If I Were You - 184: Parental Love (w/Dannielle and Claire!)

Episode Date: November 16, 2015

Fellow HeadGum podcasters/friends Dannielle Owens-Reid and Claire Beitcher stop by to discuss obesity, sibling rivalry, and why Amir will die alone.This episode is brought to you by TIDAL and MeUndies!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Breezy, what state does that take you guys to? I'm feeling a legit North Dakota vibe. I thought you guys were going to say Hawaii. There's a little pluckiness that was Hawaiian, but I pictured like K and a blue sky. It's totally Idaho. So we're all sort of in the general vicinity of one another. Definitely in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah. Let me just say who this was who made it. It's Gabby Soul. Gabby G-A-B-B-Y-S-O-L.com. Website made with Squarespace. So you can listen to more of Gabby Soul songs if you go to GabbySoul.com. And we're here with more podcasters from the headgum network, Claire and Danielle. Hello. Hi.

You guys are the host of a couple of questions. Correct. Well, how would you describe your podcast? You basically get couples that have been in a relationship for at least two years. And you fucking ask the hard hitting in depth. You get in there. Interesting questions. You get in deep and then you start unraveling.

Jake and I began openly weeping during our episode. Right. You showed up crying. Yeah. I was having a shit day just because I'm scared of fog and it was foggy. You're a scared. Yeah, I was scared. Here's a real story from your podcast day.

Claire wasn't there, right? True. And there was a swarm of bees that attacked the entire port. Yes. And we heard it coming. And we heard it coming. It was very terrifying. We saw it coming too. We thought it was a weird swarm of flies. And we're like, are they bees?

And they got to the point, they were like four feet away. And that was the first time we realized it is bees. Everyone get inside now. It was like a plague. It happened so fast. It's more like Amir and I were inside like, no, thank you. And you and Joanna were like, let's take pictures. I was like, I just want to make sure they're bees.

And Jake smeared honey on his neck and ran outside. And then I think Joanna is the one she got in touch with me after and like said it was like something where the bees move nests or something. Like the queen migrates to a new location and it happens like twice a year. And we were there for it. How did she know that?

She Googled it. She loved calling her out. I'm curious because like when I see a swarm of bees, I think, I don't know if that's happened to me. Right. But I would just think like, oh, they're just like they're flying around. Yeah, like birds do.

I kept on saying the cat must have like pod their nest or something. But she would not blame the cat. She was like, no, no. They're also spelling letters. Did you guys notice that? Like they were taunting us. They're human slaves of sorts.

Yeah. They were taunting and teasing us. If bees wanted to, they can kill us all. Fortunately, they're not. Fortunately, they're dying out because we have destroyed their natural habitat. What if all of the bees in that swarm

stung you at one time? You would die. They could kill a couple people. And then what are you going to do to kill the bees? They just die after they sting you. Is that true? Yeah, they only have one. But how many are there?

I don't think there's... I think Claire made it very clear there are about seven left. Oh, there's always seven left. That was the last swarm. It's all in Claire's book, The Last Swarm. So you guys can pick it up on Amazon now. That's where I couldn't be there that day. With a capital B.

No, I just kid. But your podcast is... You weren't asking us questions necessarily about like... Is Amir really like that in real life? Or like how we work together. You were just like, when was the last time or the first time you had a serious conversation with Jake? And I was just like, whoa.

Yeah, your last fight. Do you guys ever get angry? It was like the beginning of therapy. You were breaking us down so that you could build us back. And we haven't been the same since. So if you haven't... They drove a wedge between us that is slowly materially separating us.

We have a list of a couple of questions. You can start with Jake and I's episode and then move on. You guys have like five or six, seven episodes at this point. That sounds right. Where you talk to different couples. What are the rules they have to be together for two years at least?

We have to be inspired by their couple. It's not just any old couple. You can't just be like, how is it working? We're in a loveless marriage and we leave each other alone. Well then. This episode is brought to you by Nature Box. So this podcast is an advice show.

People will email us who are in difficult places in their lives and they're seeking guidance. Sometimes it's just Jake and I. Sometimes we have our friends on the show. Are you guys ready, willing, and able to help us assist these listeners? 1,000%.

Yeah, bring on the worst. Do you guys have advice giving backgrounds? Well, my entire career is advice based. You should have this show. Because only like 3% of our career is that. So true. What was your career before this? Before being on this podcast.

We're launching you today. Before six minutes and 24 seconds ago. I have a couple of websites. Everyoneisgay.com where we give advice to LGBTQ young people and then the parents project where we give advice to parents of LGBTQ kids and then I wrote a book

called This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids and it's advice for parents of gay kids. What's the Q? You said LGBTQ. Q stands for queer. How is that different than gay? A lot of people don't identify as gay.

They just kind of identify somewhere in the umbrella or somewhere in the scheme. I think it's a more comfortable word for people to identify with. But it really depends. Any identity kind of depends on the person. So if someone's like, hey, I'm queer. Ask them what it means to them. So you can be queer but not gay

or gay but not queer or it's not that cut and dry. You can be anything you want to be. Thanks man, I really appreciate that. No problem. Alright. This question is short and sweet. These are really emails from real people. We're going to give them a fake name to preserve his anonymity.

Danielle, why don't we start with you? Do you have a fake guy's name? Chauncey. Really quick with Chauncey. Claire, last name? Benelgal. What was it? Benelgal. Listen dude.

Chauncey Benelgal? That's beautiful. I haven't seen my parents kiss each other in five years. Are they not chill with each other? That's it. So now we just all say... What do you think? Do you think?

Well you can elaborate more but yeah, essentially. Have you seen your parents kiss in the last five years? Well kind of kiss. Great question. French. I don't think I've ever seen my parents... French. Are they not chill with each other?

That's a good question. Have you ever walked in? No. Not that I know of. I don't think I've ever seen... I saw daddy hurting mommy. I've seen... What have you seen? Getting home from work.

I'm home. Kiss. But I've never seen my parents... Make out Chauncey if that's what you're asking me. If I've ever seen my parents do that. Do you feel like his parents not... Frenching? Do you think that makes them not chill with each other?

Well Chauncey, I guess... I'd ask you if you saw... If like six years ago were you seeing your parents... French each other? What is the shift from? What are we going away from? What's the change?

Relationships ebb and flow? I think they... Do you think five years is too much of an ebb? I don't know. Maybe their relationship isn't as sexual but maybe it's intimate in different ways. Oh. Maybe neither of them need that anymore.

Maybe... How are we supposed to comprehend relationships that have lasted longer than we've been alive? I don't know. My parents have been together since 72. It's like a 42 year relationship. I'm only 51.

I don't quite understand it. I can't think of anything... I would love to know and also hate to know at the same time if my parents have a good sex life. An interview with my mom where I was allowed to press a button at the end and forget everything.

I'd like to learn everything and make myself... I'm so curious but I don't want to know. I can't imagine being... I've gotten... What do you think? So far you haven't said anything

except that he's 50 years old. I just imagine the flame which starts burning very bright gradually gets smaller and smaller and then after 40 years it has to go away entirely. I don't think it has to and I think what we see on TV

is that it's supposed to. It's like everything we see with couples is like once you've been a couple for a long time it's going to be terrible and you're not going to like each other anymore. So this is correct. I feel like the relationship at first is like it's like evolutionary. Are y'all good at boning?

I'm attracted, we're good at boning, we can bone and we can have kids. Are y'all good at making a partnership where you create life and raise those children? Forget about the boning, that's sort of over with. How well can you turn this one year old into an 18 year old and then if you have time you can bone but that's really not necessary anymore.

And thus evolutionarily speaking it seems like you your sex drive diminishes as you get older because that's not a necessary part of procreation anymore. So whenever I see people in their 50s, 60s and 70s I feel like all their love

and all their energy when they were teenagers which was about their orgasming has now just transferred to I love my grandkids. Okay, here's why. Is that truly what you think? I disagree and here's why.

One of my favorite old people couples they're gonna be so upset I called them this. They're 35. So my friend Molly's parents one thing that she says about them was like I love their relationship and one thing that I love is that my dad still touches my mom's butt.

I was gonna say something really similar. No, no, that's it. My dad grabs my mom's butt and every time I do I'm like gross but also fuck yeah, that's good, that's nice. Well your mom always sort of screams and rolls her eyes when it happens. She hunches her shoulders and squeezes her

calavicles, not calavicles. Sorry, you were saying? I did say it, yeah. But isn't that the exception to the rule? I don't know, I mean I think it is the exception to the rule but I think the rule sucks. Mmm. Yeah, you are good.

I don't buy it, I don't buy it. You don't buy my theory. I just, I don't know. I don't see it so black and white I guess that each stage is like this thing. Something about Amir is that he turns everything into a math problem.

He doesn't have or a graph. So all I see is like you can't, it's called diminishing marginal utility, you can't enjoy something the same the first time or the second, third, millionth time. You're waking up next to the same person for the 10,000, 50,000th time.

You cannot be that excited anymore. But I think that it's not linear. Because I think you're not enjoying it in the same way. For example, that law I think applies say ice cream.

Oh, love ice cream. That's delicious, the next bite it's still good. But I think like a relationship is much more complex and dynamic so that as you age, for example, I was talking to my grandma on the phone

last night. That's awesome. She just, thanks. She just moved into like, it's not like a nursing home. Assisted facilities. Yeah, like two months ago. And this was the first time I talked to her. So I'm not that crazy.

And she was like saying something and then she mentioned like, oh, maybe I'll have a pop-up look at it. Oh, what, like, she's not crazy. She hasn't like lost her mind or anything. You haven't told us if your grandfather's dead or alive. He dead.

Oh, okay. I was able to sort of ascertain that. So there was like this moment where she was like, oh, what, like, he's, of course, he's not here anymore. I can't ask him. Right. And I mean, I only knew them as my grandparents. So I didn't see any like ass grabbing.

Maybe that happens with like, definitely. I mean, you know, they boned at least a couple times. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Never saw them do it. Similar to my parents. But there's something I think so sweet about when you get to be that

age, like just wanting to share that thing with someone or knowing like that person was that in your life. Like they spent every single minute together, at least, you know, for the last probably 15 years of their lives. Like, isn't that better than sex? Yeah. So maybe they are. I shouldn't say that you don't

like the person anymore. You just have no, you have less of a sexual desire to like get off with that person. Yeah. But do you think that apply? That's because of the person or do you think that's just what happens to any living thing as it ages because it doesn't need to be

creating anymore? Yeah. I would say like old dogs don't hump legs. Right. Wow. That's your auto. That's your auto. That's your auto. Yours is fear the swarm and mine is old dogs don't hump legs. Fourth coming.

It's you sitting on a porch somewhere petting an old dog disappointed. Be frowned. Why not me? What do you think, man? I really, yeah, I think I'm of the school that like relationships change

and like either for good or bad, like you sort of have to be able to adapt as they're going. I think you can still be happy in a moment like hey, we're older. We built a family. My parents are like, I think my parents are happy to check in on us and yeah,

see if we're doing well and maybe they're not, there's not like fire and who I don't, maybe there is, maybe they're still going at it. I hope so. Go, go mama. But I guess I don't, I don't think that it gets worse as you get older. I think it gets

different and some people handle it better. It gets different and some people handle it better. That's not the title of my book. Don't give it a title yet. I like it. The specific question was,

are they not chill with each other? I think my answer is that they're still chill with each other. It just isn't as physically romantic as it used to be perhaps. Or maybe they're making out to leave the room like a bunch of horned up teenagers when their dad leaves or something. Yeah, maybe the new thing for them

is to do it behind your back, Chauncey. They probably get some off. They probably do it right outside your door when they're asleep. When you're asleep, they're on the hallway floor fucking. Don't fucking wake them up. And Chauncey

is just wide awake in bed wondering if his parents are chill or not. Oh, they're real chill, dude. They're chiller than you'll ever be. They're so fucking chill. Did we all get to answer the question? I think so. More or less. Really, we need more information, but

that was good enough for now. Let's keep it in the familial question. We need a fake girl's name. Frida. Oh, shit. I was going to do first name, last name. Yeah, but you were looking me directly in the eye. You're right. Because I thought of it as Last name is Frida. Oh, that's good. Last name, Frida. First name.

First name, oh. Dania. Dania, Frida. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen Claire freeze like that? Never in my life. It's because I have this one go-to name that Karla Lababador. And I'm trying so hard to not just

say it every time. Karla Lababador? Karla Lababador. You got a snapile of good names. Billy Bainu was in it. Wait, we were talking about Billy Bainu before the podcast, right? Yeah. I won't tell anybody. Yeah, don't tell anyone. I still use that screen name. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's still all

up in the AOL chat rooms, Town Hall 22. Kids only, bitches. With a Z. Oh, my God. There's a Z in only two. All right. What was it in Frida? Can I just say I didn't mean like I currently go on kids only. No, of course. When I was a kid using that name.

We're editing this out. We're going to play kids only, bitches, nine times in a row. Guys, I'm in a dumb situation. I've been cursed with an ungrateful brother as a college graduation gift for my brother. I told him that I wanted to take him to Iceland. It's a trip that we've been wanting to take together

for years and I figured that it would make great graduation present. I even offered to pay for both our plane tickets and lodging if he could help me pay for an Airbnb rental car. Sorry, she would pay for the plane tickets. He would help for the Airbnb. He initially said that he thought it was a good idea. He even seemed excited to go

until the other day when he flat out said, I don't know if I can, if I'd be able to go. He is graduating in 2017 and he's already telling me that he won't be able to get off from work from a full-time job he has yet to receive. He hasn't even graduated yet and he says that he's too busy.

Like, what the fuck kind of ungrateful person is this? I am very hurt by this and I want to discuss it with him. There is no way that I'm paying for two round trip tickets to Iceland for someone who doesn't even want to go. How do I bring this conflict up civilly, civilly?

Oh, and this girl is going to be at our live show in Philly. Okay, Denani, I got something to say. Was that it? Denai or Denani? Denia, but her friends call her Denani. Great, Denani. I have a couple things to say about this. I feel very

passionate and here's why. If he doesn't want to go, why on earth do you want to spend the money on him? Because, yeah, all right, that's a good question. If he doesn't want to go, why do you want to go with him? If he doesn't want to go and he's being honest with you, that seems like a good brother and not a bad one. Oh, so you're not being

honest. He's saying he's making up a rule. He's making up an excuse. He's like, I can't go on. I'm busy with work. And he hasn't graduated yet. He graduated in two years. But I get, here's what I think, though. Like, she's upset not because her brother

is like, she's upset because there's they're slowly drifting apart. Yeah, that's sad. I think that's what she's like going through. And she's like manifesting the sadness and anger towards him. Do you guys have brothers? Yeah. How can that be?

Aren't you guys sisters? Well, you know, in Jesus's blood, what is that called? What do Christians say? What's your book? You know. How are we all related or what? I'm part Christian and I drink his blood. Yeah. Is that Christian?

Or is that Dracula? Am I a Christian or a vampire? I never quite figured out. We're all poisoned by the same man. So, yeah, kind of. Are you close with your brother? I got two. Oh, I got two brothers. Two older brothers? One older, one younger.

Are they better than you? Holy shit. No, no sister. Three of you? There's three. You're the youngest. Interesting. You want to go with it. You know about family dynamics, huh? Yeah. Would you imagine, what do you think Amir is? Or what would you

imagine he was? It's hard to go back, but I would maybe think oldest. Really? What do you think I am? Out of how many? Do I? Oh, do you think I have brothers and sisters and what number am I? I'll feel really insulted if you say only child. I think you maybe have a sister.

That's true. And that I think. This is a hard one. Your sister is maybe like six years older than you. Wow. It's a hard one for Jay because he has like five brothers and sisters of varying ages. You honestly couldn't get it wrong. This feels like a trap.

But you nailed sister. That's like a good thing to know that I have. Yeah, he's got four sisters, one older, three under, and then a younger brother below that. Three of them are triplets. It's a whole spider web. Was it trapped? Well, the thing is you couldn't have gotten it wrong. It was a mind. Unless you said

older brother. Yeah, true. I wouldn't have guessed older brother. Which is the one thing I am. Which is why I didn't. Well anyway, if you wanted a planet trip for your brother and he's like, yeah, maybe. Would you like, would you be offended? Would you be angry? Would you be hurt? It's hard to put myself in that situation

because I don't think I would do that. You don't think you would ever plan a trip? Not for a sibling, no. Yeah, I don't know. I just, I wouldn't. But I can relate to the like, the kind of drifting apart from a sibling thing.

Do you bring it up? That feels real to me. Do you say something? Do you bring up the drifting? I think, I think, well, I mean, they're four of us. So there's different dynamics and I feel like at times other people have felt a drifting. Yeah. Not to get into too much specifics

to respect those family members. Their wishes. Just name names. I would like to know all their names. Who's drifted apart the most? Who's still the closest? Okay, Deluli? Deluli. That's really good. Actually, just to cut to the chase, who's your favorite sibling?

Yeah. Probably, Deluli. I knew that. I've always been more of a Shambian man. I mean, Shambian, like, he's kind of hot and cold. Yeah. So your parents named you Deluli, Shambian, Claire. Yeah, and Benuki. Benuki, yeah. I was going to guess that.

Much like the last couple, they're creativity ebbs and flows. Just like that, yeah. I, I, I think the drifting apart from siblings is painful and it's part of getting older. And maybe some people don't do it. I feel like I've drifted

a little, maybe. But you know, you become adults. You're not kids anymore. Who knows if it's still going to work? To me, this is a perfect situation. You seem like a great older sister because you've expressed interest and you've even offered to buy the gift. So that's, you don't have to get them a gift anymore. It's like, I wanted to get

flying to Iceland and he's saying no. So she's out of that responsibility. And then two, she can now go to Iceland with somebody who really wants to go. Probably somebody that's like closer to her than her brother. So it is a sad situation. I wouldn't bring it up though. I wouldn't say like, hey,

how come you don't want to go with me? Because then what's the best case scenario? You guilt them into going with you? That's not fun either. Yeah, but you could talk to them about drifting apart. You can be like, hey, we don't have to go to Iceland. I'm not trying to force you to spend two weeks with me. But do you want to go camping this weekend? You know, and then you have like two days to hang out. And then also it's like, yeah,

you're becoming adults and people grow and change. And I think it's cool that he's becoming his own person, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, would you be offended if your sister said that no thanks to a trip? I guess I wouldn't be offended. I would be sad.

I think it's like, I don't think for me it would manifest an anger. I wouldn't be like, you're an ingrate. Why don't you want to come? But I would probably be hurt. But yeah, I would, I think I would be pretty passive about it. What do you do? You have a fucking ungrateful brother

or sister. Yeah, I'm trying to think if there's been times when I like offered my brother things and he like didn't want them and I felt like a little hurt or something. But I was never like you're a dick. I've given a gift that was given back to me because

it was like deemed inappropriate in one way or another. And then I'm like, I'm not like offended. I'm like, all right, it's your thing. If you don't want it, you don't get it and that's fine. What gift? It was a bust of yourself. What's that? Just a bust of you? Yeah, it was a bust of me. It's a full size black statue.

It's beautiful. That would make me mad. I think when you offer to do someone a favor and they don't want it, you can't get mad at them. That's like such a weird thing to, like, why are you mad at me? You gave this to me. I could destroy it. It's like, it's really, it's always to me, I think comes back to sadness.

It's never madness. Yeah. Madness is just sadness you forgot to cry. Right. Can that be my book title? I want it. I forgot to cry. So now I'm upset at this person. So now I think you're a dick.

If I just cried, I would be sad and not mad. And now I'm not glad because of that. I think the real danger with that though, too, is like when people are sad, it's, you know, people are, I would be way warmer towards them. If I made someone sad, I'd be like, how do I make this right? But when I make somebody mad, I'm like, fuck off.

I'm mad, too. Yeah. This girl seems like she's going to want, she wants to guilt her brother into going. That's not a good situation. Well, tough when the gift is something you have to participate in for two weeks. For two weeks, yeah. Like, I'm sure that her brother would appreciate.

I don't know, like... Yeah, for sure that. But like, what about like a photo album of like him through the years or like their relationship through the years. I like the computer idea. Yeah, computer, come on. That's like a very fucking practical gift. Like, you have to video chat with me twice, you know?

No. I might have work. It's already playing Doom. He's jerking off already. The computer only connects to her computer. Yeah. It's a one way only. But I think like, she wants to give him a gift

that is kind of about her, right? Like, maybe he doesn't want that gift. But she's mad that he doesn't want the gift that she wants him to want. Is it like giving somebody a bowling ball and then being like, oh, well, if you don't want it, I'll have it.

Like, that's what happened in The Simpsons. I think it's like giving someone a... not to undermine The Simpsons. But I feel like it's maybe like I love bowling. Here's a bowling ball for you. Yeah. Now you're going to come bowling with me. Another person's like,

I'm not that into bowling. Or, I don't even have arms. We forgot to mention this girl's brother does not have arms. So how's he supposed to go glacier hiking, mountaineering? Actually, mostly feet. Well, how's he supposed to get the Airbnb?

He can't type. How's he supposed to hand his passport over to a taken agent? He can't do it. His whole thing is a slap in the face, which he can't do because he's armless. But he's still a great person. Yeah. Give him a break.

So do we sympathize with the sister or the brother here? Sister, ask your brother what he wants. Sisters, ask your brothers what they want. And I think sister, tell your brother that you're afraid your relationship is going to change and you love him and you don't want to lose him. That's beautiful. That's sweet.

To adulthood. Which is why I'll pay for your ticket to Iceland and we can go during your school. You won't have to work. You don't have to worry about that. Perfect. Well, go during spring break when you would really rather be home with your friend. That's the worst.

All right. Let's take a quick break to thank one more sponsor. Then we'll be back with more Claire and Danielle right after this. Thank you so much for joining us. We'll see you in the next video. Find that balance. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring

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Squarespace and we're back have you guys learned more about yourself interviewing other people on your podcast like do you find yourself learning different things about you or is it mostly the external

I'm just learning about these other people I would say yes well not necessarily learning things about me but well we started because Claire and I were both in brand new relationships and we were like obsessively asking questions to one of our fave couples

and then that person was like you should do a podcast and we were like okay and then we just like a couple of bouncing beans just like got every couple we could and asked them so many questions because we like wanted to be in really good relationships oh so you're like you're asking like how do I attain this

thing for me I felt like it was not understanding what a relationship was and I was like like you're all in them you know what they are tell me what they are and for a while in terms of your original question I think I struggled with then

thinking that my relationship had to be like all of these people's relationships like why aren't I in soulmate love with my other yeah and that if I wasn't like feeling the things that they described or things weren't like happening in that same way I was like oh my god well then I guess

this isn't a relationship so it kind of gave me a lot of anxiety for a while it seems like there's two kinds of relationship beginnings the one where you like slowly like get into a cold pool of water and then you're like getting into it and then by the end you're used to it and then there's ones where you like dive right in like I was in love

the first minute don't you feel that way and then you're like I guess I don't know yeah yeah we had we've had some guests who were like the first night they met like they just knew that was it yeah and those stories are great and true and real and honest

but then like if I have an experience that does that mean like after the first date should I not go on a second date because I'm not feeling it or can I like grow into feeling that emotion saying that she learned everybody's different right everybody's different yeah yeah and I think it's like a disservice to your own

process and experience if you're just comparing it to other people right which is like you've never been a person that would dive in and love something right away right like I would never I'm just not that kind of like emotional like unless it's like a really good sandwich I

can't imagine like having love at first bite to which is my cookbook there's another thing in there but I'm also guilty of like cutting things off too early because like maybe because I'm getting older I'm just like you know I've hung out with this person three times

and it's like what am I doing here I'm not gonna marry this person should I see her for a fourth fifth sixth time or should I just cut it off at this point I think that you know what you're supposed to do I do yeah I do I think if you're like I'm not feeling and I want to cut it off like

I don't want to be dating you if that's how you feel right I mean it's like a self-fulfilling thing yeah totally so it's like kind of the same thing and then like the other common thread that I've noticed is like every single couple they are one another's best friend

they just are and like that's how I feel about Julia too like she's my best friend in the world and so it's like even when we're having a huge fight that lasts for three days it doesn't it's like at the end of it she's the one that I want to talk to about the fight and that's a thing like with every single couple they're like

yeah I mean we're best friends so we figure out how to work it out and like if she needs something I'll do it and even if it's like hard to figure out like she's the person that I want to be with so I don't know I guess well what the fuck am I this is my best friend I'm not gonna fuck you that's why we interviewed you guys

on the podcast it's really just about best friends I guess I'll get married to Jake Jesus okay I mean what choice do I have at this point if that's the common thread I'm kind of fucked it seems like it's working though yeah that's true

I love you dude right if we were just down I feel like that would just we already live together and work together I mean no having sex is the one thing we haven't done yet but I don't know but you do kiss yeah you're still chill

we just haven't penetrated yeah and it's that wall that we can't break through are Jake and I the only non-romantic relationship you guys have had on the show so far but we're having we're gonna have more

like partners in different ways how long have you two known each other not that long do you pass your two year test oh yeah I guess we do pass our two year test do we? we met right after I moved to LA and I just passed my two year wow

maybe we should interview ourselves that's a great idea oh yeah there's a couple of things I'd like to ask us couple of what other common threads do you see with like successful relationships they talk so much

they talk constantly do you feel like you're in the next in communication? no no I mean like with the emotions and feelings and how they work through shit yeah nothing stays bottled up nobody's like oh well I had this thing that I was upset about for six years and I'm still upset about it

and I'm getting it out on a couple of questions like everyone has if they've gotten through things it's because they've talked about it and they've had to figure it out mmm that's a good one good communication another thread wow I don't know how many

I don't know how much of a thread that is but I feel like I know a bunch of people you don't have to hear that because it's like I think people sort of are ashamed when they've broken up and gotten back together they like don't like to talk about that part of when they I don't know there's something that's like

not it's not like a picture book story romance when you're like we broke up for a while then we got back together no one's like how romantic are you sure it's still good because they broke up for a reason and often times your friends will be like fuck that

other person you can do so much better it's like I'm back with them and they're like ah he wasn't that bad but I think most of the times people broke up it was because they like weren't ready to be together like Jesse and Zinzi broke up for a day I think and then they realized and then they were ready after that 24 hours

and the way they got through it was through talking so much I think it's it like ties into another ah thread I see which is people just being like thinking the other person is like cool and interesting

oh like actually having like a crush on them always yes like you want to hang out with that person you're like a weird unique person who was outside of me who was another person I realize now as you say that and they like fucking get it

you know what I mean it's more than thinking you're cool it's like you're cool and I have this view of the world and you understand that view it's like a in the last two years I've only felt that towards dudes like oh that guy's going to be my friend oh that guy's a great guy oh I miss that guy

I haven't felt that with somebody that I was also physically attracted to what do you like look for in somebody like do you ever see like similarities in the kind of guys you want to be friends with and like feeling maybe girls have those qualities too

oh interesting so I'm thinking of like my most recent friends so like Billy you like Billy because he's super nice he knows sports I think I like people that are not negative

so like you see this guy like oh that's a good guy like I can't say oh that's a good guy about a lot of guys but like Billy's a good guy his name is Billy right off the bat good guy he's like a friendly dog exactly he's like he has no negative he never like talks shit about people

he's just like constantly looking at the positive thing he doesn't get upset Billy's the best he's also very like sense of humor we were able to joke around very easily we have common interests so like we talk about sports a lot

and that's a very easy conversation to have but what am I going to do he's sort of like an inspiration thing like if you look at Billy and you're like how do I become more of a man like you are he's a strong man with a good attitude you ever look for that in a lady

I don't think so I think parts of that though you should be looking for like somebody who inspires you and who you like look at and you're like man she's the fucking best those are the things you should be looking for I think it would be easier if I was just sexually attracted

if I was becoming friends with is there a pill I can take cool I know a lot of guys who have taken it have taken the what? taken that pill when they were a lot younger when they were in the womb

God made them swallow it so you are born that way but it does have it's a pill you take it's an interesting choice you don't necessarily get to make a fetal decision okay

really God forces it down another book a fetal decision I'm more interested in talking about you finding a mate actually I'm really into this now we've never really talked about it on the podcast I've hung out with ladies and they're all cool and friendly but then for whatever reason

I don't have that crush aspect where I'm like I can't wait to see this person again I really want to see this person again so I'm getting like butterflies in my stomach whenever I see their name pop up in my phone have you ever gotten that with women? yeah I must have with my previous lady friends

you did yeah I remember a couple years ago when there was somebody you were about to start dating you were like g-chat me do I texture this? yeah exactly I think it's that it just sticks around and changes a little bit it's like I still

I've been dating Julia for like a year and a half that long but way past the crush phase for sure at least for me yeah exactly but I still like if I get a text from her I'm like oh really? yeah definitely

Jesus after a year and a half maybe I mean there has to be something about me where like I just become less excited about things over time no I have dated like 11 other people and it's all the same it's all like one month in I get less excited than three months in

I'm like do we have to have sex? right so like it's just about finding the person that will push that limit as far as it can go yeah exactly right because at a certain point like some there are just like other chemicals in your body that start working that aren't like raw sexual desire

yeah totally bond and loyalty and friendship and all that stuff it's what Chauncey's parents are maybe feeling yeah and that's how we know that they are chill with each other excited from text you know what's another thing is do like I enjoy being

single so like I'm constantly weighing does the relationship pros outweigh the pros of being single so like if I rate my singleness at a 95 out of 100 like if a girl comes into my life and she's a 90 I'm like oh that's awesome but you know what being single is actually better

so like if I was leaving I said about turning everything into a math problem but if I was leading a lonely life or I was living by myself going home and like microwaving a TV dinner and then just like masturbating and falling asleep every night sounds fucking perfect yeah never mind

okay that sounded awesome but I would hang out with ladies that weren't just as good as the ladies I'm hanging out with now but they would seem better because I'm putting them up against what my single life is like but you don't know after say three dates and they're like chill

but you're like I don't know if I'm gonna marry them which is a question I ask myself a lot or used to um you're kind of denying yourself the process of getting to know who that person actually is who they haven't just been on three dates

or who you have been on three dates like and what your actual connection is to see if like yeah maybe your single life is a 95 but maybe like after three months of dating them your semi-coupled life is a 96 I don't know if I'm gonna convince it three months

let's say two and how many times a week am I seeing them I also think that you don't necessarily love being single you just love your life right now like you love where your career is at you love hanging out with your best friends all the time you love where you live and

the difference is there totally can be a person who you love hanging out with your friends and that person when the two of you together you feel like you look hot together and she tells funny stories but when you tell stories together they're even funnier

and then there are like things that are happening in your career and she's the first person you want to tell oh damn that sounds like a little power couple so it's like you still have your fucking great life it needs to be a movie star it needs to be a hot smoke show that I can... Claire Danes

yeah any Danes really if Claire is a sister just type Judy Dench yeah somebody that excites me that I can be with with my friends that's a hard one

because it's hard going into a friend group here's a title for a book okay great catcher in the right is taken so let me cut you off what about the great batsby no that's close I love it

different different isn't worse so just because it's an illustrated self-help book so just because my life is going to be different with somebody doesn't mean it's worse than yeah man you can still have this life with a person

sliding doors let me ask you guys this question do you guys think I should have given the ladies in the last two years of my life a longer shot or because I can thought that I was sort of cutting them off

then that meant that I shouldn't have stayed with them does that make sense okay that was confusing but I get what you're doing so everybody at home knows Amir is lying face down on the floor right now slowly he let every good thing in his life slip away

everything you've done was perfect up until now because it led me here because it led you here to this life that you love true you know what I mean and I don't think one of my favorite quotes of any of our couple of questions we've had is from the episode with Liz Feldman and Rachel Cantu

and Rachel just said it doesn't have to be that hard and I feel like that's the most important thing of all of it it doesn't have to be that hard you shouldn't be like going over and over in your head like did I do a bad thing that I cut off this relationship with this person I didn't really give a shit about

I didn't really care when she was talking and I wasn't really paying attention but isn't that my problem if I don't give a shit that I should care about is talking I think you can try a little harder but you still can't fake that last that last however many percent that's your job to decide

I think you need to be more open definitely oh definitely like when you said that couple's name the ZZ which one ZZ for example I couldn't date someone named ZZ because I can't imagine introducing somebody named ZZ to my friends yeah but if you met someone named ZZ and that person like blew your mind

and made you laugh like no one else is your favorite person to talk to I know I feel like conflicted but that's how close minded I am and ZZ is perfect yeah from A to Z that would be our book together and yet still something about having a unique name I feel like I can't

like hey ZZ tweeting at her texting her hey ZZ you're fucking girlfriend I mean how fucked up is that I need to date a Rachel because that's something that only exists in your mind but I'm a flawed mind

I have to be more open mind you're close minded yeah close minded definitely I mean if you're looking back on the past two years and your first thought is like was I supposed to marry any of those girls are those girls my wife not marry but should I have given them a longer shot

because but you would only give them a longer shot if you were going to marry them but you're saying you don't even know that the information until you're that's in my mind but I'm talking about the transitive property of your own mind right

that's a movie 50 first dates or whatever like ghosts of girlfriends past if someone really good luck Chuck that movie owned I don't care what people say

if there's someone in your past that still haunts your heart I think you would know that mmm I guess there are ladies that I think about still more than others then let's make that movie baby

Zinzi is one for sure never gonna work I'll tell you now it's never gonna work can't tweet at her how are you gonna ask her to marry you you can't tweet at her we had a therapist an expert therapist on the show a couple weeks ago Emily

Gordon and I was asking like should I go to therapy she's like everybody should go to therapy whether you think you should or not I still I've never gone to therapy this and this sort of is getting me into it you guys really made your podcast bleed entire part you should I love therapy

I swear by it Julia didn't give a single shit about therapy until I was like and today my therapist and then she was like God your therapist is good and I was like right and then she was like I'm gonna go therapy and now she loves it too did she go to your therapist no we don't go to the same therapist

but her therapist was a recommendation from my therapist very cool yeah I cannot imagine where I would be today without the help of therapy wow yeah it'd be I think it'd be bad maybe maybe it would

have turned out okay almost as bad as my current state imagine that stiff arming ladies because of the name they have that's not okay that's not all right do you guys mind if we answer one last question just because I don't want to feel like I'm short changing our audience I understand this is another

lady Claire first name Jasmine no I love it but you have to say it that slowly otherwise she won't answer it yeah there's three A's four Z's and M a lot of H's

you could not date her last name or just last initial we want to keep this fake person anonymous too T I love that but it stands for trinkets yes Mina trinkets writes I recently matched with this guy on Tinder

that I wouldn't normally swipe right on the app or in real life I live on an island where the pickin is very slim other than the occasional batch of tourists but this guy had me when he mentioned Larry David in his bio we matched back in July and we've been talking every

day nonstop my dilemma is this this guy is my soulmate he is extremely kind huge comedy music and film nerd love sports and is extremely smart I'm talking a mere Pat Castles and Thomas Middleditch all rolled into one it makes me laugh like crazy absolutely absent from the perfect hand

that's fine the issue here is that he has 300 pounds this guy's personality alone makes me want to jump his bones but when I think about putting his dick in my mouth the only thing I could think about is getting crushed by his thighs and his stomach resting on top of my head

I don't want to say that I'm repulsed but god damn it I think I'm pretty frickin close I think I'm such an I feel like such an asshole saying this as I'm not the skinniest person ever either I've got ass and thighs for days and my second smile aka double chin is so

real he is offering the world to me and I'm hesitant to take it I really really like this guy but how do I get over the physical part this guy has made several playlists for me and is on the search for this rare fish slash Harris Wittles t-shirt that I've been looking for for months

so I know he's really into me and again I like him a lot too but I don't know if I can lead him on anymore if I can't imagine being physical with him and god damn it I like to fuck so this is important for me that is all sorry this has been so long love jazz mean

yeah trick it trick it well hmm well well well yeah what do we do with this one guys well I want to agree that she does sound like an asshole mm-hmm I think there are nicer ways to say things

but what can you do so what can you do if you're not physically attracted to someone we peel back the language I think she was trying to ham it up yeah is physicality it's important to be physically attracted to somebody but do you cut off your soulmate because he's 300 pounds well is it your soulmate yeah that's

that's part of being your soulmate it's all those things and you want to fuck him a lot yeah also anyone can search for a fish t-shirt on eBay I feel like that I also have they met like I'm very confused I don't think they've met it doesn't seem like they've met wait haven't they haven't met I don't think so

I thought they met once am I imagining I don't know let's say they've met once or I'm really curious about what island she lives on oh I feel like she lives on Catalina because it sounds very LA to me the tourists but I feel like it's Kauai

yeah I thought it was Hawaii also because if it's Catalina she could I feel like her Tinder radius is wide enough that she could come to the mainland would that be great though all the tourists maybe it's just Governor's Island New York it's very remote

it's like a five minute ferry ride I was imagining Papua New Guinea oh yeah this man is probably a traditional Samoan a 300 pound warrior man who a fisherman a spear fisherman by trade and a fish teacher salesman

by night and he's just looking after her best interest unfortunately his girth repulses her does it kind of feel like if she was just like hey if you lose 100 pounds I'll blow you he would instead of spending time

doing the fish research like if he just did 50 crunches in a single time he and she should send him like why don't you research this and it's a picture of a treadmill and then it's like why don't you just change who you are maybe it could work

maybe if they enter into an emotionally abusive relationship it'll be great although I will say that I don't think that high five was genuine it's half bad but then also half urging him to be healthier because 300 pounds is too

large I think if she emailed and she was like oh the way that he eats repulses me like I'm grossed out because all he eats is pizza and fried chicken and I love to eat vegetables and this thing then it's like a different it's more about lifestyle

it's more about lifestyle and not just the way that somebody looks and it's more like oh how are our lives gonna integrate together if I do this and he does a totally different thing I mean honestly like I don't think that there's something

so wrong about like I don't know like not being attracted to that person's body if that's like what I don't know I mean sure like it's the person that's inside that counts but it's

I think it's better to be honest than to proceed and like know that you're not gonna come around to it am I wrong other than trying to change the person like is there someone who will love that person how they are yeah but isn't how they are unhealthy like don't you want to help

I mean you don't know that you know isn't 300 pounds is like obese or morbidly obese but like he could be he could have like an illness that makes him obese you know whatever reason he has for being overweight I think that physical attraction is important enough

that this she can enter into a relationship with somebody she actively doesn't want to sleep with however isn't it easier to find like she's found the hard part which is like the soul mate personality isn't it easier to ask this guy

to lose 75 pounds than to find a 225 pound man that will give her all the other stuff that she loves interesting theory I'm saying she's 90% of the way there what is she gonna start with someone who's only 10% of the way there and ask them to be the other 90 but I think that sports

it's not gonna happen that's just Billy I think that maybe like the person who is both of those things exists yeah I think that's yeah yeah there's no dangerous the close to finding that guy but she still didn't so like

it's easier to tell somebody to change something physical about them like their weight than it is to tell somebody to get into the same sports and music that you're into but it's still not necessarily good it's still not like but also I feel like

there's gotta be more there because if she was like so fucking into him she couldn't stand it it just like would not matter right it just wouldn't you know but she's there's gotta be something else there that she's like oh nobody's fat so I don't know what yeah maybe it's what

she like thinks that other people will think yeah I mean there's think of the world sorry continue I was gonna say is there a world where she tries to kiss him and then just see how it goes I like that I think there is that world parallel universe just like a little kissy kissy yeah

yeah what did she say in that thing like she can't imagine putting his dick in her yeah his stomach and thighs maybe you'll like it here's I think if he laid down flat on the bed there would be a major risk of any of any of that well also

I'm gonna just I'm gonna blow everyone's mind for a second holy shit if he listened to this podcast he would be mortified and would never want to speak to her again oh so maybe if you're talking about the person you're dating that way you suck interesting that's probably

you imagine listening to a podcast and hearings being like well I know I'm the only person on earth searching eBay for that dumbass fish shirt who lives on an island and yeah I also live on it's he's just sitting at his desk it couldn't be me somebody else it's not well here's

it sounds heartbreaking yeah yeah what if you if like our advice is to say okay so maybe this guy isn't for you so just stop hanging out with him and if that's option A and then option B is giving him sort of ultimatum where if you lose weight I'll hang out with you

wouldn't which is the lesser of two evils right we understand this is already an awful situation maybe he would go for a bad situation but they exist giving him an option I think there's the third option is what Jake said of try a little kiss see what happens there you see him

but it sounds like she wants it sounds like she wants you to tell her yeah it does that's what I'm saying it sounds like she's like look at this awful thing I have to do but my thighs are big too I think she might be asking us for permission I think she might be

she's like this guy's totally gross right and it's nasty if I kiss him and what if I'm like no actually it's totally cool and now she's like oh okay good because that's kind of how I was what I was leaning towards anyway so maybe you don't ask him to lose weight before you enter the relationship you enter

it and then in a more polite loving way you try to urge him towards living a healthier lifestyle and what's the wrong about that you keep coming back to this part about changing who he is but he's changing it for the better is it mean to say that

you have to we don't know we genuinely don't I mean I think telling someone to change who they are for you is bad yeah regardless of how I think if the two of them entered into a relationship and they both like

the thing about weight especially is like it's so much more complicated it's not just like I don't like those shirts you're wearing it's like somebody's body and how they treat themselves and how they're eating and like what sicknesses they might have he's lived in his body for 25 years

or two and a half weeks exactly and if you enter into a relationship and both of you are like here's the thing the way that I feel regardless of how much you weigh the way that I feel is bad I feel like sad all the time and I when I get very sad I eat even more and that makes me uncomfortable

and I'm embarrassed and the two of you both feel that way and the two of you want to change that together that's so much more different than like I don't like the way you look please stop eating right you know so it's like very different I guess what's the advice here go for it leave him alone

or I say try kissy kissy if you wanted and I feel like what you're saying is there's nothing wrong with like trying to help somebody have a healthier happier lifestyle but it's there's something wrong with doing it for your own purposes

yes absolutely if those if you're motivated by like I don't want to be embarrassed when we walk into a bar then don't tell him to lose weight but if you want to get into a relationship with him fall in love with him find out why he's unhealthy and if he'd be happier if he wants to change then you help him

do that it's like if he if he didn't feel comfortable in his body and he came to you and he was like I don't feel comfortable in my body do you have any tips then she could be like oh yeah here are my tips but like to just say we've been dating for a couple of weeks and you've searched for a shirt on ebay for me

but you have to lose a hundred pounds before I put your dick in like that isn't cool and I agree I think she should try some kissy kissy yeah I'm done with kissy kissy try the kissy kissy see it once maybe the kissy will be so good that you'll want to blow him

but make sure he's laying down on his back yeah fully supine yeah absolutely if not arched backwards on a medicine ball of sorts a beach ball a yoga ball what are those giant spheres called at the gym oh yeah what are those called

I think is it really a yoga ball or are you just saying what I said it sounded right or an exercise ball it sounded right the last exercise yeah the blow job ball you guys know what I'm talking about bjb they use them in yoga classes but that's not what they were

meant for really deviant perverted yoga classes Claire and Danielle thank you so much for coming thanks for having us thank you guys how do people listen to your podcast a couple of questions where can they find it it's part of this great thing called head gum yeah that's us

that's you guys oh okay so if you go to head gum dot com you can find it in the podcast page or you can google search it's coupla with an a at the end questions shouldn't be too hard to find do you have anything else you want to plug while your the mics are in your faces I guess

a couple of questions it's a podcast so listen to it that would be great there you are we're on it is our episode up when this premieres yes we'll make sure of it okay great sweet we should probably plug like one thing each okay we don't sound like loser you go um I'll plug uh

I don't have I don't have anything you brought it back you're like no we should why I uh you're like you're like the kid who asked for more more dry you stuff yeah yeah I could draw you stuff like I draw people

I make people presents that they give to loved ones do you have like holidays are coming up I do have an Etsy it's hair creature I got a tumblr with my art on it clare beecher hair creature dot tumblr.com I like clare beecher hair teacher

hair creature whatever whatever he likes it it's like do shake it below he was like yeah Ryan I worked on a movie the overnight that's now available on iTunes that came out over the summer uh check it out there we go

that's really good uh I have fashion videos on YouTube what the hell does that mean I'll make videos about fashion like really guys fashion girls fashion whatever uh it's like androgynous fashion kind of like hey I'm a girl who wants to wear boy clothes and I it's very hard to find

here are some tips so nothing so would there be tips for me I'm only thinking about myself always yeah that's fine I would have cast more androgynous should I wear cool so check those out wait what was the website

uh I mean just if you go to heydaniel.com then you just can find all of my stuff and that's daniel with two ends thanks clare with four Rs if you have questions for our podcast that email address is always if I were you show at gmail.com

we'll do our best to answer it whether clare and daniel are back or not we also start and end all of our episodes with original theme songs written by you all the opening one was written by Gabby Sol and this one is written by John Pilot pilot

P-I-L-A-T how'd you pronounce that Pilates Johnny Pilates uh thanks for listening everybody we'll be back next week bye and Jesus near have my penis to steer

away from the challenge and strife it would help to appease and start seizing the cheese or fend off advances from this shrew it would be

hashtag dope and I would just love to go at least if I were you