If I Were You - 196: Don't Do That

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

In this episode we discuss tattoo removal, time travel, and the first HeadGum Podcast Festival in Austin, TX!This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Leesa.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. It's Jake and Amir, killing themselves in the Starbucks sense. Yeah, it's Jake and Amir, being a beast in that regard. Protecting our enemy that if I were you, I would take their advice. Because Amir's a Jew and Jake's never had such a mistake twice. Alright, hey, still clapping. That was fun. That was a good theme song. You guys, welcome to the podcast.

I am your host, Jake, with you. Are you in a rush? No, I decided I'm going to kind of lead this one. Alright. I'm going to host it. You just got to tell me who did the song. Joseph Signa. Joseph Signa?

Thank you for the song. As always, we are loving the theme songs coming in from the fans. We start every episode with a brand new theme song. That one came to you from Joseph Signa. What is the show you asked? Yeah, it's a band camp we need to promote. Alright, well dude, you got to kind of give me that shit. Yeah, JosephSigna.bandcamp.com.

Alright, don't steamroll me. JosephSigna.bandcamp.com. Welcome to the podcast. This is fun. I can be the host. You don't have to say this is fun. Usually just talk about it. And if it's fun, people will think it's fun.

I'm going to host it. Okay. Welcome to If I Were You, the Only Advised Podcast. I'm the internet hosted by us. I am your host, Jake. And I'm Amir. It's fun. I didn't know that I was hosting it before.

I didn't realize how much work I did until you tried to take it over. Right. It's pretty crazy. Yeah. It's so relaxing when I just sit here and let you say everything. Yeah, this is great. Let's keep it going. So, what is the podcast?

Yeah. Every week. We'll usually have a little banter before we get into the discussion. How's your week going? How's your week going? It's Sunday night. This is literally the end of the week. Then how is your week gone?

I don't correct you every step of the way. Okay. The week was good. I'm in a shit mood. You host it. How was the week? Oh, this is something I wanted to talk to you about. I guess we're coming back on Thursday.

So, we will have one episode this week before the Super Bowl. Oh, nice. But I think I'm ready to make my decision slash consolation. Whoa. All right. Yeah. Because you know that I want to bet on... Carolina.

Carolina. Yeah. So, I did some soul searching. Okay. Yeah. And I've decided that I will take the Broncos to win. Just straight up? Yeah.

Why? A couple of reasons. One, I had the favorite in the first Super Bowl and I lost. Then in the second one, it was a pick-up. No spread at all. And I lost. So, I figured let's switch it up a little bit. I'll go for the underdog.

Maybe I'll change my luck by taking the underdog. Wow. Two, 80% of the bets I read online are coming in for Carolina. And usually when the public has a huge favorite like that, they're wrong. That is to say Denver will probably keep it close. It's probably, it's more likely that Carolina will win. But it's not going to be the blowout that everyone thinks it will be. Yeah.

Everyone's betting, betting, betting on Carolina where the line even moved. Denver is now getting six points. So, I should be getting six points. Wow. But I'm willing to lay that down. You should be, is Denver plus six? Denver plus six, yeah. Man, that is a huge spread.

Now you're willing to give me some points. No, now I want Denver. No, I'll take the bet. Would you rather have Carolina or Denver plus six? I don't know. Denver plus six is kind of tempting. Right. Because if it's close, you win.

Yeah. Either way. Right. And even though Carolina has been scored, it feels like they score a ton in the first half and not so much in the second. And I trust Peyton Manning to at least try to mount a comeback. Let's do it. Let's do straight up.

I get Carolina, you get Broncos. Okay. Shake on it. Yeah. This is happening. Here we go. It was the really small shake. It was a pinch.

It was so tiny. We pinched each other. Crab claws. All right. What is this show actually? This is If I Were You. It's an advice podcast. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us.

I know I already said that. People email us. They are in dire consequences, dire situations, I mean, not consequences. They're facing dire consequences. Fuck me. They're facing dire consequences. They're in sticky situations and they need our advice. The email they email is If I Were You show at gmail.com.

What's the email they email? They email us at an email. If I Were You show at gmail.com. Okay. And this is what we do. We help people. It's that easy. Let us begin.

This first person, let's just make up a name for him. I'll start. Yeah. Standin' Dan. Standin' Dan. Standin' Dan. Standin' Dan. Hey, Dan, what you doin' over there?

I'm standin' over there, Dan. I'm just standin' over here. What do you do there, Dan? Standin'. What do you do then, Dan? I'll strangle someone and then I'm just standin'. Who that, Dan? I strangled a person in that, but now I'm just standin'.

What do you do then, Dan? I kill people, but then I stand. Why you don't do that, Dan, Dan? Why do I stand? Why do you don't Dan, Dan, Dan? Oh, why do I strangle them now? Why did you dan, strangle Dan? Dan.

Hey, guys, love the show. I'm not exactly your target age, I think. Anyway, here's my sticky situation. God, even thinking about it now makes me cringe. Ooh, I love it already. I was talkin' to my friend this morning. We were talkin' about how chat apps sometimes have weird bugs in them. He told me that one time he was flicking through some old photos in a WhatsApp group chat,

and another friend who was also in that same group was suddenly getting notifications as though those old photos were being sent again. My face turned completely red when he told me this, because suddenly I realized that I've been flicking through old photos of my ex-girlfriend a lot. I mean, way too much. It's not like I'm obsessed or anything. We broke up over a year ago, and I'm doing just fine, and I'm sure she's doing fine, too,

but sometimes when I'm home alone, I get a little nostalgic, and I open up old chats on WhatsApp, and I look at the photos. These photos aren't too raunchy or anything. Well, maybe a little bit. Oh, my God, I mortified that she would've gotten notifications whenever I'd be looking at her old photos. What do you guys think I should do? Should I call her and try to gauge whether she's noticed anything?

Is there anything I can say to make me look less lurky? We haven't been in touch much after we broke up, so every bit of contact is very awkward, at least at first. Thanks, Stan and Dan. Stan and Dan, that's really funny. I remember when, like, even relatively recently, sometimes I still feel this way, but when you send a text to somebody,

sometimes it goes to the wrong person. What do you mean? You ever had that happen to you? Like a glitch? Like send a text to Jeff, and it'll go to Marty or something? What? Never. Why? Never. It's happened to me before a long time ago. Like you're not accidentally sending a text?

No, I'm responding to a text, or no, I'm not, like it's usually a brand new text. I type it out, say I type it to you, and it will just go to someone else that I've texted recently. What? It's happened to me twice in my life. And it's not you saying accidentally I sent you to Marty. I accidentally sent it to someone else.

No, it's not that. You sent it to me, and it was delivered to a different phone number, and not to my phone number? Yes. Okay. It's happened to me before. I skeptically okay it. It's 100% happened, but it's really scary.

It's very scary to the point where even now, like when I write a text, it's like raunchy or something. I'm like a little nervous that it's not going to go to the right. That it's going to do the thing where it goes to someone else. Yeah. A wire gets crossed. This is another thing, which is like read receipts.

A lot of apps have read receipts, which is kind of dangerous. Like I know WhatsApp has like, it's been delivered. And then another one that says it's been read. Right. And you can't really get, I don't know if you can get rid of that. I don't use WhatsApp enough. But even iMessage, text messages, a lot of people have, not a lot, but some have read receipts.

You can tell when something's been read, which is a dangerous game. Turn off your read receipts, folks. Read receipts are for like parents who don't know how to turn it off. Right. And like people in loving relationships that have nothing to hide. Yeah, but even. Like a lot of married friends I have.

No, have read receipts. It's like, when that's when you really have, that's like when you have kids. I don't even know. I'll always keep my read receipts off. I don't care how loving a relationship I get in. Like the one last semblance of freedom I have is that you don't know when I've read your message.

I want the room. I want the room to lie. Like if I just felt like doing something else. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't get your text until now. Like a girlfriend texts you like, hey, like what do you want for dinner? But I was like on my way to McDonald's or something. Yeah.

And then I'll respond in half an hour and say I ate. Yeah, exactly. But if there's a read receipt, it's like, wait, you, you ate. Why don't you respond when you read it? Yeah. You got to be careful with your receipts. That's for. Fear the read receipts.

And then I don't think he is in a position where he needs to tell his girlfriend. Right. No, definitely not. I think like if she knows, then she knows and calling won't help. And if she doesn't know, then calling makes it. And chances are she doesn't know because like you can, you can also hide behind the fact that this app is glitchy. Right.

Off chance she texts you and she's like, this is so weird. What's up has been like sending me these pictures. Are you, are you resending them? And then you say, oh my God, that's so weird. I'm getting the same thing. I thought they were from you. It's weird. And I always get it.

Saturday night at 1 45, you know, the saddest time. Is there a Saturday time than Saturday at 1 45? No big deal. I'm very good. I just sometimes when I'm alone, feel nostalgic. You meant to write lonely. Lonely and or horny. Just reading your fucking old WhatsApp chats,

checking the, checking the pictures that were sent to you. Although if she, if an ex, an ex got, like if you got read receipts that said like, your ex girlfriend is looking at photos of you. You wouldn't be mad or anything. I wouldn't be, no, not mad. You wouldn't be creeped out. I would feel bad for them,

which I'm sure this guy doesn't want his girlfriend to feel sorry for him. Yeah. But then what do you reply? Hey, by the way, don't feel sorry for me. I'm just sometimes nostalgic. Yeah. No, no, just I, you can, she doesn't know this is happening. And if you like what I'm, yeah,

she doesn't know this is happening. Even if she is getting those alerts, alerts, she doesn't know that it's happening. Yeah. It's either she's getting the alerts and she's like, I wonder what's going on or it's not coming in. And chances are just cause it happened to your friend once. It's not definitely happening to your girlfriend.

This feels like one of those situations where you jump to the worst possible conclusion and then assumed that it happened. Yeah. Then you call to not even apologize, but just gauge whether she noticed anything. It's like, hey, what's up? She's acting, she's acting a piss, but you're actually acting sketchy.

Have you noticed anything? Just, I don't know, generally, I'm just trying to gauge whether you noticed. You're actually weirding me out. I knew it! No, the phone call is. Not the fact that you've been, oh, yes, I have noticed that you've been looking at photos at 2.01 a.m.

on a Friday night. And then this follow-up question, is there anything I can say to make me look less lurky? No, that's why I shouldn't call. Say nothing. We haven't been in touch after we broke up, so every bit of contact is very awkward. You could also delete this thread,

because there's not really anything good that can come of it. It sounds like you aren't letting yourself move on as much as you might think. And there's the chance that it's sending the pictures to your ex. Furthermore, sometime down the line, you get a new girlfriend, maybe she stumbles across these old,

racy texts, she might be a little mad. Yeah, that's the thing. What good are the texts doing on your phone? When do you get rid of this stuff? When do you unfollow them on Instagram? When do you throw away the gifts? Do you throw away the gifts? What if it's an item of clothes?

It's a slight subconscious reminder, but you still like to wear it. Do I have to throw it away? I unfollow pretty instantly, and I get rid of everything pretty instantly. Everything. There's some times where, actually, I think I still have some shoeboxes

of ex-girlfriend stuff in my closet that my parents have. Your time capsule. Yeah, but it's not because I'm like, that's just because I haven't been there in a while. Don't throw it away either, though. Mommy, if you're listening, don't go in my closet.

I just haven't gotten to throwing it away yet. I'm at the point right now where it's not important, but maybe in 50 years, it'll be kind of interesting to see. Maybe it won't be. Who cares? This is you talking to a current girlfriend. Why are we even talking about this, baby? Whether I want to see it in 50 years or not.

We've got 19 different shoeboxes. She's trying to make me throw away. Flies buzzing around all of them. There's only shit in them. Oh, I forgot you collect your ex-girlfriend's shit. No, I'm a feces enthusiast. That's awesome. Thanks. All right, do you want to answer another question?

Yeah. Here's an interesting non-relationship one. Cool. You want to make up a name for this guy? Sure. Kavarkin-Dubel. Kavarkin-Dubel. Yeah, Duval.

Is he related to Stan and Dan? Like, is Kavarkin a verb? Kavarkin, Stan, Dan, Duv, and Dan. All right. He's Norwegian. Uh-huh. He's Danish. Yep, he's a Dane. Kavarkin writes,

I was at work the other day and I brought some leftover steak for lunch. I had a fork in my cubicle, but no knife. We have a cafe in our building where I could get a knife, so I walked down to get one. The problem is, how does one walk around a public space, get a knife, and then walk back by a bunch of people with said knife? As a 20-something white man,

I'm afraid of the demographic that does a lot of mass stabbings and twisted shit you hear about on the national news. I'm afraid that if someone saw me walking around my workplace with a knife, they might fear my intentions, but I'm just trying to eat my lunch. Should I put it in my pocket? Then it just looks like I'm trying to conceal a knife, which could be far worse.

Thanks, and advise me what to do next time I need a knife at work. Love Kavarkin. Very easy. I think, let's play a game where we each come up with one sentence answer. Okay. To this question. One sentence answer? Yeah.

Next time you need a knife at work, why don't you? Blank. Okay. Because I think I have a solution. I have a solution that's not... Okay, what's your solution? Do you want to say at the same time so that people can't understand either one of us? Yeah, that's kind of cool.

Next time you need a knife at work, go to the cafeteria and take a fork and a knife, and a spoon and a napkin. Yeah, that way you think you're taking cutlery. We have the same exact answer. Actually, this is actually good advice for someone that wants to stab a lot of people. Oh, shit. You walk around with a knife, people are going to fucking fear that.

They're going to fear your intentions. So what do you do? You got to conceal it in plain sight. That's right. You come to work with a fork, a knife, and a spoon. You start stabbing people with the spoon. First, if you're going to do that, stab yourself in the face though first. With a spoon.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. Try not to stab nobody. Use a real herb if you do that. I remember my mom like 10 years ago got a knife confiscated from a food pack that she packed for a flight. Oh, really? Yeah, she's like, but it's just a fork and a knife. She's like, yeah, you can't have a knife.

And she's like, oh yeah, okay, I guess that makes sense. Was it a sharp knife? I guess maybe it was like a metal butter knife. Wow. Yeah. Forks are pretty sharp too. Yeah. You ever been in the airport and at a restaurant they give you a plastic knife and a metal fork?

Yeah. It's like, that seems kind of weak. You can do a lot of damage with the metal fork. Who's calling you? My father. He wants to corroborate the story. This guy, yeah, he's good. You could also just bring the entire steak down to the cafeteria.

Oh yeah, that's good. Or you can just lift up the steak and eat it with your hands. And then if people ask you what you're eating, say you're eating an invisible bread steak sandwich. That's fun. What do you mean by that? And then if they don't get that, you stab them with a fucking spoon. With a spork. You stab them in the eye.

Not a lot of possible answers to this, but I wanted to answer just in case because these questions are just as important as the guy who is like stalking his girlfriend. Yeah, I agree. I love that people struggle with the minutiae of everyday life. And I'm here to offer little life hacks and tips for either people who are misunderstood or people that want to stab people. Life hacks and tips because I smoke packs and spliffs. Yeah, that's kind of cool.

What else? That I'm a smoker. And life hacks and tips because I smoke packs and spliffs. And my back is ripped. Yeah, my back is ripped. And my sack is clipped. Your sack is clipped? Yeah, like I have a gun down the front of my pants.

So like that's my clip and my glock. And I don't know if that's like actual slang, but I'm sort of trying to make my sack is clipped. When I hear sack is clipped, it sounds like you sewed your ball sack. Yeah. I stapled my nut to my thigh. Yeah, it's clipped. So it has two separate, like two distinct separate balls. That's not what I meant when I said that.

Yeah. And then that. Packs and spliffs is fine. Packs and spliffs was cool. My back is ripped. That's pretty good. My sack is clipped was not great. My sack is.

I treat my sack. Oh, my sack is dipped. Like I dip my balls in your mouth or something. Yeah, my sack is dipped. Yeah, my sack is dipped. My back is ripped. My sack is dipped. And then how do you get out of that rhyming scheme?

Like where do you go from there? And I attack your lip like blip, blip, blip. Oh, yo, I go. So it always ends up with yo. Yeah. Like when you're done with everything, you just say yo and then stuff rhymes with yo. Yeah, of course. Like go.

I mentioned. And that was all off the top of the dome. And I appreciate it. And out of boy, I wouldn't mind achieving some level of DAP for that. All right. Okay. Let's get to. Got punch.

Gloss and over. No. My request. I actually want my request to be honored. For the DAP request. The DAP or otherwise. The at of boy. What does out of stand for?

What is at a short for? At the boy. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's, it probably comes from that a boy, which is like that's, that's, wait a minute. That's the boy. So it started off saying that's the boy. That's my boy.

And then at the boy. Yeah. And then at a boy. That's true. Don't bother looking it up. That's my boy. That's a boy. At a boy.

Etymology. And then holler at your boy. Holler. I'll name this guy. Okay. Howard Dean Hughes, the third. Right. I'm a 22 year old guy doing a postgraduate degree at Sussex University and I'm living

with my ex. It gets better. It's just the two of us. The reason for this is because we both try to apply for on-campus accommodations, but we're turned down due to the amount of applicants this year. She suggested we live together as we both, as we're both back to being good friends with one another at this point, nine months post breakup. And we thought at this point it would be nice to live with other people that we knew to be

clean and quiet as our workload would be pretty tough this year. Now, she's with another guy who has liked her for some time and doesn't like me very much purely because I'm the ex and he's always staying around. When I asked why she can't go to his, she said that it has something to do with a living situation, but she couldn't say what. It's gotten to the point where he has his own towel here, toothbrush, and sometimes food in the fridge. They normally stay in her room, but I still live here and I'm uncomfortable with the

amount of time someone else is in the house. I barely see her anymore. I get five minute chats at most before she goes back to her boyfriend who's waiting in her room. She never wants to hang out and as a result, I don't even see her as a friend anymore. Really, I would like the other guy to stop coming around so often, maybe three nights a week max, but she's a very reactive person and I know that she'll think that this is because I'm jealous.

What should I do? Love Howard Hedin, he's the third. Ha! Ooh! That is a... That's a... That's a humdinger. Well...

The guy with the knife is really my speed tonight. This guy deserves what he got. He's living with his ex-girlfriend. He's like, but it actually hasn't worked out. It's weird and uncomfortable and I don't know what to do. And this guy thinks I'm jealous because I don't want him around, but I don't want him around. I think you're jealous too, quite frankly. Which is pretty natural because you probably do harbor some jealous feelings for an ex and

usually those things will subside because you don't spend a lot of time with the ex unless you're living with your ex and watching the guy who she's fucking come over and he's there and then you have to smell his towel when you're in the shower and see his leftovers. So I do understand the inclination to be a little upset. Next question. You got yourself into this mess, unfortunately. And I don't know if you can set a rule that says no boyfriends over three nights a week. Yeah, no, you have to move out and that's fine.

And it sounds like you are actually mad that he's around. It's not like you don't care and he does. Right, because aside from the towel and the food, they're actually not really taking over the space very much. You just are relegated to five minute chats with your ex, which is actually roughly the length they should be. Yeah, you shouldn't be talking to your ex that much at all at all, let alone you're the one that you live with for some odd reason. Her new boyfriend's doing you a favor because now you're talking to her the amount that's a little healthier. Imagine dating a girl and then she lives with her ex-boyfriend. How little would you want to be at their house?

Like I would never ever ever go there. I would never ever want to see him. I would never want to be there. Yeah. Why is that the default home? It seems like in every relationship there's a default home, one that you naturally gravitate to. He also lives with his ex and his parents. Yeah, it must be worse.

If you can imagine, a worse one. He lives with racist parents and two ex-girlfriends and a goat. So this single guy seems like not that big of a deal. The worst person you can live with. Don't live as a blanket piece of advice for everybody. Don't live with your ex-lover. It can't end well. Right.

A lot of people have money problems, but just figure it out because there's always some solution. People break up and they're like, all right, well, we got this apartment. Neither of us want to move out, so we're just going to make it work. Make it work by leaving. Yeah, pretend that's not an option. Yeah. And this is even one step beyond we live together and we broke up and we have to stay together for a little bit, which I still don't recommend. This is we broke up.

I don't even know if they ever lived together. And then nine months later, it doesn't seem like that long. They decide to live together again. Yeah, it's not good. So go back in time and don't do that what you did. Yeah. Do a different thing that you did. Go back in time and don't do that.

Yeah, because if you do a fun slogan. If you do what you did, you don't do that. So don't do it again. Go back in time and don't do that. Yeah, go back in time. That's a cool name for a podcast, actually. Go back in time and don't do that. Yeah, it's sort of like Streeter's Talk of Shame, which is a really great name.

So, you know, never mind. Yeah, but if you didn't think of that, that would be a good second option. By the way, I emailed myself recently to revisit the podcast idea for the rabbit hole. Oh, yeah. Which is Carnell's idea. Yeah. That I really want to just somehow bring to life. Do we assign it to somebody?

Yeah, I think you have to, we have to like. We need a friend that doesn't have a podcast. Or smart person. I think Mike's idea was that you get high and read Wikipedia, which is great. But maybe you don't even need to get high. Maybe it's just at some, you know, person with that type of mind. Yeah. And is it, do you imagine one person or two?

I guess it should probably be just a stoner with a headset microphone. Yeah, I feel like two is kind of the way to go, but you'd really have to get two people who, it's such a hard note to hit because they have to actually be explaining. The ideas and like events. They can't just be talking about bullshit. The idea is you get high and then you just start clicking around Wikipedia and you just say the stuff that you're learning. Yeah. So you're like, you're reading about, you're reading like Batman's Wikipedia and then you like click into Gotham, then you click into Marvel, then Stan Lee, then like where he went to college. And like, you know, who fucking knows where you go from one end of Wikipedia to the other?

It's like how shit works, but instead of spending like 45 minutes on Lois and Clark. I like, oh, you heard the name Jeffrey Dahmer. Did you know he did this, this and this? Like, oh, I didn't know that about Jeffrey Dahmer. Also, here's a list of athletes that endorsed Donald Trump. Yeah. That's kind of interesting. Exactly.

That's kind of interesting is also that could be the name of every podcast. Because no podcast is uninteresting or very interesting. True. It's all kind of interesting. So who could we get to host this podcast? The rabbit hole or that's kind of interesting. If we just call it that's kind of interesting, then maybe we don't have to give Cornell any more credit or anything. Oh, that's good.

Maybe I could just steal the idea entirely. Yeah. And we'll just delete this. We'll go back in time and don't do what we did. Go back in time and don't do that. Do we need a stoner or do we need just a funny guy? Like, if it was someone like me, not that I think I should do it, but I don't get high a lot, but it might be funny if someone like me got high and did it. Right.

Like if it's a stoner, the weed almost wouldn't affect him that much. Streeter would be a really good guy for it. Right. Or somebody like him who's like, he's really, really funny, but he's also like secretly smart. Yeah. He loves reading. He loves learning about history and he's a great storyteller. Like that kind.

Streeter should do it. Okay. All right. Streeter, if you're listening, quit your other podcast or start another one. All right. Let's take a break. Think one more sponsor and then we'll be back. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com.

If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. Check them out. Thanks, Better Help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow.

For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you.

Squarespace. Hi, we're back. Hola. We are finally going somewhere. We haven't had a live show in a bit. Yeah, we haven't traveled at all all month. Since I got back from New York, I haven't done shit. Well, we're starting to get the itch again.

Fortunately, during South by Southwest, we're going back to Austin and it's not just us. Yes, dude. Hell no. South by Southwest, baby. This is a big one. We're bringing some friends, friends. We are having, throwing, creating, created. Join us for the Head Gum podcast festival.

Can we call it a festival? Head Gum a Palooza? Head Gum a Palooza, the head gum podcast fest, a pod fest, if you will, the head gum fest, where we're going to have three shows over two days. That'll include not only in Jake and mine's podcast, not only if I were you live, but several other podcasts on the head gum network. This is why you're single. Josh's mind house.

She didn't text back. Black men can't jump. I know I'm forgetting people. Twinnovation. Yes. Ideally high and mighty as well. High and mighty. The details are about 85 to 95% worked out, but we're bringing as many friends as we possibly

can to have live shows. They're all at the North Door where we've done a live show before, which is an awesome venue. We'll be at every show. We're only performing at one, but we'll be there hanging out. Special guests. We don't know. We don't know who's going to be coming. A lot of these podcasts, this might be their first live podcast, so it's going to be very

exciting. Tickets to every show are going to be 20 bucks, and you can buy them at if I were you show.com as of right now. Yeah. We'll put the links up there. The first show Thursday is at 8 p.m., which is this is why you're single. Josh's Mind House and something by Kevin Porter, hopefully. And then the second day at Friday at 3 p.m., we're having three live podcasts, High and

Mighty. Hopefully Black Man Can't Jump. She didn't text back. And then Friday night at 7 p.m., it's going to be Twin Innovation and Us. Yes. But like we said, we're only performing at one. We'll be there hanging out, saying hi. Tickets just went on sale, so you can snag them up right now.

Yeah. If you're near Austin. Do it now, because we're about to, I think we're the first podcast to announce this show, but all of the other podcasts are going to start pushing the tickets too. Right. So buy your tickets quick, because we sold out last time we were in Austin. Yeah. The theater's not terribly big.

I think it's only like 250 seats, so the shows will sell out. Don't worry about that. Okay. Okay, Norththor. Just get your fucking tickets now is what we're saying. Just so we can start looking forward to the shows rather than stress out about the tickets. Yeah. And it's for, you know, if you live near Austin or if you're just going to be in South by for

the fun funsies. Or if you live in Kansas, I'm never going to come do a show there. Is that a guarantee? I'll guarantee it. What about Lawrence, Kansas? Oh. I'm planning on retiring to Lawrence. What about Kansas?

Oh, you'll do Kansas City, but only the Missouri side of it. Yeah. If you guys live in Texas, just drive your ass to this show is what I'm saying. It's going to be a fun party, crazy atmosphere. It's our first podcast fest. We're going to do our best to make it a fun time. And hopefully we'll be able to see you there. Yeah.

Again, all the information and all the tickets and all the links and all this stuff is going to be at ifirishow.com. And then hopefully we'll inundate as many Twitter and Facebook feeds as possible later on. But this is the first you're hearing about it, the first we've ever announced it. So you've heard it here first. That's what's up. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, we're not doing anything in February.

We should do something in February, too, just for fun. Oh, yeah. We were supposed to go to Santa Barbara and they jacked it. They jacked us up. This is not the come anymore. Yeah. They said your kind's not wanted around here no more. So where can we go?

I don't know. We should do like a tweet up or the equivalent of a Snapchat meetup or something somewhere in LA. Oh, how about just like a hike in Griffith Park? Oh, that's really fun and healthy, too. Yeah. I've been talking about for a while just trying to do some sort of Michelle Obama initiative type thing, you know?

We should do that. We should like announce something on Snapchat and be like, hey, we're going to be here. Come on by or something. Let's all go on a hike in Griffith Park together. Jake's Snapchat is JakeDemand85. And yours is JakeDemand85. No, mine's a mere bloom. Yours is JakeDemand85.

Double the promotion. I don't know if you noticed. I did. That's why. Why I instantly called you out, man. That's why we're talking about it. That's why you said I don't know if you noticed. It's like I wanted all the Jews dead.

I don't know if you noticed. Of course we noticed. That's why you blew your brains out in the bunker, you dumbass. Fucking fuck Hitler. I'm serious. I'll take that stance, too, man. Like no way, Jose. He was a fucking herb, dude.

He really was. He was such a coward little prick asshole. He was a toolbag. He was a douche little bitch. Yeah, he was a little bitch. And even people who were trying to give him credit like, oh, he was a great public speaker. No way. What the fuck are you talking about?

He was loud and he was good, but he wasn't not for the right reasons. Are you a good public speaker if you just yell hate all the time? I don't think so, dude. We disagree on that one thing. You think Hitler was a good public speaker? I think so. He's a whiny ass little bitch. No, I don't think so.

You're defending it. And actually a lot of his shit, it got way blown out of proportion. We don't have to talk about that. I actually stand with my little dude. My little dude, little Hitler. What a weird cartoon that is to pitch. Shall we answer? Did you get the Lewis Loops to crochet as a Hitler?

Actually, the Dave one that he got looks like he has a little mustache. It's not quite a Hitler mustache. That'd be a good question. Would he crochet a Hitler? I guess if you donate to his Kickstarter, you'd have to. That'd be cool. Yeah. Just as a kind of a slap in the face.

I gave you money and now you have to crochet the worst human. He should just crochet like he should do a World War Two memorabilia set. So it'd be like Hitler and then also a little FDR and a little crocheted wheelchair and a Winston Churchill. That's a cute little idea, like a little crocheted, like you said, World War Two memorabilia set. D-Day, Normandy, the like, of course, some dead soldiers or something, a Kamikaze pilot. Now let's segue from the most, the deadliest travesty the world has ever seen to this very specific minute last question about someone who is having second thoughts about tattooing

himself. As you should. Winston Churchill writes, I'm 18 years old and a senior in high school going to college next year and I have an idea for a tattoo that I want to get, but I'm scared about making such a permanent decision even though I really like the idea. It's nothing I think I'll be embarrassed of, just a short meaningful phrase that I think what I would get on the inside of my wrist where I could hide it with a watch if I needed to for work.

I really never thought I would get a tattoo, but I've been drawn to the idea of just one simple and significant message lately. If I follow through with this, I don't think I'll do it until after my freshman year of college to make sure that I still want it, but I was wondering what other advice you have as far as making sure that you're making a good decision. I know Jake has some tattoos that he may or may not regret and I figured you might be able to help. Also how would you tell your mom you've done this if you don't think she'll particularly

be happy about it? Is it best to wait until after doing it or tell her before? She will not change my mind if I decide to do it, and I know she would try to talk me out of it and maybe even be madder if I did it against her will, but I don't want her to think I'm going behind her back if I don't tell her first. Thanks for the help, love, Winston Churchill. Okay. Lot to digest here.

Yes. Initial reaction. Short meaningful phrases often make very bad tattoos. I'll say that right off the bat. Like a follow your heart or all good things are wild and free. That's actually one of my favorite short ones. All good things are wild and free on my ribs or something tasteful that I can cover with a watch or a necklace.

Watch is, yeah, if you're already thinking about ways to cover it up, then just don't get it. I think tattoos can only look cool if you're going to go all out and do a full sleeve to the point where it almost doesn't matter what each individual tattoo is. You never look at a sleeve and you're like, oh, that one's a star, that's kind of lame. If I just had a star on my bicep, you would be like, oh, weird, you just have a star tattoo right there. I feel bad because Carnell has a star tattoo on his wrist.

I have a butterfly on my wrist. I'm not trying to throw stones at the glass house. You also have a tattoo that you're actively trying to get rid of. Yeah, yeah, we'll talk about that too. But if you have... That too. Oh. That too.

A tattoo for that. What is that you ask? That's a great question. That is fat. A fat too. That too is a tattoo. How so? I'll tell you how so.

That's enough, buddy. Sorry. You're hyperventilating, man. You're breaking out in hives. That too can have a tattoo. A fat too on that too. And that too that you see, that number two? That too is a tattoo.

I got a tattoo of poo poo. Where are you? Why don't you? You sat too. You sat too. That is tattoo. What were you saying? Okay.

So I'm saying if you have just a single tattoo on your arm, it doesn't look... Break apart any tattoo on a sleeve. It feels like it would probably be a lame tattoo. You kind of have to have a bunch of tattoos to look cool with tattoos, is my opinion. Also people that just get a bunch of tattoos and don't give a fuck are the kind of cool people that don't get called out for having their tattoos and people who obsess over a tattoo and seek their mother's permission and eventually get one that they cover up with a watch are the kind of people that regret the tattoo.

It seems like every single tattoo is not worth getting like a single one tattoo. You have to... That's why you have to get a fucking part of a bigger thing. Yeah. And then you're like, why'd you get tattooed? Like, no, you don't even get to add don't... Then you get so many tattoos that people are afraid to talk to you because you're like a fucking cool looking biker.

You're a canvas of a man. Suddenly you're a canvas, man. You can be neat when you look this sweet. You're a canvas, man. That's why I want to get a tattoo. Of what? A TI-83 plus on my asshole. Kind of cool.

You would never get a tattoo. No, but like, do you know anybody with one tattoo and that one tattoo is so great that was a good decision to have one? I really like Sarah Schneider's tattoo. Yeah, but that's a girl. She's got one tattoo. Yeah, but that's a woman. I don't know.

Not off the top of my head, but I'm sure some people have like a single cool tattoo in a good spot. And if you want to hide it from work, don't put it on your wrist. That's like almost the most exposed something can be. That's like, it would be covered. That tattoo wouldn't even be covered with a full body wetsuit. I do think like, if you're, he's at least smart that he's got, he's going to wait a year.

Yeah. You might still want it in a year, so I would advise waiting a year and then not getting it. Yeah. And then waiting where you wait a year, because that seems to be the maximum amount of time we can ask you to defer. If you end up getting it, go back in time and don't do it. And then just quickly, you're getting a tattoo removed.

Do you want to go over what that process is just in case this guy thinks he can just snap and get rid of it one day? So at the same exact time as this guy is contemplating getting his tattoo in his life at 18 before college, I got my first tattoo. A butterfly. On your wrist. On my wrist. And.

Did you tell your mother beforehand? I did tell my mother beforehand, but she was cool with it. I think my sister had already gotten a tattoo, so they were like, it was fine. My dad wasn't pumped about it, but I regretted the butterfly tattoo maybe a year or two after, wished I didn't get it, but you know, when I was getting the butterfly tattoo, I was also imagining I was going to be covered in tattoos, so I was like, oh, it's okay if I don't like this one. That's when I got a tribal sun tattoo on my ankle.

Because why get a butterfly if he doesn't have the sun to fly towards? Yeah. You want it? So I'm just thinking, I mean, there's no logic behind the tribal sun tattoo. It's just a symbol that you saw at a tattoo parlor when you wanted another tattoo. My friends were getting a tattoo, one of my friends was getting the Basque symbol from like a Spanish flag, Basque country, born and raised in Hamden. Got it.

Which was fine for him at the time. I think he has like several Spain tattoos on his body. Uh-huh. Eddie got it. Good man. And my other friend was getting a tattoo, the word imagine written on her ankle. I think she may regret that tattoo. Sure.

I got the tribal sun. Anyway, these things, these decisions, like you think your life's going to go one way. Yeah. And it turns out when you're 30 years old, you're like, oh, I kind of don't want to wear shorts today because somebody might see the tribal sun on my ankle. And now I decided that I'm just going to remove the tribal sun because I've got the means and why on earth am I going to let 18 year old me lord over what my ankle looks like for the rest of my life.

That little piss aunt is trying to sabotage me. I'm going to be the adult that I am and throw some money at it and it'll go away. Just rub some cash on it and eventually it'll disappear. So anyway, it costs like $500. Uh-huh. I have to go eight times to a clinic in Los Angeles where they rub it with cream that's supposed to make it sort of like a little numbing cream. Yeah.

And I don't know how, if the numbing cream either works and the laser is still insanely painful or the numbing cream doesn't work at all and it's sort of a placebo that isn't effective. Because after the cream, they what? They zap it with a laser. Uh-huh. It feels like a thousand rubber bands smacking against your skin. Your ankle.

It's just, it's hot. It feels like she's soldering your bone. Yeah. It's incredibly painful. It's like the only, I, you know, I'm just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, it's so painful. And yeah, and it takes eight sessions and it eventually will go away. And can you do those eight sessions in a week or two? Oh, you have to go every six weeks because it's such a, it takes such a toll on your

skin. Got it. It's, so yeah, after that, it sort of has to heal for six weeks, then they can do it again. And then what happens? Does it disappear? Does your body sort of grow new skin? Is it scabbing?

I guess, well, they explained it to me that like they're basically liquefying the, so what they said is like everything in my skin is like actually trying to break apart the ink and pull it off my skin. But the ink is all like dried and it's crusted. It's in this place forever. So they heat it to such an insane temperature that you like melt it again. And then the cells in my skin can sort of continue that process of like pulling it apart. So dude, if you're listening, you can either one day go through that or you can go back

in time, which is this current day, you listening to yourself right now, imagine a 30 year old you burst in through the door and said, don't do that. Yeah. That's what we're that guy. We're you from the future imploring you not to do it. Or we're sort of telling you there is a get out of jail for $500 card. Yeah. Where nothing is really permanent.

You spend the money and you experience the pain. It can go away because I saw my tattoo technician person has had the exact same tribal sun slightly bigger on the inside of her ankle and she showed me what happens and it's gone. Just the sun has set. Can't even see it. Can't even see it. She now has a moon tattoo on her lower back and it's beautiful. I'm getting the same one on my face.

I'm going to look like the moon guy from McDonald's commercials. All right. That's all we have to say about that for now. We'll be back on Thursday of this week. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, that email to email is the email to end all emails is if I were you show at gmail.com. I was hosting the show. What happened?

Yeah. You lose the reins really early on. You asked me to take it back. That first theme song was from Joseph Signe. Joseph Signe. This last one is from Shirley, which is a free falling cover. Oh dope. I love free falling.

Yeah, dude. Once again, if you're in near around or just want to make a trip to Austin. Yeah, dude. We're fucking going from LA. To be a part of the first head gum podcast festival. Head gum a palooza. All that links. All the info is at if I were you show.com.

See you guys very soon. Later. To that. If I were you show, if I were you show, starts now.