If I Were You - 221: Video Games (w/Sam Reich!)

Episode Date: June 20, 2016

Friend and lover Sam Reich finally joins us! We discuss height, humanity, and stinky buttholes.This episode is brought to you byNatureBox (http://bit.ly/1idZxFp)and MeUndies (http://bit.ly/ifiwereundies)See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I wish you would write in two if I were you Jake and Amir will tell you here exactly what to do And if you want bad advice from two cool Jews It's if I were you It's if I were you The angry boy a bit too insane Icing over a secret pain You know you don't belong

Sorry, I didn't get that You're the first to fight on the way too loud You're a flash of light on the burial ground I know something's wrong Everyone has to face down a demon Maybe today we can put the past away I would swallow my pride I would turn to the right

With the flash they're opening up to the inside I would swallow my doubt Turn it inside out Find nothing but faith and Do you have the time to listen to me one Chicken to chain not the Chinese chicken You have a drumstick We're out of time

That was Jacob LeGrand Of the opening theme song Sam Raich is in the house Yes, dude This is your first appearance on our podcast Is that true? That is And I can't believe we made it through 200 And some odd episodes without having you on the show

It's insulting Yeah We asked you Someone should be insulted And I don't know if it's you or me There was a point where you canceled on us And we had Dan on the show instead So that's insulting to Dan

Yeah Most of all Dan should be insulted Hey, what do you think about this pun? Sam, Daniel Back at it again with the something or other I'm going to give you a B minus For we were talking about you and Dan Oh, yeah

Sam, Raich Guys, I'm really happy to be here Thank you for having me on the show No doubt I'm sure people who are familiar with us Are familiar with you You've been in countless Jake and Amir videos You were our boss for five years

Six years Seven years Eight years It was unclear Our relationship In the story of Jake and Amir I was your secretary That's right

Parents died in a plane crash Yeah Heartbreak In a plane crash You also directed Fired Yeah, that's right Part girlfriend series That's right, which was a total blast

Not to mention Miami, guys Day back even further than that We all went to Miami together And we parted with the bang bros That was one of our first work trips It was, yeah I think it's also the most maybe Or top three times I've ever been hungover

Remember when we were driving in a van And I was so hungover I had to pull over I also remember that I've never seen Anyone more drunk than Jake on Shots of Patron At that casino You were so drunk I passed out outside on a lawn near Denny's You were screaming drunk

I've never been that drunk before or since You were literally walking by tables of people eating And stealing food off of tables I remember that No, I don't remember that People telling me it happened Yeah, when you're that drunk It's like turning up the knob in your brain

That's like just do what you want And then like turning down the other knob That's like maybe I shouldn't do stuff So it's just like food cranked up I'll eat it off of strangers' table It's like realizing you can color outside the line Your sober brain would go That doesn't look good anymore

And your drunk brain goes Go for it It's actually pretty liberated It's colorful When you're a little drunk You usually still have like a little social Like some charm and some gray, some tact To like get away with stuff

Like if I picked up someone's fry And I ate it And then I smiled And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm so hungry And they're like, oh, maybe they'll be thick, it's funny Yeah But if I stumble up, knock over someone's drink And grab them, they're like

Soft pretzel from their hands You know what the problem is It's not only a rise in the animal part of your brain It's also a decline in your motor skills So there should be a drug that makes you want to act Like your primitive animal brain But also lets you just like drive And have normal conversations

That's cocaine I was about to say that's Molly It's cocaine and Molly I think those are really pre-moked drugs I've never done the cocaine Really? That's true I guess nothing either of I

I just heard That that's Through sources So it lets you act drunk Like my co-guy told me I just want to be clear You know, as we're on this podcast For all of your like impressionable young listeners

You know, anywhere between the ages of like 14 and 18 Who are about to make important decisions That are going to affect the rest of their life You're saying that cocaine is a drug that makes you feel Like the ultimate human being Without any of the negative side effects of alcohol Well no, cocaine is not an ideal drug But it does make you feel sharp

And I don't think you lose motor skills You know what, I don't want to go down this road And what's the bad side of cocaine? You can die from it You can overdose something You can have too much and then die It's very illegal It's illegal, expensive, you can die

There's a social stigma attached to it for sure You shouldn't do it It makes you shit yourself You become addicted to it It takes more and more to get you to feel The feelings they used to feel And their feelings are expensive One of the side effects is just that you want more of it

Even when you've had enough of it So you sort of don't stop doing it If there is more Actually, truthfully, the friends of mine Who were worst off Were the ones that got really into cocaine They were the friends who were doing real bad So let's say officially don't do cocaine

Yeah, don't do it You're wicking I've never seen anyone so rapidly What about Molly? I think we shouldn't You guys edit this, right? This is an advice podcast People are seeking our guidance, our wisdom

And you now know exactly how responsible we are You know how qualified I am to give people advice It's usually just me and Jake in a room Sometimes we have our friends Finally we have Sam Reich on the show So thanks for coming on the show Finally, it took us until we have our own office Our own recording studio to come on down

You look so comfortable on that couch This couch is great Yeah, you're feeling comfy? Yeah, my feet are up This office is really impressive You guys are doing clearly very well Right, since you... We're swimming in debt

But we did decorate the office We're doing worse, actually Really? Yeah, we are cash poor We both live here Right There's no sign of a bed or a toothbrush Exactly

We have that hygiene and we can't sleep So I'll scrape my teeth against the couch You're sleeping on Got it, but it's super comfortable And I'm like... This makes me proud of you guys I mean that in the least patronizing way possible In the least positive way possible

It might sound patronizing anyway No, I'll take it It's really impressive Thanks, dude Yes, dude You should be introducing us on the road with that Like Don Pardo, yes, dude So these are real emails from real people, Sam

Just so you know We're gonna give them fake names Just to preserve their anonymity Would you do us a favor and give this guy This 16-year-old in high school a fake name? Yes, his name is James Spader What? Where'd you come up with that

Crazy, unique, weird name The top of my big old block of a dome James Spader writes Have you guys ever lied about your height Or something trivial? Do you think it's dumb stuff like height That really matters when talking to girls? Thanks for the help

Todah, love James Spader Fantastic question Hand selected for me Because it feels hand selected for me It was unintentional I am 5'6 My father is 4'10 4'10?

That is true Amazing I come from a family of tiny, tiny people So the fact that you're 5'6 is a minor miracle It's not often somebody's 8 inches taller than their father That's right It's always the average My mother is an Amazon

And I am the exact average Your mother is yowming in a wig Just take off the wig What's the point? We all see you under there, Mr. Ming But as my father used to say If he limited himself to women shorter than him He would have had no options

And I really resent this culture That sort of decided that tall men are more attractive And really the only attractive option Yeah, you see it all the time on Tinder Like all those dating apps Like their bio is their minimum height requirement Yeah It's a little fudged

My father is 5'5 And hideous, by the way We're not even talking about attractive levels We're just saying height-wise So just say he's 5'5 And he's bad He's a horrible man 5'5

He's horrible, his personality Face, skin, hair It's all... That's just some part Oh, yeah, he's wicked He's a wicked little demon wrinkle-pumpkin You know, like a troll that has a drawbridge Where it's like, oh, you have to answer three questions

Yeah He won't even let people answer He doesn't even have a bridge He's a troll in front of a wall So nobody even has to deal with him Every square inch of this man is evil bad Ugly Yeah, yeah

Boils, moles Sure Hair Hair everywhere It shouldn't be completely bald where you want He has all ten plagues on his person Wow Locusts

Even the death of the firstborn On the small of his back He has death of the firstborn Firstborn supremacy is dead to him But he was still able to land my mother Who is a goddamn 25 cent piece She's a quarter with not a dime In all seriousness, your family is so fucking attractive

Wow, thank you I almost can't believe they come My mother is... She is the perfect woman The idea that you all started from your dad's balls Is beyond me Like, how does... My sisters are beautiful, my brother is beautiful

My mother is beautiful How does such a dead tree Reap such sweet fruit And nut He looks like a walnut with like little spider legs That's my father Honestly, this burning bush yielded such a juicy crop I don't even understand

It's almost as if God looked down at him and went We can't make the rest of the family ugly It's too lopsided in terms of karma The only thing that will balance out this man's black hole of an appearance Is a bright shimmering light of a rest of a family Yes So that is to say, I don't think everybody cares a lot about height Right, only necessarily somewhat shallow ladies care about

Yeah, but there are plenty of superficial people that care about Plenty of superficial things Height is just one of them Also, this guy's really tall I'm 5'11", I'll tell you just from personal experience I'm 5'11", I don't necessarily lie about my height I will say that I'm six feet in platform shoes Often to anybody who will ask me anything

What's my order at a restaurant? I'll be like, I'm six feet in shoes You're like, alright, that's fine And what's the soup of the day? Yeah, lentil and I'm 5'11", actually I can't keep living this lie 5'11 is not a bad height Sir, do you want to cash this check?

No, I just thought that I'm 5'11 When you were growing up, did you find that you didn't approach girls that were taller Because you didn't feel like you had a shot? When I was growing up, I was short I'm also talking to our guests Okay, of course, yeah, when I was growing up Actually, I was short I just want to give everybody a chance to talk

At a certain point, we're all short And at a certain point, all the girls are average taller than we are And I feel like that period of time is good practice for any shorter person Oh, like 7th through 9th grade Yeah, in terms of developing the courage to approach women that are taller than you Right 5'11 clearly is not a problem Let's establish

Men are, for the most part, within a certain spectrum of height What would we say that height is? Probably between... For the most part Like 80% fly in this range 5'5 to 6'5 Okay So if women are only interested in dating men 6'5 or above

They're automatically ruling out half of the male population Oh, way over half Yeah, a lot That's like a lot of people to decide... A lot of people to decide aren't worth it Right And at 5'11, like if you say, I'll date a guy who's 6 feet, but not 5'11 Even if you are superficial, you're really going to cut someone off over an inch

You're going to fall in love with this man over Tinder chats Yeah You're going to be like, oh, we have so much to cut You go out of bed and you go to brush your teeth You're like, wait a second Chase you around the house with a measuring tape Get away from me She measures me in my sleep

We're all the same height lying down You have three kids and she finally measures you for the first time You're less of a man I know You fucking lied to me What are you talking about? This is an ambush You're fucking 5'11

Have you ever lied about your height? I don't think I... What he said he was 5'6 Yeah, I lied about my height when I said I was 5'6 You're 5'2 if not an inch I'm 5'4 In all seriousness, as a 5'2 man A man boy

I feel like I should have... I feel like I should have... I'm sure you are standing on the microphone How tall is your wife? My wife is 5'5 If not my exact same height That's pretty nice You think if she was 5'7, 5'8

She'd be any less interested in you? You guys... You've seen couples that are taller women with shorter men, right? They do exist Yeah, my parents That is a 5'5 I know You already quite said

You said that my mother is a 5'8 running model That's all I'll say I won't say any more Great, perfect What were you saying Sam? He's made up of the things that a cat regurgitates Yeah, he's fur balls Yeah

He's hair The embodiment of feline aids Feline aids Personified My mother is an angel My mother is a hot shovel My mother is an angel Excuse me?

What? A hot what? I was just saying something tall and sturdy Like a shovel No, she's not a shovel I know she's not a shovel, man Yeah, she's not a shovel She's a human being

She's one of the best human beings in the world She's a human fucking being I said she's not a shovel I called my fucking mother a shovel How would I use a shovel to decapitate your fucking head off? Dude, I was fucking a shovel Coming at my mother with that vile, that vitriol, that hate You spent 5 minutes ridiculing your dad

Who by the way is a really nice attractive man in his own right We're talking about a guy's mother You don't call a man's mother a shovel No This is I imagine my mom is a rake She's not a shovel You were saying?

Well, so here, you know, here's the theory though I think the theory is There are really superficial Women out there And if anyone won't give you A chance because of your height They're probably not the kind of person you want to be dating In the first place

I don't even think there's this layer of superficiality Which you have to get through In order to find someone's real self They are that person or they aren't that person The person you want to be with Isn't going to judge you for being 5 You're saying there won't be any pretense About overcoming your, like, proving your winning personality

You're going to lie about an inch of your height In order to try to win over women Like, you don't want those women Into a good relationship from the inside Like, yeah, you're the Trojan horse You might as well be completely honest And then find someone that likes that Because to be honest, this guy's probably 5'9

Right Which honestly makes people who are a legit 5'11 Which I think is the tallest height you can be under 6 feet Like me It makes us lesser than Because you're clumping us in with people who are 5'10, 5'9 Almost a borderline 5'8 though I don't want to embellish

Amir, I'm sorry to say this You're being a real shovel Finally Someone had the guts to say it Alright, so in conclusion Be yourself, be honest Don't lie about your height It's just one inch

I mean, that's, you know That's what I would say What would you guys say? I would agree with that Yeah, I mean, I think first of all This guy's not short And second of all Some people will care about your height

And some people won't And go for the ones that don't The end We have another question From another guy We need another name Let's hear it, Sam Jane

Okay I see we're going with this Banderby I love that one I don't want to wait I'll ask to be over Dawson writes I'm in a pickle

So my wife has this job where she works from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Which is perfect I work from 6 a.m. to 3 p.m. Which means I get three whole Sweet hours of playing video games After work The problem is

She hates working so late And wants to be home with me When I'm off She constantly asks me If I'm okay With her switching her work schedule Where she gets off at 3 p.m. as well I tell her to do what she thinks is best

But secretly I want her to work until 6 Because whenever she's home It's impossible to ever get time With my Xbox One She'll get all mad and start pouting If I play in front of her And thinks I'm neglecting her as a husband

So I don't play when she's home anymore Plus, it's really embarrassing When all my single friends Start making fun of me or wherever I have to get off Sorry All my single friends start making fun of me Whenever I have to get off

Playing video games Because my wife is making me I really do love my wife And I don't regret getting married at all With that said No one said that How do I manipulate her? With that said

How do I manipulate her Into changing her work schedule So I can pose some noobs and call of duty Please help Thanks, love James Van Der Beek Oh boy, oh boy Do I love a question that ends with How do I manipulate her?

Wow Sam, you have a wife, do you game? Um I My relationship with video games Is kind of the same as books Where I'll get really into a video game For a period of time

And play it and play it and play it kind of obsessively A little bit of a compulsive personality that way Right Um, so habitually no The last game that I got really into Was Red Dead Redemption And I played it like an animal Which is what, what is that?

Like an animal, what's a lot? Like, uh Like, uh, like every Like maybe three, two, three hours a night Oh, that's not that much Yeah, I bet there's a lot of gamers that just like Laughed out loud Two, three hours a night, that's nothing

Yeah God, wow That's Uh, but did your, did your lady ever resent you for that? No, no We have a pretty symbiotic video gaming relationship She doesn't love to take the wheel But she likes to watch me play

Oh wow Especially beautiful games, right? Like there is a type of game And maybe this is my advice Whoa I'm realizing Okay Guys, I'm onto something, I'm onto something

Go, follow it Follow the thread Where you play a certain type of game That your wife is into enough Either to watch or play alongside you You can have your cake and eat it too This is like a little brother thing Where it's like, I don't want to play

I just want to watch my big brother beat the game I suppose that's right Although I think there's A new category of video game Which is the video game that's like so beautiful It's actually enjoyable to watch And I think like Red Dead is totally that way

Grand Theft Auto is kind of that way The Bioshock series is that way There's also like Games like Braid and Journey Which are just works of art Now I sound like a gamer I'm like I wish I could get into

I want to play Braid Would I like it? Braid is one of the most Beautiful masterpieces Of video game art ever Alright And how do you play it? Is it on your phone

While you're taking a shit? Uh... No Uh... It might be on your phone It's a... When I played it It was an Xbox arcade download

Oh, so it's a real video game And now I think there are all sorts of ways to play it Got it I remember playing Monument Valley Oh, Gorgeous That was beautiful Gorgeous game The game was so hot

I played through that With Elaine Oh really? We took turns Oh yeah Totally, that was like A really fun group game Of like, you know

Three people around an iPad For sure To me, this is like Three to six Those are the... That's the three hours That this guy cherishes And the three hours that this guy's wife

Feels like She really wants to hang out But like Six and after That's a long time to hang out too Yeah, it seems like Three to six is some good alone time Pre-wife time

Yeah I mean like You can't say No, I want you out of the house Working But you can say like Hey, I'd love you to be around the house But like just so you know

I really like playing video games And I'm gonna do that When I get home from work And we can sort of Float around in the same space Video games are a part Of the person you married Yeah

And if you love that person You will let me have my video game time I think this is more of a conversation Not like of manipulating her to Not be in the house But of Convincing her to be okay with your gaming And it sounds like she just needs her own hobby

That she's gonna be into for three to six There is this kind of myth of the That in relationships If you're in a relationship with someone And you're living with them especially That you need to be engaged all the time Yeah And I think that that's a

That's like A really terrible policy It's unsustainable I've been there and it's failed Because I mean there would be times when I would be like At work And I would text someone that I was living with

And I would say Hey I'm gonna like grab a drink with some of the guys And she would say But we were gonna watch TV Right And I would be like But that's not a plan That was just what we were gonna do

If we were both home Yeah Like To To like To make plans to do nothing To like be on the same couch together Starting as soon as both people

Are home from work Is I think like the beginning of the end Being in a long term relationship is like a lot Being in like a live in relationship Is a lot of casual hanging out Oh like you guys can both be at home But ignoring each other Yeah

Or maybe like you're watching TV And she's on the couch On her phone with her like Feet under your butt And that's gonna be cool And then I grab the phone and you say What's here that's not here And I'll point to my heart

And be like Why aren't you paying attention to me Point to my dick And then to my Xbox controller She's looking at a picture of your dick Alright that's fine But Jesus That was close

Focus on me Yeah it's true You don't want to be in a Like when you're not living with someone The time that you're together Has to be precious Because you're not together all the time Then you move in

And perhaps the mistake is like Let's give it just as much effort and intensity But you can't sustain that Because you were actually living with the person Have you guys ever been to like an All-you-can-eat buffet Like a Vegas buffet? Oh yeah

The amateurs will go And they'll get like Three giant plates of food And they'll bring it back And they'll make their way through Like a plate and a quarter And then be like I'm fucked

Yeah I'm full All of these little tarts Are gonna go to waste I have to throw them away I have to throw away the tarts Yeah And like you've gotta learn to manage Pace yourself

Your portion Your portion Your portion for the waffles And that's it Cover them in chocolate chips and butter You don't need slides down your throat Don't go for the dumplings Don't go for the pasta

Yeah Bread's a waste They're gonna give you unlimited breadsticks Yeah Okay so you don't get the metaphor I overdo it on the waffle It's like you're at The metaphor is

You're at an all-you-can-eat buffet And you still have to manage Three healthy meals a day Yeah You've got all-wife time That's right That's a guarantee All-you-can-eat wife

So his specific question is How do I manipulate her Into not changing her work schedule So I can hone some noobs So he doesn't want to be honest with her He wants to Inception the idea He wants to put the idea into her brain

Where she wants to stay at work till six Right So the lie that you would tell Is that your schedule's changed So you're also at work till six Yeah no need to come home But then like Then she comes home and sees you gaming

And you act like you just got caught cheating Oh it's not what you looks like But you caught me on the sofa It wasn't me You didn't come in camera Plain Zelda It wasn't me It wasn't me

I still think the honesty is the best policy Here Saying listen I love you I want to hang out with you But three to six is me time I mean manipulating your So is never okay Very G

But like how would you game of thr- Like how else would you House of cards or game of thrones This situation I wish I'd seen those shows What does that mean to do that Frank Underwood is a cutthroat politician Who will stop at nothing to get what he wants

And what he wants is to occupy the highest office In the United States Now honey I understand you don't want a word And I understand you want us to be together Okay But I'm gonna need you to stay at work Thank you so much Oh so he's just a smooth talker

Yeah Yeah I mean like Don't be straight up right Yeah it's easy to say And it's hard to do But overall it'll feel good in the long run Yeah Otherwise you're living in a relationship

Where you're resenting your significant other For coming home early She's happy you're upset It starts to eat away at you Long term things start drifting apart And it's all because you didn't have this conversation Where you sat her down and said three to six It's precious me time

Come on man Don't be a shovel Don't be a shovel be a hoe Hey What It ties back to my mother What It's a callback

It is very intrinsically related to my mother Alright man I'm sorry Christ You're so protective It's alright I know it's alright Your dad's a piece of shit right That is a fucking nobody

I don't have a father anymore And my mom is an everybody Alright let's take a break We'll thank a few sponsors That's supposed to mean everybody And we'll be right back with more Questions and answers with Sam This show is sponsored by BetterHelp

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And we're back with Sam Sam the man Hey, hey, hey! Why did you cancel Jake and Amir? We fought tooth and nail To still be there And Sam's stiff on us Positive, that's not how it went down

He said no, no, no I'm almost positive Seething with jealousy He said I couldn't stand it anymore She said trap lock the door It's already locked We want our jobs back Do people think I canceled

Jake and Amir or Jesus Christ? You know I say that because it's the opposite you you begged us to stay you guys got fed up. Yeah, we said no more I don't even know if I either this stuff is true. What are you working on? You're so true. It's like a breakup. You're still you're still at college humor though, or should I say big? I am I'm at the light. No, you can say college humor Okay, I'm at I'm the last person at the party pretty much, but now there's new people at the party. Yes, that's right The party is a whole other party Anybody still there that our fans would know about back from me and Jake's day. I know Adam is still there Emily's still there

Well, these are the people that you're talking about are no longer full-time employees of the company They've gone on to work on other projects for the company. I would love to do that I would I would come back to college humor in a heartbeat. We did it Jake and Amir show that Sam Reich ultimately passed on I wanted a true TV passed Start rumors that I canceled Jake and Amir I That was somehow me Saying Sam's been a champion of us from the very beginning actually Yeah, I'm gonna do that. I say to da

I'm a big fan You guys and you not only you're you're part of it. You're part of the finale as well You're at first episode or last which felt like a real because I Had like way back in the day established this kind of sort of character of Amir's Amir Yeah, that was kind of how we thought about it, right? Yeah Like you I had someone that looked up to me as much as I looked up to Jake, right only I hated you for Sorry, I was giving you you were giving me all the attention I wanted. Yeah, and it meant nothing, right? I

Clearly you could have like turned your chair 180 degrees and found your best friend But you weren't yet if anyone just lifted Jake up and plopped you there It seemed like it would solve all the problems desk, but then I somewhere along the line presumably I got a promotion which is kind of true in terms of my employment at college humor But then that also affected like my relationship with you guys in the storyline. Yeah, like I became your boss In the storyline. Yeah, by the end you were in charge of us. Yeah, which is kind of true for reality That is had a big breakfast kind of true. What are you working on now that you're most excited about? Well, we got a second season of Adam ruins everything hell. Yeah works and

We just launched a YouTube red being YouTube for dollars. Oh, I thought that's a book The YouTube red was a book. Yeah, like I read you tube. Oh No, no, okay. All right, so what did I order off Amazon? Because it was a book Slim Jim I did okay, you know what it was. Yeah, watch a man Randy Savage's book. Yes What's the brand of the turkey jerky that we bought turkey jerky the tubes of turkey? Yeah, it's so good. We're gonna we can't oh you can't endorse it until they start paying us. Yeah You gotta write them an email I'll come back on the show talking about how much I legit like that those turkey tubes

I didn't realize it was turkey. That's great news. Yeah, but we have this YouTube red series called bad internet Which is kind of a black mirror parody, which I'm very proud of I watched it. Yeah, you liked it. Yeah, it's great You liked it But like there's a familiar faces in there castles in it. Yeah, yeah Hopefully we get a second season and you guys can do it. That would be my dream. Oh shit. I'd love to write one of those episodes Yeah, that'd be sweet. What happened to Pat? Remember like we were friends with this guy Pat yeah What's that killed him? What's up? Who what happened to Pat Mike Trap? He was murdered. Yeah What happened to trap oh, he's around oh

So you're talking so casually about it and so nothing ever happened from that. What do you mean? My trap killed Pat castles and you're talking about it like he tripped him or something like nothing happened There was no he didn't trip him. He killed him. Right. There's no legal obligation Recourse to the killings of Pat castles. I don't understand. All right, never mind legal. That's fine. Cool What else are you excited about Pat went to go right for Sam B. Yeah, usually exciting. It's true It's a great show all of our friends are ready for television and we're the first generation of college humor talent, I mean We've all we're all in this like a new chapter of our lives right like your guys

Chapter is lonely and horny, which is so good. It's so I mean you guys Advertise on your pot. I'm at now advertising on your podcast. It's so funny and well-made and This like incredibly impressive podcast network You're like running your own Network yeah now I'm that true TV and Dan Gerwig Sorry, we're like we I have a lot of business at that network and a really great relationship with those executives and so do we

Girl which Jake will order a steak dinner eat you to first bite me like damn. This is good. Take that true TV Every time I'm proud of myself But Dan Gerwig was also murdered by my trap That's right. Hey, he's where by Kevin Corgan Corgan's doing the best of everybody He's at a climbing magazine. What's that? He's at a writing for a climbing magazine in Colorado Yeah, I think he's probably found himself more than any of the rest of us have had himself In fact, I guarantee you that that's true. He's more at peace definitely than anybody on the rest of us are still at war

Streeter Sarah will Steven SNL. Yeah back to back to back David Young the tonight show. That's right. Dan You're mentioning John Oliver. Yeah, Owen Parsons the daily show. Yeah, Jake and Amir Dick in their hands talk talking to a fucking has sorry. No offense, dude, but you're a has been You know what fuck that you're never was who else take that true Jeff Rubin. Oh Jeff Rubin's at YouTube now that's he's doing great. Yeah, and so actually the people left of the party are myself and Ricky. Oh Richard Van Vee the our first podcast guest. That's right Ricky is in New York, and I'm I sort of man the West Coast God what I wouldn't give to just fucking crawl back to College Humor I'll make anything anything without you gotta just like at least do this stuff off mic like I know you wanted to I remember you said

Suck your dick Sam. Sorry. I don't know if this is picking up No, I would suck your dick. It's not picking up even as an unpaid intern to be back in the game with you would be an honor Sorry, I think I'm gonna get me out of here. That last little I don't know that we can take unpaid interns right now Oh, I'm in college. I'm in college. Yeah. Yeah, college credit is fine. Yeah, okay, cuz I just enrolled at CSUN You technically listening at home Amir is kneeling. This is insane. He's blowing I don't know what to say. I don't know how to rebound crazy Cool is there anything else you want to mention your snapchat. Oh God

Guys if you would follow me on snapchat. I really just get getting into the snapchat game Yeah, and I like my username is Sam Neverland. Why did you do that? He said the exact two different things About what he was doing on snapchat, you're gonna be killing it. You've got a problem with everybody's name. What are you doing? Why that because snapchat is the place where I can always feel like a kid is why I just made that up That's pretty good. Actually, I might change my name to a mere bloom Neverland I'm gonna change my name to a mere bloom toys are us kid But follow God follow me

When when is this when is this post? Let's say Monday? June 13th, okay, just to be clear. We're recording this February 3rd 2013 Three merry Christmases between that's right. Yeah. Yeah, why you want to drop something really exciting on this day Yeah, maybe I'll hunt you guys down on this day and take some exclusive Content with you. Oh, don't promise that. What if you can't do that in a week? What about a picture of your butthole with a little lion emoji in it? I mean, it all depends on you guys all hunt you down wherever you are

That was not even for snapchat. That was so mean to say you said it's okay Oh, you said our last day at college. You know, I'll yeah, whatever you want. You'll do this for me. You'll do this for me You better it'll be fine. It's really threatening. You're saying it in such a fun casual light-hearted way You're sitting and you're sitting so provocative. What does it mean to say you better played out on the cat? Why do you keep saying you better? So just the words that you're saying seem really friendly and open Like a cuddly teddy bear All right, do you want to answer one last question before we have to get the f out? Let's do it

I'll give you two two options Do you want to talk about butts or do you want to talk about sexually transmitted diseases? But who don't What's gonna do with all that ass all that ass inside your shirt? I'm gonna make make make make your shirt make your shirt Look like an ass During break I tried that cocaine thing Jake's talking about Right that is my best self endorsed

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace nature box and yeah, we didn't have any so I started snuffing this 45 spray Adhesive general purpose made by three and that's the same. I'm feeling sticky like Ricky All right, do you have a name for this last dude? I do Jane okay Brown James Brown. I like that make me hate it Brownie James Brownie writes. Hey guys big fan. Hope this email finds you. Well. I found myself in a sticky or should I say stinky Nice actually same. You have a really good voice. Do you want to read this? Yeah?

I feel like it's always to have you on and not have you do some vio work. Okay. Just grab the big Monitor you're just grabbing the monitor part of my laptop, which seemed kind of precarious. What kind of a voice Do you want this read it? Oh, that's a good question just something kind of an outskirt? Oh, that'd be nice Okay, so that's the guy from sex in the city Well, I found myself in a sticky or should I say stinky situation There's a girl. I've been having a sexual relationship with and recently when I was hitting it from the back I smelled something disgusting

To my dismay I deduce that it was her butthole that was emitting that foul stitch change voices Anyways, my issue is I don't know how to move forward What would you do if you were me? I'm contemplating if I should stop having sex with her just to add some additional info that recent Incident made me aware that her butt has always snuck But because it was so faint before I thought my mind was playing tricks on me

But now that I know what it is she is disgusting to me And I need help moving forward and deciding what to do Hope you guys can offer some help Enough love from Toronto a thank you James Brown hell. Yeah, Sam. Can you just read questions for the rest of time? Like whenever we have a question, we'll just email to record. Yeah. Oh, yeah for sure. Oh The laptop handoff is complete. What do we say to James Brown? His girlfriend's butthole smells. What's what do you think that could be?

Why would a butthole smell deduced where the smell was coming from at first? It was I smelled this smell Yeah Butts seem to stink always that's where the poop and the gas and the farts come out You're gonna yeah, you know if you're gonna nitpick an act like then you're not allowed to have doggies out of sex I don't think do you guys did is the first thing you do every time I read one of these questions The first thing my mind does is turns on the person who asked the question most of the time that is the first thing

I do. I'm like, what's the other side of this story? Yeah, and the other side is this girl has a slightly stinky butthole because it's pretty normal if I'm not immediately taking the other side Then this might be a hygiene issue, right? Do you think that she's not wiping? Properly, it's possible. Even if you're wiping properly your butthole would stink I mean wiping is just smearing shit with a dry paper towel up around your sphincter First of all, not everybody has the types of shits that you have. Okay some some Some ladies don't have hairy ass cracks

So when they like it it actually is pretty effective and they're and the shit is gone Yeah, the shit is gone. You're still smearing at the end of the day. It's smearing shit Sorry, I'm pro bidet, and if that makes me European Did you smear in there well the wiping smearing it's all the same fight in New Zealand and you come back of bidet man I actually only shit in lakes now So we were at Lake Takeppo, and I would diarrhea You would see me you also That's right I

Aread on the plane and I asked to be taken to the nearest lake which wasn't Takeppo anymore I was you grounded the plane. That's right, and I said take me to your nearest lake They said sorry sir were six and a half hours from any body of water. That's not the Pacific Ocean I said well, so you forgot your passport clearly. I Used it to wipe my own ass smearing my own ass I should say Well What so fine if we're gonna say that that one time and which is totally possible that one time her butt smelled that's fair

And maybe the other times when he's saying it was faint that means you know what? It's a really good point. We need a wider bigger grouping of data In order to be able to determine if this problem even needs a solution right or if he has to have sex with multiple people So he can decide if maybe doggie style is just something that his nostrils can't handle You don't know if he has or hasn't had sex with many people. That's your style. You're assuming he hasn't I'm assuming that this is the one person He's ever fucked doggie style, and this is the first time he's ever smelled someone else's butt But at the very least there should be one other time and then a third tie-breaking time

To see whether or not this is really an issue. Yeah, I volunteer as tribute. What does that mean? It's from hunger What would your role be as tribute I Let him fuck me Okay, so you think that's a tribute it Well tribute is like when you offer to go in someone's stead You want to be Katniss ever Dean decided that she was gonna go In place of primrose got it ever Dean. So you're gonna go in place of her

How does that help him figure out if Well, he'll be able to see if like but hell but holes in general are a little too stinky for him We're like if he's got sensitive like if yours actually kind of take it. I don't really want to do it Yeah, I don't want to go to you anymore. This is also a deleted scene from the movie because we Sex smells aren't always Great. Yeah, definitely. I think there's something to being like in the Moment where like anything is hot. Yeah, this is like a street or stand-up bit. Oh, yeah

Sex is magic. Yeah, where everything is stinky and gross while it's happening. It's awesome spit in my mouth I want to lick your sweat off. Yeah, ass crack and then as soon as you come you're like, oh god This is get off me. Oh, I just ruined street or stand up. You're welcome It was great bit love straighter So do you think it's a little bit of that well? I wonder if it's that I mean I actually wonder if what he thinks is like a butthole smells actually just like the smell of sex And he's turned off by that smell that would be sad to be to be turned off by the smell of sex Yeah, I mean, maybe there are some people that are turned off by the idea of uh, you're a mirror's not a butthole person

So does that mean that you like doggy style? What does that mean than somebody who? Uh, no when I says when he says I'm not a butthole person it came out of a conversation I was like Jake's like, yeah, I like to lick down there and I'm like that's a little too much for me That feels a little gross for me. Oh, you like to lick ass. I like to do everything that I am allowed to do Anything a bunny Anything that you're allowed to do on an ass Yeah So you'll like fill up those little change things with like the proper like the rolling papers with the proper amount of

Change like I guess like if I would that's not the first thing I would want to do if I was allowed to do it Um I've never but I've also never gotten that far. So who knows you're talking about that's like eighth base You're just the only like the the most thing that I've been allowed is a dick in the butt Got it and beyond that there's been really a d in the b say a d in the b We can't talk about like we can't be this is this episode is not um explicit Yeah, sorry. So a d in the b. I apologize, but right enough to say a cop Do you like a d?

Do you like a d in the p like a d in the b? Yeah, I like a d anywhere In the e were you talking about putting coins in the colon or are you talking about just putting coins in the paper But next to an ass you're talking about a tiny little dildo No, I'm talking about on late on top of the ass. Oh, I see there's a roll for quarters Got it. You're just she's being very patient. Oh, and you're just stacking money. You're just stacking coins I would be into that As long as I didn't have to put the paper into anyone's butt because I would feel like a little nervous about paper cuts and sure Right. I'm also I I'm not an ass

Licker person like you right You're a little too logical sex isn't that magic. You can't Disconnect your brain that much. It's not even I maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's prudishness I never thought about it that way But like sex is like really certain things are really messy and dirty and exciting in sex And then you get to like licking a butthole and I'm like why on earth would I want to do that? You haven't been that lost in it I guess that's true. It just like it seems to fall into a totally different category for me beyond sex

Yeah, I mean, I think there's like Dirty stuff that I still find exciting but that in particular I can't I can't conversely. That's kind of what I want to do the most. Is that true probably wow That's like the ultimate That's the the the that's how jake kisses. Goodbye You remember when I and sometimes hello when I met amir's mother for the first time Let's let's stop this story right now I tossed your mom's salad bro. You're gonna call my mother a shovel again

You're talking about a dude's mom jake You don't go there You don't do that Just uh, it was like a european style But on the cheeks It's left right left. Yeah, that's right peresian style. That's what jake thinks french kissing is So let's answer this guy's specific question, which is uh She's disgusting to me and I need help moving forward and deciding what to do

So it sounds to me like this guy is being a little bit of a prude And like he he needs a wider data set like he needs to do this again And maybe even a third time before he makes a call. Yeah, he really likes this girl and there is a problem there something that he should Try to broach because if she never gets the feedback Imagine being that girl. Yeah, and like these guys they like Sleep with you once and then never again and you don't know why like

Yeah, you know someone very hard subject to broach I don't know how to do it But I do agree that this is he's treating this as like a oh her butthole smells now and forever Instead of just uh, it happened this one time So I think if you can let it go keep on having sex See if it's a persisting issue and if it is then we'll then then we'll talk again But also I mean he need like sex is it is a messy business and the like Smells are a natural part of it. And I think he needs to like

Stop looking he shouldn't be disgusted by her Like that he shouldn't blame her probably right. I'm gonna guess that this smell is a natural, you know He could imagine getting uh, railed from behind with a dildo by her and he could say like oh I wonder if my ass is clean enough for that. Yeah, so like whole you know Walk a mile in my Dildo All right, cool, uh, hopefully hopefully we helped the three james's is nothing we did Sam thank you again for coming all the way to our new studio for being on our podcast for the first time in several hundred episodes

We got to have you back before episode 440. It's got to be at a more rapid clip than this We've been doing this podcast for three years for christ's sake I'd love it guys. Thank you so much for having me I'll come back anytime in fact in order to make up for lost time. I think I should be on the next four Let's do anyone right now Hey, this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet. We're back with sam Sam neverland folks. I love neverland chat sam neverland hell. Yeah, uh sam. I wanted to mention that um Jake and I are going to Dublin and london for live shows god. You're such

International men of mystery you lived in london you get the you get the gist You know I lived in oxford. So I get the slightly less exciting more collegiate gist That's right. Uh, so if you live in london or oxford or dublin I think the tickets will all be available by the time this episode comes out You can click on the links at if I were you show at if I were you show dot com london shows are over london shows Almost sold out so get on that. Um, should we talk about the la show that we have too? Well, yeah, we have a show in los angeles too on june what 27 7th We'll put that link every all the information will be at if I were you show dot com

london dublin los angeles all the big cities in the world Sam you want to come to that show? I do the la show. I would love to come. Oh really shit. All right. Um, why tickets? No, just that. All right. We'll talk about it off camera. I didn't think you'd say yes at all. Uh, but that's okay Fuck sorry. Can we record that will you say no sam? Do you want to come to the show in la? No, really? Fuck would have been great to have you there. Oh, well, uh, thank you so much for listening What did you gain? Just wanted on the record that sam did not I repeat did not want to go to the show. That's why he's not there Thank you

For sam for listening. Thank you jacob legrand for writing the opening theme song this closing one is written by his name is spelled K e e s, but he says it's pronounced case. So thanks case for writing the closing theme song We'll be back next monday uh final words That was perfect Shovel I love that Later everybody one two three four One

That was a hit gum podcast