If I Were You - 195: Caviar

Episode Date: January 25, 2016

In this episode we discuss football, pseudonyms, and skeleton keys.This episode is brought to you by ClubW, NatureBox, and CreditKarma!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Yeah. Cool, twangy. I liked that. Next song. This isn't just the episode where we listen to every single song. We should do that because we have a lot of songs. And I told you last time, but I discovered just dozens of songs from three years ago. How did you find them?

I did a search for unread emails with attachments. That didn't necessarily include the word song. That's cool. And then it's like, okay, this one was written in June of 2013. Wow. And I emailed him back and I was like, hey, we're going to finally use your song. But this guy's probably dead. I mean, I don't know what else to tell you at this point.

This was 2013. Who knows? Maybe his music career has taken off. And now that guy. Dude, it's Kendrick Lamar. Oh, Mike. King Cunta. I'm honored.

He tried to cut the legs off him. Holy shit. I see the resemblance. That was actually Jack Doyle. Jack Doyle. Still cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Can you imagine if Kendrick made a song for us? Yeah, it would be like this. All my life I had to write. That's cool, actually. What? I love your show. That's good. Because I love your show.

Yeah. So thanks, Jack Doyle. We're recording this Sunday night. Yeah. Just to prove that this is like, boom, last minute. We know who's in the Super Bowl. Yeah, it's a little bit of a crushing blow. Yeah.

Well, people listen to this for a football analysis. So Broncos, Panthers, who do you got? Who do you like? I mean, I don't think there's any stopping Cam Newton at this point. I mean, watch him dab. Yeah. Watch him whip. Watch him nanae.

Yeah. Watch him dab. Watch him. Watch him. Watch him. Watch him. Ooh. Watch him.

Watch him. Ooh. They kind of, to me, have a Golden State Warriors vibe where they're like all young, athletic, friendly, cool dudes. Yeah, they just can't lose. Yeah. And then there's Peyton Manning, who's like, it's as if Kobe accidentally made it to the finals against them.

Yeah, but this is like offense versus defense. Yeah. And you know what usually happens? No. What? The defense dominates. Remember our first Super Bowl bet? It was Seattle, defense versus Peyton, who used to be like a great offensive player.

And Seattle destroyed. But for whatever reason- And then the next year, it was- You took Seattle and I took the Patriots. And that was sort of, Seattle was all a little more defense than offense, and the offense won out. But this year, it's very offensive, versus very defensive. And again, everybody loves the offense.

Everybody loves the flash. Everyone loves the dab. All right. So what do you say? You want to make this bet? Well, the problem is the line is already out. Do you know who's favored? No, but I'm sure it's the Panthers.

That's correct. The Panthers are favored right now by four. Okay. We don't bet the spread. We just bet who wins and loses. Right. That's the problem. We both kind of like the Panthers this year.

Oh, you like the Panthers. So you, I would, if I take Denver, I would want Denver plus four. So if Denver loses by three, I still win. Oh, I don't know if I could play this game. We got a week to decide. I still owe you a billboard from the last Super Bowl. It's true. I don't like, I just don't like the idea of like being excited, but then also needing

to do math. Yeah. That happens a lot when we're watching sports games where I'm like, oh, sweet. They won. Well, no, they, they got a safety here. Like, yeah, they didn't, they didn't come with a spread, or like, oh, that's actually a push. Yeah.

Like I don't, just let me be happy when someone wins. Yeah. Don't let, don't make me do math. I don't want to plus and minus shit. What am I, a battery Christ? Just tell me. You know what we can do? We can give each other odds then.

That's more math. Yeah. Like, come on, that's not fair either. You're simplifying, but not enough for my taste. What do you mean? What do you mean? Can you make every touchdown worth one? I'm fucking sick of adding shit.

What does it mean to go for two? They should go for one. I'm like, hey, relax, dude, you're insulting my intelligence. Do you think it was Ghost Kowsky's fault because he's blaming himself? I don't think it's, I mean, like the entire offensive line let Brady down. Like it's not Ghost Kowsky's fault. It's, they, they got to protect number 12. Yeah.

Or number one, if you ask me. That's what I'm saying. Which is what Cam Newton's number is. That's cool. We'll discuss it next week. This is, what is this? This is an advice podcast. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and I, and who, I, I'm Amir, I'm Josh,

Josh R. I never know which one I'm going to say until it comes out. It's definitely one of the two. So we are going to be reading emails from people seeking our guidance. Yeah. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs like Jack Doyle, I promised to read it before mid-2018. It's, if I were you, show at gmail.com.

I was away all weekend. That's why we're recording it Sunday night and putting it online right away. We usually do it a little ahead of time. But we ran out of time. So you searched for questions while I was up north with my family. That's right. You are going to read them. These are not sight unseen for me, but the audio equivalent, ear unheard.

You also haven't seen the emails because you read them with your eyes. That's correct. They're also nose unsmelled. You did smell my computer when you walked in. Like a dog. You wanted to see if I'd be masturbating instead of looking at questions. I know the smell of your cum. That's a good question.

Does all cum smell the same? I think so because there are those bushes that smell like cum. Yeah. Everybody's like, oh, it smells like cum. We all agree. Yeah. But I bet there are variations. Right.

Well, it's like wine. You could be a cum sommelier. Yeah. A sommelier. Hold on. Let me think of a pun. A cum sommelier. A cement.

A seminier. A sommelier. A sommelier. A sommelier. A sommelier. A sommelier. A sommelier. A sommelier.

A sommelier. A sommelier. A sommelier. All right. So this one's coming from Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Tedkin Jr. We're doing, we're doing players that actually made it to the Super Bowl, unlike your fucking boy Tom.

I mean, that guy is done, dude. He's actually, he's got six or seven years left. Wow. As long as Gronk, if they can just fuse them into one mega player, I feel like that would be it. Gronk just seems like a bionic person. Like he will, he'll catch the ball for 30 yards. Then he's like lying down on the sidelines, getting massaged until they need him again.

He comes in, grabs one, then they're like screwing his arm back on. It's true. He's like mutant league football. You see him on those sidelines, like snorting oxygen, getting fucking his hammies rubbed out because he tore one and then he's like, I'm fine. Move. There's like all trying to strap him down, screwing on his neck correctly. Gronk hungry for ball.

Oh, he's out there. Remember that fourth and five where Brady just fucking threw it to him and he caught it in between two guys? I think a guy like almost hit the ball away and Gronk just fucking with two fingers kept it in. God, he's fucking incredible. All right. See, that's what you, that's what you get when you root against the Patriots.

Now you don't get to see Gronk in the Super Bowl. That would have been fun. Okay. I don't want to see Gronk happy. All right. He's still good. Yeah. Yeah.

He's the best. Yeah. All right. Dear Jake and Amir. Is this from a guy or girl? It's guy. All right. Cool.

What did you say when? Ted Gin, Jr. Ted Gin, Jr. writes, my name is Ted Gin, Jr. And recently I ran into a problem that I need some help to solve. Okay. Last night I got carried out from my favorite Chinese place from my hometown where I rarely get to eat.

The problem is that when I left my order, I gave them my last name. This is common for me as my first name is incredibly common and I try to avoid the possible confusion. However, when the lady who I know to be the owner heard me say my last name, she thought I said Scott, which unsurprisingly is way different than my actual last name. Gin, Jr. I tried to say no, but she had already turned around and was in the kitchen getting my food before I could tell her she was wrong.

Another employee nearby heard her make the mistake as she walked in the back and even looked at me and said, not even close, don't worry, I'll give her shit later, I'll give her shit. Eventually, another employee came out with my food, confirmed my number and I got my food without any more snacks. My question is this, what is the best name to leave for a carry out order? It should probably be something that everyone knows is a name, but isn't common enough to be repeated.

I'm thinking of Ricardo as a pretty good name, but I don't want to have any features that would indicate I'm even a little bit Latino, but I don't have any features that would indicate that I'm even a little bit Latino. I definitely think the perfect carry out name would be at least two syllables or Ricardo. Why? Why does he want Ricardo? As any single syllable names can easily get slurred. Thanks.

And Gin, Jr. Ted Gin, Jr. Ted Gin, Jr. All right. What's the difference between carry out and take out? It's the same? Yeah. Is it like an East Coast, West Coast thing?

Maybe so. Okay. I have this problem. It was one of the reasons why I chose it. I chose it because I thought it was pretty funny, but every time that we go anywhere and they ask you to leave a name, you leave mine. Right. So I'll either, especially when I'm calling in, I'm talking on the phone, like, all right,

party of eight. What's your name? I'll just say Ben. Because if I say Amir, people will hear I'm ear. Right. Ear? No, no, no. Amir.

Amir? No, yeah, not Amir. Never mind. Oh, shit. I don't care. Ricardo. He could just be Richard. It needs to be Ricardo.

Perfect. So why is a single syllable name? First of all, this isn't even like, it didn't seem like that was a problem. The girl just misheard the name. Everything was fine. He got his food without any more snacks. And he got someone fired for it. So it's only one.

Shit later. There's only one snack. What name to give for take out? Yeah. You do want a name that can't be misheard. This is why when I go to Starbucks, I will oftentimes do Josh or Bob. Bob I think is the perfect name because you don't want a two syllable name. That's two opportunities to fuck it up.

Bob is the perfect name because it's so easy to hear and spell and say and also very uncommon. And the only time I ever really regretted it was at Starbucks in Penn Station where everyone was calling me Bob for the rest of the trip. Yeah. It's like, Bob, your card was declined. Like, oh, shit. Sorry.

Yeah. There's no here. You try this one. And then they're like, Bob, your coffee. And then they're like, Bob, your croissant. And then I like went back up and I was like, this actually isn't my coffee. And they were like, oh, sorry about that, Bob. Yeah.

And it was, whose name is Bob? Not enough people. Bob's a great name. Bob was my dog's first name. My first dog's name. And he's only. And my second dog's second name. Bob is great.

Like, even like Bob is such a common name that nobody has. Yeah. Like it's such a common name, but I don't know a Bob. And you don't know. Yeah. You don't know Bob because they go, their names are Robert, you know, Rob's or Robbie. Yeah. You even know a Bobby.

But nobody goes by Bob. And that's why Bob is the perfect name for takeout. Here's another good name. It's also a likable name. Yeah. It's true. Everyone likes a Bob. Here's another good name.

Two syllables. Like this guy wanted. I'll give him another option. Another super common name that nobody has. I like this name actually. I might actually name my child this name because I like it. Simon. Simon.

Yeah. Okay. It's clear. Simon Blumenfeld. It sounds like a wise Jewish man. That kid will, he'll grow up to be a lot. He will be you. I could be Simon.

You definitely could be. Because I look like Simon the chipmunk. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. You basically shouldn't be a mirror. Fuck. Simon Schummel the chipmunk.

All right. There's also, there's something to be said. I was just thinking of the name Finesse. Oh. You know, like Finesse Mitchell. Sure. Of course. Something like that.

That's an actual word and nobody's named that, but then you know, you know that word. That's too close to what global does, which is like say global and then what are you talking about? Right. Yeah. So I'll be like Finesse. Like what? How do I find Finesse?

Finesse? That's not your name. How do I spell it? And it's hard to spell. That's true. Simon and Bob. Two good options because it's also, there's no multiple spellings. Right.

There's only one way to spell Simon and one way to spell Bob. Can you imagine them spelling Bob incorrectly at Starbucks? Bob. Bob? Bob. Oh, yeah. Like if your name is Pablo and it's short for Bob. Yeah.

That's kind of cool though. Bob. Bob is another good one. Yeah. All right. That was a good non-relationship question right off the bat. Thank you. The next one is a little bit of a relationship question, but.

Pass. Okay. That's fair. Bob. All right. Guy or girl's name? That's a guy. Emanuel Sanders.

Emanuel Sanders writes, so I found myself in a sticky situation, literally sticky. I'm in quicksand and dying. I'm a junior in high school and I've been with my girlfriend for about nine months. She's a total smoke show and we are successfully rounding third base. However, that is where my problem has arisen. We recently got on the subject of anal and she said that I better put a finger in that dung dike to loosen her up. Jesus.

I'm sure she didn't put it like that. I've already listened to your episode featuring Thomas Middleditch and I agreed that I was willing to put a lot of things up there, just not my tongue. When I did put my finger in her butt, I started to feel around. I felt a groove and I started to play around with it. Usually, grooves are good for pleasure. To my horror, when I pulled out my finger, I realized the groove was a piece of human feces.

Holy shit, right? You could tell I was disturbed, but I told her it was nothing and went to go wash my hands. A little later, we decided to 69 as we had never tried. I'm sure you're aware that the anus is pretty close to the vagina. So throughout the entire session, I got wave after wave of a shitty odor. I may not have been a kiss ass, but I was definitely a brown noser. Nice.

It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life and now I don't know what to do. I'm scared to do anal because what if I get poop on my dick? I swear I can still smell it on my finger. Please advise me out of this fecal fiasco. Oh, sorry for the long email, Emmanuel Sanders. What's his problem? He was just described a bad situation. What is he asking me?

I guess, please advise me out of this. You don't have to have anal, especially at age 16. I feel like I heard this recently and maybe throughout my life that people are saying, oh, we'll have anal because that's not actually sex. Yeah, like saving myself, saving my vagina for pieces. Anal is an incredibly intimate sexual act. It's sex. It's called anal sex.

So I don't think you should do that in lieu of sex because you're too afraid to have sex and you'd rather have anal. Yeah. I'm not really mature enough to have anal. Yeah. Anal. That's how much you like it. You call it angel sex.

Anal and angel, actually. Anal sex, to me, is caviar. You don't feed it to a high schooler and be like, I hope you like fish eggs. Yeah. You have to give it to a foodie that had everything eight times and he's like, now let's try. That's a really great way to describe anal and it's so true and I love feeling a little high class for luxury as much as I do because you're eating, you're spreading shit on mini toasts.

No, it's not shit. But okay. But it does. The analogy is also complete because I dislike caviar. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I love it. Yeah.

And I fuck caviar all the time. I wouldn't want fish eggs, nor would I want male or human eggs, which I imagine what comes out of females' buttholes. I do also think that it's not anal sex, probably isn't about exploring the ridges on the butthole. That was an interesting thing. He said, grooves usually lead to pleasure. I guess that is an interesting theory because nipples and clitori and even peni all have bumps.

They're all little anomalies on an otherwise smooth surface. The idea of it, I thought it was like grooved condoms, the grooved things sliding over your pleasure areas. It's not like finding a ridge on something and rubbing it. But it is. No, it's friction touching the sensitive things. Your clit is a sensitive, your clit, like a sensitive part of the vagina. So rubbing it with something grooved with like, but a clit is a tool with two cavemen

trying to explain sex. A nipple is like a bump on a smooth surface. A clit is also a little bump, a little button, if you will. A dick, you call your dick, is a little bump on your, it is a bottle, it's a fucking big ass bump. Let me tell you a little something. Jesus, you're so insecure. I didn't even mention this.

I don't have any dick, let alone your, you know what, your dick is small. Look at this. Oh, inverted. It's a peanut. It's a bodily anomaly, a bodily, I love my shelf, a bodily anomaly named Amelie. Yeah. That's right. A hot tamale.

And I think it's an evolutionary thing that allowed blind people to climax, which was an evolutionary advantage. Those with nipples that didn't come out. This is the worst education forecast ever. Eventually, what, selected out of, naturally, of course, evolutionarily speaking, because nobody could touch their nipples or arouse them, so those people eventually died off. Equaling nipples to braille. Not braille, per se, but yeah, it was an evolutionary advantage that allowed them to procreate and

eventually recreate into the perfect human that you see today. Simon. Simon. I am Simon. Surgeon Simon. Surgeon, dude, man. Yo, Surge, dude, let's play Guess Who, dude. Dude.

Dude, you have a rosy cheek, dude. I started, dude, I fucking lost the bill card, dude. Surge, does your character have a hat, dude? Is it George, dude? Oh, shit, is it a lady? Are you Claire, dude? Dude, you're Susan. You're Claire.

All right, you go, Surge. I'll give you a hint. I'm wearing glasses, dude. His name's Tom, dude. Dude, it's Franz. I sort of fucking got, dude. Does he have bumpy hair, dude? Are you Alfred, dude?

I know all these people. How do I still know them? Claire is the lady with a hat. Yeah. The pearls. Alfred is the red-headed redneck, almost. With the goatee. Yeah, he's long red hair and a handlebar mustache.

Franz is bumpy-haired black guy. Here, let's- Or black-haired bumpy, black bumpy hair. I'm going to give you a quiz. Okay. Which guest, who character are you, dude? Interesting. Dude, let's take this Buzzfeed quiz, dude.

Can you describe- What color are you, Surge? Can you describe Peter? Peter, dude? Yeah. I know he has white hair, man, right? Peter is- No, George is the one with the hat.

Peter- Oh, Peter's the old guy with, like, little half glasses. Oh, no. No. I think that one was Herman. Herman does- No, I thought Herman was bald. This is Peter.

Oh, yeah. Peter was the looks like a Russian man melting. Yeah. He looks like Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah, there's actually- Yeah, there's another- Oh, this- Oh, wow.

Oh, the best character of all time is Bill. Bill is the one with the egg head. His cranium is the shape of an egg. Yeah. It looks like- I don't know if anybody was listening because I'm just Googling guys who characters, but I could do this all night. All right.

Should we choose another question? Yeah. All right. Okay. Here we go. Oh, Canada. Oh, this one's kind of fun. Oh, wait, actually, let's take a break.

Oh. Yeah. All right. So we'll take a break and come back with more questions, dude. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. For you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Wow. Years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy. Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when

you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Let's take another break.

Five more ads. What do you want to say? I wanted to talk about and promote and share our friend Lewis's crocheting endeavor. Right. Lewis is the guy that made little crochet dolls of not only us, but Thomas and Ben and Rose and the Twinnovation dudes. And Cheryl. Oh, yeah.

And Cheryl. Look, we've posted them. We've posted them somewhere. I think on my Instagram account. Oh, yeah. All right. They exist. So you guys can like look these up and see how cute they are.

The Twinnovation ones look awesome. I'll Snapchat it. Oh, that's a great idea. Snapchat. Amir Bloom. A-M-I-R-B-L-O-O-M. And hey, don't forget Jake Deman. 85.

I'm going to Snapchat it too. Actually, I'll Snapchat a Snapchat of you. Snapchatting it. Oh, that's good. That way we're all Snapchatting. Yeah. So you can follow our stories. Exactly.

Anyhoo. Now that we've adequately promoted ourselves, you guys should check out crocheting101.com. That is crocheting spelled the normal way, which you all know how to do. It's basically, it looks like you're spelling crotchetting. Yeah. Crotchetting. C-O-O-C-H-E-T-I-N-G 101.com. It'll take you to Lewis's Kickstarter.

You can check out the video. You can see what he's up to. And the best part of all, if you are a certain kind of donator, you can actually get the little crocheted versions of us, which are really cute. Yeah. Or of anyone. It says for $50, he'll make a custom character. Oh, well, shit.

No, you want to do it of me or me. So check it out. Oh, man. He has a little crochet Yoda. Yeah. Mario. They're all cute. It's a cute little gift.

That's Menzinger. He was a cool dude. He went to, I think, our San Francisco show. Yeah, he was at our San Francisco show. Cool. So check out crocheting101.com. And then, I think, that's all we wanted to talk about right now. Was that it?

I got nothing else. How was your weekend? My weekend. Shit. I got so high with my entire family. What? It was gone. Amazing.

I went up north and we all robo-tripped. That's cool. And yeah, we ended up in Joshua Tree. We haven't had a podcast where we talked about your party that we had. Oh, that's true. Well, what's there to say? We were surrounded by our family and friends. That was fucking an epic night, man.

What happened? I got trash plastered. I was just trashed, gone, plastered, wasted and done, dude. It was crazy. You woke up and we had switched ages. Yeah. How fucked up? I am 33 now.

Fuck crazy. Fucked up. Do you have to get- Do you remember that I climbed down the balcony? No, because I wasn't- Oh, you didn't see that? Yeah. Badass.

You'll ask anybody here. Everybody left. Everybody was gone. Yeah, everyone was gone at that point. But it definitely happened. Yeah. I snap chatted a lot of people trying to do a pull-up with Jake Nordwind on their back. Yeah.

I tried it. Did you try it? But I saw Billy unable to do it and I was like, oh, if he can't do it, then I shouldn't try. Oh, see, I saw the opposite. I saw Billy unable to do it and I said, this is my chance. If I can do this- If I can jump on your back and you collapse and you're like, oh, wait. I really thought I had a chance because I'd been doing pull-ups at the gym with a weight belt on.

Yeah. Turns out the weight belt was less than 150 pounds. Yeah. Just only by a little weird. I think the pull-ups were definitely the highlight. That was your highlight. Yeah. Or the low light of your toilet overflowing.

Oh, you know what's funny? I don't even remember the toilet overflowing. Do you remember water coming out from outside? That's the one- That's like the- You know, you sort of have that like snap to sobriety, like really quick. Yeah. Like you have to take action on something.

It's almost like you're subconscious, like a human emerging from a lake. I've got two little- I've got two snippets of memory of that, which is, first, my friend Nate telling me that my toilet was clogged. Uh-huh. And he's like, I think he did it. And I love him to death. No hard feelings.

I think he said, like, I clogged your toilet. Or maybe he said somebody clogged your toilet. And I was just like, oh yeah, like, don't worry. I don't remember. The water just dripping on to you. It was all, but like, to me, it was all fine. And I also sort of remember peeing on top of like the paper and being like, don't flush it, like it's clogged, but you could pee there.

Yeah. That was fine. And the next thing I remember, I was smoking a cigar on the back patio. A cigar. Yeah. And there's just like, there's water and someone was like, is that your bathroom? And then like, we all ran upstairs and all of my towels were on the ground. And they were like, I don't remember who was in there, but thank you, the brave individuals

who were just like, they had used all of my bath mats and all of my towels to like make a blockade. Yeah. The first responders. And then like, we had it under control. It wasn't going anymore. So we went back to the party. To the cigar.

Yeah. Which I did finish. What's the deal with cigars? They're nice. Is it like, is it, it's not quite weed, but it's not quite a cigarette. Yeah, you don't. Does it get you high? Like why do people like cigars?

It gives you like a little, it gives you like a little buzz, like a little like, you know, tobacco buzz. But like the equivalent of more than one cigarette. Maybe so, because you smoke a lot more, but you also don't, you don't inhale. What do you mean? You don't inhale. You don't inhale the smoke from a cigar. What, you just sort of swish it around in your mouth like a wine.

What? It has a taste and a flavor and it's like, so you fill your mouth with smoke and then you exhale or not, then you blow it out. So what if you do inhale it like you do a cigarette? You'll cough a lot. It's very, you don't, you don't want to do that. Oh, so it's more like, I want to fill my mouth with the smell, the taste of smoke. Yeah.

That sounds disgusting. I don't imagine you're gonna puke. That's like, yeah. It's like, just wrap your, wrap your mouth around this exhaust pipe and have it fill your mouth with smoke. Well, it's all, it's, they're, you know. What about hooker? Are you supposed to inhale that?

Cheap and cigar. Yeah. Yeah. So cigar is the only thing you don't inhale. Um, I, maybe, maybe I'm not, I'm not sure, but I do know you inhale the hooker. So when you inhale cigarettes. So when Clinton stuck it in Lewinsky's cooch and took a nice little pop, pop, pop, he was, he was actually tasting her little, her, her labes.

I don't think he smoked the cigar. I think he put it in her and then smelled it. Oh, he smelled it. And he's like, I actually, cause she was Cuban. Oh, interesting. She's not. I have like, sorry to, sorry to harp on this, but like, how fucking hot must that have been? Like I know it was like a little fucked up cause Clinton, she'd done his wife and his

whole, you know, you know, his wife is at that girl. That's doing the president thing now. Of course. Yeah. That's her. I get it. So when he like stuck that. Can you imagine like fucking the president doing that to you in the oval office?

That's so hot. Yeah. She must have been so wet. Dude. And he must have been so fucking turned on. He's like, I'm the president. I'm the fucking, I am El Capitan. The what?

I'm the executive officer, the commander in chief. How old was she? I wonder. Oh, I don't know. Yeah. Maybe it's a little fucked up. I think she was in her twenties. Yeah.

Can you imagine like, so like, so Slick Billy, he's like in his, he's in his early fifties at that point. Yeah. Yeah. I think she was in her twenties, but like it meant cause like Lewinsky wasn't like the hottest girl at your high school. So like if Lewinsky went to your high school, you'd be like, oh, fucking Lewinsky got like a fucking internship at the White House.

Dude, what happened? I heard fucking something crazy about Lewinsky. Yeah. Monica, you know Monica. Yeah. She was in my stats class. Bill Clinton stuck a cigar in her pussy. Christ.

He did that to Lewin. Nobody at my high school would fuck Lewinsky. And has she got Clinton? Dude, she was cute. How'd you get Clinton? She's cute. She can get it. But she wasn't like, you know, she wasn't Kelly Bundy.

Yeah. Well, Clinton wasn't JFK. Oh, come on. Clinton was a man, dude. You're a slut-shaming Bill. I'm not mad that Bill did it. I'm mad that I'm, I think he could have done better than Lewinsky. That's not true.

They're on the same level. Yeah. She's kind of a fox now that I look at her. Yeah. She's a fox. But I bet at the same time, if you, if A, if you went to high school with. She's super cute. If you went to high school with Lewinsky, let me know that she wasn't like the hot girl

in your high school. All right. Here's part two. She looks better now than she did back then. Do you want to know a good match for her would be Bernard from Guess Who. Oh, interesting. I actually think, yeah. Bernard.

Bernard the sad Russian? Yeah. You think everyone in the game is Russian? Well, isn't he? Oh yeah, he does look Russian. And what about Bob? I actually might have been AKA Sad Robert. Robert, I think, is the way to go.

Yeah. He's got the rosy cheeks, dude. Yeah. And him and Lewinsky actually could get it on. And then imagine Lewinsky. I mean, she's probably on Raya, if not Bumble or Tinder. Imagine matching with Lewinsky. Dude, I,

She's going on dates and the guy is like, so what's your sexual history? Is the president ever stuck a cigar up your poos? Oh, Eric the cop. Eric the cop. I'm under arrest. I don't know if there's a funnier guess who searched than Eric. Yeah. And everyone in Guess Who is just dressed normally.

And then Eric decided he couldn't, he's wearing his uniform. He's a police officer. Right. Okay. Everyone, listen, fucking Robert's a mailman. You don't see him wearing that outfit onto the Guess Who portraiture. He had the audacity to keep his fucking hat on. We get it Eric.

Christ. Christ Eric. You don't see Franz who's a neurosurgeon wearing a stethoscope. God, Lewinsky. Seriously though, if you went to high school with Lewinsky. This podcast has completely gotten away with it. Yeah. Because you, you're looking at Lewinsky and I'm just looking at Guess Who board.

Who's the big tall like intellectual bald guy? At the bottom? The brown beard. Richard. Yeah. Richard is like a psychologist. It's funny. Yeah.

Richard. So if we were playing Guess Who, I'd be like, does your guy look like a psychologist? Oh, you were thinking of Paul when we were talking about Peter. The one with like the half glasses? Yeah. Yeah. The sweet old man. Who's married to Susan, the white-haired lady.

Oh yeah. Who's actually Lewinsky's mom. I could see that. Susan Lewinsky. Yeah. Did you say you had a question before we went to break? Yes. Okay.

All right. Let's read it. Okay. What's, who's it from? Keekley. Luke. Keekley. Luke Keekley writes.

So I've been with my girlfriend for three years straight. Of course, in that time we had our ups and downs. She always had the fear that I would leave her for another girl. She always felt so uncomfortable with herself. I accepted all of her and I love her to death. Always make her smile and happy. Of course, I had party situations where she found out and got mad at me. But she knows that I would never do anything.

But she knows that I would never do anything to hurt her. Now, after three years of relationship, we decided to, she decided to leave me after I had to go to another part of the country for three months. I've been texting her with sometimes no response or a cold response. The last time she answered me, she only told me, I told you I was not comfortable a while ago. You're getting hung up on this relationship. That was two days ago and I can't send her text because she's not interested.

What is going, is this a poem? I don't know if English is his first language. So you can understand better the deal. I am better looking than her. She was the one who told me first that she liked me. And I agreed because I did like her personality. Now, after three years of a cool relationship where I go out for just three months out of states, she does that.

I also asked her if she was seeing somebody else and she told me, you can think whatever you want. Don't look for a reason or reasonables. This is not working. I don't know if she's scared of me being in another part of the country or I don't know. I would love to get her back. I'm not happy right now. What do you guys think?

Sounds like this guy's getting dumped, if not already dumped. He is, but he's been dumped. I was, I was surprised by this question because it sounds like he is getting out of a relationship and it's a very good thing. He was not attracted to her initially. He thinks he's better looking than her. And the entire time she hasn't let him go to parties. Yeah.

And now he's leaving to another part of the country and she, like her breaking up with him is the best thing that could ever happen. Every time a relationship ends, it's, it's good because it means one person doesn't like the other person. Yeah. So you're either not into a different person and that's good for you or someone's not into you and you don't want to be into them and that's a good thing too. That's why whenever anybody tells me they broke up, I say congratulations. Yeah.

Every time. And it's like, oh, actually my fiance was murdered last night. Then you shouldn't have said broke up, fucker. Sorry for your loss, but you misspoke. I'm keeping the congrats. I'm keeping the mesalto. By the way, I just told you I was recently single. I didn't say a breakup.

I see. I'm sorry, I said. Let's start from square one then. Yeah. There's the hardest thing, even harder than being single and wanting to be with somebody is being in a shitty relationship because you have to fight just to be single, just to be in a no relationship. You have to go through a breakup and breakups are the hard part.

Yeah. But if someone breaks up with you, congrats, dude. That's winning the lottery. Yeah. You didn't have to anguish. How do I do it? How will they react? Oh, no, I'm the bad guy.

You got blindsided and that's a good place to be. Yeah. You get to be mad at them. It's like dying peacefully in your sleep rather than like languishing with a disease eating your body. Yeah. It's like Kevorkian actually allowing to kill you in a merciless way. That's a full way.

Which way means no pain? Merciful. Merciless means he gets a torture. Kevorkian, show me no mercy. Have at it. I want to go out like a Viking hero that I am. Take on me to death, Kevorkian. Do your best.

Do your worst. I want to be broken up with. Have you never been broken up with, right? You've never been dumped. I've been mini broken up with like couple dates and then no or like a few weeks and then a ghosting of sorts where it's like, I don't know what happened. But I've never been like multi-year relationship. Sit me down.

I'm blindsided. Everything was going great and what the fuck is happening right now. Hey, what you thought was going to happen is I don't like you anymore. Yeah. That's got to be a really weird place. And I've never had like the months of like, I can't eat. I can't drink. I can't think of anything but her.

Yeah. I usually have that when I'm entering a relationship. My most neurotic and stressed when I'm like beginning something is I'm like, oh fuck, if I fall for this person, then they can hurt me and then I'm in a full room and I'm scared and I'm going to let the fuck, I'm going to let this person in. I have to, all right. I'm so worried all the time. Yeah.

And then, and then we break down all the walls. Everything's great. Then I'm like, all right. Deuces. I'm like, wait a second. And I was like, oh, I already broke up with you in the beginning. Don't you get it? I got that out of the way.

We broke up. I was heartbroken for six months when we were first dating. Don't you remember? I wrote you every day for a year when we were together. Don't you remember our third date? We went to a diner and I was fucking sobbing uncontrollably. So this guy has to look on the bright side, be optimistic, glass half full. Things are great.

Things are good for you. You don't have to worry about anybody else. This girl, for whatever reason, is not interested in you anymore. Even though you're better looking than her. And now you don't have to be in a long-distance relationship. Yeah. In this other part of the country. Which is great.

You can swipe. It's time to download a dating app. I will no longer freely promote. Except for Louise Crochet, 101 Guess Who, and Surge Energy Drink. Surge Dude. Surge Dude. One more question? Sure.

I have a short one. Yeah. Let's do a short one because we're already getting close to the edge. All right. This one's from a gal. A lady. A lady named Cameron. Cameron.

Newton. Curt Cameron. Cameron Newton. Candace Cameron. Oh, that's people that will be in the Super Bowl, correct? Yeah. Cam Newton writes, Hey, I'm here, Jake. I feel like no one ever switches it up.

I was wondering when is the right time to ask slash have the conversation to get a key to my boyfriend's house. We've been together five months, say I love you, and we always end up with each other usually at his house at the end of the day. Because of that, I feel like it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's not like I'm moving in. Also, are we ever going to talk about that time Amir was in Harold and Kumar? Listening since day one, Cam Newton.

So yeah, let's talk about the movie. God, I feel like we totally haven't addressed the elephant in the room. The feature film. Yeah. Wait, which one? The White Castle one? Yeah. Well, not the White Castle one.

Cool. Still. Yeah. I guess. That's why you were in a movie. Anyway, I don't think you ask for the key. I think you just have to create situations that will most conveniently require you to have a key.

Yeah. So leave something at its place. You can't just be like, Oh, can I have a key? Well, all right. Two options. Uno. Can I have your key? Yeah.

No. Oh, no. My option. Sorry. You were actually in the middle of talking. So all this late finish. I was going to say, like, make it so like, Oh, can I have your key? I need to pick up something that I left at your house.

Oh, you're away from work. Oh, this is so annoying. You know, it would be easier. Yada, yada, yada. Right. You don't turn it into like this milestone relationship conversation because that might scare him. And I've got the perfect solution.

A skeleton key. Skeleton in the closet. A skeleton key that opens up every, every lock, every door, every, every safe in the city. And nobody has it except for me. He gets home. And guess what? What?

You slit your wrist in his bed. Why? I don't know. I'm sorry for your breakup. The darkest thing I could think of. The second fiance we've killed in three minutes. This is how you do it. It's Friday night.

Okay. And you feel all right. Yeah. Where's the party? On the west side. Right. You make him a key. You turn him into a key.

What the fuck are you talking about? You don't have to ask for a key. You make him a key. Okay. So then what? You're dating a key? No. Let's hear this through.

Because so many times I would cut you off and call you an idiot. But I know I'm fascinated to hear your boyfriend is now a fucking- You make a copy of your house key and you give it to him. Got it. Say I made you a house key. Got it. Why did you ever talk to me like that again? All right.

All right. All right. I misheard you for a second. Misheard me? You misread me? Actually. I know I- Don't think about-

I misread you. I misread you. But no. There's no way- If he were- There's no way. Let's just fucking spitball. There's no bad ideas.

I don't want to spitball. If he was a fucking key. Fine. Fine. You take him and what do you do? You- I guess you have a pizza day. You grind him down to the-

Yeah. Yeah. His whole body will become a key. Okay. And then suddenly you're at a movie date and you're sharing a grape soda. And then you use him to get inside of a- Huh. He's a key.

Technically, he's the key to- he would be- you would make him the key. Nice. Suddenly you're dating the key. And then you don't have to ask for the key because he has the key. You are the key. The key to my heart. You hold the key to my heart. Yeah.

Only a key can get into my heart. There's no room for human beings in my heart. For human beings in my heart. Only a key. The keys in my heart may be in my heart. Yeah. That's right. This has been, if I were you, an advice podcast.

There is a gas leak and we're starting to hallucinate for lack of a better word. Yeah. In an hour and a half, somebody will be able to listen to that weird key thing. If you or someone you know has a question for us, we promise to answer it. We answer every single one of our 15,000 questions, slowly but surely, over the course of an eon, but we'll get to it. I promise. I promise too.

Or at the very least, we'll read it, or maybe not, but we'll consider it for sure. That email address is, if I were you, show at gmail.com. The opening theme song, once again, was written by Jack Doyle. This closing one was written by Max Began. Begin. Begin. Begin. Begin.

Thanks, Jack. Thanks, Max. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next Monday. If I were you, here's what I would do Now, now and then, the only advanced podcast on the internet I'll spread a mere woman's sound and shake her wits If I were you

here's what I would do