If I Were You - 190: Best of 2015

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

In this episode we revisit our favorite bits, answers, and theme songs from the last year.This episode is brought to you by Headspace, Skurt, and NatureBox!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um. Alright, this one is from a college dude. Can you give us a name and read the question like a college dude? Oh, Riley Krylison? Riley writes. Yeah, Riley writes. Hey dudes, what's up?

This past fall I moved into a college apartment with my two bros from back home in brackets and a random fourth roommate who's never here. Since it is a college apartment, we don't have much room to make the space our own. I just need you to do an apostrophe after do and and before T. Thanks. We have a couple posters up, some lights, pretty typical college stuff somewhat. I hope that I hope that has nothing to do with the rest. He just wants you to know that don't worry. He's on there.

Those are slides. We're close. Black lights or whatever. Um, it's D. So it's like eight out of ten. Um, recently, after we got back from winter break, we had the idea to decorate a blank. Lips are so tight. Yeah, man.

Get it tight, man. I fucked like 30 girls, like skin 10, uh, to decorate a blank wall with pictures we draw drew. It could be draw pictures. We draw that last sentence one more time. This is the correct. Recently, after we got back from winter break, we had the idea to decorate a blank wall with pictures.

We draw. Okay. Sure. It fucks me up. I think it's true. Right? Yeah. Drew carry nonsense.

Continue. That's no. He wrote that note. I thought it was pretty cool. I thought it was a pretty cool idea and it looked cool at first, but now our wall is almost completely, completely full with art. We aren't master artists. Each still each piece looks cool by itself, but looking at the whole wall, it just looks

like crazy people scribbling and taping art to walls. My roommate thinks it's pretty dope. Still I've grown to dislike it. This is the best. I feel weird about inviting people over, especially girls. I'm interested in having them see a whole wall of drug induced art. I think a couple of pictures would be all right, but it's come to the point where we're overlapping.

It just looks tacky slash lame to me. I wish we'd, I wish we'd take down most of them and leave only a few of the really cool ones up. Is there any way I could bring this up to my roommate so that I get them getting mad at me? These guys would be my best friends since grade school, except for the fourth guy. And they still, and they are still really into putting pictures up and I spent tons of time doing so.

So I'd feel like a jerk if I just straight up asked them to take it down, signed Riley Crierlerson. All right. Great job. Thank you. God, I don't want you to be anybody but that guy for the rest of your life. Dude, later on, you can get this pretty sick fatty burrito. Really?

Yeah, man. They mashed the rice up. So it's kind of like a, like a chewy rice paste and they put grilled zucchinis and onions in there. Dude, no, I'm serious. They put like new, like nutritional yeast, like new child up in there, sprinkle a little diet cheese, completely vegan. You're a vegan frat boy.

Yeah, dude, but I still slight pus. Isn't that meat? Yeah. Sick. I'm a carnivore. You got to go put them tits. Absolutely. All right.

Riley knows. What an insane, some small stakes, high stakes problem. So he's like, I thought it'd be chill if we put art up and now it's like, oh, this art's actually not chill. Let's take them all down except for the chillest ones, which are probably the ones he drew. I could see that being a good idea and then went like when it's all up, you're like, look at all them crazy man scribble. There was a time when I was in high school, I had the basement, it was kind of chilly.

My parents had me paint this room in the basement. I thought it was going to be really cool to like put paint on my hands and put handprints all over the wall. Ooh. And I'd be like, all right, that's kind of cool. That's kind of hard to see. That's the chill. And then I did that.

And then like every time I was downstairs in the basement alone, there's just like. Handprints. Handprints everywhere. It felt like I was going to get killed. You're like a mad man. Yeah. Yeah. Just riddle me that.

But it's like that. Only your friends did the handprints and you wanted to paint over them. I feel like, well, I guess what I'm saying is like it's all going to be fine. I think you're going to leave this place in so short of a time. Yeah. I also think you can bring it up, but you got to respect democracy. Like if you bring up like, dude, are we sure we want to just, I don't really love this anymore.

It's not even democracy. It's like, I feel like it's got to be unanimous. Maybe. Yeah. What if he goes, I don't know if I like this anymore and including the fourth weirdo, they're all like, what are you talking about, Riley? Well, that's, you have to go to every single conversation with a very open mind. Like, hey, look, so he's got to, he could talk to his roommates with no expectation

of this shit is coming down. I have a good idea. But okay, go ahead. You talk to one that's the most on the fence and you start to tip the scales in your favor. It's so unimportant. See like, you like get one on your side and it's like, oh, me and Brody were talking about it and we don't really like it anymore. Suddenly it's two on two.

One on three is a little intimidating. Brody and Riley. Yeah. Brody, Riley. Who are the other two roommates? Oh, there's Brody, there's Riley, there's Taylor, and then there's Stream. We never see that day. Stream.

Yeah. Stream. Are you sure you live with them? His name's on the list is Stream. Have you never seen him? Yeah, man. That's what I'm saying. What are you saying?

That's exactly what I'm saying. Have you ever seen him? No. And he is your roommate though. Yeah. Does he pay rent? Yeah. How does it arrive?

The rent? No, I don't know. It's just on the kitchen table. But his dad's a guarantor. Yeah. What's his dad's name? Corner. Corner pays for Stream's rent.

You've never seen Stream and they're so jacked once a month. Dude, it's Corner. It's like we have three people living in a four-person spot, man. Sure. Why are you guys pissed at this? I'm not pissed. You're just jelly, dude. Soup's gel.

We're not jelly. I'm just trying to... You know what, man? Put a light up because you could be the gel over it. The what? The gel. I took a bit of stagecraft. I'm gonna light our eyes.

You accidentally took it to a Hollywood thing. I was singing theater, but whatever. Good man. The board's the board. Guys, check week was hell. But I was outside at intermission. I know. Bad, bad.

People are talking. Here we are in our new home. We are in your master bedroom. Yes, it is. The bedroom is the master because I am the master. We are switching rooms at the halfway point of the month and at which point the master is speaking. I relinquish the bedroom.

I do not relinquish the master. I will always be the master. Once you exit the master, which I think when this episode comes out, which will be the episode on April 20th, I will officially, if you're listening to this right now, you're hearing the voice of one, the master. You will be in the master. You are currently hearing not the master. Top for a second?

Top for a second? I want people to hear what the master doesn't sound like. You don't tell me what to do. For now, you happen to be the master. I am the master. And I will always be the master. What if I'm living in the master? I think that you will be a little bitch and I will be the master.

You are a wolf. You'll be in the little bitch room. You'll hear it. We're going to switch rooms. Your room's going to have, I don't even want to call that an en suite. That is an en sour. You would do that. That room has an en sour, not an en suite.

It is a half sink, half toilet. We've got a beautiful four bedroom, four bathroom home in Santa Monica. Sure, I have the master because I've got a private balcony. I've got two walk-in closets and I've got a Jacuzzi tub. And I'll have them. And by the time you're listening to this episode. And I do deserve that because I am the master. But you know Marty's room, he's got a balcony as well.

He's got an en suite. He doesn't have a walk-in closet, but he's got a dual sink en suite, stand-up shower. And then my sister Sarah in the third bedroom. She does not have an en suite. She borderline has an en suite. She does not have a nice bathroom. Communal bathroom doesn't actually apply here because it's her, it's her bathroom. Nobody else uses that bathroom.

But you are allowed to use it because it is a communal bathroom. It does not have a door, it's not a private bathroom. That is for certain it is not a private bathroom. Continue. If I take a shower, I walk out right into my bedroom. She takes a shower, she walks out into a hallway, which she can close off. She can close off the hallway, but you still have access to it. Your bedroom has, sure, it's a full-size bed.

Oh, apparently. It looks like it's built for a toddler. Absolutely. It is a race car bed. But you've got an en suite. I don't have an en suite. You do have an en suite. What's the record show that you have an en suite?

You do have an en suite and you have a very nice closet. You also have a private balcony with its own private entrance. So I would argue that you have the third worst room, not the worst room. I, of course, have the master, I, of course, am the master. I hate for people to listen to this on April 20th and assume that you have the master. That's simply not the case. I walked into the house. At the time of recording.

You know what, dude? You walked into the house before I got here. You laid claim to the master because I am the master. You served the master. I didn't usurp the master. There was nothing here. Even you will, you serve the master. Yeah, I don't think so.

And I am the master. You know what, dude? I lived in the cabin for six months and I was the master then, too. So you don't need the master. I don't need the master to be the master, but it does feel right when I occupy the master. Hey, you're listening to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I am the master.

And I'm the master. It can't be too bad. Right in. I'm 21 years old and I'm from Hawaii. So I've been with my B.F. for four years. He's perfect. Sex is amazing. Here's the issue.

He's quite older than me. Even older than Amir. Imagine that. Is anybody here older than me and anybody here older than 32? Ah, shit. What the fuck am I doing? I'm 32. I'm 19.

Cool. At 32, people get shit done. You could be a doctor at my age. But you're not. Yeah. Many, many Super Bowls. Sure. French Open Championship.

I'm sure Joe Wilfrey Tsonga has achieved more in his life than I ever will. Because he's never won a championship? Whatever. Here's the issue. Want Joe Wilfrey Tsonga. Why are you kicking on Tsonga? Dude, it's a fucking pimp. You know it.

It's a joke, man. He's quite older than me. Even older than Amir. Whatever that means. And along... I'm sure that he was born before 1982. Whatever that means. 83, bro.

And... Sorry. Here. All right. And we're out of time. Thank you guys so much. Here's the issue. He's quite older than me.

And that, along with him being cheated on in every relationship, he's really paranoid. Which I try to keep in mind. A few months ago, my boyfriend saw dirt in the bathtub and thought it was cum. But the day he saw it, we didn't have sex. He still brings it up to me today. And we almost broke up because he said he couldn't trust me. What should I do? He said it's impossible to trust me and that I'm getting really sick of his paranoid bullshit.

But I don't want to be the one to break up with him. Help. Love. I guess Trump Tower. So she should break up with him, right? I don't know why she blames the age thing. If anything, you get less jealous with age. Like, jealousy seems to be a young man thing.

But also something... Like, it sort of feels like this, an old school, like, archaic thing. Like, one woman for every one man. Yeah. That shouldn't be necessarily how we do it. Oh, you're just talking about monogamy in general. I'm talking about polyamory in general. That aside, why did he see dirt and think it was cum?

I think she's dating an idiot. He's old but not smart. What is this brown film? And why is it in the tub? You're jizzing someone off. I know it. How can I... There's jizz on your shoe.

I was on a hike earlier on Jizz Mountain with all the brown powder jizz. Sorry, baby, there's, um... There's all these dishes in the sink and they're covered in jizz. Who are you fucking in our kitchen? Why does your boyfriend cum mud? It doesn't add up. He's jizzing chocolate milk. I don't know what he's thinking.

He doesn't trust you. He just comes more tastier than mine so I'm very jealous. There's... I mean, if somebody's like, it's impossible for me to trust you. I feel like the coolest thing you could say is like, shit, I don't want to be in a relationship without a trust. See you later. And he's like, wait, I think I can do it if you convinced me it wasn't cum.

What color is cum? Just blind guy holding a dog. He sniffed it, didn't you boy? It's actually a radish. He's holding a radish. What a mean prank to play on a blind man. Just licking the bottom of her shower? Yeah.

Oh yeah, that's semen. That is absolutely semen. Just in his office. Yeah. Kota. I'll take you to my podcast app and listen to it. I will you go ahead and play it boo so we can hear them too. Whoa.

You can watch it all day. Come in a minute. You can turn that shit up or make me spill my cup. Audience rising. Okay. Let's go to a live show. Gotta hear dick to talk though. I already know how.

I see a smoke show. I got damn done. I just want to take her out and have a good time. Gotta text jake.com. If I were you, it's the motherfucking bomb. Josh in a mirror. Oh fuck, I mean Jake in a mirror. Pay 300 dollars.

Got a billboard. Getting emails. No callers. They're just a bunch of ballers. There's the best thing yet. Call them the best thing. Make her grow wet. Oh wait mom.

Mom stop listening. Stop listening mommy. Mommy. Love you mommy. Things actually got real. Thank you to my podcast app. And listen to it if I were you. Keep playing and never stop.

Keep going till you see the cheese. Whoa. Can't you imagine like Matt Damon when he eats a wrap. It doesn't spill at all. Yeah I wonder what, like Google what does Matt Damon eat for lunch? Yeah when you see Matt Damon eating a burrito. I don't see it getting everywhere. Cause he probably doesn't overfill it.

No I think he just has a great bite and a lot of patience. Wait what am I, Google? What does Matt Damon eat for lunch? He just, I don't know. We started a Twitter campaign. We got our show, we got our pilot shot. I want to know what Matt Damon eats for lunch. Is that crazy and bad?

Hashtag what does Damon eat for lunch? What? Actually we should have Matt in it. Mr. Damon. I just want to see you eat a sandwich. But there's lots of stuff that I'm like, I'm carrying three bags and it's spilling over or I have a bad umbrella. Matt Damon wouldn't have this third bag.

Right. What would Matt, Matt Damon is never like on hit, like trying to grab something out of the back of his car and he like he can't reach for it. Right. Do you think Matt Damon's ever like gotten out of his car, then realized he forgot his cell phone in the car, then went back in to get the cell phone and then shut the door and realized, oh fuck my keys are in there. No, Matt Damon wouldn't do that.

He's got it so together. Do you think Matt Damon's ever like dropped a chapstick below the seat, like in between the seat and the door and he like can't reach for it. So he has to open the back seat, like but his standing in traffic and his doors open and cars are honking at him. Right. And he also like has to pee really, really bad while this is all happening and he like squirts just a little bit into his pants.

No. Now it's like he's got, he's got like just wet pants for the rest of the day. Right. That wouldn't happen. That wouldn't happen to Matt Damon. Or like how do you think Matt Damon like when sometimes I travel and I have a roller but also a suit and also a bag filled with food for the plane. Right.

So I'm like holding the suit, I'm holding the carry on and then like the plastic bag is starting to rip and I look like I don't have my shit together. Right. What would Matt Damon do? What does he do to make that not happen? Does he not have food on the plane? Maybe he doesn't have to carry food on the plane. He probably rides first class so he's like, oh they'll give me a meal.

Yeah. So he doesn't have to carry a plastic bag that's really thin with sabra hummus and pretzel chips, fruit salad and a bottle of water. Yeah. That's true. That's true. What else does Matt Damon not do? What else do you do in life that you're like, how does Matt Damon do?

Oh, when I brush my teeth, there's like lots of toothpaste that drips out of my mouth. So I have to do it over the sink. Kind of going in line with the food thing. It's not very good at keeping your mouth shut. That's what it is. Does Matt Damon sleep with his mouth open? Matt Damon snore. Matt Damon's the kind of guy that brushes his teeth with a regular toothbrush.

Then he just spits into the sink and he's done. Yeah. Like I have to wash out. I have to rinse. Matt Damon could be like walking around in his kitchen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just brushing his teeth. Yeah. Quick into the bathroom. Yeah. Just like spit. Yeah. And then it's all like spit once and all of the toothpaste is out. Yeah.

I have to rinse more than once. Yeah. Exactly. That's what's Damon hiding. How does he do it? He's a Scientologist. He's trying to clear. And that's the point of this show.

We're trying to tell you guys, you can also attain this level of Damon. You have to pay us money. We should start our own religion called Damonism. Damonism? Like, oh, Satan worshipers, they pray to demons while we pray to Damon. Uh-huh. So W.W. Matt Damon do. Yeah.

Like we would try to just. Or how do Matt? How does Matt Damon do? How does Matt Damon do? I bet Matt Damon has a watch. You think he has a watch? Yeah. I don't think he's ever like fumbling for his phone to check the time.

Do you think his phone is ever like 2% and he has to ask a friend like or ask a restaurant like, hey, can you charge my phone? Yeah. Never. Never. I bet he never has the dips below 60%. Yeah. I bet he.

For sure. I think my theory is at the end of a date, you'll don't take anything for what it seems. Like at the end of a date, it's slightly uncomfortable. You don't know what's going to happen. People just say things like, oh yeah, we should do this again. Oh, I'll text you. Okay. Yeah.

When I'm on the phone with like airline representatives, I say, talk to you soon. I'm like, that's not true. Right. Like, all right, I'll talk to you later. Yeah. No, you won't. So don't actually hold anyone accountable to anything said on the last. You said you text me.

The last five minutes of a date is just a free for all. You just say shit. Yeah. All right. See you later. Bye. Maybe we should do this again. The thing to latch on to is like, we should do this again.

That at least means like, let's communicate more. No, but like, I could say let's do this again and a girl can just feel like you don't want to say, uh, I'm okay at the end of the date. So we'll be like, yeah, we totally should. That's true. It's all lies. No, nothing. The last five minutes of a date are lies.

The first hour of the date is also lies. Oh, shit. Not to mention all the flirtatious lead up. That's lies. They're in the first three months. There's eight seconds in the big, in the middle of a first date, that's pure truth and everything to the left and right of it is a lie. So you got to really excavate it.

You have to laser in. Yeah. You have to dig deep and find out what the truth is. That's something I've noticed recently. The lies at the end of the day. Right. Cause nobody ever wants to be polite. Yeah.

You're not going to say, uh, you're not then and there. You can't be like, I'm. We should do this again. Actually, I had fun, but I don't see this going past second or third date. So I mean, I'm going to cut it off here. Yeah. I'll dot your next two texts and we will never see each other again, but Namaste. It was fun to have a drink.

Just kidding. It wasn't that fun. I wish I didn't drink because I don't feel like being hungover tomorrow. This was not worth it. Take care. Actually, or don't, I don't care. The thing is I'm really starting to second guess dating in general. I just feel like I've been a lot on a lot of these things and they're all just fine.

Anyway, don't want to go up on too much of a tangent. So excited to get into my car and fart. It's got buck. Shout out, Jake and Amin. I want to know what Jay and they make of it. Hit them up with the Gmail. They might help you out in that podcast. Get a fake name, half-ass advice and if yous a pussy, put on black light.

We need a guy's name for this first email. Real emails from real people going to give him fake names to preserve their anonymity. Saul writes, Hi guys, I'm from Australia and about a week ago I was invited to a school formal by a pretty girl without knowing what a formal even is. I said yes. By the time I looked it up, I was sadly too late. I've already paid the $250 and was registered. Then she invited me to a party slash sleepover.

Being too shy and nervous, I said yes again. Little did I know it was with her 12 hot friends and their hot dates. And later, after some more investigating, I found out you have to buy a girl a corsage. What the fuck is a corsage? And then after some more investigating, I found out a lot of alcohol is going to be present at the after party. I haven't been near a girl since I was 13, let alone going to a formal in a fucking limousine and staying in a house full of half-naked drunk girls. Here are my questions.

How do I get past this situation? What's a corsage? How do I slow dance? Should I bring a toothbrush or is that uncool? Thanks guys. Yes, they're from a different school and a year older than me. What's the problem? The problem is this guy does his investigating a little too late in the game always.

He's just saying yes to shit. And then he's like, I actually investigated in a formal as a dance. And then I investigated more than I have to. You should have just learned this. There's no reason that you should investigate what a formal is. I think you should investigate what a corsage is. Also, if he investigated to the point that I need a corsage, that's when he stopped the investigation and just asked us.

He still doesn't know. I think he's kind of a lazy investigator. He's a lazy eye. Should we try to answer these questions one by one? I just want to lambast him a little bit more. You're upset because the girls are going to be hot? Yeah. That's a problem.

How do I get past this? By the way, he's about how do I get P-A-S-S this situation? How do I get past this? Let's make fun of his grammar a little bit. He mentioned they were half naked. Why? For what reason? At what point in his investigation did he find out that they would just be half naked? I think when he was just daydreaming about this party.

One of his problems is this situation has gotten the best of him. It's definitely gotten away from him. He's in his head. And in his head is 12 half naked girls. He's investigating as abruptly stopped and is imagining his taking over. What is half naked, by the way? Is it bikini more than half naked or is that half naked? Or do you have to be topless for it to be half naked?

I feel like when I imagine half naked, it's like... Topless. I don't know. The first thing I thought of was girl in a t-shirt or tank top, no bra and underwear. Pants off, underwear, tank top, no bra. Like the sexiest pajamas you can imagine. So you're still not seeing boobies or VJ? No. It's all left to the imagination.

So it's not entirely closed? If you had a wife and she was parading around in tank top and underwear, no bra with a bunch of dudes, I think you would say you're half naked. Because this is what I was thinking about, half naked. Starting from the bottom up. Now we're here. Yeah. Ugg boots, skinny jeans, and that's it.

So you're thinking like the literal version? Yeah, the halfway point. Half of the clothes. The hemisphere of her body. The top half is completely nude. I think when you say half naked, it means scantily clad, close to being fully nude. So it's like things removed from the top and things removed from the bottom. But you're not actually naked.

No part of you is nude. Like in your scenario, the chest is nude. So you would say half naked, you would say fully nude from the waist up. That's half naked to me. But that's where my definition of the sexiest girl can be. Ugg boots? Yeah. Pants, no nothing about that.

The hottest girl could be is wearing pants and boots. That's right. Pants and boots. Half naked is almost sexier than naked. Yeah, but I would rather have bottomless than topless. Oh, really? For sure. So you'd rather have turtleneck, spaceman helmet, and then everything below the waist is just open for biz.

Honestly, I was so turned on just by thinking about a girl in no pants and a turtleneck, like almost missed the space helmet joke. I think that's maybe like the hottest a girl could look is wearing a hoodie and nothing else. Really? Yeah. Not even underwear. Yeah, no. Oh, interesting.

For whatever reason, when I think of what the sexiest is, I think of pants and no top. It's because you're a boob man, I'm an ass man. I'm an oil man, but I'm also a boob man. This is my son. Yeah. All right, so moving on from that. A corsage is a flower that you pin on to your date. I've never, ever, ever not met a parent who loved this shit out of me.

Yeah. First meeting. You're playing it as cool as possible. You're acting the best possible way. Right, right, right. You're not just like, if you make one slip up, one mistake. Oh, I'm not saying, yeah, it's definitely, it's not like I'm not trying it at all words. I'm trying really hard, but I also don't get nervous because I know that I'm good at it.

Yeah, I think that it's like, you just have to behave well. I guess you're, you know, maybe it's hard to like fucking wow them. Yeah. I think I wouldn't, I think if it was, if I'm not, I don't have a girlfriend right now, but I think if I was meeting my girlfriend's parents, I would like try and I wouldn't swing for the fences. I wouldn't try and be like buddy, buddy with the dad because that's when you mess up. That's like, that's weird. But I'm really, I think I'm very good at being completely neutral.

I'm gray. The trick is not like, not trying to relate to mom and dad and be like, hey, I'm a golden boy. Like let me do the dishes. Let me help with the, with the cooking. Hey dad, what do you do that? That is what you should do? No, no. I don't do any of that.

I specifically do not help. I don't have to clean. I'd be like, I don't have to clean. Yeah, yeah. If it comes, if it comes natural, but I also think it's like, you don't want a showboat. You don't want to like get up and start clearing the dishes or whatever. It's the same muscle as getting anyone to like you, I think, whether it's like. But I think with parents, they're less impressed by you like trying to impress them.

And like what they secretly want is to eat for you to be very respectful of their daughter. So you find little ways to insert that like tell a story and you know, celebrate their kid. Yeah. That's what it is. It's like, oh, this person likes my daughter or son as much as I do. So I like them because they like that. Like your daughter is amazing in bed. Like, and you should really be proud of that because.

She can deep throat my cough. And I'm sure. But I'm doing the dishes so it doesn't matter. This chicken was lacking. Really was. Did you not know I was coming over? You must not have known I was coming over. I'm going to give you constructive criticism.

Constructive. So it's a win-win because it tasted like construction paper. I mean, my God, what did you season this with? What's more nerve wracking for you meeting your significant other's parents or them meeting your parents? I would probably actually be more nervous for them to be my parents who I love my parents. But. Homo. I love my dad.

My dad's hilarious. He's so funny. He's the best guy in the world and I love him with all my heart and soul. No, I just, I don't know. I'm just, I'm a little kind of a personal guy. So it's just like letting someone in. Man. Yeah.

I'm really emo and moody right now. That's cool. You are suddenly wearing black eyeliner. Yeah. What about you? What makes you a little more nerve wracking? You have not, your parents are the nicest parents in the world. Well, your mom is for sure.

You have nothing to be nervous about. My mom's the fucking, she's the king and the queen. Yeah. My dad's a court jester. He's a pumpkin. My mom is the royal court and my dad is a pumpkin that sits on her table. He really is a pumpkin. He is small orange and he wears a small green cap.

That's enough out of you about my fucking old man. Your dad's a crook and a cheat. I'm just. Yeah, he is. He's a gynecologist. That means he fingers other chicks all day. All day he does that. Hey guys, come on.

We should really just move on with the podcast. By the time we finish, Jake's dad will be rotting on someone's stoop like a pumpkin. That's enough. Is his name Jack? That name really is Jack-o-lantern. It's actually Sam. It's actually Sam, you fucking asshole. I want to put a candle in his mouth and just watch it glow through his eyes.

That's enough. He's a gourd. He's a goddamn gourd. He's a fucking squash. Your dad's a squash. He really is a butternut squash. I'm only getting this offend because he's actually a gourd. My path a bit less hazy.

My vision was blurry, but now it is clear. My world tops me turvy, but now there's no fear. All hope is restored on thanks to Jake and Amir. My car was in park, but now it's in gear. I was far from the mark, but they brought me here. The plan is the same. Thanks to Jake and Amir. It's Jake and Amir.

I just realized something. Today is June 1st. If a miracle happens, today will in fact be the day. I know where you're going. I don't even want to- Dare we say? I can't. I don't want to jinx it by saying it, but we could be moving into, obviously calling

it a dream home would be underselling it. That's at least me leading you to the doorstep of what we're talking about. A dream home. It is the lost city of Atlantis. It is not a dream home. I did feel bad even calling it that. We recently saw a house that we ideally like to move into. It is what's above Utopia.

Valhalla. Valhalla. Shangri-La. The Garden of Eden. It is a home. It is a beacon. It is a light. It is an energy source on Raven Nest.

It is a house we cannot afford, but it is the one we deserve to be in. It's the house we deserve, but not the house we can afford right now. Absolutely. We ran out of options in our price range, so what we did was double what we can afford and what we saw was a home. Actually, borderline triple. Borderline triple. By the way, we tripled our initial budget.

That's right. Without tripling our income. So we just said we are willing to spend what we're not. Just to get in the door. We convinced ourselves in order to walk through these pearly pearly gates at Raven Nest. What we saw dumbfounded us. We were awestruck. We were dumbfounded.

We were confounded. We were struckfounded. It is unfounded. Unprecedented. I can't imagine a world where we don't live in Raven Nest. I can't imagine a world where we do. To live and to die in Raven Nest. Would be more than an honor.

To die a thousand deaths for one night in Raven Nest. My goal in life is to find a woman who will bear me a child who will die in Raven Nest. A child. What a proud moment. It would be for me to lose an infant. To lose my kid. To my king. For me to feel that sense of shame.

I will be Raven Nest. I will be a jester in the palace that is Raven Nest. I will proudly serve the king as a humble jester. I will be a prisoner that is bound to be beheaded. Absolutely. It would be an honor to find a genie. That I may grant you the other two wishes for I have but one. It is to die in Raven Nest.

For me to live there for an eternity as a dead soul would be greater than spending. To be reincarnated as a blade of grass on the lawn of New Zion. Of New Jerusalem. That is Raven's nest. For me to be a patch of grass that a pig would spend eternity shitting on. As long as it be in Raven Nest. For it to be in Raven Nest would be such an honor. Do you have an answer to your question?

You already have. And I have already answered. Do you dream of Raven Nest? Of course not. It wouldn't fit. It wouldn't have a house to dream of. I don't sleep. I stay awake.

Longing for Raven Nest. I lost after dreaming. Dreaming implies that I am at a state in my life where I can be restful outside of Raven Nest. To Raven Nest. To Raven Nest. To you. To me. So that we may find the catch.

Raise a glass but do not let the wine touch your lips because the wine of Raven Nest is too sweet to bear. But I bear my soul to Raven Nest and all I am to be to that that I am for her. For it. For I for him to go to me. It may never be enough. But I will have no less than Raven Nest. I will be homeless before I am denied that house which I will be. For we offered 50% asking.

This is our cover letter. Anyway we're two comedy writers. To pay rent in Raven Nest is a travesty, a tragedy that I won't allow it happen to me. I can't afford it to happen to be to me. We took the asking price and we said no chance. To sign a price to Raven Nest is more than a slap in the face. We slapped the owner across the face. We said your house is worth tenfold what this is.

So we'll offer you half. Because you don't deserve half. You don't deserve to own Raven Nest. Only we are the rightful heirs. Excalibur, the sword and the stone. That is the home that I must own. Can somebody own Mount Everest? Can somebody own Vesuvius?

Can you own the ocean? Can you own the sky? Not Olympus. The gods. My kingdom come. The river sticks. Imagine living a night in Raven Nest where you are not plagued by wet, wet dreams. To surf out on a wave of cum as we move out of Raven Nest one day.

Years and years of nocturnal emissions. Overpowering the home, the en suites. It is a four bedroom, it is a five bathroom. There are four en suites and a powder room. It is open concept. There is a pool. There is a two car garage. There is a gate.

For I may sleep on that gate. And I don't mean to lay my rest my head beside the gate. I do want to firmly slide my body along the spine of the top of the gate. The gate is fully furnished. The gate is a four bedroom studio apartment. The gate has an en suite. And every house that I've seen since Raven Nest is a toilet. It is absolutely not a home.

I can't imagine living anywhere but. And at the same time we can't, I can't stress this enough, we can't afford to live there. We're proud of you. Oh, we're proud of you. So you better not fucking up. That's it. Those were our favorite bits. I'm sure we missed a lot of your favorites.

We can only put so much into these episodes. Once again, thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting. If you want to do something a little extra, something a little bit helpful would be to subscribe to our show on iTunes. It helps our ranking, which helps other people discover the show. And then if you can leave a review on iTunes, that also helps the ranking, which also helps people discover the show. As always, as always, checking out new sponsors like Headspace makes us look really good. And really sellable to advertisers in the future.

So that URL one more time was headspace.com. If I were you for that meditation app. Either way, if you're listening, you've done more than enough. You owe us nothing more. And honestly, I didn't even want to come back at the end, but Jake is so like, he's twisting my arm. He's trying. He's like, listen, I'm in Florida, but you got to, you got to move these units. You got to make, you got to make a ripple and like you got to make a splash.

And I was like, all right, dude, I'll do it. I can't like no promises, dude, but like I'll see what I can do. Oh, shit. I promised myself I wouldn't cut or edit or stop recording if a certain bit or joke or anything fell flat or meandered. So here I am still talking unsure about if I should even keep this unsure if I will keep this. And if you're listening to this, then the answer was yes, I did keep it. So I guess I did. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Goodbye. Finally, I'm going to stop talking starting now. Sorry, I can't stop starting now. I'm going to stop. I'm going to start talking stopping now. Now that doesn't make sense either.

I'm so tired, you guys. I'm not really that tired. It's fine. Holy shit. I have to go. I really do have to go. Let's hear Rose say that this was a headgun podcast.