If I Were You - 198: Peyton Manning

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

In this episode we discuss being funny, being nine, and our Super Bowl billboard bet.This episode is brought to you by Soylent and ClubW.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. You're funny, man. You really are. Yeah, but don't, like, ruin it if I say that. That sounds really funny, I think. What do I do, man? Y'all do you. Y'all do you. There's a place where people go to get their stupid problems solved. Advice is funny, names are fake.

Listen to Amir and Jake for the greatest podcast show around. So let's sit back, relax, and listen to the podcast. If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you all down. If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you all down. Ooh. Did it just stop? It didn't just stop, but it did end eventually. Abruptly?

Yes, I would say it didn't fade out. Cool. Anyway, we're here. Just adding to my snapchat the end to the Bird Spiracy 2K16. What are you talking about? Just a second. I'm just going to pose a little peace sign. There we go.

All right. So during the big game, there was a big game today. We're recording this after the Super Bowl. So during the Super Bowl, there was a bird on our house. Was it a bird of prey? I don't believe so, but I actually, I guess I don't know very much about this bird species. So pray tell about this bird. I was snapchatting the bird and I was asking, I was asking folks what kind of bird they thought it was.

This is actually the second time I've used snapchat to figure out a bird. A bird species. I'm sort of, I use it for mostly orniculture. Yeah. It's what I use instead of taking a picture and then looking it up later. What you'll do is snapchat it and then have other people figure it out for you. And the votes are in very many for blue heron. A blue heron.

A blue heron. Some for gray heron, but in a lot of just said, just plain old herons. Yeah. Which is one, I thought it was either a heron or a crane. Which is funny because my favorite madman character is heron crane. Oh, yeah. That's cool. Played by Rich Summer.

Yeah. And then there was a couple of people calling it a vulture. Yeah. That was, I don't know. Somebody guessed lobster, which is layoff. A couple of people are exact. A couple of people are exact. Yeah, bird.

Someone just called me a homo for like birds in the first place. Yes. A blue homo. Yeah. That's a bit homophobic actually. Yeah. Which you didn't agree with. Yeah.

So yeah, I'm just updating my snapchat to let everybody know. Got it. That song we should say was written by an artist or a band and they're called Clear Pioneer. And you can find them on Facebook and Snapchat. Sorry. Facebook and SoundCloud. You've poisoned my mind with this. Follow me on Snapchat.

Jake Duman, 85. And follow Dave Rosenberg. Davey Rosie. Oh, yeah. He'd be so mad. It's Dave Rosie. It's Dave Rosie, not Davey. He texted me last time I shouted it out.

I was like, is it worse to say it incorrectly or is it worse to not say anything at all? I don't know. I think it's not great to say it. I think if you say it incorrectly, you might as well not say anything at all. Because you can't add Snapchat. You can't add them if they get it wrong. There's no did you mean. Yeah.

So really quickly, we did have a bet for the Super Bowl. Yeah. A third year in a row. First year. I had Denver. You had Seattle. Seattle won. That was the first inaugural Billboard bet.

Right. The loser had to get a Billboard with whatever the winner decided. You put up a Billboard in Los Feliz in LA near where we live of me on Tinder saying hipsters of Los Feliz swiped me on Tinder. Yeah. And that was a lot of fun. Second year. I wanted to be vindicated.

I took Seattle. I was like, all right, I didn't take Seattle. The first year I'll take Seattle next year. You took New England. New England won. Right. In a very stunning fashion. Yeah.

They intercepted it at the goal line to win miraculously. Yeah. That Billboard never went up. We kept waiting for billboard prices in LA to go down to a reasonable rate because we weren't there. It's an inflated market. Yeah. You didn't want to spend the price of a car on a billboard.

Yeah. Just to tell everybody that you were horny or something. Yeah. Not quite worth it. This year, I took, after a lot of soul searching, I took Denver. Yeah. Denver. And I didn't want to give you the spread either.

That's right. I said, you know what? Six point underdogs. Denver because, one, I've tried taking the favorite, didn't work. Two, I've tried taking Denver before, didn't work. Three, I'm just going to choose the team with the best defense and hope for the best. Right. Finally got to turn my luck around.

Denver not only won, but they won pretty convincingly. Yeah. Wasn't even close. It was a sad showing. Yeah. They made the Panthers look like a joke. You really do have to bet on the defense. For some reason, I just imagined the entire Denver team was as old as Peyton Manning.

Yeah. And I forgot that they weren't all. Peyton. He's so old and bad. He's so frail. He's so thin. Yeah. You can see his stomach padding come out like his ribs are protruding.

He looks like a toddler. He looks like a underweight toddler. Yeah. They should have just strutted out Papa John himself to play quarterback. Couldn't have done a lot worse than Peyton Manning. Fortunately, Vaughn Miller and the rest of the Broncos D just dominated. Yeah. They just couldn't take them down.

They destroyed. Well, this is the idea. We found billboards, not in LA. Yeah. What website did you? Lamar? Yeah. We found there are billboards.

It turns out there's billboards in other cities. And some of them, if we get rural enough, are affordable again. Yeah. So we're just going to buy a random billboard in like Michigan. Yeah. Or I thought it would be, I think it would be cool if we did one in Denver and one in, one near Denver, one near North Carolina. Oh, yeah.

It's someplace where it's up to our fans to find them and get them and take a photo because we're not going to be close to them. Right. But since you owe me one, I owe you one, maybe we can do two billboards, dueling billboards, one across from the other on a rural highway somewhere. That would be ideal. That sounds really nice. We're an electronic billboard that keeps switching back and forth.

Oh, that would be dope. That's probably expensive though. What about like the non-electronic billboards, the one that are like triangles and they rotate? Yeah. So it would be like, Jake is a small, penised man. Uh-huh. Excellent. Jake is a big, penised man.

Yeah. Because that's what I would. That's going to be my billboard. It's not going to be anti-me. It's just going to be pro-you. Yeah. It just needs to counteract whatever you, whatever slander, whatever libel you can, and then bend my way.

And then the third one is just going to be a Lululemon ad because we didn't buy the third one. Right. So it would be like Lululemon, Jake is a small dick, Jake is an average dick. I mean, that's how much I, I just want the record to be set straight. Yeah. I'm not one for hyperbole. Or we just go pro each other.

Amir is a big dick, Jake is a big dick, also North Face. Yeah. The third one. And that's a great company. We'll find something. It's going to be easy. It's going to be fun. Yeah.

We're going to do it this year. Let's make that pact. I'm just glad to finally have won one, got the Schneid, the monkey off my back. Yeah, man. I really wanted to create that dynasty. Yeah. Three in a row. I can even imagine.

You know how hard it is to win three Super Bowls in a row? I mean, next year is basically a toss up now too. Cause like then we could be, we could be tied next year. Yeah. And then what? It would have been great to just be up three, three and zero. Yeah. That's basically an insurmountable lead.

It would take me at least three years just to tie you. And we're not even going to be friends for another three years. No, absolutely not. After you see the billboard that I write, it's going to be vitriol. It hates me about your mother. It's going to be, you understand that. The deep dark secrets that you wish were never out are going to be broadcast to Jacksonville, North Carolina, wherever that is.

So yeah, I don't know. It was a fun game if you were rooting for the Broncos. Otherwise it was just sort of a low scoring sat affair. So what is this podcast? Basically Jake and I make bets every year and then for 51 weeks we don't really mention it. And then on the last week of the year we do. And in addition to that, this is an advice podcast.

It's called If I Were You. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. We are getting real emails from real people. They need our advice. And it's not always about football, though a lot of the times it should be because we clearly know what we're talking about.

Yeah, dude. And sometimes we sift through these emails. It's If I Were You show at gmail.com. And we come up with the best four questions or so to answer. Since we were watching football all day, we didn't get to do that. Right. So what we're going to do is we did this game a couple weeks ago. Oh, the Game Boy.

I'm not afraid of the boys. Is he returned? I am the Game Boy. He's back. That's it, right? Yeah. Yes. Yes, dude.

The Game Boy. The Game Boy is back. And the way the game works is that since all our emails are in a gmail, you're just going to give me a word to search. I'm going to search it, and then I'm just going to read an email at random to try to answer people's advice. Perhaps emails that we wouldn't have got to otherwise. Right, exactly.

So it's a shot in the dark, but sometimes it's better than nothing. So do you have a word for me to search in this gmail? I've got one. Ponzi scheme. That's actually two words. Yeah, so maybe you just do Ponzi. Oh, my God. How many times is the word Ponzi not followed by scheme?

Yeah, that's what I'm making on. Yeah. I'll search Ponzi Triangle, and maybe somebody did a type of, there's no Ponzi. No Ponzi. 15,000 emails, not one Ponzi. All right. No one has been, scheme is actually a pretty funny word to search. Yeah, scheme's pretty good.

Scheme. I really wanted that specific scheme. Yeah. I'll search non Ponzi schemes. Oh. There's not a lot. No, there's a good amount of schemes. Should I choose one at random?

Yeah. Well, what's the number? One through 50? Yeah. Okay. I'll go 22. All right. I'm just going to guesstimate.

A lot of effort over there, huh? All right. I got one. Okay. This one is written by, we'll call them Von Miller. Super Bowl MVP, of course. So this doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Nice.

But in front of girls, I'm really funny. Like by the end of the night, they tell me that I'm the funniest kid they've ever met. But I'm never able to close the deal. Never. How can I use this quote unquote talent, which is pretty useless at this point to pick up girls. The finale was great, by the way. I swear when my dad saw me watching and he got mad at me and fricking, yeah, my dad fricking

moved. So this was written a year ago when we stopped making, yeah, when we stopped making videos. That was a good chicken to be with though. My dad kept moving. Every time he's disappointed you, he moves. Why did he have to do it more than once? He could have just moved once. He moved out of my life.

Well, you always move with him. Oh, I follow him. I think it's like I'm living in LA with my dad and then he moves to Buffalo and then he got disappointed and then he moved again. There was one time that you were booed during the talent show and your dad is like, all right, we're uprooting the family. You embarrassed us. You stained the family name yet again.

Oh, so in your mind, we all move. Yeah. It's like, all right, we're moving and then you get kicked out of school and your dad is like, all right, we've soiled our good name in this town as well. Rounded it up. We're moving. He should just move without me. I like that this guy says this skill is completely useless at this point because I'm not using

it to fuck. Yeah. So what's the point of being funny if you're not getting fucked? Trust me. You can definitely use being funny to have sex, but it's just one of those things where you, it's not really a closer for that night. Oh, it's more of a long game. Yeah.

You're funny and people want to hang out with you and then they get to know you. You're funny. You're cool. You're not super thirsty, which right now he is. Which is why my advice is to care a little bit less about sex and care mostly about just making people laugh. Oh, so you set it up. You're sowing the seeds.

And then if people like, people think you're funny and they want to hang out with you all the time, eventually they'll want to have sex with you. Girls say that a lot as the, what's the one thing you're looking for in a guy and then a lot of it is like a sense of humor. Yeah. But doesn't it seem like it's better to be hot and unfunny? I think there's like, it's probably the best to be hot and funny. Yeah, that would be obviously the ultimate.

It's really a toss up, hot and not funny. Would you rather be funny and ugly or hot and unfunny? I would way rather be hot and unfunny. But I don't know if that would be hot and ugly. I'm sorry. I would way rather be hot and not funny. Hot and ugly. Our new sitcom on CBS, that's what the billboards are for.

It's Laurel and Hardy, but we stripped away everything. Hot and ugly. Yeah. But just because I would rather be that doesn't mean that like that's what people prefer. It is funny to think that some people are not funny. So I've only had conversations where I thought at least one of the people was funny and that's me. Right.

It's like, oh, I just had this really dry conversation. I tried to make it funny, but the other guy didn't. But there exists and I've never seen it because when I ever just voyeuristically eavesdropping on two unfunny people. Just talking. In a relationship. What? An unfunny guy and an unfunny girl going through life, never joking.

Yeah. Just like being doctors or something. Yeah. They just go, they are a doctor. That's right. A serious doctor and a serious garbage man. Yeah. That's right.

The girl is the doctor. Did I just blow your sexist mind? Oh, how can that possibly be? Oh, wow. A girl can't be a garbage man. That's right. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

She can only be a garbage person. Oh, wow. And I actually think all girls are garbage people. You're mansplaining. I'm garbage mansplaining. I'm garbage mansplaining. Yeah. You're garbage mansplaining this to me.

Two unfunny people having a relationship where weeks go by without jokes. That's possible, right? Yeah. I guess I don't know, but I would imagine unfunny people have jokes that they think are funny. Oh, and then we just disagree. They have to laugh and smile. But there are some people who are serious all the time. Yeah, that's true.

So two serious people just going through life and then once a year they'll see a comedy show and laugh and it'll all come out of them like, it's good to laugh, isn't it, honey? Like it's using part of their throat that they've never used before. Get me out of here. It's so small. I gotta go home and watch CSI. What were we talking about? How could this guy use being funny, which is useless to him because right now people

just enjoy his company. Yeah, well, he's not fucking him. What am I supposed to go home and jerk off to the laughs? That's not good. It seems as though, sir, girls do like, ladies do like, women do like a sense of humor. Yeah. It's obviously not a be all and all. That's not going to be like, oh, you're terrible in every other way, but funny.

So that's good. Right. It's a good, at the very least, tiebreaker. If I got, like most people, I wouldn't say most people, but some people, let's say 40% of people are average on a spectrum between 30th to 70th percentile. Some of them are slightly below. Some of them are slightly above. They're not super hot or super ugly percentages.

Most people are not super hot or super ugly. Okay. Follow. So if you're like in that average range, it comes down to tiebreakers. What else do you got? Some people are successful. Some people are confident. Some people are funny.

Right. And I actually think confidence is more important in humor, but they do sort of go hand in hand. It's hard to be funny and then super-unconfident. Right, right. Because a lot of comedy. Well, that happens. There's like lots of really funny people that are afraid to make jokes and they just like say them under their breath.

Yeah, or like self-deprecating comedians. And they have to like take a long, yeah, they take a long time to like come out of their shells and then like, oh, wow, that guy's really funny. When you get to know him, you wouldn't think that at first because he's so quiet. Yeah. There are things like having really great hair and being tall and broad-shouldered that like get you laid. Like a little quicker.

Yeah. Like the kind of like someone could tap your shoulder at the bar and be like, you're hot. Oh, that's good. But like, nobody's going to tap your shoulder at the bar and be like, you're funny. Well, my girlfriends all noticed how funny you were across the bar. We overheard a joke you said and it was so fucking funny. But I think as long as you're not like, just don't be too impatient. Holy shit.

Did you see that guy who just walked in here? He's so funny. He's so fucking funny. Oh my God. I don't think I've ever seen someone that funny in real life. Did you see the way he ordered the drink and then he slipped out a banana peel? Look at that hot ass funny guy. He's holding a rubber chicken.

It's a clown drinking alone at a bar. Holy shit. Is that Ronald McDonald? Although Ronald McDonald wasn't funny. He was just a clown. But he was tall and he was hot. Ronald McDonald was tall and hot. I forgot about that.

I forgot that he was hot. That's my Ronald. My one and only Ronald. That's my Ronald McHot. I think we know the next word we're searching. Hell yeah. Ronald McDonald. Should we?

I guess it'd be fun to see if anybody's ever written about that. Hi, I have a pretty weird question. Stay with me here. I wonder if it's just Ronald McDonald wrote us an email once. Wow. There's two questions. Oh, wow. There's only one that has Ronald and McDonald back to back.

Let's read. It's perfect. The beginning is perfect. We answered this guy's question, right? Yeah. It'll happen. Yeah. We love you.

It's a lady who will call Cam. No, we already did this one. Yeah. A female name. Oh, Lady Gaga saying the anthem. That's good. Lady Gaga. For Halloween, I dressed up as Ronald McDonald by wearing a red wig and carrying around

a cheeseburger all night. I don't know if Ronald McDonald carried a cheeseburger. It was a hamburger. Yeah. A sexy hamburger is what she should have been. I went to a party in the city and really hit it off with a nice girl getting her number at the end of the night. A week later, I called her up and told her who I was, and she was flabbergasted that

I was a man. Turns out this guy's a man. All right. Okay. Let's rethink that. So a guy writes, dressed up as Ronald McDonald, talked it off, chatted with a girl, called her, and she was flabbergasted that he was a man, which is kind of confusing because Ronald McDonald was a man.

I guess I have feminine features. So when she saw a red wig and cheeseburger, she thought I was Wendy. Now she wants to go on a date, but I'm pretty disturbed that she thought I was a female for the whole night. Should I tap that or pass that? Huh. It's really funny. The reason I got confused about his gender, the question is called gender confusion, is

because this guy, I won't say this guy's real name, but it's the equivalent of Benjamin Leslie, and I thought it was like Leslie Benjamin, but he's like, no, my name is Benjamin Leslie, not the other way around. It's funny that his problem is like people mis-confusing his gender, and then you immediately did that upon reading his email. Yes, and not only that, but his email address is lesley.ben, so like I assumed it was a woman. Geez, this guy is a woman. I'm convinced of it.

She's a fucking Wendy. Okay, so why did the girl, the girl's like, oh, I thought you were a female, Ronald McDonald. Now I want to date you. Yeah, because you're a guy. So she gave this guy her number because she like wanted just a friend, and then when she found out it was a guy, she was like, cool, I'll go out with you now. I guess so. But like, does that make, okay.

Now he, but he's still pretty disturbed. Why should he be disturbed? I'm still pretty disturbed that she thought it was a few over the whole night. Things like that happen where like, if people sort of like, it's not like having, it's starting off not even on the wrong foot, but like on the sort of like, this girl's negged him in a way, like she's made fun of his manliness. Right. Like, oh wow, I thought you were a girl.

All right, yeah, let's go out. She's like, oh, well shit. But now that he, wait, first of all, when did this happen to you? Well, nobody thought I was a girl, but like, I think it was a long time ago where I was like hitting on somebody and they thought that I was gay. Oh yeah. And then like, and then, you know, by the time we're going to go out, I'm like, well, I don't know if I want to.

I don't even know. Maybe I am gay. It's a, oh shit, you were right. My name is Ben Leslie, after all. But if it seems like it was a miscommunication or a misunderstanding and he's insulted, he shouldn't take it out on her. It's not her fault. Right, you shouldn't be that insulted because you were in a costume.

Yeah, that's true. So like, if it was just you at a bar in a collared shirt and she thought you were a woman, then then it would like, then maybe that's a little weird. It's pretty funny that you dress up as Ronald McDonald. Everyone calls you Wendy all night. It's a really funny joke. Wendy, I'm not fucking, oh god damn it. I'm a man clown.

Does this look like a baconator to you, dumbass? It's a quarter pounder with cheese. Now get it right or pay the price. Shit, it's Whopper. You are eating a Frosty though. Shut it. She thought it was Wendy. She wants to go on a date.

So when they were, when they were hitting it off, she just thought it was like a gal talking to another gal. Yeah, she thought it was like a friend thing. It'd be really funny if you showed up for the date dressed as Ronald McDonald's. Yeah, or the Burger King. Are you the Burger Queen? Or uh, what's, what's the, the purple guy's name? Grimace.

Grimace. Yeah. That was not a necessary McDonald's character, I don't think. He's just a big purple raindrop. Yeah. Grimace. What was the point of that one? Why, Grimace is also a negative thing.

So you got the Hamburgler, he steals hamburgers. That's good. Well that's not even, also that's not great because it's sort of like saying you don't have to pay for McDonald's. No, but he was considered a bad guy. Oh right, because he was stealing the hamburger. So you assumed that McDonald's doesn't have any hamburgers? I don't think so.

They have really bad marketing, because why the clown at all? Yeah. Ronald McDonald, scary clown making food. Wasn't there a giant burglar? Hamburgler. Oh, uh, a big bird. No, that's, they were, an Elmo. Who was the bird?

Was there a bird? In McDonald's. Why couldn't they just fucking pick one? We're going to go with Grimace at the end of the day. Birdie the early bird, remember this? Oh, no, not really. Oh shit, you know what, this is the bird from your Snapchat. Really?

Right? I think, I really do think it was a great blue heron, but maybe you're right. Maybe it was the early bird. This one at least makes sense because it's like the early bird catches the hamburger. Oh, is that like the breakfast spokesperson? Yeah, maybe so. That makes sense. Birdie the early bird.

Okay. Anyway, uh, I wouldn't, we wouldn't be read too much into it, right? You don't, you don't have to dis not, not go out on a date. Yeah. I think it's, it's like funny enough that it's like going to be kind of nice fodder for the date, especially if you show up looking extra doodly. Oh, that's good. So like glue a beard on your face.

Yeah. Uh, break your nose. Oh. Cause he said he has like feminine features. So like a big bumpy nose. Yeah. And like a five o'clock shadow. If he maybe like, um, shaves the top of his head so it looks like he's balding a bunch.

Like very, very manly. I never thought of a big bumpy nose of manly. Then again, you have a broken nose. Yeah. It's just describing yourself. A strong feature. A big bumpy nose. We're playing guess who again.

Is your guy Herman? Yes. Uh, all right. Actually I'm Bernard. Oh, fucker. I'm Wendy. Was Wendy a guess who? I thought I could think of.

No, I don't think so. Uh, all right. That was Ronald McDonald. Um, shit. Let's take a quick break. Think a few more sponsors and then we'll be back with more questions and answers. From the Game Boy. The Game Boy.

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. The primary food for the great blue heron is small fish, though it is also known to opportunistically feed on a wide range of shrimp, crabs, aquatic insects, rodents and other small mammals, amphibians, reptiles and birds. So it is a bird of prey. You learn something new every day. What did you say?

And welcome back to our podcast. We mostly discuss birds. Birds locate their food by sight and usually swallow it whole. So why was it they have been known to choke on prey that is too large? Why was it 15 miles inland? I wonder. Well, it's, you know, it's not far from a body of water, but also like they're they're all over North America in the Los Angeles Valley year round.

Oh, there you have it. So any Mexico during the winter way up North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming in the breeding period and during migration, there are, you know, they'll fly over, over the Rockies. Hey, speaking of flying over the Rockies, we have a show coming up in just over a month is Oh yeah, because we will be flying over the Rockies. Well, that's, yeah, yeah. That's true. Austin Tejas.

That's right. And I will be eating primarily fish. Yeah. Swallowing it whole. Yeah, that's right. And if it's too big, I will choke and die on stage. Of course. But we have, we're having a head gum podcast Fest of sorts, where we're having three shows

over the course of two days, Thursday, March 10th, Friday, March 11th at three, and then another show Friday at seven. We're going to be there. Our podcast live show, Twin Evasion, Black Man Can't Jump, High and Mighty, Josh's Mindhouse. This is why you're single. Kevin Porter will be there. She didn't text back.

She didn't text back. It's too many to name, though we just did, and all the information and all the tickets still available at ifirishow.com or on our Facebook or Twitter. We're promoting it right now. If you live in or near Austin, I highly recommend let's let's fucking road trip there. Yeah. Oh, dude, you want to? Yeah.

Oh, no, not us. But I'm saying if you live in like Dallas or Houston. I was so excited. I don't want to drive. Yeah. 25 hours. What about taking a train? That would actually be a little tedious.

Okay. Yeah, because that too would take a very long time. Yeah. 14 hours or something like that. No, more than that. Oh, definitely more. Halfway across the country. 20 hours?

I would say even more than 20 hours. 24 hours. 24 hours on a train. And I bet it's not even one train. We'd have to switch. We'd have to change cars. They might do like a, yeah, no, probably maybe. I looked it up last year and I, it was, yeah, it was long, but I think it might have been

just like one, maybe it was two trains. Well, however you get there, it's going to be a fun party. We're going to be at all the shows performing at one, but hanging out after, before, during. So come on by. Come and chill with us. Buy me a whiskey. I'll buy you one too. Actually, I won't.

Yeah. Don't hold me in that. That could get very extensive. Very fast. I also don't want everyone to buy me a whiskey because then I'll get really, really trashed and I want to get really trashed, but over the course of a long evening. So let's just do, you know, we're just going to start with a cider. We're going to do friendly shots.

I'm not, I'll do, I'm not going to do them all the time, but you'll do one round with a bunch of foes. That's good. Yeah. I'll, yeah. Actually, you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it. I'm going to buy everyone a round.

Man. Fuck man. Everyone lying up. This one's on me. Shit. I'm getting drunk just thinking about it. My card's open. Y'all know my name.

Nobody's there. This is Wednesday afternoon. You're on a train in the middle of New Mexico. All right. Let's get back to these questions. People who are just desperately seeking our advice. Do you have another? Another?

I come up with two already. Oh yeah. I'll come up with one. Yeah, dude. I mean, Christ. What's a good one? Oh, how about mustard? That's actually pretty good.

Yeah. Because today we had, I had a hot dog, which is a pretty neat little snack for a football game. All right. So on the hot dog, sometimes people put a mustard swirl. It's sort of like a sine wave rotating up and down the wiener. And finally. I misspelled mustard and I wrote custard.

I'll take it. And now there's, there is. Wow. Oh, there's two. One's a theme song submission. Okay. We don't need that. And the other one.

You won the game. Why? There was only one email with mustard. Well, there's also. The Game Boy. There was also only one email with Ronald McDonald. Oh, so. I won the game too.

Sounds like a pretty boring game if multiple people can win. I won first. So you won. How do you win first? And then also we still play. The winner is second. Let's go. Okay.

Everyone wins when the Game Boy plays. We are all winners. So what's the. You're the winner. So what's the rule of the one question thing? Huh? That's unrelated. The Game Boy is confused.

The Game Boy is now scared. Please do not bully the Game Boy. The Game Boy has night terrors. The Game Boy didn't grow up with many friends. He talks like a weirdo. He played many games by himself. And everyone was the winner, including the Game Boy. He doesn't play well with others.

Which is an ironic name for such a Game Boy. The Game Boy just wants to be liked. All right. Yeah. This one comes from whom? It's a man. A man will name. He didn't get a lot of love this Super Bowl.

So why don't we give it up for Greg Olson. Greg Olson. Sup bros. I love that. To preface, I am a student in uni with a part-time job. Sounds British. Here's where the story begins. I was at the bar with guys after work last night,

and we met up with my friend's neighbor, let's call her Jess, her friends and some nurses we had previously met. Nice dude. After last call, we all went back to the nurses place and got really fucked up there. Yes dude. I spent half the night slow dancing and being a big ol' fucking tease to Jess. Oh.

At the end of the night, my friend was trying to get me to go home with her, but I said no because I had lab at 8.30 the next morning. Smart. So my bud fucking drove me home at 4 in the morning. I was supposed to get up at 6 for the lab, but I ended up sleeping until 10.30. Idiot. Problem is, if you miss a lab, you fail the class,

so I needed a doctor's note. I filled up a glass with water and mustard and downed that shit to make me vomit out the beans I ate, whose sole purpose was to look disgusting on the way back up. I then headed to the doctors and got a note by lying through my teeth. I guess the whole forcing myself to vomit wasn't really necessary. No, it was not. Side note, I ended up throwing up for real in the middle of class

and in a bus station garbage. So now I have smiley face messages on my phone from Jess. I see Jess often enough at parties, but I really have no interest in her. Should I avoid her? Should I be friendly? Or should I just hit that twat making everything even more awkward? Thanks, guys.

Wait. See, this is a good example of a question we wouldn't necessarily answer if left to our own devices. Because it doesn't actually ask us anything. It's a fun story, and then it just makes a fucking 180-degree U-turn. Right. Do I hook up with this girl or no, I don't like her. That's the question.

Yeah. And he just wanted to also share with us what a moron he is for, I guess giving himself food poisoning, but all he needed to do was go to the doctor and lie. It's a good example of how when left to your own devices, idiots can convince themselves of anything. So he's like, I need a doctor's note. All right, that's one normal thought.

Let me drink mustard water so that I can vomit beans, then go to a doctor and wash it down with mustard. I'm going to throw up just even fucking recounting what he did. Here we go. He was also like, he went to bed at like 4 a.m. He probably was hungover enough to just throw up. I think he was because he did say he did throw up. Actually, I threw up for real.

It sounded like he threw up for real either way. One was just induced. Yeah, he threw up a bunch of times on his way to the doctor. You can just say to the doctor that I threw up and I'm sick. Yeah, the doctor is never asking for physical evidence. Well, where's the puke? I remember like, did you ever fake sick when you were younger to get out of going to school?

Yeah, I'll be like, I wasn't feeling well. Well, I did it so often that my parents stopped believing me. So then I started having to fake throw up so they would believe me because they would, but my parents would need to see the evidence. They didn't need to, it's not like I needed to like go grab him back. Here's the bowl with throw up, but I would like run to the bathroom in the morning, throw up and then. How would you throw up?

I would just like mostly bean mustard. I'll have the beans in the mustard water. Mixing cereal with Coca-Cola and like putting it in my mouth and then spitting it into the toilet bowl and then be like, mom, I threw up. How old were you? I guess how old are you when you're in like fourth or fifth grade? Like nine.

Yeah. Nine is an age nobody really remembers. Yeah. I was nine. What's one thing that happened when you were nine? Not quite ten and not quite eight. Just smack dab in the middle. What happened when I was nine?

Can you tell me what grade I was in? Because then I can tell you something. I just answered that question. That's how we got to nine. Fourth or fifth? Yeah. It's just different things happening. Your birthday is in the summer.

Mine is like smack dab in the middle of the school year. So I was nine in 1994? Yes. 1994. I graduated sixth grade in 96. Okay. So mine is two years. All right.

An entire year of your life was nine and we're just sitting here scratching our heads. I remember a lot of my ninth year because that was a really great year for me. Why was nine so good? I had a teacher that I really liked. Named? Mrs. Hayden. Okay.

And I had my first girlfriend. At age nine? Fourth grade. Got my first girlfriend. Wow. Baller. Yeah. Kissed her on the cheek.

On the cheek? Yep. The ass cheek. She tossed my salad. Oh my God. Is that when she eats your asshole? Yep. And she was a younger chick, right?

She was two. Come on. Don't you divide your age in minus two and a half? No. Yeah. Fourth grade was a great year. I actually probably didn't fix it very much in fourth grade. I think it was maybe more, I think it was like second and third grade even.

Well, what I'm saying is that like most people at age nine, like you think you're fooling your parents, but there's no, like if I'm talking to a nine year old, I know when they're lying. Like I imagine my niece lying to me. Yeah. You're sick. Right. I know, like I thought I knew how to put on the act. Like, all right, just do it.

Mom, I'm really sick. And like when I was really sick, you just don't say anything. You throw up all the time. Which happens so rarely. Yeah. I mean, I definitely thought that you could get away with being sick way more often. Right. Like, because at age nine, you don't know anything.

Are people sick once every two weeks? Is that average? Right. What is average? I don't know what that word even means at my age. So when I was in second grade, I really hated school. Second grade? Yeah.

So I really hated school and I would always ask, I would always ask to go to the nurse. What is school in that second grade? I don't like it. It's recess and music. Yeah. I guess I just like missed my mom. You're like playing the tambourine and kickball. How bad is learning how to play the recorder?

I'm like, I need to go home. My mother is there. I want to be near her. This isn't good. Don't fucking tell me about an explorer. Are we all not with our moms today? This is okay. Sherry, say something.

You were sad about it. My mom just fucking dropped me off and I'm just hanging out with these jokesters. I tell what, three? So if I shit my pants, who's going to wipe my ass? Andy? No, he's also seven. But I used to always ask to go to the nurse and I would always try to go home and the nurse would always just be like, lie down for 20 minutes and she'd be like, do you

feel better? Do you have to go back to class? Just like, you're not going to go home. Let me know if you're like really sick. And I was like, fuck, you know, I just go back. And then there was one day where I lost my starter jacket and I was very, very upset about it. This is not okay.

And I went to the nurse and like, I didn't even know what to do. I just, I just wanted to go home. And I was like, I have headache, but then I broke down and I started crying. And as soon as I started crying and saying I want it like that I felt sick, a phone call instant. So I like, I learned this like the secret key to getting home. And then from that moment on, I would lose my jacket. I, I, well, I just, I, so once I cried and they asked me what, like, cause they took

my temperature. Like what was it? And they, they figured out like my parents and the nurse were like, we think he gets migraines. So as soon as they said that I get migraines, I could fucking just get a migraine whenever I wanted. By saying you have one? Yeah.

All I had to do was say I had a migraine and I never went to school when I had one. Cause migraines are this magical thing that like does, there's no, there's no like, yeah, there's no evidence beyond saying your head hurts. Like, yeah, that's it. I would fuck with my kid if they did that. I would say like, Oh, you have a migraine. You know, it would help as if we go to the doctor and he gives you the surgery where he sticks a knife in your brain.

Right. Well, my mom used to say like, Oh, you haven't, we were going to, we were all going to go out to dinner tonight or like, we're all going to go to the park this week, like shit that I wanted to do. I think I might feel better, but I don't know if I just rest for a little bit. You playing Game Boy in bed soon. You became the Game Boy seven year old. We should, when your mom was on the show, we should ask her like how, how much of the

stuff that she believed migraines, the throwing up, where it was just soda and cornflakes in the toilet. Yeah. I bet like, I mean, that's another layer too. Like that just must be hard for parents if like what, if the kid is like, I'm really sick and one parent is just like, you're a fucking liar. The other one's like, no, I really think he's ill. Well, that's also wrong.

It's the risk of being wrong. The other way is also like kind of like, you don't want to be the parents like, ah, shut up and go to school. It's like, well, Jake was vomiting everywhere and he said, uh, that he was complaining about at home. Right. That's like traumatizing. Like in the, in the middle of gym, like everybody saw him.

They call him puke boy now. No son of mine is a puke boy. He said you didn't believe him. Didn't you see the vomit? Yeah. But he'll sometimes just fucking lie about shit. It's like the boy who cried wolf with him already. Uh, what was this guy's question?

Oh yeah. Hit on the girl that hits on you back. Yeah. Ask her out or whatever. Dumbass. I wouldn't do it if he just, if he like has no interest in her. What is he? Oh, because why does he think that he has, she has no interest.

He, no, he doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't like her, but she likes him and he doesn't know if he should hook up with her. So don't. Or go on a date, but then like chug mustard beans beforehand. And then it's like, when you get there, you can fake sickness. I guess. Yeah. Just like, just don't, but you probably will.

That's what'll happen because maybe he's playing cool. He's like, I don't really like her, but maybe I'll fucking go out. How long does that really last? Like, oh, this girl wants to hook up with you. Like, oh, no, I'm too cool for that. All right. And then like next weekend you're, everybody. And then you have one drink and there's nobody there and you're like, maybe I'll call her

or something. Then you're marrying her. As long as you're always drunk while you're doing it, hammered at your own wedding. You're renewing your vows. Um, let's ask, always puking beans. Let's answer one more question real quick. Give me one more, uh, name or, uh, word to search. Okay.

I'll, I'll, I'll come up with it. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, thunder. Very cool. All right. There's a couple. Oh. Okay. All right.

One, two. Hmm. There's not a lot. Okay. I'm gonna go with that one. Two. Hmm. There's not a lot.

Okay. How about I give you all the subjects and then you choose based on that. Which one has the shortest subject? Um, oh, there's one with the star. That's perfect. Yeah. Do you want to read the one with the star? Yeah.

Okay. That means it was certified pre-approved back in 2013. Oh, shit. I hope this guy's still alive. Dear Jake and Amir. Well, it all started summer of 2012 when the boy I was crushing on, we needed this person to have a name. Um, is it a lady or a boy?

Lady. Hmm. Beyonce. Beyonce, uh, was crushing on all session, kissed me goodbye. So we came back to camp this past summer. We both knew it was going down. Well, hell yeah. We hooked up the whole summer in that fun, secret, inconspicuous locations camp style.

He was so nice and funny during camp and in the camp play, he was Danny Zuko. So we always joked around that I was sandy, needless to say, summer loving had me a blast. We were really sad to say goodbye, but he made sure to bring up next summer and how awesome it'd be if we both came back. So I'd say we were both pretty into each other. When I got home, I struck up a few conversations via text and was kind of disappointed with the result. Now I am very aware what this sort of relationship is and was not trying to make more of it, uh,

what it is by texting him happy birthday and expecting a conversation afterwards. The kid just wouldn't text me back on multiple occasions. So I felt mad dumb always starting them, knowing that he'll cut it by not responding. He is my only camp friend that I don't hit up because of this, but I really missed that boy. Was he just nice to me because there was the opportunity of hooking up? Is he a free Thunderbird and is by no means in a long distance relationship with me? Sorry.

Is he a free Thunderbird and is by is by no means in a long distance relationship with me? So am I overreacting? Anyway, my best friends from camp are all meeting up for New Year's Eve and I'm worried that he's lost interest in me completely. Or is he just using me in the moments he can? I could really use a guy's perspective on this. Love you guys.

Beyonce. Uh, summer love and indeed. Summer flings. Don't think this is exactly what happened increase. And then they's like, oh, yeah, you know, whatever. Yeah. Like daddy. Yeah.

Sandy. She's wearing level now. What a bad message that movie sends that like cards fucking her right then is that we're going to work and then Sandy wears and then like it's kind of cute because he shows up wearing a cardigan and she and she shows up wearing leather and he's like, oh, right. We changed for each other. But now I go back because you changed for me. Ultimately.

Yeah. You stay the same. I'll change back. Sandy. Sandy. Oh, you're wearing a leather chest. I said, I wonder why. It seems like if he's not texting back, then he's not as interested.

Yeah. It's kind of lame though, because he like, well, you should. I don't even know. He should just text her back. Like she's, she's right. She's not trying to like, wife him up or anything or like being a long distance relationship. It's just normal to sort of like chat a little bit. Yeah.

He should have been more polite about it. Right. But don't really. It seems like she's more into it than he is. Yeah. You can't read into it very much if it's like a summer fling. Summer fling. Summer fling.

Ripped at the seams, but oh, oh, oh, no, oh, Sandy, oh, I'm coming, I got chills, Sandy. They're multiplying. What was, what was, what was Grease two about? I don't know. It was just Frenchie at beauty school for four and a half hours taking an exam. It was really raising his baby, but yeah, people like Grease two. Did they? It's like Amanda's favorite movie.

I don't think I've ever saw it. Yeah. Is John Travolta in it? No, I don't think anyone's in it. Nice. Then again, I don't know anything. Neither do I. Except for this guy is not into this gal.

Yeah. And she should ignore him and then also ignore him at camp because you don't hook up and then ghost and then get to hook up again. Oh, wow. You hook up with somebody else at the camp. Yeah. She should show up to camp dressed like in a leather pants and a tight top. Arm in arm with Knicky.

Holy shit. Tell me about it, stud. What a fucking great move. Yeah. So you hook up or you bring your schoolboy. You get a high. I'm the schoolboy. Right.

He's the Game Boy's cousin. Yeah. I am the Game Boy and I am schoolboy. And get this. What? You hear what you say when he says, what's up, babe? What? You say, sorry.

What? Ghosts don't come back to life. That's really good. Yeah. And then he's like, I actually wrote you every day. Yeah. I've been writing you letters. I have T-Mobile and the service sucks ass.

Really? Look at all these undelivered eye messages. All right. The time stamp. The schoolboy. Get the fuck out of here. I love the ghosts. This other dude's hot.

I'm down to fuck Casper any day of the week. So have some pride. Don't come crawling back to this game, this boy. Yeah. And if it's anything like the summer camp that all my friends went to, you're going to be hooking up with literally everybody there. It's a back and alien Jew orgy where you don't even know where one penis ends and the other begins.

Everyone's just touching each other's genitals at camp. Just mashing wet gennies all day. Yeah, wet gennies. Listen, that is the Jews' revenge to Hitler because they were like, yeah, you're going to put us in camps, Hitler. And then they go to these. We're like, we're going to make our own camps where everyone fucks all the time. Yeah.

How's that? I'm going to get fingered for the first third and fifth time. Every odd time I get fingered, it'll be at Jew camp, ass. There's nothing you can do about it because you blew your brains in a bunker. Hey, come on. Don't be so hard on the guy. You're right. You're right.

It's not nice to speak ill of the dead. All right. That was a solid Super Bowl recap. In conclusion, the Denver defense did enough to win the game and it just wasn't here. I really thought Kim was unstoppable, but that is, it was just not, it was not the case. Did you see his press conference where he wiped his tears by dabbing? Oh, very sad dab. Yeah.

You know what? I mean, the story, it is a nice story because this is Peyton's last one and it was Cam's, Cam's going to have another chance. Yeah. He's a young in. There was largest age discrepancy between two starting quarterbacks. Very cool. Also largest.

Cam probably had three for more yards. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Almost double. Wow. Largest race discrepancy too. Yeah.

Because Cam is very black and Peyton is very white. Exactly. Yeah. It doesn't get more white than Peyton Manning. He is. He is a Papa John's pizza. Yeah. He is a white pie.

Yes. That's right. That's correct. He's a state farm ad. Yeah. He's a, I guess a walking Budweiser ad now. Yeah. Wow.

Twice mentioned. He's like, I'm going to sit down and drink Budweiser beer, Budweiser beer and I don't know. Maybe we're tired. He said twice there was two of them. Did you see that? Yeah. Two post game interviews where they asked what he did.

He said the exact same thing. He's like, I'm going to kiss my wife, drink a bunch of beer. It's amazing. Drive home. Completely hammered. He's like, just nailed their message like, I'm going to kiss my wife, hug my kids, drink Budweiser and thank God. Ride a fucking Clydesdale all the way back to Omaha.

Shit. Sorry. My, my headphones came untone. Oh, it's technical difficulties more than anything else. We're still recording. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, your own anything, send it over to ifirishow at gmail.com. Cannot stress the fact that we're going to Austin enough.

Yeah. If you haven't already bought a ticket during this episode, we're going to have a fucking straight up telethon for these shows. It's going to make Jew camp look like a Mormon festival. I promise you, I will finger you or jerk you off if you come to this show. Oh, I wouldn't. As long as they're of legal age. What?

It shouldn't be a big deal. It still feels like a stretch. I'll, yeah, I'll finger a jerk off anybody that comes to the shows. All right. I just wish we didn't print that on the tickets. That opening theme song was written by, what was that guy's name again? Clear pioneer. Can you break out your computer?

I sent it to you. But now I forget. Good pioneer, clear pioneer, I think it's clear pioneer. Let's find out. It is da, da, da, da, da, clear pioneer. And the closing one was written by, oh, this is why you do it. Closer street lamp, Daniel Price. Oh, wait.

You just wrote closer in the email. Yeah. Street lamp. By Daniel Price. Street lamp. I don't know why it says street lamp, man. It just says Daniel Price, actually. Maybe that's his band name.

Street lamp. Daniel Price. Things are falling apart. Google them. We gotta, we gotta end the show. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. That was a hate gum podcast.