If I Were You - 222: Baton (w/Bo Burnham!)

Episode Date: June 27, 2016

Writer/Performer/Peeler Bo Burnham in the house to discuss rich kids, close friends, and his Netflix Comedy Special "Make Happy."This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, TrunkClub, and HeadSpace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Yeah, KP's are if I were you I'm like I'm lonely and horny, all these podcasts they bore me Yeah, I'm sleeping and snoring, until it's Monday morning Till I see my two favorite Jews, dropping that knew if I were you They know just what to do, if your girlfriend has crabs Only trust the Uber driver, know they ain't taking calves Vance in the pitch, they wish on the fucking bitch I'm like Serge Dude, I think we got the same toy

But when, if you fucking with the gay boy Now it's time to get down to the questioning I'm a scout from one to ten, is it a good idea to fuck my friend's mom again She's a Mexican, let's be in, cause a smoke show and a go pro But let's do pro, make the bitches moe loco How are you? How are you? How are you?

How are you? How are you? How are you? That was T-Pain Wait, are they all of that quality? No, they're usually a lot worse Yeah, that feels very worked on What would you give that out of ten?

I don't, that's like if I need others to compare it to That's a zero and a ten Here's ten more just so you have a comparison Bo Burnham Hello How are you? I'm so well Let me just say real quickly, that was written by Kyle

A 23 year old rapper from Rochester He's a rapper? He's a rapper Oh cool So he's a professional, that's why it sounded like that Yeah, it was very good And you got all the inside jokes, all the references to the podcast Yeah, totally, totally, oh my god

I missed a few about Bo No, I get them, I understand You had co-written half of them, which is kind of interesting Yeah, pretty cool As a musician yourself, I mean you appreciate that kind of At least the effort that it took, that wasn't an easy thing to do I'm a fan of effort all across the board Anything that seems like it took effort I'm on board for

That guy said he Any good effort, that's what people like to hear when they make something And spend a lot of time on it, like good effort And then good anything else? No, just A for effort And F for everything else He says he goes by KB's And if you could pimp out my soundcloud, I would get the biggest boner ever

So soundcloud.com slash Kyle hyphen KBZ hyphen Brian with a Y Perfect, I mean you know And rolls off the tongue That guy is somewhere with a raging boner right now because of us So thanks Kyle, and thanks Bo for coming on the show No problem What an exciting day Could I pimp my soundcloud out?

Okay, it's Bo with an F Hyphen, hyphen, hyphen One spelled out, one the number Hyphen spelled out or? Hyphen also spelled out Hyphen, hyphen, hyphen, p-h-e-n And that'll get you to a 404 page so you clear out your cache Yeah, you click the middle of the zero in that

Delight, delete your cookies And delight your cookies Delight your, why not? Bo, comedian, actor, writer, singer, songwriter What do you, what's your A little bit of everything? I just asked it, it's inflected like that As long as people say it

Question mark? Question mark? Yeah, every time I just, I write things I guess You're a writer? You're a performer You're a performer Yeah, yeah, I know

But it's like, people that make food are like I'm a boiler slash peeler slash roaster You know what I mean? People here are obsessed with giving themselves as many titles as possible I think I make stuff and show it That's what chefs say too They say they're real humbled down to their chefs Yeah, you're a writer slash boiler, right?

Yeah, exactly, slash peeler Yeah, it peeled the old, a lot of layers to me We're excited to have you on the show for the first time ever It's been a long time coming It's been a long time since ever Yeah, since the beginning of time Oh right, we're talking about that then really long time We were just talking about how

2000 years or something like that It's the beginning of time We met once like five years ago Four years ago Yeah, I'd say five, right? 2010 maybe It could have been that, 2006 Six years ago At a music slash comedy festival that existed

No, no, no, a music, like And then if you looked really closely under the sea in music You saw a tiny omity coming off of that Yeah, it was a music festival with like us in a tent The size of what? Like an aircraft, like an airplane hangar And us performing to 100 people It was a music festival that had a comedy area

It started at like 11 a.m. or something I don't remember what time we went on But it was not like peak comedy hours You never want to perform comedy outside during the day In a rainstorm Yeah But I remember you did pretty well You had a crowd by the end of it

Oh yeah What, yeah, but maybe But again, we had like folding chairs A wide view of the tent looked like nonsense We should have had like those dummies in the King's speech That they put up in the bleachers Like the fake blow-up people That would have made it a little bit easier

This right here is what I was talking about earlier It's an advice podcast It's a show That right there? This right here, this right here Very cool It's all scripted Down to very cool and it's all scripted

Yeah And that's the last thing we have written Very helpful So right now we're going to improvise Now we enter the podcast So what happens is people will email us With their sticky situations They're seeking our guidance, it makes sense, right?

We're wise beyond our years And Jake and I do our best to provide our insight And our wisdom to help these people out Sometimes it's just me and Jake I can only imagine Because I will never fucking listen But sometimes we have friends in the room In the house and today we have you

Great I'm excited to share what I know And project that onto other people's situations That I probably know nothing about That's really good Not having a lot of context is perfect And it's good because we get all the perspective We get white guy, white guy, white guy

It's nice to round it out From Europe to Eastern Europe But to not all parts of Eastern Europe And not back Yeah From Europe to Eastern Europe, period These are real emails from real people We're going to give them fake names

Just to preserve some levels Some semblance of anonymity It's usually our guest's discretion To give these people fake names I'll give you some context This is a college-aged American boy Raul So quickly

Finally not a white guy Let's do it Last name? Just Raul, he goes by just Raul I like that a lot It's pretty mysterious Raul writes Hey guys, about six months ago

I hooked up with this guy He and I only slept together once But we texted for a while before and after He told me that he wanted to have His hands tied while we did it Because he wanted to explore kinky sex I went along with it Because it seemed pretty tame

In the grand scheme of things After a while we stopped texting And I didn't hear from him Last night, however He texted me saying He wants to try financial domination Where the sub sends the dumb money Meaning he wants to just randomly

Send me money to get him off He's also saying that he'd pay me To let him rub my feet I'm really thrown off by this whole idea Is this a real thing? Is it unethical to take advantage of the situation And let him send me money? I don't want to be a dick

But I'm also not going to turn down free money How exactly should I handle this? Let me know what you guys think If nothing else I'd like to hear how you'd respond To this, thanks Love, Raul Do it all

Do it all Tie my hands up Put money in my mouth Rub the feet Send me cash Yeah, where's the... Have you ever heard of Findem before? Findem

Financial domination Oh, I thought it was sort of like Maybe like some weird dolphin-like fandom I don't know what he's talking about Financial domination Findem is where you give a dolphin money Findem Financial domination

Yeah, have you ever heard of this thing? Well, no, I haven't But I feel like you hear of it In the other direction very often Which is what? It's all just like a guy, you know A sugar daddy or a sugar mom But the idea of the...

The guy being the submissive Like cucking with money Right, I guess that'd be the term That is a cash-cucker A cucks for bucks I looked up an article on Findem And I read it earlier You started, yeah, you got really hard

Nothing makes my dick softer Than giving money at a whim I mean, what? Nothing Yeah, it's the last thing God damn, like, if you're, you know... I'm torrenting porn I'm on the pre-surfing site

I'll watch an 8-minute cut of a 53-minute video and be fine When I'm signing up for like a 1699 Go-Go in-flight My dick is receding into my body Well, that's the altitude A lot of it is the altitude That's true

It's like a bag of chips Except the opposite Bigs, man You see, Findem guys on the flights Just like ordering the, you know The annual pass to the Go-Go Or just jerking off a little blanket And they're going to hop to like

United in the next flight Wait a second But for real We need to slow I need to parse a little bit Of that question Okay, let's break it up into chunks First of all, gay

Who saw that coming? Yeah, what the fuck I would as well The name like Raul actually did Suspect Second of all But wait, read it again And weep

Yes Read it and weep Yes I'm about to reread this entire Question, but in chunks A little bit Just a little bit Okay, a little taste

About six months ago I hooked up with a guy We already got that out of the way Cool He and I only slept together once But we texted for a while Before and after He told me he wanted to

Have his hands tied While we did it Because he wanted to explore kinky sex Alright, so like I always doubt that The person having sex with you For the first time Is exploring something

It's more just like You know, this is my thing Yeah I've already explored Rather than you picturing me Do this with a bunch of people I'll say like, hey, I'll try it with you And that's fine

Right, whatever I'm saying that's cool So far so good And it's tying him up So all good Right, yeah, all is cool He presented it nicely So I want to try this

Are you down? I went along with it Because he seemed pretty tame In the grand scheme of things I love that The grand scheme of things Yeah, in terms of kittiness Isles cutting off people's heads

I mean, this guy's supposed to be To tie him up, like That's nothing Way to use ISIL, by the way Yeah, I know I'm down with Barry Whatever Barry says I'm for After a while we stopped texting

And I didn't hear from him Last night he texted me Saying he wants to try Financial domination Where the sub sends the dom Money I guess the subservient Sends the dominant guy money

Meaning he wants to just I think it's submissive Submissive? Submissive, yeah Submissive It's not like Subservient It's not like the bourgeois

And the proletariat It's like a guy fucking another dude And we need a name I'm gonna just watch the Hunger Games Dick in the butt Which is cool He wants to randomly send me Money to get him off

Wow He's saying that he'd pay me To let him rub my feet I'm really thrown off By this whole idea He doesn't care about rubbing feet either He just wants to pay the money Yeah

Like it's all about it Oh, so that's it So it's not just Paying money in the abstract It's like I think that's what it is Like anyway Cause I read this thing about

I just Find him You don't just like Venmo people 40 bucks Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And jerk off to like When you get the paypal receipt back There's like all these subsets

Like some people like to be blackmailed Like they'll go on a webcam Tell a dumb Like What, like Their deepest, darkest secrets are And then they'll like Stort that person's money

Oh, damn Cause I was gonna say like Have you heard of prostitutes? Like that's the thing you can pay That seems like You look like you're just trying to But that's interesting It's not just being separated

From your money It's like being told You have to So this person doesn't just like Get to chilling Have money That's very interesting I get that

It's a job This guy's offering you a job But it's also like I get it because You know, if sex is a little A lot of it's about like Power or whatever And like subverting that

Like the power of money And wanting to be like Spanked for your little money What's more powerful than cash? I'm with you But I will say your delivery Made it seem Immediately less powerful

I want it to disagree I hate that I agree with you But I also, I Moolah, baby Both did spend all the time Proving that point It's not a black and white issue It's a green issue

You know what I mean? I do want off the podcast Okay, so like There'd be a lot of advisor questions For Raul I mean Raul's partner Or Raul's friend But for Raul it's like

Dude, like he's going to get off Wherever Like you're not going to Solve this This is what he's getting off of Yeah, there's not anything Like really wrong with him Unless he's like

Liquidating his assets And like on the street But if he's like Kicking you somebody who cares And that's where the responsibility Comes in Maybe Raul is the right person For the job

Because he's even concerned About it in the first place Yeah, yes I think you have to Anyway, I don't know If I think this Or if I just only think it Because I read this article

But all these doms So you have to be very empathetic Because people will just Rob these guys blind What do you mean? You're saying the doms Have to be empathetic Yeah, yeah

And he seems like an empathetic dom He does Empathetic He does He does So I think he's probably The right man for the job It seems like he wants

Some sort of gay lottery He doesn't know what to do With the ticket I know He's like this can't be real Right? It says doesn't it? Do I just take the money?

Do I just Yeah It's like that thing Where they put like an open wallet On the ground in New York City And no one picks it up Because they're like Fuck you

That can't be Yeah, I think it's like You did it, Raul Take it Strike while the iron's hot What would you do? I think I guess I'm like

Kind of good on money right now So I wouldn't want this job In addition to podcasting And writing and stuff Right Because you feel like You would owe him something But you know if I was in college

And you do That's the thing It's not so simple as You just get this guy's money And you walk away Isn't that part of The financial domination though? Yeah, but there's like

Just the cash Yeah, but there's like A weird role you have to play Within that, right? He has to give you the money A certain way that gets him off Like if you just If you're like

A really crisp I guess it depends What kind of sub you are You really should find out What kind of sub is Before you do it I'm sure there's a bus You please

That shiny de-bloom That's what gets him off You're flipping the de-bloom Like Ebony just Scrooge at the end Throwing the coins to the kids To buy the big turkey Like out the window

He probably got so off on that Scrooge McDuck Just fucking swimming through the coins Exactly That sounds dope I would do that I think he has to find out What kind of

Spitting the coins out What he does when he comes up Yeah Water is cash to him You need a little more information You want to find out What kind of Serious sub this guy wants you to be

Serious saying What kind of dom This guy wants you to be Specifically if it were you You wouldn't do it Yeah I probably wouldn't want to do it Because it seems like it's a little too

It comes with a responsibility That you don't want to deal with Yeah It's kind of heavy Yeah Bo I'm a sub So this doesn't work

I couldn't even possibly put myself on this No You know what I think he'd go for I mean do you like The thing is The problem is What I'm not hearing is

Oh yeah Because I just think like You know A healthy relationship If that's what you want from this dude It's about being You know Freaks for each other

Right You know I think that's cool I think that's cool So I'm all for experimenting a little bit Yeah And like Experimenting with free money What are we talking about

That's like a great experiment You can experiment and get paid Yeah Do you know how many You know how much people work To have money usually You get to cut that part out I do agree with you though

It's weird There's just It's sticky Especially if you don't Just know what This is one of the rare questions Where I say I wouldn't do it

But you totally should Don't do as I say Yeah Don't do as I do Do as I say Yeah I'll say take the money and run You can't run

Why not Because you have to do Some fucking weird things So this guy can come Well What if he comes to running There you go Imagine the treadmill

That's great The stickiest treadmill ever What if he just like That opening scene in Glorious Bazzars Where she's running to the distance I mean that's what he wants Baby I'll drink my milk

You take my You know I'd say Embrace the beauty of what's happening Yeah It's a rare treat You found a jewel Pick it up

You found a wallet in the street In New York Have at it Alright We got another question From another dude With another name What is that name

Dangan What's that Dangan Dangan D-A-N-G-R-I-N Last name Smith I'm done thinking this shit

It took me all the fucking juice In my brain to come up with Dangan That is one of my favorite names You gotta handle that Dangan Smith writes Hey guys My family and I are taking a trip

To the Bahamas soon The trip is the makeup For my graduation trip last year Which was moved Due to my grandmother Having health issues Thankfully she's fine now Here's my odd dilemma

Boy is this a white guy question Here we go We are writing this I mean the privilege of your life Oh your 80 year old grandmother Is fading away She threw the woods on this one Replacement for my graduation gift

Holy shit We took a heart from a healthy kid In an only poor neighborhood I'm guessing the word Syria won't be Appearing in the rest of this question I don't think I can make I don't think I can take my baton The weapon kind

To the Bahamas When I go through customs Reason being is because I feel for the kid I feel for this kid Reason being is because My family is chartering a private plane So they will go through our luggage

Very thoroughly Fuck off However I think I need Is this real I think I need This is such a dangren What a fucking dangren frothing

He's in a long line of dangrens Oh my dangren the seventh Oh my god so many dang's Not out of friends However I think I need one While I'm in Some of the areas we'll be going

I feel that my family And myself of course Could be in danger at times So Jake and me Or my question is And Bo Do I sneak something In my bag past customs

If so what Keep in mind I'm not really a knife guy Or B Do I Do I find something When I'm there Keep in mind

It'll be in rougher areas So maybe I can get something While I'm down there Thanks guys Really love the show Thank Love Dangren Smith

Well first of all I like that he thinks There's a chance That he might be able to Go out into a rough area And acquire a weapon When he's on vacation I don't know Bo

What do you think This one's That's rougher This kid sounds like A fuck Like a true You can lay it in I mean I'm just saying

Like your family Our goal is to not Advise him on what Weapon he could Private Some rich kids Worried about if he can Bring his baton

On his private plane Yeah Very rich weapon To have in the first place To take his makeup Bahamas I imagine he's not going to A very rough area

Of the Bahamas If he's getting there On a private jet Yeah I don't think so And if there's bad guys I don't know what him And his baton Would be able to really do

God I thought one of the Joys of flying private Was that they don't Like they're not like The We could bring your batons Bring your batons

My private I thought that was What it was Yeah wasn't that the Logline That's how they sell you On it I bet his grandmother

Wasn't a good person I'm just saying It sounds like old white money And I don't think any of that's good She was the daughter of Slave owners I don't I mean she

Yeah It's hard to be old Rich and nice It's usually two of these Yeah I bet her last word Was something about the Colored nurse Make sure she didn't lift

Anything off my person I'm saying this is where We as winding men Need to stand With a baton With a little self-hate No that is Is that the richest question

You've ever That's the richest question I've ever heard That's up there We get a lot of questions About like Kids who are Backpacking through Europe

And like Yeah but that's It's own thing You can do that in the budget I mean this kids I mean says Just swimming and money Again like Scrooge McDuck

Swimming in gold coins I think this could Easily be Raoul's lover There's a good chance I mean this kid is Throwing away money The thread goes through Every question of our

This episode I'm sorry none of this Was kind when I said No it's okay No it's fine I just don't I um Isn't a baton just a stick Yeah

What's he gonna work Couldn't he not acquire a stick When he's in the Bahamas I thought of a Thomas on me A twirled Yeah it's like a tea stick Oh it's a tiny It's a tiny

It's like the British Bobby's When you're in the airport See if you can buy Devil sticks Oh And that's three batons Right there

You're fashion that together You start warding off All sorts of bad guys Did you ever have the Devil sticks Oh yeah totally Then the skippets We should get a pair of devil

Skippets We should get a pair of Devil sticks for the office I don't want to get too Distracted but load up Amazon Buy devil sticks That's really distracting Of course

Baton feels just like A really rich term for a stick He found a stick And it's like mother I found a baton It's like oh dangren There's batons all over the yard This season

It's like fuck Jesus Christ He seems to be like A nunchuck kid Do you ever have a nunchuck friend The kid that like Kind of fucked with nunchucks Yeah

I never had a friend Like dangren I'm sorry I don't know what this is I'm sorry My The makeup trip for my graduation Which is makes

They weren't allowed to go into But if I'm being mean I apologize But what it sounds like Is like oh man I didn't get to do anything For graduation Cause grandma died

It's like we'll make it up to you We'll go to the Bahamas graduation from high school Or college I would guess high school Alright Well I mean either way Graduating is so like

Yeah bottom of the That's base level is the graduating I guess And also if it's college Then that's like a present Your parents already gave you To go to college in the first place Yeah and like

It's like a party Where like your aunt's sitting down And you're like Have a beer like at 10 o'clock And you're like whoa I mean isn't that what like Graduation parties are Graduation parties are like

Hop in the jet guys Did you bring your baton No sorry Like all of the The whole family getting cornered But truly I'm not someone that like A gang of islanders with I have nothing mother

And I'm not some like Inherently self hating white dude That thinks like all white people's Problems are not legitimate But this one's definitely not Not being able to bring a baton To the Bahamas on your private plane Feels like what

In like what What white propaganda cartoons Would be like If they were made now Where it's like we're not like that I'm definitely for Like everything is kind of subjective And I understand that like

Everyone struggles with things But I do I'll go on record and say That Dengren is not experiencing Anything close to the real world No I don't I think Very few people live in such a bubble

That they are upset That they can't bring a baton On their private jet Yeah my advice would be Dengren brace for the real world Brace for impact It is coming I feel a little bit

How satisfying would it be To just see his private plane Explode Oh my gosh In a twirling baton Crash into the Atlantic We found this stick But besides that

There's no evidence Oh mercy Single tear Rolling down the grandmother's cheek She's the only survivor Oh my god she's unbreakable Think about it She was sick last year and survived

The plane crash didn't get her Oh she's better now Yeah Oh okay so that's fine Yeah So this guy He's never even experienced The loss of a grandmother

I know That's like the most base level First sad thing that happens And it's like nothing It's like The very first bad thing He has an 18 year old goldfish That won't die either

Amazing Yeah hamsters just Constantly pets around him Never ceasing to live No they've died multiple times But the maid goes out And gets new ones And it's like Dengren

Sorry I was taking your goldfish For a while Several days They've died Exactly And the goldfish replaced them It's very beautiful Dengren is not allowed to

Experience sadness There was pain at all The closest he's ever ever come No no no no no no Dengren does not know about 9-11 Has not been told about 9-11 He was born on 9-11 It's gonna be sort of sad

In the cockpit And the pilot's gonna come back With a baton And say Dengren We got this for you I know They'll carve it out Like the femur of a dead child

In the Bahamas Like a starving dead child And he still won't be satisfied This isn't my baton from home This Leaves it in the hotel room This is not probably good advice I think it is

But then again I haven't been Listening for the past 11 minutes We're not even recording Oh good I feel bad No don't feel bad Alright fine We're all done to people

A lot worse than this I think he can find a piece of driftwood on the beach And use it as a weapon I also think though That sometimes introducing a weapon Into a situation Will escalate said situation Say worst case scenario

Don't think it's gonna happen But some islanders are trying to rob you But that's the other racist shit about this That like I'm hearing Which is like We're going to a brown island I must bring my baton What the fuck do you think you're into

Like you're fine You're gonna go to like Sandals Resort And drink And like eat free saucer I've been to those places Like in Mexico Like in Cancun Where they don't let you off

Like the entrance to it You can't leave It looks like Jurassic Park Like enormous fucking gate You have to have four forms of identification To get onto it They don't let people Who want to hurt you

Or they don't let anybody That you might think Who would want to hurt you Into it He's imagining him and his family Tied up in a giant bowl of boiling water Surrounded by this island tribe Like oh we're poor

Yeah We want to kill you Put your money Some sort of financial domination son Shit Alright in conclusion You'll be fine Don't bring a weapon

Odds are your family's gonna be safe Forever probably Yeah forever Forever Forever safe Congrats dude Alright let's take a little break We'll thank a few sponsors

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Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace And we're back Bo Burnham I saw your Netflix comedy special

Thanks I saw it too So good Huge fans Thank you I didn't just see it Because you were coming on the show I'm actually a pretty big fan of yours

Oh God I don't know if you know this Well, maybe you don't We used to at the College Humor Office Me and Amir and a few other people Our job was to find videos To put on College Humor Oh yeah, I remember being there

And when there were new Bo Burnham The two videos We wouldn't even like It's not like we watched them to review them We would just like have you Everyone in that office would just go Oh that's very sweet Doing that sketch with you guys

Was so fun Playing Piano Get Laid Playing Piano Get Laid Yeah, it was really fun Which is one we should have met But the comedy special is so mature And evolved and adult And it's so impressive for not only

Someone your age You're so fucking tech-heavy Oh thanks Holy shit The cues on that are like Yeah, it was a different process With this one Like the last one I did on Netflix was a

Well what's it called first of all This one's called Make Happy The one before was called What And the one I did with that I was just sort of like experimenting With little lights and sound And tech and stuff And this one

I hired a sound guy Hired a lighting guy And we I sort of wrote the bits With the tech in mind And then we rented out a little Warehouse in Philadelphia And like teched the show fully

With the lights for two days And then traveled with it Did you travel with that? Yeah, yeah The thing is like the show Looked exactly the same When it was in other venues Like as far as the specials

Like you know Adding all this tech onto it That is the show that we've been doing Like after every show We'd talk about the cues And what worked and what didn't So the tech of the show was worked With the show

You know what I mean It was actually part of the product It was so precise Like down to the split Yeah, they knew the show inside I mean it was like We were sort of like a little weird That has to be the hardest thing

Because like we We have like a single fucking music cue Or something And it comes on four minutes late Like as we're off the stage It's I mean that's almost as hard As like writing the show

Yeah, they were good And we were like in sync By the end with it But yeah, it was like trial It was just like working We worked out the tech The same way we worked out the material You know, just feeling it out

And by the end Like they were They were on the same page As me timing-wise So you do a whole tour And then the last show is the special? Yes, sort of Yeah, I did a few more this year

After it And you tape one show And that's it Tape two performances in one night That's awesome And I noticed you kept in Like heckling and stuff like that Yeah, it kept one thing in

Just because it was like You know, it just happened It happens a lot of my shows And they're like weirdly They sound like positive heckles Which is the problem Because I think the problem Of my show is that

It sends out the impulse Of a concert a lot And in a concert You can scream as much as you want But then all of a sudden It gets really, really quiet And everyone's still like Whoa, whoa

I feel like people just Don't quite know what to do And you mentioned that in the show When it switch gears So it's like, you know I don't mind it As much as other people do Right

But it's just like Just, you know, just calm down A little bit Right And then how much Do you think? 20% just like Oh, I don't know

I hope that it sort of Just bleeds into each other You know, I feel like Before my stuff felt like You know, a dude Little poetry of jokes And music and stuff But I hope now it all

Kind of just blends into One weird thing Right You know, where it's like Because I don't really think About that And it's funny I was reading your AMA

You did a Reddit AMA yesterday Yeah And you were talking about You are a fan Wow Yeah Actually, I was a mod on that AMA

You never answered all my questions You were talking about Your character on stage Yeah Which is so interesting Because it's just It's just you Yeah

But it's you acting as though You're somebody else Because we're talking to you now And you're a different you Than the Bo on stage Oh, yeah, for sure I mean, well, like When I am up there

It's like, you know Three years of working To be like that For an hour So that isn't me at all Do you have to get into character? You just walk on stage No, no, no

It's just like That's how the material's done For the right purpose There's a bunch of weird stuff In the show for me Just about this show In particular Is supposed to be about

The weird relationship People have with their audience And Yeah So part of it is playing With the distance of What I actually am Versus that

And you know Part of it is like Clarifying it is Too much would take The rug out from underneath it Where part of it's supposed To be a little strange You're not supposed

To know what's real And what's not And what's honest And you know There's so many I just find the honest comedians Getting up and talking about Their honest days

And their multi-multi-millionaires And flying private They're like They're dangling And they're acting Like they're every man So for me It's just

The show A lot of the show is about Just trying to Throw a little light On what is really honest About this And can we be honest With each other

And is this real Or is this You know Am I pandering to you Or am I doing a little of both Am I a hypocrite You know And not trying to resolve

That stuff Just kind of like ask it What I like the most About I like a lot of stuff But what I notice the most Is even within your songs You are like

Responding to what you think The insults will be About the songs Like your love song That ends with like Talking about how you're You know everything Because you're 25

I forget the exact line It's just like You already know How people are going to like React to a 25-year-old Telling them about How love And the thing of like

That's the weird way That things are communicated now It's just like Especially on like Digital platforms Is that like Before you even say The thing you're qualifying

The thing It's all like me Watching you Watching me Watching you You know It's just like Straight for

The straight forward Narrative version of standup That I think people love And I love Because it's so stripped down In a world full of all this Bullshit you just kind of Have someone getting up

And saying something unfiltered I like that But I also wanted to Make a theater out of Make some weird show out of How confusing it is Out of the fact that like This is weird

I'm standing up here And you're out there And this is strange And you know I'm trying to Manipulate you to like me But I'm also calling out The fact that that's happening Right

Yeah and there's no like Answer There's no conclusion That you want anyone to draw Let's all think about the same thing Yeah exactly I'm happy like For like 13-year-olds

When they grow up Like sociology professors I'm happy to say See what they think But right now I just think There's so many new things Happening so quickly

That for me I have no thesis I just have like a description Of what it feels like Which is just like Dizzying and strange And messy and weird And gross Yeah

Yeah And ultimately kind of nice Yeah of course But you guys feel And I think everyone feels That like on a certain level Not even if they have A giant audience

I feel like everyone Has their own little audience And Yeah I mean That's kind of strange When this stuff happens to us It's like It doesn't feel surreal

And I'm like It's this weird thing That I can't The easy thing to be as Or the easy thing to say Is like Oh yeah it's all It's so insane

It's crazy And I really appreciate it But at the same time Like all this stuff Washes over me in some way too Like I don't even fucking Notice a lot of this Yeah and I think

We're so used to it And I think like Right You're not allowed to say that Isn't that different Than like My sister on Instagram Or I'm just saying

My sister As a performer and audience And that's no weird You know Your sister's on Instagram Not a private account Handle She's a private account

Handle What's her name? You realize Roe Rosie Rosie You're so close Roe Burnham

Rosie Burnham Rosie O'Donnell's my sister Oh my god Rosie O'Donnell Actually did reach out to me And said she liked my special And that was very surreal That's fucking cool

I was like Am I in a league of my own? No I did that That's my only brag I'll ever do Rosie O'Donnell But yeah So You know

I'm just Who knows I think people are skeptical Of a lot of stuff And I just think Celebrity is the worst Fucking thing in the world Yeah

I'm a hypocrite for saying that I know I know I'm a hypocrite For saying that But you have to be Hypocrite to say it Right I'm like

When people are like Yeah but you want I'm like Yeah no shit That's how I know this thing That's why I know it Yeah Because I'm like

In it and it's so weird The best thing in the world Is to not have an audience On the stage While speaking to an audience Yeah of course It's a real moment Yeah and everyone's like

Wait but And I'm like Yeah the but is the part of it I'm saying that It's meant to be Predictory and strange How much of it Like this social media stuff

You seem like your Wiser cynical beyond it Like I don't want to like Use Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram Do you feel like You have to use it To self promote

Or are you Oh well I think I think it's fine for purposes I like sign up for Snapchat The other day And immediately I'm like Oh this is I'm going to delete this

In 24 hours This is really strange But I just did it Because I love the filters I just wanted to like See a little dog on my face That's so fun But no I don't think

They're inherently bad I mean like And I You know I'll throw out a joke Or promote things I think it's good to connect With people I just think it's like

I think like It's over sharing is a little Gross or you know They're just gross parts of it I'm not It's not about like That this thing is evil It's horrible

It's more that just like It doesn't seem to be questioned At any point It doesn't seem Or it doesn't seem to be like No one seems skeptical Towards any part of it And it's like

I'm just saying like Aren't we all kind of feeling gross Aren't we all a little sick To our stomach Aren't we all like Don't we all just kind of Feel more bummed out And like less happy

Because of this thing And like so unsatisfactory Are you as addicted as Most people our age To these things Oh sure So you're waking up And checking it right away

To feed and all that But I'm not really I'm not addicted to like Posting at all Yeah yeah I don't like sharing things I don't share Any of my personal life with it

I think that's You know And all these like And I'm not very famous But very famous people that You know Complain about Like their life being invaded

It's like You invade your own life You share everything The only reason people care About your relationship Is because you're talking About it all the time Yeah

Most of these people Tell the paparazzi Sometimes when they're going To restaurants Yeah of course Absolutely the paparazzi Were outside this club On Santa Monica Boulevard

It's like Are you out of your Fucking gourd But you know Whatever Who knows I just think like Comedy being

Embedded with celebrity Is just sucks You know Other things I get But comedy is supposed to like Speak truth to power And like if there I don't think there's

Another form of power It's supposed to like reflect Things too So it makes sense that That I don't know That it's not really like A point that needs to be made

But just to say This is crazy Yeah and I think a lot of Comedians and I get it You know As older comedians That are impulses to Let's throw all that

Let's leave all that shit outside And just talk the real shit Or it's like Let's talk about Instagram But like Isn't Instagram crazy The way this happens And for me it's like

I can't even get there There's so much in the way Of me and you Having an honest conversation Because like This isn't a dinner Like what is this 2000 of you

Up to do this And I'm gonna get up And act all like You know So for me it's like The show is like Striving to be on The idea of the show

I think is it's striving To be honest But it's trying to get past All this bullshit first And it never gets there You know So that's what the show You can't have an honest

Conversation so it's better Just be honest about what's Like the transaction that's Happening Yeah the dishonesty That's happening And I think People

Closer to You know What is our generation Coming up And we're obsessed with that Because I think that's the That's the The way we communicate

Is by calling out how Disingenuous the former Communication is I mean everyone's just like Ironically tweeting Like How bad Twitter is And it's so cool to have found

Solace on this app Not You know what I'm like Man we just can't talk to Each other There's just so much Crap in the way You know

But again I very much appreciate And like And am so happy for Comedians that are able To get up And shut the world out And like

You know In my Like Gerard Carmichael Is my age When I watch him It's like oh man He's able to just put Everything out of his mind

And you do feel like You're just having a Conversation with him You do feel like The world disappears And he is just like Sitting talking with you I'm not able to do that

I do the exact opposite You know I just I try to Yeah I guess Draw attention to The things that

I probably should be Ignoring That's okay Have you thought about Make Funny? I've heard Make Funny a lot A lot of people say Make Funny

Make Happy And it's on Netflix And I highly recommend it Everybody has Netflix You can watch it right now That's very nice Do you want to try to answer One or two more questions

I definitely do Because I feel like I was very negative toward Dangren He deserved it I don't feel better I got an interesting one For you

And I think I think You won't hate this guy as much This guy seems like A good dude I don't feel like A hateful person I don't feel like

I hate a lot of I really don't There's something about I grew up in Northern Massachusetts And there was like that There were those rich kids Around

And I just think I have like a Childhood connection To hate those kids Like bow ties and blazers I just I get really angry I understand

This is A cool dude's name And it's a cool dude So what's a cool dude's name Motorcycle That's correct That's a cool dude thing Wait a second

Last name Smith I love that I think he's also Related Cousin Alright Hey guys

Motorcycle Smith here Long time listener First time writer I haven't had a problem That I thought I needed to Write about Until now My friend came out

As gay to me And only me A few months ago Which I'm totally Gucci about The issue is I think he wants me To give him some experience

Not so Gucci He's commented A couple of times That he thinks I'm cute And while I appreciate the compliment I sense a deeper motive Like

When he straight up Asked if he could Give me a blow job He's been a What's the subtext there How do you read between the lines What does he mean? I don't

He's been a great friend To me all throughout high school And I think he's The jake to my amir Or vice versa So maybe I should Just let him Give me a bro job

To equal all the Times he's been there For me I mean I like blow jobs And I'm no stranger To the act But from a dude

My best dude I'm not sure Would it be wrong But maybe I should Just let him For an early Christmas gift Or something Or just leave it

Until he finds An equally gay pal To do it At least that guy Would enjoy it If one of you two Came out as gay Would you let

The other one Suck you off For experience Thanks Love motorcycle P.S. come to Wales No I come to Wales

All the time I watch Free Willy And jerk off I will say You're a good friend Yeah No just I mean that

You're like a good friend Just for even considering it Yeah Just for like Being cool about it For entertaining the notion Yeah yeah I agree

I almost feel like Any decision you come to Is right I'm just saying At this point the fact that You seem like You're in such a good headspace He was so thoughtful about it

Is it possible that he's That this guy might be A little bit gay? This guy? Yeah Right motorcycle? Yeah I mean to entertain it

So much to the I don't think so Like I don't think there's any world Where I would consider Letting a mirror blow me Whoa I'm right here dude

I'm sorry What if it's someone You knew less Would you be more Less inclined to do it No For say a Bo Burnham type

Not necessarily you But I can tell you I can No it's happening It's happening Everybody listening at home Thought the boat just blew me No I mean he's what

He's like a high school kid Yeah Yeah it's not It first of all is not weird Whatever I mean the weirdness would be Like whatever happens going forward I don't think it's a problem

That he's saying that to you I think the fact His lack of coiness Is actually appreciated Yeah He's saying that Like can I do this You know

I think you can go I think like if you want Like if you want to do that for him Sure I mean I think Such a huge favor For the rest of the It's not a huge favor to let someone blow you

There are bigger favors in the world Than letting someone blow you Yeah like blowing them That would be a bigger favor That's a bigger favor for example I mean You seem like you're not completely Uncomfortable

I wouldn't say you seem gay But you seem not uncomfortable with it But even In the spectrum of being like You know In the Kinsey scale Yeah the Kinsey scale He seems like he has

I don't know which is Six is the most gay And zero is the The least gay you can be This guy's maybe a two Yeah And I guess if you're a two

And you're comfortable with it Then that's fine Yeah basically it comes down to whatever I don't think you should get a blowjob Or give a blowjob based Only on a favor Well then It should be two favors

I'm gonna revoke half of the blowjobs You've received in your entire life You think what that girl Is hungry for your cock Every time you give me a break You're brought into dinner Oh my god Jesus Christ

If favor blowjobs are out of the Out of the question Where what are left This is a hundred percent of favor What's the other kind A hundred percent It's It's too much of a

A one-sided Yeah I don't know that this guy wants to Give a blowjob that's like Yes he does He just wants to feel dick in his mouth I feel like he's the guy That's gay and hasn't blown someone I feel like your

Virtual reality is a good compromise here This guy puts on the goggles He's looking down He's seeing a chick He's getting blown It's actually the guy Suddenly everyone's getting off In a positive way

The guy's getting off To getting his dick sucked by a virtual woman The guy who's blowing is enjoying it Because he gets to suck his best friend's dick Yeah I'm just not sure I'm saying what is the scenario for you Jake What's the bad way this pans out

Because I'm saying the worst way it pans out Is like for me He goes soft or something It's like sorry I'm not gay this doesn't work I guess my fear It gets complicated It's already a little complicated

Because they're talking about it I'm not saying do it But I'm saying it's not like Don't do it Right I'm not trying to scare him too much But there's a world to me Where he has an experience

That he didn't really want to It's an uncomfortable thing for him The friendship gets ruined Maybe he grows to resent him in the future Maybe that makes him Have a distrust A deep-rooted distrust for gay people Oh

No He's so young He's so young that he's That You're saying this could set him up on a Path to getting Homophobic I'm saying there's a world where this guy feels

Pressured into letting somebody blow him That he doesn't want to blow him And I don't think that that's a good Okay let me get a question for you Yeah He's Motorcycle's friends with a lesbian Who says

I'm I know this is not totally comparable But I'm just saying like I think there's a little bit of like You know if you're not into it Who you know whatever He has a lesbian friend Who says

I'm never blown a guy I am very curious Now that would be totally fine Oh shit I'm homophobic Cause that's like I think that's a little bit I just thought that was hot Not just

Not homophobic It's not homophobic It's more like Then whatever You put a little All your friends pickle in your mouth Who cares 2016

So you're saying zoom out To the point where blowjobs Don't really mean anything But wait is that Does that make me homophobic I know I'm one of these things Not homophobic No it's fine

I'm either like I might be homophobic Or I might Not respect women Cause I'm like Oh you know I don't want these two homophobes Well I think homophobes

And that go Hand in hand often I think a lot of homophobes You suck dick That's like what women do Now truthfully I do think that like A lot of homophobes

Are misogyny Just like in Other clothing I really I might be like There might be Some sort of deep rooted Homophobia in me

But I try really hard To be open But I guess what I feel when I think about This type of thing Is like I really want Everybody to have

A very enriching sexual Experience Yeah And in like The rainbows and butterflies World where like Everyone's happy That I always try to create

I want this gay man Who wants to blow Another guy To find a gay guy So they can like 69 each other And have like A beautiful simultaneous climax

Versus him like Blowing A half-chubby dick In his parent's basement Okay I get that But I would say that In the real world of

Sexual Congress Being pretty messy And emotionally manipulative And a little terrifying Two friends That are kind of like Should I do it?

It's like you know Like whatever I'm saying there's It's really easy for me To come around to that That idea I'm just saying Because I feel like

If it was like A guy and a girl Or I mean Give me a break If it was two women If it was two girls No, no, no

But no, no, no This is true Tell me If it was two girls right now And a girl was like I guess I'd let my friend Go down on me You'd be going like

Oh, letter You'd be like Do it now I think there's a Would you be going That'd be weird And don't do that with her There's a part of me that feels

Totally fine with girls Right, they're making out What's wrong But even like I'd be more conflicted But my advice would be the same Because I don't want people to have The only

I guess like A lesbian blowing a guy No, I get that That's different for Because he's enjoying it Yeah, like Right And she's got

No access to Another penis Or not necessarily no access But like He has no access to other I'm saying he's like In the closet And really probably scared

Just came out to him Right I'm so scared to go in the world Can I just like Put it in my mouth For a second My life is hell I'd be like

You know Go for it, dude We're friends Like it's fine Why don't you say like Hey, dude I respect where you're coming from I don't want you to suck my dick

But we're going to find you That's good Totally But I'm saying I think that's your solution He's going like Should I do it? And I'm saying

You as yourself Who have no interest in that Are saying I truly think If he had no interest He wouldn't even be Entertainment Because it's not like

He's like I really don't want this And I feel guilty He's going like Should I? And I'm like I don't know Dude, should you?

Maybe you should I think the answer is like Hey, if you're interested Then Yeah If you have or if you're like If you're like I could do it

Do it I think if it's like Sure Yeah If you're anything If you're like not You're saying If you're anything over

51% Just roll down the mountain What about you? What do you think? So like It really comes down to How comfortable you are With getting blown by your friend

Uh Why don't you Why don't you Baby step towards it Have them jerk you off a little I don't know See that No, no

See that Maybe hug Make out with them No, there's another That's like I think that's Go on a couple of dates Like that would be

Much stranger making out You'd rather have a friend Blow you than Make out with them Yes I think so You said it so definitively And you're like

Let me figure out If that's the truth To me Yeah I mean like You can't I couldn't imagine Picturing a girl

While I'm making out with a guy Well you can close your eyes Under them covers though Who knows what's happened Hell yeah dude Woo Ow Ow

Ow I'm saying If I was a 15 year old kid And my best friend Was gay And I was the only one He told me when he was like For the love of God please

I'd be like I'm not a hard no I'm not a hard no I'm comfortable But are you a hard yes Are you hard at all I'm hard regardless I'm always hard

We're trying to be out of these jokes We're trying to be progressive Tell me about it dude I'm so serious We can be fair that like There's some double standards Happening somewhere about this Yeah

You know Totally But why Well because we're terrible Men are still Straight men are still terrified Of being perceived as gay And it's not

You can still be Totally accepting But I understand If you're a Like In general women aren't attracted Heterosexual women aren't attracted to men That they think are gay

So we really Even if we're completely accepting We don't want to be seen as that Because we think it's unattractive Even if we're not bigoted at all It's just like I want to be You know You want to be strong

Yeah As opposed to women Who Can feel free to experiment Or identify as something Because Because that's sexy to me You know

So it's all weird shit Fucking weird shit man So if I were you Would you do it You say no You say I'd say hey How the wind blows

The wind is their friend's name right I Yeah exactly How the dangren blows I would personally Probably not do it You gotta be super open minded To be down with it

That's like I think this guy's a great friend For even entertaining the thought Yeah you don't You don't know the friend though I'm saying I'm not I'm not a picture in a 15 year old boy Doing it

I'm saying if I was 15 I have a best friend I'm the first person he tells And then he's like I've never done it with anyone I'm saying like You gotta put yourself fully In those shoes

This is the only podcast In the world where we will advise 15 year old boys to blow each other And that was before the question was asked Alright That's our time Both thank you for coming on the show I am

You know There's a lot to be learned From those three questions I wish the pool had been a little wider So we could have learned more about Me as an advice giver Just know Any time you want to come back

I want to emphasize for people It's a very We got a very small Field to make any assumptions by That's true So that being said Save your judgment We do have 14,000 emails

In our email box We'll have you back on the show We'll answer questions Because right now I think I see Like a Gay Occupy Wall Street I think that's what I come up with There are worse things

We just find There are way worse things you can do Which isn't wrong But it's a bigger picture than that Yeah I was trying to think about What kind of shirt a gay Occupy Wall Streeter Would come up with

And I don't know Break the bank Something about Break the Hmm Just give me a second There you go Good riffs come with time

No I Good riffs take time It really should It really should be instant Anything else you want to promote besides Your Netflix special No it's just that Your new Snapchat

No I'm gonna off it I won't even say the name I put like my name The handle on Twitter In the description And I've taken it all off It's gonna be gone by the time it's coming up

It was miserable The filters are fun Filters are fun I've always said that The opening theme song Once again it was written by Kyle This closing one is Matt Killer-Kowalski If you have more questions

Theme song submissions Anything that email address for everything Is if I reuse show At gmail.com Bo once again Thank you for coming on our show Thanks for having me No doubt come back whenever

To the hell you want And we'll be back next week This is That was fun I could I truly could have done that For three hours That was really fun It's really fun

Yes dude Yes dude Yeah yeah Jacob Mipsley save us Yes dude Yes dude Yeah Call Amir up

Yeah Call Josh all up Yeah Don't die in Starbucks Oh yes dude Can you please save me For my conundrums Oh I've been so dumb

Oh yes dude Can't stop sweating Been fretting all day See I'm a mess dude Got piles of stress I got all of these questions To get off my chest dude Life just left swipe me

I'm in a cesspool Someone advise me I'll call the best dudes If I were you But at least they're truthful I need some new goals Like a 12 bus jack off Try to seize these cheeses

But I got stuck in my crab paws Oh yes dude Let's start the show now Just email them in They'll give you know how Their answers contrast They'll put you on blast What I would do is

Mama turned on the podcast Yes dude Yes dude Jacob Mipsley save us Yes dude