If I Were You - 180: Baldness

Episode Date: October 22, 2015

In this BONUS THURSDAY Episode we discuss roommates, Rory, and the end of TextJake.com...This episode is brought to you by Ball Park Flame Grilled Jerky!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

It's Jake, Jake, Jake, and his good friend Amir, it is Jake, and Amir, it is Jake, it's Jake, Jake, Jake, and his good friend Amir, if I were you the show, if I were you the podcast show, they give advice that has tacto, if I were you the show starts now, this is the show, it's incredible, not epic enough, a single theater rolling down my cheek, we deserve more, no, we deserve more bombast, that was a national anthem, thank you to Chris and Amanda for that, their last names are so close but not the same, Amanda's last name is Gorette and Chris's last name is Giorgette, but they're both spelled with a G-U-E-R-E-O-T-T, very interesting, so Amanda and Chris thank you for that, we don't usually get full marching band themes but we'll take

and we can get, yeah you know what, I think we should start soliciting some more because I really enjoyed that, this is a special Thursday episode like we mentioned before, we're answering all questions, we usually get emails with a little bit more in-depth problems, sometimes to be honest they're a little bit too in-depth, so we're gonna take to Twitter for this one, yeah we're looking at questions that were tweeted to us with the hashtag tough and tender because that's what ballpark flame grill jerky is, and we're gonna do our best to answer as many as we can in the next let's say 45 minutes, but before we get into that what do you think of my voice, what do you think of my new voice I should say, I think it is horse, oh I think it is course, no, and I think you

are gonna listen to this episode and feel a little bit remorse, you're sick, I think I'm not sick, you're ill, I know absolutely, I hear you hacking, coughing, going like all the time, yeah well what am I supposed to do, how else can I get the diseases out of me, well to be honest I would think that hacking that way must irritate your throat a little bit, oh like I should just swallow it, yeah but no I don't know because I would do the same thing, I'm very thankful I'm not in your shoes, my diseases are always worked the same way which is I feel a little dryness in the back of my throat, that's day negative one, and right off the bat it's very meaningless, but I know, I know what the next four days will be like, a little dryness, I seem fine, I don't want to make a big deal out of it but I

just know what's gonna happen, yeah I don't think I've ever heard you lose your voice this badly though, well because what happens next is a sore throat then that goes away and it goes into my nose and then when that goes away I get the last little bit of irritation, we had an unhealthy week, I poisoned my body and I don't, I do deserve this, the question is why didn't you get this, you deserve it too, I will be sick, I'm going to a wedding in Mexico tomorrow, it's gonna be lovely, I will get sick tonight and I'll be sick the entire weekend. Okay thank you, that would really mean a lot to me, because I would hate for me to be the only sick person, I know, it's very hard to track sickness, like I don't know if I've ever been sick when you were, you were when I, I feel like the

way you get sick, although people are contagious, it's never like the most obvious route, like I don't think I'll get you sick, I guess there are like different strains of cold and sickness and like maybe I will miss this one or maybe, I don't know, I don't know how fucking medicine works, right? You know it is, it's gonna happen because I like touch stuff and then I pick my nose, that's the way I get sick of it. Right, well I think so, yeah that's why you just, you got to always wash your hands. Yeah, I got to wash my hands more often. Yeah, that's when we go climbing sometimes and if I like, you gotta really thoroughly wash your hands, I gotten sick at the gym, like because you're holding stuff that like everybody is sweating on and then afterwards we're just doing like

push-ups on the sweaty ass floor and then you're like, oh okay, can I, I'm gonna do, can I get a muscle milk and then you take off the top and then there you go, just sucking, you're sucking sweat and the rock and dust. What we do afterwards, seemingly even worse, is we will crawl to the rib place. Yeah. We'll crawl on our hands and feet. Licking the ground the entire way. Exactly, so we'll, we'll rub this little trail. Right. Then I get to the place, my hands are just covered in soot. Yeah. Just absolutely caked in this, this asphalt and I start eating the ribs and it's sloppy and I'm licking my fingers and oh so good. And then you, but then you start to feel a little ill, you go to the bathroom, you, you vomit. Yeah. And then you look and you're like, that's a waste

of money. Right. And then you'll scoop. I'll scoop the vomit, the rib puke. Right, right back into your, yeah, I'm taking a ladle and I'm putting it into a dick. Right, but you don't want to eat it because it's disgusting. So you have a little, you're putting it into your, your wreath. Of course, you have a little funnel that you've heard of butt chugging. This is dick sagging. So I'm like, I'm, I'm like Mork and Mindy when he puts his finger into the glass and the water goes down. That's tough, but it's also a little tender. And I think that's why I got the cold. But we'll do our best. So right off the bat, you guys know that we're, we're real deals. Yeah. We're smart dudes. So let's try to answer some Twitter questions. Okay.

I'll still not, I'll still give these people fake names, or at the very least I won't say who's asking them just to keep them slightly anonymous. Right. First question, right off the bat. Are you ready? Yeah. Should I embrace the inevitable and already happening baldness and shave my head? Or are there secrets to hair growth? Hashtag tough and tender. That's, that's a tough problem. And it's tender because the bald spots on your head are probably getting burnt by the sun. Absolutely. Next question. We just explain why it's tough and tender. Well, I guess I know people who like have thinner hair. And I think the cool look is to shave it, grow a beard if you can. So shaved head, beard. Yeah. And then glasses. They're, yeah, that's

pretty cool. That's a cool look. I think it depends on the degree of baldness. If you have like basically a yarmulke on the back of your head of just skin. Yeah. Then I would, then, then, yeah, it's better to shave than do a comb over. Right. The worst is that you, is you trying to hide it? Yeah. I think that, I think you have to, you have to come out ahead. Right. Pun intended. You can't be, you cannot be shot. Think about like, I think maybe even College Humor did this at one point. Like they photoshopped Vin Diesel's actual hair onto his head on like all of his role. Like he looks so badass. Yeah. But what is he really? He's just like, he's a guy with male pattern baldness. So here's what you do. You work out, you dedicate your life to eating well

and working out for let's say six months. You have to look too strong to grow hair. Yeah. That way. Like the rock. So that way you look better just because you've been working out eating well. It is going to suck for six months. So what? You don't have cereal and cake and pizza. It's six months. But how do people describe the rock? Do people say, oh yeah, he's like that bald guy? No. Do you say no? Oh, he's the most jacked guy in the world. Yeah. And then also he's charming and has a good spot. Oh, is he bald? I didn't even know. I didn't even know. Yeah. You want to, you want to, you want to be such a physical specimen or at the very least improve yourself a little bit that way. If you're like, oh, you look good. So right now you might be not in that

great of a shape. Your hair is thinning. You maybe pale a little bit. Right. So they're like, oh, your hair is thinning. Like, no, I don't have any hair. Yeah. And guess what? It's all gone. And feel my muscle. Yeah. Oh, I actually tweeted this at the rock. But do you think he ever gets a cold? Can you imagine the rock? Did he ever respond? No. I said, I'm like, do you ever get a cold? I can't imagine you sneezing. What is the rock like when he gets the sniffles? What is the rock like when he takes Nyquil and then he feels groggy in the morning when he wakes up? Yeah. The rock at his sickest is still better than you at your like peak physical. Yeah. Yeah. But he must at the same time, he must get like the flu or a cold or something, right?

I don't know. He's not immune. Although if you do keep your body in the great shape. And like, what happens when he hurts himself? You know, like the other day I sort of twisted my ankle coming up the stairs. Yeah. I was like, ow, that was stump. Yeah. Does he ever stub his toe? Yeah. If he stubs his toe or shuts his finger in a drawer, like if it gets pinched for a second, is he like, ooh, does he shake it? Or is he just like, that was nothing to me? Right. Do you think he's ever said, ah. Oh, yeah. Like if he burned his hand on, ah, do you think he's ever just like had tea that was a little too hot? Oh, yeah. Like opened popcorn in the steam. This is sort of like not Damon actually talking about it, but it's all physical stuff. Yeah. I don't think,

I didn't, there was this video of the rock who like broke his finger. Remember he had like, he's like, I have to do this stunt for this movie. He's like live streaming. He's like, and look what happened to my pinky and he pans down and his pinky is like at a right angle. Jesus. But I said, pop that son of a bitch back into place. We got a, we got a movie to shoot. God, he's cool. So the answer is no, he doesn't ever stub his toe. Do you ever get nervous, Rock? Yeah. Does he ever get the, like if he had to host the Oscars, would he get nerves? All right. He seems like he's too charming. He's the most electrifying man in all of entertainment today, frankly. So embrace it, shave it, improve other parts of your body.

Yeah. Look, there's got to be some other bald like superstars that you can look up to, namely the rock and just like embody that. The thing is it will look, looks, it looks a little daunting at first, a little different at first, but then people get used to it. Yeah. Every new haircut is, is like, like even though a haircut that I got the short on the sides thing looked extreme for the first couple of times. Yeah. Then you went back and you got a one on the sides. You're like, it's not short enough. Right. Now I have to go shorter. Maybe I'll shave my head too. That'd be cool. Have you ever gotten a buzz cut? Not since I was in like high school.

You buzzed in high school? Yeah. In high school, I shaved my head. What about your Mohawk? Yeah. And a Mohawk. That was chill. That was like three weeks ago. Yeah. Were you done with the Mohawk? I don't know. I kind of, I think I like, what am I trying to say? I like the Mohawk, but not as severe as it was on the sides in the back. Like I basically want a mullet, I think. Oh. Like shaved on the sides, fading into a mullet. Then you want, the mullet is like actual like hair that grows from the bottom most point of the Mohawk down onto your neck. Well, yeah, I don't want that. I want, like, but I want the back of my hair to be as long as the top of my head right now. Right.

And then just the sides shaved, I think. Right. So like before there was a Mohawk, there was like maybe two inches in on each side on the back of my head. And I don't want that anymore. I just want the sides gone back normal. And I have no idea if what I'm asking for that, if that's like an average haircut, or if they're like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? It's definitely not average, but the question is, is it cool? Yeah, I don't know. It's not born even for me trying to be cool. Like I did this. Well, where did you get this idea from? Basically, because I saw the back of my head when I had the shaved sides all around. And it looked like I was wearing like a dumb little hat of hair. And I was like, I think I want hair on the back of my head.

I don't care about it on the sides. I think shaving the side looks cool. Interesting. But on the back, I'm like, I think I like having hair back there. So that's it. And then you told me I looked like a French soccer player when I got the Mohawk. So I was like, that's kind of what I'm going for. Yeah, soccer players have the coolest haircuts. Yeah, I was talking about this yesterday. Like if we're talking like soccer players and basketball players have like really cool style haircut. And then baseball is just like the coolest thing you have in baseball is a goatee. Yeah, why is that? I don't know. But it's like the worst fashion to sport there is, I think. I guess because it's like, well, think of the people that play baseball. They're a little

bit more like old fashioned. Right. They're not like, they're not like, it's not a cool stylish sport. Yeah. I'm saying like, yeah, they don't even wear like performance hats. Like the hats that they wear in baseball, I guess they're like to keep the sun out of your eyes. But like really, they're not like, it's not like wearing a helmet or anything. And the pants are baggy and you wear a belt. Yeah. Baggy pants, belt, hat. How can you? Like big baggy shirt. Yeah. And then then you go like after football, soccer, basketball, like there's at the press conferences, basketball, especially people who look fucking dope, you know, like the glasses, the suits. Yeah. And then I feel like basketball is almost like about fashion in a way. Right. Like basketball

shoes are like fucking dope. What are the new Jordans, the LeBrons, whatever, you know? Yeah, there's no like who's got the newest cleats. Yeah. What the Derek Jeter T shirt, he fucking sponsors a Ford Escape. How cool is Derek Jeter? Are there even like hot baseball players? Yeah, I don't know. Derek Jeter was like the hottest one for a long time and he's and he's not even that hot. He's a seven. Yeah. He's a baseball 10, sure. But he couldn't, he couldn't get with girls if he was in the NBA, I don't think. Yeah. I don't know if they're hot baseball players. I guess there are. But even like Odell Beckham and football has like the big like the puffy yellow afro thing. Yeah. Football, there's a lot of like really dope

dreads coming out of helmets. And like there's a lot of dudes with long hairs. Right. It's pretty cool. I think maybe it's just because baseball is filled with white people and white people are inherently not as stylish. Right. Yeah. That's fair. Like can you imagine Ryan Sandberg just wearing what Russell Westbrook wears out? Jason Veratek. Just wearing a nice form fitted suit with big red glasses. Jason Veratek definitely gets sick. All right. Another question. Hashtag tough and tender. How do you start to get over a long term relationship? I mean like step one. Towards getting a long term relationship? To get over one. Oh, to get over one. Yeah. See, this is another thing that's like

you have to embrace it the same way that that dude's about to embrace his bald head. You have to be like, what are the things that I didn't get in my long term relationship? Right. Right. So like a shit ton of me time right off the bat. You were like, I love the idea of self-improvement after a long relationship because I think the instinct is like to binge drink and like not take care of yourself and like wallowing your depression and look worse. Yeah. Definitely like find comfort in like laziness and junk food and stuff. But I love the idea of just being like, I am going to kick myself into shape. Then we talked about like, yeah, just improving yourself, getting into good shape, taking care of yourself, going out there, meeting friends. Right. Which

is extra cool if you got dumped. Yeah. Because then it's like, look how much better I am now. And it's kind of a dick move. You dump somebody and then you become really hot and better. Right. Well, it's still tough. Because then it's like, wait, why did you wait to dump me before you did that? Well, sometimes when someone dumps somebody, it's because they're miserable in the relationship and they have to get out of it. So they're sad. It's like a whole sad ordeal. Right. And exercising and stuff is a good way, one, to feel better because it's like, it's a natural high. And two, you'll have extra time to do it because you're no longer in a long-term relationship, which as you know, is a little bit of a responsibility and time commitment.

Yeah, exactly. And now you're going to look good too. If you're in a long-term relationship, that's like three to six hours a day. That's sort of lifted now. It's gone. That you're not texting, you're not emailing, you're not eating meals, you're not sleeping with, which is obviously some good, some bad, but at the very least, you'll have more free time on your hands. That's what you had. Like don't think about it as loneliness. Think about it as freedom. Oh, shit. Like I'm lonely. No, I am free. No, I'm horny, man. Yeah, man. Yeah. I'm horny, dude. I ain't lonely shit. I'm horny. We were talking about leading an exercise class, not necessarily leading one, but being a part of

one. Yeah, like some sort of like Michelle Obama-esque fitness promoting. I am the first lady of if I were you. So yeah, we should do that. This is just, this is sort of planting the seed out there to see if people would be into it. But if we had like, I just want Michelle Obama arms. I'm serious. Yeah, dude. Long and lean and like so toned. Dude, I think you're actually slut shaming her right now. What? All you care about is her body and not what she's actually doing with obesity. No. Yeah. Cause I'm like talking about how like how cool of a person she is and you're saying like her physical appearance. No, her, you're, don't talk cause now you're mansplaining at me. I'm not saying you are mansplaining. Can I mansplain something to you for a second? Sure.

You don't know. Okay. Don't even say sure. Cause even that's your, that's enough. Okay. No, don't even say anything. Dear God, man. That's awesome. Should we get to the next question? Before we do that, we should rent out a gym and have everybody come and do a workout. Well, like a CrossFit? I don't know. Cause I don't like CrossFit. Oh shit. I don't want to offend anybody that takes CrossFit because they can all kick the shit out of me. They're all stronger than me, but I don't like the idea of leading a shitload of people in CrossFit. Cause it's a great way for all of our friends to get injured. But you do like the idea of a minimalist gym. Yeah, I do. Just some nice simple exercises that people can do at home. Right. So you're

talking about doing like a podcast or it's an exercise or like actually. I don't even know if we should do a podcast just like a straight up meetup where like we get a cool fitness instructor to lead everybody in a class. Oh. And then like, Hey, we could tweet about it or we could Facebook about it. And then we go there and who knows, maybe like a couple dozen people show up and do some exercise with us and that'll make everyone feel good. Yeah, that's nice. And then maybe we can start charging cash for it. Yeah. And if any chicks show up, then we can screw them. Yeah. Yeah. So you get to get screwed and we get money. I'm lonely. I'm horny. I am scared. I am deaf. I am coy. Do mad ever notice manicured nails? Or am I spending my money on female validation?

That was from Jeff Rosenberg. Hum. Is it really? No. Do men notice manicured nails? Oh, Dave got a manicure. Yeah. Is that why you? That's why maybe why I thought of it. Yeah, Dave got a straight up manicure last time. He doesn't take care of any like he had lost his wallet, but he had perfectly manicured nails. Yeah. If your wallet is a cigarette pack, maybe you should invest in a wallet, not a manicure. Yeah, dude, for real. Biolufa. I wouldn't have noticed. I actually recently did Biolufa. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, not a lufa, a natural sponge. Anywhom. It is made out of recycled coral from the Great Barrier Reef. I don't think I would notice manicured nails. Is it something that like makes the

owner of the manicure like feel really good? I mean, I take care of my nails and I feel like that's pretty good. Yeah. I think the goal of manicure is not, it's not to get guys' attention, I don't think. I think it's like to feel better about yourself. Wait, a girl asked that question? Yeah, girl. She said, oh, sorry, I didn't know. I thought it was like a guy saying, is it okay if I manicure my nails? Oh, no, it was like a girl saying, I'm spending money on manicures. Like, do guys even notice? Oh, yeah, certainly not. At least I don't at all. I mean, guys barely even notice haircuts, which are so much more drastic. Yeah. Manicured nails is like such a small portion of the female anatomy. But to me, I think a lot of that maintenance

stuff is about the person having it. Yeah, you get a new haircut and you get your nails done. You're like, oh, I feel good. I feel confident. If it's making you feel good, then that's great. If you feel shitty and you're only doing it for guys' attention, then don't because that's fine. Right. There's better ways to spend your money if you want to get a guy's attention. Like you can buy a hockey jersey and then wear a hockey jersey. Yeah. Or if I saw a girl in a Boston Red Sox hat, even though I hate the Red Sox, I would be like, this girl likes baseball. I love baseball. Like a worn Boston Red Sox hat. It's sort of like a faded denim.

Right, right. It's like a faded blue denim. This is the second time we're talking about Boston Red Sox. It's Jason Veratek's daughter. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get

matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's

betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's

available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you, free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. All right. Next question. I have a

passive aggressive roommate who won't tell me what bothers her. How do I make it to the end of our lease? Oh, wait, sorry. Say that again. I have a passive aggressive roommate who won't tell me what bothers her. How do I make it to the end of our lease? How long is the lease? Let's say seven more months. I love it. Yeah. Oh, man, that's really tough. Can you move out? Can you move out? You can always move out. It's less serious of a breakup because like, what you hate your roommate, what happens if you move out? The roommate hates you. Like, oh, good. You don't live there anymore. It's not that big of a deal. And I think it's not a big deal to break up with a roommate because like, you don't get along. And worst case, I guess like, it's sometimes tough if it's like a

friend of yours that you moved in with. Right. What you do is you find a better place and that gives you an excuse to leave. You say, look, I'd love to stay. I love how you don't tell me the shit that bothers you. I fucking, I love that. Yeah, it's great. You just sort of like, yeah, you get quietly angry and then I ask you if anything wrong and you say it's fine quickly and walk away. Right. But then the other day I came home and there were a bunch of dirty dishes on my bed. Yeah. So I feel like stuff is getting to you. But I did find this awesome apartment. So I'm going to look for somebody to replace me here. You just give a ton of heads up. You're like, I'm like, I'm moving out for whatever white lie you want to tell. Like whatever reason,

you got a great deal on a place or you got a, you are in a relationship, you're going to move out. And then you say, I'll deal with replacing me. That's all the matters. Fake relationship. You say, I'm going on a date tonight with Rory. And then you come back to be like, I actually eloped with Rory. The date went so well that Rory and I are already thinking of moving in together. Yeah. And he has a fucking amazing deal on a two bedroom loft and I'm going to move in with him. And yeah, and I'll find somebody to replace me and I'll pay the rent until I do. Yeah. And there you go. And maybe your roommate will be like, you know what,

I want to be in charge of finding your replacement because I want to be sure that I can get along with them because as you know, I'm very passive aggressive. Yeah. So you get, yeah, that way you leave. And then whether she's mad at you or not, it doesn't matter. The thing is, if you're noticing a lot of passive aggressive behavior, if there's a chance that your roommate also hates you. So if you're like, I want to move out, they're like, Oh dope. Yeah. Awesome. The problem maybe arises if you are like, I don't like my roommate, but I want to make him or her leave and I want to stay. But I think if that's the case, you can't unless you've found the place. Yeah. It's hard to do the force over. Like,

if you're driving fast on a highway, you get really close to the car in front of you and they move out of your way. Right. I don't know what the real estate equivalent to that is. Yeah. I don't know. Just like, well, you could turn your apartment into like a drug den, get it to the point where the roommate wants to move out. Yeah. Maybe Rory moves in. Yeah. That's a good idea. So Rory's just always around. Yeah. Rory overstays his welcome often. He does. And honestly, fish and Rory starts stinking after three days. You know how sometimes you like, halka-loogie into your bathroom sink? Rory does that in the kitchen sink. Yeah. And then sometimes he'll do that, like not even in a sink. Right. Just on the floor.

Or into a bowl. The other day, I saw Rory say like, who? Rory came out of the bathroom and he was like, there's no more toilet paper. And I was like, who is this? I'll pick some up Rory. And then he walked over, grabbed a roll of paper towel. Rory did it. And he, instead of taking back to the bathroom, he just wadded it up. Rory, dude. He wiped his ass in the kitchen. Rory's ass. Yeah. Yeah. Follow along. And Rory, then he picked up the paper towel. Who did? Rory. Tossed it out on the garbage. Who did that? Forget it, dude. What? Forget it, man. Who did it to that? How could you forget it? You know what else I saw Rory do once? Rory. Who did it? It's like, who's on first with Rory? What did you see? Who did that? Rory did it.

Rory did what? Rory was like, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, like, who is he in this scenario? Rory. Rory. Rory is sitting on the freaking remote during the big game. Yeah. And the channel would change. And then what do you say to it? Who was it again? Rory. Rory, what would you say to him? Rory, you got to start sitting on the remote and he's like, what did you call him? Rory. I didn't hear it. Rory did it. Yeah. So then Rory. And then he would, he would have his own remote. That's insane. Rory. Rory would. Just a classic Rory. Such a Rory. He's a classic Rory. How do you feel about girls with PhD, not a medical doctor? Huh? How do you feel about girls with a PhD? I guess a doctorate degree,

but not a medical doctor. Oh. Neutral. Oh, it doesn't turn you on. Or off. It's just fine. I guess if I met somebody that had a PhD or like, you know, they were extra smart, I would be like a little turned on and be like, well, that's really cool. You tell me more about that. Yeah. I'd be way into it. Like if I was dating a doctor of anything, even if it was like. Can doctors like that write prescriptions? Yeah. I don't think you're focusing on the right thing. Like if she could get some Xanax, that would be right. Yeah. No, I'm talking about a girl who like dedicated 12 years of her life to getting a doctorate in economics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not necessary or a history. Right. Right. But I mean, like still, then that means she could

get. No, I don't think. I don't think professors can get you. Should we get Ritalin? No. Yeah. I don't think so. Really? I don't think that's, I think you have to be an MD again. At all. That's would be fucking right. She doesn't get me that. Who? I would worry. I'd be down to date either a doctor or a girl with like a drug connect that like could get us Adderall. And which one do you prefer? Like connect. So if I can take like a history professor, a drug dealer. Yeah. Anybody with that connect. Yeah. The connect for. Should we should take a break? There is no break, man. This is all sponsored by the same goddamn thing. Oh shit. There's no break. We could take a break and think one more time. Ballpark flame grilled jerky. Gracias. But we don't have to take it.

We don't have to stop. I mean, we could take like a really like a kind of like an emotional respite from maybe talk about our shows or something like that. Yeah. Maybe let's talk about the shows. Just like you have five epic shows coming up. I'm very excited about these two in November. No, four in December. Yeah. Four in December. Two in November, four in November, three. Oh my god. We have seven shows coming up. Yeah. In the next two months. Is that too many shows? Perhaps. First one is Wednesday, November 11th. Wednesday is November. No, I think Wednesday is November. Yeah, because Friday is the 13th. Oh, okay. So. No, so Tuesday, November 10th. Yeah. We're at Mullenburg College. Mullenburg. Mullenburg College. I'll get it right

once we get there. Allentown. What up? This is my homecoming show. Really? Well, in a way. I went to school in Bethlehem for a year, so. This is a very. My triumphant return to the steel town. It's a very thin homecoming. I lived in Bethlehem for eight months, and then the next day we're going to be in. Wait, maybe Allentown's Coal. I don't know. We'll figure it out. I'll figure it out by the time I get there. Wednesday is our show in Philadelphia. Yeah, Wednesday's Philly show. That'll be a fun one. At the Helium Comedy Club. We have not been to Philadelphia in like two years. Yeah. And then Thursday, November 12th. We've never done a live podcast in Philadelphia. No. Thursday, that's our true homecoming show. That's the Brooklyn show. That's the one that's

almost sold out. Dude, that's not even fucking. Like, that's not even just New York City. You know, that's Brooklyn, and that's not just Brooklyn, it's Williamsburg. We're going back to the hometown. Yeah, that's the epicenter. Oh, I love it. My glasses are getting bigger already, just thinking about it. Yeah, I'm nervous about what's going to happen after that show. I will. You think I'm sick now? Yeah, dude. I want to be fucking. Come find me on Friday. I want to be a goddamn fucking helicopter. Lamar Odom style, just being airlifted. Pumped. You know, he only got airlifted to get pumped with more herbal viagra, right? Really? That was the emergency. That was the helicopter? There wasn't enough.

Thank God he survived so we can make these jokes. I mean, we probably shouldn't make him either way. Right, of course. But if you're not laughing yet. Yeah, honestly, you have to laugh at it. It's so funny that you're live yet. We have to laugh. Yeah, actually, not all the time. Right. No, we're just assholes. You don't have to laugh. And then what about our December Northwest tour? Yeah, that's going to be the real shit. That's starting in December 2nd. We're starting in San Francisco, working our way up San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver. Yeah, that's the December 2nd in San Francisco, 4th in Portland, 5th in Seattle, 6th in Vancouver. Vancouver is kicking ass. We have never been to Vancouver and those shows are almost sold out.

Yeah, that's like a it's selling at like four times the rate of the other shows. It's amazing. Canada's fucking bringing it. We cannot wait. I think we're bigger in Canada. We should move there. Are we hockey of ourselves? Are we hotline bling? Am I a maple man? Because our shows are much... I'm a maple man. Our shows in Montreal, Toronto and now Vancouver are out selling all the shows in America. Yeah. I can't wait for the... I love the Pacific Northwest. I really do. It has it all. It has rain. It has wood. It's green. It's mountainous. Everybody's friendly. Things are fucking hip there. Yeah, I think of green. I think of gray.

Gray and green. Just fog. Well, the summers are very lovely. Absolutely. So those are the big shows we have coming up. Tickets for all of them available at IfIReuseShow.com or jaconamere.com. We should really redo the Jake and Amir website. Right. We have to do that. That's an expect project, dog. Thanks, man. Now that we got that head gum sign up, we finally did it. Or Marty's dad did it. Well, still. Yeah. All right. Do you have more... Do you have time for more questions? What do we do on time?

35 minutes ish. All right. Let's do it. Has there ever been a fan theory better than your original intent? And what's the punchline to your favorite joke? I liked one of the fan theories that I only existed in your brain. Yeah. I remember that one. That was like a jaconamere fan theory that... That was when we considered embracing, but then it was like... It was a little too tough to shoehorn it in since we didn't enter the series with that. Right. It was tough and also tender.

Yeah. It was a little bit tender. We did that Halloween episode that was like that. Yeah, that's true. Where we made it seem like I had died three years ago and you were talking to me. Right. And you were quote unquote annoyed with me, but it was actually nobody there. Yeah. But then it turns out I was just actually there.

Do you have a punchline to your favorite joke? You think it means jaconamere joke or any joke? Any joke in general? Any joke will do. I mean, I can't think of this type of thing off the top of my head. Did he once memorize a joke for when people asked you? Yeah, I did. Do you remember the joke?

It's a little off color and this isn't the place for it. Wasn't it about... No, it's a pedophile joke. Oh, that's okay. Yeah. This is a safe space. So this is guys, it's a little off color. But if we have to laugh about it, we really have to laugh.

We have to laugh. Yeah. So it is, I believe it's something along the line of my good friend, Jessica, came up to me the other day and she was Jessica. She came up to me and she was just appalled. Really? She was, yeah. She, there's something going on.

And I was like, Jessica, what's the matter? She said, I just found out that two out of every 10 families lives next door to a pedophile. And I said, geez, that is really, that's really bothersome. But thankfully that's not the case with me. I live next door to two smoking hot 10 year olds. I told that joke to a bunch of strangers in an elevator once. And? Defending applause.

Really? They loved it. They ate it right up. What about the one about the bus? Oh, the bus is another good one. So I was, I heard a story from, wait, here, this is what it is. Okay. So I was riding the back of, I was riding the bus and a woman got on and the bus driver said

to the lady, hey, lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. And she can't, she comes, she sits down next to me. She's appalled. She's just frankly, you know. A lot of your, yeah, a lot of the people in your stories are appalled. Yeah, she was appalled. And I said, ma'am, what's, what's the bother? What's the matter?

What's the matter? And she said, that bus driver just insulted me. And I said, hey, you don't take shit from anybody. You go up, you go up there and you tell the bus driver off here, I'll hold your monkey. That's funny. Classic. There's another one that I heard about a pedophile. Actually, last time I told the pedophile jokes.

Some of the guy, these are all jokes I like stole from Reddit by the way. I mean, all jokes are jokes that you steal. So this one I thought was really funny. It was like a pedophile walks into the woods with a kid and the kid says, hey, mister, I'm really scared. And the guy says, oh, you're scared. How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone.

That one's quicker and it's funny. Yeah. That means he killed the kid, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, like, you know, that's how he fucks the kid and then just spins away. I mean, it's not funny, but we have to laugh. We really have to laugh at the idea. Otherwise, I don't feel like-

That's what every comedian wishes people would embrace. Yeah. You have to laugh. Yeah. We just have to laugh. Just because we are laughing. Just because I made a weird joke doesn't mean we don't have to laugh. This is a tough and tender thing that we should talk about.

Oh, good thing you wrote it down. That's why I did it, because we missed for the last, like, three or four weeks. It's the official end. Yeah. What do you think? It is coming to a close. Text Jake.com is we're going to shutter the business. It's been around for over a year, right?

Is it over a year? I think so. That makes me happy. So for the last year plus, Jake has been receiving text messages from you guys and offering his advice on what you should respond. Yeah. And we've gotten thousands. I believe it's thousands.

Yeah. And every time I thought about shutting it down before, because it would sometimes get a little overwhelming, I'd like some text would come in and I would be like, wow, I really, this person really did need a little help. And there have been a couple of instances where some guys said that they've sent the text and the girls said they've sent the text and they've gotten laid. So that's been, that's made me feel really good.

You've helped people have sex with each other. Yeah. I've helped people have sex. I've helped people break up. I've helped people fire their housekeeper. Yep. Just be kinder, be better. And you also, I feel like this is a crash course in human psychology.

You've gotten, you've gotten an intimate look into thousands of people's phones and their conversations with them trying to impress another human. It's crazy how different everybody is. So what, what do you, what, what have you learned? What have you gleaned from this? I feel like one of the general rules has been if the person thinks they, they're like, I don't want to come on too strong or like, I don't know if this person likes me,

but I maybe want to ask them out. Like if they're that sort of self-aware and humble. Yeah. Almost like at least 90% of the time I've been like, this is going great. Like fire, like go for it. Go for it. Like ask her out, ask him out.

Like it's usually going better than they think. And then the texts that are like, I just want to fuck this girl. So like I'm really cool. What do I say? And then there's like four texts to that girl where she hasn't responded with a question mark or even at all. Right. I'm like, I've definitely told people that have huge egos.

Like this is going bad. How do the egos get such a huge ego? And how do the, how do the humble people get so humble? I don't understand. I think it's just like you're born with it. I don't think that it's like people have like earned these huge egos. They're just like, they have huge egos and that's probably turning people off to them. You want to hear my theory?

Yeah. It's how attractive you were in high school and junior high. I see. So like I feel like I'm very humble because I wasn't like a hot teenager. Right. So I was like ingrained to me to feel bad about myself, self-deprecating. Yeah. So like when I'm talking to somebody and it's like going somewhat well, I'm like,

oh, she's not interested in me. Yeah. Because I was, I'm hardwired to think that. It's interesting because like in a way I wouldn't even advise you to be more confident. You'd probably be like a little bit more confident, right? Right. Just like to actually like take charge and ask people out on occasion or whatever. But most of the time I think overconfidence is like bad.

It's not very attractive to anybody. Right. It borderline on cockiness. Yeah. So it's hard to, it's hard to be humble and then also confident at the same time. That's true. And so what's the plan? Can people no longer buy texts?

I think we should do one more week. So because we announced it right now, right? So yeah. So this will be on Thursday, October 22nd. How about on Monday? Like we'll, so we'll do one more podcast announcing it and Monday will be the last day to buy texts. Monday, October 26th. Yeah.

So you can use them in the future and I'll answer them. Yeah. Like if you purchase texts, Jake will still fulfill that promise to you. Yeah. No more texts for sale after Monday. After Monday. But we'll still serve the texts that have been sold. Got it.

So if you have your ticket or if you haven't get it now because your window of opportunity is closing and then by Monday it'll be shut forever. Yeah. End of an era. It was a good time though. A solid year. Yeah. And we probably made close to six and a half, seven million dollars.

It's interesting. Just like capitalizing on humans like that. Yeah. Well, what we did was like monetize your skills. So for example, if you were a basketball player, you could have made that money easily. Yeah. If you were a carpenter, I'm sure you could have built enough tables to make seven million dollars. I know we took all the money and we invested it hard in some really risky stocks.

Very. A lot of day trading. Penny stocks really. And we lost it mostly all. And what we're left with is. We took the small profit, the meager profit to Vegas. We said, let it ride. Let it ride on 22 black, baby.

And we lost it four spins. It lasted. Amazing. Yeah. Like 22 black hit three times in a row. And we just kept feeling like, let it ride, let it ride, let it ride. By the end we were up, I mean. Probably 40, 50 million dollars.

And then we said, let it ride one more time because if we hit then we never have to worry about a thing in our lives. Yeah. For generations, I feel like. Yeah. And anyway, it hit and then we cashed out. And we took that bag of cash and we fell asleep. And when we woke up, it was asshole gone.

I know. It was like butt gone. We fell asleep on the fucking. Cash. On a mound of cash in the center of the MGM. Like absurd. Like by the bell desk. Who stole that from our nose?

Fall asleep with it. Like we curled up on it like two weird cats. Yeah. Just like. Playing in our money hay. Yeah. Our money stack. And now that money's gone.

Gone diddly on. Unfair, uncouth, ungood. Unkind. One last question. Sure. Then you really have to go. Yeah. I have to pee actually so.

At which point should you talk to the person you're dating about whether they're still on Tinder or Bumble? At what point, at which point should you talk to the person you're dating about whether they're still on Tinder? So let's say I meet someone on Tinder or Bumble. We haven't even spoken about Bumble on our show. Yeah. Bumble's a good one.

I like Bumble a lot. Bumble might have surpassed Tinder. Yeah, for sure. Bumble is like Tinder with the wrinkle of girls have to message guys first and if they don't message a guy within 24 hours the match disappears. It's amazing. So I said it's like Bumble is like Tinder but for people that know about Bumble. Yeah.

So it's like a little more people your style. Right. People that listen to podcasts. Yeah, that's true. So it's easier for women to join that because there's so many less, well there's less creeps because you don't have to, I don't know, the creeps have sort of like a hurdle. You have to like them at first. And you have to message them.

Yeah. Girls have to message guys. So I wouldn't ask at all. Never. Probably not. When do you delete it yourself? The problem with deleting it is like in the back of the guy's mind they're like there's no greater feeling than leaving one of these dating apps just dormant running in

the background for when you are single. Yeah. Because then you just got that whole like month or two of swipes just like building up. So you don't want like for a guy to get rid of that it's almost like he should wait until he's engaged. That's like that's when he truly knows that he's not going to be single again for a while. Well I think when you really care about somebody you probably stop caring about the swipes adding up.

Right. So when you start caring about that then delete it. Right. But it is it's a tough one to get rid of. But then you don't want to be like in a six month relationship and then have the girl be like hey my friend found you on Tinder. Yeah. So I mean I would I guess probably like before a month is up.

One month. If you've had if I mean if you've had an exclusivity talk then you shouldn't be on Tinder. Right. But you don't have to inquire that's like at which point do you have to talk to someone about if they're cheating on you or not. Right. I think and I wouldn't say like are you still on Tinder or are you still on but like I would just say maybe as casually as you possibly can like I deleted Tinder or something like

it was a big moment like I don't know be fucking cool about it but you just let them know that you deleted it without any expectation of did you delete it or whatever. Right. And then maybe they'll volunteer that information maybe they'll say I deleted it two weeks ago you asshole. Yeah. Yeah that's why it's better to stop bringing it up and when you're feel comfortable deleting yourself assume that the person you're dating is not also actively on it trying

to be that they will. I think that's just like it's pretty standard. It's an implicit agreement between guy and girl. Yeah. These questions truly were tough and tender. Absolutely. Thanks for everybody who tweeted at us. We'll be back on Monday with more regularly scheduled questions.

Those can be emailed to us if I were you show at gmail.com. Thanks one last time to ballpark flame grilled jerky. We're sponsoring this bonus episode for real tough and tender jerky in a variety of flavors gluten free no added MSG no artificial flavors and colors if you're in the supermarket check it out. I can tell you from personal experience that it is actually delicious. The opening theme song again was written by Amanda and Chris. This closing one was by Tony it's a stony parody a parody of the one that stony made for us

back in the day. Peristone nice dude thanks. Thanks to Jake thanks to Rory thanks to all you guys for calling in who I'll be I'll be back on Monday with an even worse voice if you can imagine wow hashtag sexy voice we're out. Listen up everybody this is what I do if I were you if I were you listen up everybody this is what I do if I were you if I were Jake in a mirror need a name to reserve your anonymity that's good that's good that's good everyone even better listen up everybody this is what I do

if I were you if I were you listen up everybody no this is what I do if I were you if I were Jake in a mirror need a name to reserve your anonymity absolutely I have to line up here that's good that's good even better that was a hit gum podcast