If I Were You - 220: Peeing Outside

Episode Date: June 13, 2016

In this episode we discuss teaching lessons, religious loopholes, and our trip to New Zealand.This episode is brought to you byCasper: http://bit.ly/ifiwerecasperBlueApron: http://cook.ba/1C7dsXKand Headspace: http://bit.ly/1YJfZmTSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, you'd be me too, I'd love to be one of your Koi Jews, checkin' my pants to see if there's poo. Dude, wash'em! It's J Crew! Rap was crap, beat was fine, if I were you, then you would be mine, so it's a care about writing this song, if you know the next lyrics, then sing along! Math, ha, math was crap, if you want to know why, then steal a hen, learning shit is for nerds and jocks, don't believe me?

Ask my uncle, green, blue, brown and red, go to school and you'll regret, I got 99 problems and a bitch, 8-1. Yes, dude. Oh man, that really brings me back. That was Jordan Boatman, I want to say. Oh Boatman, we're a boating man. Even his buddy, Keir, Ke-K-E-I-R, I believe, Keir, Sebastian, Sebastian, Keir, I don't know.

Jordan Boatman and Sebastian Kair made that song for us, hope you have as much fun listening to this as me and my buddy did making it, they say. Oh, that's nice that they had fun. That rap, if you weren't familiar, is from a Jake and Amir video, that's why it sounded so bad. Right. I remember being so embarrassed to say that rap, rhyme, in the office. Yeah, I didn't kind of remember that too.

Math was crap, if you know why, then steal a hen. I remember being sort of hard, but also really fun to write such a bad. On my proudest is, you want to know why, ask my uncle, such an ugly, ugly sounding word. I hate it's yelling it in the office. Yeah, at a certain point, I remember the Facebook video we did where you're yelling about Mark Zuckerberg stealing your identity and stuff. Oh, Zarkfuckerberg, Zarkfricken-Dinkenberg. You get really, really high and nasally and angry and paranoid, and people just shaking

their heads. You could really tell when people were fed up with us. It's funny because we were laughing too hard. The ironic thing is, I should say, that my character was supposed to annoy you, and in so doing, I became that character. We both became that character to everyone else in the office. Everyone else was the Jake character, and me and you were the Amir, because we wrote and were laughing and giggling about it.

We always thought we were so funny, just like Amir. Let's see how loud and annoying we can make your character be. I was actually screaming in the real office where people were trying to work. Yeah, that was a good time. I can't believe. Times were simpler. Yeah, everyone there is gone now. Everyone's dead.

That's crazy. What an insane thing that happened. A meteor struck the IAC building. Yeah, it was even meatier than that. What is the, it's J. Crew from? What's that? Oh, it's J. Crew. Oh, he's like, stop shitting your, like, change your pants.

They're like, they're J. Crew. I tell you, throw the pants away. You say that from J. Crew, which is funny because they make reasonably priced pants. You could, it's not like they were so expensive, they have $59. I think I was saying like, why would I throw them away? They're well-made pants. Even though we had to destroy a pair by, I think, squeezing a chocolate milkshake through a hole in it.

Another funny thing about those, the shit-stained khakis joke that kept on re-coming up, and I kept on saying, like, why won't you throw those away? It was partly because you actually didn't throw them away. Yeah, they're just props. They were just the props that you left under your desk. I actually did shit them. Art imitating, fart imitating life. Very nice.

This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet. I'm Fife. I'm Wrinkle. What? Wrinkle and Fife. It's the new bar down the street. It's a very hip, trendy, it's not an oyster bar, it's a mollusk bar. I like that.

So, yeah, Wrinkle and Fife. You can get mollusks in a palm fruit and walnuts that are so raw and organic you can't even eat them. And a Belgian wheat ale. A Belgian wheat egg. What is this show? It's an advice podcast. People will email us their sticky situations there in difficult places in their lives seeking

our guidance, our wisdom. That makes sense. We're smart. They want to know what we would do in that situation. And why do people listen to it? Great question. Jake's really fucking funny, I guess. Oh, all right.

Thank you. No, it's obvious that there's only one fucking reason. We're both, we both are comedians. Yeah, we're both comedians. Only one of us gets head. Sorry. Jesus. But you know you're getting blown on the rag.

What is it? Blown on the rag. Every girl that blows me is on her period. What a weird thing to want. This is our first episode back from. In Zed. New Zealand. Yeah, dude.

We went to a magical fantasy land. We went to an adventure island. It's a Middle Earth. Two islands, actually. The North and the South. New Zealand is a country we only sort of tangentially knew about, you know, roses from there. We have some ideas about what New Zealand would be. I'm a big fan of Lord of the Rings, so it was very nice for me to be there.

Yeah, but to actually be there was kind of crazy. It was like an entire nation filled with really happy, really adventurous locals and tourists. Yeah, the expats in New Zealand are pretty interesting. Yeah, in Queenstown it was like everybody we spoke to had an accent, but not a New Zealand accent. It was like Australian or English. I think I met more people from Ireland and England and Australia in New Zealand. Or South Africa.

Yeah, I mean, anybody with cool accents just goes to New Zealand. I almost feel like it's the rest of the world's Hawaii where people just sort of like go for or, yeah, they go for like some kind of adventurous escape in a beautiful remote place and then they just decide to never leave. But you know, the elitist American in me, whenever I spoke to someone, I couldn't quite tell right away if they were like British or Irish or Scottish or South African or Australian. Oh yeah, me either. I asked every single person with a silly accent where in New Zealand they were from.

Why don't you talk normal? Where are you from? What weirdo place are you from? Yeah, I think I maybe started saying like where are you from originally, but people always were like doubling. But to them, they knew the difference. So why is it like all different because they're all the same different and to us? Or if you're from Ireland and you listen to an American and a British person, that also

sounds the same because it's not an Irish accent. Does that make sense? Yeah, I don't know if I'm being real. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. Do you get it? Yeah. Do you understand the question though?

Can I actually... Let me start. But do you get what I'm saying, right? Yeah. Why do you feel... In terms of color, are we blue and everyone else is an orange? A different shade of orange? And I'm like, I can't tell the oranges apart.

Why are you so hell bent on deciding if I know what you mean before you leave and let me respond? I just don't want you to respond in vain. I don't want you to respond in a way that makes me feel like I wasn't heard. What a waste of effort that would be. It seems like there's different deviations of it, right? We American accents deviate really far from British ones, but maybe Irish ones don't deviate so far from them.

Then maybe that's a small minded way of thinking, which is totally possible because I do have a small mind. That's an American. Or is it like an American and a Canadian accent? Those are like so similar, you can't really tell them apart. There you go, that's true. That's basically true. You need to hear them speak for a lot, a lot longer.

I remember asking somebody, are you from England? She's like, I'm obviously from Australia. Can't you tell five accent? And I was like, well, what about my accent? And she's like, you were born in Israel. You moved to Encina when you were two. It's insane. I'm like, how did you possibly...

And I realized... She was a huge fan. Huge fan, yeah. She had my Wikipedia page. She wrote your Wikipedia page. Remember when we were drunk, tried to get into a bar and the guy asked for our passports and we only had our driver's license. And I was so drunk that I pulled up your Wikipedia page and I said, look, this says that he's

30. By the way, you have to be 18 or over. So you have to think we were 17 or under, which is already absurd. And I'm like, look, his Wikipedia page says 30. You can't edit that. He's like, actually you can. That's the point of Wikipedia that anybody can edit it. Good point, sir.

I will go home. Yeah. I still was drunk enough to do that. But beside that, New Zealand was insane. Just I'm not talking about nightlife. I'm talking about the death-defying stuff we did. Yeah. Oh man, like the fucking, the epic beauty of New Zealand.

Yeah. Gorgeous. I thought we'd spend most of our times in cities, but we were actually all over the place. No. Yeah. It's almost, it's kind of, it seemed to me like Iceland met Australia or something. Right. It seemed very remote and isolated, like sometimes we would get out of our car and just stand

on the side of our road for 10 minutes and nothing happened. Nothing would happen. It's also like geographically and geologically kind of insane stuff that you would never see like lakes that were so blue that didn't really make sense. They looked like they were photoshopped. And then this is the other, the last thing that I will say about it. Well, no, it's not. But anyway, we, when we went to Australia, we like flew around the world, but we like

planned it for months. Right. In New Zealand, we got our ticket, like basically 48 hours before we left, we weren't 100% sure that we were even going. Right. It was a very last minute spontaneous trip. Yeah. And all of a sudden we were just like popping an ambient on a plane and waking up.

On the other side of what seemed like the galaxy. Yeah. And shout out to Air New Zealand for bringing us. Yeah. Gracias. What a comfortable ride it was. Indeed, indeed. Especially with that sky couch, which is three seats turned into a couch on an airplane.

Yeah. Look it up. Hashtag sky couch. But, and then we, yeah, once we were there, we were like the, the skywalk was fucking. Yeah. Where you walk across, you walk around the outside of the tallest tower in the southern hemisphere. I think it was like 650 feet up.

I really did not think I was going to be afraid of that. And then that was the scariest thing that we did to me. Was it scarier than the swing? Yes. We were, this whole trip was leading up to on the last day we would either do a swing, which is the world's largest swing, which is a 200 foot free fall followed by a 300 meter swing, or the nevis bungee, nevis bungee, which is the second largest bungee in the world, which is, I think, what was it, like a 500 feet free fall to your seeming death

and then you get yanked back up by the rope. Right. The swing seemed at least easier because you don't have to physically jump. Plus, we were attached to each other. So it's like, at least I'm going through it with you. Right. And then, so I got in my mind, oh, the swing is easy. It's no big deal.

We get on the bus to go to the swing and I'm like, I'm sitting by myself just staring out and they like, it gets more and more remote. We start going more and more off road. We start climbing higher and higher. Yeah. And I like had this nervous energy. And then I like, I tried to, I'm like, all right, let me like overpower what I'm feeling. Why am I scared?

What is the fear? And I became like, I tried to reach this like level of Zen where I was like, I'm going to, like no one gets killed doing this specific swing. So I'm going to survive. So it really doesn't matter if I'm on the bus, honest on it, like on the ground, flying in an airplane or falling on a swing or jumping on a bungee. It's all just different states of what my body is. And if I survive, then it doesn't matter if I'm falling or rising or sleeping.

It's all the same me. So I'm like, I'm cool. I'm calm. This is fine. I can do the swing. I can do the bungee. I'm just going to jump and I'm going to survive and it'll be fine. There's nothing to be nervous about.

Then we got there and I'm like, I don't want to do the fucking bungee for sure. I looked at videos of people jumping. They basically, you stand on the side of a gondola, like a cable car, like a ski lift facing straight down a thousand feet over, like a rocky crevasse. Uh, and then you leap. I'm like, all right, I can't do that. I'm too scared. And we decided to do the swing that we walk out there and it's not like America.

We have to sign so many waivers and like they give you a brief and this, do this, do that. Right. We get there. All right. I put on these harnesses. All right. They start raising.

I was like, wait, is this hat? What are you doing? And he's like, oh yeah, you're doing it right now. We were testing it out or something and it's just like, all of a sudden we were dangling over the crevasse. Yeah. Uh, and this guy, uh, kind of, I think his name was James. Uh, he's holding a clicker and that clicker decides whether we fought when we fall.

Right. Uh, so he's, he's sort of tormenting us as we dangle over the edge. Yeah. Cause he's, he wants to fuck us up. Like, when do you guys want to drop? And then he looks at me as like, you're a prankster, right? And I'm just like, just this is the most nervous I'll be. And then you go, just drop us now, three, two, one, and he didn't do it.

Right. And then he's like, now, and then he fucking pressed it. I see, I thought that he did. He was like, when do you want me to drop you? And I, and I was like, let's like, and I said, like, let's count down three, two, one, and like, I wasn't saying like three, two, one drop. That was like, it was a suggestion to count it down. I was like, let's do three, two, one.

And in my head, as soon as he heard one, he pressed the button. You can see the video on my Instagram and on our Facebook page. Oh God. Nervously smiling for a minute and a half. All we dangle over the edge. Yeah. I see like that's, I was like happy, nervous. That would felt like a roller coaster when I was on top of the sky tower.

I was like, just, I was miserable. You wanted the ride to end. Yeah. Because the swing happens instantly and it's over in 10 seconds. And this entire time you're just like walking on like a two and a half foot long sidewalk thing around a sheer drop. And one of the challenges that they make you do is stand on the edge and look down. Right.

And the other, I mean, like every time I was standing still, my knees were trembling. So I really felt like off balance. Like I was, and a gust of wind could just pick me up and hurl me off. And I knew I wasn't going to fall, but I just didn't want to fucking die. Deal with it a little bit. And the entire, like do a lap around the whole thing, but it lasts 15 minutes. So, so we would walk and I would feel good when we were walking. If we could have just got out and walked around, I would have been fine

because my adrenaline would have been pumping. Right. But it basically like it, it let me settle and just be fucking horrified. And you never reach the relief because you just walk around and it's the same level of scared. Yeah. Either way, we want to go back to New Zealand in their summer. Maybe when we go back to Australia in our winter, their summer, we can

turn it, parlay it into a longer New Zealand trip. Cause we've had a lot of cool people in Auckland and Christchurch and Queenstown and we want to go back and do a show. Oh, that'll be really fun. Hell yeah. Actually, our first question is from somebody from Australia. Oh, there you go. So if we can have an Australian ladies name, I can read this email.

Australian ladies name. Nicole Kidman. She's Australian. Yeah. Nicole Kidman writes, I'm a young lady from Australia seeking advice in regards to a situation I am in or to just, or just to listen to, uh, in an answerless discussion from a couple of unbiased individuals. We could do that.

Yep. So a couple of weeks ago, I slept with a mate a few days later, I and a few other friends crashed at his house after a party or something. And he slept with one of my other mates. And the next day I found out they had slept together a few times. That's all good. I'm not annoyed. And neither of them, uh, would be bothered that we've slept with a guy.

However, about a week later, I was at partying and the guy was there being pretty flirty, so I was going to stay at his again to probably do the sex. We stayed out a bit longer and my friend, uh, and my friend, he slept with the previous week showed up and then all of a sudden a few others went back to his house. He was still flirting with me and would do so every often take me aside and ask me to stay in his bed that night. I would have liked to, but I said, nah, because the other girl was there and I

didn't want to make a weird situation out of both of us being there. Later in the night, the girl was saying she was going to crash in the guy's bed, but I guess the guy had said, nah, she is pointing to me. So the girl there was like, oh yeah, we can all sleep together. Nothing cheeky. We can just cuddle. Either way, knowing we'd both slept with the same guy made me adamantly declined because that would be super awkward.

I was clearly not chill with the idea of all of us in the same bed and the guy assured me that it was all good and he just wanted me in the bed. With my ego full from attention, I ended up in his bed. We didn't get straight into any action, which is good because a few minutes later, our friend jumps in the bed with us. I didn't do anything about it, except roll my eyes super hard and silently resent the dude a little, but when I realized he was trying to cop a feel from both of us, I was like, nah, I'm Audi 5000 and I made up an

excuse to leave and went to sleep in the other room. Shortly after the dude comes back to apologize for quote being a dick and said he'd quit the funny business and goes on a little rant about how he doesn't even want the other girl there and she should leave. Like I get not wanting to actually ask someone to leave, but obviously I didn't buy it because he didn't really have to be fondling her boobies if he didn't want her to be there. Anyway, we stayed outside for a bit to chat and he was being nice and funny

and seemed genuine about not being a dick with us all in bed anymore. So we went back to his room and what do you know? He gets straight back into the funny business, but I had to get up for a work soon, so I wasn't there for long. Side note, I ended up staying at their house longer because I hated my job and ended quitting. Anyway, we all laughed about it in the morning with some friendly mockery of each other.

Oh, and I slept with him in the morning too. It just ended up happening. Then I found out that I slept with him right after he had slept with our other friend, like literally 20 minutes after. And I found out because he had said, how did the other girls vagina taste after we did it? Great. Like on one hand, I'm like, who cares?

It's sex, have fun, life is meaningless. But on the other hand, I can't help but cringe thinking about him boning people I know so soon before and after. It's like some weird friendship sex roster that rotates until he comes. And that doesn't sound very feminist. I guess I'm asking if I should have sex with him again or now. Like, I think I want to have sex with him again, but am I just going to feel super uncomfortable about it and not enjoy it?

I don't know, man. Life is hard. Life, love the show. Cheers, Nicole Kidman. Wow. Okay. A lot to digest there. You got the gist.

I got more than the gist. A drunken guy is trying to have a threese. Yeah. And then the best he can get is some sort of staggered threese. I'm worried I have sex with two ladies, but 30 minutes apart. Right. I guess, first of all, the first girl, it sounds like she was down to have the threese.

Oh, yeah. Cause she like comes into the bed and is getting fondled and not moving. She's down. He's down. This email writer, not down. What I don't understand is this guy, is he like the hottest, coolest dude in the world? Cause his behavior to me is, uh, it makes, I mean, clearly the answer is

nah, he's, he seems deplorable, but she keeps giving him a second chance. Yeah. He's, well, I mean, he's had like, in this story alone, I think he had 48 chances and also fucked everybody multiple times. Then he also bragged about it to the girl that he fucked. And now he wants, how does her vagina taste is like, uh, nah forever. Yeah. And now she's like, I might as well keep doing it.

And what I, part of me is like, Hey, if you're, if she's feeling this casual about sex, then more power to you, like as long as you really don't care. But she does say that she can't help but cringe and she does, it sounds like she's a little upset and she has enough of a sense of self worth to get out of the bed in the first place when he's being shady. So I don't know why she goes back the second time. It sounds like she sleeps with him in the morning and is now considering sleeping with him again.

Well, there's two types of walking away. There's walking away being, having your mind decided. And then there's walking away, hoping the other person will chase and beg you to come back. And then when they do, you're like, all right, fine. It's like, uh, when you break up with someone, is it for real? Or is it you want, you're just saying that's cause you want them to fight for you. It sounds like this girl is still attracted to the guy so much so that

he can disrespect her a good amount of times and she's still down to cuddle. You know what? I've decided I'm, this is my, uh, the end theory is, uh, this guy is not worth it. I think sometimes people think that there's not that many people in the world. And they're like, oh, this guy is really cute. And I like having sex with it. And sure he tried to force himself into a threesome twice made me feel very uncomfortable, had sex with somebody else and then immediately fucked me and

teased me about it. Uh, but you know, like it's still, he's still super charming and he's still like, makes me feel good. And the, the truth is there's guys that are charming and make you feel good and aren't deplorable pieces of shit. Yeah. So find that guy or at the, at the very least find someone who's a little bit less of a horrendous person.

Right. I'm going to go, I'm going to go on record and say that this guy is fully horrendous. Yeah. I think that, that, that philosophy is especially true. If you're a lady, ladies seems to have more options to sex than guys do. So if you're a lady and this guy is willing to give it up, I bet you can find a lot of guys that are nicer than this guy who is willing to have sex with you. Yeah.

And start telling all of your friends, uh, the shitty gross things that he did. And maybe that will make him, uh, ostracized and, uh, teased out of your community of friends and he'll have to change his ways. Oh yeah. If anything do it, think of it as doing him a favor, favor, cause then when you tell him, Oh, I'm not going to sleep with you again because you did something really bad, maybe he'll actually learn his lesson. But if you sleep with him, then he'll be like, Oh great.

Time to keep acting like an asshole to other people. Doesn't really phase me in any way. I'm still hooking up with babes. So that's, uh, the positive reinforcement I need to keep going. Uh, you want to break that cycle of behavior. So you're helping yourself, but you're also helping him. You are an Oprah of yourself. Who me?

Uh, no, her. I've never been called an Oprah. That's kind of cool. It's not like a billionaire, wise little, um, talk show, uh, hero of sorts. I guess I am an Oprah. You get a compliment. You get a compliment. What's that?

Oprah. Who am I? Amir Shmuel Blumenfeld, Ricky fucking Lake. Who the hell are you? Uh, all right, let's, uh, we're about the halfway point. Let's take a break. Now, uh, thank a few more sponsors, then we'll be right back with more. If I was ye, we're changing the name of the show.

If I was ye, this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you, better help. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, uh, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

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Thanks. Better help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Um, how's your back? That's actually, I entered it. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I've got a couple of maladies for example, my back hurts in addition to that, I have a finger injury. Furthermore, I actually have a sliver in my right hand that I can't get out.

Additionally, um, my heel, your heel still hurts, my heel hurts. Yeah. And lastly, um, that's it. My heart, uh, arrhythmia and a lingering cough. Um, my, oh, I guess, yeah, I have a little bit of, uh, that like the flim thing. You have strep nose, which was not even nasal scoliosis. Yeah. I, and the heart thing is really more of a, I feel dejected and sad about my

failing body. And also I do have a heart murmuring. It's always murmuring. Yeah. Oh, it's literally murmuring English. My heart, yeah, it murmurs to me. It's amazing. Yeah.

It used to whisper words of encouragement. And now discouragement. Uh, my heart often discourages me. I wanted to talk about a new headgump podcast, super excited about, uh, bringing on, it's not out yet, or at least the second season isn't out yet. Yeah. The show is called My Dad Wrote a Porno. And I know some of you know about this show already, but some of you don't.

Uh, it was a huge hit in the UK and, uh, in America as well. Hundreds of thousands of listeners actually. Yeah. I believe over a million listeners. We're very proud to have this show on our network. This is a, uh, it's a big one. It's a marquee show, frankly. It's a marquee.

It's a tent pole. It is a flag pole. Where the opening act is what I'm trying to say. Jake and Amir opened for My Dad Wrote a Porno. Uh, and the podcast is about, uh, this, this, these, I'll say this, uh, Jamie, uh, who lives in, uh, England, uh, discovered that his dad wrote a dirty book. Right. And thankfully he, uh, asked upon his friends, James and Alice, uh, Alice, who's

part of VBC radio over there, uh, they read through the entire first series season, as they say, uh, was them reading the book chapter by chapter, stopping, pausing to make fun of it because it's absurd. It's insane. And the way they make fun of it is very, very funny. Uh, so the first season is available right now. It had already came out last winter, uh, and it was such a hit that they're bringing it back for a second season.

And that second season is going to be on head gum. Hell yes. So you could actually, uh, you can listen to their last episode that they just posted, which is a best of just to get you hooked, but you really ought to like go back and listen to the whole thing, listen to the first season and I'll get you ready for season two. We're like telling you about breaking bad in season two, right? Right.

And you can listen to it and catch up. Uh, there's still time. Don't let it yet. They're going to leave you in the dust and we are going to be playing a three to five, let's say a minute highlight, uh, of that best of book one at the end of this episode. So if you don't want to subscribe and go there, all you have to do is continue listening to the end of this episode and we're going to, uh, give you a sample, a

taste of my dad wrote a porno. Uh, we assume you'll like what you hear. We assume you'll want to hear more, uh, please do check them out. Please do, uh, listen to them. Uh, we think it's really great and we're excited for season two, which comes out, uh, on the fourth of July, ironically enough, independence day. The day we, we stole ourselves from them is the day they released their second season.

What a slap in the face that is. They own us now. They steal their, that day back. That's our day, these red coats for them. Uh, so once again, very excited for Jamie, James and Alice to be joining. My dad wrote a porno. We should have them on our podcast. Maybe when we go to London, uh, we can finally get to meet them in person.

That's what's up folks. We come to London. Uh, it's not, it's not often that, uh, we become fans of a show that we eventually incorporate onto head gum. So do support the network and check them out. We think you'll really like it too. Uh, so that's going to happen at the end of this episode. Well, we should say that we do also have many shows coming up, one of

which is in Los Angeles, one of which might already be sold out in Los Angeles. It's a 21 and over show at a bar. And it's, it's small. Yeah. There's only a hundred seats. That's an intimate shit right there. That is really intimate. It's going to be an intimate show.

It's at resident. Uh, we're going to put the URL on ifirushow.com. Hopefully there are still tickets available to that. Hopefully by the time this episode comes out, uh, Monday, June, uh, 12th, uh, there will be the tickets available finally for our shows in London or sorry, Dublin, Dublin is available. We're part of the Dublin comedy festival on July 27, 28, 29th, 28, 29, 30, 28, 29, 30. Unless 30, what's the last day of whatever?

Fuck it. Well, it'll, it'll be online. Yeah. It'll be online. Fuck it. We'll do it online. Uh, and then we're going to be doing one show in London, one show in the, in all of England, which is going to be, uh, in London on Tuesday, August 2nd, over halfway

towards a sellout there, not a lot of tickets left. Uh, so snag them while you can. That one's going to be the opposite of our LA show. It's going to be a big fricking party. It's going to be a big deal. It's actually a really big deal. It's our, our, our re, our, not our homecoming because we're not from there, but, uh, what's it called when you go back to a place?

Our triumphant return. Yeah. I try to triumph and return to Los Angeles, Dublin and London. Uh, we'll read live shows, tickets available still, uh, at ifirishow.com. All right. You want to answer some more cues? Yes. I'm ready.

Me twos. Uh, this time, baby, it'll be bully crew. I quit the podcast. Bully crew writes, uh, I'll be starting my sophomore year at college where my girlfriend did I attend. We love each other and we'll do anything for each other. I have one problem though. I don't know how to please her.

She has done everything to please me. Even the really kinky fetish stuff, face sitting, smothering, asphyxiation, etc. We're very open to what we like. And that's why I did all one thing that's sad of my face. Smothered me in a fix. Yeah, it seems like it's all part of the same family. Uh, we're very open to what we like. And that's why I don't know how to please her because she doesn't even know.

I feel bad because I know what I like, but she doesn't know it gets her off. We have no friends who have experience with this because we go to a Christian school and everyone here is a prude. Even though my girlfriend and I are saving ourselves from marriage, we are open and like to experiment in getting each other off. Since I'm uneducated on what can get her off, what are things to help her find what she likes without intercourse? I want our sensual sessions to be equally focused on each other instead of just me.

Huge fan. Thanks for answering. Bully prude. Bully. Prude. Oh, my God. Where were you? Uh, so in the eyes of the Lord.

God. Yeah. God, our, our, our Lord and Savior. That's right. Um, uh, you can't fuck the Almighty. He doesn't want two people fucking before marriage. However, she can sit on his face and choke him. Heaven is good.

Yep. Still into the pearly gates. Any kinky, wacky, crazy shit. Welcome to Kingdom Come, baby. I don't think that that's how religion works. Isn't it like if you're really religious, don't they say like you're not even supposed to like do shit to each other's asses? It's all about like just fucking to procreate.

I think at one point in Deuteronomy or something, they, they say that face sitting and smothering is okay, but you can't do anal or, or pussy stuff is what the quote is from the Bible. Yes. Uh, I think it was John who said, uh, and he begat Matthew and he begat Josiah, who sat on Ruth's face, who smothered Ruth's butthole, uh, but did not do quote pussy stuff to her for he was allowed into the, the heavenly gates after he had passed.

Now in the Old Testament, the Old Testament, I think that, um, there is, uh, the Abraham, Isaac, Isaac, and, uh, Jacob, my name's sake. That's right. It was Jacob had a brother named Esau. Right. Yeah. And this is where it came in. I think, uh, Esau's wife sat on Jacob's face.

Right. I remember that, but it wasn't, uh, he didn't cover, cover his neighbor's wife because they didn't actually fuck. It was just sat on his face. It was just like, yeah, that is true. That is what Esau's wife did. Uh, well, Esau really got, there's a lot of Jacobs in the world. Not a lot of Esau's.

Sounds like Esau got the short end of the stick name wise. Yeah. When you have a Jacob. And also, well, story wise too. Esau, like, uh, got the shit end of the deal, I think. Yeah. There was something about blindness, something about stews. The father, uh, dressed up.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause like Esau was like the big strong one and he was like going to bless Esau before he died, but the father was blind or something. So the other like covered Jacobs arms and like, uh, bear skin. Well, you like Esau, you're so strong and wise. Yeah. That's right.

It's me, Esau. And then the dad sat on his face. He's like, yeah. And then, you know, he was about to sit on his face and God said, no, don't. You've already proven that you're going to sacrifice your one and only true child to me by sitting on his face. And then I think God sat on Abraham's son. There was a lot of face sitting in the, in the old test.

That's what numbers was about. It goes Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, numbers, Deuteronomy. Numbers refers to the amount of times that God sat on Esau's face. And if you think about like it, we're, it's, it's all monotheism. So like, if I don't know if you've read the Quran, I have. Yeah, I have read the Quran. That's right. Yeah.

Okay. Well, the prophet Mohammed, I'll stop right there with this. Um, I just think that, like, there is no God and you can fuck your own friend. I'm sorry. That's one way to think of it. Let's just, let's just, if we're already experimenting to the point of you guys, uh, choking each other, your parents would honestly rather you fuck than, uh, die of asphyxiation.

Mothered, worry not, for I only choked her and sat on her face. You God, man, like, did you try going down on her? I, I hate to ask like the easy question, but did you try fingering her and going down on her? Or is that also like massaging her clit or something? Or is that also against the God thing? Or was it all just her sitting on your face choking you? Yeah. Maybe when she's sitting on your face, you can, yes, like squeeze your nose in there.

So it's almost like you're fucking her a little bit or dry hump. You could dry hump. Oh yeah. Just, just rubbing genitals over pants. Yeah. As long as, like, is masturbation cool. Mutual masturbation is definitely a thing. Is it still dry humping if you ejaculate?

I think it is because like the moisture, the, the wet humping isn't like, oh, people coming. It's, it's like the bodily fluids actually exchanging. So underwear, humping, ejaculating, but within the underwear is dry. I would call it dry humping, even if there is, if like I was naked and I was like grinding against somebody. And then you ejaculate? Yeah.

Cause if we're not going, if we're not like, there's not actual penetration. I would think naked is not, it's a. What do you call that then? Sex? Moist humping. Yeah. There's dry humping. Good luck with that, bro.

Good. Yeah. Good luck with messaging your gender dates. Hey, you want a moist hump? Well, that's my bio. I don't have to message them. All right. That's actually pretty chill.

Yeah. How do you spell moist? Cause I don't want French people to read it as moi. Where were we? Oh, right. Villifying religion back at it again with the nihilism. Yeah. We don't know what they're doing.

I feel weird telling you to go against your faith, but at the same time, it seems like you're, you're finding loopholes in the Bible. Maybe there's one that allows you to fuck with a condom on. Yeah. Come on. I didn't touch it. I was touching this rubber for he was only if I can, I can fuck a tire. Can't I know that?

Like when I was growing up, there was like religious kids that that like at least said they were fucking in the ass because it's like, oh, you can't have like it's not sex. I'm still a virgin because I only had anal. Right. Like, huh, I don't think religion's working on you then. You're not actually very pious. Yeah.

Whatever gets you to think you're still going to go to heaven is fine. I feel like, like the whole point, it seems like to get you to be a good person. Yeah. But like, gee, as long as you're pretty good, like, what are you really going to go to hell with like the murderers and the rapists and you're like, and the killers are like, oh, what did you do? And you're like, oh, I actually had pre-marital sex with my girlfriend. Punches him in the face.

Welcome to hell. This is hell for me, most of all. All right, fine. I also shoplifted. That's why I'm here. Christ, if God's real and I don't think he is, but if or he or she, by the by, thank you, hashtag, I'm with God, if God's real. And I met God and he or she was like, you're actually, you didn't really believe

me, so you're going to go to hell. I would feel like, you know what? Fuck you, bro, because I didn't do or bra, because I did not do that. A bra is how you say to a female. I don't know. I guess am I going to help with this? Just tell me if I deserve a hell or not. Yeah.

All right. On we go. Let's answer one last question because we only answered one before the break. Dude from Toronto, right? T dot, T dot. Drake writes, me and my girlfriend of two years are huge fans of your videos. The situation is that my girlfriend and I were hanging out watching Game of Thrones when we realized it was really late.

Unfortunately, she lives a good 15 minutes away. So our two, so at 2 a.m. with work in the morning, we were in a little bit of a hurry to get out the door from her house during this time. I needed to use the washroom badly, locking the door and walking away from the house. I knew that this wouldn't be possible to make it there and back without using the washroom. So I told her to go to the car and I ran out to the side of the house to pee really

quick. This is where the problem began. Now, this will sound like the most insignificant of things because after two years, we're basically an old married couple and we're super open about everything and don't hold back our issues. She ran out to see why I went to the side of the house. I yelled that I needed to pee and she then began to freak out, swearing and ranting about how people don't pee outside. We're not animals.

This fight turned into an argument that spanned to 40 minutes of yelling until she finally got out of my car to go inside. Now, the first thing people will say is that maybe she thinks it's unsanitary to pee without washing your hands, but completely not the issue here. I had hand sanitizer. She is simply disgusted at the fact that I did it outside and swears, she knows not one single person who has ever peed outside for if she finds out, they would quote, not be friends with them anymore.

Meanwhile, her close guy friends, yes, more than one months earlier, thought it would be fun to pee in her sink, yet she found no issue with this sick joke. Was I wrong to have peed outside? How is this more disgusting than what her friends did? How would you guys, uh, have you guys ever peed outside before? Does she have a right to be mad at me? Shine some light on this so she can see it's not as bad as she made it out to be. Or to pee.

Thanks guys. Keep up the good work. Um, I think it's kind of lame that this dude just has hand sanitizer on him. Yeah, that's my biggest problem with it. What he has Purell in his wallet. Like maybe in his car. If it's in his car, actually, that's fine. Yeah, that's a really, actually a cool move.

That's actually pretty good. Yeah, like in the glove compartment to have like a little. I was going to say the center console. Yeah, the center console, like the center, yeah, the center console. Yeah, were you going to try to come up with a different name for it? Yeah, the center glove compartment. Um, where do you keep your gloves when you're driving? Do you keep it in the glove compartment?

No, because sometimes when I really want my gloves, I, I don't want to like, you know, reach too far over. So my gloves are just in a small glove box under my seat. Let's say you have a glove box and then you have a glove compartment as well. Well, I have extra gloves in there. So you have two pairs of gloves, four gloves. No, well, the back, my back seat is filled with gloves. Well, it's, it's, um, it's like a rubber made, you know, like a big,

a large container, but it's filled with gloves. Yeah. Gloves and other like mitten type deals. Yeah. A lot of your, how many racing gloves do you think you have? 2000. Oh my God. That's so awesome.

I don't, are you talking about individual pair, like pairs or individual glove? There's 4000 loose gloves, but they all have a, they all have a mate. Right. Of course. So you have 2000 pairs of gloves in your car at all times. Yeah. And your car, by the way, I saw it. It looks like the hamburger helper logo.

Right. Yeah. It's a giant glove, Mopi. My God, you love gloves and you glove loves love, love, love, love, love. Uh, let's go question by question. Sure. Was I wrong to have peed outside? Yeah, it's disgusting.

Is this more disgusting than what her friends did? No, they peed into a drain at least. Have you guys ever peed outside before? Absolutely not. You're lying about every single one of these answers. Does she have the right to be mad at me? Of course she does. You behave in a foul vile way.

This is insane. I see every day when we leave the house, you stop outside on our way down to urinate outside, you leave the home, you're closer to a toilet indoors and you start peeing off the side of our stairs. Yeah. I've seen you pee outside. Even when we're home, you walk outside to pee because you don't want to go up to your room.

You'll treat the entire earth like your own toilet. And for you to say, that's a fair point. That's a fair point. Was I wrong to have peed outside? You said yes. Yeah. What do you think about when you do it? Constantly.

I would say you pee outside more than you pee inside. You fetishize it. I pee outside at least twice a day on the way to work and on the way home. You prefer it to a toilet. Actually, if we're watching TV, I will pee outside. Right. You walk out to pee. I don't pee inside.

I pee inside very infrequently. So what is that about? You just don't care. Yeah. And I think this guy should have a higher standard for himself. So you're going to say, do as an animal? Do say not as I do. No, I mean, yeah, of course.

I pee outside more than inside. That's correct. Yeah. It's there's nothing disgusting about it at all. It's a little weird to pee outside a lot. I wouldn't say it's bad, but it's definitely not bad what he did to do it once. But the fact that you pee outside, like you'll you'll pee outside. I prefer it.

I prefer you. Yeah, you're inside the house and you walk out to pee. Yeah. I would say that's rare. That's that's abnormal. Right. But when I'm watching TV, the bathroom outside is closer than the one inside. I'll tell you why I don't pee outside as much as you do.

There's a lot of splashback and when it diminishes, when you're done with it, it'll it lands in between your shoes. I don't know where that pee is going. Yeah, sure. There's a lot more pee on your shoes. No, I pee off a ledge. There's no, there's IP off a ledge. Yeah.

But then it trickle when you're done, it trickles all the way down and it goes inching closer and closer to you. I pee, no, I pee off the ledge and completely outside. I see you outside on the bricks, peeing onto a bush. Yeah. You don't think any of it is splashing? You don't think you're getting any particles of pee-pee on you? I don't think I'm getting much more than people that go to a toilet.

But you are getting a little bit more. I don't think I'm getting, no, I don't think I'm getting, I don't think I'm getting more. You know, I don't think I don't think that you pee 100% into the bowl when you go. Well, I'm that's why I'm a 50% sitter. Yeah. Well, I think I have a bigger problem with you sitting down to piss. I'm dunking it. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not risking a laugh.

You're the only person that describes sitting to pee as a slam dunk. That's absolutely a slam dunk. The coolest thing you can do. It's an, I often do a reverse windmill tomahawk dunk. Yeah, you could like AC Slater the toilet. You know, sandwich on the septic tank. Is this more disgusting than what her friends did? No, peeing in a sink, I think it's worse than peeing outside.

Definitely, because you don't have to like wash your dishes in the bush that you peed in. Right. Which, by the way, you do. Yeah, I wash the, well, I pee into the, I pee on the dishes. Have you guys ever peed outside before? Yeah, we both have. Does she have the right to be mad at me? Hmm.

That's an even, that's a more holistic question. She, I don't think, I mean, everyone has a right to kind of do whatever they want. As long as it's not really hurting. Yeah, she has a right to be mad, just as you have a right to pee outside. Right. Does she have like a really strong claim? A case? In the court of public opinion, I imagine that most people listening to this show

are going to side with this gentleman. I think what you guys could do is ask, you know, a group of your friends what they think. And I think 20, let's say 20 friends. Yeah. And if 15 of them should side with you, then that's considered a vocal majority. And you get to win. And what is that victory? She creates a turkey lasagna dinner for you.

And you get to pee on it. And if you should lose five out of 20, agree with you, 15 of 20, agree with her. Then you have to eat cereal out of a toilet bowl because you lost. And so it is written. I feel like setting up these like kind of interesting steaks or that's going to more like deviate the opinion, you know what I mean? Like some people will say they want to see him eat cereal out of a toilet bowl. So they'll just say something that they don't necessarily.

Yeah, ideally you want to ask people that don't know about the steaks. This is like a silent bet you make with your loved one. Oh, I see. All right, cool. That's our opinion. I don't know. You want you want it to hear from us? We don't think it's that weird.

That's that's the we think it's weird that she I think it's weird that she got that mat a 40 minute arguing argument for peeing outside. Yeah, I don't know where that that seems like it started somewhere. Like there was a basis for her to be that perturbed or freaked out by it. That's interesting. I wonder if she has any older brothers. Seems like she has a younger sister. Does she have a younger sister?

Let us know. Uh, all right, that's it. That's the episode. Thank you to anyone, everybody who's listening. Thank you to anybody who's written quick speaking of thank you. We honestly don't have time for this. The opening theme song was written by Jordan Boatman. That's closing one Jesus written by M. O. U.

My boy, my boy, I'm going to cut you off. I'm going to cut your camera. It's about lonely and horny. Oh, I'm listening to our boy. His name is Yugi. So you know he means business you. I mean, why you G. I. Yugi, he translated all of lonely and horny to Portuguese.

Holy shit. So I wonder how, because I'm the only one that I am gets translated to Portuguese. Me too. We can find out. So any Brazilian fans or Portuguese fans, there are 270 million people. Who speak Portuguese, Brazil, Portugal, Angola. Now all of those people can enjoy the series. I don't know how we get the word to them because we don't speak Portuguese.

But anybody out there that is that speaks Portuguese tweet in Portuguese that lonely and horny is now, I think, by the way, I, I know that you translate them. I don't entirely know that Vimeo's implemented it, but they're working on it now. All right, cool. Anyway, I want to thank Yugi and give a shout out to his Instagram. Oh, which is at Y U G. I. At his name, Yugi, and I actually follow it. And he's got his Instagram is just why you G.

I. He's got like 170,000 followers or something. Really? His Instagram is actually dope. He's like, uh, he's a photographer. I think he's from Brazil. Jesus, look at that. Yeah. Holy shit.

Yugi, an easy way to remember is how to spell his name. You say, why you G. I don't know. But you get rid of that last part. Right. So you get why you G. I don't know. And then you've already spelled it right there.

Everybody forgot it now. What's that? He's in Brazil. Damn, dude. 122,000 followers. Thanks, Yugs. Uh, and thanks, you guys. Thanks, Yugi.

And thanks, you guys. It's just a little audio joke for you guys. I liked it. The opening theme song again was written by Jordan Bootman and friend. And this closing one is written by Michael Mootsaurus. But it's sad. But as Monica is Moots, M-O-U-T-Z. Go to SoundCloud.com slash Moots.

Moots, baby. We'll be back. Very soon, a week away. Again, stick around after the theme song for a taste, a little, a little amuse-bouche. What's the name of the chocolate they give you with a receipt at really nice restaurants? Um, a chocolate. Yeah. State.

It's a, uh, um, a chocolate, a truffle. Uh, yeah. Yeah. A little truffle treat at the end of this episode, which is a taste, a sample of my dad wrote a porno, uh, our newest headgum podcast, new season coming July 4th. And we'll be back next week. Later, guys. I'd probably write an email to

If I were you, show don't come. If I were you, bring it on. Belinda blinked. It wasn't a dream. The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her jacket and silk blouse. What a great dream that would be. The managing director across the desk, who had innocently brought her through from reception smiled and nodded at her.

Slowly with the hint of a tease, Belinda removed the two garments. Her black brazier was doing overtime to contain her full breasts. Okay, right. Let's pause for thought. Let's stop there. Why is she wearing an ill fitting bra? I don't think that it's ill fitting so much as her breasts are so ginormous that it's, it's working hard to contain them.

It's working hard though. It's not failing. It's in overtime. I've got this image. I've just got this image of them kind of, I don't know, spilling out over the top. Muffin top situation. Yeah, bulging. Also, love the use of brazier because bra, not as sexy as brazier.

I mean, to me, so far nothing's been sexy. Talking about, she blinked right at the beginning. Her black brazier was doing overtime to contain her full breasts. She had worn this one for today as it was tight fitting on purpose. She never thought it would be exposed in such a simple way. Pause. And so it's been exposed in a simple way. The only way to expose something by taking away the thing that has concealed it until now.

I mean, I think maybe he's getting at the fact that, you know, it wasn't an elaborate situation that got rid of the garment. She was asked to do it. She did it. It was simple. She's just sat there in a bra. This is just bizarre. The MD got up and took her blouse and jacket.

He hung them onto one of two elegant wooden coat racks in the corner and sat back down. What next, Belinda thought? The interviewer resumed his questioning of her CV, and after about five minutes asked her to remove her knee-land skirt. Belinda stood up, removed the offending garment, and passed it with some surprise to the MD. Surprise! She's removed everything else.

Why is she not questioning any of this? Why is she not... The offending garment. She's got a skirt on. Underneath, she was wearing a skimpy black song and sexy black stockings, which she didn't apologise for. The number of times I felt the need to apologise, and I just haven't, about my skimpy underwear.

After all, she was an upmarket woman. I mean, we've established this. Every upmarket woman removes all of her clothes in a job interview. Belinda has class. That's what we're getting at. She does. She's a classy lady. She sat down again and crossed her long legs.

She knew they looked good, but she really felt she wanted to keep her private pussy area hidden. I'm sorry, what? That's like three words for the genitals. Her private pussy area. Also, what's a public pussy area? And also, what's area? How much land does that cover?

A private pussy area. That could be from knee to hip. Belinda leaned back on the white leather seat and started to gently sweat. Erotic. Nothing sexier than a sweaty lady. After a further 10 minutes of questioning, the MD got up and walked around to Belinda.

He gently pulled her stockings down to her ankles. He removed her bright red high heels and stuffed the stockings inside them. Oh my god. They were placed under the coat rack by the interviewer. Belinda was now feeling exposed. Because her socks have gone. She's now exposed.

Now she's exposed. She's a classy lady. She doesn't like those calves have a chill. Belinda was now feeling exposed. With only a bra and thong left, she thought total nakedness was not far away. Or nakedness, as it's called. And then what?

And then what? Her skin? They're going to shave her head. Shave her private pussy area. Oh my god. Then it would be a public pussy area. I'm starting to gently sweat now. I don't know about anyone.