If I Were You - 192: Surge Dude

Episode Date: January 11, 2016

In this episode we discuss flirting, the future, and 360 degree cameras.This episode is brought to you by Headspace, ClubW, and CreditKarma!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Yeah, nice. That was Justin Goncalves. What's that? He's back, dude. I like that he said, jokes that go too far, but we don't care. It sounds like he does care a little bit. Some of their jokes are a little bit too much, but I don't care. No big deal.

Just, I wouldn't... Easy does it. They do touch on some pretty racy shit, and I wish they wouldn't. It is Goncalves. Goncalves. Goncalves. At least I hope it is. Yeah, yeah, I remember he was like, it sort of sounded like Gonzalez, whatever.

Yeah. So, thanks, Justin. Appreciate... That might be your fifth, sixth, seventh theme song, I don't know. They're all good because they're all rap, they're all hip-hop, and they're all true. He said that Jake was like Drake, and I was the funnier one, and it was all like a fun part. He said you were like Drake, didn't he? He said I was like Drake.

Yeah, yeah, I was the funnier one. He's like, here comes the me, or he's the life of the party. He didn't say that. He was like... He actually had like two lines about you and like a whole entire verse about me. What did he say about me? He said that you... Nobody guessed what was next with your comedy power.

That's insane. I love it. It was a positive thing. We're stretching. It was like... Oh, here comes the me, or he's the life of the party. He didn't say that. He wants you to get too smart, and he's too smarty.

He was like, he's too smart. You're not smart with smarty? I think so. Nice. Happy New Year, everybody. This is our first episode that we're recording after January 1st. Yeah. It's cool that the future is here.

Yeah, this is happening right now. It's nice that the future is now. 2016, and guess what's a little bit futuristic about this episode? You don't mind me saying it. I am on a hoverboard. You have broken your neck. We are recording this on a 360 camera. That's right.

We want to see what's what. Our buddy Justin and... It's a little freaky. How do you look into the camera? When I do this, am I looking at the camera? Or are I looking at the camera all the time because the camera is everywhere? Imagine the camera is God, and he is omnipresent. Yeah.

It looks like a stick of gum on a cup. I can't even do shit with my feet because someone can just hand down and see my feet. Well, there's still a table in the way. It's not an X or a 3D X. I'm nervous tapping a lot. Wow, your feet are awful. Oh! You're coming.

Hopefully, if everything goes well, we'll be able to put some 360-degree camera clips of this episode on our YouTube. Oh, just clips. I'm not going to put the whole thing there. Or we could put the whole thing. Listen, it's the future. We don't know yet. This whole thing might not even work. Right.

Yeah. I can imagine a world where we say cut and then it's like, oh, actually it didn't work. That's true. But that's what this is about. But now we're talking about it up top. It's spiromenting. It's spiromenting. Yeah, it's spiromenting.

And X is spiromenting. How was your entire break from December to January? Wow, it's been a long time, huh? Do you have actual official New Year's resolutions? I had, yeah, I do have an official New Year's resolution. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's an official one.

Official, I think. Oh, really? Official, yeah. This is for real? This is for real. And you think about it? It's an actual, yeah. And you wrote it down?

I didn't write it down. It's not official. You have to write it down. You have to write it down. I committed it to memory. It's to... Fuck, what was it? What was my New Year's resolution?

What was the one thing I decided I was going to do this with? Oh, yeah, it was to write more shit down. You know, I've been thinking abstractly about... This has nothing to do with New Year's. I was thinking about getting a calendar app for my phone. I was thinking about it. You definitely have one already. Yeah, you have the native app, of course.

But I think if there was a calendar app that I liked looking at it... Oh, you don't like the one that's in there? There's nothing exciting about it. It's because you have nothing going on. I had four little things in my calendar today, including this little debacle. The camera's on fire. It is just on fire. My New Year's resolution is to make 2016 the last year that my heel hurts.

Oh, that's not a resolution. That's just a hope. No, but there's like actual steps I could do to take... Yeah, but you've been doing that anyway. No, not as much as I could. You've been going to doctors. You've been trying certain crackpot ideas, some normal ideas. You've been getting pads.

You've been getting iced. You've been getting shots. What is going to be different? I could get the surgery that I've been avoiding. Oh, there's a surgery that'll fix your heel? Not necessarily, but there is a surgery that the doctor says he could open up my heel, see what's what. But then I wouldn't be able to walk for six weeks. And I don't want to do that.

Well, maybe this is... If we get to the last six weeks of the year and it still hurts, I'll do the surgery. November 15th. Yeah. What's the, just the cliff snows, the abridged version of what's wrong with your heel? So a couple years ago... Basically, when we started this podcast is how long your heel has been hurting. Yeah, that's true, right?

It was the day of... Now that I think of this podcast, if I just stopped doing the podcast, I broke my heel when I was rock climbing. Yeah. And I didn't know that I broke it. So I walked on the heel for six months. Okay. In constant pain. Constant.

Yeah. And you're... Yeah, you felt invincible. You were like 27. You're like, I'll just walk and it'll fix itself. Oh, it's a bad bone bruise. It'll be fine. The month went by, it wasn't fine.

But it was like feeling slightly better. So it just felt slightly better for six months. But then it was like getting warm out and I couldn't run and I was very sad about it. So I went to the doctor and they gave me an MRI and they told me it was indeed broken. Yeah, your bone. So, yeah. Fortunately for me, I had to be on crutches and a little wheelie scooter for six weeks in the middle of the summer during our trip to London and Iceland.

Yeah, that's how long ago this was. This was like 2013. Yeah. You rode on a scooter for six weeks. And then I got off the scooter. My foot didn't hurt very much. But then basically it's been slowly deteriorating back to the point where it feels like it did before I got on the scooter. Bone is fixed, but muscles still hurt.

Well, I mean, the bone, whatever it is, my heel hurts. I don't think there's muscle down there. It's like a fatty pad or something that it's all a rye. But according to X-rays and MRI, everything looks normal. The last MRI I got was less than a year ago and the doctor said it looked like I had never broken my heel. Wow. Except that it hurts. You would think medicine would figure that out by now.

It's true. So I do all this stuff like I wear really padded shoes, which I don't love doing because I really miss wearing Converse. Yeah, like Minimalist, lightweight, Flyknit. I like that stuff. And now I'm wearing the Flyknit Lunars. Of course. But Lunar Zoom 3 is a pretty substantial padded shoe, though as minimalist as I could be. They look like ski boots.

So like you'll wear like full ski boots around the house. Yeah, I wear two walking gear. At all times in the shower, at home, in bed. But your goal for 2016 is to just not feel pain anymore. No more pain in the heel. So 2017, I start running again. Wow. That's my goal.

Right. I guess that's a good resolution. Yeah. I think also a resolution could be a hope, couldn't it? I'm resolute that this will happen. Yeah. I'm at the very least hopeful that it will. Yeah.

That's pretty much everything that I had. Do you have one? I have an interesting one. Oh, nice. Let's get started. All right. So this episode. Are you ready for it?

Yeah. It's going to be really interesting. Okay. You're going to be like, oh, that's interesting. Nice. Yeah. Actually, say that now. Oh, that's interesting.

All right. Ready? Yeah. That is interesting. That's right. Most people's resolution would be to watch less TV. I don't watch any television. Yeah.

Well, I should clarify. I only watch NBA basketball. Right. So name a comedy that came out in the last 10 years. Oh, you're the worst. People were talking about it today. Never seen it. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Transparent. Never seen it. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Fargo?

Nothing. Cool. I haven't seen any show. You know what? I actually, I think that might be a popular resolution this year. Is to watch more TV? Yeah. I think it's becoming a more popular resolution because TV isn't like this mindless activity

anymore. Yeah. TV is sort of like high culture. It's almost like, it's like like in films now. Yeah. Move over reading. There's a new resolution in town. Yeah.

Totally. And these books over here, you guys can maybe see on the 360. You can pan yourself. That's the beauty of a 360 video. You can choose which angle you want to watch. These books are trembling in fear because I am so close to burning them. They're all about to be a Kindle. They're going to be burning Kindle.

Kindling. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. I don't think so. We're talking about an Amazon Kindle. As soon as I like one episode of fucking Kimmy Schmidt, this whole fucking bookshelf is going to flames.

We don't know. No. Right. No. Of course not. You already could read the book. You could burn. You honestly, the resolution is to watch a less basketball.

Yeah. And to burn more books. I met somebody else, a friend of my parents, who was going to watch more TV. Yeah. That's a solid resolution. What are you going to start with? That's a good question. Maybe I'll finish the wire.

Cool. Should I start there or should I start current and go back? I think you should, to be honest with you, the wire is great. It's one of the best shows of all time, one of my favorite shows. But I feel like it's almost like, it's almost like reading. You can't just like go back to a book that you didn't finish and expect that to jump start. Yeah.

You have to like find a new TV show. Master of none. Cool. Master of none then. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. Sure.

So. Cool. Deal. Right now. What? What about dude? All right. Let's podcast.

This, what is this? It is a podcast, an advice podcast. The only podcast on the internet hosted by us, I should say that I'm Amir Blumenfeld. And I'm Jacob Penkooper Hurwitz. Isn't it good that we don't have, or maybe we do, but we don't have voices that sound too much alike? Yeah. They're pretty different.

It helps. Yeah. I'm glad you brought that up, Blumenfeld. That was actually going to be my other resolution is to, I've been testing out just like. New voices. Speaking differently, yeah. What do you got? Well, what do you want me to say?

Say, welcome to, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet. Welcome to, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I love it. Really? You do? You're so hot right now. Yeah. I can also be like, my surge voice, like, hey dude, hey man.

Surge, man. Yo dude. Oh, that's so funny. That's what we've been doing for months. We've never done it on the podcast. Hey, surge man. Give me a banana, man. Surge, dude.

Surge listens to the podcast. Yeah. We should, we're not making fun of surge. We're making fun of a guy who's friends with a guy named surge. And he's sort of like very, I don't even know what this joke is. He's very cool, but he's talking about, I don't know. So he made a friend named surge. Yeah.

And he's like kind of cool and chill. But he wants a lot of favors from the surge. And most of them are food related. Yeah. Also, like what a six year old would ask for. Hey, surge, man. Make me a crepe, dude. Yeah.

You have any, you have any raisin surge? Surge, dude. Maybe like a PB and J and cut the crust, man. Serious, dude. I'm scared of the boogie man, surge. Dude, I'm like, when I go to bed, I'm like, afraid of shit. I'm scared, man. I heard a fucking noise, dude.

What was that, dude? It's like a creaking, dude. Don't even say it's like the house settling, man. I'm fucking scared. I heard a house cell before, surge. And though it should was like real. I really am afraid of the boogie man, dude. Oh, surge, man.

I texted you on the other day. I was like, surge, man, let's play fucking peekaboo, man. When you, when you cover my eyes, you disappeared, dude. Dude, don't scare me like that. Where would you go, dude? There you are, dude. Surge, man, you're scaring me, man. Can we have a secret handshake, man?

I see you peekaboo. Whoa, don't cover it. Where'd you go, surge? Oh, there you are. That amused me, surge. There's like a hair on my microphone, surge. No, there really is. You're a surge, dude.

You're watching on the 360 camera. You can look at a mirror. Yeah. Playing with the microphone. That's so classic. Yeah, dude. And that's the kind of shit that you can't get without a 360 microphone. We should do everything with a 360.

I actually, the 360 cameras freak me the fuck out. There's like, there's parts of my body that I don't want to be on camera right now. Yeah, like, I don't know if I'm sitting upright in a good way. I've trained myself to be like from, from the chest up, just like locked off. Yeah. Like this is, but like down below, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck's going on here. Surge, dude, I made you a lanyard, man. Everyone's doing it at camp, dude.

Surge, dude, do you know how to do cat's cradle, man? Let's play with this string, dude. You're also a cat. Surge, dude, I took a shit in your kitty litter, man. Little brown pellets, dude. You don't have to clean up after. Surge, dude, I'm afraid of water, man. Dude, you got to give me like a dust bath, man.

I'm a fucking chinchilla, dude. Dude, I'm a fucking chinchilla, I swear, dude. I'm like, give me a baby curtain to dust bath, dude. I'm a fucking hedgehog, man. Oh, man, you saw me almost spitting the water out and you wanted to make it happen, didn't you? Surge, dude. All right, can we answer this first question? Yeah.

Uh... All right, let's get a guy's name. Should we use Surge? Surge. Surge, dude. Hey, guys, I'm a 23-year-old dude from Wales and I recently broke up with my girlfriend of three and a half years, so single life is weird as hell at the moment.

So the other night, I got a little drunk and a friend of mine told me to go flirt with a girl. Side note, I'm shit at flirting. I get really anxious when I talk to new people, especially of the female persuasion, so to combat this anxiety, I tried to think of the funniest thing in my head. This isn't necessarily going to be a good thing,

as most of the time, it's mean, but it's still funny. I start talking to her and I found out that she has an accent. Turns out she's from Ireland, but has a Canadian accent after staying there for a year. Now, I find it really annoying when people pick up accents quickly, so to poke fun, I just blurt it out. Stop putting on an accent, you silly imposter. Other stuff came out, but it's all a blur.

She got mad, she was almost crying, and like, she was almost crying, all like, I've had this my whole life or some shit. It got worse and worse. I had to profusely apologize, as her and her friends were ready to put me under. In the end, my aforementioned friend dragged me by the ankles to safety. Obviously, it's not the funniest thing in the world,

but I was just having fun to see if she could take a joke. Does this make me a bad person? Or just a reverse Romeo? Tips on flirting would be great right now, as I'm swimming with the sharks. Todah, boys, you're great. Lots of love, Serge. Serge.

Yo, Serge, man. Yo, Serge, man. This is... I don't like when people say, I just wanted to see if you could take a joke. Yeah. Because that's not a joke. I can take...

I know how to... Everyone, like, what do you mean, take a joke? I think a first tip of comedy is that don't make... I mean, it's easy to say don't make fun of someone's accent, but try not to bring up an accent. Because to them, if they're living abroad, they hear that all the time. And you don't want to say something that anybody's heard all the time.

That's like another tip. It's the easiest thing to do to comment on somebody's, like, glasses, accent, height. It's like something that's, like, a little different about them. And you're like, I picked this up. Yeah. I would like me now. Like, you're not original. Yeah, that's the worst part of...

The worst thing that you could do as a comedian is to say something that's obvious or that you've seen or heard before. Also, though, like, poking fun at somebody is not a great way to get them to like you. That's, like, the negging thing. Yeah, which I don't actually believe in. If you're just nice and funny, there's a difference between being funny and being mean.

And, like, somebody, if they have a really good sense of humor, they can, like, laugh at themselves. But, you know, not everybody does. And it's sort of like a dumb risk to take at a bar. Like, oh, I'm gonna be rude to this person and see if they like it. Yeah. It's like the fifth grade mentality of pulling somebody's hair. Yeah.

I think if you're just friendly and nice, people will like that. Uh, so does this make me a bad person? Or just a reverse Romeo? Neither. What's a reverse Romeo? Someone who's bad at romance? Yeah, someone who's not slick. Someone who's not smooth.

I guess sort of a reverse Romeo. Yeah. But Romeo wasn't slick or smooth either, was he? He just fell in love with the wrong woman. Juliet? Capulet. All right. Uh, it's not a bad person.

If you're a bad person, you wouldn't care. You wouldn't give a shit that you were being. He did apologize profusely to her and her friends. How bad did it get? The rest of it's a blur. He was, he had to be calling her racial slurs from Canada. It's funny to think about what a Canadian accent is. Oh, you silly imposter.

Just like an actual shot of what happened at the bar is like him screaming at the top of his lungs. You fucking canuck. Talk normal. Talk normal, you canuck. And then cut to him apologizing to her and her friends. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Everybody, there's the bar. Everybody's sort of like slowly surrounding it. Listen, friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I apologize. Tips on flirting would be great right now. He's swimming with the sharks. How to flirt. That's why it's good to have a wingman.

It's good to be with somebody like that. I find it because it's good to be the guy behind the loud annoying guy. Because then you seem better in comparison. Right. Sometimes a good quote-unquote wingman is somebody who is this kind of abrasive person. You look good by comparison. Right. Because how do you look good?

You're not necessarily looking good. You just stand next to someone who's worse than you. It's all relative. True. So if a tip for flirting would be you hang out with loud, brash, annoying people. You come off as a sweet, sensitive, nice, and then you occasionally make a joke kind of guy. It's like rolling your eyes. Sorry about him.

Look at him. I apologize for my friend. Let me get you this to apologize. Yeah. You want to be waiting in the wings. I think there's a middle sort of thing, right? You don't want to be center stage, most loud, most crazy. Yeah.

But you also don't want to be so far in the back. In the back that people forget about you. Right. Right? The edges. Right? The edges, baby. So let's say we're at the 360-degree camera.

It can capture all angles. There is no edges. Right. But let's say there's a frame. Let's say it's this. Front center. Uh-huh. Edge.

You're getting cut off. You don't want to do that. I don't understand where this is. Yeah. And then you want to be in between the edge and the center. Yes. Left of center. Left of center.

Very, very politically relevant. Politically too. Yeah, right. You don't want to be too extreme. You also don't want to be too moderate where you have no opinion. True. So you have to be opinionated, loud, annoying, mean, angry, vile, hating, racist, I should say, or racial, at least racially insensitive.

Yeah. If not racially unjust. Yeah. Unjust. And then accusatory, I would say, is the last one. Those are a lot of bad adjectives, I would say. Badjectives? Thank you.

Yes, dude. Staircase idea. Staircase idea. Do you remember Staircase idea? I'll never forget Staircase idea. A portmanteau we came up with nine and a half months ago. Staircase idea. You're not a bad person.

Don't be loud. Don't be too quiet. Stop testing the waters to see if people can take jokes. Let's just assume they can't. Yeah. Or assume they can. Or assume that, I don't know, it's just not a great measure of a person to be like, why do you get to be the guy that gets to, why are you the barometer, like somebody's joke

taking? Yeah. I was just testing you to see if you could take a joke. Don't test either. Never test anybody. Let's just. Because if they fail, it's bad. And if they pass, you pass the test, what are you talking about?

Yeah. I laughed, but I don't like you. Yeah. If they take a joke, well, I guess I sort of can't. I don't know. It's in between. It also, it's like, it wasn't seeing if she can take a joke. It's also seeing if you can give a joke, which he couldn't because he didn't tell a joke.

He just yelled at her for having an accent. I totally forgot the funniest part of this email, which was the subject, which is, am I fucking funny? I guess that answer is no. Yeah. Not in this instance, buddy. It's hard. I've never asked, am I funny?

I think if you're asking, then you're, well, maybe you're funny and insecure. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to not be funny? Oh, to not know. Like, like imagine going around. There's a lot of people that one, aren't funny and two, just don't value humor. Like they'll work, go home, hang out and fall asleep and not smile or laugh. Yeah. That's crazy.

I have thought about what it would be like to, um, I guess. Yeah. I've thought about what it would be like to not have a sense of humor, but like very not, not me to not be funny. I almost like me to be somebody else. Yeah. A sense of humor. A new resolution that I thought of instead of the TV thing would be to be jacked.

That's pretty good. So like fuck TV or whatever, still watch basketball, but I'm also just fucking cut now. Yeah, like this lifting, eating protein. Yeah. That's cool. That was my resolution last year. Is to be jacked. Yeah.

And you what? I nailed it. You nailed to beat. What did you nail? I'm jacked. If you're watching a 360 video, why don't you just get, get a whole. Yes. Pan over to Jake right now and just look at that.

And you're cut too. Aren't you shredded? Yeah. I'm shredded as well. So take off your shirt. I'm not going to take off my shirt. I'll let people see how fucking sliced up you are, dude. I don't want to do that on the podcast, dude.

I am sliced up. I want to see like, what's it called? The vicious V. I got the vicious V. And you got the eight pack, right? Yeah. And you got the side abs. Side abs, eight pack.

Just a ripped back. Yeah. Um, beefy quads. Yeah. Defined quads. And you haven't skipped leg day. No, I only do leg day. You skipped arm day, if anything, but you haven't done that.

I, one day I didn't work out my neck as hard as I wanted to. Your traps? Yeah. I would do it double the next day. So. What'd you do for your neck? I do shrugs with a hundred pound kettle balls, dude. Kettle balls?

Kettle bells. What? Kettle what? What don't you get about the kettle? The pot calling the kettle ball black. Um, would you rather be look really strong and be weak or be look like you currently are, but be like, be able to bench 300? What are you talking about?

I look and can't bench 300. I see. Um, would I rather look strong and not be strong or look weak and be strong? Would you rather be like, look like Billy, but be able to lift as much weights as me? Or would you rather be me and be able to lift and push as much weight as Billy? Um, interesting. I guess probably look like Billy. Right.

I would kill someone who looks like Billy. Yeah. Like what a small price it is to pay. So what if I can't fucking bench more than 125? I look like I can. Right. And like all of our friends are like, yeah, well, let's see you at the gym. Yeah.

Do you go to the gym? No. Yeah. Well, neither do I. And I'm still fucking huge. Yeah. I made a deal with the devil. So don't worry about how much I can actually push.

Kind of like Dave's arms where he just worked out every single day in college. And still to this day has big arms. Yeah. He has the worst diet I've ever seen. It just doesn't atrophy. Yeah. It doesn't go away. It should.

Another bit of advice to 18 to 22 year olds is to just work out now. Yeah. And then you can kind of coast on that for a bit. Yeah. I mean Dave's almost 30. Yeah. And he's still huge. He still has big arms.

His guts disgusting. Love you. Love you, Davey. Davey baby. Follow me on Snapchat. Davey Rosie. Snapchat's are so funny. Every morning it starts with the most plain, kind of sad hymn in the dark going, rise and

grind. It's like. Rise and grind. Rise and grind. It's so much of his Snapchat's are him lying in bed and saying rise and grind. Rise and grind. Good name for a coffee shop. True.

I don't know. Nice dude. Whatever. All right. Surge, dude. Do you have any juice? Yo, surge, man. I can't get the straw in my Capri Sun, dude.

Surge, dude. I fucking can't pierce it, dude. When I pierce it, dude, a little bit of juice came out, man. Call your mom and clean it up, dude. Where's your maid, dude? Where's Teresa, man? Tell her I want cookies, dude. I want Hydrox, good.

Surge. Can I have an orange slice, man? We're going to play basketball, so I really need an orange slice. Surge, dude, I want milk. Should we try to answer one more question before the break? Yeah, sure. Really? Forget it.

What? For the break. Seriously? No, let's answer one more. You think so? Let's take a break. Let's take a break. Whatever you want to do.

I think we're after 30 minutes, so we'll take a break right now, and then we'll be back with more questions. Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place, and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

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Let's play a horse in my room, dude. Yo, Surge, dude, man, I got a Polaroid camera. I want to take a picture of you, Surge. Let's do a fucking flipbook animation, dude, man. I want to make it look like this ball's bouncing up and down. Am I your friend, dude? Yeah, what? Am I your friend, Surge, man?

I like you, dude. I think we marry me, man. You marry me, Surge. I want to be with you forever, dude. First half was over. We ended up recording it and re-recording it 12 times before the version you just heard. We got it. Yeah, just right.

And we usually do it a lot more than that, actually. Yeah, we're getting better. That's kind of a BTS behind-the-scenes thing that we don't usually talk about, is that we record every podcast episode 12 to 15 times and then release the sixth best version. Yeah, the sixth best version. Virgin, actually. See, that's why it makes me want to start over and go back again, but let's power through, because I think, yeah.

The first best episode goes under lock and key. That's right. We have a little time capsule. Yeah, we'll record it and then, like you said, it goes under lock and key in the time capsule. Yeah, so in the future, maybe one day when the aliens are rooting through the wreckage of our society, they'll stumble upon our time capsule and they'll say, oh, these guys are really, really funny. This is what they called art, and this is funny.

And now we'll shape our society using their words and their wisdom. That's good. And then me and Amir, we become deities. Yeah, some sort of like overlords, or like you said, gods. I want to worship you, Serge. Serge, dude. I like Roman mythology, man. Oh, who's Hermes, Serge?

Serge, dude, you want to practice? You want to study for the pre-algebra exam, dude? Oh, Serge, man, will you quiz me? Serge, dude, let's do times tables, man. What's six times eight, Serge? Oh, Serge, man, what's the capital of North Dakota, dude? I swear, dude, it's Bismarck, bro. We don't know if these bits are funny or not.

That's the beauty of it. It'll either become a Matt Damon of itself or not. Yeah, but what's a bit that we tried and then failed at, though? I guess we don't know because they were so... Yeah, they actually... How do you remember something that's forgotten? Yeah, that was a good one. That's a primo.

The wolf, John Wolf, global, local. I said Matt Damon. Yeah. Seizing the cheese, for example. So when we make the Serge dude shirts, that's when we'll know that it reached ultimate. What is it called? The apex.

The top of the mountain. Yeah. So the first best one we put under lock and key, like Jake said. That's probably going to be good. I see that. The time capsule's going to come back. The second best one we'll throw into space. So a space capsule.

Yeah. That way if the aliens don't quite reach our planet, they'll get to the top, yeah. Either way, we're deities to them. We are still deities, gods to them. And then the third through fifth we destroy. We'll set a blaze. And then the sixth we post online.

And the seventh, we make a little suppository. Yeah. And we slide it up a mirror. And my butt hole. Yep. Just sort of. I'll put it in my butt. Yeah.

So I'll put, yeah. I'll, like you said, I'll take it a flash drive and I'll put it in my asshole. Put it in your ass. Yeah. So many of our podcasts are in your ass. Yeah, they're still in me. And actually you shit out the hard drive before every episode.

It slides out of my butt. Yep. Yeah. All right. Now that we've figured that out, do you want to answer some more questions? Yeah, I do. Sir, dude, what's this guy's name, man? It's a girl, dude.

What do we do? What's a girl bit that we do? We don't do a girl bit. We're sexist. Sir. Sarah. Sarah. Sergio.

Sergio. Sergio. Very nice. Sergio writes, I have a question that may seem silly, but it really bothers me. Me and my boyfriend have been together for three months now and the sex is dope. But the foreplay has some issues. When it comes to me giving him head, he says it isn't that great.

He says it's fine, but not all that great. And I haven't been able to make him come. I've never had this problem with any other guy I've been with and there's been a decent amount. I don't know what to do. I have a really sensitive gag reflex, but I've been able to work around it in the past. My boyfriend is really into me deep-throating and essentially mouth fucking me.

And if that's what he's into, I want to accommodate to best I can so he can get off. But I can't breathe when he does it and I make these gross gagging noises and I feel like I'm choking when he does that. I really want to be the cute girl. What's up buddy? It was the most foul.

I felt disgusted with myself saying that fucking super vulgar foul sentence and then the next one's I really want to be the cute girl that can get him off but I can't breathe when he does that. Sorry. I really want to be the cute girl who gives him morning head before... So nice. I want to be the cute girl who gives him morning head before work

or road head. You know the cute girl who gives you road head. But if I'm not that good and I can't make him come then what's the point? He's not super sexual as a person so he says that it isn't that big of a deal and having just normal sex and giving instead of receiving

is not for him but it makes me feel like I'm failing as a girlfriend so what do I do? Do you have any tips on how to improve? I've never had this issue before and I'm genuinely at a loss. I hope this wasn't too long. Thanks for everything. Love Sergia. Sergia. Huh.

He wants to face fuck her. I want to face fuck you. I want to fuck your face. Yeah. I don't like coming to the negotiating table with you're not good at getting me off. Right. That's a negative place to start.

Yeah. It's not where you want to start. I'm not going to fault anybody for wanting to have someone gagging on their shaft. Personally, that's not me. But I'm not going to call you

a sicko because you want to face fuck somebody. You're not perverted. The problem is that it's a very sort of aggressive sexual thing and somebody really has to

be into it and both people kind of have to be into it if you want the desired effect and it sounds like she doesn't want to do it. No. Nor will her body allow her to do it. It sounds like she's down if she was possible

but she can't do it without, you know, choking. So I don't like the boyfriends starting from a place of you're not great at giving head. Because that's not true. It's that he likes a very specific kind of head.

That she can't physiologically account for. So first of all, if somebody said you're not great at giving head, I'm like, yo, I actually made a lot of dudes come with my mouth. So you're not that great at getting it. It's a very specific thing that you like. We can talk about it. But don't come at me

with you're not that great at head. Because I'm actually pretty good and I sucked a lot of dicks and I know what the fuck is up. And then you show them. Because everybody else has come in my mouth and you have it. You show them a video. Then his dick gets super small when you say something like that, right?

You can deep throat it all day. Because it's a fucking AA battery. It's a weenie and a blanket. It is half of a trisket. It's just a miniature hot dog. You could swallow it. It is a mini golf pencil. You could probably fuck your nostril with it at that point.

Which maybe is what he's into. Interesting. A nasal fucking. I think you can just be up front. Just be like, hey, I want to gag on your dick but

it's too uncomfortable. Is there anything else that I could do with sex? You said the sex is dope. It might just be like, hey, he likes a kind of blow job that you're not down for. But that doesn't mean that morning head and road head aren't like dope too.

I don't have to come from getting a blow job and I still like it. I don't have to come from making out and I still like that. You don't always have to come to get sexual satisfaction. I don't come when I grab girls tits and I don't come when I touch a girl's ass. But it's still like some of my favorite things

to do. Yeah, it's like when a girl says, you know, I haven't had an orgasm but I still had a lot of fun. This is still very pleasurable. You can have pleasurable sex without necessarily C-U-M-ing. Yeah. Well, you're afraid to say the word come. I just, it's getting a little crap. Cause my mom is still a podcast.

You don't want to say come too much. Cause you think my mom might be listening. She actually is and I am sorry. She's hiding underneath the table cause this is a 360 degree video and she doesn't want to be on camera. Oh mother.

Oh mother. Dear me. Why mother? Why? I am melting mother. You don't feel like you're feeling as a girlfriend. She's going above and beyond. You're doing great as a girlfriend. Yeah. You're choking for him which is pretty uncomfortable.

It's one of the worst things you can feel as a human is not being able to breathe. Yeah, it's like a really specific kind of blow job that like I think you don't have to do all the time. Even the people that are into the gagging face fucking blow jobs. Like you don't, I'm sure he would like morning head and it doesn't have to be

of like a violent him, you know, grabbing your ears and and giving you a dollar. Why a dollar? You know, it's that, it's that dance like five cents, ten cents, and it's five dollars.

See, you thought. Dollar is like the thrust. Oh, okay. I'm glad I asked because I don't think anybody would have gotten there. Yeah, no, I don't know why I said dollar. I think it's like some weird thing my cousin did on vacation a long time ago. I don't want to know what you did to your cousin. No, I mean like we didn't, no, no, that's quite understandable.

We were talking about meeting girls on the beach and giving him a dollar, dude. Yeah, and he face fucked me but he never called it a dollar. And he never came. Because my gag reflex was a little too sensitive. I wonder if gag reflex is not that she should but I wonder if just in general

if that's something you can limit. Like is that a genetic thing that you can't get rid of or is that something you can work on? Probably something you can work on, probably, I don't know. I remember in high school like guys dating girls and being like, and guess what? She doesn't have any gag reflex. And every time I've ever gotten like a really deep throat blowjob

I'm just like, hey, are you okay? Yeah. Are you okay? Stop, stop, stop, you don't have to do that. Because it's like, yeah, I don't know. It's kind of intense, like the past the tongue and like the back of the throat is kind of unnatural. Yeah. It's bony back there a little bit.

And it feels like at any, is there something a little dangerous about it to me? Like at any point like you're, you could just like clamp your jaw down by accident. Because like your body is like, hey, get like, get it out. It's like evolution. It wasn't worth it.

You bit my dick off. Oh, what is that? Holy Christ. That is so rad. Dude. You got to fucking write TV, dude. I love the catchphrase. The catchphrase is your characters

come up with? Oh man, you're like, what are you talking about Willis? Like fuck that shit. You bit my dick off. You bit my dick off. Yeah, that's good. That's gold. That's the name of a sitcom. Damn bitch, you bit my dick off.

Damn bitch, you bit my dick off. Whoa, whoa, no way. Sorry, I shouldn't occur. It's 2016. You're slut shaming. You're slut shaming. You're mansplaining and you're manscaping. I'm also manspreading right now.

You are manspreading. You have a 360 camera. You guys got to look at this manspread I got. And it's actually a nice cheese spread. So Jake has a little bit of a smoked Gouda on his taint. He's got a little crudité. He's got a little Surge dude.

Can I get some salami, man? Surge dude, have you ever had ants on a log, dude? My dad used to make that, dude. You put peanut butter on celery, dude. And some raisins. Forget about them, man. Could we make an Oreo graveyard, dude? Put gummy worms in chocolate pudding, man. With Oreo crumbles on top, man.

You know what, Surge dude? Let's blend shit up and dare each other to drink it, man. Surge, man, you want to make a potion, dude? Surge, dude, let's play blind man's bluff, dude. I'll put a towel over my head and try to catch you, dude. Oh, you're fast, man. My brother broke his nose that way, man. I'm serious, dude.

Uh, mercy. Uh, should we answer another question? Let's do one more. We didn't really give this girl very much advice, but like, just try to talk to your boyfriend about what you guys could do sexually. That would be great.

Yeah. Let him know that you're insecure about the way he's talking about the oral sex, because he probably doesn't want to make you feel like that. He doesn't want you to choke. Yeah, and he doesn't want you to think you're bad at head. He's, he should, I, I want to, I want you guys to talk through the,

through the sort of negativity that, that he's casting your way. Yeah. It's not cool, because you do want to, you want his dick in your mouth. So like, he should come from a place of appreciation for that. Yeah, that's like 90% of the battle. Yeah.

Like, she wants to, she wants to be him. She wants my penis in her, in her mouth. Some people don't even like that much. Like, I can't handle that. Yeah. Like, I have, I have, you know, the rest of the society, most of everybody else is like, oh, I don't even want to talk to that person.

So you found somebody that wants to talk to you, wants to kiss you, wants to unzip your pants and place your penis onto their tongue. Yeah. Like, that's a lot. You're giving this guy advice at this point. Yeah. He should appreciate the blowjobs.

And you guys can talk openly about how they could be better, but he shouldn't make you feel bad at the end. Let's go for another pornographic question. Nice. Because we've gotten blue, this episode is rated R. Yeah. This episode is straight up called Cum, dude.

No, I think it'll be called Surge, dude. Yeah, that's better. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Should we give her a... Fuck it. Let's use her real name. Whoa, dude.

Denise Hopkins. Straight up outing her. Denise Hopkins. Let's call her Lisa, because that's a one of famous milk porn name. Okay. Lisa, right. I have a boyfriend who I've been with for almost two years now,

and there's an age gap of almost six years and 30. I was on his computer the other day, and I went to Google something with the letters MI and noticed that he had recently been watching milk porn. Come to find out that a huge majority of the porn he watches is milk and mother porn. I even saw that he clicked on sister

and grandma before. Not frequently, though. We have an amazing sex life and get it on way more than the average couple. It's just super confusing, because why would he go after me, someone much younger, if he gets off sexually with older women? Should I be concerned?

Sincerely, young and insecure. Lisa. Okay. Lisa, what do you say, buddy? Because I've got the answers. I have fear that we think the same thing, and I'll tell you what it is. When you fantasize, you don't fantasize about what you got.

You fantasize about the polar opposite of what you have, because you can get what you got. Never judge a guy by his porn. That is not necessarily. The fact that you are younger makes sense that he's looking at older ladies, because that's what you aren't.

It's not something that necessarily you can't give him, but it's just something that he fantasizes about. There's nothing necessarily wrong, and you shouldn't be insecure. If anything, you should start lying about your age, maybe start saying that, oh, it's my birthday again, it's actually in March, oh, actually, and then September rolls around, say I'm actually 30,

and then you say, oh, you are my son, your sister, if you're into incense. Also, I wonder how much porn, he watched a lot of milk porn. If you just go into one porn session of his, it'll look like a lot of milk porn, because people think they open up a lot of tabs, and she's like, oh my god, there's 10 links

of milk porn. Yeah, that's 8 minutes. Dude, you're good. Additionally, what was I, oh yeah, in porn there's like two ages, it's 18 in milk. There's no like, there's barely legal and too old. Yeah, there's no like, oh, hey, normal 27-year-old

porn. Yeah. Oh, how old are you? I'm 27, it's either like, you are, you're 18 until you're 30 in porn, like freshly 18, barely legal. I'm just getting in, this is my first time, I'm mostly a virgin, and then there's like milk dominatrix,

and that starts when you're like 28 or 29, right? So, 30. There's no gray area. Well, the gray area is like 28 to 30, I think. Where, I trust you, you are, you can be 18 barely legal and milk at the same time.

Holy shit. That's when you're making bang that's bang money, dude. You're making points in the back end, you're making points in the front because you're getting in the back end and the front. You're getting in the front. You bet my dick off. Christ.

His attitude is like, so like a little amused. Like, holy shit. It's almost like happening to somebody else. He's reacting. He's reacting like He's watching a violent Quentin Tarantino show.

Or like, someone hit him with a water balloon at a pool party. Oh, yeah. Right in the nads. Like, oh, that's not okay, but at the same time, whatever. That'll hurt later. Hurts now, actually, because you bit my dick off.

You bit my dick off. So, don't worry about the porn. Don't judge a man by his porn. Don't judge a man by his browser. History. Dot, dot, dot. History.

Yeah, that makes sense. That's a good life tip in addition to just porn. Don't judge a man by his browsing history. Yeah. People search weird shit and then you purge that curiosity and you're like, oh, that was weird. Alright, bye forever.

And then if you re-mash it, you're like, you looked at sister porn, so you're a sick fuck. I wonder what's in my history. Another thing though, a lot of people don't look at the titles of porn videos. Like, are you on Pornhub or RedTube or whatever site you go to looking at the titles of the video

or do you just look at the thumbnail? And it doesn't matter what the fucking title is. Oh. Yeah, I guess you just look at... what I think is attractive or an ass that I think is hot in a thumbnail. And then it happens to be a MILF and it happens to be this.

I guess you search sometimes for like MILF porn or whatever. But generally, if you're like looking at the videos that he watched and all the titles, I bet there's... it's mostly just... What's the plural for MILFs? Is it MILFs? It's MILFs.

It is MILFs. Yeah. It would make grammatical sense, I do believe. An example of a search history that I'm kind of ashamed of is Name of Not Prime Numbers. That's...

I think you're a little bit proud of it though. Yeah, well I didn't know. Yeah, so that's... So like my ten-year-old niece asked me a math question that a fourth grader would know and I didn't know the answer so that I googled it later. What is the name of Not Prime Numbers? A composite number.

I did know that. We all know. At some point in my life. That's right, we end every episode with a math tip. And I remember that time I had googled Mark Paul Gosseler's shirtless. I do that more often than I like to admit. Yeah.

I googled a lot of male celebrities and sports stars shirtless. I like to see if their bodies are as ripped as mine. And oftentimes they are. More so. Did you see Creed? Now I have to see that. Oh dude, Michael B. Jordan is fucking huge. I can't wait.

I love strong people. It is awesome that he got so big, but I don't like people being like, look how much he dedicated to this movie. He really got real shredded and cut. It's like, yeah, anyone would do that for... That's the fun thing about...

He still gets to be cut after. He didn't do it just for the movie. He makes millions of dollars on the movie. He pays for a personal trainer and a professional chef cooking all of your meals. Well, I guess I don't. Michael B. Jordan, if you're listening, I don't mean

to assume about all this stuff, but I just imagine and I think it's awesome and I think you're awesome. I actually would only respect it if he went back to being not as cut and jacked and huge after the movie. It must be it. I'm sure he would because it's got to be so much work

to keep up that level of fitness. He's got to be a little bit still look amazing and he's not. Give me the Christian Bale lost 80 pounds. That's impressive because he went from Patrick Bateman, he was jacked and he had to lose it all. That is hard. Also, I think it's really hard

to gain a ton of weight in a fat sense, to be really, really fat because that'd be kind of fun while you were doing it, but also having your super shitty diet would make your mood a little bad and then also you're like, how do I get back to normal after this?

Yeah, if you spurlock yourself. Yeah, that would be hard. I would want to do that. Anyway, I have to piss. Can we end the podcast? If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, that email address for everything is ifireushow at gmail.com. Our website is ifireushow.com. We're going to try to put

this video on our YouTube channel, which is ifireushow YouTube, I don't know, Google it, and then also on our Facebook page, which is facebook.com slash jacadamere. Hopefully we'll have clips for the whole episode. We'll try to post it online sometime this week. Thank you for listening. The opening theme song

was from Justin Goncalves, and the closing one is George, and he did a hey-yop parody. Oh, hey-yop? Yeah, I love hey-yop. So here we go. Listen to this hey-yop parody, and we'll be back soon. Later, everybody, thanks for listening and or watching. You bit my dick off! With them, I don't know

Better break up with your girlfriend cause Jake wants to have sex right now than cover kind you of putting them together. Excuse you, how? Toadah Toadah Toadah

Toadah Toadah Ha!