If I Were You - 213: Lactose Intolerant

Episode Date: April 25, 2016

In this episode we discuss perfect endings, new beginnings, and the loneliest places on earth.This episode is brought to you by HeadSpace, ScoreBig, and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Let's listen to the track at the beer, giving the vibes that it's going people's life. And if I were you, the show. Oh. Short and very sweet. That's what all theme songs should be. When did it devolve into like,

let me fucking brag about how I can like jam out for a minute and a half. People are putting in a lot of thought and effort. Overly, overly much. Too much effort, too much thought. It's actually the thought that doesn't count. It should be amazing and it shouldn't take you more than one go of it. How long do you think that was? 14 seconds.

Almost nailed it. 14. It was written by, but there was like a half a second on either side of like dead air. So like 14 asterisk is what the correct answer is, which I got. Oh, right. It was written by Alia. So thank you, Alia. Alia's been dead for, are you, you sick fuck.

Oh, it's a different, this lady spells her name differently. Also, even if it was spelled the same, you can have two people name the same thing. Like you're not the only chick. Tell me that somebody. Yeah, definitely. On the man on the big P. Yeah. Yeah. What about Malia Obama?

Is that also a different person? Oh, yeah. Cause she's alive and she's the president's daughter. What are the odds that Sasha or Malia listened to the podcast? Zero. No, it can't be zero. It's got to be higher than zero. I guess they're in our target age range, but they didn't come to the DC show cause I would have noticed this.

I saw like some like fucking funny business going on at the DC show. I swear dude, like I really thought Leo was there. I feel like POTUS might have been there with Malia. Yeah. Or DOTUS. DOTUS. Daughter of the United States. Right.

I think VOPOTUS, the vice president of the United States, VOPOTUS brought Malia. What about VOPOTUS's daughter? Huh? The diva POTUS, the daughter of the vice president of the United States? She's friends with Sasha and they all came to the show. The diva POTUS and DIPOTUS might have been at our show. I'm not sure that Biden has a daughter. Maybe a daughter in law.

I thought he had all boys. Oh yeah. So it'd be a DILPOTUS, the daughter and DILVAPOTUS. Okay. Daughter in law of the vice president of the United States. If you are Sasha or Malia Obama and you listen to the podcast. Wait, everyone else, you can just tune out. Yeah.

So this next couple, let's say minute is just for Sasha and Malia. Oh, okay. So everyone else can do like the skip ahead thing. Yeah. Starting now. Press the 15th second. Hi. It's Uncle Amir.

What a fricking honor. It's Uncle Amir and Auntie Jake. What's an Auntie Amir? Yeah. It's Uncle Jake and Auntie Amir. Do you guys like comedy? Oh shit, there's a fucking secret service at my house, dude. Put your dad on.

I want to talk to Barry Oh. Don't sleep on Barry Oh. All right. We're back and hello everybody that just returned. This is an advice podcast. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

This is episode 213. Each one has been better than the last. Welcome to the final stage of this amazing journey. Rock solid, gold plated, diamond encrusted episode of If I Were You. Here it goes. We're starting now. One more time for Malia Obama. Actually Malia doesn't listen to our podcast,

but she's a huge Height and Mighty fan. Really? Yeah. Yeah, she was into Gino from Long Island. She crossed over. She came from comedy bang bang. That's right. And then Sasha, if you can believe it.

Actually Sasha being like a Gilmore guys fan seems very possible. Yeah. I think Sasha guessed it on Out on the Lanai actually. Really? Yeah. So Sasha Obama was a guest on episode four of Out on the Lanai. Yeah. And the barely friending podcast too.

Imagine Malia. Is Malia the 17 or 18 year old? I think so. So Malia, imagine whichever daughter is a high school senior applying for college. What she could do with the application and still get in. She could wipe her ass with it and send it to Harvard and just write Harvard on the envelope and just say, yeah, that's my ass thing. Did I get into Harvard?

I think I got into Harvard, didn't I? Yes, you did. Yes, I did get into Harvard. Just promise when you get into Harvard. Do you let in a shit stain, Harvard? I'm going to Cornell, Harvard. I'm actually not going to Cornell actually. I'm going to Cornell, Harvard.

Hey, Harvard, yeah, it's me. The first thing you let in with a shit stain instead of the SAT score. We meant to reject you. Bullshit. Now do you want to come? I'll come for a quarter. Will you let me in for a quarter knowing full well that I'll leave? Of course you will.

It's a photo op. It's a business. It's a cash grab. All right. We need to answer emails, answer questions. People emailed us. We thought it would be fun if we did another one of those editions of The Game Boy. The Game Boy.

The Game Boy returns. For those of you who are unsure and that's totally fair because I'm only at like about 70% positive what it is. I am the Game Boy. Sometimes we comb, comb, comb and try to find the best messages and sometimes Jake is some sort of pansexual robot man. Oh, no, that's my Leslie character. No, Leslie is a Galian.

Oh, Leslie is a Galian. She or he or him or they, which is actually the correct way to say it now, according to a New York Times article I read. Anyway, my Snapchat filter is gone. I don't know what to do. Leslie is gone forever. Leslie is dead for now. I think they cycle through them.

I look every day. Can you do the voice without the filter? I guess I could because it was almost a Uber driver. Oh, you know what? I think you downloaded them. We'll put them up on our Facebook page. That'd be nice. So we can revisit the Uber driver.

So sometimes we look through questions, try to find the best ones and sometimes we just, because we have 15,000 unread emails and it's just too many. So we just do a Google search, a Gmail search for certain words, terms that we'd like to answer questions about. Read them for the first time on the show and offer advice. I have a couple words in my head right now. Really? You know what?

I've got a two-word. A two-worder. Two-worder. That's cool. Because it's sort of like, I think it might be hyphenated, but it conveys one thing. Okay. Lactose intolerant. Oh yeah, I'll say that's two.

Okay. I guess you could probably just do intolerant. No, I would say lactose is like the big one because you can be intolerant of like races. But once you're, who talks about lactose when it's not intolerant? I guess like intolerant, I feel like would yield the funnier question. Oh, that's true. Because whoever, who talks like that? I'm actually lactose intolerant of Hispanic people.

What do you think of lactose tolerant for like a Tinder bio? Oh, like you- Like I can handle milk. That's nice. That's funny, right? I like that. So, one second. Okay.

Are you looking up lactose intolerant or lactose or tolerant? Lactose intolerant. Okay. There's some. All right. There's two. Okay. That is not a win.

Everybody, everyone keeping score. The game boy, the idea is to get it to one question. Yeah. The game boy has failed. So, do you want the question from person A or person B? Uh, G is person B. Hey guys, love the show, but let's cut to the chase. I recently found out I was lactose intolerant.

I heard it's not that bad, but I'm 15 and have my whole life ahead of me. I'm afraid I'll have trouble picking up chicks because they would feel as if this is an undesirable trait in a man. All I get is gas and pains in my stomach. I take pills for it, but I feel girls would stray away from a guy with that. Am I overreacting because I literally can't seize the cheese or will I be fine? Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. All right. Yeah.

An undesirable trait. We didn't give this guy a name. I marked, let's call him, what's something that's going on in our lives right now? Um, Passover. Okay. Passover just ended. We're still in the middle of it. Moses.

Moses. Is he involved in Passover? He's very involved. He's the guy. Yeah. He's, well, God's the guy or girl. Absolutely. Or them, actually, according to a New York Times article I wrote.

God really, really started Passover. Yeah. What did you say? Moses was sort of his vessel. Okay. So Moses writes. Pharaoh was the candidate. All right.

Let's focus on the question. All right. Let my people grow. Nice. Uh, it's, it's, it's so funny to like, to brand being lactose intolerant is like a weak trait. Yeah. That you shouldn't. I am, it's like, it's part of a caste system.

Uh, I think it's fine. No big deal. Cause how often are you like out trying to get pussy? And then you also have to drink a glass of milk. Yeah. You, you rarely eat in front of a woman, let alone cheese based. I would never, ever, ever eat in front of somebody I was trying to have sex with. Right.

Just out the window. It would not happen. Uh, but here's what I think this guy could do is he could make it into more of a lifestyle choice. Like I'm a vegan, not like I can't handle milk or my body rejects it and I get gassy because that's not sexy. Right. But it was a little sexy as like I actually care about animals too much.

I mean, I'm down to eat meat sometimes. I just don't, it's the dairy products that really is the farm system. I mean, it is a full on lie. At home he can be eating turkey sandwiches all day, just all the live long day. He can be in a bathtub filled with cottage cheese farting and eating his way out. It doesn't matter. But when you are out and when people say, let's get a sandwich and like, um, how about a grilled cheese?

You say, I'm actually a vegan. And that's actually very offensive. Do you know where they get that? Shame on you. Yeah. Slut shame on you. Oh, you're slut shaming. I'm mansplaining.

And slut shaming, cheese, grating, everything. So I think you own it to the point where you reject, milk doesn't reject you. You reject milk. Actually, I'm not lactose intolerant. Cheese is Moses intolerant. So it's anti-Semitic. Yes. I'm on the side of Ramses.

Yeah. And then you say, do you really, do you know where, how they get the cheese? Do you know how they get the milk? Do you like know, do you get like, what happened? Do you know where they put those steers? They beat cows to death until the milk comes out of their faces, their bodies. And then the, the curdling process is another cow working overtime, just churning away. And for what?

For a lamb? One of those like PSA, PETA videos where it's like, you know, how they mistreat chickens and cows, but make it like really, really weird and sadistic. Yeah. Or just plain out wrong. Like the chickens are the ones working in the factory. Underage chickens are like paid nothing to like. To bag, to bag chicken wings.

For what? For chicken in a foreman hat. Sir, sir, how much do you get paid? A cow with a whip. So don't eat cheese next to anybody. If it comes up, you're vegan. You're not lactose intolerant. Yeah.

If somebody challenges you to a cheese farting contest, say, that's such a weird idea. Why would you even suggest that? But I, but then you can destroy them. And then when somebody asks you why you're a vegan, because that'll come up. When you're a vegan, people say, why? And you say, why aren't you? Yeah. Why aren't you?

The onus isn't on me. We should all be vegans. You, when they say, why are you a vegan? You pull up a little chickadee. Oh. It's just in your, in your palm. And you say, would every time you eat meat, you're doing this. Oh.

It was like, even so, you kept that in your pocket. Oh, it looked really uncomfortable there. Look, you chipped its beak off when you took it out. You were sitting down for a long time. It must have been really crunched up. Your genes are very tight. Yeah. Well, you do that every time.

Every time you eat a burger. I'm also a vegetarian. So you just eat the cheese. I'm lactose intolerant. I really am. Aren't you lactose intolerant? No. All right.

Moving on. Moving on. Let me guess something. Daylight savings time. Very interesting. I wonder what type of question this will yield. Looks like we only got, oh, no, it's a spam. Wow.

Nothing? Nothing. No real question. You lose. What? You lose. You're on the knife, Game Boy. Game Boy, that's quite enough.

Game Boy, you're scaring me. Game Boy, no. I am the Game Boy. Covered in your blood. He lost the game. Why are you arresting me? He lost the game. I'm acquitted.

I was programmed to kill. We find the Game Boy innocent. Why? Because he was programmed. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Should I search again? Yeah. Green tea.

Because that's what you're drinking right now? Yeah. Oh. It looks like it's all spam except for one. All right. You have one. But I don't know if it's green tea in a row or if the words green and tea are in it.

I'll take it. I'll take it. Here. This is, let's say, a female. So it's a female in the Passover story. Of course. Of course. Moses' wife.

Yep. Rebecca. Is that his wife? I actually don't know. All right. Moses' wife. I don't think it is. Is it Leia?

Moses' wife. Did he not have a wife? He totally had a wife. Zipporah. Zipporah. Dude, she was actually pretty fucking busted. Oh, come on. I'm serious, dude.

Moses could have done better. Wait, Zipporah? Zipporah? Zipporah? Zipporah? Are you looking at from the Ten Commandments? No, I'm just looking at a painting. Oh.

Oh, she was Ethiopian. Yeah, he found her in the desert when he left Egypt. We don't know enough about this stuff to talk about it, I fear. I actually have seen the Ten Commandments starring Charlton Heston many a time. It was my favorite movie when I was growing up. Really? Yeah, it was one of them. That's such a long, dramatic film.

I know. For a child to get into. That's true. All right. Dear guys, I've put myself in a ghastly predicament and I need your creative minds and love for the strange to help me pull through or I might have to just kill myself out of Starbucks. Recently, I came up with an insane concept for a one-act play about a cat who deals drugs. Oddly enough, I was not on drugs.

In a furious frenzy, I wrote this very strange play and as a joke, showed a few scenes to some comrades, but it got a really good reaction. And my friend who is El Capitano of the Student Play Festival has fallen in love with this piece of shit and determined to put on the show. But I can't come up with an ending because the story is now so absurd and the El Capitano is nagging me every day to finish it. My play involves a plethora of pussy jokes, a boy often named Servix, a slew of dead cats, and some drug references, all of which are essential to the play.

And I'm afraid the school will want to tame it, but that's kind of beside the point. Can you think of a kick-ass conclusion that will leave the audience in a seizure-like state of laughter? Any script, joke, slash pussy advice would be greatly appreciated. I've attached a copy of the script, Todah. Oh, so the script includes green tea. But the problem is, the script is 27 pages. All right, so we're not going to read it now.

Right. We'll probably effort. But we can give advice on that. Just go to page 27 and see where it ends, what the cliffhanger is. Okay. I like how she said a cat often named something. Like, he's named many, many times. All right.

The last page reads, Mrs. P. Don't you defend her? Dith replies, I'm not a pussy murderer. I would never kill a cat. I love cats. I mean, I really love them. Their feet, their smell, the feel of their soft fur between my fingers. She shivers as the spotlight engulfs her.

Have you ever looked a cat in the eyes? Every time I look at Lionel, I fall more deeper in love. That's right. I said it. I'm in love with Lionel Poppy. I'm not ashamed anymore. And I know he loves me too. I have been in love before, but a man can't love a woman like a cat can.

I want to spend every day caring for him, petting him, loving him, feeding him milk, and fresh fish caught from our little cottage on the bay. I want to spend nights curled together by the fire, sipping out little Mr. and Mrs. water dishes. Back to reality, everyone is frozen with disgusted looks on their faces. Lionel walks away from Dith and stands behind Mrs. Poppy's legs. Dung speaks. What the hell?

Mrs. P. Get out! Exit Dith in a flurry. Pass speaks. Who is killing cats? Mr. P. Dung. It was Dung. The family starts yelling and blaming each other.

Corvex flips the table. And then how should I at this finish? Corvex. I thought it was cervix. Well, he's often named cervix. Oh, but usually he's Corvex. Yeah, sometimes Corvex. Corvex, Dung, Dith, Pith, Mrs. P., Lionel.

How does it end? You know what it could be? What comes to mind now? Is this set up like the Last Supper? So there's a bunch of people sitting in a row facing out to the audience. And then it escalates. It goes crazy. But the person in the middle, maybe...

The cat? Maybe Dith, maybe Lionel, maybe Dung, Corvex, Mrs. P., anybody really. I don't really know who the protagonist here is. Is in the middle of it all looking like, oh dear, what have I done? And then you play the Caribbean enthusiasm theme song. Bwomp, bwomp, bwomp. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Fade out to ba-da-da-da.

Blackout. Interesting, interesting. I guess I think the cat might be dead. Didn't think there was something killed the cat. Yeah. I think... I mean, I don't know if... I think Lionel's the cat.

Lionel... Yeah, it seems like there's a human named Death who's in love with a cat named Lionel. I think... Alright, so if Lionel is the cat and the cat's dealing drugs, but the cat should also be doing a lot of like really human type things, right? Yeah. Or sorry, like a real... So that's a human type thing.

The cat should be doing a cat type thing. So like, the police come to get it, but it runs up a tree, right? Yeah. Okay. And then the cat goes to jail, but maybe that's just the vet or something. Yeah, the cat version of jail. Right. And it meets another cat or a dog that's like...

Then it's sort of taking the like blow angle, right? It goes to like jail to get reform, but he actually gets a little more badass. Oh. He comes out, the cat's like a drug kingpin. Oh, and then he's like, I guess this cat's out of the bag. And then he walks out and the song that's playing is, Papa's got a brand new bag. And then, or like, he goes to like talk to his like number one rival and the guy is

like, you get out of here and then he just like scratches his tongue and pulls it out with his... Oh, with his paw. And he says, what's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Yeah. And then it cuts to the Heathcliff, Heathcliff. No one should terrorize the neighborhood.

And then like the spotlight on the cat and it just goes, oh, Mondays. Garfield style. Garfield style. And then it goes, whoop, a Garfield style. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Lasagna style. We got your ending pal. And it may...

Lasagna style. It may involve Garfield dressed like Opa or Psy, leading some sort of Gangnam style life. So he's wearing a little tuxedo. He's a little fat little tuxedoed boy. Perhaps a mustachio tuxedo boy. With some gloss haws. He stares at the camera and goes, Opa lasagna style.

He does the Psy dance. You find someone who speaks fluent Korean because that's when you really like... That's what separates the fakers from the makers. Exactly. You do the rap. And then that goes into the first of what can only be described as over 100 act breaks. Yeah. Then you set the record for longest play ever.

You put chains around the doors. You burn the theater down. Yeah. And that's how you become famous. All right. Let's take a break. Let's take our own intermission. Opa Garfield style.

What? Sorry. Don't plagiarize the play. The play's the thing. We'll be back after this messages. After these messages, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try.

It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room.

This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website.

So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. I just looked up the lyrics to Gangnam Style.

It's so stupid. Like none of this is English. Yeah. Nah Junoon. Like who wrote this? To Saroon. It was Korean. Inga Junoon Yeoja.

He didn't write it in the language you said. Did he sit on a keyboard? Like how do these words even... You could translate it and it would make... K-O-P Han Junoo-ee? Like, okay. Yeo-Yol-R-O-Yol. So you think every language is dumb?

No. English isn't dumb. English isn't dumb. The Queen's English isn't dumb. What about it? Canadian's not dumb. Hebrew is fine. You just don't like Asian language.

I don't like languages I can't understand. Because I feel like people are sneaking behind my back talking shit about me. That song actually is only talking shit about you. Yeah, like what the fuck is Bamiomyon? That means Amir's a loser. What the fuck is that Si? I don't even know you dude. Watch this diss track.

Oh. Show cards. Blumenfeld's style. What did we want to talk about? This is coming out April 25th. Episodes 5 and 6 of Lonely and Horny are out. Wow, we're over the halfway point at this point. That's right.

Things are moving very quickly. Very fast. Only two more weeks now and they'll all be out and we won't know what to do with our lives. 5 and 6 are a turning point. Yeah, there's a plot twist. There's a twist in 5 and 6. There's a thing that happens storyline wise. And actually you know what?

Next week I'm going to start giving away spoilers. Really? Yeah. Because it's like at this point you should have seen it. So you know what? Buy it and watch them all now if you don't want me to spoil it. I can't wait to see what people think. I'm so excited every time a new episode comes out.

Dig in the Reddit comments. We just got Bobby, our DP verified. Yeah, you got verified flair. So you guys, he's up in those comments if anybody's interested. He's ruthless though. He's kind of a troll too. So like he'll be very nasty. He has a scroll of low of himself.

Yeah, whoa, no spoilers. Okay, a little Easter egg. We've already said too much dude. You know what I wanted to do was ask you what the score is because in terms of sales, most of the sales have come from America. True, we can't actually say what the numbers are but I feel like we can say the proportion. I will tell you a very close second was England followed by a very close third, Canada. Yeah, England and Canada are separated by less than a percent of sales.

Sweet. So they're almost a virtual tie. England over Canada. England over Canada by a little. Tell you what, we're going to do a show this summer in whatever state or sorry, whatever locale is number two. Really? Yeah.

Whether we like it or not? Yes. So if Canada is number two at the end of the run, then we'll go do a show in Canada. If the UK. Is number two, then we'll do a show in the UK. I can actually view all for this, these countries. They get some pretty interesting. I also want to mention Australia which is really lacking.

Is that correct? Let me look at... A distant fourth. Yeah, Australia is about half of what UK and Canada. I thought we had friends in Australia. I really did. Well, we do. Just not as many friends as we do in Canada and UK.

Okay. Which is fair. Wake up Australia. Interesting fifth place country. Denmark. Sweden. Sweden. Yeah.

My bum is on the Swedish. Oh, we lost all the sales. How? Is this a live fricking feed? And then there are some countries that only bought one. That's the interesting list. Let me see those. We're talking Luxembourg, Cyprus, Saudi Arabia, Bahamas, Barbados, Lebanon.

One in China. There's over a billion people in China and only one have purchased. That's the only guy that found a way around the wall. Yeah. Not the Great Wall of China. I mean the firewall. The firewall of China. The Maldives.

Guernsey, of course. Guernsey. What is Guernsey? Guernsey, I looked up recently as an island off the coast of Europe. Technically belonging to one of these larger provinces. There's Pakistan, Costa Rica, Croatia, Peru, Bulgaria, and El Salvador. Round off the list of single, single sale countries. Oh man, to Guernsey.

Really? This is, to me, Guernsey looks like, well maybe the Maldives. Wait, you said somebody from the Maldives also, right? Yeah. What do you think is, I want to find out who the loneliest person is that ordered Lonely and Horny. Like a guy who's on a Gilligan's Island of sorts. Which I guess is the Maldives or Guernsey.

If you're the guy that ordered it from, or the girl that ordered it from Guernsey, email us with this subject, I ordered it from Guernsey. Hashtag, I'm the dude or dudette from Guernsey. I'll forward us the receipt, and then we'll know that it's you in Guernsey. But also, if you think that you live in the most remote location, or if you think you are the loneliest person, we want to hear from you. What about the horniest person? That's everybody.

We are all horny. If somebody lives on a farm in South Dakota and they don't have a neighbor for 100 miles or something. The Guernsey of America. You can prove that you are the loneliest person that ordered Lonely and Horny. We should figure out something that we can do for that person. Just to make them feel not lonely. Less lonely.

I'll go visit Guernsey. I just blow anybody who's there. Blow my way to the horny people. Fucking country. We should either invite the loneliest person to Los Angeles. Where are we going to do a screening? Yes, screening at the very least of viewing party. What if we invite the loneliest person that ordered Lonely and Horny to our viewing party?

Really? Sure. I just have to say yes, right? I guess so. Yeah. Yes. How do you do it? You forward the receipt?

You forward a receipt. All right. You forward a receipt. Then also, you have to explain why you think you can't just forward a receipt and I'm going to look up your address. You have to say, you have to make a video. Take a picture. Draw a picture.

Write a poem. Whatever you want to do. Any sort of art. Get creative. Get creative. And convince us that you're the loneliest person that ordered Lonely and Horny. And then we'll do our best to ship your ass to LA. Or come visit.

Because I would definitely be down to go to the Maldives. At the very least, the Maldives. That's a tropical vacation. I'm just reading from the Wikipedia page of Guernsey and every other word looks like it was made up for a fantasy novel. For example, the Ballywick of Guernsey, a crown dependency, situated next to smaller inhabitant islands of Herm, Jethal, and Lehow, together with many small Islets. The jurisdiction is not part of the United Kingdom.

However, defense and most foreign relations are handled by the British government. Take it together with separate jurisdictions of Alderney and Sark. It forms the Ballywick of Guernsey. I don't want to go anymore. I changed my mind. And the two Ballywacks of Guernsey and Jersey. Do you think the Ballywick of Guernsey is the who ordered Lonely and Horny? Lonely and Guernsey?

I don't know if the Ballywick is a human or a place. I don't know what a Ballywick is. Either way, if you live in Guernsey or the Maldives or if you're the guy from Pakistan or Saudi Arabia, get in touch with us. I want to hear their story. Yeah. And then Jake will go visit you in Saudi Arabia. Yeah.

Whether you both live there or not. And I'm not saying it's for people. If you think that you are lonely and you haven't ordered it and you want to enter the contest, you can do that. But then you also, if you've already ordered it, let us know. This way it's a sort of a contest that doesn't alienate old or new buyers of Lonely and Horny. But it does have to include the confirmation, the receipt confirmation that you purchased. Of course.

I'm not going to read something that doesn't. I will allow no false entries into the contest I just made up. And you can always watch the first one for free on College Humor's YouTube channel. That one's nearing a million plays. How about that? I mean, that's tight. Because that's more than most Jake and Amir videos. Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. So go you guys. Thanks for watching. Thanks for enjoying. Sincerely, thank you. Quick shout out to potential head gum interns. Oh, yeah. But we should say that for the end so we don't like go through.

All right. Well, if you're if that is the idea of head gum internship sounds interesting to you. Head gum interns. We're looking for interns after the final theme song. Yeah. We'll do a straight up job shout out. Yeah. So if you're college aged interested in an internship.

Yeah. Listen to the very, very end of this podcast. You have to be in LA this summer, right? Or willing to relocate on your own. All right. You have to be in Los Angeles without us asking for it. Right. So sorry, the guy from Guernsey.

Oh, dude from Guernsey is going to be in San Diego. Interest. Close but no cider. Anything else? Should we get back to it? Yeah. Let's just get right back into it. Let's get another question out of here.

Let's see here. Give me a search phrase. Parakeet. How do you spell that? I think it's P-A-R-A-K-E-E-T, but I don't know. Oh, there's one. And he either spelled parakeet correctly or incorrectly, but whatever it was, it was the same way as I did it. Oh, no, it was written by an Indian guy named Prakit.

Okay. Yeah. He's lactose intolerant. No, there's parakeet in one question. All right. Don't. The Game Boy wins. Game Boy.

Champion yet again. Game Boy, you're hurting me. Strangling the life out of you. Look in my eyes. The last thing you'll see is the winner. Here's my problem if you even want to call it that, because honestly, it's kind of a blessing. Hyena ate my friggin' bird. Yes!

My mom's going to be pissed because my dad spent his last time on the parakeet, but honestly, it's a pain in my ass. How do I tell my mom and not get her mad at me? Where does this person live? That is, birds are being hunted by parakeets. Love from Guernsey. Oh, from Guernsey. By Hyena.

Yeah, this guy's from Guernsey. Really? They're Hyenas and Guernsey? I guess so. Guernsey and Hyena. So a blessing in disguise. I mean, you didn't do anything wrong. How do I tell my mom and not get her mad at me?

Why would she be mad at you? She should be mad at the Hyena. Yeah. All right, you need to go out and fight a Hyena. No way. I'm serious. You come back with a couple of teeth marks on you, some bloody knuckles. And your mom says, oh my God, what happened?

And you say, I was attacked by a Hyena and it also ate the bird and I tried to stop it, but the Hyena got the best of me. You could probably, maybe don't go fight a Hyena. Just go scratch yourself on the tree branch or something. And then the mom will be like, you punched my pet Hyena. What's wrong with you? You monster. This guy lives on a zoo.

I just keep fighting. Yes. Yeah. That bird was food for the Hyena. We bought a zoo. Didn't you see we bought a zoo? I did see we bought a zoo. That's how much you love Damon.

I will watch anything Damon does, from Elysium to we bought a zoo. To the water fracking movie. I did see that one too. And? It was fine. The worst that Damon movie could be is pretty good. Damon, how many scripts are on his desk that I wish he would do? The next born movie for one.

When is that coming out? Come on, Damon. I don't know, man. All right. Should we go to the next question? I guess so. What's a good search term? I have a bad imagination.

All I do is look around the room, slinky. That's pretty good. We have a pretty fun room. That parakeet from that, looking at that parrot up there. Yeah. No slinky. Coaster. Oh, come on.

Ooh, got a lot of coasters. Well, choose one, baby. All right. Coaster. Rights. No, it's a lady. Okay. That last person in a biblical name, that last person was God.

Yeah, of course. This one is... He decided who shall live and who shall die. This one comes from a lady? A lady named Locusts, which is one of the ten plagues. Yes, the first one. Absolutely. It was not the first one.

What was the first one? Blood. Fine. Yes. Then frogs. Then boils. That's right. All right.

I realize I can't be satisfied or happy or content with what I have. I'm always looking into the future and back into the past, and that screws up a good relationship. I have an ex-boyfriend, number one, who I've had a relationship with off and on for eight years, and I've tried to move on so many times, but something always pulls me back in. We both get devastated thinking about others with someone new. Well, I recently moved on and started dating one hell of a great guy, number two. Hilarious, the funniest man I know. We have a lot in common.

We love your podcast. We've been friends for six years, and we've been friends while in relationships. But this spring, we connected for the first time as lovers, and it ruled. Sex like rabbits, dreams of moving to big cities, but it's been a mini-roller coaster. He is pretty much baggage-free, but I can't get my ex out of my head, and this summer, I'm going away for a summer job that has been looming in the back of my mind for a while. We have had a breakup once this spring, but I felt such intense remorse that I begged him to take me back, and he did.

He and I enjoyed another round of great loving relationship, but I've had so much anxiety lately that I can't deal with, and I rationally broke up with him again, and he has a lot of pride and cut me off out of his life real quick. He is smart in trying to defend his heart. I feel that remorse again. I didn't want to date him while thinking of my ex. I think I made the right call by not stringing him along, but I can't help but miss him. How do I know when to hold them and when to fold them?

I hate the idea of him not being my friend. I feel like I probably lost a good thing. Love triangle shit. Oh, that's weird. This is so bizarre. PS, I made him coasters with your faces on it a couple weeks back. Wow. So this email has both roller coasters and coasters.

I hope he doesn't break them or throw them out. Jesus Christ. I just want to, like, much respect and love, but shut up. She's, it's too much already. I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting motion sick. It's giving me anxiety, thinking about your anxiety, and it just, it sounds like you have made the right decision and you need to stop second guessing yourself. Move on.

You need to be single. This person can't handle being in relationships. People don't, they're not supposed to like be frozen in time when you leave them. That's okay. They live their life. You live, you live yours. Just forget it. It seems like this is like a movie that's like so emotionally tough to watch.

And then at the end you, the protagonist meets somebody who's like, oh, this is easy. But it doesn't, I don't think it should be like that. Like one person shouldn't erase another relationship. And then like, I was with this person. I didn't know what to do. And then I met this other guy and he was great, but now I don't know what to do. She's like, fucking stop. Don't make it about the person.

Don't make it about the relationship. Just be single. Just be cool on your own. Then you'll be ready for a relationship. So you're saying this girl's not comfortable with herself, her own personality, her own body. Yeah. It's like this like eight year relationship kind of fucked her up and you need to like completely cut that off.

Stop thinking about your ex. He's thinking of him not being dead, but just like floating in space in another direction. You guys are on opposite trajectories now. And no new relationship is going to like make you feel better or worse about that. You just need to be on your path, moving forward. Look out the window with an unobstructed view because your ex, he's over the horizon. He's gone. The first ex or the second ex?

Both. You are just picture yourself in a convertible, driving through the desert. There's nothing ahead, behind or to the side. Anything is possible, but just don't throw the car in reverse. Yeah. Once you break up with someone twice, that's it. Just assume you can't have them anymore. Yeah.

You broke up with him twice. You feel remorse. I guess you're always going to feel remorse. Of sure. You'll feel like, but I think there's a difference between feeling sad and feeling remorse. Like you feel sad because you broke up with somebody, but that doesn't mean like, oh, well, I should be with them because you'll feel sad with them too. Right.

What's the shortest sadness or which version of sadness leads to happiness? And it's being single. It's like, I'll be sad for a little bit, then I'll be happy. When someone knew, then I'll be happier. Or you say, I'm sad now. You go back to the relationship that you were sad in that you knew what to do. You broke up. It's like, sometimes people break up and then they're fine for a little bit because

it's fun and it's exciting. And then they go through phases where it's like, oh, it's Sunday night and I'm just alone. And now I'm sad, so I feel remorse. Maybe I shouldn't have done it. But those types of people are like, I want to be with my girlfriend on Sunday nights. Then Mondays during the day, I don't need her. That's fine. Breaking up was a good idea.

Monday night, I'll go out, do bowling. That'll be fine. I don't need her yet. Tuesday morning, I'll miss her. I need her back. I feel remorse. Tuesday night is fun. And if you are going through those highs and lows, think about how unfair it would be

to go and try to get back together with somebody that you want to be with maybe three times out of the week. But it's hard to look past the current phase that you're in. Like Sunday night, it's hard to think about Friday night. I don't think it's hard. It's easy for me. Yeah. I'm a fucking beast.

Yeah. But if you're not a fucking beast. I think you just got to channel the inner beast. Yeah. I'm going to be sad for the next six hours and then that'll be fine. That'll be good. It's actually good to be sad. Yeah.

It's feelings. You're allowed to feel them. Yeah. You just can't make irrational decisions based on them like, oh, I'm sad. So I'll get back together with my ex. Yeah. No. I feel sad.

So I think I'll make somebody else's life worse in the long term. Don't. Beg for their, beg for their shit back and then I'll just feel that sense of remorse. It's better to feel remorse alone than remorse that you got back together. Share remorse, yeah. Yeah. Because when I feel bad that I'm in a relationship, that's so much worse because like I'm not, I don't have to just deal with my own remorse.

I have to deal with somebody else's. I don't want somebody else to be sad because of me. Yeah. I mean, I'd rather err on the side of me being sad alone. Remembrance is a very beautiful thing and it's fine to feel sad about your, like, it's fine to feel sad for a moment, but I think ultimately it's really empowering to be like, I am doing this thing solo. Anything's possible.

Yeah. You don't need to. Anything can happen. Anything could happen. Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans. So this whole episode is about beans. Yep. It all led us here.

Don't, you don't have to be two peas in a pod. You can be your own little bean. In your own pod. You can be an edamame, a single edamame. You know the worst kind? It's like a, it's, it's lukewarm kind of borderline cold single pod. salty soy sauce edamames are, they're good. Yeah, but bad edamames.

Don't get me started. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, folks. Oh yeah, folks. All right. That's it. The end of the Game Boy, the end of the episode. Thank you guys so much for listening.

Thank you, Aliyah, for writing the opening theme song. Thanks for all those people who wrote in emails. The email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com. This closing theme song is going to be, was written and created by Dominic Zelie of Deadpand. I guess it's a remix. I don't know. That's what I wrote down. So thanks, Dominic Zelie, Deadpand remix.

Thanks, Aliyah. Thanks to you guys for listening. And then after the theme song, we're going to be talking about. If y'all are interested in internships, we're going to be talking about them in a few minutes. Yeah, and if you're over the age of, let's say, 24 and you live far, far away, you can just treat this as the end of the podcast. Yeah, we appreciate you listening. We'll be back on Monday. Later, guys.

So how does this work? This is an advice podcast. People will write us to ifirishow at gmail.com. Don't do that, Gene. I can still you, Gene. I like you. I don't think that'll ever get old. You're easy to lie to be the person that you want.

I feel like we're petting ourselves. We're subtle. We're very subtle. It's super subtle and it's not illegal. It's just vintage wool. Hey, hey, hey. Check this out. Take my name off the table.

I want to know the worst part. He's been a bad amount of money. He's been a bad amount of money. Relax. I am the master. No, you don't need the master. I don't need the master. I don't need the master.

I need the master. But does he don't like when I ask about the master? We're actually both the master. Thank you, my friend. Bull's queen. Deep shame. Yeah. And we only smile when they're happy.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, I knew it was a therapist. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. So you think you can work for me? Bullshit, dude.

You think you're fucking qualified? Let me see that resume. Oh, oh, nice. You were a camp counselor. Why don't you wad this piece of shit resume up? And actually, you guys, I'm sorry. I don't want to. This one was actually really good.

This was a bad example. Oh, you went to Brown. Damn it. You are actually overqualified. Can I work for you, sir? Let's talk about internships. This is what this is what we need. Right off the bat, college student.

Because here's the thing. No money is involved. That's right. In the internship. It's one of those school credit type things. So if you're at college that supports this. System. Yeah.

Of entering the workforce for a summer. Inventured servitude, we call it. That's what we're looking for, which is what I did when I was in college. And which is what I did for a college humor for a long time worked for completely free. I think legally we have to cover their meals. Oh, perfect. So we'll do that free food and a foot in the door. Hell, that sounds like a pretty good opportunity.

And so you also have to. So you have to be at a school that's willing to allow you to work for school credit. Sure. More than money. Okay. And you also have to be living in Los Angeles. Yeah. Ideally commutable to downtown LA for a couple of days a week.

Yep. And what would you say? Are we doing it for like May to August, June to August? Some sort of summer month, three month combination. Let us know your availability. Yeah. Sort of go based on that. And we need, I don't think it's going to be every day.

I think it'll be a couple of days a week. True. True. Truth. We're not looking for just one human. We're looking for three. Lovely. Overly qualified.

Underly prepared. Stroglodyte cactus people. We are looking for one, a designer, a design intern. Yeah. A lot of design stuff comes up like Snapchat filters. We don't know how to do that. We have to pay somebody to do that. Oh, we need a new banner for our YouTube page.

We don't know how to do that. Oh, we need a new sign for a show that we're doing. All this stuff comes up and like we could also overhaul lots of things like podcast art for everybody that has shitty podcast art. So are you a talented designer in college? Or illustrator or whatever. Are you good at drawing? Can you make stuff look good?

Could be an artist for us. Send us an email. If I were you show at gmail.com. Another type of intern we're looking for. Oh, by the way, the subject that you should email us with is potential intern. Right. Otherwise it'll get lost. Yeah.

We're going to filter potential intern. All right. Well, those two words correctly, you're already separating yourself from the majority of people. Send us a little, I don't know, what did designers have? A portfolio. Yeah. The equivalent of your work.

And then also we are looking for a digital growth intern. Whoa. What's that? I stopped saying social media because it sort of sounds bullshitty. I like that. Social media sounds like, oh yeah, I help with social media. Like, oh, I could get Kleenex, a thousand Twitter followers. It doesn't matter.

Right. Like we want digital growth. We want new podcast listens. We want new follows on our podcast social media. We want to help our digital outreach grow. And, you know, what helps is posting, but we don't have time to post to Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram and this and that and the other. This would be for head gum and potentially also for me and you.

Right. It's like the bare minimum is just like posting regularly. We don't do that. But like, hey, if you're smart and you've got some ideas for social growth, that's pretty cool too. Like if somebody followed us around and did a behind the scenes Snapchat or Instagram or something, that seems like something people would want to do. Start a head gum Snapchat.

That's like something that we could just mention to our social media or digital growth intern. That's right. And, you know, they can help out. That would be great. Right. And then lastly, oh, the, the email for all this stuff is potential intern subject potential internet. If I were you show at gmail.com.

Correct. And then lastly is just the miscellaneous jack of all trades helping us out intern. Yes. The workhorse beast mode intern that is, I guess, going to help us with everything from clearing out our email inbox. We have too many emails, too many questions trying to streamline that whole process. They hopefully can coordinate our schedules. Yeah.

I guess do a lot of unsung hero work around the office. Yeah. Whenever we need something done to be able to get something done. Are you somebody that just gets shit done? Yeah. That's what we need. We need somebody that's super organized, super on top of their shit and can help us streamline the whole entire process.

So when you were in college, which one do you think you'd be most, which one would you want to apply for? The get shit done kid, the last one. Yeah. That's what I was doing at College Humor, I think. Right. I would do design. Really?

What? I could take a course. You gave yourself a stick and poke smiley face tattoo. Shit. It looks like shit. So if any of this stuff sounds interesting, appealing, fun, exciting to you, if I were you show at gmail.com, potential intern, help us find you. I'll tell you one thing when I applied to College Humor and I used to be in charge of

the interns at College Humor. Yeah. You guys, if writing a good cover letter sets you apart immediately. It makes you look nice and normal versus crazy and bad. Right. So the, hey fuck face, I got nuggets for a mere hire me emails. You could just not send them. Yeah.

Well, that was, that's what you wrote, right? Yeah. Exactly. Before you even, we started the, you like nuggets thing. You started, that was the beginning of it. Yeah. So, yeah. Send us a letter, let us know who you are, what you are, where you are and when you are.

Nice. Most importantly, why you are. Any type of resume cover letter portfolio. Just let us know a little bit more about you so that hopefully we'll be able to set up some Skype interview soon and hire people accordingly. Right. And real quick, I recognize that a lot of, not a lot, but we've gotten a couple emails asking for internships in the past from people who are super qualified and very proactive

to ask about internships before we even offered them. But straight up, you will have to reapply with a subject potential intern because we're not going to be able to find all the other, the old emails, you know. Yeah. So resend that away. Cool. We'll be back next week guys. See you soon.

Peace. That was a hate gun podcast.