If I Were You - 204: Sexy Gift

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

In this episode we discuss protein bars, full disclosure, and dating apps.This episode is brought to you by TheTracker.com and MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is what I do. If I were you, I'd show what you made of my gum. Sending your questions and missing a lump. Tracee B. Tracee B, I love it. His name is Tracee. His first name is Tracee.

Obviously, they can hear you. You waited until the song was over to eat that. Keep on the DL, dude. The DL, all I heard was crinkling. Trying to make it fly under the radar. No, you're not. You put the equivalent of seven sticks of gum in your mouth and now you can barely talk.

How's it under the radar? People don't know what's going on. They won't know that I was eating. All right, sure. Come on, man. Obviously, the crinkling is loud. The chewing is loud. No more chewing.

I think really little bites. Just trying to get this protein in here. It's a protein bar. It looks really dense. It is very dense, to be honest. That looks like a rectangular prism of dense cookie dough. Well, this is a cookie dough protein bar. How is that good for you? I don't know.

It's probably not. Honestly, at this point, I'm eating them because they're delicious. Fuck, it is a cookie. What does it say, sugar-wise, protein-wise? Why is that good for you? If you don't mind the crinkling, I can tell you. Sure. It's so crinkly.

Nine grams of fat. That's not great, but not terrible. Really, we've got a lot of fiber. 14 grams of fiber. That's really nice. Let's not forget the... All I know is sugar and fat. I don't know what fiber does.

I don't know what protein is. I've been hearing more and more recently that you want to have a lot of fiber. Protein is what brainwashed us when we were young. You ought to be healthy, get your protein, get your protein. But they're saying... It's actually fiber. But they're saying, what you really should always be asking is, did you get your fiber today?

But it's got 21 grams of protein, 14 grams of fiber, and less than one gram of sugar. But is it sweet? It looks like cookie dough. Yeah, it is pretty sweet, and it tastes like cookie dough. And there's chocolate in it. Or is it like fake carob chips? Yeah, that's what it is. It's carob chips? It tastes like chocolate?

Yeah. It really does? Yeah. Do you want a tiny little bite for this corner? Sure. Very tiny bite. Please, this is the only thing I've eaten all day. Alright, why don't I just not have it? You sure?

Actually, there's another bar in there if you want one. No, I guess I'll have a bite of yours. Here. It looks so chewy. It looks like gum. And it's almost orange. It tastes like gum. It really does taste like gum.

But get in there. If somebody's listening to this podcast for the first time, it's the worst one ever. Alright. Well, no, now I'm eating. Yeah. This isn't really a podcast. Only our fans will appreciate.

No. No, no, no. Up until this point. If this was your first time listening to a podcast, they were like, somebody's like, this is a really funny show. We haven't been funny yet. This is somebody's first episode, too. That's cool.

Thanks, man. Thanks for sticking through. Trey is first named NC and then B. Wrote it in October of 2013. Oh, yeah, he did the old search. Found it recently and he said, I actually have a new two-piece band called the Knife Fighters. I'll have to track down a new one to see for you guys and see how it goes.

I kind of like these two-year-old emails because I can check back in with these people. What have you guys been up to? It's a window into our old days. Did you like the protein bar? It was okay. Cool. I appreciate that.

It was like everything was a little weird and it's kind of like non-fat frozen yogurt where it's like instead of sweet, it's like a little bit sour. I think I'm over the hump where I like the taste of it now. The first time I had it, I was like, oh, this is a little strange, but kind of like when I moved over from Coca-Cola to Diet Coke. Really? Yeah.

At first, you didn't like Diet Coke? I don't like either, but yeah. I used to have Coca-Cola like for two or three meals a day. Really? Yeah. I don't remember that you. I think it was back... I guess I was maybe on the Coca-Cola tip

at the beginning of College Humor. Two cans a day? I would have Coca-Cola for breakfast. What? Coca-Cola with dinner. No. Yeah, when I was in high school, I had Coca-Cola. For breakfast?

For breakfast. That's poison. Ego waffles and Coca-Cola. Just a real All-American. Wash it all down with a glass and a half of Pepsi and then a French toast crunch. A bowl of French toast crunch with whole milk. A toaster strudel.

I'm on my way to school. Then a hot pocket when I get there, a barbecue beef hot pocket, a kid cuisine, three Lunchables, a smucker's original fruit paste, fruit by the yard of Fig Newton. All right, what is this?

This is a advice podcast. It may not seem like it, but it is. It's actually the only advice podcast on the Internet. Hosted by us, I'm Amir. And I'm Ginger Dale. And I'm Amir. So how does it work? People will email us.

They're seeking our advice for whatever reason. They email, if I were you, show at gmail.com. We read a few emails. We try to advise them out of their sticky situations. We post the episode online and you download it either directly through Spreaker or a third party app like the iTunes purple podcast.

How do you download? Tweet at us. Hashtag, how do you download? It's pretty interesting. I was just thinking about how every podcast can basically do, there's no standard. Like in TV commercials, they have to be 30 seconds long

and they occur back to back for three minutes, spacing out like a 3x structure. Podcast, I own this thing. I can do whatever the hell I want. Yeah, we could just make this a nine hour podcast if we wanted to. Right.

Or make the ad half an hour long in the beginning. Or do an ad at the end. Or do no ads at all. I decide everything. I guess it's, yeah. Well, the audience also kind of decides because if you started doing like half hour ads up top

then maybe people would stop listening. Yeah, they vote with their clicks. It's kind of like how when Trump is president, come on. Sorry, God willing, when Trump is president. Come on, dude. Jesus Christ. President Trump.

Yeah, that's right. President Trump. All right, let's answer some emails. Oh, we should say that if, by the time you're listening this week, we're going to be in Austin. Oh, yeah. And we have a new special announcement

that we haven't made on the podcast yet. Yes, that we haven't made on the podcast. That the Thursday, we're doing it live at Fire Ryu on Thursday night now. Yeah. With Ben Schwartz. That's what's up, man. So the Friday show sold out.

We added a Thursday show and we added Ben to it. So that's what Gumstock, Head Gum of Palooza is all about. The festival is now complete. You have your Jimi Hendrix. You have your doors. You've got them all. Yeah.

You've got Joni Mitchell. Yeah. You've got Mitchell and Webb. We rounded out the festival. You got to buy your tickets for Thursday and Friday. Yeah, Friday early. If you missed out on tickets for Friday late, a recommendation by the early show.

Don't leave. Yeah. And I think that we might sell out this Thursday show at this point. Yeah. Thursday show is getting close to sold out. Friday doesn't have too many tickets left. Friday early, I should say. And our show on Friday already sold out.

So come on by if you're within, let's say 1,500 miles of Austin. That makes sense to me. Because you do have three days to get there. All right. This email was written by a guy. Nice. Let's call him Austin.

Or did we do that last episode? I don't know. Let's do it again. Okay. Austin writes, Hey guys. So I actually meant to ask your advice on a few things last month regarding saying I love you to a significant other,

a significant other's plans to move in and texting. But before I had the chance, I got dumped on Saturday. Haha. Oh no. Haha. So my question now has to do with, while meeting girls out in a party atmosphere,

is it a turn off working in that I just got out of a relationship? Or does that actually work in my favor while trying to hook up? Appreciate the insight. Thanks for the help and comic relief. P.S. I'm 22 and usually go after college aged girls as well. Solid. And you really want to work that in. How do I shoehorn the fact that I just got dumped into the conversation?

Yeah. I definitely want to bring it up. Last month I was going to ask you about being over the moon in love with somebody, deciding to spend the rest of my life with her and figuring out how to begin anew. But I got dumped. So I guess my question now is why go on living? Who the hell cares? And how do I tell everyone I meet that I am emotionally unavailable and destroyed?

I am stable and good to go. Haha. I got dumped on Saturday. This email was written on a Friday. Oh dear me. Six days later. I don't know if this guy's ready. Yeah.

I think if you're like concerned about how to tell people you just got dumped, then just don't because they don't, I don't think people really like to know that. You don't want to know. I can't really imagine a scenario when you're meeting a new person that that's good information for anybody. Yeah. It just makes people think about things that aren't you.

Yeah. It makes people feel a little uncomfortable. It makes you feel uncomfortable. It makes you seem like you might still be hung up on somebody, which I guess is kind of likely if your goal in meeting new people is to make sure they know about your ex. I was going to ask questions regarding saying I love you and moving in together. But I got dumped.

Yeah. Sounds like you needed our advice in the first place. You know what I'm saying? So, what was I going to say? Yeah. As there, nobody wants to be a rebound. You don't say, oh, I'm looking to get over somebody else by hooking up with you. Right.

Best case scenario, you just say nothing about it at all. And if it comes up, it means probably that you're not completely over this person. Right. Nobody, when you're meeting them is like, when was your last relationship? I'd like to make sure you're like available. Also, that's like a red flag when I ask somebody like, oh, how's your new relationship? Good. The girl actually just got out of a three-year long relationship four days ago.

I'd be like, whoa, that's not good. Breaks. And yeah. Also, like if I was talking to a girl and she immediately was like, I just broke up with my boyfriend. We were going to move in together. I'm single. I'd be like, all right.

I'm not happy for you, but I don't want to be like a rebound or anything. And I don't want to be a therapist. I feel like a lot of people that get out of relationships and just start dating again are very eager to compare dating to being in their last relationship. Yeah. Oh man, this is, even if it's positive, like, I love it. You have such a good sense of humor. The last girlfriend I had that I was moving in with and that I love didn't have as good

of a sense of humor as you. Just end the compliment at you have a good sense of humor. I think guys don't necessarily care if they're rebounds though. Like if an attractive woman wanted to hang out with me and she's like, I'm just looking for a purely sexual rebound. Right. Well, that would be great, but sometimes people aren't looking for purely sexual rebounds. Sometimes when they get out of relationships, they're just, they're not ready in other

ways. Yeah. But if a guy said that to a girl, it just, it seems like less exciting. Less exciting. Hey, I just got out of a relationship, so I'm only looking to have fun. So is it a turn off working that in, that you just got out of a relationship? Yeah, I guess so. I guess it is a turn off.

Especially if you really have to work it in, like find a way to sneak it in there. Yeah. Like, oh, you mind if I mention, you got a pretty cool piece of news. I was dumped recently. There's no good, cool, seamless way to talk about an ex because it's either negative and like you seem like you're still bitter and harbor ill will and resentment or it's positive, which is even worse because it's like, oh, you still like the person. Right.

Any emotional attachment is not good, whether it's positive or negative. You gotta just say like, we had a lot of fun. We wanted different things. I wish you're the best. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like we'll be friends someday. I dumped her.

I can't be clear enough on that. Well, yeah. That's the thing. I feel like if you're unequivocal, like I dumped her. That doesn't actually necessarily, it just, it probably feels good for you to believe that. Yeah. But for somebody that's hearing it, I don't know if they care if you dumped someone

or got dumped. Yeah. I wonder what's more preferable. Probably that they dumped the other person. Yeah. I'd rather be talking to someone that dumped somebody else. Yeah. Because then they're over it.

Right. Right. And I'm like, oh, I feel like I need to cheer this person up. Yeah. They just walked into like a bar, sorry, not a bar like a drinking establishment. They just basically got blindsided by like a putty. They just walked into a wall. Yeah.

I got you. A wall being the name of a bar. Very cool bar actually. Yeah. The wall. The wall. Yeah. Yeah.

We should open a bar. Called the wall. Just called anything. I just want to open a bar with you, dude. How would it be different than every other bar? Surge, man, we could make our own cocktail menu, dude. Let's do a fucking, have an Appletini, dude. Yeah, dude.

We'll do like Moscow mules, but we'll do it like our own way, dude. We'll make it different, man. Like I've ever seen like a red Appletini, dude. It'll taste like a Charlie Rancher surge. Oh, dude. Dude, man, we'll do like craft beers and shit. Surge, man. Yeah.

Let's come up with like puns for like the fucking drinks, man. So instead of like a Moscow mule, let's call it like a St. Petersburg donkey, dude. I think that's really fucking cute, man. I actually like that too. I can design the menu, man. I could fucking use felt, dude. We'll just like call it two nouns, dude. Like brick and mortar, dude.

Yeah, I really like that. That's like a cool name for a bar, man. Why don't we call it Ampersand surge? Oh, that's nice, too. You like that? Mm-hmm. Ampersand for the name of a cool restaurant. I like that.

It's on the east side of town. Always. How do you mean to Ampersand? It's on the east side. Do they sell coffee or do they do like fixed-gear bicycles? Yeah, they do both. So they'll drink. Yeah, so you're on a bike and then you eat it and it's made out of coffee.

You have to sit in the stationary bike to grind your own beans. That really grinds my beans. You're tickling me. Quit it. I didn't like the joke. All right. Another question? Mm-hmm.

This one's from a lady. Ooh. And it's from a British lady. Oh. Well, let's call her Broomhilda. Why Broomhilda? That's just what I imagine everybody in English would say. What about like city names of cities that we have shows in?

Oh. Austin and Boston. What do you think? All right. I guess it has nothing to do with being a British woman. Everyone go to headgum.com. No, wait. If I were you show.com.

If I were you show.com and buy tickets to our Boston show. Thanks. Folks. Is that your Dave Rosenberg impression? Yeah. Howdy, folks. It's Dave. Howdy Rosenberg.

It's like a belly button. Buttoff. Oh, God. I love that boy. I'm having some trouble what to get my boyfriend for his birthday. And by get, I mean give. Ooh. We've been together for three and a half years and I wanted to give him something sexual,

which isn't anal. Okay. Do you guys have any fantasies which pretty much all guys would like? My boyfriend is more like a mirror than Jake, although he's starting to relax and the kinkiness is getting more intense now. And both opinions would be great. So she, yeah. Love Boston.

So she's saying that you're more kinky than me. That I would believe that. Yeah. So this guy. At least I like buttholes more than you do. So what's a non anal type of gift a girl can give a guy? Hmm. It's interesting because I don't know that there is really a universal like.

Thing. Fetish. So it's kind of, it would be a little dangerous for me to give like my fantasy. Yeah. And then she does that with her boyfriend and he very well might not think it's hot at all. Yeah. Like what if this guy doesn't like when a girl fills her mouth up with like turkey chili and sucks on my balls.

That's your fantasy, isn't it? What? You love fucking chili. I love chili balls. All you care about is hot liquid. Hot boiling, hot chili spum. I think your fantasy is like, it's like a, it's like a blumpkin except instead of taking a shit you're eating soup while you get blown.

I'm sitting on a fucking matzo ball the size of an exercise yoga ball. You're in a soup. Yeah. I'm, I'm boolia base. I'm a carrot. I'm a noodle in a broth and to get out somebody's blowing me. Somebody's blowing me out of the soup. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. So she does that. Yeah. Perfect. That's great. What could you get? What could you give? What could you be?

And who could you are that would make you a happy man? I keep going back to threesome just because I still have yet to have one. That's interesting. It's kind of complicated because like who is, who is the girl to be part of this gift? Yeah. Almost a, almost a prostitute. I would be very afraid if I was to have a threesome with a significant other though. Right.

That does not, I, I fear that one. I fear that that day. I do. I fear it. I'm scared of it. To each his or her own. So that is your fantasy to say. What about just somebody else and the girlfriend's not even a part of it?

Amazing. Imagine that. This is what I got you and it's a fucking dime. Yeah. That'd be cool. And it's like, oh wow, is it, are we going to have a threesome? Yeah. And she's like, I don't want anything to do with this.

Yeah. Or if she was like, oh, you know, it'd be a really cool gift. This would never happen. But the girl, she's like, for your birthday, I got you a threesome. And he's like, oh my God. I know what you're going to say. Amazing. Yeah.

And then she opens the door and in walks two goats. Two dudes that proceed to beat and rape the living shit out of this guy. Just splitting them apart like a fucking wishbone. Oh yeah. Arm limb from limb. You are going there. Come everywhere. It is hot, hot boiling.

You will make Donald Trump again. It's two dudes. Yeah. So your suggestion is threesome. I would do like a watch because three and a half years. Come on. What kind of sex are we still having here? Like he gets to watch her.

No, you should just get on like a watch or a sweater and a hat. You ever go to uncrate.com or something and you sort of see like the big garb deals. I was going to get you a threesome, but Jake said it was weird. A pair of pants. So I got you a hat. A field watch and like a sweater and a beanie or something. For Mr. Porter, I got you this really cool hat. I think that's fun.

And then you could like sort of let him tease your butthole with his finger and see if he's into it. I feel like there's... You mean tease like make fun of? Yeah. Just like... Like look at that stupid little butthole. You know more than anybody what his fantasy is. Me?

I know more? Yeah. You know this guy. Because I am this guy. I think that she... Like there's got to be something that he's been hitting at for a long time. Yeah. I guess...

I mean like my fantasy can't be the same as whatever this dude's is. I guess she doesn't know. So you're saying don't go sexual in my background. What about like... No, I mean I think they should have sex because it's like, you know, a nice... What about like the lingerie for her type thing? Like the sexy striptease of sorts. Yeah.

I guess like when you've been with somebody that long, you've seen them naked so much. Yeah. The striptease isn't as exciting. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. This really makes me sad for the future. The future. Like yeah, when I find my soulmate, I'll be so bored of seeing her naked that I won't give up.

That I'd rather have a watch. Yeah, I would. So can I just... Can you just tell me the time instead of dancing? The person you love more than anything in the world dancing naked in front of you. Yeah. Or a hat. Or a leatherman.

A multi-tool. I think a multi-tool is the perfect gift. 17 tools in one. It's $79. So you can buy it at Home Depot. Yeah. Or a $25 iTunes gift card. And then if you let him fuck you with it, it's pretty actually...

It's a little sexual. I bet. All right. So I guess the advice is get him something non-sexual or ask him. Maybe ask him. Maybe he knows and he can say. Although he'd probably be too shy to say. Yeah, that's true.

Maybe that's what you do. You do like a get out of jail free card. Like you can write down your fantasy on this piece of paper. Like people make a million-dollar job offers and stuff. Yeah. Oh, slide it across the table. Yeah, like write a sex act. And I will...

I'm not going to guarantee it. At the very least, yeah. But I will take it under consideration. Yeah, that's what it is. I will not get disgusted. Yeah, until the day after your birthday. And then all vets are off. I'm just like...

I'm so much courage to say that he wants to do like a role reversal thing. And she's just... I can never be with you. You fucking... You set me up. Damn it. Give me a fucking watch. All right.

That's her advice. What can we say? Let's take a break. Thank you. Another sponsor. And we'll be right back. Yeah. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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What are you going to do in Austin? I am going to... Let's say we land, OK? We land in Austin. Yeah. You check your phone. Oh, great. Here comes a series of emails.

Maybe you didn't have Wi-Fi on the flight. OK. Then all right, emails are done. I'll deal with this later. Yeah, I probably archive a bunch. I forward a couple. I can try to delegate a little bit, whatever. It's fine.

These can wait till the next weekend. And then straight to Instagram. Oh, my God. You thumb through some photos. Because we're still sort of waiting for the... Right. Like, we're taxiing. Yeah, exactly.

And like, you're a window seat, so you can't really stand up yet. No, I already chose my seat a mile, so... Yeah. But like, we're, you know... There's no need to stand up before everyone else can't get off the plane. Right, exactly. Yeah. Like, we're waiting.

We're like... Hey, guys. What's the big hurry here? Do you hear that? Maybe I even say something like, wow, hurry up and wait. I was going to say that. Yeah. And then some guy says, what'd you say?

Yeah. And I'm like, I was cracking wise. I was saying, hurry up and wait. Like, what? You're talking to me, sir? Yeah. And I'm like, what do you mean? I was talking to everybody.

He takes out a revolver. And he presses it up against the side of your ribcage. Oh, come on, sir, please. What are you doing here? You shot me in the head, dude! What are you doing? You're crazy, man. My fucking brain is on the fucking tray.

You fucking shot me in the temple, dude. What the fuck? Call 911. Call 911 is what I'm screaming and shit. And then I probably get sewed up at the emergency room. Straight to Twitter. At mentions first. That way you can see if anyone's tweeting that they're coming to the show.

You can probably snap it. I'm snapping the whole time. Yeah, you gotta snap. Snapchat is a very heavy program. Have you noticed that? It like slows down my shit. It's like downloading long videos every time I open it. Oh yeah, big time.

I'm gonna put a little something on Snapchat right now. But it's worth it, guys. You gotta follow us on Snapchat. Jake is JakeDemand85. I'm Amir Bloom. That's B-L-O-O-M. And we do pictures. We do videos of each other.

Yes. We do a little bit of everything. And not only that, but when we're traveling, it's a gosh darn blog. Recording a podcast. Live. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. Ruining the show, man.

Ruining the show for some and gaining Snapchat listeners for all. Very funny. Yeah. You think so? Well, I don't know. Honestly, I really, it's the Wild West out there. You can do whatever you want. That's the joy of it.

And if you're not gonna be in Texas, we're also performing in Boston, D.C., Brooklyn, and New Haven in April. Yeah. And we really should say, once again, that the show on Thursday, which there are still tickets for, is gonna be pretty awesome. It's not just us with Ben, but also Josh Rubin is performing. And this is why our single is performing. Kevin T. Porter is hosting.

It's gonna be a party. It's gonna be the first head gum live, a Palooza stock of festival. Yeah, dude. In the history of time. Open bar, by the way, for the performers. Yeah. So Josh, if you're listening, meet me in the back. I'll get you a whiskey.

They give us drink tickets. These ads are becoming more and more niche. Yeah. We're just trying to get Josh to come. Josh, when are you getting to the venue, dude? But dude, South by. It's gonna be fun. Yeah.

It's gonna be very fun. Anything else going on in your life? I got a tetanus shot yesterday. I also got a shot yesterday in my old foot. Except mine is making me feel worse. And mine is making me feel better. And what is a cortisone shot? Is it just numbing?

I sort of asked that, and I was unsure. I thought that the cortisone shot just made it not really hurt. So I'm still walking around on an injured foot, but I don't really feel it. But he was saying it's really anti-inflammatory. So it's like all these things that are sort of inflamed in my foot. This shot is shrinking them. Oh, interesting. You should give it to Drump because he makes a lot of inflammatory remarks.

Let's not turn this into a political podcast. You know I'm a cruise man. All right. I'm sorry. It's going to abolish the IRS. How's that for doing shit? I love the idea of just promising things that the majority of people say that can't happen. It's crazy.

They might as well say, let's give everyone $20,000. That's what, well, I mean, I don't want to get too political, but that's like, I mean, that's what Trump and Cruz say. It's like, we're going to deport all 11 million illegal immigrants. Like, okay. And like, people sure are, you know, yeah, hell yeah, get them all out of here. But nobody's saying like, well, you know, how would you do that? You're going to drive around in a van in the middle of the night and grab people from

their homes. That's right. Back at it again with the white van. Damn, Donald. That's like, what did the DNC tweet at Marco Rubio? Damn Rubio. Back at it again with the anti-immigration policies. In 20 years when Dan Daniel is president of America, we're going to look back at this

moment and be like, this was the beginning of a big cultural shift. Well, I'll remember that fondly. Damn, Daniel. I'll always remember my first Dan Daniel bitmoji. I really will. That was your first bitmoji? Exactly. And it really meant a lot.

I'm really happy you got bitmoji. Oh, shit. You know, it's another thing. People can text me now. Oh, and also, yeah, follow us on bitmoji guys. You can't. But there's an app that gives me a phone number that people can text me, and people have been texting me, and I've been responding.

Yeah. It's pretty fun. Maybe we can do a If I Were You episode where people ask me questions. Oh, that's a good idea. I also have that app. So you and I have the same number, but you can't tell when I respond so far, so I haven't responded yet, and you're just doing it. You can just sign it J, and I'll sign it A.

That's kind of good. I'm trying to get them to make a little badge for me, though. Yeah, that's not going to happen. They said there was like six people using the app. So if you want to text me, or Jake, and or Jake, that number is 1310-231-6784. I'll just read a few text messages right now. It doesn't give me their phone number, it just gives me their area code. New York City writes, what happened with the Jake and Amir TV show?

It's a sad one. We already talked about that. I have to tell them that true TV passed. Christ, you send them the podcast episode titled Silver Lining. Oh, that's good. Let's see if there's another question. Yes, dude, what are you up to, man? It says somebody in Houston, Texas.

Tell them to come to our Austin show. I should. How far away is Houston from Austin? I think it's two hours. That number again is 310-231-6784. You think you can memorize that? 310-627-327-84. No.

310-231-6784. 310-6217. Give me one more time. 310-231-6784. 231. Let's just say the whole phone number. 310-231-6784. That's right.

If you want an easy way to remember it, it could be a jingle. Call 310-231-6784. That's fun. All right. Let's answer another question or two. Fine. This one's from another lady. Hey, ladies.

Let's call her Pistol Waving, New Haven, the 203Z, New Haven coming at you. That's something Connecticut. Can you remember the phone number? 310-231-6784. Nice. Thanks, dude. You don't even know my phone number. Well, now you can just text me on the app.

Yeah. Hey, guys. I am a 22-year-old black woman. I've been trying to online date recently, Tinder, OKCupid, et cetera, and I think I'm doing it wrong or men are doing it wrong. I've unfortunately run into a big problem. It's very hard for me to meet anyone who is not offensive. I have been offended by almost every guy I've spoken to.

Either they really want to fuck a black girl, or I have nice lips, or they really like black girls, or they have to comment on how chocolate I am. It's all so annoying. It's not only white guys, but it's mostly white guys. Literally, one guy said, are you black because you stole my heart? Jesus. I love people of all races and colors, honestly. I just want to meet someone who likes me for me and my skin color can come second.

Should I give up on online dating? Is there an app with less offensive men? Any advice on this would be so appreciated. This is probably too serious of a question for you guys, but if you read it aloud, maybe it will be a little PSA for all the white boys that listen to you and might say something offensive one day. I would have slept with so many more men

if only they could stop telling me how sexy I am just because I'm black. That is a good PSA. PSA, right off the bat for white boys, there are black ladies out there who would sleep with you if you stopped saying that they're only attractive because they're black. Speaking of somebody who is really attracted to black people, the trick is to not say anything. That's not just with liking black people.

That's with pretty much liking anybody. Try not to announce why. That's the equivalent of me saying to a girl, oh, I like you because you have big boobs and a pretty face and your ass is large. You keep that reasoning to yourself. People will just know you like them if you're nice to them and you don't have to tell them why. You definitely shouldn't be like, I like you only because of the color of your skin.

Is that still racist because racism is, I dislike you because of the color of your skin. I guess it's racially charged. It's racially offensive. Although some of these comments were legit just racist. That's true. Another PSA is being a nice normal person puts you automatically in the top 2% of society.

You can see how many terrible humans there are. If you're listening to the show and you're a terrible human, try not to be. I think that'll really, really, really help. Being normal is so amazingly... It's a turn on. There aren't a lot of normal people. It's a crazy shortcut when it comes to online dating. Most people suck and if you're just nice and normal,

you're already ahead of the competition. You don't even have to be good. You just have to not be bad. Also, there's going to be a free plug again for Bumble because this girl should get on Bumble. Bumble, the people seem a little bit more hopefully less offensive. She will be able to decide who... She has to choose the first message.

Also, I've noticed with dating apps that a lot of people aren't good and aren't a good fit, but there are still good people. Every time that I've met someone on a dating app, I seem like a breath of fresh air. If you are a good person on a dating app, stick with it because there are other good people on dating apps. Once you find each other, it feels like the journey will have been worth it. Yeah, agreed.

Any other questions? What did she say? Should I give up on online dating? No. Is there an app with less offensive men? Bumble. Maybe Bumble? We hope.

We can't quite speak for the entire male dating pool of Bumble. That would be a good... You know, we were talking about maybe doing a dating app. Yeah, I've been trying to pitch you on this for a minute. It's a dating app, but for not offensive people. Yeah, you have to take a quiz to get onto it. That's right. It'll give you offensive comments and be like,

what do you guys think about this? Do you think this is okay or funny or bad? If you say bad, then it lets you in. Yeah, I guess there's probably a mini test that you could devise to find if somebody is a decent person or not. Yeah. Or you just invite 10 decent people and you say, you can only invite decent people.

Is there an invite-only dating app? I don't know if there's an invite-only dating app. That's pretty cool. Invite... I would want something that our fans could use right away. Right. I had another idea for a dating app. I think it was my idea.

Now I can't even remember. Whatever. It's yours now. You're saying it into a microphone. Yeah, I'm trying to... There is a big ol' whatever. If I'm wrong and somebody calls me on it, I'll... May lightning strike me.

All right, so it's a dating app. You call it Wingman. I like it. And it's like, I have a girlfriend, but you are a single and I want to be on Tinder, so I just swipe for you. And who is it photos of? I think it would be photos of you. Right, because who cares what the Wingman looks like, right?

Right, so that's where it's sort of a little confusing because you still want it to be photos of you. You still want it to be photos of you. Yeah, I want to match with the people. And I want the micro... I want to be hot and then also help other people fuck. You want the micro flirtation. But yeah, I think there's something to...

Because every person in a relationship who finds out their friend is on one of these dating apps, what do they want to do? Immediately they want to swipe and they want to see the people. Right, so it would allow you to swipe for me. Yeah, and then if we match, I get to talk about you to somebody. They're like, well, tell me about a beer.

I'm like, oh, he's sexy, he's cute. It's almost like a matchmaker. Yeah, and then I throw it off to you. So it's two-sided too, so you're not matching with girls. You're matching with girls' friends as well. Oh, so it's like you and I create a joint profile. No, I think you create a profile for me and then let's say I am trying to find a hot girl named Lucy.

Right. And then I wouldn't find Lucy, but you would find Lucy's friend, Lacey. Right, so it's friends setting friends up. Yeah. We got to go back on Twin Innovation and pitch these guys. Yeah, instead of trendsetter, it's friendsetter. Oh, I like that.

Yeah, friendsetters. I'm in as a customer investor and both. And friendsetter. Yeah. Like a matchmaker. Yeah, that feels like it works. I love it. Another dating app idea.

It's a dating app, but only for people that have cash. So let's say I'll put up my city bank. I'll put in my routing number and my account number. And every time I use it, it takes $200, $500, $800, whatever. You really, I think there's something to it. Like if you just, if it was a dating app that cost $1,000. Yeah. So everybody on there is just a fucking boss.

Could afford it. Yeah. It's called fucking boss. And then, and there's no radius because like you, you match with somebody in London. Yeah. Hey, what do we do? Like you're not going to fly to see me. Private?

Yeah. You paid $1,000 for this app. Dude. $1,000 dating app. Very cool. And we wouldn't even have to get a lot of people to use it. We would honestly, because it would it be $1,000 monthly fee or $1,000 one time fee? I guess I would imagine a one time fee.

So one time fee for $1,000. We get a thousand people to use it. Suddenly we're making a million dollars. Yeah. We make a million dollars on this app. We get a million people to use it. Boom. We're billionaires.

We get a billion people to use it. Don't even. We have, I'm serious. We have more money in our pockets than any, we have to split a little bit with iTunes. I'm sure because it's like an app on the iOS store. They're always taking a little bit off the top, but they only take 300 billion. The other 700 billion is ours to split. That's nice.

That's a nice chunk of change. Suddenly we can join the app. Suddenly I'm starting an app where it costs a million dollars. Dude, I'm trying to see this far into the future. I'm getting really excited. I'm getting really, really fucking jacked up. You're tearing up. I'm playing out like a fucking fleet of yachts.

What are you talking about? This is going to be amazing. What are you going to get with that 700 billion dollars? After taxes, it's down to 350, 300 billion dollars. I didn't realize that. No, because if you make that much money, you can find the tax loopholes. In Cruises America, it's a 10% flat tax. That 700 bill becomes 60.

You could write your taxes on a postcard to, sorry, do I address it to the IRS? Because that shit's abolished, dude. That shit's abolished, dude. What do you do? I don't know who you pay the taxes to if the tax place gets abolished. What about restaurants that take Venmo? Completely separate idea, but it feels like we're done trying to split up checks and cash. I agree, and I actually, there was, when I was on vacation this summer,

Very nice. Where did you go? St. Croix, Greek islands. I was in Nantulta. My family summers off Cape Cod, off the Vingham. Are you on the north side or south side of the island? We're dead center right near town. We have to, I mean my family have a mixer there every August.

You have to be invited. Oh my God, I would love that. We're right next to the hill figures. Is it the Boston Pops? The Philharmonic? It is. That is so nice. It's the Philharmonic.

Just, yeah, on the beach. That is really cool. How's AJ? You're a little cousin with the stump leg. With the disfigurement that I'm afraid to say because I might offend people. This is what I'm talking about. We can't be afraid to joke. Yeah, you're right.

That's why I'm saying who's going to build the wall? Yeah. AJ's going to build the wall. What are we saying about a restaurant on vacation? Oh, so I wanted a popsicle on the beach and I didn't have any. I wanted a lolly. I didn't have any cash for the pop. Baby didn't get his candy.

And I asked the guy if he had Venmo and he didn't. And I was like, you should have Venmo. I'll Venmo you $10 for popsicle. Yeah, I just felt like it was crazy. Like food trucks and stuff. They should all just have Venmo. All right. A lot of ideas coming out at the end here.

Don't be offensive. A dating app that costs $1,000 to join. A popsicle maker that takes Venmo. It's all coming out. The floodgates are open. Unfortunately, we're out of time. Yeah. We had a lot of fun, didn't we?

I think so. The opening theme song was written by Trey C. B. This last one, it says Zen Chen. Zen Chen Chen? I should look it up. Zen Chen. Will you talk about our shows one last time while I look it up? You guys, we have a ton of exciting shows coming up.

We're going to be in Texas, in Austin, at South By. Not just podcasting, but full on raging. This is Gumstock. This is Head Gum a Pulizzo. Yeah, Zen Chen. Ben Schwartz will be there. Zen Chen will be there. There are tickets still available for our newly announced Thursday

show with special guest Ben Schwartz and Josh Rubin. And this is why you're single along with Kevin Teaporter. Then we've got our sold out show along with Twin Innovation, which we do believe you can sneak into if you buy tickets for the earlier Friday show, which you should see anyway, because black men can't jump. It's John Gabriel. And it is she didn't text back.

You heard those boys. You heard all those guys on our podcast before. All friends, all family, Head Gum a Pulizzo, Gumstock. And then don't you even worry about our East Coast one. We going DC, we going BK, we going up the bean town, and then we're going to Pistol Waving, New Haven, the 203Z, and up Toad's Place, Ribbit Ribbit, bitch. Our plant crashes in Austin.

There's a nose dive. There you a single survivor. Definitely not the two podcasters. Can't even recover the black box. This is just chart. Not even dental records. They are gone, baby. Oh, he's back, dude.

Yes, dude. A protein bar, a callback. Tracy B. Zenshen. Thanks for listening, everybody. We might be back on a Thursday this week. On a Thursday. With some exciting news. So fingers crossed and we'll see you soon.

If I were you, would you be me? If I were you, love will be easy. If I were you, I'd see the cheese. If I were you, would you never be?