If I Were You - 211: Phone vs. Wallet

Episode Date: April 12, 2016

In this episode we discuss trains, shows, and highly gifted teens.This episode is brought to you by ScoreBig.com, HeadSpace, and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast she made her ex up in the Sims what else what else Ben Schwartz won't answer questions what else John Wolf destruct again what else yeah Jacob it's in a mere bloom in a blue movie not Orlando but they magic though me undies never having camel toe Ted Bundy yeah cuz I kill the flow but you already know fake names real questions confessions learned lessons unprofessional yeah but the more you know carpet DM gotta seize the cheese but I need some help with the birds and the bees bad me not bad you but you do you and this is the part why did you do and hand the mic over to these two Jews

cuz this is if I were you yeah cuz this is if I were you huh wow that was tight man that was actually really good flow I taught this guy a lot I mean his name is Matthew Matthew and you taught him you said I just taught him shit like flow and shit beats and stuff like that how do you know him oh his rap name is MCMR which I think I taught him no and then attached you'll find yep theme song oh it's a parody of low life by future in the weekend oh two other guys that are sort of under my tutelage was and then I was gonna let it I was gonna let it slide with MCMR you don't sorry future

and the weekend yeah you know that's how it goes that's me if I do this every day you think you came up with that for them I think I taught them how to do like I didn't teach them how to say the lines but I taught him to be like all right how do you do what do you do often what do you do off so it is you leading them into writing it this guy's this guy has a soundcloud soundcloud.com slash MCMR music so if you want to hear more of that tight tight flow check out MC soundcloud.com slash MCMR music very tight we this is a first for us we we thought we'd be able to use one of our live shows for today's episode silly us

we thought of the four shows that we recorded in this past week we would be able to use one of them use one for whatever reason or another not even worth getting into we those those episodes will exist as a special moment between us and the audience that day and that makes it all the more special kind of beautiful yeah into that we landed as soon as we could rushed home and now we're recording and we're just gonna upload it straight up straight up online so we've been traveling for 12 straight hours and now the ride really begins exactly right because this is it's a good recap

episode because we just experienced their shows in Washington that's true in Brooklyn in Boston in New Haven four shows four cities five nights were magic we're what's what's after hungover like if you're hung over a lot dead I guess fried oh yeah you're the more just like sizzled I feel a little empty oh I see I feel just like like you had a certain amount of joy in your body and you use so much of it over the last six days I'm spent especially because it wasn't just like your typical tour where we just party it was like party perform and also I saw my parents oh yeah it was like a homecoming show in Brooklyn we had like

all of our friends and family there our best friends are all there then in New Haven you had your literally extended family there yeah yeah and we also had Allison on the show so we had like so many different like emotional energy so much joy here there reunion joy performance joy in Brooklyn we showed the first two episodes of lonely and horny that was maybe it's really tough to think about highlights for the show that's probably up there yeah we started in DC which was one of the best show I mean they're all great so it's weird to say one of the best they're all they're all tied for the best show the DC

theater was really awesome the Howard theater was awesome the DC show had some of my favorite jokes there was that guy who brought this guy he yelled the name Chinry yeah I was curious and I asked him about the name Chinry and then he confided in us that he had made a list of six names that's right so reading all six of the names that he had written down is really fun do you remember some of the other names that he was gonna yell I think one of them was Vaj yeah the last one was Vaj yeah no the fifth one was Vaj and we're like what about the sixth one he's like well Vaj women Vaj was a woman's name oh right he wrote Vaj twice

yeah and Vaj is a guy's name was number six you really had to be there actually I still I think that's funny kind of regardless and then DC on Wednesday night was really fun randomly we thought Wednesday would be more of a chill night yeah we spent I know I spent $80 getting into a bar club that I lasted four minutes in I turned right around I spent $40 getting there yeah I wonder if we could have just asked how does the refund policy work when it's just a bar club we went straight from there to that place that did the chili hot dogs like in the cheese fries oh yeah that place was great dope that was like a perfect

like just walking out at 1 30 and seeing this like greasy ass chili cheese dog place that's a 24-hour like DC staple oh whose name I completely forget me too cuz I was trashed and I this I guess isn't even a performance thing but I will say I love traveling by train that's maybe my favorite thing about performing on the East Coast hmm that is Sella oh my god just it's just so like efficient streamlined beautiful yeah I don't know why I get carsick looking like doing working cars but on a train which is pretty like you know rocky just as a car is yeah you feel fine yeah I don't know what that is yeah train from DC to

Brooklyn and then the Brooklyn show was just crazy yeah we had that really tight Airbnb oh great great great venue great Airbnb the place was overflowing we had sold it out friends family yeah we had a guest list they were like alright 25 names we're like alright done we have it at 28 but that should be fine good to go and then by the time we got to Brooklyn we had to add like 17 more names yeah so we had a list of like 45 and they're like we have to just charge you for the extra names so we're like starting to pay for our friends to get in because I feel bad being like actually the show is sold out sorry I'm

here Cohen right it's always easy because like people when you have an infinite guest list which it sort of seems like in the beginning when you can add 25 people yeah people ask for friends of friends and you're like yeah sure they're on the list yeah and then like your best friends are the ones that don't ask they're the ones that just like come that like day of and they text you like hey I'm downstairs can I yeah or as I was walking on stage Sarah's like hey I'm gonna get there late I should have no problem of getting in right I'm like I don't I don't know I think not I hope not I think you could

text anybody else and they should be able to let you in yeah fortunately got them all in we showed that's when lonely and horny came out so nobody had seen the first episode right showing them the first two episodes I was super nervous yeah so nervous when the first one came on and then like the first joke I don't want to spoil it for anybody that hasn't bought it yet I don't know why I have it but I want to spoil it but the first joke like landed and I was like oh thank god if they like this yeah that sets the tone you can still pre-order I know sorry I should say order now pre-order is over you can still watch

lonely and horny at Vimeo.com slash lonely and horny order it you get the whole thing first two episodes online now next to on Friday the next two are also very by the way this one's the New York Times told us that it was worth streaming so I don't know if they're actually a pretty widely read publication I don't know if you guys read the Jew York Crimes but they seem to like it yeah very if you like it half as much as my parents do when we're the New York Times then you'll you've already ordered it yeah from Brooklyn we went on to Boston and we thought Brooklyn was crazy until we got to Boston yeah Boston was this sort of

a insane Bakken alien yeah Boston was a Saturday night vibe the crowd was kind of crazier drunker I think Boston in general is a drunker city yeah the fact that the show started Saturday night at 10 fed into that vibe yep so we I we usually are like drinking whiskey throughout the night this show Boston we were drinking vodka Red Bull backstage yeah and then which was a dangerous game it really was it was a really great show we did our we got to hang out on Harvard's campus yeah before the show right we went to the Harvard Lampoon and met all the fine ladies and gentlemen who work there right Harvard Lampoon

being a the cult the the the institution yeah the the literary magazine yeah and you know people like Conan have written for it yeah ran it or whatever I bet anyway so that was an exciting place to be inside of yeah you have to be invited and we got inducted we are now honorary members we were we did the abridged version of the hazing I think it was hazing yeah it's a secret thing so we can't even talk about it we were definitely locked in the bay for nine days if we threw up into a giant trash can in the middle of the room yeah we had to cry ourselves out I had to fill it up with our own tears and swim to

safety really it really was like some kind of crazy hazing ritual yeah that kind of stuff doesn't happen on the West Coast because like the hazing rituals are older than Los Angeles right so like the Harvard started before America did so their traditions and customs are several hundred years old yeah so it's I think if we went to like the University of Phoenix yeah anyone tried to haze me I would be like yeah this isn't really like I'm good it doesn't have a lot of historical merit yeah not like people that I respect as comedy idols and icons haven't also endured it so I'm not going to yeah especially because I

think University of Phoenix is like an online school so like imagine that yeah like we're just like cyber bullying yeah or and then we were invited to a party after the show which we're a little bit on the fence about because you know when you were when you're invited to a college party it sounds exciting in my brain right like oh college party that sounds pretty fun and then like as we leave and do the show there's a little bit of the self doubt wait a minute I'm 33 right and when I went to college parties and I saw 33 year old it wasn't I felt bad for him yeah why is he there and people might have felt bad for us but

we were having way too much we should say that we did go to the party oh yeah so we went to the party it was a party at a there's these are not secret details right I don't think I mean no I think that the final clubs are all like yeah that's it's part of the social network movie yeah it's basically like a co-ed fraternity society of sorts having a big themed party we are gentlemen of Harvard members of the lamp we can go to the finals clubs let us in I've never seen a college party with a legit bouncer usually it's like another 21 year old and yeah I think like as soon as I walked in for the rest of the night

I had a bottle of champagne in my hand right dancing on tables it was a stinky sweaty David Marty oh by the way Dave surprised everyone in Boston and performed with us yeah he came out for a couple questions the milkman himself which is really great and then he came with us to this party right it's like the just like all of the craziest shit in the world there was these two giant ice luchas one was shaped like a naked body of a woman yeah the other one was shaped like a giant dick sure so you had to like you know perform oral sex to get your vodka right anyway so we did that and then upstairs there was just this

like huge you know amazing dining room table or something and a DJ and just hundreds of kids dancing sweating the theme of the party is euro trash yeah dressed up in these crazy costumes uh-huh was it illegal what was that was it illegal that we were there maybe I was so I was I was dancing with somebody uh-huh and in front of me just like the most insane shit is happening just like you know people making out people grinding on the dance floor people jumping around and I'm like this is crazy and then the girl says to me your friends are getting really lit and I turned around and Dave and Marty are both shirtless it was

really hot Dave is like sitting on the table and Marty is over him standing on the table pretending to I guess skull fuck turn down for what so as crazy as everything that was happening in front of me behind look they are yeah they're taking it too far which is hard to do is summon ten years older than everyone there yeah so that was a fun little exciting night and then after that imagine that after everything we've talked about and discussed the chili cheese fries the live shows the nights out the the party at Harvard we get on a train again yeah and we're off to New Haven and we go and get picked up by my

mother that's right your mommy picks us up your daddy gives us sandwiches we walk around Yale for a nice little Sunday Sunday's stroll and we get to perform yeah one more time yet again that night just a wave in New Haven the homecoming show for the boy we had for Allison Williams it was a homecoming show too right so your family was there Allison was there new friends old friends carrying us through one last night yeah that was the night where I only had two whiskies smart at that point like it doesn't it evaporates before it hits your stomach oh yeah I honestly don't even I probably could have had like ten whiskies

it has been fine even keel this is when we have to like start eating like reintroducing green things to our diet again slowly like one was last time you had like I guess anything that isn't I don't think I've eaten a food that wasn't yellow or brown in the last seven days on the sandwich that my dad made oh yeah a buttery fatty vegetables or yeah but I haven't had like a salad or a fruit yeah no it's it's all been it's been bananas bagels and french fries for about six days straight yeah good pizza I mean it's yeah it's been cheat week dude I'm very excited to just have a smoothie and some salad but like after like for

lunch like this still counts as the cheat week of course oh yeah yeah because it's still it's not a Sunday for us but it feels like it's gonna have a disgusting dinner yeah because this is like our last send-off I think I'm gonna burrito oh that's good so like a thing oh yeah oh yeah look at my stomach looks like Dave's done didn't you say Dave neg do you after the show oh yeah Dave we had like such a fun night such a fun this is also before we went to the party and I was kind of miserable at the first bar that we went to because you were just joking for the party yeah well cuz I wanted to go to the party I was like

what is this what are we doing why are we not at the party I don't like this this is not the party we should go to the party and Marty's promising me we're gonna go to the party yeah I could see that slipping away yeah I could see us not like sand through your fingernails this party because I'm we're leaving a half an hour we're gonna leave in half an hour then half an hour comes up it's like you really want to leave yeah it's already one 30 sure I'm so I was I was feeding for this party anyway so Marty and like so Dave you're anxious yeah I'm anxious but Dave and I we had had such a fun night we performed together and

Dave says it's good he's like you're kind of a loser aren't you like I want to do this stop no you're you're you're a bit of a loser don't you think what did that happen like when did you become a loser you used to be so cool don't you remember Dave loves trying to figure out what the small voice of self-doubt is going on in your brain and putting a megaphone up to his own asshole and farting it so loudly that you can only hear that self-doubt and like to bring it as something like that's not even like you're a loser like then I could say you're a loser back yeah but to say you're a bit of a loser don't you think

that was sort of everybody sort of thinks that no I have to answer that question and I can't say no I'm not a loser so yeah I guess I'm a little bit of a loser you don't have any fun do you Jake and then he's he notices the rip in the fabric and that's all he needs he needs that small tear before he can rip the whole thing over he's a needle man he's Dave Needleman so that was our week yeah and and then I think oh I we also forgot just because we're talking about Dave as the guest Ben as the guest in Brooklyn yeah Ben came out and surprised everyone and surprised everybody and that was I think the

loudest we've heard a crowd for real and Allison like absolutely destroyed New Haven she gave us that shot the the first thing I forgot about that so I did drink a lot in New Haven the very first thing Allison did when she came out on stage was give us something called the last shot yeah I didn't realize that where we were performing was such a Yale staple more than just like a New Haven staple oh yeah it's like what I mean it's on Yale's campus oh is it yeah basically everything in well actually that's not true New Haven's pretty big but where we were is is Yale's campus across from Toads is Yelp dorms I

think right and I just imagine a place that has the stickiest grounds ever like just 30 years of sloppiness occurred there yeah yeah yeah I have been kicked out of Toads I it definitely once and maybe twice imagine the job of being a bouncer at a college bar you have to like either love that shit I think like a Dave type person where he like gets off to like telling little kids what to do yeah yeah like when it's time for to kick them out I think it's really fun but you have to kick out so many people every week every day isn't it twice a week that they have parties there one they have shows I think almost every

night they have their specific parties on like Wednesday and Saturday and then what was the band that you said you saw there was a sublime cover band line cover band bad fish yeah that was when I got kicked out actually for what I'm just being too to you I was with my friend who was throwing up in the bathroom yeah and well I guess you're not allowed to you're not really you're probably allowed to do that but like also if they see that you're too drunk and you're like not 21 yeah like a lot of tolerance for that's the two strikes too drunk and not 21 yeah fortunately nobody puked I think at our show yeah I would

be surprised to find out if somebody did all right that's the that's the week long recap but what is this podcast in general let's talk about the flight would you watch oh great question I was a binging I really was binge you were binge eating on the flight I was binge eating two sleeves of Pringles six tennis ball canisters of Pringles and then I said I'll have the rest of the peanuts whatever went on just put them into little plastic cups and start feeding them to me it was economy comfort indeed and we were very comfortable I assure you it was quite economic so this what you're listening

to right now is from being a recap it's an advice podcast that's right it's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Jake and I we are getting real emails from real people trying to preserve their anonymity so we're gonna give them fake names we went through a lot of questions this week but there were some questions that we figured would be better for an intimate setting not quite a live show there's a subtle difference yes questions have to be a bit sillier bigger broader for the live audience but here we can talk about real shit finally so how about this for real shit

guys name let's try to use guys who were part of our tour okay okay so first guy's name that I can think of sure is oh what's Charlie one of our contacts at one of the venues oh that was great yeah Charlie yeah Charlie helped us get in and load mm-hmm so Charlie writes I'm a 16 year old from Canada and here's my problem ever since elementary school I was branded a gifted child and I've been enrolled in higher level classes because of it my verbal production is in the 99.7 percentile which leaves me unable to relate to my peers the level of discourse in a typical high school conversation is so low that I pretend to

be engaged and find stuff funny etc in order to fit in I seem to be in between the nerds and the normal people with my interests for example I enjoy competitive sports but I don't like pop culture video games and I am in disinterested with high school drama this means that I have the little in common with the elite students how far should I go to mask my personality and change who I am in order to be accepted is it okay to maintain this false pretense of being normal in order to get pussy from time to time thanks love Charlie okay so this guy from Mensa wants to know if he's allowed to play an average Joe every time he

wants to finger bang somebody yeah I don't think he can say percentile and pussy in the same question right you have to choose one or the other one you don't get the other are you a guy in the 99.7 percentile in verbal production you know we have to do we have to we have to nag him and beat his intellect down until he feels because this guy's been told he's highly gifted his whole life right and it went to his head yeah let's just let's just tell you you're maybe gifted yeah I wouldn't say highly dude yeah you're what 16 and you're saying shit like actually this is really well written yeah yeah actually good

vocabulary I'd bump it up to the 99.8 percent I wouldn't let him finger me really yeah whether you master's personality or not I guess there's a certain point where his intelligence is going to be a help not a hindrance and I think there's a chance that it's during high school it could be now that what I mean people don't know they start liking nerds people like people who are smart all the time you have to be dumb in other ways to be a huge loser in high school so the idea that like nerds are smart and uncool is that sort of fake is it like if you're attractive you're cool whether you're smart or not there are

plenty of popular kids at my school who are like really good at football and really smart yeah and they like did class government type shit right so you could be a person like that but then also but then I think nerds are like I don't get girls because I'm so smart like no you don't get girls because you are are skinny and you dress bad yeah you're just blaming your intelligence but you're smart enough to know that that's not actually true your brain is good but your looks are bad yeah you don't think that if you were dumber it would be better if anything that's the only thing you can hang your hat on right now yeah

soak it in embrace it and the future is brighter but there's two kinds of smarts as all as everybody knows there's like street smart somebody who's cool somebody who's like not always overthinking things you're just like a chill dude right and then there's people that that's just your attitude though that's I think you have to be like it's some social intelligence we're like you know where there's a group of four and somebody's acting weird and three people know and one person doesn't yeah so like it's it's about not being that one guy right like I there was I won't say names names where there's a part this

weekend where somebody was acting a little weird and I was just like so noticeable except for that weird person what was it was it me yeah it was actually me when was it I'll tell you during the break oh I know what you're talking about cool never mind but it just it's it's just about little things like that like and it doesn't have to do with liking pop culture video games or high school drama I don't like video games and I mean I love high school drama sure still and I was invited to a fucking college party dude so high school drama is kind of my favorite I really like high school drama and high school

musical and high school that musical so what should he do should he change mask my personality I don't think you can do that I really don't think you can mask your personality right you can actively become a better person but if you're but he's not a bad person because he's not smart I guess maybe the problem to me is that like it it sounds like he's being a little elitist where he's like I don't find any of the same things interesting or cool as my other friends I wasn't terribly smart in high school but I also didn't like drama right I mean the theater geeks were such nerds right yeah what he means well the

problem is like the drama club yeah that's right all right good there's there's things other than intelligence that you can find in people so like if you're so smart dude why don't you realize that you don't have to be smart to be like considered cool you can get along with somebody who does love pop culture does love video games is interested in high school drama everybody regardless of how smart you are there's always something that that person knows more than you about right also I think a lot of people really dislike high school or don't really know how to handle high school right and I

think that's not because everybody at your high school likes all the same things I think people like many varied things so just find something that you really truly like and then you find the people who like the same thing right everybody in high school thinks that they're everybody's the same except for them but everybody thinks that and everybody is that everybody's their own actual unique individual person it's just about finding people who are the most like-minded aren't there other higher level I mean you're in a higher level class what about the other kids in that higher level class the kids that I hung

out with in high school were like the other like quote-unquote higher level class people like I hung out with the kids in like my AP classes because I wasn't cool enough to hang out with the kids who weren't in AP classes and that was my little niche that was my bubble those are my buddies those are my friends yeah you could be friends with the other smart people and then I guess it doesn't help that he like really wants pussy but smart people hook up with each other too it's a little weird that he said maintain a false pretense in order to get pussy from time to time yeah it's almost like he duped us the

entire email of like oh this guy's actually pretty intelligent like can I trick me see we all do want the same things you're concerned you're concerned you're concerned how do I lie to get pussy yeah blah blah blah blah blah and then the the question that everybody asked that this guy actually wrote down is is it okay to maintain a false pretense of being normal in order to get pussy that's the question on everybody's mind and I don't know what the answer is but I will at least tell you that other guys in your high school also want pussy so you can bond with anybody in high school over that yeah

bond over the P bond over your shared desire for pussy and the fact that you're not getting any that's what high school is yeah there's not a lot of 16 year olds hooking up are there I honestly who knows what the kids are doing these days when I was in high school it seemed like people didn't it wasn't happening a ton yeah and we're talking about kids with my friends it wasn't happening at all we're talking about kids that were born in the year 2000 so we are we I suddenly I feel like the college party is for me like those were my people's those people were born in 1997 like those are my homies

these these millennials I don't know I can't keep track of them yeah they're wily all right let's take a break and come back answer maybe a few more questions and then we gotta upload this shit dude it's almost we're almost out out of Monday yeah shit let's do it we'll be back this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better

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design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift

this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace hey you were back this is the first podcast episode we've released since Lonely and Horny came out yes so we can officially thank people not only for

watching it but for giving us their their their I want to say mostly praise we've heard nothing but thoughtful comments from everybody and fortunately from us you guys seem to be digging it so far thank you very very much for your support your positivity we're all up on the subreddit people are already using inside jokes from episodes one and two I'm the only one that I am at first I was a little scared to release two a week instead of like the whole damn thing at the same damn time right but now I kind of like it like now people are getting used to episodes one and two and then on Friday episodes three and four

are gonna seem like fresh and new and exciting yeah I'm excited for three and four to come out I'm excited for like every every couple is like a kind of a nice little like duo yeah and man it's so fun to see the subreddit come alive again yeah new content new video content yeah it's it's fucking great and not only over how much you guys like the jokes or whatever but we have to thank Bobby our DP for making it look so beautiful because that's one of the main complements we've gotten is how true this looks like a real TV show this looks like a real movie yeah and it's because we used all the same equipment

facilities and what pre-production post-production as a movie would but the other thing all we had that was the same as a real production I think is the lenses right so it goes a lot to the credit of the producers Jillian Jaskin Alex Kerna the brevity whip crew yeah and Bobby's whole team I don't know everybody just like took this small budget that we had made everything look really good yeah you don't need $21 million you just need $15 million to make something like lonely and horny I wish so thanks everybody who's checked it out so far lonely and horny comm or vimeo comm slash lonely and horny orders

are still rolling in we appreciate it you're not too late you're only too late for the 15% off but you know what that's just a couple bucks I'll Venmo you to 50 what costs $15 that seems sort of insignificant in the grand scheme of things yeah when you look at it yeah cuz I a lot of people are like it's 1499 that's like that's a big pill to swallow and then we can be like it's not that much that's the price of a large pizza oh that's good but the pizza will fill me up lonely and horny leaves me empty and wanting more food well actually it will fill your heart with love oh and it will fill your life with joy fuck it

will give you a pizza instead laughter and I'll have pepperoni mushroom and sausage on my lonely and horny video order thank you could get a pizza and watch lonely and horny that'd be kind of a fun activity yeah oh that's like a good rainy day activity send us a selfie of watching lonely and horny I'm getting lots of snaps getting lots of tweets getting lots of faces yeah people are digging it so far I'm trying to open every single snap I get so people it's all to me it's always like favoriting a tweet it's acknowledging it's like I saw this and I read it and I appreciate you yeah and if you have seen it and you

you want to let us know what you think we are all up on Twitter and Snapchat and Facebook so let us know thanks so much should we try to answer a few more questions before we have to go yeah how long we've been doing this 35 40 minutes at this point yeah all right here's one that doesn't have quite have to do with love but is from a lady okay how about Mitzi Mitzi Mitzi was our girl in Washington DC she showed us around she showed us the ropes hookup she she works with head gum our podcast network and it was great to finally meet her Mitzi right see I was in the bathroom listening to music on my phone and I

accidentally knocked it into the toilet I immediately fished it out and it is now in a bag of rice and I'm praying that it will be magically okay soon it's an iPhone 4 that I bought secondhand for $70 a few months ago really my question is what do I do if it doesn't survive I have the money for a new phone but I really don't want to spend it seeing as I'm working a minimum wage job to save up for university I'm in my last year of high school but now that I have had an iPhone there's no going back to a grotty Android yuck and I need a phone for obvious reasons I'm in a panic and I can't think straight help PS please come

to New Zealand I would love to go to New Zealand yeah that'd be really fun actually yeah done if we go back we're talking about going back to Australia yeah we gotta go back there's summer our winter yeah and with when we do that I say we make a push to go to New Zealand smart anyway you had an iPhone for yeah honey you didn't have a nice you did yourself a favor sweetheart I flush all of my anything less than a five s e is going down the toilet yeah and that's on purpose because I am wiping my ass with old phones right and I actually have a very bad plumbing problem yep I actually shit androids really I have a

very bad gastrointestinal problem I see that yeah there's a galaxy note s4 coming out of your hole very ill yeah eat a phone and they digest they break down that's how they come out of your but hole so you're not shoving it up there and spitting it out nope I don't want to go home and then I shit it out hole often hole often hole sometimes not of your hole yep and my thankfully my anus is shaped like a it's a slot large coin slot it's a large slot right I was gonna say it's like you look like a you look like an upside-down piggy bank oh my god you are giving birth to a oh it's a galaxy it's a note it's a full tablet

oh here comes the stylus oh sorry about that one and I'm sorry about your phone yeah have you ever dropped a phone in toilet never dropped a phone in the toilet dropped a phone twice on the pavement and how to shatter ever have a get it wet and do the rice thing I it's the most commonly known trick I feel like everyone knows about the rice actually we made a rice joke in the lonely and horny that's right in the cold open I got my phone in the pool and what's the theory there that the rice absorbs the moisture I yeah the more great mythbusters to see if that's actually a thing when I was dealing

weed in high school ice dude yeah it's pretty cool sometimes yeah it would I would get it would be super super dry like a dank sticky or not not like it would be like arid like a tumbleweed oh like a like yeah nobody wants weed that is like tobacco they're like there it kind of feels like what the fuck you giving me yeah so there are these tricks and we I would put in an orange peel into the bag okay and leave it for an hour and then when when I came back it may be overnight but anyway the orange peel the rind was just like super dry and the weed was wet oh so it almost like moistened the other leaves I mean

what do you do when you cook rice maybe it's not true I guess but like yeah you put a little orange peel in it well instead of put water in there and then the rice absorbs the water you're right so you surround the the watery phone with rice and the rice absorbs the water from the phone yeah and then the phone becomes super dry you put it in the bag with a little bit of appeal suddenly gets a little wet and citrusy and then you can sell that to the kids that live down the street for fifteen twenty dollars a gram I love that and if the average phone weighs what six six fluid ounces I mean yeah so let's see here

there's no going back to a grotty Android that's seems like a bad a lot of people like and for me I guess I understand what you're saying because there's to me there's no going back to a grotty iPhone 4 yeah so grotty what if it doesn't survive I think a phone is the one thing you need more than anything else I was asking someone the other day would you rather lose your phone or your wallet what do you think what would you say to that I guess your wallet which has cash credit cards your license basically everything that's not your phone I think I might rather lose my phone actually see I said wallet because

your wallet everything is annoying to replace but replaceable your so is your phone no because your phone has like information on it that seems very like compromisable and it also I don't know what the fuck I have on the cloud so I don't know like what my photos they can erase I mean they can restore your phone even while you don't have it but I'm not on the cloud so there's a lot of shit on here that's just gone when I lose my phone photos for example yeah a lot of photos and then like re-downloading everything and resetting everything up seems more painful to me than just being like hey American Express send me a new

card right but I guess I have a lot of cards that I'd have to track down I'd have to get I would rather do everything this is such a boring discussion for us to be having but I guess maybe it's kind of interesting I would rather do everything digitally than like email my my health insurance and have them send me a new like and just wait for mail to come getting mail is very nobody wants mail just like waiting for letters and packages and then like opening the cards putting it back in I would rather also the price of a wallet is less than the price of a phone just think about it as pure monetary thing I thought you're

saying I guess out of can I'm thinking pure convenience right well it's convenience of cash and also time and effort I think replacing a wallet is easier and less costly than replacing a phone well I guess that much is obvious what a phone cost six hundred dollars but who knows how much cards cash the actual wallet itself how much do you think like how much cash you carry six hundred dollars I think if it's if it's monetarily the exact same which is what I was okay then I would rather lose my wallet but if it's yeah if it's just my current wallet or throw a phone that's right I'm talking about your two things

that are currently in your pockets right now you have to throw one of them into a shredder which one do you get rid of oh my wallet it's way less expensive but what about replacing everything it'd be annoying but it would save me four hundred dollars that's what I'm saying I'd rather lose my wallet than my phone oh wait I don't understand you'd rather lose your phone what I'm saying I I feel like you didn't give me the entire scope of the scenario all right you know in reality as you know it today I thought we were doing it in a vacuum like what's you to me you made it seem like it was it was like which one's more convenient to

lose okay not like which one is more like yeah which was more expensive not expensive you're holding two things right your phone in your wallet right you gotta throw one of them into the Grand Canyon never see it again yes which one would you do and I have to deal with the very real consequences of keeping in mind this isn't a vacuum we're an entire I would rather get lose my wallet with all the contents inside of it yes yes I don't have any cash I mean we're this is like the this I feel like the scenario you turned it into has nothing turned it into I was asking you that the whole time but now you're asking me a question of

which is more expensive no no I'm not it's not a convenience question because I'm not doing either this out of convenience I'm doing it solely to save money you're not doing it anything at all just a hypothetical question I thought we're gonna get rid of my phone I'm about to dump it into a fucking pool for Christ's sake so what should this lady in New Zealand do her question is what do I do if it doesn't survive I really think you figure out a way to scrounge up the money and get yourself a new phone $70 US yeah that's not an insane amount you know Jeff had a good idea for getting a free old phone on

Twinnovation oh I'm signing up for Uber Eats yeah maybe there's maybe there's if there's Uber Eats in your or Uber in general any ride-sharing program if that exists in New Zealand they'll give you a free phone yeah that's yours to have and do you have to drive yeah sure legally technically right I think the the jury's still out on if Jeff's gonna be in trouble yeah so maybe this is bad advice but at the same time it is advice there's ways to get phones that's true yeah you got your slick person you could hustle I know it yeah come on Mitzi the the real the truest answer is that you you're very upset you need the phone you

have to find a way to get the phone back and you need that phone you better hope to God and let us know because this email was sent two days ago yeah so please do let us know if that if the rice trick worked keep it in the rice for as long as it takes and if your phone's feeling a little dry do that orange peel trick to and it's just a cute little wave making your device smell like a nice little citrus yeah if you over dry it vitamin C for you and your phone all right now we're out of time now we got to post this shit let's get this shit online thank you all very much for your patience thanks for coming

out to the shows if you did big shout to Ben Dave Allison and to the cities of DC Brooklyn Boston and pistol waving New Haven the 203z let's go my alma mater of Yale University we are the Yale Bulldogs hi ho through and through a gentleman always says hello to you and use and yours and yours and hers and hers and his the opening theme song was written by MCMR remember that rapster yeah and then the closing one is written by Caleb if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions your own anything's send it on over to ifirishow at gmail.com and again thank you to everybody that's watched our new web

series lonely and horny we we did this for you guys so we're glad you're enjoying it so far yeah yeah yeah new episodes coming out on Friday all right good night goodbye peace you listen to the advice they give to you sit back to tell you what they would do probably shouldn't just be giving this away then again you can't trust everything they say

oh if I were you so what would I do oh tell me what you know if I were you so what would you do oh tell me what you know if I were you so what should I do oh tell me what you know if I were you so what should I do oh tell me what you know

if I were you so what should I do oh tell me what you know if I were you so what should I do oh tell me what you know