If I Were You - 197: Mormon Mama (w/ Laura Hurwitz!)

Episode Date: February 4, 2016

Jake's mother joins us to discuss ex-girlfriends, gay boyfriends, and getting into Yale.This bonus Thursday episode is brought to you by Ring.com, Squarespace.com and TrueGrowers.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Very, very nice. A little macabre. I loved that. Whoa! My mom's here. Hey guys. Hello.

Hola, mama. How are you? Hola, mamito. Nice. Thank you. What does that mean? It's like, hola, hovito, but I said hola, mamito. Did you know that Jake was bilingual?

You know, languages were never his strong suit. Yeah. Was that supposed to mean that? What do you mean pretty well on the English SAT? And that's mono. I mean, that's your language. You're not, yeah. Languages were never my strong suit?

Yeah, foreign languages. Oh, right. I'll qualify it. What did you get on your verbal SATs? Do you remember? I actually do. What? Jake got?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I do. I do. Can I say it? Well, let's say it at the same time. If you remember. 690. Wow.

640. No, it was 690. It was 690. You got 640 on your math. Did I? Yes, you did. All right. That's actually, you did better than me on verbal.

We should check the record. I don't know if it was 690. You don't even want to take credit for it. What did you get? I got a 640. And what did you get on your math? 800, of course. I was going to say that's what I got.

You got 800 math? Yeah, I've got 800 math. I don't think I, see, I feel like I got like 200 math. You know, they say you got 200 for writing your math. It was another test for like, it was some other, it's like a midterm math test where I was, I wasn't a great math student, but I forgot my TI-83 calculator and they wouldn't let me go back out to my car to get it. Wow.

I got a math test without my calc, a midterm without my calculator and I got a, and it brought me down to a D in the class. And it was like, do you remember that? So I like, I didn't get into a couple colleges. It sounds like, cause I was taking like a low level math class and I got a D. It sounds like you're making up the excuse right now to me. You're like, and then they wouldn't let me get the calculator. So I got a D.

So that's why. Mr. Rich hates me, mom. The teachers all hate you. Yeah. All the teachers hate me specifically. But they, they did not let me go out to the car to get the TI-83. I just don't understand that, that kind of desire to see people fail for it. I think cause I was a bad student.

Yeah. That like, you know, what does he really have in his car? You're taking the teacher's side. I mean, I didn't, yeah, I didn't do very much to earn their trust. Also like, if you're a bad student and like you give the teacher an opening, he just fucking loved the fact like, oh, sorry, I don't think you can go to your car. Imagine like an asshole tempting you and poking you for eight months. And they're like, can I, can you do me a favor?

You're like, you know what? No, I don't think I can do you the favor. Yeah. Teachers are people too. And they're petty and small. Just like me, I haven't forgotten it to this day. I bet those teachers also haven't forgotten. Remember, we wouldn't let that little bitch throw a bunch of his cars.

The principal high-fiving him. Well, I was a teacher and I can tell you that we do do that. Oh, really? You are exactly right. So if there's a troublemaker that needs a favor, you're like, oh, I'm afraid I can't answer that question. I don't think so. I don't think so. I can bend the rules for you.

Some teachers do, but then you reach the saturation point. You just burn out and then you just, you know, you're hardened. You know what came up a lot in my high school or not a lot, but I seem to remember this is a specific thing. Like during a test, you can't ask any questions, you know? Yeah. It's like a vaguely worded question and it's like, I don't even know what this said. Like I'm not asking you how to answer it, but I don't know what you mean by like what's

asking. She's like, I don't know. I'm sorry. I can't tell you anything. But then if like a bunch of people came up and like I also don't understand like the language used in this, then she'll be like, all right, fine. I'll specify. I'll explain this one thing.

But other than that, I really can't answer any questions. Is that a thing that they teach you as a teacher? Don't answer any questions during the test. Yeah. I can't answer questions during the test, but I guess if there's like a mass of people coming up and not understanding something that you did, you have really an obligation to clarify it. If it's one student that's like, no, sorry, everyone else gets it.

And then it's like 10 students are, all right, I fucked up. Here's what I meant by that. That's it. That's it. And usually if it's one student, it's that one same student who's always going to ask you that stuff. Right. Like you say, I'll see you in class tomorrow and they say, tomorrow's Saturday.

It's that kid. You know? Tomorrow. That's a good one. I should say that. I know you should say that's right. I'll see you tomorrow. Saturday.

For detention. For detention. Detention. Close up of your stinky mouth. Not yours, but a teacher's stinky mouth. That theme song that we played was sent to us in September of 2013. Wow. I just found old theme songs that I had never searched for in the Gmail.

Oh, man. So that's two and a half years ago. And they said, our band is called Dead Relatives. We're from Louisiana. Let me know if you guys want this message. And then last week, two and a half years after that, I wrote them back. I was like, hey, I just searched through old emails and I found this one. I hope it's not too late.

And he said, no, of course not. Slight change. Our band is no longer called Dead Relatives because my grandma wasn't a fan of it. Your band is called Dead Relatives like it. Sweet Nana's now. No, it's called Cainbreakers. C-A-N-E. Still sort of aggressive towards old.

Yeah. It is a little. Oh, you don't like it? How about Cainbreakers, grandma? Ow. I bruised my knee against your metal cane. And they have a Facebook and a website called Cainbreakers.com and a new album in the works. Check it out.

I like that song a lot. I loved it. It was a little bit sort of like Guster or Ben Folds. You know, that kind of like gentle. Josh Radden. Yeah. It was like very minor key, sort of like gloomy a little bit. Yeah, I liked it.

I liked it a lot. Thanks for coming on our show again. Oh, thank you for asking me. Is this your second or third time? It's the third time. Third time. Gosh. This puts you in the hall of fame.

Not a lot of three time guests on our program. Just only the best for you, mom. Oh, you guys. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I'm going to cry.

Oh, why? I love you so much. Why are you crying? You're the best. You guys have such an incredible setup here. I'm like so impressed. I do. Both of us.

Yeah. I mean, you guys. Both of us. Both of you have an incredible. But I'm your son. What does it matter? She's complimenting both of us. Not everything has to be tilted in your favor.

It's been hurt. My little lady. Well, since this is your third time on the show, you're a pro. I'm a pro. I know how it works. Yeah. Just in case there's any first time listeners. This will be some people's first time listening to this podcast.

Because like invariably, like one of our fans will be like, you got to listen to this show. And then somebody finally caves and says, all right, I'll try it. I'll test it out. I listened to the one with Jake and his mom. Is that really his mom? Let's say welcome to those newcomers. Yeah. I love it.

It's an advice podcast that you're listening to. It's called the Fire Review Show. It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake. And then sometimes it's just us too. And sometimes we have guests. Jake's mom. Yeah. And sometimes that guest is Jake's mom.

So we're going to be reading real emails. Love you. Okay. Kisses. I love my mother. No problem with that. All right. I love my mother.

No. My mother is very important to you. Are you mad at me? Is that an issue? It's a little bit. The only issue. Kisses too. Love you mommy.

Excuse me. Do you have... Do you have something to say about the way I display my affection for my mother? It's a little loud during the show, like we're getting kissing noises. I'm sorry about that. What? I'm sorry about that. I didn't realize that would be a problem.

Got it. All right. I want to do that again. Cool. So these are real... Hugs to mommy. What's that? Hugs to mommy.

Kissing noises. Hugs to mommy. Okay. Okay. I love you so very much. All right. She's near and near to me. Why don't we spend 30 seconds?

You say everything you need to say about your mother. I don't need to say anything else. All right. So you're done. Cool. I don't need to say a word. I will show it. Bye.

So just show it now. Show it. Holding my hand. I am sitting on my mother's lap on the record. We're sharing a microphone and a ham sandwich. So as I was saying, these are real emails from real people that we received. If you have your own questions, you can send it to ifirishow at gmail.com. We're going to give these people fake names, you know, just to preserve their anonymity.

Of course. And Laura, why don't you give us our first fake name? Okay. I'm going to have to take a little... It's a lady. A lady. Okay. I'm trying to think what I've been watching recently that has had a lady in it.

And I'm sorry. I'm blanking. I'm totally blanking. That is another instance of the male-dominated Hollywood model. All right. Okay. All right. Cool.

You're right. You're right. I'm going to think back to the movies that are nominated for Oscars and how few women there are in them. Thank you. One... Oscar so... A guy.

Yeah. So, so guy. All right, guy. And one female who's nominated is Brie Larson. So, we'll go with Brie. Brie Larson writes, So, yeah, I dated this guy and after a month of dating, he told me he wasn't... Sorry.

And after a month of dating, he told me he was going to join the Mormon church. After that, we dated for three years. We broke up last April because he was leaving for a two-year mission in South America. I was completely supportive of his religion throughout the relationship, even though I'm agnostic. I still email him while he's on his mission and considered him to be a good friend. The problem is his mother. She and I were very close during the relationship.

And since I broke up with her son, she still expects things to be the same. She recently told me she cried because she thought that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I still want to keep in contact with my ex, but I don't think we'll ever get back together because of our massive religious differences. She buys me gifts all the time and gets upset if I don't see her when I'm in town. How do I tell this incredibly nice mother that I can't be friends with her anymore? Thanks.

Love, Brie Larson. Wow. I think that's really unusual because usually Mormon mothers would want their kids, I would think, to marry... Yeah, you think she'd be like thrilled. Don't you think? Yeah. For years, the mother just must have gotten attached, but...

Yeah, I guess, but usually that's a big thing, I would think, in a religious, especially if you've got a kid who's on a mission. Yeah. That's a big one. That's a full, dedicating two years of his life thing. Yeah. But you have six children, so you've had your fair share of significant others come and go.

I have, and Jake can tell you this. My mom's probably pretty close to this lady's mom, actually. My mom's kept in touch with one too many of my exes. I have. I have. I get very attached. I genuinely like everyone. In high school, there were times when I had to leave the house because my ex-girlfriend

was coming over to dinner. Right. That did happen. We took an ex-girlfriend on a vacation. What? Yeah. It was awkward. Of course.

What is that? I think we had already... That one I was complicit into, we had already bought the tickets. We had already bought the tickets. And after you broke up, you were like, why don't you still go on vacation? It's not going to be less expensive to have her not come because we would have lost money on the ticket, but not on any of the meals or anything. This is what your dad said as he was sitting you down.

He was talking to my ex. It's just that... Consider that a sunk cost. Do you understand that, sweetheart? Jake got a 300 on his math at 16. But I'm pretty, pretty bright when it comes to this stuff. And if you'll see this figure, it's how much I'll waste on you. I can't believe you brought an ex-girlfriend.

It's a big deal to bring an actual girlfriend on a family vacation, let alone an ex. We tend to get close to people pretty quickly, I think. And this girlfriend, I really liked her. She was like a daughter. I don't know. She was just... That was your first girlfriend. You have enough daughters, though.

Yeah, I have a lot of daughters. Yeah, you have real daughters. And they're awesome. Yeah. She was like a little bit more troubled and moody. And I was kind of drawn to that because my kids are pretty upbeat and cheerful. Yeah. You wanted an angsty teen.

I kind of did. I kind of did. It's weird. You sat her down and asked her to yell at you. Yeah, yeah. My mom's just great at bonding with anybody. So, like, all of our... I think everybody's significant others have always liked you.

And I think it's kind of tough when you break up with somebody to be like, you're not only losing that person, but you're losing access to, like... The family. The family, yeah. And I think a lot of the times, at least in my relationships, one of the harder parts of breaking up with somebody is that I've generally liked their friends and family a lot, too. Yeah, and you never actually break up with the family.

You just break up with the person. And then you never say goodbye to the parents. You don't get those radio talks. They don't get the, like... It's almost like dying because you literally will not... You just won't ever see or talk to that person again without any warning. Right. Unless you're my mom, then in which case you will go out to several meals

and sometimes a vacation. And email them and say, Happy birthday on Facebook. And it just goes on and on and on. You're still in contact with more than one of my exes, would you say? Yes, I am. All right. I am.

I definitely am. What do you mean, contact? Like email? Occasionally, I have said something, I've emailed them and follow them on Instagram usually and like stuff. I should stop doing that. It also must be weird for that ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend. It's like, wait, why is your ex-boyfriend's mom liking stuff

and why are you going to dinner with her? I didn't think of it that way because it's true. I mean, I have the same last name as Jake. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, maybe I got to stop. Maybe I should change my last name. Or at least my Instagram handle. So how can you tell what if one of these ladies actually had to break up with you

and say like, listen, I can't? That would be like kind of painful for me, I have to say, but I also would understand it. You've also never been broken up with? Not to my knowledge. I feel like maybe they could have stopped like sending me emails or something that actually might have happened. And that's okay.

You got jumped by one of the girls that I jumped. But I think for this mom, I mean, she probably really got invested and it probably makes a feel. Maybe she doesn't have a daughter. Maybe she only has a son and she was really excited to have a daughter even if she wasn't a Mormon. Here's how this girl should play this though. She doesn't have to break up with the mom.

She just tells the guy, tells the son to break up with the mom. It's like, it's great. This kid can break up with the mom for you. Oh, so like you have to say, hey, listen, we talked to your mom about this. It's like an eighth grade when you would break up with people through your friends. Jake doesn't want to go out and do anything. Bye.

I did that last year. I hired an eighth grader. To break up with me. That's like the level of cowardice that's OK in this situation because you shouldn't really be hanging out in the first place and it's not your place to break this lady's heart. You can just say, hey, your mom's contacting me a lot. I think we need to stop talking to each other so much,

but I feel too bad. Can you let her know? And then he can be as gentle as he needs to be with the mom. The liaison. Yeah, that's a really good idea actually. I think he probably could say it. And she could probably say it to the ex-boyfriend really nicely too. Yeah, way more candidly.

And then she calls the girl and be like, wow, you didn't even have the balls to break out with me in my face, did you? She's just dumping out clothes on her red lawn. Grabbing her by the ball sack. I think that's a good solution though. That really is. Yeah, that's one of those we all agree on. Yeah, yeah.

It's almost like I thought of it. That's how much I agree with it. Well, I'll take it because there is a record of me thinking of it. I actually, my heart hurts right now though for the mom, I have to say, but I think it's the best solution I'm just saying. I think it's because I'm over identifying. But that's a really good solution. That guy will find a new girl.

Yeah, hopefully a Mormon. Yeah, or actually either way, but he'll find a new girl. A sister wife. And that mom will be ready to love because she will have gone through the heartbreak and the loss and the acceptance that she doesn't have that girl in her life anymore and then she'll be ready. That's a funny romantic song to write is like a mom looking at a picture of a 17-year-old girl being like, where is she?

I can't believe she's gone. So true. My little son's girl. I'll just talk to you about this after the podcast, mom. Yeah. Yeah. Let's save it for the commercial break. Hold that thought.

We'll talk. All right, let's get to another question. This one is also, oh wait, no, that's the same question. Oh, no, this one's also from a lady. Whoa. A lady, another lady. Okay. All right, I'll go with another Oscar nominee.

Okay. I'm going to mangle her name. Sorsha. Sorsha Ronan. Sorsha Ronan. She's nominated for an Oscar? Didn't she? Yeah, she did.

I do believe so for Brooklyn. That's cool. Yeah. Sorsha Ronan, right? Yeah. Hey guys, huge fan of the show. Should I read this parenthetical? It says, I'd like to F. Jake.

All right, so you already read it. I'd like to F. Jake. Unrelated. Here's my predicament. That's what's up. I'm a college senior and I've recently started fucking a new guy. Things were going great until there were a few red flags. You said F. Jake and then you said fucking a new guy.

Yeah, because now that the floodgates are open, we can just go for it. Cool. I've recently started fucking a new guy. Things were going great until there were a few red flags. We started talking about our families and it came out that not only is his mom gay, but his sister is also gay. At first I thought nothing of it, but then he told me that his new favorite show is The New Girl and that his favorite movie is The Sound of Music.

The way he dressed kind of gives me pause. Think corduroy pants and striped socks. Also one time during a sexual encounter he called me Matthew. Am I fucking a gay guy? Should I be concerned? Always yours, Sorsha Ronan. Wow. That was loaded with a lot of interesting information.

Yeah, this girl is blunt. She tells it like it is. She really does. I think there's a bunch of stuff she doesn't need to worry about. I honestly don't think the thing about the mom being gay and the sister being gay. It's not genetic. It doesn't run in the family, right? I don't know anything about being gay.

I like saying stuff very empirical. It doesn't run in the family, right? Right. Am I correct? Well, you can't have two gay twins, right? Correct. I do. Actually, only twins are like if there is a twin and one's gay, they're always both

gay, right? Yeah, right. And only twins are gay and nobody else is gay, right? And if you're gay and you're not a twin, then you had a twin and you ate them in the womb, right? And corduroy pants are very gay, right? Striped socks. First of all, some of this stuff is me.

I like the new girl and I wear striped socks. Yeah. And I'm sure you've worn corduroy pants at one point or another. Well, to be fair, he also is fucking this guy named Matthew. Yeah, Matthew. I was going to say, I mean, Matthew, both watch the new girls together. You are this girl's fuck buddy. That's why she wants to fuck me.

Oh, it finally makes sense. So of all her concerns, let's rank them on to like most to least gay. So striped socks is pretty low. Pretty low. Most gay thing of all. Really? Well, what color are they? More so than...

Well, corduroy pants, I guess, is pretty not gay. I don't know the correlation between corduroy pants and gay. I don't even... Yeah, I've never associated corduroy with homosexuality. Well, it actually makes sense because it's ribbed and then you're like, oh, this is like a cock. I like having cocks on my lips. A mirror.

I have a spot on my... Oh my God. A mirror. Good point. I'm going to write that down. That music's pretty... That's dope. I like that.

I mean, yeah. It's got some good music in it. That one is the most stereotypically gay because it's like a... The new girl. A musical. But if we're talking about stereotypically gay, he was raised in a house by two gay women. So that movie might have been playing as long as we're talking about gay stereotypes. And then it's like sort of you're nostalgic for it.

Actually though, and I don't mean to have a lesbian stereotype. I think the sound of music is more a gay man stereotype and he would maybe be around Melissa Atheridge and the Indigo Girls. Come to my window, dance my line. My tastes are more of gay women because I like those songs and then also I like vaginas. You're a total lesbo. You think so? Yeah, dude.

You love Sarah McLaughlin and Tata's. And Tattoo. Remember that band? Tattoo. Tattoo. The one interesting thing is that he called out... He called her Matthew. Matthew, that is the troubling thing in my book.

Yeah, that's... But her name might rhyme with Matthew or sound like Matthew. That's true because it's not really Sersha. Right. Exactly. I don't know, did she like... I mean the thing that's curious to me is if someone did that to me, I'd immediately call him on it.

Like, hey, you just called me Matthew, what's up with that? Yeah, why did you do that? And then he'll be like, because Matthew McConaughey is hot and I like to pretend like I'm fucking him. Yeah, and that would be kind of a dead giveaway. Another clue. Yeah. Plus the socks.

More leading. Is this... Is it a big concern among a lot of people that like the guy that they're fucking is gay? Is it like if he's fucking you? It's not good enough. That's pretty straight to me. At the very least, he's bi.

Yeah, what does it matter if he's gay if he's having sex with you? You're worried that he's a closet homosexual that'll come out and break up with you one day perhaps? I guess, yeah, I guess maybe. But some people are metrosexual, which is like ambiguously. That's right. And I really do, and I don't mean to sound preachy, I think sexuality is kind of a continuum. Like you're somewhere on this sliding scale and you're...

Sometimes you're a little closer to being, you know, gay or bi than other people. I think I really do think that it's not like an either or. I think you can be somewhere in the middle, very comfortable. Or you could also be on either end of the spectrum, you could be very gay or like me. Very, very straight. I actually love pussy. I actually only wear blue jeans and I only wear solid socks. Okay, what are your thoughts on the new girl?

I think it's pretty good. Oh my God. There you go. I also love the sound of music. There you go. I am 16 going on. 17. You are 17 going on.

What? Of all the songs to sing from that. That's the gayest one. It's a duet between a man and a woman. Yeah, but you're singing the woman part. That's right. You are 16 going on. 17.

How about Climb Every Mountain? I don't know that one. Oh God. So in conclusion, he may or may not be gay. If he's boning you, I would say he's at the very least in the middle. He's not completely gay. I like to say like in conclusion, none of the evidence you've provided us with makes us think he's gay except maybe calling you Matthew in which it gives me only the tiniest bit of

pause. So I think you're good. Yeah. And you'd also want to, well, I don't mean to get gross, but like what position, you know what I'm saying. Always, always anal. Always anal her boning him with a banana. Sorry, I should have read that PS.

Okay, let's take a break. We'll thank one more sponsor and then we'll be back with more questions and answers. Yeah. Yeah. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. You don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online,

you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy. Ameer Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code. If I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase.

Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. We were just on your podcast. Yeah, and you guys were awesome. You were so good. Yeah. Who was better? I would say, and Jake, you know how much I love you.

I love you too. I adore you. You guys were equal. I loved you both equally. That breaks, Jake. The biggest slap on the face. You guys are equal. Just crushed you.

I am so sorry. I honestly, you guys don't. I'm floored, mama. You know what though? I have to say what was interesting to me was the information you guys gave me about your teenage selves. Well, talk about just your podcast in general and then the story that was specific. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It's a short story podcast and it's a little, I mean, I love it. I tell a story every week and it's called the easy chair. The easy chair and I tell it different story week to week. And it is challenging to come up with original content every week. So I cheat a little by having guests. And in this case, I wrote a story with information that you guys gave me. About our high school selves. Yeah.

About your high school selves. And it was fun, like your favorite expressions, your styles, your passions, your bands. Yeah. What you thought you were going to do when you grew up. My hair products. Your hair products. That was interesting to me. What has happened to moose?

You never see that anymore. Do people still use moose? I think people do. It's around. People use moose. It is. People use it. Oh, really?

I mean, like when you see people with their hair just like straight up and like very... Like porcupine. Isn't that gel? Isn't that gel? Did you ever use moose? Yeah. I used a shit ton of moose. He did.

He did. My eighth or ninth grade yearbook photo legitimately has like a stain of moose on my... It's true. Because my... I have a cowlick that makes my hair natural part like kind of over my right eye. Right. But I wanted my hair to be part of the middle. Like everybody else had.

And I could not get this like part half my head to go over one to that side. So I would just mat it down with so much moose. It's true. You couldn't even... It felt like... It just... Crispy. Yeah.

It felt like a fish stick on the side of my head. It was so hard. And like then it would... And during the day, it would like drip down my... Oh, my God. And it was such an unattractive style. Yeah. Like looking back on it.

It's like, oh, my God. But is that the reaction you had in the day? Yeah. I thought it was ridiculous. Like what are you doing? It's disgusting. Because you have this blonde, like really beautiful corn silk hair. And he just like hardened it into this mass and he parted it down the middle and then

he had that like bowl thing going on in the back. I guess it's a skater cut. Is that what that was called? It was a skater cut. Did you ever skate though? I would bring my skateboard out onto the back porch and practice my ollie. He could do an ollie, but nothing else. He couldn't be in motion.

No, yeah. It had to be like a static ollie. I couldn't really skate up and down the street. Yeah. I could sit on it and sort of like gravity drift me towards one corner or another. This is the most embarrassing thing about my style is like, skateboarders had like, you could tell who was a skateboarder because like one side of their shoe would be really scuffed up.

Oh yeah. They covered in holes from doing olleys. And I didn't skate enough to get like a really good hole. So I used to like, I used to rub my shoe on the side of the house to like get it appropriately scuffed. I didn't know this. Is there anything more mortifying than like a cool kid seeing you do that? Oh my God.

Like what do you do? It's like on my way to school sometimes I just like drag my left foot on the sidewalk and like, yeah, yeah, yeah. If someone had found me out, it would have been very, very embarrassing. You'd have been a fraud, a phony. Yeah. Oh my God. I really did not know that.

So much effort to fake it that like you could have just practiced skateboarding. Right. If I had spent as much time just like standing on the skateboard as I spent in the garage with sandpaper and whittling down my shoe, I could be Tony Hawk whittling my shoe. Next up on the X Games, we're going to be whittling our shoes. Well, look at him go. He whittled his shoes so quickly. Tony Hawk perfecting the 1080.

So our episode is already up of the easy chair. Yeah. Yeah. It's up this week. And you can find it by Googling the easy chair going to headgum.com. Yeah. By searching Laura Hurwitz. Yeah.

Laura Hurwitz. Did we have some? Yeah. I don't know how to find your podcast. If you just go to headgum.com. Go to headgum. Because they're the best. Yeah.

The best podcast network. Going. That's right. Yeah. Your son started a podcast network. How does that make you feel? Jesus. I could not be prouder.

Could not be prouder. What does your other son do? Jack shit? I'm sure he's going to finish his senior year very well. He actually is going to grab some. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I didn't mean to throw it in. That sounded really mean. I actually built a podcast thing. I actually do pretty well without college. And you're welcome. I saved you and dad $100,000 worth of debt. You are. So sorry about that.

Sorry about that. Can I actually just get the however much money you guys spent to get Micah through college. Can I just have that in a check? Let's talk to dad about that one. That's fucked up. The only Hurwitz that saved any money on college and I'm also the only Hurwitz that's doing anything worth a damn. Doesn't your older sister do a lot of work volunteer work?

Non-profit. As in she doesn't make a goddamn profit. Meanwhile, I'm making, trust me, more than just chump change on all the podcasts. The podcasts that are under my umbrella and let me tell you what, tell you a little something about my umbrella. It's raining outside. It's not just raining, it's pouring. And the sound, the rain doesn't make a drip, drip, drip, it makes a ca-ching ca-ching ca-ching.

Why are you holding an umbrella if it's raining money? Because I don't want to hit my head. How are you going to get the money though? I collect it in the street. What do you do? What do you do? The cascade's off the umbrella into a funnel that takes it to a bank. A funnel.

I've made a rude goldbrick, it's not important. It's not a literal ass, so you're standing on the funnel? Rachel does a really great job of, she's a Spanish to English translator for victims of domestic abuse whose first language is in English. Right, so she- Not a lot of cash in that though, I don't think. No, but she explains what a restraining- We have one podcast where the Rosenberg twins invent shit.

You know, Jake, honestly, I do talk about you as a sort of reverse cautionary tale. Because everything that your parents usually tell you not to do, you did and it got you where you are. Which is where? You're in a real good position. Upshits Creek without a paddle, congratulations. With an umbrella. Because the water's getting warm.

I remember the days of just waiting in the computer room to hide my report card and tell them- Oh yeah. It was like everybody knew it was coming and it was a race to the mailbox. See if I could hide it before they found it. Now it's all online. Yeah. There's no hiding.

There's no hiding. The truth, the truth is just out there. It is. It's interesting. Oh, it's too bad. Did you know that we're going to Austin for South by Southwest? Yeah, I heard that. Head Gum is doing three shows.

That is unbelievable. That is so cool. It's our first podcast festival of sorts. Like are you on a big stage with like people all around you? Yeah, it's a very big stage. Well, it's just over 300 seats. The stage itself is the stage. That's true.

Super impressive. Did any of the other kids ever do a head gum festival? No, of course not. No, no. We did not. Did they ever do a podcast with a mirror? I have to be very specific, otherwise you'll find something that's good that they do. Some other shit that they did that's nice.

So if you're in Austin, if you're listening and you're in Texas, or if you're far away and you're thinking, you know, it would be a fun little road trip, is if I go with my boys, my buddies, my girls, my pals, and we go to Austin for the weekend. Austin's a very fun city. It could happen. When is South by Southwest? That's a great, great question. Our shows are on Thursday, March 10th, and then we have two shows on Friday, March 11th,

and we're not only going to be there, but our friends are going to be there. All of your favorite other head gum podcasters are going to be there, like the Rosenberg Twins, like Josh Rubin, like Black Man Can't Jump, and this is why you're single Kevin Tex back. She didn't report up in the Gilmore Girls. John Gabor's from High and Mighty. They're all going to be there. It's going to be a party every night, and if you want to meet all of us and hang out

and have fun and watch these shows, the tickets are available at ifirishow.com. Boom. I'm signing up. Yeah. I'm bringing all my lady friends. We're going on the road. It'll be like the Golden Girls. Yeah.

Why don't you bring that friend that has a crush on me? I will. Who? Anita or Claudia? Claudia. Do you have two friends that have a crush on me? No, she has two friends, but one of them's not. One of them has a crush on you.

I have one friend with a crush on you. They're beautiful. And they are. They're beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful women. Yeah. Mrs. Robinson's. Very nice of them.

I did go to Berkeley, which is where the graduate takes place. One of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah. Everyone's talking about how they went to college. Oh, come on, man. Whatever. I actually took the SATs twice. Did you take them twice?

I did. Yeah. I did. And I think you, they used to let you combine scores. They do let you combine scores. Right. You can take your highest. But I think what happened was like, I took, I don't know exactly how it happened, but

I took the SATs once, then we paid for like me to take an SAT prep course. And then I took them again. I got the exact same score. And my dad was so pissed. I was like, what did I get? He's like, they have exact same fucking score. Really? I can't imagine your dad losing your cool.

Oh. Losing his cool. No, he's so chill now. Yeah. But when we were growing up, he like, he would, he's screamed. Yeah. He did. Always screaming.

He's terrifying. Yeah. So how did he, how did he mellow down? I honestly don't, I think he had so much stuff happen to him. The floor kept falling out from underneath him, and he just kind of gave up. He's like, I'm just, I'm just, this is it. This is just it. I'm not going to get excited about anything.

And that's kind of where he is. Or mad about anything. After I left home, there wasn't really anything for him to get mad about because the triplets were so good. They were so well-behaved. Yeah. Yeah. And Micah's generally, he's well-behaved.

Yeah. It was just like me and Hannah were the bad kids. Yeah. Yeah. I'm kind of a fill on you. The first two. So it's a good thing you kept going. Yeah.

Yeah, thank God. If at first you don't succeed. I'm a success story. Bumping them out. Trust me. I'm a rag for riches. Rags. My father dressed me in rags as a boy.

It was a weird day. I went to school in rags. Do you have time to answer one last question? Oh yeah. Yeah, I would love to. This one's from another mother. Oh, man. A mother from another mother.

Oh, man. Man, I got to come up with someone else who's nominated for something. How about... You know they're required to nominate five women. Okay. It's not like they didn't get as many. It's the... Two of them were guys in drag.

I wouldn't be surprised with this Academy. Yeah. Well, okay. I'm going to go with Charlotte Rampling. I do believe she's nominated. The impressive thing is that you know everybody's name. That's... Yeah, I pay attention to that stuff.

I don't know why, but I do. At a mama. Charlotte Rampling writes, My daughter is a senior in high school and I know all moms like to brag about their babies, but she is incredibly bright. 2080 on her SATs and a 4.9 weighted GPA. She's also hilarious and confident and does very well in social situations. She's in the midst of applying to colleges and her whole family has been very encouraging

in this process. Here's my problem. She has only been considering state schools in our area. Firstly, I support her decision, but I cannot understand why she wouldn't apply to a higher tier school. We met with an advisor who assured us she was a strong candidate for Ivy League universities. I think she's a little obsessed with finances. Her father and I are divorced and I am ashamed to say that she has been caught in the middle

of money related arguments. She is incredibly financially independent, but it's no mystery that we're lower middle class to put it optimistically. If she received a lot of financial aid, she would still need to take out loans for the rest of her tuition. However, I don't want her thinking about this when looking to her future. She's applied to four schools, all of which are very inexpensive, but in my opinion don't provide the quality education that she deserves.

There's more. The other day, I used her laptop and saw Cornell's website in her most recent internet history. She's been highly communicative to me about college, telling me a plethora of details about the most trivial of college matters, and she has not mentioned this at all. My first question is, how do I get her to understand that money is not the deciding factor for everything? Furthermore, is it my place to tell her I think her schools of choice are poor choices? Neither her father nor I were very successful in our college years, and I would love to

see her make the most out of this time while she is in her prime. Thank you so much for taking the time to advise me, and I appreciate everything you gentlemen do to brighten my day. Thanks again, Charlotte. Wow. Charlotte. Charlotte. Actually, I can speak with some authority here because I was a college admissions officer

before I was a teacher. Holy shit. Can you imagine me and Jake? We're just going to try to answer this question. She was a college admissions officer at Yale, actually, and she still couldn't get your ass in. She actually tried to stick your application to the bottom of one that deserves to get in.

Now with a 2080, you better believe there are just enough just from China alone. Perfect 2400s to admit not just one, but two classes to yeah. Yeah. Okay. So if you have a 2080, I'm sorry, you're looking at Southern Connecticut State. And that GPA that starts with a four, that's not going to get you into Yale either. I'm sorry, sweetheart. 4.9, 4.5.

That is actually maybe four a state school. Sorry, go ahead. Yeah. No, I mean, one thing that's kind of interesting is that Ivy League schools like Yale, their needs blind admission policy would make it so if you didn't have a high income, you could pay very little to go to school there. We have a family member who I think paid like 5,000 a year just based on income. So it's all based on a lot of times a state school that doesn't have that policy is going

to be more expensive. What's tuition at Yale for standard? You know, I have to say I'm not exactly sure what it's going to be this year, but around 50,000. Oh my God, that's so much money for the whole time or just for like even if you don't go to class. But amazingly, like NYU is more expensive. More than 50?

Sarah Lawrence is more expensive. College is a fucking scam, dude. It's a lot. It's a business. You better believe it's the same fucking thing as Starbucks, because you go to Starbucks. I love Starbucks. You would never go to school that often. Real quick, how many people decide who gets into Yale?

You worked on that team, right? I was on the admissions committee. There were 12 of us sitting around the table. And you guys were the ultimate arbiters of who gets into Yale University and who doesn't? There were a lot of checks and balances because you had outside readers and then you had readers on the committee and every admissions person had a territory that you're in charge of. So you couldn't get one of your children in if you really, really wanted to? No, it doesn't work that.

Even if you like bribed or like, is there like some CD? People tried to do that. It's like, hey, well, you let this person in. It's not really blind. Yeah. No, that, yeah, I had people offer me stuff. I got, I once got a letter with jewels in it from India. Jewel CDs?

Yeah. Actually like loose jewels. Oh my God. I got a letter. She got a letter from Jewel. Oh my God. No, I got a letter of support from Mother Teresa or an Indian student. Did that person get in?

No. Didn't have a high enough GPA, unfortunately. Yeah, I'm, yeah, but yeah, I felt really bad about that one though. Is the first filtered SAT score in GPA? Yeah, I mean, there's like a bench. I think people with certain GPAs and SATs just wouldn't even bother applying. I think people kind of self select. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But another thing that I just remembered is I had a kid apply who was actually completely in the running to get into Yale. She was from California and with her application, she had put in a handwritten note and it said, please do not accept me. My mother really wants me to go, but I don't want to be so far away from home. Wow. And it was just such a move, like, I mean. You threw it away.

She's in. I'm like, she's in. I'm sure Beth, like I was going to accept you anyway. But it really like broke my heart. What did you do? I wasn't the person in charge of the territory that that person got in touch with the girls, like, you know, guidance counselor, college counselor. And I think she ultimately, she didn't come to Yale.

And I believe that I don't, I don't know whether we rejected her or how we handled that. She didn't even come up to committee. Is it a secret process exactly how somebody gets into Yale or not? Yeah, it's a little bit like there's a certain like subjectivity weirdness to it. And like you look at the constellation of school groups and you map things out. And like, if you need someone to play the French horn in the marching band, you might go with that person rather than someone. There's like tiebreakers that people wouldn't even think about weird ones, weird tiebreakers.

French horn. Yeah. Yeah. That was one. I actually remember that there's. I remember. Look, I used to look at some of these applications, especially when I was in, when I was in high school, because every once in a while they would like, even though she wasn't on the committee

or maybe you were, but you would get folders and like read them. So I would sometimes read the essays and I like to get ready for college. And like, it was just every single app. You didn't stand out if you had a perfect SAT and if you were class president, that's like, that was like, yeah, that's like what it took to be able to apply. And then after that, then you have to play the French horn. So 2400 5.0 GPA is like, all right, let's read this application. Yeah.

Yeah. That's kind of how it is. And then 50% of those people just don't get it. Yeah. I mean, there's a rating. There's one is admit, two is admit with reservations. And that's when you discuss things that committee three is reject with reservation. And you generally don't discuss those folks.

And four is just like put it in the corner. Wow. So yeah, it's a little, it's a brutal process. How many of the applications that you would review, how many would you get ones, twos, threes and four? I probably in an entire admission season gave two ones. But those ones are not even reviewed by other people. They're like, all right.

It's like, yeah. The if it's your, if it's your territory, it's like, OK, well, that, that person. So you could, you could almost like personally be like, I have autonomy to give a one. Well, you sit at that, you still have the committee, it still meets and a computer, you have a computer in front of you and the score goes up. And if you see it's a one, yeah, there's just not so much discussion. It's like, oh, you must really want this kid. And then you kind of defend it a little bit.

But usually it's like, yeah, I mean, if you gave him a one, kids got to be, I mean, usually it's the person who won the Westinghouse science prize and, you know, it was an entrepreneur for, yeah. And they, they're going to get into Harvard, they're going to get into Yale, they're going to get into Princeton, Stanford, they're going to get in everywhere. So yeah, that's a rarity. A lot of people are twos. And then we used to do these things where we'd have two pluses or straight twos or two

minuses. So, yeah. I would have been rejected with reservation though. You know, I betcha anything you would have been right in the running Amir, I really think you would have been. Well, I got rejected from Stanford and I think they're a little more lax than Yale. Stanford's really, I think Stanford's super hard to get into. Yeah, you're right.

I think it's right up there. What does this girl do? Oh yeah. This mother. This mother's just like listening to them like, that's so afraid we're not going to answer the question. The first theme song was from, no, no, no. I think that the mother, it's fine for the mother to give the daughter her opinion that

she wishes she would apply to these other school, to Ivy League schools. But if it's... Yeah, the daughter's probably waiting for it in some senses. I bet she like does it. She's afraid to. It sounds like she's doing all this stuff because she doesn't want to stress her mom out. Right.

I agree. But then there's the whole thing about how a lot of schools have needs blind admissions and you've got financial aid based on your need. So that part of it, the financial part of it is not even an issue. If the girl doesn't want to go away from home, that might be something else she might want to consider. Right. And some state schools have really great honors programs and stuff.

They do. And they're cheap and they're great and they're good and that's fine by me. It is. You don't need to go to an Ivy League school. That's true. The prestige or whatever, that's I think less important than having a really, really good experience in college. Yeah.

College experience. There was also, or some people make the case where it's better to be the smartest kid at a school rather than be the dumbest kid at an Ivy League. I think I read that in Freakin'omics or something. Yeah. That makes sense to me. I think this lady just needs to have like a really candid discussion with her daughter because it sounds almost like they can't have an honest conversation about college

because they're avoiding the issue of money and where the daughter might really want to go to school. So at the very least, they got to just like put all the cards on the table to decide where the best place for her to go to school is. I completely agree. Yeah. So I think that's really good advice. Just have a candid conversation.

Do you think I'm smart? I do think you're smart. I really do. You are very smart. Why didn't I ever apply myself to shit, Mom? Like why didn't it show? I wish I was better with honors and shit. Why was I afraid of?

Why was I busy scuffing my shoe instead of learning shit? Now I'm not lacy, but I don't have the necessary adaptation to take anything to the next level. I wish you'd instilled in me a confidence that being a good student is just as cool as being a good skater. I think it's important that it needs to start young. Thanks for coming on our show. This was the most fun. I agree.

Honestly, the most fun. You guys are wonderful, hilarious. I just love hanging out with you. You're wonderful and hilarious. And you want to plug anything aside from your podcast? The Easy Chair on headcom.com. Yeah, The Easy Chair on. Oh, yeah.

You know what? I wrote a novel, and it's called Disappear Home. And it was released last year, but it's out on paperback this year. Wow. And it's about hippies in the 1970s. It's about a depraved commune, always a fun topic. Yes, and I read it, and I loved it, and I cried on a plane. Oh, man, that's so sweet.

Unrelated, and I was watching a beautiful movie. I was watching the box trolls, a moving film. But yeah, I'll plug that. And I'm also writing another novel, but I can't plug it because I don't know what it's going to be called yet. I have my name for it, but I think it's going to get retooled. Cool.

What's your name? Just because I'm curious. Oh, I'm calling it the skinny, like as the truth, but it's also about someone with an eating disorder, so. Wow. Yeah. Heavy stuff. Yeah, it was a little bit.

It's a little bit. It's the skinny. That was bad. We should also plug our new shows on Head Gum. We have five new shows on Head Gum this week. Oh, wow. So if you're done with this podcast, and you're like, you know what?

I could listen to some more podcasts. Can we interest you in Let's Talk About Me, Baby, a new podcast with host UTK. Jake and I are on the pilot episode of his. It's a conversation. It's a podcast where people, his friends, come on the show and talk about him. Because so often, the guests talk about themselves.

Yeah. And what's the point of having your own podcast if you're not going to talk about yourself? Exactly. There's a lot of today talking about me, and I liked it. Another podcast we have is called We Watch Wrestling. Three very funny guys talk about wrestling. If you're a wrestling fan, you will love this podcast.

Told to me that it was the best wrestling podcast by several wrestling fans, friends of mine. Are there any other wrestling podcasts? There are many. It doesn't matter if there are any other wrestling podcasts. Rock. He can't do it. So if you have wrestling fans, must listen to We Watch

Wrestling, if you're a wrestling fan. Coffee with Crachel, another podcast of ours is hosted by two very funny individuals, Chris and Rachel. Oh, I was wondering where Crachel got from. That's great. That's great. I like it, I like it. Clover Fields, which is Mike and Steve, also from SourceFed,

who have an entire podcast dedicated to Clover Field, the movie, because there's a whole ethos and world surrounding it and a sequel coming out. And if you find yourself wanting to know more about Clover Field, then we highly recommend Clover Fields, another podcast on the head of network. And lastly, Esports Experts, which is an Esports podcast, which is hosted by Kyle Fox.

Mr. Rick Fox's son. Offsprings. Yeah, who's also been on our show, and Jennifer Jing. So if you like Esports or wrestling or Clover Field or Crachel or UTK. Or coffee. Or Crachel. Check them out.

Support our new shows. Headgum.com. The opening theme song was written by Dead Relatives, aka Canebreakers. And this closing one was written by Noam Fleishman, who sounds like somebody I was Bar Mitzvot with. Noam Fleishman. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs,

your own anything, the email address is IfIWereYouShowatGmail.com. Thanks, again, for coming on our show, Laura. Oh my god, it's so much fun. And thanks for being the best mom in the whole wide world. I adore you both. This is a bonus Thursday episode, so we'll be back in a few short days.

Your doors both. Oh, come on. We'll talk. We'll see you guys on Monday, and we'll see you guys in Austin. Bye, everybody. All right. If I were you, I'd listen to these two true truths. And heed exactly what they have to say.

If they don't give a good advice, they'll make fun of you anyway.