If I Were You - 208: Nerd Cave (w/Caldwell and Nathan!)

Episode Date: March 28, 2016

Friends/illustrators Caldwell and Nathan join us to discuss guilty pleasures, anime, and adultery.This episode is brought to you by ScoreBig, Squarespace, and Headspace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you, I'd ask Jake and Amir what I should do to get their point of view on what I'm going through. Whether you need to see us or choose, I just wanna feel your hashtag too. If I were you, the show starts now. Hey, now. That was a little hipster happy tune. Yeah, it was like a Scrubs song. Oh, yeah, it's like how Scrubs ends.

I can't do this all on my own. Yeah, he really is no Superman. We have two guests in the studio. Yes, sir. Holy shit. Nathan Caldwell. Caldwell and Nathan. That's right.

Hello. Hey. We have a legendary draw boys. Do they call you the draw boys? They can. Yeah, I've seen people call us that. What is that even a pun of? You're just saying that.

It's nothing. It's not a voice. It's just like a thing that we're like the talk boys. Yeah. The laugh boys? Yeah. The smile boys. The smile boys.

You know, like there's lots of different something boys. I wanna be the soup boy. Me and you are the candy boys. Candy boys. Yeah. Cause we like that song. Candy boys. Yeah.

Candy boys. You want to be the song boys then? No, no. I think the girls who came up with that song are the song boys. Okay. Do you think you could? I'm the game boy. What should I be?

What's my defining thing? I think soup boy. I like soup. I like that. Yeah. You got, cause like your Campbell soup boy and your Nintendo's game boy. Hey, I have no sponsor. Yeah.

And I'm the game boy brought to you by me andes. Me andes game boy. Do you guys like soup? Love soup. Really? Yep. Can't get enough of the stuff. What's your least favorite soup?

Oh, damn. I will say, I have a story about soup that relates to this. I'm not interested in that. All right. Manudo. He has a very simple question called, well, chili. This is a quick 10 minutes and out. We don't got time for a soup story.

I'm glad you asked about soup. I've got something to say. Manudo is my least favorite type of soup. That's a band. It's also a soup. What? Manudo? It was a soup first, dude.

Manudo? Are you one of these fake soup boys? No. I swear. Name three types of soup. Easy. Corn chowder. All right.

Corn chowder, back soup boys. Horse. Dill. Horse. Dill Spacho. Just as I thought. Another fake soup boy. And corn.

I better not see you on the soup. If I see you on the fucking Campbell's forum, that fucking fake soup boy nonsense. You know I'm all up in that subreddit? Soup reddit? Yeah. Soup reddit. Bravo. Bravo, man.

Thank you. Wait, what's soup reddit upon of? Subreddit. It's not. It's like draw boys. It's not upon. That's pretty good. That one I did miss for sure.

Do we care about what your least favorite soup is or should we move on? I feel like there's going to be someone out there being like they never answered. You did answer. You said Manudo. I don't know what that is. I'm just not a fan of tomatoes in general. So a tomato soup would be a non-starter. What about a bisque?

It tastes like hot ketchup to me. What about a bisque though? I mean if it's well hidden, if the tomato element is like... What if it's subtle on the nose? Yeah, if it's subtle on the nose. It's hard hitting journalism. You're sorry. Hard hitting soup.

I'm sorry. It's a tomato lobby. Mr. President, what about a bisque? They grilled me. Tomato soup is the only fruit soup. Hi, this is If I Were You. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me, I'm Amir. I'm Jake and I'm also the host.

Thank you. And we have two guests in the studio. One of them, H. Caldwell Tanner. Correct. Nathan Yaffe or Jaffe? Yaffe. But you got it. Yeah, like how it's spelled.

Yeah, with a Y. Let's go with Jaffe though. Laffy Yaffe. You've never called you Laffy Yaffe? I've gotten a no Yaffe, no Laffy. That's good. Okay. Yaffe Taffy.

Caldwell and Nathan are illustrators. Extraordinaires. Very talented. Thank you. Artists. You guys both work for Call of Chamber? True or false? True.

You guys both have a podcast on the head gum network? True or false? True. Yeah. Jake and I were on episode three of that podcast. It's true. It's a nascent podcast, but you guys have helped us grow, helped us kind of reach out. Our full potential, so we thank you for that.

Well, it's very unique. It's an awesome show. We'd love like having you guys because no other podcast I think ever creates an original piece of artwork at the end of every episode. I don't think so. It's hard to come up with an original idea for a podcast. Yeah. It really is.

Let alone original art in every episode to create. It's true. We did, we thought, you know, like we want to make a podcast, but that seems easy. That seems like not enough work. So you have guests on that and you talk about what you should draw. Exactly. And then at the end, you end up drawing it. Yeah.

It's a goal oriented podcast. Yeah. We have an objective. Which I think helps us because otherwise it would just be nonsense. It would just be 40 minutes of soup talk. It's pretty close to nonsense as it is. And now it's only 30 minutes of soup. We cut it off.

And then you draw soup at the end. We have yet to draw soup. Oh my God. Let's get that in. I don't want to give our episode of what should we draw away. But I think I ended up with what should be a prize winning New Yorker cartoon. Oh yeah. It's going to win all of the, um, the, the Toonies.

I love the Toonies. Bill Waterston is furious. You robbed him yet again. God. That hack. Nobody dislikes Calvin and I. Um, the end result. Except for Susie.

Thank you. Calvin's lovable neighbor. Oh yeah. She must get so annoyed with Calvin and his snowballs. Now actually Jake, there's, there's a lot of subtext there. They actually, she's actually got kind of a crush on Calvin. You might need to do a closer read. Calvin's father really dislikes him then.

Yeah, that's true. Calvin's dad fucking hates him. That's another subtext. What about Biff the bully? Um, oh, they're in love. Interesting. Okay. Everyone is in love.

The bully is actually a figment of Calvin's imagination. Oh, Calvin. Everyone in Calvin and Hobbes is a figment of Calvin's imagination. Yeah, dude. I've got this crazy fucking theory. It's actually all. Calvin you see pissing on like the Boston Red Sox. That's the real Calvin.

And he's in an insane asylum. Just pissing. Thinking about his childhood. Uh-huh. Thinking about like, yeah, the ideal life you could have had if you didn't get arrested for peeing on shit. Does it ever stay where Calvin lives? No, I don't think so. I think it's some vague East Coast town.

It's gone under our water since from. Uh, I think, yeah, I think it's from Hawaii. Wouldn't that be the most surprising thing? My guess is that it's like the Berkshires. Really? It's northeastern somewhere, definitely. Western Massachusetts is my, is my theory. One of those places where you can just kind of become a hermit like with no real problem.

Like you have kind of like an old, you know, painted white house with kind of like chipping away paint. Yeah. And no one really knows what your deal is. Uh, you know, kind of like, just kind of a standard kind of like kooky hermit type stage. Kooky hermit, yeah. Of course. I don't know, I was more of a baby blues kind of guy. I never really got into that Calvin shit.

The space man spliff shit. The space man spliff? No, thank you. That's a dope rap. Oh, that is pretty good. What's the actual name of it? Spiff. Oh yeah, space man spliff.

Oh wait, what's the bull, is the bullies name Biff? No, you're thinking of. Back to the future. What's the bullies name in Calvin and Hobbes? It might be, I don't think it's Biff. It's something close to Biff. Maybe like Griff. Maybe or something like that.

It's spliff. It's space man Griff. Yeah, because the bully, the six year old bully is always trying to pressure Calvin into smoking weed. That's where Hobbes comes from, yo. It's just because Calvin's high all the time. Look at my YouTube videos. It's called Calvin's high all the time. Fan theories.

So in your podcast, you guys create art in Jake and I's podcast. We don't create anything, but we advise people out of their difficult questions. Creative solutions. Yeah, which is almost more important than like a painting. Because we're actually helping a real person. I should mention that we do, we record all of our podcasts from a soup kitchen. Oh shit. I would love that.

We really disrupt the workflow. My favorite kind of kitchen. Every kitchen I know. Oh boy, dill, soup. Just hot water and a slice of dill. That's right, a slice. So these are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity.

Sure, sure. Caldwell, why don't we start with you? This is a guy, a 17 going on 18 year old guy's name. Okay. You usually have a theme on these. Yeah, but they could be anything you want. How about to dictate the theme right now? How about fake names from our YouTube show, Drawfee?

YouTube.com. Yes. We come up with all sorts of kooky characters that have fun names. Okay. All right. So you want to do, let's say this one is Porfo. Porfo. That is a good name.

Is that a recurring character? That is. Yes. All right. Porfo writes. Fan favorite. I'm 17 going on 18 and in my final year of high school, every morning I wake up, make breakfast, turn on the TV, and there's this kid's show, Game Shakers, which I watched ironically

to insult it, but recently I found myself liking it. My family come in and out of the living room and say some shit about how it's a kid's show and I just nervously agree with them. I want to continue watching the show without seeming like I enjoy it. I could watch Family Guy or the Simpsons in the morning, but I'm weirdly into this show. How do I proceed watching it every morning without seeming like I enjoy it? So I can't say I'm waiting for the next show because I turn off the TV after the episode is done and I continue to get ready.

This guy's preferable fake name would be Isaac. Sorry, Porfo. Unfortunately, that's not part of the game. Tough luck, Porfo. Do you guys know what this show is? Game Shaker. I do. Noted.

You do not? Well, on my way to work, I drive past a giant billboard for it every day. So what's it called? Game Shakers. Game Shakers. So I have two nieces and I'm sort of tangentially aware of the world of Nickelodeon shows. Kids consume TV shows like none other. They'll stare at a TV for like six hours straight watching and it's always a new show every

three months. That show's over. Wizards of Waverly. Well, I don't watch it anymore. Now it's Game Shakers and I've actually seen them watch Game Shakers and it's a show about, it's pretty ingenious. It's a show about a company that makes iPhone games and then you can actually download the games like the kids are consuming it while they're watching the show and it stars a bunch

of kids and Kel from Keenan and Kel is the boss. Kel's back. Yeah. Yo, that's dope. Welcome back, Kel. Welcome back, Kel. We all thought Keenan was the man. You're just saying Porfo is on like the cutting edge with this shit.

Like number one, he's up on Kel's resurgence. Number two, this is like a fully integrated show. You're on the ground floor of the tech renaissance right here. You've got nothing to be ashamed about, I think. 17 going on 18, you're at prime age to be the next Zuckerberg. That's true. You know? He's doing market research.

Yeah. So you're like a sponge. So this show you're saying is actually good to listen to. I'm with you guys in that like he's old enough now to own his decisions. He doesn't have to worry about people making fun. He's almost 18. It's like I'm an adult motherfucker. I choose to watch this.

Yeah. I like this. I will say. You just got to own it. You just got to mess up. Definitely. Fuck, I like it. I will say I have like I had a shockingly similar experience growing up.

Lois, your guilty pleasure show. Oh man, you guys, is this like I'm just going to like just take this deep down into like the nerd cave and we're never coming back. You realize that. That's why we had you on the show. Cool, cool, cool. Did we not start off in the nerd cave? I thought that was the name of the studio.

We started off in the. So cool when we were the soup boys. We were in the soup garage and now we're in the cave. I used to really love when I was in like eighth grade. So I guess, you know, what, 14 maybe. I used to love the show Digimon, which is like, oh, no, nerd called Will a dead arm and his hand broke. Oh my God.

It was all a trap. So what age was Digimon for younger kids? Yeah, it was like, you know, it was, it was younger, it was like basically like the Tamagotchi tie in show. But for like, you know, they were battling Tamagotchi's was essentially the show for seven year olds. And you're watching it. Absolutely.

And again, it's, yes, seven is like seven and 14. It feels like a huge difference. But like you're 28 when you date a 21 year old or something. Yeah. It's all relative, but you don't think of it as seven years old or think of it as twice their age. So it's like a, it's like your age dating a 60 year old. That's so hot.

Yeah. So hot. Silver box. Don't talk about his wife like that. Or a 15 year old. Even hotter. Oh. More illegal.

I remember like, there's nothing more embarrassing than kids watching shows that were meant for something, somebody like four years, even like three years. Like, I went to my cousin's birthday party. I think she was turning 11 and they played a Barney song and like all the kids had to act like they were melting, like from hearing the song, like, oh, don't play Barney. Like, I'm like, aren't you, you're nine Barney's for like six years, six year old, but like the fact that you're just like three years older is like such an embarrassing thing. Yeah.

But each year when you're that young is incremental. Yeah. It's, it represents half your life. It's a milestone. Yeah. Yeah. When you're, there ever has been seven and eight is like the difference between, I don't know, 30 and 35.

Of course. Of course. All those 35 year olds like, oh, that's so 30. Yeah. When I hear like a third eye blind now, I just melt like, oh, come on. No embarrassing. Just kidding. I play the new stuff.

I jump around. What was your TV watching while you get ready in the morning show? Ooh. In high school? I never really had like a specific show because I feel like, I didn't have a TV in my room or anything. And like, I feel like it would just be like whatever my parents wanted. So I feel like we were like, we're rocking out to the today show.

Like 6am. Yeah. Yeah. Seeing what Al Roker's up to. Yeah. This, this image of being able to leisurely get ready with the TV on is so foreign to me. It was, it was a mad dash to like, wake up and just make sure I had like clothing on my

body. You were like, you were like a, hey, bus is coming in three minutes. Yeah. Wake up kid. Yeah. I switched to that too. I remember like in, in middle school when I was like a little more obedient, I was watching save by the bell.

Sure. And then discipline. Like in high school, by the time, like by the time I was a senior, I was waking up with like four minutes to get to school by the time it started. I wake up on the bus somehow. I think it's falling asleep on the bus. Here's the thing. I mean, I guess if, if this person, if Porfo's waking up this early, is do they, I don't want

to speak to their, their means, but like, I don't know if they have like a, like a laptop or like at the very least like a computer lab they could hide out in. Yeah. Cause I know that all this. You don't even need to watch TV. You can just watch on your phone. Yeah. I imagine they've got a phone.

Yeah. But you really have to watch in like a big, big television to, to really appreciate it. Game shakers is like gravity. Yeah. You can't just watch on your phone. What you got to do is wake up early, go to an IMAX theater. Game shakers is like, what's that Terrence Malick movie was like, you can't watch it on your screen.

You have to watch it in movies. It was like with Brad Pitt. Oh yeah. Fuck me. I know what it was. Tree of Life. Book of Life. Tree of Life.

Yeah. Yeah. Game shakers is kind of like Tree of Life. I would say so. I mean, it's no Bella and the Bulldogs, but what are you going to do? Yeah. I think you got a, you like, like Jake was saying, you're, you're old enough to own this decision. Yeah.

I think you got to lean into it. I think you got to start buying the merchandise. Yeah. Like start using the catchphrase. Oh yeah. I don't, I don't agree with this. See, I don't know where, like the line for these shows is so blurry. Like watching Degrassi is almost cool, but it's also made for kids.

I mean, why is that cool? When you're game shakers bad. I think liking anything is really, really scary. Yeah. Like too easy. What does everyone else think? Like, oh, I like this shirt unless you don't. I, oh, I like this band.

Oh, does everybody else hate it? Me too. So, you brought on such an, you brought on such an insane limb when you have an opinion about anything. You got to full on Aaron Burr this shit and just bury those opinions. What is, what is your family like? You know, what are, what are they watching that's so much better than game shakers? Yeah.

They're watching the Today Show on loop. They're getting there. They're getting that Roker Dose, man. They're Roker Dosing on Roker Dose. They're roped out. I remember. They're stoked on the Roke. My embarrassing show.

There's nothing wrong with the Today Show. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. I remember as like a 14 or 15 year old, I used to watch the Rosie O'Donnell show after work and that was kind of my equivalent. After work? Oh, sorry. You put it up.

The factory. What were you doing? You were 14. Yeah, I was a blacksmith for two and a half years. Just making horseshoes. You're learning the family trade. And then hanging up my hat and going home and seeing Rosie O'Donnell this over a weight lesbian just throwing kooch balls into the audience.

I don't know why it resonated so much with me. I mean, Rosie O'Donnell's a loser. I'll probably sue her. I'd like to take some change out of her fat ass pocket. Just see you there. Just like. You guys remember the Donald Trump really put Rosie O'Donnell on blast? I do not remember that, but I fully believe it.

Everybody just searched Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell. It's really funny. This is what's going to sink his campaign. You just got to resurface that. Now, I'm just picturing you watching this show just like polishing like several swords. Yeah, wondering why. What happened to my life? So I guess don't worry, dude, everyone has their guilty pleasure.

But yeah, try maybe own it. Yeah, own it, but also hide it. Yeah, I would say like, yeah, you know, like own it, slash, shrug it off, like whatever. Yeah, like, yeah, leave me alone. This little lie to mine, I'm going to put it in a cavern and let it shine and there unless people really try to find the light. Yeah, in case I might turn it so dim, get a dimmer switch on that for the moon.

Let it shine, let it shine inside indoors away from everyone else. Are you guys ready for another question? Absolutely. Hell yeah. This one is a lady. Nathan, do you have a lady's name? Legsy. No, let's get another one. OK, no, no, no. How about Raiji? No, Legsy's good.

How about how about Gunthea? How about Legsy Gunthea? That's her first for her first name. Her last name is Jones. This is more of an interesting exploration of the male psyche than anything else. I hooked up with a guy who lives far away whilst on a visit. We somehow got to talking and became friends as we texted daily for a few months. Obviously, it's quite odd to chat with someone for hours every day

that you have no interest in romantically. But if you genuinely like them as a friend and a human, why not? Upon a second visit, I was excited to find out that he had begun a relationship with someone else just that week. One night during my visit, we had to stay in the same bed. Nothing sexual happened, but we found ourselves cuddling and holding hands in the middle of the night, which we shut down and never spoke about. However, later that week, we ended up sleeping together.

We were. What a turn. We both felt quite badly after we still chat sporadically as friends, despite both being in relationships with other people. Do you think he was just an opportunist and seized the cheese because he could, despite being able to do so with his super hot girlfriend? Or were his motivations possibly romantic? If the former, am I kidding myself in thinking that we are actually friends

and he just wants to keep his options open? Perhaps the best way to answer this is to see how you guys would feel in the situation. And if you were him, under what circumstances would you have slept with me? Thanks, guys. Love, Legzy. And what was her last name? Gunthia, Gunthia, Gunthia Hyphen Jones. So this is a lady asking for a guy's thought. And I thought, hey, we're four guys in a room right now.

Maybe we can shed some light. Just four normal guys. Four dudes, four brains, four membranes. Before we all loved game-shakers. Yeah. So what specifically question? Do you think he was just an opportunist and seized the cheese because he could or were his motivations possibly romantic?

It seemed mutual. I don't know. I think that like the signals were there and sure it might be slightly immoral because of their prior engagements, but like it didn't seem like anything to to. Like Risque was going down. It seems like there was a good, a good feedback loop, I guess. This feels like this feels like the first scene in like a Nora Ephron movie or something. These guys are getting I'm calling it right now.

I'm putting down some big money. These guys are getting together. It's a story about them after the love stories about them. Yes, exactly. You're saying it is romantic. It's more than just a hookup. Yeah. Because like the fact that they're remaining friends and like that's I think that I think that a lot of people, maybe dudes, especially don't get this,

that like you are supposed to be friends with the person you're in love with. Like that's not those are two different categories. Right. Like Caldwell's married. Everyone. Yeah, the first thing that she said before they they had a date, right? They hooked up. Yeah, she visited. They hooked up and then they went back to her touch. They kept in touch.

She visited again. The guy was with a girlfriend, but they still hooked up now. OK, so you're not friends with this guy. Yeah, they never had a friendship. It was a it was a date. It was a hookup. Then it was a cuddle session. Then they had sex.

So where I I don't think that you could explain to either of your significant others that it's just a friend of yours. Yeah, yeah. Definitely somebody that you're dating and hooking up with while you're with. Oh, no, yeah. Don't get me wrong. It's morally despicable. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the same time, I mean, how many we're all morally despicable at times.

This is this is the driving conflict. I'm trying not to judge her. I'm just saying what you have isn't a standard issue. Friendship, sure. Nor is it a one night stand because you guys are continually talking. It's an affair. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what it is. All right. There isn't. There's a word for it.

Oh, right. They're having an affair. Do I have a friend? No, no. You you're having an affair. You have what's called a friend, I fuck. A mistress. Yeah, you have a mistress. Well, she is. And he has a mister. No, no, no, this is different. It's different. This is just another fucker.

No, no, we slept in the same bed and nothing happened except that we cuddled and then fucked later on. Yeah, we we quickly shut it down and then had sex. She was so like adamant, like nothing sexual happened. We kind of cuddled, but we shut it out and never talked about it. This is this is why three hours later we fucked and never talked about it until we had sex. Then we felt she really buried the lead.

Yeah, I mean, again, this is this is why it's like it's narratively rich. Yes. Smith, which Amir, while you were reading that, all I could think about was have you ever considered doing books on tape? No, I haven't actually because you I listen to this podcast when I'm not here also. And why? When I'm not performing.

Yeah, I listen to it when you're not on it. You're you're very good at reading the questions in a in a narrative tone. Oh, cool. Thank you. I think I'm getting better because, like, at first, it's hard. You're just you're just reading it. And then it's like, oh, I should probably be reading it in an interesting way so as to keep people's attention.

I think that when this I think that's the progression here is that we steal this wholesale, make it a steamy, you know, complicated romance novel read by Amir. I think most Nicholas Sparks novel. Yeah, that's a cool idea. Here's the thing. Most books are books first. This is going to be a book on tape, then a book. Your voice is going to be the selling point. So Amir's just going to like stream of consciousness right the book.

Yeah, OK. I'll just treat this as the opening chapter and start waxing poetic, spinning a yarn, a story that can a weave. Yeah. Legsies lament. So is it we have questions like this a lot? We're like, we're just friends, right? And I feel like the guy doesn't necessarily think that. No, I think I know that people sometimes have sex with their friends.

But I think it's a little dangerous to be having sex with your friends while you're with somebody else. Exactly. Then it turns into really not a friendship. Then as Nathan mentioned, it's an affair. I think that's really the like that's that's the that's the point. We really have to drive home. I'm just picturing if you're having sex with somebody, it's an affair. It's just and it's not fair to the people.

You're right. Wow. An affair is not fair. An affair is not fair. And frankly, it's in a front. That's all I got. So choose, lady, choose. You got you got to have one or the other. You can't have a friend that you bone and also a boy.

Yeah, it's an affront to go behind someone's back. And you want to confront, but you don't want to attack. Keep going. Jake sort of sets him up and you knock it down. Yeah, like, but not in not in a good time. Like you wrap up the question like, wait, OK, I got it. You got to air these grievances. Now there's a slam pump to sort of take it home.

I'll give you the break to think about it. Why don't we take a small pause to thank a few more sponsors and we'll be right back with more Jake and Caldwell. I guess we're going off air. It's a four day break and then we'll be back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult,

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Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 percent off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, we're back. All right. Hi. What do you guys got going on other than your podcast and your business lives, you know, your various businesses? I know called was a fisherman. It's true.

A blacksmith. I'm a monger. I'm a fish monger. Oh, sorry. How dare you? It was different. Apologize. Name three type of fish. Corn, this horse. Well, you know, we Nathan's out here. We've been working on some some Drawfee stuff together, right, which has been fun. We actually, I was in New York before we've been kind of a bouncing back and forth

between the coast. We've been doing that by coastal. How do you like that? Very nice. Great. So good. As long as you don't do anything in between, I feel like you really hit up the highlights of America, bouncing back and forth between New York and L.A. Exactly. Yeah. Cut out all that that middle America. I actually fly over state.

I prefer to I prefer to puddle jump them. Just like, yeah, I get myself like a, you know, one of those planes with pontoon. Prop planes. Yeah. And it's cool. So you visit the Great Lakes, visit the Hoover Dam. Yeah. The. Any body of water, really. Of course. It's a Salt Lake City. It was a pricey investment, but I think it was worth it. Most people like, you know, get a car or lease.

I just got the puddle jumper. That's really cool, dude. You got to go, man. Jake and I are actually going to D.C. Brooklyn, Boston and New Haven in just a couple of weeks. Got a tour coming up. Yeah, we have a tour coming up. So if you guys live in those cities and you want to check us out,

go to ifireuseshow.com for tickets. Do you want to take my jumper? You know what? I think we might fly commercial. OK. Sure. It's available. I'm going to hop on a Delta flight. I don't trust you to land the plane in lakes across America. What if I deliver me safely to Washington, D.C. That's fair. I do not have a pilot's license,

but the plane is called the Jake. I'm in. Fuck it, dude. If I'm going down, I'm going down in the Jake. It's a it's a lake jumper called the Jake jumper. Thank you. The Jake Lumber. Oh, a lake jumper called the Jake Lumber. The Jake Lumber. I'll take that.

It's a cool nickname for me. Yeah. Or just like a name change. Hey, man, I'm Jake Lumber. Oh, is Lumber going to come through? Lumber in the house. Bad name. Lump, you dude.

Got humped by the lump. Anything else new, happening, exciting that you guys want to plug other than your podcast? Can we just plug the podcast twice? Yeah, you could say. I don't know if we have ever even said the name yet. It's what should we draw? And then how do people find it?

You can find it on Head Gum. Hell yeah. Yeah. I can search for it in iTunes. And you can go to whatshouldwedraw.com to see all of the drawings that we've done for the show, as well as some cool fan art that people have been making. Sweet. Total poop, dude.

And if you guys like me and Jake, you can start with our episode. And then Emily was on an episode. Yeah. Emily was on an episode. We had our buddy Jake Young. We had Halle Cantor. Oh, shit.

All the old college humor boys and girls. Thank you. We've got Jeff Rubin coming out. Oh, man. Oh, really? Yeah. What was his? His was about video games, I bet.

I'm so nervous. It actually. I think we ended up. Yours was about play-doh. Yeah. We had a whole discussion, and then Amir just comes up with this, like, has nothing to do with what we've been talking about, just a pun.

I'm a big fan of, like, those side swipe episodes. We're like, we spend an hour just trying to deconstruct what we're going to draw. And then Amir just presents this beautiful New Yorker tier comic on a platter. I once tried to create, like, a Farside-type comic. Oh, wait, what was it called? I remember that shit.

What was that called? It was called Cap Basso. The problem was, I didn't have enough ideas, and David Cho, who illustrated it, like, illustrating is not his strongest suit. So, like, it was basically mediocre attempts at both. But I feel like if you guys teamed up together with someone funnier than me, you guys can maybe, like, start

taking the torch of Farside now that it's Farside. I think, I mean, yeah, that's the plan, is eventually just to become, like, a, you know, become, like, a viral comic machine. Yeah, I would say so. Does it print comics, like, interest to you guys at all? I would, I would like, it's kind of like a, I think at this point it's just, like, a feather in your cap

more than anything. Print's a dying media. Thank you. It's all about podcasts right now. Farside would be the best Snapchat. Like, Larson was born too early. It really would. It would be.

Actually, it would be the best Instagram. Yeah, I'd follow Farside. It's a one-panel Instagram. You know what, I almost, I started, or I wanted to. I looked up Farsides to put on Instagram just because I think a lot of the people that follow me are younger and probably maybe don't remember Farside. Right.

And then I read somewhere that Gary Larson, like, specifically asked Farside fans not to put his stuff online. Oh, man. Yeah, he's like, he's like so old school. He's like, it doesn't deserve to be on the internet. You have to hold it. It has to be in a gallery.

I just want to be like, just make an Instagram account, dude. People will, like, discover it so much more readily. Maybe this can be our new campaign. Doesn't he want people to read the comics rather than just preserve their memory? Yeah, by a books dude. Got to buy that scholastic. It's got to be a gallery.

Yeah, I remember, like, book fairs. Everyone's like, what books do you want? I'm like, comics. Only the comics. Well, I said there's nothing permanent about digital stuff, but I can't get songs off my phone. So they're baked in there. That absolutely nine days story of a girl's song

plays every single time my phone cracks to Bluetooth. Oh, man. Yeah, I was. I can't get rid of it. I rode across the country with Ben Joseph to come out here. I started to hear that. He forced me. He took me honest.

He fucking gaslighted me. He hunted and gathered you. Yeah. Yeah, I guess the correct term would be, he bamboozled me to driving across the country with him. I woke up in the car, but he had the same issue, because I guess it's the number nine, like numbers play before alphabetical stuff.

So every time we connect to it. This is the story of a girl. Oh, really? And it starts so loud, but you can't hide from it. That song has embarrassed me many a time. It really, I will say, driving across the country and listening to that song at least twice a day, it really goes around the bin and becomes very funny.

And then it goes around the bin again and becomes the worst thing you've ever fucking heard. That's the guys who made up that song. How do you feel about it, too? We have time for one more question. It's actually about animation and anime conventions. So I feel like it's perfect. They're well curated, sir.

This was actually a coincidence, though I should have searched something along these lines. These questions found me knowing that you'd be here. You have, like, just a nerd shit folder. It's a nerd tag, actually. All right, are you guys ready? We need a guy's name. Guy's name.

Oh, a guy's name. Chris. Chris. Oh, I love that. It's spelled Chris, but it's pronounced Chris. Yeah, right. Big fan of the show and super excited for Lonely and Horny. That's right.

We have a new web series out called Lonely and Horny. You guys can watch the trailer and pre-order it right now at Vimeo.com slash Lonely and Horny. Chris, right, all right. The title alone describes me, and I had a kind of an urgent question regarding both my current state and an upcoming convention. In two weeks, I'm headed to anime Boston with my brother

and our best friend. There are going to be a lot of hot cosplayers, and I was hoping I could charm one of them into coming back to our rented apartment to do this and that. I am a certified virgin to the female genitalia, and I'm also 20, so I obviously don't have much time left. Is there any advice you can give me on convincing a hot girl that I'm worth having at least

a one night stand with? Is the fact that I've got a rented apartment with two other guys creepy? My brother and my friend are also interested in getting it on with people, and in the off chance they get lucky, and in the off chance they get lucky, that could make for an ugly scene. Would it be best if I told you guys,

would it be best if I told the guys to shoo for a bit? I myself will be cosplaying Scott Tracy from Thunderbirds, who I doubt most other Americans would be familiar with. I also have a beard which doesn't fit the character. Would I have more luck cosplaying someone more recognizable or would the chicks dig the obscurity and creativity of my portrayal of Mr. Tracy? Thanks and best wishes, love, craze.

Oh craze. Nathan, are you an anime convention kind of guy? Or is that more of a Caldwell thing? Caldwell probably more so. I've been getting into anime, I started getting into anime because Caldwell used to be my boss and I wanted something to talk about with him, but I genuinely like, I mean,

there's so much bad anime out there, but Caldwell luckily has like sifted through all of that for me and would just give me good wrecks. Okay, great. So you guys are, I feel like between you three, you guys and Jake, you guys can figure out how to help this guy go to an anime convention and then also woo a lady, hopefully.

First of all, there's nothing sexier than putting a time limit on your virginity. Right. It's 20, so I- Time is running out. Time is running out for me. I'll be dead in 80 years. That's the one I combust if I haven't had sex.

I have a Cinderella curse on my dick. You guys, you laughed at when he said it's costume. Who is that? Now I'm trying to, there's a new show on Netflix that is like a kind of bizarre throwback show and I don't know if he's referencing that one or if he's referencing like the classic British show. Can we like do like a quick Google maybe?

Yeah. I think the show he's thinking about is- What was the name of the character? Sir Scott Tracy. Scott Tracy from Thunderbirds. Okay, so I'm gonna go out. Oh yeah, it is. The 1960s.

He's talking about the show that Team America is based on. It's a show made entirely with like mannequin puppets and like action figure sized, like toy planes. So it's not even an anime. Look, this might be totally wrong what I'm about to say so you guys can tell me because I don't know anything about these conventions. But if it's anything like Halloween,

you wanna have an instantly recognizable, super popular costume. Actually, what is an anime convention? What? Is it a party? It's like Comic-Con. Yeah, actually, anime theme. Here's the thing, I kinda,

I was, as I discussed before on the show, I lived my life just like stuck inside a deep pillar of shame about the things that I liked and enjoyed. So you never went to one of them? Not until I was a little older, not until I was like 18, or roughly like early 20s. And as a party, or as a walking around during the day panels? It's a little bit of both,

but like from my understanding, it's like fuck camp for teens. Oh. It is like, nerds get wild at these things. That's great. Especially in anime Boston and Otacon, oh yeah, it's just popping. Rent the apartment with your brother and his buddy.

Yeah, step one. So what's a good example of a good costume? Like Jake said, what's one that's instantly recognizable? Keep in mind, this guy's a beard. Cause you don't wanna be so popular that you're just one of the million of Edward Elricks walking around. Thank you, yeah.

Now I'm trying to think of a good bearded character. What if you do the anti-joke and you go as the joker from Dartmouth? Or you just do like the Pikachu in the onesie. That Jeff Rubin again, bringing it back, wore that to a Porum party. Actually, it's Porum time. So it's a triple callback.

Ooh. I think that with a beard, you could do like kind of like a unique spin. You could do like a Batman with a beard if you wanted. I think you got to lean into the beard a little more and either do like, you know, kind of a slightly ironic costume like that. Well, there are...

Or, sorry. Well, did you have some good examples of anime characters with beards? Striking like few, I think. Yeah. Because it's a Japanese thing and they can't grow facial hair. A little bit maybe.

You could be, well, there are so many like angsty teen anime characters. You could just be one of them, but slightly older. You'd just be like, oh, I like that. I'm Shinji with a beard. I'm Shinji, but grown up. Shinji's dad has a beard. You could be Gendo Ikari

from the Ingenesis Evangelion. Am I still allowed on the podcast? I feel dirty being on this level of loser. We're talking about, no, we got to delve into this man. We got to dip a toe into this loser pool. You could be Van Hohenheim. Clearly, yeah, this guy is going to be competing among a lot of versions.

We're trying to take home a cosplay thing. So do you think that allows him, this is his best bet? It sounds like a lot of people go there with the expectation that they're gonna have sex. A lot of people that aren't like... Well, I guess I honestly don't know, but I think a lot of guys go with the expectation that they're gonna have sex.

I can't speak for the ladies. I feel like any time dressing up is just terrifying because it's just inviting all sorts of creepos. Well, I will say also that going to Boston, going to a big city in general, is kind of helpful for getting laid because you're gonna be around a lot of new people.

Even if it's not at the convention, like you should just get on those dating apps. Yeah, oh, that's a good, yeah. It's so preswiping. Yeah, and then take some costumed pictures for the app. Do you think that, is there a nerd-specific dating app? Or like a, oh, interesting. You know what it should be.

An Otaku Tinder. Right, you have to, like the quiz is you can't download Tinder and tell you say who in Otaku is. Name three Thunderbirds. Do you remember old video games? I remember like playing Leisure Suit Larry when I was nine. I was like, who won the 1971 NBA finals to like verify that you're 18 years old?

Or own an encyclopedia? So I don't like that. One or the other. So I'd be like that, but for an app. I like that, yeah, I would ask you a very specific series of questions or just check to see if you have a Crunchyroll account, one of the two. Crunchyroll.

I do think Nathan had the right idea though, which is that this person she's just dressed up as like a badass version of a character. Like, I don't know what color of beard they're working with, if you go as like a badass Link from Legend of Zelda, that's a fun angle. Oh, that's kind of cool. Lumberjack Link?

Ooh, yeah. Or like a Lumberjack of anything, like mashups are big these days. Hipster, just hipster in front of any. Hipster's the new sexy. Hipster Zelda, hipster Metroid? Or you could, you know what, shave it down into a nice goatee, get yourself a Tony Stark look

going down. Iron Man. Yeah, yeah. Or you could just. Iron Man with the white t-shirt and the chest thing. Oh yeah. Like not the actual Iron Man costume. That way you just get to wear a white beard.

Yeah, that's so dope. You want to be comfy is the thing. There are going to be people like in full mech suits there. Right. And you want to be more maneuverable. If you see someone from across the con floor, you're going to want to be able to get over there. I mean, if we're being honest, you really should just,

just dress up as someone from League of Legends and you'll definitely get your dick cut. Yeah, League of Legends is like a sports. E-sports. E-sports. I think it's really backwards. Dress up like somebody you already look like. Yes.

Because when, if I went and I dressed up as like Superman or something, I was like, oh, that guy doesn't look like Superman. That's not cool. No. I'd have to dress up as some, I can't think of any of these. Post-Crisis Aquaman.

What's that? Yeah, like Aquaman with the hook hand. Oh, could I do that? Does Aquaman have a lot of? Oh yeah, you for sure have the Aquaman look going. All right, see, so that's what you'd have to do. You got to like embrace somebody who you look like already. Yeah.

Because that's what gets people excited. Is there like a cosplay app where you can take a picture of your face and it matches you with fictional characters? It's a really fun idea for now. Yeah, let's delete that. Let's just roll that back. Yeah.

Oh, sorry. That's ours. That and nerd date. Is there a, can I? Wow, that's a good idea. Can I, I want to, if I can offer just like a kernel of like real advice amidst this, which is like, I think that, I was offering real advice

and this is what I was trying to say. Look at that. I do think that like, you've got the, your intentions are noble and I know that you're worried. It sounds like the beginning of a video game. Your intentions are pure. Good sir. You are now equipped with pure intentions.

But I do think like just, you know, there are a ton of people here and they're like-minded. So like, I don't think you need to go in like fully with the expectation of like getting laid. Just like, don't be yourself. Be disingenuous. But no, just like, take it easy. Like have fun, meet people and like,

if it happens naturally, do it, but like kind of see if you can string something out. Like along, you know, just get something started. Like you've got, you've got three days and but like, don't let that be your time limit. Like- That's one of the overarching themes of Lonely and Horny, the new web series as well.

So hopefully he'll watch this entire thing and learn a lesson. The more you want it, yeah. Now Lonely and Horny is an anime, right? Yeah, he sure is. We should dress up as Ruby. Lonely X, Lonely X Horny. Is that an anime joke?

I don't know. Yeah, it fucking is. Quite. It was perfect. Drop the mic Nathan. It killed. There's an audience full of Caldwells and they're just losing their shit over that one.

11 nerds across the country. But yeah, as someone who was probably either 20 or close to 20 when I lost my virginity, it's like there are people who are able to like go into a situation like, I'm going to get laid and are successful. It doesn't sound like you're that guy. So maybe.

Already overthinking it. Yeah, like the best luck I ever had is when I'm not looking for it. I'm just like there, like you're there at the convention because you like anime and you should just be like, you should, people like it when it seems like you're enjoying yourself and having fun and are happy with yourself.

And like people can sense the nervous like wanting energy that those girls and those cosplay outfits are very, very used to like just nerdy guys hitting on them relentlessly. Just real quick. So if you can do something that's not that, if you do the opposite of that, which is leave them alone and be cool with yourself.

I would say girls not even in costumes, girls everywhere in the world are the nerdy guys hitting on them. For sure. So the coolest thing you could do is just all guys, all the, just the male gaze. Uh-huh. Cosplay is not consent.

Cosplay is not consent. That is just like an actual, that's some just real life advice right there. Cosplay is not consent. And then real quick, I want to talk about the whole like, when you're going out to a new city, like staying with friends or getting your own room and hopes, that's sort of a conversation to have.

Oh yeah, it's really gonna be rare that all three of you guys are gonna have sex. I don't know. So the move is just everybody, first of all, save the money, get the shared place. And then if something dope is about to happen, just know that you would vacate the apartment for your brother or his buddy,

and if they should do the same thing for you guys, just have a little check in with everybody. Just have a group text and have a shorthand for like, I need the apartment. Right. And if like, you know, if everything goes amazing and you all like need this apartment, then you just like figure something out.

Like that. Can you just go to a hotel? Yeah. You gotta know the room. You don't necessarily, you can't just like check in a hotel last minute. That's kind of expensive. But if you're a 20 year old virgin

and this is your one opportunity, that's when you go for broke. True. That's when you cash in the bar mitzvah money. I think that you just tell your bros, like I'm gonna need the air mattress tonight. You guys just. Put it in the street.

I don't care. I got a girl dressed as Sakura coming up here in 20. I need you guys to vacate. I'm 20 years old for Christ's sakes. But I die alone. Yeah, I don't know what like, I don't imagine this is like a, a three door like apartment situation.

I'm picturing a singular air mattress that they're all sharing. Yeah. It's probably not a studio. A share mattress. Whoever is having sex gets the most private room. That's. That's the rule.

That's the rule. All right. Good luck. What do we call them? Create it. Create it. Create it. Create it.

Just chill. Yeah. Keep it cool. Keep it cash. Thanks to you guys for coming on the show. Thanks so much for having us. How did it feel? It felt great.

It felt like nice to not. It flies by, right? Truly. That was seven hours. Wow. Well, the break was six of it, but still. We watched six basketball games during the break. If you have your own questions or theme songs,

not YouTube, but anybody listening at home, the email address. Yeah, the email address is if I were you show. If I were you, if I were you. That's perfect. Jake and Amir, they'll help you too. Well, record and send it later. But the email address for all that stuff

is if I were you show at gmail.com. Jake and I, once again, are going to Brooklyn, Boston, New York, and Ohio. Brooklyn, Boston, New Haven, and DC. Yeah, it was a wave in 203, baby. And our new web series, Lonely and Horny, still available. Thanks to everybody who's pre-ordered it so far.

We're overwhelmed with all the tweets and snapchats of screen gaps of people who got it. And we're trying to do our best to thank them all individually. But consider this an overarching thank you in case we don't get to you specifically. Nathan Caldwell, one last time. Name of your podcast.

What should we draw? Well, they just kissed. How do you age your podcast? We usually high-fiver French. OK. Mostly French. It's like a quick pick. Opening theme song, once again, was written by Ryan Smith.

And this last one was written by Ian Taylor. Thanks, Ryan. Thanks, Ian. Thanks to you guys for coming on the show. Thank you for having us. Thanks to everybody at home for listening. We'll be back, I think, on Monday, but maybe on Thursday. There's any more.

Bye-bye. If I were you, by Jake and Mia, they may tell you you're not worth it. Or maybe even a queer. But they're different, they're best. They're going to end their on their quest to give advice on a podcast. Maybe even try and make you laugh.

Don't Starbucks suicide for the mishaps. I guess this is pretty hashtag dope. Uh-oh, what's this? It's hashtag, no. You do you, and I do me. But can we just see the cheese? See the cheese. Oh, hello.

Oh, you're still here. It's sort of like a hidden track. Oh, should I put it after like two seconds of silence or like maybe 45 minutes of silence? Well, then people will really never, ever listen to it. Or they'll be like confused. Like, oh, I downloaded this episode and not realize it an hour and a half long.

It seems like they're wrapping up at minute 42. I wonder how many people will listen to this. Yeah, in relation to how many people start it. Right. I would bet it's roughly 50%. Really? Yeah. Interesting.

Cool, that's pretty great. Well, if you're still here, it means, let's say you're driving and you felt bad like changing the track mid-drive, which is nice. That's good for you. You're a responsible driver. You're safe. That being said, go to lonelyandhorny.com right now.

But it also could mean that they're a big fan. Oh, and they were just going to listen to it through. Yeah. And if that's the case, if you consider yourself a big fan and you haven't pre-ordered lonely and horny, then I consider you a foe. What? A frenemy of mine.

I thought you meant a Vietnamese noodle soup. Oh, I consider you a foe. Yeah, a bowl. A bowl of pork broth. A bowl man or woman. Another way people are still listening is if they're washing something and their hands are wet. Yeah, that's possible.

Yeah, and if your hands are wet and you want to dry them up and pre-order our new web series, Lonely and Horny. Yeah, that's good. Go to vimeo.com. Oh, no, you can go to lonelyandhorny.com. Yeah. So just if you're not afraid to type into your browser Lonelyandhorny.com, you get 15% off with coupon code horny.

And you can start watching these episodes beginning, is it next week, the day after? Yeah, April 8th, a week from Friday. It's coming out. It's happening very soon, folks. So you can pre-order it now, and that coupon code will disappear on April 8th. So if you've been delaying, don't delay.

Just get it done today. And we cannot thank the people that have pre-ordered enough. Yeah, for real. We really appreciate it. And we're getting such positive feedback in the Twitter sphere and Facebooker sphere and Snapchat. And we just keep getting emails about people supporting Lonely and Horny.

And it warms our heart. We can't wait for you guys to see it. So Toda, thank you. Namaste. Good bye. And why don't we actually, let's actually, this is the actual end of the episode. That was a headgun podcast.

All right, now three minutes of silence, and we're back. Hey, so now the real man. We got to keep going until only four people are listening. But they're all then mowing us $1,000. No, all right, we'll be back next week. Thanks, guys. Bye. That was a headgun podcast.