If I Were You - 202: Mixed Signals

Episode Date: February 25, 2016

In this episode we discuss traveling alone and partying with others.This episode is brought to you by HeadSpace and NatureBox!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Jake and Amir got some things to say. Most of it is pointless, but anyway, if you got a problem, then listen to you on the If I Were You show. Kazoo. Yeah. Very cool.

A kazoo, which is not a real instrument. Kazoo, that's new. It's actually not new. Well, I mean, for us. Oh, I see. Yeah. Kazoo, that's new. For us.

Right. That was written by and performed by Dan Rafi. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. You really are sick. I have what is self-diagnosed as minor food poisoning. Yeah, but you're making a major deal out of it. I am leaking shit out of my asshole right now. It might be straight up food poisoning.

No, because this is the difference. One, there was no vomiting. Have you ever had food poisoning? Yeah. Okay. No diharhija. Nice. Diharhija.

That's a nice, that's a cool. Diharhija. Yeah. All right. Well, you don't have to harp on it, but I do like the way, that's like a PG way of saying it. Yeah. It's cool.

I like it. What I do have is indigestion, you know, like sharp gaseous pains. Like, I'll eat food and then like five minutes later I'll hear her gurgling and it feels like someone is shoving a frisbee out of my abdomen. Oh, man. I don't think I've ever had a stomach ache in my whole life. Which is weird because you went through several decades of just eating garbage. Yeah.

I don't know what it is, but I get sick of my head and never my stomach. Interesting. So, I don't, like, it's, are you farting? Yeah, I'm farting a lot. Are they painful farts? No, they're great farts because the fart is the release. I see. Yeah.

Have you tried just doing like, kind of like a yoga child's pose and letting all the farts rise to the top? Yeah. What I'll do is I'll lay on my stomach. Child, like an invention convention volcano or something? Yeah. Well, I think it's like laying on your stomach, making your anus the tallest point of your body and let the gas just rise out.

Yeah. Yeah. And much like a volcano, it's, it reeks of sulfur. Right. Yeah. Oh, it's interesting. Yeah. And also a lot like a volcano, my ass is just a mound of sediment.

If you're listening to this podcast and you're curious what it might look like. Yeah. We are filming it. Yeah, we're, oh yeah. We should say that this is one of the, we're trying to film more episodes. Marissa, a very talented videographer is helping us out today. She said, you know, I'm a fan of the show. I'm, I'm, I'm interning at college humor.

Why don't I videotape? Is it videotape? Record? Record. Record one of your podcasts. Because there's no tape in these cameras. Is there a VHS tape in there? There is.

Really? Yeah. A tiniest little, a little cassette. Cool. I don't know if this will be up because this is a bonus Thursday episode. I don't know if it'll be up. The video will be up on Thursday, but we'll put it up as soon as we get it. Sure.

So thanks Marissa and thanks for watching. If you're watching, this is an advice podcast. It's not just about my indigestion. I would talk about this all day though. Yeah. Because another thing I felt was muscle aches. Yeah. Yeah.

And like a slight fever, but that went away pretty quickly. So now you're just left with the nausea and the indigestion. Not even nausea. Oh, not nausea? Yeah. Just like a rumbly in my tumbling. Do you feel fatigued or is it really just only stomach ache? It's down to just the stomach ache part.

No. I mean, you're not even sick at this point. Yeah. You're fine. Yeah. Cool. It's called If I Were You. It's an advice podcast.

It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm the pinch. Sorry, I got to embrace it. We are going to be answering real emails from real people. Going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Yes. So why don't we just get right into it?

Let's do it. Right into it after we spend 10 minutes talking about your painful fart. All right. I got a good one. Right off the bat. This one is from a male who I'll call Pepto-Bismol. Nice. All right.

Pepto-Bismol writes, I'll shorten this down because I tend to ramble. I'm an English uni student who just got out of a long term, long distance relationship a couple months ago. I figure as next year is my master's slash last year of uni. Once and for all, I'm finally okay and comfortable with being me. It's time to embrace being single. So I'm taking a trip to Toronto solo this August for two weeks. What's the best way to quickly go from chats to dates when I'm visiting?

Did I misalign? It didn't sound like it. This is going to be interesting. How do we cut around this in a video, dude? I don't think so. All right. It's not. I didn't misalign, but he's talking about using Tinder.

Yeah. How do I? What's the best way to quickly go from chats to dates when visiting a brand new place on Tinder? The subject says Tinder, but the email did not. Cool. Yeah. We got it.

We got it. We got it. He's visiting Toronto for two weeks and he's wondering if he swipes on Tinder. What's the quickest? How do you go from talking to dating a girl if you're only there for a short amount of time? All right. Did you pick this question because we often have to do this when we're on tour?

Yeah. I mean, it just rings true a little bit. Yeah. We've done it before. Yeah. And the deal is that it will fail more often than not. Yeah. Maybe.

Yeah. Well, sure. Fine. Yeah. But that's like dating in general. In general. Right. That's nothing like unique to Toronto or whatever.

Right. I just think you have at least a higher success rate to getting responded to because, I mean, the initial question is like, hey, I'm here only for a week. Like I need a list of things to do. I need like a great place to go to dinner. Where do people go dancing? Right. That type of thing.

And people are way more eager to share like their recommendations to the city that they live in than they are to the answer just like, if you say, hey, what up? Right. Or like, hey, we should go on a date sometime. And if it doesn't go well, then I'll see you every day because I also live here. Right. But if you open it up with something like, hey, I'm only in town for a short amount of time.

What should I do? Yeah. Then they're talking about the most exciting parts of their city. And they're talking about their favorite restaurants, their favorite bars. So it's pretty logical to suggest like, are you going to be there or something? Right. And then you get that little date and then you get like a little personal tour guide. Then you get a city girlfriend.

Nothing's better than a city girlfriend. What's a city girlfriend? You just have like a girlfriend for like five or six days. Oh, I see. The benefits of being in a relationship like the comradery, the sex, the flirtation and then like none of the downsides because you're not going to get into like a major fight or have to meet her family. Yeah.

That'd be funny if that happened within the first two weeks. Okay. You're going to need to meet my grandfather. What? Yeah. He's actually really sick. I just want to see the CN Tower or maybe go to another revolving restaurant. My grandfather's in hospice and we have to visit him.

What's your recommendation for a cool nightclub in the city? A nice meal. They feed him well in hospice. They really do. Jesus Christ. This is so much. So soon. Let's do it.

I want to know where it goes. Then you're in another long distance relationship. Yeah. That's another thing that I've heard of like, I actually just heard this lady visiting a city matched with a dude, hung out with him while she was there, was a city girlfriend and then she left. They kept talking and now she moved to that city for him. What?

Yeah. It was a friend of a friend of ours. Do I know her? You don't know the girl but yeah. Jesus Christ. That's what. That's when a city girlfriend turns into a country girlfriend. She's your girlfriend for the entire country.

That way you can only cheat on her like in Canada or Mexico. Very true. Yeah. And then eventually you have a continent girlfriend. Isn't there a rule like when you're younger, I remember in high school people got different zip code. Yeah. Like zip codes are pretty easy to leave.

Yeah. Is it a zip code just like your 10 block radius? Yeah. Especially if you go down to like the next four numerals, like you can be like 90069 dash these four. It's a very specific state. That's just your block. Yeah.

You can cheat on. Different area code. But even still. Yeah. Easy to get to there too. You can cheat on a girl as long as it's out of your house. You can always cheat on somebody. It's legal.

It's just really frowned upon by everybody and cried upon by some. It's actually cried upon by a few. It's so frowned upon you cry upon it. It's angered upon. What's another face you can make? A gasp upon? Yeah. Well, that's not a face.

Is it? Like a frown. It's shocked upon. Yeah. Shocked and awed upon. And I am a pawn in this game that you call love. So what do you do when you are in a new city? You won.

Feel free to swipe away as long as you, I think with Tinder Pro now you can swipe in a city you're not even in yet. That's cool. And also, I did this when I went to Iceland. I joined, okay, Cupid and Reykjavik. Oh yeah. With that site, you can join before you actually get there. There are definitely some sites where you can set your zip code to wherever.

It didn't work out that well, but maybe because there weren't a lot of people on okay, Cupid in Iceland that might be more in Toronto. It's worth a shot. That is a good tip too. Yeah. I mean, if you're going to embrace being single, and I do say congrats on the end of your relationship, go for it. Get on every app.

And then just ask for, you don't even have to ask her out first. You just ask for recommendations. That'll invariably get her excited. Because there's nothing hotter than not feigning. If you're just going to be like, oh yeah, I'm going to these clubs. I'm going to these bars. Thanks for the recs. I might be there too.

Here's the wrinkle that we've never had to deal with. I'm taking a trip to Toronto solo. So he's by himself. We also get the benefit of being in there. Why are you in town? Oh, we're doing some shows. Oh, shows. That's intriguing.

Yeah. So, you know, we're famous comedians, so it's a little, it's going to be a little tougher. But he does have an English accent. Oh, because he's British. Yeah. So then suddenly the table. So all of a sudden. Yeah, he's basically going to, he can get way more pussy than we can.

So even if you're solo, you can still ask for where to go, what to do. If you're solo dolo, you can still ask where to go low. Do you know what I mean? I agree. I agree. So, but it is like, I think there's something intriguing about saying, by the, like, you know, I don't know how to mention it, well, I mean, I do, but you can figure out your own way to mention it organically that you're there by yourself.

That's a little intriguing. It's a little cool. Yeah. Like, why are you here? What brings you here? Why are you in town? What kind of stuff do you want to do? Oh, I'm on a self-adventure journey.

I'm realizing who I actually am because I just got out of a relationship. I actually, I have another boyfriend, so don't talk to him. It's just that I'm sort of doing this eat, pray, love shit right now and I'm starting in Toronto and I'm ending in Calgary. Eating pizza hut in the mall, just swiping away at a Panda Express. Travelling alone is very, it's weird because it's like, there are these peaks and valleys of like, I remember driving across the country, like by myself, I was like, you know, wide open road, like hiking in Arches National Park and being like, this is amazing.

This is like, I'm finding myself so empowered. And then also just like, jerking off in a holiday in Alabama and you're like, okay, this is actually the loneliest I think I've ever been. I've been Birmingham coming into a tissue on this, and like, you're always thinking like, I should, what the fuck is wrong with me? I should just like, go outside and go to a bar and try to meet a local. And I remember on one of these trips, I went to a Hooters in like, Amarillo, Texas, thinking like, I was going to walk in and there's some beautiful Hooters waitress, I'm going to make

you're driving across the country by yourself, let me come. I want to get out of here too, but I was just like, by myself, shoulders hunched, had a single bud light, there's like all these boisterous tables and dudes all around me, like, what's you doing at the bar, queer? Shut up, dude. I'm actually swiping if you guys have any recommendations for local hotspots. Do they have Tinder when you did the cross country trip? I feel like that would have changed your game a little bit.

The, yeah, they did, but I don't think I was like spending enough time. Yeah, you're it does take at least like a day to like match with someone. I mean, it's hard to go from like, matched to date in like, an hour or so. Right. But also, I think I was actually, that was when I was moving back to New York. So I wasn't on there was no Tinder yet, or I was at least wasn't on right. You know, it all sucks is the like, let's say you're like going on a trip like that and you like match with someone in Alabama, but you're already in Texas.

And it's like someone really attractive. And like, that was happening on our road trip again, because like Tinder, I don't know what it's like now, but like at the time, it was like the radius didn't really update a lot of the time. Oh, yeah. So like, I'd be swiping and then I'd match with someone cute. I'm like, why are you a thousand miles away? And she's like, oh, I live in Nashville.

Well, fuck, I'm in New Orleans. I'll let you know if I ever come to Nashville again. By that time, you'll be engaged to somebody you should be hanging out with. Fuck Christ. Not me. Ass. All right. Good luck, dude.

Yeah. I got speed. Here's another question from another dude. Okay. We'll call him cow pectate, which is another medicine you should take when you're feeling not too good in your stomach area. Nice. Well, you gave me Pepto-Bismol, but you said you never had stomach pain.

Yeah. I did it like when I had, when you have diarrhea, you take Pepto-Bismol, right? Sure. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. So I recently got invited to a birthday party and I that I don't really want to attend. The problem is that the host and all the guests are my girlfriend's friends.

I know most of the guests and I know these people don't like me. The only reason I'm invited is because I'm with my girlfriend. I don't mind these people, but I know they don't want me there. I have no interest in ruining it or making the night awkward for anyone. It wouldn't be a problem if it was a bigger event, but this is a small meetup between fewer closer friends. Even though as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to feel like this might be the most insignificant question you've ever received.

I still feel like an asshole slash jerk teenager for not wanting to go. My girlfriend is really nice and I don't want to hurt her feelings. Skipping parties has only been an issue for me since I got someone who expects me to go with them. The party's in two weeks. I'm 17 and the host turns 18 if that helps. Do you have any good excuses I can use without hurting my girlfriend's feelings? Should I just go to this party anyways?

Any advice on what you, what I should do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Okay, Cal pectate. Yeah, I would say he should go to the party. He's got a very low opinion of himself and his girlfriend's friends. It's so funny that he thinks none of them want him there. I, yeah, there's a good chance that he just has social anxiety and your girlfriend's friends just like your girlfriend and don't really care that much about you.

Yeah. So it's not that they don't like you. It's just that they don't know you and they don't care yet. But if you come to this party, maybe you'll be accepted. Maybe you'll gain some new friends and that's a nice thing. But it would be, it would be funny if he was actually a nasty little boy that nobody wants to be there. Because he sounds, he sounds like it a little bit in this, but towards the end,

he got a little more self-aware and he's like, I'm, I know I'm an asshole. Right. Uh, so do you ever try to get out of parties? What excuse is a good excuse? Um, I try to get out of parties all the time, but I think I usually just don't show up and then I text or something later that like something came up. I don't ever have somebody that's like, really needs like, you know, somebody that's like, you have to come to this party and then I have to tell them that I

don't want to go. Right. Um, there's not really a good excuse. A good rule of thumb for parties is that most people, most of the time people don't really expect or care for you to come. Yeah. This one is, it seems like this is just, it's not the party thing. It's the whether you should do your girlfriend a favor thing because it's weird

to be like, I don't want to go to this party with you and your friends. Yeah. That's the issue. Uh, so your friends hate me and I hate your friends. That's like, this is the worst or not. You know, it's one of the worst, most annoying problems to deal with in a relationship. Like it's, it's also like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your friends hate me.

So like you're going to be a miserable asshole at the party and then they do hate it because you're a miserable asshole and you make your girlfriend upset because you're really sour at the party. Yeah. So just go to the party and try to be nice to your girlfriend. That's really all that matters and make one friend at the party. Just one person you could talk to. Break up with your girlfriend.

It's not good advice. No, you should probably just go. I mean, there are worse things than going to a party. At worst, it's just one night of your life. Yeah. Um, I like that he says I'm 17 and the host is turning 18. Trying to like hope that we'd be like, whoa, that's a little weird. You shouldn't go to the party.

Yeah, that's pretty much the most normal two ages. You can be about a birthday. Well, also, and especially like having this anxiety, it makes a lot of sense that he's only 17. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Cause he's, you know, having teenage issues. Yeah.

I definitely, at this point, I know that nobody really notices me at a party. So you, you just got to go. Don't think about the party. Think about your relationship and it's going to be way more of a stress to break, uh, or to, uh, annoy your girlfriend and get into this fight and have this be a rift, just try to get over it. Get over it. Is that good advice to get over it?

Yes. Well, not all the time, but I think in this case, get over it. All right. Get over it. Uh, let's take a break and we'll be back with more right after this commercial. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking

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Heck yeah. Yes, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Are we back? We're back. This is it. We're back.

Are we back for camera? Everything is good. Yes, dude. Holy shit. Okay. Um, recording this on a Wednesday out on a Thursday bonus episode, uh, still before we go to Austin for South by Southwest. That is correct.

Our individual show is sold out. Yeah. Found that shit, dude. Thanks, bro. I appreciate that. Uh, we do have two other head gum shows that we will be at if you didn't get your tickets to our show or if you want to just extend the party. You really should.

Cause why we called it head gum a palooza. Uh, we didn't actually call it that. I've been calling it head gum a palooza to who? Everybody. Because hashtag head gum a palooza. You are very delicate handing me and I feel like you're, you just, oh, okay. Fingers falling off. That is a severe case of food poisoning to leprosy.

Yeah. Uh, but it is like, I think it's going to be like two full days of fun. I think everybody should come. Yeah. So if you haven't got your tickets, um, yet to our show or any other show, um, that email, that, uh, URL is, if I were you show.com, we'll have everything. Yeah. Cause if you like us, you might like Josh.

You might like this is why you're single. You might like gabris, the high and mighty man himself. The black man can't jump. She didn't text back Kevin teaporter. And it's more than just a show. It'll be like a gathering and get together of. Would you call it a head gum a palooza? I wouldn't do that just because of a legality.

How about gum stock? That's really good. You like gum stock? Yeah. I like it as you're going to want to tell your kids, uh, in a couple of years that you were at gum's, the original, the original. Do you remember the original gum stock? Yeah, dude.

People fucking in the mud. Yeah. That's what's going to be happening. Mud fuckers. Uh, so check it out. Uh, and if you don't live in Texas or near Texas, I guess you can come see us in Boston, Washington, DC, Brooklyn, or New Haven, New Haven, pistol waving. That's what's up.

The two O threesie. Hey, Yale, New Haven. We're doing our best to make that the most popular show. Uh, and it's doing pretty well. It's selling pretty well for a smaller city. Yeah, for a little shit town, for a little shit town. You're a shit town, dude. You're born and raised in a Fula.

It's, I wasn't, where were you born? I was born in a Fula, but I was raised in Los Angeles. There are gals raised. Trust me, your parents raised you when you were one and two. Dude, they're, they're actually raising. You're pretty damn good. No, I feel like you switched gears. Now you're just like berating me for not respecting my parents.

Whatever shame you went to calling it headstock or gum stock or whatever. Like I said, gumapalooza. Also, can I mention this table finally? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's really nice. Get a little sweep of the table here. Thank you, Marissa.

This is perfect. Now you guys, I want everyone to know, well, they, the table's shown up in some Instagram photos, I think this table has turned actually this, the table is turned. Yeah. You guys, we were gifted a table and I said, I was going to give this guy a free commercial on head gum and I never did. So here I am doing it now.

Cause I finally remembered a wild land creations made this live wood table for us. And it's an Instagram account or website. It's a website. It's an Instagram. It's got everything he, he finds trees in the woods that have already fallen down. That's how sustainable this operation is. And then he makes these gorgeous, uh, live wood copy tables and stands. And I actually think it's one of my favorite pieces of the entire studio,

but I can see there's a, there's chainsaw marks from where he, uh, he, he must have got, yeah, there's 50 trees in this thing that he just mowed down tiny hands. When it's carving this, like he, a man's hand couldn't fit into there to get the varnish on. No way. You know, he's employing child labor. This is what he wanted, right? Yeah.

Look, oh, at the bottom, Timmy, age six. Send to help. Uh, no, this is great. It looks great. It is great. It feels great. You're great. Appreciate it.

All right. That's all. Thank you. Uh, what was I going to say? Shoot, um, it's not a lot of time to think when you're being recorded. I can't read my, yeah, usually we can just like take a second. Yeah. In life, you can be like, hold on, let me think.

And then two minutes of silence is fine because you can edit. Yeah. Life is 90 years long. Uh, and this podcast is only like, uh, 45 minutes. So every literally every second is pressure. Talk to me more about life. It's just that if, if, if, if, if every, if every minute was as important as every second on this podcast, that would really make sure that, you know, you

live every day like it's your last. Live in the moment. Yeah. Exactly. Which I do in a fetal position, crying in bed. I want to treat every episode very, very violently. Actually, the Pepto-Bismol you gave me did work. Oh, nice.

No. Uh, God, what? Oh, we have a new podcast on headgum. That's what it was. Oh, Caldwells. Caldwell and Nathan. Yeah. Um, are we on the first episode?

We're not on the first episode, but we are upcoming. Uh, shots fired. The podcast is called, what should we draw? They basically talk about drawing something and then you can see what ended up being drawed, drawn, draw, drewed. What they drew. What they drew. Uh, at what should we draw dot com?

And people who followed us from College Humor should probably most definitely know who Caldwell and Nathan are. At the very least, they've seen a ton of Caldwell and Nathan's, uh, comics. Yeah, and all over College Humor for a very long time. It's basically the signature look of College Humor. Uh, and if you go to what should we draw dot com, you can listen to the episodes where they discuss what should, what they should draw and then you can see ultimately what they drew.

I don't know if it's fun, if it's better to look at the photo and be like, how did they get there? Or if they should listen to the photo, listen to the episode and then check out the photo at the end. It's up to you. Dealers choice. Really? Truly.

Uh, what should we draw a new on the head gum network? Uh, all right, let's get, let's try to answer some more questions. Okay. Back into it. Uh, this is from a girl. What's the medicine that you are talking about? Ginger ale. Oh, nice.

Isn't that a good stripper name? Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. Or like if you, if, oh, I, if you have like a red beard, kind of like I do. And, uh, your name is Dale. Gingerdale. Oh, come on, dude. Hey, talk to me, man.

Talk to Gingerdale. Why do you have to have a red beard and not just red head? You could do that too. Yeah. But I'm just trying to make myself Gingerdale. You just want to be the pinch. Fuck Vance. Fuck Josh.

I am now gingerdale. The worst, Nick. Don't you talk to Gingerdale that way. Gingerdale is very easily offended. Gingerdale. You scoff and you mock Gingerdale. There's got to be a Dale out there who's a redhead and there's, I hope to God, people are calling Gingerdale.

There's a whole family of us Gingerdale's. Gingerdale's senior. And then me. That's it. The whole family of just two people. Uh, all right. Gingerale writes, a bit of a tale for you. It's an odyssey of Beards mixed signals.

And I could seriously use some straight male insight. Okay. Are you guys ready to hear this little story? Yeah. Two years ago, I met a big bearded bear of a man. He's the lead singer of a moderately successful Canadian rock band. All seventies revival fringe and flares very sexy. We had a drunken hookup that first night we met, but as soon as he didn't have a

condom, we didn't have sex. Good on you. He got my number the next morning saying that I was the sweetest peach. How nice. We kept relatively close touch. And six months later, he had another show in my home city of Vancouver, Canada, baby. He literally flew in three days earlier to spend time with me.

Wow. Stayed at my house and everything. And you know what? He wouldn't have sex with me. He never even rounded first base. After I pressed him for reasons, he cited fear of commitment, respecting me too much and another girl from home that he's hung up on. We stayed friends and over the next six months saw each other when we were in the

same cities and love and had lovely hangouts. Despite being friends, his flirtations never stopped. Fast forward to last Thursday. He plays a show in Vancouver, texted me and put me on the guest list. We hung out after the show and he was very attentive, lovely, flirty, affectionate. And he kissed me and asked if he could sleep over. Then no sex, but lovely snuggling, explaining again that he was afraid of commitment, that he thinks too much of me to sleep with me.

I fell asleep with him lovingly stroking my face. He took me to brunch the next morning, the whole shebang. Then Friday, he had a second show, put me on the guest list again, got me backstage afterwards. This is where shit gets weird. He brought these two women backstage as well, both about 30 to 35, quite heavy and not cute to clarify. I'm 25, pretty petite and dare I say, pretty cute.

Okay. After a while, he disappeared with one of the big girls. I waited. The next dressing room over finally opens an hour later and she and him are adjusting their clothes as they exit. He fucked her while I was there and the day after all confusing, but cute reestablishing of confection. Sorry.

He fucked her while I was there, the day after all the confusing, but cute reestablishing of affection. I, of course, confronted this twat and he basically looked sad for a second, then switched to defensive and said, look, I honestly think of you just a platonic friend, ginger ale. I'm not sexually attracted to you. And then he gestured for me to leave. We haven't spoken since.

What the hell is with the mixed signals? What the hell is with the affection and loveliness? One second, then banging this gross lady while I'm there the next hate to take it out on the lady, but seriously, she's like 300 pounds would very much appreciate the if I were you insight on this. Thanks. Love ginger ale. All right.

I, this is the, there's a lot to unpack here. It's a story. Yeah. I, I do think she should not be the, the lady that he had sex with did nothing wrong. She did what this girl wanted to do. All right. So let's not hate on her, like her age or her weight.

Yeah. She got, she got fucked by the guy you were trying to get fucked by. So I get why you're mad. All right. Uh, that being said, it's not, uh, her fault. Sounds like it's his fault. And also to me, it kind of sounds like you don't have a lot of claim on this dude. Because he was the one who's constantly saying no, no, no.

Yeah. I mean, every time she tried to advance anything, he didn't accept the advance. Yeah. I mean, it's a little confusing that they like slept in the same bed and he touched your face and there are definitely some mixed signals, but I don't think there are enough signals to feel like she had any real stake and like anybody that has sex with him is like coming into her territory. Right.

The problem is this doesn't ring true with me and maybe with you. Like if we are putting in so much effort, it's to be sexual with somebody. So it's a little weird that like he went through the effort of the reaching out and guest list and this, that and sleeping over and then being like, no. That being said, there's a lot of guys out there that are kind of different. Like some that just want platonic affection. I know a lot of guys are like, I just want to cut a lot. I want to sleep.

I just want to like feel like I'm a boyfriend, but I don't necessarily want to get attached physically. Right. I don't think of sex like that. Right. It's, I guess it's like, I mean, this guy seems like he's himself a little strange, but I think that like sometimes people that have a lot of sex, like probably a hot lead singer of a band, they're, they're more intrigued by something like very

different, like an older woman or something like that versus, I mean, how many cute 25 year olds has this guy already had sex with? So he's like, now let's switch it up. Yeah. I know this guy that we grew up with. It's like one of the hottest dudes I've ever seen and he was like inside and out. Well, he was having so much sex that he, uh, he stopped being attracted to people he would normally be attracted to.

And he started having sex with like really strange looking people because like it was that kind of like fetish that got him off. Like, yeah. So that's kind of interesting. Maybe that, maybe that's what the guy's experiencing, but not that I want to comment on the ugliness of, uh, this 35 year old lady he bummed, but we should talk to that guy. Yeah.

I mean, I would love to interview this dude and be like, he's like a Ryan Gosling meets mother Teresa type slash Robin Hood, who fucks from the rich and gives to the poor. Fucks. Yeah. I think it's like prior tuck. No, try or fuck. Right. Yeah.

He fucks from the dick and gives to the whore. I don't know if I like it, but it is a good rhyme. So I'll allow it nonetheless. Uh, this story of hooking up in front of somebody that you invited over reminded me of a story that you have because it happened to you, because you were the guy. I am ashamed where you, where I'll just paraphrase and not let you, uh, clarify there, but you, you made up with another girl while on a date with somebody else. Yeah.

All right. Moving on. Uh, so why did you, okay, I thought you were moving on from the story. Like, I don't get to, no, I was just joking. What, why did that happen? Like what let, when that girl could have emailed in and be like, what is that about? I will say, like, definitely in my heyday of being a douchebag slimeball asshole, uh, you know, sorry, excuse for a man.

I, there have been many people who I've confused in the same way. Yeah. Mixed signals led on, even like slept with like been on and then like invite them to a party or they come out to a bar and they watch me leave with somebody else. That has happened plenty of times. Is it because you invite lots of people out and then you'll just choose the, like a Cupid, like whoever's closest to you. I always just thought that like, Oh, everybody's having fun.

We're all hanging out. Like it doesn't matter who I've slept with, like everybody's sleeping with everybody and like, Oh, this person's giving me attention and I want to sleep with this person. So no hard feelings, but that's, that's just me, uh, projecting the way I feel about everything onto everybody. And it wasn't me being very empathetic because many people have sex and kind of feel like, uh, it's a bigger deal than a handshake that said the most egregious

thing I ever did was take somebody out on a date. And while they were in the bathroom, I started making out with somebody else and then that person just tapped me on the shoulder and I looked up, like I was going to, like I was surprised and she said, um, bye. And, and, uh, that was it. That was that, you know what the problem is? People constantly preach the golden rule, treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

Right. The problem is when you don't respect yourself, suddenly that rule gets twisted. I, that was one of the most dangerous things that I, that I was doing to myself is I thought I was a monster and I was amused by it because I hated myself so much. I'm like, Oh Jake, you scoundrel, you piece of shit, you dirty dog. And I kind of like, and, and I owned it in a way that wasn't good. Like when you're that much of a monster, you should have a little bit of, um, what is the word?

Like empathy? Yeah. Well, I should have had more empathy, but like I should have also taken it a little less lightly and been like, Hey, people actually really hate you. Like that girl that I invited out on a date, uh, you know, that's, it's a funny story for me and it's like a horrible story for her. Right. What is that?

Lap in the face. Yeah. I, and like I, I got like a funny story and I made out with somebody and like, you know, she got very hurt by that. She got emotionally pranked. That confuses somebody. If, if a girl invited me out and then I went to the bathroom and she was making out with somebody, what would you do?

I guess we'll, to be honest, I would probably laugh. See, that's the problem. I guess so. I mean, people care. So you just assume other people don't care. And that's the thing about empathy of like understanding where what she, like, what was, like, what was her night, right? Like she probably didn't get drunk before our date.

Like I did. She probably came home from work. Maybe she was even looking forward to the date all day. Maybe she like spent some time like primping herself and making herself look pretty and who knows what's going on with her family or her job or her past relationships, like the, the billions of experiences she had leading up to this moment where I rather than appreciate her and the attentive to her, um, just was like scanning the room for anybody else to fuck.

If, if I didn't think I might fuck her that night. Right. Uh, so yeah, it's, it's, and maybe you could have. The fuck you could have hooked up with her. Yeah. There's a possibility that like I could have, if I was more open, uh, kissed her, dated her, married her, had a kid with her. Maybe that kid grows up to be the next president of the United States of America.

That's a pretty cool thing. And you threw it all away. Yeah. For some drunken make-out set. Actually ended up marrying that girl. Yeah. And that kid is the president. That kid, that, that kid is, is Ted Cruz is Donald J.

Trump, you have to start preparing yourself for a world where Donald Trump is our president. You get that, right? It's not a long shot anymore. We are here. I'm looking at property in Sydney. We are. Do you trust in you?

That's what they, honestly, that's what they want. They wanted the liberals to leave. But when, what happens, you know, when Trump becomes president, I'm buying property in America because this is my country, 58th floor. You are, you're caucusing for Trump. You were in Nevada last night. I'm caucusing. I'm canvassing.

I'm, I'm all of it. I'm all in. Will you caucus for me? Will you caucus for me? I was going to say that for that lady that you're talking about, the billions of experiences, uh, whether she liked it or not, at one point in time, everything that she did in her life led her up to that one moment. So for that one moment, that was the climax of her life.

Like everything is leading up to right now. Yeah. This is, this is the sum of everything. And there's, there's something empowering about that. That being like rock bottom, okay. Let's, let's be a little more scrutinizing about who I go out with. And then just in your, um, uh, another one of your, um, accolades of how could you, our text messages, that wasn't the last time you saw that girl.

We did have a follow-up. Yeah. And if anybody's, if anybody's experienced this and needs some help, uh, Oh, text Jake is closed. Yeah. But I dug myself out of that hole and it was, it was some expert texts. That should have been the testimonial on text Jake.com. Yeah.

Uh, I guess if you still have, if you purchase the text, you can still redeem them. That's true. Uh, Nazar time. Uh, all right, cool. Uh, that's it. That's our show. Thanks for listening. Uh, if you're watching one day on the YouTubes, thanks for watching.

Uh, if you have an e a question for us or a theme song submission, uh, everything is going to if I were you show at gmail.com. By the way, did we ever answer this girl's question? Really? Uh, I think we explained what the mixed signals were that like it didn't mean as much to the guy as it meant to her. Yeah. Um, I was practicing empathy and I do feel sorry for this girl.

And I, and, um, what's her name? Uh, ginger ale. Yeah. She, the, I don't go for guys like that in general, the confusing guys that are having too much sex. Yeah. And musicians and artists are kind of conflicted and like that. They travel, they like are emotional.

They're, they don't, they don't, they're not. This girl probably needs somebody a little bit more dependable than a guy who comes every six months, sleeps over a house, strokes her face, and then bones somebody else and that being said, if that is your relationship and you like that, then I think you just take the, take the ups with the downs and like you like seeing him and spending time with him. And he's, you know, he's going to be confusing and weird and have sex with other people, but you can't enjoy it.

Then yeah, take the good with the bad, as he said. Um, cool. Uh, the opening theme song was written by, oh, I forget. Dan. Ginger Dale. Dan, did I write that one? Dan Rafi. And this closing one is written by David White, uh, back on Monday next week, as

usual, uh, and again, we'll be in Austin, Boston, DC, uh, Brooklyn, uh, New Haven. Don't forget New Haven. New Haven. Everybody else does, uh, all the tickets and all the information that if I were you showed.com. See you later, everybody. Jake and the house-dishing advice. That's kind of cruel, but at least it's free and your anonymity will be preserved

safely behind the name they heard on TV. At least I think it was on TV. I'm not entirely sure. They must watch a lot of TV. I don't know. Have the fucking names. So what are you waiting for? Turn your computer on, send that shit to if I were you.

That was a hate gun podcast.