If I Were You - 18: Snapchat

Episode Date: September 2, 2013

In this episode we discuss STDs, drinking tolerance, and the infamous "friend-zone."This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace.com -- the easiest way to make a website/portfolio/online store. Use coupon code "Amir" for 20% off in September!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Sometimes your life doesn't go the way you play A fork stuck in the road has left you in a jam Write down your problems and explain what just went wrong Email it to if I were you, show it, gmail.com And if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show Awesome. Damn. That was dope. He cut, you did a callback to the first terrible one that you did. What do you mean? But he made it better.

Well, I mean, I wrote the original music. Yeah, if anything, we elevated each other because I gave him I gave him the the blueprint and he brought it to life a little bit. But you built the house. Yeah. Yeah. But with the house exists without the without the blueprint. You said build a house and he just made it from scratch. And I drew 5050 thing.

I said, make a house. Did you record the intro? Did you ever record an intro? Jesus. Dick. Thanks. Oh, my God. Let's tell you what, man. You sing an intro right now. All right. One, two, three, go.

Hey, if I were you, I would tell you that I would do that you today. And it's all right. Shit, that was actually really good. Welcome to a fire you show or welcome to a fire you. Yeah, welcome to a fire you. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir and I'm Jake and yeah, thank you. Do you remember his name, Jordan?

Yes, it was Jordan. No, no, it was Jordan F something. Jordan. Well, we'll find it. Should I look? Yeah, you should look. We have all I'll kill time. Floyd.

Jordan, Floyd, Floyd, Floyd, Floyd. Cool name for a cool singer. Very cool. Yeah, we get theme songs submitted to us to our email. If I were you show at gmail.com, keep them coming. That one was one of my favorites. But you know what, there's a lot of favorites in your brains right now just waiting to come out and be recorded.

So thanks, guys, for submitting. How does this work? How does this podcast work? Well, for starters, it works usually by you explaining how it works. So I don't know why you're putting me on the spot right now. We find people in sticky situations in their own conundrums.

Seems not so easy. No, it's really all. I'll try again. I can't write theme songs and you can't introduce the show. That's why this partnership works. It's I or You Today theme. All right, so the theme of the show is we help you out of your sticky situations.

You email us in with your problems and we are going to try to give you advice. Whether or not it's good, we're not sure. But we're going to definitely try to make it funny. Or at the very least, insult you and shame you publicly. So how do people write into the show? They email us, which is if I were you show at gmail.com. And I resent the quiz that you're putting on me right now.

I really don't think it's fair. Objection leading. But I'm leading you towards good answers. Leading the witness. Me towards the path that you, my lawyer, want to take me to. Leading me. You're leading me. Can you say objection as a witness?

I don't think so. Or can only lawyers object? Only lawyers can object, I think. I object to that. I think anyone should object. Yeah. In fact, I object. Sure, and that means nothing coming from you.

Sitting in a towel cavern in your apartment. Eating a sandwich, watching this trial. How did you even get in here, sir? Just watching Judge Judy. Objecting from home. So yeah, should we just throw ourselves into this business? Yeah, let's hurl ourselves into it. We try to keep it to half an hour or less.

Recently, we've been going over, hey, no one's complaining. Except for, yeah, we got a lot of people saying, a little too much. We're trying to keep it to 30 minutes this time. All right, here we go. Question number one. Oh, we give these emails a fake name. You know, we try to keep these people anonymous as possible.

So we give these real emails fictional names. To preserve your anonymity. Oh, nailed it. That's right. What fake name should we give this person? We didn't really discuss a theme for today's episode. Yeah, and therefore. Hey, I got one.

I got one. Ned Flanders writes. We've already done Simpsons. But there are so many characters. We might as well not burn it after five. Really? We're going to, no, we're going to repeat a show this early. You think you can think of another show right now?

I tell you what. Yeah, I really do. Corey, no, we already did this too. All right. Do we do Boy Meets World? Good question. No, I don't think so. Did we?

I would have remembered we do Topanga. Yeah, I think we did. All right, Corey. Corey Matthews writes. Hey, dudes. So there's this girl who I'm really good friends with, but I've also gone through some times where I want to take it to the relationship level.

This has happened twice before. The first time she said yes, but then took it back. The second time it was a straight up denial. But now I think I want to ask her out again. She's changed a lot over the last six months and seems even cooler. If I tell her how I feel and she reciprocates, that's great. But if she doesn't, I'm just afraid we won't talk again.

To make matters worse, she is currently in a stable relationship with some dude, and we're going to go on holiday with them with a girl, her boyfriend, and some old friends from high school. Should I tell her, wait for her boyfriend to leave or not tell her at all? Thanks, Corey. What are you talking about?

I like how he thinks that it's still his decision to make. Right. I like how he's like, she's gotten even cooler the last couple months. That's the problem? No. Have you gotten cooler? She's rejected you twice.

She's already out of your league. You're like, oh, if you can imagine, I actually like her even more now because she's gotten cooler. Also because she's rejected me twice, I'm pretty into it. Dude, I've definitely believed that she's gotten cooler. I definitely think that you are. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, if I tell her I have feelings, she reciprocates.

That's great. Yeah, no, we know that it's great. You've asked her out twice before. So yes, it would have been great if she said yes the first time. I can't believe how positive this email is. She rejected me twice. I'm going to ask her out again. She's got a boyfriend.

What's up? What should I do? Should I ask her way for the boyfriend to leave or just sort of never ask her again? You already told her. You actually, we applaud your courage because a lot of people don't even have the courage to ask out their crushes. Let alone twice.

Yeah, let alone twice. So you've already done so much. We're already very proud of you. I don't know if you should quote unquote fire that third bullet. But you know what? I mean, you might as well just keep them coming. Maybe she won't be able to resist this onslaught. Like in poker, if you bluff before the cards come out

and then you're supposed to make a continuation bet on the flop, it's like, OK, that's second bullet. Then it's like, you keep getting called. You keep bluffing and bluffing and bluffing. Now there's like, all the cards are out. Do you fire that last bullet, make that last bluff and try to steal the pot? You might as well because you obviously

don't care that much about your friendship, right? Or does it? I mean, yeah, what's the friendship like at this point? I mean, if you have like an undying crush on your friend, you might as well just always tell her that you like her and you want to date her because otherwise, like, you're not getting anything out of the friendship. Yeah, that's just waiting for the boyfriend to leave.

That's sort of a common question. It's like, I really have this crush on this girl. Should I tell her and risk the friendship that we have? But how often is the friendship based on the crush? Like, you don't actually you don't actually you shouldn't be friends with someone that you just have a crush on, right? Yeah, I think so.

So it's either like relationship or nothing. Like, yes, it will jeopardize the friendship, but the friendship doesn't really exist anymore because all you want to do is what you actually want. You either want a relationship or nothing. You like the idea of the friendship because at least that means like you'll keep in touch with this person.

You'll see this person and you have a massive crush. Sometimes it's fun to have a crush so you want to draw that out. But I think eventually you always have to take the plunge of like, I like you. Yeah, and I think that the people only value this relationship, this friendship because they have a crush on the person.

So it's like, I don't want to ruin the friendship because hopefully down the line, she'll like want to hook up with me too. Right, yeah, it's like that. There's something to playing it slow too. Right, so like, do you want to like, you want to like this be the moment that you jeopardize it all

or do you want to do that in two months or six months? You might as well just like, yeah, you've jeopardized it twice. So just keep on going. Keep on jeopardizing. You've earned it. So should she, she also has a long term boyfriend, stable relationship.

I like, he didn't say long term. He said stable. It's like a very solid relationship. All right, so anyway, she's head over heels in love with this other guy. Should I say something? Should I destabilize this relationship? Yeah, I think I'd at least wait until the like,

the boyfriend's out of the picture or maybe it's like. Or the relationship is less stable. As you say, it's like, it's like. Don't rock the boat. You shouldn't meddle. It's like, this building is a goddamn fortress. Should I try to hit it with my little hammer

or wait till there's a few kings in it? There's a castle wall and I have a slingshot. What do I do here? So if you're going to go for it for the third time, if I were you, I would wait till the boyfriend is at least out of the picture. That at least gives you some opening. Yeah, and I'm here asking you to make a huge asshole

when you like say something to her. She probably doesn't have a large interest in somebody that comes and tries to break up a relationship. She might think you're a jerk for doing that. At this point, I'd say you have like a 0.1% chance to put it in a sports metaphor. This is like a full court shot. And when the boyfriend is out of the picture,

at least it's like a half court shot. There is a possibility. Deep, deep NBA three. Maybe like a 35 footer shot clocks running out, but you got a loft one. Pray for the best. Cool. Thanks so much for writing us in, Corey.

And we are sorry to crumble your world around you. Now we've been meaner to people. This guy, we at least respect this guy for trying. Yeah, much respect. He's got a good attitude. He's got a good head on his shoulders. He's doing him. Unfortunately, it's not going to work out with this girl.

Unfortunately, the good head you have on your shoulders is dumb. You have a good dumb head on your shoulders. That's not true. You're not dumb. All right. Yes you are. You won't let me make this guy feel good at the end.

Just like, all right, silver lining, you have a good head on your shoulders. But it's dumb. All right, but maybe it's not entirely dumb. Yes, it's stupid. It's good to have a dumb head than to have no head at all. Yes, I guess, but barely. All right.

Second question. This one comes from Sean Hunter. Mr. Hunter, how's that impression? Total pretty good. Hey, y'all. So I started using Snapchat because my friend suggested it to me and before I knew it, my weak mind got addicted.

I started Snapchatting with this cute girl I know and I've started noticing her pics have been getting increasingly more revealing. I usually get some cleavage shots and the last one was of her and a bikini. Does this mean anything? Should I seize that cheese or is she just playing? What would you recommend I do in this sticky situation?

By the way, she just recently broke up with her boyfriend, big fan, Sean Hunter. So at least he made the good move of waiting till the boyfriend broke up. We've done Tinder, you've shepherded Tinder to all of our listeners. Can you explain what Snapchat is? I can explain why he thinks

that this girl is flirting with him and I've done it with a picture of myself right now. While you were talking, I took a Snapchat. So at least start with what is a Snapchat? For everybody who's over 30. Jesus Christ, do you know people? All right, so. Because I wouldn't know what a Snapchat is

if it weren't for you. Snapchat is like a picture message that vanishes after up to 10 seconds. So it's an app that allows you to send pictures that vanishes. Pictures and video that erases, there's no trace of it. So it's inherently flirtatious. Yes, I would say that.

But here's the thing, texting doesn't allow you to send group messages and let someone think that it's just to them. Snapchat does. I could Snapchat eight different people on my list with a flirty message and every single person will be like, oh, that was just for me. So I get pictures of somebody's cleavage.

It's like, that's hot, but I wonder who else she's like setting that to. So I would not, definitely not ask a girl out based on a Snapchat. I think what you could do is escalate it a little bit and like asking her questions via the app or something. I'm 28, so I don't even know if I'm using this app, right? It literally just might be like Dick pics for everybody,

I like to take pics for everyone. I at least like to know that something's coming only to me. So like, I'll ask a question and then if there's an answer or something, like some kind of unique thing that makes me know that it's for me, that's what I'm going after. Snapchat is one of the few apps that makes me feel old. Like I am too old to use Snapchat. It's so immature.

It's so young. Like everything is so silly and flirtatious. And I just, I feel like my, my ship has sailed. Like I never used Snapchat. Oh really? I mean, I think high school and college, that's the ultimate Snapchat age. You know, I thought the same thing.

I downloaded Snapchat. I was like so upset by it. I was like, I don't understand what this is like pictures of people's faces and they wrote like morning commute. Like, no, I don't want to know that. And I deleted it. And then I like was watching other people look at their snaps and I was like, oh, this does look kind of fun.

It's like goofy. So I redownloaded it, which is also what happened with me in Tinder and I fell in love with it the second time. Well, you deleted Tinder the first time you used it. Yeah. Deleted Tinder the first time I used it. Why? Cause I was swiping, there wasn't like,

I wasn't like really impressed by the quality of people on it. Jesus. Swiping to the left most of the time. And then I was like, you know what, this is boring. But then I watched like people playing it together, which is like, oh, I want to be part of this. So it's part of like, So it's like a room with like five guys tinder,

like holding up matches and that got me back to it. Troglodytes, you cavemen, ranking your girls and lifting up the ones that like you back. Girls play it the same exact way. Do they? Yes, they do. They get in a group and they swipe guys to the left and right. Yes, yes.

And then they, they raise up the ones that they like. I don't know if it's that exact extreme, but I know that I've hung out with girls who are like, yes, we like Tinder in cruise of people. And I've seen girls like sending screenshots of their matches. I know that happens. So it's, it's an equal opportunity shallow game. Yes, I'm sure guys take it a little further, but,

but it's for both people. So this guy who's been Snapchat and flirtate, why is Snapchat so inherently flirty? Like, why do you send, why are they like, whenever you get a Snapchat, there's like a little part of you like, ooh, maybe this is like a booby picture. Right, which is also why Snapchat is like 90%

of the time disappointing. Cause I'm like, I see something like, oh my God, is this going to be boobs? And then I open and it's like somebody's face in bed being like, I don't want to get up today. All right. Yeah. Well, you know, who does want to get up today? Yeah. It's my little general.

Is that the second time you've called my penis a little general? Yeah. All right, cool. I guess that's enough. But that's enough. Let's not get it to three. Very funny, very cute.

And it's not, it's not little. It's a gigantic swinging general. It's a goddamn admiral. He's the, he's the naval. And I'd appreciate it if you'd salute it right now. I really would like you to stand up and salute my penis. So, what's our advice? I wouldn't ask her out based on the Snapchat,

but I would try to escalate its flirtatiousness by sending back some flirtatious ones yourself and see if you're getting like responses. And then if you guys have a rapport where you are snapping each other, then it might be time. But also there's a thing that you can do in Snapchat. If you go into your contact list,

you can click on a name and see who their top three snaps are, like the people that they Snapchat with. And if you're in that top three, then that's good. That's a good sign that I'm interested with you a lot. So who's in your top three? If you don't mind saying on this very public forum. Let me, I'll, let me check. I don't know if I can look at myself.

Oh yeah, I can. Three, three friends of mine. All right, perfect, story checks out. Three friends. So if you're listening friends, it's probably you. Here's a question. Is there a, when girls send you revealing photos of you, what's the response there?

You can't send one back, can you? I've never sent a picture of my penis. Right, but like what is the equivalent of like you shirtless? I think I've done that like once, but it was like in response. It wasn't like your boobs, here's my, here's me. Like it was like, I would send a sexy pic at some point. So girls send boobies, girls have a great thing

with the boobs cause it's like, it's not so graphic, but it's like super sexual. Right, we don't have anything like boobs. You don't have boobs. I really, I mean, I show that my boobs shamelessly. Like you walk around topless. It doesn't mean anything. You don't get like vagina shots

unless you get to that point on Snapchat. You don't just open and see a vagina. Like I don't, I can't just send somebody. Jesus Christ, a penis picture is so foul. You have nothing. You should just send her a picture of somebody else's boobs. No, that's not, that's a good idea. It's like here, I respect you.

I'm going to send you also a picture of boobs. Cause I'm sure you'd like that. Unfortunately, I do not have boobs. I wish I did. That's sort of the lot God dealt me, but here's a picture of boobs. All I've got is this massive admiral. That's all.

Salute it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow, for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me

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Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you, free trial. Everything looks good, let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. All right, let's move on to the third question. We are hitting the five minute marks very evenly this time. I like that.

All right, third question. This one comes from Mr. Feeney. George Feeney, got it. George Feeney. Hey dudes, so there's this girl I've recently started seeing and she's really great. We get along wonderfully and she is very attractive as well as intelligent.

However, I hear rumors that she has been around and is easy and I am somewhat scared of getting an STD from her. How do I ask her if she's clean without making it seem like I'm calling her a slut? Much appreciated. George Feeney. It's funny to think of Mr. Feeney writing that. It's funny to imagine how different our answers

are about to be. Well, the premise is like this guy heard that this girl that he likes has been around and is easy and he's not turned off by that. He just wants to know if she's clean before boning her. But I feel like in my brain, when I hear a girl has been around and is easy, I am less interested in her.

But for you, that doesn't affect how interested you are in a girl. If she's attractive, smart, and did he say funny too? He, yes. So yeah, it doesn't matter if she's easy. I don't know. For some reason, it just feels like when the challenge is gone,

if it's like, oh, she will hook up with... But maybe there's some other challenge. Maybe it's not like challenging to hook up with her, but maybe it's challenging her to get her just like you or something. Or maybe it's challenging to get her to open up. Maybe she's just hooking up as a keeping people away thing. But for whatever reason, when I hear someone

has hooked up with a lot of people, I'm less interested. But maybe, is that me being shallow? Or is it you being shallow for not caring? I think it's definitely more negative on you. That's what I've ascertained. I'm not quite sure how yet. I don't know if it's shallow. It's like closed-minded, maybe.

So if a girl is, you heard that a girl is hooked up with a lot of your friends, in addition to a lot of people in your class. If she's hooked up with a lot of my friends, then I'm like doubly interested. Doubly interested? Yeah. Why?

Because I want to be on the same level as my boys. If I hear a girl that I hooked up with is hooking up with my friends, then I'm like, oh, gross. But if I haven't hooked up with a girl and I hear that she's hooking up with my friends, I'm like, oh, I want to hook up with her too. Really?

I don't know why. That's so interesting, because if a girl hooked up with one of my friends, I would consider her off-limits. Oh yeah, no, the opposite for me. If a girl hooks up with one of my friends, I'm like, that's really attractive. I want that too. So there's no amount of friends that this girl

can hook up with for you to be turned off by it? No, I mean, the only thing that would turn me off is if she liked one of my friends and my friends liked her. Right, and then it's like, oh, I don't want to get involved. When emotions are involved, then I'd be like, oh, okay, no. So you're able to separate that? I mean, I would probably still be mildly attracted to her, but no, that I wouldn't pursue it.

What if you're at a party and you have a crush on a girl and you look up and she's making out with Jeff Rosenberg? Right. And then you're like, oh, that's cool. I want to hook up with her too. I don't think it would be that instantaneous. I don't think, oh, Jeff's kissing her. I want to kiss her.

I think it would be like, Jeff kisses her a couple of weeks go by. Jeff hasn't kissed her since. There's nothing happening between them. I'm like, oh, what's up with that girl? I would kiss her. All right, I'm interested. Okay, so this guy's a lot like you.

He just wants to know if she's clean or not. How does he ask her? How does he clean or not? Jesus Christ, you don't care if she's clean or not. First of all, what diseases are you worried about? I don't know. Does he think she has AIDS? No, but maybe like chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes.

All right, herpes is rough, but you can see the signs of herpes. If she doesn't have open cold sores, then it's fine. What, is that true? Do you want to give that advice right now? Is there a way? Is it possible for a girl to look clean and still have herpes?

I feel like the answer is yes. I think asking someone if they have herpes is like, if you have herpes, it's on you to say something before you hook up with someone, or at least like be cautious. And herpes are not contagious if you don't have open sores. Okay, so the other ones? Chlamydia, gonorrhea.

Cured with penicillin. So if it's curable, you might as well not even ask. Yeah, I think I've never got chlamydia or gonorrhea, but if I did, I'd be fine with it. That's an adventure, that's a fun story. I've got chlamydia, I'm gonna take my biotics for a week. If I got chlamydia, that would be an adventure. Yeah, to get chlamydia would be the best adventure of all.

Move over, burning man. There's a new adventure in my life, gonorrhea. It's called an STD. And I am DTF. I've been asked before hooking up if I have an STD. Sure, that's the thing that happens, right? But it's like, while you're hooking up, you don't do it before you hook up.

Right, if I were at a bar and someone was like, are you clean and be like, what are you talking about? But if you're in the moment, but the other dangerous thing is in the moment, she does and she wants to hook up with you anyway, she might just be like, no, I'm cool. Yeah, I'm fine. But what are the odds that she gets a test done

every single time she's had sex, especially if she's, quote, easy and been around? But also, I would quote rumor, okay? That's not even necessarily true. Who knows what the rumor, if the rumors are true. So maybe she's very, maybe she's a virgin. And also like STDs on women, I believe are like very easy to spot.

It's like there's rashes and discharge. Like you're not gonna be having sex with her while she's like. Well, this is why I want to institute my Scarlet Letter theory, which is forcing girls to brand themselves whenever they have an STD. Yeah.

Guys can still, you know, keep it, play it cool, play it close to the vest or whatever. But if a girl had to sew a giant STD to her face. You absolute dick to her face. I don't know her to her clothing or so. I just nothing that she can remove. To her face or her clothing. What is STDs sewed into her goddamn skin?

I just don't want to like have it put on a cardigan that she can take off. You know, that's a little, it's a little small of her to hide that from me. This is microscopically small of you. I deserve to know and see that. You deserve to be dead. Specifically from some sort of

sexually transmitted disease. So you're not scared of STDs. And your advice to this guy is he shouldn't ask her. He should just. If you like her, if you like her. While you're hooking up with her, maybe like give her a quick little pap. A little cotton swab on the VJ,

put it in a Petri dish. Let me tell you how to do a very discreet pap smear right now. I wonder if there's a website that's like, swab a girl in her sleep, put it on a Petri dish and email it to us. And then we'll. There's no way. That sounds, I guess now that I say it, it sounds illegal.

But at the very least, it's interesting. Before you said it. Now that you say it a second time, it sounds illegal. It sounded illegal as soon as you said a sleeping pap smear administered without a girl's consent or knowledge. Excuse you. I know we're only on the third story here, but please jump out the window.

I feel like. I hope you die. Let's just. And try to land on your head or face. My neck or clothes. If you will just lean out the back of the window and just sort of fall backwards like you're going scuba diving or something.

I think that would do the trick. And please don't flip all the way that you land on your feet yet again. You really should land concrete against the back of your skull being sewn onto someone's face to a sleeping pap smear. I think I think you deserve to die. I'm sorry.

And yeah, this isn't like the kind of thing that you can apologize for or play off as a joke. This is just a, it's a death. It's a death sentence. It really is. I am the executioner here. I'm the judge, jury and the executioner. Yeah, I don't know.

Guilty, I guess. Please leave, die. God. Ready? Ready. What, did we finish? Did we answer this guy's question? Well, I know I gave my advice,

which is to not worry about it. Right. I guess my advice is to ask her about it in the heat of the moment. Which she'll definitely lie to you and then remember that you asked her about it. Right. But then you asked her.

No, let's move on, pal. That was good. Then you asked and then when you get an STD and your friends are like, didn't you at least ask her? And be like, no, I didn't ask her. I just figured she was clean. Really, you didn't hear that she's been around? No, I haven't heard that she was been around

or she was easy. Or would you like to say, oh, I got an STD, but I asked her and she said she was clean. If you get an STD, don't tell anybody. At least you got a clean conscience. Get it straightened out and then you can go home. A clean conscience. Who cares about a clean bill of health?

At least you're not blaming yourself. How's that for fair? How's that for feeling good? Being able to sleep at night, even though your penis is on fire. That's unrelated to the STD. I'm just talking about lighting your dick on fire before you go to bed.

That's what you like to do, right? Yeah, it's like an alarm. Instead of getting an STD, you just like to light your own penis on fire. I like to light a match. I'm very promiscuous, but every once in a while I'll light my pubes on fire just to see what it feels like.

It's hot, oddly enough. It's very warm. All right, halfway point. Not really, we're 25 minutes deep, but we can take that break that you like to take. I love this little break. I live for this break. Just like a mental vacation.

Yeah, how you been, man? Good, we recorded a podcast yesterday for last week, and today we're recording one for this episode because we're trying to get two out before you go to Burning Man. That's true. Are you still excited about Burning Man? At this point, I'm still very, very excited

about Burning Man, just downloaded a Burning Man app. It's so funny because by the time this is released, you will have survived or died at Burning Man. I'll be back from Burning Man listening to me talk about future Jake. I just wanted to tell you that I know you're about to have a great time. I hope everything goes very smoothly.

I don't know, this is future Jake. You just returned from Burning Man. Oh, future Jake, welcome back. I can't wait to hear all about the crazy experiences you had. I hope they were all as positive as I currently think they will be. I hope they surpass even my wildest expectations. You said you sort of knew what you'd feel like

at the end of Burning Man, or you had a good estimate of what it was, but you never told me how, what it was exactly. You said, oh, I feel like I'll know what I feel about Burning Man when it's over. Do you remember that? Not really. You're like, oh, I think I know

how I'll feel about Burning Man. Oh, I've said, I think at the end of Burning Man, I'm gonna be like, I can't wait to go next year. I'm gonna go next year, that was the best. And then as next year comes around, I'll be like, that was a lot of planning and effort last year. Maybe it's that whole experience. I think that I'll only go once, but I mean, who knows.

It is consuming your week. Like just thinking about it, knowing that you have to go. And it's expensive and like it took a lot of effort. I mean, I started planning this in February. You started, you bought $100 worth of costumes yesterday. Yes. So what are the costumes for Burning Man, really? Well, it's not really costumes as much as just my gear

and like who I'm gonna be on the playa, which is Jacob. But I got- Everybody's a character. Everyone's not a character, everybody's their truest self. There's a difference. So I bought a fur vest, a fur coat, a cowboy tassel jacket, and army pants. So that's you.

You're gonna be living some sort of post-apocalyptic YMCA dancer lifestyle. Yeah, I also bought welding goggles to shield the dust from my eyes. God, I can't imagine something I'd like less than Burning Man. I mean, it seems amazing. I downloaded the app today and it was like,

it's telling me all about the theme camps that I get to hang out in and they all sound incredible. But I don't wanna be hot and uncomfortable for so long. Well, a bunch of these theme camps have like shading, couches and music and drinks all for free. So you're saying I would like it? I'm saying you could go there and I think you could probably be relatively comfortable.

At least more comfortable than you would imagine. I think that you think it's like going to Iraq and like sitting in 110 degree heat, like in a little like eight by 10 square of shade that you can't move or you'll burn to death. Yeah. It's not that. There's sushi.

There is sushi. There's a sushi tent where you can go and get fish. I am into sushi recently, but we'll save that for another break. Please don't. Let's actually never talk about how much you like fish. We're almost out of time, but let's try to get one more question.

Let's do it. This one comes from another dude. Was it four dudes today? Yeah, we gotta find some more ladies for next one. This is fucked. What's Corey's brother name? Eric. Eric. Eric Matthews writes,

I'll be honest, I don't have the greatest alcohol tolerance, but the problem is I don't want people to think I'm a lightweight plus. I mean, I bench 175 at the moment. That might sound like a stupid problem, but I'm going to be a freshman in college in a week and I've heard how big drinking is there.

Any advice on how to build a better tolerance or how to seem like more of a tank? Love the show. Eric Matthews. It's cool that we have fans that are so unlike us. Right. If our fans knew us, if this guy was a freshman,

when I was a freshman, he would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He could bench you. Oh, no, he could bench more than me. I weigh 20 pounds less than what this guy can bench. How much can you bench? Maybe like 110.

We're talking about like a one rep max. One rep, 110? Is that a lot or a little? I think that's a little. Oh yeah, I guess I do like one. Okay. I'll say 125. I've done a few at 110.

So I guess one rep is like, just the maximum you can put up once. Maybe like 250. Now that I think about it. As long as we're lying about shit. If I could do 10 at 110, I feel like I could do one at 1,000. Yeah, if I could just sit here in this chair

and tell you how much I can bench and we don't have to go to a gym and follow up, I guess I can bench 275. Does that math work out? If I could do five at 100, I could do a 500 once. I also can't believe this guy is asking me and you how to seem like more of a tank.

Well, in my experience of being tank like. But you have a good alcohol tolerance. That's true. You can't bench worth shit, but hey, you can drink a lot. I also feel a little silly or silly is not the word. I feel illegal. I feel criminal giving a 17 year old

advice on how to drink as much as possible. Not even like how to score alcohol for like a little bit of fun, but how to basically binge drink. Here's a question. Isn't this a good problem to have? Isn't it like, I hate the way alcohol tastes. I wish I was drunk after one drink.

Why is it considered lame to be drunk after one or two drinks? You're saving money in school. Everybody drinks excessively. So you need to like, well, they drink until they get plastered. But if you get plastered in one or two drinks, I prefer that everybody, you know, it's crazy because it's like, it's cheaper.

It's easier. It's probably healthier too, because you're not, you're putting less poison in it. But no, I think like at school, you kind of people like do those things where they, they like duct tape all the cans of beer they drank together to like a huge like staff or Trident. You can fake that.

So this is what you do. I wish there was a pill that got me as drunk as five drinks did. I would take that pill, drink cranberry juice for the rest of the night. It is, it's Molly. That's not drunkenness, is it? It's like happiness.

Drunkenness, it's probably similar. If scientists wanted to stop worrying about diseases and start worrying about getting drunk, you think there's a pill that can make you as drunk as five drinks? Yeah, I think there are like definitely pills that make you feel drunk. That's like people abuse,

the prescription painkillers. What we're saying is get into these things. Oxycontin. What we're saying is don't worry about drinking, try prescription painkillers. And actually, if you wash down an Oxycontin with like a beer or two shots of vodka, like that shit will swim fast.

No, I think you should, if drinking comes up in college, don't try to like overdo it. Just your tolerance builds up naturally. You're very young. And above all, don't drink. You're not of legal age. More importantly, please never have a sip of alcohol.

That being said, if you do your alcohol tolerance will rise very quickly. I mean, you work out, you know how things work. At first you're a little weakling like me, who can only bench 125. And then as you do things more and more, your body gets stronger and stronger. The body has a great ability to heal, grow,

and become better over time. I mean, think about getting cut and then your skin just heals. That's sort of magic. Think about how you can bench 175 now. You couldn't do that before. Yeah, you already are a goddamn tank. But seriously, having a low tolerance,

I feel like I'm onto something here. It's not as bad as it seems. Like, you know how they say you're a two beer queer? Yeah. I would love to be a two beer queer. In fact, I probably am a two beer queer. You might be. I've never had two beers, so I wouldn't know.

You never even finished one beer, right? Maybe I've had one beer. I think beer is so disgusting, man. That's so funny. I think it, I said it this before, but when I drink a beer and then I look around and see how many of people are enjoying it, I think all of society is playing a Truman show

as prank on me, and I'm not falling for it. I mean, I'm like sort of with you. I think they're, but like craft beers can be very delicious. I wouldn't want more than like two. I feel like 40 people are like drink, oh, let's drink this shitty ice drink and then give it to Amir and then like he'll be like,

oh, this is so good. And we'll be like, gotcha. This just seems like asshole. This is a prank that we're gonna reveal it on your 40th birthday when I say I like beer. Then you're like, you idiot, this is a 20 year con. We got you to say you like this asshole taste. Companies were rich off of this.

You're the prank. Saying the emperor's new clothes exist. No, I'm staying firm. Beer tastes like what it feels like when I puke a little bit in my mouth. It tastes bitter, which is a bad thing for things to taste like. You know, when milk goes bad, it goes bitter or sour.

That's what beer's default setting is. It's also very carbonated, which as a personal preference kind of burns my tongue. Don't appreciate the carbonation. And three, you have to drink so much of it to get drunk. Not worth it. Can I suck your dick? That was the hottest rant I've ever seen.

This is me talking to a girl at the bar. So yeah. Anyway, barkeep another water. Watch me guzzle this. You really have to give us money or something. You can't just sit here and insult the beer. That's why I only order the girliest cocktails. You do.

My goal is to get drunk without tasting alcohol. And usually that's the pinkest, reddest, or bluest drink. You would love a daiquiri. Yeah, even like a virgin daiquiri. I feel like that would be ideal for me. I just like strawberry smoothies, yeah. If I can get a razzmatazz from Jamba Juice

that gets me high drunk, faded, gone, rolling on anything, I would do that. A peanut butter mood for this very prude dude. Cool. That was good advice for this guy. I say don't worry about it. Get drunk off one or two drinks. Tell people you drink a lot.

But they won't remember how much you drink. They'll be so plastered anyway. Yeah, exactly. And they're the ones wasting money. The next day, I promise you in college, nobody is discussing the next day like, oh man, did you see that? Eric didn't like, you only drank like three beers.

No one's looking at you. You self-centered prick. The world doesn't revolve around you even though you're built like a goddamn shit brick house. I guess that's stuff if you want to like pledge a frat or something where like they binge drink to initiate you. Right, which is already the most dangerous stupid thing

I've ever heard of. Right, so try not to do that. I guess try not to join a frat. Well, try not to binge drink. I don't want to shit talk frats. You sure you want to shit talk frats? I mean. You think they're stupid.

I don't think they're cool. What about our listeners that are in frats? I mean, they're cool. You're cool. Obviously. I mean, we don't want to alienate those people. All your friends are the assholes. All the people that you considered brothers

are the losers, not you, unless they start listening to the podcast. It was one of your brothers. I wouldn't say it's cool versus not cool. I would just say it's not for us. I would say yeah. Yeah, totally. Because we're cool.

Oh yeah, because we could join any frat we wanted. It's just like, it's not for us. And also if we walked into a frat, or if I did when I was a freshman, I would get laughed the fuck out of there unless it was quote unquote the Jewish frat, the nerd frat. Which any frat would become the Jewish frat

if you joined it. Like a little drop of red food coloring in a giant container. Once you mix it up, it becomes dark, dark, blood red. Every frat would become the Jew frat if I joined it. That's a shirt. That's a shirt. All right, we are more than out of time.

We keep going long, but I guess that's good. It's good. It's free content, you know? Oh, we are going to start charging for this podcast. Oh, this is a good time to drop the bomb, actually. 1999, per half episode. You just finished this episode, which means you will be billed by the iTunes Store.

Your first episode is going to be $2.99. How's that? That's pretty good. Everyone just got charged. And then from here on out, it's a $21.99 per half episode. So listen to the break, or then listen to the second half of it when we loosen up a little bit. No, just joking.

It's always going to be free. Thanks to our awesome sponsors. They give us the money so that you don't have to. Perfect. And then you can check them out, and you know, everybody's happy. Everyone wins. That's it.

That is more than our time. Thanks so much for writing in, everyone. That email, once again, for those of you who don't know, is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. The submissions are getting better and better. The emails are so fun and funny, and we love them. The songs are awesome, too. Yeah, so keep those coming as much as possible.

We really appreciate any and all feedback, and even the tweets and Facebook messages that we get when a new episode comes out is great. The viewership goes up and up and up with every episode, so we appreciate all you guys staying tuned in and spreading the word. Except for that guy who we probably lost a couple episodes ago.

When we banned him and every frat brother that just decided to kick my ass if they saw me in the street. I think our goal is to just keep going and going until we alienate every single person that thinks we're funny. Me and you are the only fans of the podcast. We want to end the show with another theme song, which is, you know, how we do things around here.

Another user submitted theme song, which comes from, do you remember this girl's name? Claude. No. Claude. Audra. Audra. Did I say Claude?

No, no, no, it's a real name. It's not a name that you just made up. It's an actual name that she has. To be fair, Claude was closer to Audra. Then nothing at all, I guess. So this one comes from Audra Evans. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. We appreciate and love you all.

Welcome to If I Were You. Jake and Amir are here too. If you're confused, you have the blues in this list. Don't forget, listen to If I Were You.