If I Were You - 201: Search Terms (w/Shane Dawson!)

Episode Date: February 22, 2016

Actor/comdian/YouTuber Shane Dawson joins us to discuss porn preferences and pessimism.This episode is brought to you by TIDAL and Soylent!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Hey, hey, hey, J and A, your constructive criticism is more like de-structive cynicism. You keep making fun of me, but I keep on listening, emailing you in, and do it all the time. I think you're a pair of dimes, but my parrot, I keep shifting cause all the time I'm drifting like, when a mirror says he hates the SBCA. What kind of a monster are you? Or when Jake pulls out a little too late? Not cool, bud, but otherwise you're hallowed dope, that's why I'd download if I were you to the show.

Yeah, how about that? Very soothing, a little accusatory. It was a little like Metallica, right? Can you explain that to me? How it's like Metallica. I loved it. Shane woke up in a chair and we started recording, and he's just confused as to where he is, what's going on, what that song was.

We aren't going to let him out of this room for an hour. Did you want us to explain what that song was or why I thought it sounded like Metallica? Explain. Do you have a different song, a fan song, every time? Every episode we start with an original theme song written by one of our fans. That one was written by somebody called Grandmaster Kate. I loved it. Yeah.

It was an interesting blend of she probably is good, but she was too scared to be good, so she was pretending to be bad sometimes. Oh, so she was selling herself short, like at the end where she started talking and stuff. Right. She's like, hey, hey, hey. Kate, next time, bring it. I think you got it.

Wow. That's cool. Because you are a musician yourself. Yes. I'm an artist really. Yeah. You're a painter more than anything. A sculptor.

You're a Simon Cowell. Yes. I work with Clay. It's my... Clay Aiken. You are like Simon Cowell. Oh my God. What?

I went on a whole Clay. I fell down a Clay Hole two nights ago. Did you ever see? I slipped into a Clay Hole. A Clayter. Did you ever see Bridge Over Trouble Water when he did American Idol? The song? Oh, yeah.

Oh my God. I started crying. Yeah, powerful. Oh, when he sang the Simon and Garfunkel song on American Idol. It literally made me cry. Granted, it was in a weird place at 3 a.m. You were already crying two days ago. Yes.

I thought when you originally saw it. Oh, that too. Yeah. No crying. Clay lost to Reuben. Fuck yeah. Reuben stuttered. I saw Reuben at the Cheesecake Factory two months ago.

Not performing just there, right? Performing isn't bringing me my cheesecake. He was a host. He was performing the specials and I was like, that sounds good, Reuben. But the crazy part was, I looked at, you know, you see somebody and you're like, I'm going to look it up on Instagram to see if they're really here, see if that's them. Oh. 2016 guys.

So I look it up and Reuben is not talking about Cheesecake Factory, but he's tweeting like healthy recipes because I guess he's like pretending to be healthy now. As I'm watching him take down Factory Nachos platter, I was so mad. I remember when I tried to start a rumor that Reuben stuttered was ripped. Like he lost weight. Yeah, he lost like 200 pounds and he was in incredible shape. But I have no idea what he's looking like. I made a rumor that Matthew Perry died and me and my friend have a joke where he's like

the go-to for it's like, oh God, so sad about Matthew Perry. Everybody believes it. Right. Because he had a problem. Yeah, he had a problem. Oh, really? I didn't know that. I just thought he looked awful as if I saw him already.

Oh, now I feel bad. He's often looking pretty haggard. He actually did die recently. I know. Yeah. I'm really sad. Good. You're quick with it.

Shane Dawson. Hi. Just for, if you didn't know, now you know. How, why, who are you and why are you? I asked myself that a lot. When is this? When are you? Well, I'd say I'm 2010.

Oh, really? I'd say that's the peak. Is that a Clay Aiken? I'm 2008. That's 2010. Yeah. Clay Aiken was 2006. No.

It's 2010 when you started making YouTube videos or that was the height of your YouTube popularity. I don't know. That was the height of my awfulness. I think I started, I don't know, I started like in 2006, I think. You were early, early, early. I was very, which by the way, I saw this, I don't mean this to be shady, but whatever. I was watching, I love falling down holes, obviously. I fell down a Ray William Johnson hole last night.

Oh, Ray, who's also a huge YouTube star. Right. So I fell down a Ray hole, which you should never fall down a Ray hole in a clay hole. Wow. All the A's. And he, you know, I was watching his TMZ interviews. Like I just fell down. Those are good, by the way.

I don't even know who Ray William Johnson is. Are you serious? Yeah. He was, he was like the number one guy, right? Wait, what? Equals three. I don't know that. I think we met him at a party once where he had like brown spaky hair and he was like

talking to a camera kind of YouTube guy. And like whenever college humor was like talking about the YouTube traffic, it was always like Ray William Johnson number one. Is that the, he's not annoying orange, right? No, he's not. You don't really, he had like. That's actually a racist term for him. Yes.

He had like 10 million views per video every time, twice a week. Is he still doing that? Um, I think, I don't know. He did, he did the thing that YouTubers do where they're like, I'm going to make this a business. So he like cast a bunch of other people to do everything. Oh. People were like, no.

We only like you. You. Yeah. But I was watching an interview with him and he was just like, yeah, you know, it's like when I started YouTube, like nobody was really even doing YouTube. I'm like, you started in 2010. Like I was doing this shit for so long. You started, you started at the, at the, almost the get go.

Like YouTube was 2006 was like, I mean, very early. Pre-jake and me doing videos. Yeah. Sure. I was like two, we started in 2007. Yeah. 2007. 2006 was really just me, um, Smosh and like people giving birth.

Yeah. I watched, I spelled that. I, I felt I'm a birth. Oh yeah. Yeah. Water birth. Did you check it? Oh yeah.

Water birth big time. Yeah. It was just videos of people giving birth and water. And it's, and since it's educational, they don't. Yeah. Nothing's blurred. It's fucking. You can look intense.

I'll whip up right now. There's, I fell down another hole last month of unblurred videos where, unflagged, there's a woman teaching you how to shave your vagina and she's fully naked and it's like sexy music and she's shaving her vagina. Close out. So if it's, is that like a loophole on YouTube? I'm going to look that up. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to take my phone off, permission to take my phone off airplane mode right now. Uh, I guess not granted. What if I'm bangbrows.com? I figured we would go here anyway. So why not just fucking go straight to the finish line? I'm going to sit and watch. Oh, I'm real deep down the hole.

I am at the bottom of said hole. I am in the hole. I am in the pink. Completely. It is dark. Do you remember bangbrows? Oh my God. You, my favorite bangbrow moment.

Is bangbrows also old internet? They're still up. They still update. They're still around. They're still around. My favorite was he was, he was, you know, fucking her and very hard and she was crying and then he gave him, she gave her his phone and he goes, call your dad. Oh.

No. And he goes, call your dad. Oh no. Or I'm going to finish and not, you know, leave you. Oh no. And so she had to call her dad and she's like, I'm having sex. It was the weirdest. What the world.

It wasn't real though. Why fake it? Why fake them? Yeah. Who was she calling? Like, did they hire somebody? Right. They had to.

Oh, they had the dad's V.O. also? Yeah. He was like. Did it cut to the dad on the phone? What the fuck? It's just a dad in the office. Oh. Jesus Christ.

I should have known something was up when a camera crew walked into this accounting office. Bangbus is like, they're an outlier in the bangbrows company. Like, they get to just do whatever the fuck they want. It's pretty depraved. Yeah. Yeah. That's the end.

That's not my kind of porn. No. What's your kind of porn? Wow. I like very intimate girlfriend experience POV type of porn. Wait. Okay. What are you like?

By the way, can I just say, this is a really fun conversation. People are going to hate this because you're like, Shane's gross. He's disgusting. I'm not gross or disgusting, but this is interesting to me. Okay. Me too. We can talk about this all day. I'm an open book.

I have my three search terms. What are yours? It's always POV. Yes. Usually POV girlfriend. Okay. Sometimes POV step sister because there's a lot of like really nice, like I don't like the dialogue of that type of stuff, but I like the, I guess the thing I'm trying to find

important now is like girls that didn't necessarily get paid to have sex. Like, I like couples making sex videos. Right. Is that amateur? Yeah, it's amateur. But then there's also a lot of like CD amateur where it's like a guy pays, still paying like people to fuck him. And I'm sure that everyone's getting paid, but I'm trying to find like real amateur.

Rather than the fake stuff that they, they, it's like how they say that it's salmon, but it's pink tuna. Yeah. I think I just like, I've seen too many like old, old wrinkly bald guys licking a 22-year-old asshole. Right. I don't. And this is not even porn.

I'm just talking about where I grew up. So I'm, I'm just trying to avoid that. So this is beyond answering your question, but my three most searched terms are probably like POV girlfriend, POV step, POV ebony maybe. Cause I like black girls. Okay. So instead of searching black, you search ebony. Yeah.

Cause that's usually what they are in porn. Cause the black, I don't know why. Yeah. So this is usually interracial the other way or black on black. And I like the POV to have a white dick because I really just can't put myself in the position of having a big black dick as much as I wish I could. Is the POV, are you supposed to like rest your laptop at a certain angle so that it looks like you're looking through the monitor, but it's actually like somebody else's penis.

Is it like that close to virtual reality lined up? I mean, it's sort of like, it's almost like a first person shooter game except the gun. Instead of a gun, it's a, it's a dick. It's like you're looking, maybe you are odd job. You're showing at the end, your screen turns white and it fades out to black. Uh, what is, what are your search terms? Well, on a normal basis, it's similar. It's like POV, real homemade.

Oh, homemade's a big one too. But when I'm really sad, which happens a lot. I like to stay aching. Bridge over troubled water. Ray William Johnson. No, when I'm really sad and then after I search it, I feel really bad and I close my computer. I'll search like, real love, or like making love or like, sweet. Like, I like couples who are like really into it and it's not like, yeah, you're a fuck.

You're a fuck. I like the real, you and I could basically watch porn together. Let's do it. My like fetish is people saying I love you. Yeah. That's, that is, it's pretty sad. Why is that? Because it like scares you in real life.

I don't know. I think it's, I don't think it's that. I think it's because I have a lot of empathy. And when I see people getting fucked in like, saying you're a dirty whore, right? Say you're a whore, which is a lot of like, old bang bros porn. It's like, who's my little whore?

It's the opposite of mean porn. Like that doesn't turn me on at all. It's nice porn. Yeah, it's name calling. So I like, yeah, like nice kind porn. This is kind of like my porn idea, which is fuck me finally. It's a POV fetish site for people

that have been like kind of waiting to have sex for a long time. Yeah, it's like, it's called, it's basically the 11th date. And then it's like, finally I'm ready to trust you. And then it's like, okay. So the first half of the porn is people just eating a nice Thai dinner,

like at a nice Thai restaurant. I'd like to know your porn search terms. This is also a really fun idea for a podcast. Oh yeah, porn search terms. Permission to start another podcast. Boom. All right, let's start it right now. Hey, welcome to porn search terms.

Me and Shane, they're hosted. Not a terrible idea. Mine are kind of boring. I like three some stuff because that's one of the fantasies of mine, like two girls, one guy. Because I've never experienced that. So that's sort of cliche.

Sometimes I like party stuff where there's lots of action going on because I also was never at a cool party like that. That's very interesting to me. Party. Do you mean like the public sex parties or do you mean like just like one, like the college parties?

Yeah, I call it like carrying away into a different room. There's a party going on. Oh, I see. Party in the background. Sometimes they go outside and people are fucking for some reason. Yeah, are those ever anything that's ever been a real party like this?

Yes, I think they do. Real fuck parties that aren't for porn. I heard about one recently, which was terrifying because I was talking to a very young YouTuber and they were telling me about a YouTube party with very young YouTubers. Oh dear. That's what they do.

What? They all separate off into rooms and fuck each other and film it. What? And it scared the shit out of me? Do they post it somewhere or do they just like film the shit to their friends? They showed, I saw a couple videos.

I was like, I got to see this shit. And they showed me and I literally started freaking the fuck out. Jesus. What? That's fucking crazy. We got into the game too late or too early, dude. How old were you when you started making YouTube videos?

Too old, probably like 18, 19. Yeah, fuck that. I know. But that was only two search terms. Yeah. FFM party. Oh, I don't know. Lesbians, sometimes just two girls, no guy.

Oh, because that's almost like POV because you're just imagining you're the... Yeah, isn't every porn POV porn the POV of somebody watching two girls fuck? Yeah, but like I can't, I really just don't like, I need to, it has to be an immersive experience. I need to be there. I need an Oculus Rift.

I'm so afraid to try that because then I won't be able to go back. And I don't need any more gear to jerk off. Have you done VR? My favorite. I tried it, it was weird. But my favorite is type, if you type in rent, do, my favorite, there's one.

And this is like a sad one. Is it a hack or something? Like I feel like you're a secret level that we don't know about. But, because it's like a thing. Okay, so my favorite is this old woman. She, well, maybe she's like 50, but she looks good. She owns this apartment complex. And this is, I guarantee you it's real

because it's like from the guy's laptop perspective. And like she comes in and she's like, oh, hey, the rent or whatever. And then he's like, ah, and he sits on the bed and then she sits on the bed and then he starts touching her and then they start fucking. And she's so excited because like she never fucks. And like her husband's dead.

And like it's so amazing to see her like come and she's so happy. And then she just lets him go, no rent and leaves. Oh. I've watched that one so much. It's only one porn, it's not a series? No, he does it like every month. You can only watch it on the first of the month, right?

I'm legitimately, I'm gonna watch Rent Do Later. Also, have you seen Property Sex? That's a nice one that I've been into recently. What is that, like House on Tour? Yeah, it is. Is it? It's like three couples and then you choose the one you like? No, no, it's not quite, it's like a guy's-

Guy's one dick. A guy who goes and he sees the house, it's like the realtor is like, yeah, it's really nice. Property is like, oh yeah, I'm thinking about making an offer and it's like, what can I do to make you convinced? Real estate porn? Yeah, and then they end up having sex at the house.

I just like that it's a little low budget, so it's not, I don't like that, I like the porn rough around the edges, I think, just like me. So this is an advice podcast. We really have to do a porn podcast. Well, you mean you have to do a porn podcast? Yeah. I feel like people would be interested in this, right?

I feel like it's something everybody watches it and then nobody really talks about it. I'm not questioning the interest level, like people- I don't know what our advertiser is today, but I bet we have more people watching Rint do right now than like buying me undies. This podcast is actually called The Fire You. It's an advice podcast.

It's usually just Jake and I dispensing advice. Sometimes we have friends. Today we have Shane Dawson. How would you describe yourself? Comedian, YouTuber, podcaster, artist, lover? All of the above? You know, just- How about big fucking deal?

No. Shane Dawson, big fucking deal. It's kind of interesting because you could read that two ways. One is a real positive and the other is real negative. Right. That's funny because I was talking deal. I don't know. I remember someone saying like a funny bio for me

would be like kind of a big deal because it's like self-deprecating. But then it's also like, yeah, I'm kind of a big deal. Right, yeah. And it's also a Ron Burgundy quote. Is it? Yeah. I thought that was just in general,

like I'm kind of a big deal. No, I think, well, I think he's, I feel like he made it popular. Like if you had it in your bio, I would think it was an anchor man quote. Well, I'd be too afraid that people would misinterpret it. It's like this. I hate when people say, I do fine.

Because to me, that's like, you're rich. I fucking get it. When people say that, oh, I do fine. Is that a bio thing? I don't know. Are you just saying that in general? Yeah. Like, don't worry about what I do.

Oh, I do fine. Yeah. Oh, I hate that. That being said, you do do fine. Yeah. You're- You say I'm rich. Is what's your-

What's your- The net worth. The pie chart of your time spent creatively. Is it still mostly YouTube? Is it podcast? Is it- Yeah, I mean, I guess YouTube. YouTube is a thing, you know how it is.

Like you have to feed the beast and you got to keep doing the YouTube thing because you want to direct or you want to write. For me, directing and writing is like, that's my- You know, Amir and I are like on the outskirts of the YouTube community. Because our videos just went on YouTube and it was like basically beyond our control.

We were also part of college. We never had our own channel. Right, we're- Oh, that's right. We like love YouTube, but we are- I don't think we're like in the camp of YouTubers. Like YouTubers, I don't know, it feels like a social circle that we're not welcome in.

Right, you're like with Lonely Girl, you're like on the outskirts. Yeah, we were like paid by somebody else to make YouTube. We were also making sketches, whereas like you were doing, hi, I'm Shane Dawson and I'm talking to the camera. And like it was never like, hi, I'm Amir and I'm Jake and we're talking to the camera.

Like ours was fiction and yours was non-fiction. Kind of, yeah, but you know, I don't know. And now- But you were part of that first wave, right? Yeah. You saw when you were starting, it was just like you and a handful of others. Yeah, it was not that many people were talking to camera

because there was Smosh and stuff, but they weren't really talking to camera. They were just doing sketches and stuff. So yeah, it was- When you think about writing and directing, are there like bigger scope projects that you wanna do that are totally fiction? Like you have things that you wanna write?

Are they, is it comedy, is it? Yeah, two years ago I directed and wrote a movie and it was so much fun. I mean, the process was fun when it came out and I got attacked by press, that was bad. Like literally L.A. Times said, it said, Shane Dawson's movie and it said, only a movie for rapists, racists and sociopaths.

And I was like, great. Oh dear, I love that. Did your fans like it? Yeah, it did well and people, you know- It was on VOD, On Demand. It came out in a few theaters and it did really good and I was excited. And then we did a lot of test screenings

and everything was great. All the producers loved it. And we were like, this is good, right? Like I feel like I have a good feeling about this. And then like four reviews came out that were like, literally the worst reviews I've ever seen in my life. It was literally like Shane Dawson is a waste of time. Oh my dear.

And I was like, I mean, I guess I get it. I guess that's how it works with every, like most things like you put your heart and soul and then you're surrounded by people that made it with you. And it always seems like a positive thing. And it's such a weird thing to show it to somebody who wasn't involved in the process. Right, the floor really comes out from under you.

It's like somebody, oh wait. How do you not like it? Everyone, we had so much fun making it though. How did you not like it? Didn't you see like how much when we had at the craft service table and we were like, swapping stories, you didn't see that?

Didn't you know I bonded with the first AD? Yeah. How do you not know that? Warjo girl, we still talk. Yeah, isn't that good enough? Guy at the LA Times. Do you, we usually answer questions. People who are seeking our advice, our guidance.

Do you mind if we start answering some questions? All right. These are real emails who are coming from real people. We're gonna give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity. Do you have a fake name for a dude? Wait. You, go ahead.

I was like, wait. Talking to me or Shane. I thought you were asking like, if I go to a club, like, what do I use my name? Oh, do you have a fake name? No. Cool. Shane Dawson, that's not my real name.

So yeah. It's not your real name? No. What are you talking about? My real name is Shane Yaw. What? Shane Lea. Wait, what are you talking about?

Yeah, my real name is Shane Lea. And when I got an agent when I was 18, who by the way was also a baby agent, I was her only person over. Is this still your agent? Didn't go well. No. All right.

You parted ways. How do you spell your last name? Real one, Y-A-W. What kind of name was that? It was the Acquards. Yeah, it's like Dutch. But she said, you're not getting auditions because they think you're Asian

and they're not looking for an agent. So I changed it to the whitest name I could find. Holy shit. And it's stuck. Dawson's Creek. Damn, dude. Titanic Jack Dawson, sorry. That is a good, it is a cool last name.

I actually might change my last name. To Yaw. Amir Yaw. Yaw. Amir Yaw. Oh, like I'm here, Yaw. Sure, why not? So do you have a fake name for this person?

It's a guy? It's a dude. I'm gonna go with Swanson just because I'm looking at it on the wall. That's good. Just Swanson. Swanson, yeah. Nice, I like it.

Swanson writes, I'm 18 and for the last three years I haven't had any girlfriend. I didn't even come close to kissing any, but here's the thing. I downloaded Tinder a few weeks ago and I started to get really into it. I got a lot of matches, but most of the times when people said, hey, or something else,

I wouldn't get a response. There was this one girl who responded and she was a dime, exactly the type of girl I like. She gave her number before I even dared to ask and she asked if I would wanna come over the next day. We were gonna go on a date tomorrow and I had to travel for two hours for it and I wanted to be sure that it wasn't a sick joke

or something. I don't know, I guess I kind of, I find it hard to trust people that I've only seen three pictures of. So I asked if she could send along some proof of her, like a video of her or something. Then she got mad and said, well, look me up on Facebook. She gave me her surname to me and I looked it up

and yes, it was her. I still wanna have a date with her, but she's not responding to my texts anymore. What can I do? Was I wrong to ask for more proof? Excuses for the long email, thanks. Swanson. Well, she was fake,

because if she said look me up on Facebook and you did and she's like, well, all right, he found out and then she moved on. Oh, so you take this guy's side. You're like, yeah. He should have. Do you ask, have you ever social media, social? I've had some awful, awful online date experiences

this week. Really? Yeah, but I think the go-to is for me, it's like, oh, let's, if you're talking to somebody on one of these apps and it's going really well and then it's like, oh, we should like hang out and say, yeah, actually like let's FaceTime and figure it out.

Oh, and talk about where you want to meet. Yeah, it's definitely a bad move to say, I demand you show me proof of yourself. Yeah, but I think you're right to say there's a little bit of tact involved. If you really want to do some investigative work, you could, even, I mean, even a phone call, like all he wants to do is hear a voice, right?

I mean, why ask for, like, you can't ask for proof every time, like at a certain point, you just have to like trust the app, right? Well, it's also different when he's driving two hours away. Yeah. Like when you're on, if she was going to lie to him, she would lie to him about being closer. Interesting.

Why lie and then also say drive two hours? I guess if you're fucking with someone, it's funny to say drive two hours and then I'm not there. Or. Actually, maybe I'll do that. It's actually really funny. People have asked you to verify your identity on Tinder. Maybe because they knew who,

they thought that like, you must come up with this. Like if somebody knows you, you're famous to them, but I'm not famous to most people, but that's the select few. And then they're like, I don't believe it's you. I'm like, well, what am I supposed to do? I have to like verify my existence. Then you sent somebody a picture, right?

Yeah, I sent a photo over text. Yeah. Right. Does that happen to you? That's a way you can also, though, like this kid can, Swanson can do a cute thing where he's like, send her a picture of like,

okay, so you guys are making inside jokes because you're talking, you're texting, you guys have your thing now, your culture. So like, maybe you guys made a joke about macaroni and cheese. Take a fucking picture of you standing in front of macaroni and cheese and be like, you want some? And then she needs to send back something else,

like a cute selfie. And that's where you get it. Well, what if she doesn't send back a cute selfie? She will eventually. If you open the door to like pictures, then some, they eventually match. Yeah, they have to. When you're on these apps, do people like,

they look you up and see that you have whatever? I am one of those people where like, I, you know, I'm very like, no ego. I assume nobody knows who the fuck I am if they're over the age of 13. So, is that your target demo? 13 to 18 year olds? It's crazy, it honestly isn't anymore

because like they grew up, so. Yeah, they've grown up with you. They're like my age, which is, but in my head, I'm like, nobody knows who the fuck I am. So I'm on these apps. And I even picked, I even didn't even realize that I used my profile picture on Tinder. Like as my profile picture on Twitter,

it like it's the same picture, but it's just because I'm like. That's what a robot would do. That's what a fake person would do. But like, these people are so fucking good at lying and being like, so what do you do for a living? And acting so oblivious. And then like when I'm up.

Oh, and then you come out with, and you meet them and they're like. Oh, I, oh. That didn't happen, thank God. But like it gets so close to that where I'll be like, hey, I just need to tell you like, I do this like weird job and it's weird and I just want you to know.

And like, if you're not cool with it, that's fine. And then they'll be like, I didn't want to say anything, but I've been watching you since I was 12. I was gonna meet you and out. Would you be okay meeting, hooking up with a fan? No. So if there was an attractive person and they're like,

you know, just so you know, I've watched your videos before, you'd be like, oh, nevermind. I don't hook up in general because I have a lot, it's getting dark, because I have a lot of issues as far as like, I don't know. Like to fuck somebody and be naked with somebody, I need to really care about them. Right, you got it.

Because like I won't get hard if I, because I'm self conscious. You're not doing one night stands. Never, no. So like for me, if it gets to that point, I already know everything about them in their life. Okay, so not even hooking up, would you go out on a date with somebody that found you?

I did on accident because it was somebody I met at like a YouTubey thing. And I thought she was like an employee or like she worked there or she was a YouTuber too. So like I went out with her as like a friend or whatever, and then it turned out, no, she was a fan that was at this convention to meet me. I thought she like worked there and shit.

Right. Wow. So she, yeah, she tricked you. Her dream came true. She was out to do that. The exactly if she wanted to happen. And then I ended up like going out with her like again twice. Cause I'm too nice.

And I was just like, if I don't, she'll make a tumbler about it. She shouldn't be an awful person. Oh my God. A fate worse than death, a tumbler about it. Oof. No, they don't like me. Stay away.

So you're saying asking for proof is okay. It's fine. In a cute way, you got to do it. In a cute subtle way. You don't say, I want proof. Oh, are you snapping? I don't snap with the online people, but like. No, but in general.

He should. Oh, I'm just asking separately. Cause we just got into Snapchat. Ooh, we're into it. Are you, oh, have you gotten into and don't? Cause it's awful. It's called musically. Have you heard about this?

Musically? Music, music.ly. Is this the lip dub thing thing? Yes. It's like lip singing to songs, but like, first of all, this one girl, her name is baby Ariel. She's 16. She just got six million followers in like a week.

And she honestly is good though. Cause like you can speed it up. So like your lip singing to like a slow. And it's like, yeah, it looks amazing. But I've gotten into like, I went on Snapchat and I said, hey guys, send me a musically of you doing magic stick, which is my favorite song of all time. You know.

I got the magic stick. Well, I didn't think it through because like the girl part of that song is like, I got that magic clip. You lick once, you lick twice. I just got like bombarded with all these musicallys of like five year old singing this song. And it's so good.

So wrong. Oh no. Hold on that whole. And now you're under arrest. Yeah. You possess child porn. Oh great. A seven year old saying she has the magic clip.

Oh God. I don't even like thinking about it, man. Oh my God. So the answer to this guy's question is, you can ask for proof if you want to do it in a subtle, cool way. Just pretend this never happened. Move on to the next.

And then either trust the lady or open the dialogue on your end by sending a selfie. Yes. I, yeah. I agree. Yeah. Never say prove yourself to me. Right.

You never want to say you're doing what you're doing. You don't want to, yeah. Don't let them know that you're a sleuth. Yeah. A detective, an online private eye. Does that sound about right to you? Yeah. Do you agree with that?

100%. All right. We talked a lot about porn in the beginning. So we're roughly at the halfway point. Let's take a break right now. Jake and I are going to think another sponsor. You don't have to do it. Don't worry.

Just relax. Okay. Sit here in silence. And we'll be back with more questions and answers with Jane Dawson. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult,

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Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know

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or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you, free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Back with Shane Dawson.

What do you spend the majority of your time on now? Today, this week, what's your busiest thing? Well, right now I'm finishing up my second book. Whoa. Which I actually wrote the first, like I'm actually writing it. I'm not only doing the YouTuber thing where I'm like having somebody else write it.

Is that a thing? Oh my God. What, YouTubers just release a book? Have somebody else write it and then sell it to their fans. Last year was like the year of YouTuber books, which was embarrassing to kind of be a part of that, but a lot of them, like I talked to a couple and I'm like, so you have somebody write it like,

yeah, just have them like watch my Draw My Life video and they like kind of get it. So they just like write it like, wow, okay. I just show them my Facebook friend video and then they can sort of paint between the lines. They can connect the dots from there. It makes sense though, because writing a book is really hard.

Right. You do so much fucking work. It's, yeah. It seems like with YouTubers now, since YouTubers tightening the money that's coming out, they're just, you need to find different things to create and sell other than your videos. So last year was books, right?

Which is, yeah, it was interesting. Last year was books and I think it did okay for people. I think the book industry is so fucked anyways. So like they're just happy to, the book industry is just happy to sell any books, but it was probably the most fun and the most proud I've ever been of a thing I've done. Like I've made a tangible book right now.

A book feels like the opposite of the internet. It's just like, it's so permanent. It's written in ink. It's on a shelf. It's a real physical thing. Yeah, but you can burn a book. You can't burn a blog. True.

Which actually brings me to my other book. You can't burn a blog. Yeah, cool. It's entirely online. Brings me to my Tumblr. It's an e-reader. You can't blog a book. What was your first book and what's your second book?

Is it like just about you? Yeah, I do collections of like short stories and essays about like times in my life, funny and dark and sad and weird. Oh, that's cool. So the first one's called I Hate Myselfie. That's funny. The new one is funny.

Love it, love the title. The new one is that it gets worse. It's real kept lifting shit. It's funny. It's a play on words. It's a joke. Oh, pun. And where can people buy it?

Barnes and Noble or, I like the physical ones like go to a bookstore, but you can get it online. What's Barnes and Noble? Is that like Amazon the store? And it's in the Amazon? Who would go there? How do you get there?

Books a million, that's a place I learned. Are you, do you still hang out with other YouTubers? Like, do you still have that fraternity, camaraderie? I've never done that. I have like two friends. Who are YouTubers? Me and Jake. You guys, hi.

I have two friends and then I have like a kind of collection of people I see, but I don't, I've never been, I've never been invited to parties. I don't really do the YouTube thing because I'm older. I'm 27, like most of them are young. Yeah, we're like, we were the seniors of YouTube in like 2012 and now at 2016 we're like the old people that came back to the party and like, yeah, what are you doing here, man?

Oh, Shane's here, dudes. Who are the, who are the, who's the Shane Dawson? Do you remember Hot For Words? That's the thing, we don't know anything about YouTubers. Oh my God. We're like, we didn't even get into the college. We're the people who visited. Yeah, we're like the commuter kids at the,

at the regional school nearby. Yeah, we're not at the school. Yeah, we just take a magnet program at a high school nearby. But who's like the equivalent of the Shane Dawson now? Like are there people that you're now the old guy and you're like, who watches these kids? I don't know, it's so weird. Now there's so much, there's so many people.

There's nobody right now that's like crushing it. Who's like, oh, that's the guy. I mean, PewDiePie, I guess, but like there's nobody that's like the guy or the girl. There's so many people, everybody's. There's also so many different avenues, right? Like there, now you could be huge on Vine. Right.

You could be huge on Snapchat. Musically. You could be massive on Musically. Baby Ariel, a million likes per musical. God, like how do you, how do you keep up? We just got on Snapchat. Now I feel like we're eight, eight apps behind. Yeah, we got like 10,000 people viewing our Snap.

It's fucking embarrassing. I don't even know why I still have a phone. Meanwhile, Baby Ariel's fucking kicking ass on an app. I never heard of. Her lipstick line sold out in five minutes. Is that true? Yes. How do we reach these people?

I can't follow the crowds fast enough. I feel like I'm chasing a population that keeps outrunning me. Shane, help. No. Okay. Who are you? What's your name on Snapchat?

Oh God. Well, Shane Dawson was taken. I did LOL, Shane Dawson. I don't, don't ask. It's not funny. My snaps are sad. My musically is Shane Dawson sucks. Like I'm bad at picking.

You're very self deprecating it seems. I know I'm trying to not do that anymore, but it's hard. I hate myself, it gets worse. Shane Dawson sucks. Do the books ultimately preach self love in the end? Or like an overcoming? Right. That, or is it, or is it like, I mean,

in a way embracing it is almost empowering. Yeah. Well, my thing with it gets worse is I'm like, guys, listen, it gets worse. Like your problems now are stupid. When you're older, they're worse. Like you can go bankrupt, there's so many more, but you learn how to deal with them and not really fucking care anymore.

So like that gets better. Right. You get better at dealing with the worst problems. Yeah. It's interesting. Makes sense to me. I like that. You're not really equipped to deal with problems.

Like I think I told the story on the last podcast about how I needed to fake being sick and go home because I lost my jacket when I was in second grade. So I wasn't really good at dealing with problems. I'm actually pretty bad at dealing with problems now too. I'm actually pretty sick today. Oh geez, you lost your jacket again. I know it.

I know it. Oh, all right. Let's try to see if we can help some other people because Jake and I don't have the time or actually intelligence to write a book. So this is how we help people. So let's see if we can get, oh, a lady name, a lady name. Well, you got changed.

It would make our guests do all the work. Hearst Castle. It's because I'm looking at it. It's a beautiful thing. We're being usual suspected. You're just reading stuff. You're not making anything up. All right, ready?

Hearst Castle writes, hi, my name is Hearst Castle and I'm, Matlips are funny. And I live in Porkchop, Illinois. No, my name is Hearst Castle and I'm a 19 year old currently in my second year of college. A few months ago, I ended my first real relationship which lasted two years. The breakup was difficult to say the least.

Over the past month, I have been going on dates with this new guy who I've known for about a year. He is very attractive, funny, and amazing in bed. But the main issue is he is 29 years old, still lives with his parents, never went to college, works a minimum wage job and has literally no plans to move out or be independent. Now don't get me wrong,

none of these things on their own would bother me. I understand that college isn't for everyone and there are lots of reasons why somebody would need to live at home for a long time and age doesn't bother me on its own. It's just that all of these things together means that we are in very different paths in life. I really like him, but I'm afraid that these differences

are irreconcilable. Add in that, my parents hate him. I'm very close to my family since I live with them while commuting to school and although they let me do what I want, it bothers me to have a boyfriend that they actively hate and tell me that I think I deserve better. Should I break things off and meet someone new in college

or am I just being a petty bitch with a superiority complex? Ooh, please help, much love. Hurst Castle. Castle, jeez. I vote petty bitch. Yeah. Get over it. So you don't like him, your parents don't like him

and you don't think that- Your parents are petty bitches too. Y'all are petty bitches. One thing in this story that doesn't really connect, one dot- Is it the name because that's the one that you made up? Yeah, yeah. But it's also, how did she know him for a year?

Who is this person? Who is this 28 year old hanging out at 18 year olds? A family friend, who is this person? How did she meet? And why were they friends for a year and then started dating, that makes no sense. We have known each other for about a year. I'll say church group.

Right, okay. Like he was the minute, like the youth pastor. Yeah, and she was the youth. Yeah, I think it's probably a family. It sounds like they both live in this college town, right? Sure. And because she commutes to college from living with her parents.

And he also lives with his parents. Yeah, it's like a little commune where everybody lives with their parents and goes to a local university. See those two lives crossing, like where do they cross? That's what I'm trying to figure out, like does he work at the bagel shop she goes to? Is he a Lyft driver?

Like I'm trying to figure out. I think it's both. Right. I think he's a Lyft driver. He's the groundskeeper at college. That's a minimum wage job. Yeah. Kind of cool.

That's actually a really great idea for a rom-com I just had. Is what? He's sort of like, he's the groundskeeper. She's like the young pre-med. Oh, it's called keep it grounded. Oh, that's cool. Yeah.

Or grounds to keep, grounds for life. I like to keep it grounded. Rise and grounds. Rise and ground. No, I don't like that one either. You really nailed it with the first one. It was a home run. I don't know why you're still standing in the plate.

Grounds keepers can't be choosers. Still swinging the bat. Grounds keepers. He knocked one out of the park. Finders, grounds keepers. All right, fine. I love it. Shane, what do you think this fictional movie

should be called? No, I'm just joking. I was going more into casting. What is it? I'm already a free pro. Who's the guy? The groundskeeper guy? Yeah.

I don't know his name, but he plays a serial killer in a lot of movies recently, but he's really good. He's sad. Silly and Murphy. I know who that has been. No, but yeah, yeah. That works. He's a little too old, I think.

Right. What's the largest age difference in your relationship history? Or what about what's the largest one you'd be willing to go? Six years, maybe. You're the older? No, I was younger. Yeah, I was younger.

I'm always a little younger, I think. You will like to be the younger. I am just more attracted to older people, I think, and people who are not in their 20s. I don't know, maybe that's it. Right, because you have the soul. How old are you? Do you mind saying?

27, yeah. So you have the soul of a 30-something. You don't want to hang out with other 27-year-olds? I have the body of an 80-something. I need somebody who's already fucked everybody, and they're like, I'm ready for a nice one. Oh, you really do have a low self-esteem. Yeah.

It's not a bit. It's not a bit, guys. Okay, here's my genuine advice for his castle. Okay. And this is something I am very new to because I think a year ago, I would have given different advice. But now, my advice is, you're 19, who fucking cares?

You're obviously gonna hang out and fuck this guy for another few months, maybe six months, and then you're gonna move on. He's gonna get married, find somebody else, whatever. You're young, you're 19. I didn't go on my first date till I was 21. I didn't fuck till I was 23. You got so much time.

Yeah. You care. I feel like the answer to every single one of our questions could be, you're 19. Who cares? Right? Yeah. Isn't it Gavress that said you could start every single piece of advice with relax?

Yeah. Just relax. First of all, relax. Yeah, second of all. It's true. She's talking about why she shouldn't marry this guy. And I could agree. Yeah, that you guys maybe aren't meant for marriage,

but it's not, this isn't the part where you have to choose. If anything, he should try to choose sooner because he's the 29-year-old. I mean, what are you talking about? He's living a dream. Rent-free, having sex with a hot young college student? Well, he's also living with his parents. I wouldn't call that living the dream.

Living rent-free, free meals, free laundry. Your mom's your best friend. I'm already halfway there. I mean, this dude is my spirit animal. You could live with my parents. I did live with your parents. It's fucking the 19-year-olds I have a problem with. I had to drag you out of there.

You were blowing a 14-year-old, but it's not even that close. I'm sure you're trending in that direction. It's definitely more illegal. So you're 19, relax. Would you say living with your parents at 29 is kind of sad or it's fine? Hoof.

It's hard because if it's out of your control, if literally- Never went to college, works a minimum wage job. It really depends, because some people moved out, did their own thing, and then they're like, you know what? I don't like this job. I need a career change, but I need to move home

and start on this new pen. It depends where he is. If you never have moved out, that's a problem. Yeah, interesting. I agree. And it sounds like she's got all the context, but she says minimum wage job, living at home, and he has no plans of changing that.

So it sounds like not the kind of good living at home with your parents that we're talking about, right? Yeah. So I would say, hey, you've been there, you've done that. Let's see what else is out there. And maybe in four years, when he's a 33-year-old, you can revisit him. 33, 23 seems more appropriate than 29, 19.

Right. I mean, I say she doesn't have to stop dating him, but she should just continue to be dating him and not get into a relationship. Yeah, you can only date someone for so long before you're in a relationship. She should either end it or go into it more full-throttle. I think she doesn't have that timeline

that you're projecting. I'm projecting a timeline. How long have they been together? We don't know. It said two months, or no, two weeks. Did it? Over the past month? Oh, I've been going on dates with a new guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can give it a little more of a test drive. Yeah, give it another month, number two months. See what happens. Three months max. Four is way too much. Five is okay again. You know what, if you hit five,

you gotta stay with him for three more months. It's called the five plus three rule. Does it say where they're from? Where do they fuck? Oh, where do they fuck? They both live with their parents. They can't afford hotels. So what do they do, right?

Yeah, and he says the sex is amazing. Amazing, like what? Because they're having it in a car and there's nothing hotter than car sex. Which brings me to my last porn search. POV car fucking. There is actually, yeah, there's some car fucking videos that I love.

There is actually a bunch of them. Car fucking videos. I would search POV car. That's a great search term. It's not even porn. I just wanna be the point of view of a car driving. That's why you have to search it on Pornhub, not Google. Yeah.

If you search that though, there's this weird niche where it's like old men jerking off and then like facing the camera out the window, like waiting for people to catch them. Oh, that's the car. There's a lot of that. Really? There's one of a guy doing it at Walmart,

just like walking around Walmart and the camera's on his flaccid. Dear God. And he's pointing at people waiting for them to see it. What? So weird. It's illegal. Why would they have that?

It's illegal. That's also on YouTube, if you can imagine. It's educational. It was the suggested video after the lady shaving her cooch. Christ. Shane, thanks for coming on our show. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Do you have anything specifically you wanna promote

that's more short term or your book or this or that? Oh, my podcast. If you search Shane and Friends on iTunes or SoundCloud or something, it's fun. Shane and Friends. And we know you guys like podcasts because you're listening to this one. Yeah, so don't fucking call us, play that car.

Oh, I don't know if I listen to podcasts. Look up Rint, do look up Property Sex, but then after that, Shane and Friends. The opening theme song, or I should say if you have your own questions, you can send it all to if I were you show at gmail.com. You can also send your theme songs to there. The opening one was written by Grandmaster Kate

and this closing one was written by Josh Hetsky. Thanks again, Shane. Thank you. Gracias. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon enough. Bye. I think I'm done.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The problem is I�m 69..my dad. That was a hate gum podcast.