If I Were You - 216: Cool Snack

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

In this episode we discuss coffeeshops, immortality, and partying with your dad.This episode is brought to you by HeadSpace and MeUndies!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

His name is Jacob, love's his mama, Amir is his partner in crime These two dudes sharing their wisdom and giving some needed advice It's if I, if I were you to show If I, if I were you to show Starts now That could melt my little heart Really, easy listening The little I sickle my heart is

That is, I love that song Uh, that lady who made that song is named Shirley, last name XU, how do you pronounce that? Shirley Zhu Zhu Zhu Zhu Zhu I said Zhu

XU I think Zhu, I don't know Uh, I guess you could call it a parody of Free Fall and she says, but it actually ended up sounding nothing like the original But the, yeah, I mean whatever, it sounded beautiful, it sounded better than the original Honestly, Tom Petty dropped the ball when he didn't make the song about us What? I'm serious, how do you figure that? I think I might be a little petty for wanting him to have made the song about me, but I guess I might not have been around when he wrote the song

But I think you should really Don't brush it off like, that's why he didn't write it about you Cause he's written songs since he've quote unquote been around Yeah, but not really since I, I mean maybe since I've been born, but I don't know if he's like, knows who I am He doesn't Don't say you don't know if he knows who you are And even if he did know Careful cause you might say something hurtful that you can't take back

What's hurtful that I don't think Tom Petty Has written songs about me Has written Don't back down Do you think that's about me or do you think that's about some other shit I think that's about being resilient Standing up to the elements Right, so that's why I was thinking maybe

I don't think it's about you Okay buddy Let's start the show Sure Shirley, thank you from Canada, much love Beautiful song This is If I Were You, it's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir

I'm Jake And last week we recorded an episode Saturday night I was trying beer for the first time Loved it, you hated it A lot of people said, oh don't try IPAs, IPAs aren't good Then people said, fuck that IPAs are the best, you suck, they actually are good It turns out I guess the way things taste is subjective Some people like IPAs, some people don't

Right, how about drinking a Corona or something Well that's pretty actually Yeah, something easy, like easy listening Like Shirley's song Right I think I'm just gonna not have beer That's cool too Yeah

That's cool But there are cool things that I like Like basketball Yeah, like basketball I can, I like when like dipping celery into hummus That's a cool little snack It's, I mean, no, it's not a cool snack What about baby carrots, is that a cool snack? I don't think there's a cool, maybe like an apple is the only cool snack

Green, right? Either or And do you wash it or do you just sort of brush it on your shirt? Oh, definitely a brush on the shirt And I don't think it could be a red delicious It's gotta be a Macintosh or a Granny Smith A crisp sour apple Yeah, crisp is for sure

And then the rubbing on the shirt, what does that do exactly? It sort of gets the dirt from your shirt onto your food That way you're eating your shirt dirt food Yeah Yeah, that way you're having shirt dirt Shirt dirt for food Another cool snack is Almonds

To sort of jigger around almonds in your palm And then you flick them into your hand, into your mouth Right, that's cool That's a cool food That's pretty cool Yeah, what's another cool food? Grape They're all right

Like picking grapes and again, it's all about the tossing into your hand So you're not actually placing it into your mouth You're just sort of, once again, shaking them in your palm And sort of just tossing them Yeah, anything you can toss, like almond or a grape But not an M&M because that sort of shows that you're weak will Yeah, because when you do the, what's it called? The shaking, the palm shake

Shaking the toss up in an M&M Yeah, that sounds like, it sounds like a tic-tac container Yeah Are tic-tacs a cool snack? I don't think so Neither What's another cool snack? I don't know, man, we came up with three

What's a non-cool snack? Tuna Eating tuna out of a can Squeezing mayonnaise into the can And eating tuna with a plastic spork That's not necessarily cool Yeah, definitely not All right, so this podcast is all about what foods are cool, what foods are not

Anything new in the world of cool food Like a new fruit or something that's out there Eating kiwi with a spoon A pear, is a pear a cool food? A pear is pretty cool It's almost like an apple A plum, a peach Yeah, any nut fruit

Any stone fruit Yeah, but the problem with those is that like a peach and a plum can be a little too juicy So you like take a bite and then all of a sudden it starts coming down your chin Well, it all depends on who's eating it You have to lean over Damon's not drooling fucking peach juice down his chin You think Damon has like a good suction cup on a plum Like he bites it and sucks the juice

None of it's on his chin at all Yeah, I thought you meant like he dribbles the juice down Oh no No, he's a clean plum eater Yeah And Damon when he tosses the almond or the grape, he gets a pretty good distance too You're like wow From his belt

Yeah, off his dick And he never has anything in his teeth either Right Like when Damon flosses for like just for show There's no like he doesn't have anything there He's got the pinkest gums you've ever seen Yeah Just healthy

Yeah, healthy pink gums Good night everybody No, this is an advice show It's an advice podcast People will email us at a fiery show at gmail.com Seeking our guidance You know, this is our, it's been three years This is our three year anniversary show

And happy anniversary Thank you Okay I was gonna Keep on going, make you feel a little special Wow, you got me something I feel like a jerk I'm so sorry

Oh no, no, no, nothing Drop a diamond ring behind my chair That was pretty cool you dude I do appreciate it I got you a bracelet Thank you, I don't quite need it but I appreciate it I got myself one too, all you have to do is Venmo me I'm not gonna do that

800 bucks I know Yeah By the way, I saw the receipt and it was for 430 You wanted me to pay for both gifts I thought you should Asshole So after three years, we're pretty much on our way to becoming experts

So I understand why people trust us Yes So these are emails from real people As always, we're gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity You got it These are questions that I chose without you Yeah, I have not heard these questions Do you wanna read them?

Oh sure Alright, I'm gonna give you one right now We'll call this guy What's another headgum podcaster's name We'll call this guy Dan Klein Cool So Dan Klein writes Hola amigos

Classic I have liked this girl for a while now And she just got out of a relationship We've always had a special connection And we both know if we start hooking up We would probably end up only hooking up with each other Which I would be very happy about The one problem is that she knows this

And because she just got out of a relationship She wants to sleep around a bit before she settles down again Which I can respect The problem I have is my friends keep telling me That she wants to hook up with a couple people And my close group of friends Which I would be kind of upset about Cause I really like this girl

Do I have the right to tell her not to do that? I'm hoping my friends also won't be complete assholes Since they know I like her But I'm not entirely sure how to make sure this doesn't happen Thanks Dan Klein So this girl wants to sew some wild oats Before settling down with Dan Much respect, much respect

And this guy doesn't have a problem with that Dan is the man He's like do your thing girl I'll be here I'm waiting and she's like well actually A couple of people I want to sew these wild Oats with are your close bros And he's like alright well that's a pill

I don't think I can really swallow Right now As it so happens I wouldn't like that So it's funny cause it seems At least a little bit like he's overstating His connection with this girl She knows that if we hook up We're just gonna start dating

He wants to hook up with all my best friends You know how a girl's always wanting to fuck your best friends First, I'm interested in dating you But I should really sleep around with your friends And then get together If you want to be my lover you gotta get with my friends That's what that song's about It's funny because it doesn't really mean anything

And yet it means a lot If somebody secretly hooked up with all my friends And then started dating me and I never found out I would never know, I would never care Like goofing on your ass Oh yeah, there's a ton You can't ever be mad at a friend And then he always has the trump card of

Yes, that being said I did fuck your wife I fucked your wife before I don't know what you want me to say I think it's extra bad if like Two of your friends could say The three of us are Eskimo brothers Yeah, with your wife Yeah, I think it's

It's a little bit of a bummer It's weird because he would rather her Just like fuck five strangers Than the five guys he knows Yeah, fuck two ad bill and call me in the morning You know that all phrase Would it be a deal breaker If a lady that you had a crush on

Blew me She said, I said Call me Bloomy because she blew me I mean if a girl that I like Hooked up with you and then Took up with me, I think I would probably Not do it Just because I've soiled her

I think maybe because It could have been because of the way You're talking about Bloomy But yeah, I don't know I would just probably Be less attracted to somebody If they hooked up with a bunch of my friends And I think, I don't know

I shouldn't feel like that, but I do Right, and then think of it the other way around You think a girl Whatever, or a guy would ever tell A girl that like, hey I really like you But I'm gonna hook up with your friends The friends would never do it I think I would hook up with

Somebody that you had hooked up with I wouldn't care about that But I'm not sure I would really fall for that person Start a relationship I don't know how seriously I could take somebody After she had hooked up with No offense, but my ugliest friend Who? What?

You're one of my uglier friends Uglier or ugliest Well, I'm trying to think If I have any friends, I definitely know People who are uglier than you Certainly know some that are more busted than I Well, I'm not friends with anybody uglier than you But I know there are uglier people

In the world Name one, baby, I'm all ears I think Donald Trump is a very hideous looking man And would you say he's less attractive than me I think personality wise Is better than you He's a bit more likable somehow Nice, nice

Dig deeper then Name someone who's uglier than me They can be any age I hate that I have to specify But yeah, let's go any age Do you know That guy Sumner Redstone Yeah, he's 94

You and him are same Okay, so we're inching closer Bottom floor I don't think, yeah Actually, your latest girlfriend Blue Sumner Redstone Now you're doubly fucked So does this guy have the

Jurisdiction to tell her not to do that I mean, she's already done it It's already happening Can he say, hey, I'm not going to Say they're off limits, that being said If you hook up with my friends, I don't want to be with anyone As soon as you say someone's off limits Then they are so much hotter

So I think you just got to be like I think the key is to just Become uninterested in this girl Oh, so to Change your brain Yeah, because as soon as he stops caring Then it doesn't matter who she hooks up with And then as soon as it doesn't matter who she hooks up with

That's when he's going to look a little bit more attractive That would be a fun little Movie short film where a guy Creates this thing where he can choose Who to have a crush on So instead of like, I don't know, I'm falling for her And I wish I could do something about it But it's like, oh yeah, you can just turn it off

And then you turn it on Dial it back, look at somebody else Lock it in, dial it up Which is how you say you sort of live your life Live your life It seems like you live your life Constantly being struck by Cupid's arrow You have a crush on this person, a crush on this person

Then it goes away, then it comes back Up, down, left, right, all around No rhyme, no reason, just who's there, who's available But the arrow is just a glass of alcohol Are you talking about me specifically? Yeah, Cupid's quiver Doesn't really need to be An arrow for I

It's more just like a shot of whiskey Yeah And an idea And I've become a little Cherubic angel baby boy A sip of rye in a Drake song And I am proposing To anybody that will listen

I'm down to fuck a cucumber if it's Two drinks and two songs, I saw that I did see you fuck a cucumber earlier Not in the way anybody's speaking I penetrated it Straight through the middle Like a Lincoln log, it was amazing So what do you think?

I think maybe this guy can at least Tell this girl like, hey, do whatever you want But just know that if you hook up with my friends I don't think I want to be with you Then maybe she can at least Make an educated decision Right You're not telling her not to be, you're saying

Babe? It's me or them If they have that type of relationship Then it makes a little bit of sense But you could also wait until she hooks up with one of them And then be a little cold and then she'll be like What's the matter? And then you're like Oh, nothing, I just don't care about you anymore

How do you like that? I took this pill Alright Next question This one is from Was that last one? Yeah, last one's from a dude So let's do this one from a lady A lady podcaster we can use Laura Lane

Hell yeah, dude Jack Amos My name is Laura Lane I'm a senior in high school And I've been a fan since I was measly 12 years old And I can't even explain the impact you guys Have had on my life I've written a few times but I definitely need help

On this So there's this coffee shop that I love And I often go into in my free time One of the guys that works there is an absolute specimen And he is extremely friendly to me And often makes conversations and jokes with me About a drink that shares my name These flirty conversations

Usually last anywhere from 2 To 10 minutes So I felt confident that he was interested in me I was downtown for a farmer's market With some friends just a few blocks away from the coffee shop It was close to closing time So I figured it would be a good time to go in there And ask for his number

I went in and he greeted me very sweetly Said hey and I said hey I totally forgot to get your name and number Last time I was in here He laughed and gave me his name and number And proceeded to ask me about my night I texted him later that night and I said Hey this is Laura Lane

Thanks for still giving me your number after that Super suave pickup line And then he said well I was way too flattered Not too, I don't think I've ever been picked up In that way, off to a good start right We proceeded to text for two more days Things like where are you from Just basic getting to know you stuff

He told me he recently moved here And I said why did you move here And he never replied I don't understand I don't think anything was going wrong Do you guys have any ideas as to why he wouldn't reply To my last question I think he was into me but maybe I was reading

Too far into it Should I text again Should I go into the coffee shop and say something Any advice would be greatly appreciated Thanks for everything Love Laura Lane It was clear to me Do you know

He has a girlfriend Really? Yes So he let it go this far To stroke his ego And eventually he had to cut it off And it could have been any text He was too much of a coward to ever say anything He liked the feeling

Of the phone vibrating He liked having somebody pine after him He liked the attention He liked feeling wanted The courage to straight up say I have a girlfriend But when it was time To finally say it That's when he

Realization struck and he said I can't do this and he's up responding He said nothing at all And that says everything And with what percent certainty are you That he has a girlfriend? A thousand Alright

So let's say even if you're 99.9% Sure Absolute certainty Is it worth that one in a thousand chance No For her Sorry Is it worth that one in a thousand chance

No Sorry It seems like it's coming out involuntarily But let me at least finish the question I want you to Should I start even after that Because I feel like when I say the word chance That's like some sort of mental trigger

No Let's skip ahead So pretend I said One in a thousand chance Okay, wait a second To text this guy Because what if He doesn't have a girlfriend

Sorry What if he didn't get that text What if he is still interested What are the odds that he Will eventually With this girl if she texts him again Um He has a girlfriend

And if he doesn't So do you suggest her texting Anything or playing Are we at an age anymore where texts Don't go through sometimes No, it's pretty much always You'll get them Yeah, I think we're almost to the point where people can't say

Hey, I didn't get it I didn't get that text You know what I've gotten a couple of times Like hey, for whatever reason This app never notified me Does that ever happen like an app didn't notify Yeah, maybe so But sometimes when you're using it

The notification comes at the top and not on the lock screen Yeah, you know what else is kind of weird Is like Sometimes you'll get a Notification on your lock screen But like if you swipe down As you're looking and it goes to this Random date screen

And then you go back up And you don't see it That being said, this guy has a girlfriend Definitely So what's the move for her To never respond Ever I guess if she wants

It sounds like it's eating away at her a little bit She wants some sort of clarity And I think what you want to advise her Is to send one more text Yeah, why not one more text She has nothing to lose, she's already at zero So it can't go worse from there Boom

Going in to the coffee shop Ever again Not until he at least responds to this next text What if he doesn't respond to the next text You can never go back to the coffee shop Then I would like get all of your Hottest friends together and go back And make him feel like kind of an ass

Hottest guy friends Just like the sexy, sexy crew Go in and don't even say hello to him What do you say Coffee, black honey Ever heard of me Black as your heart, you son of a bitch Piping hot

You can pour it down the front of his shirt Piping hot like my sexy crew You're not here with anybody Your card was declined Was it? It was an IMAX purple like your heart What are you talking about I don't know

I don't know anything So Somewhere in the Either never text him ever again Going to the coffee shop casually Like this conversation never happened Or fire that one last bullet Although things are desperate

If a guy really wanted to He would not only Like even if he didn't get it He would have responded again I agree That being said I mean go for it I don't think it's gonna work

That you're seeking Move cities, go to a different coffee shop Marry somebody else After having a long life Walk back to the coffee shop Hope that guy is still working there In some capacity The old janitor

You're 80 years old You have your grandchildren with you Tony's your grandchild Tony, do you see that man over there That cocksucker That's the man that broke your granny's heart What are you gonna do about it You little pervert

And then you're pushing the 5 year old kid To take action To do something And also this point the janitor is Also a grandfather Tony, blinded by rage How could you hurt my granny What did you do to her

He picks up a fork And he starts stabbing his thighs And thigh meat and his knee meat And his shin bone And goes to town on everything From the waist down All of a sudden Tony, we realize Is the spawn of Satan

Your grandson is a devil boy He's a little damey You say that's enough Tony He turns around with the fire of Lucifer in his eyes You see the fork glisten in the sun And you realize oh my god I'm next He's at your throat scraping your eyeballs

You're saying Tony, Tony how dare you And then That is then the last thing you see Before you die is your sweet Little grandson's hands Clawing At your face You've done this to me

El Diablo, no, no How do you think My sweet little boy You think she's like an Italian lady Got it Alright cool let's take a break Thanks for more sponsors And then we'll be back with more questions after this

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Thank you, Squarespace I said hey what's up hello So you're pretty as soon as you came in the door So you're pretty as soon as you came in the door I just found a spot for us to roll I just found a spot for us to roll Mary to the money I don't even let go

And I get high with my baby I get high with my baby I be at the mall I'm getting fly with my baby Is that what he says? Yeah, cool, pretty sure Lonely and horny Season one, completely available

People still buying it, people still enjoying it People can officially binge watch the thing With the special features at the end That's right, if you buy the whole season You can rent the season, but if you buy the season You can watch it for as long as the The heck you want, and then there's also A 15 minute making of

Behind the scenes feature Of Jake, me, the cast, the crew Having fun joking around Basils in it, gabris is in it That's a good time I think we're close to some like milestones For Vimeo, so Every little action helps

We've been sitting on 15 bucks Waiting Commiserating For the perfect moment Can we recommend now? Yeah, please We recommend now Somebody had an awesome idea in our subreddit

That We release a podcast episode A bonus podcast episode That's just audio commentary for the show So it'll allow people to watch The entire series With our commentary Oh, that's fun

When we wrote the episodes What we were thinking during the episodes Little stories from the shooting of those episodes Correct About the house, the car, the dog park The class location We are filled with stories It was two weeks of our lives

That we hadn't really ever talked about So that could be a good idea Maybe we'll do that in the next week or two Yeah, it'll be fun Solid move for our subreddit Jake's been snapchatting a lot That's been fun Jake demand 85

Do you regret the name yet? I regret it, yeah, every time I have to say it Jake demand 85 Yeah, I think I don't know if I talked about it on the podcast before But the reason I have such a dumb name Is because I was embarrassed When I first had snapchat

Yeah, because it was more like a personal one-on-one thing Like a way to broadcast to many fans Yeah, I mean when I first downloaded Snapchat it was entirely a way To like just get nudes from people That I met on Tinder Nudes with a Z? N00DZ

Nudes from noobs So I didn't want it to be my name Because I was like, oh no It was sort of like a purvy app Yeah, that's not me who's receiving that Nudes But now it's like Basically creating content again

Yeah, actively trying to get people to find you Right, so like we're trying to make Funny videos that people see So I should have just had Jake Hurwitz We're on podcasts and like TV shows And you have to be like That's Jake da man

85 Jake demand 85, baby Oh, we didn't talk about at midnight We were on at midnight That was a fun little day of ours And I were on the Comedy Central show at midnight Last Monday And...

You can still watch it if you go online Yeah, you can watch it on ComedyCentral.com Just search at midnight Jake Amir and Kate Makuchi She was really great too Yeah, she's got a Vimeo special out Hell yeah, check them out You won

Yeah, I became king of the internet after How was that? It was pretty exciting When I went on there, I wanted to win I saw you offering Chris Hardwick the host Like 30 bucks right before we went on stage Right, and he took it and that's why I won Oh, is that what it is? Yeah

It's like arbitrary points but he can give you a little more Right, yeah, yeah, well actually the strategy Which I learned From one of the writers there named Ify Shout out Shout out to Ify The strategy is to just Basically

They let everybody buzz in during The hashtag war segment So I was just Constantly pressing on my buzzer So he called on me After Kate was done My buzzer just immediately went off After you were done, my buzzer immediately went off

So I just got to Give a lot more answers And there's no No matter how bad your joke is He gives you points You get points every time you speak So you don't have to be funny, you just have to say a lot And so if you're

And also they cut a ton out of the show Yeah, they only use the funniest jokes Right, so I was just Fill it up with trash Because I remember at one point You kept buzzing and then they said Alright, we have to give you points But that's enough, like do you have another actual

Whatever But you are derailing the show There was one of my jokes That they didn't use and I forget what it was But anyway The joke that I had about the DJ Oh, yeah They took one of the DJs out

It was like sort of like this We had to introduce bad beatboxers Yeah, and I said This next DJ has a loving father, mother, aunt and uncle And they were all the same two people That's funny So more behind the scenes Jokes that we missed

That were cut out of AdMidnight On our separate podcast At 12.30 am Which we just drag people in after their AdMidnight appearance and we talk about all the jokes That they cut because they weren't quite good enough By the way, we should have Kate McCoochie on our podcast Note to self

Alright Anything else we didn't mention? Do we have any tours or anything coming up? We're going to Dublin and London Shows haven't been announced but I can just Straight up tell you the dates or like End of July and then August 2nd I think in London

Second or third? My birthday That'll be a year from When we were shooting the pilot What a difference a year makes Yeah, I can't believe we're on true TV Oh Or did we hear?

Oh shit man What's the good news? No news is good news Brother, you're dying What did they end up saying? Did they change their mind? Promise me that they did Promise me they changed their mind

Mama Mama, why is it so cold in here? Why do true TV say no? Mama Why am I dying before you mama? You deserve to die first It's not fair mama You should be dead first mama

That's very mean but I'm sorry to see you go as well You should come with me mama I don't know if I should come with you Please kill yourself too mama Go quickly mother So I can mourn you mother The way a little boy should mother Well that's not

I feel like we're forcing it Goodbye sweet mother I'm still here, I'm still fine Love you mama You gonna live forever baby That's why I love the most about you My mom's immortal That's awesome dude

That's really cool man I used to be nervous because I don't want to live without you But then I found out that she'll never die That's Very cool dude It's actually pretty neat My mom's a goddess She's gonna live forever

Alright That's awesome No it's really cool It's actually pretty amazing Pretty stellar I think she's the only one that can do that One of the things I want least in the world Is for her to go anywhere

So it's awesome that she promised me That she would And all I had to do was like Be a good little boy and do my chores And I did that and so that was my little reward So as long as I'm taking out the garbage Feeding the dog, being nice to my brother and my sisters My mom's not going anywhere

That's really cool You're describing religion And she'll live forever in the afterlife Alright, oh here's a question about Mommies and daddies We need another dude's name Yo baby bear My carnell

My carnell writes Meanwhile My dad is having a ball He's been staying at an Airbnb Note, he changed his profile picture To a shirtless pic on his Airbnb profile And he has presumably Been prowling around

For new meat if you know what I mean In a few months he's going to visit His friend who lives in a real hippie city On the coast They're going up to a music festival Whose clientele will be high school and gone 19 year olds He said he got me a ticket

And that I should come along Does this sound weird to you I really have no interest in going To a music festival with my dad I mean, I've got uni shit to do It seems like he's trying to establish himself As a cool dad friend But it makes me a little bit uncomfortable

And if this desperate search for a youth That never happened results in him dating Some young chick I don't know what I'm going to do I don't know what I'm going to do So I guess what I'm asking is Should I challenge him about his actions Or am I in the wrong here

Have you got any tips on making my mom Feel better and getting her back on her feet Thanks guys By the way, Lonely and Horny was great Can't wait for season 2 Whoo, gracias Hopefully we get a season 2 I'll tell you that

First of all I don't think the dad's trying to Like Establish himself as cool dad Like get this good relationship with his son I think his dad realized That he's not going to be able to get any of this young Pussy with his old friend

So he's got to bring the kid The kid will be a babe This dude is pure bait That's all it is He's a chick magnet Hopefully His child is the key to not getting arrested By the people at the

Yeah, I'm not a 49 year old single man With my boy I'm just trying to make sure my boy has a good time And if I get some Runoff secondary Go chat up that gal over there Let her know Your old man's going through some tough times

And show her my Airbnb profile Pick while you're at it I feel like Any break up This happens One person's fine because They've been waiting to get out of the relationship Like a little mum's

But then like it shifts Soon your mom is going to be like She's going to be over it She's going to be out there meeting new people And your dad's going to be like What did I do? I threw this all away I struck out at the music festival And now I'm back at home thinking about this kid's mum

There's an ebb and a flow And you just can't like You just got to take it easy I think I mean your dad Even though he's processing it In a annoying way I feel like he's still going through A big

A big transition And you shouldn't necessarily like Be mean and call him out Would you go to the concert though? Would you go to the festival? Would you go to Coachella with your daddy? No of course not but I would I mean well I might go with my dad because that'd be really funny for me

Because he's kind of like a pimp in some sort of regards Well because I feel like my dad would just He's sort of like A little A little hobbit boy but like He could toss the money around and all of a sudden Like we're staying in a cabana He's like if you put fucking

Coins quarters in a bowling ball And just like bolt it down the alley So it's like this bowling ball man that's spewing coins everywhere My dad is a pin He's a bowling pin He's a bit of a pin Would you say he's a pin? I wouldn't My dad's a dish towel

But me and Micah we go around Some people we bring him back to the house And Palm Springs all of a sudden Daddy's throwing dollar bills In the air we're having a party He's a pinata but with cash instead of candy Exactly I'm really, I'm trying to like

It's a little tough Because you probably don't necessarily want to be like Hey dad this is great behavior You want to challenge him a little bit I realize that you're going through some shit I want you to go and have fun at this concert But you know I don't really want to be around it

It doesn't make me very happy to see I have to take care of the saddest person First before dealing with you I got to be there for mom And I feel like maybe that's a little harsh For your old man to hear But also maybe he does need to hear it And then any advice for dealing with the mom

Once she gets through Seinfeld I don't know what do you think Friends, Frazier maybe News radios kind of A Roseanne's pretty funny Mom some single friends You think the mom's ready What's that? You think the mom's ready

Oh I don't mean like single friends Like dating, I mean like Single women friends Like other divorcee things or something Not like that I love that You are so brave And then they come over watch Seinfeld

Maybe the masturbation episode And they scissor each other You're always angling to have people Scissor Scissor with a scissor I think that you just got to get your mom Off the couch and making friends That's the key

The show friends First friends then real friends Then real housewives But it's going to take time They were together for a long time I can't imagine what it's like breaking up with someone That you've been with for longer than I've been alive I can't comprehend what it's like

For a time that's over 33 years I can only understand My current lifestyle My timeline I think anytime anybody breaks up It's like you break up because You have to break up So like the sadder thing at that point

Once people have broken up It's sadder if they fight And stay together when they shouldn't I like that It's a really good tip She's liberated She's out of the relationship that wasn't making the two of them happy And honestly Seinfeld is a great show

So like there's a lot worse things you could be watching Yeah George is super funny George is great Kramer is just on point And to have Elaine there Is amazing It's murderers row Everybody's bringing it And this is Dan

Putty is really good too Alright that's it That's our time Best of luck to y'all If you have your own questions For everything If ever you show at gmail.com Again thanks to everybody that's bought our Vimeo web series

Lonely and Horny And if you haven't bought it I think I'm ready to scold you Yeah So you are You're a non-fan to me You are a zero and no big man Bad boy or bad girl

You've been a nasty little fan Suckling off my dick For far too long You can go to hell Go to hell with you Dude if you have been scolded into buying Lonely and Horny Tweet a screenshot of the receipt

Hashtag Scolded into purchasing Hashtag my face when A podcast host makes me Feel like a nasty little boy So much that I had to buy a web series Devious Devious imp

No thank you everybody that's purchased it Just consider it you can watch the first episode for free Then make a decision The opening theme song is written by Shirley Zhu, Zhu, Zhu, Xiu And this last one Is Roger and Monica with a K With an original tune

Called Bitches Love Cheese Fuck yeah We'll be back very very soon you guys You won't even miss us We'll be back so soon Adios We were you Ten mother fucking pennies

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