If I Were You - 218: Choking

Episode Date: May 30, 2016

In this episode we discuss auto-erotic asphyxiation and sibling lookalikes.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, HeadSpace, and TheTracker!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Yet, here's another rap intro To the podcast by Nia and the Texting Grow with crappy jokes and messy quotes From dated songs that give it up for fans at the Crap King Yo, the hosts are these two cruel Jews They started up on college, human, YouTube dude Seize the cheese and you do you If I had to pick one, I wouldn't know whom to choose

If I were you, then I would shoot An email to them to tell you what you obliged to do Even though it might seem cruel They connect us all like a motherfucking hyphen dude Of course, I'm talking about Jake and Nia If you're having a problem, then they're taking the wheel You may think it's real When they give you advice, they just make fun of you

So grab a tissue and cry They're gonna pull you so far down Into the podcast ground, before we knew The show starts now British street rap Am I correct? And if not, please tell me that I am Because I don't know if I can handle being wrong right now

Not again This guy's actually named is Luca And he's from Luxembourg German I believe Luxembourg is its own country What? Yeah That was such a genuine

Wait, wait, what? Really? Slow your roll Where is that country located? It's in between two other countries in Europe It's like a small little island nation Should I look it up? Not an island, I should say

It's like, it's squeezed in between I'm so baffled So Luxembourg Bordered by Belgium, France and Germany Hmm Yeah Pass What?

I don't buy it See, it's really small Comparatively See, France is all this Belgium is all this Germany is all this And then Luxembourg is this little country Squeezed in the middle

And only this guy lives there Yeah, his name is Lux Luxembourg His dad's name is Borg But no, his name is Luca So thanks Luca for sending that theme song Let's see, his name is Luca Tonar You may need to specify with the weird spelling

And I'd like to have a shout out to my homeboy Manu I love what you're doing And I can't wait for future projects Do you think he means us or that he's talking That's all the shout out to Manu Yeah, that's still Manu What a weird way to reach Manu That was a cool Euro rap song

Yeah And imagine, what if he was from like a real country That'd be so cool Yeah Like Belgium Oh my god Can you even imagine if he was in German Would be such a huge upgrade from Luxembourg

Yeah If he was French Luxembourgeois I wonder, if you're from Luxembourg You probably get this all the time Which is like, wait, what is that country? Why is it a country? Yeah

Why isn't it just France? Why are you even here? Yeah Just party Yeah, like why is it good for you to be here for this But we apologize And if you think about it, we're kind of We're highlighting the Luxembourg ignorance

And then illuminating, letting people know Because I bet it's not just us that doesn't know about Luxembourg If you think we're trash talking Luxembourg right now Then you better give yourself a reality check Because all we did was just talk about your shitty country For like 10 lucky minutes So like, you didn't hear me say shit about Or Canada, or whatever

Yeah, all those countries are the K Yeah Yeah, we're talking about your fucking Congratulations is what you should be You hijacked the podcast, Luxembourg Exactly what you fucking wanted And that's it The opening theme song was by Luca

This is fucking crazy Do we spend an hour talking about Luxembourg? No, as of right now, 4 minutes Alright, well let's move on I wonder if, maybe that's where we should go Because we're talking about where we should go after Ireland and London Yeah Since we're doing shows in Ireland and London

That's fun Let's let the audience in on our little internal debate Yeah We always, we oft, I guess both times we've been To Europe for shows, we've extended our trip To travel a wee bit Yeah, to learn a bit about Non-Luxembourg countries, but let's say like

An Iceland or a Berlin, a Germany Yeah, so this year We're talking about a few places And I, for instance, I want to go to Croatia Or Lisbon Portugal Yes Yeah

And Amir wants to go back home immediately I want to go to Van Nuys I want to come home to Torrance And see my mommy Or, no, I wanted to go to Amsterdam Or perhaps Barcelona Yes Those are my one and two

Right Amsterdam because I feel like it'll be a fun place to experience for a week And then we don't ever necessarily have to come back I hear you can do it all It's not that huge of a place And I've heard you can do it all in two days Toe dot to you Amsterdam Use a regular Luxembourg if you ask me

Luxembourg you can do in 24 minutes Yeah Don't be a Luxemdork, all right Go to Amsterdam But if anybody out there has had some favorite places they've been Let us know How would they let us know? I guess it'd be a Twitter

Or if I were you I feel like not a lot of people are actually going to respond to it I bet they will They'll recommend the country that they live at Oh, yeah, that's true How about you can't say your own country Well, unless you live in Croatia You're like, oh, I have a dope ass yacht that you can come party on

Tweet at us Jake and Amir, Jake Hurwitz, we're all ears But we really have to decide soon This is getting ridiculous Right What the fuck is this? This is actually our first podcast Well, this is if I were you

The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir Nice dude Thanks dude This is our first podcast in our new studio This is that was the inaugural hand And then, yeah, the first half in our new studio Damn, that's cool

We have a new HGHQ We've taken photos, put it on our Snapchat You put it on your Instagram Damn true Whether you've seen it or not We have an office and a studio right now in downtown LA How many places would you say we've recorded this show in? Oh man

Just houses To get here To get here We got Williamsburg in Brooklyn, my house, my apartment We got your apartment in Williamsburg The one in the basement? Yeah, that's two Rec room

Shatter rec room We did at least one podcast in a hotel room in New York Yeah, that's four And we did another one at the college humor office in New York That's five We also did one at the basement at the shrubberbs The Bushwick Place you were doing Oh yeah, wait, so did we

I don't know if we ever did one in my Williamsburg loft Did we? Oh yeah, we did That echoey one that I hated Okay Six Then we went to LA We did one at my parents' house

I'm sure more than one at my parents' house when we were living there Yep That's seven We also did one Didn't we do one on the road in the RV? Or in a hotel on the way across the country Yeah, like Nashville or something or in Austin We've done several in hotels

That's eight I don't even want to count live shows Right, of course Then we did our house in Silver Lake That's nine Our house in Santa Monica That's ten That was the John Wolf episode

I remember doing one over there We also did the other one in Silver Lake Yeah, I love it I wonder if this is exciting for anybody Because we lived in Silver Lake in four different houses Yeah Oh, the carpeted house Remember when Rose came on

She complained about how carpeted that house was The carpet in the bathroom Yeah, there was carpet in the bathroom and on the toilet And the toilet seat cover was also carpeted And inside the toilet it was a carpet Yeah, and every time I took a shit And every time I closed my eyes My eyelids were carpeted

Every time I closed my eyes And then That's twelve I mean, where else did we even Where else did we live? And then our latest place in Los Feliz That we're moving out of is thirteen And this is like fourteen

And I'm sure we've forgotten at least ten I guess just like in terms of places That the podcast has been based Yeah It's pretty fun to see it go from the Tal Fort In your one bedroom to this like Cool downtown office Well, it's been three years for Christ's sake

It's about time We started it when I was just turning I think, wasn't I twenty now? I was, I just turned thirty You were twenty-seven God, and how much we've changed My opinion on everything is completely topsy-turvy Yeah

It's true I was engaged I was married for a bit You are still married now You have children I have children And then I became a thin divorcee I became a thin little man

Describing yourself as a thin man Describing yourself as a thin is so funny I became thinly Remember when I thinned myself? Yes, yes, I was quite thin I went through a year or two Where I became thin I thinned me

I curse you thinner I curse you thinner Not a curse if you ask me I mean Winner, winner, chicken thinner Very nice Very nice, dude So, why don't we fucking break this shit open

Let's crack a bottle of champagne on this studio It's not completely built No, we don't have the soundproof foaming up yet So it'll sound even better if you can imagine that Soon enough But why don't we crack open this first episode In our new studio Why don't we give these names

About streets that we used to live on in LA Now that we don't live on them anymore We can out ourselves We need a guy's name Michael Terana Michael Terana Michael Terana writes Allow me to jump right in

I went home recently and hooked up with this girl I'd been flirting with for a while We didn't waste much time chatting And quickly went back to her place to climb into bed The sex was great Except one exception Sorry, with one exception She was into choking

Several times while we were While we were going at it She would extend her arms and wrap her hands Tightly around my throat Cutting off circulation to my head I was kind of shocked And then would quickly switch position Into one where she would be forced to lose her grip

Without me saying anything I'm going home again soon And this girl really wants to hook up again And I would totally be down except for the whole Not being able to breathe while fucking her thing What should I do? Love, Michael Terana Ooh, it's a fun question

Yeah The choking thing I've never experienced the other way around Usually it's like Ooh, will you do that to me? I've never heard like Ooh, I'm into choking So I'm gonna strangle you

Yeah I think that's kind of the weird thing about choking Yeah, she doesn't like to be choked She just likes to shrink Like, why can't she just give you an Indian burn? But like, I mean, even when you do like choking somebody It's weird because like I feel like if I was

I'm like a little into choking sometimes But like, if I was really into choking I don't think I could just Leap in Because it's kind of a dangerous seeming thing Especially for the first time you're hooking up with someone It's how you kill people Yeah

It's how you made people dead in the 1300s And I like When I've done it in the past I also, I Hate talking about sex while it's happening Oh, really? I really hate having conversations about like What's gonna happen

What about any like little dirty things? Like, oh yeah, just like that Oh, baby, that's good I love when people say that stuff to me But I don't But you're never gonna say anything I mean, I sometimes say The words that you were saying

Sound like stuff that I would say Maybe without that cadence Right Oh yeah, baby Yeah, I say it like I'm learning English From a flash card But yeah, I'm like kind of quiet And I really hate like discussing like logistics

So to say it like If we're hooking up like Hey, I like to choke a little bit I'll be like gentle and I'll go with, you know, whatever I don't like to do that So like what I would do is sort of Creep my hand like near someone's collar bone And I feel like that's sort of like

Now they understand what I'm thinking about Yeah And if they like it Then they like put my hand on their throat Oh And if they don't Then nothing happens Of course

And that's fine Yes I guess with this girl She probably feels like Maybe it's a little less threatening To sort of just start choking a guy Yeah, is she doing that Because she wants to be choked

Or she just That's one theory I think that is one theory Because I know in the past Sometimes Like a girl will bite or pinch Or like choke Because they like to be like restrained

And fought off I thought they pinched you Because that's your nickname The pinch? Yeah But I guess it really goes back to that Like everybody is different I'm different

Yeah, indifferent I'm a little bit You're scared right now Well, I'm just like I don't know how to say to somebody I don't want you to choke me I like the idea of him Switching positions

And then she constantly Just finds a new way to choke I guess doggy style Is just what you have to do She turns her entire torso She's flailing Reaching over her head I think what you can do

And like keep it kind of sexy Is like if she's choking you You can like grab her arms And sort of like pull them off you a little bit Oh Just to like clear your breathing pattern Yeah Or what if you say something non-sexy

Like hold on one second Give me a second to like catch my breath Like she'll be like start to feel bad Like oh wait hold on I just need to Sorry I just need to breathe For a fucking second Alright

I'm catching my breath now Because you were choking me Alright get back to what you wanted to do You think she'd go straight Alright perfect I don't know I think yeah I guess it's sort of

Probably what I would do in this situation Is like suffer through it a little bit But like at some point or another Like full on like Remove her hands from my neck Yeah And maybe like hope that That results in the post quiddle conversation

Of like was I choking you too much And then I would feel a little more comfortable To say like Yeah you know it was a little too intense I don't like getting choked that much Yeah because when I can't breathe It's like I feel faint of me And I can't do it very well

Well that's like that's just his opinion Because some people really Some people thrive into the choking you know But I've never heard of like I get off to choking others Usually it's like I like to feel that sensation Isn't that the whole autoerotic asphyxiation

What is the deal with choking Like why is it good to not breathe for a little I'm not entirely sure But you've only You've also only ever been like The dominant sexual partner with People who say choke me Right

You never like Do you think that it's guys that Choke and girls that get choked Oh That's a good question Like when it's girl on girl Or guy on guys Usually the bigger guy

Or the bigger girl that chokes I don't know Because I don't think that I've I don't really think I've ever been in the position Where somebody had their hands Like around my neck choked I've definitely been like Scratched, bitten, slapped

It's called Homer Simpson and you They say why you little Why you like Yeah I bet that wouldn't fly today Where they're like And then the father will choke his son Oh that's pretty severe

They're like way worse Shit on shows though Where people Like Rick and Morty Oh but I'm talking about like Network TV The dad was choking his son Family guy though

Family guy's pretty bad Do you think he would choke Stewie Stewie used to try to murder his mother Yeah that's true But that's more Freudian than anything else A reverse Freud Where a guy A baby's trying to kill his mother

And marry his father Fair So what should he do? I say he hooks up with her again She might choke you less this time But if it remains to be a problem I think you can You can still have sex with her

And avoid being choked And then if she If she chokes twice Shame on you Shame on you And you can And we'll figure something out I like the

Moving the position that he does I like the Moving her hands for a second To like Stop the Stop the mood And hopefully she gets the hint that way One other thing he could do

Is just die in bed What? If he's just dead Like if she chokes him and he dies Oh what if he pretends to pass out Yeah you like that And he's like You killed me

You killed me Yeah like choking on your own puke Also you should try coming While you're being choked Maybe it'll feel amazing What is that thing? Why is choking and coming? Like what is the correlation

Between those two even? If those people that like Autoerotic asphyxiation Do they also like Take big bites And don't chew very well Because they like getting off To like the danger of choking

That makes them If they eat a really big bite Of a cheeseburger It makes them come Just a little bit Whoa for a second Yeah we should probably have like An autoerotic asphyxiation person

Asphyxiator Do you Do you have any like Choking memories? Like as a kid Did you ever choke and almost die? No I never choked But I watched like

My little brother choke And I just remember My dad like Leaping up and Yeah it seems like It happens like once a year Where like a kid like chokes And like every

The adult salt Like I can just feel Hear the noise of like Silverware hitting the table And chairs scratching against the floor You just smack You get on the back until It's so weird

He's okay he's okay He's okay If I went Like if I was in a cafeteria And there was like a kid That started choking And I leapt up And smacked his back

Until he spit it out I would tell everyone Like hi I'm a hero I saved a life earlier And my dad And mom probably Saved us like A jillion times

Yeah I hear you're not You're somebody to Aw now And I don't remember the advice Is to push it down When like kids are choking Instead of trying to push it Pull it back out

Really Like if someone's choking On something soft Remember Lonely and Horny Shout out to Lonely and Horny Still available on Vimeo Complete season one There you go

There's a scene where I choke on a donut hole Yes And I had the theory That was like Sometimes it's better To shove it down Like through the passageway

Because the passageway is narrow So like that's the thinnest part But if it goes down or up You're like creating An oxygen flow But what if it's a I mean if it's a child You don't necessarily know

What they're choking on Right that's why It's usually emergency A screw goes down You push and then You do the tracheotomy Oh alright You'll do a little hole

At the Adam's apple And then a pen You suck out the fluid The ink and the blood And then you start breathing For them through their neck Through their trachea And that'll make them nut

And that'll get them off A little five year old buster He's also known as a buster So good luck dude This is what I call A good problem to have A hot bae wants to choke you In the sack

Oh did he say she was hot? A girl I've been flirting with For a while So at the very least He's hot to her Fine Are you mad? I'll allow it

Beauty's in the eye Of the beholder No Some people are ones And some people are nines I'm a ten Some people are ones And some people are nines

Nothing in between So you can only be one, a nine Or a ten I'm kidding man Everyone's a ten Except for the ugly people Then they're fucking ones Yeah or you're a five

Or there are a couple of numbers In between But I don't rank people Based on numbers Just based on their looks Is there a number Do you know what I mean? So yeah

You quantify people's At level of track No you can't do that Like it's so fucked up But I'm saying if you're hot Then you're a seven through a ten So that you are doing that No

No way No way Do you rank human beings Based on what? If you think they're hot or not If you think they're an eight Or a nine or a ten And if they are

That means they have a slam And body in a good face I guess I don't know Speaking against it Are you into it? Of course not Or I'm into it

Or whatever We got another question From another guy Okay Then his name is Lafayette Lafayette writes

I've been on Tinder For a while And I matched with this girl Who showed very big interest In me From the get-go After talking to her For a day

I got her snapchat And as soon as she sent me A picture I had a horrible realization She looks exactly like My sister I don't know what to do She's smart

And she's funny But I think I've lost all Interest in her romantically Should I tell her? What should I Should I be up front And saying that she looks Like my sister

And is automatically Disgusting to think of In a romantic way Should I make up an excuse Saying that we were Just not compatible Should I friendzone her And keep her around

Or should I just ghost her And disappear You guys are dope And I love your podcast Thanks Lafayette Should I friendzone her? Should I put her in the friendzone? I'm going to stow her away

In the friendzone Goodbye, forever my love She's going deep, deep, deep Into the friendzone Locking her in a basement Interesting I've had this problem before Really?

Yeah Which is weird because You look like your sister Yeah, that makes sense I actually, I bet people have had Well, I don't know I would think People have like

Maybe liked my sister And then been like Uh oh She looks like her brother Oh yeah Like I couldn't hook up With your sister Because it would be like

Making out with Jake Right, I guess that's why You couldn't But like if you met My sister first And then you met me It's like Oh, I couldn't hook up

With Jake Well, I can't hook up With any girl that has a brother Because that makes me A little bit gay Because like there's a Fucking dude out there That like shares

Your fucking genetic All of a sudden I'm getting plowed by it I think a dude Or a girl That basically is a dude Yeah, because they have The same fucking rents

So like I don't know if I'm going down Or if I'm sucking a dick Well even then If you think about that Dude, I think I love where you're headed But like

I'll take it one step further Like what if you have sex With a girl And she has a mom Which is obviously chill That's tight That's fine Because that's like

A woman But then she has a father Okay So you know that Your fucking came from a dick Do you know what I'm saying So what's that you're doing So you're one step removed

From like I mean I challenge you To find a sexual experience You've ever had That isn't a wee bit gay To you Okay, let me think

Just scrolling back In my life Last night I made out with a dude That's a little bit gay Well he has But did he have like A mom and a sister

Yeah, he had two sisters That takes it back A couple notches Okay And there was a time A point in time Actually That I did kiss a woman

On the lips Okay Come to think of it There's a chance That her father once Kissed those very same lips Oh that is Oh dude

You just French kissed it Two guys then basically Yeah Well later that night I did French kiss two guys I forgot the question What do you do And a girl

Looks like A girl that you like Looks like your sister In the past I've I think Hooked up with them Once and then stopped Just like you would

With your actual sister It's not incest If it only happens once people Yeah it's kind of weird That I wouldn't do it at all But I guess I wanted to like But then again

One is your zero Well you have When someone is unattractive You'll only hook up with them once When someone is disgusting To you You'll only fuck them once That's true

Yeah like Oh she was so gross I think I only want To fuck her once That's very accurate Yeah Very bi Worst case scenario

I fuck her once Alright okay You're a fucking animal dude I love That's funny Yes Her wits is back dude He'll fuck anything once

You heard of the guy He'll try anything once Yeah well this guy Will fuck anything once I'm very lonely I don't care if it's A fucking woman A dude a lobster

I saw this guy fucking A fucking A hero A hero A lamb hero And he was my hero Actually He came to ziki sauce

The reason I do a lot of it Is it comes from a place Of deep dark insecurity And fear What's that dude I guess I'm I'm morbidly afraid of Being alone

But even more so I'm terrified of You're the fucking man dude What are you talking about Maybe I'm really afraid Of being together You know Cause what kind of man am I

And who would accept Dude you're a fucking You are the man dude You really are the man dude I was the man I'm the pieces of a man I'm a million tiny little pieces And I'll never be

You're the king man I'm a Humpty Dumpty man I'm not a king I'm a court jester You are my fucking dude Yeah off with my head I'm telling you man No man

You're kind of like Making me sad Now that you're looking sad The guy you look up to The golden idol Yeah dude you really are Look a little under that coat He's a paper mache

The emperor has new clothes brother man And I love him dude The emperor's clothes are irrelevant Because he's not really an emperor Alright dude come on man He's a beggar he's a popper He doesn't rule anything except for His own mind which is in shambles

I love it dude You're a fucking poet dude I fucking love poetry dude Hey dude Yo Serge man Serge dude let's do a fucking acrostic I'll start with your name dude Jake just a accent

Or whatever Kicks ass Elephants dude Awesome Serge Yeah dude I'll do some like watercolour around this And we can get a friend What have to

Where are we Where did we end up Don't hook up Don't date with people that you look like your sister They're not going to stop looking like your sister Unfortunately that's my advice Alright let's take a break We'll be right back with more questions after this

You just fill out a brief questionnaire And get matched with a licensed therapist And you can switch therapists at any time For no additional charge It's incredibly helpful Therapy has helped millions of people Over thousands of years So give therapy a try

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That's betterhelphelp.com If I were you Check him out Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for supporting me Thank you to Squarespace For sponsoring this episode of our show Wow

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Everything looks good Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off that first purchase Thank you Squarespace Bonjour So we decided to go to Paris for a year

That's where we are now If you're hearing this We are on the Parisian canals Are there canals in Paris? That's Venice Here's an interesting fact If you're listening to this the day comes out Monday, May 30th

Yeah, Monday, May 30th We're in fucking New Zealand What? We are in Queens Town or Queensland One of those Queens Town, Queensland Let me look it up

Queensburg I'm sick of relying on my ignorance We're in New Zealand right now Yeah We are recording this on a Tuesday Nice dude And we leave tomorrow night Wednesday to go to New Zealand

How's that? We'll be I guess everybody by the time they're listening to this We'll probably know via Snapchat or Instagram What's going on? Yeah, we're going to be tweeting up We're a storm We're going to be Facebook and snapping

All over is the place It is Queenstown, New Zealand We're going to be in Auckland We're going to be in Wellington We're going to be in Christchurch We're going to be in Queenstown We're going to soak in as much New Zealand As we possibly can in six days

During your lovely, lovely frigid winter And we only visit the southern hemisphere At the wrong time Yeah, I don't know how we always end up there But thanks to Air New Zealand for hooking us up with the flight And making our adventure come true They asked us if we'd want to have a nice six-day adventure And we said, fuck yeah

Yeah, dude So thanks to them for hooking us up And if you want to follow along I think Snapchat's going to be the main one Yeah, we'll be snapping it I'm Amir Bloom, A-M-I-R-B-L-O-O-M on Snapchat And I am Jake Duman You guys can remember that because I am Duman

And the duh is spelled D-A And I am Jake Duman, 85 Because that's the year that I was born, 1985 I'm going to get this pitched down under 10 seconds soon Jake Duman, 85 Under 10 seconds so that you can explain what your screen name is On Snapchat in a video before it expires Yeah, that'd be good

So that's going to be fun Hopefully we get to meet some people over there There are some listeners from our show Or from our podcast and viewers from our show On Facebook that live in New Zealand It'd be fun to somehow find a way to meet up with one of them Yeah, that would be nice I'd like to meet a Maori tribesman or a woman

Oh I want to be taught one of those kool-ass The dance Yeah, the dance and the The dance that they do before What is it called? The Raka? The Saka? The Haka Haka?

Yeah, that sounds right Yeah, I can't wait to learn the name of the dance Hey everybody, I'd really like to hear your Raka Saka Do you think you'll bungee jump? My inclination is no Right, just because it's scary Yeah, I think being 30 I just don't give a fuck about adrenaline rushes

I get kind of a good adrenaline rush When I go to Home Depot and I look at the plants Yeah At this point So bungee jumping, that makes me feel a little tired The pros and cons are kind of interesting When it comes to bungee jumping Because the pros or the cons is death

You either die or maybe get disembodied Your leg falls off You wrap something around the cord And then it takes your arm off And then the pros is feeling kind of cool for a little bit You're just like, woo! Yeah So I would say the cons that way, the pro

It'll change your life or whatever Doesn't really apply to me Because I feel like I already live most of my life 30 years of it, we're good I'm on the tail end of it here So you're saying there's not a lot of cons Like if you die because you're already like 30 Oh no, I'm saying I don't want to change my out

I don't need my life to change or anything I'm just setting my ways This is my old age 30 is my twilight years You're laying down icing your finger that you injured I'm falling apart right here On a heel that you can't walk on I'm falling apart

I'm elevating my heel because my heel hurts And I'm icing my finger because I tore my fucking finger pulley Yeah, my back kind of hurts I think I slept on it weird This podcast is going to be us talking about our ailments one day And that day is now One whole day Can you imagine the time where we just talk about our ailments right now?

How's your back feeling? What's going on? I fear it's a pinched nerve I don't know what's... Oh, I'm the pinch Nice to meet you And I'll get on everybody's nerves Pinch pinch pinch Pinch pinch pinch

Pinch your booty Pinch your booty I think our London tickets are on sale too Are you okay? And I have a cold Any tickets that we can announce will be done so on ifirishow.com That London show is just one show, I believe Just one show, one night

But it's going to be a big theater We want to pack the shit out of it So get your tickets now I think the date on that will be August 2nd or 3rd One of those days Basically my birthday So y'all better come Oh, that'll be a fun little birthday present for you

Yeah So we'll see you guys there And then Dublin I think they haven't even announced the comedy festival It's a comedy festival I don't know if it's been announced or what tickets are available You guys will be in Dublin Just don't make any plans for July 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, and 30th

Is that fine? I don't know what your calendar open Maybe it's 28th, 29th, and 30th Is it only three days? Yeah, yeah, 28, 29th, 30th Alright, that's when we're going to be there Again, information all up on our website Anything else we should talk or should we get right into another question

I just want to say I love the fans What's that? I just want to say I love the fans I know, and I do too I was going to say I love the fans as well I was going to say that I love the fans And to them I say Todah Todah to the fans, to the day ones

Totally, and I think the fans I also was going to say When you were like, when I said Is there anything else we want to say? I want to feel like I love the fans more than Jake And I think that they're super awesome I think they're like super awesome

Awesome, dude And I want to also be like Yo, I love the fans, my day ones I think everybody who's been out there Season their cheese In the most hashtag dope ways They are my gullies Awesome

So I'm serious about that Anybody who understood all those references That's what makes you the day one And whether you understood the references or you're not Whether you're listening to the podcast or you're not Whether you're overhearing this on a train Someone's like wearing headphones and it's really loud And you can sort of hear

You guys are all I love all you guys Whether you're fans, whether you're not fans Whether you're just like some random guy So I feel like you're making it a little less special Because now you're saying you love everyone Even if they are just sitting near someone That's playing the podcast

I'm saying, I'm thinking So it's three people on the train And there's one person That's listening to our podcast One person that's asleep And another person who's just sort of Housing a sandwich But they're like hearing this a little bit

I love you Sleeper, sandwich eater Whether you're talking to me or not talking to me Whether you're listening to this or not I love, love, love you to the fans And I do And I really do And I was gonna say that I love the fans

You did say that I love you the last And the first to say that I love the fans Alright, well that's enough We're taking enough of our dear fans time With this Alright, let's go ahead I know, let's move on

I was gonna say let's give the fans No, no, I love the fans I was gonna say I love the fans so much That I think we should move on And I agree, so let's move on This next question I love the fans the most Comes from Let's call this guy the fans

Cause I love him the most And I want to name him after the person That I love the most And that's the fans So, remember that Too shabby You can That was the last one

That one upped it the most You went, can't think of an organic way to To insert my love of the fans The fans writes Hey guys, so I live in Austin And we've recently gone through a crazy period In which UberLift Tried to essentially buy the rights

To not have to do full background checks That are required under Austin law They spent about five million dollars On an advertising campaign Which ultimately would have been less than Just doing the damn background checks And they pulled out of the city When their bill did not pass

Now, we are without ride sharing Unfortunately, Austin has Shitty public transportation But I have made it work in the past I have been super frugal And I have a free bus pass Because I'm a University of Texas student So I have taken the bus for seven

For years to save the seven dollars It would take to ride downtown in an Uber My friends have not caught on To how to do this properly And have been asking me for rides downtown They started off saying Hey, we'll pay you as much as you're a As much as if you're a lift driver

To take us downtown And I was glad to make a quick twenty dollars To drive twenty minutes Recently, I fell into financial trouble Don't get addicted to dip boys and girls And I have been jumping on more opportunities To take them Last night, they asked me for a ride

And I said, usual rate And they got pissed Granted, they were all fairly drunk At this point But they insisted that I was not being a bro And begging for chump change One of my friends gave in And Venmo'd me twenty dollars

After this, my bank account now has Twenty dollars and one cent in it That's right, I literally had one cent Left in my bank account When I dropped them off He turned around and casually said Just Venmo me it When you get back on your feet

What the fuck? Am I required to do this? He basically paid me to drive him Then immediately asked for my money back Once I fulfilled the service he paid me for Should I Venmo him right back this second? I wouldn't have taken them If I knew they weren't going to pay me

And I have honestly been giving them Free rides for years I never started the usual rate trend And I was only assuming that my Continued involvement with driving them Would merit continued payments What should I do? Love the fans

That is... Imagine a dystopian future where Uber and Lyft don't exist in your city Isn't that weird? What a sad place that would be We are already there If Uber just went away I don't even know what the fuck I would do

Yeah, I'd be like stranded It's almost like Can you imagine if you didn't have Your cell phone or the internet Like people just It's been around for so long that people Sort of like have grown Not grown up with it completely

But like come into adulthood With it for sure Yeah, we basically don't know Los Angeles without Uber I think this guy's friends are kind of Pieces of shit Like they can't just request rides Downtown for free willy nilly

Yeah It's like a half favor So they sort of needed him And then he said he would only do it If they paid him And they were like Go fuck yourself But then also they needed the ride

So then they did say Fine, we'll pay you And then they said You have to give us the money back This is sort of capitalism In a nutshell It's this guy seeing a hole In the marketplace

There's no more Uber No more Lyft He's saying, okay Suddenly there needs to be A new competitor Someone that rides below the law For a little bit I'll ship your ass around town

For 20 bucks And it's a take it or leave it situation You either got it or you don't The friend's paid for it I don't think you owe him your money back Of course not I mean, I guess my bigger advice is to These guys sound like jackasses

And I would just stop doing it altogether For money and for free Because I see it going badly I see it growing into some sort of A side hustle You don't go into business with your friends So if he starts saying This is the usual rate

Then they're going to start saying Okay, well, can I get a discount? Can you charge me this time? Can it be a favor? Then you start to feel like an asshole When you're saying no to your friends So just don't do it It's not worth it

When I say keep doing it They'll suddenly spread the word They'll be at a bar Yeah, I couldn't fucking Uber here But my buddy drove us for 20 bucks And then another group of friends Will be like, well, 20 bucks That's pretty good

Maybe we'll pay him to drive us back You drive him back You give him your card That spreads the word Suddenly you're driving people Willy-nilly hither and thither At a dollar a minute You're making 60 bucks an hour

You work four hours a night Five nights a week You're making it You're in the rich You're in the red You're in the black You're in the green And that's the color that matters the most

You went from one penny to a million And you know what? There's no looking back And you tell your friend You wanted the $20 You want the $20 back? Here's $2,000 Here's $20,000

I don't need this shit anymore Because you don't need that cash anymore You know why? Because you moved to Luxembourg Everything is super cheap there We're talking whitefish sandwiches For five cents a pop You're living like a king

For $200 a year And in the year? The year is actually 1934 So super stagflation There's wheelbarrows People are walking around With wheelbarrows full of cash It's not even worth the paper

It's printed on You're not laughing all the way to the bank The bank is laughing at you For getting there Where'd you get a wheelbarrow? You know where you got it? Fuckin' Austin, Texas And you can blame it

On the fuckin' Uber slash Lyft The panhandlers, the fat cats On 6th Street in Congress Who couldn't get their shit together Who spent, what did he say? $5 million on a campaign That would have been easily spent On background checks

I don't know I feel like you just, you know You don't know your friend $20 What? What? Oh yeah Yeah Sorry, so your advice was to

Go to move to Luxembourg in 1934 No, yeah, I was just saying Like that was just another option You said you didn't have to owe them A couple of years, I mean it must Yeah You don't have to agree On every little bit of advice

Yeah, I was just gonna say Maybe don't offer your services To drive people downtown Like take it off Yeah, you're off limits now That's totally valid too But you wanted them to No, I'm saying that's another

You wanted them to become a taxi driver And move across the country The show is, if I were you It's like, what would you do If you were you And that's what I would do And you would do something else And then it's up to this guy

To decide which, I'm not here to say Which ideas are less feasible Than the other Well, one is just like You don't drive your friends around For any amount of money And the other one is relocate To a foreign country

No, yeah You wanted him to eat White fish sandwiches That were five cents I don't know what I said specifically Right Well, that was one thing You said two hundred dollars a year

That's up to you to decide Dude, it's all I'm saying You could live like a king And also you mentioned That the money wasn't worth anything Okay Yeah Take it or leave it, baby

Leave it Love the fans It's up to him, totally We're gonna figure out This nitrous oxide leak in the office But we gotta get out of here This has been a silly episode But if you have your own questions

Your own theme song submissions That address for everything Is if I were you show at gmail.com The opening one was written by Our famous favorite Luxembourger Luca Tonar And this closer is written by Jack Reynolds

We'll be back next week If we survive our New Zealand trip If we go bungee jumping I don't know Who's to say? Yeah Tota, we'll be back soon Bye

If I were you I would Stop being a dick If I were you I would YouTube that shit If I were you I would

See as the cheese If I were you Show At gmail.com