If I Were You - 173: Heroin

Episode Date: September 10, 2015

In this episode we discuss facial hair, hard drugs, and party horns.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox and NextIssue.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. She used to be a foe How do I tell her I want her back Without her knowing that I'm a douchebag If it's so, I thought I'd email her If I were you With a vision sure Damn

Yeah, that was smooth That barber shop quartet though That That's how you get laid That crooning tune to the sound of Earth Angel though Acapella Though The email said, imagine NWA

Had a stable upbringing in the suburbs of Cambridge, England And has shooed a rap career for a shot at the barber shop big leagues That is what Ollie, Sam, and Colm have done for us I think I'd be down to join a barber shop quartet And since these are just three dudes I feel like you could No don't Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba bang bang ba ba bing bong bing blue moon

I take back what I said Boop boop boop boop You got something special You really think so? Because I didn't really I put half my ass into that Hey boys, you know that new sound you're looking for? This is it

ba-ba-ba-booboo-boon-boon your kids are gonna love it so thanks guys, Ollie, Sam, and Colm in Cambridge, England they knew the word is shoes it's jews it's jews it's jude a rap career it's jude

yeah I think if you know that word then you're already not gonna be a very good rapper well the thing is they're from England so they already know their vocabulary is they're sort of cheating because they when you're English, yeah, you know English good that's not good, it's like, yeah, I speak Hebrew so what, I was born in Israel, I didn't learn shit

oh, interesting that's you for the first time not saying crap for knowing another language I mean, obviously for me it's a little different as I do know shit, I know English and Hebrew and I know self-taught so once again, everyone else is good, don't talk over me everyone else is good everyone else is bad and you're good that's the take away

can I talk now? sure everyone else is bad and I'm good to me to have me to me I'm good to this, for us for this, to this, to have to hold until death do I am until what is this show?

if I were you they only advise podcast the internet hoseded by I and I and we are they and us to have for them to be to hold

to hold Can't stress enough, we are not drunk we are not high it's a bonus thursday we can phone it in if we feel like it we're getting a little loopy one of those late night shows Uh, I yeah, sorry. I just got a my parents are getting divorced. So I just got

regarding that you want to Pause it for a second. Very good. Um, they were together a long time. Yeah, 43 years next week. So Is everything good? All right, so what do we should fuck it's so hard not to think about them together All right, dude, take a breather. I don't need a breather. I need to work. I need to fill my void I need to fill the silence with cool. Shit. You're not doing a very good job, right? No, no, no. Yeah, I am I'll because it's I can decompartmentalize. I'm actually part mental part departmental All right, good. You're cracking my daddy did tell me that I was so funny even

That's good. That's nice. It's positive. Yeah. All right. He also told me that I was sort of Uh, I don't know how to say it in English, but I was driving a wedge between him and my mother. All right Jesus Christ. So how does it work? We Fucked up the thing for the old man to say Blumenfeld My mom's right. I can't fucking do two things at once. You ruined a pair of marriage and a podcast gods We are receiving emails every day if I really show at gmail.com people in sticky situations

They need desperately our advice and we do it every week sometimes twice a week sometimes We're back short on a thursday today is one of those times on a thursday squad going down On a thursday, uh, all right. These are real emails from real people. We're gonna give them fake names To preserve their anonymity Do you have a fake guy's name? Pablo Escobar writes My new relationship has gotten mad at me because before I even knew that I had a chance of hooking up with her I hooked up with two of her friends and I had sent a dick pic to another

Do you believe that she should be mad at me for this? She is not talking to me right now And if so and if not, what should I do to make her not mad at me and to get over the matter? Thank you. I appreciate your advice on the matter. By the way, I am 19 Okay So I am not an alien and english is my first language if so and if not, what should I do to make her not mad at me to get Over the matter and what is the matter doesn't matter and how can I?

It doesn't matter Can someone get mad at you for stuff you did before your relationship? No Oh, so well. Oh, no, they can they do Right. I don't find it to be a fair way of life. So you're saying I meet someone Fresh start everything that happened before I can't get mad at that. Yeah, but it's not like what is your um, it's you're not invincible You're not untouchable. You don't have like a get out of jail free card. You're

You're not a Teflon Don. Yeah, because like still You find out people find out about things in their in their relationships. Yeah past. Yeah bother them. Sure. I think There's a difference between being bothered by something and being mad at something Like if we were dating and I find out that you sent a dick pic to a bunch of my friends Before we were even together. Yeah, it's like Oh, that bothers me that you did that and like what can you do? You just have to sort of be Contrite about it. You have to be like I shouldn't know if I'm sorry I was like I wish I knew that I would meet you because I don't need to do anything

I don't whatever you're saying. I should apologize. Yes. Just like just to be like that was an old me Yeah, you don't really have to like Bend over backwards to apologize, but you know, if somebody's upset and you would you say I'm sorry I yeah, I didn't know my actions would be but maybe maybe I should bend over forwards And offer up the booty Yeah, dude, so if oh if we're in a relationship and I'm a little pissed at you And then you just bend over grab your freaking ankles and let me rail you. Yeah. Oh, I am not upset at all. I am coming You better believe after I nut

Actually Sit on my lap For what the old fart get over here. No way. I'm pissed Yeah, I feel like you're just saying that now Because you know, it'll get you I know I get off uh So I think there's like but then I but then if I was like

If I was upset you would probably try to console me, you know, if you're a good guy I see But if I'm mad at you if I'm like what the fuck's wrong with you you send dick pics to everybody Then you get defensive. Yeah, and then you're like it doesn't matter. It's not important I was before I knew you you're like it still matters to me that it's so my friends They have pictures of your dick, you know, you know what I would do when someone used to get mad at me in relationships what I used to Uh

Heighten up how sad I was feeling So then it's like oh now you the other person has to console very manipulative And you can't be mad at me and console me at the same time if I feel so bad that I'm sad It's like yeah, I you shouldn't just send those pictures to those girls. I'm such a fucking Oh, no. Hey, it's fine. It's fine. It's not fine. Don't fucking let me off the hook Did you really do that? I mean not to that humorous extent, but I feel like in retrospect That is a very funny way to come at it. Yeah, I would always like be Extra hard on yourself. Yes, exactly extra hard on myself. I'm a fucking loser. I'm an idiot

Yeah, I wouldn't be I wouldn't blame you if you broke up with me In fact, I deserve I ruin everything and that's why I was broken up with 19 times in the calendar year Because I would always say that and then eventually they just have to take the opening Yeah, they take a couple of them take the bait. Yeah, and then as they're packing up to leave Uh, I say you could break up with me or you can And then I would bend over Rail me. So you were still broken up with 19 times in the calendar year because none of them had dicks It didn't mean anything for them to see me bend over. One girl put on a strip on it and throat fucked you

Uh, and that was the one I ended up getting engaged to You knew that I was engaged, right? Yeah, I had I had engaged her for a calendar year I engaged her you engaged her in a in a marriage proposal I was engaged to to have her in me with me to have her to hold till death. Do I shart? Uh, so what should uh, this this this guy have a case I feel like it's not about having a case. It's about like readjusting the communication to be um To be this

Dynamic of I'm not mad. Let's not be mad at each other Let's recognize that we're both upset by By this and what can be done like the dick pics are there. They've been sent. It's happened So do you believe that she should be mad at me? No, I don't believe that she should be mad at him And if so, what should I do to make her not mad at me and get over the matter? I think you have to calmly Say I understand why you're upset

And it's really tough because I don't believe that she should be mad It's really hard when the person starts from a place where where there's like not negotiation. You know, it's like I'm pissed It's like I you what you need to do is guide her to just be upset in general and not pissed at you, right? But how do you how do you have that conversation? How do you talk about that? How do you often find yourself apologizing for something that you don't think that the other person should be mad about? No, because I'm a moron like I have Principles when it comes to apologizing and stuff like that. I don't want to I guess

But more less than I'm like, I don't like to start an argument like I'm not gonna apologize for something If I didn't have to apologize about it, you know, right? I I think I always just like try to find the root of why somebody's mad at me And it's usually not because like they're angry and being mean towards me. It's because they're hurt and vulnerable Oh, you try to tap into that that one layer, right? So you say so rather than apologizing you say I see that you're very upset. I see that this bothered you. I understand that you're I accept I didn't say I'm sorry But but I could tell that you do feel apologetic for that very sad that you feel sad

Even though there's nothing you are a sorry man indeed and I feel bad that I even I don't have to to apologize I didn't borderline Now get off off your knees and stop begging me for forgiveness. Yeah, have it you big lug Now bend over so I can fuck you Uh, all right, what's uh, and what would you say? I mean, if someone's mad at you, I would just I I would Apologize even though I don't necessarily feel like they have a right to be mad. I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry You feel this way. I would say that I'm sorry. You feel this way. It's a pretty tough thing to feel to hear. Yeah

Which is um, again 19 divorcee is in one calendar year. Oh, I thought it was bro You were engaged to the you were engaged to want to married the rest. No, I was it alternated 19 each So I would be engaged and then married in divorce aid and you are such a swinging bachelor bloomin felt That's amazing. I wonder how many times the with the most times someone's been married in a year Hmm, it's interesting but not on purpose not like a guy that was trying to break the record Um, all right next question um

Guy's name Give me two seconds Steve Murphy writes, you know, I've been watching narcos. You know that dude Hey guys great fan of the show and since now I've been lucky enough not to have the need to write in I talked to this girl on a semi regular and I feel hookup is imminent Here's the thing. She started a conversation with the line. Would you hate me if I took heroin? I said yes to try to deter her But then she stated

Then she started questioning me as to why and accusing me of being hypocritical Because of my lifestyle mainly drinking in the occasional bud Anyway, I think heroin is a lot worse and even though I have a suspension She is joking. I feel I have the moral duty to tell someone a friend her parents Maybe a teacher. We're both in high school. I just don't know She's a solid 8.5 if it helps any advice would be greatly appreciated. I was gonna say Something so freaking out of left field till I heard she was in 8.5 I was operating thinking she was a six or a seven. Yeah at eight at most

So thank you for that information. Let me readjust my entire going forward knowing she's an eight and a half um I say you just gotta let her do the heroin No one who says would you hate me if I took heroin is gonna do heroin Because she doesn't even know the cool way to say it if I took it. No, you don't take heroin. What do you do? Yeah, shoot it Would you hate me if I shot heroin? Oh, that means you're already doing. Yeah Oh, now I see. Yeah, this girl's this girl's faking it. Yeah, so you don't have to tell anyone

I think you probably Also, that's the wrong answer to say would you hate me if I took heroin? You don't just say yes Like I'll hate you if you do something you say I would be really worried about you. I'd be really concerned I'd be upset. I'd be sad if you did that. No I would want to help you. Yeah, would you say you could hate it if you took heroin? You would hate the situation. Would you hate it if I took heroin? I would think it was hilarious if you took heroin. You think so man. Yeah, thanks man. It'd be super funny

I needed to hear that. Would you actually do it? I would never do it if I got you heroin. I'm afraid to do drugs Yeah, I would be afraid to do heroin too. Yeah That's a that's a big scary one. That's the last one I think that's like a die the first time you do it drugs Yeah, you can maybe die from a drug. I mean you could all you could die from like other drugs too. Yeah, like adrenaline Mmm skydivery. Mm-hmm. You would die from that. Yeah, you can you can actually dive from it Nice, you're sure you're not drunk. I am a little high. Oh, yeah, I had an edible at lunch I love that. Yeah, I had a brownie bite and uh, do you eat those brownies in the freezer because They ain't they ain't so regular brownies. That wasn't even the freezer, man. You were just so fucked up, man

No, I'm fine. Um, uh, don't tell her parents Don't tell a teacher. That's such a weird thing to do. Yeah at the very I it's noble if you knew for a fact she was taking heroin or if you had at least more conclusive evidence This is just like a one one text message Don't sound any alarms yet. Yeah, I think it's fine To not

You know what though? It is she did call him a hypocrite. So it is his moral duty Like would you say it's his moral duty? But to call the police I think you have to call the if you can set up a sting operation. Oh shit. Yeah, how would that? So it's like he'll wear a wire. Oh my god and acquire heroin On his own accord. Uh-huh according to jim Okay And then he'll go out in a in a Honda Accord in a Honda Accord. Yeah to Meet e-Hondas. Oh afford afford if you can afford a Honda Accord if you can afford a Honda Accord from e Honda, of course, of course

He'll meet this lady out as a matter of course Okay, and the heroin of this story will be buying some heroin from this gory Dude because he got into a fight before he before he before The gory before he turned very gory Um, what's the allegory? Yeah, you can so then you try to sell her the heroin and then you bust her and then nine. So it's like 911. What's your emergency? 911 what's your emergency? Um, I

What was what's your accent? I'm I'm sorry. I have an emergency, but I'm enamored with your voice Where this is a chicago dispatch police. Where are you? Where are you from? What's your name? My name is fayetteville from normal, uh, Illinois fayetteville from normal. Sorry. Do you have an emergency, sir? I do I have an emergency. I've fallen my heart is just burst into a million pieces. All right. What's your address? My address sir. Is someone holding a gun to your head? Just cough twice if so. Are you in trouble right now? I just Fyattville from normal, Illinois You had me at what's your emergency

Don't tell anyone Was my advice. Yeah She's not doing heroin She hasn't you're gonna feel real shitty if she's doing heroin though. Oh shit. What if she OD'd and it was his moral duty? Yeah Um, all right Ooh, this is an interesting one miss This one is interesting and are you ready for it?

You better believe it. We need another guy's name Javier peña I'm a 20 year old guy from England just finishing up my first year of university We're moving out of the halls at the end of june But my most current of flatmates have already gone home So at the moment it's just me and my friend living together in the flat and doing nothing all day every day Recently she suggested that I grow my mustache out The reason for this is because I haven't shaved in almost a week and when I go this long without shaving the hair above my lip

In particular becomes quite a bit more prominent, which she said looks good on me. The problem is I think it looks ugly The only reason I've let it go to this point is that I've been really lazy I'm pretty sure that this is the extent that it can grow to anyway I can't really grow a full beard, but I agreed to not shave it for two weeks just to see what happens Then it occurred to me that she might be trying to mess with me I mean, I'm pretty sure that the mustache just won't suit me But what if that's actually her plan and she's playing some sort of

John Wolf-esque long con to get me to grow ugly facial hair walk around looking like an idiot for two weeks Maybe she secretly likes having some small Power over how my face looks she already gives me haircuts And she pierced my ear with a sewing needle one time I just I really don't think a mustache will look good on me Also in the unlikely event that it actually looks good Should I keep it or shave it off before I go home to see my friends for the summer When I saw them last they noted that I had changed a lot since going to uni

And this became sort of a punchline for their jokes Well, since I last saw them I've gotten the aforementioned to ear piercing Which I've now started stretching out and I've also gotten the tattoo And I plan on getting a few more before I see them I can already imagine the jokes that'll come out of this But since these are permanent decisions, which I've made there's nothing I can do about it really So I guess I'll have to suck it up and take it But I could avoid having mustache jokes thrown on top of the whole situation by just shaving it off

But what if it does actually look good? What do you guys think I should do help love? What was the guy's name? Javier Pena Javier Pena God man You are You are the butt of a joke man You and your this is you have to at this point cut off your entire lip What?

Remove your lip Oh, he's gone even cut it off entirely. No way. So you no lip all you'll see above your lower lip is teeth and gums And you run up to this girl and you say oh now Look what you've done And he already has a homemade ear piercing that he's stretching out. Yeah, so you're all about that self mutilation Shit, and then he comes home and his friends have already made fun of him for looking slightly different from university He comes back with multiple tattoos a homemade ear piercing and uh-oh

What's the opposite of a mustache just your teeth? No, it is not All teeth it's so close to a mustache here up is just tea Yeah Did I mention say it was a goose? I would say the opposite of a mustache is tangerine juice I think it's chalk You just said it was teeth Chalks pretty close to teeth So what the fuck is this guy doing?

um Mustache is the most changeable thing and he's concerned about it But like getting a tattoo and piercing his ears with a sewing needle is fine It sounds like he's just a little self-conscious about the mustache, but like how often have you Had a girl who is interested in you like want you to do your hair a different way or want you to grow a beard It's like something that's it's a change to you and you're like. Oh, no, this looks weird. This looks bad. What are you talking about? but it it

Doesn't matter like if she if you like this girl and she says you look good a certain way Then just embrace it for a little bit. Yeah, the also it sounds like he was getting into it It sounds like he liked it if it does look good By the end of your email you borderline thought it did I mean all all your decisions From what to wear what you look like facial hair clothing anything is to attract people Otherwise, why would you do it and now you have somebody who you're attracted to telling you point blank what they like and you're like No

Uh, it doesn't look good to you Yeah, you don't tell her what looks good to you for me to have to him to hold to forever It's already there and it sounds like also she's not necessarily making him grow out of mustache She's just saying like don't shave. Yeah, and the hair above his lip is it is most of what grows in you have a mustache now Oh, yeah, I do Were do you remember your first mustache? Yeah, you couldn't stop thinking about it when you're the first there. It's like, oh my god That's true. I think I was like in my mid 20s when I I mean I would always do it when I was shaving

Just for like fun at the end of you Like if I had like a light beard or something I'd shave Yeah, and leave a mustache just for fun or leave a goatee just for fun for a minute But no way would you keep it for more than a day and then it then like during work at college humor I think I started like sometimes just having a beard And then it took a long time But I did the mustache and the first day I had my mustache All I wanted to do was like tell people how it was a joke. Yeah, it's not a real mustache. I'm just doing this as a bit

That's why I have it. It's funny. Now you have it. You don't even really think about it No, I like people comment on it. They're like, hey mustache. I'm like, and I yeah, sure. Yeah, it's no big deal So you just sort of you'll grow desensitized to the stash is what I'm saying right 100% I think you make it sounds like you're growing and changing and being doing different things. So Your friends might not like it, but maybe this girl likes it. Maybe you like it. That's really the most important No, I would say the girl is more important than the guy girl and you Yeah, there's probably I feel like they're they're sort of like an equal ish importance if you like feel

I think you're right You're like her liking it is definitely really important like that should guide him. Yeah liking it if you really can't reconcile then He can't like you also have to be confident when you're talking to the girl But what's more confident than her saying? I like it like that. I like it like that. I like it like that Bend over blooming filled What? You're right I'd like to fuck you alive on the podcast alive

Alive or just live both Uh mercy So keep the stash Yeah, keep the stash for a little bit just to see how about keep the stash and uh, Don't give yourself a tattoo or two or three. It sounds like it sounds like you're rushing into this tattoo thing Well, maybe likes the tattoos. I ain't got no problem with anything except for maybe no piercing in the ears with the sewing needle Yeah, because that's a hygienic. That's yeah, that's unsafe unhealthy. You're stretching out

a hole in your body that you Pierced with a needle yourself with somebody who is definitely not I would trained to do that. I would advise against getting multiple tattoos I would say get one at a time because what if you regret it then you have three instead of one Right. I I thought that he was I thought he was like had several several more that he was gonna go Go for yeah, he said there's gonna be more several more before they even see his friends see him again in a couple weeks Oh interesting So yes mustache

Maybe tattoos just slow your roll on your tattoos Suddenly I want to make fun of this guy for changing too much Well, this happens when you go to college. Yeah I remember when I went to college the thing was At least within my friend group is that like nobody cut their hair for like what seemed like nine months Yeah, so everybody came back with like super long hair. Yeah Was that like a 2000s thing or is that like what kids do when they go to college? I wonder I I think it's a 2000 Thing. Although your brother also grew his hair really out long

That's true. Maybe I guess it could be a college because it's like It's like the thriftiness. It's like, oh, I can't afford a haircut and it's like five months Yeah, you sort of like a braised laziness in a way for the first time. It's like, oh, yeah I don't have to like I'm not gonna cut my hair. Yeah jams. I'm gonna wear slippers to the dining hall. Yeah I don't know, but I don't know if people still do I thought micah grew out his hair because he was like in a surfing culture Yeah, Santa Barbara and man buns had become a la mode or of the fashion Indeed. So for example, I had a brownie a la mode the other day

Which is a brownie with a little bit of a man bun on it. Really? I had a I had a a samurai man. You just poured ice cream onto a man's head. You tried to eat it with a spoon Oh god That's so hot All right, let's take a break you poo and we'll be back with more right after these This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that

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Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you To save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace I You good It is September 10th when this comes out. Nice. We are

dangerously close to our Toronto shows just for last comedy festival at the beginning of October Uh, and then in two weeks after that, we're gonna be at the Irvine Improv Orange County our first show in Orange County There's a 500 seat theater shit People really have to come. Yeah, and once they do get there. It's gonna be a fucking party. Yeah, dude I'm gonna have I'm gonna have what's it called when you have that thing that goes It like blows out a vuvuzela. No, not a vuvuzela. It's like a paper mache thing and then it blows out Yeah, and then it sucks back in a party popper or like a yeah a

Noisemaker. Yeah, not even any of those. What's that thing? How do you even search that on google? It like it's a party horn a party horn. Is it it's a How would you even describe that I would describe it as a party horn? Let's see Are you searching? Yeah Party horn. Oh, wow. Look at that A party horn is a horn Formed from a paper tube That's correct

That doesn't even sound familiar to me. Yeah, and actually another one another way to say it is noisemaker And another way to say it is paper tongue paper tongue interesting, but I said two of the three. Yeah Party horn, and I guess it's just like not a very common vernacular because you didn't think they were right. Yeah, anyway I'm gonna bring a party horn So it's gonna be insane So, you know right off the bat, there will be a party horn And then uh, it's also a wednesday, which you know wednesday or orange county. That's like sort of when the Wednesday came out weird wednesdays

What the fuck wednesday what the friday? Yeah, nice nice wednesday though. Yeah. Well, it's yeah, it's gonna be on a wednesday, right? Um, so hopefully we guys can see you there Um, it's gonna be our first shows in quite a bit since montreal Yeah It'll be good to get back to canada. I can't wait to be too slightly too drunk on stage Oh, that's my favorite. I can't wait until I make that mistake again Yeah, I haven't been hungover in a minute really and I was just like full-on drunk in the montreal airport. Yeah There's nothing weirder than being drunk going through customs. I have never experienced that before that was a very unique experience

Yeah, it's like, you know at the end of a night at a bar when you're just like drunk and tired and like the best thing is The part where you're like, yeah in your kitchen, yeah Like cold food from the refrigerator. Yeah, you didn't think you'd and then you sleep for like eight hours and it's the best So instead of eating the food in the kitchen in the sleep It's walking through a line of Strangers that woke up at 4 a.m. It's yeah showing people like Drunkenly showing a tsa agent your passport. Yeah asking what he's doing. What are you doing in canada? I was lost. I got lost in the airport. You couldn't me and sam couldn't find our gate

What what a weird position to be in to just go from the bar to an airport. Yeah Absurd and yet I feel like that happens a lot Especially at the end of these fests. Yeah, we should try to do that in orange county Oh, that's a good idea. We'll we'll just drive drunk home after the show. Oh, that's really good fucking rage. Yes, dude It's actually cool to drive drunk. Oh, I was thinking the same Yeah, because like a lot of adults are all like no, don't Like a kid was just showing his parents the podcast just during this part Mom, don't worry. It's actually really helpful. They're funny and they're like they're funny

But like a lot of the stuff they do is actually smart. It's cool to drive drunk It's cool to be a drunk driver. Oh, so you find this funny We're not even kidding And now they're making fun of me the parents said um Now obviously you should indeed drive drunk. Yeah, of course you get that I'm not gonna backtrack from this bit and say you shouldn't drive drunk now Driving drunk is the like the one thing that even cool people don't really do right like the

Weed commercials like cool people are laughing at like, yeah, like you can really get into a car accident when you're high No, that's not that whatever But then it's like, no, I actually don't drive drunk. Don't don't don't yeah Breaking rules is cool, but not that one. Yeah The coolest thing you could do is a break a rule except if the rule is to drive drunk So in conclusion stay in school Don't drive drunk and be real cool Um, there's some weird cartoon dog at uh at a back to school seminar

I'm not I don't have sunglasses, but I have like cool glasses So I am still a cool cartoon. Hippster cartoon dog. Oh, that's good. Yeah like a spud's mckenzie, but he's a hipster. Mm-hmm Do you think i'm a hipster? Oh god, why do you sit like that? Just for everybody at home? He's sitting like a pretzel His legs fully behind his head He is a uh a gondy type man speaking into the mic that he has shoved into his anus There's a there's a party horn in his butthole

Uh, if before we get back into it, I have one thing that I want to plug and I apologize, but I'm gonna plug this for a friend of mine named Walter aka

Pippi Babcock From Adelaide Australia shows he I told you I think I discussed this on the podcast that I followed him on instagram He instagram messaged me And he asked me if I would give him a shout out for this talent show that he's in Okay needs to be voted for okay. I just don't nobody gets an idea I will not do this for anyone else. Okay except for walter got it. So this is for him This is a this is an ad this is borderline. This is a free advertisement

Yeah, we are reaching roughly a hundred thousand listeners and this is we have their ears. We have their attention We have their full concentration But really if you're gonna do one thing on your computer today search the royal adelaide show on facebook, okay And uh take a second to find walter's entry and vote for him He gave me a url, but like I don't think anyone's gonna It's it's long. Yeah, it's https colon backslash backslash A dot pgtb dot like, you know, right?

It's nobody's gonna be able to write it down. So you're saying go on facebook and so this is what I did I went on facebook and I searched the royal adelaide show. Uh, and it came right up. Uh, So and it's a talent show where you like a video Yeah, I think well, I guess I mean I voted for him. How did you vote? You um If you scroll down from their page, there's a Uh link that's like vote for our entrance. Uh, and then you can uh click on his name. Okay And his name is

walter Buckley and is it one of those things where you know how many people have voted so far? Oh, I wonder I don't know if I do because if it's like In the teens and stuff we can just fucking create a little walter avalanche and have him win Yeah, that's true. I don't know what the I don't know what the So what's his talent? He sings he sings a billy joe song and if you guys want to see an adorable 15 year old Sing a billy joe song. It's very much worth it. He's good

What do you say when walts when when pipi babcock sent me this video? I was like, oh, I don't want to feel bad I don't want to be like a shitty right video But I showed it to you. Yeah, do you think it was great? Yeah, I couldn't believe that that adult tone was coming out of that Teenager's mouth. Yeah, he sounds I mean he sounds like billy joe I'm gonna vote for him right now. It's actually billy joe Huh? It's not billy joe billy joe

That's not true, dude. Uptown girl Up this town girl it up. I'll be frank with everybody. It does want a lot of information Okay, but once you put in that social security number, it's sort of auto fills in the rest It's not that bad. It's all right. Tell you what if if it's like double email verification No, it's not that bad either. It's they send you a letter in the mail. You fill out a form Hire a messenger. They give them your bank account. They're gonna take a dollar just to make sure that you're yeah, And then you and then you do you know your bank account routing number? Do you know the bank account number? No, do you have your passport scanned?

It's easier to get into canada than it is to cast a vote For walter for pipi babcock. So what is and then you vote for him and that's it and then he wins the talent show? uh Yeah So, you know what his talent is his talent is actually knowing you it's not actually singing billy joe Is it well, I'll encourage every all of our listeners to watch the watch all the videos You know what you're right. You don't have to vote for walter. I'm just promoting the adelaide royal show Make your own informed decision, but I feel like you'll find

Billy joel walters billy joel is top notch. Oh, yeah, see I I um You can't see what the what the score is right now It's that close. Well 65,000 people like the page Need we say less? All right, I think we gave more time to to pipi babcock than anybody. Yeah, that was 40. That was a 48 minute plug. Holy shit I'm sweating Let's try to answer one last question before we have to bet it bounce out of here. All right um

We sort of answered the three questions that we were going to get you on the show So do you want to search our email? Right now find a question live on the show. It's bonus thursday episode time It's things are getting a little loosey goosey a little experimental Last time was a lightning round this time. We're going to try to find a question on the actual show itself live So How would you like to how do you propose we go about doing it? Is it random? Do you want to search a keyword? Yeah, I'll I'll come up with a word

That I think there has to be only a few of wow our email Okay, 14,500 emails in this box 14,000 emails. I want to search a term Or a phrase one word. Oh one word that I think is going to get us down. It's only going to appear in In less than 100 Oh less than 100. No, I'll go. I'll go take a bigger swing 25. It's gonna be less than 25. Okay juxtaposition Juxto juxta juxto juxta juxta position This is insane

This is beyond Flooring how many emails It's one what? And it's a question. We've already answered. Is it really according to my records. Yes We answered it on january 7th 2014. Wow What was it? Uh Something about family's religion and meeting someone's Significant other and good stuff. Yeah, all right, so I'll come up with another one. Okay

Dandy, I think there's going to be more than dandy. Why yeah dandy I'm imagining somebody be like everything was fine and dandy and then this happened. Okay Um, there's 21. Okay, some of them are ads Uh, so within the 21 give me a number one through 21 18. All right Jake and Amir, this is we've never read this before. This is an email from july 12th 2013 From 2013, that's right. This is so this person probably doesn't even listen to the show anymore. Oh, that's probably good. I don't know These this is a month after we created the podcast. Wow Jake and Amir, so I've been flirting with this girl for a couple weeks, but we haven't really gotten anywhere

I mean, we have come to know each other pretty well But we haven't really advanced on the boyfriend girlfriend front now. That's all Fine and dandy. I knew it. Except for the juxtaposition What? No, no, that's all fine and dandy except for the fact that a couple nights ago I met another girl and we instantly hit it off We had a lot of fun and got further that first night with her then I did in a week with the other girl Basically, I want to let the first girl know that I met somebody else So that I'm not keeping her on the hook when I have moved on

I like both of them and I would prefer to stay friends with them But mainly I just wanted till the first girl to move on as nicely as possible What would you do if you were me wait? You just flirting with her right not or is it was it a date? He was just flirting with a girl for a couple of weeks, but hasn't really gotten anywhere So yeah, you don't have to break up with that person. It sounds like you didn't It sounds like you failed What are you talking about he had a failure to launch

He hit on somebody for weeks. Yeah, they basically rejected him Yeah, he met somebody else and now he wants to go and break up with honey. This isn't working out Yeah, I know I rejected you. I just don't see us There's not sparks as I agree. I actually and I know this is gonna fucking pain you to hear Right. No, I actually met get out of here somebody else The other girl probably doesn't like him either Uh, but this is something that happens. You can get you can sort of get stuck in a Flirtation cycle where nothing really escalates. Yeah, you have to sort of

You have to Add more gasoline or fire or take a risk or a swing before it's hard. I text Jake I actually get a lot of things like this that are like we're flirting over text But like I don't know how to Turn it into anything else. You have to escalate. I think the next the invariably the first thing that you have to do is Turn it from a text message to a date. Like that's the first That's the ultimately that's the goal of the text So true because texting is not the goal texting is the means to the end

So texting allows you to start a texting is the first thing you need text. It's like the the twigs Well, I feel like this is the unnatural evolution, right? It's like There's a group of people all hanging out and it's like you're interested in one person But how do you get a private conversation going? That's the text. That's why you walk up to them and say hello My name is Jacob. I would like to engage you in a private conversation. Yes Follow me. I have your seven digit telephone number. Yeah area code included if you don't live in the area Otherwise, I know it's current code It's three lambda alpha. She's macing you

My eyes are impervious to this to this gas So you get her phone number and that's a private conversation, but then that's at the end now you need to get into an actual private date a private meeting and greeting so the evolution from Single celled organism in a water to an amphibian that crawls out of the of water into a into a primate And then eventually a human or the sex the amphibian crawls into a primate Well, it crawls out of the water Basically up inside of a monkey chimpanzee's asshole and that's the missing link. Yeah

And then it's a cocoon and then the the chimpanzee tears open its chest It's a lizard man and he's British. Oh my god Oh my god, he excused the food chain We're not lying or even giving this guy advice We're just talking about how because it you don't need to break up with the girl Who you've been flirting with if you meet somebody you also have only it's been one night with the other person yet's been One night since you have the barrel I just launch into even the fast part. I have I have it down

Chickity China the charity is chicken Listen this guy's it's been one night and he wants to break up with the other girl for the girl that he probably doesn't have yet I feel bad this the CML was written two years ago. There's an 80 chance this man is dead I mean, we're talking to a fucking ghost Not this is not to say of anything regarding the two ladies who are too also dead More often than not they will be deceased by the time we reach them Um, so to you. Oh to you I say Thank you for writing in I apple. I'm gonna respond to this guy. You know, they're like, oh, thank you so much for writing in

We just got to your email glad you included the word dandy two and a half years later Uh, all right. That's it. Thank you to Two and a half years So he like basically didn't get the satisfaction of getting his question answered and we only made fun of it They could be married at this point. I ended up marrying both of them Uh Thank you for writing it to anybody who's ever written and we're trying to get to everybody

Uh, obviously we have more than we can eschew But we're doing our best that email address if you have your own Questions is if I were you show at gmail.com and if you have your own theme song We actually start and end every episode. This is episode 173 And we've started and ended every episode with a new theme song give or take a few Uh, the opening one was by ollie sam and colm in this closing one It's by james sherlock Today is thursday

We'll be back on monday our regularly scheduled programming Later Oh You need to put some word on And if you're trying to bag a dime You Or if you're losing your day Well, here's what I do

Oh, here's what I do Oh If I If I were you If I were you Um That was a hit gum podcast