If I Were You - 21: The Weiner Game

Episode Date: September 16, 2013

In this episode we discuss blackmail, breaking the ice, and believing in yourself. The big three.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace -- the easiest way to create a website. Go to Squarespace.com/ifiwereyou and use coupon code "Amir" for 20% off. Offer expires at the end of September.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you have trouble and you don't know what to do Just listen to Jake and I'm here to tell you Make it some good advice, it's the best that you can get It's the only advice Mark has on the internet Hosted by them If I were you Whoa, don't chill Very chill

That was Mike Graham Thank you Mike And this is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake And we are, this one's going to be a super fast

Two minute mini-soad Oh come on, wow I have to, I know I told you that I had to have dinner At 546 You're telling me right now I'm so sorry You have to have dinner at 546 I have a reservation at 546

Excuse you And I'm running late Let's just get to the questions Hey guys, fuck this one's super long So I'm going to skip it Alright Also long, skip it Let's just do like a general

Let's take the break that I like to take right now Okay, break, break, break, break, break Okay, just to the generic What's like a one, one little Outro song, time for outro song And this one is by Kelsey Hey, no, I'm sorry

This isn't going to be a short episode It's going to be a long episode You know what we've been saying Every episode should be 30 minutes long And we never even, we never do that It would always go quote unquote long So maybe we should just start calling them 40 minute episodes

I don't like that one bit No, because then we start Then we start getting long I think we always say we're 30 minutes late And then we run 10 minutes late Yeah, yeah, yeah People always, we get a lot of emails Like why you, why do you cap it at 30

Who's complaining Nobody's complaining We just aren't funny enough To talk for an hour straight I get exhausted, I get tired Sometimes I'm not funny enough To talk for five minutes straight Right

It's, it is weird that it's Slightly athletic in that regard Like it just feels like we're just Gabbing, but it really is You're drained afterwards Yeah, why? What are we doing? We're not, we're not

We're not athletes Yes, we are In some regard If anything, podcast is like The hardest sport Yeah So I would say I'm I'm good at soccer now

For some reason, I think Sorry, Jeter Oh, Captain My Captain No Oh, Captain My Me I have more endurance than you do Because I can speak for 38 minutes in a row

With trying to be funny The whole time I don't necessarily see The all-time hit record I think the next supercut Will be us saying, how's that? Yeah We have a

How is that fair? Yeah, how is that fair? We have a live Podcast taping Coming up in November In Brooklyn Yeah, so if you want to see us Talk about what heroes

We are for recording a podcast You guys should come out And support us It's at Littlefield In Brooklyn on November 6th So if you go to littlefieldnyc.com And search for us on November 6th Or if you go to ifirusho.com

You can get ticket information there We want as many people as possible Because that way we make the most money Right And it's also nice to have A nice support But I'm saying if we don't Pack the house with like

Supportive fans We won't make as much money Well, here's a real reason That you can come Yeah If we have that show And a lot of people come Then the touring agents

That go to that show Yeah Oh, we should send these guys out On an actual tour And then we can come To your cities And make even more money You're so fucking smart

Oh, small You petty asshole I'm pretty Tell you what I quit How much money do you have now? Um, God Why did you

Wow, I'm so sorry You scolded me You made me feel small of myself And I don't appreciate that actually It has nothing to do with money If you quit Will you Will you

You little Jew You can say that Because your father's Jewish But your mother's not Jewish I think my father being Jewish He would be mortified if he Would be calling you that Luckily he supports me so little

He'll never hear this Or any other endeavor that I accomplish How's that dad? You think Jew? No, I'm just joking We obviously have enough money as is We don't need money But it would be fun to

To have money Yeah, to have money I'm never gonna be genuine I just want that cash I want that green, that nasty, that gushy stuff Do we actually make money from this show? Oh, God We'll talk about it after

It's not worth even getting it to right now I would love some Should we explain how this show works? What's the point, right? We might as well dive right into it Sure Okay, here we go Question number one

Ah, it feels weird How the show works is People in sticky situations Email us their problems And Amir and I do our best To try and solve them, though Oftentimes we fail and just Succeed at making the person feel like

A jerk forever reaching out to us But that doesn't mean you Should not reach out to us Because if you're in a very Difficult place in your life We want to help you out So that email address is If I were you show at gmail.com

We get tens of 50s submissions a day We comb through literally half of them Find the first five and answer them in order Wow, that is how lazy we are Come give us your money at Littlefield Next week Actually, don't go to the show Venmo me 30 bucks

That way I don't have to do shit And I still get money I'll get my future wife on Venmo I met my future wife in the About Us section of Yellowpages.com She was a marketing manager Alright, so we got some five Really good emails to get there

We're gonna give them fake names But these emails I assure you Are 100% accurate This one comes from someone we'll call Carl Carl Carl writes Hey guys, I got a big problem

At our school there's a game where you Pull out your wiener and slam it onto a desk Almost every guy does it And it has become something of a tradition I was in the lead But then some weirdo pervert Snapped a pic of my dick and now he blackmails me I can't talk to my parents or teachers about it

And all my friends won't help me Because they think it's funny What should I do to stop it? I really don't want anyone to see the picture You're my last hope Love Carl Oh no, Carl There's a game where you pull out your wiener

And slam it onto a desk Calling it a sort of a tradition Really glorifies it to an extent That it does not deserve He's the only one that plays the game So far I'm in the lead 83 to love And no one else has even come close

But I guess somebody snapped a pic Because he was so honored To see the little Michael Jordan that I whip out That's dominating this game The goddamn Will Chamberlain, the Pete Rose And the Michael Jordan all rolled into one He wanted an autograph and a selfie with it Snapped a gram, put it online

And suddenly I feel like a diva and an asshole about it I don't want to tell my parents I'm supposed to be a hero I'm supposed to be the goddamn leader Of this game Nobody's snapping pics of me A lot of penises around school look up to me The lesser known B grade penises

Look up to my cock What a stupid game And calling somebody else a pervert When you're the one whipping at your penis And putting it on a fucking public desk Where people take tests You sick fuck He probably has an SDD

If you think about it, you should get tested sir I mean you haven't boned anything But you've at least grinded the head of your dick Against some pretty compromising surfaces I would say Get some bacteria You could get some bacteria in there What are you talking about?

You could get some bacteria in there You'd probably be careful actually What's going on with you? Get some drug-resistant strains of diarrhea Going around at this point I'm sorry Why are you talking like that? I think this is my syphilis

And what? I have syphilis So that makes you talk like a deep voice person This episode's coming out on Monday right? Yeah, Monday September Don't tell me 16th So at this point

When I'm listening to this episode I will have possibly gotten the results Of my STD test back But you don't know what they are now How long does it take to get results Of an STD test? I'm not sure I haven't been tested in a very long time

There should be an app That makes it instant I would feel like With the new iPhones You know how you can get your little thumbprint I feel like you should be able to Touch the tip of your dick Against your phone

And it would tell you if you had an STD or not I sure would like to know I really would buy that app I really would buy that app Or get like a free app Because I don't have an STD Because the only person that touches your dick is you Very funny

Not a joke Yeah, not a joke I am the joke I'm always the joke Why are we talking about dicks? Why are we talking about dicks? Well, I'm the butt The butt of every joke

So where were we? We were trying to help this guy Well, we haven't tried to help him yet Yeah, his friends are trying to blackmail him Because he took out his hog And someone... I will say I think you can come out ahead of this

Depending on how your dick looks I mean, the thing is The guy that took the picture of your dick Is sort of a pervert And I think you could Actually go to your parents Or go to your teachers And be like

Or at least go to your friends And just be like Hey, this fucking weirdo Took a picture of my penis And has a picture of my penis on his phone Well, you know the game that we play The old touch the dick to the table game You know, it's a tradition

Dad, you went to my school Oh, you started the game, did you? Okay, so I'm just living in your footsteps Your dick steps Your condom steps I really think you could like Number one, tell people Tell enough people

And make this guy feel like a weirdo For having a dick pic on his phone of you Which he should feel pretty strange about Two, catch him like You know, not in front of your friends Where it's funny And just have a genuine heart to heart with him And be like

Hey, I really am uncomfortable with you Having that picture Three, snatch his phone And break it in half Which is probably what I would do That's what you do after the heart felt like Listen, man, I know it's funny to be like Oh, I got a dick pic of me

But I really think that'll make me Like compromise it Okay, nah, here you go You're right, absolutely Give me your phone Go! I snapped it That was a 5S!

Ass, you ass! It's already on It's already online You did nothing but break the hardware Or like do your absolute best To get a picture of your other friends, dicks And now everybody's on the same fucking page Yeah, hopefully everyone is still playing this game

This perverted game The old dick on the table What a weird game to invent Yeah, my ultimate advice is just stop playing this game You weirdo Yeah, maybe like take up katana or some shit Yeah, it is Like war or blackjack or poker or something

Something where you don't take your dick out We're volunteer Yeah, or play games Yeah, stop playing games and I guess help Go to a soup kitchen Our advice is to go to a soup kitchen Actually, everybody's for everyone Stop your dick down on a metal fucking shelf

Next to a... Next to a Vata soup A five quarter of pea soup Say you need a ladle Yeah Here's a straw Here's a straddle Straw

Sort of what a dick is You think you can cut a dick off at the base And use it as a straw? Oh my god Is that how your... That really ruined my day That you're eating pea soup right now Oh, that fucking seriously

I hate that image so much Why? I'm actually depressed right now What would you use as the tip? Oh, stop it, oh my god The disembodied base or the tip? Yeah What would you suck on if necessary?

What? I assume that your ether goes all the way down, right? I mean, it wouldn't stop I don't think I'm really gonna throw up Oh my god, he's doing it Imagine, yeah, yeah, just sucking on it And there's like blood and veins and everything There's also like, it's like lukewarm pea soup

It's not even good Oh please, don't, we're gonna do this right now You know I hate pea soup, man Holy shit, you look nauseous of yourself You're gonna have to move on You're queasy? You're homophobic then If that makes you queasy

Then I think I don't want to be your friend anymore Well, answer this question What's question number two? What would the burner in you say to be like Oh, that would make me queasy to touch a dick That's not what I said How dare you You were talking about a disembodied chopped in half dick

No, no, no, don't turn it into that The thought of you touching another guy's phallus Makes you sick to your stomach I'll grab your dick right now to show you I don't mind that Oh, he's not doing it, but imagine if you were Sorry, advice to this guy? Three pronged advice Each prong less useful than the last

I think you can go to your teachers I think you could say Hey, this sick bastard took a picture of my penis It's this game that all of us play It's very responsible Or just threaten him with that Be like, I'm gonna tell on you if you don't leave the photo He will be mortified if you're like

You know what, I'm actually just gonna tell the teacher As embarrassed as I am to tell the teacher I'll be more embarrassed if a picture of my penis Gets leaked to the whole school So I'm gonna tell the teacher That you took a picture of my penis That's actually illegal what he did What you did was less illegal than what he did

He can get expelled So if you want to, I would blackmail him with that You can blackmail him right back Take a picture of him taking a picture of your dick That's the one that's the most incriminating photo This is a big problem at schools right now So your school's gonna really come down on him pretty hard And the second pronged advice is to break his phone

And the third is to volunteer to soup kitchen Yeah, always The third piece of my advice always is Volunteer at your local soup kitchen That's it, at least we're making a positive difference This is literally the least we can do Yeah, I'll never go to a fucking soup kitchen Will you give me $30 a week to tell people to go to a soup kitchen?

Will you pay me to fill up a room with people That I'll tell them to go to a soup kitchen? I really, really don't want to go to a soup kitchen myself But I would like to help as long as you'll give me money Let's put a donate button on this podcast Where it's like if you don't want to work at a soup kitchen You can always just give me cash Yeah, that's a cool idea

Alright, next question Real email, fake name, we're gonna go with Urkel Urkel Steve Urkel Steve Urkel writes I just started a new school with people I don't know Except for one girl

She chatted me on Facebook a few weeks ago Before school started And she told me that she was also going to the same school as me I had never met her before she chatted me We ended up Facebook chatting for a long time And the day school started She made no contact with me Even though we had several classes with her

She keeps chatting me on Facebook and text But won't talk to me in real life What should I do? Should I make the first move? Or is it because me or she is too awkward? Thanks guys Yeah, it sounds like both of you guys are too awkward You haven't talked to her yet

And you just emailed us to ask if you should talk to her That's sort of the phenomenon of this generation Which is like people are texting and Facebook messaging I aming When you're on a computer you're very easy And like, you know, easygoing and natural And outgoing But then when you actually see the person

That you've been chatting with I've shared a lot of myself with you Yeah, but you don't want to actually look And now we have to have the first conversation of our lives Do I have to shake your hand? I just sort of really poured my soul last night to you It's so weird because like You'll talk to somebody over like using technology

Really get to know them And then when you see them I mean this happens to me when I go on Tinder dates Yeah, well this is why online dating is so successful Because when you're on Tinder It's so easy to be charming and witty And then when you're at a bar It's impossible to just walk up to a stranger

And tell them that they look attractive to you But it's also weird like when you finally go on that date Where you've been talking to somebody for a week You know, you got to know them over the app Then you move over to text You're like planning a date, making jokes Making small talk And then it's like go out and meet them

And then you do And it's like, do I say hi? My name is Jake Haven't we gotten past this? It's so weird, yeah This sort of phenomenon happened Even in our slightly older generation With like AIM

Yeah, I remember I'd have like really like long intimate conversations Late at night chatting 4 AM 4 AM AIM conversations Things get really real And then the next day

It's also like a time of day thing Where like late at night You're very open Like how open and easy going you are At the end of a party Versus 9 AM the next morning at school You're like you can't really put yourself in that mind state Right, you're like trying to finish your homework

Before class I don't want to just like No, no, no The conversation is over We don't know each other here I don't want to know who you have a crush on now I will say I will say that you should probably talk to her

Because you know It's hard when either person wants to make the first move But I think she's waiting for you to do it Just like you're waiting for her to do it But I would say there's like a There's like a thick layer of ice That's hard to break through But once you penetrate it

And you get to the frozen water underneath And like you start referencing those old conversations Then it's like the floodgates are open So I don't think the ice is hard to break through I think there's just like You know, take one swing And it's gonna shatter But there's just like

It's just hello The first three to five minutes is a little weird Because you don't know what to reference Right, but just work through it But then once you get to like the point Where you guys are as comfortable as you are Online That's like the great zone

Because you're having like cool intimate conversations But you're also in person about it Have we been mean to this kid yet? You know what? Not yet I'm gonna ask for a picture of him Maybe he has some sort of physical Dysformity we can make fun of

Or an emotional like a stigma about him That we can exploit Because as of right now We are being a little bit too friendly You did call him Urkel That's right The nerdiest person you can be Urkel

A lot of our fans weren't even born When Urkel was invented Right, they think we just made that name up Which we did So if anyone's listening Me and Jake invented Family Matters There we go Question number three

Let's do it Moving right along Speed, this is a speed podcast What do you mean? Sorry, just speed podcast We're in a speed podcast together We should get shirts that say like We're a speed podcast

You're wetting your pants I'm just excited as shit about this speed idea That we have Hey, Rec Room He's wetting the chair The speed brothers are together again I feel like or something, right? We forgot to say we're recording at Rec Room again

I think people can just hear Hear the difference You can tell we're not in the towel cave right now Yeah, they can just feel it They feel A cavernous towel apartment They know Thanks again, RecRoom.tv

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Slash if I were you Check him out Thanks BetterHelp Thank you to Squarespace For sponsoring this episode of our show Wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace

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Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Alright Here we go These are all very unique questions This is the third one From someone we'll call Stefan or Kel

Alright So a different person But sort of similar to the first one Just sort of like an alter An alter ego of sorts Hey guys I'm in a band here in London We're not great

But we're okay Our drummer however Is really bad He's never played the drums before And the only practice he gets Is at band rehearsals We recently found a new drummer Who is infinitely better

Than our first one We don't want to kick The drummer number one Out of the band Because he's a really good friend Of ours And we don't want to hurt his feelings But he can't actually

Play anything or sing I'm not entirely sure How he got into the band In the first place But here we are Any advice on how to deal With the situation Would be hashtag dope

Cheers Stefan or Kel Man that is tough I do have that question I also don't know How he got into the band To begin with He doesn't know How to play the drums

Or know how to sing And you invited him To join your band And you guys are pretty good Or you guys are okay You guys are okay But only because he's Bringing them down so much

Imagine how amazing They would have to be Like how great of a band They would be For a guy who's never drummed Before to be their drummer And they're still just okay Yeah

To bring down their GPA To a 3.0 He hits a cowbell Every nine beats I think They must have gotten So many other A's for this F To only bring them down To a GPA of okay

So this guy was at This email comes to us From John Lennon in 1963 Or some shit You guys are the Beatles Right Yeah, abandoned London With a drummer

That they want to kick out Pete Best I think Was his name We've gone through Some sort of time set Time warp We looked up Pete Best Because we were like

We were familiar And we found out Why Pete Best was kicked Out of the band Which is actually An incredibly sad story I mean there's people There's like Beatles

Biographers Like Streeter would be Great at explaining this to us But here we are Reading a Wikipedia page Skimming a Wikipedia page And paraphrasing it Well what we found out

Is that it just seemed like Pete Best didn't vibe With the rest of the band Right But the subsection was like Clothes, drugs and hairstyle So I thought like Oh Pete Best wore weird clothes

Had a bad drug problem And it didn't like Had a weird haircut When an actuality was the opposite The rest of the band Wore weird clothes Had drugs Had drug problems

And weird haircuts And Pete Best didn't want to conform It was a weird haircut It was they all They all played in like suits They had like a style A specific style For the band

And he didn't want to conform Right So they kicked him out Which is weird Because that does sound like He's just a cool guy Like oh no I want to wear My hair the way I want to do it

I do you Okay then And I'd like to Wear outfits I like you know I'm sort of Sure sure You're self expressive

No absolutely We totally agree Yeah You're fired I think You're stoned And I'm actually Just I'm a good drummer

Picture yourself on a boat On a river Getting the fuck away From our band Cause we want Ringo's star To be in our In our little hoopla now So this

Yeah reading that Wikipedia made me Just Really dislike the Beatles I think their music Is bad now Holy shit That's an unpopular

Opinion Suddenly I like Oasis More Uh oh I'm a Rolling Stones fan now Someday you will find me Uh It's the second time I stand on that song

On the podcast right And it's somehow getting worse So What's worse This guy's drumming Or My English accent That I did earlier

Like three minutes ago I think I mean wait They said he's like Only available for band practice He says he's never played The drums before And only

The only practice he gets Is that band rehearsal We don't want to kick our drummer out Because He's a really good friend of ours And we don't want to hurt his feelings I mean I think you just Be honest with him

And just be like Hey you don't know how to play the drums And we found someone that does Yeah this is a band He probably knows that he doesn't know How to play the drums Give him something else to do Make him like your videographer

Or like manager Or like manager Yeah Find one of his other Strong suits And try to use that Yeah your first Your first role

Uh old drummers To find your replacement You know Someone who's not a complete moron When it comes to drums And then fire us Because we were actually in charge Of forming a band

And we hired you You don't know how to play the drums So clearly you know how to do A better job at forming a band Why don't you guys all just Become accountants Why don't you join his soup kitchen Okay the Beatles already happened

There's not going to be another Popular British band Sorry guys That's not how shit works It's not cyclical It's like a one and done thing Well it's a little cyclical But there's already one direction

So you're good Every 35 years You're good One new band You're out Talk to us in 2048 Or whatever the fuck Alright so what's our actual

Advice for this guy Alright Be a man Kick your friend out It's like a break up It's hard at first But he'll hopefully understand It's not like he's a

He prides himself on drums I mean he doesn't know how to drum Right and this happens to In a lot of bands There's a lot of like Rotating band members This is You guys are not the first person

To have to kick somebody out of a band Yeah and odds are You won't become successful So this won't even be an issue That he'll be successful What he won't be like Oh this band went off And achieved greatness without me

I really hope one day You guys email us And say that you're really successful That'd be amazing Actually you should send us A theme song more than anything else It's true with your current drummer And with your new drummer

We'll play one in the beginning And one in the end Oh that'll be fun And then we can compare and contrast So yeah tell you what Let us kick your drummer out We're gonna send us two songs One with the current drummer

One with the new one And we'll all like Just take a vote alright Here's a boring question Why do you say compare and contrast When you're contrasting Aren't you just comparing? I honestly

Holy shit you fell asleep I hate you You would hate my twitter account And my stand up career Cause it's all that fucking gold And if you don't like that Then you really are done to me Compare and contrast

Hey why do we say compare and contrast Oh a tomato Compare and contrast this to an apple What is this? Asshole Do you want to take your little mid show break I'd love to I love the little break

Yeah we're almost at the 30 minute mark Which once is what we say Is the end of the show But not really So we can take that little break And then come back for one last question Good Any more Burning Man stories

You want to regale us with? I mean there really just weren't any There's no one story Yeah because Burning Man in itself Is a tale alright It's not like little Little Voltrons that you add up To create this mega complex

It just It all just is man It really is a 7 day experience That's sort of like net effect is Just positivity and I really felt like I mean I was wandering around the entire time Just being like this is crazy

This is crazy Do you want to go back Yes I do want to go back Did you cry I wept openly in the temple Which is The temple is How long is this break going to be

Are you talking about the temple For a fucking week So there's the man Which is the structure of You know that's like the iconic The man that they burned But there's also The temple which is

I don't know how they do it every year But this year they did it Without like using any nails It was just like a giant pyramid It was I mean gorgeous And on the inside people Write things That they're trying to let go of

They say goodbye to loved ones So they'll be like Letters to somebody's past away mom And like You went to the wailing wall in Israel Which is one of the most emotionally powerful Real things in the world And you just

You started taking the letters out of the walls The prayers You were reading them one by one And cracking up I couldn't understand it It was all gibberish But the thing is That's like

I'm not religious I mean I don't believe in God So like to see the wailing wall Mom, turn it up Turn it up for once My parents don't know my religious beliefs So I mean it's really cool to see people Dealing with loss in a way that like

Really connected with me And made a lot of sense in my eyes So more spiritual than religious Yeah yeah definitely There was not a single Or maybe there were But I didn't see any of Messages on there that's like

I'll see you in the next life Although burning a statue At the end of the festival Sounds like someone's destroying an idol Which is very biblical If you think about it It's true And Moses did come

At the end of Burning Man And he threw this two stone tablets down And all of us died So there's that Yep, Moses broke the Ten Commandments Here's a really quick story That I want you to tell Is just the guy who hugged you

There was a man who hugged you Yeah, I was walking to the bathroom one night And it was Some dude just in a He's wearing like some glow in the dark Shit with a headlamp And he was like Hey

Can I hug you? And he was just smiling I don't know what he was on And I was He was on Burning Man I was dead sober And I was just like Yeah

We Embraced Full embraced For I think a full minute Which is longer than you've ever hugged Anybody maybe Yeah, eyes shut Fucking feeling each other's heart beats

He Pulled me back Just smiling ear to ear And then when you looked around He was gone That was Jesus Christ I think that was the man that we burned You know what, I wasn't bone sober

I was actually rolling on Molly Moon rocks and mushrooms The triple M combination Turned out instead of eating cliff bars I had just been eating moon rocks all week Moon rocks is the name of an actual drug You ate, right? Yeah, well moon rocks is

Yes Alright Alright, back to the show Don't eat drugs kids Don't eat drugs Friends don't let friends eat drugs Mercy You did it, you gave in

Alright, question number four This one comes from a lady We'll call her Laura Laura Winslow My friend just lost her virginity On a first date with a guy she met On Tinder in his car Now my girlfriend is jealous

That we friends has already had sex And we still haven't We both want to But can't ever find a special secret place Where should we go for our first time? So now, where should we go to get Private time to have sex? What should my friend do with her Tinder boy?

Any advice about first times at all? Thanks, Laura So, we both want to But we can't find that special secret place I assume she means her vagina? No, this is so bad You did this You guys, if you're this dumb

Don't use Tinder Although now that I'm thinking about it English just might not be their first language Okay, so what's happened? Which is what I call dumb people If you were smart enough to be born in America You wouldn't have this problem How's that for a burning man?

One of their friends used Tinder Yep Lost her virginity on the first day in a car That's right Which sucks Why? That's not where you want to lose your virginity It should be at least a SUV

Even if it's a car At least make it with somebody you care about No Tinder I mean, I feel awful that this is some way Connected to me suggesting people Some way Every way connected to you I totally advocate using Tinder to get fucked

Because getting fucked feels good But doing fucking feels good But you know what? Sex number two through four hundred Don't, ah shit Your virginity is important I lost my virginity in a nice way Did you?

No You lost it in a terrible way Yeah, we're not talking about that on the podcast You don't feel too comfortable talking about that I'm comfortable talking about a lot of shit on the podcast Let's leave my virginity out of it That'll be episode 100 When we finally run out of shit to say

Finally don't get any more emails The only way we really do appreciate the emails And that email address again Is if I were you show at gmail.com And if you can imagine I think I actually lost my virginity in a worse way Than this girl did in the car On her first date with the Tinder guy

Yeah, I would say so Just knowing that story But I think, I guess like My advice to you guys where your question is How do we find a private place To lose out your virginity? It sounds like you're very young If you don't already have like

A bedroom where your parents aren't going to come in Or an apartment or something Self dependent enough to not have parents around Or your own place Then you shouldn't be old enough to have sex I mean, I don't know Because people do lose their virginities In high school

Yeah, I mean if you feel like you're ready I'm not going to say just If you feel like you're ready Odds are you're not And if you can't find a special secret place Then odds are you're not old enough Don't have sex kids Should I pry more as to

You telling your virginity story Or are you really not going to tell it? It's not going to happen I won't tell it Regardless of how much I beg I think I would not do it Can you at least make something up So people at least think they heard it

Because otherwise I feel like We're really blue ballsing them I don't mind blue ballsing them Give us one little thing Just so like we don't feel like We're teasing something And it's just never going to happen One anecdote

One part of it Honestly, no Not even where it was How old you were The name and age The social security number of the girl It was my friend's basement That's all I'll say

Okay, that's fine Friend's basement Kind of sad Not the saddest detail But at least you're giving us something We really appreciate that All right, good I'll tell you what though

I'll tell my virginity story If you tell yours That's the one way I'll do it Really? No, actually, you might do it No Because yours is born as shit I feel like I don't even know yours

But I could imagine it's like Oh, it's to my college girlfriend In our freshman dorm room That is painstakingly accurate Bullseye Not even the red bullseye The green inner bullseye Holy shit, how'd you do that?

You sniped it Should we do one more question Even though we're at the 30 X mark? Yeah, let's do it All right, last question This one comes from... What's his face? Waldo Faldo

Waldo Faldo Yeah, Waldo Faldo What's up, you two penis connoisseurs? I've had a thing with this girl For a little while now And it's gotten to the point Where I think the relationship Was going to be boosted up a notch

She had feelings for me for a while And I was starting to get Serious feelings for her But an ex of hers Who she still has feelings for Texted her Telling her That he had feelings for her again

And now she's taking time To decide which guy She wants to be with Me or bitch boy over there My question is How do I make sure That she picks me over that bitch tit? Thanks, fellas

Are you sure you're not the bitch tit, dude? All these bitch tits use the word bitch tit Because you did call his penis connoisseurs And then you called that guy a bitch boy And a bitch tit And you just sort of sound like an asshole So? What's the answer?

He said feelings so many times In that email Yeah, he had feelings for her Then she had feelings for her ex Who ended up having feelings for her And now she has decided who she feels for more And I kind of feel like He's a bitch tit

To be honest If a girl was choosing Between me and another guy There's no way I would even stick around To hear what that decision is Yeah, I think that makes you a bitch tit And she's like I have to decide

And you're like Okay, cool I really want it to be me What can I do? Yeah, how desperate do you have to be? Cause then like What if she does choose you And it's like

Alright, I've chosen you And you're like Alright, cool I really resent the time that you spent deciding What were you like weighing out What was a con that I had In a pro that he did For example

Also, why did it take you so long? I think that like you No As soon as she's like I have to decide You're like I can make it really easy I'm not an option anymore

Choose me Although now that I think about it It's not as crazy as it sounds Like when you are starting to date someone She in theory Is making that decision internally Maybe there is another guy And she's choosing you over him

Right, but I think it's like It's rude to let that be known When you're starting to date someone You're both deciding Like I decide I like you I decide I like you I'm gonna let go of other things in my life And you don't have to like

Bring that stuff up And like publicly weigh it out Right Make it turn into like This weird contest Right, the fact that it's like And also This is like her bringing up

It's a you versus him It's not like you versus me And like being single in my career Or school or something It's dude versus dude Right, which makes a lot of sense I understand people now Like I don't know if I can get into a relationship

Right now I'm like really busy with work I'm like I really like having my freedom Because I have that Like those thoughts, you know Right You choose non-people over people Right

But you don't actively choose humans Over other humans As soon as you're like Alright, I'm deciding between two humans You're like Oh, actually you're a monster She is the bitch tit I don't like this bitch tit one bit bit

I think she's a bitch boy for this So you're saying if you were her If you were him You'd be like No, you don't have to choose between me and him It's not happening Yeah, you make the decision By removing yourself

Okay, but Put yourself even more into his shoes Imagine there's a girl That you love so much That you really have a crush on You've loved for like a year, two years, three years This isn't putting me in his position Because he just said he has feelings for her

Okay, so you have feelings The girl you like You have feelings for the most right now Right She's deciding between you and another guy And she's like I really kind of want to be with you But I also kind of like him

I know Would you stick around for that decision? Emotions are like Really really complicate things So it's very easy But that's why it's so easy To have an advice podcast Because like

If Sure, maybe if I were in this situation I'd really like somebody I would make an exception And my advice would be You know what? If you really like someone You make exceptions

But since I Since I am like Removed from your situation Yeah I will say that like You'd She's not the kind of person That you want to like

If she's going to make you feel like this This is like in the world of How it's easy to give advice Like Yeah, if you're in a relationship And one of you is going away to college Just break up Right

Which is good advice But when you're in it You never think logically It's incredibly hard And this guy's not thinking logically Which is why I'm going to give advice That you

Just get out Find another girl That's not going to decide between Two dudes And you know what? At least publicly I'll give you the opposite advice Just go for it

Buy her gifts Buy her flowers Jewelry Get her a fucking sick watch Be like Do you really want to be with a guy Who can't afford to give you a goddamn watch? You're a penis connoisseur

You really are You're a connoisseur You're a peen No, I would say that I would say Don't Don't become a contestant In this fucked up reality show

That she's constructing Yeah, there's people out there That will not do this to you Yeah Although This guy seems like kind of A moron Right

So maybe he should just Take what he can get That's true And if that's Even if it's second place In this bitched-it festival That's almost good enough Than a

A silver ribbon I'd rather finish second Than get that DQ for Getting disqualified For starring too early Or some shit So my advice is Stay in this contest

Because you never know What'll happen Terrible Who's the bitched-it now? You Okay Fair enough Now we're definitely out of time

We're at that sweet, sweet Ten-minute pass The time that we never hit, Mark Alright Thanks so much For listening, everyone We are still receiving Theme song submissions

That email again Is ifireushowatgmail.com We still have that live Podcast coming up On November 6th You can check it out At our website Ifireushow.com

And let's play One more theme song To play us out of here Alright This one comes from Felsi She's back This is our first double submission

Oh, shoot Yeah, she already had one before Felsi, thanks again, girl Let's play this one Thanks so much For listening, everyone Oh, my God Oh, yeah

I think I just became depressed In that one second Yeah It's weird that I was able to pinpoint it Oh, my God, I almost choked out a letter What happened to your voice? I don't know I guess I'm sad

I really am I'm sad that this is over And Oh, my God I know that every new beginning Comes from another beginning Zen That's a semi-sonic lyric

Playing a song Coward You wish to Oh, they will clue you in So yo Do you And Seize the cheese and

Hashtag dope If they were you They would have made that rhyme So listen to this awesome shit If you've got the time