If I Were You - 182: Halloween

Episode Date: November 2, 2015

In this episode we discuss strippers, costumes, and hangovers.Brought to you by MeUndies and NatureBox!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If you want to learn how to get babes on maybe just how to find the get laid or how to put it in her ass. Wait, mama turned down the podcast. It's hosted by Amir who's good at math and Jake who's a bit of a sociopath. But trust me, they're the bomb. If I were you, show at gmail.com. I like when girls do it.

Yeah, it's fun. They're taking it from us. Oh, come on. That's our word for them. What? I make that noise about them and they stole it from me. It's my noise. I stole it from Kanye.

Fair and square. I stole it first. That was from Nicky Richards. That was a Jason Maraz cover, correct? Yeah. Those are the lyrics too. We should get Jason Maraz on the podcast. I was actually thinking we should get Maraz on the show.

So it's funny that you say that. It would just be me, you and Maraz. Yeah, so I was thinking that like me, you, because it's so funny that you mentioned that because like earlier today, I was talking to Douglas, my autistic nephew. And he was just like, yeah, he was like, what are you up to? And I was like, I think we should try to get Maraz on the show. You told that to Douglas? Yeah, I said that to Douglas.

And what did he say back? I don't know. I wasn't, I was, he was, he was on mute. Okay. So I was just, I was just ranting and raving. It was like a note to self. What do you mean, it's a phone call? Yeah, I called him and he put the button on mute.

And I was like, Douglas, are you there? And I couldn't hear anything. And I was like. And then you said what? We should get Maraz on the podcast. Interesting. And then you said it. Yeah.

It was just, yeah. Crazy coincidence. But also crazy is, I guess what you, your interaction with your cousin, Douglas. Yeah, Douglas is strange. So yeah, it would be me, you, Maraz. And then. Well, you have a mutual friend. I mean, I just imagined he knows Gattie.

And you went to, you went to Jewish elementary school and summer camp with Gattie. Yeah. We actually had, we took an art hoog. Hoog is like what we call activities in Jewish summer camp. And how did Gattie enjoy the art hoog? Yeah. Gattie was in the hoog and like it was me. It was my buddy Rami, Jesse, Ofer, and then Gattie.

Nia, just somebody that I used to know. Yeah. So he would, he would sing that while he was doing art. Even then? Yeah. He was doing that. I guess it's a melody that was always in his head. Yeah.

Somebody. Yeah, exactly. So we were like gluing elbow macaroni on construction paper. That's been wild. And I was like Gattie. Wild. Or we didn't even call him Gattie back then. Right.

We called him. Yeah. What's his real name? His name is Shlomo. Shlomo? Yeah. Shlomo McCauley. Wow.

Cool. I love it. And then he goes by Gattie now and he does know Maraz. Yeah. We get both of them on. Gattie and Maraz. Yeah. And then me and you would be the two.

Yeah. I honestly wouldn't even care if you were here or not. If it was just you, Maraz and Gattie. Yeah. And even if Maraz wasn't here, if it was just me and Gattie. And actually, to be perfectly honest, I don't even need to be here. What are you describing? Gattie.

I think. Hosting our show. Yeah. Like a spin-off episode that becomes the new podcast. A different podcast. Not even. Oh, this podcast? We retire.

Gattie is the new host. So we do one episode, me, you, Maraz, Gattie. And then we drop off one by one. So the second episode is me, you, Gattie. No. Or me, you, Maraz, Gattie. Why do you think you are around? The second option I gave you was you, Maraz, Gattie.

Huh? I didn't even want to be there. And then what? Sorry, man. And then what? And then it's Maraz and Gattie. And then the fourth and final episode, the transition is complete. The podcast is then hosted by Gattie.

That was written by Nicky Richards. I really liked it. Yeah. I liked the parody. What was that even a parody of? Wasn't it a Jason Maraz song? We should have Maraz on the show. I was saying that earlier.

Yeah. To who? It doesn't matter. That's awesome. Yeah. Let's start the show. Okay. This is a very spooky episode.

After Halloween. We're recording this on Halloween Eve. All Hallows Eve. All Hallows Eve. No, it is Hallows Eve. Yeah, it's October 31st. Yeah. You had the bright idea first time in a while to record half the episode before Halloween.

Yeah. So right now the palpable excitement and energy you're hearing is because we're ready. We're almost ready to go out for Halloween. We are going to party. We're going to rage. We're going to. You love Halloween. I do.

I have never, ever in, I think 10 years had a Halloween where I didn't have sex. Wow. So I'm pretty excited. 10 for 10. Yeah. I love that. Pretty cool. That's a good streak.

It's a decent record. Yeah. I will admit. How many of them was just you masturbating in a phone booth? All of them. Okay. So. Oh.

So not. Right. So all of them. I've never had sex on Halloween. But I always come. You always come. And then just to finish your idea, we'll do the first half of the episode tonight. Go to break.

When we come back, it'll be after Halloween. Right. So our break will be like nine hours of getting shit faced and dancing. And then we'll do the second half, Sunday, November 1st, release the episode Monday, November 2nd. And who knows what the, what's going to happen on part two of this podcast. We are going definitely going to be hung over. We're going to sound different.

Yeah. I'm going to sound sick again. I'm going to be like, I'm so excited and happy right now. I wonder if I'll be sad and miserable afterwards. Probably. Yeah. You'll feel nauseous and like dehydrated. Yeah.

And I'll have made a lot of bad mistakes. Yeah. Everything. And I'll hate myself. Yeah. That'll be fun. Yeah. Let's talk about these people.

This is, what is this show? This is, If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jason Moraz. And me and Katya. We get emails from people who are in difficult places seeking our guidance. That email address, if you have your own questions, is if I were you show at gmail.com. I found a good one to start us off. All right. We can get into it.

Let's get right into it. We need a guy's name. We're going to give this email, really email from real people, fake name, to preserve their anonymity. Do you have, what about your costume? Yeah. I was going to say your costume. Oh, that's a good one.

Your costume is Mario. Did I tell you my joke for my costume? I guess anytime you meet somebody, you say, oh, it's your name. And they'll be like, oh, I'm Allison. What's your name? And you say, it's a me. No, no, no. Oh, Amirio.

No. It's Amir. Mario. So they'll be like, oh, they won't know that I said that. It's Amir. Yeah. Mario. It's Amir.

Mario. Oh, they'll just think you did a bad Mario. Yeah. They'll think that my Italian, it's a me, has an R at the end for some reason. You didn't want to dress up as Luigi. Well, it's just that I have a thing that I do. Which is what? I dress up as a cat every year.

I've been a black cat. This will be the seventh year in a row. I believe unless it's six. I don't know if I'm giving myself too much credit. I think, but I think I'm 30 now. It's either six or seven. And you want to do it nine years or is that just the thing that I made up? No, I want to do it nine years.

And then retire it. Yeah. And then you could do Luigi. Right. Because you had a must. Mario and Luigi costume for us would be perfect. Yeah, the mustache. But I shave my mustache now.

I just wish I was a little shorter and fatter. Me too. All the time. Mario. Mario writes, I found myself in a bit of a strange streak. I'm 24 years old and I say I'd go out often and occasionally meet girls. The last four girls I've met, three of them drunkenly at bars and one of them from Tinder all had a similar quality.

I totally hit it off with them at the bar or club. They've asked me to go back to their place. We start making out and they stop me and say, you're going to hate me, but I'm a virgin and I'm not going to sleep with you tonight. Don't get me wrong. Everyone's free to do what they want and I'm not passing judgment. But why invite me back to your place if you're not going to fuck? And secondly, what vibe am I giving off to meet girls who want to take me home but don't

plan on sleeping with me? Sincerely, Mario. Alright. Interesting. Mario wants to be a pimp daddy. Mario wants to fuck. Yeah. Mario wants to fuck.

So I guess the vibe that he's giving off is that he's a nice guy. Unfortunately, that's not necessarily true. He's not attracting the ladies that don't care to make you work for it a little bit. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not attracting people that are looking for one night's dance, which I guess he wants. But he's acting like the MO is a pure defeat. I'd say MO is in the grand scheme of things, 85% of the way there to having sex.

Yeah, I mean, it's not that common to make out and be invited back to someone's house. It means they like you. It means they think you're cool. It means they think you're nice. More importantly, they trust you enough to let you into their house. Yeah. And then he's sort of, I mean, I understand that he issued some caveats and he's saying I'm not trying to pass judge him, but like he's being a little bit of an asshole that

he's like the be all end all is us fucking and like what the hell's wrong with you if we're not fucking. Yeah. And then it's like he's not even willing to give it a second shot. Yeah. It doesn't have to be. This isn't even a date yet. Right.

It doesn't. I don't know what the thing is of like being one and done. Like I gotta go first night. Yeah. Like two nights. It's very minimal effort for sex. Right. And like the timeline of your life, if you spend two or three nights with somebody and

you're a good person and you have sex, that's pretty, you know, that's a great ratio. That's a great percentage. That's a good conversion rate. That's a great conversion rate. That's exactly right. It's like someone bringing you back to their place. He's acting like he's looking for $10,000. Someone's bringing them back to their place and giving them like 43 cents.

By the way, like one of the things are not that great. So you're saying MMO is almost like not as good as sex, but like pretty darn close enough. Yeah. I mean, it's the build up. It's great. I think I've definitely had better sex with people that I knew at least slightly more than people that I didn't know at all. Wait.

Say that again? I've had better sex with people that I knew a little bit. Right. Than complete strangers at a bar. There's something fun about that too. Right. But it's not a complete loss. It's funny.

His email subject that I just read is 0 for 4. He's not even like, it's a loss. With that attitude, even if you're fucking you are a zero. I met a girl invited me back, made out. And you know what? This is a, it's interesting that they all say, you're going to hate me. That's what girls have to say. Yeah.

That's not true. Oh, you're going to hate me. Oh, I'm so sorry. I apologize. I'm not going to fuck you. I'm a villain because I'm going to fuck you. Yeah. And girls don't have to apologize.

Of course not. I'm not going to, I'm going to hate you. You're not going to hate me. You can just say, I'm not going to sleep with you. Right. And hey, and if you make a big deal, I'll hate you. Yeah. How's that?

And when somebody says that to you, the goal is to be like, what are you even talking about? Zero expectations. I don't even know why this came up. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. He's kissing. Yeah. Like you're going to hate me, but I don't want to fuck you.

Fuck you. So what am I doing here? You idiot. Why am I in the house if my text knock is going to go into you? You think I want to waste time licking your tongue? I could have done that at the bar. Jesus Christ, man. And then there's oftentimes an excuse.

Sometimes fraudulent. They'll say, I'm a virgin. They'll say, I'm on my period because a lot of times females feel bad for saying, I just straight up don't want to have sex with you. Yeah. And I think that's pretty normal just to be like, hey, I don't want your dick penetrating me tonight. Yeah.

That's the thing. Like a guy just has to stick his dick in a hole. That's easy. You'll do that anyway. A girl has to be like, I have to trust you enough so much that you will go inside of me. Yeah. Come inside of me. Well.

Or in a condom. Or in a condom, of course. Yeah. But you have to trust a guy to do that. And the fact that you can't develop that kind of trust in three drunken hours is pretty logical or practical. It's fair. It's fair.

But like at the same time, you'll never hear a guy being like, listen, lady, I know you want to fuck me. It's not going to happen. Yeah. That's a much more rare occurrence. But here's the other issue that I see with Mario. He's being a little bit of a wario. Oh, really?

I mean, let me tell you about this. He's a little bit of a wario in that he is, if he's like thinking about 0 for 4 and like how upset he is that he's not fucking when he's meeting these girls, like he's not thinking about having a fun time with the night. Yeah. You've got to be, you have to enjoy the journey. Not even on your horizon. You have to like, you're a ship on the ocean and there might be land in the front of you,

but like just enjoy the waves and the sunset on the water. Enjoy the journey, not just the destination. Yeah. Like let's just have fun with your boys, have fun with your girls, get to know somebody. If we have sex, like sex is going to be a byproduct of being a chill ass dude, right? Not being like, and sometimes guys that are really, really thirsty will get laid and I think that creates sort of a false perception of like, if I fucking am determined enough, if my heart is true, if that when you do have sex, your attitude can't even be that good

towards like he walks out and pumps his fist, but the record's still one for five. So it's like, I'm still losing. Yeah. If you, if you're keeping score than odds are, it's not in your favor. Yeah. Like, and this attitude only comes, like all I see is like three other dudes calling them the day after me, like how'd it go? Like, well, we made out, oh pussy, you didn't even fuck her while those three dudes went

home by themselves. Yeah. Yeah. What did you guys do? We went to the diner, bitch, but you only made out. So what vibe am I giving off to me girls? I feel like I have a similar vibe, which is kind of like the nerdy friendly look. I'm not attracting a super party ladies.

Yeah. And that's okay. I think he has to embrace that that he's honestly that he's attracting that he's attracting people that are like, you know, kind of, kind of wholesome that don't necessarily want to want to bone on night numero uno and like own that and just be like, Hey, yeah, I'm like, I take it slow too. It's like, let's go out again. Let's go out one or two more times and then you and then you'll have sex.

Yeah. You will have sex and then everybody wants to have sex. It's going to happen. You just have to develop a trust. You got to be chill about it. And then when it happens, don't upgrade your scoreboard. Yeah. Yeah.

Then it's not one or four while you're behind quit while you're behind. But when you like that as an earlier dude, like, isn't that maybe a phase you grow out of? Yeah, but I like numbers and like, I did. Yeah. There was a time I cared about numbers, but I never ever cared about like not having sex. Like if somebody's like, I don't want to fuck you.

I would be like, yeah, of course not. I wouldn't want to look at me. Yeah. I'm fine. That's what you say. I'm surprised he even let me. I'm like, definitely dirty. Great idea.

Good call. Like if somebody said they didn't want to fuck me, I was like, hell yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. You're smart. You did. You done good kid. You don't even want to just chill.

But like when I did have sex, I think I would like definitely catalog it and be like, there we go. Hey, my confidence was boosted. Right. But how often would you see that person again versus someone who's like, we're only going to make out? I think it was like 50% of the time. Right.

Like if I had sex with somebody on the first time, I don't know. I don't know how many repeats I've had. We got to go back to your catalog. Let me open up the Google doc. Yeah. What's a shared doc? I posted it on the Reddit. It's a Google drive.

It's a public shared. Are y'all on quip? Well, let me add you to this quip. Who here is on Slack? All right. Were you like that though? No, because when I was in my 20s and stuff, I was in relationships. I didn't have numbers.

I had just, I had love, I guess. Well, not really because love lasts then. Oh, so like if you break up with someone, then you're not, you were never in love. Then the relationship didn't matter and you learned nothing. So like at the end of any relationship that doesn't end in both of you on your deathbeds, that was, that's what I consider a zero. So it's not the making out. It's not the sex.

It's did I go the distance quote unquote and that distance, yeah, died together, holding each other as the Titanic stinks. Yes. You are the old couple on the bed. Then I'm over everything. Yeah. We all are. That's beautiful.

Only they had it. Jack and Rose. All right. Let's, I guess, yeah, we're at the 20-ish minute mark. I guess we should stop right now. We're gonna, I don't think we should do this because we have people coming over, but it would be funny to get drunk, get in our costumes and come in and do one question before we go out.

All right. Well, we'll consider that. We don't know if that'll happen. It's probably not gonna happen. Okay. So either that or we're gonna take a break right now. We're definitely taking a break. Yeah, that's happening.

And we'll be back on the other side. Will it be tomorrow? Will it be later? Will we be drunk? Will we be hungover? Only time will tell. I really wonder what's gonna happen. I feel, do you feel good about this night?

Yeah. Like you feel positive like this? I'm excited that my costume is comfortable. Yeah, that's always good. Like one time I dressed as a Rubik's Cube and I couldn't even walk. Yeah, that's no fun. Yeah. I'm dressed, I'm, that's the best part about the cat.

Oh yeah, sexy cat tonight though. Which is what? I wore, I'm wearing a tank top instead of a T-shirt like I have all the other years. Yeah. Well, actually two years ago I maybe wore a jumpsuit. Jumpsuit, jumpsuit. I want me in a bottle, bottle. Yeah, dizzy.

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It's 7 AM. Why didn't we decide to record now? It's so bright in here. It is the next day. It is November 1. Halloween is over. We've conquered it. Rabbit, rabbit, my friend.

I think we won. My Mario costume was I was the bell of the ball. I think you were a bell. I think my my gay ballerini cat was also a hit for pictures. You can see my Instagram. I have photos of me. I have photos of Jake. We snap.

Oh, we're snapchatting too. It's on our snapchat. Did you snap it? I snapped a little bit. I'm your bloom or Jake demand 85 snap it. But follow my shit. Yeah. Maybe you could snap right now.

That's a nice idea. Let me take a video of me talking while I tell you guys a funny joke I said at Halloween once. Okay. So I'm walking around. There's no video yet. It's okay. Okay.

Ready? Oh, yeah. Sorry. You can just tell the story. Yeah. Yeah. So it'll be like candid. I get it.

Okay. Ready? Yeah. So it's like I walked into this place who went to like a 90s dance party. Right? Mm hmm. And I'm wearing overalls and a red shirt and a Mario hat. Yeah.

Some guy goes Mario. I'm like, oh, thank God, you know who I am. I was afraid nobody would know. Like it was a subtle costume, my giant red hat. He's like, of course, Mario, right? I was like, yeah, yes. Oh, thank God. How did you, first of all, how was it for you?

I had. Because I saw you having a sour time for an hour and a half in the bathroom. I was, I got there sober as a night. Yeah. Yeah. Bone sober, they call it. And then yeah, I was trying to get everyone else to sober up by sort of intercepting drinks. Yeah, you would knock drinks out of my hand.

Be a little more responsible. Yeah. Are you going to Uber home? I had a New York Times there with sort of like there is news of a Russian jetliner that crashed in Egypt, killing everyone on board. Yeah. So I was trying to somber things. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. Just sort of saying like you guys are partying here in Los Angeles. Yeah. All the rest of the world burns. Right.

The DJ recognized us. And he's like, Jake and Amir in the house. And then you're like, yeah, can I actually get on the mic for a second? Yeah. And then you said, Wari, what's the celebration here? Yeah. I said, you guys are all Nero for this. What is that?

He's the, I think the Greek emperor, the Roman emperor that played his fiddle while the city burned. Oh, I see. So that's what we were to you. Yeah. But overall you had a good time. I had a great time. How do you feel today?

I feel, well, I mean, I guess it's 5.30 p.m. now. Yeah. So I feel good. I felt, I was pretty hungover this morning. What is a hangover like for you? Because I feel like it's a little bit different for everybody. Mine is very consistent within myself. Oh, like all of your hangovers are the same?

All of my hangovers are exactly the same. You have a stomach thing. Your stomach hurts, doesn't it? No, it's not a stomach. It's pure headache. Yeah. Like I feel so headache-y and dry and like dehydrated. Right.

And I like no sudden movements. You think that's unique to you though? Yeah. That's how everyone's hangovers are. Mine is, it starts with a headache in the morning and gets gradually better throughout the day. And then like one day, one moment in the day, it always just disappears for me. Like around 3 to 4 p.m. And that it going away feeling is amazing.

Yeah, there's nothing better than it just clearing out. Yeah. Like the storm clouds. Even better than being drunk is not being hungover anymore. There's always a moment too when I'm drinking and I'm like, oh, I'm going to be hungover. Where it's like 2 a.m. and I'm going to like very drunk and I'm like, I know I'm going to go to sleep within an hour or two. Yeah.

Why do you drink? Why do people drink when they're... That's the worst idea is drinking when you're drunk. You're already drunk. Right. Well, that's when you're making these dumb decisions. Right. Like, I'm going to get a shot for everything.

Yeah. Like the amount of alcohol that hasn't even reached my blood yet is like pretty great and now I'm just adding more. Yeah. It's like... It'd be nice if there was a switch that you could... Yeah. I used to set an alarm on my phone when I was going out that would go off at 1.30 a.m.

And then just drink water. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh. All right. Because like you... I know what... I don't know. You just don't really think of it, but you know that's a good move and then when you

see it, you're like, good job. Yeah. And you're still going to be drunk. You think... When you're drunk, if you see water, you're like, oh, that's just going to ruin my... That's going to end my night. Drinking water is so good. Like every time you'll see somebody else so hung over and they're like, how are you not?

Is this hung over? You drank as much as me. Yeah. Oh, actually I started drinking water. I switched to water. Huh. I switched to water for water. Yeah.

I actually invested in this new miracle pill. It's called water. I switched to water should be the slogan for this new water. What are your hangovers? I guess they're pretty similar to yours. It feels... I mean, just like feel very dehydrated, feel a headache, intense headache, and I'm really, really fuzzy.

Oh. Very fuzzy and slow. Can you eat? No. I want coffee and that's about it. Yeah. And then at like two or three when it's disappearing, that's when I become ravenous. Yeah.

That's when you just need salt bread. Yeah. All you want on is... Salt bread, cheese eggs. Yeah. Oh. Some salt cheese bread eggs. Maybe we're hungover.

Still. Just like talking about... Breakfast tacos. But yeah, it felt like it wasn't like, it was not the most epic night ever, but not a terrible night. Yeah. It's like a really solid Halloween. It was a solid dance party Halloween.

Yeah. And actually it was... I think it was a really great night. Yeah. It was a great night. It is funny, like just people, like that same exact night with nobody dressed up is not as fun. Yeah.

It's just like, this is more... I'm always dancing, but because I'm wearing a Mario costume, it's more fun. Shouldn't it be... Like every weekend should be Halloween. I guess that's like part of the fun of just like dressing up before you go out in general. Right. But it's like... Yeah.

Like what if I just wore my Mario costume on like February 9th? That'd be great. Yeah. I'd like to go to an Italian restaurant for lunch, specifically an Italian deli. I just want to go alone to an Italian restaurant just as Mario, eat a lasagna by myself. You wouldn't be able to. You walk by. You start throwing shells at me.

You wouldn't be able to do it by yourself. People would... Oh, that's a fun idea. Yeah. Like a... What's... A flash mob type deal. Yeah.

Totally. Some kind of like weird prank, like a hidden camera show. Yeah. So you'll throw turtle shells at me and then maybe like banana peels. And then you jump on me. Yeah. Oh, you'll be Yoshi. Yeah.

I was imagining being a Koopa Troopa. I see. I was trying to kill you. You killed me. Yeah. Got it. Well, I could be Yoshi too. And now that you're no longer hungover, can you imagine drinking?

If necessary, could you get drunk tonight? I guess if necessary, I could get drunk. I would have a beer. I might have a beer tonight. This is what it feels like when we do like three shows in four nights. Yeah. Like this is the second night type vibe or like we could rally. Right.

And we often do. We drink in us. And then it's like, okay, maybe we can have a little bit more. Yeah. Really? All I need to be prescribed is like a whiskey and a Drake song. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I'm back.

I'm back. I'm back to back. Speaking of shows, you know, we have three shows coming up in November. Yeah. And it is November. Yeah. Holy shit. The shows are in like two weeks.

Less than that. Less than. November 10th. We're at Muhlenburg College. November 11th. We're in Philadelphia at the helium comedy club. We just found out that 18, 19, 20 year olds can come. Yeah.

If they bring, if they bring someone that's 25 and older. And a 25 or older person can bring up to five people, I think they said. So I feel like between the people that have already bought, because we've sold like 75% of the tickets already. And we guaranteed those people are 21 and over. Right. So if you buy tickets and you're 18 to 21, odds are you could find someone in line. Well, didn't you ever do that for rated R movies or like, hey, can I just walk in with

you? Because you have to be like accompanied by a 17 year old or over. Totally. You could do that. And if like have an older brother or a parent that can just like walk in with you then leave to. Yeah. I mean, there's definitely, at this point, I would say like this is an 18 and over show.

I mean, just find a 25 year old to bring you in. That's not that hard. That's not that hard. That's going to be a good show. That's going to be our first live podcast in Philly. And what's else is going to be an insane show is this Brooklyn show the next night, which is already sold out weeks ahead of time. So excited.

I hope coming. And that's not even including the list of 30 people we have to bring. I know. I've got to get those Rosenberg boys in. I like you. Yeah. Big bear. Baby bear.

Baby bear. Fuck. It's your boy. I was going to mention that just their podcast because I was listening to it the other, I was listening to it yesterday or two days ago when I was driving to Santa Barbara. To innovation. It's so funny. They are.

They're reaching a rhythm. They're getting into a rhythm. They, their show's got better structure than, I mean, we're on a fucking tangent. We haven't answered the question yet. Right. Their show is structured. It's funny. Dave is, I, he's, he's, he's, he's having delusions of grandeur.

Oh yeah. He's like, we thought he was confident before he even had a podcast. And now that he has a somewhat successful one, Carnell can't quite even rein him in anymore. Dave's, Dave's head is in the clouds. It's amazing. If you've listened to the show, you know what you're talking about and if not, check out, I think the last three episodes is a good way to like catch up on everything you

need to know. Yeah. It's Dave, Jeff and Mike, Carnell, all childhood friends of each other and Jake's. And the premise of the show is coming up with schemes, dreams, hustles and business ideas. Some of them are not even business ideas. Some of them are creatures. I mean, I don't want to spoil it too much. I don't want to spoil the no episode.

Yes, I am no or no, I am out. My favorite thing is just when Dave says folks, all right, folks, just reading the pitch off his iPhone. That's right, folks. He's a snake oil salesman, although that's giving him too much credit because snake oil would be the greatest idea he's ever thought of. We should go on their show when we're in New York. Yeah.

Oh, this is, I'll pitch this idea to you, I have right now live, rather than like, well, we'll go on their show and then we release it as an episode of our podcast, almost like a spin off thing. Whoa. So it's like episode, that episode on Monday, whatever, we do like a two minute intro. And then we say this, the following is not an episode of, if I were you, it's an episode of Twin Ovation. It's sort of like.

Wow. That's real. That's promotion. Yeah. It's forcing people who didn't actually know about their show to listen to it. Exactly. All right. I have to think on that.

Yeah. That's fair. I don't know if it's a good idea, which is why it's perfect for the show. I have a great idea for a Twin Ovation up when you get on there. Yeah. I've got two. I'm trying to decide which one. Actually, I have two ideas and one scheme, but I don't think I can pitch all three.

Real quickly, we also have shows in December in the Northwest of here in San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, or Vancouver. Tickets are for sale. All the ticket links are at ifirishow.com. Come check us out. We were talking about podcasts. I just wanted to mention that we have a bunch of new shows on the Head Gum Network. Truth.

We have a fantasy basketball podcast now. Oh, shit. I should look at my fantasy basketball too. You're in it. Yeah, dude. You're doing a fantasy sport for the first time ever. I have my trades about to go through. Commissioner Tim Baltz, UTK, who was on our episode a couple of weeks ago is in it.

Jake is in it. Rick Fox, Kristen Ledlow, and a bunch of other funny comedians and friends of the family. So if you're at all interested in the NBA, fuck, I'm gonna lose my matchup this week, dude. It's gonna be a fun listen. What are you losing right now? What's the score? I'm losing.

It's 3-6. Uh-huh. I'm winning in ... All right. This is it. You've become this kind of guy. Free throw percentage. Uh-huh.

I'm gone. Yeah. Three points made. Uh-huh. Lost. Sure. Points, dude, fucking destroyed me. Yeah.

I'm going to think of it. I haven't started anybody since Tuesday. The only thing I'm beating him on are assists, locks, and field goal percentage. Well, you shouldn't have had the draft strategy of drafting only white people from UConn. You only drafted white basketball players from UConn. Not true. You're your own shepherds and your fantasy team. Jake Foschkel and your own ...

Yeah. All right. We should answer some questions. Fair enough. Meyers Leonard is the fucking problem. Yeah. You drafted Meyers Legend and he's been anything but since you picked him up. I am dropping this little bitch, dude.

Why don't we give this guy an Australian dude a name, a fake name. Do you want to do Halloween theme or you want to do maybe Australian basketball player? Did you pick up Della Vadova on your team? I did not. Deli, I don't think he's actually any good. Well, he's playing all right now because frigging your boy Kyrie Irving has hurt. All right. Well, we'll see.

Deli writes, I'm a 19-year-old male from Melbourne and last night I went to the Strip Club as a lone wolf for the first time after a long tiresome day. I ended up talking to this 25-year-old smoke show for a couple hours and our conversations would revolve around things like life goals, dating lives, issues with our current generation, etc. And everything was going quite swimmingly. Afterwards it got pretty late and I told her I had to leave soon as I had a uni exam the next day.

She then told me that she enjoyed our conversation and was intrigued by my modesty and friendly personality since apparently her typical customers can't hold up a proper conversation and simply just want a lap dance anyway. I felt like it would be rude if I left without getting a lap dance from her since strippers there have to pay for their work rather than being given an actual wage, so I ended up getting a private lap dance. However, at the end when I was about to leave, she told me to add her on Facebook and told me her full name.

I added her later that night and today she accepted my friend request but neither of us has initiated a conversation yet. Now my question is, what do you think her intentions are? Is it just a business thing and she wants another dude to be a loyal customer of hers? Or does she actually have pure interest in me? Should I message her on Facebook first? She did mention at one stage that she would date a 19 year old but so I'm not exactly sure what that was implying, hence why I'm writing you this email anyway looking forward

to hearing your sound advice kind regards Matthew Delevedova. Okay, Deli. Mmm, dude went to a strip club. I feel like this is a weird thing that almost all guys have which is this desire to date a stripper but then when you actually come close, you're such heavy skepticism about it and such reservation but you dive head first into trying. Yeah, you might as well try. The breakthrough connection conversation that happens at a strip club I think happens all

the time. Right. Always are like, oh, I'm like not like the other guys. No. I don't come to strip clubs. Yeah. I'm just here right now. And then you always have the hope you're like, I know she's paid to flirt but I feel

like she's actually into me. Yeah, is that possible? Like I know, yeah, they're all flirty with everyone but I'm not like a gross weirdo. I'm like a normal dude who came to the strip club by myself. But there is a chance. She did give him her full name. I think that's the rate. They did tell her to add him on Facebook and she accepted the friend request.

Yeah, I think that this stripper probably avoids real life connections with people that she gives lap dances to. It would be one thing if she had a Facebook fan page or a Twitter or something. I don't know. I imagine that strippers would have to go to lengths sometimes hence having fake names to avoid a real life connection. Exactly. Because guys can be weird.

So does strippers have like, is it when you get a haircut at a salon and somebody gives you their card and like, you know, we can do this outside the business hours, I can just come over and give you a haircut. Strippers do that? Is that like a thing where it's like, oh, now I have your direct line. I don't have to go to the strip club, you can just come over and give me a lap dance and leave. Well, I think that exists where it's like, oh, if you like dancing with me at the strip

club, you can pay me to fuck you. You know, last week, I got a massage for the first time. Oh, that's right. That app. Yeah. It's like Uber where you click a button and someone comes over and gives you a massage. We'll advertise on our podcast. Right.

That's why I don't want to say their name yet. Yeah. But it was great. And I'm wondering, could you do that with lap dances? What's the legality of somebody just coming over and dancing on you? I mean, that happens all the time. That's like what bachelor parties are, right? Right.

So like what's to stop? Like why? Is there an illegal thing about having to go to a strip club? Does it have to be zoned for lap dancing? Like is there a structural integrity that has to be met? You can order dancers to come to your house. Can you? Well, I thought that's what bachelor parties are.

I need like a seamless web, an Eat24, a Grubhub, a ChowNow for lap dances. Not that I would use it, but I feel like that would be a good thing to have. Like you press a button and then... It's a good idea, but do you want to be the guy that invokes it? Because you'd have to like go to VC meetings and like, who's money are you? You know when chicks are all up dry? I don't like it. You're a Tucker Max of yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. Is it legal? One. Two. I feel like people would use it. And three, if I was a millionaire because of it, well, would I tell people? That was...

Do you remember when we hung out with the Bang Bros guys? Right. Those guys like a long time ago had started like a link dump site for porn and they realized like how much more money they could make if they produced it. Right. And they were like in dental school when they were doing it. Yeah. And they were like, so...

It's not illegal. No. It's just like, do we want to be the guys that make a shitload of money off of porn? And ultimately, they did. Yes. At least they did it well. Imagine doing it and not succeeding. Right.

Like you pay to make porn and then like nobody watched the porn that you made. Yeah. That happens. It's interesting. I feel like if you make porn, everyone will watch it. It's a pretty easy way to get a viral video. Has there been in this American life about the porn industry? Because I'm really confused about like, I make a porn, like how does it not just get

lost amongst the infinite free porn? Like how do I get paid for my porn? Yeah. Like do you think, since you're sort of a connoisseur, do you think you could produce a porn that is so premium that people would pay for it? Definitely. Rifling through your notebook. I mean, right off the bat, I have this like, well, I've got the domain.

Fuck me. Finally. Right. That's somebody else took that. Well, me and him are going to go. What would your niche be? Like high def, high res, 60 frames per second. I mean, I guess like, definitely.

There is a difference between premium porn and free porn, right? Yeah. But my stuff would be, it wouldn't be like a gimmick like that. Like, oh, I shoot it all. Like, I don't know. You know, it would just, it would be subtle little things in my porn. Don't trivialize it by saying, yeah, I'll shoot it on a better camera. It's not just about the camera.

Yeah. I mean, I would shoot it. No guy noises. That's what, that's number one. Right off the bat. Isolated audio tracks. You get to choose. I mean, I'm telling you, these girls, they'd be wearing laughs.

Yeah. Somewhere. You know, I can hide them. I can hide them in the cleavage. I can get a boom operator, a fluffer. I just don't want to hear the fucking guy. You mean like the guy groaning? Yeah.

Oftentimes, like when you're watching like POV porn, especially say doggy style where somebody's mouth is facing away from the mic and a guy is holding a camera and his mouth is really close to the mic. Yeah. There's a lot of man noise to the point where occasionally somebody masturbating to said video may mute the video and play another video in the background. Wow. A different girl moaning.

Yeah. So you don't have to deal with the guy noise. A dual sensory trisorectomy. It's the art of convincing yourself you're nutting to the actual audio of the video that you're dealing with. Of course. And I think there is. But it's true.

It's how you get people to buy your porn. Yeah. I don't understand how it would work. You'd have to make a lot of effort. But all of the porn sites are like owned by three different companies. And do they charge? Yeah. They charge.

But also I read that a lot of these porn sites that charge like browsers or reality kings. Sure. All that stuff. They also own their own tube sites. So they're giving it away for free on the side. Yeah. But like they're shorter shorter videos.

Oh. So like a 12 minute video which you know gets most people off. But every once in a while somebody is like you know what I want to see the 40 minute version. Yeah. Then they pay for it. And I'm not adjusted. I'm not just about to watch this 12 minute video three times and call it a day.

I need to watch 40 minutes of original context. Exactly. So what would you say to this guy who wants to date a stripper? What? Yeah. I it sounds like you should just message her. Yeah. What's the worst?

Why don't you not set an expectation? Why don't you say I'm going to see where this goes. Whether it's a client thing or a business thing or a friend thing or an actual romance thing. He's doing a lot of speculating before he even like sends the first message. Stop speculating. Start masturbating. That's an interesting, interesting idea.

So you masturbate then you message her. Then you're clear of a sexual conscious mind. I know. You're thinking clearly lucidly about what you need to say. Just call, brah. Now that TextJake.com is closed, can you give this guy a suggestion about an opening message to send to this stripper? Her name, exclamation point, which is something I almost always start out text with.

That means you're excited and you remember their name. And their name makes you excited. So like say her name is Kristen. Would you say her real name or her stripper name? Real. Perfect. Don't use the stripper name again. Kristen.

Exclamation point. Yeah. It's me, Deli. Perfect. We met last night. I forget where, but it was fun too. That's good. It was fun getting to know you.

Yeah. It's a good joke. Yeah. Then it's like you're winking at the stripper thing, but you're not ashamed of it and you're not necessarily bringing it up. Yeah. That's like that's off the top of my dome. Yeah.

So you know. There it is for free. There you go. All right. He's going to memo for you. Five bucks. No, no, no. He'll do that.

You might. Well, once we start this, the lap dance to go app. Oh yeah. What do you think? Oh, lap app. Lap app. I mean, you should have saved it for tuneration. Shit.

Me. F. Fuck it. All right. That was, yeah, this is, that's it. What can we say? Go for it. Don't, don't, you don't have to psych yourself out before anything happens.

Walk into this thing with an open mind. Maybe you'll like her. It's possible. Yeah. You would date a stripper, I feel like for sure. Cool. That was our two, two parter within one episode, episode, a little before and after. We had fun.

I think, I think it worked out well. It was a nice Halloween. Um, the, if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, we start and end every episode with original theme song submissions. The opening one was from Nicky Richards. Remember the ukulele lady from Canada? Oh yeah. The day somewhere has.

Exactly. That was yesterday in our hearts. Interesting. But just 40 minutes ago in our minds. The ending one is by Mitchell and it's an arctic monkeys parody. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, Facebook thumbnail submissions, all of it goes to if I were you show at gmail.com. If you live in the cities where we're, where we're going to come do our live shows, we'll

see you soon. If not, we'll be back on the airwaves next week. How's that sound? Perfect. Toda, happy Halloween. Happy November. See you guys soon. Adios.

That was a hate gum podcast.