If I Were You - 210: Lonely and Horny

Episode Date: April 8, 2016

In this episode we discuss anxiety, manners, and our new show!This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub and BlueApron!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. All right, funky, sweet, quirky, little long, fine. Well, it was as long as we wanted it to be. I could have cut it off earlier. But did you? Because if you did, then this doesn't really make sense as much of a critique. Yeah.

No, I'll keep it all in. All right. Thank God. I love it. I love it. Was that a fife in there at the end? That was me on the fife. Wow.

My boy blooms on the fife. I do some light fifery on the side. I know you shredded the fife. I do some side fifery. You do some. You fuck with a fife. I fuck with a fife a little bit. I'll do like a little bit of side fifery like on 5th and 55.

Really? So like I'm on 5th and 55th fucking with my fife and like that's just for practice. So I'm practicing over there. Way 4th and 5th. Yeah. In between 4th and 5th. This is the first time I've heard that you fucked with a fife on 4th and 55? Well, it's on it's on 55th in between 4th and 5th.

Oh, 55th in between 4th and 5th. I'm fucking with the 5th I'm practicing. Are you on 5th or? No, no, no. I'm not on 5th or why? You think I should join 5th? I leave you. Yeah.

You could do a couple tunes and sell them on 5th or. I could do probably 5, 4 or 5 tunes on 4th and 55th. I don't know if we can fuck with the 5th on 5th or. What? The 5th? The 5th, yeah. I don't know, I'm thinking of something else. The guitar.

It's a lute. Yeah. It's a lira. A lira. Thanks to Tofer for writing that. Yeah. Appreciate it. One of our most impressive unique aspects of the podcast, I think, is the fact that

we start and end every episode with the original song written by our fans. Yeah, and they don't fuck around either. I feel bad now that I said it was too long. It was really, really cool. Yeah. So much time and effort. We're taking for granted. Yeah, and this all stemmed from the very first time we recorded a podcast when we just

made up the song in your room. Yeah, back in Brooklyn. Yeah, and we were like, maybe people will submit another theme song. That was almost second episode someone did. That was almost three years ago. It's crazy. I was 29, you were 27. Wow.

We were young and coquettish. We were full of life and love and wonder and we didn't know what to make of the world. We didn't have to know. Old and jaded and fat and dumb. Yeah. I hate the world and I hate myself and I hate you. Sorry, mate. I was trying to say it like in a nostalgic positive way.

Yeah, right. I went, I got dark. Yeah, this is kind of an exciting episode. It's the episode we're releasing on the day that Lonely and Horny is officially available. Yes. We're going to release this a little later in the day on Thursday, Borderline Friday, so that it times up that anybody listening can finish this episode. We'll just stop right now, really, and watch the first two episodes that are available

for sale on Vimeo. The timing of all of it actually is insane. Because. Because, all right, so not only is this coming out, this podcast. Explain it to me like I'm five. Okay. You and I, a duo. You lost me.

Okay. Dada. You've died at five years. How dumb were you when you were five? I was a slow learner. You were eating crayons. Yeah. So we leave Brooklyn for Los Angeles.

Yeah. At that moment, we had a podcast, we had a web series, $20 in our wallets, a credit card and a dream. Yeah. And an idea. And the credit card link to my daddy's account. Yeah. Which is more than enough cash.

My daddy gave you and I both credit cards. I love that he did that. Why? Because it's just so cool that he's going to, he'll fund both of our. Shit. Was it maximized or was it just carte blanche? You can go ham. Go ham.

He's going to pay off the balance. No worries. That little troll. He's got a bag full of gold. You've got to believe. That little pinata pumpkin man. And we did beat him. Oh, did we beat him until the coins came out?

Oh, we beat that coconut until coins came out. And we swallowed the coins like little Hanukkah gilts. No, no, no, no, no, no. We were sonic that day. Thank you daddy. Collecting father's rings. So we leave Brooklyn. Yeah.

Do you know when we left? I believe it was December. Of 2013. Of 2013. We moved out to Los Angeles. Yeah. In April-ish or in at some point later that year. Yeah.

We left College Humor. Didn't we leave College Humor a year from that April? I think we're at College Humor for a year from that April. I feel like we left sometime in the winter, but then we like rehashed it out with them to like end the series like. But we ended a year ago. We're describing two years ago. Right.

Jesus Christ. So April is 2015 is when we decide. Yeah. April 2015. Is when Jake and Amir ends. I guess I shouldn't have convoluted the story with when we left Brooklyn. Yeah. That was unrelated.

You asked me the date though. Yeah. All right. So we leave Brooklyn. Yeah. We're in Los Angeles. Correct. In April of 2015, we leave College Humor.

Yes. One year, I think to the exact day. Yeah. Is when we are launching our new web series. Yeah. And it just happens to be on the day that we return to Brooklyn for a show. Oh, right. Friday, Thursday, April 8th.

If you're listening to this, this show is going on right now. We're about to go on stage. Well, that's when it closed. Yeah, of course. Yeah. We're recording in our living room or our studio in Los Angeles. And this is actually playing in a courtroom in the year 3582. I was future murdered.

That's right. There was a future crime, as we call it in the future. My great, great, great godson committed treason. I guess Trump states of America. God, I wish. Can you imagine? I think everything we start is around April or May because I think the first Jake and Amir videos were also around then.

There's something about the weather getting nicer that sparks creativity. We started the podcast in, was it May too? Yeah. May and the website. No one wants to do shit in the winter. I'm not like creating shit in February. Well, we did shoot lonely and horny in December. In December.

Yeah. It was cold. It was cold. In the summer. Back in the spring or summer. Yeah. Okay, so start over. We think when we're warm.

Think when we're warm and then when it gets cold, we hibernate our brains. Walking around, eating and drinking, but not really doing anything constructive. Sleepwalking. So if you're at all curious, if you pre-ordered lonely and horny, you can watch the first two episodes. There's a chance, enough for us to announce it right now, that for 24 hours Vimeo is going to release the first episode of Lonely and Horny for free for a day on their Tumblr. I think that's what it is.

So if you are one of those people who is broke or for some reason you don't trust us at this point. The trailer was de- 200 episodes of our podcast. You don't trust us to make good content, you could watch the first episode. And if it leaves you wanting more, I think then you'd have to start paying. So the first one is free for 24 hours on Vimeo's Tumblr, I believe. And if you subscribe or if you buy the season, then you can immediately watch the second

episode as well. And then next week is the next two, but the first one is the only one that will be a little free teaser. Number one is a teaser for 24 hours. Number two is still off limits unless you bought it. Yeah. And we hope you watch it and we hope you like it. We can't be more proud of it.

Milana and Ben Rogers are in the first episode. Yeah. Along with you and a bunch of other funny people in the classroom, which we'll get to later. You gotta, you gotta check that. It starts, it's gotta start somewhere and then build to something even better than that. But if you're listening, then it's available right now, so go check it out. Yeah. And let us know what you think.

Unless you don't have a kind thought in which case I don't think I could handle that kind of. Yeah. I don't even need neutrality right now. Yeah. I can't have like that was a pretty good. I'm not, I'm sorry I said neutral. I'm not even fucking with B pluses at this point.

I really need an excellent mark. I deserve an Emmy Oscar. We were snubbed yet again for a Webby in our final season. I think we're going for, in terms of lonely and horny, we should go for a We Got. What's a We Got? That's when you get a Webby, Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony. Wow. Yeah.

Technically it's just an E Got, but I'm adding W to it because that's the only one we're actually in the running for. Right. We've been snubbed almost every single year for the Webbies. And the Tonys. Yeah. I haven't been, I mean I was nominated for Avenue Q. I co-wrote a lot of the sheet music.

Right. Right. You got, and you were best female performer. Yeah. For Miss Saigon. Little Miss Saigon. What does that one cost? How does that song go?

The heat is on in Saigon. Nice. The heat is on in Saigon. Freaking I ask. What? I don't want to know anymore man. There's still 11 minutes plus a reprise. A reprise.

Let's get a prize. What is the, and what is the prize? I'll tell you right now, it's the beginning of this episode. What is this podcast? It's an advice show. People will email us. They're conundrums. They're in sticky situations at a crossroads and they're seeking guidance from a third

party, or in our case a third and fourth party. Fortunately for you guys, we are life, I want to say coaches, mentors, genii. At this point we are genii. We've read it all, we know it all, and we can inform it all. We got it all, and we got it now. It's a commercial, right? It's like a Burger King commercial. Anyway, if you guys wanted to have it your way, that email addresses if I were you show

at gmail.com. We usually hand select some questions, but since we're hitting the road, we're sort of saving the best questions for our road shows. So we thought we should go a little random today. Oh, you know what? We can do the Game Boy, but also I think in the inbox there were a couple questions that I felt like weren't silly enough for live questions. Oh, but still good enough.

Maybe we could make it like a little real. Oh, how do I find those questions? If you go to two answer, we label everything two answer. Yeah, one answer, two answer, and three answer. So far nothing has had one or three answers. It's all two answer. Very nice. So which one of these would you say are good?

You said they're all good. They're all moved to two answer for a reason for you to consider. Okay. So let's read one out loud and say if you would have normally considered it. Okay. Give me the title. Girl sending mixed signals while dating someone else. Question mark.

Cool. I wonder why I wanted to answer this. We'll find out. Reading out loud. I must have a million questions in my inbox right now. I'm not talking about the Little Wayne record. The Little Wayne record is called a million emails in my inbox. I'm just talking that I'm the hottest female rapper for the record.

Rhyming record with record. That's fine. It's a slant rhyme. Nicki Minaj can do that. I'm not talking about a single song. That's not necessarily the line. I just, as I hear it and remember it, can you hear right now? Can you all disappear right now?

That's not even the next line at all. That's just another line from that song. Yeah. All right. Ready for this one? Sure. Nicki Minaj writes, or is this a guy? No, it's a guy.

We'll say Drake. Drake writes, hey dudes, love the show. Anyway, here's my problem. I'm 16 years old in high school and after lunch every day, I sit with a group of people in this lounging place we have at our school. I always tend to get there before everyone and this girl, we'll call her Rose, is there too. She is dating one of the people I eat lunch with, but she has been flirting with me a

lot lately and nervously glances at me from time to time. But she immediately stops when her boyfriend arrives, of course, and acts like I don't exist. I can tell when someone likes me, especially the way they look at me, and let's just say she might meet the criteria. She has sometimes even shown it by accident in front of her boyfriend, so my question is, do I confront her about this or do I let things play out and see what happens with her and her boyfriend?

She has even called me cute and often gets upset when I don't sit next to her before her boyfriend shows up. What the fuck? I'm not the biggest fan of playing games with people, so I want to be upfront and honest with her. Feel free to make fun of me in whatever wild way you come up with, but please don't forget to give me some advice so I can figure out this flirting fanatic. Tota!

Oh, and then he gave the fake name crayon noodles, which is pretty funny. Nice. Yeah. I don't think I moved this to the inbox. Oh, this was just, it found its way there either through me or happenstance. Yeah. What do you think? I guess my instinct is to not steal your friend's girlfriend, especially if you all sit at the

same lunch table. Yeah, that's a big deal. It really messes with the group dynamic. That's the lunch group dynamic. That's the most important dynamic. Doesn't this always happen in high school, and I guess life in general? The lunch group? Someone just like, in a group of people, two people are dating, and then there's sort

of chemistry between a member of that couple and somebody else, and then something bad happens and then everybody has to choose sides, and you guys are not friends anymore. It's hard because when you're a teenager, your hormones, I think are the loudest, or at the very least, the rate of change is the biggest. It goes from nothing to extremely high, so you're like, who should I fuck? Who do I want to hook up with? Who am I having masturbation dreams about? Yeah.

And then you see them and you're freaking out, and you don't know how to act because you're 16. Eight years ago, you were an eight-year-old. You don't know what the hell's going on. You have no life experience. You're just, you turn from a toddler to this teenager, this half-formed, greasy adult, and you're like, should I fuck her? Does she want to fuck me?

What does fucking even mean? Let me try kissing first. Oh my God. Now, when I touch my dick, it gets hard, and now I'm coming. What's porn? Is porn normal? Is anything normal? Am I freaking out, or are you just, are you going to sit there?

Are you flirting with me? I don't know. Yeah, wow. She definitely doesn't like you if that's you. Well, those are just millions of micro-thoughts racing through his mind. Of course. And then he's also like, hold on, I have to go to pre-algebra, or algebra two, and like find out this, that, and the other.

And then you're like, which one do I prioritize? Do I want the girls, or do I want to figure out what sine cosine tangent means? A lot of crazy things happening in your life. So one way to simplify is to not get involved with a girl who has a boyfriend. Mm. Yeah. And it feels like you don't want to do that because this girl likes you and that is usually pretty, pretty nice.

But in my experience, I've definitely not, I guess like, I've been friends with people for a really long time. Like my friends who I was friends with when I was 16, I much more value our friendship and being close with those guys than I do value like the people I hooked up with or dated when I was 16. Right. And that's really like more precious. When you, relationships in high school, sometimes, you know, they are crazy and they really work

out and you're in high school, sweetheart, and you're meant to be and all that stuff. But most of the time you have kind of meaningless, dumb relationships where you learn in high school of what you, like what you want in the future. But your friendships that you have in high school, sometimes they really last a long time. Right. And I've definitely lost touch with guys over girls that I wish I didn't. Oh, interesting.

And I don't think I've ever lost touch with a high school girlfriend that I wish I did. So you're saying prioritize friendship over relationship, the other sexual relationships. Yeah. But or at least prioritize not destroying a friendship for a hookup. It's hard because when you're 16, you don't go out and meet people like friends is everybody. It's like, if I don't hook up with a friend, I'm not fucking going out to a bowling alley and meeting somebody. But maybe there's a friend group that like you could hook up with another one of the

girls in this group or you can, at the very least just patiently wait till they break up. Twiddling your thumbs. You can even ask that girl to set you up with someone and that'll really light a fire under her butt. Oh, you say, can I tell you a secret? This is on AIM late night. So it's like very exciting and illicit.

I have, I have a crush on someone late night. Yeah. This guy doesn't even know he's 16 years old. Sorry. This is Snapchat, Snapchat, Snapchat late night. I have a crush on someone. Do you promise that to tell? She's fucking freaking out.

She's hoping to got you. He says her. And then it's not. And then you say somebody else and then she's like, I don't know why you like that girl. I don't, I don't think she's that cool. Oh, that's perfect. That ruins two friendships. Exactly.

Then we're back to even. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world wearing dope ass eye patches. And I am the king, the man with three eyes. I have two and then my little brown eye. What about your penis eye? Then I have four eyes. And you've got your third eye on your forehead that you're supposed to. So I have no eyes, one eye on my forehead, my brown eye and my penile eye.

I'm back to three eyes. Your brown eye and your penile eye. Yeah. And the land of the blind, the man with three eyes is queen. So that's our best perspective as somebody quite literally twice your age. Chill out. Fair enough. Easy for us to say.

You know how that should go. You know how that should go. You know how that should go. If this comes out on Thursday, we can still talk about our Boston show on Saturday. That's true. If you're listening to this, there, there's still time to purchase tickets to the Boston and New Haven show on Saturday and Sunday. Yeah.

Those are going to be fun shows. Boston's a Saturday night and Sunday, Alison Williams will be with us in New Haven. What's up? This one is a question about New Haven. Really? It was about the murder rate in New Haven and Berkeley. Do you remember that one? Oh, kind of.

I think I just flagged it so we could talk about the show in New Haven, which we already did. Perfect. It said that New Haven was a dangerous city, but really it depends on where you are, guys. It's very nice. Some of these. Okay. All right.

All right. This is a lady's question called swinging. Okay. Does that sound familiar? Nope. Oh, interesting. All right. Maybe it will be.

So Nicki Minaj writes. Very well. So I'll get right to it. I work at a sex club and I'm on quite a few swinging websites. I met a guy on one of the websites and we really hit it off. We started dating and we're really similar people. We both love to read, both quite liberal, blah, blah, blah. Obviously we weren't exclusive and everything was casual because we met on a swinging website.

However, he met someone else who said he had to choose and she didn't want him seeing anybody else, so he chose her. He said he really liked me, but he decided that he wasn't really comfortable with the whole swinging thing. I told him that I wouldn't mind giving up swinging and that I was sad, but I understood. But it doesn't end there. Just then a week after he dumped me, he texts me saying he made a mistake and wants to see me again.

So we'd start up again behind his girlfriend's back. At this point, I've already decided to stop swinging because I forgot how nice it was to have a boyfriend before we started hanging out. The trouble is, I know I shouldn't see him behind his girlfriend's back, but I really want to. I kind of want to sleep with him just once to remind him what he's missing, then say goodbye in hopes that he'll change his mind and choose me. Is that a terrible idea, am I a bad person?

Is there any chance at this point that he'd choose me? Love the show, and thanks so much for the advice. Sorry for the long email. Love. Nicki Minaj, that is a terrible idea. I'll tell you why, because she wants to have sex with him one more time to show him what he's missing, and he wants to have sex with her one more time to get it out of his system. So your plan will 100% backfire.

Yeah, it's like, I promise. I'm going to fuck you, and then, oh, okay, thanks. Bye. Like, wait, now you know what? You're already calling an Uber. Shit, come back. Don't you want it again? Yeah.

There's a chance that he wants it just once. Right. Which is bad anyway. Yeah. I mean, you shouldn't, even aside from the fact that, like, you shouldn't help break up this relationship. Yeah, you don't want to be the other girl. I mean, just on its face, just plan-wise, this will not work.

This is such a sticky situation. He chooses somebody else, and then he says, I regret it, but not so much that I'm going to break up with this girl. Instead, can we cheat on her together? Yeah. He doesn't regret the decision to be with that person. He just sort of is sad that he can't swing anymore. Yeah, he wants his cake and to fuck it, too.

Yep. I feel like we just flagged this thing because we thought it was about swinging the app that we like so much. Oh, yeah. PS, my high score is 61, which is pretty good. That is good. Yeah. Before they did the two points for the double jump, right?

Yeah. Now they're getting, like, exponent. Like, if it's a climbing scale, if you get two perfects in a row, it's two, then three, then four, then five. That's ridiculous. I mean, the games changed. Sorry if I consider myself a classic. I don't think there should be three points in the NBA.

You should have never updated. Why did you update? They jumped the carp. They absolutely jumped the carp. They had a perfect game going. They did. Swing is officially my space. Well, College Streamers ever kind of sue us for the little things that we've been doing

like today when we did our Facebook live stream. Oh, yeah. We did a Mickey bit. Right. I don't think they, can they sue us for that though? No. Maybe. No, they probably would just say we have to stop.

I mean, I stole, like, six Aeron chairs when I left College Streamer. They should sue me for that because that's probably close to $2,500 worth of just office merch that I pilfered from the office. I remember that. That was not okay. I put them in a box and as I was carrying them out, they, somebody asked me what was in the box and I said, it's my MacBook Air. You also posed as Ricky online and ordered a bunch of stuff.

Yeah. I also phished Barry Diller. You did. So, yeah, I was chatting with him online and I asked for his social security number and his credit card number. Right, right. And he gave it to me because I said it was an emergency. You actually have Barry Diller's Soche.

Yeah, I do have his Soche. What are you going to do with that? I don't know. I have no idea what to do. Like, what do you do when you have someone's Soche? Well, what can you do with a Soche? You could use his Soche to sort of like register to Vosch. Oh, really?

Yeah. So, I registered to Vosch with his Soche. Yeah, for Vosch. Ted Kroosch. Yeah. Who do you think Barry Diller is voting for? There's only so many billionaires in America. What, let's say there's like 80 or so.

Who do you think the majority of them are voting for? It's interesting because you would think Republicans because the Republicans sort of taxed them the least. Yeah. But also they, I feel like if you're a billionaire, you're involved in such a complex tax system and like all your money is probably offshore anyway, right, that you that you might not care. I don't know.

I guess I feel like I feel like not Bernie Sanders, not Hillary, but neither Trump. I think he's abstaining. Really? I don't think he's going to vote this election, but maybe we can find out what he's registered as. Let me look it up. He's going to vote for Hillary or Bernie, I think, because he's married to an artist and he was sort of like in the film world.

He's a little more artsy. He's a little liberal. Don't move on because I'm not. I regret asking the question to begin with, let alone how much time we've spent on it. It doesn't matter to most people. You could Google it. Who has Barry Diller voting for? I could just use his Soche.

There's a website that goes, what's your Soche and then who should you vote for? That's a good one for when we plug Squarespace. How would you spell Soche though? Soche. I was going to spell it S-O-I-C-H-J-E. That's better. That's definitely not better. All right, we're halfway done.

Take a break. Thank one more sponsor. Back after these words. Back at us again with the white band. Damn commercials. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. Better finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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Wow. For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and

when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace.

Hey, we're back. Yeah. What are we talking about? You're crying, man. Wow. Pretty fucked up break actually. We were on a break. We were on a break.

Friends, anything to talk about besides what we've already have been besides just the mere fact that lonely and horny the thing we've been promoting, promoting, promoting for the last like month or two. Yeah. And working on for the last 10 to 12 months. I guess this is an exciting aspect of the promotion because now it's just not telling you about it and telling you to pre-order it. We're telling you you can watch it.

Watch the shit. Watch that one more time in earnest. You can watch episodes one and two of Lonely and Horny right now at Vimeo.com slash Lonely and Horny. Yeah. I really like these first two episodes. My God, they're so good. Yeah.

I'm a big fan too. Not just Milana and Ben Rogers, all of our friends in the classroom, Julian Vogel killed it at Susan in episode two. She was reprising her second video since Jake and Amir auditioned. Did she play a Susan in that? You know what? Or did we ever talk about her name? I don't know if we ever talked about her name.

I actually think her name in that was Anu because we wrote the part for Anu. Oh, interesting. And then we discovered when Anu couldn't do it that Julian knew how to act too. Anu too. Julian can act too. Yeah. So please, please, please check them out. They're two episodes, very exciting.

And if you are in Boston and you're living near the Wilbur Theatre, come on by because tickets are still available for that show on Saturday. Very true. You want a Game Boy, these last questions or two because... I thought you'd never ask. Oh my God. That is right. I am the Game Boy.

He's returned. And the game has changed. How so? I now allow myself the opportunity to use two words as I search. I didn't know that that was a rule to begin with. I'm not sure it ever was, but the Game Boy dictates the rules. Because the Game Boy rules. And these are the Game Boy's rules of the game.

All right. The rules haven't changed. The rules are the same. The rules are always that the Game Boy dictates the rules. Search the first Pandora's Box. I am the Game Boy. Pandora's Box? Yeah, Pandora's Box.

I like the idea of... I want to unearth some shit, like a Pandora's Box of Problems or a House of Cards or something like that. You know? We got... Something convoluted. Three questions. Nice.

One of which is just an application to work for us so we could skip that one. Cool. Well, you know, this summer we are going to be looking for interns, so we're not going to promote that yet, but heads up. The two options are two rude dudes getting crude with food. Or I can already tell you're going to want this one. Orgasm Problems. I really do want orgasm problems.

Let's see what he's at. Let's see what this guy says. If we got time, we can answer them both. All right. Maybe we can do both. Let's start with this one and see where it leads us. Okay. This was written on March 23rd, 2015.

Oh, almost a year ago. Hey, guys. I found myself in a... Over here. I found myself in a sticky situation I hope you can help me out of. I've been dealing... I've been dating my girlfriend for almost two years now. Before we started dating, she told me that no guy was ever able to give her an orgasm

and that it was impossible for her to get one. Being quite experienced at what some would call finger banging, I knew I could find what sets her off and was feeling quite confident. Even though she told me I wasn't the first guy to tell her that. Being the boss that I am after just two months of hooking up, I had given her her first orgasm. Right? Or amazing, right? Wrong.

Now, I feel like I've opened a Pandora's box. Oh, wow. Good pun. And whenever we have sex, she always wants to orgasm. I love giving her pleasure and all, but it takes up to 45 minutes for her to come sometimes and I'm not always in the mood to flick her bean for that long. I've got shit to do, you know what I'm saying? I tried telling her that she didn't, and she said she didn't mind, but I find out that

whenever we have sex and she doesn't come, she gets mad afterwards. What should I do? Are my finger-blasting skills more of a curse than a blessing? Thanks. Love the show. This is a great question. Yeah. It's a great question.

That was from Lil Wayne. See the third guy in that song? Yes. So, this guy, some ladies are different in every way, and this lady takes a while. And he's like, I'm down to do it sometimes, but I can't do it always. It's too much. It maybe hurts his fingers or wrists. He's not always in the mode or mood.

Frankly, it sounds like he gets a little bored. And there's nothing wrong with that, but this is a very complex question. It's a sticky situation indeed. I guess I really, this is fucking hard. I don't know what to say. I want to say, how would you feel if the tables were turned? And it took you 45 minutes to get off. I think I wouldn't be mean to somebody who was too tired to do it because it takes you

so long. Right. You might feel bad. This is another aspect of this question, a little wrinkle. I think there's a chance that he might be projecting that like he didn't get her off. So now she's like, oh man, you're probably going to be upset or you're going to be moody. And maybe she's not. Maybe it's, it really is fine.

So there's that. Yeah. But what if she is mad? Do you sit her down and be like, listen, babe? Well, he already told her that he's, that he didn't think he could do it every single time. So you don't want to sit her down and be like, listen, I don't know, I've already sat you down once.

I know you said it was okay, but it's, I feel like it's not. You're mad at me. Like I feel like this guy has the leverage like she's either going to get it sometimes or not at all. Like she's got to take what she can get at this point if no one else has been able to do it. Right. I mean, I guess you also, I mean, theoretically, there should just be a balance.

It's true that it's more complicated for women to have orgasms. And I've also heard not a woman, which we should have had a girl on to answer this question. But you're not a woman, but you do crush a lot. Yeah. Y'all know, but I've heard that like sex is pleasurable for women even when they don't orgasm. Yeah. That's what I heard too.

And I'm sure it sounds like that's what women tell to console guys that can't get them off. Yeah. It sounds like something that guys want to be true. Yeah. So I'm cool to believe it. Yeah. Along the lines of like, don't worry, it doesn't matter how you perform.

I still like you anyways. Right. Like the size of your dick is... Doesn't really matter. Yeah. Just how you use it. Yeah. And other nice lies.

Oh yeah. Like even them lying about coming at all. Oh yeah. Like, oh, don't worry. I'm still enjoying getting you off. Actually, if you guys are listening to us talk and you're interested in the female orgasm, this podcast ended its run, but go back and listen to how to make me come. Yeah.

Which is just females talking about orgasms. Yeah. So they are shedding way more light on this information than two dudes ever can. All we could do is answer the question, if I were you. If you were you and you are you, what would you do if you were you? From my personal experience, I've not like had sex where I came before the girl and I felt really bad. And I said like, sorry, yeah, right to you to cut not cut this out of the podcast, actually.

What? I always fuck till they know it. And then what? And then I apologize for even saying that. But like, I, so I came and then I apologized and they said it's fine. And then I just still feel bad about myself. Sure. So that like, I just, I feel like that attitude can sort of cast a shadow over the entire

experience. So there's a chance that because you feel guilty, you think she feels worse than she does. Yeah. But that's probably still something that's worth sharing with her. Like, I can't help it. I still feel guilty when I don't get you off. So let her either say, yes, you are right to because I've been trying to make you feel

guilty or like, quell your fear even further. I think I'd probably bring it up with the caveat of being like, this might be me totally inventing something in my head, but I still feel guilty when I don't get you off. Yeah. Are you mad at me in any way when I don't? I'm sorry that it takes the time and energy of a spin class to make you fucking orgasm, but I don't have that kind of time every night, Cheryl. We're watching OJ till you fall asleep.

And then what? It's time to get Randy at one. Up at six thirty. And sure. I still expect a morning blow jade as an alarm clock. You gave me a 10 free coupons for my birthday. I've only cashed in eight and that's the rub that you if you have the expectation that you still get to have sex and get off as much as you want.

And she just is a little more inconvenient than I think that might be a little bit of a problem. It's a double it's a doubled standard. I guess the final answer is that it sounds like you guys had the discussion, but you're not quite done discussing it yet. Continue discussing. Yeah. Do you want to see what this other discourse about the inner course needs to be Morse?

Morse what? Oh, and Morse code? Yeah. She's going to be like. Correct. Got it. Should we try to answer one last Pandora's box question? I mean, I'm down, but if you want to be a Game Boy two, then I respect it as it is the

Game Boy. Yeah, maybe I'll be a Game Boy two because this might be a long question and not very good. All right. Good. I'll say, oh, I think I did this last time. So I won't do it. Did I do vitamin C?

I don't think so. I thought I remember anyway. Vitamin C, I'll search it. It's going to be a really boring question about how many oranges this guy should eat. Wait a minute. Did you do it? One of the questions is the same question from Pandora's box and I'm thinking it's probably because I skimmed it and saw the word vitamin.

So I'll choose another one. That is interesting. Loud-ass chewer. Right. That's what you searched? No, I searched vitamin C. Oh, I see. That's the name of the email.

So first started out with tangerines. I wonder how he gets there. So first started out with tangerines. We were at my house and we had the munchies and I gave him a tangerine while we were watching TV and expected him to sit quietly and enjoy those delicious vitamin C wedges. But my sweet television program was deserved with what sounded like some real hardcore dick eating. And I couldn't laugh, but it was the loudest, most terrible thing I've ever heard.

But this Black Friday we were all sitting on a hill and smoking some Murray winers and he wanted to go to McDonald's so I drove him there and he ordered two burgers fries and a McFlurry. The goddamn post-giving day feast was 30 minutes a hell. What should I do? I feel like as a good friend I should warn him that he sounds like he's choking on a dick when he's eating so his future honey's pussy won't shrivel up like a dry raisin when they hear it.

Thanks. So this is an example of the question we might not have chosen un-natural. I would have loved it. This guy is so, even though he's sort of a dumbass, it's so nice that he's like my friend chews so loud I'm worried that he won't get laid. Yeah, I'm worried about his future fricking wife. Her, I'm worried about her pussy being dry the way he chews. Dude, you're gonna be at your fucking wife's cousin Kinsignera.

You can't be fucking chewing with your mouth open like that, dude. You're gonna slice open your wedding cake and then eat a bite and you'll be like and everybody there is gonna be like, leave him. Dude, like do you even know which one is the salad fork? I feel like I have to teach you some real etiquette lessons, dude. Dude, that's crudité. You don't. My current turn tootery, dude.

You can't use the fricking butter knife to cut a steak, bro. We're from the outside in, dude. When she walks into the room, even if it's her mom, you stand up, bro. Oh, do you even know how to pair wine? That's a dessert wine. You're drinking an aperitif. You should be ordering a digestif with that, bro. Jesus, man.

You think that heavy-bodied red is gonna parallel with fish? I mean, come on, man. I feel like you've never even partaken in a waltz-to-waltz catillion. Look at my feet, dude. One, two, three. One, two, three. It's a box step. Come on, dude.

I mean, teach you how to be a fully grown man. Come on, my dude. It's like Miss Manners but a surfer, dude. Surfer, bro. Yeah. Always open the door for her. Okay, question. What if it's a revolving door?

I go in first, but there's two schools of thought. All right, here, so there's one version where you are pushing the door, but then there's the other version where she's behind you. Another thing that comes up a lot is when you open a door for an antaxi for your girl, do you slide in first or do you let her go in first? Root to make her scoot, dude. Root? It's always root to make her scoot, dude.

You gotta write a thank-you note to the father within three days of the dinner. When I'm talking about business days and I am talking about post-marked, I understand that it'll take a little while longer to get there. Oh, dude, come on. Do you not have your own stationery? What is with you, my man? Being a grown-up 101, get yourself a wax seal, make it really nice, thick stock, embossed. Every guy's gotta know how to cook one nice dinner for his gal.

And I'm not talking about scrambled eggs, dude. Oh, here, let me show you how to roast a chicken. Do you have time? Do you have basil? Do you have rosemary? Smashed potatoes, not mashed potatoes. Let's keep it crispy, dude. Thoughts on a piccata?

Do you have a meal mallet, dude? Why would you? You haven't been to the container store in ages. Where's your china, you little bitch? What is this? Fucking IKEA? You got 12 for $12? Grow up and grow a pear, dude.

After all, your glasses, you can put them in the recycling, because they're from Tarjay. Tarjay, no way. Go to Pier 1 or CB2. I don't care as long as it's 3. So it's fine that your friend chews a little loud. He's probably doing it because he's comfortable around you. That's what he eats like when he's alone. And he's stoned.

Like, you and I, we eat sandwiches over the sink around each other. I'm a cookie. I shove it into my closed mouth like cookie monster. It's not good. It smashes against your face and the crumbs go everywhere. But we should... The problem is you get into that habit, and then when you're eating around someone you do want to impress, you're still sort of doing that.

So it is important to learn good habits, dude. Try chewing with your mouth closed just to get used to it, brah. Use a fork and a knife. Have a napkin after every bite. Wipe the size of your mouth to rink after you're done swallowing, my man. Create a tight seal around the spoon. Don't just grate it with your teeth, brah. It's not a fork.

So yeah, you can just like casually make fun of your friend for the way he eats. Yeah, or a video table. You're like sitting down and be like, you know, I have to tell you something. You're just like... Dude, you chew so loudly. You chew like a camel. And then he'll make fun of you for saying something, but it'll take like a few friends to pony up before he realizes that like, oh, now six or seven people have mentioned it.

And I'm kind of pissed about it. He probably knows. I bet his whole family says that he chews really loud, but he like doesn't think his friends notice. Or care. Yeah, once they do. And then it's like, all right, I should chill. Yeah.

So why don't you have a very light, casual conversation, make fun of them the way boys do. Yeah. And he might not get the hint right away, but eventually the hints will add up. Oh man, I keep on finding little beard hairs on the mic fuzz. From your old beard. Yeah. Remnants of the beard.

A time of innocence, a time of confidences, long ago it was beard, I have a photograph. This is the closing theme song. Preserve your memory beard. It's all that left of beard. That's it. That's the end of this episode. Thanks for listening, everybody. It was a bonus Thursday, but I think a productive Thursday nonetheless.

Yeah. We'll be back on Monday. As always, we are still on tour. As always, please check out Lonely and Horny. If you have the time, if you have the dough, please let us know what you think. We're very excited about it. This is it. Our first web series since Jake and Amir, our only web series since Jake and Amir.

All we want to do is make this again. And you can help by watching it and telling of it and spreading the word. You guys carry us. The hundreds of thousands of steps of footprints in the sand is when you guys were carrying us and making us look good. So we appreciate it. We really do. The opening theme song was written by Topher.

If you have one or a question of your own, send it to me at ifirishow at gmail.com. Opening one was by Topher. This one, closing one is Aaron Kay. Aaron Kay, we'll be back on Mondays Monday. We'll be back on Monday. We'll be in Boston the day after tomorrow and even the day after that. Yeah, that's right. Unless, of course, you are listening to this in a dystopian future reality, in which case

those cities no longer exist. Yes. The shows, as well as everybody's collective memories are gone forever. We stand with Jet Hurwitz, who is being charged with future crime. And transmission. It's cool that I named my great, great, great, great god son, Jet, right? Yeah. It all works.

You don't name all future lineages. Oh, wait. I forgot. Before we go, I have to plug one last thing. I was on my mom's podcast again, The Easy Chair with Laura Hurwitz, except this time I was with Hannah Hurwitz, my older sister. We are discussing Tinder, Bumble, online dating, dating, and life in general. You can listen to me impart some wisdom.

If you go and search The Easy Chair, just go to headgum.com slash podcast. You can find it. All right. That's it. Toad off. Peace. I went down to the lake for a beer, and I thought I saw Jake and me in. I realized it wasn't Jake and me in.

It turns out it was Drake with a beer. Drake had a mistake and a deal. Before Rick, how he wanted steak with his peers. He thought the steak would help break his career. Instead, it ended up taking a year. So he thought he'd make a cake while he's here. The smell from the cake made these two mates appear. Then Drake started shaking fear.

When he realized it was Jake and me in. And that's how the story goes. The story of the If I Were You podcast show. If I Were You. If I Were You. If I Were You. If I Were You.