If I Were You - 194: Get At It (w/ iJustine!)

Episode Date: January 22, 2016

Internet star and new friend Justine Ezarik joins us to discuss tattoos, calling dibs, and DJ Dogs.This bonus Thursday episode is brought to you by Ring.com and BlueApron.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. It's just a friend's hanging out Trying to help you with your problems Check the bear, mirror the sphere Telling you to seize the cheese Scores Why were you the show? Why were you the show?

I flew a kite this weekend Hashtag dope What did you think about that? That was really good What is the last thing he said? I what this weekend? I flew a kite Who does that anymore?

Not enough people, that's the answer Really quickly, Justine Hello How do you say your last name? Ezerik Justine Ezerik I just wanted to say real quick One, to introduce you to

That song was written for us In September of 2013 And I just found it yesterday September of 2013, where were you? Two and a half years ago We were still living in New York Wow I was just getting back from Burning Man

I bet No, it was right when we got back from London Remember when you had a scooter? That? Oh, 2013? When did I go to Burning Man? 14? See, that's how much time it's passed That's what Burning Man does to you, man That was when I was on this

Well, past September I was off the scooter Right So that was that same summer Sorry, this is so boring No, this is great I have no idea where I was So I can't even participate I have no idea where Jake was

You're a guest in my home No, I was on the scooter Wait, I was at Burning Man It makes no sense But that was the summer Burning Man was the summer of the scooter Oh, was it? Yeah

You remember the summer of the scooter, Justine? Well, I've been participating in the fall of the hoverboard So, you know That's the same thing It's actually way less Actually, no, they're probably equally lame, maybe Have you ever ridden a hoverboard? Whoa, she's pro at it

I love the hoverboards I made fun of people I was like, I don't like you Judging people is not a nice thing So I was actually judging people Thinking the hoverboard was stupid They are stupid for getting on them And then I got on one

And now I'm stupid Do you ride one? I'm in my house But do you ever, like, go down the street in one? No, my sister did twice And she fell And she basically, her entire body was so bruised I was like, cool

But see, like, I'm not saying they're not fun They're not cool, though, right? I don't know, the people that I see on them are kind of cool I guess that's kind of true They're like cool people I don't want to leave the house Yeah Then again, at the same time, when I walk past someone that's riding it

They never look me in the eyes They're always staring down in kind of shape They're always on their phones Yeah, they're just like, this is whatever This is fucking cool I was so excited to... We were at some house where they had a hoverboard Yeah

I was like, oh, I want to go on it And I, like, put one foot on it And I felt so unsteady I was like, you know what? Now's not the time No, it takes some time It's not hard once you get used to it And if you've ever used, like, a segue before

I haven't Oh, wow What about a skateboard? Is it easier or harder than a skateboard? I think the learning curve is... It's easier for the hoverboard Easier than a hoverboard Yeah, it's a little more difficult

Cool All right, fine, I'll get one Okay, fine That would be a cool office purchase, actually They are catching on fire Yeah So you need to be careful It just seems so dangerous

Like, someone will get hurt You'll just ride it until you hurt Ride or die Skate or die Yeah Can you tell them 33 That I'm just, like, being an adult about hoverboards? Like, you'll just get hurt

What's the point? You will And then you're going to get one And be like, well, it's worth it Have you fallen off one? Yeah, I have Awesome Not as hard as my sister

Twice, hit her head both times Oh, head? That's dangerous It's bad Was she wearing a helmet? No, of course not Oh, God Fell on the street?

Yeah Yeah, she's still alive She actually has a vine of it And it's, like, the best thing ever Because she was filming a video Oh, my God As she fell, the camera stopped recording So it's really unfortunate

That's, like, a great just search on Vine, right? It's good I'll show it to you after Okay, cool So, Justine How are you what you are? What have you done? And why do people know you?

Perhaps You're kind of a big deal And in case somebody's listening They're like, I don't know about this Justine character What's, like, the elevator pitch as to who you are? Oh, geez And why you are? You know, sometimes I'm not sure about myself either

But, you know, I mean, I started doing The whole internet thing super early So, I mean, I go back to the days of Do you guys remember Campus Hook? Yeah, that was a college humor Social network I know So I go all the way back to, like, I remember

That was, like, the first sort of social network That I kind of joined Because my college didn't have Facebook Wow So I couldn't do anything So I was joining, like, pretty much every social network Making videos, making my own websites Coding everything, you know, back in, like, sixth grade

I think Wow, shit It was a really long time ago Yeah So, I mean College humor was really early But I feel like you predated even The college humor original videos

It was a long time ago You were doing stuff in, like, 04, right? I think, I mean, I started posting in, like, 05 Officially Do you remember? Do you remember what I was saying? Yeah Yeah

I mean, it was, like, everything Wait, so the name iJustine Were you, like, the first person to do that? Did you predate the iPod? I think it was when the iPod came out So that was, like, your play Was that, like, your play on the iPod? Like, was that you...

What I'm trying to say is, like, now there's iCarly And iRobot And iEverything And, like... Just want to say, I registered my doname Ijustine.com in 2002 Carly was 2005 And I'm pretty sure they've already admitted to

That's insane Yeah, you were, like, the original, one of the original One of the first, like, vloggers of sorts Yeah, I mean, I wasn't sure why I was doing it But it was fun And I really started doing it Because I went to school for production and editing So I wanted to teach myself to edit

A little bit better And then people started watching the videos That I was posting So they were sort of, like, demo reels So I could get, like, production jobs Wow And it was just very strange And then you became, like, the talent

Yeah, because nobody would want to be in my videos But now it's really funny Because everyone wants to be in the videos Well, now you're, like, this huge, quote-unquote YouTube star True? I guess Millions of followers, subscribers

You're screaming I don't know You're I'm screaming No, I was just saying, I didn't think I was But I don't know what you want to, like, identify as You know, I'm not sure either You know, I make fun videos

And I love what I'm doing And somehow it's a job Yeah, and you're still doing it? Yeah, still doing it Still making videos Yep Still releasing it yourself Yep

Editing yourself Yep Oh, man Yep, I don't That's why I said I don't leave my house It took me forever to get here I was like, sorry, I don't get out much Yeah, you hoverboarded here from Santa Monica

It probably would have been quicker I don't know But she's pretty much at my house all the time So we basically live together You might as well live with your sister Might as well So if you don't know about this podcast It's an advice show

Basically the only advice show on the internet That Jake and I host Okay And it's called If I Were You And it's just Jake and I giving advice As we would if people need it And then sometimes it's just me and Jake And sometimes we have guests

And today we have you This is great Very exciting Are you willing to lend some of your wisdom? Oh, yeah, I've got tons of it Okay, this is perfect This is gonna be great So the way it works is

We comb through these questions That are emailed to us E-mailed? E-mailed E-mailed E-mailed questions Electromail Some of these came over telegraph

Okay E-mailed is 33 And we're gonna give these real e-mails Some real people fake names Just to preserve their anonymity And I was wondering if you can Give a fake name to this guy Who wrote us an e-mail

Not three days ago Do we get to read the e-mail first And then give him a name? Oh, we've never done that But maybe we could Okay, okay, alright This is good Alright

So somebody wrote This is a really short one too Good, that sounds good If a girl doesn't like my Instagram photos Is that a pretty good sign That she's not into me That's the entire question Who wrote that?

He sounds like a bob Okay He sounds very insecure Yeah But that's okay Because usually if she doesn't like your Instagram posts It's probably because that's a plan Oh

Yeah, because she knows That you're gonna get the notification And then he's gonna be like Oh, she's thinking about me So she's only gonna do it strategically Right, oh, I see Very strategic likes So do you remember poking on Facebook

Talking about early internet We're all in the 05-08 internet phase You can still poke Really? It's like hidden somewhere I got a notification It was like, someone poked you I'm poked

I'll still poke with the poke Do you remember the GIFs? I sent some pokes a little bit What are the GIFs? You need to give the actual GIFs Oh, yeah, GIFs You have to purchase them Yeah

That would be the most insane thing in the world You'd like buy an icon To send a buy an emoji I bought so many for people Like it was disgusting It's kind of fun Because it's like A silly way to spend $5

And then it's like Oh, now I'm able to give you a smiley face It's incredible Then we'll be men Anyway What was Bob? Bob said If a girl doesn't like your Instagram posts

Does that mean she's not into you? No, she might be So have you ever had a crush on a guy And purposefully not liked any of his Instagram photos? Oh, yeah, for sure None of them, though? No, not I'm sure

Some strategic one Strategic He's saying none of them I don't believe it You might have missed the notifications No Well, she hasn't liked any of those Instagram photos Maybe she's not

Is that a telltale song? I think that's the answer, though If she's liking a couple Then she probably does like you And if she's liking none Then she really doesn't like you This question is so funny Because you want to be like

Oh, come on, you're making a big deal out of nothing But then the answer is like Yeah, if she likes none of your posts She probably doesn't like you But I get likes from girls That don't necessarily have a crush on me So likes can either mean nothing or something But not liking can only mean nothing

No, likes are... I think likes on Instagram are always a little wink They're a little wink I'm getting them from friends I'm getting them from friends But they're a little like... You're cute I think we need more information, first of all

This is all we got Does he have his Instagram? Bob, I'm sure does have it But I can't access it Well, you probably search his email You should search and see if they're likeable Yeah, you could search for him Oh, you want me to search?

We need more information Wait, like what kind of photos he has How often he... Let's see him And how many likes he gets on each of them This guy who wrote this email is like mortified right now Don't do that Bob

Great guy Here's a reverse question What if she's liking all of the photos? Then does she like them? Or is that like... That's so platonic That's a little standoffish Give a fuck, I'll just like everything

Yeah, that's a lot You might need to reassess if you like this girl Well, when I like a girl, I like every single photo Oh, maybe that's a guy thing? That might be a deep thing I think a girl will like very good This account is private I recognize that has no...

There's like no game associated with it at all What? This account is private Nice I'm so upset How many posters do you have though? Uh... Uh...

Three... Oh, just 20 Oh, okay, you know what? This... It's not like his Instagram might just be bad This is not working out There's also a chance that he has bad photos Also the question is does she follow him?

Because if she doesn't follow him and doesn't like Then that's fine But what if she follows and doesn't like? Oh, you know what though? Sometimes He only has 20 pictures Here's a barrier for me anyway If I'm looking through Instagram

There's a picture posted by a girl that I like And I want to like it But I see there's only like two other people that have liked it So if it's like the amount that my name Will be right under the photo As people are scrolling I'll wait until it's like Oh, this photo's got 22 likes

Then I'll like it That's also good to do it Because I know only the person who posted will find out Wow Sometimes I also get a notification This girl liked your photo And it's like from last November I'm like, oh, this girl's digging deep

You've got to be so careful That means more than someone that just likes a photo That just came out Yeah Do girls play this game? Or is it just a guy thing? Oh, no, I think everybody does So when you like a boy

Or you're like, ooh, I'm going to like this photo Or I'm going to follow him Or I'm going to wait Or I hope he likes mine It's a little of both I mean, I think you have to be strategic about it Or you can just be up front And be like, hey, I like you

Yeah, but up front That's never, oh, it's so scary No, it's not I remember it was over the holidays I was showing my mom Like one of my friend's Instagrams And she was scrolling through Trying to enlarge the photo

I was like, mom, no Yes, double click I was like, this is from last year Stop it And like my sister swipes the phone out of her hand And then I like go to dive to grab it In case an accident like I think I might have told this story on the podcast

But a friend of mine Like that happened the exact same thing But it was like 79 weeks back A picture of a guy and his ex-girlfriend That this girl was using to show Like showing her dad the picture of the guy that she liked Oh, my God And he liked it

You have a million followers on Instagram I think that's noteworthy Okay That's a lot of followers You're making everybody feel a little weird All right, since you sat down All you're talking about is There are millions of followers on YouTube

There are millions of followers We're just three dudes Dang it in a room right now Here's a question If a guy likes your photo How can you tell it's one of the 24,000? I need to be following that person Because then I'll get the notification

So if I'm not following them Then it might be meaningless I got the exact same thing I also have like a million Instagram followers You don't know off the top of my head I mean, I could check If it's a million I think you would know if it was a million

I know I should, it's funny I don't need to track that kind of thing But even if you don't keep track You probably just got to a million Because it just said one million That must have been a mile marker Like when it happened, right? Like a million

You were like, oh dope And then you didn't have to think about it So Jake, you have 37,000 37 million? No, 37,000 I thought you said a million No, of course not 37 million That's good though

Yeah, no, that's good Thanks everybody Nah, yeah, that's a million So really, with the spoils down to Bob I don't think she likes you Or you need to post more Instagrams Yeah, you can't He's fishing without any lure

He needs food He's not posting any photos He's wondering why this girl's not like Yeah, he needs to post it like prime time Like on her lunch break When she's on there Interesting, how often do you post? Like once a day

That's pretty good Or twice That's where you're good From doing something fun Have you gotten it to Snapchat? I do like Snapchat So I started Snapchatting And my Instagram just died out

Like I find it hard to like Do both at this point Yeah, I think it's one of those things You just sort of have to actually enjoy doing Like I was gotten to Vine for a while And then I was like, okay, over that So I just I don't really know

Yeah, of the like Since you've been around For almost, I guess Even longer than Jake and I have Like you've seen it all You've seen like the rise and fall Of so many social medias Yeah, have there been ones where you're like

Oh, shit, I should get into this one Because everybody's like You're like early adopting all of them At least, right? Yeah, I mean for Instagram I think I was the 103rd person to join So that's like so long ago That's amazing

I don't know And then at the time There was also Another website called Daily Booth Oh, I remember doing it Yeah, oh man God, I was obsessed with Daily Booth Because I love sort of like the photo responses

But the problem with Daily Booth Is it didn't have an app So they both came out around the same time Oh, shit So I feel like if Daily Booth had an app It could have been Instagram Yeah So, you know

You're like a You're an internet historian It's kind of interesting Because you have such a specific memory Because you were so like Prevalent and big so early on Starting like 2003 What other like social media stuffs do you remember

Besides Campus Hook and Daily Booth Oh my gosh Of course MySpace Back in the day I used MySpace They used to call me the iPod Girl Because I didn't have a job I was still like

Living at home And I found this site Where you could do like affiliate links Where people sign up And then you get free things Oh, this was great I had like five iPods Oh my god

So I would like have all my MySpace photos Like all these pictures With me and my iPods And be like, you can get one too And refer like 25 people To sign up with their credit cards Oh my god I was obsessed

You really were Wow You know how to play the game Yeah Those free iPods Of the ones that are big now Which ones are you still like using I mean Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat

There's a new one that came out recently Called Peach I just heard about this last week That's what Sam told us about What's Peach? I don't know Do you play swing? I think it's about like the same guys

That did like Vine So it's sort of that crew But it's kind of cool It's sort of like a Facebook, Twitter type Feed thing But it's sort of a more closed network Right now So it's kind of like just your friends

Oh I see As opposed to like following like public figures And stuff like that So it's kind of neat It's still really early Will you follow me on Peach? I'm actually converting from plum I've had a plum account

What's your peach? Peachy fuzz 44 Peach boy A little peach boy Oh yep Cool Well I'm glad we got to ask that You got to answer that question

Yeah So the answer is probably not right He needs I don't know He has to do a little digging Post some more Oh I'm sorry If you only have 20 photos

Like did you just join like this week Or what's that? I'm not sure I looked over at Instagram Bullying him I mean at this point Like what are you doing? 20 photos

Get out Shit or get off the pot Private account Only allowed 20 people to follow me Oh Bob Alright Bob Here's another question from a lady Oh hello

Should we read the question again first? Of course yes Alright Hey guys Here's the problem Back when I was a high school senior Three years ago I called dibs on this freshman

That I knew was going to get Really hot when he was older Let's call him Mark So I began planting the seed And flirting with him And texting him Anyway I graduated And totally forgot about him

Now Three years later My younger brother is on a sports team With Mark So when I went to one of his tournaments I saw him And I was right The guy got super tall

And super hot He's still single So of course I'm trying to replant the seed And get at him Here's the issue My younger brother is not happy about it He thinks it's weird

I'm trying to get at Someone his age 18 And he thinks it's embarrassing But what my younger brother Doesn't understand Is that I began settling This thing three years ago

I'm supposed to just stop Trying to get at Mark When he's finally all grown up My brother's biggest issue Is that someone on his team Is that he's That it's someone on his team That he has to interact with

On the daily Am I supposed to respect My brother's wishes Even though I called Dibs On him three years ago And I have a really good eye They're not even friends They're just teammates

What's their problem Should I keep on Keeping on Thanks guys Love Jill Perfect It's perfect

Mark and Jill Bob and Jill Yeah Mark Mark's this guy's name Does this ring true to you As a lady at all? So wait What are the ages do we think?

She was 18 When he was 15 Right Now he's 18 She's 21 21 or 22 Do you have a younger brother? I don't

I have two younger sisters though Okay So I definitely have dated Someone my sister's age Yeah And have you ever like Hooked me up with one of your friends? No

No Not really I'm not really sure how to answer this But I mean If she wants to go out to the club Or go to the bar Your child boyfriend Oh

So you're more concerned about The age difference being Under 21 But I don't think she's trying to Like All she wants to do is Get at Mark Yeah

It's three times Get at it I think she's just trying to hook up I think she's just trying to like Okay Alright Just like one done thing Then go for it

Don't play your brother Get at it Oh you're saying it's okay Your brother can't What the What's the female Addition of Cock block

It probably is cock block Isn't it vagbladge? Well it's still blocking From getting a cock But it's like You're not blocking my cock You're blocking my vagina Yeah but he's blocking a cock

From her Pussy footing I would still say it's cock block Yeah I'm not sure of What the phrase That we want to use About the blockage

But sure it's not pussy footing Right Brother blocking That's pretty good I'm not sure A bro blow Mmm I think that means something else

Which is a different question We have Coming later So you're saying A brother can't say no I mean If she wants to get at it I don't think she's gonna have

Would your sister ever tell you no To a boy Or has she ever Mmm Yeah She's like he's an idiot Right You're right

See that's the difference That's like an opinion you respect Yeah This guy's not like Oh no this dude's a jerk He's not right for you He's like no You can't hook up with her

It's gonna suck I mean that whole That's gonna be all around the school I mean basically she's gonna look I don't know I'm not sure what kind of One thing that she might want to consider It sounds like she doesn't need to

But like It'll probably be Pretty annoying for her brother To like have to deal with that In the locker room Like oh I fucked your sister Yeah I fucked your sister

Yeah And I'm not saying she has to care about that I just want her to be aware That that's one of the consequences I remember when my sisters Were all seniors Two or three years after I graduated And I used to want to hook up

With their friends sometimes And they would be like No you can't And most of the time I didn't But sometimes I did And we just didn't tell them Oh so that's a secret So that's true

It could be a secret It's also this guy There seems to be two kinds of sisters I don't have a sister You guys have many So maybe And like tell me if I'm wrong But the one way is like

That's fucking my sister That's gross You can't do that And then the other kind is Yeah I want my sister to have sex With as many people as possible Because that's good for them And they want to help them out

So is that like a phase That you grow in and out of Or is that the kind of person you are Someone who's like saying No you can't have sex with my sister Or to please have sex with my sister I think this is a guy thing I mean that's me and my sisters

Never really had that conversation It's definitely a protective Like when I was in high school I didn't want anybody To have sex with my sisters And now that I'm older I don't necessarily want everybody To have sex with my sisters

But I want them to have fulfilling Happy lives And I understand that part of that Is having meaningful sex Or not meaningful sex But just the kind of sex that they want I don't know I just hope they're doing

Whatever they want Were you protective with your older sister As well as your younger Or was it a younger sister thing No I mean I would try to be protective Of my older sister But it was hard to be intimidating To the guys that my older sister

Would hang out with Because I was a scared man But like my Like you had an 18 year old walking up To a 30 year old Right Like get away from her When the triplets would come home

With guys I could just like Be in the room and be like You know I would be like an asshole But when my older sister would come Around with boys I would be like You want to toss the football around dude I would be like a little dick

And I would like hide But then when like that guy left I would like do things to To ride him I would like do little dickling things Try to eat away at his reputation Yeah spritz clorox on his sandwiches And little things like that

That sounds nice Yeah They poisoned him like putin So you're saying go for it I mean I think our best bet is Wait till we graduate high school first Cause that's just weird You're talking about the age thing again

It's still yeah I mean Look no issues with age But I feel like when you're 18 And at high school and you're in college That's the difference Then it's a little strange But if you just want to get at it Then just get at it and don't tell anybody

That's what I'm saying Get at it and don't tell anybody Don't tweet it It's all like it's legal So that's fine Yeah I'll say get at it And don't tell anybody

That way you can have your cake And eat it too Yeah Otherwise you just have cake Plus it'll be hot This girl called it three years ago It'd be a shame for her not to sell high After buying so low

I think she really just wanted to sort of brag about Like having a good eye Yeah She called it It's funny cause that's like I guess I didn't even think about it When she's like How insanely creepy would it be

If we saw a 15 year old And I was like dibs Yeah I'm telling you right now In three years But when it's a girl doing it to a guy It's a little less creepy I guess a little bit

But it is Ultimately I wouldn't be as proud of it as she is No I don't think she should She should tell people about this email Yeah Jill

When I was 18 And he was 15 I called that he was going to be a sexy ass dude And I was right Do you have an age limit? Do you inquire at care? I mean 18 might be a little young

But I mean Yeah Right But for you Do you like And you like video games And you're kind And you don't mind

But sometimes I want to sit in my house And do nothing Then yeah It's great What if I love video games But I'm not kind Does having one

Like a lot of one Of the requirements Makes it a slider It depends on what console Oh wow Interesting I love GameCube Oh my god

I used to love GameCube Crazy taxi Crazy taxi I was failed out of college Because of the Mario Kart GameCube Wow The cube Yeah that's great

I remember when games used to come on CDs Although those were like mini CDs Yeah Now games don't even come on a CD right? Yeah it's always like Wireless data Well they still have them on CDs Which actually

Especially for like Xbox Because it takes forever to install It's better to even get the CD Because it takes so long to download Yeah like five terabytes of shit Over wifi Like okay cool this is great Yeah I remember getting a game recently

Like I don't even It's been two and a half hours I don't think I've played it yet Is this the game or a movie? It takes so long Can we play Tetris yet? Cool let's take it Jill get at it

Yeah Jill Get at it Don't tell Let's take a break to thank one of our sponsors You don't have to do anything Justine Okay cool I'll take a drink of my water Yeah take a drink of your water And then we'll be back with more questions

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Squarespace Hey You were back with Justine Hmm Izarek Izarek Yeah, that's good Izarek

Izarek What kind of last name is that? Oh, shoot It's something Oh, fuck I asked the hard-hitting questions After the break No, I've got it in my notepad somewhere

Yeah, it's fine I'll look it up for you I'll just say Polish It actually, yeah It's over there All right Cool Love it

You're still making videos for the internet Yep Still hustling You're still the same DRE, right? But have been low-key Hated on by most Gs What are you working on nowadays? Well, you know, still doing the YouTube stuff

I did a book tour And everything last year You wrote a book? I did Yeah, it was really kind of crazy Did you write all the words in it? I wrote most of the words Okay, is it a picture book

Or is it all a chapter book? It's actually a picture book There are some pictures She wrote the words in the picture I just want to know if it's sort of like a cooking book Or something Is it a cooking book? Is it, yeah

What's the length of the book? It was kind of telling sort of my internet story But it was also kind of weird Because when I wrote it I don't remember anything about What do you mean? That's why I started tweeting And making videos and blogging

Because I can't remember anything You're like the girl from Momento Yeah, so I'm going back And I laid out all of my tweets from 2006 And I'm going back And trying to take pictures from Flickr And try to find websites Flickr, that's another great one

From back in the day Yeah, I remember Flickr Trying to piece together my life And figure out how the hell did I get here So it's kind of an autobiography? Yeah, but it still follows along With the, where people can kind of Trace back to where they were

At that time in their life, too Cool I didn't know Twitter was around in 2006 Yeah, I remember back in the day You had to like texture tweets in And I was so confused 40404 Yeah

Well, that's the reason that Twitter Had that text limit Because it was supposed to be Only text message based Right So 140 characters Was enough for the text And your username

Holy shish kebabs Wow, see, I should read your book So what are you doing now that the book is done? Oh, so I actually got a puppy recently Oh, congrats Thank you That's a big deal The hardest thing that I've ever done in my life

Yeah I'm thinking about getting a dog, actually Okay, cool So do you plan on leaving the house For three months or doing anything? All the time I love traveling Next question

Why I'm never home I also hate dog food Oh, my God No, it was like the craziest thing ever But I did this project where I was, you know, promoting, like, pet adoption And I told them I was like, there's no way I can get a dog And then I saw this dog

And I fell in love Oh, my God Naming him after my sister's boyfriend What? Are they still going out? Yes, that's very strange Oh, my God, what if they break up? Oh, God, well, then we've got

We've got Matt and Matt What kind of dog is it? So we did a DNA test It is a We thought it was a Poodle Maltese But it's a Poodle Chihuahua Lassa Appso If that's how you pronounce it

I don't want to see pictures so bad We'll do that to the podcast We will I'm talking about getting a Poodle myself, actually You should Oh, you're so sweet and so smart Okay, all right This is getting really nervous

I really want to get a dog We're going to talk We will We'll talk after But my dog is a DJ Excuse me He's actually working on an album Sorry, excuse me, what?

A DJ album Right Of course I'll have him Spotify and iTunes and everywhere What does he do? What does he do? Does he spit fire? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

You should hear him He's great So he can flow Who does his beats? Who produces his tracks? I've actually been working With a bunch of different artists And you know, like my goal is really

To get like Skrillex or Diplo or Zed Or something to collaborate with him But I need to show that He's a worthy enough producer himself So we're working on that But what would be really fun Is because he has a rescue So I want to do like a tour

Where we go to different cities And then people And different shelters Can bring their dogs to the tour So people can adopt at like the shows And then like a portion of his album sales And of course he's going to have music videos Of course

So a portion of that will go to like Helping, you know, different rescues And stuff like that That's beautiful We have this puppy now He is now seven and a half months Whoa, very new Yes, he's real fresh

Does he have a website? He doesn't have a website But he has Twitter, Instagram Yeah, so does he have a hashtag Or does he have his own Instagram? He, uh, DJ Mini Matt Is his Instagram Does he have more Instagram followers

Than Jake does? How many did you have? I think it was a million You lose her It was a million You're losing to a doggy I think he might have like 70,000 Dumbass

He has more than you too Dick Can he repost something With the repost ad from mine I'd love for him to re-grab I actually have a pretty cool photo I took of a dog the other day I was going to bring him

But I have to go somewhere after this I'm sorry, I'll come back I'll leave like, you know, three days Three days before I have to get here Yeah, why don't you come back on Sunday So leave tonight Yes, west side to east side If you ever need a dog, like, uh,

Or a dog, um, um, babysitter Okay, great I'll watch the dog Well, it's called dog sitting Yes Oh, right That's actually the hardest part So, dog babysitting

This dog has an album So I don't think it's quite as simple As dog babysitter It's artist babysitting Well, even when I got the dog I was like, that'll be fine I could just have people watch him But now I'm like, I don't want anyone to watch him

He's my child Right I can't even imagine Do you ever get mad at him? Oh, yeah, a little bit Do you ever say, oh, you're a naughty little doggy You naughty dog Just so everybody at home

Amir's not just saying that You're also, you're minding slapping I'm hitting the spout You're saying something I'm hitting the spout of the dog You're essentially asking her If she's abusing the dog You have to have a little tough love

Sometimes, actually I don't know if you know that You naughty dog Yeah, you lift it up by the neck, Justine And you wiggle the dog And saying whatever No, I mean, if you want to If I am, you know, waving my hand like that

I'm usually catching puke or crap Coming out of his butt, so That is where the crap comes out That's where we currently are You can let it land on the floor, actually And then pick it up I feel like you're doing that wrong So you're catching his shit

Before it reaches the sidewalk Sometimes Yeah, you can hit the sidewalk No, in the house In the house Don't hit the table Oh, thank god It only landed on my hand

Oh, god When I did this thing Where I was like fostering rescue dogs Oh, that's so sweet And I had this one dog Her name was Betty And I remember at four in the morning She was sort of like barking a little bit

And I woke up And I just woke up And it's like the moonlight The blue moonlight was shining And she just She backed away from my bed She crouched She took the hugest shit on the floor

And I just put my hand I was like, why'd you You're the boss of me She has to decide Yeah, now you have to clean up this shit I'm like, oh It's like living with a bully who can't talk You asshole

But they look cute So cute What if they didn't look cute But they really are They're in charge Yeah, for sure I'm like, what do you want to do today? Okay, this is what we're doing

Oh, you want to go into the studio today? Okay, great Let me get my shoes Thankfully, you're living that freelance lifestyle You don't have a nine to five It's true, it's true, yeah So your hours can be dictated by this animal Yeah

It's true when he naps, I nap Like the first couple of months that I had him I like how to cancel everything He had terrible allergies Like I couldn't leave him Because he was like itching his body to death And I mean, I thought I was like, this is the end of me

And when you leave, it doesn't she or he cry? It's a boy No, he's actually very good They call that separation anxiety And there's actually a couple Because my dog, little Betty Had separation anxiety Oh, Betty

And there's some ways to There's some ways to Actually, Justine and I Are talking about doing a little dog podcast What is it called? It would be great A dog cast Follow me on Instagram

DJ Mini Matt DJ Mini Matt 70,000 Instagram followers Oh, God, he's cute How is that fair to me? You know, should be a DJ Do you have time? I know you have to go to dinner

But do you have time to answer one more question? Oh, yeah, we're good It's probably going to If I leave now, it's going to take me five hours to get there So it's all good Are you going to miss it anyway? We're going to dinner It's actually not a dinner

But it's an event I hate to Yeah, it's a food-based evening event And they'll have chicken and rice and a dessert Chicken, rice and a dessert But I wouldn't call it a dinner Yeah, okay Just chicken and rice, no vegetable

I'm not even sure where I'm going To be honest with you You're getting kidnapped at 6 p.m. We should say this is kind of Another exciting part of this podcast We're recording this Thursday at 5 This is going straight online We usually wait a bit

We're going to post this today Bonus episode Thursday Wow It's up Within an hour That's really great This is as close to live to tape as podcast can be So if you have anything

You can plug something that's happening In two and a half hours Hmm Oh, I've got nothing All right, cool Other than this event All of my dogs DJ Minimax

Album drops at 6 Uh, uh, uh Okay What's our next question? I just can't wait I know, great question This is Oh, don't give me a name yet

Let me read the question first Here's my sticky situation My current girlfriend of a year Has her birthday coming up At the end of this month And her ex-boyfriend is buying her A $200 to $400 tattoo I can't help feeling pissed off

Our relationship has, uh, It was being swell up until now And because of this recent predicament Materialistic sides of her personality Have come to light And when I think back through her history I should have seen it all along Because it's exactly who she is

This shit has hit the fan And I'm having trouble with our relationship I hate to think it's essentially Because of this whole tattoo thing In which case I know I'm very jealous about it But I also feel like the ex-boyfriend Is crossing the best friend line A little bit

I feel like my, I like my, uh, sorry I still like my girlfriend a lot And I could possibly get over all this And continue happily dating her But I felt my love slip a little Having a clear picture of who she is So my question is, am I being totally Am I totally just being a jealous bitch

Or is the ex-boyfriend doing something icky By buying this 19 year old ex-girlfriend Of his, a tattoo And is my girlfriend at any fault here Thanks for the advice Love Sammy Sammy

Sandwich You guys should just break up That's it Like, you know, like, honestly I love that fucking advice so much Like, you already know this is not gonna work And how old are you, 19? Trust me Well, she's 19

Maybe he's 40 He's 48 He's 45 Okay, then you need to marry her now Because You gotta lock this shit up, man He called this when she was four An ex, an ex

An ex giving your current girlfriend a tattoo What a slap in the face that is By the way, it's his name on her lower back Yeah, we need to know what the tattoo is Yeah Just the fact that it's a permanent thing That you'll have to stare at It's a big heart that says Sammy's a bitch

It's like buying her a gift is one thing Getting a tattoo is another And then the fact that it's all combined Into one mega FU He also slipped in the fact that he's overdoing Like, he's crossing the best friend line Like, oh, anytime you are dating somebody Then you're like, I'm still best friends with my ex

I would be like, and we don't date anymore That's it He would be friends I'm friends with almost all my exes All my exes hate me And they hate you I respect it People being friendly with their exes is fine

People being friends with their exes I would probably be like, I don't know I don't like it But it's like best friends with your ex But wait, the best friend line is he Is that his best friend or is that her best friend? Sounds like her, he doesn't like this guy at all Okay

How many exes do you have that you're friends with all of them? I mean Like a handful You can tell us exactly Name names Please name names No, but I think as you get older too It's like there's no point if you invest so much time with someone

Would any of them give you a birthday gift? No Yeah, that's good Yeah, that's where definitely I think Cross is the line Yeah, I think I could probably actually say I'm like friendly with, or I'm friends with my exes Like, nobody really hates me And maybe I would text them on their birthday

Yeah, a text or like an emoji Speaking of birthday, I got you a present What? How and why? As you were telling me it was your birthday I was ordering something for myself So I just ordered two of them Oh my gosh, this is the first gift giving

Okay, hold on This is a podcast of firsts Wow Holy shit I'm holding in my hand a deck of cards Called Poop the Game And it's a card game called Poop, correct? Yeah, I haven't played it yet, but I was on Amazon

And I was looking for a game that had to do with Poop Like just, you know, I'm not really sure what I was going with that You were looking for a... Before you knew that Poop this game existed You were like just googling I looked up Was there a game about Poop? I looked up Poop Board Game

And then I saw these cards How did that come up? I don't know, I was looking for video ideas Have you played this game before? I have not, but I think you kind of play with a bunch of people And keep putting cards into the toilet, which is the center of... Wow Into an actual toilet?

Not an actual toilet But then you can clog the toilet I'm not really 100% sure, but it sounded fantastic This is amazing So I just added an extra to my card This is the best gift I got today No offense, Jake, because Jake also gave me this gift today But it was a real piece of shit

This is an actual... Yeah, this is an actual gift What you gave me was what? A Kleenex It was a framed photo of the two of us All right, so let's see Let's play Poop I forgot you took that photo the day we met

What you do with everybody just in case the relationship blossoms into something special We should take a photo together Oh yeah, that'd be great That was nice I'm at me, just me and you Okay, all right, okay I've got this, yeah, I've got the Polaroid camera

Okay, so this is not okay The girlfriend is kind of going a little bit too far She shouldn't accept a tattoo, a permanent mark on her I think it's a picture of the guy flicking the current boyfriend off on her abdomen So why does he... This guy keeps on being like I thought she wasn't so materialistic

Is he just saying like... Maybe she's saying It doesn't mean anything to me but it's an expensive tattoo and I want it and he wants to pay for it Yeah I mean, it seems like this is just opening a hole I agree

But let's... I'm just gonna just take... Just for posterity I'm gonna take the stance of like... of not being jealous, right? Okay So you just say like, wow, what a fucking loser This guy wants to give my girlfriend $200

Yeah, baby, take it Yeah I'm gonna take it That's this herb dish Like opening his wallet to somebody that I'm fucking Yeah Right? Like you can be empowered by that situation too

But the fact that it's a tattoo is just a constant Like she wants to... If not consciously but subconsciously look and think about this ex-boyfriend every day for the rest of her life When if he said that he thinks she's materialistic and this is not something new I mean, it's already...

I think clearly something's not going well Right I think this... Yeah, this thing... It definitely... It's coloring the entire relationship for this guy right now It's like this boyfriend's doing this and then he's like

and now I don't know if I like her at all as a human being Yeah, I mean, if you think you don't like her you probably don't like her so you should save your time and do something else There's a girl out there who's so good

she won't even get a tattoo purchased by her ex-boyfriend on her birthday That's true And why don't you look for that? It'll be like a breath of fresh air Jill also is looking to get it Oh, should we? Jill was trying to get at something

Wait, did we ever give this guy a name? Oh yeah What'd you call? Sammy Jill and Sammy actually might be a thing and then maybe she'll like your Instagram photos and Bob will get up on it Let's all get Jill and Sammy tattoos

Seems to use email and all this like high-tech stuff over here You should do an email intro with everyone Oh yeah And they can fight it out You should have our podcast because you would make it so much nicer I just wanted to intro you guys

I think you guys all have some things to talk about Yeah That is true because we are ending one relationship We should start another one We should Yeah, that way the universe stays at balance Because I think Jill's probably gonna end up in jail because Mark probably isn't actually 18

and this is all gonna come out and she's lying to us She called dib when he was in middle school Yeah, she shouldn't write that He was 15 That's high school Yeah, yeah But I was just, you know

Yeah, but she was probably 18 at the time She said she was a senior Oh, this is getting wild So I was not thinking about it too much Let's stop Speaking of intros I told, did I ever mention that the guy who wrote the opening theme song's name was Massimo?

I don't think so I don't know if you did Massimo, so thanks Massimo And the closing theme song is written by a group or a trio of humans called Webster, Webster and Cohen which sounds like a law firm Yeah

Justine Thanks for coming on our show Thanks for having me This was great So exciting It's gonna be online You can listen to it at your event later I can't wait

Which is what you should do I will You should put one earbud in and then the other one Or if there's a box cable there Oh, yeah Then you could play us the event Like, look where I just was

Yeah Listen to this Yeah That's actually not a terrible idea Sure it is If you're listening out there have your own questions or your own theme songs

the email address for all of that is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com Thanks for listening Thanks again for coming in Thanks And we'll be back on Monday if you can believe it

Monday Later everybody Peace Bye Because I wouldn't have a clue CeaseTheCheese.com