If I Were You - 19: Improv (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

In this episode Geoffrey joins us to sing songs, play improv games, and move to Russia for some reason.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head Gum Original. There Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear Another podcast each after from the last It's the swiss army knife of shows Eat your two emphatic hoes It's a two-ephatic hoooosh It's a mess First ever guest Not true Jeffrey James

I'm honored, I mean it's virginal What can I say? Your parents on You are popping our hymen today sir Oh yes! Wow Treaty gently No but Ben was

What? Oh yeah, I have a fissure. Yeah anal Specifically and other I have a penile fissure. I've never heard of that Ben was on the show, too. I we recorded together over zoom. Okay. This is our first maybe in Because your parents also did it. Oh, yeah, they were in the other yeah They were in the other this is your first not huge get Yeah, they were in the other room. This is your first not huge get guess. Exactly, our friend, guys.

You have the Hurwitz parents. Right, that was great. You have an A list. Yeah, exactly. We didn't plan on much. Yeah. We didn't plan on much. Head gum podcast style.

Yeah, it's taste of my own medicine. Yeah, waxing. I figured this would be a waxing episode. Even Casey had a little blip setting up, and I was like, this is what it feels like. We started late. It feels right. It feels nice when other people are sort of in charge, right? Yeah Well, this is segments our new podcast We're trying to come up with so many segment ideas to go through all of them, but we you literally yesterday ran out

We had a laundry list. We did them all and now today. Well, it's because you're banking. This is the fourth episode We've recorded in three days Right, that's a lot. That's too much. I'm braindead exactly and that was That was way before we did this so I thought today's episode could be nice try Did we catch that on camera? For some reason that we didn't really yeah cameras were not working in that moment unbelievable if you guys are watching on YouTube We appreciate it. Not must stay in 4k. Yeah, I literally caught a pillow left-handed blindly It's not finally not like lifted it up pretty high

I think I gave a lot of warning that I was gonna toss it. You don't have segments So you're dragging out the wax portion dragging out the intro. I know how this works and you don't prepare. It was a really funny moment in the headgum podcast that made me laugh so much. You guys can see. Do you know what I was going to say? No. Like a bunch of people were talking and then I was trying to interject and nobody was listening to me. And then you were just staring and you said okay so the reason nobody's paying

attention to you right now is that there's a generation gap and that will only get worse as you age nobody respects your opinion because you're older than everyone is having a fun conversation. You're staring at me Yelling my worst fear It's like you're a devil on my shoulder Like I think recording and listening to the show is never as funny as someone saying what happened on the show Because it sounds like the worst thing in the world. Yeah, it was hard to hear because it was literally there were two other conversations happening, but you were yelling at me.

I really... Nobody listens to you because you're the oldest person in here and that'll get worse. I do really enjoy the head gun podcast, especially when Jeff is mean to you. That's every episode. Yeah, it's great stuff. It's great fodder.

That's so rude. It's great fodder Anyway this episode this is what I thought of yeah segment one let's brainstorm segments that we can use Segment I was gonna bring one in but I was like no they probably have like an hour of segments No, of course and also you know, I was at a caviar restaurant Yeah, you were at a caviar restaurant. I was at a caviar restaurant. Meaning, like, only had caviar? I spent beyond my means to sort of impress a dame. Was that, that was a Valentine's Day? That was a, yeah. Price Figg's Day. And that was like, the wish it was pre-fee. Does she like caviar? She loves roe. She loves sardines. Okay. She loves tinned anything. She's big into fish. Yes, so your girl is a fish girl.

And she's a fish wife. Oh my god, she's a fish girl. And she's gone to Rome. But she doesn't know trout to have. You can eat eggs on your poor man's money. You can have caviar on your bones. They had bone spoons. I see.

Like human bone. So if you can be an organ donor, We are on your bones. They had bone spoons. I see. Human bone. Yeah, right. If you can be an organ donor you can be a bone donor. A boner donor. Did you shake that up? A boner donor? Yeah, so let's see the way my mind works with the boner donor. We don't have to get into it. Okay. Yeah, so segment ideas. I mean, we can always go to the well.

What if we plan the worst possible vacation that you could go on now when you have a one-year-old daughter? Oh, interesting. That's nice to do. And then he has to do it. But it has to be like a three-day itinerary, and it has to actually be things that would be terrible to do. This kind of reminds me of a little thing

I would play sometimes on dinner dates with a little thing I would play sometimes at, on like dinner dates with other friends. I would ask the question, what's one place you want to go? One place that you want to go back to and one place that you'll never want to go again. So it's kind of travel based. And this is as they're like urging you out of a restaurant. Yeah, this is me drunk on caviar. I'll never go here again, for example. So I have a good one for a place that you wouldn't want to go. Wouldn't want to go? Yeah, with a one-year-old. Oh yeah. When I'm thinking about exotic places to travel, I remember two trips that my friends took that scared me from ever going to these countries again,

and they're usually like third world adjacent countries without running water, without like you can't drink the water. You don't get like food poisoning and there's not a lot of electricity. Like I had a friend who once got food poisoning at the Sahara Desert. He was just sort of like traveling the Sahara, no bathroom, food poisoning, wiping his ass with sand.

So bad. Yeah, you wouldn't want to have that. So, so behind. Yeah, exactly. But I mean, that one's like not even, that one's like not even remotely on the table. You wouldn't go to the Sahara, you wouldn't do like a safari style desert trip. I feel like that could be good though,

because when I was young, my parents took me on like immunity trips. Immunity trips. Where they were just kind of like, dropped me off on their way to Europe. And then, you know, I would be in like, you know, Casablanca, I would be, like, you know, traveling down the loose towards the Sub-Saharan.

Right? They would give you the measles, the mumps, they would hire locals to bottle feed me river water. So it would be Giardi of this, it would be, you know, I had skin lesions from shingles, yeah, for the better part of it. You lived in a leper colony, didn't you? Well, I was gifted with, uh... You turkey pox, which is like chicken pox,

but almost game-year. Exactly right, yeah. I had a peaking duck pox. I skin looked like what you would get. Sort of like a rubbery chicken style. But I slept in a bow for like a year. In a ship? In a bun.

Yeah, the white bread, the soft bread. Yeah, I was like hoisin', I would shower in hoisin', I would get in a bow. I was ship. The, The bun. Yeah, the white bread, the soft bread. Yeah, yeah, I was like hoisin'. I would shower in hoisin', I would get in the bath. I was poisoned with hoisin'. How so? I had food hoisin'ing. You had soisin'ing, soy poisoning from hoisin'. Anyway, so that's one example of a segment we can do.

Wait, can I tell the story that we actually bailed on a vacation that I realized was gonna be bad for the baby? Is this the Costa Rico? Oh, we already talked about this, didn't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were like, you were planning things and it got spiraled out of control. Yeah.

And you eventually said no. Exactly. And I saw something you planned for everyone else and then bailed. Yeah, so I sent Jill and the baby to the Dominican Republic. Wait, really? No.

But we also, I was looking at the Azores. Have you ever looked into the Azores? No. The Ozarks? That's right, that's what I meant. What's the Azores? The Azores, they're part of Portugal. They're like an island, like way out

in like the middle of the Atlantic. And I think it's like kind of cheap to fly to and it's like not that far away because it's so far out in the Atlantic that it's actually like a shorter flight might be like the equivalent like flying to Iceland and It's this up-and-coming tourist destination. It's gorgeous And then as I was kind of planning that I just like was looking up all the stuff to do there and it was all hiking Yeah, and I was like well outdoor activity. Yeah, I can't, that sounds really awesome, but I can't do that with a stroller.

Yeah. Baby Bjorn. Yeah. It's just like weighted. The Baby Bjorn, they are fun for a little bit, but that's not an all day thing. Yeah. Is it right back? It hurts, I mean, it hurts your shoulders. Eventually the baby wants out. That's not like.

It's not comfortable for baby to be in the Bjorn. Yeah Nobody puts baby So yeah, it's they're good for a little bit but like going on like a three-hour hike in the Azores that wouldn't fly That wouldn't be good for Opa. No, no, no, no. Okay, so that's one example of a segment. Alright, we're talking about bad vacations. Destination. The other day I thought of Virtle, which is sort of a fertile verbal wordle, if that makes sense. Sorry? Yeah, it's like playing wordle but all in your mind's eye. So you're not actually writing things down, you're just playing, saying, an automobiles. That was an example of a pretty good seg. Oh, how about a, how about I say something like an event

and then you have to say the year that it happened. For instance, Carmageddon. And do you remember Carmageddon? Yeah, they're working on the 405, they shut it down, they told everyone to leave the city. When was that? This, well, this is the fucking game. Carmageddon.

Carmageddon. There's always a funny name for it. Yeah, it wasn't the 405, it wasn't the 10. They shut down like... Yeah, it was the 405. It was the 405. And they're like, everybody better leave town because it's going to fucking back everything up for miles and nobody will be able to get anywhere.

This is going to be Karmic yet in. Yeah, and then it happened like over a weekend and they finished it in 24 hours. Everybody left and like every freeway was completely like perfect and nice and it wasn't that big of a deal. That kind of happened with the 10 in like December. Yeah, the fire. Yeah, the warehouse fire. Right. I would say Karmageddon was 2015.

2015. You think we were here? I think so. Interesting. I don't think it was 2015 because I feel like I would have heard of that. But when did you go to USC? 2015. But fall.

2014. 2014 feels right. Casey, can we look it up? Karmageddon 405 go to your home page It's your lock screen the news article from that day. I remember Great name, and I think the name scared people into actually not yeah. Yeah, that name really stuck Yeah, that was actually next to my high school. They were like fixing a bridge over the 405 So they had to shut down the 405. 2011. 2011.

I fucking knew it, I should have gone with my gut. It's fun. What does it matter? It was when I was sleeping all day the first time without you. It's gotta be that he's sleep deprived from parenting, right? It's like he's sleep deprived. I slept 12 hours last night.

I tried to help him out. Jill and the kid aren't even living with me right now. That's probably bad. He's fine. Not sleep. That's not the issue. So it's probably that. The kid aren't even living with me right now So it's probably that no I'm happy about it You did he also didn't guess What if you say first and last name of like You're way for me to say 21, was it? 11. You don't even remember? What if you say first and last name of like, you know, a past lover?

Oh, yeah, I was going to say I could try to guess all of, I could try to guess the number of people that you slept with based on how many of them I can remember, because I feel like we talked about it. And then we'll put the list on the board. Yeah, so I'll come up with all the names. I'll go one by one, and then you'll tweet it and you'll see if it gets. Or match the name of the face of everyone Amir's ever had. Oh.

Or had. Or had. I've only been with one lover actually. That's only because you've only loved one of the people you've slept with. Ding! Ha ha ha! Wayne Gretzky Jr.

That's actually good, is coming up with names of celebrity junior, and we have to guess whether that's actually true or false. Yeah, true and true. For example. We can call it junior. Yeah. Junior or false and you're... These are hard actually now that I'm thinking about them in real time.

A lot of the times you come up with the headgum podcast, it seems like in the room slash on the day you have like headlines. We stumble into stuff, but it's more organic than us all brainstorming segments, I feel like. Yeah, that's the game across so much ruder than I had to do This is bad This is what I do is great Is you brainstorm solo before the show starts? I think it's just I have outlines and it seems like I don't

Which is worse I want to show people how the sausage gets played Played, yeah, how did this sausage get played? Oh, we could write a country song What's that? We could write a country song together. Beyonce's coming out with a country album. So we thought that we would come up with our own country album. There you go. So yeah, he rips from the headlines. So I think that's actually something that we could learn from. So like he takes current, excuse me, he takes current events. Yeah. And he kind of like

brings it. Sorry. Yeah. Continue. This, yeah, I feel like this happens a lot on that. I'm just agreeing. Yeah, but like you're you're like you're active listening But it's actually more actively interrupting because it's like now. I'm I feel like it would be weird if I didn't see What's weird is that that's a conversation because you wait for your turn to talk. Yeah, you can see any You're not good to wait for your turn to talk. No, yeah It's good to listen to hear to judge your turn to talk. You're talking over me right now. Not really. I'm waiting for you to finish your sentences

and then I interject. No, but you're only thinking, you're not thinking about what Jake's saying, you're thinking about what you're gonna say now. Like what was I just talking about? You were talking about ripping from the headlines. No, because it took you, you know. That wasn't that.

It was that. It was definitely that. It was that, but it was in context with how you don't do and the way you Don't respond is congruent with what he says. Yeah, so in Congress I don't yeah, I'm trying to understand and become better co-host and friend to you guys I don't understand what you're trying to say. Finally. Yeah, finally you're Okay, okay, finally. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah You're saying okay, okay, finally, okay, okay? Yeah, yeah

But don't leave it at that cuz you want to play kid. Yeah leave it at that cuz you agree that this is I don't want this Let's a great victory is what I don't want nor a Fausty It can't be Purick or Fausty at the end of the day Okay, let's take a break. We'll come back and we'll write a country song. How hard could it be? Whoa, we're really gonna do that one. Let's do that one All right, we're back um I Don't know is country music still just about like fucking pickup trucks in the country or like is there a new sort of slant that? Beyonce has taken you know music What if we get Casey to play a royalty-free country music backing track and then we sing on top of it?

Nice. And it has to be royalty-free. Well, you know, because otherwise you're going to have to scrub the back catalog. Yeah, exactly. Maybe Casey could lob up a word and then you sing a song about that. Or a musical improv.

Yeah, I know why. Which I could probably figure out on the day. I'm not really musical or improv-y, but I feel like when you put those two together. I thought you were, well, you know, I love the show, but I thought you guys were gonna write a Broadway musical. Yeah, oh yeah, that's true. I actually have it on my to-do list.

I wrote the opening number of a pop punk musical. Really? Yeah, I did. I feel like Jake's trying to push it over the finish line and you're kind of like dead weight. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the beginning line. Are kind of like, what is it? Like an anchor? You're something that directs you down. No, cause anchor is like, you know, dead weight. You are beginning line are kind of like,

what is it like an anchor? You're something that drags. No, cause anchors like, oh, that's a grounding force. It gives us, you know, for the clouds. Yeah, right. Yeah. I guess he's a hole in the ship. You're saying you are in my pockets, weighing me down and drowning me at the beach.

Wait, that's perfect. You're saying in my pocket, weighing me down. Really old country. Is it drowning me on the beach? You're like a corn cob bite. What do you know about this Beyonce album? Is it actually going to be country, or is that what people are assuming?

Is it actually out yet? I saw she was scantily clad, and I didn't know it was an album announcement. It was just a picture of Beyonce. It's like, oh, Beyonce looks great. Yeah. And then people are like, that's a country album. I know it. Somebody was like, oh, Beyonce looks great. Yeah. And then people are like, that's a country album. I know it.

Somebody was like, oh, she's releasing a country album. And I was like, that's funny. And they were like, no, she is. And I was like, oh, when did she announce that? And then they showed me the photo of her. Skandaleek, lad. And I was like, oh, that was an album announcement. And specifically country?

Yep. Or is it going to be like country with a Beyonce twist? Probably that. But it's her version of country because she's from Texas Yeah, I feel like there's plenty of Beyonce songs that have a little bit of a twang to it Tracy Chapman won a CMA Beyonce said I want that and so she released an album But when did Tracy Chapman won at the CMA? She won because of country star. Yeah covered fast car. Oh I see and that's why they performed together

at the Grammys. Yes, I see. And now Beyonce's like, okay, why don't you fucking turn single ladies into a Southern album? Yeah. Beyonce is coming for Tracy Chapman. She's pitting herself against Tracy? That's crazy.

Chapman. She's crazy Chapman. That's crazy. Did you. She's crazy Chapman. That's crazy. Did you guys ever play Crazy Taxi? Oh yeah. I feel like Tracy Chapman should release a crazy taxi style follow up to Fast Car. Oh, Tracy Taxi.

Called Crazy Taxi. Tracy Taxi. Tracy Taxi. By Fast Chapman. And it's a game starring Tracy Chapman. It's a game with an original song. He's a fast car! Oh my God, that was awesome, right?

I think I can sing in a punk band. I don't think so. Really? You could really talk in a punk band. Are you releasing another, what's this name of your band? Oh yeah. Fade on Shuffle. Fade on Shuffle.

Any new Fade on Shuffle music in the pipeline? I don't know that there's any in the pipeline. We do have a four. You're falling out with the guy, what's his name? Gareth? No, we're tight. We're tight. We're tight. We have a four. We have four songs on this album, actually. Didn't I write one of them? Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. Purple vest. What is it? Or yours is just called vest. Yeah. Yeah. I was about a guy wearing a purple Vesta prom. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like about a class clown.

Right. Yeah. And then there's my debut song, then there's another one. And then he covered I Can Go The Distance, The Hercules. So that one is sort of unrelated. Well, yeah, that one is just kind of rounds out the album Yeah, with like a good song well speaking of rounding out an album with good songs How are we on the royalty free country music track? I think I got a couple options. Wow. Okay. Okay. This is cool Do you want to hear?

Modern country. I don't know Jeff Do you listen to country music is that a like is it having a moment or is it like am I? I think it's having a moment but I don't really listen to it. Interesting. Oh yeah I gotta put on our headphones? Or will it play over the speaker? I can play it over the speaker. Okay, speaker it. You look like an idiot then. Cause you just put on headphones for no reason.

This sucks. Oh. Sounds like a two-way commercial. What do you want to hear a country song about pick up drugs and blue jeans Boots and keys The boots and keys so it's just kind of about like everything that he's gathering for his day Yeah, where's my freaking hat now swear I left it over there Where's my freaking hat now? Where I left it over there

He's 91 years old. I think I lost my hat, but here's my belt buckle So it's that phone keys wallet, but what is this person's version of phone? It's teeth are missing probably there's my other sock pen When it out of my boot goes there. Where's my damn spur, woman? Where's my fucking hat now? I swear I had my keys. A second ago, I had my keys. This guy has dementia. This is not a fucking saw. He's alone in her room.

Oh, there's my hat. It's over there. Putting a carrot on his head. Where's my damn salad? You're eating a salad out of chicken sees a wrap an hour ago, honey You see my phone charger a skeleton on a rock rotting wife Let's get a new song and a new

Spurs woman you have keys to your car, but you also were spurs. Yes for a horse. I have a boot. Do you have one boot? I'm booting a key and they're both missing. I've got another... That was the worst song I've ever heard. That was awful. So it's a competition. My song, Where's My Damn Hat Now, which is just a guy who can't find shit. So let's give a mirror...

a little bit of a twist. I'm gonna go with the song. I'm gonna go with the song. I'm gonna go with the song. competition my song where's my damn hat now yeah great just a guy who can't find shit so let's give let's give a mirror a country song yeah yeah this one's called western country rock cool okay where's my Oh my god. Oh god he fucking puked. He's puking. Alright. That's the worst one they could have been picked for over here. It all sounds like a Ford commercial. It's absolutely sick

The new F 150 I Seen cars bigger than that in my garage This isn't a song yet Big house, big keys. Oh, shit, I'm one foot three. Everything's big to me. I'm a little man. Hanging out with tall folks makes me say small jokes.

Oh yeah, I'm 15 inches high. I'm a little guy with a big dream and that dream is to be two foot nine. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. Alright, so that one was about a really short cowboy. Is it a big house or it's a, like a normal house? I think it's a normal house, but to him everything's big. Big keys are huge. Even the keys are so big, it's that small.

Okay. Yeah. I don't know what mine's gonna be about. I have to hear the beat. Exactly, and then it just sort of comes out. It just comes out of the meaning. All right, I got two options for you, Jeff. We've got banjo country music, and we have

upbeat acoustic country. Let's do banjo country. And then of course, during the music, somebody goes, this is royalty free, right? Yeah. So that nobody sees it. Audio jungle. Originals. Right?

See? It's the name of our band. Walked on into my own bedroom. Saw my wife having sex with Farley and he's the town harlot man and my wife did me wrong. My wife did me so damn wrong., yeah. My wife did me so damn wrong. She didn't just cheat on me. She also drained my bank account. I had a Vanguard and she sold that stock

that I had to pay taxes on the stock. Took my keys, melted them down to sterling silver and a block and shoes. She showed it to me and laughed with joy. She said, you're never getting back inside the house with this. She did me so wrong in other ways. She sold my hat collection that I loved. I think it's all related.

Tucked the cash, melted it down to a sphere. I'm always doing that. Showed me the sphere, sphere said this is your hat Jesus Seems like a lot of it was Destroying things and putting them into weird 3d shapes Pyramid Prism yeah, well the country's like over you know

Daisy made me wrong. Yes, exactly. Yeah, so I guess vote below Which song do you want to hear in its entirety? Yeah, we'll pay $50,000 to record it like they did back in the day. Like yeah, you'll see Dolly Parton Oh, I gave all my money to this producer, right? They went to this small record place, which is now famous because fucking Dolly Parton was there in the 50s Yeah, and they laid down a full album. That's what I'm hoping for Studio H&G is. I want to be a part of what people will look back on

is history. Yeah, history. Wow, can you believe that studio, look at all the comedy legends that came in, like when the Beatles get out musical, or the documentary, do you guys watch that? Yeah, we should be filming more docs while people are coming in.

Like TikToks? And that's what my initial TikTok. TikTok, which is a dog on TikTok. Even a TikTok mock might be nice. I don't mind a TikTok mock, you know. A TikTok mock? Actually, I sent you, anyway, I should finish this out with a vote below.

Do you want to hear Jake's fully produced? I can't find anything. Where's my damn hat now? Yeah, where's my damn hat? Do you want to hear, I'm a, I can't find anything. Where's my damn hat now? Yeah, where's my damn hat? Do you want to hear I'm a one foot three inch cowboy? Or, uh, my wife did me so wrong. Yeah, my wife was melting various things.

Um, let us know below and, uh, we'll see you on the other side of these messages for the last segment, which is going to be insane. Whoa. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Bless you. Did I sneeze? No, I was blessing them for sponsoring us.

Oh, I see. Squarespace is the greatest way to build a website. Gai-zuntite. So you did think I sneezed. That time, yeah. Squarespace is the greatest way to build a website. Yes, there it is. It has very simple drag and drop technology,

so you can design it effortlessly. You don't need to know how to code at all. Finally. And you can still just come up with a professional looking portfolio or online store. Yes, exactly. In minutes. So simple.

You can even buy a domain name through Square Space. Oh my God, that's why we hit you with a fresh new domain every single time. Mine this week is HiRodney.com. HiRodney. Yes, if you have a friend named Rodney that you'd like to say hello to, HiRodney.com, and then you could make the landing page

you kind of waving and saying hello to your friend Rodney. That's not too dissimilar from mine, which is buyrodney.com. Really? But B-U-Yrodney.com. You want to purchase Rodney. Yeah. A hello or a chair or something like that. You can just buy some Rodney things.

Right, that's actually very interesting. I might cop that. I might buy Rodney. You buy what? I might buy by Rodney. Buy by Rodney. I might buy by Rodney. I might buy by Rodney. Buy by Rodney. I might buy by Rodney. I might buy by Rodney.

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Right on Thanks Squarespace Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show Woo! Holy smokes, Jake you sleep on a Helix? Yeah, I'm in LA right now and I I miss my Helix You didn't bring it out?

No, I should have, I should have Well you know how easy it is to take their sleep quiz, right? Yes, well, not easy, but let's not call it a quiz. I don't like that quiz. They call it a quiz. It's like a two-minute quiz. You say how you sleep and then they match you with a perfect mattress. They say what?

They say what? Based on your answers. Can you say what they say? They select. What do the talking points say? Why don't you read it verbatim? Yeah, calling the quiz easy. Well, it's like a two-minute quiz. Does it say that it's easy? It's a sleep quiz. Great Great, why don't you stick to the talking points asshole? Right, why are you mad at me because you're calling the quiz easy and it's actually more of a test. No, it's not a test, it's a very simple quiz.

It's actually very important. Yeah, I agree that it's important. It's complicated. Yeah, it's a sleep quiz you take. They ask you like, how do you sleep? What do you prefer? And then they match you with a perfect mattress. That's right for you.

That's true. Yes. And that personalized mattress is shipped right to your door, free of charge. Oh yeah, that's true too. There's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it. So They offer a 100 night trial and a 10 to 15 year warranty to try out your new Helix mattress Holy shit, but look you're not gonna need it because the mattress is

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if you need to upgrade your mattress, which borderline everyone has to. Yeah, yeah. Go to helixsleep.com slash segments and use that code helixpartner20 one word. All right. Check out love it Thank you helix. Thank you. Thank you to rocket money for sponsoring this episode of our show rocket money rocket money Is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions? Yo, that's cool

Then it monitors your spending and helps lower your bills. Wow very nice I mean, this is just an instant way to save cash Yeah, and it's good to save cash because it's good to have cash because that way you can spend the cash on different You haven't saved. Yeah, you want to spend it on a trip or a salad right like different ways Those are the two things you can buy right now. Yes easily you have to choose In fact Rocket Money has over five million users and help them save an average of seven hundred twenty dollars a year That's a lot of cash say that's half a billion dollars in canceled subscriptions. And if I had that much cash,

I would absolutely rent like a three bedroom studio. You have hundreds of millions of dollars left over. Well, then I might even do, well, three. Buy a mansion. I would do a three. Buy a yacht. I would do a three bedroom with a one car garage, but it's attached.

So you can actually go right in from the garage into the house where it could go outside. Sort of renting that space out. Right. So yeah, if I had, how much is it, how many billions? $500 million. $500 million, so if I had $500 million, I could have, yeah, a three bedroom with an ADU studio

that I could Airbnb for like. You could have a thousand of them. $100 in cash. You could do whatever you want. And cash at that point. You already have the thousand of them. $100 in cash. Yes, you could do whatever you want. And you can cash at that point. You already have the cash. You have to have a bill. What would I do with $100 a night in an Airbnb?

Dude, I have so much more than that. Interest alone, you can have $50 million a year. Maybe I do a two-car garage. It doesn't matter. Because then I would buy whatever you want. I wouldn't want to have a second car, but if a friend came over and it was raining, they could park in the garage and go right in through the house

because like I said, it's attached. You could change the climate without much money. It would never rain on your parade, if you'd be rich. Wow. And if you want to be rich, you can go to rocketmoney.com slash segments. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments. That way they know we brought you.

Right on. Thanks, Rocket Money. Thanks. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Ooh, BetterHelp. Yes, it's online therapy. Right. And we can tell you how important therapy is. Yes, imperative. It's very useful to talk to a professional licensed counselor. Yes. But it might be hard to find one. That's when BetterHelp comes in and says, no, it doesn't have to be hard. That's right. It can be easy actually.

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Segment. Yes, and that gets you 10% off your first month. Nice. That's betterhelp. H-E-L-P.com slash segments. Segments. And they give you a brief questionnaire. You match with a licensed therapist

and you get started very, very fast very fast millions of people are trying it already Yeah, and it's more affordable and safe than ever because it's entirely online love it. So check them out again That's better help HELP.com slash segments Thank you better help thanks for sponsoring this episode All right, we're back. Yes. Idea I've seen online, but we've never done before, which is, it almost feels like an improv game where we alternate saying words. It is an improv game. Yeah.

This almost feels like a podcast. It is. So, yeah, get it together. I am trying to explain what it is. We're listening. Yeah, zip-zap-zoop, right? What is that one? Zip-zap.

And then- Does that have a to-go order from Zook? This is so awful. Wow. The game is we're alternating saying words and trying to create a story, a sentence. Yeah. That can potentially be a story.

Okay. So we'll go in, what order? We'll go like this, me, Jeff, sentence. Yeah. That can potentially be a story. Okay. So we'll go in what order? We'll go like this. Me, Jeff, you. Me, Jeff, you. See how they run. Eat lots of zoo. Okay, this is a story about let's find out.

Ready? I should have, sorry. You should have done a Fat Tuesday episode where you're cooking jumbalaya. Interesting. As it's happening, then there's a king's cake. What were you thinking? You're talking about for this show or for Jake and Amir? I'm talking about for this show right here ready. Yeah, this is how the story starts my sand

Glass it's already does it carry my sand glass A sand glass I'm gonna look at our glass a sand glass. I he said If you said my I wouldn't have said Sam by the way I would not have said Sam The whole thing is like glasses what ruined it last it's an hour and glass and running through a verb running That doesn't make sense. My sand glass running.

We could make it four words. I'd argue three before it did not make sense. Yeah, let's start again. Okay. Sand. What? Yeah. What?

Castle. Castle. Okay, this actually could be kind of a poem. Just the word. Yeah. Sand. Castle. Anyway, it should be fast, right poem. Just the word. Yeah. Yeah. Sand castle. And it should be fast.

It should be. That's not like an internal monologue. There's no like deliberation. Okay, ready? No more my, no more saying, no more castle. This is like a real fucking good sentence. Yeah. Or story.

Yes. Ideally, it's a story. Wednesdays are fine and they often could be finer if sand Boxes got wetter when they included pussy Sorry cut wrap I'm sorry. Cut.

Wrap. I'm sorry. Wednesdays are fine and they could be finer if they got wetter if they included pussy. No, I think there was a second. Is it a global entry interview? Right, so I was just asking have you ever been to Canada? Really? Okay, let's try again.

I'm still trying to explain. I feel like we didn't end the sentence ever. The sentence has to stop and then a new sentence could be good. I thought it stopped it pussy Okay, ready? Yeah Talia haul killed my niece How could that?

Happen well Talia How could that happen? Well, Talia saw my niece fucking a sand castle by herself and she ended up feeling not loving very much the fucking ended up thinking it was maybe not ideal so went Ape shit and bought a sand That one was really good actually It felt like we were Sharing one brain like that's a story. I could have easily told by myself Venue in Chicago killing a sand felt right yeah

for fucking a sand. It felt right, right? Yeah. T'alya said Jake's niece fucking a sandcastle, so she went and bought a sand. Because it wasn't ideal. This is less than ideal. I'm gonna lose my shit by a sand. And then we've never done improv like this.

This is supposed to sort of get you loose and creatively aligned. Can I be on a Herald team? I don't care. I want a mod. Team? Computers. What?

Run. I want a mod, Apatow. Okay, one more. Ready? Yeah. Vanilla. Bean. Sand. No.

Done. Cut. Prince. That was awesome. The world's shortest sad story. vanilla bean sand The world's shortest sad story edging out babies shoes never vanilla bean sand sounds like something that would be at like the French laundry I've played with just loose sand on it. This is actually vanilla bean sand. It's $38 and you sort of chew on. Oh, wait, that's the salt. Hold on. I went to a fancy sushi restaurant. They had stuff like that. Uchi.

Where's that? It was like an Austin Houston staple, and they just opened one in West Hollywood. Oh, yeah, we went to Uchi when we were in Austin that time. Very nice. But you were such a picky eater when you were young. I remember you yelling at the waitress asking for a teriyaki chicken bowl. Yeah. They said they were like a sushi restaurant. Right. And I said do you guys- And I said you don't have chicken here then? Oh that doesn't really sound right does it? Because you said you're a restaurant. Yeah. So why don't we have chicken?

Because you said you're a restaurant. Yeah. So why don't you have chicken? Said we have grilled octopus. We have a summer squash salad. So you have a grill. Because you were just saying that you didn't grill anything. So now I don't believe you about the chicken. So we got kicked out of that version.

And then I ended up going last night to the West Hollywood edition. Is my picture still on the wall? It's outside and it says do not feed this man. It was very Instagram model chic. Yeah. Have you been to these places before? The place I went last night was very Instagram model chic. It was a lot of like.

Attractive people taking pictures of themselves and the food. With the food, with the selfie. It was like selling sunset looking women. Where was it? It was on Melrose Place. The show? No wonder there was a thousand people there. It was popularized in the Fox fucking nighttime soap opera

Melrose Place. A funny bet would be that you have to go back to this place and ask the server, do you guys have any eating challenges or contests? How much fish would I have to eat this for it to be free? Yeah. Can I eat a thousand dollars worth of salmon from New Zealand to where you guys would put my picture up? If I have a hundred pieces of cut roll, do I get my picture on the wall?

Yeah. Like, has anybody ever done that? And if so, would I get a free t-shirt? What's your version of the vermonster? What's that? It's a Ben and Jerry's 40 Scoop extravaganza, where if you finish it, you get your photo on the wall. Do you have that for raw fish and rice? Because they shouldn't have it for dairy. So I thought maybe you perfected the monster.

Anyway, eating at this restaurant with Instagram models made me realize that's such an easy way of creating a restaurant. You incentivize really attractive people to want to eat there so that people bring them there. We spend, I think, $1,700 for the two of us for dinner. Yeah, yeah. And then that was probably just profit close to $1,000. This is something I never understood about you growing up in LA and then choosing to come back and staying here is like, your brother's had it right with going to the Bay Area where it's like,

this place is for people who look like that. There aren't many spots for guys like you and Casey. What? Sorry. There aren't many spots for guys like you and Casey. What? Sorry. You're doing the sentence game again. I just, you know, it's like. Where does he look like you should live? I'm trying to pinpoint it, probably Silver Lake.

Probably San Gabriel. Where's that? It's by Sierra Madre, but you couldn't do Sierra Madre because that's kind of a cool place. I feel like the San Gabriel Valley where like the good like Asian food is no because I don't want you walking distance to dim Some I want you to like near like yeah, yeah, have you ever been to dirt dog? No, I've never heard that. That's what you are Cuz you're a dog You're saying I can't even walk to get Asian food. I look like I belong in a place

That's far away from a dim sum restaurant I think you should live in a neighborhood or town where your idea of Like going out to a nice dinner. Yeah is a hot dog restaurant. Yeah You don't have it some people have it and other people don't you went to high school in Bel Air I wasn't born with it, but I got it Interesting you weren't born with it and you can't attain he was born with it still has it really Casey's always had it Jake could have his pick of the lot in terms of where he wants to live yeah like for example he's a 10 in Austin he's a

9 in LA thank you he's a 9 and a half in New York I could live in Bondi mate meaning I could move to Australia and probably learn to surf pretty fine. Yeah. I could do that too. Well, you could move to Australia for sure. Yeah. Maybe Perth. Yeah.

Maybe Perth. Maybe Perth. It's not like a coastal city. Exactly. Well, you know. No, maybe Alice Springs. Yeah. I don't know where that is.

Or an interior Australia. I wouldn't mind you in Glasgow. Speaking of. So you can wear the shirt. That's why you're used to, you know. My shirt says Australia. You don't think I could wear that shirt? I think you could wear the shirt, but it would have to be in Perth. He said no chance.

What about Glasgow? I don't want to live in Glasgow. He said in Bro. You're Glasgow. The weather's bad. I don't like being in... How about Red Deer? I don't mind Red Deer for you.

Yeah. Where is that? Northern Canada. Yeah, it's sort of like where the water runs very wet, but where the population runs thin. Where it only thaws in the July and August months. A river runs through it. Yeah.

But you would divide the population thus that you would end up being an island man. I prefer living in warm cities, giant metropolis, where I can interact with people see new things sports concerts culture are you familiar with guys are urging me to move to a very remote yeah i'll take it i'll take in a museum or a festival are you familiar with puravita living life to its fullest in Costa Rica yes people do that okay then what do they do I can do that what is it?

No, that's what I was going to say. Have you ever heard of ladolce vita? Yeah. Like this, my sweet life. Being in Italy, yeah, my sweet life. Like you would never have that feel. Why? Like you would be sad eating gelato even.

No, I wouldn't. I love ice cream. You don't like ice cream. I don't love it. I could see you converting to Belarusian. Yes. You can't convert your nationality. You'd find a way.

You could be from Minsk. What does that mean? You could wear a mink in Minsk. I'm not Russian. I'm saying I prefer to be in Moscow. You're not Russian, Belarusian. Well, you said Minsk. Is Minsk in Belarus?

I think Minsk is in Belarus. How did we get here? You have a lot of talents. Yeah. I'd love for them to be contained in Belarus. How did we get here? You have a lot of talents. I'd love for them to be contained in Belarus. What are they? Putting people on edge, you know, that's sort of like... I think I'm very naturally curious. I think you're very naturally off-kilter.

I think I'm like a social chameleon where you can drop me into any social situation. I think you have the skin of a chameleon. Yeah, you have a wet, dry kind of vibe. Almost like a scaley. Yeah, yeah. But like, when you see me, I feel like. And you have lizard genitalia. I was gonna say that.

You're hung, but it scales. Yeah. And it's barbed. Yeah, I was gonna say that I do a good job of asking people and learning from everybody. But you were talking about how how you do a good job of being a fly on the wall which people would prefer what yeah Yeah, just like flying to a fly trap exactly your Venus You snap at people in different ways like it's not it's so over that it's like all the mirrors in a school You're not good to be around or to be with or

To be you do what you do well enough to make a living Yeah, you're never gonna be a living legend. No, I Think I have you are dead on rival. Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna say I Maximized you maximized but the ceiling was a floor to others. Yeah You hit the ceiling of the basement everyone else is partying upstairs. I think I was able to others. Yeah. You hit the ceiling of the basement, everyone else is partying upstairs. I think I was able to parlay the fortunate lot I had genetically with what cast I was born into.

And then you're being able to sort of turn that and maximize that. And actually it's evidenced by your brother's massive success. Yeah, so I was gonna say financially and emotionally. Both of them are so much more successful than you. It kind of proves that you didn't live up to your potential. If anything, you squandered every opportunity.

And you mentioned cast? Yeah, oh yeah, just. I was wondering if like, you ever got cast. They start to like flip it. Meaning? Meaning, you know, porcelain skin is not worth it to them. Yeah.

So, because of like, you redefine an entire religion, I think. Meaning. Hinduism. Hinduism. Um. They value other things because we were born. And not in a prophetic way. In a pathetic way.

You're weird. You're weird. We've been circling you finally after the bullseye. You're weird. You're a weirdo. You're a weirdo. You got a ways to say it. The fucking the short cow's thing. Sometimes you gotta come out there. Because I feel like, yeah, we were trying to be nice. Not really.

There's no point. Eight minutes of colony and nothing, man. No, you're something. It's just what it is is bad. Right, you're not nothing. In fact, you're too much. That's the point. You're a weirdo.

You're a weirdo. You're a weirdo. You got a ways to, and then no you're something It's just what it is is bad right you're not nothing you're in fact you're too much You're too much of a bad thing is a bad thing Yeah, not that's but not always like sometimes you like break through and then it's like okay now that I've been through that grit And grind and turmoil, but it is adversity and I would say spending time with you is a Challenge yeah that you can over we shall You don't sing I was trying to like ending up on your guys side joining together Why don't you rather than a two? Why don't you move to Belarus? I wouldn't mind if you unicked yourself in Belarus.

I'm not gonna cut my dick off. That's not bad. I'll move to Russia, I'm not cutting my dick off, no way. Cause there wouldn't be a reason to do that. Okay, just testies then? No, not the testies. Yeah, why don't we, not a full castration. Not any castration.

You can still have your fun and eat it too. I think so, but not if I cut my balls off. I was gonna say with the balls off, you can still have your fun and eat it too. I think so, but not if I cut my balls off. I was going to say with the balls off, you can still have your, yeah. Yeah. Let's go whole hog, meaning your penis and nuts. Sort of. Can yourself. Twisted and removed.

Right. Yeah. As it were. And what do you guys think is like something that you guys aren't very good at? Like if you're good at dishing it out Are you able to internalize any problems with your I didn't quite hear what you just said because I was still thinking about the Unik Yeah, I was thinking about a haircut you could get that might make the Unik thing stand out Yeah bull cut or a bald cut

Like you put a ball over your head and then you invert it and then shave just where the bull would be and then you invert it and then shave just where the bowl would be. So there's hair like this. Basically fill a bowl with a nail pattern and baldness. Put that on your head. Yeah. And that'll accentuate my lack of yellow bowls. You could do a straight razor shave down to the bone. So not just the hair, but the skin layers there, thus.

Yeah. Drive a tractor as your daily driver. Like in the water, boy. I don't even know how to fuck. I don't have a license for that. You don't need a license for that. If you live in Belarus. Yeah, trust me, they're not gonna be pulling you over. A dickless guy with a bald cut in a tractor.

No one's paying attention to that guy. You will live anonymously like you do here. You'll blend in in Belarus. I don't blend in. Yesterday, one of the waiters at this restaurant recognized me. The only they knew I was I don't know if you would be able to get sushi And you really like sushi. I love sushi. I feel like let me stay I'm asking you to beg you to stay. Okay. Maybe you stay as long as you stay But I can have sugar fish you can have sugar fish, but let's take your nuts

But I can have sugar fish. You can have sugar fish, but let's take your nuts. Still the castration, but I get to be in LA. Yeah. And you have to pay for half my sushi. Deal. Carp, carp, carp. All right. That was three segments of varying degrees of success, I thought.

Yeah. Number one was the songs. The songs were a hit. The songs. The songs were a hit. Oh, we could write songs next time too. That'd be good. The Blocal poems.

Yeah. Number two, I'd say was the brainstorm, though we didn't really get very far. Right, no. Three was whatever happened at the end there. The story. It started as a story and it ended up with you guys telling me to cut my balls off.

We had an intervention. Yes, exactly, but I was doing nothing wrong. There's more of an inno-evention. Yeah. So I walked into a room and you guys just pitched me ideas. Yeah, we interviewed. I wasn't doing anything wrong. You just wanted to make me better.

We punched you up. Yeah. That would be fucking devastating. That would be worse than the intervention. Because the intervention is like, okay, I'm rooted in a problem I have. This one is just, you're just not. All problems are rooted in you.

Correct, exactly. There's nothing you can eliminate from this elimination diet. Well, you could try meditation, but I don't know, I don't see it going well. Because then you're alone with, well, you. Who wants to see slash be that? All right. Listen to the head come podcast anything else.

That's it. Listen to that. That's awesome. Episode 200. Whoa. Coming up soon. Wow. We got to figure that out. We should cut that show. What's that?

That reminds me just because they're at 200. We should cut that show. I thought we were cutting it way earlier. I we're supposed to. I think you didn't want to talk to Jeff and I was like, I don't want to be the one to say it, but. Be afraid of conflict. Did you talk to Katie in April?

Go see Katie. Katie is here today, so I might slip out. I might slither out. Go see Katie. Slippy. Actually sneaking out. I forked a tongue. Still taking up two parking spots.

Why didn't you leave your car in the parking lot here last night? I didn't mean to. I parked to go to dinner and then I drink. And I'm responsible. I don't drink and drive. Yeah. And it was walking distance to your house and here. In a way.

Which I only feel comfortable saying because I'm about to move. Let's talk about where you're moving to I don't want to okay All right, this is segments. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching You can see more of us on our patreon patreon.com slash jay Jeff you edit those I do kind of a secret, but it's in the credit. So yeah, it's fine It's not a secret at all people every week someone comments like Jeff edits these yeah, like I don't have any hard employable skills Yeah, that's my only hard employable skill. That's good. You're that and fast networking

Which I am still available for Send me to a conference and watch me talk to people. Here's my business card. It's like a centimeter by a foot Vertical too, so it's like a lot of dashes. It's a spaghetti vertically with writing on it. Yeah. All right, and we'll be back next week. Definitely without Jeff. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, for sure, for sure. This was a bus for camera. Yep. Absolutely. That was a bus for camera. Yep. Absolutely. That was a Hit Gum Original.