If I Were You - 174: Romance

Episode Date: September 14, 2015

In this episode we discuss first dates, haircuts, and spiritual healing.This episode is brought to you by DollarShaveClub.com, BlueApron, and Credit Karma!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Holy shit, the king dork speaks. It's, it's if I were you. Okay, it's in the vice podcast. Coming through real talk with a couple of laughs. Everybody knows funny. These dudes invented it. Had an idea, then straight up conquered it.

Worked in an office and meeting friends. Weekly videos to shows on the weekends. They kept it going. They knew what to do. They got the few money flight. It's if I were you. Little true west bitch, it's if I were you. You gotta be shitting me with that.

You little coy, yes, Diva. It's if I were you. I got a million train things that I'd rather fucking do. Holy shit, the king dork speaks. But for now, it's, it's if I were you. Holy shit, that was awful, right? Wow. Remix.

Love that. That was Jonathan Gould. He's done something before. Definitely sounds familiar. So that was his, I don't fuck with you, parody. Love it. Unfortunately, he did use coffee written content. And we have Big Sean here now.

Oh, I meant clips from our show. Oh, yeah. You're not worried about the rap song. No, that was parody. It was satire. It is fine. He borrowed your voice. He paid homage, which is fine.

He paid homage to you. He didn't pay homage to Big Sean. What he did was steal material that I had written for College Schumer. You picked it to play on our podcast. Exactly. For a, we wrote that with those lines for College Schumer, which is owned by Interactive Corp, IAC. Okay.

Which is a publicly traded company. You should be on the side of the artist. He stole. He stole. He used. He stole from a corporation. And now he's monetizing it. How is he monetizing?

Well, I'm making some cash from this podcast. So you're in trouble. You're monetizing off of his work. You're monetizing off of IAC. You just played a Big Sean song. This is a fucking sting. You're Jonathan Gould. I'm wearing a wire for no reason.

It's not attached to anything. It's not plugged in. You taped a piece of floss to your chest. I wonder if all of that is legal. You think if someone wanted to sue someone for what just happened, it would be suable? I think they would send a cease and desist. And then we'd have to take the episode down.

Yeah. Who would that come from? Your lawyer. Not my lawyer. He wouldn't care. My lawyer. He wouldn't care either. I want my lawyer to be on my ass.

If your lawyer was on your case, that would be really bad. Yeah. My lawyer. Actually, I was sued twice by my own lawyer. Right. And he defended you in court and lost the case against himself. He took a knee in court. Proposed to the judge.

Who was me. I'm the judge, the jury, and the executioner. You found yourself guilty of falling for your lawyer. Married him in civil court. This is all part of a movie, we wrote. Don't even worry about it yet, guys. Yes. But the fun and game section, it leaves us a lot of trailer moments that will be desired.

All right. What is this? This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. Jake. What was I going to say? Oh yeah. It's insanely hot.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sad and uncomfortable in this room. It's too warm to be here. We have a fan, which is how people kept cool in like the early 1900s. Yeah. The fan's not really doing much. It's sort of blowing the hot air onto my legs, and that's not good.

Our house is really nice. Yeah. I think we live in a lovely home. I agree. The air conditioner does, it sort of works like a leaky faucet. It leaks cool air a little bit. And then it will cost $500, but not keep us cold. Right.

So it's off. It's a leaky, slightly cooler gas oxygen that leaks out of the vents. It's for the first time I've ever experienced in LA, it's hot and humid. Which is unique. It feels like a really scummy shitty New York summer. Yeah. Except the sun feels hotter. So the sun is burning you very, very, at a high intensity.

And in addition to that, it's staying warm at night. It's humid. Yeah. Oh yeah. Which is also a rarity. It's really cool on migraine because it's like I was being smothered with heat all night. Yeah. And your body was releasing water to cool itself down so that you would die.

I can't think of anyone in the world who has it worse than me. Really? I would pay money to be a migrant in a boat on trying to get into Berlin or some shit. Sheaves. Yeah. Yeah. They are at least cool, I bet. Yeah, because the air conditioner on the boat probably at the very least is up to half

not cold, but at least they're like, at least they're in a foreign country. Yeah. That's pleasant. And they're so exhausted I bet they can sleep through the night with you. It's like you're getting eight hours of sleep. Yeah. It's kind of a half sleep. It's tossing and turning.

And sure I can sleep in if I want to. And actually my room's really nice. Yeah. You woke up today at 9.48. And you were like, oh my god, what a fitful night rest I had. How'd you know I woke up at 9.48? Is that true? If it's not true, it's really close.

I set my alarm for 10 a.m. thinking I didn't want to wake up at 10, but I was like, I don't want to sleep past 10, you know, hoping I'd wake up before the alarm. So your alarm isn't get me up now. Your alarm is like, oh shit, if I'm still asleep at this point, it's too late. Yeah. You do a border alarm, not like a let me get up and seize the day alarm. Right. I mean, sometimes I do, but not for the last couple of days.

Yeah. I'm like, hey, I'm just going to sleep in. Give your body what it wants. Exactly. Right. Yeah. And then why do you think you woke up at 9.48? Because I remember waking up and being like, wow, this is really close to when my alarm was.

Right. Do you ever, do you do this or do you know people who do? They don't set their alarms at even times. So it's like, yeah, I set it for like 9.43 or like 10.02. Yeah. Like they don't like the even numbers. Yeah. Do you do that or do you know people who do?

I think I used to. Now I'm just like the nearest hour to when I want to get up. Good man. Because I like to snooze. But my snooze is on a nine minute cycle. Yeah. A nine minute and 14 seconds cycle. And I don't know why that is.

Oh, is that, is that default for all Apple iPhones? Maybe it is. A nine minute snooze. Or maybe it's eight, but yeah, it's not, it's not 10. Another funny thing people do with time is set the time in their car late so that when they arrive places, it feels like they've bought themselves extra time. Right. So they're constantly lying to themselves.

That's insane. Yeah. But then don't you know that you're lying so it doesn't really, does it really do anything? Like oh, then you just feel like you're always running late. You always feel slightly, well, I feel like people that do that run late anyway, right? Right. So they're like running late like, oh god, I'm 20 minutes late to this meeting. Oh, oh no, I'm only, I'm only 14 minutes late to this meeting.

Don't worry, that clock is actually eight minutes fast. Great. So then you do a little bit of math and you're like, I'm not as late as I think I am. So all it does is make you do more math. Yeah. My clock in, my mom's car was always seven minutes fast. Right. I was like, oh fuck, I'm late to school.

But then my dad would sometimes change it. So I'd always ask like, is it, is this an accurate time right now? All right. Enough about time. Let's give some people some well needed advice. These are, these are real humans in real sticky situations. And they've emailed us for our feedback to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Sometimes it's just me and Jake giving advice.

And today is one of those times. Fair enough. But we're in the room with our new intern. Oh yeah. Tess. Tess is in the room. So if you feel, oh, don't say anything, Tess. If you feel a presence, that's what it is.

It's not Kobe Bryant. Although he's also here. Yeah. All right. Kobe say something. Doof, doof, doof. Just bouncing the ball. No, he was making that noise with his mouth.

Of course. You wrote, you forwarded me this email, right? Yeah, I forwarded you a bunch of emails. Okay, I got a good one. This is a young man from Kentucky. Getting lucky in Kentucky. Lucky in Kentucky, right. I have just recently started talking to a girl I've known for five years.

We've been texting, snapchatting and trying to plan a time to hang out with one another. It's all, it all sounds pretty juvenile. But the problem is I do not know how to accelerate to the next level. IE phone calls hangouts. But here's the thing, if given the opportunity to take her out on a date, I'm confident that I can get her to want to be with me. The date I'm thinking of is taking her for a private flight as my friend is a pilot, take her to a nice restaurant in the downtown area of my small city,

and then to a friend's farm for a alone time to enjoy each other's presence without any city lights. The problem lies with me not knowing how to get her to say yes to the date because I have a feeling she's still in love with her last boyfriend without being too frank about it. How can I in a sense persuade her to let me take her out? And if I do get the opportunity, is the date idea any good or less exciting? Do I wait for her to say we should go out some night? You are not confined to this multiple choice.

I don't want to bribe her. Thanks for your days worth of hilariously given advice. Keep doing you, Todah, Lucky in Kentucky. Additional question, what's the romantic date you have ever planned for a girl? I feel bad because the most romantic date I've ever planned is probably like a third of the romance of this casual first date he plans on giving this girl. You never went like all out for somebody? I've never given someone a private flight and then a dinner and then a friend's farm outside the city limit.

And this is just this guy's way to break the ice with her. Yeah. Well, when you really like somebody, you do you plan these like epic style dates? Would you say it's a good idea for your first date or would you say build up to that? I think it's a lovely idea for the first date. I mean, I think it's funny because like the problem is never like if the date's gonna like getting her to say yes is It's some weird situation of like I could totally get her to love me if she would just like me. Yeah, well as soon as she likes me, I feel like the private flight will clinch it. Yeah, it almost doesn't matter what the date is like the biggest battle is getting her to be interested in you in the first place.

I fear that this is too epic of a first date. Oh, so we think this guy's dumb for different reasons. Why do you think he's dumb? Because he's of course the issue is like will you go on the date or not? Like you can't plan all this stuff if you don't know if she likes you. So can he just tell her about this date? I don't like what's the equivalent of what I'm trying to I feel like this date might scare her away. I don't think he's dumb. I think he's very naive and a little bit ignorant, perhaps new.

Like you want to sort of build up to things. If I ask a girl out and then I tell her the plan is for me to take her on a private flight and then to my friend's farm outside the city limits. I'm afraid she'll she'll be a little taken aback by that. And I guess this is like we're sort of in line because I think she'll be really taken aback by that if he's worried that she doesn't even like him. Right. Like this sounds if you really love somebody and they wanted to take you away for like whisk you away for a weekend or something. That sounds great. But if you don't really like someone that much and you actually like a different person and somebody's like let's go away just you and me.

Yeah. That sounds really bad. So this amazing date that could lead to you guys being totally into each other might actually just scare her in general. Right. But then again he has known this girl for five years. And they're talking to each other for the first time. On Snapchat. I just started talking to this girl I've known for five years.

Yeah. How do you know somebody for five years and never say anything? It's like in school you sort of like know somebody and then yeah that happens. Right. Your friend's a pilot? I mean holy shit. And he has a farm? And he can just drop you off in the downtown area.

Like how do. She should go out with the pilot. My friend has a plane like dope. I'll date that dude. My other friend has a farm. Yeah. Oh cool. I'll date that guy.

Yeah. But I know where downtown is and we can go there. How are you going to land the plane downtown? I actually didn't think. I don't know what do you think pilot. My pilot friend is also a skydiver. He'll guide us in. And then is it the same friend with the farm?

Probably. Dude's a fucking stone cold pimp. He's a farmer. He's a pilot. He's a winner. And what are you dude? You just know this guy. A friend's farm for some alone time and enjoy each other.

Where's your friend doing this? This guy's planning a fucking honeymoon. Like this girl doesn't know this guy. He's like now after dinner I would like to propose that we go to my friend's farm for some alone time. No I want to stay in public and just hang out with you maybe. That's fair because you don't know if I'm a serial killer. So maybe just the advice is to go like one at a time. I feel like private flights really cool.

That's not necessarily a date. That's just a cool experience that you'd be like hey let's you should I'm going on my friend's plane. You should come. It'll be really cool. And that you could say that without her being like let's go out on let's go out some time and you say I've got just the idea. You say you contact her. You guys are already snapchatting trying to find time to hang out he said. Yeah.

So you say I'm going on. I'm going to fly with my friend today. It's going to be really cool. You should come. Boom. There you are. Y'all are in the plane together. You don't have to talk about anything else.

After you're in the plane. Let's just like you can't even talk. You have all those stuff so loud. Right. Sure. Sure. But have that other stuff in your back pocket. Like maybe you got like you do the flight right.

If she doesn't if she wants to keep on hanging out with you she says what do you what do you want to do next. And then you'll say oh I know this restaurant downtown because you've thought about it right. Or I know this coffee place downtown or this bar downtown whatever. That's what you do. And then if she's like wants to hang out after that. Maybe don't do the farm. Wait for the farm is a lot more. Yeah.

Do the farm another time. All right. So invite her to the flight as the date rather than proposing a date than dropping the flight thing on her. And don't. And I've also been victim of this like thinking that some kind of like amazing data experience is going to get some girl to like me. She the person has to like and be interested in you first. She's got a date is just extra. It does.

Yeah. It doesn't matter how awesome the private plane is if she. It's more the human than the setting basically. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. I could take someone to the best restaurant but if I'm a terrible human they won't be like you know what at least the food was great. Right.

I'm into you. And likewise I can be a great guy and take her. That's why I take all my dates to Burger King. Right. Because if I can make it there I can make it anywhere. Yeah. And then date to McDonald's. Then you can have it your way and she's loving it.

Yeah. That's really good actually. And then I can propose in a ball pit. What's the most romantic date you have ever planned for a girl. I've done like I do real romantic shit actually. What's your. To be perfectly honestly with you. I've done some really romantic shit.

I'd love to hear. The most romantic. I don't know. I don't want to talk about it on the podcast because the girls will know which one was which and they'll be like that's something you did for who. You know what I mean. You don't have to say for who. Just say the date. And then if one person thinks so and then that's great if two then that's fine.

I've flown people places for the weekend. Uh huh. And taken like cute little trips to certain parts of America and abroad. It's cute. It's so big. Yeah. I have taken one. Or maybe.

Or a journey or not through a city or town. And I believe. I don't want to single them out man. Oh special to me or not in different ways or not. The when I was like this because I think that now that I have like more money I'm like you end up doing more romantic and epic seeming things. When I was younger and I was having to plan dates. Yeah. I think the first girl that I really liked I like made food put it in a picnic back basket and snuck onto this golf course in the middle of the night.

And we like had a picnic by the stars in this kind of nice setting. That's beautiful. It wasn't I mean it was it was not as intense as the flight but I think that like the same amount of thought and care went into it. No I disagree. The flight is probably more thoughtful. Why is it just because picnics or his friends doing kind of a first idea that you think of. What's yours picnic to. Yeah I did the picnic.

I did the flight thing. You did the flight. I did the farm thing actually. Really. I went to a farm. Why hadn't this come up before. I guess I never thought of it. That's the most romantic thing you've ever done on a date.

I don't know. I honestly honestly nothing jumps out to me beyond like a restaurant like I don't know if I've ever like. I could think of one thing that you did. Well it was cute more than like super romantic. You did like a baking date where somebody came over and you cooked cookies. Oh yeah. Cookies or something like that. But that's not really romantic is it.

That's like it plus it was suggested by the lady. Oh right. I guess that's like sort of more the level though that you should first dates should be like cute quirky a little romantic fun. This isn't like the bachelor. You don't have to. You're not trying to win the rose ceremony. Yeah. You know it's a good first date is bowling bowling solid.

It's kind of classic old school American. You can be self deprecating and bad. I'm actually not good at bowling so there's a chance that I'll lose naturally which lends itself to like a funny discourse. High fives turn into hugs. Yeah. When you're bowling strikes and spares. Yeah. And then I take my you know how your fingers get fucking dirty as shit because like you've been bowling.

I know you're going with this and I love it. And like the lady starts rubbing it in and I'm like and I put my fucking greasy ass index finger on her on her on her lips. Why. Because I'm just like don't say that. Don't say that around me. Say what. She's like suck it. I just got a turkey which is like bowling three strikes in a row.

Yeah. And like my fucking it's caked at this point with the black grease from a bowling ball. Why'd you rub the bottom of it so much. I didn't rub the bottom. I'm just using the ball and naturally kicked in it. It doesn't naturally get caked in it. Black grease because everyone's been touching this ball. Right.

I understand. But how does it actually how does it get caked in it if you're not trying to do it. It's over the course of the evening. I haven't washed my hands and what feels like hours and I've bold. I don't know 15 20 40 frames at this point. Yeah. Of course. That's a lot.

Exactly. Yeah. Well I keep going into because I'm like I lose the first two. I'm like best of five. That's bullshit. What is this the fucking NBA playoffs. Let's go best of seven. Is your finger at her lips at that point too.

What are you saying. That's my finger is hooking her mouth the entire time while I'm while I'm going over the rules and then let's say I do beat her that one time. I'm going to be like all right first two were warm ups first two were warm ups and now I'm up one. Do your dates usually go well. No way. Dude.

I'm at Burger King. I don't give a shit. As long as I get one game off them I don't care what happens next. Your dates are more about winning bowling than meeting people. Yeah. And sometimes it's not even a date. Sometimes I'm just bowling with a dude a friend. Yeah.

Well you're in a league. Yeah. And that's a date. That's a date night. You have been fingering a lot of dudes in your bowling league. Let's get to the next question. I'm sick of talking about how romantic I am. Yeah.

It's embarrassing. Oh this is a good one. Dude's name a bearded dude. A bearded dude. How about James Hardin writes I've been going to this barber shop that's been exclusively female barbers. I've been going to this one stylist Alex and she does a pretty good job. A couple months ago I made an appointment on a day that Alex wasn't working.

I decided to take whoever was available and I got my hair cut and beard trimmed by Elizabeth. She ended up doing a great job. Much better than Alex. My predicament is that I want to go see Elizabeth instead of Alex now. But how do I go about doing that without hurting Alex's feelings. I can try scheduling appointments for days that Alex isn't working and Elizabeth is but how do I even make sure of that discreetly. I'm sure there's an easy solution here I just can't think of it.

Thanks for any help you can give. I hate that I missed you guys when you were in Houston. Hope to catch you next time. What I really liked you had been at that Houston show actually. Houston show we could have used Alex. We could have used some more fans in that audience. Actually Alex if you're in Toronto on October 1st why would you be there. Urvine on October 14th we're actually going to be there too so maybe we can see you there.

We'll also come into Isla Vista in February. I think we should start promoting that show. Even if it's students over. Yeah. Don't even worry about that. Sure. Sorry. I called that guy Alex.

The stylist is Alex. The bad stylist Alex. Good stylist Elizabeth. This guy James Harden. Sounds like do you have this issue. Do you go to a specific barber. I don't. Sometimes I wish I did because there has been like one or two times where I got a stylist

that I really liked. Yeah. I was like and I like took their card but I didn't save it or remember it. Right. And then like usually when I am getting a haircut or something I want it that day. Yeah. It's like the last straw I've had three bad hair days in a row and I'm like this is happening now.

Right. And I go and if they're there great and if not. You don't plan ahead. No. But some people have their favorites. Yeah. Some people I mean some people are like regimented in the. Yeah.

Like every month I'm going to get my hair cut. Right. Or I'm going to get a haircut next week so I'll make an appointment now. I wouldn't do that. But it doesn't seem like this is what this is Elizabeth's problem to tell Alex that she like if there's tension between like it's not like Alex is his friend. He just went to her a couple times. Yeah.

But then it's like it's weird. You go to the same lady for like eight times and then you just arrive and you're just like oh hello I'm actually here to see Elizabeth today. What's like basically saying oh hi I think Elizabeth is better than you. Yeah. Maybe so. What's wrong with the idea of going in on days that Alex isn't working. I guess he has to ask Elizabeth that.

Right. It's kind of weird to know which what day Alex doesn't work. But what a weird thing to like ask Elizabeth is like hey is Alex working this day. Well you could call Alex one time and you're like hey I want I can eat a haircut soon. What's your schedule. And then you get her schedule and you just use that to avoid her. God I'm comfortable. Yeah.

I'm free every day next week with Thursday. Oh really Thursday is sort of the only one I can do is Elizabeth around. I also think you could just go in for your appointment with Elizabeth. If you see Alex you say I didn't know you're working. I just made an appointment with Elizabeth next time. And then that's probably the only time you ever have to address it. Now it'll happen again. But like once you do it and like once he comes back and they're there at the same time it

probably like she'll just get the hint. She'll get the idea. I don't think also I don't know. Is it are they used to this style is like they get clients and lose clients and especially like a barbershop. Right. Yeah. But I think it still stings nonetheless.

And I feel like this guy's had developed a relationship with Alex. Sometimes you can talk to barbers about doing like private appointments. Like outside of the barbershop because at the barbershop they only keep they get a salary and they keep tips or something. So you could say like hey I'd rather just give you the twenty five bucks or whatever it costs. So he just goes to Elizabeth and says hey can you give me a private go direct to the source.

Yeah. And then you go to her place and oh oh she lives with Alex. You idiot. Fuck. She's home and she's seeing this is stalking you. And it's like that shaggy song caught me red handed on the bathroom floor. Alex. Call me on camera.

Yeah. Because it should be more than enough evidence I would think Alex comes home later and like lifts up a hair. She's like oh did you cut someone's hair. And Elizabeth was like I don't know maybe. What are you talking about. She's like this. This belongs to James Hardin.

I know this mop anywhere. I can tell he's been here and then he's in the bathroom flushing the toilet. Alex walks or sorry James walks out of the bathroom. He had no idea. Oh shit. I'm trying to think what I would do in this situation. I guess if I. I would ask when Alex works and go on days that she doesn't.

I think I would just schedule with Elizabeth and if I saw Alex I would pray that she was cutting someone else's hair because then she wouldn't really even notice. Yeah. Would you. I think that first example is correct. I think that's what you should do. But I just don't think I would do it. Would you pray to God though.

When you said you were. Did I say pray to God. No you said you would pray. I wouldn't pray to God. Like what would you. Who would you pray to. Like because you don't necessarily believe in God right. Yeah.

I would just sort of like say to myself as you're walking like please don't let her. Yeah. You're sort of like who are you talking to like. I don't know. Just like the ether the universe. The universe the world. Yeah. Do you believe in this some sort of universal energy that can guide.

Yeah. I believe that like if you put a hope and a dream out into the world you can like sort of make it come to fruition. Right. So it's not necessarily a religious aspect it's just spiritualism in general. Yeah. So just the idea that something larger than us is there you don't necessarily know what it is or isn't.

Right. Of course. Sort of like you control your own destiny. Right. So you you're saying. But by power of positive thinking. Exactly. So when you're talking to yourself you're not really talking to yourself you're just

sort of putting words out into the universe and then. Yes. You realize them so they can. Become true to you but not necessarily a prayer as known in the classical sense of oh dear God this thing. I'm more taking that word and making it my own. Yeah. Exactly.

To pray. Which makes sort of you which turns you into that sort of God type person. So like I will. I don't think. I will begin now praying to you. I don't. You would be my God. I don't want.

You would be my deity. I don't want. You would be my savior. You would be my lord. I don't. As it were. So bow down to me. It feels right.

Bow to me. All right. Me. Would you bow at me. I'm bowing to you sir. No. Like a real. Come on.

I'll. There. That's nice. Oh that felt good. All right. Fuck me. Do it again. I feel like you're just taking advantage of it now.

Oh God. Dearest God. Why are you so merciful. Why do you show me little mercy God. All right. That's what we would do if we were you. Let's take a break and come back with another question or two. This show is sponsored by better help.

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Shenatava. Shenatava and Metuka. Absolutely. Let's get back. So where were we? Oh, right. You are my new Lord. I do bow to you.

I do pray to you. Do you worship me? I worship you. And unlike gods of your, I can actually see you and feel you so you are more... Are you my humble servant? I do humbly live to serve you. Do you serve me? Will you do my bedding?

I will... Will you do my bedding? My bed has been soiled. I see that Lord. I am a god and I have no need for bathrooms. I have pissed and shat in my bed. Oh, God. Oh, God is right.

Oh, Lord, you have indeed defecated and urinated on your sheet and your bath. I have moved my bowels. As I move in you, as I move your spirit, and will you move my sheets to the laundry? Or perhaps the garbage? Yes. Yes, oh, Lord, because I'm afraid that the amount of damage that's been done to your sheets, my Lord, by your bowels and by your excrement, by your urinate, I don't know if any amount of bleach or detergent could clean these soiled sheets, my Lord.

That's enough about the sheets. You're God's starting to get a little insecure about it. Your God is actually scared and a little bit shamed. Like I can't control my shit right now, which actually isn't very God-like at all. We mentioned before Toronto Show coming up October 1st. We have another show, October 2nd, as part of the Just for Last Comedy Festival and live podcast in Irvine. Follow them, tickets and information available on our website, if I were you, show.com.

Have you ever ridden at Irvine? I don't think so. Let me tell you, shit's going to get wild. That's in the OC? Is it like a beach town? It's like the OC meets Anaheim meets Fullerton. I've been to Anaheim. Yeah, yeah, Disneyland, right?

Angels Game, actually. Exactly right. So take what you... Not exactly right. That's right, Angels Game, whatever. So take everything you knew about Anaheim and then say, oh, maybe let's push it a little bit closer to Fullerton, a little with a sprinkle of Laguna Beach. Laguna, love that, love that.

And the city of Tustin. You put it all in a bowl and out comes this magical little town known as Irvine. Is it near the beach? It is not. Wipeout. Very nice. There are lots of streets, though, and I assure you there is a mall. Okay, so it's like a lot of towns.

And a chop stop if you're looking to get a salad pre-show. Really? How do you know that? I actually don't. I'm hoping there is some sort of chopped saladerie, not necessarily a chop stop. Yeah. We're going to have fun. It's going to get wet and wild.

Yeah, it's going to be insane. And it's going to be Wednesday, so make sure you take Thursday off. Because you know we come to play. Unless you want to, you need to work on Thursday, maybe tough it through Thursday and you can ask for Friday off. That way it's like a three-day weekend. Yeah, that's nice. Although you don't want to take too much time off because summer has just, because it'll

be October. Right. You got to save your vacation days, save your personal days. Because even if you do lose it, yeah, you can get it. Because they could roll over and then you can take a nice long vacation. A nice long trip, maybe to Europe or something. So this is what you do. You come hang with us on Wednesday.

Well, if you have work on Thursday. I don't know if Wednesday going out on Wednesday is a smart idea. No, I think stay in on Wednesday. Stay in Wednesday. Stay in Thursday. Go out. Okay, yeah. No, don't go out on Thursday.

I was thinking that too, but then it's like you don't want to be hungry. Then Friday's all messed up. Yeah. Well, actually, I think it's some, you go out Thursday, you're a little hungover at work, so the day sort of like goes by in a haze. And then Friday night. Friday night you rest up. A rest up.

Yeah, rest up. You rest up for Saturday. You rage-face on Saturday. Then Sunday's all about football and chilling. And recovery. Although I am a little bit worried if you get one of those hangovers that last until Monday. Yeah. So maybe don't go out.

Friday's a home day, a home night, I should say. Well, I was saying if you want, you could reverse and not go out on Thursday, so you go strong on Friday, and then you're hungover Saturday and Sunday, but real fresh by Monday. So one night instead of two. I like that. Or if you want to just have a me weekend, where you like go out and be like. Yeah, if you just drink tea on Friday. Tea on Friday and have a nice Saturday.

And then on Saturday you stay in. Yeah. Watch a movie. Right. And then on Sunday you exercise. Maybe there's some place you can go kayaking. Get up early before, like as people are still out from the night before. That's nice.

That way it's like the city belongs to you for a little bit. If you come back home and you read a novel. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Just exercise your body and your mind. Exactly, right. So what am I doing? It's a recap.

Rolling your face off on Wednesday. Going crazy on Thursday. Going ham on Friday. Bucked up Fridays. Silly Saturdays. Church Sunday. All right, let's get to one last. Oh, you know what?

We actually, before we get to the last question, we got an email about a guy that had a run in with John Wolf. Oh, really? It was really interesting. It was something I didn't know for sure. I had to suspect it because I've seen people exit bathrooms in sort of a sour mood and I'm like, what? When global's in there?

Yeah. It's like, what the fuck is he doing? So I guess this is what he's doing. It's come first hand from somebody who shared a bathroom with John Global Wolf. So he writes, you know how you can see when people are using a public stall based on their feet under the door? I noticed Global, John Wolf, enter a bathroom but I could not see his feet after he went into the stall.

Someone entered the bathroom and tried to open his locked stall at which point Global yelled, what the hell dude? It turns out John Wolf enters bathroom stalls and while sitting on the toilet he lifts his legs high into the air and suspends them like a woman giving birth just to confuse people entering the bathroom over whether the stall is occupied or not. Why? So... What does he get out of that?

People like, you push on the door and it's like there's a little bit of resistance and then you're like, oh maybe this is one of those pull doors and then you pull on the door. And then he yells at you. He yells at you. So you feel like bashful. Right. You feel bad. He basically aims to...

And it's not good because it compounds with the fact that you probably have to use the bathroom pretty bad. Right. So then you want to leave or you're too embarrassed. He likes to bashfulize so he'll turn people into a bash. But that's illegal. It's not illegal though. Oh.

Yeah, that's what he does. So all of a sudden he does is completely legal. He can't get quote unquote in legal trouble for any of this stuff. Fuck him. He wreaks havoc on humanity. It's not even havoc. I wish it were havoc. Right.

Because then you could put a stop to it. It's a low level of his. It's like a reign of quiet terror. Yeah. Like have you ever been in a quiet room and then you hear like a really high pitched audio and you're like, what is that? Like why am I hearing this high pitched ringing? That's global.

That is global. Like that's... He is that energy. That's the noise. That's the noise among us. Yeah. And he's a sound wave to you. An ice-pick to your brain.

He's a gnat in your ear. Yeah. He's an invisible little spider web that you feel when you're walking up the stairs. He's brain freeze. He's a bead of sweat on your back on a hot day. Let's get to one last question. Yeah. Sorry, I'm just in such a pissed off room from local.

No, I know. I am too. I am too. Yeah. He's selling something I said on Cafe Press. Who? Oh, Global? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He put a quote of your...not on Cafe Press on T-Public. Oh, wait. T-Public? Whatever it is. I don't know what it's about, but don't buy it. He took one of your inspirational quotes and designed it into a poster. You tweeted about it.

So if you go to Twitter.com. I didn't retweet it. He hacked my account. He did that. Yeah. Holy shit. Totally legal. Gloccally legal.

We need a girl's name. Tess. She loves it. Love the show and I have a problem. My mom's a lawyer, but recently due to the economy she hasn't been getting as many cases. She applied for and was about to start a lecturing job so she could have a steady income until today when she made the realization that she wants to be a spiritual healer after watching a YouTube tutorial on it.

Now she wants to invest in some woman's healing kit and start a practice in our house. She said that she would start part time, but was sure it would overtake her law. I don't really believe in that kind of stuff, but she claims that it really works, though she has an impressionable mind and she did join a cult that had her praying in tongues and frequently creepy nighttime prayer sessions. I know this is selfish, but I don't think we can go from living on lawyer money to whatever a healer makes. My question is, should I tell her that I think this is a bad idea and if so, how?

Am I allowed to tell my mom not to do things? Love Tess. Oh, that is tough. P.S. she's no longer in a cult. That's good. Alright. Am I allowed to tell my mom to do things? I think you're allowed to tell your mom.

I don't think she'll listen to you. You're allowed to have an opinion. You're allowed to have an opinion, but I can't imagine raising a child into a teenager and then hearing what it has to say with any sense of validity. It's like, yeah, I know you think that I breastfed you and raised you as a smarmy-ass toddler. Well, do you think it's a good idea for this lady to become a spiritual healer? I guess I don't necessarily think that it's bad to change career paths because she's not necessarily a successful lawyer, so it's like, whatever will make you happy.

If anything, she should be on the fence about becoming a spiritual healer and her daughter's like, you got to do what makes you happy, don't worry, I'll make do. Also, what kind of case do you have when you're like, Mom, I'm sorry, but the lifestyle I lead, I need that lawyer money, so you're just asking someone else to make more money for you. Yeah, that's really true. So you can't really tell someone that you're dependent on to change their source of income for you.

Yeah, but I feel like that's true, but part of me is this girl is looking out for her mom a little bit. She's like, hey, is this another thing that you're getting swept up in, like the cult? Are you sure this isn't a better hobby and there's not a better career? Yeah, what you can do is be one opinion of hopefully many because I feel like once you have your heart set on something, it takes a few to counteract it. It won't just come from one. But I think there's never a real benefit to telling someone they shouldn't do something.

I think what you can do is give your mom more and more information so she can make a better informed decision, maybe share with her some research about spiritual healers' salaries. Do you think you can afford to do this if you're only doing this X, Y, and Z types of nash? Maybe if you dive into it with her, then you can defeat it from the inside rather than start trying to chip away at it from the out. But I also think that it's much like any, like you said, chipping away. It's not going to come from just one person.

I think a bunch of people are going to have to sow seeds of doubt and then hopefully they blossom into beautiful trees of self-destruction and eventually tear your mother out of this spiritual nonsense that she wants to get into. Maybe there's money in it. Who knows? Yeah, there's a lot of money in spiritual healing and it sounds like this law thing isn't going too well for her either. So there is a chance.

What if both things were equal? Would you still be down with a spiritual healer? Right. Because if you just... You got to ask yourself that. Is this just a money thing for you? True. Or is it just like, I don't believe in spiritual healing so I don't want my mom to do it.

And she was in a cult one time so she lost a lot of credit. I remember the cult mother. Don't think I forgot about the cult and the tongues mother. I do remember about the tongues. I do remember about the cult. Why don't you stick to the law thing? Because I got a car that I want to buy. Mommy.

It also depends on how old this lady is. She's like bragging about the lawyer money but she also is not making enough to sustain herself. Right. So then what now? I like that lawyer ching ching. Yeah, baby. My mom is needing a new job.

The lawyer money has dried up. That well has dried. So I do need more cash. I'm afraid it won't... $500 an hour, baby, but she ain't getting built, she ain't getting paid. $500 an hour times zero hours this week comes out to a grand hefty sum of... I can't buy a car. So I suggest to sow a seed of doubt.

Make your opinion known. You can tell your mommy what you think but I don't think you convince your mommy to change your mind. And I suggest acquiring as much information as you can about becoming a spiritual healer. And then you guys can make a truly informed decision that everyone can feel good about. That's your advice for everything. You always acquire more information about becoming a spiritual healer. I often tell people to become a spiritual healer.

Yeah, what does that mean to become a spiritual healer? I have like... I don't feel like I do that kind of stuff. Yeah, like that Eastern shit, that Eastern medicine shit. I bet there's varying degrees of spiritual healism too. Yeah. Like some will actually give you stuff to do and then some will just like burn incense around you and say you'll be fine.

That's the kind I want to be. I want to just sort of make a pleasant smoke around a human and say that they'll be fine. That's nice. And I'd like to take cash for that. I think that's Reiki. What's that? Reiki. What is Reiki?

She used to do it. It's sort of just like... Like chakras. I'm going to butcher it. Yeah. It's just like place her hands near your body and be like sending energy and stuff. Yeah. It's in...

Sometimes it worked. There you go. Hey, how do you argue with that? Sometimes it worked. That's what it says on the brochure. I went to her. Sometimes it worked. Cool.

Thank you for writing. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, your own Facebook thumbnail submissions, we highly recommend reaching out to us. If I were you, show at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Jonathan Gould. This closing one was written by Luke Smith. We'll be back next week. I promise it will be less hot in here.

We won't sound as sweaty. We won't sound as tired. We won't sound as miserable. We won't sound as hot. Yep. I'm looking forward to it. Can't wait. See you guys soon.

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