If I Were You - 193: Game Boy

Episode Date: January 18, 2016

In this episode we discuss bacne, community college and Swing.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Leesa!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I tried to make plans with a girl that I know, now all I do is sit by the phone, that's no way to live, that's no way to live, I tried to figure things out all by myself, but now I'm looking for professional help, don't give in, don't kill yourself, even if it's just one of us, get the experts now, things got real, things got real, better tell Jake and Jamier so they can tell me what they're doing, they want me, don't give in, don't kill yourself, things got real, things got real That song won me over, I ended up loving it, I ended up hating it, that song changed my mind At the beginning with the palm mute, you know, I was just like, what's the palm mute?

That's where you got the guitar, you're not actually strumming the guitar, right? I don't know how it's actually created, but it's a punk move Yeah, the palm mute, you know that sound Why do all pop punk songs sound like that? Is that how they spoke? Is that how punk teens talk? Yeah, I mean it's a style, just like any, I was thinking as I was going that that sounded exactly like a, excuse me, because your song is amazing, but it sounded exactly like a shitty pop punk song that I made with my band in high school Excuse me, that song was really good, but excuse me when I say that song did sound like I shoved a

kazoo up my ass and farted for a minute and a half, that being said I did like your song I loved your song, that was what I was trying to create when I was in high school That's the gold standard of a pop punk song, the nasally voice, the palm mute, the crescendo the big, like letting the power chords ring at the end, it was perfect, it had it all That being said Things got real That's not his actual voice, I wonder, like his actual singing, he's an amazing tenor He's an opera singer, you know that

Actually they are, it's an alternative rock duo called the Mighty Adam and it's twin brothers from Massachusetts but they just wrote a pop punk cover because they heard that we liked it I do like pop punk covers Things got real That was a pop punk original, I wasn't even covered Yeah, yeah, that was a real one They covered their own song in a pop punk fashion Yeah, they had another song called Things Got Real that was more like indie rock

Things got real Yeah But then when Tom DeLong talks, is he like He ain't got rings, I think I can get one of them after you You've never heard him talk? He does sound like that Oh, he does He just broke his nose the day before every interview So that's just how he, that's not a singing voice, that's just how he actually, his real voice

All the small things Basically, even that is essentially talking, is that singing? Does that count as singing? Almost rap And I'm not saying I don't like it, Mr. DeLong Trust me, I love you I'd love to have you on the show God, wouldn't that be amazing

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake and happy birthday, buddy Well, not today that one we're recording, but today that one we're releasing But when it comes out, this is coming out on your birthday January 18th, MLK Day Wow, not too shabby He's honored to share a day with the Reverend

And likewise, he's honored to share the day with me Well, I think his actual birthday is today Oh, January 16th? January 15th, when we were recording this? I think it is And then they just celebrated as like the third Monday Right, you always get it off Yeah, yeah, he was born January 15th

Wow But he, they gave him a fucking, they gave him a swing holiday So he gets the Monday, whenever the Monday is But for me, I'm locked into the 18th like an asshole So I have to celebrate on Tuesday, Sunday, fucking Thursday First of all, you haven't done anything with your life worth noting Not yet Talking about you didn't die a martyr

No, not yet, not yet, you're right I mean There's still time Yeah, I guess that's something to aspire to There's still time There's still time Yeah, the big 4ix9ine for me You can't believe you're 49 by the way

I know, it's crazy You don't look a day over 40 Wow, thanks dude I'm actually turning 33 How does it feel? It feels exactly the same as 32 Yeah, does it feel like there will be another milestone? 40? 35? 35, I guess, because it's mid-30s, smack dab in the middle, you can run for president

40, unless I find my wife by then I'm gonna kill myself if I don't That makes a lot of sense Do you feel like a little bit of pressure to settle down a little bit? Yeah, a little bit more now, yeah, 33 Because at this age, I actually found out, I didn't find out But I realized I've done the math, two things One, I'm closer to 50 than 15

Wow Which is kind of neat Not really Two, on a personal level, my dad was 33 when he had me So I'm finally the age of my father You know, the one that was a doctor with three children that moved across the world at that age Yeah And I am

Well, he was 35 when he moved across the world Yeah You were two You still got time Still got time You are doing a bad time to long a pressure to a microphone in a house where you live with two male roommates Yeah, I also have two kids That's fair

I also have curry chicken salad on my chin And a cut in my mouth, the size of the grand fucking canyon That cut is so fucking gross Anyway, we thought this would be a fun special episode that we can do Things are a little bit different Do you want to explain the rules since you thought about it? I thought of a game today when I was at the gym A little game boy

That's right, I hit the gym hard I'm a little game boy Yeah And I go to the gym even on Friday nights I forget the game because I sprained my ankle on the way to the gym And I ended up going to a jack-in-the-box So we have, as you guys may know, we've got about 14 or 15,000 emails in our inbox Yeah

Do they know that? They don't know it now Alright, cool So it's a little tough for us to find questions We read as many emails as we possibly can We comb through them every single time we're recording Yeah But, you know, it's a little tough

So I thought for this episode, we'll play a game And what's the name of that game, Game Boy? The Game Boy Yo, I am the Game Boy And I have a game for you today And I have a game, Roy And I am the Game Boy And this game is called Word Search

Alright So I'm going to give you a word And you'll search it in the Gmail toolbar Alright You don't have an accent I don't need an accent I'm the Game Boy And it's almost like an accent

It's just a specific way of talking that the Game Boy has I'm the little Game Boy Okay So what is it? So I give you a word to search And then you will search that word And then you'll read me the email with that word And if there are more than one email with that word

It's scratching my brain It's just the voice of the Game Boy I know what I don't know why it is and what it is I found this sort of octave that's very frustrating to hear I believe Yeah Yeah I am the Game Boy

Oh God I don't want to play the game It's sort of like deep high at the same time And then you also yell I am the Game Boy So then you'll tell me how many emails there are Okay And if there's more than

I mean if there's a lot Then I'll just pick a number And that's the email that you're going to read Alright The best way to fully understand it Is to just immerse ourselves in it Yes So right off the bat

You want to go first Give me a word to search in our Gmail inbox Sure Back knee Back knee B-A-C-N-E B-A-C-N-E Holy shit

There's only one Is there really? Yeah That's how you win the game I am the Game Boy I've already won I created the rules And I won the game within nine seconds

Let's play a different game Alright This email comes from Back knee Oh The Game Boy The game No, I am the Game Boy

What about it? Who else do you share a birthday with? That's a fun one Oh yeah Did we do that once? Because I remember saying Kevin Costner Either way Kevin Costner Sure

So basically to make a long story short I got that acne shit going on my back and chest And I got it kind of bad I've had this issue for a long, long, long time And I've mostly been able to cover it up By just never having my shirt off And since my face isn't that bad And I am a decent, funny, endearingly awkward enough

To get by, uh, guy, girls Still show interest in me However, for the past few years I've only been in long-term relationships So I've had a lot of time to get to know And trust a girl before I revealed my secrets So by the time they knew they liked me enough As a person to not mind it

However, as me and my most recent girlfriend Just broke it off and I'm trying to move on with life And possibly explore some casual hookups I don't really want to get in another real relationship Before college I'm scared that the back knee will destroy all my chances In a one-off sexy time I'm scared the girl will just get grossed out

And turned off, and even worse Maybe tell her friends and spread it around I'm currently taking Amir's favorite medicine Accutane So hopefully it will be gone before college But even then, I'll have some scars and stuff Should I just never remove my shirt in a hookup ever Never pursue casual sex and accept my curse

Or something else? Help me! Kevin Costner Wow Uh, okay You never took Accutane No, I never had... I mean, I had zits on my face, but they weren't so bad You're right

I mean, they all feel bad when you're in high school It doesn't matter if you have like three Even now is it still feel bad But I never had to deal with like Being afraid to take off my shirt because of too many zits on my back This is on back, yeah You know, it's weird, like every relationship I've ever been in My girlfriend loves popping pimples on my back

Oh, that's great, that's a great situation to be in Yeah, so like, it would stand to reason That you like should take off your... Like that should attract people in a storm It's like a fucking crossword puzzle Like you open your shirt Let me solve it Pop, pop, pop

I want to date you forever This is the best Is there anything you can do? Like, because there's wash and creams And all that stuff for your face Accutane is a fucking nuclear bomb I actually never got to take it Because my skin was like

As bad as it gets without necessitating it Right, the worst kind, the middle area But as far as I know, my brother took it And basically just, it like kills 80 things And acne is one of them So it's like, yeah, you'll have yellow eyes Extremely dry skin, depression You won't be able to eat certain food

Shut up and give it to me Yeah, your fingernails will thin I don't care God, you'll feel really cold on your extremities I've already taken it How much was I supposed to have? Get the zits off my face You really do on a month

That being said Yeah Oh, not that acne is disgusting We're saying bacutane Yeah Which is a different drug that we should invent Or bring to Twinnovation Is an acutane that specifically targets your bac knee

I think if you get a girl that far It's kind of like having something around with your peepee Your diac Like if we're at the stage where she's taking off the shirt Yeah There's not really a lot that could happen That the shirt comes off And then that shuts everything down

Right Even if it's a little weird It's going to show up with you And then maybe Oh, man I don't want to say she won't do it again later Yeah But maybe that would happen

I definitely think you shouldn't bring it up Between the choices of bringing it up and not Because she might not notice it It might be dark Well, that's one very true thing about pimples Is that you notice them way more than anybody else Yeah And if you're hooking up with somebody

Chances are they're not seeing your back very much So as long as they're only on your chest And they're like, you're fine Yeah, bac knee is better I actually prefer not that I If I can choose no bac knee versus bac knee I would choose no bac knee But zits on my back are kind of fun

Because I can really go to town on them And they don't affect my appearance at all Right Like I'm always searching like if I can find one Oh, this is great Like I'm actually excited about finding one Oh yeah, I'll look for zits on my shoulders all the time Yeah, shoulder, back of the shoulder, up the neck

I've popped some zits on your On the middle of your back Ones that you can't get to Yeah, yeah, if there's stuff like right in the middle I've used a ruler So like Yeah, like I'll use a ruler Or I'll like press my spine against a chair

Whoa Yeah That's cool You think they can invent a straw To suck the zit dry Like you'll fix the one end Of it on the zit And then just

Suck that Suck that shit, Serge Yo, Serge Yo, Serge, man, pop this zit on my back, man Dude Dude, can you? Dude, would you just like to pause off my back, Serge? Oh, God

It's not What that character is He'd be into word searches, though Serge, can you help me find the word cherry, Serge? It should be easy because there are two hours, man Dude It can go backwards and upside down, dude So like

Let's just look for ours Always Serge is diagonal, dude Serge is backwards diagonal, man Look at this shit Serge, what other fucking rainy day activities do you like, dude? We can fucking trace our hands and make turkeys, Serge Serge, Serge, do you have an old Spirographs, dude?

Dude, we can do spin art, I swear, dude My brother has it, look Spirograph Dude, do you have a compass and a protractor, Serge? Let's fucking learn geometry, dude Let's measure angles and shit, Serge Do you have any TI-83 game, Serge? Serge, dude, let's play drug wars

My brother has a new tennis, kind of snake So, don't tell anything Yeah, this guy with the throbbing backsets is just like On the edge of his seat Yeah, yeah, yeah, Serge, whatever the fuck What do I do? Well, actually, this email was written over a year ago, so So he's dead

Yeah, this guy's back and he eventually swallowed him whole Is there anything to do? I wish I could give advice about diet or hygiene that could fix zits But it's just like, it's nothing to do with any of that stuff Yeah, I think it's genetic So you just might have skin that gets zits at any time I will say this much I think greasy skin, while bad as a youth

Makes you look younger later in life Like, I've gotten compliments on my skin as a 33-year-old Probably because I had such oily skin as a teenager And now, like, the younger, the drier skin you have is At a younger age, the more old you look as an older person A whole lot of good that does this guy Freshman, you're a college trying to take somebody home He's like, I'll look hot when I'm 33

Your back is gonna look so young, dude I think it's all about just, like, owning it Just don't even talk about it If somebody ever brings it up, which they won't You're just like, oh, yeah, do I? Yeah Whatever Remember the Jake and Amir video idea I had that we never shot

Which was you squeezing a zit on my back? My imagination had it shot from the POV of the zit So you're, like, squeezing the camera lens And then we throw, like, a fucking dab, a spoonful of vanilla yogurt No, you're screaming to pop it, you're like, ah! And then I fucking launch vanilla yogurt into your mouth How foul would that have been? You know how I would have played that if we actually got to shoot it?

The yogurt goes in my mouth And I think it'd have been really funny if I didn't play it super grossed out But I was just, like, it went in my eyes and my mouth And I was like, I got it! Did you pop it, dude? I think there's a little left I see a whitehead All right, next question

Yeah, you're beautiful, don't worry, it's gonna go away Yeah, you have the good kind of acne B acne Actually Factually Factually All right, back, I am the Game Boy All right

Now it's my turn Yes Uh... Seeds, S-E-E-D-S Well, well, well Would you venture a guess As to how many emails we have with the word seeds Are you including our auto replies?

I don't, ooh I'll tell you what, I am including a couple touch of modern emails Oh yeah, some spams But not a lot Let's say 18 47 Wow Yeah, so now

You have to give me, there's actually one in the two answer label Oh, so there's a chance that we've answered it? Oh no, that we haven't answered it yet Uh, yeah, it looks like we haven't But do you want to do that one or we can do All right, sorry, I'll just give you one through 47 What if I say one that's spam? Uh, I will read it

32, Magic John, actually 33 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in my current age Larry Bird too Okay, so Serious dude, I learned the alphabet backwards, man Watch this dude Z-Y-X, shit dude You fucked up

Give me an ant, man Give me an ant All right, this is a long one I guess that's the problem with the Game Boy's game, huh? No, I'm very happy to read this Here we go, this comes from somebody else that shares your birthday? Oh, Clark Gable, I believe Clark Gable writes

Hey guys, love the show Onto my question, there's this girl I've known for about 10 years now Since we were little kids and she's one of my best friends I'd suspected she had a crush on me for a while And last year, she finally admitted it I don't feel the same way about her But I respect and trust her and value our friendship And I told her that

Shortly afterwards, she said she was over me And we acted like nothing happened After a couple of weeks, we got over the awkwardness And our friendship seemed back to normal Still, some of the scenes Huh, just kidding Still, some of her words and actions have led me to believe that she is in fact still into me Things like telling me I'm admirable

Or that I'm really sweet That I'm into you Not mine That doesn't bother me But lately, conversations with her have felt awkward Like there's something unsaid between us For instance, seeds Nope, just kidding

This is a recent development It's never felt awkward before Even right after she told me she liked me But now that it's started, it seems to be getting worse Over text, it's fine But in person, there's a layer of unacknowledged awkwardness The funniest part of this is She's my boss' daughter

And often comes in to help him out or say hi So not seeing her in person And only communicating over text is not an option He doesn't know she likes me Or how close we are My other friend tells me I should just date this girl already But I don't want to for three reasons

I don't return her feelings So if I agreed to go out with her It wouldn't be out of genuine attraction And she deserves better than just a pity date I can't believe there's two more reasons Also, I graduated high school And I'm going away to university in a couple of months So now would be a really stupid time

To sow the seeds for a relationship Nice Anyway, and I know And I know she would want something more lasting And stable than just a summer fling Finally, I don't really want to be in a relationship Because I really like being single Should I just go on and act like nothing's wrong?

Should I talk to her about it? And if so, what should I say? Or do you think there's something else I should do? That's a major body image issues So even though she's fairly pretty How can I make her feel good about her appearance Without sounding flirty or like I'm into her? Oh my god

This guy's just bragging True He's like, yeah, this girl's so into me And it's so awkward Even after I told her I wasn't into it She just keeps fucking complimenting me And I just, I don't want to deal with it Because one, I like being single

And two, I don't want to be in a relationship And three, I'm going to college And four, I don't like her Also, she's got a body image issue Stop fucking around She's dragging this girl's name through the mud For no reason I also think it's on you a little bit

Man Because she said I liked you You said no, she's like, alright Let's go back to being friends And you're like, it's weird It takes two people To make something weird, right? No, I think one person can make it weird

That's true That is true But I think it's It takes two to make it normal That's true That's fair, man That's actually really fair, Serge Let's do fucking mash, dude

I have a fortune teller thing Choose a fucking color, dude Blue, BLU Oh, Serge, you live in a shack, man Sorry, dude Serge, let's play fucking mash, dude Stop, man Oh, I'm doing a spiral

One, two, three, four, five, six You're gonna have six kids, bro And a squirrel, dude So, what do you do? What you gonna do with that big fat butt? Wiggle with it You're not gonna just don't Say, sorry

You don't have to do anything with this girl What can you do? You don't want to be friends with her Cause it's awkward, fine, don't be friends with her You wanna just look past it And act cool, you can do that too Let's try to put ourselves there Have you ever been in a situation where A friend of yours tells you

They like you No Okay, I have Almost 100% of the time That That has happened I had sex with her And then

Then I didn't Wanna talk to them anymore Okay And then they ended up hating me For a time, for a spell Then we became friends Further on down the line So, what I would say

Is hook up with her a little bit Oh She would probably have fun You'll have a little fun Cause you're curious about it You don't have to jump into a relationship with her That would also fix her body image issues Maybe you guys just French and hook up a little bit

And then when it's time to go to college You're like, hey, I just don't want to be in a relationship When I'm in college And I love you What? I I don't know There's nothing wrong

I do like the idea of Frenching a little bit In high school And then you can French a little bit And all your friends are saying to date her And you I guess this is horrible advice Like, you don't like her, just hook up with her She's insecure about her body

Yeah, just hook up with her And then stop talking to her, man I don't actually advise that I change my mind I think you could keep on doing what you're doing You don't make it weird She is maybe hitting on you a little bit But you can encourage the friendship behavior

And things will eventually Normalize Or you can just French her Probably nothing horrible will happen if you French her Yeah Uh, you want to give me a word? Whispy Spell it

W-I-S-P-Y No messages have matched your search Whoa That's a loss The correct amount is one A vehicle Um Alright

There's 31 Most of them spam So Give me a number between 1 and 31 And I'll round to the nearest non-spam Alright, cool 18, did you also pick 18? No, you picked 33 18

It's actually starred, which means we liked it in August of 2014 That means the Game Boy has won again I picked to start an email You know what it sounds like a little bit Is Mark Zuckerberg When I invented the Facebook I was the Game Boy Everyone is connected

Everyone is completely connected on a web And that one thing Will change everything Moving on The other day Uh, Kristen Ledlow writes She does share your birthday Yeah, this is a guy though

Kalo The other day My cousin who is a lifeguard Was an awesome wingman and tried to set me up With a chick he was guarding with I ended up messaging her on Facebook Which resulted in my getting Of her number

Followed by setting up a date that was supposed to go down The next day at 5.30pm The day I had a few errands to run But I got home with enough time to make it on the date Until my dad Whose vehicle is currently out of commission Texts me For a ride

I text this girl that I won't be able to make it until A quarter to six And then I leave to grab my dad The problem arises when the drive takes much longer than expected And my phone dies So I can't even give a heads up to my date Finally I arrive at the venue At about 6.05pm

And she's nowhere to be seen I went into a nearby hotel To change, uh, to charge my phone And see a text that reads I'm going ahead home now, have a good day, man I tried calling, but she didn't pick up And then she sent a text, uh, Then sent a text explaining myself

She sent a message back saying That it's nothing, but seemed pretty sarcastic And based on the fact that she hasn't replied Uh, kind of confirms it What should I do? I do want to see here, and at the very least Our chemistry over text was very strong Not to mention she's very attractive

Any advice would be appreciated This is like a text jay question I accidentally stood someone up And like the weird, crazy, wacky excuse Was true Can you imagine how stressful that is Like sitting in traffic as your phone's dead Trying to get, oh god

I would like run, I don't know what I would do I would run to an outlet Like going into a hotel to charge your phone Like that 2 minutes when it's not turned on yet Yeah, just like constantly pressing The button and seeing the red battery dead Oh, Christ Uh, what's the text?

Super honest, long paragraph Listen, I know you don't owe me anything Uh, but this is, I just want to explain myself Because I'll feel like an idiot if I didn't Give it one last chance This email was written A year and a half ago, but maybe Uh, hopefully they're married by now

But if not, I hope so I'd love a follow up pup on this one, actually It would be fun if you never texted her If you texted her now, a year and a half later Being like, this has been eating me up alive for the last 18 months Yeah, and you, whatever the venue is I was meeting her at Starbucks and saying Honestly, I'm still waiting at Starbucks for you

Oh, that's good, and she's like I'm actually engaged now to someone else Congratulations, I'd love to come to the wedding I'll be there on time I'll be at fashionably early And then you show up 15 minutes late Um What can you, yeah, that's it

Super honest, super long All the cards out on the table Yeah, I've sent a couple texts like that Yeah, only you're like You didn't accidentally stand someone up No, but I've been like deep in the dog house Like from, you know, the get go Of like, you know

One day I did something really dumb Or something like that Like deep in the dog house And I've clawed my way out With the long, cause like, what's an apology? Like an apology is You need to debase yourself To the point where the person you're apologizing to

Feels compelled To lift you back up Wow So you say like I feel awful I'm sick to my stomach Yeah, I'm not the kind of person that ever does this And like, you know, I had to pick up my dad

But that's no excuse And it's definitely not excuse for not having a fully charged phone You deserve better than that I'm a nauseous little game boy I am a little game boy I am the game boy And like, you know, you just tear into yourself And then they say like, oh man

It's like that eight mile thing Where it's like, I'm gonna fucking rap about how bad I am And then tell these guys Something they don't know about me And she can't get mad because you're so self-aware Go up to the precipice Don't go over to the point where they're like You are, are you okay?

No, I'm fucking suicidal thinking about you You hate me this much, just one day buddy Yeah, you know, get to that Like self deprecating Yeah But still have a little bit of sense of humor And they say like, and I'd love to try one more

One more time, tell you what I'll start waiting at the restaurant now Oh, that's good And then you say, P.S. Have you listened to Serial? It's actually really dope It's about this guy Actually, this past week was a fucking cop out

They took a week off and then they posted an episode today Talking about how they're gonna go bi-weekly from now on Yeah, bi-weekly as in bi- You actually took two weeks off So bi-bi-weekly Huh? As in bi-bi to the podcast As in I won't be listening anymore To your little Bo Bergdahl story

Until you release another episode And then I'll fucking catch it At which point I will immediately Consume I do like the show I'm curious What's your favorite podcast, dude? Sir, dude, let's fucking listen to podcasts together

Do you use the native app, man? Or do you use like a feed on your browser, man? Dude, you gotta get Stitcher, dude I'm a serious search The top charts don't really help you Find new podcasts, dude It's actually pretty good to browse, I don't know Alright, let's take a break

Think a few more sponsors at most Two And then we'll be right back with more Of the Game Boy The Game Boy I am the Game Boy This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp

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This is actually business related So let's kind of stop joking here Cut the jokes We need We need data It behooves us to have some demographic data About our audience It helps our sales pitch

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But it really does help us Sell those Squarespace ads What you do, you put in your email And we send you a petri dish You spit in it, send it back to us And we can get some real fucking DNA data Could you come in the dish For us

Yeah you want to know the average And come on my listener fuck that I'll tell you the average sperm count I want to know your sperm count man Come on search How much sperm do you have dude What's your blood type man What have we done

I want to know your blood type dude I'm a fucking universal donor search I'm serious dude What else is going on in our lives You introduced a game that ruined my life Oh yeah Swing I was looking for an app

Actually a funny story There's another app that I had downloaded recently That's legitimately great It's the opposite of swing It's like a New York Times app But it's called Now This I used to just go on Facebook Looking for good news stories

But everybody just posts garbage to Facebook So now this just posts Like only New stories worth reading These are like the top things happening This is what you need to know And it's not necessarily just from the New York Times They pull it from everywhere

It's a little left leaning But then again so Left of center fuck I'm left of left of center So when I went in to search this It just shows you the trending Searches and swing was number one So curious as I am

I checked it out Downloaded the app and immediately I knew it was one of those dumb games Like Tiny Wings And Crossy Road That we got so into You think poker takes a minute to learn In a lifetime to master now

Swing takes four seconds to learn And what seems like over Eight hours to master It's the dumbest little game You can explain what it is You are a little boy And you start the game by running Backwards and then when you click the iPhone

He swings to the next little cliff And it just happens over and over And every cliff that you Accomplish is a number So he's always going backwards with the rope You tap it and he swings So you can control it if he taps a little bit of rope And that's a short distance

Or a long rope And these plateaus are of varying length Some of them are nice and wide A five to seven triangle Mesa Just a beautiful little plateau And some are skinny little bitches A little skinny bitch We're talking about one fucking square node

Back on the On the infinite expanse And you don't know joy You don't know orgasm Until you land a skinny bitch That hangs low and you swing low And you nail it square Swing low

And I wish this was a paid ad Because I'm selling The shit out of swing right now But unfortunately it's just a game We became obsessed with Jake's High Score 29 My High Score 51 And you saw me play the 51

My hands were trembling with joy As I beat Martin's 43 You died on a plateau That was not that hard But it was just like The sheer nerves and excitement I was like a basketball player At the end of a game seven

Up 20 I started just jumping For joy I couldn't see straight The saddest thing is that I'm still playing And I can't even come close to that All I want to do is break 30 And then I'll stop forever That's what I said about 40

And now that I'm at 50 I sniff 60 Have you been playing today? I played a little bit My eyes were bleary trying to break 50 I would play 80 games in a row You know what? Yeah

Snoot ain't got nothing on swing I'll tell you that much So play it, test it out, see what you get See if you can beat 50 Snap us your reaction video I'd like to see Snap us because you can't snap Your High Score really

But you know what? Why don't you snap your friends at us I'm JakeDemand85 And I'm AmirBloom And we accept snaps from All We're an open snap accepting family I don't always respond but I try to open all the ones I get

I don't always respond to my snaps But when I do I prefer Dos Equis Anyway I quit the podcast man From when? Starting from when? Surge dude let's fucking practice our cursive

Dude I swear dude I can't do capital J It's a F different than a T man It's the same shit dude Let's fucking practice our signature or play dots dude You have to Complete the square dude So like make a square and you can put an S for surge dude

Is that a Z-surge man? And you want to know my name My name is You can never be named Sorry dude I just choked on a gusher Surge Am I searching a word or are you searching a word? I'm searching you have to give me one

What was the final word? We'll call it the final word We can do two more I don't know Let's see how long this one lasts Oh what did I have? It was a two worder now I already forget it Yeah what was it? I told it to you 11 minutes ago

You did And now I already forget what I wanted to search Take your time It was God I should just say any other word But now I can't stop thinking about Yeah now you want to know

Alright I'm going to think of a different word There's no way it will ever come back to me It's gone forever isn't that sad It was pretty inconsequential Turquoise Spell that for me T-U-R Q-U-O-I-S-E

Turquoise Turquoise From the French turquoise Which means a blueish green I will tell you what First of all Guess how many emails 11

There are 11 Then I'm the new champion Because I guess But wait because I am still the Game Boy There is a second question How many of them are real? How many of them are real? Zero

Incorrect guess again Ooh One Yes So that's a double win You are the Game Boy In my right fold age So only one real

Non-spam turquoise based email The rest of them from something we should Definitely unsubscribe from The touch of modern newsletter They are just everywhere The touch of turquoise newsletter that we subscribe to This is really funny I think

No name necessary Okay So I decided that I would rather go to A peer university instead of community college To get that college experience Parentheses, raging hard Body shots, etc But since my parents won't be paying for it

I realized the only way to have success Without going into lifelong debt Was to join the military ROTC program Which obligates me to 4 years Of full time military service I guess I'm weighing the benefits Of doing cake stands with my frat bros Against the con of possibly dying

A painful death Besides dropping out Thanks I see He just has a fake name He gave it to himself It seems like ROTC is so intense That you gotta really want it

This guy is just like Should I get drunk or join ROTC Yeah ROTC is like army training during college But I think that's why a lot of people Join the ROTC is to get To go to college Yeah but this guy

If you're on the fence then you shouldn't do it Right I don't think I get really weary about Talking about whether or not You should join the military Right ROTC is

From what I understand It's like military and training Right All I know about ROTC is Going to college and occasionally seeing Like little army soldier training boys I guess he's talking about dying a painful death So it's something like that

Yeah It's like what we're picturing I think if he I do think the community college is a decent route You can go to community college For like two years And then transfer into Like go to community college

It's super cheap You can save money for two years And then do two years of partying For a year isn't that great Junior and senior year, those are the good ones I think I disagree I think freshman and sophomore year are the better years They're like your first two years

It's kind of like That's when you get the most college By your junior and senior year kind of sick of it You're checked out Yeah you're checked out You didn't last till junior senior year So you don't like now Well that's because I hated freshman and senior

So my theory of junior and senior year Anything has to be better than this This poison that I'm in But at the same time I don't want to advise him to go to school for two years Then drop out Yeah and I don't want to advise him not to go to Defend our country

Yeah So I guess maybe Pick a new word man What was the shit you couldn't think of Oh toaster oven I'll say God, alright what's the advice The answer is off because this email came to us in 2013

Okay This guy's on an airplane in Afghanistan right now Fuck dude Why didn't they fucking answer the question Are you ready to jump sir He's refreshing his email one last time I should have gone to SMC dude I should have gone to Pierce

Uh Was that guy wearing a parachute Whatever He wore the community college Equivalent of a parachute Uh So I would say Don't do ROTC

Uh Do community college next to A college Then you can still hang out with your friends that do go to the colleges Cause it's all about the parties You don't give a shit like it's not that important that you go to class Yeah But you want to make friends on the campus

I'm sort of with you Like didn't you like party at some schools It was almost like better than going to that school Yeah I went to UConn like every single weekend When I was at Southern Connecticut State University It was always kind of like nobody did anything during the week And then I'd get there on Friday and people would be like

Yeah Like it's exciting I was there and like we would drink Until Sunday and then I would go home And in theory the community college Would have easier classes in the real college So you can get the joy of the community The college lifestyle without The harder coursework

Yeah if you could live near a college If your friends are in college maybe you could also Like take classes in the college For cheap I don't know how that should work Although now that I think about it maybe community classes Are harder because it's like people actually Busting their ass to try to get into The universities and when you're in the university

People have less incentive to work as hard Interesting Living on mommy and daddy's money No ROTC community college near a campus In terms of hardness We don't really know the difference between College and community college Community armies up there

Yeah that seems like harder than the other two combined That was real difficult Alright do you want to give me one last Word? Yeah sure just real quick I want this guy to look into state schools Cause don't you like Those are cheaper tuitions right Yeah sure why not

Look into it Public schools are cheaper Oh that's what it is Do you have a word for me dude Oh yes bongos Bongos Uh One is a theme song submission

Uh And three are Non Okay So you want one two or three I want four Okay That's insane

Alright three Three From Um this came up last time It was my birthday I said Muhammad Ali but I was wrong Um January 18th birthdays

Um Oh yeah Jason Segal This is so fucked up I'm not on this Celebrity birthday list Oh man do it with it after the show No What the fuck is this shit

Who are these people Oh Marc Messier He barely won a Stanley cup Man you are so small Julia's peppers You're a tiny little doll on the couch Alright

Uh who did I say Marc Messier Oh yeah Marc Messier Jason Segal Uh Hey chomps love the show that being said Another sticky sitch for Amir and the pinch However first things first

Hashtag not dope for never answering any of my questions Before but I'm willing to forgive And forget if I could please get some advice This time around here's the deal I am a 22 year old male in middle school For my first girlfriend's Sorry in middle school My first girlfriend's name was Laura

We dated for a little bit It was an immature relationship and she ended up dumping Me for some football dude We ended up going to the same high school together During our sophomore year and tried dating again This time around I ended up dumping her Because I was an idiot and I just found out That some other girls liked me

And I wanted to do a little bit of exploring Just FYI I lost my virginity To a crazy bee my senior year But that's a story for another day Anyway fast forward to my 21st Year of life Laura and I are best friends We each have had many other romantic Partners and she is currently in a relationship

With a dude named Julio Julio like Super super hates me because of my Flawless rapport with my dear friend Laura And how we often Convide in each other and share intimate hugs And what not Here's where it gets tricky

So one day me and Laura were hanging out in my new apartment And bingo bingo bongo Alright We had a four hour sex Fest that could have easily been A pornographic film at the very least A porno mag Let's just say sparks fucking flew

I've always thought to myself that if she ever didn't have A boyfriend I would try to pursue her again Because I love her more than just a friend And she has told me the same thing on many occasions Since that wild night We have had similar sex capades about four times And I don't know what to do I mean she is in a committed relationship

And behind his back I have been going Hanson show all over her Is it my fault? What should I do? I want to stop sometimes But the sex is absolutely amazing And feels even more amazing The heads are tails of it Perhaps I am just a speed bump in her life

With Julio and I should seize my own cheese On some other girls double D's Yes she has a slim and busty goddess I just don't know what I should say Or do or anything All I know is that when we're together it feels so right Even though what we are doing is clearly wrong She wants answer to call from her boyfriend

While I was pounding her And started a fight with him And hung up just so we could finish It was so fucking naughty Please help Also if you have any questions just feel free To call me at and then his phone number If you did it while recording that would be super cool

And your listeners would probably dig it Anyway have a good day I would call him and wake him up In the middle of the night That question is amazing I am so happy we found it Julio is kind of weird about us Because we share talks

And hug Also we ended up having sex A lot Sounds like why were you soft selling You buried the lead She's in a committed relationship with Julio She's not She's in a relationship

With him Sounds very non-committal She's not committed to him very much at all Also did you search Bongo And not Bongo's I searched Bongo's but I guess Gmail does Clutch matches That's great

This question is amazing You You both love each other You both love fucking each other She is fighting with her boyfriend And she's actively cheating on her boyfriend And You want to stop because you know it's wrong

But you also don't want to stop because it's so great So just tell her That you Need for her to break up with her boyfriend Yeah or you say listen I'd love to keep this going But unfortunately If you're with your boy but then maybe It'll become less exciting

Like there's a chance that Like once it's non-elicit It'll just be like oh well no it's all been Building to this like this is The crescendo this is the ultimatum This is you can't have me and Julio Both anymore I choose Julio

Well fuck But Julio's so paranoid you saw the look He gave us when I was pounding away at you When you picked up the phone He had an accidental FaceTime call by the way And this guy was like really he's out to get me I just can't get Julio He doesn't trust us at all

Like just because I'm hogging her And talk and fuck a lot I can't stress How many sex could be there We share intimate hugs and also I fucked her For four hours That's the most intimate hug of all Yeah sex

When her vagina is hugging your D So you say Ultimatum or just say I say I love doing this It feels amazing Well you know I don't say it like that But like I love fucking you

But we can't keep doing it Not while you have a boyfriend And you can make her choose Me or Julio You don't have to be like that You must choose me or him But you say like I'm not doing this anymore While you have a boyfriend

I was gonna say me or Julio down by the schoolyard Me or Julio down by the schoolyard Down by the schoolyard Yeah I choose Julio then Makes sense Mama pajama rolled out of bed That's him walking out of her life forever And here's to you Mrs. Robinson

Alright that was it That was the word game Brought to you by Gameboy I am the Gameboy The Game Master If you have your own questions You can accidentally search one specific phrase And then a number of one through forty one

That email address is if I were you Show at gmail.com We're also still accepting Theme song submissions Every single episode of ours is opened and closed With an original theme song Written by our talented, talented fans Oh I wanted to mention

That we put up three videos Last week Of 360 degree video camera So if you're on our facebook page Facebook.com Or our youtube page Youtube.com If I were you show

You can basically View us answering some questions From any angle in the room It recorded all 360 degrees of the room All at once So check To check that out Thanks to the mighty Adam

For writing the opening theme song And thanks to Felicity Hozier Parody Why do we open with the Hozier I guess I don't know We can close with it It'll be the last thing people hear Thanks for listening

And we'll be back next week everybody Peace Music Music Music Music Music Music

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