If I Were You - 206: Chex (Live in Austin w/ Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

Yes dude! Comedian and Friend Ben Schwartz joins us on stage to discuss honesty, self-esteem, and average penis size.This episode is brought to you by BlueApron, Headspace, and Squarespace.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. And let's give it up for Jake and Amir! Alright, keep it going for Kevin Porter! Get it up for Josh Rubin and his crazy ass Nazgaz! This is why you're single! And shit, Austin Texas, finally! We're back! Thank you guys so much for coming to headgumapalooza, gumstock, whatever the fuck we're calling it.

There's a pretty picture of us. Yeah, I remember when I was that young and animated. Very clean shaven, would you say? I was, at the time. You had red hair for some reason, the same color as my shirt. I've got a red beard. You had a red beard. That's kind of where it comes from. You had a...

I am Ginger Dale, and it's correct, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, wow, this is so exciting! How are you guys doing? Look at the banner, the headgum banner. That's pretty neat. Everyone on Instagram had an hashtag hidden. Do you guys want to know my... This is why you're single, Fortune? I'm okay. So, um... Throwing it back. This isn't a home run out of an away game.

Keep the cookie. What's your... Fuck the red socks. What? Nothing. It said... It was actually about you. Pretty offensive. I'd like to hear it. It was oddly very specific, actually.

What did it say? I can take it. I'm a man. It's... Well, that's the thing. What? Let's hear it. It called into question your sexuality. Bullshit. Your gender. Bullshit.

Yeah. I'll take my dick out right now. Do it. Do it. Do it. This is a Republican debate now. This is what? A Republican debate. Y'all know Trump's got a hog. Grow up.

Ooh, baby. He has a very thick short penis. I'm almost certain. What if he had a huge dick? I would honestly maybe then vote for him. Really? Because then I would be like, well, he's not all bluster. Yeah. Why don't we make the wall this big?

Oh, my God. Mr. Trump, you're coming. Ah! Huge. That was my Hillary impression. So you shouldn't be interested. Very poor. Okay. You guys, do you know what we do? We have a podcast.

And we actually have a podcast network. So what you've seen so far have actually been podcasts. I don't want to freak anybody out, but it wasn't entirely a comedy show. It was a podcast show. It was much nerdier than you were led to believe. You're all losers now for having listened to it. You guys have iTunes accounts for that.

You guys have not only rated, but you've subscribed. That's right. Subscribed. So what else? It's weird to leave a four-star review of five. Some people have left us a four-star review. Do you think they just think that's the max? I do think now is just not the time to hash this out. I mean, like, what, what?

You love the show, but you're not ready to commit to the five-star, as if you're paying per star. Yeah. I mean, I... Yeah, very good. That's what you're calling the podcast. It's very good. It's a four out of five star. So you'd rather have a one star than a four star. I'd rather have nothing. I'd rather have no show.

That's exactly what you deserve, friend. It is a podcast show. It's an advice show. Oftentimes, Jake and I are alone in our apartment, cold, naked, afraid, more than anything else. Every time we're naked, we are also afraid. Hard to be naked and confident. Yeah. We're curious as to why we were naked. But sometimes...

Sometimes it's not just us. Oh, no! Sometimes we have a friend. A friend. A friend in need. A friend in deed. And if you'll have us, please welcome to the stage our friend, Ben Schwartz! Listen up, everybody! This is the guy.

This is the guy. Ben, please. It's the first week of the year. Absolutely. I have July 13. That's good. That's good. 1991. Yes, dude! Yes, dude!

How is everybody tonight? How is everybody tonight? Holy shit, man. Who got the bigger applause, dude? Everybody wants to know. It was not a competition. It was Kevin Porter, dude. It was huge, dude.

The get-go better than all of us will ever be. Come back out here and rap, Kevin. We miss you, Kevin. If you're listening at home, Kevin was the emcee of the show. He's doing a great, great job. What? No, we're going to sit down.

As soon as we make it like a normal, enough transition, we're just going to sit down. And now might be the time to make it a very normal transition. Here I go. Not me, guys. I'm going to stand up for this whole thing. I think I'm going to stand. Chair breaks?

Holy shit, you guys. We've never, ever done a full live show with a guest before. It's very exciting for us. And honestly, more so for Ben than for me. Yeah, this is a huge moment for me. This is big for Ben.

Ben's actually probably feeling a little nervous on stage. Let's make him feel extra comfortable. Give it up for Ben. Thank you. I was told I could do my one-person show, so I'm going to let her rip. Yeah, dude. What's it like growing up as a Jew in the Bronx?

I don't know. What was it like for Dory to find Nemo? Never saw the movie. Is that what it was about? I don't know if she found it. I'm going to do the whole thing standing up. All right, dude. Yeah, I love it. Right here, dude? I love it, dude.

Yes. Let's start it. This is good for the podcast listeners. Let's see what's happening. Yeah, they don't know. Stage presence. I'm standing right in front of both Jake and Amir. For anybody listening at home, Ben is doing the full Goatsy pose right now for the entire audience.

I'm wearing that Borat swimsuit also. Yeah. Really going for it. Would you say a gape is how you describe his asshole currently? A gape? Large enough to fit a grape? Yep, a gape. Large enough for a grape, but...

A glass of whiskey, but... What's that? Your glasses over there, so... Are we all doing drinks? I think so. If you're drinking... What is that? Arsenic? No, it's vodka, from top to bottom. I love it, dude. Just kidding, dude.

One person is from Smirnoff. The town or the company? God, the town. Where is Smirnoff? How's it been so far? How's the whole night been? Everybody, on three, shout out the favorite sentence you've had for the whole night. Ready?

One, two, three. Half the audience, and yes, dude! I love that part. Got it. Cheers, everybody. Thank you for coming to the show. Jake, why don't you explain the rules of the podcast while I pour myself a drink?

Of course. You guys, so if I were you, is an advice podcast, and for those of you who don't know, I've never ever explained the podcast, and this is very, very nerve-wracking, and we didn't discuss this backstage, but we get e-mails. I'll take it from here. So this is how the podcast works.

Everybody sends in an e-mail, their biggest fantasy. Okay, I'll take it from here. That is not entirely true. So they need advice. I'll take it from here. You ever see the movie Up? The podcast is similar to the montage in the movie Up. Nice, dude. I'm going to take it from here.

So they are in a dire consequence. They need our advice. There we go. You ever see Amistad? Very similar to Amistad, but more Mary Poppins than Amistad. So I'm going to take it from here. It is not necessarily Amistad meets Mary Poppins, though Joseph Cinque

is sort of tangentially related. I'm going to take it from here. Have you guys ever seen a C battery? Super similar to a AA meets a C. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take it from here. It's a little more 9 volt, but people really, really need advice from us, from us three Jews.

And they're going to... By the way, also buy our album, Us Three Jews. Any time you guys want to. It's out in vinyl or matzot. If you can find the opi-com and you have found our album. Yes, dude.

Joke didn't play so well in Texas, dude. Raise your hand. By the way, this is a terrible way to do it, but raise your hand if you're Jewish. Get him. A giant guy with a net up there. That's Ben's impression of a post-Trump America.

Oh my God. What are we going to do? What? What are we going to do? It's about freaking time. What I have in my pocket is a phone and on this phone are real questions from real people. May I have a Marty? Marty is from Head Gummy.

He's walking up the stairs right now. Give it up for Marty, everybody. Wait, Marty. Stop for one second, because I want to talk about you. Marty is incredible. He runs Head Gummy's all that business thing. Marty, is it possible to get me a beer real quick? Marty is also our intern. Give it up for Marty the intern. Yes, Marty.

Wow, he had it ready. Thank you very much. That guy's good. That's very kind. How did he know? Let's give it up for Marty. His phone number is 917. Holy shit, how do you know it? By heart, too. Wow. It's like your childhood phone number.

The one phone number you do know by heart. That's true, by the way. Do you remember? What's your childhood phone number? Is it still your parents' phone number? No, it's not. It's 818. Now I feel a little weird, because someone else has that number. Thank you, Marty. Because it's 555 Fucker, so I feel...

Not true. Not true. Explain how the podcast works, buddy, for real. These are emails from people seeking our advice. Our guidance, we do our best to offer. In part, our wisdom. What do we know? Let's find out. So, if you have a name of a fake guy that I can give this...

Nice start. That was Marty who yelled that out. So, I make up a name. Quick question before we start, dudes. Um... What number of live performances is this for you guys? I want to say if you had to guess.

Live performance or live podcast? 15. I would guess 18. And no guess. Huh? No guess. It's your first guess. First announce guess. Alright, let's do it. Let's do a question. Alright, here we go. What's the fake name you got? Cooplin!

Cooplin, Crandis. These are all... We're going to let Ben come up with... Oh, by the way... Uh, this is too much pressure and I apologize. Uh, my friend Gil is even better at making up names than I am. Holy shit. Gil is areas up in the front.

I do a show called Hot Sauce with Gil. Gil, can you make up a fake name? Gil? Why don't you come up with one? Idean Brodgers! Idean... Brodgers. For you to say that he comes up with names better than you

is very high praise. A lot of pressure. But for Gil to come through with Idean Brodgers, really... He's 100% asleep. That was a snore. Alright, Idean Brodgers. Quick question before we start, dude.

Come on. I heard there's a virginity story at the halftime break. That's the halftime. Has anybody heard the virginity story before? All these people were actually involved. It happened at the last live show. Is that true? No.

Oh, I'm super psyched. Let's get to some questions, guys. Alright. Quick question before we start. Alright, Idean Brodgers writes, I'm a 20-year-old virgin with a really huge crush on this girl. Mind you, I've done some

naughty things with women, but I haven't done the dirty deed yet. Ooh, what does it mean? Let's wait till the end. This girl is my dream girl. She's sexy. Smokes pot.

She drinks and makes out with me when we're both super drunk as long as I don't tell anyone. 2016 is fucking weird, guys. That's the perfect girl. I might have even put my... Very low standards, yeah. I might have even put my fingers

up her moist crevice. That's okay. You guys can be fine with that. Someone put their hand up like Praise Jesus. Just glistening wet that hand was. The problem is my winky.

I'm just too self-conscious about it. I don't want to tell you how big it is, but since Amir is a math addict, I will throw some numbers into the mix. 100 divided by 2, then take away 44 and a half, and there you have it. What is 5 and a half?

Can you push those? 5 and a half? Are you really good at math, for real? I'm good at like... Can anyone verify it's 5 and a half? I got something way different in my head. Jake is like, this guy's got the biggest cock I've ever heard of. Holy shit. 49 inches?

49 inches. And he's insecure about it? He's got to be that secure to call it a winky. What's up, after all? Um... Stubby fingers. So 5 and a half inches. I'm not a shower or a grower.

I feel like if it was way bigger, I'd be way more confident with finally losing my virginity. Have you guys ever felt self-conscious about your manhood? Is losing your virginity worth it? Oh. Thanks for your help.

Oh, and by the way, man, what can you say? Life is crazy like that. Love... Idean Brodgers? Brodgers. Brodgers. Let's go over Idean Brodgers. Is Idean Brodgers in the audience?

Yeah! Is it for real? Oh, that would be the best. Sorry. This guy's penis is so small that he's contemplating never having sex. Uh... First, right off the bat, 5 and a half inches is not well below average.

Isn't average 5 and a half inches? Uh-oh, Amir, something weird's about to happen. Somebody... 3 and a half is like a huge cock, right? So he's like 2 inches above a huge cock. If you've got all these stats on what's average, then that means you've explained your small penis many times.

Trust me. I know what you guys are thinking. It's not a problem. I guarantee it. I will say... We all saw the debate. The idea of not having sex ever for that reason is insane to me. Let's have protected sex, everybody.

Let's also say that it is worth it. It's worth it to have the sex, regardless of the size of your penis. But not even in a, like, Maxim magazine woo woo way. It's like a fun gift. Right. Life is kind of short. I mean, if you're not fucking, then what are you doing?

Jake is having a tough week. 99% of the times I felt good when I was coming and... Let me hear two of those times. Give me two specific times. I want to hear the 1%. Wait, the 1% that I wasn't coming? When I was Bar Mitzvah,

I said the prayer before the half Torah. My dad looked at me and he said, you got it, son. I didn't come, but I was close. And that was the one time I felt good when I wasn't coming. Oh, it was exactly 99 to 1. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

99 times. You have a certain amount of times you can come, right? Yeah, sort of like, you know, they say there's like a finite amount of heart beats in your life. What's that movie about the tree with the leaves? I was thinking about that. That was the 1000 words or something. Ooh, I think it's called Flubber.

Yes, it was called Flubber. Eddie Murphy was in it. With the tree? Yeah, the tree and he had like a certain amount of words to say. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it wasn't Flubber. No, because I said Eddie Murphy was in it. And do you remember who was in the mask?

Norbert. That at least was an Eddie Murphy movie. Wait, there was a movie. It was called A Thousand Words, I think, or like a hundred words or something like that. What was it called? That was not a thousand words. It is, right?

It is a thousand words, right? Great. Was it a thousand words? Yeah. I'm gonna play back on this podcast. It'll take a couple minutes, but we should do it. I'd love to talk to this character for a little bit longer. Yeah.

Okay, great, where are you from? Cleveland. What's your job? What do you do? I work for Cleveland. Well, you're doing this. Jake, give me one second. I'm so sorry, buddy. So you work for the city of Cleveland? No, Grover Cleveland.

Oh, you work for the president Grover Cleveland? He's dead. You guys are ignoring him. We're a very average penis. I don't want to offend him. He doesn't have a three-inch dick. He's got a five-and-a-half inch dick, and even if he did have a three-inch dick,

he's basically asking, is sex worth it? I don't think sex is determined by the length your semen has to flow. That's cool. If anything, you're concentrating the orgasm within a smaller shaft. Honestly, having a small penis might feel really nice, but I think we're getting off topic. Okay, what do you mean this is exactly on topic?

Okay. Instantly finaled it? You're right. I was thinking about it. It makes it last longer, so I'll throw it. We have to see a picture of this guy's dick to know what he's working with. Bring it up on the screen. Kevin, pop it on the screen.

Here we go. It's just that manamana video. First of all, let's also this woman has moved on and gotten married and stuff like that. That's probably hard for him. She hasn't even moved on. She was moved on before they even started fingering each other.

A warm crevice, she said. Just say third base or something. What would your advice be for this gentleman? Sex is worth it. Even if you have an average penis, what does he think? What does he want? He wants only guys with huge dicks to have sex?

That's not how it works. There's a hand raised back there. You wrote this. Can I pause for a second? Dave Rosenberg is clearly raising his hand. First of all, what is that? Why are you answering? Why are you calling?

Honestly, I really want to hear Dave weigh in. If you don't know, Dave is my good friend from high school. Dave just said, I don't have a microphone, but I have a very unsmall cock. Is that what you said? If I knew this podcast was going to be, I absolutely would not have done it. We haven't even gotten started.

Rosenberg yelling about his very unsmall cock. Wait, wait, wait. Let's hear him out. But watch yourself. Finish it strong. Right off the bat, you don't know where the clit is on a vagina. Wait, wait.

You should say what he said for the people listening at home. For the people listening at home, Dave said, If you're, well, I honestly don't think I could make up something dumber than what he said. Dave said, if you have a smaller cock, you can hit the clit and the G-spot.

From my understanding, I don't have a vagina, so I might be wrong, but that is on the outside of the vagina. He's raising his hand and I'm going to beg you not to call on him. You don't have to call on him. I'm going to beg you to move on. You do not have to call on him, Jake.

David, go ahead. He called on him. Huge mistake. The clit can be hit from behind, said the human cactus. His hands are always raised. You know, this really is like the Republican debates

because, like, is that a fact? I don't think it is. I don't have the science at hand. You know what he said? He's such a master debater that he just said something unrelated to what he said so that we wouldn't talk about his original thing. Like, that has nothing to say with anything.

The clit could be hit from behind. I don't know, man. I'm with Dave because he's sort of anti-establishment. What the fuck is happening? He's raising his hand again. Tell this gentleman, not Dave. Tell the person. What's his name? Irene?

Idean. What is it, Gil? Idean Rodgers. Gil is looking like he's stopping a wedding ceremony with Idean Rodgers. Gilly, think of one more name. Think of the stupidest name you can. Go. Come on.

Dave! Dave Cove. Dave Cove. One more. One more for the fans. I think I'm through the looking glass. I get it now. I know what it is. It's forward name now. One more! One more, baby! Give him one more!

I didn't hear the end. Boris Yeltsin what? I don't hear the last part. Boris Yeltsin hyphen. Yeltsin Mandela. Boris Yeltsin and Nelson Mandela had a son. And named the son Boris. We have to stop.

Yes! We have to stop calling on people. Oh, my God. Oh, Dave's got his hand up. No, he doesn't. I feel bad. Tell this gentleman that he should have self-esteem in himself and that he should be able to have sex and enjoy his life

and that's not something that should get in the way. Make sure to have sex with the right people. I agree. Yeah, that's the caveat. That you should stop having sex with someone who's married. Oh, well, he hasn't yet. So you're still good. And as you pursue sex, do it with somebody who's not married

because then that'll be, you know, more better. More better? I chilled off at the end, but I started real strong on that. What else do you guys want to talk about? Oh, God. You guys have any questions for Jake and Amir? Yeah. Oh, thank you very much.

We're very, very pro-planned. I'm happy you guys asked that question. But by the way, only if you could throw a gray undershirt underneath... Oh, blue. I'm wearing blue. I apologize. Ow. Ow. Any other questions for Jake and Amir?

Oh, look at that. Can I suck your dick after the show? Can I suck your dick after the show? This is a big moment where you can turn a bit into a legend. How much? By the way, this is truly... This is truly...

Do you want to be remembered? Or do you want to be forgotten? Special kiss. I can't believe it's happening to me. Hey, man. What do you say you suck my dick right now? Oh, my God! No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen up, everybody. But Dave's got that untiny cock. Well, let's stop for a second. You said that while standing and the gentleman got up to do it and you quickly sat down and shaved his subject. Yeah, I didn't actually want to get a blowjob in front of everybody.

I would be a little too nervous. So after the show is fine. I am a grower and a shower, so... Don't you worry about that. I guarantee it. Yeah, he said it's not a shower or a grower, which means it's small, flaccid, and shrinks hard. Always.

No, it's just always the same. It's just always the same amount of inches, always. It'll just be flaccid or hard, but there's no blood rushing to it. That's what it is, guys. Honestly, this is a crackpot theory, but what if you just ate more food that improved your blood circulation?

Because, like, isn't the penis just all about, like, getting blood to your dick? This podcast is all over the place. I'm just saying. I just feel like it's a possibility. Is that the NASA scientist who called me a correct? Because I'll believe in him, but not you.

I think there's a chance. All right, well, another 16-year-old dude. Who should we... What do you think? Yo, lad, another 16-year-old gentleman. What do you got? Name-wise. Is it Q? No, John Q. Wasn't that a Denzel Washington movie?

John Q. John Q. That was the thing about the heart transplant. The heart transplant. He didn't see it. But randomly, you had no idea it was real? He knows the movie. It was parallel thinking.

Do you want one more shot at it, because you by mistake did a movie title? Yeah, he wants another shot. Mom, Bob? Bob, Bob? Don't put your thumb up like you nailed it. No, you just said the name. You said the same name twice.

I'm gonna give you one more shot. He's sliding down. He looks like the end of Terminator 2. Thumbs up. He's just ahead. Someone snapchat that Gil is just ahead. Gil, one more shot. It can't be a movie title and it can't be the same name twice.

You got it. All right, go. No, oh, that is true. Ellen DeGeneres is not a movie title. It did fit the criteria. All right, what did Ellen DeGeneres have to say? Do you want to read this one, Ben, or should I read it? I'll read it, sure.

Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Hey guys, I'm a 16-year-old guy. Jakey. Jake. Jake.

Jake. Ben. He's not ready to give up on you. But can I ask for you to do it as if you're delivering a big Shakespeare monologue? That's a cool idea, sure. All right, go. Really attack it. I know you're directing a lot now, but really attack it.

Yeah, more behind the camera, but I'll try. Hey guys. It's perfect so far. I'm a 16-year-old guy and I jerk off quite a bit. Like a lot. Sometimes multiple times a day. And I've been doing so since I was about 10.

Little early. 10. What grade is 10? I... 4th? Good God, man. When he was in 4th grade, his penis was the size of the guy in the last question.

But here's the thing. I hardly ever use lube. Mainly because I don't have access to it. And I'm too scared to just go out and buy the shit. I know you can use household things as a substitute, but I can never be bothered.

So this means I do it dry with just one hand. Of course. We'll do it dry. We'll do it dry. We'll do it dry. We'll do it, Bill O'Reilly.

Let's get back to J. And I've been doing it this way excuse me. And I've been doing it this way for a long time. So recently I was home alone and I thought it would be a good idea to give this whole lube thing a try. So I got some lotion

and I did my thing. Cool. I quickly realized that nothing was going on down there. I was hard and all, but I wasn't getting anywhere. I ended up having to just give up and do it dry.

Bill O'Reilly. Yeah, I got a joke. I was a bit worried. So I did some research and apparently dry masturbation can cause your dick to become desensitized due to damaging nerves because of being rough with no lube.

Oh, I have a series of questions. We're not done. Related to this? No, I want to see Zootopia. I'm like, is it good? We were thinking about going to like 10 a.m. tomorrow. Who wants to go to Zootopia at 10 a.m. tomorrow? It's a really nice idea.

Nobody needs us. I now enter full... I'll see 10 Cloverfield Lane instead. Who wants to see that instead? Excuse me. I now enter full on panic mode. Have I permanently fucked my dick up? I'm still a virgin,

I know. But when the time comes, I'm quite frightened. I won't be able to come. Now the nerves do repair themselves so my plan is to try and not wank for as long as possible and see what happens.

But I'm only a day into it and I'm already feeling the urge. I could really do with some help, guys. Did this ever happen to you? Do you guys go dry when you were younger? Do I have anything to worry about since a pussy feels like my hand? Am I underreacting?

Am I underreacting? Yes. Thanks for taking the time to read my question. What's his name? What was his name, Gil? Ellen DeGeneres. I don't think he's overreacting. I think it's over for him.

I think he's done. He'll never have sex. No, he's gonna be fine. Why do I have to be the only positive person on this fucking team? I honestly am a little bit worried about the nerve damage. I didn't ever do it dry. Yeah. I think that he thinks that he can't... Well, can I ask this question? Um...

Did you have a question when you asked if you could ask the question? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's the lead voice of the Fox in Zootopia? I don't know. There was an actor that once came up to me and said it's so weird to do a jerk-off scene. Who was it? What was the actor? I'm not gonna say.

Who's Jeff Patel? Holy shit! Oh my god, was it Jeff? Was it the Slumdog Millie? And Jai Ho! I've never met Jeff Patel. I never show everybody how you jerk off personally. Like, it's like you showing the world. That is an interesting thing.

And I was like, oh, I never thought about that. My worry is that this gentleman who jerks off, jerks off very aggressively and weird to the point of damaging his... That's the thing, because nobody ever teaches you how to jerk off. We're all sort of doing it alone. It's very interesting, right? And we actually found out recently that you jerk off...

Wait, like, let's just... Mirror jerk off like this. For those of you who can't see because you're at home listening, you're making his own dick. It's incredible. It was pretty incredible. Honestly, yeah. I've had this conversation in the last six months.

We all three of us jerk off differently. That's not true. I've seen you jerk off. I jerk off very similar. You put on my glasses. I like make sure to like... You know, like when someone does an impression, like when Daniel Day-Lewis does an impression of Abraham Lincoln, I watch you jerk off and I'm like,

oh, I'm gonna do it just like Daddy does. You're all getting into character. Yeah. I wonder if we... Can I ask Gil how we jerk off? Yeah, I love that. Gil, how do you jerk off? I'm very careful.

He said very carefully. Take me through step one through three. Wait, we should have him. I'm afraid we can't hear him. All right, repeat what he says. No, just have him come to this mic. Do you want to come to the mic a lot? Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil.

Gil is walking so slowly. Gil, Gil. Ladies and gentlemen, straight from Israel, standing three foot five. Gil Ladozeri! CHEERING What was the question? How do you...

Steps one through three. You're not on stage. You can't see. Very carefully. Okay, take me through step one. Step one, I don't take a hammer to my car. Okay. Your cat, they shut off your mic. Step... It's back. Step two, I wax it up.

And step three, I make myself come. Did you say there were five steps? No, that's three, right? So one in four and five. You made yourself come with four and five. There are five steps? Four is clean up. Five? CHEERING

You guys just witnessed the last three seconds of Gil's one-man show called Come Again. He's doing an entire 48-week run here at the North Door. Tickets are still available. Gil, you'll be here tomorrow for headgum stuff, right? Oh, yeah. Gil's part of Gabriel's... That's a really good segue. I know. I'm trying to help you guys out.

You're terrible at showing yourself. Can I get a backpack to show everybody what the backpack looks like? Yeah, let's get a backpack. Tomorrow we're having more headgum shows at 3 p.m. Gabriel's High and Mighty with special guest Gil is here. Gil is here. Black man can't jump also here in the house.

She didn't text back. We'll also be here. And then we have a show at 7 p.m. where Twinnovation will be opening up for Jake and I again. Tickets are still available for the 3 p.m. show if you're eating tickets for the 7 p.m. show. Like we said, buy tickets for the 3 p.m. show and don't leave.

This is... Look at this backpack. We're just starting to sell shit. This has turned into doing accidental commercial and that was nothing in tension. This backpack is for sales. Oh, Christ. Get the fuck out of here. Alright, put it down. I made a huge mistake.

What were we talking about with this guy? Oh, we're talking about sex. Oh, we were jerking off and doing it dry. What percentage of the time would you say you did it dry between the ages of 16 and 18? We'll ask the audience how many people do it dry. You're all sick. You still do it dry?

This guy looked at his girlfriend ashamed and was like, is this cool? That's cool, right? Honestly, I would really like to... Can I ask... Who does it dry? You do it dry? What's...

Why do you do it dry? Your answer is why not because lubrication feels good on your... It's a lot of effort. Yeah, I also do it dry. What? What about... Is there an equivalent for women?

Hopefully, they're always a little bit moist. Yeah, I guess. You really do it dry? I do it dry. It's just a laziness slash convenience thing. I'm fine getting off without lubrication. I can't fathom. Can I ask a question?

Because the gentleman in the email said, also, I know people use household items. How do you MacGyver your way through that? That's easy. As somebody who took a lot of time and cared to jerk off throughout their younger years and also into adulthood, you... I mean, hand lotion,

obvious, you can use sunscreen, you can use conditioner, you don't want to use shampoo because that'll sting just a little bit. But, I mean, if you don't have conditioner in your house, then what are you doing? Weird commercial for conditioner. Really weird commercial for conditioner.

Really weird commercial for conditioner. That would be kind of cool. It makes your hair really nice and soft and also you could jerk off with it in a pinch. I don't like talking about this stuff with you guys. Why don't we take a break for those of you listening at home? We'll stick around for these people,

but we'll be right back after these. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place

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Check them out. Thanks BetterHelp. I hope you enjoyed this video. I'll see you in the next one. Bye. You can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift

this season. A summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase

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it's getting late. I fear we have time for one more question. Are you guys okay with one more answer? Do you guys have work in the morning? Is this a lady or a boy? I can't quite remember. I don't know but Gil's going to nail it either way. Yeah dude. Wow you're always on Snapchat. Yeah guys follow me on

Snapchat. Oh Jesus come on. Guys follow me on Snapchat. Buy a backpack. Guys I have been documenting me and Gil all over Austin today on Snapchat. I just started. It's rejected joke zero if you guys are bored and want to watch. Follow me

at Dave Rosie. Follow me at Donald Trump. Do you think he snaps? I feel like he snaps. That'd be nice. It's probably easy with his nimble tiny fingers. I'm going to build a wall.

This is a 24 year old dude. Gilad a 24 year old dude's name please. This guy's name is Marcus Mom. Marcus Mom writes I'm a 24 year old dude who lives with his 23 year old

GF in a house built on a hill. The back deck of our house looks down on the back yards of the houses below us. In December a couple and their kid moved into one of the homes we look down on. Even though she's a mom this chick is a smoke show.

She's probably mid to late 20's bleach blonde hair, tight body, nice tits. I've been coveting her since she moved in. Last weekend I'm having a bowl of checks on the back deck. It's nice out. Sounds like some like Andrew Dice Clay.

Last weekend I'm having a bowl of checks on the back yard. This sweet little number is 26 year old Google Gaga walks by. And lo and behold my hot neighbor comes out in nothing but a bikini and lays in the sun. I'm

in heaven right? Checks, hot chick, sunbathing, everything. This is a great writer. Whoever this is is a great writer. I'm interested. It's JD Salinger. Oh my god. Are you serious dude? I think it's JD. Oh god.

It's about five minutes of pretty obvious leering. I even moved a bird feeder to see her better. But no one's around so who cares. Well it turns out someone is around. Suddenly a guy's voice shouts out, hey man, can I help you with something? I'm looking around

frantically to see who it is and the guy shouts upstairs window, you need something? It's the lady's husband. He's been upstairs watching his wife from their bedroom upstairs. I'm totally caught and I can't think of anything else to shout back. Now I'm good.

Just eating checks dude. He goes right and proceeds to continue staring at me. His wife is looking at me with a cross between disgust, fear and outrage. She also puts a towel on. I pretend to finish the checks for another minute

then quickly go back inside. So awkward, but at least it's over right? Wrong. My girlfriend teaches kindergarten told me tonight that she's getting a new kid Monday. We don't live in a big town. This has to be their kid. At some point

they're going to discuss where they live and realize we're neighbors they'll figure out who I am. What should I do? I'm not a pervert but I deaf got caught checking this check out. Should I apologize? Tell my girlfriend before they can? Would they even say anything?

Did I really even do anything bad? Holy shit you are committing to this Amir. I know my girlfriend would be fucking pissed but come on right? P.S. has Jake ever watched any Jordan Capri vids? She's pretty much the toast of my porn

town. Love Marcus Mom. Let's give it up for Marcus Mom. This guy's whole angle of not being a pervert and then he signs it asking if I've ever watched Jordan Capri videos. Have you? Yeah she is really hot actually. Sort of an old light

speed university thing. Who knows what I'm talking about? Light speed university? Only like four or five people who aren't ashamed and then probably ten to fifteen more who are. Wait take me through what it is? It was an old porn website. Light speed?

Light speed university. It was That's where you went to school right? I fucking wish Jordan Capri Wow. Didn't she have like that little tight butthole that you had to pierce with a thin white one? What is going on today? Why did you pick all questions that are

weird? And I'm the pervert. He's talking about piercing someone's asshole with a straw. That was a Capri son joke. Oh I see. Who was already there? Some people were. Alright. And sometimes you had to have the lunch aid do it for you. Yeah.

I got you. Lunch aid? That was a homeless vagrant that stole your sandwiches. There's no lunch aid. Did you guys have hot lunch and cold lunch coming up or no? What? Hot lunch, cold lunch? Is that a thing or is that only a New York thing? Yeah, I was

all cold lunch. What was cold lunch bringing your own? Huh? Cold lunch is bringing your own. No they had them for hours from the North Bronx we had both. Really? What does that mean hot lunch? It sounds like a boring game show. What's hot lunch cold lunch? Ladies and gentlemen welcome back to hot lunch cold lunch. Put both hands into this bowl

of macaroni. Yeah hot lunch. Hot lunch okay. Now put both hands into this sandwich. Cold lunch. Incorrect I toasted the bread. Oh. Lightning round. Lightning round. Jordan Capri come down for the Lightning round University. Put both hands into Jordan Capri

cold lunch or hot lunch. Would you confess to your girlfriend that you did that? Say it again? No. Would you confess to your girlfriend that you did this? That someone watched. Would you be like someone thought I saw that or would you not mention anything? This is funny because he literally broke a commandment. What is it?

You shall not cover your neighbor's wife. Oh I thought you were talking about respecting your mother and father. No. I thought I meant right to bear arms. No that's an amendment. Sure I don't know. There's a difference. I've only seen it once and twice. I don't know exactly what they are. It actually

it actually is. It's a Ritz. You can regulate that shit. That's the fucking second amendment. Texas what up? Thank you. What a scary scary joke to make. Alright let's just say if I were you what would you do? You got caught staring on a neighbor's wife. Their kid probably

goes to your girlfriend's kindergarten. There's a lot of probabilities here by the way. The chances are very very low that this comes back to you. But did he do something wrong? He was looking at his neighbor for too long. Moving the bird feeder feels a little egregious. Yeah just look through the feeder. There's a little window in the back

if you did something right. This entire thing felt like a Chex commercial to be honest with you. Yeah there's a lot of Chex references. Dude just eat some Chex. Are they tasty man? Yeah. I like Chex a lot. I'm looking at this girl

but I'm so distracted by the bold and spicy flavor of Chex. Eating Chex mix with almond milk for cereal. So I thought to myself why not wait five minutes to savor the last couple of Chex before I leave. Long story short fucking Chex baby. Hey nice cereal dude. You can fuck

my wife. What? I figured that would be the jingle. No it wouldn't be like an old-timey comedian out. Yeah that's what I was having at the end of the Chex episode. I was like who has a bird feeder? Do you guys have a bird feeder? No.

Yeah this whole thing is very very suburban. He has a bird feeder and a backyard. A wife and a hot neighbor. Oh no wait he doesn't have a wife does he? He has a girlfriend. She's 23, he's 24, the other wife is 20 something with a small child. You get caught, do you say anything?

You just forget this ever happened. As long as he wasn't like actively masturbating I feel like he still has plausible... Show us how you masturbate, everybody wants to see it. Just show us how you masturbate. Oh like you're turning two-turn table. Yeah and a microphone. He's got plausible deniability.

What? I don't entirely know. Doesn't it sound legal? Yeah sure I guess. Everything sounds legal. Possible deniability. I plead the fifth meaning? I plead for your wife to

drink a fifth and... No, Jake what is happening? Honestly I had like two glasses of whiskey and now I will have sex with Dave. Dave. Probably gonna take him from behind as we've learned from the conversation.

What would you do? Would you tell your girlfriend about staring? So the situation is I'm living with somebody and I saw somebody... You're staring at a lady's... Maybe, yeah I'm very truthful though. Anybody that I'm dating I'll tell everything to. You would tell them like while you were looking at them.

You'd be like hey... I would I'd be like oh god look at that girl. I'm very honest though. To a fault? Maybe, I don't know. I'm very very honest. Because I never want to get in trouble for anything. I'm personally very dishonest. I cheat and steal.

I know I heard how you lost your virginity. That was not this part of the show dude. I didn't give any details. All I'll tell you is there was a half a pound of Chex Mix's mom. Bold and zesty dude. Bold and zesty or bbq. What do you think we should do for the big finale?

Jake can freestyle over this beat. Oh you're sitting on attack. It's a little fast. You might want to slow it down. Yeah yeah yeah I don't know what to do. Because he was giggling it got like scary. Leave me in. That's really good. Are you doing that yourself?

He has an iPhone under his hands. Honestly, my freestyle won't be as good as your beat. I have Reggie Watts in my hand. Incredible. Do you want slower? No no I want a mirror to start. Me do the chorus and then I want you to close it out. And this is about the last question?

It doesn't matter what it's about. It's just about you know whatever you feel. How the fuck are you this good at? Yo. Here in Texas eating Tex-Mex. Bullet Chex-Mis. Can I have it for Christmas? If it's Jew or Gentile don't be mental.

Eat what you want. Eat it from a bowl. Eat it from a cup. Eat it from your soul. Eat it from your heart. Eat it from your mind. Eat it from in front. Eat it from behind.

Can I fuck your wife sir? I think she's so hot. Sir, I want to fuck her. Right from behind. Even though my dick is kind of small. Hit her a click real tall. Yeah. I got five and a half inches.

That I'm working with. Can I fuck your chick? Can I fuck your chick? Ben, yo. Kale, you got one? You want to rap? Guys, that's our time. Thank you.

Thank you so much. We appreciate you so much. Let's give it back to your host for the most. Give it up for if I were you. Shay. Amir.

Ben Schwartz. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the show but I know what you're thinking. I want more Jake and Amir in my life. The podcast is over and now I'm empty and alone

and alone is actually a great place to start. Yeah, this is good. If you are in the mood to watch more Jake and Amir stuff, the web series is over. The podcast is over. But our new web series

has arrived ish, lonely and horny. Check out our trailer. Vimeo.com slash lonely and horny. Great job. Nailed it. I have nothing to add. Really? See you next week. Enter promo code horny for 15% off. That's good too. Still got it.

Later guys. Peace.