If I Were You - 183: Filet-o-Fish (w/Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: November 9, 2015

Friend and comedian Billy Scafuri joins us to discuss McDonalds, semen, and fighting.This episode is brought to you by Unroll.Me, ClubW, and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Yes, let that last note hang. Matt. Dude, let it ring. Matt Bogdenow is the guy who wrote it. Billy Ski-Fury is the guy who's in our studio. Bogdenow just wailed. Yeah.

I did. Damn. You think he did that in a studio? I think. We should have Bogdenow on the podcast. You haven't yet? Get out of here, Billy. Make room.

Just call me Billy Bogdenow for the rest of the episode. Cool. Did I pronounce your last name correctly? Skafury. Yep, hard U, Uri. Skafury. Yep. Skafury.

Let's all say it together. Skafury. Perfect. Thanks, Jake. Scaffolding. That's right. William Scaffoldy. You do come from a scaffolding empire.

Is that correct? That's right. Yeah. And whatever empire you come from, you were named for. Yeah. For example, my empire was the Blumenfelde, the orange-german, the flower field. Wow. Very interesting.

That sounds like a cocaine empire. Yes, it was a cocaine empire. I was going to say I'm also a butterfly. Why? Yeah. Why would you say that? Not why are you that. Why would you say that right now?

Billy, you're a comedian. Yes. You're also the host of the Fantasy Football Podcast on our head gum network. Two for two. I'm here. What else have you done? How else would our fans know you? Or not know you?

I imagine that many of them don't know me. It's a big world out there. But for those who do, it's probably through Harvard Sailing Team, my sketch comedy team. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was a big one. Yeah, we've been together for like 11 years. And we've kind of performed at colleges and stuff and online and all that nonsense.

One of the rare internet teams that predates Jake and me. Really? Yeah, I think so. How old are you guys? I am 41. Okay, you? Nine. Okay, great.

This is going to be a complicated question to figure out. But Harvard Sailing Team just turned 11. That's definitely old for a comedy team. We did a sketch up after five years. About five years ago, we did a sketch in New York where we were an audience. We played an audience at a Melissa Etheridge concert who didn't know the words to our songs, but they were still kind of into it. To celebrate Harvard Sailing Team's 11th anniversary, we're going to a Melissa Etheridge concert

at Morongo this Saturday. Wow. Wait, wait, whoa. You guys all still hanging out together. Oh, we're still best friends. Yeah. Casino Morongo? Never been there before, but we're going to see Etheridge.

We're buying the t-shirt. Nine Etheridge t-shirts clumped together. Where is Casino Morongo? It's like Near Palm Springs, right? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, you always try Casino Morongo to get to Vegas. Yeah.

But we're going to go to this kind of second rate motel to see first rate Melissa Etheridge. We won't know her words. Just like the sketch we did. Oh, go cry. And also, come to my window. That real bass voice Melissa Etheridge. Yeah. Yeah, that lower octave.

Oh, that's great. But then it's great songs. But yeah, that's better. But a concert, it's like 25 songs. Right. I think a couple of years ago I went to a lit concert. And that's like fucking dope. Nice.

Like my own worst enemy. Yeah. Totally. The other one that they have. My own worst enemy. You make me come. You know that one? You make me complete.

Yeah, you make me completely miserable. Completely miserable. Yeah. Great lyrics. But they do only have those two songs. Every song should do a band sharing program with other songs where they play their hits and then the hits of other like bands. Right.

Lit could have covered like some 41. Some 41 or 82. Yeah. Any band that has the first idea. No, they could not cover Blinks. Blinks. Blinks. There is but one more tone.

Yeah. They're not part of the band exchange. Don't. But if like Melissa Etheridge started singing like Till the Sun came up over Sam. I was going to say Shale of the Crow too. Yeah. Perfect. Same thing.

Yep. Got a McLaughlin in there. Absolutely. Lisa Loeb. Yeah, sure. I guess not really embarrassing. But I guess it was at the time. My favorite song when I was like a 12 year old Jewish boy.

Imagine me four foot two, mushroom haircut, big glasses, bad teeth, skin fine for now. Loving the shit out of Sophie B Hawkins as I lay me down to sleep. No, as I lay me down. Yeah. You like that song too. I mean you still like that. I still love it. Your music taste has not changed.

Your music taste has not changed. That is you. But why? What do I love? Not only did I love that song, I bought the CD, which was just that song. Oh, you bought the single. Yeah. I bought a single CD.

I grew up the same adolescent as you. And mine was, I think his name was Edward Hawkins or something. But his song was. And I'll be your shining horror. Edward Sharp. Edward Sharp. Yeah. Is that who it is?

No, I don't know. No, Edwin Sharp. Edwin. I'll be your, I'll be. The time of your life. I love suicide. And I've been a rocker. Me and my high school girlfriends, like that was our song.

Sure. And every time that song came on, we just like hold hands in the car, you know, loved it. Edwin McCain. Edwin McCain. McCain. John McCain's nephew. We were in the car and that song came on. We were like, we'd been fighting and that song came on.

And I just like slammed the radio off. I was like, that's the coolest thing anyone's ever done. Our song is over. Yeah. Everybody, if you're 18 and under, you have a song with a girl. Of course. And then you no longer have songs, right? No, I have songs.

Really? You still have a song? Yeah. You still have songs? I do not have songs anymore. Yeah, I don't have songs anymore. I was a much more fragile person, sub 18, where like a song would just like shoot off so many emotional fireworks.

And it was like, you know the one person who did that to me? Adele, like three years ago. Yeah. She was just like, I was in a perfectly healthy relationship. I'm still in that same relationship. But hearing those songs, I was questioning everything. Everything. Have you heard her new song?

Yeah. It's really intense. She's, she just really, she puts you in a place that you don't need to be in a relationship. She makes you question things that aren't there. She's probably responsible for more breakups than, I don't know. But she's also responsible for like getting, I wonder if there's stats out there for that. Adele versus Iwo Jima. There's got to be some sort of Tumblr.

Adele versus Iwo Jima. Why the domain now? Yeah. I don't care if this episode is sponsored by Squarespace or not. That domain's available. Adele versus Iwo Jima. Use our coupon code. Get creative.

So Billy, I don't know if you know, but this is an advice podcast. Yes. Jake and I actually have the world's only advice podcast hosted by each other. The first and only. Yeah. The first and only Jake and Amir advice show podcast. There are no other Jake and Amir podcast out there? None.

Okay. Especially not advice podcast. That's right. Very specific. Yeah. Two guys named Jake and Amir from the football. Yeah. From the NFL have a podcast, but it's not advice.

Well, we started the fantasy football podcast and I'll keep this brief. I didn't know what the goal was. The goal now is to unite Jake and Amir, you two, with Jake and Amir, the running backs for the Detroit Lions. Oh yeah. I mean, people on our, wait, did we ever talk about our podcast? No, we haven't. The two running backs for the Detroit Lions names are Jake Bell and Amir Abdullah.

Correct. Their names are Jake and Amir. I don't know what the four of you would do when you're in the same room, but that's a picture we need to take. Yeah. That's just the world's colliding. It's us versus them. Yes.

And there's like a weird chance that we're in a weird way, like have more like internet famous than like Joic Bell and Amir Abdullah. Definitely more Twitter followers. 100%. Because they're not, they're professional athletes. And despite them being more important than they are, but we have more online presence. Yeah. Correct.

Correct. I'd rather be with Joic and Amir than Jake and Amir for what that's worth. But if it was, if you were like having to choose the best two running backs in the NFL, they might not even be in the top 30. No, definitely not. And neither would me and Jake. Hey, don't, don't, don't trash talk because they may listen to this episode. Well, they wouldn't be in the top 30 because they'd be in the top two.

Yes, dude. I love that. They would be the top. No, that would mean that they're in the top. Just don't question it. Just don't. The logic totally works. What if you were going to be stranded on a desert island?

Would you rather be with Jake and Amir, us? Yeah. I'd rather be with Jake and Joic. Really? Yeah. I love that. Joic Bell and Jake Hurwitz. Jake and Joic.com.

Just a little remix of the combinations, if possible. Yeah. We probably, we, we, that's a good combo. I think the three of us would have a good time. Yeah. We would. But you guys have a podcast and it's about advice. Yeah.

Yeah. So this is an advice show. We're getting real emails from real people to, if I were to show at gmail.com, we're going to read a couple of them. Try to advise them out of their sticky situations. But what we need from you, William Scaffolding, is fake names to preserve their anonymity, because we don't want to out them in the real world. Happily.

Yeah. Happily. So this, this is just a guy dating a girl. Okay. Asking him to love her. This is Pat Happily. And he is Happily Pat. At gmail.com.

Pat Happily, which is Pat Castle's nickname. Pat Happily writes, Hey guys, I have an interesting problem. I started dating my smoke show of a girlfriend four months ago and things have been perfect despite my being away at school. No fighting. We get along amazingly. And the sex is incredible. The problem started a week ago when I jokingly said something about masturbating before I came back to school

and she said that she wanted me to wait so that the sex would be better. Now, normally I try to rub one out a few hours before we would have had sex to try to increase durability, but I saved up anyways. And when I came home, she was right. The sex was awesome. The problem is with the week long buildup of semen, there was quite a lot when it came time for me to explode on her chest. Much to my surprise, she loved this and now wants me to stop masturbating entirely to maximize the amount of cum for the next time. The problem is I kind of masturbate a lot like once every other day and saving up for a week is incredibly difficult,

let alone a month. Should I tough it out and make it more enjoyable for her? And if not, how do I tell her that I refuse and need to keep jerking it? On a real note, you guys are the best. Thank you so much for being that little beacon of light that helped turn the shittiest of days great. And you have helped me and so many other people out in so much more ways than you know. I really needed to insert that last one. Wow, that was just for us.

He didn't even write that part. Toad, I love Pat Happily. Happily, Pat. There's a lot of things in there. There's a lot to unpack. There's a lot of cum to unpack. Jake and I found this question about an hour before you got here and then we got to doing a little bit of light research. Is your nutsack like a water balloon at a sink that will just grow infinitely the less you masturbate?

What a visual. What a perfect visual. Is there a maximum? He was in a room with a sketchbook for an hour. I think he was diagramming that thought. At a certain point, if you waited three days versus six days versus a month, this lady thinks it'll just grow and grow until your body is just... You just had boons with those weird red butts that hang out.

Yeah, she thinks your entire body will overflow and cum if you never masturbate. Don't you see that happening to dogs? Like dogs with huge ass nuts that aren't... I don't know, maybe it just happened in Van Wilder. Yeah, maybe I'm just thinking about a dog with huge nuts. Or does semen replenish after a day and then it plateaus after that? Now, I'm no scientist, but I think... You answer every question like that.

Just to keep all of my answers safe. I asked you what the date was when you walked in. And I'm no scientist, but I think it might be November 5th. But I'm no scientist. That's wrong. I think that's why wet dreams exist. The wet dream? I have no explanation why the wet dream happens.

So a wet dream is when your body is so overloaded with semen, it tricks you, it's like, let's wait till he falls asleep. Exactly. It's like water coming out of a hole in a dam. It seeps out of your belly button or your dick. Do you know where it comes out of? So if you turnicate your dick, it'll just leak out of your nose when you're asleep. It's called orifice replacement surgery.

I feel like it's a real issue that you don't know which hole you come out of. Amir is very confused in the whole blowing your nose process. He thinks that it's an orgasm every single time. Like when you sneeze, it's a little bit one-eighth of an orgasm. That's actually a good, a pretty good theory is like when you don't masturbate, you... Your body masturbates itself. We were talking about how amazing... You just sleep masturbate.

I mean, a wet dream, I guess you like... I think I like hump my sheets in what I'm having a wet dream. I wonder. That's another thing we talked about. Like how amazing would it be to see a time lapse of a guy tied up to his bed? So arm, arm, leg... I want to start. I want to start.

I want to start. You said that's another thing we talked about. How amazing would it be? Okay, this is my guy. I had nothing to do with this. This is your fantasy. This is my fantasy. Mish it out.

So this guy's tied to it. This is another thing that you talked about. Arm to top right, other arm top left, leg bottom left, other leg bottom right. He's an ex. Standard tie up. Right. We tell him not to masturbate for a month or two months. This is you and Jake.

Yes. I have nothing to do with this. I am extracting myself. Then he's naked. And then I want to see a time lapse of a wet dream where this guy is borderline possessed by a sexual demon. He's also been tied up for weeks. He'll get a boner and start ejaculating without touching anything.

It's just his eyes rolling back into his head and his dick would get hard and start splooching everywhere. It would have to happen. Right? What do you want me to say to you right now? You're freaking out. What do you need us to say to you? Spilling his coffee.

You're standing up. I want you to say, wow. I want you to... He's in the room. He'd be splooching everywhere. I want you to say that that would be a very amazing thing to see. A sight to behold. I'm no scientist.

I'd buy a ticket to the show. I'd come that one. You're not conducting the experiment. I'm down to be the guy, to be perfectly honest. Oh, really? Yeah. I would do it. So this is how it could work out.

Amir will tie you to the bed. He will play the scientist and I'll be the guy behind the window. And you're not a scientist. We've already established that I'm no scientist. Okay. So in the slight bit of research that we did, the main, I'd say 98% of the answers were about sperm because it's people looking to get pregnant. Can I masturbate and then impregnate my life?

Boring. I don't care about the science of it all. The fact of the matter is that the sperm accounts for a very small amount of the semen. Right. Yeah. And they said the sperm starts to replenish. We're talking to Jack. Yeah.

Right. Yeah, I'm talking. The sperm starts to replenish like 19 minutes after you come. Right. And it like after what it was like two or three days, you're back. Right. Your sperm count. Back at 100 and you can't go higher than that.

For sperm count. Yeah. Semen, it was a harder Yahoo answer to get. Nobody knew what the fuck they were talking about. I mean, Yahoo answers, nobody knows what they're talking about anyway. That's half the joy. Nobody even cared about how much cum was coming out of their dick. Well, this is just from a Yahoo answers thread, which I can't stress is science fact.

How long does it take for your testicles to fill with sperm? That's the question. Pretty simple. The best answer was sperm takes several weeks to mature and then another person said it depends on the person and then somebody else said very little amount of the sperm meter wise is ejaculated. And then one of the person, which was my favorite eight years ago commented, who the hell knows this shit?

Thank you. Why did he sign up for an account to comment that? Who the hell does know this shit? That's the only real one. That's the only real one on the internet. Yeah. You've got to have a real scientist on this show, like a biologist that can talk to us about semen.

This is a simple experiment that people can do. Billy, are you a scientist? No, I'm no scientist. What else are you know? Just scientist. You are everything else. I'm just no scientist. That's why I bring it up so much because people expect me to have all of the answers.

I'm just no scientist. This is an experiment you can do at home. Well, I think I established that we're going to do it. Yeah, you're going to do it. Oh, I'm not talking about the time lapse wet dream thing. I'm talking about masturbating into a pub. That's a go phone me that you're going to have. Yeah, that's a different Indiegogo that I'm setting up.

God, that's a video podcast. That's a video podcast. I'm talking about masturbate once every six hours for a day. Right. Measure the volume. Okay. Masturbate once every 24 hours for a week. Oh, you're talking about, okay.

Then masturbate every two days. Is it twice as much as every day? Is it four times as much as every six hours? I don't know. I want to be advising the kids who listen to our podcast to be like ejaculating into vials. Well, it doesn't have to be a vial. It could be a measuring cup. I'll come home, clean up the bedroom.

Happily? Pat Happily. I saw this ejaculate. Mom, why do you call me by my last name? Well, you know what, mom? I am a scientist because this is me testing my hypothesis. That's me and each of these beakers. That's tiny little bit of me.

It's tiny little bit of you, mom. If you think about it, it's after your DNA. So you're making this weird right now, mom. You're the pervert. Where's your ejaculate, mom? Here's what I think this guy could do because I see that his girlfriend wants there to be like a lot of splooge, right? I don't think there's really a world where his girlfriend is like looking at her chest

and being like, oh, it's a little splooge short this week. You're a little shy. Yeah. Like just like, I wouldn't say that you didn't masturbate in the last three days. Right. Like you can, and there's no need to refuse the proposition because she's like, don't masturbate for an entire month and we'll see how good it is. I mean, can you imagine that?

I think if you just... That oil derrick explosion. If you're... If you enjoyed this, those will explode. If you can handle a week, I think he's gonna... I think he's good. Just a week and you don't have to refuse the girlfriend. It's a white lie.

Just abstain from masturbating for a week. It's a clear lie. That's what it is. What about the bigger issue of this girl telling this guy not to masturbate? Isn't that a baddie? Yeah, but I think that's more like... We have lots of girls that write in it tell their boyfriends not to masturbate. Why?

I think that's some subtext of a lot of relationships is like, let's not talk about it. I'd prefer if you were going to be sexual, be sexual with me. But not even by yourself. Yeah. I don't think anybody is that comfortable with the other person masturbating. Right. I've never had a girlfriend that was like, oh yeah, jerk off as much as you want. But I would never, ever share my masturbating habits with my significant other and be like,

am I masturbating too much? Right. Should I only be masturbating the pictures of you? That's just so private. Yeah. Sometimes it helps to have those little secrets. Yeah. Definitely.

And like when you're in a long-term relationship, masturbating is the last secret you have. Right. Like that's the last moment of solitude. You've had food poisoning and made much more disgusting visuals and yeah. It's your last little bit of corner of privacy. Right. Which is why I think it's okay to lie about masturbating. Like if it's something...

It's true she shouldn't care if he masturbates, but it sounds like she cares about it being like a mutually good sexual experience for both of them. Like if you don't... It's not like she's... But why is it better for her? But what if it's a power move? What if it's a power move? And she just wants to see what she can limit him to do.

Oh, so it's like don't do this thing. Yeah, just to see... Sacrifice. That's what she gets off on. Yeah, exactly. She masturbates to the thought of him not masturbating. She's a cuckold. She's just at home like flicking her bean at the thought of him reading a mad magazine

on a couch doing the fold and fucking gets her off. Well, mad magazines could still be pretty sexy. Yeah, the little space in between Alfred and Newman's front teeth. Just like imagine like Titty fucking that. If you fold that back page just right, you can see a nipple. The fat fold in is actually a dick. I think it's okay because she's not saying don't masturbate because you should only... I should be the only thing that makes you cum.

She's saying like don't masturbate so we can have like really intense sex. I think what she doesn't necessarily know is if he waited a month, the intense sex would last two and a half seconds. Yeah, so like let's... I think this guy knows his body well enough to be like tempering it like, okay, we can make the sex very intense, but I can also maybe have... I can have a little bit of a reserve. I don't need to have like a full overflowing reservoir or something.

I don't need 30 days. Can he just like masturbate every day and then take two days off? Probably. I'm curious what the difference between 30 and like call it four days off. Probably not. I want to see the line graph, the curve. Where does it plateau? Also to me, sex and masturbating, they're so different.

Then even if I was like masturbating every day for a month and then I got to have sex, I would still feel like it was very intense. Yeah, especially if you haven't had sex in a month. Yeah, a month, like masturbating and sex are totally different to me. I can have sex and then go home and masturbate. What did you once say the masturbating is what to a meal? Like sex is a meal and masturbating is shitting. That's how different they are.

That's not what I said though. No, I said if sex is a really good meal, what is masturbating? And then you said it's taking a crap. Did it? Because it feels good and then it's something to do with food. But it's not even like, it's not snacking by yourself. It's like the fish filet at McDonald's where it's like, yeah, you ate it and it was fine. And I guess it filled you up for a second.

But like 10 minutes later, you're like, why did I do that? Oh, masturbating is way better than a fish filet. Yeah, I've never gotten the fish filet. That was the wrong example. You really know a lot about someone if they've had the fish filet. That's true. Because it's not just getting a filet of fish. It's preferring it to every other thing.

Oh, I always get the filet of fish. Yeah. That's what you want. You go to McDonald's and you want this seafood. That trumps any label about that person. Any interesting quality about them suddenly goes out the window. I don't want a fried chicken sandwich. I don't want a quarter pounder.

If you like the filet of fish, I don't know if I've ever... I feel like if you like the filet of fish, you have to order it by yourself. How did you get there? How did you get to become that person? If all of us went to McDonald's and you're like, I'll get a Big Mac, I'll get chicken, I'll just get the filet of fish. Everyone would be like, hey, why'd you come with us to McDonald's? Get out of here, Greg.

You wanted seafood? You wanted a cod? Filet of fish is something you get alone in the drive through. What's in the batter? What's in your filet of fish batter? What's on the sandwich? Isn't it like a tartar sauce and a pickle? That's why people like it.

Hey, you know what, dude? After this, let's all go get filet of fish. I think I'd be violently sick if I had fish. We're going to tweet a picture, everybody. That's a great idea. Have you ever seen somebody order a filet of fish? I've been to McDonald's in a long time except when we went kind of during the smile time visit and I ate your fries.

That's right. But no, but if you guys all want to get filet of fish after this, I'm down. I'm on record right now saying that Billy Snowden's hat in the ring. He would eat a filet of fish if you guys see a filet of fish. Have you ever had a filet of fish? Never in my life. Have you ever had a filet of fish? No.

Have you ever had a McRib? I have one bite of a McRib. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten in my whole life. That's funny because I love the McRib. It's so fucking fun. Is the McRib season? Uh, no. Isn't that a seasonal treat?

It is. Come on. It is a gourd. It is a squash. Let's go to McDonald's. We'll get a filet of fish. This episode's already going to be called filet of fish. Seriously.

We'll get one. We all have to eat. We'll each take a bite of a filet of fish. Okay. Will you take a bite? I'll take a bite of it. Oh, can you imagine? I have one good idea to me now.

So we are going to be in a drive-thru at McDonald's eating a filet of fish in a bit. Two things. One, yes. I'm in. Okay, great. Two, I listened to your Halloween episode a few weeks ago. Yeah. And didn't you guys have a pre-Halloween and post-Halloween bench to it?

Exactly, yeah. Oh, would you do that with a filet of fish? I'm just saying. Now you're doing it with fish. Whoa. Battered McDonald's. That is not a bad idea. This is a new thing for Todd.

You know who I know loves the filet of fish? I don't mind throwing this person under the bus. But do you know who? No. Streeter. Streeter? Because he loves seafood. No.

Yeah. Streeter loves food in general. Right. Who thinks filet of fish is seafood? He would call it seafood. I would. I call it seafood. It's a chicken sandwich.

It's interesting though. Because Streeter likes burgers more than seafood. Right. And yet here we are. I bet he, yeah. All right. Filet of fish. So what are we telling this person?

I think he can get away with. Get the filet of fish. Get the filet of fish. I think he can get off with, get off literally, you know what I'm saying? He can masturbate, you know, a week before he goes home. Yes. Like this. Because he's already said this time the sex was awesome.

Like it'll do this from now on. White lies are perfectly fine sometimes. Yeah. And especially when they're semen white. Just a liquid white lie. Have you guys ever used the word smoke show before? We have on the show. Yeah.

That's where it comes up. Yeah, smoke show. I'm sorry to not be familiar with your account. We actually took that. You should have. We told you to listen every episode before you got here. I know. I'm sorry.

Yeah. 1.15 plus Halloween. Should we answer another masturbation question or should we like deviate from that and then come back to it later? My call? Yeah. Your call. Let's leave the masturbation arena and see what else is out there.

Okay. And then we'll come back. So this one is about. See where masturbation. Promise. This one's just about female masturbation then. No, no, no. This one has nothing to do with masturbating.

Great. Give this guy. Oh, no. You know what? This guy gave himself a great name and I'll say it at the end. Beautiful. This just, it's a dude. This just happened to me literally an hour ago.

I was working at my job in retail and a trio of girls walked by for the moment being I paid them no mind. A few minutes went by and they came up to me and asked me where something was. I told them and then went back to my work. A few more minutes go by and they do the same thing and I do the same. The third time's the charm as one of them came up and asked for my number. Dumbfounded having never had this happen to me before, I panicked and gave her my number instead of a fake or just downright refusing her.

Now here's my dilemma. This girl isn't particularly attractive and to be honest, neither am I. So I'm asking you dapper gentlemen whether or not I should bone this crone. I'm not sure this will ever happen to me again. I'm a virgin and I'm 17 years old if that changes anything. Sincerely, BORF. That's gotta be his real name. Sincerely, BORF.

That may be the name of the episode. Shit. Should we all go to McDonald's and order a BORF? From the secret menu? A Filet-O-Borf. Is the Filet-O-Fish on a patty or sorry on a bun that doesn't exist on any other sandwich? Like I imagine it on like a square bun. This is where all of our questions will be answered in time.

What bun doesn't have any sesame seeds on it except for the Filet-O-Fish bun? I choose to believe it's the lowest ranking bun and they were like put it with the lowest ranking sandwich meat, Filet-O-Fish. I'm so excited to have a Filet-O-Fish. Oh, I just pulled up a photo. There's a slice of American cheese on it. What? On the fish? Who doesn't melt cheese on a fish? That's the Filet-O-Fish? McDonald's is hoping you only taste cheese. Oh my goodness. Look at this bun. The plainest bun you can possibly have.

That is so gross. It's almost naya seed. And this is like, that's the stock photo. They had like effort went into making that look good. Like that's not the Filet-O-Fish we're gonna get. Yeah, this is the best. It's color correcting Glendale. It is all tan. It's all tan everything.

It's the same color from bun to meat and back. It's funny that we just read another question but are not even attempting. We just knew it was time to answer another question but we did not want to stop talking about Filet-O-Fish. If you're unattractive, do you become attracted to unattractive people? Attractive so relative. That's true. You shouldn't label yourself that and you shouldn't label someone else that

because within five minutes of talking to someone of like real authentic conversation, they look completely different. Wow, that's a really good theory. It's completely untrue but that's really interesting. Yeah, like what if they're a real dog? Yeah, like if they're actually ugly. But like real meaningful conversation, you're talking to a real meaningfully ugly person. That's beautiful.

That's true because they have to be good conversationalists because they're so downright ugly. And if you close your eyes, everyone's beautiful. Evolutionarily speaking, right? Like don't you have to lower your standards to find a mate so you can procreate? Like isn't there something hardwired into our monkey brains that would be like, Oh, I can't get with this like leader of the pack. So I'm like, I say it's lower and lower and lower and lower still.

But I think there's always like, you're always trying to get out of your league, but maybe there's just sort of like your base gets lower. Would you rather date someone who's so much more attractive than you that it's like a weird thing that everyone's like, 100%. Why is that guy with her? Yes, because that's going to end. But the time that it's alive is going to be great.

Beautiful. A shooting star. And what's the other option? Not meaningful soulmate connection with somebody. Yeah. Somebody gets you down the road. That's down the road. Yeah.

I'll retire then. And this and this 11. Does she have a perfect ass? Yeah, of course. Oh my goodness. And I can see your naked whenever I want. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude. What is there? There's another option. I guess it's. Yeah. So should this guy just go for it? If or what would he? Yes, of course.

He doesn't. He's just judging her on physical appearance right now. But if he already sees himself as unattractive, then this person may very well make him feel attractive by being kind to him and showing him love. Oh. Roll the dice, dude. First of all, what's a crone?

He said, bone this crone. I just don't know what a crone is. Shut up. It's probably a bad, an ugly person. Is it just a rhyme that he made up though, or is crone like a real? What is crone possibly short for? Yeah.

I'd like to know. Before I weigh in too much. A crone, an old woman who is thin and ugly. Rude. She has to be old, thin and ugly. There's a word for three adjectives. He really knew his vocabulary to describe this one. You're a crone.

Like, no, I'm only old and ugly. I'm very fat. I'm thick. It's an old, it's like a character in folklore, you know, like the old spindly lady. Yeah. She's like a dragonona that like curses somebody. Yeah.

She'll often curse you thin and old. So, well, one, I don't think that he can necessarily have sex with this girl right away. Right. That's a bit presumptuous. She gave him her number and for him to say, should I fuck this ugly girl? What she was saying was meet me at Auntie Ann's.

Let's get a pretzel. Oh, that sounds so much better than the filet-o-fish we're going to have. She's saying like, hey, do you want to get to know when you want to date me? And it sounds like he's a virgin. Yeah. It very least doesn't have any experience with this dating.

Right. So you might as well like, see what's up. Right. Then I guess on the flip side is like, if you are a virgin and you want to have sex with someone, maybe he just should not text her and try to find somebody that he wants to fuck. Right.

And it's also about experience. It sounds like this is the first time he's ever received a phone number. It's like, why not ride that wave for a second? It's supposed to shutting the door and then just saying, no, that wasn't good enough for me. Yeah. It's like, keep the door open, see what it is,

and you'll have that much more experience. You can text and date and do all that stuff because right now, the very least, the stakes are low. You don't want to like get that number that you really don't want to fuck up. And then you're like, uh-oh, I don't know how to text or what to do. Totally.

And you want to have comparative analysis for any single relationship. So it's like, if you have a bunch behind you, you've learned something inevitably, why you broke up, why you weren't happy and whatever it is. If you just say no at the gate every time, you're not going to get anything out of it. Do you have an example of saying yes or no to something

that you can share with us in any way? Have you ever said begrudgingly yes because you're like, oh, maybe I'll like it? Almost any single job I take in the comedy realm starts off as a yes. I'll do that. And then the second I get on set and have to dress up like a wacky mad scientist or like a gift box.

So you are a scientist. Just enacting. I'm not a scientist. No, I guess that in like relationships, I find this is the thing that teach you in comedy and improv and at UCB is to always say yes. The second you say no, you just shut off so much more opportunity and it just makes a much more,

you lose all the periphery in your life. You know, you start just living a very like narrow minded life. And I've kind of been raised with the say yes at first and the second it starts feeling wrong, then allow yourself to say no. But if you say no out the gate, then you have no idea. There could have been so many interesting things behind that door.

So note, I don't have a specific example, but I would encourage everyone to be brave and say yes at first. I like that lifestyle. Be brave. Say yes. That's kind of nice. I am brave.

Yes. The second it's bad. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm a coward. I'm a coward. That's what you should say to her face. She's like, do you want to go out sometime and you should take a deep breath and go, I am brave.

No. Yes. I only date Crohn's. Well, good luck, Porf. All right, let's meet you. Let's take a quick break, think a few other sponsors, and then we'll be right back with Billy. Great.

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Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you, free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Billy, what is it like being the commissioner

and host of a fantasy football podcast? At first, I didn't know what I was getting myself into because fantasy football is kind of fun on its own. You might not need to talk about it every single week on a podcast. But I will say that it has been a really fun and rewarding way to keep in touch with people you otherwise wouldn't.

True. It has been a really fun challenge for me to become a better host and to see what it takes to run an interesting podcast. I think the worst podcasts are ones that aren't bad but boring, where after a few minutes, you're like, I just want to turn this off. Right, you guys have been zoning out.

Exactly, where it's just a wash of sound after a while. So it's been a really fun and interesting test for me to try and find ways of keeping it energetic and successful and it's been really rewarding. I really appreciate it. Thanks for letting me do it. Of course. I got back into fantasy this year to be on the podcast

and I was like, ooh, I'm going to take it easy. I'm not going to get as into it. But then I got entirely 100% into it. Addiction is real. I'm in the league. Pat Castle is in the league. That's right. A bunch of other of our friends, George Basil, you, me.

Who's in first place? Billy is. I am. Really? Yeah. Commit. Oh wait, who has the most points? I do.

Obviously fourth. I didn't say that. And he's in fourth. But that is the fantasy life that I lead. Yeah. But I would encourage people to check it out. If you're not into fantasy football, at times it may be a little over your head,

but ultimately the people in the league are very captivating and interesting people and they all make for a good listen. So you'll find interesting things outside of football. But if you are a football fan, we do speak your language. Yes. It's a great, like, these are friends, funny people

talking about football and fantasy specifically. Right. Because we don't pretend to be experts at fantasy football. No. We are people who are enjoying it and talking about it with a little bit of insight. There are no experts. There are just people who play it a lot.

That's right. And read Roto World. That's right. You're totally right. I agree. And you're in the top 1% already. That's it. So call me Commish.

So if you know who Sharkandrick West is, I think you'd like the podcast. You're right. And that's on the Head Gum Network, headgum.com. And oh, and on Twitter, Head Gum FFL, right? Correct. Awesome.

Check it out. Have you ever been to Philadelphia? Yes. We're going to Philadelphia this week. When this podcast comes out on Monday, we'll be there on Wednesday. Nice. Have you guys been to Philadelphia?

Yeah. I believe our first live show ever was in Philly. That's true. LaSalle. LaSalle. That's right. That's right. Nice.

We were so nervous. That was our first ever, like, travel live show. College show. Because I think we did one at that, like, cupcake thing. Oh, yeah. And down at some place in New York.

Yeah. I forget where it was. Some place in the Lower East Side. Yeah. How big was that show at LaSalle? Do you remember, like, just generally, is it as big as your shows are now? Oh, it's huge.

I think it was like a college humor live show. I think John Mulaney was on it. It was an amazing, it was John Mulaney, Dan Levy, and Christian Finnegan. And us. Sure. And us. And two 24-year-olds that didn't know

what they were doing. But I bet the crowd wanted to see you guys the most. That's a good question. Did you guys go last? We did not headline. Mulaney. Yeah. Yeah, Mulaney helped.

Mulaney headlined. And, man, he's, God, it's just so funny. I know. It's incredible. But, like, that was the first that we, like, there were, like, people after the show that wanted our picture, and that was, like, fucking crazy to us. Yeah.

It was great. We went to the University of South Carolina a couple weeks ago, or maybe a month ago or something. And when we were taking pictures of the kids afterwards, I saw a poster of both of you guys on the wall from when you guys had performed there. Oh, shit. And I sent it to Amir, and he goes, huh, I didn't know

we'd perform at the University of South Carolina. You do? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Okay, Max. That was the cocks. We went to the beach. It's near the beach, right?

Let's say yeah. We were there for a day. I got a Mustang. Remember that? That was that? It wasn't UNC Wilmington when you got a Mustang? It wasn't UNC Wilmington? I played against the University of South Carolina in rugby

about eight years ago, maybe 10 years ago. No, definitely more than that. Probably 12 years ago. And two things. One, they still had the Confederate flag over the state capital. Ooh. Super weird to see.

Yeah. It wasn't weird to anyone else except me. We've moved past that. And secondly, on the field, I got into a bit of a pushing match with this dude from the University of South Carolina, and he called me a Yankee. Wow. And he just said Yankee.

Like that was going to hurt my feelings. And you were really proud of that fact. Who cares, Yankee? Well, that's the best thing you could be. Yeah, right. We won the war. You follow our lead. Yeah.

So that's my University of South Carolina. You asked me about Philly, and I told you about University of South Carolina. You played rugby? What's for college? Yeah. I played rugby for three years, and then I transferred to be a music major, and they made me stop doing rugby

because I would break my fingers. What school? This is at Hofstra. You were a college rugby player. Yeah. So I played a couple of years at the small school Towson in Maryland. Oh, yeah.

And then I went to Hofstra when I started interning at SNL, so I had to move back to New York. And so then I went to Hofstra. It's funny because you are the strongest person I know right now. Right. And you're saying you were even bigger in college. Yeah.

I weighed like 25 more pounds. And it was just muscle. How much do you weigh now? 182. I was about 205. Jesus Christ. But it was like, I can't imagine more muscley. Have you ever seen a picture of that muscley dog on

the internet? It's like a pit bull or something. It has big muscles in weird places. It was like that kind of guy. Where do you think you lost that 25 pounds? My shoulders. My shoulders literally touched my ears. You were always shrugging.

My mom has lots of pictures of that because she was fascinated. She was like, what is happening with my son right now? How did you do that? How did you gain 25? Because what were you like in high school? Were you closer to now or closer? No, yeah.

Probably 170. But we had seven meal days, so they would give us seven meals a day. We would have like practice once or twice a day, and they would just try and pound us. And all of our meals were like, they'd be like always 40 grams of protein in every single meal. I'd be like cottage cheese, two eggs, a banana, and like

some sort of sugary thing. And you'd have that like a 10, one, four, seven, 10, and one again. So by the end of the day, we're just like fucking ready to throw up? No, because we were playing rugby for two hours and then working out for another two hours. So it was just like, by the end of it, I was just like

kind of like a maniac. You were a machine. Food is just gasoline for your body. It was all fuel. And then we'd play the Naval Academy. One time we played the nation of Samoa in rugby. So it's like you needed, you literally needed every pound. Were you the biggest guy on your team?

No, so I was the wing, which is like the fast guy on the team. So there was dudes on my team who were 260 pounds, 280 pounds. And then there's dudes, of course, on the other team who were that much weight. How tall are you? Six foot?

Yeah. Four? No, six feet. Really? Flat. So Jason, who asked me if I'm six feet four. That's so great. My friend's girlfriend just asked me that.

So Jake is taller than you, but because you're so fit, you just appear to be the perfect height. Six foot four. I'll take it. Dude, I want to fucking get jacked like that. What did you say you ate? An egg? I'll eat an egg right now.

I got his cheese into my mouth. Not working out at all? Doing a push-up. Dude, Billy, I'm 208. And it's all in my ass, dude. What's rugby? Like, jeans. Everything changes.

He's just eating filet-o-fish. He's nonstop. He's wearing a rugby shirt. Am I jacked a mirror? Oh, am I jacked? My heart hurts. God, that's awesome. That was a good time in my life, though.

That was really fun. Did you ever get injured? Yes. One time I thought I broke my arm, but I had just kind of displaced my elbow for a second but it popped back in. That was gnarly. But the rugby team got into a fight with the football team once. Whoa.

It was totally, like, if you've ever seen that video online where it's like the Battle of Kruger, where it's just like the crocodiles fight the buffalo and then out of nowhere like the mountain lions show up and it's just literally two massive groups of men faced off against one another because- Were they just like in a field somewhere? On the street. It was the day after Halloween. On Halloween night.

That's almost like, this must be the anniversary. This was, oh yeah, we're right around that time. Yeah. This was one of the scariest days of my life. I've had a couple really scary days. This was one where I was like, this might, people might die here right now. It was pretty wild. But someone threw a glass bottle across the street, just missed us and my friend at the

time who was playing rugby and very aggressive just charged that group and just started a fight, like a huge physical fight. So I ran in to just try and start pulling guys off and that's always the guy who gets blindsided. Oh no. So they broke my nose and gave me a concussion in one punch. So the next day I'm living at the rugby house and I'm just like comatose when all of a sudden we get a wrap on our door and I can't go downstairs because I can barely like move my eyes left

to right and someone opens it up and then you just see him walk back up the stairs and he just looks in our bedroom and says, it's the football team. And it was on, dude, it was really seriously scary and there was like weird racial things involved. So that's when you want to be 205 pounds in situations like that. Did you have to get out of bed to go down to the football? I couldn't. So I was so, this was my second concussion in a very short amount of time.

I couldn't, literally couldn't move my eyes left to right without vomiting. So the best I could do was look out my bedroom window at just like the growing number of pickup trucks that were parked illegally on our street that like did not care about traffic law right now. It was so wild. So what ended up happening? The two captains poetically met in the middle. They literally walked outside of their groups and met in the middle.

They talked through every single thing. The football team had claimed that there was like racial epithets involved and all this kind of stuff. And I was kind of the pet on the team because it was obvious that I was going to be the comedian like of all these really aggressive dudes that kind of protected Billy. And when Billy got hit, they were just ready to, they wanted to fight anything in sight. And so long story short, it was very peaceful. You couldn't keep the story as long as you were.

So it was very peaceful. And that day ended like two weeks later, though, I walked, I was walking through campus. It was about a couple of days after the fight that I kind of get my eyes back together and walk through campus again. I saw the other dude who did it to me. He was on the football team. He was wearing football gear and he had a black eye and he was missing teeth. And I hadn't been to practice rugby practice for like a week.

I go back to rugby practice the following week because I actually went home to New York. And when I came back, it turns out that they had jumped the kid at a bar and just teed off all over him. For you? For me. Yeah, it was pretty wild. And they didn't even tell you? No, no, because I went home to New York.

And so as soon as I went to campus and I saw him, I was like, oh, this is weird. And we didn't like look at each other or anything. So did they feel, did you feel bad for that kid or were you like, yeah, that's what you get? No, yeah, I was playing rugby at the time. It was very fight oriented. Everything was like fight forward. And so it was just like, yes, like my brothers have my back.

This is awesome. God, we had the opposite college experience. So when I was 19, I weighed 104 pounds. I made slide shows with my friends and nobody had very much more than slapped me ever, even as a joke. Well, then I transferred to the music department and suddenly I couldn't play rugby anymore because I would break my little fingers. That's what they said.

Wait, what music did you play? I was a piano major. I was a creative writing and piano double major. And then you were just also getting into rugby. So will you play the piano? I can, yeah, I could play it much better than I can fake it now. Wow. Jesus, that's so funny.

You're so muscly. Exactly. I know. This is Jake on a date. You're so jacked, dude. That's awesome. Can I tie you to a bed and see if you come in a month, man? It's my friend Namir's idea, I swear.

I would, I would feel bad if we didn't at least mention that we're also going to Muhlenberg College. Oh. Three shows, William. Let's hear it. Wednesday. No, Tuesday. Tuesday.

At Muhlenberg College. Where's that? That's tomorrow. When this episode comes out, that is tomorrow. Right. At Muhlenberg College. Very exciting. So this episode comes out.

That's a hometown show for me, by the way. Hell, yeah. Rolly, I didn't know you're from Allentown. Well, it's a homecoming show in a way because I went to a college show. Nice. Well, you dropped out of college after eight months. We'll talk about this during the show. So Monday.

And I didn't drop out. I failed out. Monday the 9th. They dropped me. I wasn't allowed to come back. This show at Muhlenberg is Tuesday the 10th. Next day, we're at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. That show might be sold out.

It might be not by the time this reaches the period. And if you're under 18, there's a loophole where you can get in. If a 25-year-old brings you in. Right. And you can drink. Yeah. Right? If a 25-year-old brings you in, then 18-year-olds can drink.

And if you're 21 and over, you're good to go. That show is Wednesday 11-11. And then Thursday, our show in Brooklyn is sold out. But it's going to be a fun one. And it might release more tickets, I heard. Oh, nice. Keep your eye on that. I don't know if it's true.

Where in Brooklyn? Williamsburg. That's the other homecoming show for me. It's called the Hall at MP. Is that the music hall of Williamsburg? It's not the music hall of Williamsburg. It's on Driggs instead of North 6. Okay.

Somewhere. I don't know where. Oh, that's going to be great, you guys. Yeah. Go back to Brooklyn. Oh, the air is the best in Brooklyn. The people are the most beautiful in Brooklyn. I know.

Brooklyn is great. That's where our podcast started. Brooklyn, Brooklyn. Really? Yeah. That's true. 183 episodes ago. You guys did the same exact thing in Brooklyn.

An hour back. That's amazing. So hopefully we'll get to see people there. Awesome. As for this episode, do you have time to answer one last question? Perfect. Let's do it. Let's do it.

We need a guy's name. Patrick Mayonnaise. Wow. Patrick Happily and Patrick Mayonnaise. The Patrick brothers. Patty Mayonnaise brother. My sister is 31 and engaged to her boyfriend of almost two years. I know she loves him and I think he's a cool guy too.

They are both very religious and I'm certain that they haven't had any sort of sexual interaction. They're saving themselves for marriage. Here's the room. Lot of rooms stored up in this guy. Here's the wrinkle. Yeah. Can you imagine? Not mastermind for 31 years.

That's another big water balloon. He's going to get a paper cut and just fucking like a spigot. Shoot, see him out. The thing that comes is just like floating around your body. It can come out your belly button, your eyelid. A slit in your finger. Here's the wrinkle. The other day.

Your skin only exists to keep the come in. It's a water balloon of cum. Sorry, go ahead. Here's the wrinkle. The other day I played tennis with my brother-in-law to be. After the game in the clubhouse changing room, I saw his penis. The penis as yet unseen by my sister. Very bad news.

A prox one inch limp. I can't imagine it being more than three inches hard. Eyes may not matter, but this is extreme. I want my sister to have a fulfilling marriage. I want to tell her so that she can drop this baby man. Should I love Patrick Mayonnaise? Yeah. I think.

Okay. Do you guys want to go first? I'm feeling a little hostile. Yeah. Billy just punched shake. Fight forward. One quick point that I want to make is that I think no matter what you told your sister about the size of her husband to be's penis, she's not going to break up with him.

You're not going to stop the marriage, so you might as well not bring it up. That's a very good place to start. There's other reasons not to say anything and I'll let Amir or you take over. If you're feeling, are you cooled down? Yeah, I'm cooled down. I think that took the edge off of what I was going to say. Which is what? Every relationship will transcend sex at some point.

Any meaningful, long lasting relationship will transcend sex for some, for, you know, over time. So it seems like a lot of these questions are always about the jumpstart, the immediate, the sexual. He has a small penis. This might not work. She gave me her number in the mall. Why would this work?

Right. It's like, I think that I need to store all my cum. This might not work. I think that you have to think about relationships from a real macro. Take a step back point of view. Which is? When it's love not lust. Clearly this relationship has been love not lust for the first two years that they haven't

had sex yet. True. If you see something that you shouldn't have seen, if you had a small penis, a huge penis, you have to assume that there's much more to this relationship than that. They've got it all figured out. There's a huge chance that he already confided in his wife to be that his dick's really small. Right.

But I would also mention that many people are growers not showers and an inch long penis very well could stretch to a six inch long penis. Okay then. Like he might be fine. So yeah. I don't know enough because you saw his girlfriend's, his sister's boyfriend's flaccid dick and he feels like he's got this duty. All the information.

He has to suddenly bring this to her. Yeah, it's not true necessarily. I don't know about one and six, but perhaps this was a two incher and that can grow to five. You got to think about it too. Sometimes after you exercise, your dick shrivels up a little bit and your nuts get really hard. Especially if it's cold out.

They're playing outdoor tennis. And then surrounded by like if he's got a lot of pubic hair, it might look small inside there. He didn't inspect the dick as much as he might like to think. That's a good point. And I wonder, he could have had nine inches of pubic hair and maybe a nine inch, ten inch penis. Yeah.

Who knows? It's like the question is how long was the pubic hair? That's what I would ask Patrick Maynes. There are times that I would not want. Eight inches. Oh wow. Okay. So it's a nine inch penis.

My advice would be to shave the pubic hair and he's got an anaconda in his pants. Remove the thicket. He's just seeing the part of the snake that's coming out of the pubic. That's just one that's peeking out. Yeah. There's a whole body to that animal. It's an iceberg. You can't be like, that's a one inch iceberg.

No, it's a 20 inch iceberg. The majority of the iceberg is below water. Yeah. Like I start measuring my dick from inside my body because that's where it technically starts. Right. Oh smart. Yeah.

Through my asshole. Yeah. And then out the other side, seven inches. I'm no scientist, but that sounds like a logical way of doing it. Either way, I think we're all in agreement that this guy is under no obligation to tell his sister. No obligation whatsoever. At the very, like you can, there's a million reasons not to say anything, but I think the

real kernel of the, it does no good. It won't affect the outcome. Which is, his intentions are honorable. He wants to like, correct. He wants his sister to have a lot of orgasms. Have it all. And I love that about him. I truly do.

But this does no good for anybody to say your husband to be has a small dick. You're so right about that. It makes everyone feel bad. I think that's the best advice that I've heard on this topic so far. It doesn't know on any good. What about when I said that he might have a big dick? That was fine too. But just think about the three parties in question right now.

Tell me who comes out on top. Yeah. It's a triple lose. The dude, the guy who's getting married clearly gets hit. Yeah. Right. Oh my God. My brother-in-law thinks I have a tiny dick and I can't please my wife.

My wife thinks I have a small dick and I can't please like, and A, I have a small dick so that's bad. Then there's the sister who has this now burden of having to just like walk through why my husband having a small dick will be okay for me to her brother. So she's not coming on top. Yeah. Right. Like seeing her brother at like in the wedding party just like sitting next to her husband

shaking his head. If anybody has any objections, I add one. Like this presumes. But he has one inch. Of Dean. This presumes. Take off the tuxedo. If they were to break up, if this couple were to break up because of what this kid said,

this then presumes that every next guy she goes out with will have to show him his dick to see if it's okay for his sister. At the very least. Yeah. You pass the dick test. Yeah. That's complicated. I'd say hold on to that piece of one inch information.

That tiny little bit. There you have it. Hold on to the information. Hold on to that. Awesome. Thank you. And thanks, Billy, for coming on the show. Yeah.

My pleasure. People will be listening to this. Aside from the Melissa Ethridge concert that you're going to. Yeah. I don't think it's sold out. So if you can get down to Mirango by this Saturday, which is exactly negative two days from the day that this podcast comes out. Go back in time.

You can go on YouTube and see some old videos by Harvard Sailing Team. Please go to the Head Gum Fantasy Football League, which is a part of this network. That would be great because we would really like for you to contribute. There might be a new episode either Monday or Tuesday. Yeah. Right around this time when this comes out, there should be a look for a new Head Gum Fantasy Football League. And yeah, you can follow me on Twitter, at Billy Scafuri.

Good luck spelling my last name. It's not going to happen, dude. Try as you might. Will you post on your Twitter one, a picture of the filet of fish that we're about to go get? I will. All right. And two, a picture of you at your beefiest when you were in college.

Yes. I'll need my mom to mail me that picture. All right. Great. Yes. She can't take a photo of the photo. You have to have her mail it. It's not like that.

I don't know. Her phone still has snake. Her phone still has snake. You know what I mean? Not even snake, too. The snake can only grow to about three quarters of an inch. It's really true. Should you tell your dad about that?

His phone also has snake. All right, then. He's still rocking the road. Very well. Awesome. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. If you yourself have your own theme song or your own question or your own Facebook thumbnail submission, that email for everything is if I were you, show at gmail.com, the

opening theme song. Once again, it was written by Matt Bogdano. And this closing theme song was written by Amelia, Amelia, with a say a little prayer parody. Hopefully we'll see you in either Buellenberg, Philadelphia, or New York. And if not, we'll see you next week on the Internet. Later, everybody. Peace.

See ya. That was a hate gun podcast.