If I Were You - 20: March Madness

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

In this episode Amir gives Jake a pop quiz, then they discuss food poisoning and workshop a Jake and Amir episode.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear! Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. I'm ready to go back to being insulted. Now let me to two emphatic hoes. Sadness. I'm ready to go back to being insulted.

Yeah. It's too much, it's too nice, it's too good, it's too positive. And now the backlash to the backlash has now becoming overwhelming. Mm, okay. So the original theme song was nasty to us and people were like, it has to be nicer to you.

Right. And now people are mad at this new nicer theme song. Yeah, let's react to the reaction and send it back and put the old one back in action. That's really good. What about a third one? Ooh, we'll just keep on making Ferris do this and say it's all included in the original fee.

It's all inclusive. If you read the fine print fairs, you'll know. We have unlimited revisions and unlimited time. So we're requesting yet another revision, which is in the original scope of the work, which you did do for internship experience, if you remember. 5.25 dollars per hour.

And we billed it at a half an hour of work. So you received $2.75 in kind to create. Yes, and we build it at a half an hour of work mm-hmm so you receive 275 in kind and create and did you not get a lunch stipend or at the very least you had access to the pantry where We have free snacks. I actually saw him taking a granola bar Oh, and I I slapped it out of the good because I said you were taking advantage of our Do you not take it home because I heard he took one and I and I invoiced him for it You know what he did I slapped it out of his hand and he grabbed it and he scurried off I didn't even see where he went. I think he took one and I invoiced him for it. You know what he did? I slapped it out of his hand and he grabbed it and he scurried off. I didn't even see where he went.

I think he went to a fucking hole. I didn't think he went to a ferret wheel or a ferris wheel or a manchy house or something like that. It was all way, way, way too much. Yeah, way too much, way too soon. Way too crass, way too blue, way too tacky. So what he does owe us is a third option slash iteration. Let's not call it third and final. It's not polished. It is not a final. It's not on vinyl. Yeah, this is just an iteration. And it's an iteration. And I'm wondering if

that should be somewhere that splits the difference where it's like not necessarily mean or not necessarily nice. Right. Yeah, just a neutral theme. A neutral theme. A neutral, it's not positive or negative. It's just meet your two hosts. Yeah, something like that. In 2010, they were fine on the internet. Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah, sort of a neutral theme hotel, if that makes sense. Right, yes, instead of a neutral milk hotel.

Oh yeah, I guess that is a band. Anyway, welcome to segments. We're still in the lab slash studio. That's why you feel a palpable energy. That's true. So if you're watching us, this is the episode to start basically. Or I guess if you're listening,

this is the episode to start watching us. We're on the YouTube, so you can watch this entire thing and all of our episodes really. We got some great segments today. We do. One of them I'm most excited about and it's a little true or false game

that I've concocted. It's a quiz. It's a quiz lit, it's a pop quiz really. Because you don't know that it was coming. And I'm telling you right now, this is a true or false game. And if you get them all right, which you won't do, it's impossible.

It's like the idea of calling 20 coin- How many questions are there? Probably like 10 or so. Okay, I could get those all right. I'll even give you nine. If you get nine of 10 correct, I will kiss your ankle on video. So like it's sort of like a really demeaning thing.

There'll be a video of me just kissing your ankle and you can just be checking your phone. So like, it'll go viral as like something I did. It'll go viral. Yeah, it's like, oh my God, what the hell is happening here? That's so weird. That's kind of fascinating. Yeah.

I think for it to be- I really just wanna kiss your foot. Yeah, for it to be interesting to me, I would need you to post it on your Instagram. So a video of me kissing your ankle on Instagram. Okay, and I'll do that if you get nine out of 10 correctly. All right, and no consequence if I don't because it's obviously way too hard.

Yeah, it's way too hard. All right, great. Although now that I think about it, these are kind of a little bit easy. Really, is there a theme? No, it's just sort of weird facts that I've either created or found by asking people or searching the web.

Okay, and I really want that ankle kiss. And it sounds like you want it. So is there a world where we just start with a fucking kiss, get it out of the way, then we can do the whatever the kiss? Let's kiss the ankle, let's take the video, and then it will be posted if I get nine. But we get the first two wrong, and it's like, all right.

Shit, let's start over. We get two mulligans, and I can do eight out of 10. So six out of 10, which is still slightly above random, which is fine. Which is pretty good. Which is actually pretty good. iPhone has a trash. iPhone has a trash. iPhone has a trash. So you know how in your computer

you can drag things to the trash? Yeah. Your iPhone also has a trash. True or false? Well, I know there's the recently deleted photos. So that is... In a way a trash. In a way a trash.

But like does your entire phone, like all of the photos, any app when you delete it, it all goes into this folder called the trash folder. No, I'll say that's false. That's correct, that was false. iPhone does not have a trash. Okay. Great.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Shit! Why don't you kiss my knee now? And we'll work your way down. For every question I get right, you kiss one inch lower on my leg.

And then it'll finally get to the most embarrassing spot, mine ankle. But kissing my calf is fine. Muted shin, that's okay. And if you get it wrong, I go up. If I win, I get all the way to your shoulder to kiss. Yeah. That was just embarrassing for you.

Data has weight. Huh? A full hard drive weighs more than an empty hard drive. Oh, I think that's true. That is false. Oh, shit. Yeah. All right, so I have to be perfect the rest of the time. Yeah. Technically, it. Yeah. All right, so I have to be perfect the rest of the time. Yeah.

Technically, it has like an electron, but those things are basically weightless. So a full hard drive weighs as much to us as an FD1. That's a good fact, because I would have thought it was like barely, like it's imperceptibly heavier, but I would have believed that. Yeah.

Okay. We have taste buds elsewhere on our body, not just our tongue. So like I could taste something with my dick. I didn't say that. Cause that's definitely false, but the things that we know as taste buds that we assume are only on our tongue actually exist elsewhere in our bodies. The things that we know as taste buds that we assume are only on our tongue

actually exist elsewhere in our bodies. It sounds like I'll regret saying this because that's so out there to me that I can't think that it's true and I'm gonna say false. It's true. We do have taste buds elsewhere in our bodies. Did it say where?

Yeah, they said it's definitely in other parts of your mouth, like your cheeks and the palate of your mouth. Not that you can necessarily taste, but you have taste buds there. How did you phrase this question? You have taste buds elsewhere in your body. Elsewhere in your body, other than I wouldn't, I thought we were talking about mouth.

Okay, but there are- Of course there's, yeah, in your mouth. I will say there's some in your anus. No? Yeah, that's what I found, that there's some in your anus. And then the follow-up question was like, so you can taste stuff with your anus? And it's like, no, not necessarily,

because it's not directly linked to your brain. Fine, fine, fine. Okay, let's just call the first three ones practice, because honestly, data has weight also was very kind of 50-50 as the stuff I found online. Right, okay, if I run a perfect game from here, I get that ankle kiss. Okay, the next few ones are objective.

They're not like kind of a gray area like that. But again, if you learned one thing, it's that data has weight that's so electronically insignificant that it doesn't, and you do have taste buds in your anus, but you can't actually taste with that. Right, you can't taste with your ass. Don't try that at home.

Correct, okay, here's one that's very cut and dry. Dogs are the most popular pet in America. In America, are dogs more popular than cats? More popular than snakes? More popular than gerbils and goldfish? I think fish might be more popular than dogs. Let's go ahead and say False it's true. I know it's true

But we can't be talking about per capita per volume people probably have more fish than dogs To yeah, are they even counting fish? I don't if I run a perfect game from here. I do have to lick your toe. Yeah, so far you're technically one of four. Okay, that's not bad. Which is honestly more impressive than going like three of four. Because you're doing really, really poorly. Beets are known as nature's multivitamin. No, I don't think they are at all, because beets are not that good.

That is correct! Yes! Eggs are known as nature's multivitamin. Good on nature. Eggs. There once was a president named John Tyler. That sounds familiar. I'll go ahead and say true.

That's correct! Nice! He was our 10th true. That's correct. Nice. He was our 10th president. 10th, not bad. What did Johnny T get up to? He killed himself in the White House. Yeah. Only president to do that.

Electricuted himself to death. Didn't hear about that more. Kinda neat. Yeah, you mostly hear about the assassinations. There once he self-assassinated. Really? Only president to do that. Is it an assassination if a world leader kills,

like did Hitler assassinate himself? No, I don't think. That's correct. Oh wow. There once was a vice president named George Clinton. Ooh. Let's take a break. Jake's gonna think about this for a second.

Now that's fascinating. Did he have a pet fish? He did. Oh, maybe he's not real. So I can't say either way. Oh, did you try to trip me up with a fake, fake oh I don't, I'll say no there was not. Now you're sipping nervously. That's really tricky. No there was not a Now you're sipping nervously.

That's really tricky. No there was not a vice president named George Clinton. Yeah, false. That's incorrect. That's true. There was a vice president named George Clinton. When? In the early 1800s.

I should have known that. It sounded familiar. At this point I'm afraid I won't even shake your leg. I'm totally, I'm out on this kiss, aren't I? It's just not gonna happen today. Not gonna happen for me. Three left. Okay.

And they're fun. Yeah. Butterflies were originally called flutterbys. That's no, no they were not. Oh wait, but flutterby, they do flutterby. They do flutterby, don't they? But do they butterfly? Flutterby's, were they originally called Flutterby's?

You could phone a friend, can't I? Could I call Ben again? It sounds too cute, too cheeky, and for some reason I just don't buy it. I'll say false. That is correct. That was from Avital, who actually did think that they were called flutterbys,

but then when we looked it up, that's just an old wives tale. But honestly, they should be called flutterbys. I guess so. Because butterflies makes no sense. Flutterbys is perfect for them. Yeah, but-er-fly. Yeah, no, like what?

What is that talking about? It's an nothing burger. It's a flutterby, yeah. 51 is a prime number. Oh! Remind me what a prime number is. It's like a number like seven that's only divisible by itself in one.

Oh yeah. 10 is not a prime number because it's divisible by five, two. True. 51 is a prime number. It's only divisible by one and itself. I literally can't think of anything else that would even remotely divide 51. It's incorrect.

51 is not. Yeah, three. Three. I know, that's what I was going to say. Three. 48 is divisible by three, 45 is divisible by three, and 51 is divisible by three. I know, but what would you divide it by?

17 and three. Yeah. That's exactly right. Correct. Then we agree. Kiss my soul on my shoe. Lick my watch. And watch my lick.

A Flutterby style. Last one. And this one's really cheek lick. Nice. A flutter by style. Last one. Yeah. And this one's really cheeky. Yeah. Nothing's right, I'm torn. Embrookalia. I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel.

Torn by Natalie Embrookalia is a cover. That's Embrookalia slander. You're calling that song unoriginal it's not a cover that is false incorrect in the early 90s Natalie you lied to me let me get this right but Natalie and brookly a. Oh my God. By a band in the early 90s called, gosh. Oh, Edna Swap. Edna Swap. Edna Swap.

Interesting. Yeah. That's crazy. Edna Swap. Edna Sw, Edna's WAP. Edna's WAP, torn. It sounds almost entirely like Natalie Imbroglia's version. I don't know why just like eight years later, she covered it and it was such a hit.

Yeah. But I guess that's how it goes sometimes. I just lost a lot of respect for Miss Imbroglia. ["Fight"] Yeah, this sounds like Imbroglia. ["Fight"] Showed me what it was to cry. Yeah, this sounds like Imbroglia doing a more metal version of her song.

Yeah. Seemingly identical. Yeah, great song. Really great song. Great song, yeah. I couldn't believe it was a cover. Also from Avi Tall. So thanks to Avi Tall. Thanks to you.

I think you got less than half correct. Yeah, no for sure. The George Clinton one was certainly incorrect, 51 a prime number. It was a bad start and you didn't stick the landing. No, a kiss was on the line and I botched it. Yeah, I think your hottest streak was Beats not being a nature's multivitamin,

straight into John Tyler. Right, and I think those were the only ones I got. Flutterby's was correct, you got that one right. Oh yeah, Flutterby's, okay, yeah. Although that one is honestly borderline should be true. Right. That was fun. No it wasn't. No it wasn't.

That was embarrassing to me. That was, it was hard to play, the math thing. That wasn't right, you embarrassed me. You came at me, you set me up to fail. to play the math thing. That wasn't right. You embarrassed me. You came at me. You set me up to fail. You knew I wasn't gonna do well there. That's why you put the kiss on the line

because you knew I wanted it and you knew you weren't gonna have to do it. So now I'm sad that I'm not getting kissed. I'm sad that I look pretty stupid on camera in front of Casey. On Reddit for sure. Yeah, in front of a lot of people. The one thing I got right was the dog thing.

You didn't get the dog thing. You said fish. That's pretty messed up. That's pretty messed up and Torn is one of my favorite songs and now I actually know a fact that I wish I didn't. That's one of the worst parts. Sorry. It's whatever.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Bless you. Did I sneeze? No, I was blessing them for sponsoring us. Oh, I see. Squarespace is the greatest way to build a website. Gaiazuntite.

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Really? But B-U-Y Rodney.com. You wanna purchase Rodney. Yeah. A hello or a chair or something like that. You can buy Rodney things. Right, that's actually very interesting. I might cop that.

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remember squarespace.com. Yup. Slash segments. Right on. Thanks Squarespace. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Holy smokes, Jake, you sleep on a Helix. Yeah, I'm in LA right now.

Which means you live on a Helix. I miss my Helix. You didn't bring it out? No, I should have. I should have. Well, you know how easy it is to take their't bring it out? No, I should have. Well, you know how easy it is to take their sleep quiz, right?

Yes, well, not easy, but let's not call it a quiz. I don't like that language. It's like a two minute quiz. You say how you sleep and then they match you with a perfect mattress. They say what? They say what? Based on your answers, they choose.

Can you say what they say? They select. What do the talking points say? Why don't you read it verbatim instead of calling the quiz easy? Well, it's like a two minute quiz. Does it say that it's easy? It's a sleep quiz.

Great. Great. Why don't you stick to the talking points, asshole? Right? Why are you mad at me? Because you're calling the quiz easy and it's actually more of a test. No, it's not a test, it's a very simple quiz.

It's actually very important. Yeah, I agree that it's important. It's complicated. Yeah, it's a sleep quiz you take, they ask you like, how do you sleep? What do you prefer? And then they match you with a perfect mattress. That's right for you.

That's true. Yes, and that personalized mattress is shipped right to your door, free of charge. Oh yeah, that's true too. There's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it. So they offer a 100 night trial and a 10 to 15 year warranty

to try out your new Helix mattress. Holy shit, but look, you're not gonna need it because the mattress is kind of goated. And now Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Right on. You just go to helixsleep.com slash segments and use the code helixpartner20.

Helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. So hop on it right now if you need to upgrade your mattress, which borderline everyone has to. Yeah, yeah. Go to helixsleep.com slash segments and use that code helixpartner20, all one word, at checkout.

Love it. Thank you, Helix. Thank you. Thank you. And we've returned. Indeed. Finally, another tale of illness. Another body woe story.

Yeah, you were, we were supposed to do something on Friday and then on Thursday, you got violently ill. Yeah. I got food poisoned, everybody. I thought by the end of the story, it was not food poisoning, but let's take us through and you can die. I'm now back around to thinking it was food poisoning.

So take us to the start, the beginning. Okay. So very beginning. I'm first of all just feeling on top of the world. You're in LA for a week. In LA, the sun is shining, things are good. We've got the baby, we've got Jill. Jill's mom is visiting, she's looking after the baby. We're like, oh, you know what?

We don't even do this back at home. Let's go get breakfast together. That's nice. We go off, we get coffee. We eat raw eggs, we eat raw salmon. It was a really cute interaction that food poisoned us in the first place. We're ordering and Joe was like-

It was a food poison cute. Yeah, she was like, oh, can I have a glass, can I do some orange juice? And I was like, ooh, that sounds good. And then she said, do you want one? And I said, I'll just drink some of hers. And we like, it was cute. Did a little fucking nose Eskimo kiss.

Yeah. And it was like, oh, that's sweet. We're gonna split an orange juice. This, remember this, because that is what killed us. It's a sliding doors moment that ruined your life. Irreparably so. Absolutely. So we then inevitably have a kind of awkward interaction

about the orange juice even a few minutes later because the lady forgets the orange juice. Oh wow, she was almost trying to cosmically save you. Yeah, forgot the orange juice. We're standing there with our coffee. Jill's like, should I ask? Like, yeah, like you can ask. She goes up, she kind of is getting ignored

by everybody that's working there. She says, excuse me, somebody walks by her. I really like the juice now. She contemplates leaving. Just leaving the juice. And then she like gets this lady's attention, asks about the juice, and then the lady kind of acts like she hadn't forgotten about the juice.

Like, no, I gotcha. Yeah, like you're being impatient, but like she was making matcha she hadn't forgotten about the juice. Like, no, I gotcha. Yeah, like you're being impatient, but like she was making matcha, she'd forgotten about the juice. She was already passed you guys's order. But definitely kind of wanted to make Jill feel bad about the interaction. So we got the juice, nothing's gonna ruin our day.

No. We go off, we get a pastry at the place next door. How does it work with coffee and juice? Are you like entirely juice and then you move on? Can you switch back and forth? Those are two very different drinks. Yeah, I would normally in my, if it's me, I would drink some orange juice, you know,

kick off the day, palate cleanse with some water and then coffee. Like a shot. Yeah, but it was Jill's juice and I was just gonna have some of it. Yeah, it's Jill's juice, we're just living in it. I just ignored it entirely. I ate a croissant, I drank my coffee,

and then kind of midway through, Jill poured some juice into her empty coffee cup and gave it to me. Interesting, okay. I downed the juice, it was great. Good juice. Juice-wise, it was fine. We're going to the car, juice-wise, it was fine.

It was good. And I was a little worried about the citrus in the coffee, but it was fine, it was great. No was good. And you know, I was a little worried about the citrus in the coffee, but it didn't, it was fine. It was great. No heartburn, no duty in the pants situation. No, but we're going to the car, and Jill's like, I think I drank the coffee too fast. My stomach hurts.

Oh, interesting. That quickly. Yeah, and I was like, oh, it's, you know, you're fine, whatever. That's cool. You sort of gas littered it, and made her think that she was actually fine. Don't worry, don't worry, kid.

Your stomach doesn't hurt. Yeah, you're stuffing that in her. You're often complaining about shit. It started out to be kind of all right. So I drop her off at home, everything's good. I come in, I believe we recorded a podcast with Jeff. Nice to know you can go back and watch that one and just sort of see if there's any signs of-

At the end I was starting to feel like, yeah, I was like slow, I was like, okay, I feel a little off. Yeah. Which is what Jill felt as soon as you guys left. But I almost felt like I just had brain fog or something. Just like maybe even I had had too much caffeine or something.

But then I had that meeting with me, you and Marty. I'm sort of starting to fade a little bit. Yeah, I noticed that. You were sort of hunched over. You didn't wanna shoot the basketball. I didn't wanna shoot the basketball. I was sitting there. I was just sitting.

You guys were shooting basketball, I was just sitting. Then you guys all went to lunch. And I was like, well, I have to go to the, I gotta go to the Valley. I gotta go record. I'm not gonna eat anything. I was just like. Breakfast tacos.

And you weren't even interested. No, I wasn't hungry. And I was feeling. You weren't hungry you think of because of the ill effects of the juice situation? I was, yeah, at that point I was like, I think, there's something off in my stomach. And I, at that point was thinking like,

maybe it was something that we ate this morning, but I'm like, but it's not a big deal. Yeah. It's not a big deal. Did your brain flash, did Jill also not feeling well or no? No, I didn't even really think about that. I was just like, I bet I just need to take a shit and everything's gonna be fine.

Then I drive, as I'm driving to the valley to record an ad pod, I'm like, my eyes are glazing over. I'm like, I kind of start to have the chills. Kind of like when you got that tetanus shot. Yeah, and I'm like, man, should I bail on this other recording? But then I'm like, I don should I like bail on this other recording?

But then I'm like, I don't wanna do that, I gotta show up, I don't wanna not record. Especially because when it's internal like that, it's hard to like tell people, like I just feel a little weird. If it's like an open sore, then they can see it. Yeah, I wasn't ready to cancel, it was just like, I feel weird.

I didn't feel sick, I was like, I feel weird. Something's happening, but maybe it's just one of those, sometimes you get that fog after lunch. But you didn't feel sick. I was like, I feel weird. Something's happening, but maybe it's just one of those, sometimes you get that fog after lunch. But you didn't eat. No, but sometimes you get some brain fog and you just shake it off and you feel fine. Like you ate too much or something. So I thought that was gonna happen,

but I get there, we recorded. Oh wow. Got the full episode. Wow. But as we were ending, I stood up and I was like, I have to go home. I think something is happening to me. And they had no idea you didn't feel well all during that break. No, they were surprised. So I think I like, my adrenaline was going and I was able to like role play

and be in the zone in that point. Interesting. So you weren't really feeling the ill effects while recording. No, I mean, I was feeling like, I was feeling like a weird like buzz throughout my body, but not like, I wasn't feeling feeling like I was feeling like I was feeling like I was feeling like I was. No, I mean, I was feeling like,

I was feeling like a weird like buzz throughout my body, but not like, I wasn't feeling faint or tired yet. Okay. And at this point I'm like, okay, I think I probably have some kind of light food poisoning is what I keep on saying in my head. Light food poisoning, which is not serious. And I probably just need to like take a nap and I'll feel fine.

Yeah. If I was sick, I would have been way sicker than this. But I also know that Jill, if I texted her and I say, I feel weird, do you, if she doesn't, she will suddenly be like, oh my God, do I have food poisoning? I'm scared, now I start to feel sick. So I just text. Munchausen by proxy.

Yeah, yeah. So I text her, how are you? Because I feel great. Yeah, just no context, like how you doing? And she texted me back that she's like, I feel so sick, green pukey emoji. My mom is with Gemma, like I'm in bed. Wow, she didn't text you that.

She waited for you to reach out. Yeah, I mean, I don't think she had the strength to text me that earlier, because she had way more of this juice than I did. So it knocked her out. And then I'm driving home, and at that point, I'm like- The opposite. Yeah.

Her green puke emoji is like, oh shit. I'm like- It's coursing through your veins. I'm swaying. I'm in the HOV lane, even though I have just me in the car. I'm just trying to, I need to get home. You have to assume Giardi as a fucking passenger

at this point. That's right. The parasite in my stomach that counts as a person. So I get home, I walk in, Jill's mom is there with Gemma. Gemma's like smiling, reaches for me. I'm like, oh, hey, sweetie. And I don't even have the energy to take my clothes off, just go in, fall into the bed,

and I just start moaning. I'm like, ah. Full body or stomach? It's, you know I famously have never had a stomach ache before, right? Yeah, you know, Jill's mom said that the next day. And I said, isn't that patently false? Because you had food poisoning in Paris.

You also had some sort of diarrhea slash stomach issue in Mexico when we were together. But it's never manifested as a stomach ache for me. OK. It always feels like my head feels really tired and I feel like dizzy up in my head. You never had a pain in your stomach. No. Got it. and I feel dizzy up in my head. You never had a pain in your stomach.

No. Got it. Save for, I guess if I'm running, I felt like what it feels like to have a cramp right here. Muscle cramp, yeah. But this was the first time I had, there was like, somebody was like ringing my stomach out. Which is maybe gas or something like that. Yeah, so I'm lying down and just,

I'm like, this'll pass, this'll pass. It's not food poisoning, food for every. Get rid of it somehow. But then I stood up and I'm like, I think I might throw up. I think I might throw up to like two seconds later. No! Like a fucking geyser coming out of my mouth. And it's what food?

Cause you didn't have anything since the juice and the croissant. It was dinner the night, I mean there were just any- Is it possible it was dinner the night before and not the juice? Cause Jill felt it instantly. Yeah, I really think it was the juice. What did you have for dinner the night before?

Dare I ask. Raw chicken. That's what it was. Yeah. It had to have been. Cause Jill's mom, she ate dinner with That's what it was. Yeah. No, we, cause Jill's mom ate, she ate dinner with us and she was fine. Yeah. The only thing that just Jill and I ate was this juice.

The juice. Yeah. Okay. I also believe that like, you just know in your heart, what it, like your body just is telling you what it is. Yeah. So yeah, anyway, then I start, I started violently puking.

That kind of, I sleep for 20 or 30 minutes at a time, wake up, throw up from like 4 p.m. until the middle of the night, then I slept until like nine. On and off puking, Jill also? Jill, she has an aversion to throwing up and she is able to like shut her body down. Yeah. But the body needs to throw up.

That's like a good thing to throw up. Yeah, she just, she can't do it. Okay. But she never, so she never threw up. And she was also like a bit more sturdy than I was. Yeah. Like I saw her the next day and you were still at home convalescing.

Yeah. And even that night, I think at one point I woke up in a daze and I saw Jill washing Gemma's bottle. I'm like, what are you doing? You can't do that. You're dead. We should be dead together. We should be dead together. If Jill's mom weren't here,

Gemma would just be crawling over our corpses. I don't know what she would have done. I'm like a cat eating you guys. Really have no idea what she would have done because I did not have the strength or wherewithal to even be aware of where she was. I guess if Jill's mom was not there, maybe I would have sprung into action.

But it sounds like Jill would have. Yeah, Jill would have handled it. So yeah, then it sounds like Jill would've. Yeah, Jill would've. Jill would've handled it. So yeah, then the next day Micah comes. And you feel emptier but better? Yeah, I even recorded on Friday. Oh wow. But I was like, I was just grateful to not be throwing up, you know?

I felt like a little hollow, a little fragile, almost like I had been really hung over the day before. Right, but now you're okay. But now I'm like, okay. Oh, we're supposed to play tennis on Friday, and you're like, I'm in a weakened state. That couldn't have happened, but I'm just coming back online.

Micah comes, we all hang out, we order dinner. The next day, we have a great day. This is Saturday. He and I go on a run around the reservoir. Things are good. We're looking forward to the weekend. It's gonna be great. We cook dinner, we barbecue on Friday night,

or no, Saturday night. And we're like, okay, tomorrow Jill and Mike are gonna go to yoga at 8 a.m. I'll hang out with the baby. Then we're gonna go vintage shopping. Then we're gonna meet up with Ben. Just have this whole entire day planned, it's really great.

Wake up in the morning to just hear Micah puking his brains out. Okay, so at this point you gotta think it's not a food poisoning. Right, so Jill is like, I think we have norovirus, which is like a stomach bug that's really contagious. Yeah. And you know, Micah.

24 hour bug. Yeah, and Micah's just puking, he's in a sorry state, we feel awful. And you're like, I know what you feel like, I felt like that three days ago. Yeah, and he's like, when did you stop throwing up? And I was like, I think you have another hour, you should be done.

So I feel awful for him, you know? He flew into a disease. Yeah, flew into a disease. New York to LA. Like, come stay with us, we'll take care of you. But I instantly kill him. All of our plans are just gone, they're not gonna happen. Yeah.

And that was when we started thinking that we had this norovirus thing. So why do you think it's back to food poisoning? Well, cause then I texted everybody, texted the D&D crew. I'm like, I had spent the entire day with them. I'm like, okay, I might have just given everybody a stomach flu, how is everybody feeling?

But nobody else is sick. Interesting. Jill's mom's not sick. Yeah. Gemma's fine. Gemma's fine, which apparently, when you have this, when you have a flu like this, the mom like actually creates antibodies in the breast milk

and feeds them to the baby, which is really magical and awesome. That's nice to hear. So yeah, Gemma was like with Jill but is protected through the breast milk. But then we realized that Micah, the one thing he did was shower in our bathroom because we have a really awesome shower.

Do you think it was from the juice to the shower to Micah? I think it was, yeah, so what I've looked up since then is that food poisoning actually is contagious. Interesting. You can get contaminated from something you eat and then the contaminated person can infect others through their germs. Oh, interesting.

I thought you had to ingest this thing. That's what I thought too, but there are, I guess, certain strains or something where I basically have the virus, or the bacteria or whatever, and Micah can ingest it. It doesn't have to be that I give him food, and I think it can be spread through surfaces. So it's the bathroom where I'm throwing up

for an entire night. He goes and takes a shower. He takes a shower if he touches a single thing in there. It's infected. So I'm back to thinking it was this damn juice. But it also could have been like an airborne thing that somebody at the juice place gave you. Anything's possible,

but I think it was this lady with the damn juice. So you think you're gonna have orange juice anytime soon? I almost went back to the same coffee shop yesterday. And? Micah talked me out of it. It's the best coffee in LA. And what are you gonna do instead? Well today I went to Verve, which is also really good.

It's just far away. Plus you might not be able to get norovirus there. Yeah, that's the issue. I wonder if you can get it again this fast, or is it like you have immunity now, like COVID? Yeah, well, norovirus, you have immunity, but I don't know if it's me ingesting fecal matter, whatever, then that might-

That can happen ad nauseam. Yeah, I don't know. And it might ad nauseam to you. So I don't wanna risk it, it's not worth it. No. Well, it was almost worth it. I was talked out of it. I thought it was worth it, and Mike didn't,

and I had to trust him. Literally to die for this orange juice slash coffee situation that you love so much. I'll never get the orange juice again, never. Jill poisoned you. Yeah, it was her fault. And I made her very aware of that. Listen to my brother screaming.

Know that it originated with you. And you protected Gemma with the breast milk, didn't you? Actually, Micah could have used that breast milk almost like as a- If we could have known. I don't know if it works like that. I don't know if it works like that. After the fact.

Yeah, probably not. But now Micah seems fine, you feel fine. What doesn't kill you it works like that. I don't know if it works like that. After the fact. Yeah, probably not. But now Micah seems fine, you feel fine. What doesn't kill you make you stronger? Yeah, I mean I was hurting for like two or three days even, but he bounced back a lot faster than I did. That's nice, and now that he's in the office, we can track it even further, like maybe he gave it to somebody here

and we can interview them. We'll keep an eye on everybody. Yeah, I'm curious. Yeah, because if he gets someone else sick, then it's definitely no reliris. We know it's not from the juice. Yeah, and then I can go back and get my favorite coffee, which would be awesome.

Yeah, well, what I want, just to wrap this whole story up, is like, you know how there's COVID tests? Yeah. Why can't there be like flu tests? Like I was sick in January. Yeah. I had the flu. It'd be nice to know.

What flu did I have? And they're like, yeah, you can go to an urgent care and take a test. But I'm like, I was feeling like you were feeling it. I can't even walk to the bathroom, let alone drive to Echo Park right now. Right, yeah. Give me an at home anything test.

They, yeah. I wanna swab. It's like, food, food, food. It's obviously not a priority for them. And I don't know why. Because they're busy with like the cancer stuff. I guess, but they, COVID was a priority and they did it so fast with the COVID tests.

And like the urgent care has the access to the tests. Oh, I test positive for influenza type A or B. Give me an at home version of that shit. Yeah, well you just have to befriend a doctor that has the tests. I took the strep throat test back when I had the colesor, the wart, the canker in my throat. Yeah, they were able to do a strep throat.

The fissure in your sphincter. Yes, my fissure sphincter. What I ended up having was I canker in my throat. Yeah, they were able to do a strep throat. The fissure in your sphincter. Yes, my fissure sphincter. What I ended up happening was I got it in my asshole. My taste bud got infected down there. Yeah, I had a little taste bud that got inflamed. You can taste down there. Yeah, exactly right. That's right, that's why butt-chugging was so popular.

All right, good segment, good story. I'm glad you're feeling better. Me too. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Ooh, BetterHelp. Yes, it's online therapy. Great. And we can tell you how important therapy is.

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["Handsome"] All right, we're back. Yelp. Recording some Jake and Amir episodes next week. That's right, that's right. It's big. March Madness number what? Nine, 10, 11?

I can't even keep track at this point. But yeah, it's the perfect timing. Our second one back from being back, right? Yeah, we took a hiatus from our hiatus. And now it lined up perfectly with March Madness marches right around the corner That's right. These ones are fun slash easy ish to write because we just look at who's gonna be in the tournament Back into it right and then it's like, okay I have fucking a cactus and Duke in my final four

Exactly, it's that easy. One recurring joke idea that I had was for Connecticut, you keep on saying, you connect, I cut, and you have a pair of scissors, and you just keep on cutting it. Stop. It was like a huge pile of shredded brackets. And then that made me think of the third or fourth time you do it, you cut your finger really bad. Oh. Are you okay? Yep. Who it you got your finger really bad. Oh

Are you okay? Yep Who else you got in the final eight? There's more and more blood every single cut Baylor fuck man. I'm really lightheaded. I tried to call 9-1-1 you grabbed my phone you grab my phone I cut I'm starting to bleed. Starting, you won't stop. I think you're hemophiliac or something. All right, great, we already have our runner. Yeah, that's the runner. Then of course we just look up team names,

who's probably gonna be there. I got some great names in the standings, the top 25. Actually, do you know YukConn is the number one team in the country right now? Yeah, and we walked the tournament last year. Was there like a game that we didn't win by 10 points? No, it was an absolute bloodbath. It was a drubbing.

That was amazing. We got some good names in here. Creighton is in the top 15. Okay, so Creighton, more like Layton. I don't think they're gonna show up in time for their game. That's forfeited, final forfeited, straight to the final four with ya. Something along those lines.

It's always a rhyme that gets me to a place where a team is in the elite age. Yeah, Baylor, I'd rather nail her. I had sex with an assistant coach one day. Baylor, I'd rather nail her. I had sex with an assistant coach one day. Right, from the Texas Longhorns. Shwee! More blood, more comedy, there's action in that. Oh, didn't we do this before?

Washington State, no it's not. Actually it is a state. Oh yeah, Washington State, no it's not. No actually it is a state. Oh yeah. Yeah. Washington State, no it's not. No, it's two ones that were a state. Right. Or were not a state. Were not states, yeah. Yeah.

Jacksonville State, no it's not. Yeah, yeah, et cetera, et cetera. Sacramento State, no it's not. No it's not. Washington State, that one is. Yeah, really. So we'll just recycle that one. Yeah.

Saint Mary's. Oh, Saint Mary's. Oh, St. Mary's. Please, please. Let your plane crash before you get to the sweet 16. What? You're praying. I'm eating good boy. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Toast.

It's a piece of toast that says Kansas. You did that? You burnt that? Just came out of my toast there. Signal from God. You remember the chicken nugget that looked like Jesus? Well this is a toast that looks like aurn. As in, I burnt it. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, that's really good. I don't know if it's good, but it like matches. Yeah, right. It's as dumb as the rest of them. Good means equally bad in this case. Right, you have to just be insane and you're bleeding out in this episode. So the more unhinged the better.

Purdue? Purdue? How. Purdue? Purdue. How to Purdue. Oh, how to Purdue there, partner. Han's just bleeding a lot. Can you? You've ruined the sofa. All you care about is the sofa.

Jesus. How do we get special effects for this episode? CGI for AI. Interesting. Oh my God, Jesus. How do we get special effects for this episode? CGI for AI. Interesting. Do you think that if we upload a video of you, we can ask AI to put in blood everywhere? I can't because I don't have access

to these really advanced AI softwares. Right. But next year we probably could. That's awesome. Actually next year we could probably just write Jake and Amir, March Madness 10. Yeah, it'll spit it out. That's great.

But will it be able to come up with an incredible joke? Out of Bernou, partner? Out of Bernou! About BYU. P-U. Yeah, something like P. P? Why you?

Yeah. PYU. I've shit my pants in addition to bleeding out. Yeah, or something about the idea that they're all Mormons or something. Because BYU is specifically. Right, Brigham Young. Yeah, it's an all Mormon university.

Brigham Young? Why'd they bring them so young? This team of toddlers is not gonna stand up to Kansas City j-ks, is it? Kansas City. Kansas City, the Chiefs? How the hell do I have the Super Bowl champ in the Final Four?

Patrick Mahomes doesn't lose. That's the thing, okay? He's not in the tournament. He's not gonna not lose it. Not exactly, which is why I have him. Brigham Young you think that are toddlers. That's kind of like how- They bring them young.

Yeah, right, exactly. Sister wives, something about Mormon polyamory, polygamy. Yeah. UCLA. Oh, UCLA, something like that. Oh, like instead of the star spangled there. Yeah, yeah. Oh, say can you see.

Oh, say can you see, yeah. Oh, UCLA. By the dawn's early. Creighton. Got it, so it doesn't have to rhyme. No. Oh, what about Dayton? Dayton is 16th.

Yeah, Dayton versus Creighton. Yeah, I have Dayton. Who's Dayton Creighton? Dayton. If I Dayton versus Creighton. Who's Dayton versus Creighton? If I'm Dayton, the assistant coach from the Longhorns, who's Dayton Creighton? I do constantly bring up that I've had sex with an assistant. I forget the origin. Oh, was it late? What school was that?

Where I say I've been having sex. I had sexual relations with that woman? I already can't remember. I think it was Creighton, Clyde Leighton. Right. I always forget. Yeah, well we'll play this back. Yeah, that's the beauty of doing these taped brainstorms

is that we actually. Tape storm. Yeah, we write things down digitally. University of Houston, second team in the nation. Okay, so we've gotta come up with something, they're definitely gonna be there. Houston, we have a problem. That's pretty good.

Then why do you have them in your final four? It's good, because the problem is they're not going all the way. Yeah, you do have them. You do have them going all the way. I've lost a lot of blood after. Sorry, what I'm saying doesn't make sense But honestly usually I'm pretty fucking insane during this time of year

I don't know if you've noticed but I've rarely made sense in these videos videos So I think I think this is the exact right amount of blood for you not to have You're having a come to Jesus. A come to Jesus moment. A come to St. Mary moment. And lastly, we have, oh, Duke. Duke is a classic. Right, Foucault, Duke, we've done before.

Yeah. Duke. Duke, we have a classic. Right, Fouque Duke, we've done before. Yeah. Duke. What, Duke, we have a problem here. Something Houston won. Did I say that for Houston? I guess I did. Made sense when you did. Why?

Because of Apollo 13? What's that? Duke is a fluke. Coach K can't get his way. Coach K retired two years ago. Coach K went away. Yeah. Calling something's good about calling Duke a fluke.

How they're only in this one time by dumb luck. It's like, well, I think they're a staple of the tournament. I think they win all the time. Duke is a fluke. You realize they're only in this tournament during March. Who's talking about this basketball team in July? I don't know, a lot of people, man. Really? Yeah.

I feel like I don't follow this sport at all. I don't think you do. By the way, who's even collecting the money and organizing this? I think your wound needs to be cauterized. I think so too. We agree. All right, let's keep this under lock and key.

Whether this episode comes out before or after the actual March Madness episode will be interesting. I wonder if we can time it during the same week. That'd be perfect. But if not, now you guys can see how the really, really sloppy sausage gets made. That looked like a brainstorm, but that is a final draft.

Yeah, what we- That is pitch perfect. We might just release that as an episode. Yeah. With me staring at my phone, yelling, college is a game. Well, we can take the audio and then dub it. Put it over anything, basically. Precisely.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Okay, that's it, third segment. Three segments up, three segments down, a perfect game. Amazing. This was our first perfect episode. Yeah. It's kind of crazy, an immaculate ep. Yeah, that's amazing. I down, a perfect game. Amazing. This was our first perfect episode. Yeah. It's kind of crazy and immaculate up.

Yeah, that's amazing. I mean, good for us. I mean, we're still like under, how many episodes of segments have we done? 20-ish. 20-ish, yeah, I mean, that's, it feels right, the right time to hit our stride. It's impressive.

Yeah, but I mean. It's kind of cool. Totally, and I think now we can kind of run this for another. 500, 80. Yeah, 800, 600 episodes. Yeah, something like that. We should do like one with a guest or something. That's interesting.

Right. I don't hate that. Right. I just don't know any funny people. Yeah. Or I don't know any people that would want to come on our show. Cause it's sort of small now.

Yeah. Nobody likes us. Nobody likes us personally. Yeah. Nobody wants to take the time out of their day to join us. The stuff that we were just doing, it's like only funny to us and other people. Right.

Not even that many other people. Right. That's the Wendling number for sure. Yes. We're basically holding wet sand. Yeah. And as it dries out and falls out of our hands, we're left with a few grains. Yes.

And that's, that's all we have. Right. Our empire is a crumbling castle It's washed away into the sea. It's eroded with the high tide. Yeah, we've come back from this bacchanalian feast Orgy yeah, I had to find nothing Yeah at all and you look out at the sea and all you can see is the emptiness of the vast horizon And it's the same waves that anybody can hear. We're not seeing it, we're perceiving it differently. That's all we feel in our bodies,

is that emptiness, that vastness, that bottomless pit of nothing, nowhere, no one. We look to the left and it's a shark. Ah! Ah! Ah! You scared me, dude! Ah!

Ah! It grabs you with its fin What the fuck Insane It was dead It washed ashore Now it's muggy Are you seeing this This is fucking nuts man

Do something Okay, thank you for listening, thank you for watching We'll be back next week for more segments Or I should say for more of us, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. And for more segments, you can just watch us on our YouTube channel, I guess. And we'll be back next week. As always, thank you, namaste, good fight and good night.

Bye everybody. That was a Hidgum Original.