If I Were You - 187: Old Bully (live in Brooklyn!)

Episode Date: December 7, 2015

In this episode we discuss Serbia, Yu-Gi-Oh! and masturbation injuries. Recorded at "The Hall at MP" in Williamsburg, BK!This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, Leesa, and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

this is a headgum podcast hello hello howdy ladies and gentlemen please welcome the two koi jews her stars of college humor and if I were you a mere her wits and Jake Bloomin YEESSS! yes. Nice mic situation I love this Wow such short mic stands why? Insulting almost actually

Y'all met us backstage, you knew. Even if I sat down, this was too low. Right. Way too low. But I like what you're doing with the holding the entire thing. Yeah. That's nice. It's not even heavy either.

Shake it off a bit. I can go all night. Yeah, dude. Shit. All night. You can put it down. Okay. Nice.

Hey, wow. It's really nice to be back in Brooklyn. We're Jay-Z's tonight. Yeah. Tonight I am Carmelo Anthony. Slightly more talented. Last, way less. Slightly more Jewish.

More Jewish. Way more Jewish. How are you guys doing? Wow. This is fun, guys. We really appreciate you. This is fun, guys. We used to live here.

Yeah. This used to be my apartment. You were so rich back then. Yeah. This was a studio, and I swear to God, it cost me $9 a month. This neighborhood has changed. It's changed. It really has.

There's a Levi's store. Excuse you. And a Starbucks. It's awesome. How amazing is that? I love it. Oh my God, it's so much better. There used to be some fucking mom and pop.

Oh, do you want Coriander? No, I don't want to fucking Coriander. I want Levi's coffee. I want coffee. Yes. Come on, dude. If I'm not ordering a Trentae something, I don't want to fucking talk to you.

Now I'm paying $14 for a juice, hanging out with people who can only afford a $14 juice. It's the best. We fucking phased the losers out. Wow, dark. Oh, shit. Well, who here came from not in Brooklyn to see this show? Yeah, not Brooklyn.

Where did you guys come from? Alberta. Alberta? Alberta. Who said it? Canada? Canada. Bullshit, you came just for the show,

or you were here for another reason? Just for the... How long of a drive or flight is it from... Five or six hours flight? Wow. You didn't come for the show? Liar. We barely came here for the show.

You had some other shit going on in the city. You piggybacked on this. Western Canada. Western Canada? Like British Columbia? We have a show in Vancouver in like three weeks. You better start walking back down. You better start walking back down the airfare.

Where's the shawl? You have shawl? I'm not a shawl. You are in love now. Look at me. I am a shawl. Somebody spray painted a swastika on my back. Really offensive.

I'm still trying to figure this out. Well, yeah. I mean, a borderline doesn't matter, but we'll have to figure it out at some point. Yeah. No, it'll be an issue. I can't... I can't wait.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm gonna do it. It's gonna be fine. Thanks, man. Yeah. Do mine, too. Okay. Both of them?

Yeah. Okay. I'll juggle or some shit while to stall. Go for it, yeah. Do it. Does anyone have like a glass or a bowling pin, perhaps a chainsaw? No, don't.

I'm very uncoordinated. I nailed one. That was a pretty good... Yeah. Oh, so one and done, huh? Yeah. I don't know. It feels right.

You think you're good? Yeah. That's it for you? Yeah. What the fuck now? Pop a squat. That's actually a night... This is the master mic, and that's sort of like...

That's sort of a mini master mic, if you will. That's like a nice, like, rapper name. Master mic? Yeah. Whatever. Actually, I think that was the fourth Beastie Boy. This makes a master mic. Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah, baby. Yes. Yes. Yeah. All right. So, who here doesn't know who we are? Get the fuck out. This is us at a Dwayne Reed earlier.

Everyone had to leave. And then we just loaded up on, I don't know, lip balm. But the egg kind? You know how girls have the kind that's an egg? Why the egg? Not a convenient shape for a pocket. Just get the stick. Is all.

Yeah, no. This is your five minutes of stand-up. Do you want me to... Hey, don't think about eggs. Sorry, wait, wait. What? You got the yolk? Sure.

The whites, naturally. But what's the shell? Nobody talks about the shell. Yeah, dude. What's the nutritional... Tell them about the shell! Yeah. What's the nutritional ingredient, baby?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you. Thank you. No. This is all... I'm trying new shit out. All right. Egg shell.

Your phone's dead. God damn it! How egg shell is a color, but egg yellow is not. I mean, it just goes on for pages and pages. Nine texts from your dad that your mom said. Yeah. No, we don't know how to do stand-up. So, for those of you who don't know, Jake and I have an advice podcast.

It's a radio show that you download and listen to at the gym. Of course. And how it works is people will email us. They'll email us to ifirishow at gmail.com. And these are people who are in difficult places in their lives. They're in sticky situations. They don't know better. They're dumbasses.

They're so dumb. Yeah, well... And we're so good. No, you don't want to say that. I'll alienate everybody really quick. We aren't really experts at much, but we are kind of experts at being 20-somethings. Yeah. I've been at it for 12 years now.

We were so good at being 20, we turned 30. We survived our 20s, so we know that much. And usually it's just Jake and I in our apartment, naked, holding each other. In our study. Ooh, I love it. Which is why we're going to do a nude here tonight. You guys are a-floating, but if we actually did it... Everyone would leave.

Yeah. Some of you would be mortified. My penis is so average. This wouldn't be good. And you'd get used to it. And you wouldn't be nervous, because you're imagining us. I guess you wouldn't even have to imagine us. We'd be nude.

Yeah. My dick would be out. My balls would hit the stool. No, that's what we're over-selling them a little bit. Well, I'd be like this, and my balls would just be spread on the stool. Right on the corner. Yeah, on the corner of the stool. On the edge.

Yeah, like a water balloon. You know the slow motion of a water balloon hitting a face? We don't need more description than you've offered. You know the dolly painting where clocks are melting? The persistence of scrotum, just... Or that photo where the guy's screaming, and he sort of... Yeah, Edvard mooks the scream. The scream.

And it's like that, but it's my balls. Uh-huh. The ball. Yeah, this is me pitching heart to an art museum. As you're getting carried out. Yeah. This is freedom of speech. We'll never die.

Um, so yeah, we... If you guys are okay, I mean, I think it would be fun if we tried to answer some questions. Let's record a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We are going to sit at this point. Are you going to use the mic, Stan? I think I'm going to start with it for sure. Yeah, I like it. It's cool. I'll do this thing where I'm just like...

Oh, I hate that. I think this is like a casual, chill way to sit. The opposite of casual. It's so contrived. It looks... Yeah, the arm... The hand... The fingers are so rigid.

Yeah. So I'll just be like, hi. I mean, your hand's not even at rest. That's also not at rest. It's just angled. Yeah, that looks like it's strange. More strange. More.

It's definitely more. All right. Try relaxing everything. Nice. Not everything. All right. We got three bottles of water. Oh!

I ain't drinking the water, baby. Nice, dude. You really... Yeah! I got a problem! Yeah! You actually haven't had water in a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm all bulleted all day. Yeah, I saw you urinating earlier and it was thick, bright yellow. This is my urine. Yeah, that is your pee-pee. It looked like a highlighter mixed with whiskey. Fair. Hey! Change, change, change, change, change.

All right. I have in my pocket a phone. Sure. That's standard. But at the same... Oh yeah, cheers. But at the same time... All right.

Before we get started, cheers! We should have like a cheers thing that we do at live shows. Oh, that's like a chant. Yeah, like a chant. Yeah. Easy does it. We will... Oh, no.

It's too early. We'll get there. We'll get there. We're all going to do it. We're all going to die. Let me enjoy it for a second. It is fun to think about how in a hundred years all of us will be dead. All right, I have...

In my phone... But you, most of all... Yeah, oh. Someone in here will be the first to die. All right. Isn't that weird? Crazy. God, I hope it's me.

No. I stand to see all my new friends go away before I do. How selfish that is. I wish I die first. I don't want to bury a buddy. Yeah, you have to deal with that. Yeah. And I'm just gone.

You're like the guy that doesn't empty out the dishwasher. I am absolutely the guy that empties out the dishwasher. Let's read the question. So these are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names, you know, just to preserve their anonymity. What we need right now is a fake guy's name to get us started. I heard... I heard Crandis.

Crandis has followed us from show to show. Somehow, on Tuesday, Crandis was in Muhlenburg, in Allentown, Pennsylvania, where nobody is. We performed to an empty house, just Crandis. His name, every single question. His eyes on us, burning. Burning eyes. Burning eyes. Crandis writes...

He didn't laugh once. This is fun, you guys. Yeah, come on. Who here is having the least fun? Yeah. You raised your hand and you didn't clap, so I definitely believe you. Crandis writes, Hey cool dudes, I'm getting bullied by a 50 year old woman.

That's it. I work at a dollar store in Canada. You, whoo, like everybody also works at the dollar store? Oh, it was the Vancouver folks. That's what's up. Alberta. Yeah, of course. Was that Calgary?

Doesn't matter. I said Vancouver. It's all the same. It's all a blob. I'm getting bullied by a 50 year old woman. I work at a dollar store in Canada and one of my co-workers is an immigrant from Serbia. For the past few weeks, every time we cross paths at work,

she'll make a comment on my weight. She, yeah, it's funny. She laughs. She laughs in my face and says things like, I thought you were on a diet. And wow, you're getting so fat. She says it in front of the manager and everything. It's good to think of it as shit.

A few days ago, she burst out laughing and yelled, Oh my God, you're fat. So I flipped her off. Now I'd like to emphasize she's 50. So I felt weird giving her the finger, but I didn't know how else to react. She hasn't listened to me asking her to stop.

The following day, she confronted me calling me rude and disrespectful. I told her, I'm sorry, but I can't let her keep bullying me. She denied ever doing it. Like I would suddenly realize it's all in my head. After she denied and refused to apologize, I walked away.

The following day yesterday, I thought we were past it. So I said, hi, and she said, I hate you. And walked away. Please guide me on how to deal with bullying by a woman more than twice my age who barely knows English. Love, Crandis.

Let's get up for Crandis. Jesus Christ. If your life isn't bad enough when you work at a dollar store in Canada, a 50-year-old Serbian calling you fat. Yeah. It really hurts, especially if he is fat,

which it sounds like he has to be. It's such a weird level of sad to make your bully sad. Yeah. She's like, I hate you. You were mean to me. Yeah, cheer up, bully. What did he even do? He gave her the finger?

He gave her the finger, which in Serbia is a lot worse. And this lady survived ethnic cleansing, so it actually... She's been through a lot. Yeah, at this point, I mean, I feel like if you get bullied, the best thing to do is to just let it go.

The bully is trying to get a rise out of you. Is that what it is? Yeah, they're trying to needle you, get you to be mad. Yeah. So you know what I do when I'm getting bullied? Sure, go ahead. I giggle like a little schoolgirl.

You often get bullied for your giggle, don't you? Yeah. It's just self-executing. Look at this little bitch giggle. Oh, I hate it. Yeah, see? But then once you flip her off, that's like saying,

oh, you've gotten to me, bully. How bad is the finger that it would be like, oh, what did I do to deserve that? I hate you. I hate you now. It sounded like she already hated him a little. Yeah, because he was fat. Yeah.

You know, living well is the best revenge. Maybe this guy can just lose weight. No, then she wins. He has to get fatter. He's got to get so fat that he dies from a heart attack. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you think I give a shit stuffing a calzone in his mouth?

Yeah. A lasagna? Yeah. You know that she's not silent? Yeah. It's a lasagna. Huh? A lot of people don't pronounce that correctly.

I hadn't thought about it at all. Of course. And you are Italian. Exactly. All right. Is that an insult? Are you bullying me right now? I honestly don't know.

Hey, that's the worst thing you can do to someone. I love that he like feels a little guilty about it. I thought we were past it. I gave her the, like, I'm so surprised that's all he did. He should tell on her. She did it in front of my manager. This girl doesn't care. Of course she doesn't care.

What a bad manager. She's a 50-year-old from Serbia. Oh, let her do her thing. She's just having fun with you, fat ass. I'm on her side. I'm on team 50-year-old from Serbia. You are? Yeah.

She probably survived a lot of terrible things in her war time. You don't know if she was around for Kosovo. Who knows when she... She's mean. She's calling him fat. That's undeserved. That's the nicest thing you can do in Serbia. I don't know.

Sure. But now he wants advice on how to become friends with her again. My buddy, the bully. What if he quits? Isn't there a two-dollar store? Oh, that's actually not a terrible thing. Start your own store. What a terrible idea for a store.

Because it's not even... It's a little bit higher quality. A little bit higher quality. Double the price, same quality. Two-dollar store. Fair. I like it. No 50-year-old Serbian's allowed.

That's the name of the store. Yeah. How are they going to make that fit on a sign? Doesn't matter. Easy. The sign is also fat. That's how it works. Thank you.

Nice. I must say, we didn't help them, but let's answer another. I think the general advice is to not be perturbed by bullying. Yeah, sure. We're not be fat. Either one. Sure. Not be fat.

Not be ugly. Not be quote-unquote gay. You're, hey, putting words in my mouth and that's not fair. I do hate gay people, but I wasn't going to share that with people. I'm just kidding. All right. Hurwitz says, you said I hate gay people is all. We're going to edit this podcast out of context.

That's going to be an animated give. Oh, all right. I got a good one. I need another guy's name. Shmoomoo. Shmoomoo. Shmoomoo. Shmoomoo?

Shmoomoo. That's nice. Shmoomoo's good because Amir's middle name is what? Shmoow. Shmoow. Shmoow. Shmoow. Shmoow.

Shmoow. Shmoow. Shmoow. Shmoow. Shmoow. Shmoow. Whoa. Whoa.

Unwarranted. What do you think of Shmuella de Vil as a Halloween costume? A Dalmatian coat and a kippa. Yeah. Or a Dalmatian taulit. That's nice. And a rabbi. Yeah.

Sure. Yeah, that works we're just I hate thinking of Halloween costumes in November Which is why we should have Halloween in May just like they were talking about on the two innovation That's actually true He's actually here tonight, right Ben Huff No, but let's still yeah. No, we're gonna look at two of them All right shmumu, right? Yeah, we heard you

Sup guys huge fan of the podcast I truly hope you can advise me out of my current predicament and I would greatly appreciate the help Let's get right to my issue Me and my dime of a girlfriend of seven months have been looking for new and exciting ways to spice up our sex life nice the laziest hand there ever was Kanye on the couch Watching HGTV. I just love property brothers. Look at that barn door

Ha Eating an almond Missing his mouth. Yeah. Well, whatever. Hey, where'd it go? I'll vacuum later That's funny Oh, I ever try to do a Kanye vacuum What does the Kanye vacuum sound like again, I'll do it after thanks man First things oh naturally the first thing we were gonna try to do to spice up our sex life was to try different positions

First on the list the old dip pump, of course Do you guys know what the dip pump is great? What's the dip pump you ask? I'll let you know First she gets on the ground and lays on the back of her neck with a torso lifted off the ground heals overhead and asked to the heavens Next I straddle her thighs facing away from my mates so that she gets a nice view of my greasy brown eye Good writing Once I bend my shaft downward I start to pop some hearty squats into her delicious fur To my horror Just a few pumps in I

farted straight on to her chin and To make bladders worse a Bit of fecal matter Squirt it out that's right. I literally sharted onto my soulmates face Naturally the two of us were mortified and I immediately fled the scene of the chocolate crime She called me later that night and said everything was completely fine and she hasn't brought it up since completely fine How can she act this way when I asked blasted a duty goatee on her?

What the fuck? I'm terrified of how calm and okay. She was with this entire dare. I say fee asco Is she into this shit literally Should I be worried should I dump this scat dominatrix dame or maintain a relationship with this fecal fetish fiend love shmumu Hi, I Think I have the dip pump in my head What is it if we're like?

I'll them I am demonstrating it with my fingers. I could be the girl As a bit I do like you volunteered to be the girl So I Didn't say I was gonna do it First she gets on the ground and lays on the back of her neck with her torso lifted off the ground Um Next I straddle her thighs

Facing away from my mate. So she gets a nice view of my greasy brown eye And Then once I bend my shaft downward. I start to pop some hearty squats Into that delicious fur So let's do three squats and then a fire. I already did. There's one Squat poop and run away of the scene she's mortified. Oh Oh My god

So many that was captured We can't undo that I Graduated college man. This is so much worse for me. At least I failed out. What up? She was actually reading when it was happening too cuz it was advice from her email address. She was holding a microphone. Oh dear Uh He left without saying word Like he just grabbed his clothes. Yeah, I changed in the elevator. How Um

All right, I'm trying to black out what just happened So I can focus on the problem at hand. Yes He you were fully cloth doing it imagine actually taking a shit on someone. Well, like he got away with murder He pooped on his girlfriend and she was like it's cool and he's gonna take that like golden opportunity to Get off scot-free and he's like you're disgusting. Yeah You like that? Let me breaks up. What if he thinks she's into it and just starts pooping on her more What else could he think? Yeah, he's like a murderer It's like as if OJ was found not guilty and he's like well, I don't want to live in a society that would find me this way

OJ was found not guilty exactly, but he's he took it. He's he's he didn't like a man. Yeah It's like the Karl Marx thing. I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member He's given an opportunity and he's saying no, thank you. I don't want to live with a girl That would be okay with that thing, but she's not necessarily okay with it. She's just being cool And that's why he should dump her Instead of dump on her I'm clapping for the pun. I do think that's bad advice This girl has maybe the worst secret about you that there is if you are single then you maybe she'll just tell somebody like oh, yeah

I know that guy. He's shit on me It's you have to lock this up right now You pooped on someone and she's cool with you. So marry her This is her wedding vow. I pooped on you and you were cool with it. I pooped on thee So marry you. I am He's Yoda If anything our advice is for the girl, which is to get rid of this guy who's sort of looking down on you

For being okay and cool in his legs Three eyes one of them being the one that sprayed the fecal matter the greasy brown one. Yeah He didn't have to call it greasy. He's we all assumed He's a good writer though. I dug the pros for real. So should I should I be worried? Yes, but not for the reasons that you think you should be worried should I dump this scat dominatrix dame She's not a scat dominatrix. You shouldn't dump her. Yeah, just because I shit on someone doesn't make them a scat day If anything you are the scat Don't put that you're projecting

literally poo poo or Maintain this relationship. I would say maintain it if she'll take you at this point if she if you shat ran Yeah, and she's willing to be with you. She called you back amazing Actually, he should break up with her because I want to know who this woman is I don't know this Wonder Woman this hero that still hasn't washed her face Hey, man, this brown knight Duh when I was laying on the floor imagining you dip pumping me

Yeah, that was my everything Part of the reason I didn't really feel like doing it and to do it in front of my all my family and new friends Because I don't have old friends. Yeah, the man everything no old friends Nobody over the age of 49 at the very least that way. I won't get bullied Let's do another one before the break What do you want to do or should we take the break now? It has been half an hour So break. Yeah, why don't we take a little bit of a break? We'll do a break Yeah

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Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Let's just come back to this apply we're back. Yeah We accidentally leave that last sense in there I fall asleep at the wheel We need another guy's name Shia the boof rights There's this guy at my college that I've been hooking up with for about a year. He's also one of my best friends on campus I feel like I do a lot for him for example

I buy him food frequently when he got kicked out of our dorm building last year I let him stay in my room for an entire semester He's celebrated my last Thanksgiving with my family and if he's going to the supermarket or something I always ask him if he needs me to pick up anything for him one day I was going to Target and he asked me to buy him a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards At the store I tried to call him and ask him what kind to get but the service was poor And it was very crowded and loud So I grabbed a pack and I looked that looked the prettiest to me and I threw it in my cart

I gave him the cards when he reimbursed me for the four dollars I paid for them when he opened the pack he found a card inside that was worth $60. I was excited about it With him because $60 is a lot of money to a broke college student I assumed he would share the winnings, but he said he was going to keep it a hundred percent All the $60 for him. It's been a few weeks and the worth of the card has gone up to $90 What a volatile stock exchange this is It's like Bitcoin. No more volatile This coward is still adamant that I don't deserve a penny for the money that he gets once he sells the card

But I think I at least deserve some of it after all I was the one who picked out the pack to buy He and I are going to your Brooklyn show this week He doesn't know I'm writing into you Maybe you guys could give us your two cents What are your opinions is he entitled to all $90 or do I deserve a small cut of that sweet sweet cash? Love shy of the boost First art is the Yu-Gi-Oh couple actually here, holy shit Yu-Gi-Oh Yu-Gi-Oh Yu-Gi-Oh

Still drinking should we do want to bring her up on stage? Should we bring her or both? Do you want to bring them both or do you want to just bring her that's a good question? Who do we bring up I? Think all right. Let's bring them both bring them both Let's pick a position dip pump Who gets who ah Jesus Christ I get you again Where did they go? They're already hopping on the L

That guy stealing money out of her purse Let's go it up for these fine folks All right, I'm gonna take team this guy, okay, I'm gonna yell and I'll be the the morally correct side Sir what is your name? Juan Juan Jake what is your name? I'm Yaakov Son of God

What's your name? I'm Olivia Olivia versus Juan Okay, so let's let's debate. Yeah, he paid for the cards You little piece of shit. I don't even need to say anything Amir is clearly right here. I Guess I feel like they have there's a I Don't know if we have a real case But let me tell you what there's a difference between doing the the the legal thing and there's difference between doing the right thing No, there's not yes, there is it's just the law

We live by a code You're splitting the profit Dude give me 40 the bucks. It's a hundred dollars now. It's a hundred. Holy shit the card is When it went up man, what are you? I could give you 50. I could give you 50. Why are you gonna give a mirror 50? What do you do? I love this man. How do you feel about me? What Amir Amir is clearly superior Amir is clearly superior Which I agree with but for some reason I feel like you guys are lumping me in morally with Juan

Just take what he says at face value All right, well, let's just do it like an applause a meter who here thinks Olivia deserves a little bit of cash I mean my god It's overwhelming in a jury selection. I would ask everybody now to leave Everybody that applauded it gets to go who thinks one who paid for the cards that he got Own the cards himself deserves to do what he wants with the cards that he paid for this America after all Let's get over one Wow, that is a record low number of people cheering for America

Let me tell you guys a little something we I did some research on this question I emailed a lawyer that I know So I do have a Legal opinion here. Would you like to hear it? Would you like to hear it? We're gonna just do this What is this Yu-Gi-Oh card do that? It's worth a hundred dollars. I couldn't tell you man What's the name you don't even give up? Why did you ask her to get the cards called? It's called archfiend eccentric So you did know the entire time Like I don't know man. What are they archfiend eccentric? It's the best one

It's worth 12 Yu-Gi-Oh points Exactly about 12 man. I mean yeah, like he definitely lost the battle because he does play with the Yu-Gi-Oh cards Okay, here we go. This is from a real-life lawyer My dad's attack he's a fucking accountant. He's a glorified pencil pusher Don't let my father in with this guy's a this is a lawyer who deserves my mother I I'm sorry. My dad is an ice cube like I don't He's a blowfish

Love you mom hoodie. My mother is the my mother's a queen. My dad is is an Ottoman This comes from a lawyer here we go He is 100% entitled to keep all the proceeds once he buys the cards. Thank you end of story stop I can keep on going in essence She rendered a service for him on a no fee as a personal courtesy and he repaid the full value of her cost She paid four dollars for the cards She received four dollars from him and he keeps the cards those cards became the property of the recipient once he paid for them Okay, there's more looked at another way

She's simply sold him her cards for four dollars once you sell something you irrevocably Transfer title to the buyer what the buyer does with this asset is the buyer's choice and is solely for the buyer Benefit on a legal basis. She doesn't deserve nor is she entitled to anything? Yes, dude, what his moral what his moral or personal obligations to her as a friend and as someone who has benefited from her Generosity in the past or something else entirely that is my professional opinion though personally I think this guy is an asshole Save me. Hey, hey, hey, we're not debating on whether or not one is an ass. We all dislike one We all like one and I'll tell you what I'm gonna do right now is a personal courtesy

I do believe I have $60 in my wallet You give it to one This will pay top dollar for this Yu-Gi-Oh card It's an accessory or shot to Tatra. You said it is exactly $60. So it's $100. This is my father's money This is for you Take it you get out of here you go buy us buy us a whiskey. We'll have it after the show Let's give it up for both of these people they're nice guy. No, no Come on

Third time Yeah, we did it one more time for one and what's your name? What's your name? What I'll give you a little bit. I want an Olympia everybody. Let's give it up. I Think we're finally here at our final question Unless somebody has $60 for Jake come on I showed that that was really cool of you, man You think I give a fuck me on he's making me bank. You know what I'm saying? You got paid for those ads uh, what's up, buddy? No, no, no, I just love soft underwear Nature box that's what's up

We do have one last question it's just shouting out advertisers this is like blue aprons wet dream I Purple potatoes jerking off to this idea This is a question about masturbation. You know what I was thinking tell me it could be another position It could be fun to bring out a friend of ours Yeah Someone who I can only assume is a masturbation expert. I don't know you know him more than I do What do you think about this guy? This guy's so good at masturbating. He once came just when he was lifting weight

You know him from our podcast and from the Twin Innovation podcast put your heads together for Dave Rosenberg He's 100% not coming up. No, yeah, he's not here. No, he's coming. He's coming. He's coming. Come on. Let's do this Yes Test test this is Dave Rosenberg's mic, but not David Rosenberg's voice Still me everybody There he is Oh What a perfect way for Dave to come on stage spill all over himself

Where'd you get that shirt the shirt that says howdy, but looks like it says haughty I made it Do you regret spilling all over yourself a little bit? I didn't spill All right, fair enough. I've never spilled Bright hat off. Let's see the flow dog. Come on, Davey Yes, dude Thank you for showering Brows

You can't see anyone out here. That's my babe Anna. I love you She is the light All right Dave was I correct in assuming you're a masturbation expert? I know I love you Dave do you have a fake cross? Like that a lot very natural One of those boots is eight feet longer than the other it's so interesting

Do you have a fake name for us? It's a guy's name David Great imagination I'll make this short and not so sweet whilst masturbating I tore what can only be called the gash through the middle of my bell end with my thumbnail Ah Purely due to the vigorous action of beating my meat Now I'm left with a peen which is sliced and or diced

I don't know who to ask for help as I'm too embarrassed to go to my parents friends or doctor What would you do if you were me? Please help I am in pain love David. All right Give it up for David Who is played like a snake's tongue Like a orchid a hot dog on a grill for too long. Yeah Split in half. Yeah ever hurt yourself Jango Never Just a thousand memories flashing before your eyes before you answer that

No Not physically dick is somewhere in a jar having to be removed I Love the idea too embarrassed to go to a doctor bleeding out I'd rather die than fucking admit to this quack whose job it is to look at dicks That I'm too embarrassed to admit that I've jaded You're just gonna make fun of me man

He's a doctor he legally can't tell anybody if you're worried just think about the eulogy it will be so much more embarrassing What would you do if you entered your dick David? You take a bath with salt water? How do you know that? How did you know that so quickly David? He wrote the email Yahoo answers So you oh you take a bit and the salt water disinfects your cut throw a little clam dip in there That's your solution for everything and it works I

Have you ever had any masturbation injuries chafing or you know anything of that nature sure a little bit of chafing here In there and then what you go to the internet you go to a doctor you go to a loved one a friend Honestly, you just masturbate with a little bit more Vaseline than usual and all it's gonna be that's all it is Yeah, well, I've never been gushing blood and my reaction is to write to a podcast Yeah, isn't that more embarrassing than seeing a doctor. Yeah, I mean this David You know we don't check our email that often if you're not gushing blood. You're not doing it, right? That's not what master was to die by If you're not gushing blood, you're not doing where's my Twin Innovation nation

This is fine you guys get paid for this shit should we answer one more question One final question to rule them all sure, I mean we only have Dave here for so long. I feel like it's all are you Use our towel the whiskey Yeah, I know that was a lot of Dave lip on my All right, let's get one last mails name Earl Boykins. I heard Earl Boykins Five foot six inch boy card Hey, Jane. I am an 18 year old from Fagi old England his words not mine would never use that

This is entirely whiskey. Thank God. You didn't chuck it. I Recently broke up with my longtime girlfriend of two years because she was constantly saying I didn't do enough for her random gifts Etc. And that was really getting me down. So I cut it off She recently went missing for a night and I was and I was questioned by the police all you guys who laughed at it I did too though Seriously went missing for a night. I was questioned by the police for her kidnapping turns out She slept around with some random guys and did not tell her flatmates So after all this I decided to check on her

She said it was a mistake and wanted to get back together with me if I changed I Said no then I blocked her but here's the problem now I feel alone So my question is is it worth getting back with my ex that made me so unhappy Just to have some company the fuck said yes Or should I just keep my chin up you are the ex Or should I just keep my chin up and keep looking to endure hopefully temporary isolation many things love Earl Boykins The question is He feels lonely after breaking up with his girlfriend

He wants to get back master visions a little a little dangerous as we all know at this point You don't want to hurt yourself. Yeah, this is a he's so self-aware of you do want to hurt yourself What she says you're not bleeding you're not doing it. I know you already said that That's the back of this howdy so nice. I'll say it twice It is easy to get back together with your loved one That's why so many people do it sure breaking up his heart and staying together as he's like Lex Luthor He just laid out his evil master plan. He's like is that good of course not It's an evil plan his plan was to get back together until he found someone better. Yeah, you know, that's ultimate

Nope, never get back together with someone that dumped you or that you broke up Never ever never is anyone in a relationship. I think that's good advice But you did also tell people to bleed while they masturbate Howdy is anyone in a relationship right now that they had broken up and got back together Some people not gonna laugh that whoo was so unenthusiastic for a reason because you're still sort of second-guessing it Yeah, and your girlfriend's here I Hope so it's like playing a video game and forgetting to save and having to play the same level over again You're like I'm annoyed. I have to do it, but I'm still gonna do it. Yeah

It's never gonna work out You think you think I'm looking at you think if you get back together with someone you have to like go on a first date again How many people have gotten divorced and gotten back together? 90 let's take it to the extreme. I Don't know no up the top of your head 910,000 I come from a broken family. I love you mom and dad. I know you're out there, but uh, they're both gonna work I guess the ultimate suggestion is that there's a reason you broke up perhaps What you're looking for doesn't exist

You're looking for a companion that you already had and you already decided that it was too hard to stay together So why get back together into this relationship that you already know is dysfunctional well Let's who's here who here's single? And who here likes to fuck So why would you not be single and fuck Fuck having a boyfriend fuck having a girlfriend if you came with a significant other break the fuck up tonight Dave what's up? I love you Anna. I love you on Guys, I think that's our time, but thank you so much for coming

Did you guys have fun? If you need us we'll be around after the show hanging out having fun drinking a little bit. Thank you so much You've been an amazing crowd. Let's give it a one more time for Dave One more time for Jake One more time for a mirror Yes, yes, good night everybody. Thank you so much Oh That was a hit gun podcast