If I Were You - 214: Sex Dream (w/Rahul Kohli!)

Episode Date: May 2, 2016

Actor and friend Rahul Kohli joins us to discuss James Bond, astrology, and going dutch.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Trunk Club!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Tick in a mirror's getting me in completion, but speak him to a nation this weekend. But problems every day, odds and ends when two friends picked up the mic and fixed things. Check the mail and then get these, these, these, these, these. Ridiculous issues we need help with, so sit back, relax, and grab a snack. If I were you. I know that I would be okay. I got the answers to the only thing you need. If I were you.

I didn't know Linkin Park with fans. Is that what it is? I think that was like, I thought it was Beastie Boys at first, but then yeah, and once the chorus kicked in, I realized. It's Chester. Oh, is that his name? Is that the guy with the fire tattoos? Yeah. That guy's name is David.

I'm trying to find any more information about him, but now that I- That's all he's un-googlable. Yeah, he's lost forever. So thanks, David, for that really epic theme song submission. Raul. Hello, sir. Holy. That's just how I pronounce your name.

I don't know. It's perfect. Is that on? You didn't. Anyone would think you were told how to do it. Thank you for joining us. This is a first for us in many ways. Yes.

First British guest. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, he rose kind of counts, right? Because it all sounds the same. Yeah, accent wise. First, you're not the first guest with a silly accent. True.

You're the second guest that sounds stupid. Well, British people just automatically sound smart. Oh, yeah. We're the ones that sound stupid. Oh, I'm going to smash that stereotype tonight. No, it's too late. You're already privileged, right? You already said smash that stereotype.

Yeah. Even that sounded kind of smart. Oh, they're at least charming. Yeah. I think it's all James Bond related. If James Bond was Southern, we'd all be like, oh, wow, that's a really hot, sexy Southern accent you have. Cowboy.

I had sort of like an old college humor video idea where James Bond isn't really good at Daniel Craig not knowing how to use his iPhone. Yeah. I feel like that's just something. Because you never really see James Bond with a smartphone. Right. He seems like he would have an android. Well, he would have like some sort of state of the art, something like embedded into his

wrist or something like that. Right, right. But if he like uses the stylus wrong, his hand blows up. Yeah. Well, he only uses whatever piece of crap Sony have just released, right? Because obviously it's a product placement. It's a product placement. Yeah.

So he's all using some nonsense that no one but him really uses. Yeah. So if somebody else's hand clearly, they have to like add it in the day before it comes out because that's how like close to the cutoff it needs to be. Yeah. The Galaxy S5, whatever. Do you have a Samsung? Sorry.

I shouldn't be. Oh, no. I kind of float between my iPhone and my Samsung. Good man. I don't like being bullied by either side. So I thought I'd just give in to both. Really? Yeah.

I let Apple win a long time ago. Oh, did you? They have completed the takeover. How bad does an iPhone have to be for you not to use it at this point? I don't know. I hated buying the iPhone 6. I didn't want it. I couldn't stop myself from buying it.

I was like, it's too big. Even as I'm holding it, I'm like, I can't use it with one hand anymore. Did you get the giant version? No. I got the smallest one possible. That was also the new one because I should have just stayed with the five. I liked that one. You should get the new one, which is the small body.

This is such a waste of time. It feels like an iPhone product placement. What are you talking about with the podcast? Well, first of all, we met you through Rose. Yes. You work on iZombie with her. I came to Vancouver and saw you guys perform live. That's right.

She organized a trip for us and we all came down and showed ourselves and giggled and then I was like, I want to be on this show. Which is great. We were going to have Rose on today and they were like, oh, why don't we just have her on instead? The lead of the show. The emotional lead. Rose is, oh yeah, I see her.

She's outside the window. She's knocking. She's motioning that the door is locked. Yeah, I double locked the door. She can't get in. She's gnawing on the knob actually. She's trying to get in like a gopher. She's burrowing through the door.

Oh, God. She's so stressed. She's in here. Fuck. She's biting me. What do you know about Rose that we don't? Oh, well, did you do the marathon? Oh, no.

That's good. Anything you want to know about Rose is how the marathon was approached, how we were all roped into it, how excited she was to do a marathon a week after we wrapped and how none of us showed up. Is she the only one who did it? Yeah. And in Rose's style, she killed it. She did great.

She did it. She actually ran it. She committed to it. I was the only one who was like, no, from day one. I put up pictures of people eating doughnuts. Yeah, training's going well because I wasn't going to do it. But everyone else, the American guys were really sweet and like, oh my God, yeah. I'll be there, that kind of thing.

Who built the latest? Oh, it was a mass one. So I built first and then just, I don't think anyone showed. And that's a mirror included, by the way. Yeah, I said I would maybe do the half with her. Didn't do it. Didn't do that. But she ran the whole Oakland Marathon.

She did it, yeah. And she had all these ice packs strapped to her legs. Or so we think. Oh. Because nobody was there, actually. No, it was there. That's true. Actually, the Oakland Marathon is until July.

Yeah, I'm just looking it up right now. There was no Marathon in Oakland. Yeah. Holy shit, she staged the entire thing. And I can see the medal she's wearing is like a. Chocolate. Yeah. It's guilt.

It's Hanukkah guilt. I can see it's melting onto her shirt. So, Ruel, as you know, this is an advice podcast. We do our best to answer some emails. People are in sticky situations. Sometimes it's us. Sometimes we're here with a friend. Fortunately, you're here to grace us with your wisdom today.

With the modern day Ricky likes. Yeah. That's actually, we should say that in our iTunes description. Modern day Ricky Lake. I think Ricky Lake is still on. Is that possible? No. Is it?

Is that even a device? I thought that was just a talk show. Or chat show, as they call it. Ricky Lake was so young. Do you guys remember how old do you think Ricky Lake was when she had her talk show? I remember. I'll just say like 20s. Yeah.

I remember playing the 15. Oh my God. You want to feel old? Zach Morris is 90 today. I remember playing the 58 game trying to guess which celebrity is 58. And Ricky Lake was the worst guess. I don't know if I came up with it or somebody else did. But they were 21 years off.

She's like 37. Today she's 37? No. Like when we were playing it two years ago. Let's see how old Ricky Lake is. Sorry. I'm going to look it up while you talk about the podcast. All right.

So I mean I already. Oh my God. I don't want to interrupt. I'm going to guess 40. You're already interrupting with like your phone signal noise. Sorry about that. Here we go. Okay.

Look at that iPhone 6. Yeah. Enormous. Age guess for Ricky Lake? I'm going to say. I have a borderline note. She's 40. Okay.

Guess? I'd say 47. 48. I'm going to guess 47 as well because I'm looking at it. And it is 47. Wow. Nailed it. I guess a star sign as well.

Why not? Libra. I can tell you when her birthday is. Will you know? Yeah. September 21st. Oh my God. That was close.

Is it? Virgo. I was like a few days off. That's crazy. I'm so excited that you were wrong. Yeah. I was still wrong. All right.

So let's let's we need some fake names to preserve these people's poor people's anonymity. Do you have a guy's name for us? Oh. Deepak. Deepak. I always shoot for Deepak when I panic. It's the name of a relative I have that I really dislike. And I'm calling them out on this podcast.

I love that. Deepak. Why do you dislike him? He's just a prick to me. He's always been a prick to me. And it winds us up. And even when I was never working for years, and even when I got IZombie, he was still a prick.

Really? He still found a way to cut me down after a head shot or something. He saw. Classic Deepak. Well, hopefully, I mean, most of the people that write in are pretty terrible humans. So let's see. This guy doesn't seem too terrible, but Deepak writes, a girl who I just started seeing told me that she feels uncomfortable that I keep treating her instead of going Dutch.

This blew my mind. I felt bad letting her pay afterwards. I always assumed that going Dutch was for chumps after the relationships become more committed. Am I just too old fashioned? When is it okay to go Dutch? And when should I treat a date? A concerned Padawan love Deepak.

Do you know going Dutch is that an American thing or is that a universal? No, that's the paying halfway, right? Yeah, that's right. Who are the Dutch? Yeah. I thought it used to be wearing two condoms for some reason. I think that is that double Dutch, no, but that's skipping. I get confused with that.

We used to just call it double backing, or you can call it... What's the point of wearing two condoms? Going Swedish. Is that like a... The Swedish are very careful people. Is that to last long or is it for more protection? More protection, I'd imagine. Got it.

Actually... I don't think you'll last long. I mean, you just won't... You just feel nothing. You'll be surprised if you finish a tool. Yeah, you used to say like, you ought to double bag it if you're going with somebody who like sleeps around a lot, but actually double bagging it creates friction between the two condoms and they're more likely to tear, so nobody should put two condoms.

Yeah, that's why we suggest the triple bag method. So top two tear, obviously, and then you're left with what the correct amount which is one. I've always advocated five condoms and... The five is the ideal, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, five is number one. Best way to go is five.

Five and vasectomy. Yes. Also abstinence. Oh, sure. So you'll remove your dick, put it in five condoms. If you will be a eunuch, so that's no testicles. No testicles. One dick.

No testicles or no... I'm turning to a rule. Well, like he's a eunuch. Oxford dictionary. Sorry. I thought it's no balls. Yeah. Eunuchs, no balls, they have the dick.

Castration is... Is that... No. I think that's no balls too, isn't it? No. All right. So what is it when you don't have a dick? Because that's what I've got.

A woman. I've got balls, no dick. I've got four balls, two dicks, six condoms, but none of them are in the place that you would think. Yeah, they're around your thumb. I see that. Oh, yeah. That way you can finger someone without getting them pregnant.

Like a really dumb ring that I have to wear all the time. So going Dutch on a date, the theory is that old-fashioned people are like, you should pay for the whole thing. And then there's this new type of fashion, which is like, everything should be split because men and women are equal. Let's split this bill in an egalitarian way. So what do you do? Do you err on the side of paying for the whole thing?

Do you split? Do you go Dutch? Well, when I take a buddy out, let's take relationships out of it. When I take a buddy out, we go out for a work dinner or something. Someone's always trying to pick up the whole check usually. And that's without trying to, I'm not trying to sleep with my co-stars. Just because I, yeah, season two, season three, but like, it's just courtesy. I always, I was always brought up like someone's trying to pick up the check and there's a big

fight about who does it. You end up splitting it anyway. And I think dates can kind of be like that. If I've asked someone out or I'm going out on a date, I will try and pick up the check, but I'm also hoping for a fight about it. If you just let me do it, then next time I'll, if there is a next time, I'm doing it to have a little like, I want you to go, no, please, no, and pretend you're reaching for your handbag or whatever.

Please do that. Yeah. And then, but then I think Dutch, after a while, once you've gone out a lot, then I think it's fair to Dutch the fact that you shouldn't be, you're literally feeding someone constantly after a while. Right. It's kind of crazy to be on like year five of your relationship and you're just still paying for every meal and still waiting for the fight.

But I, in my experience, I've always like offered to treat for the first dinner. And I think it's always best exactly what you're saying. Like the, a little protest and you say, no, no, I want to get it. I got it. And if they protest again, then it's like, all right, hey, I'll back off. And then, but if they don't, if they say thank you, then that's the correct thing to do. Always one, one act of protest.

Yeah. The person either acquiesces or like says, stands their ground. This is like that rule, which I don't like. Do you guys do this? Like the, you can't eat unless everyone has their food rule. So you get food. I haven't gotten it yet. You can't eat it.

And then I have to say you can eat it. And then you have to say, no, I'll wait, or you say I'll eat it anyway. The correct way to do that one is, as soon as my food comes, you say to me, please eat. Yeah. Like, and it's, that's the right thing to do because the food's hot. It's ready. It's, you know, and then do you eat? Is the courteous thing to eat?

Yeah. Always. You always, I think it's weird to be like, no way. Yeah. I'm waiting. I would finish. That's the thing. There's enough time where you finish and lick the plate.

That's on the restaurant at that point, but yeah, I'll, I'll finish, send the plate back for seconds. Pay for the meal. I'll order dessert sometimes before they get their food. I think I usually will start eating, but I'll, but I'll take it a little easy. Pick it a fry. Have a bite of the burger. There's a lot of bullshit.

There's a lot of bullshit that you have to do at restaurants. I mean, the wine, we had this recently with the wine tasting like, I don't fucking know what wine I want. Oh, and they come over and you make some massive deal about it. I sit there. I have to act like when I'm on a date. I know that this is a good year. This red one.

Yeah, more, please. I heard something too. I think Gary Vaynerchuk, the wine guy, told us that, like, by the time you've chosen the wine and they come and they pour it for you, you're not tasting it to say, like, yes, I like it. Your take, you, the only reason they pour a little bit is you're supposed to smell it and make sure the grapes haven't gone bad. Like if the wine is actually spoiled, then they, I still don't think I know, but you've

already made the decision. I saw somebody pour ketchup into a wine glass and you'd sip it and you're like, this is great. You spun it around. It was A1 steak sauce. They didn't do anything else. You don't do that with the Coke to make sure it's flat. You don't do that with, like, you know what I mean?

So I just, I always find it just this big bullshit thing where we have to buy into this performance that, oh yeah, we all know what we're doing. It's all this really weird dance. And I think that's like, the goal of all of it is to just make sure that people aren't stumbling too much. So like you offer to pay and somebody says, no, we say, no, I got it. And then like, it's over. But if you offer to pay and someone says, no, I really want to pay.

I'm like, no, I got it. Like, no, I really like to pay. I can't again be like, no, and I would love to treat you. Yeah. I ain't going to, I don't allow that. Then it's like, then the dance gets fucked up. Yeah. It's just, it's like a little bit of a gentle full play restaurant full play.

Exactly. And I think they're sorry. Go ahead. No, you please. I don't want to. God forbid I speak. Oh, come on. No, no, no, no, you listen to the show.

It's a fucking steamroller over here. Sorry, I just, I had to say that I had to go to the bathroom. What were you actually about to say? I honestly forget. OK, great. I don't like, I don't like rules like the food thing that end up in like it's you're being polite. I'm being polite.

And then we end up in the same place where we started. So like, I get the food, you have to say, you can eat. I have to say, no, I don't want to. You have to say, you can eat and then I eat. I'm just going to let's skip those steps. I'm just going to start eating in front of you. Whether you're right. If the food comes and you don't even like acknowledge that I haven't gotten my food.

Yeah, start chowing down. I'm like, I would, I'm going to tell you to eat, you know. Right. But why do I have to fucking wait for the green light? Let me just drive. Well, because you you have to wait for the green light on the road. You have to wait for a green light. But right now it's an intersection.

It's on me. It's rude if I don't say you can eat and then you can eat. And then like, you know, hey, fuck me. But it's it's on the person who doesn't have the food to immediately say you eat. It's all about acknowledgement. All of these dining rules and date, they're all acknowledgement, right? Like it's it's it's paying for it, but you're going to pay. But they're acknowledging that you're paying, right?

Then just sit in there looking in like how, you know, and the same goes for the food. It's 100 percent. Yeah, that's all it is. So this is what I do. I usually I dine in dash every day that I've ever been. I will never go on a date because I don't want to deal with this thing. No, what I do is I'll be like, oh, let me get dinner. You can get whatever like the next thing to condoms.

Yeah, you can get two condoms. I get that I get the dinner and then I get to wear two condoms later or like I get the dinner and then we'll go get frozen yogurt. You can buy that or a drink off the way. Yeah. And that feels like an extra. Like I it doesn't it doesn't feel tangible to me if somebody pays for half a meal because that's just electronic money going up or down. But if I can get a free frozen yogurt out of this meal that I'm giving someone,

that feels like more of a way was the price of dinner. Right. But like it feels like a little treat that I got for paying for the. They call that going Jew I'm going. Julie and then if we don't go out for frozen yogurt, I say, just send me a gift in the mail. So here's my here's my, you know, here's my address or like a neighbor on their account. Yeah, you saw the car. That's it. That is an interesting theory because it also prolongs the date.

It's sort of like that's like a little bit of a game. You know, like, oh, let me get dinner and you why don't you get we'll go get ice cream. That's funny. It's like, I don't want ice cream. No, I want to go home immediately. We just split a cheesecake. I don't want to now go get ice cream with you. How's the day in kind of game chain? Like, I mean, I don't remember just going for dinner.

Like, do you know what I mean? It always starts either a bar for or you go bar later. Or dinner is going to dinner is on a date. Is like, that's that's going to dinner with somebody is like, I better be in love with that person. Then that's year two. You've spoken about how you hate dinner dates. Really? They're awful.

I am a shame eater. So like, I don't want people to see what I eat. It's just like pouring ketchup over everything, shoveling food into my mouth. It's because that's when you look the worst. Yeah. The eating is not sexy for me. I don't look. I'm not a sex eater, especially for bed agents. Like, yeah, oh, there's always some shit in there.

But you cannot eat a sandwich on a date. No, no, it's just it's it's all in the mustache. You've showed up like at 6 30 p.m. on like a dinner date and be like, oh, I've already had a huge lunch. I can't. Oh, yeah. Anytime anybody's ever asked me to order food. I say, I'm not even if you're starving. Yeah, then you'll you'll run to the bathroom and put like take a gas station sandwich out of your pocket.

There was like just before we were leaving New York and I had a date and I didn't have time to eat. So I just went into that pizza place and I got two croissants. You shoveled them into your mouth. I ate one immediately. Then I put one in my pocket to like eat quietly on the day like in the bathroom. Yeah. And then when you go to pay, you take out your wallet

and there's a little croissant in there like, oh, don't mind if I chew. Order with croissant. So what do you suggest? When is it OK to go Dutch? When should I treat a date? Do you say always just offer to treat? I. Oh. I'd say so, let's say if there were five dates, if you guys on five,

I'd say pay for the first one or two. If she puts up a fight immediately, then then then, then, yeah, you can the next one, if you know she's going to do that, then by two, three, four, you could say, well, why don't we split it? That's the compromise rather than you pay the compromise. Can be when I split it. I guess the hope is that she is always saying like, oh, let's split it.

And you say no the first few times and then maybe like date three or four. You're like, sure. Because I hate D-Pack, though, I'm hoping she just sits there dead silent every time the check comes. Just do you want to do it? No, I wanted a free meal, actually. Doesn't it also depend like how much money they have? Like, don't you always like has to see a WTuber at ten ninety nine?

Oh, yeah, that's interesting. That way you can get their tax record if they're like actually poverty stricken, you can be like, it's probably my obligation to pay for this. I'm more of a fan of like you get the next one rather than splitting. Yeah. So like and then if they remember, they say like, oh, you got last dinner, you said I could get this one. Then I'm like, OK, I think there's something gentlemanly about not putting up too much of a fight.

Like you look like a wiener. If you're like, no, I really would like to pay. So you say, no, you get the next dinner. Then she does. And you say, oh, come on, let's at least split it. And then she's no or yes, she does. Then you write her up forever. It really is a cat and mouse places.

This was always one we used to do when we were younger. You go to places where you pay for the food up front. So you stand at the till. So it's a line. Right. And you end up. So if you're on a date, you go single file, you've boxed her out. Yeah, you order and you collect your receipt. And then you just stand by her side.

And now she's forced to pay for her side of the meal. You've gone to she didn't even know. Game over. You win that one option is to offer to pay. The other one is to full on box her out. But she's she's out there trying to get in so she can get it on the on the order. Yeah, and you just know.

Yeah, she doesn't even eat denied. It's got stuffed in more ways than one. Nice, dude. I meant stuffed by food, not by your dick. Gotcha. Nice, dude. You never know. All right, let's get to another question. This one is written by a female, if you can imagine.

Wow. Is your phone on airplane mode, by the way? You know what? I turned it off when I looked up Ricky Lake and I didn't turn it back. You guys wanted to check out Mori Povich's age. Oh, it's definitely in the 70s at this point, right? Mori Povich.

Mori Povich age. I'm going to look it up. You have a guess for Mori Povich. Oh, 68. I'm going over 71. I was going to say 72. Oh, God, I went too low. I labeled the maybe he's a Capricorn panicked.

Well, first of all, did you guys know he's dead? Wow. Amazing. That's actually not true. He's 77 and he's alive. Wow, that's nice. He's also he is definite. He's a he's a Libra.

What's a Libra? January 17th. Is that really? No, it's not. What is it? What is it? What's a Libra Libra? What is he?

Sorry, what? January 17th. He's a Capricorn. That's great. Oh, yeah, I should have known that. Dude, I just fucking guessed his dog sign. Oh, you didn't guess Capricorn. That's amazing.

And you were really close on the last one, too. Jeez. He was born in 1939. Jesus. He was born in a concentration camp. Oh, come on. What? He was a ghetto baby.

You guys want to guess Jerry Springer's age? No, I think we should just go back to the show. Transition. Yeah, yeah. For the next question. Between every question. Do you have a female's name? No.

Great. I've no right. No one's ever taken a knee before. I love it. No, the name suggestion was no. Oh, got it. How do you spell that? N-U-N-E-O.

No, N-E-U-X. That'll do. Then she's French. No. Right. This is my third freaking email. And this time, I really need your help. Little backstory.

I have a really hard time not banging guys immediately after I meet them. Honestly, even if they're not my type, as long as their heart hot, I'll just do it for fun. Hey. This hasn't always worked out. For me, and despite being taught lesson after lesson to not fuck every guy who's attractive,

I keep seizing my cheese. So here's the story. I hung out with this guy from work a couple weeks ago. Night one, we went out for $4 PBR pictures and went back to my apartment to smoke weed. Obviously a great time, funny guy, whatever. Night two, he came over to smoke and things got a little triple X rated.

Now, I told him that on the first night that I was seeing two other guys and since then I've become kind of serious with one of them. I don't really want to mess things up with my current guy as he's really nice and I do genuinely like him, but I really like this work friend as a friend. We have a lot of fun together, lots of laughs, et cetera. So here's my question.

Is it possible to stay friends with someone after you've banged? Is there any going back from the choice and moving towards just being friends? He has tried to hang out a couple times since, but I was actually busy both times and since then has pretty much stopped hitting me up. I'm chatting with him right now,

trying to rekindle this friendship, but I don't want to be mean and lead him on thinking that I want to keep fucking when I'm actually seeing somebody else. Thank you in advance, love the show. P.S., Jake, I think we're soul mates. Let me know if you ever want to party if you all come to Atlanta for a live show.

Lots of love, I'm Jewish, so happy Passover because that's coming up. Love, Neo. No. Yeah. So oftentimes we get questions that like, oh, we should say that for a female guest because it's like a female related question.

This girl's asking a dude question. Dude advice. So we're dudes. By the way, every guy is like this girl. Which is what? Just wants to fuck everyone and then friendship them. And like, I only want to fuck, like I want to fuck everyone who's attractive.

It's cool to have a girl. I can't stop doing that. Yeah, it's fun to have a female say that. Yeah. We have a lot in common, maybe we are soul mates. How about that specific question? Is it possible to stay friends with someone after you've banged?

Have you ever banged and then become friends? The problem isn't that she's like, it might be possible for her, but it's not necessarily possible for him. Like if he went on two dates with her and they fucked and he's trying to hang out with her more, he's not trying to be her friend right now. He wants to date her.

So I don't think that she can like seamlessly make this transition without at least talking to him about it. And he might not feel like being your friend. I agree. It has to be, I think it is possible to be friends after sex, but it has to be completely mutually right. Like you both have to be like, yeah,

we're not doing that again, but let's hang out. Has that ever happened though? I think so. Like a one night stand? Nine times out of 10, when someone's like usually, if it's not a terribly uncomfortable situation, I always find that usually one person's kind of like, I don't want to go there,

but I kind of liked you enough to hang out anyway. It's only the kind of, I guess what makes it difficult is when it's never really both parties feel that way. But I think it's possible to be friends with someone after you band. I think it might be even easier for some people. I've had sex with almost all of my friends. Yeah, but they were friends first.

Can you imagine befriending someone that you've only had sex with? Well, they were work buddies, then they fucked. Sorry, what's your question? Can I imagine being friends with somebody I've... Let's say you slept with somebody on the first or second time that you've ever seen them. And then they're like, I don't want to sleep with you anymore,

but we should just be friends. Well, isn't this scenario where I'm saying that to them? No, let's say you're the guy and she's the girl. So a girl's saying that to you. I liked sleeping with you, but now I just want to be friends with you. I guess I would probably be like, well, I don't, I have a lot of friends, so we're good.

I mean, just for the sex part, actually, that's the thing that I like. Not so much the hanging out before and after. The problem here is that it's always gonna, especially with unfortunately with dudes, it's gonna take a huge ego hit. Because everyone thinks that they've got that dope dick. Yeah.

That's what it is, right? And that everyone's turned out after they've had sex with them. So when someone's like, oh, no, well, let's go see Jungle Book together, you're only gonna be like, I didn't do my job properly. Especially if you've like, the date before you had sex, and they're like, all right, actually, now I definitely know I like this other guy more.

Like, huh. But I'm still down to like, go see a movie with you or a play, yeah, who would you want to be with? And then do you go Dutch? Yeah. I'm back to that. If you've had sex with an Auschwitz movie friend, do you go back to going Dutch?

No, I definitely not. Now she pays. She owes me cash for what she's done to me. This 180. Yeah, that's true. It is a huge ego hit. Yeah, that's for sure. That's for sure.

I think it's possible to be friends with somebody after you've had sex, but I don't know how soon after. And also, I don't know if it sounds like she's the kind of person that needs a lot of male friends, especially if she like is trying to give this relationship a shot to like, wanna keep on hanging out with somebody that she had sex with. I don't have any female friends.

Like, that doesn't happen anymore. Like a girl doesn't chat me up and I'm already starting to talk like you. A girl doesn't chat me up and then we just hang out and now we're friends and there's no romantic interest anymore. Most friends that I had with female were people who didn't fancy me back,

but I was too, I just didn't wanna cut them completely. That's how you make girlfriends. It's like you ever crushed on somebody who doesn't like you. Yeah. All right. I had a solution for her is, and I think because of the ego and stuff, I think she has to just keep sleeping with him as friends.

So he's getting, so but then she can keep taking it back a little bit. So at first it was full on full frontal penetration, everything, scale it back until the point where it's just a hand job. It's a total fade away. Yeah. And then they're friends, no more sex.

He's already might be wanting someone else. They can hang out. So she still has to like just grin and bear it and do another six or seven sessions. Yeah. Like you don't cut them off, you fade out. Yeah, exactly. We had a crossfade

and then hopefully it starts a transition to a new scene. Just getting to second base. Yeah. All right. We hung out, but I just, I think I just felt her up, which is kind of interesting. Over the bra too.

Jesus. And last week she let me unhook the bra. I don't get it. It was awesome. But I think that might result in him liking you a lot. Cause like, Oh, cause you're technically drawing. Oh, dude, I would be so fucking confused

and enamored by that. I can't do this. I can't do it. Like I can't sleep with you. It's like, but we already have. What a mystery. But why? You want to,

she also sent her phone number in case we ever do a live show in Atlanta. Oh, tight. Cause she says that you guys are soul mates. Yeah. It's funny that she's like, I want to give this other relationship a chance. Also, Jake, text me if you come to Atlanta.

I want to give a chance. She just want to be my friend. Yeah. I think she just wants to hang out with you. Ah, good. That makes sense. All right. Let's take a quick break.

We'll come back with more questions after these messages. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Couple interesting facts about Jerry Springer starting with his age. I'm gonna say 83. Whoa, what do you say? Oh, he's been around for years. I'm gonna give him Morrie's age

because I was born in 77, 77, 78. And I will guess Libra for this one. Really? No, Leo, why not? We'll switch it up. Leo. I'll tell you he was born in February 13th. So he's not a Leo.

Okay. What does that make him? Aquarius. Aquarius. Another interesting fact. He was born in the United Kingdom. Really? Yeah.

Oh. Wasn't he the mayor of Cincinnati? Yeah. Yeah, he was. That means Cincinnati. I could be a mayor. Fucking Cincinnati. You're allowed to be the mayor.

Yeah, you just can't be the president. But even then, there's like some kind of... And what's his age? Wouldn't you like to know? Holy shit. What a fucking cliffhanger. He's 72. Oh, he's younger than Morrie.

Yeah. Dang. Montell is young as well. He's 69. We're not gonna play. He follows me on Twitter for some... Montell Williams? That's amazing.

Yeah, it was random. Hey, don't sell yourself short, man. I'm sure it's not random. He's a big fan, whatever. I know you can guess his sign. Montell? Yeah. If he follows me, he's a cancer.

Isn't there a new sign? They're like, they just made a new one. Is there a new one? Isn't there? No. I thought they like made a new sign recently. It was like, actually, there's no more Capricorn. They split it up into two.

Am I making that up? I thought that like, there was something where I thought I wasn't a Leo anymore. Yeah. I mean, you would know more than us. Apparently. All of a sudden, I'm this like astrologist. I mean, the fact that you can hear a month

and know what the sign is makes you like, I think you're a fortune teller now. Well, you know what? I didn't have sex until I was 20. There's a long period of just reading and studying. Yeah, horoscopes. And horoscopes. And looking at my crush and one,

and looking for which publicate, like which book said we were compatible. Oh, I mean, I remember you said, I used to read the horoscopes and my sister's like, Cosmopolitan, I used to do that. But I was, I was fucking the entire time. You gotta believe that. Just crush it.

So, tell me a little bit about iZombie. It's currently in its second season. Yeah, we just, we just had our finale about a week or two ago. Oh, so the second season is already fully aired. All done. And you guys have recently gotten greenlit for a third season. Yeah.

So we were, we were picked up for a third season while still filming a second. Oh man, that's exciting. So we felt like the walking dead or something. You know what I mean? We were shying off. We bought loads of unnecessary stuff. I've got a parrot and a landing ship.

I've got a parrot and a landing ship. Yeah. Why not, man? A parrot and a landing ship. I got my grill done. Two ice in my tea. I feel like two of those things are so expensive. And then the parrot is just, I mean, how much could that be?

That's just flamboyant for the sake of fun. And I fucking hate pets and animals anyway. And it is loud. The parrot sits shotgun in the lambo, also has a grill. Yeah. But yeah, so we're back in the summer to shoot season three. Shoot in Vancouver. Shoot in Vancouver.

Rose McIver. No, McGowan's going to be taking over. That's amazing. What an upgrade. Holy shit. There is a weird coincidence. I don't know if this is something no one knows. I think her wig, one of them didn't fit

because someone made a mistake and it's fit for Rose McIver's head. Really? Yeah. And that's why she was constantly played too tight. Does Rose have a bigger head than Rose McIver? I don't know, but there was a size difference. We have to know who has the bigger head.

How long, wait, is this, is this like the, your biggest thing that you've done? It's my only thing. This is it? Yeah. So this, how long were you hustling before? 10 years. 10 years.

10 years, yeah. Man, like were you coming close to a point of being like, oh, I was joking. Like this, I'm done. I don't want to act anymore. Oh, definitely. Deepak is just telling you. Yeah, Deepak was loving it.

Fucking prick. No, so like I went to drama school at 18. I think I got out at 20, 21 or something like that. And then I suddenly didn't have until 28. So for those years, I mean, I was just doing, I did all right in the commercial world. Like I did add like commercials for stuff. In England.

Yeah, beers and things like that. But no one would give me a speaking role. Because of your funny, talking way. Yeah. And like, I was always, and I was also cause I was too big. I was six foot four at 14. So when I was in my early 20s.

And you're eight foot three now. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm still going. This is so cool. Role is swallowing the microphone like a little Tylenol pill. We're all sitting on top of Role

because he takes up the entire room. He's like Clifford, the red dog. We're on each of his knees. He's growing right now. We're still growing. Blasting through the window. But yeah. So like even as a kid, I couldn't play my age.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. For years. So I think once I got older, everything kind of worked out. I've heard recently that like it's a lot harder for like, to get a role as a man, 21 through 27, like people just don't really get cast.

Yeah. It's a much later thing for male actors. Like John Hamm didn't, I think Mad Men happened his midday. Oh, right. And then the Lord for Han Solo happened in his mid-30s. It's pretty crazy that you have to like, endure so many years of reject.

Like did you come close to a lot of things too? Oh yeah, I was always like, there was jobs where I was down to the last two and all of that nonsense. Did you also say you got this role on tape? You didn't even audition. You just sent one tape and they're like, all right, you're in.

Something like that. Yeah. That's crazy. I was put on tape. They couldn't find who they wanted in America. They checked Canada and then they opened it up to the UK. So people from the UK were sending tapes over and yeah, off the tape, they cast me.

They were desperate as fuck. It's amazing to see that. So like that, did you even ever go in front of the producers or the directors? No, never. No screening, no network. So they just like said, yes, off the tape, you're on a plane and then you're on set.

And they're like, I hope this fucking... Yeah, and they were really scared. They were really scared because everything had worked and they met all the cast and they clicked and there was this anomaly, this English actor coming over who was just gonna be a prick. And they didn't realize I was six foot four. Until the day before we started filming

and I met the producers and they were like, oh shit. Yeah, you're like the foot taller than us. And Rose is tiny and like actors in general aren't big. So there was a lot of everyone that had to have heels and they had to shoot it like Lord of the Rings. So people were close to the camera and yeah. You're always in the background, yelling at people. Always, yeah, that's so funny.

It looks like you're standing on a table. You're so small. I have to use bigger mugs, sit on massive chairs. It's all a perspective game. If you're a Gandalf. Cool, should we try to answer a few more questions? Definitely. Can you talk like an American?

Can you do that? Is that part of your acting wheelhouse? That was the best. That was pretty good. On the show you have that accent. You have an English accent on the show? Yeah, yeah. You don't have to do that.

You don't have to do the Rose thing where it's like you have to pretend you're from America. Oh no, no, no. She does it so well. Do you remember the first, one of the first times we ever met Rose, she was living below us and she was running sides for an audition.

And living in LA, you're like, oh, everybody's an actor. And we didn't, it's just really depressing sometimes when you meet somebody who's a shitty actor and we didn't know anything about her. And we're like, oh yeah, we'll help you run these lines. Like, oh man, this is gonna be a disaster. And she came up and she just did this amazing American accent

for some crime drama. And I remember being like, oh, you're actually good. I was crying. Well, yeah, wanna feel good about yourself? Never fucking put Rose on tape. I do it in Vancouver. We, I'd seem to read with her a lot for some reason. We tend to just do her tapes.

And she just crushes every single one and just makes you feel so talentless. Well, she's like a real actor. Oh yeah, she's a friend. That's the difference. Her first role, she was on piano when she was a baby. Right. Or something like that.

We're just like comedy, like Jake and I is like, all right, let's, I hope I can memorize the words, right? Isn't that what it is to be an actor? Do you say the words, right? It's memorizing the words and saying them funny. For Rose, like, okay, that's the beginning. And now who's my character? And how do I like translate that to the screen?

How would my character react to this? Yeah. And then also. I just think if you follow your brows when someone speaks. Oh, that's good. That's good. It's like you're really thinking about what's going on. I got, do you remember the guy, Matt Walton, right?

He's the guy that played our boss and they were making your fired thing. He was saying, he gave me a really quick acting lesson. Cause it was the first time I was acting on anything that wasn't like a two minute internet sketch. And he's like, imagine you're being chased by a bear. Like, how are you acting? And I was like, I'm running, I'm screaming, I'm scared.

He's like, or he said, you're locked in a room with a bear, right? And I'm like, I'd be afraid. I'm cowering. I'm afraid of a bear. And he's like, no, you're, you're looking for the, for the, you're looking for the way out. You have to be like, you're concentrated.

You're thinking like, how do I get away? Oh, I didn't think about like my character's motivation of being like, get me out of the room with the bear. All I was thinking is like, my character in this moment is like, I'm screaming, my hands are in the air. And I don't know what to do. And action. And I get mauled by a bear.

That was an awesome commercial, by the way. Well, you get fucking destroyed by a bear. Yeah. That's acting. All right. Female name. Regina. Regina.

That makes sense. No, and Regina. Regina writes, hi, I'm Regina, a senior in high school, gross, I know. So into the story, I have a smallish circle of close friends and this past fall, one of my longtime second tier friends joined our group. Anyway, I've known this guy for forever

and never felt sexually attracted to him ever. Actually, I found him quite gross in the past and have been concerned about his oral hygiene. He's kind of a hopeless puppy dog we took in. I've always had a soft spot for him and made sure to include him in our plans. But here's the interesting part. I had a sex dream about him a few weeks ago

and I enjoyed it. This freaked me out and has completely changed how I see him. The day after this dream, I had a hard time looking him in the eye, but I found myself staring at him. The food I usually noticed in his teeth had disappeared. So some time, so some time passed and I slowly got over the awkward sexual feats.

I basically forgot about it. Then he invites me to go to the beach with him and another friend of ours and offers to drive. And for some reason, once I get into this car, I'm a horn bag and I have an extremely hard job keeping it in my pants. I'm very glad that our other friend was there or else I probably would have jumped him.

This was over spring break and now back at school, I don't know what to do. The weird sexual tension is back. I can't see a way we would casually mess around without my other friends finding out. I sound like such a horrible person, but I know they would judge me and I don't know if I have enough energy

to stand up for this dweeb I've been hooking up with. So please help me on this possible sexual adventure. Thanks, love, Regina. Regina, I love it. This question's great. Doesn't this sound like the guy wrote it in like a fantasy layer and he's like, there's this guy that I don't really like,

but recently I've been kind of attracted to him. I had dreams of him. Yeah, and now I want to fuck him a lot. It sounds like a dude wrote it. It sounds like it would keep it in my pants. I don't ever really hear girls say that. Keep what? You're a vagina?

This guy does have to come out. He does have to come out, but yeah. You know the secret where you put something out in the world and you hope it happens? So my theory is this guy wrote this about the girl and like, yeah, what if she had a hard time wanting to fuck me? She doesn't know and she's so conflicted about it.

But then this fucking knows he has food in his teeth. Yeah. I was just like, maybe he just brushed his teeth on one day, like that's, I just like, I love sex streams. They change everything. They do. They really make people that you would never be, you just get so curious.

Oh, interesting. I think sex streams are like the, I may be the key to the universe. Really? I feel like my mom must have had a sex dream about my dad because otherwise there's, my dad is this guy. He's a little, he's a mushroom man. My father is, yeah, he's moss.

He's a stool. He's a shrub. My dad is, he's a shrub and my mother is like a woodland fairy pixie, perfect woman. She's a model. Yeah. A model. Yeah. Anyway.

Sex streams had him. Oh yeah. And it's, it has, it's, and it's usually for me, it's, it's, I'm trying not to make eye contact with my girlfriend. She's usually with my girlfriend's mom. She's got a knife. I don't see her. It's usually with like, it'll always happen with colleagues.

Oh, like you have. Like it'd be someone at work who I couldn't take, like I couldn't stand and then we'd do some shit in my dream. It's always somebody that you don't on the, like daily have sexual fantasies about. It's somebody that like sort of is like deep inside your subconscious. Yeah.

And it's always good. Yeah. It's always great. Because it's your dream. Because it's your dream. You could do anything you want. And it's such a release too. I think that like, I've always had the weirdest wet dreams.

There was one that I can remember where this total nerd from my high school blew me. It was even less interesting than that. She was there. Oh, female nerd. Oh, yeah, yeah. She was like a real nerd. And like, I was not attracted to her, but she was there

and she told me to put my dick in a fence. Whoa. And I put my dick in a fence and it felt so good. And then I came and it was wet. I mean, yeah. So you didn't have this extreme about a nerd. You had it about a fence. Yeah.

And I think, and I still now to this day, I love porn some weird fandom domination where a girl tells me what to do. Was it like a picket wooden fence or like a gate? Like a chain like a gate? It was a wooden fence that had a little hole in it. Like a hole, like a knot. Yeah, exactly. A little knot in the wood.

Painted white or are we talking natural? It was all natural. Really, dude? Yeah, barely fit in the hole. I saw your recent porn search. It was big natural dot, dot, dot fences. It's so cool. And that's when you took up fencing, right?

I never had a wet dream. Never in your whole life? Yeah, that was one of the weird that I never had one. That skipped. Well, really? I had white jerking off, like where you just. Yeah, I think that's what it was prematurely. When you, if you're early to, some people, like,

I know you had a wet dream before you started master. That's right. I started masturbating before I had wet dreams. Oh, but you, so you still had one even though you were a masturbate? Yeah, cause like every once in a while, if I like, I would try to do things where like I gave up masturbating for two weeks. There was one time for 12 hours. I dated, I was dating a girl.

The worst thing in the world is when you have a wet dream sleeping next to your girlfriend, which just happened to be twice. Wow. And it's like, I know that I've had, I'm having a bad sex life and I have to get out of that relationship. Was it her in your dream or is somebody else? It was a fence. It was a fence.

It was a fucking door. Always chickening out. My loved ones with the fence. How many wet dreams would you say you've had in your life? Oh, tons. Literally 2,000 pounds worth. Just so many. Wow.

Yeah, you had to throw away a mattress. It was just cake through and significant. I've ever seen that Hawaiian punch commercial where they open a door and a guy surfs out on this wave of red. It was a day. Yeah, it is. It is overcoming. It is absolutely a tidal wave of semen.

So there's just one wet dream, but it was just empty. So much. You were flat in the morning. See, because I was such a big fat virgin when I was growing up and I was just so removed from the dating world. Like I didn't have a kiss until I was like 18, 19. Oh, wow. So what was happening was during my sex dreams as a kid,

I would get so excited that it was about to happen. I'd wake myself up. I remember that like it would be that it would be that girl from school and she'd unbutton her school shirt or whatever. And I'd be like, and I'd literally wake up. I've been there too. And that's so sad when that happens. You get so excited.

Do you remember who your first sex dream was with? Was it an actress? Was it a person? It was a girl at school. Oh, was? Yeah. Your first sex dream. Yeah.

And we're friends on Facebook, so I won't say her name because I probably post this on Facebook. And then. And then everyone's going to read it. Well, she might, because maybe she was having sex dreams about you. No, I wouldn't, also. Definitely not. Mine was with Robin Givens,

who is a character on ABC's Head of the Class. She's this African-American actress. She's 51 years old now. I feel like I should. What's her sign? Meeted her. Go tell us. I'm going to guess.

Taurus. Oh, I was going to say Taurus, but I'll say Sagittarius. Her car is a Taurus, but she's actually. What's November 27th? Sagittarius. Is that true? Yeah. Perwits for the epic win.

One for one, batting a thousand. Did you ever have sex dreams about actresses or was it mostly people that you knew? My first sex dream was I was in a pool. I've never told this to anybody. This is crazy. Maybe you shouldn't do it. You're right.

This is going to replace my virginity story. That's too special. My first sex dream. I was in a pool with Tiffany Amber Thieson and Mark O'Gostler. Whoa, Zach Morris was there too. And somebody, I want to say it was Screech, but I bet it wasn't. It was like, you have a choice.

You get to have sex with either Zach or Kelly. And God, I chose Kelly. That was the fucking difference, dude. But in a dream, you really never know what you're going to go. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know yourself in a dream. And even also, what if I had chose Tiffany and they're like, all right, well, it's opposite day,

and now you're getting fucked by Zach. It was worth it just for the opportunity, sir. But then I had sex with Tiffany Amber Thieson in this dream. Oh, wow. I think to this day is the best sex I've ever had next to the fence. Yeah. Number one, fence. Number two, Kelly Kopowski.

What was this girl's actual question? I don't know if we answered it. Oh, should she go for it? She's trying to keep it in her pants. It sounds like she just is developing a crush on this guy. And that's fine. And that's OK. And she should see it through.

I think she should kiss him. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, because the problem is we were crush the whole dream or it could make her feel like actually the next levels would probably be I'd be comfortable. It's fine to fall for somebody. And it's like she's worried that other people are going to think

it's the other people might not share her opinion of the dude. We're all that kid. That's where we're like, go for it. Kiss him. This could be your opportunity, please. For the love of God, kiss this 15-year-old nerd. And also, he enjoys eating from the sound of it. This could be a benefit.

She could have a lot of fun with this guy. He might go down on her. And then your pussy will be his. It's just pubes in his fucking teeth. Oh, dear God. I think in high school, she's in high school. And high school, thinking what other people are going to think ruined so many potentially good relationships for me.

Like I broke up with a girlfriend that I liked because I heard a bunch of rumors that she might dump me. And when I was a sophomore, I was like hooking up with a freshman who I really had a crush on. And somebody else who was a sophomore was like, I can't believe you're hooking up with a freshman. I was like, well, I'm not anymore. And it's like, just do what you like to do

and not what everybody else is going to think because it's going to feel good for you. It's something that you want. But in high school, what other people think is everything? Public opinion. Oh, definitely. One of my biggest regrets at high school was I wasn't popular. I was known.

Me and my group of friends were known, but we weren't popular. What were you known for? It's been dickheads. You guys were just like, you were like the class clowns. Yeah, class clowns and like, so people knew who we were, but we weren't popular. So it wasn't for good reason.

I remember that. You were there for like comic relief and not for like, nobody wanted you hanging out all the time and nobody wanted to hook up with you. Exactly. But we were still known. But I didn't take drama at school. Even though I felt I could do it,

I never took it because I was, people made fun of taking drama. And it could have been my way in to everything, to unlock everything at high school. If I had done it there, I would have shined because I was good at acting. You would have been that person that other people would have been intimidated

to get on tape with instead of just Rose. But you're still obviously good at acting because you've booked out tape once. That's it. That's all it takes. You just gotta do it once. In this business, baby. All right, go for it.

What else do I say? That's it. I think we're out of time. How was that for you? It was everything. Is this your first podcast? Have you done podcasts before? I've done podcasts before.

Yeah, only recently actually. I haven't done, usually they were gaming based. Oh, are you a gamer? Massively, yeah. Oh, really? It's two hours of me talking about video games. But I haven't, this is like- What's your game?

Right now? Yeah. Oh God, I haven't played anything since I left Vancouver, but I was playing Metal Gear Solid and I'll play sport. I'll play everything. Wow, still. I think you will play everything. What's your system of choice?

Do you have a system? PlayStation 4. PlayStation 4, got it. It's the one. What video game do you think you've played more than any video game in the world? Like you've spent the most of your life playing. Oh God.

The one I can remember of the top of my head was a game called Red Dead Redemption, which was set in the wild. It's Grand Theft Auto in the Wild West. Do you know what I mean? Oh, that sounds cool. Cause you like your Grand Theft. Yeah.

And I love Deadwood. Same, oh my God. We could have talked about Deadwood this whole time. I'll start at Deadwood. Let me stop and then we'll re-record. Only about Deadwood, that's actually. But I played that so, and then my buddy was a big fan and we grew up watching Westerns and Deadwood and stuff.

So we went online and all you would do online is like pick flowers and hunt. Take Oregon Trail. We would do eight hours a night. Just picking flowers. This cactus we had to collect and we had to kill this bear. I'll skin these rabbits.

Wow. And that's it. And we did that for like 60 hours. Damn. I want to get into gaming. I feel like I'd like it. I think you'd love it. I'm gonna try.

Yeah, you do need a hobby. Yeah. One that's as useful as gaming, I think is a good one to pick up. Sweet. All right. All right. If you have your own questions or your own theme song,

the opening one was written by David is awesome. This closing one is written by Ethan, you're Borg. The email for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com. Roll, do you have anything to plug before you go? Yeah, working people find you. Oh, just at Raul Coley 13 on Twitter and every sort of app and Snapchats and 13. Oh, it's 13?

Cause it's November 13. Just cause November, there you go. All right. And Taylor Swift. Apparently that's her one as well. Oh, really? Really, 13? No big deal.

Yeah, cause it's just Taylor Swift 13. I always say it's cause of that. Cause she stole it from you. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. We got beef, you know. We'll be back next week. Unfortunately without Raul,

but we'll have you back soon enough. Definitely. People are gonna love this shit too. It's an absolute pleasure. Thank you guys for having me. Of course. Thank you for coming. See you guys soon.

Make a tinder. I'm wearing me unbeased. But I stopped getting nature advice. That's a problem. Cause I'm way too broke to pay. But I didn't meet yet today, no. These two dudes saying if I were you got real better hope that I won't sue.

Last one didn't end like a shit of Jake. On blast and he still won't get fake. Get Milana back on for god's sake. I'm in another place waiting for the other space. Swipe right for the 10 cent piece, kids. Right? We can get Ben Schwartz if you wanna have at it. We can get two mids up in Silicon Valley.

Everybody's got a show when you begin. You already eight episodes left and you want more money, eight episodes left. Jake and Amir, if I were here, if I were you, if that were true, it's not true.