If I Were You - 188: Red Dot (w/Jonathan, Jerah, and James III!)

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

Friends and hosts of "Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood" join us to discuss ghosting, fading away, and unread texts! This one is a party.This episode is brought to you by SkurtApp.com, BirkSun, and ClubW!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hey, welcome back to If I Were You. Uh, no, not welcome back. This is the beginning. That was the perfect intro before. Let's do it one more time. Ready? We just heard something great. Woo!

I love it. That was amazing. We're out the way. We're out the way. This episode is more of a party than anything else. We have three guests for the first time ever. Wow. Jarrah, James, John, Jake.

Everybody has a J name. That's kind of cool. Yeah, you know, we have one A name, though. Your name is still cool. Well, my name, oh, I guess I can have a J name if you wanted to give me one. Like, what do you think? What do I look like?

Oh, oh, oh. Hmm. Jew. Oh, I'm not saying that. Wait, what about Josh? Josh. You know what? No, I don't say Josh.

No. Let's say a Joseph. Oh. I like Joseph. Yeah. I have a cousin, though. His name is Jamar. Oh.

Which I feel like it's almost like adding a J to your name. And then, like, there's Jamir, Jamir Nelson. Oh, yeah. Jamir Aqai. Yeah. Oh, Jamir Aqai. Jamar is good. That's a good name.

Jamar Aqai is also nice. He's just about renaming me to be slightly cooler. Guys, thanks for coming on our program. Thanks for having us, Jamir Aqai. Thanks for having us. For those of you who don't know, these guys are the hosts of their own show on the Head Gum Network. That's right.

It's called Black Man Can't Jump. Hey, so technically, are we on our ball? Is this like a review with the boss? Are we, like, on the boss? Yeah, this is a performance review. This is a performance review. Oh, crap. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I'll tell you right now, by the end of this podcast, only two of you will be the host of Black Man Can't Jump. I'm one of them. How is that fair? A fight to the death. Me and James are already fighting for a microphone. I'm just saying it's like we changed your name to Jamar, and now you are.

Well, thanks for coming on our program. You guys really appreciate it. Though we are in your home court right now. That's true. We in New York. We in New York. Sick. Nick, our producer's home.

I've named job Nick all the time. Do you ever call him famous? Has Nick ever talked on our podcast? Nick has never spoke. Nick has never said anything. Not once. But Jarrah feels the need to bring up his name all the time, and now it's on your episode.

Now on your. It's hard not to acknowledge his presence. There's two other people in the room right now. Yes, it's true. Other producers are popular on other podcasts. Is that true? Like who? Well, engineer Cody.

Who is that from? I think it's comedy bing bing. I bet you their engineer producer doesn't have good hair like Nick. Nick has some good hair. Nobody is like we definitely have the best looking producer. Oh, yes. True. By far.

I've never seen another producer. I would put money on. Yeah. Well, because Nick's like one of the best looking humans that you know. Yeah, exactly. Oh, wait. Are we pipping out? I love that.

Whenever, whenever somebody compliments Nick on his appearance, he just, he just goes, yeah. And I mean, I feel like I've never seen him shake his head. Yeah. Everyone's wishing they could see a picture of him, but he will forever be. We should put up a Nick pic. Yeah, we have to. Oh, Nick Nick pic.

Yeah, yeah. Snap. Isn't it more a Nick dick? Nick dick. Oh, yeah. Nick dick. Or we're calling Nick a dick. The dick.

Either way, it works out of Nick being a dick. True. On your guys podcast, it's I feel like it's a very intellectual discourse. Just breaking apart race, gender, stereotypes and film. And then there's Jake in my podcast, which is just like advising people about whether or not they should break up with their girlfriend. Not as a smaller problem. That's super important.

Yeah. Yeah. More important to specific, like two people and less important to everybody else on her. I don't have a girlfriend. So I mean, yeah, yeah. Let's start with that. Just so we just so we're fully caught up.

You guys single just so I understand your viewpoint going forward. I'm I'm dating someone. I am also happily dating someone. Happily. Oh, God. I didn't know I wasn't mad a second ago. And that's why I'm not dating anybody. Because I fear that I fear little mistakes.

You know, it's dangerous. It's like thin ice. Yeah. Tiny. Can I say this though? The person that I'm dating is my first girlfriend ever. Well, what? I didn't know that.

How long have you been dating her for like over a year and a half now? I think. And how old are you? 27. Oh, so you didn't start out. This is an adult relationship now. You're an activist at a 27. That's pretty serious.

Let me just say this. The girl that I'm dating right now is this my last girlfriend. Thank you. No, yeah, he just means he's going to die alone. All right. Thanks for coming everybody. We'll be back. No.

So you guys, you guys understand me. This is an advice podcast. People will email us their, their, their questions. They're sort of seeking our wisdom and guidance. Sometimes it's just Jake and I sometimes we're joined by friends. Today we're joined by the most amount of friends we've ever had three in the same room, five people, one podcast. I'm so many opinions.

So aware of how people cannot distinguish whose voices. Oh yeah. At one point me and Jimmy shared a mic. So it was two dudes, one mic. Yeah. I wonder if we just said two people draw on the mic. Anybody would call us out for that. If we just said there's two people in the room.

Or if we just said there's one guest. Yeah. It's me doing voices like Carl Winslow. So are you guys opinionated? Are you guys down to help at least lend your wisdom? There's no right or wrong. I think we'll be judged on whether or not this is good advice. Right.

If I were you. So it's all like, you can't go wrong. Yeah. All day. Right. Yeah. Definitely ready. I promise me you'll say what you think.

Absolutely. I think I'm going to be really good at this. All right. All right. Okay. I actually agree. I think you will be very good. I think it would be the best.

Oh yeah. At this. I actually think my girlfriend will be the best. But I guess that's me. All right. Ready? Yeah. Here we go.

Oh, this is also a great part of our show. We have to come up with fake names for these real people. Do you want to start giving us a fake name? For a guy or girl? For a guy. Let's say Charles. Charles Love. Oh.

Charles Love. Charles Love. Bang bang. Love that. Charles Love writes, three years ago I dated this chick and we ended up breaking up because I was a dick cut to 2013 and we start dating again. It's been about two and a half years and things are starting to go back to the way it was before. I'm finding her too clingy and annoying and not that attractive even though she's like

a 7.9 out of 10. We're always getting into arguments and honestly I don't know whether to break up with her or not. I want to, but when I think about breaking up with her, I miss the sex and stuff. I don't want to feel lonely. I always feel like I can get with other girls when I'm with my girl, but I hate the feeling of dating her or even screwing somebody else and then I get jealous when she talks to other boys.

I know I sound like a dick, but maybe I'm still with her because I don't want to be alone. I'm 20. So what should I do guys? Should I break up with her keeper or have one last root and then boot? Some days I do feel like I love her, but other days not so much. WTF is wrong with me. Help please sincerely. Charles Love.

Who wants to go first? I got to stay before. This has to be a video podcast because your reactions are so funny. I feel like you're about to tackle me. That's the one you want to say. First off, Charles. I thought that Amir wrote the email. Charles put yourself in the face, Charles.

Let me tell you why. Charles love. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. I'm not going to defend Charles.

Love over here. His name is too. He goes first off, she gets under, she's a seven point. What is a seven point nine shut the hell up. Charles. You got a girlfriend. And you probably ain't that damn attractive. Charles.

I'm saying it. He said his girlfriend ain't that attractive. He said you know what's happening now? Charles. Two years later you're being a dick against Charles. That's what's happening. I should be a man, figure your shit out and get, no, no. Screw Charles, we started off like this.

He gave her a 7.2, 7.9, just say an eight then damn, Charles. 7.9, what does that? I have to agree with you on that one. Just say eight. What's wrong with you, Charles? Charles, be a human, okay? All right, all right, all right, draw. No, I'm not, one more thing about Charles, okay?

If Charles has a high top fade, screw yourself again, Charles. Okay, Charles, I'm gonna tell you why. You're putting a haircut on him, because I feel like I know what Charles looks like in any race he might be, okay? In all races, he's still an asshole, be better. You think he looks like Iman Shumpert?

Yes, yes. I feel like somewhere right now, Charles has a gold chain. Oh, sorry, go ahead, Brett. Okay. I'm really happy you're going next, because I got that verbal lashing. First of all, I do have to say though,

you're not crazy, Charles. You seem like the more sensitive kind guy. I mean, look, I'm not gonna defend all of Charles' actions. I do think the way that he's looking at relationships is a little problematic right now, but you're not crazy. Also, you're very young, and it makes sense that you would be thinking

about other girls and all that stuff. Even when you're the most happily married people, think about that stuff. Didn't all of his problems disappear when we heard he was 20? Yeah, it did. I feel like everyone just left. I think it was just because he was like,

because he was like three years ago, I broke up with her and then... We got back together. Then we got back together, and now we've been together for two and a half. Back in my old behavior. To me, I added up like five and a half years, and then when he said he was 20,

I was like, you're talking about a high school relationship. You were like nine when it started. What? No, we nipped this in the book, Charles. I will say, here's the thing, I will say to, well, maybe to Jera's point, I don't know really what he was trying to say, but when you're in a relationship for love,

and you have to know that there are gonna be some days that are not gonna feel as good as others, right? That's natural, but that doesn't mean that the relationship is a mess. That being said, just wanting to stay with someone, just because you like having sex with them and you're jealous of them having sex with somebody else is not a good reason to stay in a relationship.

Sex is hard to have on your 16. Right. Post 20, I don't need a girlfriend so I can have sex. Yeah, you're 20. If anything, a girlfriend is a little bit more prohibitive to me having sex. I have way more sex when I'm single than in a two and a half year relationship.

Especially when you're 20, because that time you can go to the gym and get ripped in two seconds. Yeah. What is my thing? I don't even know if I'm saying that about Charles, this is my thing. I feel like, man, we've been doing not us in this room

because we're all wonderful, man. In general, man, I began a bad rep for cat calling and dude and being just jerks. Come on, man, we gotta step up. Because right now we don't nip this 20 year old Charles in the bud and be like, Charles, step up or just be nice. Charles is gonna be, you know what he's gonna be? He's gonna be a 30 year old dick.

It's good that he's coming to us now. Yeah, so like Charles, me being angry with you, Charles, it's just me being like, I love you, Charles. It's better, Charles. But now, here's my thing though. What are you saying he should do? Are you saying he should stay with us, bro? I think he needs to just like decide, sit down,

have a conversation, do you really like her? That's it. And if you don't like her as a human, if you don't like hanging out with her, if you don't like being around her without having sex. Well, the hardest breakups are ones that don't like stem out of a specific fight or reason. Like, I often times hear or remember feeling like,

oh, I wish she just did something bad because that would give me a reason I can point to be like, you cheated on me. So a lot of times people are just like, oh, I'm just gonna be so mean to her until she does something awful, then I have a reason or she'll break up with me and I can get out of it. The problem is breaking up is so hard

because you will feel lonely afterwards. So that's the hardest kind of breaking up to do, especially when you're 20 because you don't know what's gonna happen between 20 and 30. This is like 20% of his life has been with this girl. So he's like, holy shit, what am I supposed to do without her? Maybe what if I don't find anybody else?

Odds are he will find somebody else. He knows he will, I feel like really, like if 20, nothing's actually happened yet. Yeah, you don't have a career, you're not like, there's, you're gonna grow up, you probably haven't even finished growing as a man. This is what 40-year-old would tell us. We're like, no, we're 30, we get it.

And then that's 40 is like, 30, you haven't even done anything yet. So you don't know, yeah, exactly. It's true, it's true. It's all relative. What do you guys think? This is what I wanna say to Charles. This is James the third.

Charles, this is James the third. Oh, hey. And look, man. The name does carry a lot of gravitas. The voice gets extra deep. Yo, the whole time, man, it doesn't sound like you're talking about her and how you feel about her.

Exactly. And you might not wanna be alone, but that doesn't have anything to do with her. The sex also, I'm sorry to say, it doesn't have anything to do with her. Sex feels good, it does. Sometimes it's not the best time, but like sex, but sex feels good, it does.

So you gotta, like Jarod was saying, you gotta like, you gotta be a man and you gotta think about how you feel about her. And if you love her and want to be with her, then you need to stick it out. But you don't need to just have one and done or whatever the fuck the last one was. He said like one last root.

It's been two and a half years. Like it's not like one last good one. A root and boot is what he called it. A root and boot. Charles, Charles, Charles. You knew that was gonna get read. You said root and boot, Charles. Root and boot.

Who says, what is boot? Come on, Charles. I can't be a friend of yours, Charles. You can say root and boot knowing people gonna hear that. To be fair, he's probably British. Oh, you say root and boot? Oh, respect. Respect.

Love it. Because you don't say anything with an accent, it's like, oh, that kinda sounds cool. Yeah, it's charming. That was charming. I mean, how often do people stay together because it's like, oh, I don't want her to fuck somebody else? I mean, that's the weirdest thing, man.

I try to think about people taking a dump. Wait a minute, hold on. Let's just talk about real quick though, because if you, that is like some possessive, like weird, disgusting stuff. I don't, I can't connect that to make me care about. I get that. Because you don't own her?

Like she can have sex with whoever she wants, so you guys break up. It's true, but the thing is so weird, not to defend people who think like that, but it's like, I've had that thought of like, let me tell you why, but it is a very gender biased thing where it's like, I feel like we live in a world where like, women definitely control their sexuality,

but men are such assholes in a way where it's like, a man and a woman can like agree to have sex, but at the end of the day, that dude could be like, I fucked her and sorry to use crass language, but it's like, it's that thing of like, with someone, it's so hard and aggressive. Yeah, and it's like, if someone says that to someone about somebody you love or loved, it's like, you muck.

It's like, it instantly brings out like, cause you know what it is to be single and just to fuck. And it's like, and Brachyov is almost like, casting somebody into that vile world. Like you respect her more than, you know, it's like, I already, I owe my defense like, respect her more than that. Like, why are you just, you what?

Like, I don't know. Even if it was like consensual, it's like, it's just a. Right, especially cause you spent the last two and a half years in a relationship where there's like, wait a minute, I'm going to the parks and go to the museum and meeting her family. You just got drunk with her one night and you get to fuck her.

That's so disrespectful almost. But like, that depends if like, that's what she wants. Like if somebody's like, if, if Charles Gropin wants to go out and just get like raw fucked, like hell yeah, then she gets to do that if she's single. I think it's like, Charles isn't allowed to keep on care. Like, I mean, he can care, but like. You can care, but he should put it out of his mind.

And that's not a reason to stay in a relationship. I feel like he's also like using that idea as like, is that love wondering if that's love? No, no, it's not. But, but do you know what I mean? But that's what he's wondering. He's going, he's going, I'm, I feel bad when I think about her being with someone else.

Like sure. It's insecurity. Right, right. Right. I will say that. I will say that. That'll be my last point of Charles. Like dude, love, you'll know it because you will want to do.

You will want to make her happy. You will stop thinking about your happiness. You'll start thinking about hers. And if all you're doing, which it sounds like honestly, from your question, if all you're doing is thinking about your happiness and how much she's not making you happy, then it's like, dude, then get out of it, because that's not what love is about.

Love is about making the other person happy. I always thought love was just maximized like. No. Like the most at age 20, the most you like somebody is love. And it's different when you're 30. Cause then the maximum becomes a different amount of maximum. Right, right, right. But I'm very analytical, mathematical.

No, I think the same thing is like, are you single? Yeah. See, I'm also single. But I think of love as like very like, like. I like it the most. Yeah, it's like, to me, it's like, it's very like conscious. It's like, okay, I'm deciding whether or not I'm alive. So you should go into like a point to even become love.

It's like, okay, I like this person. Let's stick this out and get to the point of love. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it's very like calculate. It's like a good risk. Let's do it. Right. And some people start out with love and get lower.

I think I start out with like and get higher. I start out with love and I get lower. I just need to like know when to adjust like. The levels. Yeah. So like, you need a level later. I can basically always fall in love at the drop of a hat. So most of the time I'm like looking not for love at all.

Right. I went every once, every couple of years, I'm like, time for love. And then like basically whoever's nearby, just get it. I guess all in a row. Right, you want to love. I remember you fucked a cactus once. Yeah, yeah, I love that cactus.

I guess it was the first thing I saw. I think Charles, man, we love you, man. Just step up, Charles. It's true. It really is. Step up, man. That's it. I feel like at age 23 and a half years

of being in the relationship, you gave it a go. Why don't you see what else is out there? Go out there, run a muck. Yeah. And also. Be like young James was. And like, but also. Don't do that to me.

But also don't be a dick and don't be like the reason I'm leaving you is because I want to have sex with other people. Like, I don't know. Just say it. I don't know. I want to have like a more robust experience. I want to experience new things, you know, learn. It's so hard to say that.

It's hard to say that with that. That's what I was saying. It's hard to break up with someone without a specific reason. I remember when I was like 23, we were like both being so cryptic. And finally, I was just like, yeah, I want to sleep. She was like, do you want to sleep with other people? And I was like, yes. And she's like, get the fuck out.

I was a douser when I was younger. I guess they call it ghosting. I'm not proud of it. And I may be still do it. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. And I may be still do it. I hate it.

I may be now. I'm trying my best to stop doing it now. A lot of people ghost now. Yeah. It was easier to ghost. I think it was easier to ghost before when you could be like, Oh, that's true. That text didn't come through.

Because now like your text comes through on like four different devices. And now like you have social media. So like I may stop texting, but if I do like a post for like a show or, for instance, one time I posted, this is my fault. I posted our podcast. It was like, oh, check out a new episode. And I did not respond to text messages in like three or four days. Oh, you can post about a podcast.

But she gave us one. I was like, that's very valid. I am sorry. So your fault for not hiding her on your Facebook. It was like, it was my fault again. Well, my issue with ghosting is one, it's easier for the ghoster. It's easier for you not to do anything than to actually deal with a confrontation.

But two, what is she hoping to get out of calling you out? Like whenever I'm ghosted, I'm never just like, hey, you ignored me. And then it's like, okay, I'm putting her in a position where she has to respond to me. Okay. To be honest, I don't like you. All right. That's all I wanted.

I guess you want to come. I've been ghosted recently, you know, and it happens. I'm like, you know, I don't like it again. It feels good though. I'm like, good for you. Yeah. I'm like, it only depends on how long, how long the communication has happened for, I guess.

But I also my dad ghosted me. Yeah. Oh, no. 41 years. But I think I think it's so like people are so afraid of confrontation, but it's like, well, I don't know. I guess it's because some of the people when they respond so badly to like hearing, it's totally just being afraid of.

Like, I don't want to have to stare someone in the eye or text them and say, listen, I don't want to hang out with you anymore. But that's a difficult thing to do. That's a difficult thing to do. Like people that you would feel like that could handle that news. Everybody can't handle it. I know. Nobody's got to run off.

Some people freak out. Some people are freaking out. It's fine. Like they're not going to jump off a mirror because you said, hey, I can't be with you right now. Exactly. Someone might stab you with a fork or something. Yeah.

That person was going to stab you. That's what I'm saying. You're kind of just looking for an excuse to do it the entire time. If you ghost them, they'll probably do much worse than you than being honest. Oh my goodness. Because in reality, it's the more polite thing to do. Totally.

Even if at the time they feel like anger, eventually they'll be like, well, I'm glad I know. It's better to know now than to write a question to a podcast and be like, yeah, there's this crowd. There's a middle ground and it's called Fading Away. No, that's ghosting. Fading Away. Ghosts?

Like fate. Like they don't, nobody's like spooked. Like what was that? Like there's like, I know what you're saying. That's dropping subtle hints. He's gone. A ship disappearing on the horizon. That's ghosting.

That's ghosting. It's a slow ghosting. It's pouring off the bandaid in the shower. That's what it is. Well, you guys started off early. It's a slow ghost. I don't respond to text messages for like an hour or two. Yeah.

Just naturally. So that way it's like. Even if you get it right away. Even if I get it, I'm like, oh, I definitely respond a little later. You don't want the person to know that you can respond right away. You got to set a standard of like, hey, I might respond. I'm sorry. It's a hundred percent true.

I'm sorry. This isn't even, this isn't even just for girls. This is everybody universal. People should not have access to you 24 seven. That's good. Yeah. You have to slow. You have to tighten the faucet.

Yeah. It's got to be a drip. It can't just be like the floodgates are open. Now we're having full on like back and forth conversation, but it does speed up really very quickly. Like you wait an hour. She waits 48 minutes. Then you're like, I'll wait 47.

And then that number gets lower and lower. And suddenly you're like instantaneous. One quick. I like to be confusing. I like to zig when others act unprofessional. I like I was. I was. I went on a Tinder date with this girl.

Yes, dude. And oh, we can talk about Tinder all day, but I went on a Tinder date with this girl and and I thought we had a good time and she said we had a good time. And she was like, yeah, like let's go out again. Like she said that. It's great. I was texting her trying to figure out a time every time it was kind of busy.

And then I realized oh, she's like slowly ghosting me. Yeah. And then I just texted her. And I was like, hey, if by the way, if you don't want to go out, just tell me and I'll stop asking you. And she was like, oh, yeah, sorry. I'm I guess I don't. Yeah.

And I was like, do you understand how easy this was to just text me that? Like I don't know you. Calm down. Just text me. You don't care. Like I thought you care. That's why I was trying. What if it's the 10th day and you don't want to go on an 11th?

Then it comes a little harder. I mean, yeah, maybe. Oh, maybe just because it's like, do I do it in text? Do it in person. Yeah. But like I still think telling somebody straight up is just a better way because then it's like, they know. And then like if they start acting crazy, then that's their fault.

But if you start ignoring somebody, how do they know? It's like, how do they know if you're busy or not? You know what I mean? I don't want like 5, 7, 10, however many girls it will end up being before I kill myself out there mad at me. I want at my funeral when the girls come together. If they do, I think they should all come to my funeral. Oh, they all should come.

I don't want them all to be mad. If I died in an accident, there'd be like eight different people being like, we were so close. They would be like, how did you know? We're dating. We're dating. I'm just saying it's hard to have that conversation, but I think it makes you look like the better person later on.

Maybe that's another layer of selfishness where I'm like, I want to be such a good person that I'll be honest to them. I'm not even worried about them. I'm just worried about their perception of me. Yeah, but you still did the thing that was more polite. Everybody prefers honesty. True. Or would you rather be ghosted?

I want you lie to me. That's not what I'm saying. You lie to me. If I have somebody out twice, I think it's two dodged texts and a non-response. That's it. Let me. I'll never text again. The recent time when I got ghosted and I was like,

oh, I respect what you just did here. Okay. We went out on a date and it was one of my co-workers friends. I was like, I was trying my best not to be. Oh, that's tough. Because there's a connection. Co-workers friends. I'm like, all right, we got to, this has got to like in cordially or something.

Where'd you go? We went to like, I let her pick. Went to a restaurant. We were there for like two and a half hours. Meatball shop. Dinner. Right. We went to dinner, which is like.

I don't think I've ever been on a dinner date my entire life. Listen, this is the first time I've been on one as an adult where we had to like eat food and like talk for a long amount of time. It was fine. Leave. Then we start texting in the week and I'm like, okay. The date was very weird because like she was talking about herself a lot, which I guess you are supposed to let happen.

Yeah. And I'm like, this is, this is. This is a let happen. I'm like, hopefully, hopefully like after you talk about yourself, I'm going to get one of those like, Hey, what do you do? Right. That happened like twice anyway. So like we keep going in this conversation and I'm like, we texting and I'm like, all

right. I'm a coworker. I'm a zero on Monday. So I'm going to set up a date too. Okay. So at least like whatever happens, at least I was like, Hey, you heard from me. Date two. We plan this date and that or like a day and I just stopped hearing from her.

I'm like, so it's one of those things where like, Oh, did the text not go through after the date was planned? Hear me out. So it's like, so this is like, so this is like, uh, we said, Oh, maybe Saturday. She was busy. I was kind of busy. Like, I'm a follow-up later. So like, follow-up later.

Didn't hear anything back. So I'm like, okay, either you're busy or this is the ghost moment. Yeah. This is the moment. And I'm like, I'm going to let this ride for a little bit. I'm going to let it ride for a couple of hours. See what happens. Okay.

She didn't say anything. So I'm like, all right. I saw my coworker. I'm like, you know, let me just say, so I was like, yeah, we can do something else if you want. Still didn't get a response. Like the ghost had happened. Yeah.

But also I was like, I respect you for like, you know what, before this day to happen, we got to spend money. I'm going to stop. But don't you, wouldn't you respect more like, hey, what are you talking about? No. No. She did the easy thing. Whoa.

Time out. Time out. It's okay. It's okay that you're fine with it. But that's not a thing to be respected for. I'm okay with it. Why not? I don't want to be.

That's okay. But it's not a respect. Like she didn't do something that was hard. She did the easiest thing to do. No, it's hard. That's like sign language. It's tough because it's tough. Right.

Because she did save you another dinner. Right. Like she did save you another dinner. But like, She could also save you another dinner by just saying like, Hey, I just, I'm not feeling it. Man, she could have. But the thing is she did.

Oh, she said, She did whatever she had to do. And I was like, look, I game peeps game. You did. You did the ghost. As a fellow goaster. I have to see when the ghost. All right.

You was like, Oh, this is the moment. Next question. Let me finalize it. Ghost habit. I'm so mad. James. Come on, James. This is the green.

It's a great cause like you and I could date and stop talking to each other really easily. Easily. We could date and be done. Like first of all, I look, I read when people ghost, I get it. I understand it. But it's just like, I'm just like, it, it would happen so much quicker and you would save me like three or four texts. I like being on my phone.

I blame on the ghosty. I blame that on the ghosty. The ghosty should know they've been going. No stop. You don't know because some people are actually busy. Right. James hasn't said a lot. I just want him to have the final word, the closing argument.

I mean, I'm just going to say this about ghosting. Get another thing. We have a human beings have worked for, for just too many years to develop what has become our current day language. Okay. And, and we are failing ourselves by choosing to not communicate with each other. So really, you know, it, you would save yourself a lot of time and a lot of heartache and a lot of pain.

If you just tell people how you feel. Amen. No, he'd know James has a last word. James has the last word. Not the last word now though. Is the absence of pain. Next question. So maybe there is no absolute truth.

Maybe some people prefer ghosting. Some people don't. Yeah. Next question. We're actually roughly over halfway done. So we'll take one break. Same. We'll take a break.

We got, we got really deep and we took a pivot and I feel like we answered five questions, but only one was asked. We'll be right back after these commercial breaks. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

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Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. has how many unread texts? How many unread conversations in your phone right now? 130 exactly.

130, you're in third place. You have a red dot. This isn't her email, this is text messages. Are these texts you didn't even open? So you'll see the beginning of a sentence dot, dot, dot, and be like, I don't even want to finish that? Right, like because of the whole preview thing, like I'll preview the text and I'm like,

I can't deal with this right now. Oh, and then you just never deal with it. Right, and then I just let it sit there and decay. Of the 130, how many of them are from boys? It's not like, okay, I'm not like some like connoisseur of men, like it's not like every text I'm receiving is like a male suitor. Before the mic was on, you did say a lot of more dudes.

Many of them are dudes, I mean most. I mean, one of them already is in, like, I don't even know if I've ever gotten a text from 130 different people in my life. No, I'm looking through, I'm looking through. Can I ask you this, do you mind reading one? Later one, I want to know like a later one that you haven't read.

Okay, well, okay, because I'm trying to see the last text. I'm not looking. I'm trying my best not to look in the phone. I'm trying my best not to look in the phone. There was one from like my roommate, like it's like stuff like that, like she said gonna be home later, like I wasn't gonna open it and be like, great.

Wait, but why don't you just open it and you can just open it and not respond. You said you liked looking at the red dots and saying go Carly. Oh, okay, yeah, talk about that, talk about that. Yeah, I want the more juicy ones. It makes you feel powerful to have unread text to like un-response.

Well, isn't it the, so I was saying before we started this, like it's the same sort of vibe as like girls on Tinder, like girls on Tinder, like I hold the power because like most guys, anyways, which is why like Bumble and all the other stuff is like popular because like the girls have to have to be proactive about it.

It's the same, it's the same mentality. It's just not an app. It's like on my phone. Can we talk about this? Go. Now, benefit of the doubt though, benefit of the doubt real quick. Do you see some of them?

Like, do you get like the notification and you can like kind of see part of the text before? No, no, no, I see most, it's usually I can read the whole text, like the one I got one on Thursday. My friend's phone's about to die. If you go out, text my friend and it was his friend's number.

I didn't text. Oh, that's so desperate. I've sent that text before and it's so sad. You gotta put that open it. Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. But you sent that dude your number, right? It's like a, yeah, it's someone I know. Oh, okay.

All right, let me ask you this question. All right, so I know some women sometimes were like, they won't save a guy's number in the phone. So like, even if a dude is like texting or something like that. Yeah, so it's like, so it's like someone's like texting. You don't do that. I do that. I mean, I mean, look man,

my phone situation is a whole different breed. Okay, all right. But you do that, right? I mean, I don't like people, period. So I don't say nobody number until I have to. So I just saved James number a year ago. Why? Why?

Why? That's when we started living together. You have four contacts. I'm just saying as a straight, even as a straight like organizational thing. Yeah, Ray, you went down there, you're going to ask it. All right. How long has this number been in your phone?

Hey man, this isn't about me right now, okay? Okay, fine, that's a question to Carly. That's a question to Carly. What's the oldest text message you haven't read? You should have told me this before and now I got to scroll. Oh my God, how many? I don't understand your phone right now,

but this is the same thing people like. Someone said, hey, I'm here. I'm assuming it was a party or something. Don't you want to at least mark it as red to get rid of the dots? Like, doesn't the dot bother you? No, it likes, she likes it. Like the dot.

She likes. It's like the same. Get off on the dot. No, you do. No, here's the thing, here's the thing. Because people get off, people get off, people get off on unread emails, people get off on unread notifications.

I see people like, they have like a hundred, five hundred notifications. I'm like, why don't you just click that button? They're like, I don't know, why can't I be bothered? What do you mean you can't be bothered? It's a one click and then all of them disappear. You don't want to do it because you like looking at that number because it makes you think more people

like you than they actually do. Oh my God. That's right. I understand. Wow, okay. No, I have a rebuttal. I'm a competent young woman. No, my generation is what the whole,

like we're based on instant gratification, like likes on Facebook, likes on Instagram. Like we instantly know. This is contradictory, I think, because not all my friends, most of my friends, hate that I don't open the messages. They think it's annoying, they call me on it. I mean.

Right, because it's rude. Right. It is in certain contexts. Okay, to be fair, to be fair, literally I scrolled past one that was like from AT&T. It was like, oops, you forgot to pay your bill last week. So like, it's like, okay, I didn't open that, but I also, I should delete it,

but I just haven't got around to it. But emails, I totally open. That's it. Well, what about ghosting? How many of those 130 you not responding to a boy inquiring about you? I don't do the ghost, if we're pivoting a little bit. Yeah, it'll be the fade away.

It'll be like a ghosting. Explain the fade away. Explain the fade away, explain the fade away. The fade away is ghosting. No, that's what ghosting is. I love how you guys have turned. No, the fade away, the fade away is different. It goes long enough that it's not ghosting.

Yeah, no, no, no, ghost are literally transparent. No, no, the fade away is different. Set a famous for. Setting away. No, a ghosting is different than just straight ignoring. Like, that's the step. No, the fade away, you can even be like, cause a lot of my like interactions with human males

are like with, through like, through people I know. So it's like a group thing. It's like we keep hanging out and we go, we pivot back to being friends. And it's like, I just, I don't, I don't do the extra stuff of like us texting or us snapchatting together. Like we're just friends again.

I respect that because that's changing. I don't ignore them. It's just, I stop giving you like any kind of body vibes. No, no, no, that's worse. Okay. No, cause basically what you're doing is your friend zone in them. Okay. That's me basically.

No, that's not okay. Cause I'm not your friend. Why is that? Cause we're not friends. That's not friends. Me too. Cause they were friends. No, no, no.

You weren't friends. You know what it was. You know what it was. You know what it was. You messed up. No, no, no, what it was is he likes you. It was like, Oh, I gotta get to know her. Let me see what she is.

And then he tries to make the move. And she's like, you know what? I don't like this. I'm going to put you back in the friend zone box. He wasn't friends. I bet if you offered him, right? If you were like, Hey, do you want to go away? But here's Jira, here's the thing though.

If he doesn't want to be friends with her, that's his prerogative and he could stop being friends with her. That she's not friend zoning him. She's like, we were friends. And if you had an ulterior motive while we were friends, that's on you. That's not what Carly said, that's not what Carly said.

No, I really want your relationship. Because if I went that to that place in the first place, I must enjoy you as a human. I enjoy being around you. But then, no. Do you ever say, because this goes back to what my point was before, do you ever say we are better as friends? No, not straight up like that.

But the last, OK, to be fair to me, because I feel like I'm in a lot of heat right now. Why are you like this? You was yelling at you before? There are like five dudes in there. I know. I was yelling at you. You represent a lot of women to us.

Wait, wait. Can I just say though, when I was yelling before about the gratification of that unchecked Facebook notification, it wasn't to you. It wasn't to just, and it wasn't to females. It was to everybody. They're guys who do it too. OK, I just want to put that out.

You represent something later. So to the female listeners, I'm here feeling it out for you. You're welcome. No, but it's the last time this happened. This same situation, I was the person being told like, hey, this was weird. Let's be friends again. And I'm totally fine with that.

Just be upfront. And it's nice that he was upfront, right? It was a conversation, and we're friends again. Not a big deal. Literally, not at all. Social cues and the way people give them and receive them are so different, right? I don't necessarily want to be told, hey,

we're better off as friends. Sometimes I want to be trusted that I'll understand that. That's because you do that to other people, and you're like this. It's like treating people how you want to be treated yourself. But in the opposite, you want to be treated how you treat other people. That way, you don't feel as guilty. I think that's right, but it also sounds a little loaded.

What is loaded? He just said it because you don't want to feel guilty. I feel like everyone, and I'm going to speak for myself. Go ahead. Oh, this is my thing. I didn't think so. So far, you've been speaking for mankind now. I mean, I was trying to speak for everyone.

Well, he's speaking for me, too. The thing is, I feel like everyone's been in a situation where it's like, again, because we live in a world now where a lot of dudes mess up for a lot of other dudes. So it's like to prove that you're not a dick. You've got to be nice, cordial, as you should be anyway, which sometimes can be miscreant. It's like, I just want to be your friend.

So that guy has probably always made his intentions of social cues of, like, I like you. I'm trying to, which now is becoming a mix of, like, oh, the signals are mixed. So maybe the guy does the thing of, like, hey, I want to go out on a date. Now this is official. I like you.

Then the whole friends-only thing happens, and it's like, we weren't friends. Like, I was always trying to pursue you. You just didn't see the cues because you weren't attracted to me, and now I'm the mean one because I'm like, no, can I just say something? Go ahead, go ahead. But then are you saying that, like,

are you saying that, like, that moment before the date, y'all weren't friends? Like, because that's like, not really. But Jarrah, but here's the thing. Jarrah, you can pursue somebody. First of all, it's different. It's different for her age than our age. True, very true.

But like, once you get out of school, like, you can't try to be friends with somebody just so that you can have sex with them or date them. The friend-word is the problem. Y'all can see, the thing is, I think the word friend needs to be like, I feel like people use the word friend in a very grand scale.

Can I be way my friend? I say hi to you. We have conversations, but we're not friends. Do you have any female friends? I have plenty, and the thing is, the way I define, like, especially when it comes to gender, and I feel like it has to be a line. When it comes to my female friends,

I do not, at any point, under any circumstances, would want to have sex with my female friends because they are legit a friend. I feel like if there's a point in your friendship that you're like- It's not that you don't want to, but you make the distinct line not to. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I feel like a friend is someone

you don't see as like a, like, I don't have sex with my friends. Like, I'm like, yes, you may be attracted, but like, we're just not, that's not a thing. Like, basically my thing is, if there's a day where like your friend comes to you- But women are doing the same thing. Hear me out.

Hear me out, though. No, I hear you. I'm listening. What I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, is just because, all right, a guy is nice, doesn't mean he's trying to be your friend. He's probably trying- But here's my thing, it's just that,

if he wants to be more than a friend, then he needs to say it. And if he hasn't said it, and then when he finally does, and the person's like, no, I think we should just be friends because that's what we were. And he can't be like, you know what, no, because the last three months,

I wasn't really trying to be your friend, I was just trying to get your hands. Well, my thing is, what I'm saying, the thing is, I feel like that word friend is what's throwing things off. It's like, because you, I keep saying that you weren't friends. You're like, oh, for the last three months, you weren't friends.

And no, I think, again, that's the signals. What do you think there? It's the romantic comedy problem, right? It is, it's like signals are getting crossed. In romantic comedies, right? Please, please, please. Well, did you have something? No, I didn't.

Well, cause like, you know, in romantic comedies, right? There's the dude, the guy, he's like, oh, he's like, hi, the nice guy, you know, blah, blah, blah. And then like, and then- That never says it, right? He's never like, I like you. You get rid, like, the friend zone's a great place to be. I fuck my friends all the time.

That's the way you get in. Like, I think it's wrong to despair in the friend zone. Like, oh, she fucking friend zone me. That means she likes you. That means like, you can get to know somebody. I like you care about your friends and then like, you can elevate it. Yeah, I agree with Jake's connection.

There's a friend zone, there's a friend zone word. The problem is that the friend, there's a lot of expectations where like, I want to fuck before we make a relationship. Like, friend zone- Well, that's actually a real thing. There's studies on that, that like younger people, especially like economically and stuff,

like, do all of the really serious relationship stuff, like going to sex first and all that stuff, just to figure out if you're compatible and that before like, getting super invested and then realizing like, we don't, we don't function on X, Y, and Z levels. Like, people do that stuff first. Like, that's like, that's a real,

that's a real thing that's happening in the world right now. We're not answering any other questions on that. Yeah, we have to answer one more question. We have to answer one more question. We have to answer one more question. All right, we could do one more question. But do you want to stay on the microphone, Carly? I feel like the more opinions possible.

We need it, we need it lately now. Yeah, sure, we need. We're all sharing, what is it, four mics? Four mics, it's humble. Carly, do you have a female name? A fake female name for us. Chartreuse. Wow.

Chartreuse. That's a beautiful name. We got to put Nick on a mic. It's a party now. Nick's going to host his own podcast after this. Yeah, exactly. So I've been hanging out with the guy recently, but every time it's late and it's, hello.

Oh my God, I already know where this is going. So I've been hanging out with the guy recently, but every time it's late and it's time to go to bed, he refuses to sleep over. I've asked him why and he won't say. He just says it's because it just doesn't want anything to happen, but we've already hooked up. He keeps asking to hang out,

but with no sleepovers in sight. Am I being inconsiderate asking for sleepovers or is this normal signed? Chartreuse. Can I just answer this? This is a very clear cut to me. He doesn't, he just wants to sleep with you and he doesn't want anything more than that.

And for him, that's the borders that he's putting up. He's making sure I'm not going to sleep over because of that, because then when you sleep over, then there's a morning thing and then you might have to do something together in the morning because you're together and you know that the person doesn't have to do anything. So like he's just setting up very clear borders

for himself. So like if you want something more to happen and you know that he doesn't, then stop doing it. Do you sleep over? If you don't care, then whatever. Do you guys like sleepovers or no sleepovers? I'm okay with sleepovers. I'm just saying, I'm just saying what he problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if he's really gassy? I'll say he rolls around and snores. Yeah, he could be a snorer. He could be a snorer. Wait, first of all, if you're gassy, you can be gassy anywhere. Why is sleeping after anything?

What do you think? I need to hear that, because I got an idea. What did you think about what I just said? What Jonathan Bray like to say? Okay, I think if I... The Bray like opinion. If Carly Oscar was chartreuse, I would say, I would say yeah, he's probably not down to take the super,

like you know what I mean, like be serious about this. But I don't know how, I don't know what her situation or what their situation was. Yeah, what she wants. For a surface level email. That's exactly it. Sorry, go ahead.

No, you go, you go, you go. You don't know what she wants, right? Yes. Right, what does she want from it? That's what I'm saying. That's different from what he wants. She doesn't say, she didn't object besides the fact of the sleepover.

All she did was ask, like, do you want to sleep over? She never said, I would sleep over. She never said that. She was never like, I would really like it if it would make me feel better. She's saying that to us. Yes. Well, I think, so that's my thing is like,

if she, so if she really wants him to sleep over, but doesn't necessarily want a relationship, I shouldn't even say necessarily because this is the thing that we should talk about. I don't know if we have time, but like, sometimes women will say, maybe men do this too. I'm sure they do. But I've experienced women will say,

I don't want a relationship, but they don't mean that. They just say it because they know that's what a guy wants to hear. But the fact of the matter is, say what you say. Say what you want. That's Jonathan, for people, that's Jonathan Braylock. I'm talking about personal experience. I've experienced it multiple times

and I've heard my friends tell me the same thing. Yeah, Rob Milligan wasn't a friend that told him that for the record. Maybe that was James III. No, look, I agree. I agree with what JB just said, 110%. But this is what I think these happen. It's our truth.

It's our truth. This is what you need to do. Okay? It's our truth. Okay, you got to find out, you know what I mean? You got to find out what is a version of sleeping over is. And you got to tell him why you want him to sleep over. Like if you just like to cuddle, but it's not love for you,

if that's what it is, okay, cool. If you want him to cuddle and you want it to be love, that's also cool, but you got to tell him. If he's a sleep fighter, you know what I mean? You got to ask him. You got to ask him why he doesn't want to sleep over. You got to see what that's about. Y'all got to talk it out.

Yo, Shar, can I tell you what's happening right now? Okay? I can tell you what's happening. I know what's happening. One of two things. It's basically what we've been talking about. Okay. Shar's being friend zoned.

Shar? She just said that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out.

This is a reverse friend zone. This is a reverse friend zone. It's a reverse. It's a reverse. It's a reverse friend zone. Because she said, we've already, she said, she said we already hooked up or we're already hooking up.

She said hooked. Hooked up in the past. So what that means is, oh, hear me out. Hear me out. Well, basically what it is, is probably one of the things we're like, God knows.

I mean, who knows what the situation was when they did hook up. It may have only happened once. But what if she still is hooking up? She didn't say hooking up. She said we already. Yes, man. No, no, no, no, no.

It matters. It matters because anybody I hook up, I'm hooking up. But I'm like, yeah, man, we're hooking up. We're a reverse friend zone. Because they're still hanging out, doing all the friendly things. And at the end of the night,

he's like, hey, do you want to come up? And he's like, no, I'm good. Basically what he's saying is, is I like hanging out with you. I respect you as a person, but I don't want to take it past this into a sexual act. This happened to a friend of mine.

This happened to a friend of mine who was dating a coworker. And they hooked up like once, but then hung out a lot after that. And like, it never went beyond that. And she didn't understand why. She was like, why, why is this happening? And it was literally exactly what Troy's saying.

Like, he just wanted it to go back to the way it was before. Okay, but in that case, honesty, sorry. Honesty is the best policy in that case then. Hey, can you say that? Whoa, please get away from Mike. Can you say that again? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Do I lose a friend? Do you promise that the lady speak? No. Can you say that one more time? Honesty is the best policy. And I'm, I'm like, I'm not a vigilant person. I will miss it if you- You rolled your eyes at honesty is the best.

No, it's, it's a, it's right. You guys broke up. I get it. I get it. It's a dumb thing to say, but it's true because at the end of the day, like, I'm not going to notice the little microcosms that are going on in this relationship

to, for me to be like, oh, this is exactly what's happening. So if you just ask, if you just tell someone like, you know, like, if you hook up with someone and you say like, hey, like, do you want this to happen again? Like, let me know. Cause like, I want to be sure that like, if I say bye, bye, or not, like, I just like ask. I don't know what to say right now.

The reason, the first thing that I, that really made me start liking the girlfriend that I have right now, the first girlfriend I ever had. And there's a reason for that too. Like I was very, very, very picky. It's because she was very straight up honest with me from day one, like very, very honest. And I was like, oh, here is a person that I can,

I could probably do life with because they're going to be honest. And here's the thing, here's the thing. Everybody, there's so many different codes and so many different, like Amir was saying, there's so many different like, you know, standards of what people think are like socially acceptable and socially unacceptable.

But the reality is not all of them line up with each other. And what does line up at the end of the day is people know if you tell the truth, you tell the truth. Like if you just say exactly what is on your mind and stop trying to play these little dumb games. That's it. Just like a man has never been threatened by a woman before. I've been threatened after telling the truth.

No, that is not even a joke. That is legit not a joke. But you've been, I've been. It's also about being compatible, right? Cause like I don't necessarily want 100% honesty. I respect that you do. Exactly, that's fine for you. I have like tapped into myself and I'm like,

oh, I like a gray area. I like that we can lie. I could like know your lie and be like, you know what, awesome. Thank you for doing that. Well, that's fine. Here's my thing. If you want gray area and like gray area,

then you can't complain when something happens and you didn't expect it to happen. You cannot complain. You can't do that either way. You can't complain. Let's take it back. Let's take it back to Amir's funeral, okay? I'm done.

Because, no really. I died eight minutes ago. Because at Jamiroquai's funeral, he wants people to be there because they love him, right? And the people will be there. People will love you if you are straight up with them. Even though, and we hear people saying that, you know what, I think I like it if people lie to me.

I think I like it. I think I like it. And Jarrah has even said to say something. Don't be saying my name so much. Don't be saying my name so much. Jarrah has even said that he respects that, right? Look, man, I just want to feel loved. So if you gotta lie to me when you feel loved,

I'm saying lie to me. It's not even honesty versus not honesty. It's just do you and you'll attract other people that do that. And if games respect games and then honesty, you're not honest. Right. So attract your messy life and that's fine.

I don't want to hear you complaining about it. You're judging. You're complaining about it. You're judging. Because I try to be honest to the world. And when I do, the shit don't go well, OK? You are ridiculous. It doesn't.

It literally doesn't. And I'm like, hey, listen, I don't think this should work. Why not? And I'm like, oh, you don't need to answer that. Because that's on them now. No, because now and now, because the thing is, at the end of the day, as a man, like if I don't say anything, now I'm the dude.

Like, don't mess with Jarrah because he didn't do. No, you are not. I've seen it happen. You will complete. I'm done. OK. I've seen it happen. I can't name five people what's happened to.

Guys. I'm in these streets. But they are messed up. This is great, though, because where your podcast comes out, what the day on what day of the week? Oh, Friday. Friday. So this is coming out on a Monday.

Like, we might, this conversation is going to happen. Me and Amir are coming on Black Man Can't Jump. Yeah, before we go, before we go, why don't you, one of you, explain what your podcast is, just so our listeners can have an idea about what to expect from your show versus ours. All right, so this is John the Braylock. A lot of yelling.

Our podcast, once again, is Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood. We review the films of leading black actors, and then we break them down in the context of race, and we talk about why there are so few leading people of color in movies. And we're talking about major pictures. Major studio pictures, no indie films. So yeah, we just talk about the film.

We talk about the race. We talk about the actor or whatever. We've had great guests on the show. Keegan-Michael Key's been on. BB Robinson. BB Robinson, Natasha Rothwell, Turo Castro, Cypher Sounds. So yeah, that's what we do. And check it out.

Sweet. Awesome. James, John, Jirah, Carly. Yes, so many. Carly, you're awesome. Don't let Jirah corrupt your mind. First of all, who was on your side when we started this? Was it just because you were sitting closest to me, though?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ultimately, on one side of the audience. Ultimately, she said, well, I will just repeat the rap. No, no, we should end the show. Can I just say, this is the last thought. We're going to fade it out into a theme song. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you.

No more, no more. Keep it honest. Yes, thank you. No, hold on, wait, am I still going? Is this still on? Did they still hear me? I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you. Shark.com.