If I Were You - 181: Flying Bull (live at the Irvine Improv!)

Episode Date: October 26, 2015

In this episode we discuss scary questions, terrible jobs, and solar decathlons. Plus a call from a friend. All live at the Irvine Improv in Irvine, CA!This episode is brought to you by ClubW, BlueApron, and Ball Park Flame Grilled Jerky.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Jake and Amir! Who here likes takin' shits? You guys like takin' shits? Why so many takin' shits? Sometimes you gotta wipe, sometimes you don't. What is that? 20 seconds! The first thing out of your mouth! I want to try stand-up for a while. Alright, yeah, go for it.

Give me the theme! Shits, yeah, that sounds perfect. I already did shit! I loved it! Alright, Amir's gonna do stand-up for the improvised stand-up. Give him a one-word suggestion. Yeah! Noodle? Noodle? Did I say Noodle?

Did you say Noodle or did he have like a ton of stuff prepared on Noodles? Alright. What is it? Poodle? Poodle. Oh, like Poo-Poo. I already did that. I already did the Poo-Poo joke. Well, do Noodle, actually. Noodle? Alright.

What's the deal with Noodles? Oh, that's amazing! Yeah, like, what? So, okay. So, because of the shape of it, it's a different word for it. Well, I'm not done yet. What about Noodle? You don't have to ask.

I'm really excited to see the stand-up. I'm gonna tell you. Jesus. So, okay, so, like, Brett is Brett. I know, because I wasn't, that was just the setup. Alright, but we're here to do a podcast. What? Yeah.

Who here likes podcasts? Good. Who here doesn't even know what podcasts are? Some... There's a table here that looks... Are you guys on a company retreat? I feel I have to... I apologize for who brought you here.

What's about to happen? I feel bad for you. Do you guys know who Crandis is? No, no. That's so, that's so in. That's so inside. Do you guys, why are you... I'm sorry, I have to apologize on behalf of the company

that brought you here and was like... I guess they threw a dart at a board of comedy shows. And as luck would have it, it landed on the wrong one. That was close, right? Where do you guys work? What's your job? The company is flying bull.

Flying bull. What does it do? I want to know. What would your guess be for flying bull? I think they're into, like, cattle transport. Oh, yeah. So, like... They're at 36,000 feet.

Uh-huh. Yeah, so they'll herd cows... I was gonna guess energy drink and Red Bull should sue you because it's so similar. What does flying bull actually do? We are producing an event called the Solar Decathlon. Whoa.

Cool. So it helps the environment. Now you feel like a real asshole. Well... I hope you guys enjoy tonight. Um... I know my parents wouldn't be happy to be here. Um...

But that's only because they're not proud of you. No, yeah, they just happen to dislike me a lot. Um, it has nothing to do with you guys or anybody else here. Uh, everybody else, has anybody here never been to one of our live podcasts before? Oh, great. Oh, yeah.

Has anybody been to one of our live podcasts before? Cool. And who here is from flying bull? Just the flying bull table, then? Yeah. We got one Solar Decathlete. Can you name two of the ten events in the Solar Decathlon?

Of course. One is just the javelin. They just ran out and they had to use regular Decathlon shit. Right, of course, yeah. And then the rest are like solar-related. Yeah, there's, um... A pulse... A pulse is good.

Oh, a solar vault. Where instead of a padding thing, it's just a solar panel. Everyone who participates in it dies. Oh, no, yeah. There's never, ever not been a death. Yeah. Put that one at the end, otherwise

tournament over. There's no one to do the javelin. Do you want to sit down? I don't know. Oh, yeah, we're starting for so long. Let's do it. You're right. Let's get started. Let's sit down. This is happening. Ready? All right, now we've addressed the fact that we're sitting down. Here we are. How are you guys doing up front?

This is cool. What's Gucci? Nachos. Yeah. It looks like you really got into them already. Yeah, nachos are weird. This is another one stand-up. That's what I'm saying. What's the new in nachos? It's like the top layer is nachos.

The bottom layer is just chips. I mean... That was actually pretty good. Yeah. Cheers. Thanks. Looks like a lot of your ice melted. Clink. Okay. It's just that when I have spaghetti

and pasta sauce, it's not just on the top. We're going to workshop that backstage, actually. For those of you listening at home, this is a recorded show, so a lot of people are just going to be listening, you know, at the gymnasium. This episode is brought to you by Flying Bull. Yeah. Google it. You guys owe us $7,500, by the way.

Or an hour of your time. They pay us. This is like a very traditional comedy club. There are seats. People are eating nachos. Are those sweet potato guys? Y'all got some cellos. That's what's up. You already done...

How long have you been here and you drank three cellos? Yeah. They showed a four-minute video before we came on stage. Five empty beers on this table. They opened the doors. They opened the doors ten minutes ago. Yeah, fuck yeah.

College, bro. You wouldn't get us. I dropped out. You wouldn't get us. Like, these are my boys. Have a sip of one of their beers. I don't need to have a sip to know that... You've never had beer before. You're afraid of it.

You're crying a little bit out of this eye so no one over there can see it. It's a controlled crying, which is... Almost never useful, but tonight... Yeah. One of them is trickling out of my butthole. Once again, this episode is brought to you by Flying Bulls.

Please check out the Solar Decathlon on when is it, November 33rd? Oh, no, they lied to you. That's not a real date. When is the actual Solar Decathlon? It's the next four days. Ten events, four days. Two and a half events per day. How long are these javelins traveling?

Solar! Your hand is so cold. I'm an alien. Uh, so for this table over here and everybody else, uh, who isn't quite sure who we are, Jake and I have a podcast, an advice podcast. It's basically a radio show that you download

onto your phones. They know what a podcast is. They're putting on a goddamn Solar Decathlon. A computer is a machine. That you play in here, you can type word processing. You know email? Yeah, so you don't have to print it, everything.

It's an email you listen to for people you don't know. I feel bad. I'm sorry. I know. We're making fun of him. Not anybody else. Anyway, the theme of the show. So people will email us. Do you know email? People will type letter correspondence chess.

Do you play that? Uh, and people are in sticky situations. They're in tough places. You know kids these days. They don't know what the fuck's going on, you guys. We're all drinking like nine Stellas. Yeah. Making bad decisions. Ordering nachos.

Nachos are fine, but the Stellas are, you know, suspect. So Jake and I get hundreds of emails a day and we comb through the submissions and we try to answer four or five of them on the show. And if you guys wouldn't mind, I guess we should do it right now.

Yeah, well, we're here. You might as well. Sometimes, most of the times it's just Jake and I alone, fully nude in our, our home. Often spooning. Often spooning into the same microphone, which is coiled around us like a python eating us both.

What a way to go. But that sometimes we're fine. Irvine, let's give it up for yourselves. I like the one guy did jazz hands back there. It meant a lot to me to see that. Oh, if you're hard of hearing,

you have to do jazz hands instead of clapping. Of course. Sorry, Jake is deaf. I didn't hear that. Jazz hands. Yeah, it feels good. All right. So these are real emails from real humans on this planet. They share it the same

with you and I, Flying Bull. They're just confused of sorts. But we want to give these real emails fake names just so we can preserve their anonymity. So if anybody has the name, the name of a male, a male name, a male name.

Well, I heard Crandis. Crandis follows us around to every show. It's sort of ambiguous. So I could go with a dude who could be named Crandis. A man named Crandis writes. A man named Crandis writes. Hey guys, big fan of the podcast. I'm a first year student at university

and was wondering if you guys could help me out. I'm coming home in two weeks to my girlfriend of two years. While we were together, we plan on catching up and even trying some new things like taking a shower together. Huh?

It shouldn't be that new after two years. But here's my problem. Lately, I've really wanted to try licking her ass. But I don't want to weird her out or make her disgusted. How can I bring this up with her so that she's willing to try?

I don't want her to reciprocate the licking. And we've never, yeah. Get your mind out of the gutter flying bull specifically. I don't want her to reciprocate the licking and we've never gone near

each other's asses in a sexual manner before. Any advice would be greatly greatly appreciated. Love Crandis. Let's go down for Crandis. So why do you have to specify that we've never gone near each other's assholes in a sexual manner before? What manner was it?

They've wiped each other. It was all business last time. So like, for example, she'll do a duty and she'll be like can you come wipe me? Oh, you're a father. He's so matter of fact. While we were together, we planned on catching up

and trying new things. Like, I don't know, hopefully licking her ass. I'd like to find out how her first semester was. Did you meet anyone? May I lick your ass? Yeah. Did you take any intramural sports or participate in any other hobbies?

Furthermore, can I lick your colon? I want to lick your ass. Once we're done catching up. What else is new? Perhaps in the shower, so I know it's clean. Oh, that's a good call. He wants to shower together. I think that's when the ass licking should and will commence.

Let's wash our butts. Turn off the water. I've got my own water and it's solar powered. Speaking of which, let's turn it on ESPN 9. The Decathlon's on. I think the shower is actually a great way

to segue into the ass... He means butt hole, right? When he says ass licking, he's not talking about tasting the cheese. White that. That's kind of sexy. Nibble it on your way to the... Yeah. It's like going on a road trip

and you make a pit stop. It's not about the... The journey. Well, it's not about the... I guess with ass licking, it's all destination. And journey. Yeah, I guess. But really, your eye's on the prize on that one.

Yeah. Brown eye's on the prize. We're working on our high fives. I think you can't... You... I don't think you broach it like a normal subject. You can't, like, sit... You can't text somebody like,

Hi, next time we're together, I'd like to lick your ass. Those things are best done in the heat of the moment. Yeah. I think there's a lot that you can get away with in the heat of the moment because it's turning you on. Yeah, you're already like... You're trending towards a location.

You don't want to zero in right on the ass. Like, if you're doing... I think you have to... You've got to be going down on her. Okay. This is real advice now. The joke part is over, so everyone listen the fuck up.

Put those nachos away. And take out a tablet. A Samsung Galaxy. Brought to you by Samsung Galaxy and Flying Bull. So, yeah, I think you can lick her ass. Ah, yeah.

Nothing's funny about that, by the way. It's all sexy. It's funny to talk about it on stage, but in the moment, yeah, you can lick an ass. So you're saying you have to already be down there trending towards there. Yeah, you can't go from, like, kissy-kissy to ass.

But you could go kissy-kissy, necky-kissy, booby-kissy, vagina-kissy, little creep like, I kissed your ass. You test the waters. Yeah. You don't dive in. You go to the first step and you say, ooh, the water is cold.

Let me get out of the pool. Right. And then you go back into the first step and you're like, oh, I've actually gotten used to this. Uh-huh. Can I lick your asshole? But once you're in, the water feels so good. Yeah, it's all warm to me.

Um... He should catch up with his girlfriend, though. That's the important part. The primary thing is to find out what's Gucci with your families, say I've missed you, and then... At the end of the day.

Yeah, we can end the day by licking. Yeah, it's fine. That should be the... What's the... When you do stuff after that? That is the end of the day. Yeah, you can't catch up after you've licked your ass. You just... You eat her butt for a little bit.

For a little bit? Sorry, I need to floss. Dear God. Unrelated. You just have to floss. Look, I ate corn, not you. Yeah. Oh, dear.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Thank you. Let's move on. That's actually... That joke is actually good because she ate the corn, and then... Dude, don't dissect it. Let's...

Either way, there would be corn is what I'm trying to say. I got you. I feel you. That's why it's funny. Yeah. Please, answer the next question or drink your... Do something besides talk about this. I do want you to drink this water at this point.

You have let the ice melt that into its... Isn't that the point of rocks? I think the point is to make it cold, not to dilute it to the point where it's not... alcoholic. We learned two new things today. Keep in mind I might be wrong.

I often am. All right, that's it. That was our advice for this guy. Let's give it up for Crandis one more time. One more question. Well, many more questions. One at a time. We need another guy's name.

Did you just feel Crandis again? No, it's too late. It's too late. I want to ask Flying Bull. You want to... All right, sure. Flying Bull, who's the highest up person at your company? That's here right now. Who's the CEO? Adam?

Tom? Tom? Of course. Did you just guess Adam because he kind of looks like an Adam? I should have guessed. Every CEO's name is Tom or Adam. Yeah. I had a 50-50 shot. So Tom, what we need is a fake guy's name to help us answer this question. It could be a fake name

that you made up with a series of sounds or just somebody that you know and love. Don't give him so many parameters. Just fake name. He'll do it. You told him to either use sounds or a loved one? Yeah. I want to make it easy. Do whatever you want, Tom.

You're a goddamn CEO. Nobody tells you what to do. That's the goal of being you. You're the boss. You tell me, actually. I'd like to use the name Richard. Whoa. He needed help.

No, Richard is good. Do you have a last name or you want to keep it anonymous? Yeah. Yeah. Tom, dude. Yes, dude. I love that, dude.

Yes, dude. All right, dude. Don't stop on the stage, dude. Just read it. Yeah. Tom writes, I'm choking. Lighting up flying bull. This is a corporate retreat.

Y'all could have been bowling if Tom was slightly different. Dick writes, I work at a law firm run by possibly the worst human beings on planet Earth. I think people were better treated and more well respected during the Third Reich than in my office.

Huge stress. He means how they treated others because people within the Third Reich were probably treated very well. I have seen... I have seen every single girl reduced to tears by cruel managers. I have seen people freak out

and storm out of the building, never to return. I have seen people on the verge of physical altercations because they are so irate. We aren't even doing any good work. We're just launching a solar decathlon for God's sake. Holy shit.

We aren't even doing any good work as we are a foreclosure law firm and work and work solely to take away people's homes. I've had to console weeping mothers and explain to them that we are still going to force them

out of their home. Nothing about my job gives me an ounce of joy. But I can't afford to quit or be fired because I need the money. So, would you guys stick it out and say... Sorry, would you guys

say fuck it and bounce on Hitler's foreclosure firm or stick it out until you can find a new gig? Love, dick. Let's give it up for dick. One time for dick. It's flying bull like that,

people storming out, getting into physical altercations. Obviously, you can't answer with Tom in the room, but... just cough twice if he's emotionally and physically abusive. Who... Well, who here hates their job? Oh, my God.

Why would you woo? There's rubble! All of the waitresses just applauded. No, but it is true. This place seems particularly evil. I don't know what they steal buildings and make their employees cry. Someone's in charge

of this workplace. Which is not a good place to be. I think that's one of the worst jobs you can have. Take away people's houses. If you work for an insurance company that has to... you have to represent people who were killed in an accident,

you're like, we want the family to pay for this. But that is someone's job. I mean, Owen could possibly be passionate about that. Yeah. My first job was somebody paid me to giggle at funerals. Really? Yeah. A vigilante boss man

hired me on Craigslist. And he said... Do you know who he was? He didn't have a name or a face. He did look... The visage did resemble John Wolf, but he would pay me $40 an hour to go to funerals and crack up. Global? Globals in charge of this?

I don't want to say that he is or isn't, but he doesn't really seem like that. Because I guess funerals are completely over. For those of you who don't know here, we know this guy, John Wolf, is sort of like this... Yeah. I mean, Woo, because we know him,

but he's not a good guy. He's this sort of weird social vigilante who takes it upon himself to be a dickling and a nuisance. He's really subtle ways that they're not... He's an anti-hero. He's an anti-hero. He doesn't kill people,

but he literally paid me... He made people's lives bad. He paid me $50 an hour to crack up at funerals, and I'm like, why is that? And he's not even there to enjoy it. No, he doesn't want to see it. He doesn't get a perverse joy out of being there. No, he just wants to pay me

and have me live with the guilt of knowing that I did it for money. That's so weird. John Global, Global Wolf is... I just hate it, man. He doesn't make shit like that. He'll also sell nutritional yeast in its sand. That one is illegal.

That one is illegal to do it because it's false advertising. So you'll put sand on your popcorn, and you think it's nutritional yeast because it does resemble sand. Nutritional yeast is like, the hell it's good for you.

It tastes kind of like cheese. It's a nice thing to have, and then you bite into it. I don't know, because everyone loves popcorn and for whatever reason, Global, John Wolf doesn't. So have you ever had a job that you hated that you stuck around for?

Yes? And why did you stick around? Money. This is what I'm telling you, dude. My money-free society. That's a really nice idea. Have you all ever been to Burning Man? It's all this cool barter system.

You can go to Walmart and fill up on water before you get there, and like, kind bars and shit. Once you get there, there's no money, and shit actually really, really works. As long as you rent an RV and Reno, then it's like, really... Yeah, do they accept hugs and shit for the kind bars that you buy in Walmart?

Or is it actually just cash, dude? And it's like not supporting the man, it's just like this free society that's like, fucking beautiful, and like, yeah, as long as you load up on kind bars and stuff and you get there. It really has to be kind bars.

And if you meet me at the Fluke Talk tent, sponsored by Red Bull and Flying Bull next year... Thank you. I think the deal with bad jobs is that you will endure them as much as... like, this guy's body will fail when he's ready to leave. Like, the fact that he can still tough it out

means that he's still, like, fine with it. And one day, he'll be like, Are you advising him to stay miserable? Yes. You don't have a microphone. You're supposed to empower them to be... I think he can look for other jobs but he shouldn't leave this job

until he's actually physically incapable. I don't understand why he can't get fired. If he got fired, that's like several weeks' severance. And then you get to go look for a job. How do you get fired at a place that makes people cry and mad? Wouldn't it be amazing if he was like, Oh, I actually didn't end up taking

that family's house away. Like, you did a bad job. So then you get fired, you get severance, and you didn't take somebody's house away. That's actually good advice. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Whatever. Yeah.

Get fired. Tom, have you ever had to fire someone? Not yet. Not yet. I love that attitude. It's on pretty thin ice. Isn't that right, Barbara? Is someone's name Barbara? Oh, it's got to be, right?

Sheila? Sarah? Sandy. Oh, the nutritional yeast. Holy shit. It all comes back to Sandy. It's changed her name. I don't want to finish that real quick, because I don't want to just finish it.

It's all water. You can yell chug. Are you kidding me? It's a lot of water. It really is. And it's cold, so it hurts my teeth. That's... So you can see the predicament I'm in. Sure, yeah, yeah.

Just to have this much cold, icy water. Tell you what, why don't you just chug from the bottle then? I got to drive home, but hey, what the hell? Yeah, dude! Instantly puking? It goes 45 minutes of me passing out.

Everyone's sort of chanting still in a sad way. Die, die, die, die! Should we answer one more question than the break, or take the break now? What do you want to do, man? Well, it's our show, actually. Hold up. Let's take the break right now.

If anybody has any questions, we can answer anybody. Whatever you guys want to talk about. It's a great association. You got a raise in your hand? A video in our email two days ago? This guy has a gun. Did you, um...

Watch the fucking video, man? What's the right answer, dude? Fuck! It was skipping, dude. I don't know if I finished watching the video. I scrubbed a little bit. Shit. We have, like, 14,000 emails.

We check them as much as we can. Yeah, I'll comb through. You know what I'll do, dude? I'll sort by attachment. That's, like, the coolest thing to say, or the nerdiest thing to say in a cool way. Yeah, I'll fucking, like, sort by attachment, though.

Like, even I'll put, like, a Google filter on that and be, like, higher than 5,000K. Like, I really will sort by largest attachment. Like, descending. Yeah. Okay, what's the window?

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, bro. Um, we'll look for that video. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. Very specific personal questions. Any other... Jake's virginity story, um... CHEERING Um, so...

I feel real weird telling this in front of everybody flying bull. All of them were involved. Let me explain the situation to the social decathletes in the room. Sorry. Solar decathletes. My bad.

Every live podcast we have, Jake sort of promises to share his virginity story, which is something of an urban legend. It has become lore of sorts. A myth, only, sadly, true. If you're listening at home,

let's take a quick commercial break so that we can't disseminate the story to the public. We can only tell it word of mouth the way traveling salesmen used to do. Tom, you understand. Tom and I used to sell oil door-to-door.

Snake oil, actually. It was another global scheme. So if you're listening at home, let's take a quick commercial break. Thank one more sponsor and we'll be right back after this. CHEERING All right, now everyone, shut the fuck up. It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped

millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to

www.betterhelp.com if I were you. You do that too. It's really helpful. It's really helpful. www.betterhelp.com if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

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That's www.betterhelp.com if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, Better Help. That's the episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me

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just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. What? What an amazing heroic tale. Actually those fries look pretty good. Do you mind if I

have some some for the first time? You guys haven't touched the fries and you've kind of like devoured yours. Yeah no I mean I do but I shouldn't because I have to talk more now. Yeah leave them on the table and I'll

get to them after everyone leaves stupid. Oh you know what we should answer we got that follow-up email from our last live show question. Yes. Alright. That's right I've got a question.

So who here listen to our live show in Toronto? Okay I'm gonna catch a couple people up but do you guys remember the girl who Tom you remember the girl? Yeah. Tom knows what I'm talking about. You know what I'll just

read it. Alright. Not that guy I wish. So this girl she was dating a jealous guy. I was living with him at his oh wait this is it. Alright. 21 years old

been with my boyfriend for four years he's perfect here's the issue there's always they're always perfect and there's always it's not perfect. Perfect without flaw. Like that. So he's very very jealous he he saw

dirt in my bathtub and thought it was cum but the day he saw that we didn't have sex he still brings it up and today we almost broke up because he said he couldn't trust me. What should I do? So this was the main the main problem was the trust follow-up

problem was it was a problem that he didn't he couldn't tell the difference between dirt and cum. Yeah. Two very different things. Yeah. One is brown and the other is mud. I mean so here's her follow-up we advised her I think we advised her to break up with him. Yeah

because he was an angry jealous boy. An angry jealous boys don't get girls. As far as I'm concerned who are you? Sorry I had a fry and I'm a sassy old uncle man sassy old

uncle man. Yeah and I'll say stuff like jealous boys don't get girls. And I think it rhymes but it doesn't. You have a really long cigarette? Yeah I'm Theodore Leslie of Swartz. So alright

this is from I don't remember her name so what's the girl's name? Kalisi she's always on the mind isn't she? Alright this is from Kalisi or whoever it was in Toronto. There's a follow-up email to the original one we answered in Toronto. Exactly the girl whose boyfriend didn't

know the difference between dirt and cum. Thank you for answering my question I'm so honored and I laugh so much listening to you guys read it at a live show no less so here we are again that's kind of cool a little backstory I was living with him at his parents house but they didn't know I was living there

because they're so rich they have three houses two in Vegas one here. I don't know why this is necessary I think she just wanted to brag about the success of her boyfriend's parents. It explains why the guy is an asshole a little bit. Sure a few nights ago before I was supposed to leave when his parents were coming back

to visit I got really sick of listening to him go on about how little he trusted me so I just started packing up I gathered all my things and I said fuck this I'm done I can't handle this anymore I did what Jake said and I started to leave Wahoo and he

did basically that move where he said but wait I can trust you everything changed when he wanted to break up with me I'm a different human now to you so I ended up staying this reaction

so far is correct he's still crazy what? but he changed forever he actually forced me off social media oh his words were it was in my best interest to be off social media

he should have said in your best Pinterest for example snapchat deletes the message slash snap after it's seen you could be talking to other guys and I wouldn't be able to see it so since then I haven't been on Facebook Instagram Twitter or snapchat things have been

better oh huh things have been better between us since I got off social media is this good for us I I think she's confusing better with worse yeah things have been better for the

the supervillain ever since I became an emotional prisoner of myself yeah things are alright yeah weird how that works out right it's also interesting that he forced her off all social media because he was afraid that she could use it

that's like saying I have to remove your mouth and voice box now because who knows who you can talk to yeah things have been better now since I can't speak I probably wrote that email oh no things are better now that I'm typing for her

sincerely little girl send sleep what do you think girl in a cage he keeps her in a cage Jesus Christ I think it's almost to the point where we need to fly to Hawaii and rescue her

I was gonna go to Hawaii anyway just because it's a chill spot yeah I was gonna go stand on a paddle boarding in Kauai and then while I was there I'd be like hey this guy's bad this guy is really bad and he's taking stuff essential freedoms from you

you woman you crazy woman you I'm actually mad at her she's an Instagram whore now what if a man sees your picture how am I supposed to deal with that delete guys

are we you guys clinking glasses like we have to kiss it's a wedding toast I missed a FaceTime call from Ben do you think it would be interesting to call him back that's a fun idea alright so you guys

ideally it'll work I have a friend we have a friend he comes on the show he's sort of a deal a big deal of sorts people love him you're setting it up and if he doesn't pick up it's gonna be really disappointing I just want Flying Bolt to understand

what's going on here so it'd be kind of funny if I FaceTime him and I do it like off camera or sorry off microphone over here he thinks I'm in a hotel room that looks like a brick wall for some reason and then I turn it around I'll be like oh I'm actually doing a live show

and he'll be like what and then I turn it around and it'll be a fun little moment they should all say something when you turn it around what should he call him what's one of his most famous names from our Cherry Dude alright so what

they're gonna just chant Cherry Dude yeah when you turn it around everyone will say Cherry Dude this is gonna be so sad if he doesn't pick up 10 minutes of build up and he's just like who else has got your phone dude call Rick Fox come on alright here we go I'm gonna call Ben FaceTime and nobody say anything

until I turn the phone around yeah that's right the silence is yes dude yes dude I love it I love it where are you man

you're at home dude I love that yes dude I'm actually doing a show right now this second Cherry Dude come on you're on the microphone so people might be able to hear you

hi everybody fine of all the people in Mears had sex with. Yeah, we gotta go, give it up for Ben Schwartz. Woo! That was fun. I was gonna tell him Flying Bull was here. We have about five minutes left.

I know, I know. But maybe we can try to answer one more question real quick. One more, yeah, let's do it, speed round. All right, girl's name. Toboggan! Toboggan! What was it? Toboggan!

Toboggan? Like a sled? Yeah, Toboggan. Yeah, dude. Okay, great. Toboggan, man! Toboggan. Yeah!

19 Stellas. Toboggan actually works, because we needed a guy's name. Perfect. Toboggan, of course it is. Toboggan is unisex, right. I just turned 18 and I've been dating my GF for two months and we've recently gotten very physical.

I'm really good at going down on her, amongst other things, but she isn't very good in return. She is really self-conscious about this and I can't exactly fake it as there is an outcome. The outcome comes out. Yeah, outcome is the perfect word. That's where outcome came from.

That's such a sad thing to say when you orgasm. And here's the outcome! I command thee! That's why it's called, like, what's your income? Originally it was the jizz going back into your urethra. That's how you were paid. Isn't that so bizarre? Medieval times were fucked, dude.

That's how the actors at Medieval Times were paid in the 80s. That's so weird. Anyway, the reason I know what to do is because of porn. Should I suggest that she watch some videos to educate herself? Or will that reveal that I've watched more than my fair share?

I don't want her to feel inadequate because I know that getting someone off feels really satisfying. Please help, love toboggan. It sounds like there's a huge chance he's not getting her off, right? Yeah. I'm really good.

I watch porn. I read a book once. I know all the facts. Well, especially with porn, that's not necessarily how you wanna have oral sex. So you're saying don't go to porn to learn? I watch porn too. And a lot of the time it's like when they go down,

like they slap their vagina. Yeah. And I don't know if that, I've never gone down on someone and been like, is this thing on? Is this thing turned on? And if I were a girl, if I were a girl in that situation,

I'd be like, oh, I just came. That's, just stop it. You're finished and you're done. And that's the outcome. How about telling her what he likes and dislikes? Isn't that better than saying, go to your local library. Yeah, cause most porn, like blowjobs are, you know, it's face fucking.

So that's probably not where you wanna go with your girlfriend. No. Unless it is. And there's nothing wrong with that, but she's really gotta be on board. So what do you say? How do you, how does one get better at anything sexual?

I think it's more about, it's not about like porn. It's more about like the actual, the relationship, right? She doesn't need to know how like a porn star likes his dick sucked or like what the porn industry's idea of a good blowjob is, which I think involves a lot of gagging. Yeah. See porn is not a YouTube tutorial.

Yeah. It's a you porn, you tutorial. Oh. And sorry, I just had a stroke. I also think it's not necessary, very physical. Does that mean they're having sex or is it just very physical oral sex? I think he's eating her out

and she's hitting the top of his brain. Did I get it right? I think like a chimpanzee, learning to make fire for the first time. Or a gorilla trying to crack open a coconut for the third time. So he sort of knows what he's doing. He's gonna get it, he'll get it.

I think yeah, you gotta say, you gotta talk to her about what you personally like on your dick and don't say, don't. Yep, totally. You are just reliving that porn star blowjob. Sorry, I'm just imagining Tom taking this all in. The rest of the Flying Bull team surrounding their CEO.

What do you guys? Listening to you talk about how the best blowjobs are given. It just warms not my heart, but I guess my scrotum, which is heart shaped, though upside down. To a mere scrotum. To you guys.

Yes, guys, did you guys have fun? Flying Bull, thoughts. It wasn't what you expected, right? But it was still borderline. I mean, people around you seem to have been laughing a bit. That's better than nothing, I feel like. Maybe next time mini-golf, I don't know. I'm not sandy.

I don't get what's good and bad. I do need a job because after this, we were fired by basically every comedy club in the country. So Flying Bull is an opening for Solar Decathlete or Human Resources. Please let Jake or I know. Let's give it up for Flying Bull for having fun. And to Jake.

Thank you. And to Amir. Thank you guys so much. We had an amazing time. We really appreciate it. Good night. Thank you. But wait, one last sponsor, one last company to thank,

and that is DollarShaveClub.com. I used to shave with razors so old that they were really, really not good anymore. Actually, they're not good. Don't shave with old razors. Use DollarShaveClub.com to change the way you shave. DollarShaveClub.com delivers a whole new sleeve of amazing razors for just a few bucks.

You can shave with a fresh blade that feels fantastic and great every week. And the prices are really low because they don't have to deal with shit like putting it in stores. It's all done online. Y'all like the internet. So check out DollarShaveClub.com slash Jake

or DollarShaveClub.com slash Amir for your low priced, high quality razors delivered like clockwork every month. Once again, that's DollarShaveClub.com slash Jake or DollarShaveClub.com slash Amir. And yes, if you are in search of more podcasts to enjoy, the new Hollywood is a new show on the Head Gum Network as well as how to make me come a show

I think that's equally important for guys and ladies to listen to. When else do you get to hear ladies candidly and anonymously speak so earnestly about their own sexuality? It's kind of an interesting conversation that I'll be having on a weekly basis on the Head Gum Network. All right, now y'all are free

to do whatever the heck you want. See ya. That was a Head Gum Podcast.