If I Were You - 203: Thick Skin (w/Daren and Will!)

Episode Date: February 29, 2016

Friends, comedians, and fellow HeadGum podcasters Daren Von Girdner and William Haynes join us to discuss bad roommates, loud sex, and our upcoming shows in Austin!This episode is brought to you by HeadSpace, Squarespace, and Ring.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you, I'd write an email to Jake and Amir, filled with detail. About George, if it's a problem, let the mad ass fuck ass over. That's what I'd do if I were you. I'm talking about Jake and Amir. If I were you, show not to come. Darren, that was you, right? I will take the credit.

I'll take it. Everyone's straight jack black at the end. Oh yeah. Very deep. Sorry, continue. I didn't realize you do the intro in real life. That was just a post thing. Well, I play it just so we can get in the mood.

And then we can talk about it. Who wrote it? Great question, Jake. Hope you guys like it. It's a crossover. Two for one kind of a theme. Enjoy. And his name is, I guess, pseudonym is one clip left.

Oh, that's kind of violent. One clip left. A clip like a gun clip? What are we talking here? It's definitely not a paper clip. Of course, because that's not threatening. That was death metal. That's really funny.

I have one paper clip left or like one YouTube clip left. And then I go in a bed. I keep watching these dunk contest highlight reels. And I really have to go to sleep. I love these clips. I have one clip left. Do you guys ever think about having another brother? In addition to...

Yeah, you too. What if I just slipped in? Oh, you want to be a third? Jake and Amir and Will. Yeah. Oh, so now you're cutting me out. I know, Darren. This was my idea when we were walking up the stairs.

No, no, no, no. You got your own cool guy shit coming on. You're a musician now. Yeah, you're too good for us, all right? Well, you're pretty cool too. Thanks. I just, you know... I don't know.

Being a thing, though. That's what I'm saying. I know, yeah. A few are some whoresome. Or I can leave and you guys can be the new two. I would honestly, I was hoping you would... I wanted to plant the seed that you would sow. Yeah.

As I'm sitting here, I'm realizing I've received a lot of influence from you guys in my life. Because I've literally been watching you for years. It's so fun to hear that because you're much cooler than you I ever was, let alone when I was 22. No, I'm not. Look, I'm like, I just like... You're definitely cooler. I have to better at hiding it. Oh, yeah.

Does anyone actually think they're cool? Like... Cool people don't think they're cool. That's what makes them cool. Oh, shit. That's what Marge said on The Simpsons once. So you know it's true. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. As soon as you think you're cool, you're not cool. Yeah. Sometimes I think I'm cool. But most of the time, I know that I'm not. But every once in a while, I'm like, oh, that was pretty cool. That's where I'm at. Sometimes I think Marge is hot.

She is hot. Like, yeah, right? And the lowest from family guys. Like, you know what? Most of family guys are really hot. You like cartoon moms. I do. I'm not going to lie.

I'm a mom. What the fuck? What's wrong with you? That's like the first shit that I got into. Hey, who are these guys actually? Oh, that's a great question. Yeah, we should introduce them. Darren and Will.

Hello. How are you? Darren and Will, I'm staring at two very hip, cool, like I said, 22, 25-year-old, reminding us of how old Jake and I were when we started making videos together. But it seems... Your age difference is the exact same as ours, right? Yeah. I think we were 22 and 25.

That's kind of a beautiful thing. Yeah. You guys have a podcast on our network, amongst many other things. But your podcast is She Didn't Text Back, which is sort of a younger, hip, or cooler if I were you. I'm so happy that that's ever even been like fucking reference. I will take that title. I'll take it.

I will take it. We're the top of your website. We should make t-shirts that say that. Hit me with that slogan again. Younger, hip, or cooler if I were you. Write that bitch down. You know... I'm just implying that if I were you is cool in the first place.

Yeah. I have to give myself a little bit of credit. Yeah. I mean, Darren and Will are here talking to me after all. There you go. I want to be you for a day, Amir. Can I be honest? I think we should switch for a day.

We should. Like, it would be the most incredible thing because I couldn't do it. I think you'd be a lot more bored than you think. But like, okay, so the things that you do, like I see you have right here, like your laptop and your equipment, everything you do, it's like... Yeah. This is my comfort zone. Yeah.

Doing too much. Doing too much at once. You like to be spread thin. Mm-hmm. Well, first of all, right off the bat, you have to wear a night guard because your teeth are grinding in the middle of the night. I saw that in the bathroom. Yeah.

I saw that in the bathroom. You're wearing a... I'm fucking disgusted. If you want to be me for a day, you got to start by wearing this plastic retainer that I wear to sleep to prevent my enamel pain. You wake up and drink a cup of Soylent. Yeah. You do the Soylent thing?

Yeah. I just learned about that like two days ago. We got a fridge full of it, dude. But it's healthy, right? Wait, I thought you were only supposed to do... I saw you eating some agaroles. No, no, no. Well, I didn't...

I don't do exclusively. I don't... I'm not off-food and on-sour. I use it as like a quick meal replacement. Like, oh, I'm on the go. I don't have a lot of time. I got to get full of something ideally more healthy than like a candy bar. Does that actually like make you feel full?

It does. For like two to four hours, it does fill you up. Really? Yeah. Holy shit. So that's how that works? We usually don't do the ads in minutes five. But yeah, that is how that works.

So, I'm trying to get me some of this Soylent shit. And then how long do you feel energy for? This is amazing. It feels like we're... I cannot stress that this is not a paid advertisement anymore. Doesn't it feel like this is like that old-timey thing where like somebody... Hey, I could use that medicine. I've got a little...

Oh, you, sir. Come on up on stage. Yeah, you get a load of this Colgate Tooth... Powder. Okay. Tooth powder. So, I found out about you guys' videos in 2008. Yeah.

By my friend Catherine, who to this day... Shout out to her. Huh? Shout out to her. Shout out to Catherine. She still listens to this. Really? Oh, so hot.

She always talks about it. She found out that I knew you guys. It was furious that I hadn't brought it up. Was she hot? Oh, let's please hook them up. Y'all got to go and just do the do. But that's all I'm going to say. Do the do and get it done.

I'd love to just follow her on Instagram. My iPhone's on airplane mode right now. 2008, when I hear 2008, I'm like, oh, that's not that long ago. That was eight years ago. You were 14. You were in eighth grade when you were watching her videos. Oh, wait. Well, mate.

No, I'm sorry. It was 2009. It was the next. But still. Dude, you're really good at math. Thanks, bro. He's really quick at math. I don't think I could have done that.

I needed my fingers and everything. Oh, yeah. I could do 16 minus eight like that. I'm counting behind my back, but at the same time, it's like you guys don't even know about it yet. That's impressive. Actually, 16 minus 11, five. Give them a two-digit multiplication table.

Yeah, I'll hit them with it. Oh, two times. Oh, 10 times 14. Yeah, 140. Right off the bat. 9 times 13. Oh. That wasn't a two-digit.

130 minus 13, which is 117. You did it. You really did it. 19 times 29. So what I do is I'll do 20 times 29, which is 580 minus 29. So that's 551. Wow, you are very smart. I hope that's right.

19 times 29. I hope it's 551. I don't even want to know if it's wrong or not. I don't want to know. You're smart. Can we restart? Yeah, we're confident. Because you had such confidence with it.

You're holding that mic like you're the fucking boss in this room and just telling me what it is. I know you guys freestyle. I know. I know. Like, can we please do this together? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah.

Wait, you actually freestyle? Hell, yes. That's communication. I don't act. We do it for fun. I wouldn't say like we're professionals. I would be really nervous to do it in front of you guys. Really?

No. Because you guys are cooler than Amir. No, no, definitely. I'm definitely bad at it. I take my freestyles 100% serious. That's what I'm afraid of. Wait. I take them serious too.

So if I fuck up. Are you guys equally good? No. No. Are you one of you's better than the other? I don't know. I think one of us, some days we have good days and others we don't. Yeah.

Because there's days I feel like I was like, oh shit, that was actually kind of good. And then there's days like, oh, that was fucking embarrassing. We should delete that. And he has the same. So what about you guys? I'm almost always out of the delete that. Yeah. That's a fun category to be in.

Once you like hit like a certain zone, you're like, oh, that was pretty good. You know, we're better at is like freestyle singing where you can like stop and thinking about it. Cause like rapping is like I'm sprinting towards a cliff and I don't know if I can build it long enough for me to like stay afloat. I think like what I've learned about it is like, it's just, it's literally for me how I do is I say anything stupid. I really just think of what I try to tell myself a story in my brain and just say it out loud.

And it's always terrible. For me, if I'm sucking, I'm doing real good. How do you guys freestyle? Like one of you beatboxes, the other freestyle? No, we have like this. We find an app that beats. No, no, an app that just has all the words. Yeah.

It's just, it's just itunes. It's a clip of Eminem. Yeah. It started from, we used to go on YouTube years ago and like type in rap beats for you because there's, there's thousands of them. And in the comments, people will like write their own and then Darren and I would say them and they are terrible. Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

That's like my first memory of our friendship. Yeah, they like write their own lyrics. Go to any, any hip hop beat on YouTube and there's lyrics that are awful. They just, go ahead and recite them with your friends. It's fun. And yeah, you just have to do them live. It's a fun game. Where are we?

I feel like this is what we could, we could, Jake and I could probably write up a half decent rap. We've done like the spoken word stuff where it's like, it sounds, it sounds. That's my strong suit. So spoken word poetry, because when I start freestyling, I start thinking, I'm worried about a beat and I'm like thinking about, oh, I fucked this up. And then I'm like, it doesn't matter if I make a rhyme or not. Everybody's like, oh, he's not musically inclined.

But if I can do a spoken word poetry or I can like take the, like I can turn thinking into a long pregnant pause. I like that. Yeah. What you said you're good at or you feel like you can write a rap. I feel like we could. Can we please like, we're going to plan it now. Wow.

You guys are going to write your rap and we're going to write ours and then we'll battle. Can we do this tracks? Can we pretend like we're like the problem is we respect each other so much. Like we were just on your podcast. I think the episode comes out today and we were just effusively praising each other. You guys saying how much you watched our stuff growing up and we're like, oh, no, you guys are doing so well. You guys are all ahead of the curve.

You're so much cooler and better than we were at your age. I don't know what the rap would be. I'm like even better. Yeah. It makes it better. We didn't mean any of that. You got to dig deep. Can I get anti-semitic on a beat?

Is it all right? Yeah, definitely. You've been asking the question. Yeah, sure. Just go for it. I mean, you already wrote for it. Oh my God. No, you didn't just do that.

Drop a Drake lyric. He did. We danced to a lot of Drake at your party. Go for it. Before we even get to you guys, I just want to talk to you guys about what our show is. Will, you said you've been listening for a bit. So you probably are. But in case anybody out there is listening for the first time, this is an advice show.

Yeah. It's called If I Were You. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Jake and I. Oh, true. Yeah. Anonymity. Yeah, that's right. Shit.

You taught me that word. Use it in the rap battle, guys. Save it. One of my favorite If I Were You memories is, and I was, this is when I had, I was in my t-shirt factory and I wasn't even making t-shirts. I had to put them into a fucking bag and zip it up and put a mail order on it. I got so many of them wrong. So many people got the wrong shit.

I don't give a fuck. I was mad. But I hated that part so much and I remember I was hearing, you guys tell a story of, I think Jake went to Israel and there was something, something happened with some guy on a bus. Somebody was cheating. Oh yeah, somebody got jerked off on the bus. Yes. Funniest shit I've ever had in my life.

Yes. How do you get jerked off? Like, the way you say that is like, that's just- They got a handshake. It happens. It happens to them. I got jerked off. Yeah, like as if you got mugged.

What's happening to Jake? You're jerking me. I got jerked off. Knock it off. I'm trying to get to a destination. You're going to realize throughout this episode that we interrupt a lot and I'm sorry. No. No, you guys are great.

You were doing the intro and you sounded so good. Very polite. You were professional. Very polite. You almost got to a question. So I want you to go ahead and continue where you were. Well, where we are is basically trying to answer some of these questions. You're a director.

He moves. You guys know if we're going to give these real emails from real people fake names. Preserve there. Anonymity. Anonymity. I got to get one right off the bat. You guys could make that a t-shirt. Anonymity?

Anonymity. You really should. Maybe even around Halloween. I like that. It's like a witness protection program thing. I love it. Oh, yeah. We need a girl's name.

Will or Darren. Sally Doodup. Holy shit, that was fast. Will, where were you on that shit? I don't know. Women Amir. You whispered Sally Doodup. Why'd you put me on blast?

I just fucking slept on that. You slept on that and she supported it. Sally Richardson. All right. We'll get the next one. Sally Doodup writes, Howdy, I'm in college at Portland State University. I live in the dorms and during the fall term, I did not have a roommate because she moved out due to the fact that she was racist and homophobic and quote, didn't feel welcome

in Portland. I got a roommate in the beginning of the winter term, which started in January and she's the worst. The old roommate had a machete and hated gays and she was better than the current one. What? My current roommate, let's call her and then she says, that's her actual name, so I don't want to say it. Sally Doodup too.

She face times her boyfriend until one or two in the morning every night and keeps me awake. This wouldn't be a problem. Worse than being racist. Yeah. Or homophobic. It continues. This wouldn't be a problem, but I have class at 7 AM every weekday due to work and early

morning classes. She isn't even quiet about it. She squeals and laughs and yells babe until they hang up. Sometimes they play video games online together and it's even louder. She has Skype sex with him while I'm in the room trying to sleep. No way. She's talking to me right now and sorry, she's talking to him right now. I have both earphones in and that's why this dumb fuck is an actual nightmare.

Some quotes are, I want your body against my body and show me your little buddy. That's how you do it. That's how you talk dirty. This girl is the worst. Her boyfriend came last week for five days, one of which was my birthday and I couldn't sleep in my own room so I ended up sleeping in the show dorm that's on my floor. I gave a housing tour so I unlocked the door after one before the boyfriend came. I texted her asking if she could text me if they ever wanted quote alone time and I would

stay out of the room but she refused and I walked in on them multiple times last week. Anyway, I'm getting really tired of this late night FaceTime calls and I was wondering how should I get her to stop. I hate confrontation so that is the last step. I'm not too sure she would listen to me anyways, she's very thick. I was thinking that when I wake up in the mornings I could call one of my friends on the east coast and talk loudly until she leaves work but that's probably not the best solution. Help.

I don't know what to do. Thanks. I'm sorry. DUDUP says too much words. P.S. That was a very long year now. We gotta start editing them. P.S.

Jake, what are some good poetry books? Oh. You know what? I think I already recommended Good Poems curated by Garrison Keeler but also any Mary Oliver book I think is... Is this real? Yeah. I love poetry.

That was a real question she asked? Did she really? That was a P.S. You know what? That's a major sex move right there, Jake. Major. Okay. You know what?

I'm gonna go down. Then I realized that it got me laid and then I got even more into poetry and now I just actually like it. Yes. It's kind of crazy. Can you imagine she walks into your room, you know? She sees like, you know, this is what you're working with, this is who you are and she sees what's on the end of the bed.

I can't even tell you how many times the Good Poems book, honestly every guy listening or girl, I guess girls don't really get laid from poetry that somebody's back in their house, they already want it but having the Good Poems book by my bed and everybody in inevitably asks, like, do you really read it? And I say, yeah, and then they don't believe you and then you open it up and you've like starred a bunch of your favorite poems and then they read one and it's over. It's as if you wrote it. Yeah.

But you didn't write it. No. Do you ever recite that? I, somebody's made me do that once but I really hated it. Oh, really? Really? Oh, I would love it. That's like the freestyle comments.

Reading somebody else's poetry. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's like kind of nice but I felt like I was taking credit for it so I didn't. Sometimes you got to do that and that's okay. It was Philip Booth. The poem first lesson got me laid. Did you guys go to college?

Oh, yeah. No. Yes, I did for three years. Which college? Which college? Oh, I don't even want to say it but it's right down the street from where you use the lip. Oh, wait, is that too much?

Wait, that's funny. Is it Pierce? No. It's a film. I went to a film school and I just, this question brought me back to I fucking hated it. I say it's Columbia College of Hollywood. Got it.

But it was, but that's because I was too young. When you go, my dad wanted me to go to film school so bad I was 17, graduated. Most people were like, okay, maybe I'll chill at home for a little bit. He's like, nope son, you got to go August, August 1st down here. So sent me to college all the way to fucking Tarzana at 17 years old. It was the worst shit of my life. Wait, Columbia College of Hollywood is in Tarzana, California? Yeah.

That's funny. Yeah. It's not great. It's not great. But did you have dorms and stuff? Did you have to deal with this stuff? They didn't have dorms. They had an apartment building.

No. So they said, oh, we have a deal where you pay too much over here. It was a very small college though. Yeah. It's not like a university. Did you go to college there? I did not. Right after high school, it just worked.

Jake went for like a couple of years, but you experienced the freshman dorm thing. I did one year living on campus. The freshman university? Yeah. I dropped out of college eventually, but I did one year like a true freshman living in a dorm. I also had the roommates. I mean, I don't think anybody gets a great roommate.

What's the craziest thing about college? One of the craziest things is that you have to live with a stranger in your room. A room smaller than this is what you have to like, imagine walking up to a random guy at a party. How little you would get along with a random human and that you have to live in an eight foot by eight foot room with this human. There's no long learn on top of that. There's no way it's ever going to get along.

I mean, people fall in love and in relationships, they decide to move in together and it destroys the relationship. Imagine people that don't get along having to be in the same room for a year. The guy that I had to move in with into the apartment complexes isn't even a thing. He was the exact opposite for me. I was so incredibly nerdy and I still am. But I couldn't even talk back then and he was just like, do you want to go to the club and grind on chicks?

I was fucking terrified, but I learned a lot from him. That's what, if you find someone, he'd tell you how to grind. Not quite, but he would do it in front of me. He had this friend that was so hot. The reason I remember her, I remember his friend, I would always see her. She was Colombian and the only, I would always be like, I just want to get her pregnant. I don't know why. Just lock it up.

Yeah. I was like, seal the deal. Did she go to Columbia College because she was Colombian? Nope. She didn't even go there. He had girlfriends. That was incredible. What about you, Jake?

Did you have a good roommate? You had been a dorm, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I had a problem with my roommate. He was like a decent guy, but I just had a problem with living in dorms. At a certain point, everyone is, everyone's disgusting. We just used to get drunk and turn the trash can over in the hallway.

Yeah. Just for fun. Why on earth would I do that? White boy's disease. White boy stuff. That's so dumb. I don't know why you both said white boy disease. It's a common thing in our life.

That's a white boy thing. What is that? It's a white boy thing. That's obviously a white boy thing. What is it he's drunk at? Minorities have to clean this shit up in the morning. Get him drunk? I'm not going to do that to your mom.

I'm not going to do it because everybody on the floor was white. Exactly. Exactly. So what did non-white people do for fun? See, minority people would have just smoked too much weed. I don't know. Play it safe. Smoke weed.

Stay at home. Watch a movie. What else? See, this is why you guys are cooler than us. You understand? You don't worry about consequences at the young age. Oh, God, I hate you. The worst thing that could happen to me is my RA would say, hey, will you clean up the

garbage? Like, I didn't do it. Fine. Someone else is going to do it. I remember with the white boy in our apartment floor did, he just, you know, the fire extinguisher thing, he punched it and broke it. And that was it. Just for fun?

He was mad. He was drunk. He was sweet. But it was by our apartment. So we were like, oh, we hope our landlord lady doesn't think we did it because we're the local, you know, Mexican and negro. I'm sorry. Which one are you?

I don't know. That's the craziest part. I don't know yet. Not only is it you're living in a room with a stranger, it's like, also, this building is filled with 18, with teenagers who are first getting their taste of independence. What could possibly go wrong? What could possibly go wrong? I was just saying this to my friend, okay, I went to 17 years old.

For me, at that point, this is when you're like, horniness is at its peak. How the fuck am I supposed to learn when this girl is going to forever? 21 every weekend? Get in the skippy shit that Lady Gaga just had on. That's why I wanted to get antsy. Oops. Now you're doing shit I always do. You know, I just did it by accident.

I bet everyone is having sex. It's probably dangerous. No, I was not having sex in college. But I thought you didn't do like a dorm thing. I think that's different, right? For the dorm thing, it's like, it's too easy. I would have loved to been like cool, confident, hot as like an 18 year old in the dorm where you're just like walking around meeting freshman girls, like being the man about town.

I had no friends in high school, so like that, there was no way I could have like went to college and just like fucking had a bunch of sex. You couldn't have peaked. So when did you start having a lot of sex? 16. When you were in high school, you were having a lot of sex? 15, yeah. How, you seen how Darren looks and shit?

Darren's mixed race. Those people get fucked. Darren's hot. Have you seen, you've eaten that with this guy and he just gets ladies all over him all the time? It's actually kind of terrible for me. Like how am I supposed to grow up and become sexually independent when like, like Darren has met so little of my like women's that I've been dating. I realize it's because I didn't want to bring him around him.

They're going to take one look at that and be like, oh, he's like him, but hotter. How do I upgrade? How does one homie hop? Which is actually the next question. This girl said, I don't want to, I'm not, I'm very non confrontational, but she also dropped this girl's actual name. Yeah. So it was confrontational.

Well, she's trying to have us do it for her. Like publicly call her out. She's just hoping that she listens to this podcast and we can set her straight. She doesn't listen to podcasts. She has a boyfriend. I mean, how terrible of a human do you have to be to have Skype sex while your roommate is six feet away in a bed? Just fucking, fucking a guy on an over phone.

Where else are you going to do it? Yeah. Where else? That's the thing. I actually think some people, what I've learned is I had a friend that would always Skype me when she was like around other people. Some people are like a little bit embarrassed to like talk to somebody and they need an audience to do it. Oh, I'm the exact opposite.

I get a phone call from like a girl that I'm seeing. I'm fucking sprinting out of earshot so that I can be like, hey, hi. Yeah, I'm totally alone. Every relationship I've ever been in included me like explaining the way I picked up the phone was a bit or something because I don't want a mirror to hear me answer. Hey, baby. Yeah. It's always like, it's always a joke of like being extra mean when you pick up the phone.

What do you want? I'm like, hey, are you okay? No, you know what? I just got to perform for my boys. Yeah, it's like there's like two different types of people because there's some people that we even know in our personal life who will just drop everything. Hey, baby, I love you. I miss you so much in front of everyone.

Yeah. You hang up the phone after that conversation. I don't know. What were we talking about? Yeah, this is hot. Yeah, that's like some people anyway. They are willing to do it and I respect it. I do respect it.

It's basically, do you want to have a fight with your friends or with the girl that you're talking to? But also this girl has to just deal, to give this girl advice, I think she at this point just has to deal with it. Oh, you got to get a new roommate. Yeah, next year you get a new roommate. That's what freshman year is. You just, it sucks.

You're a Delta shithead. I've had a friend had a roommate so bad that he straight up like left and like requested a change. Yeah, you can do that too. You can request a change. You don't want to be that bitch. No, I say like put a virus on the phone and the computer and then problem solved. Put a virus.

You just unplug the Wi-Fi or something and then all of a sudden just use your data. Change the password. Change the password of the Wi-Fi. There you go. Yeah, I don't think it's that easy because it's probably like a building-wide thing. Let's not get technical. Pull the fire alarm every once in a while. Or get yourself a boyfriend on campus and start sleeping out his shit.

So are we supposed to give real advice? Yeah, you can give real advice. What would you do in this situation? If the person in my dorm was constantly having Skype sex, I would say something. I would just call him out. I can hear you. Yeah. Hey, I'm right here.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Cool. Don't want none of that. Yeah. Go to the library or something. I don't know. I would call him out though.

Yeah, I guess like if you establish yourself as the type of person that will just, you know, call somebody out. If you're really not, can't she tell on her? Can't she be like, I'm tattling on her. You don't want to go that route. You don't want to go that route. Yeah. Just say it once and it will solve all the problems.

It's a tattle. It's a call out and I would, I think I would, um, I would leave. I, I just, I removed myself from the negative situation. Yeah. You would tattle then leave. Is that what you said? No, I wouldn't tattle. I would, I would just get in this thing you could do.

Like this girl, she apparently has a key to the sample dorm. I would be living there. Yeah. What the fuck is a sample dorm? It's like, oh, this is where they, this is where a human would live. And they show you a nice clean room. I definitely sleep in there. Yeah.

I remember when I was 18, looking at like the sample dorms, like on the college's website and like, oh, here's like the lobby. Here's, oh, in the bedroom. This looks pretty nice. Spacious. Every single one had like two fucking bunk beds. It's a prison. Oh, wow.

It might as well have been a prison. And I was like, this one's perfect. Sometimes there's three. Three in a room. Did you guys have that? Yeah, we did. Three people, like a bunk and then a lofted bed above desks. That is too many people.

You can't, I didn't jerk off. Yeah. You could not be like, Oh man, I knew my roommate schedule better than mine. I knew exactly when he was in class. I knew every, I knew his fucking every single move. Wasn't it also like a community shower?

Yeah. Is that a thing? I would just jerk off. That sounds horrible. The best weekend of my life was the weekend his grandma died and had to go home. You killed her. Oh my God. Oh yeah.

Small price to pay. All right, pay baby, but shit. It's fucking great. You know what? I just realized that like, I have so many. 48 hours to jerk off? Yeah. When you were 18?

Like that's a, that's, it's striking. That's gold. Oil. Yeah, it's gold. Oh shit. I've had a memory forever. Deathbed. Yeah.

Like, yeah. As an adult now, I feel like I can jerk off whatever I want. It's not a free fucking feeling. That's so great. How do they expect you to learn in these institutions of education? Well, you can't go and fucking up. You know, I, teacher, I can't learn anymore because I'm fucking horny. I'm full of love.

I can't concentrate. We all know men can't think straight unless they enter the tech and go, oh yeah, I don't really like her. Yeah. Yeah. Once you remove all of your sexual deviancy. Yep. In the seed.

All right. So let's take a tally that's two for leave this person alone. Yeah. I would just fucking get away. What? You would say leave? I mean, I would, especially when I was in college and still now, I don't think I'm very confrontational.

I would just deal with it. Really? Yeah. I would just deal with it. So like put some headphones in and just try to go to sleep. Yep. I would definitely say some shit. Yeah.

Am I the only one? Am I alone? No. I mean, I think you're right, but I don't think I would do it. Really? Yeah. That is what you should do. I think I've realized in life that you just communicate and it solves all your problems.

Yeah. I mean, if you, I think I call this the pure heart rule. If you do this, like you're not harboring any like long lasting ill will. You're staying right in the moment like, Hey, don't do that. Right. And it's over. And she stops spray her with a water bottle like a cat. The beautiful thing is that you're not in the wrong.

No. And it's like, I don't hate you. You're not a bad person. I just want you to stop doing what you're doing right now and it's over after that. Right. But I'm the kind of, I do the, in this situation, I do the wrong thing, which is that I let it like, I build resentment and I'm just like, yeah, she does this all the time. Fast.

Fucking worse. You start talking shit to all your friends. And I hate the boyfriends. Yeah. You don't even know the boyfriends. He's whipping out his little buddy. Yeah. How can he do that though?

Like, you know what you were saying? Like you said you run for the hills. Yeah. How could you be like showing? Oh yeah. Here's my little biggie out here. Like when she's on the phone with someone in the room. Maybe she doesn't know.

Maybe he doesn't know. The next time the little buddy's about to come out, just like pop your head into frame and be like, I'm here too. And then the boyfriend will never want to. I could never. I definitely want to have more friends. I think I was talking to you earlier about like Skyping people and like maybe Skype sex.

I could never do that shit. That's why. Even in privacy? Yeah. I'm not about that. Yeah. That's weird. I'm not about jerking off my dick in front of somebody.

Like those cameras. Like a camera. What about like cam girls? Can you imagine doing that? Oh Christ. Anonymous. Me being the cam girl. Me watching the cam girl.

You as a little woman girl. I would be a really good cam boy. Me too. I was a Thai lady boy. I would. I would kill it. I would hook up like a really Chris Mike. So like it would be a lot of voice step.

It'd be like this mic. ASMR stuff. I'd be like sometimes I'd be like, you know, straight out of prison about to jerk off my dick in front of you. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. You know, sometimes I'm like part of the Jackson pie. Do they have cam boys?

I think we have a friend. I can't remember who it is currently, but they did cam boy stuff for a little bit. Cam boy? Who the fuck is that? No. Was it cam Newton? No. It's cam Newton, but I know about cam Newton.

It's gonna fucking bother me. It's gonna bother me. One of our friends is a cam boy. It used to be for a little bit. Was it like on the low or was it? Definitely. It didn't put the face in it. Which I found interesting.

I do not know about this. I know our friend that was a cam girl. I know that one too. Yeah. You guys got any of those? Cam girl. We also friends that just straight up do the porn. Me too.

I think we have a mutual friend. We probably do. There's our little buddy. We'll talk about that later. Remember that time that we all like, you know what I'm saying? I'm just kidding. I don't know her. I just want to insinuate.

Do you guys, do you feel like you help the world with the podcast? I feel like a little bit one at a time, whether we're giving advice or making people enjoy their otherwise boring commute, we're helping. Micro helping. We do our best. I mean my brother's a doctor and he saves lives and it's not quite that helpful. Your brother's actually the kind of doctor. I feel like it's up to par.

Same guy. I don't know. You don't know what kind of doctor he is. He operates on high risk pregnancy. Yeah. Yeah. On what? If there's a baby that's at risk of dying, he operates on the baby inside the mom.

Whoa. That's a thing. Yeah. He'll fix babies, unborn babies. That's the kind of good doctor he is. So if you're doing a podcast, it's sort of that. So your parents are really proud of you brother? My parents love their son.

Yeah. Is he an older brother? Yeah. Is it even better that you can say, mom, I'm dating this guy? Well, you know, he operates on babies. Yeah. He's a doctor. There's nothing safer than that.

That's what I want to say. I want to date a doctor. Wouldn't that be amazing? Yeah. That would be cool. Well, their schedule would probably be hectic. I've been watching Scrubb. You also really got to date a real doctor.

Because what if you're dating a doctor and then you find out they're like just a... Watch tread lightly right now. Tread lightly. Tread lightly. I don't know. Dentist. That's important. My girlfriend's a doctor.

What kind of doctor? Teeth doctor. You get a dentist. I mean, a deep doctor. But then orthodontist is a step up because, you know, that might be like a private practice. Yeah, you're making some money. But you're not saving anybody's lives. Oh, man.

I've had a molar or two that, you know, would have taken me out. You ever had a roof canal? You ever had a roof canal? Who are you to save? Me neither. You're not really saving anybody's lives. You set up comedian. I set up dentists.

I set up dentists killing themselves all the time. Oh, my God. Oh. I want to... Oh, you get an award for that. You get an award for that. You just got an award with that for me. Oh, man.

I love fucked up shit. Let's take a small little break. I think a sponsor or two. And then we'll be right back with more Darren and Will. It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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Thank you. Squarespace. And we're back. Darren and Will, how did you guys meet each other? How are you on the show? What are you guys other than podcasters on the headgum network? Enemies. Enemies.

Sworn enemies. Like I don't even like looking at this guy. Yeah. Bad news. There's been a lot of Drake quotes on our podcast today. Oh yeah. I'm into it. Yeah.

I'm into that. We were both interns at a place called SourceFed. SourceFed. Four years ago. Four and a half years ago? Yeah. Incredibly popular YouTube channel. Yeah.

It was like started by like Phil DeFranco. Fun times. So yeah. You guys were interns. Were you making videos then? No. Well, on our own, on personal needs. Oh shit.

But not for them. But not for them. For interns. Coffee. Go get Wendy's and some more coffee. How many people were working there? At the time, 15. And now it's like what, 40 something?

40 people. Yeah. We really gotten to see it grow as a company. It's really fun. Yeah. It's such a small company. Like how did you find it? What attracted you to it when you started?

We were both fans of Phil. I don't know how you... Yeah. Yeah. Phil DeFranco, like he made a video once. He was like, my company's looking for interns. Great impression. I was like, hell yeah.

So I took it. And I did it for a couple of months and they let me go because I didn't have a car. Wait, no. Well, they kept me on even though I didn't have a car. Somebody snitched. Somebody snitched on me. I signed a... You could only do it if you had a car and I kind of did it where I signed the thing that

I didn't have a car but I kind of made it seem like I did. I didn't lie but I did click a box that I wasn't supposed to click. And eventually they found out that I didn't have a car but they kept me on doing nothing. And then I just, you know, I went away and I interned for other places and then I came back and as a t-shirt, working at the t-shirt company and I was, then they took me off that to be an editor and I was like, hey, I want to be a host. And then they did that. And now I launched another channel through there.

It's been a journey. Yeah. So we both kind of just worked our ways up from the bottom. Yeah. That's a good career advice. Start by delivering Wendy's and then it's pretty soon. Now you're producing it for Source but Fred Wills, a host. Yeah.

Hosting and writing everything. Life is weird. Yeah. I would love to just like fucking like... Like I said, was I saying that here? I was like, I would love to be Louis C.K.'s social media manager for like three months. I would totally do it. Are you good at Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, stuff like that stuff?

Yeah. Yeah. Just because, you know, I grew up using them and I like branding and I like knowing what to do with things. And like if I could do that for him, I would learn so much from him. Just off-handedly hearing him the way he communicates with people, the way that he thinks. I would love that. If you have an opportunity to take an internship, take one.

One of the special things about Louis is probably the fact that he doesn't do any of that stuff and he's still so incredibly popular. Like he's just like... He doesn't use Twitter and stuff. Yeah. He's not a kind of guy who's like grinding like, I'm going to live tweet this episode so you guys can watch it. Right.

You'll never see him on Twitch channel. No, he doesn't. No. I totally believe me. I totally believe me for a second. No. I was like, what the... Incredibly popular Snapchat.

It would be amazing if he just started the Twitch channel. What's your... Since you guys are like a decade behind us age-wise, what's your social media thing? Like what's your... What's your social security number? What's your social security number? You wake up in the morning. What's your first thing that you check?

Is it the same shit that we check or is it shit that we never heard of? What are the feats? Hierarchy. I've decided not to look at things when I wake up in the morning and I realize it's fucked me up and now it's harder for me to get up in the morning. No. Already you're more mature than we ever could imagine. I don't work until I look at my phone.

Yeah. I look at Reddit. Reddit first. Yeah. Reddit first. Before all your social media stuff. Well, Reddit is great because it might be more of it, but you can see if like any bullshit has happened in the world.

Yeah. Like if we work at a news place, I kind of have to know, but you know, I'm on top of it. I've been like over my phone lately. Like I've been like putting it down and like looking around in the world and it's been so weird. Hashtag lookup. Yeah.

Hashtag lookup. Lookup for once. For some... You were... We're connected in some way. I feel so. But I've been doing the exact same thing. Yeah.

And I just find myself like in line at Starbucks looking around like this and feeling like this is what James Bond would do. Yeah. Oh, James Bond. Actually, let me search that hashtag on Twitter. It's too easy to look into things. So easy to look down into your phone. It's like what I've learned is that my friends are always on it and I realized I've only

been doing this for like a week or two maybe and I realized that I was always on it too and I just... Totally. I don't know. I want to... I'll go back into it eventually. I hate looking at my phone. I really do.

Doesn't make me... I don't like it either, but I do it all the time. Yeah. Tell me if you guys noticed this. There's a new thing and there's not a word for it yet. And it's like when everybody's at lunch or dinner and nobody's on their phone because everybody sort of knows that it's not acceptable there, but during the course of conversation, something comes up where it like sounds acceptable like, oh, I'll look it up or I'll show it to

you. And then everyone... And it's like a floodgates are open. Yeah. It's like you get to... Finally. Pick up your phone. Oh.

And it's like it's socially acceptable because you've announced to everyone that you're going to do it and it's for the good of the group. Yeah. But then the floodgates are open. Everybody's on their phone. Yeah. Because then everybody... Oh, yeah.

I'll look it up too. It's like three minutes and you're just like, everyone's been staring at their phone and silence. And the worst is like when a waitress comes like, so how's everything going? Everyone's looking at their phone. Oh, yeah. Good. We're catching up.

It's also like, I remember in elementary school, whenever we would play a game at recess and as soon as some kid was like, all right, I'm going to go on a bathroom break. Let's take a break. The game was over. So once everybody picks up their phone, like there's always at least one person who straggles away and you never see it. Yeah. Once one person leaves and looks it up.

Yeah. There was this funny... I wish... Should I not say the joke if I can't remember the comedian that said it? No, do it. Maybe we'll know. There's a really funny joke where it's like, whenever a meal is happening right now, everyone puts their phone on the table like face down and that's like the equivalent of the old

West like the guns. Oh, that's amazing. It's like as soon as anything boring happens, everyone like reaches for their phone and grabs it like they used to do with their guns. Why do we all put our phones down? Yeah. They all put it on down on the table face down. I put it down and also like when I get text, it only says a name.

It doesn't actually say, you know, you can... Some people, it says the text. Mine doesn't. And I still put it down. I got nothing to hide? Yeah. Maybe I do. I have a friend.

I think it's inappropriate. She's like... She's a friend of mine, but she's made it clear that, you know, she like it has feelings for me and she will just straight up read my text messages when I'm standing next to her. Oh. Isn't that inappropriate? Yeah.

Over the shoulder. Yeah. Like she's like, oh, so you're going and doing that? Hey. I'll do that too. Like unbeknownst like when I'm with somebody and they're looking at their phone and I don't have my phone, I'll just stare at their phone. I'm like, oh, this is giving me like a...

It's like the nicotine. This is like a patch where I'm like, at least I'm staring at a phone. This is scary. And it's exciting because it's like, oh, look at these text messages that I'm not even a part of. Like it's so voyeuristic. When do you do that? If I'm just like with you and you're on your phone at Starbucks, I will like probably glance

at your phone to see what you're doing. That's really funny. What's some juicy shit you've seen because I know, I know... It's not juicy. It's just like exciting because it's like totally like not meant for me. Yeah. You're not involved at all. Any conversation on your phone, I would be really intrigued to read.

Oh, we'll read them. Really? Yeah. I don't like reading other people's shit because I'm like, you know, when like I've had a couple of people come up to me and be like, oh, I heard somebody talking shit about you. I'm like, don't tell me. I don't want to know. I don't need to know if it's about me.

I'm just like, I'm so curious as to how you interact with your friends because it's so different than probably how I do it. That probably is very interesting. If it's about me though, I don't want to know. No. I definitely want to know. You do? Definitely want to know.

Yes. I'm like, if y'all want to talk to shit, keep it over there. I'm bringing that in here. Sit down. I want to hear. I want to hear. We should probably mention that we're all going to Austin together. Hell yeah.

For during South by, we're having a headgum podcast festival of sorts. Yeah. Jake and I are doing a show and you guys are doing a show. You guys are the same day. You guys are lighting the show right before us. Oh, I'm nervous. Yeah. Friday at 3 p.m.

She didn't text back. We're doing a show with Gaboris, High and Mighty, and Black Man Can't Jump, three super funny podcasts, back to back to back. Tickets still available. You can check them out at IfIRealyShow.com. Actually, I will say, if you already bought a ticket to our show, they should buy a ticket to this show. I know I'm telling people to spend $40 because ours are $20, but you know what, our show will

probably be sold out by the time this episode airs. You'll get so many more $40. Yeah, exactly. It's $20. Go on your mom's purse. That's what I'm saying. Easy. Go on your mom's purse.

Come on. Easy. But you do, you buy a ticket for the whole entire day. We'll all hang out. We'll all party. Yeah. I want to turn this into like a danger turned into a rage or turned into an orgy. Oh, yeah.

Where's the drugs? It starts. If there's three podcasts, do we all like get an hour and go ahead and... Yeah, yeah. Something like that. Yeah. We'll all get an hour. Shit, man.

It's going to be a festival. It's going to be an entire time. Come check out the shows. Watch. We're calling it Head Gum a Palooza. Yeah. I like it. Head stock.

Oh, head stock's pretty cool, too. Yeah. Head gum stock. You can't lose gum. Head stock 2016. Head stock. Gum stock. Gum stock is...

I really like gum stock. Gum stock. Yeah. You owe us some money. Shit. Now we have $40. Yeah, okay. I'll take it.

Let's answer a few more questions. We're here for only so long on this earth. What would we do if not answer some more questions? Answer them in heaven. Don't you think it's real? Whoa. Will, I want you to leave. All right.

Why don't you stay and give us a female name? Oh. Rhonda. Oh. You guys don't know, but I cut out 48 minutes of silence. All right. Rhonda writes, it's funny. Help me, Rhonda.

But now she's asking us for help. I don't know those songs. How old are you, man? I'm 73. Recently at the college I attend, there's been a group of people, although it could just be one person who consistently posts mean things about me on Yik Yak, which is an anonymous app kind of like Twitter. What they've been saying about me has been really getting to me because I really do try

to be the nicest person that I can be to all people. My friends say it's just because they're jealous or don't know the real me. But I can't help but think and feel upset about what they're saying. I know you guys have experience with people who post mean things about you online. How do you get past this and let it not affect you? I really hope you get the chance to answer my questions. Love the podcast. Love Rhonda.

Rhonda. This is extra apropos because you guys also do shit for the internet. Yeah. It's probably seen by more people than we have, than our audience because SourceFit is huge. Do you guys remember some specifically nasty comments made about you? I don't really like. I know I have some people that keep up with them.

I don't really keep up with any, but when someone writes something mean about me, I don't really care. It's like, haha, you thought about me. I think it's funny. Oh, that's good. I think it's really funny. It doesn't affect me. Yeah.

Whenever I see something mean, I'm just like, oh, you're a jackass. Yeah. That's it. It's just text. Who cares? You're a thick skinned or did you have to develop it when you were making stuff for the internet? I had to develop it.

Me too. I've been hurt once or twice, but that was when I was growing up. Honestly, I don't think, I mean, no one could talk better shit about myself than me because I know the real me. I know the shit that hurts. Yes. You know what I've noticed is that the shit that hurts the most is when you agree with the people.

When you make something that you think is bad and they're like, I didn't like it for this, this, this, and you're like, shit, other people agree with me. This wasn't good. Ultimately, it comes down to what you think about yourself. If I make something that you're insecure about and they like and hook on to it, but I think I respond more when the negativity is like well worded. I like respect good writing. So if I read something on Twitter and somebody called me an idiot and I'm like, whatever,

let me see a comment on Instagram and somebody's mean, I'm like, oh, fuck off. But then if there's a well worded Reddit comment, I'm like, oh, fuck this guy. He makes a good point. He's smart. He hates me. A criticism. Yeah. Not just an insult, but a criticism that's been well crafted.

But that's the kind of thing that I lend credence to, but it doesn't make me really, really pissed. It's just the kind of thing I think about. Yeah. Okay. How do I respond to this? How do I take this in and process it and either reject it or accept it? How do you, does it still somewhat bother you when they are like the comment on Reddit

you said? The comments on Reddit are just like the kind of thing that I want to like take the time to think about it. So like, I don't always agree with it and be like, oh, fuck, I do suck. But I will say like, why does he think that and why is it wrong? And do people agree? Is this a one voice of a million or is it like an entire group of people that are like ganging up like, oh, maybe I'm wrong and all these people are right?

Because I will, on Reddit, people will hate on our show for answering the same questions all the time. Like for saying, answering too many relationship questions and I'm like, oh, you know, that's a good point. Right. I can't be like, fuck off with that. I was like, oh, maybe we should switch it up and answer some stuff about like shitty college roommates or, do you guys, do you only mostly do relationship stuff?

That's just the kind of questions that we get the most. That's weird. That's the kind of stuff we get the most too. We struggle with the most. Yeah. That's what's on people's mind. Oh, shit. That's the most confusing part about life is how other, because everyone, I can know

how to react or I know how to act in certain situations. The problem is when there's somebody else involved, that's a whole, now I'm one of two and there's a lot of mystery. I think about work. I don't necessarily want to ask anybody's advice. I'm just like, oh, figure this out myself. And as soon as like, it's a relationship and there's sex and feelings, you feel so helpless. Oh, yeah.

You're like, all right. You're too high right now. Yeah. I don't want to mess up your life. I've been thinking about it, loving relationships, what really attaches you to someone else. It's like, for a lot of people with sex, it's because when you really have, when you get down to sexy sex, you're being very vulnerable and you're making all these sounds, oh, and then you're connected.

Yeah. And it's also another way, it's just really just saying something to someone that's like, you told them your deepest inner stories and then that type of vulnerability is what connects us. And I don't know. That's been on my mind recently. It's weird and gross. It's a trust thing.

It's like, for a woman to let in a guy get that literally deep inside of her, like you have to really, really, really, really trust that person because he can hurt you physically and emotionally because he's so close to you physically and emotionally. I've had my dick come out of girls throat and I knew like, yeah, that's deep in. Right. But for a guy, it's like, I'll put my dick in a sock. It doesn't matter for me. It's like, for a girl, it's like she's letting someone in.

Suddenly, it's like more private and it takes more trust. But also, I want to say as a man, it's hard for me to put myself into someone like... I think you're a unique man because... Oh, very unique. Oh, thank you. I think I would say that the majority of guys, definitely more guys, fuck it, I'm in control for generalizing, but I think more guys are willing to put their dicks places than...

Uh-uh. And raise your hand if you would put your dick anywhere. To a no. All right. We don't have to say who did it. I wouldn't. My hand was down. There are guys who are like, I'll sleep with anybody and then there are guys like, I can't

sleep with anybody. I have to know the person. Can you imagine going out with a girl who you thought was really attractive and she wanted to sleep with you on the first date and you'd be like, no, I can't have sex with you. Yeah, that's too much pressure. Can you imagine that? That's too much pressure.

You would do that, right? You would draw the line and say, I don't want to take the things further. Unless she was really hot. Right. That's badass. Most of them, I'm like, this might be going too fast. She's mostly like, I can't be going full vulnerable on you tonight, but if she was like, you know.

I'm not vulnerable during sex. You're not? What are you doing? You want to be my new sex coach? Yeah, sex is the vulnerable thing for me. There's definitely ways that I can be vulnerable, but it's not through sex. It's the poetry book on the bed. It's even like you can try.

I think that whatever it is, it's this very hard shell to crack. And when I am vulnerable, then it's like, and then it is game over. So like even the first time, let's say that you've never had sex with this girl and you're in your room, it's getting hot and heavy. You're not even nervous? No, I'm so excited. Oh, shit. That's the best feeling in the world.

So you like shacking up, huh? Yeah. Well, Jake doesn't sleep with girls that he likes. He sleeps with girls that he kind of dislikes. That's not fair. I sleep with everybody. I know I feel about that in his second date, second date. I might want to give that a chance.

There's nothing wrong with that, right? No, especially at 22. When I'm like 25, I'll try that out. Like, yeah, I'm a fuck all y'all. Yeah. You are going to do that. You're definitely going to do that. Oh, really?

Cool. That'll be fun. I can predict your future. Oh, sweet. And it is bright. I'm going to be laying down the peen. You know what I'm saying? Well, not if you say that out loud again, but definitely.

No, right? That's your dirty tongue. Can I tell you one of my favorite Jake and Amir videos? Actually, I don't even think it was Jake and Amir. I think it was hardly working when you did that bit, when you were like, suck his dick. Suck his dick. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That should go to my mind. That's an old school. Wait a minute. Isolate Jake's audio. Yeah. Yeah. Command T or something. Yeah.

Suck his dick. Get on the stand. Oh, shit. We should watch that video after we're done recording. We really should. Wait, do we answer this person's question? Yeah. Is this the dorm room one?

Oh, how do I get over? Oh, fuck us. No, no, no. This is how do I get over? Yik yak. What the fuck is yik yak? You knew what yik yak was? I don't know what yik yak is.

Yik yak is literally an app you go on there and type anything in and anybody in the surrounding area can go in and see that someone said that. So would it only be this room or like all of Los Angeles has a yik yak? I think like all of whatever sub-part you like. Wait, so it's like a AOL chat room like back in the day? Like open, but it's, yeah. It could be like a Silver Lake yik yak. It's probably way more of a big deal in like your high school.

If you're in a college, like, you know, if you're in college on Tinder, there's so many options if you're in yik yak. Wait, but you don't know who you're talking to? No, it's anonymous. So you that if you found shit about yourself, you had too much time to be doing that. You had to search for it. What do you talk? What are you talking about?

Yeah, you're just, well, first of all, two things. One, know the source of the person. Like when I'm reading a YouTube comment and I'm like, wait a minute. That's offensive. And I'm like, wait, what if you're just an 11 year old boy somewhere, like if they walked up to me and said something to me, I'd be like, I don't give a shit what you think. But because it's a it's a word, it's a name on a screen. You're like, oh, what if that's a 48 year old accountant and I have to take this seriously?

I know when people read that, I've known people who get offended off comments and they really think like they imagine it's someone in a business. Yeah, like really took the time to put this anime character as his avatar. I don't know how many hateful comments that person wrote that day. It wasn't like he wrote that one comment. I was like, all right, let's just let this one simmer. Yeah, like he or she writes like so much hate so much. That's what they do.

Look at one comment. Yeah, that's exactly what he wants. Have any of you guys wrote a mean comment before or even disliked a video? I don't know. Disliked a video. I don't know. I don't even I don't even like talking shit about people like in real life, let alone like I've responded to comments and been like you're you're but they were being asshole

to you first. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever been just asshole off the bat? No, not off the bat. So like, see, none of us have. You haven't. I know we're normal people.

The people that are talking shit like they're talking shit because they have nothing better to do. It's like 11 year old boys. Yeah. Just like it's trying. It's like the equivalent of when I was 12. I prank called people. It's like I'm trying to piss you off so that I seem cooler than you for a split second.

Right. But what they don't realize is the difference is now is that like because of open forums like Instagram where comments can be left and like that it like it's it's it's really fucking us up as men up. All right. You're making us look real sexist. You 11 year old boys who just learned the C word want to go write it on some bad Instagram baddies page and now it looks like it's us business man.

Right now it's it's not the time they're fucking there's it's a time for for respectful men. Yeah. And the little little bitches are really fucking as they're really fucking us up. There's like a good number of us in conclusion. I would say don't sweat the small stuff. One person disliking you doesn't mean that there aren't a thousand people that do like you and aren't aren't ranting on Yik Yak about it.

I want to tell this person to get off Yik Yak Yik Yak. I'm going to sound like a grandfather, but it sounds like the Yik and the Yak and awful horrible. Yeah. It's a it's a sucky. Well, someone said something about you. Let me see that. Dude.

What are you fucking saying? I don't I don't feed into this bullshit. If every if anytime somebody's like, oh, somebody said something about you on Yik Yak, if your response is, oh, I don't have Yik Yak, I don't use Yik Yak, then eventually they're going to stop talking about you on Yik Yak. Yeah. They want you reading these comments. Plot twist.

It's the friend you've been telling. That's yeah. Yeah. Oh, if I was writing teen movies, we could get another plot twist. This girl's writing it about herself to fucking get her eyes out of her. One of those diseases. Oh, shit. You know, the diseases, schizophrenia, do you want to answer one last question as quickly

as possible? Do you guys have to go? No. All right. Let's stay in the night. You didn't even tell you. This part of a sleepover guy's name, Paul. Another 48 minutes.

Yeah. Darren Paul's last name. Darren could have come up with it. Richardson. Paul Richardson writes. Wait, hold on. Has anyone ever actually guessed a person's name? Sometimes it's been close.

Like, I remember one time, like, Jake was like, Lacey, and like, her name was Lucy. Close enough. Hey, dudes. You can't be like, that's close. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I have to act cool. Yeah.

That's the extent of my acting abilities. Yeah. Lucy. All right. It's funny because this guy's name is Richard Paulson, but Paul Richardson writes. Hey, dudes. I'm a 17-year-old from the UK, and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about four months now.

I really like this girl, and we get along great. The problem is in the sex. The sex is amazing, but the problem is she's too loud. Every time we have sex, I'm pretty sure my parents can hear us, and it's kind of embarrassing to me. My parents are always in the house, so it's not like I can wait until they leave to have sex. How do I tell my girlfriend to be quieter without sounding like a huge asshole?

Dude, you got to stop fucking so good. Yeah. He's given that big good. This isn't a question. This is a humble brag. Yeah. This is totally a humble brag. This can't be real.

So my neighbors know my name, and he asks, please use my real name on the podcast. Is there a way to say, hey, can you not be so loud without killing the mood? Gosh. I didn't get to say it. Has that ever happened to you? No. Well, the girl's too loud? You're not that good, huh?

No. You're not that confident. You're not that confident. Ask me again. I don't think, I mean, I don't think I've ever had to say during sex to anybody. But have you ever felt it? Yeah. Yeah.

I felt nervous before. Like, maybe we should be quits. Yeah. There's a lot of people. I mean, I don't, I always, I just match energy. So if somebody is like, if I'm fucking somebody and they're like being really loud, I just sort of like, I get quieter. Well, that's not matching energy.

You guys live together. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I hope that they match it. I trust that people match energy to you. You know what? Have you guys ever heard each other? I used to hear Darren shit all the time.

Really? I don't think they're fucking good anymore. Well, like, jerking off or like, actually, sex sex. No, no, no, like fucking women. I used to. Well, our rooms are on the opposite side now. Oh, yeah. That's true.

Because back in the first place we had, like, it was a shitty, shitty, shitty place, but I liked it. But like, we had, we had like a heater vent that was like really old fashioned, so it was linked throughout the whole building. I remember. It echoed. Darren would fuck this girl and it would be in my room. I had to turn my anime out.

It was so high. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I'm fucking too. I remember. I remember I was like, I was like, I was like, I'm going to jerk off now, but I was like, I don't want to jerk off to this woman's sounds because I'm not jerking off to her. What if I finished before her? Yeah.

How embarrassing would that be? It's so embarrassing. You were jerking off and you finished before your room and you were like, they're so loud they hear you. There was one time where me and Jeff Rosenberg were having sex in the same house and I could hear him fucking and I was fucking and then I synced up. I finished and then I was just lying there with somebody and then like just, I was just like, you know, chilling.

And then we just heard Jeff keep going. It's so embarrassing. I was like, aw. Could you actually hear him? They're like, what for another 10 minutes and I'm like, okay, anyway, what do you want to do? That actually wouldn't be really embarrassing. Yeah, it was.

It felt a little shameful. You lost the contest. It's like the opposite of a race. See, like I went going for another. Have you ever heard me fuck? I heard you fuck once. Really? Yeah.

That's awesome. What was the line? Please, I mean, please. I heard a mirror more than the girl. I'm sure. Actually, there wasn't even a girl there. I'm a big fan. Please show me your orgasm sounds.

I don't make sounds. What about O-Face? You got an O-Face. I'm gonna say. Oh. Oh, wow. No, no. It's like, ooh.

Yeah. It's gonna break it down. That's it. That's it. That's it. Oh, dear God. That's not even that loud. You must have been really close.

I was under the bed, dude. I was under the bed, dude. You got a glass pressed against my ear. Well, you were fucking me. Dude, I wired your room. We have fun. Holy fuck. Yeah.

The real, I mean, the real answer is to put your hand over her mouth. But like, it's in a hot way. In a sexy way. In a sexy way. Super sexy way. I understand. There's a lot of people who are listening. We're like, what?

Well, no. There's a sexy way to do it. What if her, um, turns into, I'm smothering. Like, how do you know the difference? You gotta be very sensitive when you're doing that. You have to start a little. So many people have probably killed people doing that. I'm not gonna get involved with that game.

What? With the covering? You could accidentally kill somebody. You're not like something, you're just, you're shushing. Yeah. It's like a sexy shush. I have big hands. Have you ever choked anybody during sex?

No. Yes. And I've done it too. And I've done it without having to have like the conversation of like, hey, is it okay if I do this? Oh, you just did it. Well, I didn't like just go right forward. You tread lightly.

And then you try to follow the line. And then like, and you sort of test the water. And then they put your hand up on the throat and then like, you just go as light as possible and they just keep on saying more. It's like when the boom mic is in, like am I out, out, out, out, okay, that's enough. Yeah. You don't ever want to have them say too much. Yeah.

You just go, go, go until they aren't saying, well, not until they aren't saying anything. I wish you could have sex with words. I'd be way better at that. Like all this physical body shit. Uh-uh. It's tough. It's tough to sync those two things up. You can fuck a book.

Oh yeah, you can. They're saying Keeler's good poems. Have you ever sucked a dictionary? Suck a dictionary. That's why you'll be remembered in there. I don't like that. Uh, so, uh, is there a way to, yeah, ask her to sound quiet. I say yeah.

Do you do it in the moment or do you do it after the fact, before the fact? Wait, what was the question afterwards? How do you ask her to be quiet? Oh, same as the last one. Just fucking say it. Just say, hey, my parents are in another room. I ain't trying to get caught. Later I'd be like, hey, you know, when we're fucking like, you really like it.

Maybe like try to like it a little less. Like my, hey, my mom heard us last time we had sex. That's good. Which is also a kind of fun little sex challenge. Like how quiet you can be during sex. There's definitely some quiet sex that can happen. Is that a porn too? Yeah.

Quite sex. Hold the moan. Hold the moan. Have you ever had a parent or anybody, a friend walk in on you? Not walking. I've had sex in the same room as parents. As parents? As parents?

What's wrong with you? Yeah, I have. Not my parents. What? Wait, were they, is this like a cabin? What is the situation? Yeah, it was like a hotel room situation. Oh, okay.

Oh my God. I don't need that. You're an animal. That is fucking mission impossible level risk. It really was. I was- Parents in the room? What's the dad like?

Is he scary looking? It was- Her parents? Yeah. That is insane. You're going to fucking jail. You're going to hell. You're going to hell for sure.

We'll talk out to the podcast. But it was- Yeah, we're talking about mission impossible. It was very, very- If my baby girl got fucked in the same room as me, you have to go kill yourself. Did you say my baby girl? Is that my daughter in there? Oh shit.

It was just pointing at Jake's dick. They were just awake. They were cooking in the kitchen. Yeah. No. Fucking awful. Please tell me you're really like a teenager. Yeah, I was very young.

You did it though, man. I lived the full life. Sorry, she was a teenager. This was last week. Oh no. For more, Darren and Will, how do people find your podcast? On Spreaker or iTunes, type in sheet and text back. That's right.

You're also on head gum every week. Every Monday? And is there any- People seem like- Where else that you guys would like to be found by our fans? Yeah. Come see my YouTube channel, youtube.com, as people be like. I make several videos a week and William Haines TV and make other things.

There you have it. And I make rap music. You can go to youtube.com slash Darren Von Gertner. You just came out with a new song. I did. It's called Past Do. If you want to- Talented dudes.

Thank you, man. I'm really fascinated. Multi-hyphenate. What if we do our boy, a solid, and the outro song, which we usually do, unique to every episode, is your song? Oh, okay. Really? Even though it's like fucking three minutes off?

Three minutes off. Yeah, I mean it doesn't matter. People just listen to it right now. They're on their computer. Will you allow us to play it on our podcast? That's the outro. Yeah. You're going it now.

The opening theme song was written by one clip left. The closing one will be by Darren Von Gertner. Cool, man. That's what I've read. Guys, thank you so much for coming on our show. Thank you for having me. Thank you. We should also probably mention that today's episode of your podcast, Jake and I, are on.

Yes. So if you listen to this one first, you can continue the party. We're also on Sheet and Text Back today as well. And if you listen to their episode, sorry, this is as much we can talk to a camera in a microphone all four of us. We're both going to take it to Austin. We'll all be there. Right.

Yeah, yeah. Austin, South by Southwest. Take it still available, hopefully, at ifireeshow.com. Guys, thank you so much for coming by. This was rad fun. Hell yeah, dude. Thanks for listening. We'll be back either Thursday, Monday.

We'll be back soon. Bye, guys. Yeah. Yeah. DVD part three. Stay working. Stay working. Stay working.

Yeah. Word up. I'm big picture like a driving. Night time is what I'm thriving. Sun's out, don't drive in it. My new sounds, they ride with it. Working hard, never call it quits. My current life is inadequate.

More exposure, I can picture it. Let me flip the switch. Fuck all them kids from my high school. Sniffing white light they got to. About to blow like these white dudes. About to explode, cause I have to. Press upload, cause I'm past through. Release it for your girlfriend.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Press upload, cause I'm past through. Release it for your girlfriend.

Visuals coming up next. So please sit back, take a breath. I can feel the movement growing. I'm about that. Once the wave hits out. We'll ride it. Never fall back. Yeah.

I'm thirsty. I can never drown. In a decade, I'll be around. And you can count on that. Yeah. I'm bout that in your clothes off. You know me. My tort done.

And you come through. You owe me. Hit me up with my cellphone. Just shoot me back. Just shoot me back. Just show me Would you work your way at 995 I swear to God that I love this shit

Things coming they go but I'm planning to keep it She's planning to come I'm planning to tease it I'm playing the game She's planning the season This bitch is insane Woo! Part of me needs this

Part of me Jesus I hope that they see this My life will be gorgeous In five years my house will be hidden by hills So clearly enormous You should have warned us There were no shortcuts I will make more bugs

Skip last fucks Live life on a tour bus I hate checking my phone These tweets are just mad distractions Why the fuck would I ever mention you If I'm the main attraction Yeah On the prime package in this Amazon

I'll be out your door Gonna build this career up the saddest second floor I've been trying to submit my name in this game Since way back singing pop-punk music Got my balcony I want nothing more Yeah I want nothing more

Yeah Yeah I can feel the movement growing I'm about that Once the wave hits I will ride And never fall back Yeah I'm thirsty I can never drown

In a decade I'll be around And you can count on that I'm about that in her clothes Off you know me My tour done And you come through You owe me Hit me up on my cell phone

Just show me You work with nine out of five I swear to God that I love this shit I love this shit I love this shit I love this shit I love this shit I can feel the movement growing

I'm about that Once the wave hits I will ride And never fall back Yeah I'm thirsty I can never drown In a decade I'll be around And you can count on that I'm about that in her clothes

Off you know me My tour done And you come through You owe me Hit me up on my cell phone Just show me You work with nine out of five I swear to God that I love this shit

I love this shit That was a hit gun podcast