If I Were You - 177: Cocaine (Live From Toronto!)

Episode Date: October 5, 2015

In this episode we discuss drugs, fantasies, and the perfect man -- live from Just For Laughs comedy fest in Toronto!This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, MeUndies, and NatureBox!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I got a really big team, and they need some really big brains. They need some really big space. Toda, Toda. Wow. Toronto. Not bad. You have a sign that says, Greenlight Jake's mom. I feel like I should have a problem with that, but you're so goddamn handsome. You thought of it? You can fuck my mom too.

Anything's an improvement on my father. He is a potato man. He's a knapsack human. He's a sour patch kid. That's what my dad is. He's a garbage pail kid. He's a, he's a Pringle. That's enough. You're talking about my father. He is not. And his dick is a cheese doodle.

That is fair, because that's true. Toronto, how's it going? All right. Very exciting. This is our first podcast in Canada. Ever? No, that's not true. What the fuck? We went to Montreal. They don't know that. You're pandering. This is our second podcast in Canada ever. It's still worthy of an applause.

Was anybody at the Montreal show? You were there? Leave. We're going to do the exact same thing. What'd you say? You came to Austin and Montreal and Toronto. You like Jake more than I do. Well, you hate me. Yeah. Holy shit. Were you just coincidentally in all three of those areas at the same time?

Don't flatter yourself. Was I coincidence or are you following me around? I don't know. Do you really think I should green light Jake's mom or is that just a joke? Who came here for tonight from far, far away? Aside from this girl from Austin, apparently. Did anybody travel? You raising your hand in the cool ass baseball shirt. Where'd you come from, boss? Three hours away.

I believe you. He said three hours away so confidently. What motor transportation? We're not talking about time. We're talking about distance traveled. Dumbass. Everything's quantifiable. I also gave her three hours away. Los Angeles. Sorry.

Geez, he paid money to see you. Right. No, that's true. I apologize. But what's three hours away? Oh, shit. Jamaica Mon. Yeah, Mon. Let's just smoke it out. I was...

I wasn't racist. I was just heading towards there, so I... You stopped yourself and that's... I took one step and turned around. Did anybody else come from far away? This isn't an auction. Five, four hours, three, five, five. Who came but five hours away? Six, six hours away. Sold. To the person who came from six hours away.

What's four hours away? Ottawa. Good man. It's huge Senators fan myself, so... Guys, no. Stop. I don't know about you guys, but I hate the Senators. And I...

And I love... I love the... The Blue Jays. Yeah. Da, da, da, da, da. Hiya. Favorite Blue Jays of all time. I love them all.

Name one, baby. Favorite Blue Jays. Here we go. Drake. Who? I'll just name famous Canadians. Guys, we're from America. We don't give a shit about hockey. We don't give a shit about hockey.

I don't care about the Senators. I barely even know the Senators. I even know American Senators, and I live there. So who here has never heard our podcast before? Never heard of it. Oh, some people. Some people haven't heard it, but are still excited enough to applaud. Very small subsection.

Who dragged you here, people that clapped? Significant others. You don't know our podcast, and you're sitting in the goddamn front row? You don't? Who doesn't? She tricked you. What did you like? Dangle a carrot in front of you until you're in your seat?

What? I didn't say anything. I mean, who likes carrots that much? I'll go anywhere a carrot is. You obviously don't know about rabbits. Fair, fair, fair, fair. So should we get, I don't know, do you want to get started? Yeah.

This is basically, what we do is an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You, and it's actually the only advice podcast on the whole internet hosted by me and Jake. We get real emails from real people who are in difficult places in their lives, in sticky situations really, and they're seeking our guidance for whatever reason. So we do our best to answer those questions on the show. Sometimes it's me and Jake, naked, alone, afraid. In the comfort of our own public library. We're terrified nude in public, but it is comfortable.

Yes. It is a public library. The terrifying comfort of our public library. We're illegally nude. We're getting escorted by a librarian-ness. And sometimes it's in front of 400 of our favorite Canadian friends. So these are real emails from real people. I'm going to give them a fake name to preserve their anonymity.

I just need a fake- I heard- I heard- Wow. Quiet! This girl is losing her fucking mind. I heard a Crandis. Crandis, you followed me.

If you saw Crandis in Austin, you saw Crandis in Montreal. Crandis does not leave our side. Let's give it up for Crandis. This one comes from Crandis. Crandis writes, I just got back to my place in NYC after an unsuccessful bar crawl night out with some quote-unquote friends. I took a cab ride back home.

When I saw a strip club, I told the cabbie to stop. I walked back to the club, took some money out of the ATM and went in. Because I was drunk and horny, I agreed to go with the first girl I saw. Next thing I know, I handed the bouncer my credit card and ID, and I am groping, grinding and doing coke with two blonde Russians. So far, what's the problem? Nice, dude. Yeah!

He was killed later that night. How do you write the email? Just joking, alright. The bouncer, who was very nice, came back and said my card wasn't going through, so I pretended to call the credit card company and whatever, but instead slipped away, got a lap dance and left ASAP. This was my first time ever experimenting with any sort of drug. I had never done weed.

I only have drinking. As I'm writing this, I am still coked up. Now drinking makes sense. And feeling energized and anxious. I have no idea what to do or how to feel. I thought my credit card really didn't work, or else that will be an awkward convo with my mom and dad since they are cosigners. Love, Crandis.

I still, I genuinely don't know what the problem is. It sounds like he doesn't know how to feel. How do I feel now? The cocaine's doing that for you. You don't have to figure out how, that's what drugs are. The drugs making him feel, what do you say, jacked up and anxious? Yeah, he's scared. Well, Coke doesn't make you feel scared, but sure.

It is funny to ask, how do I feel like he can control it? But he's never done drugs, he had never done weed. And he went straight to cocaine. Zero to 100. You really understand lots of podcast references. So, what should he do and how should he feel? Audari's still coked up. It really sounds like he got away with murder.

Like, did he describe the bouncer as friendly? Yeah. Which is, you know, no, if you gave the bouncer your credit card, that's always a bad decision. You think the bouncer bought the fake conversation he had with the credit card company? Yeah, because I feel like that happens to the bouncer all the time. So, you think he's actually calling the credit card company? The bouncer's like back there trying to run a card for like $300. Yeah.

And a credit card company is going to be like, no, let's, we want to talk to the guy who, whatever. Right. And then, I mean, this is like a fucking great ski. This dude just went in and got free cocaine and lap dances. I really don't understand the problem. Is this happening at strip clubs? You go into a back room and they give you drugs? Yeah.

One time, I mean, this exact same thing happened to me except the reverse. I paid $300 and I didn't get the cocaine. So, so when you say the exact same thing, you mean the opposite of this thing? Yeah, sorry. The exact same thing happened to me. It's not the exact opposite, though. It's a mirror image. The exact opposite is like visiting your grandmother.

Yeah, of course. And doing cocaine off her ass. Grandfather swiping the card. Between her butt cheeks. I'm sorry, everybody. Just think about your grandparents fucking for two seconds, though. They had to. I know.

They had to have. Someone would like they liked it. Yeah. That is your grandfather. Yeah. He's like that shit for a minute. Hashtag greenlightjigsmom. On the other side of greenlightjigsmom.

Yeah, greenlightmydaughter. The deafening silence is a standing. Have you ever done cocaine? I resent the accusation. I'd like to know if you've ever done cocaine. I'd like to see how honest you are in front of these folks. No, it scares me to snort. Smoke and to a lesser extent drink.

I am fearful of things. I'm down to take a pill because I can convince my brain for just a split second. Just a split second that it's acid. Yeah. A vitamin pill. And then later I feel a little different. But I don't think I will ever straight up, like put, even if it was a placebo, even if it was flour. Right.

Which God willing, one day it will be whole wheat flour. I would never. To the face. It feels like it would burn my eyes. Yeah. And this is why I shouldn't do drugs. This is you talking to a drug dealer. I'm just worried that it will burn my eyes.

My sinus is anyway. My Sinai. I do tend to have narrow passage. Are you a doctor? He's checking you for a wire. We helped this guy as much as we can. Let's give it up for Crandis yet again. All right.

We need a lady's name. Drizzy. Drizzy. Drizzy. Drizzy. Someone also said a mirror. That's not a girl's name, bro. Come at me unless you weigh more than 145.

Then odds are I can't take you. Actually, even if you are kind of skinny, I'm feeling weak tonight. Jesus. I had some poutine earlier and it's not sitting right with me. You did have diarrhea backstage. What did he say? I don't know. Oh, Jacqueline.

Oh, the pill is just still yelling names. Jacqueline. Yeah, I like Jacqueline, sure. This story, we still said Drizzy. It still happened. We had a moment. He loves it. Get out of here, dude.

Dude, get out. Oh, he's got a huge hashtag. Greenlight Jake's mom guy. Of course he loves it. I'd love to introduce you to my mother. That guy's actually pretty buff. I know. That's what I'm saying.

I wish I had his sperm in me. All right. We were recording, right? It's not entirely what I meant, but I'm not going to back away from it now. You guys misunderstood. Jake wants that guy to fuck him. All right. This one really paints a story.

So if you want, you can close your eyes and follow us on this magical journey that Jacqueline weaves. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year and a half. However, the first six months, after the first six months, I ended up transferring to the University of Oklahoma and he to USC. Since then, we have treasured our breaks as times that we could hang out. I know you've both expressed a strong revulsion to the idea of long-distance relationships, but I feel, given the circumstances, you may reconsider. He is a genius and I am not exaggerating.

For example, he is comfortably majoring in business, pre-med and pre-law. He's also adept in music, art, and athletics. He does a charity work. He greatly satiates my needs in bed. And most significantly, he started his own company right after he turned 18. His company is so successful that he's doing pre-med and pre-law just because he has nothing better to do with his life and needs to keep busy so he won't be bored. In essence, I have met the most amazing person in the world.

It's you. It is above average, my friend. Thus, we arrive at the many problems that have emerged this summer. Apparently, he applied to transfer to Harvard and got in, but didn't bother to tell me until we first met up this summer. At first, it was really great news, but then he explained to me that he was not 100% sure he wanted to move. To help him decide, he is taking an intercession course at Harvard over the summer, which pisses me off. Our breaks are the only time you get to see each other, and during my spring break,

he went to Jordan with a medical team and helped refugees of Syria. Syria, Afghanistan, and ISIS. I got mad at the time, so he promised me to take me to as many concerts as I'd like during summer break. Last year, he also promised that we would go to an anime expo this summer. This resulted in a massive confrontation that ended with me storming off the night before his flight. Am I the bad guy here? On one hand, he broke a promise, but on the other, he broke it for what he believes is an important reason. Also, a few weeks ago, I called him for the first time since our fight, and he said that he felt bad for letting me down,

so he bought me a plane ticket, and we got to hang out for a week and a half. I would have stayed for longer, but I needed to come home for a six-week internship. The night before I left, we had a discussion about our relationship, and I mostly complained about how I thought he didn't take us seriously enough, and he didn't really want to be there. He kept reassuring me that he really did care, but he kept explaining that his actions say otherwise. With this in mind, we finally got to the point where he said, if you don't believe in my commitment, I can get you a ring.

It doesn't have to be right now, but you should think about it. What would you do if you were me? I want to be a specialized doctor, but the main thing holding me back is my fear of stacking up too much student debt. The financial security of bearing him is a really nice thought, and it would make me feel more comfortable investing in such an expensive education to be with him. He's also the greatest guy I've ever met, and outside of the problems of doing long distance, we have a ton of chemistry. Would you be willing to have a long distance relationship for a few years for someone this special?

Thanks, love, Jacqueline. This girl sucks. This girl sucks. This girl sucks. This girl sucks. I'm glad no one's chanting with you. But Jacqueline, if you are listening at home, they're chanting, this girl sucks. I mean, this guy should break up with you. What a roller coaster she took us on. She's dating the most amazing man in the world. He's adept at music, art, and athletics.

She's describing a high school student from the 1930s. Some sort of crazy Decathlon guy. He wears a unitar and has a mustache. He's a boxer from the 20s. And he also knows brain surgery. And the weird thing is that she said things that he believes are important, and one of those is helping refugees from ISIS. That's just sort of from Syria and Afghanistan, but also ISIS.

That's sort of belittling something that's actually important. Did you also notice, like, I would have stayed for longer, but I had an internship. Oh, so you have an internship. So the street does go both ways. So you're too busy for him, but he's not allowed to be busy for you, even though he's saving people who were victims of a genocide. And I love the idea of the romantic notion of proposing at the end of a fight to quiet somebody who's sort of upset at you.

How did he do it? They're going to get, like, why'd you guys get married? Because he didn't take me to an animated convention. He saved people in Jordan and satiated me by promising me that I'd go to any concert I wanted. I called his bluff and chose one in Australia, but he was busy saving people in... I guess ISIS is a country now. I guess they won because he wasn't there. What is the question? What would you do if you were her?

I feel like I would feel bad. Yeah, wait, what is she asking? She said, should I not marry the most amazing guy I've ever met and get the financial stability because what? Because he's too busy? Because he's too busy saving the world? Does Lois Lane not want to be with Superman? Yeah, because he's too busy...

You're always flying somewhere. Yeah. What about me? Yeah, like this other guy, Charles, he plays video games and he's just around most of the time. So that's nice for me. What you like about him is what's causing him to be so far away from you. You can't take the good and not expect the bad. That's beautiful.

Actually... Would you... Would you sing it? I don't know, I mean, I'm not very... I just want to hear... You can't take the good, not expect the bad. Never mind, never mind. You can't take the good, not expect the bad.

You can't have my mom, not expect my dad. It's cool that we said the same thing, but it makes no sense. No. You can't have my mom expect my dad. It's like we mispronounced except. You can't have my mom expect my dad. You should expect my dad to come in here and talk to you about green-lighting my mom.

Another funny part of this question is when she says, I know you've both expressed a strong revulsion to the idea of long-distance relationship, but I feel like given the circumstances you make reconsider, then describes a perfect relationship that was ruined by the fact that they were long-distance. If anything... If anything, it only strengthens my affirmation to know, to believe, to have in my heart that long-distance relationships truly are difficult. They are doomed from the start.

Unless they have an endpoint where I don't know if these people... Is anyone in here currently in a long-distance relationship? Yeah. Is your other half here? No. Exactly. You're single? I know.

Because we're fucking tonight! Two backwards hats, dudes. Two Jake and Amir shirts. I love it! Bros, we gotta chill after this. We're all in our 20s. You're almost 33. Enough, dude.

We're all 24 tonight, am I right? It's really fucked up, actually. Your dating is 16-year-old. Chill. Jesus. God, don't support that joke. So here's basically the advice. What you like about this person is what's causing you so much heartache.

I feel like you either suck it up and don't force them to do stuff for you. For example, marry you. That's a big one, I would say. Yeah, I mean, she shouldn't even consider the proposal. It was born out of an argument. It's a pity proposal. And then when it happens, she's like, I'll think about it. What if someone wears you down to the point where you're like, fine, I'll marry you.

Give me a couple days. Fuck you! I have war victims! Ever heard of ISIS? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. If you can be with this guy, take him. Because he sounds great.

But you can't ever be mad at him. I think he's earned that right. He took her to every concert. Do you realize how much that would cost? Well, not the anime convention. I have to draw the line somewhere. And it's in between Iraq and Afghanistan. Can we talk about it?

She's talking to him, he's like sewing up a war vet from Syria. So basically, enjoy him while you can. I'm sorry that it's long distance. However, listen, babe, if you really think he's amazing, have at it. But don't be mad at him ever. Have at it, don't be mad at it, would you say? Have at it. Don't be mad at it.

It took your mom a nine months to get at it. Let's move on. Oh, here's a shorter question. Let's say Sarah writes it. Is it bad to think about my ex-girlfriend while I masturbate? Gonna hit a couple answers from the audience leaning towards the no. I would tend to agree. Well, what do girls do the same thing?

Wait, girls masturbate? Hot. Wait, you would say you do masturbate thinking about your ex-girlfriends? Uh, almost exclusively, yeah. Really? Yeah. Why? You've already done it.

It's like me dreaming about bowling. I can fly. It's an interesting thought you bring up, but it's easier to tap into something to like a movie you've already seen. So your fantasy is sleeping with someone you broke up with because you didn't want to sleep with them anymore. It's weird how the mind works. But I miss everybody I used to fuck.

And I miss everybody I haven't fucked yet. I can have both. Or not have both, but think about both. And fantasize about them. In a pie chart of your fantasy, how many times is it someone that you've seen been with before? And how many is it just a girl that you've made up? It's never a girl I've made up. Of course.

Do you have a girl in your mind that like doesn't... I have a scarecrow back there. Her face is made out of ones and zeros. Her mouth is a can of beans. You have a mannequin with a fleshlight duct tape to her crotch. Scotch taped. It doesn't have to be secure. You're insecure.

Don't know what for. Because we're making up on the spot, I swear to God. One direction doesn't exist up here, does it? Anyway. You do you masturbate thinking about ex-girlfriends? A lot. Am I in a safe place? Yeah. Well, no, wait.

Oh, jeez, what I'm gonna say is so fucked up. I masturbate to porn and then during actual sex I think about ex-girlfriends. But look, none of my girlfriends should be offended because one day they'll be my ex. And I'll think about fantasizing about... Yeah. Baby, I'm always two steps ahead. You knew I was a chess player in Afghanistan when you hooked up with me? I played a guy in ISIS.

I beat him. He didn't get the rules is why. So I would say it is unhealthy. It's bad to think about ex-lobbers. Ow, lecture much. Sorry, why don't you stand on your stool? My soapbox. This masturbating is time where you can think about anything.

You shouldn't... You shouldn't confine yourselves to the realms of reality. Which is why you're often thinking about social quagmires as you come. Yeah. I'm thinking about ways to solve an energy crisis. Yeah. Global warming. Ow!

I think I have it. We can plug up the holes in the ozone layer with... It's just sticky enough to work. Put me in a goddamn rocket. The bench. How do you jerk off with these? You snip your cock. That's a good question.

When you watch porn, are you just imagining you're fucking the girl in the porn? Or does that just get you to a place where you close your eyes and think of somebody else? I don't think I've ever closed my eyes when I was having an orgasm. They are open to the daytime sun. I don't even blink, even when I'm with a girl. It's fucking clockwork orange. I don't want to miss a thing. I love that.

That song's about not blinking. Oh my god, I just got it during Armageddon though. That's such a fucking dope movie. You ever come thinking about Ben Affleck, fucking Bruce Willis? Why? From the front. That's the only way they would fuck. How did we get here, Toronto?

The girl who's never seen our podcast before is like, no, I got it. It's Armageddon fanfic. I'm on board. We're about at our halfway point, so let's take a break. She's Louise. It's a stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist,

especially one in your area, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful, therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years, so give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life.

I've tried therapy, it's been very helpful, so you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable.

That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you. Free trial.

Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Hey, let's give it up for that story. And now we do a live me undies reading. Guys, we have some more time.

Do you want to see some more questions perhaps? Oops. I like this one. I like this one. You like, all right. I like them both. Sure. Here we go.

Why don't you read them? No good. Why don't you read them, asshole? I'm a little tipsy, but I could probably do it. You should drop my phone. Right into the whiskey. All right. Here we go.

Isn't this one right here on the top? Yeah, we need a lady, a lady name. Jizzabelle. Mind if I'm making a... Oh, wait. No, we're going to do both. Yeah, yeah, we got it. We got it.

Jizzabelle. Jizzabelle? God, that is the highlight of your life. This comes from jizzabelle. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and are quite sexually active. Nice. That's the question. It's a statement.

Last Saturday, we both got shitfaced drunk at a party to the point where we found ourselves so horny that we left early to seek the privacy of his bed. We had anal sex for the first time, which was incredibly exciting as we had never been very verbal about wanting to try it, but we both secretly did. It was amazing. And of course, the alcohol helped. Yeah, get liquored up, baby. Because this is us later.

We've never said it. We've just both secretly wanted it. Fair enough. About 20 minutes in, he is on top of me and suddenly asks me to stick a finger up his glory hole. Oh. He had never requested anything like that and we had never discussed it before, but I was not turned off by the idea and did as he told me.

I spent a while back there playing around until he came. He seemed to enjoy it all very much and even told me how good it felt. Fast forward. That's when you're done. You're slut-shaming the guy. I'm mansplaining and slut-shaming at the same damn time. Fast forward to the next morning where we both were hungover and slightly embarrassed by the last night's happenings and didn't discuss it much.

Only that we both wanted to try it again. Don't yell at somebody for coffee. A few days later, we have sex again and since that fateful night had been on my mind ever since, especially the said penetration experience, I decided to be adventurous and inch my finger toward his man cave during missionary. I am barely touching his hole when he stops me mid-thrust and stares at me bewildered and asks what I think I'm doing. I ask him if I'm allowed to do that and he replies that he doesn't know.

Let me consult somebody. And he continues with the sex. We never talked about it again and he has been more than awkward between us ever since. What should I do? By now the idea of fingering his asshole turns me on more than anything else. And I'm afraid it will never come up again. After a year of the same dick, it was something new and exciting and I want to try it again. I didn't mean to scare him away.

I thought it was what he wanted. Was it just a drunk desire or is he embarrassed? What's going on in his head? He's very secure about his sexuality so I doubt he has a gay anxiety. Do you have any experience in this field? Please help. I am desperate. Love.

It's a bill. It is a gay anxiety. It's a gay anxiety is what I call it. God damn you dude. What fingering a butt turns her on more than anything else? I get that. Not getting your butt fingered but just fingering a butt? I like it.

I like to do it. I understand why you fingering a butt. Me personally? Because I know what the fuck I'm doing boss. Oh. Actually. Rectal examination. How does that feel good for her finger?

What does that do for her finger? Why is that a good thing for her? I don't necessarily know but if it feels good for her or she likes it, it feels good. I mean who here has fingered a butt before? It's what? It's mental? It's what?

Oh. It's like psychological. Not mental like she's crazy. No it's mental like it's dope man. So she's just like making him come by doing that. It's like a Pavlovian response. She stuck her finger in his butthole. He exploded out of his pee-pee.

Thus the butthole made pee-pee. The butthole didn't make pee-pee, it made cum-cum. So the butthole made cum-cum. The girl said butthole good. And now he's saying butthole no. I don't know what do you think person who's never seen our podcast before? I don't, I shouldn't. It's just that I haven't and I'm with my aunt and...

So okay let's say this guy's been eating vegetables his whole life and his parents give him cotton candy one night and then they take that away from him. And he's like whoa what happened to the colorful sweet stuff? And they're like no no no, celery from now on. And then she's like wait but I wanted it. I wanted the colorful sweet stuff. It's the first time ever.

Can I have it? I don't know. I think that's the interesting thing, right? If we're like Sherlock Holmes, that's the clue. Yeah. That like it happened and he was like what are you doing? And then she's like can I do that? And he said you didn't say no.

You said you can't say no. Maybe. You can't say no. He's like wondering in his head like did I when I was drunk tell her my fantasy and now it's happening? Yeah when you're drunk truth comes out. Not made up stuff you don't want. Sometimes I lie all the time but sometimes I lie when I'm drunk too.

But it's not like I feel like alcohol removes the pretense and then the truth shines through. This is like a really bad parent. Explain it. It's an awful PSA for alcohol. If you're 18 just know that alcohol makes the truth shine. That's why they call it moonshine. Oh that's nice.

Because moon is your soul. Of course. And it shines. You guys saw the super moon. That wasn't just an American thing. All right good. Do you think he really wants it? Do you think it's worth a conversation?

I think it doesn't matter. Well if she wants it. Oh that's a good call. Get him drunk again. Take advantage of your boyfriend. Liquor him up and slide it in. You like this motherfucker and then pull him towards you. You guys ever play mortal combat?

Come here. Get over here. He's the Harlem Globe Trotter. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo Oh Is it a drunk desire or is he embarrassed or what's going on in his head? his head you think it's a drunk desire he wants it I fucking love that maybe

he does want it he asked for it they happened and he liked it I know you want it all right well that's a little rape you actually it's a blurred line is all I'm saying I guess like it's good that it's happening with a boyfriend it's something that you keep on exploring get drunk again I really like that answer actually get drunk again that's the answer to all of our questions so so far on the podcast we've advised people to do cocaine and get drunk and figure each other's assholes I love you mom I hate you dad we have time for one last question one last question one last name but first

Toronto have you guys had fun thank God because otherwise the flight wouldn't have been worth it except to see Terminator Genesis twice in a row you were jerking off the entire yeah you guys got to get these fake arms that they give you for flights so that you can crank it while it's seemingly like they're on your lap I can only afford the Asian ones so it was confusing to most to all specifically oh wow another girl's name this has been sort of a ladies night episode what Trump Tower Trump Tower Trump Tower so you're that's your adamant about that's what your that's your cause this guy's fucking

sewing up people in Afghanistan and your shit is yelling Trump Tower I respect that to be fair you caused him to be here instead of in Afghanistan helping people Trump Tower right I'm 21 years old and I'm from Hawaii so I've been with my BF for four years he's perfect sex is amazing here's the issue he's quite older than me even older than Amir imagine that is anybody here older than me and anybody here older than 32 shit what the fuck I was 32 I'm 19 at 32 people get shit done you can be a doctor at my age you could have one yeah many many Super Bowls sure French open

championship I'm sure Joe Wilfrey Tsonga has achieved more in his life than I ever will he's never won a championship whatever here's the issue one Joe Wilfrey's why are you thinking on song dude's a fucking pimp you know it joke man he's quite older than me even older than Amir whatever that means and along sure that he was born before 1982 whatever that means 83 bro and sorry here alright and we're out of time thank you guys so much here's the issue is quite older than me and that along with him being cheated on in every relationship he's really paranoid which I tried to keep in mind a few months ago my boyfriend saw dirt in

the bathtub and thought it was come but the day he saw it we didn't have sex he still brings it up to me today and we almost broke up because he said he couldn't trust me what should I do he said it's impossible to trust me and that I'm getting really sick of his paranoid bullshit but I don't want to be the one to break up with him help love I guess Trump Tower so she should break up with him right I don't know why she blames the age thing if anything you get less jealous with age like jealousy seems to be a young man also something like it sort of feels like this an old-school like archaic thing like one woman for

every one man yeah that shouldn't be necessarily how you're just talking about monochrome in general talking about polyamory in general that aside right why did he see dirt and think it was come I think she's not smart what is this brown film and why is it in the tub you're jizzing someone off I know it how can I check there's jizz on your shoe it's I was on a hike earlier on jizz mountain with all the brown powder jizz sorry baby there's um there's all these dishes in this sink and they're covered in jizz who are you fucking in our kitchen why does your boyfriend come mud it doesn't add up he's jizzing chocolate

milk I don't know what he's thinking he doesn't trust me which means this comes more tastier than mine so I'm very jealous there's I mean if somebody's like it's impossible for me to trust you I feel like the coolest thing you could say is like shit I don't want to be in a relationship without trust see you later and he's like wait I think I can do it if you convinced me it wasn't come what color has come just blind guy holding a dog he sniffed it didn't you boy it's actually a radish he's holding a radish what a mean prank to play on a blind man I was just licking the bottom of her shower yeah oh yeah that's semen that is

absolutely semen I have synesthesia so I can taste color and this one is definitely brown oh I'm jizzing again out of my ass this guy's dumb this guy is silly this guy is stupid he doesn't trust you why would you want to be with someone that doesn't trust you if someone doesn't trust you he doesn't get to break up with you you break up with him you say okay fine like she doesn't want to be the first person that breaks up with him she doesn't want to be the bad person so what she's just gonna stay in this that's what I don't like you can break up with the bad person the bad guys in the one that breaks up the bad

guys the it is the one that does the bad thing that results in the break up yeah and then when he gets dumped he's like what did I do wrong hopefully and then he changes his action going forward yeah in the exit interview what did I do wrong oh you thought dirt was jizz and you got mad at me people go in the shower because they have dirt on them generally it doesn't necessarily have to become sometimes it is but this time it wasn't and you saw residue on the shower you thought it was semen so I do not mistake to you and yours could you see come if it were come could I see come could I see come could I be come whoa

could you be come could you see come three come I don't know if I I don't hey come on I don't you guys it's flattering but I I just all day every day every night you and me jizz that's me that's right jizz together I almost drift on the mic but I did not crop myself I'll catch you come in my mouth yo you my dude let's go south you go down on me I'll go down on wow you shouldn't have dropped out I am a six-god Toronto did you have fun tonight then that's all that matters for more of our podcast please check out at 5re

show.com or you know we're actually performing not necessarily doing a podcast we're doing more performances at just for laughs let's get it up for the just for laughs comedy festival we'll be doing shows on Friday and Saturday is that correct awesome hopefully we'll see you there if not I hope you enjoyed your time tonight good night everybody all right now it's queer space sad you guys we don't have time for that let's play the music good night thank you guys so much that was a headgam