If I Were You - 175: Moon Facts

Episode Date: September 21, 2015

In this episode we discuss droughts, jupiter, and geography.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, MeUndies, and Squarespace.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Pretty sweet. Very sweet. It was actually really sweet. I loved how sweet it was. It was saccharine. It was so sugary. It was agave.

It was liquid. It was natural sweetener. Yeah, it's actually not good for you. Even though it's a natural sweetener, it's just as bad for you. I'd rather it be honey, because honey is actually better for you than fruit sugar.

Now, yes, that is correct. That came to us from Gugu in Cape Town, South Africa. Wait, what's her name? Gugu, G-U-G-U. Gugu? Mm-hmm, from South Africa. That's pretty cool.

Yeah, I didn't know we had fans in South Africa. We should go to South Africa. Weren't we just there? Oh, no, that was Australia. Yeah, I think it's the same country. Is Holland? Holland and Netherlands are like the same in South Africa and Australia are the same.

Huh. It's all just like... We should buy a map and I'll put a pin in Johannesburg. Yeah, because that's where we went. We went to Sydney and Johannesburg. It's all just, you know, bizarro America speaking English

in a funny accent. Yeah. So England, Australia, South Africa, these are all normals. And then there's the secondary places, which is like normals speaking a slightly different language. So that's the Spain, Portugal, Mexico,

Cotarica, Puerto Rico. Keep on going because I feel like you're going to say something really racist. And then the third layer... America Normals, the third layer is weirdo speaking a different language. All of a sudden, that's a fucking different planet. We're talking Iceland.

We are talking Sweden. We're talking Nigeria. We're talking Cameroon. We're talking China, Russia. And then lastly, we're talking bottom of the barrel for the world. I feel complicit in this bit

because I was doing it up top, but I do not condone it. The moon. Which is a different planet than ours. Thank you. Is the moon a different planet? No, you're right. It's not a planet.

It's a moon. Do you know I actually learned some interesting facts this weekend? By the way, these are... All right. I'll try to remember. Do you know how many moons Jupiter has? I'll say nine.

You'll say nine? Yeah. What would you do if I told you you were off by... Why don't you try to guess how many number... How much you're off by now? Okay. Nine. So you think Jupiter either has zero

or 18 moons? That's right. Okay. Now, try to fucking wrap your dick around. I'm going to tell you one thing. You are way off. Okay. Do you care to venture a third previously

thought-to-be-outlandish guess? 111. You've finally gone too high. You nailed it. The answer is 67. That's a lot of moons. It's a lot of moons. Also, do you know how many astronauts

have been on our moon? Mmm. This game was a lot of fun to play with a bunch of drunk people at a bar. How many astronauts... Wait, were you just looking at moonfacts.com? I don't know how I started... No, it was like...

I think we started talking about... Oh, it started off because Dave... We were like talking to these people who... Our friend Nick told the story of how Dave didn't think the moon was real. Right, of course. And then we started talking about the moon and then I think Jeff, Dave's brother said

that only the Apollo 11... I think it was Apollo 11. But only Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin had been on the moon. He thought there was only one mission in the moon and nobody else had gone. Got it. So then I was like, well, I found out

how many people had walked on the moon. Oh, walked on the moon? Yeah. Isn't it sad that there was a third person that didn't walk on the moon? Yeah, nobody... Do you know his name? No.

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and... Roger Starr. Blumpest Frunk. It's like driving to New York and then everyone's like, all right, let's finally get out of the car. And you're like, I'm going to wait in here and play Game Boy.

Tell me when we're driving back to LA. Hey, Neil, I have a good idea for a quote. So how many people have been on the moon? You don't want to guess? Oh. Everybody out there can guess along. Only Americans? I don't think anybody else from any country

has been on the moon. But actually, I don't know that. Interesting. Yeah, has there ever been a Russian cosmonaut? Space, but did they walk on the moon? Maybe they have. That's really interesting. Yeah, that's why we put our flag in there.

Mm-hmm. Take it the fuck out if you want. We get the moon. We claimed it for the U.S. of A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.

28. 28's wrong, but it's pretty close. Oh. 18. Oh. I think it was 18. Now I don't remember if it was 18 or 20. Oh, shit.

I got a little... You're listening to some vague moon facts on If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us, I'm Amir. Jupiter's got 11 moons. I was way up. Here's another fact I sort of know. Two females on the moon seems about right.

I don't know. Maybe there has been a dog. Maybe there hasn't. Again. I was in space. These are all guesses. These are all absolute guesses. All right.

How many people have walked on the moon? 12. Mm. All right. Any ladies? Let's see. 12 of these astronauts walked on the moon's surface, and six of those drove lunar roving vehicles on the moon.

Oh, that's the best. I would want to try. Well, three astronauts flew to the moon twice. None of them landed on the moon more than once. The nine Apollo missions to the moon occurred between December 1968 and December 1972. Well, hey. Everybody on the moon has been on the moon in those four years.

Nobody's been on the moon since. Is that what it says? This is 1972, I guess so. Nobody's walked on the moon since 1972? Interesting. What the hell is that? How come all these fucking guys from the 60s and 70s get to chill on the moon, and all these modern day

astronauts are just what? Floating around in space near the moon? They don't get to walk on the shit? What are you looking up now? The last person to walk on the moon. And did he moonwalk? Apollo 17. When was that?

I can't really find it right now, but it looks like, I mean... Was it December 1972? Probably, right? Because this guy does not look young. He may be dead. So walking on the moon is more rare than being president? Yeah. Like what else has only 12 people done?

There's less unassisted triple, or no, there's more unassisted triple plays. Wow. It's more likely to do that than to walk on the moon. That's why I guess it's pretty impressive that you and I are going to outer space. That's right. Now's the time we make the announcement. We're doing a live show on the north crag of the moon. You think the moon has subsections that have names like that?

Yeah. Like kind of Everest has names like, oh, we're landing on top sphere A. Right, I bet they're like, definitely. Magna Crago. I mean, yeah, I think there are craters named on the moon, for sure. Yeah, but do other countries have to agree to those names? Or is it just like we'll call them those names? Probably not, right?

Unless, I don't know how it works. Well, if they don't like the names, they can touch the fucking moon themselves. Yeah, we get to name it. Because we went there for us to have it, to have for us. To own it to be there. And if you don't want for us to be there, then you get there before us. And Neil Armstrong is the king of the moon. Because he was the one that was there the first time.

Neil owns the moon. And we are just all citizens of the other 10 people that have been on the moon. So it goes Neil Armstrong. I'd actually like to join the moon's army. What do you mean? I mean, every single country and continent has an army. Sure. I don't even think that's true.

I think I said sure prematurely, because I don't think every country and continent has an army. You don't think Antarctica has an army? You should join Antarctica's army. No, I fight for the moon. I think you first have to join the Antarctic army. Does that seem like some kind of dystopian future movie? Like, I'm in the moon army, I'm in the Antarctic army. Yeah, the Antarctic army.

The Antarctic army. That's awesome, dude. Thank you. That's so cool, dude. That's nice. I like that, dude. It's so tight. Yeah, man.

That you think so big, dude. Yeah. I think... Like, you think globally and globally. I do think locally. You also think interstellarly. So like, you're not bound by atmospheric pressure, gravity or anything like that. People are so consumed with their fucking apartment.

Then people think, oh, I think big. I'm thinking about the whole block. And then guess what? I think globally? No, I think galactically. I'm talking wormholes, black holes. Sustainable... Like, are you worried about like, sustainable meat?

No, dude. Because I honestly... Because that's all earth shit. That's earth shit. So like, what did you have for breakfast today? I had pink hot dog slurry. Yeah. I butchugged Frankford.

Frankford is the ballpark Frank. But why is that? Why did you butchug a Frankford-er? Because in your mind, you're already living in Mars. And that's how people do shit up there. That's why I fight for the Martian army. When does the Matt Damon movie come out where he's stuck on the moon? Oh, I don't know.

But you saw how he got... Our boy got into a little bit of trouble. Can we just talk about this for a second? You think Matt... He interrupted and he mansplained. He mansplained and he whitesplained. Yeah. And he hydroplains.

Matt, I think you got some explaining to do. Very good. Very good. Should we start revering a different hero? Because it appears as though Matt is actually flawed more so than we thought. We all make... I think Matt Damon making this mistake proves that everybody... Nobody's perfect.

Damon fucked up. Pitt. Pitt would never do this shit. No. Proud. Are you kidding me, dude? He's so fucking... He's sensitive.

But he's also cut. I don't know. He has hot hair and a hot eyes. He's not as perfect as Matt Damon used to be. What do you think's a better actor? Matt Damon's a better actor. Is he? I think so.

Does Damon have range or is he always just like this cool white smart dude? Yeah, but that's kind of what Brad Pitt is too. But Brad Pitt does cool white smart dude, but he also does like a rugged cool army dude. Yeah. I guess he did snatch. He was pretty unique character in that. Snatch, yeah. That was cool.

And he also sometimes plays like sad guy. When does he play sad guy? There's a movie where he's like... What? Babble. He plays a sad guy. I never saw Babble. Okay.

Sorry about that. Matt Damon really destroyed my world this week. Everything is different. Well, let's try to answer some questions regardless of the world as according to Matt Damon. We get emails from people in sticky situations. They're seeking our advice because they can't reach Damon. They can only reach us. So these are real emails from real people.

If you have your own, send them over to IfIReviewShow at gmail.com. Again, thank you to Goo Goo from Cape Town, South Africa. To you. Beautiful song. Yep. A view view from Goo Goo. And this question is actually written and recorded. It wasn't actually recorded.

It was just written by a high schooler. Can I get a name for this high schooler? A high schooler. Let's call him... What about the name of your high school? Okay. Hamden Hall. That could be a cool name actually.

Hi, my name is Hamden. Hamden Hall. That's actually a really chill name. Really? Because the H-H is kind of strong. Yeah. Should I? You know, don't worry about it.

I was... I see where you're going and I don't want you to do anything like that. Yeah. Don't change your name is what I'm saying. I wasn't going to. All right. I was... So...

Call me Hamden. Oh, shit. All right. Hamden writes, Here's the situation. I'm a senior in high school. For most of my time in high school, I have struck out with the ladies. The last time I hooked up with someone was more than two years ago.

However, I finally decided to start taking things more seriously. And I've got five or six irons in the fire right now. Things genuinely do seem to be going well. I'm thinking that I'll probably be successful with one of these chicks in the next month or so. However, since I'm just coming off a long drought, I am nervous about hooking up with some of these people and making a fool out of myself by being clumsy slash out of practice. How can I get warmed up enough not to be laughed at like a dumb clown?

I love the show. You guys are cools of yourself. Peace and peaches love Hamden Hall. All right, HH. He's looking for a fuck practice dummy dollar human. He doesn't want to play pick up basketball without shooting some hoops beforehand. Especially when he's been on a two year long drought. A Miller genuine drought.

That's for real. That's two years of the long time. That's a drought. That's a muscle's will atrophy in that time. I'm surprised that he was able to hook. Usually, if it's a two year long drought in high school, I would imagine you just go, it's like an 18 year long drought. Yeah.

It's rare to hook up in freshman year. I was a pimp when I was 14. I was the coolest, hottest, most ass getting guy. Oh, maybe it was like cool in middle school, not in high school. It's possible. Didn't that happen to you? I was cool in, yeah, yes. Like didn't you hook up as a 14 year old and then not again for a little bit while?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Freshman, but then I got, I was like a little wave. Freshman and sophomore year were pretty hard. Didn't hook up. I mean a little bit, but not very much. And then. And it still kills you to this day. It was, it's the braces, dude.

You have braces and you just don't feel like, I don't think I kissed anybody the entire time I had braces, probably. But now braces are like, I feel like they're made to be a little bit more discreet, a little cooler. It's not as big of a deal. Yeah. You could get an Invisalign. I had a fucking expander.

I had, I had a chin cup. I had braces. I had a nose guard. Right. Because I would be bumping into shit. Well, you had, your teeth were growing through your cheeks, right? My teeth. Yes.

My teeth are coming out of my right cheek. You look like in my whale. Yeah. And I had one horn that penetrated from the roof of my mouth upward into my brain and through my scalp. You were a triceratops because you had two years. For two years. And then you had a growth on your nose.

I was a rhinoceros for 9th, 10th and a half of 11th grade. Right. And then I had this thick, thick skin. I had a thick kind of enamel. Yeah. A cone. It was almost like a small traffic cone that started at the base of my brain and went up. There was a bidding for a license to kill you.

Because it was a rare game. Yeah. I was a rare game. And a dentist actually tried to murder me. I lost Cecil the lion. Only you weren't beloved so no one stood up for you. Everyone cheered. They thought I was dead.

But I was just playing it. They positively reviewed that dentist's yelp page. He was known as the dentist of the year in Minneapolis, Minnesota. So what does this guy do? How does one practice? Can one practice for sex without, or can one practice for looking up? Six irons in the fire. That does sound like practice.

You have to dive back in. Well irons in the fire just means texts, flirtations, things of that nature. But I mean like, I think that's what it is. You're just getting back in the game. You're flirting with girls. Hopefully that converts to you seeing somebody. Hopefully that converts to you kissing somebody. You know, like that's the practice.

There's not, what are you saying? Like can this guy just go in, use a flashlight and Siri? Yeah. Is that the equivalent of practice? Just asking Siri to fucking. There's like, Siri talk dirty to me. The carpet needs vacuuming. Wow.

That's kind of funny. Yeah. She's pretty good. Hey Siri. You actually, I'm getting pretty hard. Wait. What are you going to? Siri, are you attracted to me?

I'm sorry Jake. I'm afraid I can't answer that. Because if you, because you're afraid of how deep your feelings will go. Who me? Forget it. You're obviously not taking this Siri, this Lee. Is there practice? I'm afraid the only practice is doing it.

I genuinely want to try to flirt with Siri more. I really think I can get her on my team. I think I could get her off. There's a reason people aren't good at this kind of stuff until they do it is because at first like there is no, there's no substitution for the real thing. Right. You can masturbate. Yeah.

But even masturbating is just so different that I feel like even when I've jerked off for a date, it's still someone touching you and talking to you and being a real person. What would you say the metaphor is? Masturbation is to sex as what's another parallel. You can think for a little bit. I'll either stall or cut out time depending on how long it takes you to think. Okay. Well, let's pretend like you stall for a second and I'll try to think.

But if I take a really long time, then we'll just. Yeah, cut it. Snip, snip. All right. Masturbation is to sex as you're already thinking about food, right? Food was the exact first thing. Sex is like a really nice steak dinner. Okay.

So masturbation is to sex. Oh, like dinner is to. Well, dinner is the masturbation. Oh, okay. So what's like if the sex is a really nice, the best meal you've ever had? Well, I feel like sex is the meal. So say sex is dinner. Yeah.

What do you do? You're preparing for dinner? Yeah. Is it like snacking or is it even less than that? I don't think it's like. Is it a rich cracker? Because snacking would be like hooking up. It's not.

It's like not food. It's completely not even food. So masturbation is to sex as like video games is to a nice dinner? Or. Because it's really, it's so unrelatable. Vomiting. Vomiting. The opposite of dinner.

Food coming out of you. Total. Yeah. It's like counterproductive to dinner, but it like still feels cathartic in a way. Some people puke before dinner to make room or to prepare your esophagus. Exactly. So like I'll often vomit before a dinner. It's called reverse bulimia.

How about shitting is to dinner? Oh. Because shitting like masturbating feels really good. It sort of clears the system for. That might be the one. So masturbation is to sex as shitting is to eating dinner. Does that make sense? Put that on a t-shirt, Wolf.

Global will actually come up with various t-shirts that don't necessarily come from something you said, but still attribute it to you. But since he's not technically selling it, it's not illegal. So fucked. I like that metaphor. I also, one of the things that I like about this question is that it vacillates between the most confident guy in the world and the least confident guy. So he's like, I'm probably going to hook up in a month.

Yeah. That being said, I haven't hooked up with anyone and I'm afraid of being laughed at like a dumb clown. Yeah. Where does he get his confidence from? I finally started to take things seriously. I've got six irons in the fire. Like he's also just saying, the only reason I haven't hooked up in two years is because

I didn't have my head in the game. Isn't it weird to think that high schoolers might be on Tinder? Is that a thing? Yeah, because you could be. 18. Yeah, 18. You're allowed to be on it when you're 18. Yeah.

Well, you could also definitely just lie about it, right? It doesn't take, I think it's attached to your Facebook, but I don't know if you can lie on that and then just reverse lie. Yeah. I think you can. That's awesome, dude. Imagine that. So cool.

I'd get hooked up with so much at my high school if I had Tinder as an 18 year old. Imagine me as, or I guess most 18 year old boys on Tinder. Who would you find? Yeah. Just a lot. I don't know. Lots and lots and lots of other 18 year old boys catfishing each other. So how can I get warmed up enough not to be laughed at?

It seems as though you can try. Yeah, you just can't. I think you just have to be like of these six people that, these six irons that. Or in the fire. Just hang out with one of them, you know? Yeah. Keep on trying. And hope it.

Let her know that she's practice. What? Yeah. After you're done, say, well, that wasn't too bad, but you know, practice makes perfect. All those other men were practice. What's that? They were practice. Practice.

Is that a song? For me. For me. What was that? For me. Drake. What? He's saying other guys are, oh, all the other guys you've been with are practice, right?

Yeah. Shouldn't you be the best at sex at your current age? Cause you've had the most experience now. Yeah, but I think, well, I guess it probably at a certain point starts to dip, right? Cause I think I care about sex less now than when I was like 23, 24. Oh, so your brain space is less occupied with sex. Well, actually, I don't know. I think I'm probably a better lover than I was then.

I think I could like, I'm definitely more thoughtful now. If that helps. I care more about the other person enjoying it than I did when I was younger. Right. When you're younger, you're just like, oh, I'm fucking, and it feels so good. It is amazing. Yeah. And now, and now I think it's, I view it as more of a dual person experience.

Right. Well, you want to be good. Maybe because it's easier to tell people if you're not. It's easier to tell people. There's like apps and stuff that was like, how good was he? So it's like, you got to focus on the other person. There you go. It might be a bad way to get to it, but it's kind of a good way to think about it.

Like if you only think about the other person because you want to like make sure that they're having the best time of their lives, that might be the best way to go at it. Yeah. You should always be thinking, wanting the other person to feel great. I guess if you get to that mentality because you're worried about your Lulu score, then you're an asshole, but also doing a good thing. Is that like the ends justify the means? Yeah.

What's that metaphor? Having sex with someone when you're only thinking about them is like eating healthy because you're allergic to oil. Or eating healthy because you want to fuck more people. Yeah. It's a bad reasoning, but it's also a good idea. A net positive. It's also a good tip for guys because it'll feel good for you regardless, so you might

as well not even think about it feeling good for you. In fact, try to do the opposite. Make it feel as bad for you as humanly as possible. That way, you're just focused on the other person. You'll last as long as possible or as long as you're capable of doing it. And then all your focus and energy and attention are on the other person. Truth, truth. Do you ever accidentally come when you were thinking about your grandfather?

Oh, like I'm going to think about something unsexy and it's too late. Yeah. I mean, not your grandfather, but mine. Definitely not. Actually, maybe yours. Yeah, a couple of times. And I thought about yours. But I was just masturbating.

It wasn't anybody else. Right, right, right, right. Do you think about someone else while you're masturbating? You just cybered with my grandfather. You did a Skype call. Oh, dear God, man. Do I ever think about someone else? You're masturbating and then you're like, oh, think unsexy thoughts because I want it

to last longer for me. Oh. So you're like lying to yourself retroactively. No, because you could just stop masturbating. Like. Oh, like move your hand. Yeah. Do you ever do that?

Like this is going too fast for me even. I have to like slow my own role. Yeah. Oh. Even though it feels good, you want it to last longer. Yeah, yeah. I'll tease myself. What do you have?

You ever heard of edging dog? So what is the edging? That's like getting yourself to the precipice and then going down. It's sort of practice for lasting longer. I don't know if it's practice. It just feels good to perk off for a longer time. But isn't the orgasm feel the best? Yeah, but I mean, it feels especially good if you edge it.

If you tease yourself all the way to the brain. Like as close as possible, like a teetering over the edge and then go down. Kind of like squeezing a bottle of half filled bottle of water. We're both jerking off right now. All right. Edge it, dude. Have you ever, have you ever edged so hard you just a Hershey squirted a bit? You know when you like kick a Capri Sun and a single pump comes out?

I thought you meant like you shit a little bit. I need to come so bad that something's getting out of my body one direction or the other. You edged so hard you start crying and puking. You shit. Easy. All the liquid in my body needs to be expelled. Blood out of every single fucking pour. Explode.

Mercy. All right. Let's take a break and we'll be right back with a couple more questions. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful.

So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com if I were you.

Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial.

Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Holler. Hey, so some bad news. Oh, shit.

I yelled to Holler a little bit prematurely. Why'd you make me Holler? What's, what is it? Yeah. I'll always remember feeling like a fool as I got this bad news. Because I hollered. Friday, October. No, Thursday, October 1st.

We're going to be in Toronto for a live podcast. Boom. Our first ever podcast in Toronto. Our most popular Facebook city when we have more Facebook fans in Toronto than any other city. So we're expecting an insane show. Yeah, we don't party. Like it's my birthday. And it will be.

Actually, yeah, October 1st. Pretty cool. I legally changed it. I legally changed my age. I often, I've changed my birthday six times this year. You can change it up, but you can't go down. So I'm 41 now. Unfortunately.

And then we have a, it's called Jake and Amir and Friends on Friday, October 2nd. I don't know if we spent a lot of time talking about Jake and Amir and Friends. Right. That's going to be us doing more sketchy stand-up stuff and seeing other hilariously talented stand-up acts who are going to be part of the Toronto Just for Last Comedy Festival. So if you want to see us, but you were too late and the podcast sold out, you can still come see us on Friday night and we'll get to hang out. We'll get to tell some jokes.

We'll get to do some shit and I'll be blowing cocaine in the back in the green room. I will be. Cocaine is the PA that's helping us out. Yes. And she is quite a lovely lady. And she does have a penis, which is why I will be blowing her. So I think there are tickets, either individual tickets or festival passes still available on the Toronto Just for Last Comedy website.

It'll be a fun festival. Come out. Come on. There's funny people there. Pete Holmes will be there. TJ Miller will be there. Other funny people will be there, just like Montreal. But I would say a little bit colder.

It's later on in the season. And would you say Toronto is west or east of Montreal? I would say. You had to guess. Huh. I would guess. I think it's east. Yeah, I'll say east.

I don't even want to check because that's how sure we aren't. Yeah. So. Come. I mean, if you live in Toronto, you already know exactly where it is. Right. We also have a show at the Irvine Improv on October 14th, but you know, you guys probably already knew about that too.

What else? Do we have anything else to talk about before we fucking get into it? Um, not too much. Did we, have we talked about on this show how Keegan-Michael Key was on Black Men Can't Jump? Uh, I don't think so. Uh, well, that was a pretty exciting thing. Yeah, we haven't actually talked about head gum in a while.

Well, let's, let's just really quick mention, because I listened to this episode, I think two weeks ago. Toronto is west of Montreal. Is it? And I lost as all credibility as I'm plucking something else. Very far. This is a, wow, I was just, it seemed so correct. And it's so this, remember this moment next time you're sure of something.

I was so sure that Toronto is where Montreal is on this map and Montreal is where Toronto is. Like Montreal is above like Vermont, Eastern New York, and then Toronto is basically west of New York. The distance of New York is what separates those two cities, Toronto being further west. You don't think of it like that. You think of Toronto as the eastern most. You really do.

Yeah. And when I say you, I mean specifically you and I. Yes. Uh, sorry. Keegan-Michael Key. Anyway. Key and Peele was on Black Man Can't Jump, a podcast on the head gum network. Uh, three funny dudes discussing the roles of African-American in cinema.

And, uh, that class was sort of like a fucking graduate school lecture. Yeah. I mean, that was a, it was like poignant, funny. It was, I don't know. It was, it was touching and hilarious. Yeah. And also like it kind of makes you a little angry sometimes too. You know, they're like.

This, this podcast is candy. And if you're looking for a real meal, we highly suggest Black Man Can't Jump in Hollywood. Right. And then if you want even more dessert, Twin Innovation is also on Friday, which is, uh, our boys just riffing about dumb ass ideas they have. Yeah, it's funny that those two are Friday shows could not be more different. Right. Peele and Michael Key is talking about the role of the Black Man in Hollywood, Sydney

Portier, winning the first Oscar as an African-American dealing with real racism while this, uh, shoot is happening. Right. And then you click over to Twin Innovation and, uh, I don't know, Dave is talking about installing troughs out of bathroom so you don't have to go to the bathroom. The good thing on, oh wait, no, that Friday, what was his, oh, it was the belly butt off. Yeah. A plug for your belly button.

So there's that too. It's something for everybody. And hopefully it delights both of your senses because you do need to learn a little bit, but you also want to have a little bit of fun. You know, we're up to 16 podcasts on the Head Gum Network. That's really on point. The latest one being the fantasy football one that I'm currently in, one and oh, not a huge deal.

I did have a pretty bad week. Luckily I was playing the worst player in the league, so I won. Who's the worst? That's the beauty of fantasy football. As long as you get lucky, you can still win. Who did you beat? I beat Adam Lustig, Adam's championship team. But two of my players got injured in the middle of their games, which wasn't good.

Yes. All right. Let's get back to answering some real questions. I mean, otherwise, how are we supposed to help people, you know? All right. This one is written by a lady. Maybe we should give her my high school's name. That's a nice idea.

Milken? Yeah. Milken Community High School writes, I have a friend whose company I enjoy very much. About six months ago, I met her boyfriend and realized not long after that, I was starting to crush on him a little bit. I feel horrible, but I can't help it. I know the smart thing to do is just suppress those feelings, but it's difficult. And I started to feel extremely guilty.

I really love my friend and I would never want to hurt her. And the two of them make a really dope couple. I mean, they are really happy. Then I started thinking about them as a couple. And, well, I'll just cut to the chase here. Before I knew it, I realized that I really like my friend too. And I think I want to know them a little bit better, biblically speaking. That's right, fellas.

A menage à trois. And I am talking about P in VG and then adding a supplementary secondary VG. This thought has consumed me and every time we are together, I have the urge to act on it, mostly because part of me genuinely thinks they might be into it. Anyway, I know this is a crazy idea and I swear I'm not normally so bold or hedonistic. The last thing I want to do is ruin their relationship or my friendship with either of them. I know these kinds of relationships don't usually work without open consent and communication. At the same time, there are worse ways to spend a Saturday night, am I right?

We all three have chemistry together and it could be fun. They have joked around about polygamy before, so I don't know. Maybe it's not so crazy. I don't think I would be obsessing over it very much if I thought it was out of the realm of possibilities. So guys, how do I make this happen? Or should I just give up on my hopes and dreams and stick with normal boring sex? Thanks for the advice. Love, Milken.

Todah, Milken. It's funny because if this was a guy writing it about a guy and a girl, he would be delusional, crazy. We would laugh at him. It's like, yeah, you want to fuck another guy and a girl, your friend, you want to fuck this couple. No, they don't want to have sex with you, dude. But it is a girl thinking it. So you know at the very least the guy would be down. For sure one of the people in the relationship would be pumped about it.

God, it's so interesting. You hear about couples looking for a third, but you rarely hear about one girl being like, I'd be down to fuck this couple. How do I talk to them about it? Yeah, I wonder if there's some lovely world where this couple is talking about how they wish they could talk to her. Oh, yeah. You can't. How do you?

How can you? I think, well, you got to start with one of them. And I don't know if it's better to talk to the guy and convince the girl or talk to the girl and convince the guy. Because either one, you got to want to convince the girl. I feel like that's the hard one. Is it harder to do that if you've already talked to the guy or will she feel like she was stabbed in the back? Yeah. Or would it be better to talk to the girl one-on-one, convince her, and then it's like, oh, let's convince this guy, but the guy is down.

You don't need to convince. If you convince the girl, you can just surprise the guy. It'll happen. It'll be fun if she convinces the guy and they surprise the girl. We're fucking each other. For your birthday this year, we got you a menage. It will be a tois. It will be a pois.

It will be a la mode. Menage a pois. Just liquid peppercorn sauce. Peppercorn menage a tois. God, so salty and delicious. For your birthday, you deserve a menage. Is that another drink? I think it's Kanye.

What do you think? I think it seems like the way to do it is always through joking a little bit. If you're hanging out, drinking a little bit, you let the joking come back in. Then just say you're down or whatever. You just have to make that a joke. When you joke, you have to say it while you're standing up and walking away. They're all having dinner together at the table, drinking wine, and then it's like, joke, joke, joke.

Then this girl will stand up and take a plate and walk away. She's like, all I know is that I'd be down. You're walking away. They're like, what's going on? She's walking away with a plate. You need to walk away with a plate or a cup. Otherwise, it's just too in your face. You take a plate, you take a cup, you start walking away.

You say, I don't know. I'd fuck you guys. Then you have the plate. What is it? Yeah, you have a plate or a cup, and then you put it in the sink. Then that diffuses the awkward silence because you're just here and they can have this. They'll have a look. They'll share a moment, whether it's implicit or explicit.

Whether it comes with it. It's going to be implicit. It's going to be illicit. You got to hope to God he's not livid when he's thinking about the vivid. Just with bright details, the idea of fucking his girlfriend and his girlfriend's friend. I'm fucking... Hard thinking about it. Of course.

You are edging right now. I'm always edging. I thought this question was going to go a different way, which is having a crush on your friend's a significant other. It is still an issue. I always find it interesting if you meet a friend's significant other. Even if it's someone you'd be interested in, or maybe this is just for me, it just feels so off limits that I can never find myself to be romantically interested. It's almost like having a hot sibling.

My brain won't allow myself to go there. I think that I've been in both situations. It's easier when you're younger because I think your circles are smaller and you know less people. When someone new comes around, it's like, oh shit, how did my friend meet a girl? I want a girlfriend. This girl's perfect. And now when my friends bring girlfriends around, I'm like, I know how to meet people. I don't need them to introduce me to people.

Even if it's a specifically attractive person, I'm never just like, oh my god. Like as if she was somebody I met randomly. Yeah. Nobody's ever been... Well, that's not true. I've been attracted to my friends, girlfriends, but never to a point where it was like dangerous. You have a crush. Yeah.

It's almost like your mind won't allow yourself to go fully into it. Right. But this girl, it's too late for her. So how does she pull off this epic ordeal? First of all, I think she has an advantage because she is a lady. Right. It's not a guy asking another guy and a girl. You got to enter with the joke.

It can't be serious. And then I think once you've said the joke or embraced their version of the joke, I think if they really want it, they'll harp on the joke. And then you say something like, wow, you guys keep on joking about it. I think you really want to do it. Yeah. And then let them... Just feed them. Feed the fan this fire.

A little spark at first just to get it going. And then if it dies out instantly, then so it goes. And it might in front of you. They might have a discussion later about it. So don't think that it'll all happen at that moment. I do think it should be discussed in a little tipsy. It's hard to get into that kind of shit when your bones sober up like a Chipotle at 2 p.m. Right, right.

I'm imagining like a dinner at home, home-cooked meal. I think you got to stop imagining the dinner. It's not sexy. But there has to be wine involved. If they make a pot roast. Yeah. She just has broccoli in her teeth. And she's like, I know, I'd be down.

I think if you're full and your breath smells like meat. That's not hot. In my brain, it has to come after a meal during a dessert. Everyone sort of shrunk off wine. Everybody's belts are undone. Yeah, you're feeling satiated. Yeah, you have a mead. You're full of pork fat.

I think you have a light dinner at home on your own. And you come over for a game night. You bring wine. You bring mixer. Drinking game. Yeah. It's just alcohol. Maybe like nobody, I don't think anybody wants to be full and then have a threesome.

Well, it's not going to happen that night. I was just, this is when the inception would happen. I see. And it shouldn't happen because game night is like more people. I think it needs to be more of an intimate setting. Right. But it's weird to have just drinks. Oh, what if you have, you should get a date and let's do a double date game night.

And then they come over and you're like, I'm sorry, my date bailed. And then you just like play some music. Yeah, and let's have thick mashed potatoes. And I made gravy. Stop with the enormous dinner. I'm just, I think I'm just hungry is all. And I think it needs to be, like you said, a stew, something in a crock pot. Potatoes all crotchied for everyone.

Who wants some wet beef Wellington? It needs to be a wet meat. Otherwise, how can he start thinking about boning to the other side? A beef stew and a beat pot pie. Just it needs to be so dark borderline black and ale pie really. But yeah, I think we're both on the same page. It needs to be a little drunk. He needs to be a little tipsy.

You need to start a joke about it. He needs to be a goof to a real deal. Yeah. You joke about it unless you go and do it. It's getting hot in here. You know what that song's about? No, it's it. It's like when it's really hot, he wants a girl to take her clothes off.

That's how he goes. So take off all your clothes. And I think it's actually working because the temperature is hot. Because the girl, if you remember the refrain, it goes, I am getting so hot, I want to take my clothes off. So that means she's getting naked for him. Oh, whoa. Yeah.

The whole song, which I don't even know what I thought it was about before this. Right. It's actually about getting a girl to take her clothes off. It's clearly a metaphor for having sex. For someplace being warm and then wanting to be needed. To nude somebody of themselves. To nude them of their clothing. And then he says,

There's a jake in a mirror where I pants you and you go, you've nuded me. You've nuded me. It was, I know which one it is. It was the Amanda Bynes one. You say all fairs and shove and floor. And you push, you, you pants me and shoving to the floor. I said, you've nuded me.

And then you said, I just got an email back from Taylor Damon. That means she's with Matt Damon. Oh, that was the origin of the Matt Damon. Wow. Our videos were good, man. Man, we were on top of the world. I know. We're doing different shit now.

It's fine. We're busy in a different way. I think it's nice to, all good things must come to an end. You have to evolve comedically professionally. What did we do, Blumenfeld? I mean, we have this podcast. We hopefully have a TV show soon. What the fuck did we do, man?

We had it all. I know. And I think we, we gave it all. And I think it's all right that it ended after eight years. If anything, we lasted a little bit too long. We have to go back. No, no. I think that's a desperate, weak attempt to crawl back.

Cristals are a time machine or something. Oh, you want to go back in time. You don't want to start making videos now. No way. I ran out of ideas in 2011. Didn't you hear the shoving floor line? That was an inspired. All right.

There we go. There we have it. That's our advice. It's our time. Thank you for writing in. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, everything. Facebook thumbnail submissions. Every time we post our podcast to Facebook, we use an original artwork made by our talented

fans. You show at jmail.com. The opening theme song once again was from Goo Goo in South Africa. This closing one is by Lil Dirty Boy and Young Drusifer. So that's at the very least their creative sounding names. I think Lil Dirty Boy and Young Drusifer. Yeah. Young Drusifer.

That's fucking dope. Yeah. Enjoy that. Once again, more podcasts every day at headgum.com, including ours and all of our friends and family. Check those out if you still have more commutes to fill up your week. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Goodbye. You alright, man? Oh, shit. Oh, man. Matt Damon. Matt. Yeah. Matt.

Matt. Yeah, Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon.

Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon And Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon.

Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon.