If I Were You - 224: Role Play (Live in LA!)

Episode Date: July 11, 2016

In this episode we discuss belly button lint, STD's, and kissing your mother, live at Resident in Downtown LA!This episode is brought to you by NatureBox and BlueApron.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Jake and Amir! How are you guys doing? Very exciting. This is a really intimate show. This is like that unplugged shit they tell you about. Yeah, yeah, this is super intimate. Yeah, unplugged but with microphones that are plugged. Who here has been to one of our live shows before? Cool. Who here is first time? That's about half you guys. Yeah. Time to peace actually. Really? Yeah, this is for everybody that's already been here. They're sort of like hardcore fans. That's a bad rule. Yeah, that's true. I usually walk half the shows this way.

Yeah, it's a it eliminates any signs of growth. Mm-hmm. Yeah So you know that. Yeah, and you still want it to happen. Me and my half of the fans here We really want those folks out. What are for those of you listening at home? This is their first show. They're checking out the podcast. They hear good things. They're interested. Should they keep listening according to you? Fuck off, dude. We all about that. Hashtag Brexit. Close the borders. What? I'm serious. We are a sovereign nation. If I were you, we want those other fuckers out of here. Which other fucker? Who said yeah? You're a low-key asshole. I was doing a bit, but you're actually bad.

A low-key asshole in a high-key world. Thank you. So for those of you who don't know, this is if I were you. It's an advice show, an advice podcast. People will email us and they're seeking our guidance, our wisdom. We usually record this alone, scared, naked, afraid, cold, freezing cold in our studio. Yeah, that's true. But sometimes we do live shows just like this one in front of all of our new friends and family. So thank you guys so much for coming and supporting the show. Thank you. Guys, thank you for supporting live theater.

Yeah, it's such an honor. Take a bow. Absolutely. Absolutely. Take a bow. Of course. Take a bow. You're a thespian. I'm a thespian. I'm a thespian. I'm an artist. You have a musical theater background, and it's so awesome to exercise. And namaste to you. Yes, absolutely. Likewise. I too am a thespian. I too am an actor, a student of the stage. We can sing, we can dance, we'll do none of that. Actually, would you dance? What? Would you care to dance?

Oh, I don't know if we have... Really? Do you guys want to see it? There was a board of crap. I guess I can try. Hey DJ, hit it! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hateful, vitriol. What? My god, that was, that was grotesque. Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! I don't quite understand the logic. We're from booing a mirror during the dance. You're just chanting my name afterwards. I mean, I'll take it.

I like, she couldn't help but cheer though. You guys were correct. I didn't know if booing or cheering would be funny, and we got a little bit of both. I also don't know what would be good. I guess cheering, because they booed me. We don't have to write this right now. Let's start the question and answer part of the show. Are you guys okay if we answer a little bit of questions in front of you? Yeah! Okay, this is a little unwieldy. Second.

One time? Oh, yeah. Oh? Have you guys heard my Tim Allen impression? Oh? Nice! That's Zachary Tye Bryant, so it actually means a lot to me. Richard Karn in the house.

Who is Richard Karn? He plays Al Borland. Oh, do you know he died recently? No, that was Wilson. So these are real emails from real people that we received over the last, let's say, 41 months. But we need fake names. Fake names to preserve their anonymity. What's the one you heard? I actually heard John Wolf, and this is the first audience that didn't yell Crandis.

Super, super loud in my face. I guess it already came up, Crandis. You feel a little lazy? You feel like a little complacent, you got the front row? I feel you. Okay. John Wolf himself. For himself. Right. Hey, dude. Cheers.

Oh, thank you. No, I just feel like you've been my best friend for a long time, and I just want to acknowledge that in front of everybody. Thank you so much. John Wolf. Right. Well, it doesn't actually mean anything if you don't click my glass. Let's click glasses. Click.

Well, that wasn't your glass. It's right over there. I fear if you don't, then I'll fall into a deep dark confession. You already are in that. All right. The light's getting bright and hot. Are you my best friend? What's that? Are you my best friend?

I set it into a microphone. You should be able to hear it. I am. Are you my best friend in the world? We definitely top eight, for sure, dude. Top eight? You're my MySpace top eight. Yeah, that's huge. My two T-Mobile top five.

Am I wearing the top eight? I hate to rank it this early in the game, but you're a single digits, and I think you should be proud of that. That's really cool. Todah. That's really cool. Todah Reba. I'll drink to that. John Wolf writes, Hey guys, long time fan, first time needing your advice.

So let me cut to the chase. I recently have entered into a relationship with a god damn dime. A 10 cent piece, if you will. The first person I actually care about more than myself. Things were going very swimmingly until we both tested positive for chlamydia. Huh? Yeah. Yeah, I know probably the wrong way around to do things.

Anyway, she has heaped all the blame squarely on herself and assumes that she got it from a previous partner who cheated on her. When she tearfully told me, she automatically thought I was going to break up with her. Of course I didn't, and being the cowardly hero I am, means that I have been somewhat conservative when it comes to the truth about my sexual past, saying that there is no way it could have come from me. That being said, there is in fact a distinct possibility that she may have actually gotten it from me. I would say 80% chance. Hi. It's a lot.

If you were me, would you let these sleeping dogs lie and leave her to accept the blame, making me look like the humble, supportive boyfriend and only have to deal with the guilt? Or do I come clean and let her know that maybe it wasn't her fault and risk her dumping my charlatan ass? Yeah. Who knew that you can get an STD from someone who doesn't have open sores, question mark? Planned Parenthood called me out on that shit. Tada, in advance for the advice. Thank you, John Wolf.

Let's give it up for Johnny Wolf. Jake Dugs. So he gave his girlfriend Chlamydia and she thought that she gave it to him and that he, I really like the term cowardly hero. Yeah. It's nice. It's an oxymoron for sure. And he, when he says conservative about my sexual past, he means lying about his sexual past. As a conservative would.

Yeah. I feel like there's, he said, let a sleeping dog lie. Like he didn't construct this reality. He made the dog. Yeah. He trained the dog to lie. Does he mean lay down or to actually not tell the truth? Because I read it as both.

That's actually really fucking cool. That I think that or that he, that's pretty artsy. Well, that's beautiful. Thank you. I guess. Dual meaning. Poetic, frankly. Appreciate it.

Yeah. What else you got? I don't have anything. Okay. What would you do if you were him? Would you let a sleeping dog fib? Yeah. You know what?

I feel like I might, for the good of the relationship, say, you know, who knows who gave who, Chlamydia. We both have it. We both are curing it. This is a silly little version of the past. I fucked a lot of people. Wait, what was that last part? I love you. Oh.

To pieces. Thank God. I thought you said something else. And I think that, you know, they're both, Chlamydia is one of the curable ones. Is that right? I got the whole gamut. So, Chlamydia doesn't really... Who here has had Chlamydia, actually?

By a show of clapp. I never copped that one. Yeah. Yeah, they're not like the new Yeezys. You don't cop diseases. They're like... They're Pokemon. Yeah.

You try to collect them all. Did you get the new diseases? Yeah. Yeah. Kanye sponsored a line of diseases. They're called... That's actually racist. What?

Yeah. I've been so much more racist in the past. You've encouraged it. All leading up to this moment where I could call you out on stage. That's something, I don't know, kind of a gray area more than anything else. For sure. She's the first person I care about more than myself. I would say that's a lie because he's considering lying to her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You definitely, you're still caring a lot about yourself. Yeah. You care about her so much, I'm willing to make her feel awful even though it's my fault. He assigned himself like a little bit of a hardship. He's like, I have to deal with the guilt. Yeah. Not the guilt of lying to her about this, the guilt of her thinking that she did it.

Yeah. This is really hard for you, buddy. So you're saying... Well, first of all, I just feel like everybody sort of skirted the question of why I asked who had Chlamydia. Of course. What an intimate, personal detail to offer up. But everyone that didn't have it is, of course, not going to clap, right?

Of course. And then everybody that didn't have it as well. That's just like a little bit of shame. Yeah. What I can do is sort of gauge the facial reactions in the room like a poker player. Who's not trying to make eye contact with me. Yeah. Who's tensing up.

This guy's trying to make eye contact with me too much. Too much. He has Chlamydia right now. He's drinking it. I can see... What? It's a drink name. Really?

Yeah. It's clam juice. So... Midol. Midol. Yeah. Midol. Chlamydia.

Midol. And of course... Chlamydia. Jagermeister. Oh. Chlamydia. Midol. And Jagermeister.

For cramps. Chlamydia. Don't look at that. Do not get that joke is what I meant. Or the drink. Don't laugh. You guys are doing great. So you're saying there's a way to fake take some of the blame.

Hey, maybe it could have been me. That way you're not lying because he doesn't know for sure. Who actually knows? Who actually knows? And I think that's more something that he could say rather than lie and say, it's definitely not from me. You gave me Chlamydia. What he should do is flip a coin and get fucking Livet if it lands on her.

Heads I gave it to you, tails you gave it to me. Flip. Either way one of us is... Tails. Yeah. It lands on heads, but he lets it slide off the back of his hand onto the floor. Then he puts his shoe for any piece so only he can see it. Yeah, and then it's heads.

And he's like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You slide. It's tails. Like you gave your tail up to that boy. Sorry, where did we land on it? Flip a coin and decide who gave him an STD. No, I think if he's uncertain in any level, in any regard, he's still even 80%.

He's not certain. Yeah, he's uncertain. That is uncertainty. That is with reasonable doubt. Let me mansplain that, ladies. He can say, listen, like you said, I don't know who gave who what. I'm not mad at you. You're not mad at me.

We are both p-ing lots of discharge. Yeah. You know, why are we going to be angry with each other? Our genitals are spewing, spum, and it doesn't look or feel good for anybody. I've never had chlamydia. Am I sort of nailing these symptoms on the head here? An itching burning sensation? Would you guys say that's correct?

That's about right. Yeah. You fucking did it class though! Fucking do it. There we go. This guy gave everyone here chlamydia. Of course it's an itching burning. What else could it be?

I feel like there's a discharge. You don't itch and you don't burn. So there's a discharge. There's a discharge. There's definitely a discharge. There's definitely a discharge. Is it a dishonorable discharge? It is an honorable discharge.

It comes out saluting. Little discharged. Have you ever had a discharge in any capacity? Well, isn't semen is sort of a discharge. Okay. Have you ever had a negative discharge in any capacity? I don't quite understand what you're asking. I had an ear infection.

What I did was have an ear infection once. And a liquid. That's the one disease you don't get sexually. You have an earache then you never are fucking anybody. And it's not a good feeling is what I would say. I don't even know how your body creates these liquids that shouldn't exist. Sorry, how old were you when you had your ear infection? Oh, I was way young, maybe 31, 32.

Of course. I was really, really, it was years ago. I was older than everybody in this room. I had like an ingrown hair on my leg once. Does that count? It does not actually. All right. Yeah, that's a completely different answer to a question I didn't ask.

All right. I also have genital herpes. So that's closer. That's closer to it. All right. So I think we agree on this. Let her know that there's a possibility it might have been you. That way you're not lying.

You're not taking full credit for the blame. That's literally the least you can do. What we should be saying is be a man and admit it. And we're too wieners to even say that as advice. Well, it's not necessarily him. Do you guys mind if I take off my shirt? I actually do mind it. I was hoping for the owl.

Oh. Oh. Open source. Oh, God. It's really hot on camera. So much discharge. So just in case I want to edit in some good advice that will make me seem very honorable and courageous.

Just tell her what you think. How about being honest for a while? Tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel. Let her know that you're for real. You guys can applaud. That's fine. You guys, no, they knew they could applaud.

I just didn't know if you felt like, yeah, we won't edit out the applause. We'll leave it in. So next time I sing a Billy Joel song, just feel free to really go it. Just like really, yeah, yeah. Turn it up. They know that they can go it. I just wanted to make sure that everybody. The reason they didn't is not because they didn't think the options.

Up Tim, girl. All right. That's actually a little too much. Yeah. It rings false. Split the difference. All right. We need another question.

Another lady's name. Pocahontas? Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas.

Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas.

Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas.

Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas.

Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. Pocahontas. You're sitting in the front row at a fucking dumbass comedy show, you know? Hey!

Poker Anus! He's a doctor, for Christ's sake. Alright. Poker Anus writes. My husband and I recently moved in with his parents a few months ago to save some cash. My husband's parents are so nice. They're the kindest people we could be roomies with. They are absolutely no issues so far.

Except for one. A couple years ago, my mother-in-law began this strange habit of kissing my husband on the mouth. Hand? Excuse me, it's a reflex. My husband said she never used to do it when he was growing up, but he has now noticed that she goes for the lips whenever she kisses him, hello or goodbye. Wow. Since we moved in, she gives us both a kiss every night before we go to bed.

She always kisses me on the cheeker forehead or pussy. I made that part up. She always kisses me on the cheeker forehead or pussy. Didn't make it up that time. She always kisses me on the cheeker pussy. Just kidding again. She always kisses me on the cheeker forehead or pussy one last time and that was done. She always kisses me on the cheeker forehead.

But when she goes to kiss my husband, well, she goes for his mouth. He finds it very weird and has made efforts to turn his face away so that she can't reach his mouth. But nevertheless, she preempts his movements and finds her way to his mouth, pursing her lips as she comes in for the kill. She has a very loving look in her eyes when she does it too. What do you guys think about this? I grew up thinking that kisses on the mouth were for sexual partners only. It's so creepy for me.

Her top lip is kind of hairy as well. I don't like the idea of kissing my husband knowing that his mother has recently been there. How do I get her to stop without making things awkward or hurting her feelings? My husband won't do a thing about it because he doesn't want to upset her and thinks he's upsetting her is worse than getting the kiss. He tells me he doesn't enjoy it, but now I'm starting to wonder. We still have to live with them for another 18 months. Any advice would help. Thank you so much. Love the show.

Cheers. Love poke her anus. Let's give it up for poke her anus. You can relate to this. You French your mother. You better backpedal that statement right now, motherfucker. I was just kidding. Yeah, yeah, you were just kidding? There's nothing funny about it. My mother is a queen. She is a DD. She's a God. Anybody laughing at the fact that I might kiss my mother can exit stage right, right now.

That's there. Yeah? Is that a way, motherfuckers? Kiss my mother. I should be so lucky. So you want to? I don't want to. But you should. There's some alternate universe where it'd be fine. And not that I'm interested in it happening. I'm just saying if...

I'm going to quit right there. Before I get into some strange Oedipus thing. Do you have a first-hand experience? Have you ever kissed your mommy and daddy? Like kissed my mother on the fucking lips with that mouth? Recently? I guess. Is that a thing that your family did? When I was growing up, my mom would kiss us on the forehead before bed and my dad would finger us on it. Wait, let him finish. We don't know where. It could be fine.

Yeah, in the ass. Okay, that's what we were all thinking, unfortunately. Butthole or cheek. I guess it doesn't matter. Either way, it's not okay. But we were hugging family. We would hug. Like anytime anybody left a room and our dad would stick a little finger on it. What about you, man? We didn't do the kiss, but I did see some daddies and daughters give the whole kissy- The little kissy-poo on the old liparoo.

How do you do? The little peck. The casual first date ending. It's casual. It's friendly. It's fun. I don't know if they're from Denmark or whatever. I don't want to place the blame on the Danes, but doesn't it feel like this is what you do in Denmark? I've never been to Denmark. I don't know anything about it, but doesn't it feel like if you saw it in Denmark, is it one of your Danish, same guy that had chlamydia? Yeah, I got it in Co-op in Hagen.

But I have seen that. That is a thing. People kissing. I often kiss my aunt Allison on the lips. How old is she? I don't know. That's awesome, dude. That's really cool, man. No, no, I do appreciate you telling us that.

Can I get that for that? What? Can I get that for that? Yeah, I said that's awesome. That's dabs. Cool, dude. Do you want to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that? Can we touch hands?

Touch hands? Yeah, I feel it validated if you slap my hand. Oh, like if I gave you a high-five? What was that? You're leaning in for it. Kiss on the lips or whatever. What? Either we kiss on the lips or you slap my hand. Let's do that.

It's been too long since we kissed each other on the lips. I'll give you the slap, man. I don't want it anymore. That offer is gone, baby gone. And if you don't accept the kiss in the next three seconds, it's escalated. Either we French or you blow me. I want to do none of the above.

All right. You've seen it. You've experienced this in the past. Well, actually, recently... Do you guys mind if we tell you guys a personal anecdote? Our parents met for the first time recently. My beautiful mother and my troll father came to Los Angeles. I honestly thought for the first appetizers and main course that your dad was the candle on the table.

I really thought he was the candle. Yeah, your mom almost ate him thinking he was a sweet potato. I really thought he was a... Jake's dad does, honestly, look like a yam on a plate. He's a yam. He looks like a yam on a plate. He's a yam of a man. He really is.

No, my father is a little Hebrew Jew coward. A small, small, minuscule man that you look through a microscope and you say, is that a fucking guy or what? What a bad scientist. Learn the words. I gave you a microscope. You have the equipment. Just figure out what the things are called.

Totally, totally shit. Are you really a scientist? This is your first day here. And you are wearing a Starbucks apron. You're sure you're a scientist? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the guy that you want to grande, unsweetened... Nice coffee, yeah.

Anyway, we met up with Amir's two parents. How would you describe your parents? My dad is a Jovial Israeli doctor. My mom is a very stylish guy. My mother is a classic Jewish mom, very caring, overbearing, big personality, contagious. Contagious? Yeah.

She always has a chest cold. Yeah. And then, yeah, when our parents said goodbye... Everyone's hugging. I hugged Amir's mother. I hugged Amir's father. I hugged my own father. My mother kissed Amir's father on the lips.

Not her. That's my fucking mother. It was an interesting moment indeed, because I think your mom thought my dad had foreign customs, because he has an accent. And your dad thought my mom was a whore. Is that what you're trying to say? But it happened.

We both stared at each other. Like, holy shit. Are we brothers now for that? Did it happen? It really did. But this was like, I don't know, okay. Yeah, they didn't know. They were trying to like, deke each other out.

It's like, I ever tried to walk by someone and they start going, well, you go the other and then you French on the sidewalk. Yeah. The crazy thing is that both of our other parents missed it. Yeah. Only we saw it. It was like an eclipse.

Yeah. I was wearing sunglasses so that the vision didn't burn my retina. It was a total eclipse. Anyway, sorry, we got off track a little bit. What's happening? This guy's mom is kissing him before bed. Yeah, on the lips.

I think I would be like this guy and be like, I don't want to upset my mother. Yeah. The kiss is bad, but it's not as bad as sitting my mommy down and doing her not to kiss me. And also let's look at the converse right there because they are living in the mom's house. So like the mom's doing you a real solid.

The rent you pay is that she's going to sort of like face kiss your husband. Yeah. Every rent the tax is Frenching your fucking husband in front of you. And she probably does it as a power play being like, you can't afford a rent. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you like that? You like that like a roof over your head? Is what I would do. Yeah. No, I think that we answered that. But what would you advise this lady? She can't say anything. She can't say anything.

I think they sort of sort of have to like one up each other, right? So like the mom kisses the husband and then she's like, oh yeah, good night. And then she kisses the husband really, really deep. Oh, shit. And the mom is like, oh yeah, I hope you guys sleep really well. And then she's sort of like grinds on him a little bit.

And she's like, oh, we will. And then she just like licks the tip of his dick. And then what? And then the mom is all like, oh yeah, you guys don't let the bedbugs bite. And then she gets on it. She just starts riding him. Riding him.

Oh man, this is so fucking dope. What the hell are you guys watching right now? Yeah, this is your fault. You started this. It's easy to place the incestuous blame on other people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, where were you? I was going to have a three way with the fucking mom.

I'm sorry. Oh yeah. I apologize. Don't mention anything. Yeah. Because otherwise you might accidentally have a threesome with your mother-in-law. That's possible.

That is possible. 80%, what did you say? Yeah. All right, let's answer another Q. How about we get the name of a lady? Lady. Sandwich. Sandwich.

Sandwich. Sandwich? Sandwich. Sandwich. Sandwich. Sandwich. Just to be sure you yelled sandwich as a name for a person. All right.

Sand- Surge? Surge, man. They got a fucking Kinect 4 here, dude. I want to play with you, man. Good to have you in, dude. Dude, let's do a fucking Ouija board, man. No, are you moving the fucking board, Surge, man?

Is it like a fucking ghoul, dude? I didn't want to connect with my pass away father, man. Sandwich writes, how's it going, dudes? You're the best. But you already know that. I've written to you guys before, but this time I really need your help. My BF and I have been together for about two years and it's pretty great. He is my best friend and we have a fantastic sex life.

Does somebody want to say hand? Hand. Appreciate that. We both realized recently, however, that we both sort of missed the way it was in the beginning of the relationship when things were new and exciting. I have an idea. Sorry, I had an idea that he and I could role play together, spice things up, you know? So my idea was that I could play a different girl and he would play himself.

We could meet at a bar or a restaurant and act like it was the first date. The catch is that it would be clear that he would be fake cheating on me and that he would play it out like a scandalous affair. Hot, right? Somebody's coming already. I got a wig and a brand new pair of stilettos. Yeah, dude. Is this hot?

I made a fake Insta account, added him and started flirting to set the mood. Yeah, but she's sex in a month and a half. We're trying to get more followers, babe. The problem, however, is that although he knows what's going on, I cannot get this dude to play along. I'm doing everything I can to turn him on and although it's working out for my benefit in real life, he's not taking the bait. I really want to do this and it is honestly something I've wanted for a while, but I feel like breaking character would ruin it and I don't know how else to get him in the mood.

The most frustrating part about it all is that I know he tried to actually cheat on me early on in our relationship. I'm keeping things fresh and exciting. A little reciprocation would be nice, huh? Any advice? Love sandwich. Let's go to her sandwich. Sorry, I feel like I'm ignoring you guys. You good? Sorry, I feel like I'm ignoring you guys.

Role-playing. Thoughts. I think there's nothing less attractive than role-playing. It's sort of like admitting defeat, isn't it? It's like we're not sexy anymore. Let me pretend to be somebody else, but it's so like transparent. The thing is, I think you're a comedian, so you see through the bullshit. You're like, I'm an actor.

I don't even like to do dirty talking. Yeah, that's sort of the one percent of the way role-playing is dirty talk. Because you're like, oh, I'm pretending I'm sort of like a sexy dirty talker. Yeah, that's my character. How would you dirty talk to a... A honey? I wouldn't have necessarily said honey, but sure. I'd be like, yeah, dude or lady.

I would say dude or lady and then she'd be like, whoa, is this guy bi? That's pretty hot. So I'd be like, yeah, dude or lady. I'm not bi because that clarifies, that eliminates that miscommunication. This is, I'm still speaking to her. So yeah, dude, lady, sorry, I'm not bi. That would clarify the miscommunication. Are you touching her at this point or are you like standing in the corner of a room?

This is my icebreaker line. This is you going up to somebody at a bar. So you'll say yeah, dude or lady. I'm not bi. Sorry about the miscommunication. If she hasn't maced me yet. Yes. Which has yet to happen.

So sorry, just quick clarification. You dirty talk as a pickup line. And vice versa. So in bed, I'll pretend like I'm breaking the ice. Oh, yes. Like, oh, do you come here often? Yeah, point it to my mouth. Oh, yeah.

Who was the scattered applause? That's correct. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, she was clapping with her anus. Make it clap. Dirty talk, role-playing. Oh, so if this girl can't get her boyfriend to play along. She's going too far.

Why did she set up an Instagram? She's like, she got it verified. Isn't that insane? She's like, oh, and I also went to Bank of America. I set up a new bank account. I took out a credit card at American Express. Just the green one, you know. Whatever.

I'm just trying to be like this different person. I found the name of someone who died at September 11th. And I sort of assumed their identity. Jesus. That's so hot. That's hot. Like, she does, like, why does it have to leave the bedroom? Isn't it just in the moment?

Isn't that supposed to be when the role-play is? I think there's role-playing in the moment, which is like, oh, I'm leaving my shoes on. And then there's fucking... What's hotter than that? It's like the opposite. Brand new pair of stilettos. That's right.

I guess he never got the memo. Yeah. The opposite of taking your shoes off when you enter a house. So you get your shoes really muddy, and then you're still in bed with them. How forbidden is that fruit? This is, I'm still talking to the girl. So how forbidden is that?

Having sex with somebody with their shoes on would be so stressful. Really? For who? I have a white duvet. Ha ha ha ha! Loser! Get a grey duvet. White show stains, idiot!

It's a good pickup line, actually. Hi, I have a grey duvet. You can close on. Why? Huh? I can't hear you. Do you like this new Kanye? What? I'm gonna go throw up.

We were just in New Orleans, and remember the pickup line that I thought of? I have a hard time approaching ladies. I don't know what to say originally, going from zero to conversation. I'm pretty good while talking to them. I just need the initial thrust. So in my drunken state, I thought of a good one.

And that was... I'll be the girl. Okay. Loud bar, me. You don't know who I am, so it's like, why is this shiny squirrel approaching me at a bar? We're in New Orleans, by the way. Just setting the seat beats.

Hey, do you know what city this is? Hey, you fucking kike boy. Do you know what city we're in? You little fucking... An hour talking. We just need the original question. What city is this? That's interesting.

Why is he asking me this? So I tried it, and the ladies were like, New Orleans, and I'm like, New Orleans, New Orleans, two words. Like I was a caveman, unfrozen for the first time ever. Yeah, New Orleans, do you not know where you're from? No, I know where I'm from, I'm from California. Where are you from? I'm from California,

and suddenly we're off to the races. It's just about the original question. Amir was placed under arrest later that night for charges completely unrelated. Unrelated. Unrelated. Yeah, unrelated. Unrelated.

That's the name of our new podcast. It's called Unrelated. It's boring. Oh, yeah, now we're settled in. What did she ask? Oh, can you get somebody to role play? There's nothing sadder than an unrequited role play. Yeah, when the fire, the romance is completely out and you're sort of like poking around at the embers in a wig.

Yeah, just when the efforts don't match, that's not an okay place to be. Like, I'm giving so much, you're not even giving minimal, and then I feel bad. And like, can you imagine her breaking character like in a wig taking it off like, play along, fuck her? Anyway, my name is Regina. Oh, God.

Can I have the risotto with mushrooms? You don't like mushrooms. No, Regina does. But you're allergic, but I'm role playing. Fucking hives breaking out of her face. Regina loves mushrooms. Yeah, I can see you. We have to go to the ER, baby.

Regina has an EpiPen. I'm afraid you can't force somebody to care. You can ask, you can request, you can try, but you can't force effort. Effort has to be intrinsic from the inside out. He has to see you trying and say, okay, I want to try too. I don't want to leave her,

my girlfriend in a fucking wig and stilettos, naked in between at an Olive Garden, because that's where the date is. Really hot, by the way. If he doesn't do that much, I don't know, it might be game over. Yeah. Which is kind of a sad realization.

But also kind of nice, because whoever you fuck next is just going to be into your regular hair and your regular shoes. So that could role-playing so deep that you actually break up with your boyfriend and character. If you pretend to be somebody with confidence and self-worth, you'll actually break up with your boyfriend. That's your character.

You'll fuck someone and be happy, and then he'll fuck someone new, and that actually turns him on. So really, this is the circle of life. You guys should break up. And fuck different people. Did we just break... Yeah, yeah, that's correct.

That's the ultimate role-play. That's correct. And that's the role-play they should be doing. Let's give it up for the question to ask here. Same with you. We should take a break. If you're listening at home, we're going to stop for a few seconds

to thank some sponsors, maybe Nature Box, maybe Squarespace. Who knows, it's all fair game in the world of magic podcast advertising. But as for you guys, we'll stick around. Let's get a round of applause as we go to commercial break. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. You can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up,

but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good.

Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. I know it's a work night, but who has time for one more question and answer? Yeah, shit. Thanks for coming out on a Monday, everybody.

Yeah, thank you so much. What a unique night for a comedy show. A Monday night. But why the hell not? Let's get one last male cue. Oh, no, it's a female name. We should do Crandis. We got to keep the Crandis strictly.

Did someone say Crandis? Fendle? Are you the same guy that said sandwich? You're just not just hungry. Aole. Are you guys saying Aole or do you say Fendle? No, this guy's ordering food really loudly. Sandwich with fendle.

What a bad sandwich. Yeah, just a fendle sandwich. Some star anise. Panini press it, though. Who's writing this? Fuck. Fendle. Fendle?

Fendle? Anything I said would have been fine. You should have just said yes to fendle. We got to fendle? Fendle is correct? I like fendle. Fendle is about vinyl. Who writes?

I respect you so much for fucking committing to fendle. I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. Nice. Wansworld. Yale educated. You didn't actually go study at Yale. I did study at Yale.

Are you lying to me or are you lying to yourself? What are you talking about? I studied at Yale. I brought a fucking book to Yale and I read it there. Yeah, I did. Did you apply to Yale University? Did I go there? Yes, I did.

I represent the implication. I went to Yale, I studied at Yale. I'm a Yale kid. Why else would I graduate from Yale? I'm Ivy League material here. Material or educated? Educated. You're finding a loophole and I can't quite notice it yet.

But I don't want to waste more time trying to figure out what it is. You read a book at Yale campus? I read a separate piece at Yale University at a Starbucks on Chapel. Yeah, I did. Phineas got fucked over. Fendle, right. Chew-woo to Phineas?

The other night my boyfriend who was visiting for the weekend was laying on the couch and his shirt was above his belly button exposing something that looked like a bluish-green inside of it. It caught my eye and when I reached for said belly button he flicked my hand away quickly and pulled his shirt back down. I asked him what the fuck that was and he gave me an intense eye that said I will tell you later when we're alone.

My sister was in the room with us watching TV. I couldn't wait. I had to know immediately. So I texted him. I said seriously, what the fuck is that? He responded by saying, please don't embarrass me, it's lint. We can talk about it when your sister leaves. He left that as a voice memo. He didn't really.

So finally my sister leaves and I lift up his shirt to see what I saw and it was excuse me as I'm dry heaving while I type this just a huge fucking blue clump of God knows what was chilling out in there. I told him that he would not be sleeping in my bed or anywhere remotely near me if he didn't let me clean it out. So like a good girlfriend I forced him to lay down and I went in with some Q-tips. That piece of belly button lint was attached

and I started crying from disgust and adrenaline. I finally got it out with a Q-tip chopstick style. Finally got it out with a Q-tips chopstick style and after a few forceful tugs and as I was crying he was laughing hysterically. Afterwards we both calmed down. He told me that he was disappointed in me. Yeah, I'm not sad or upset. Yeah, frankly.

I mean what the fuck? There's still like 30% of the shit in there literally fused to his skin and I can't look at him the same way knowing that there's this disgusting belly button lint lodged inside him. I have a right to be absolutely disgusted, right? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Love, vinyl. Let's go to the vinyl.

Where do you land on the belly button lint V-naught debate? Do you have lint? I don't never have lint. I don't know why. I don't have lint that needs to be extracted to, like, with surgery. I don't understand what it is. It's like... It's like... Is it clothing? Cotton? Is it clothing, Cotton Master?

What ale is your button on the belly, sir? Can I extract it? Get away from me, man. Get away from here. I don't know you! Gaelian man. Well, I mean, who has a problem with their belly button to this extent? Anybody? Is it a bigger person problem where there's a deeper cavity

and then things get lost deep within and then you don't see it until it's filled up all the way to the surface and then by the time you see that, you're clumping it. You're clumping out. Is it, like, tearing open a fucking teddy bear? Like, how much are you talking? Like, presents on Christmas morning, I imagine. It's weird that he says, I'm disappointed in you.

Yeah, laughing hysterically. She's grossed out. I'm disappointed in you. I know we had a fucking... We had a pretty fucking cute Annie Hall moment, but now that that's over, I think I'm disappointed in you. Everybody has their things that they're grossed out of that goes beyond the scope of normal. I have that kind of thing, not with belly button.

What do you gross that by? Septum rings. I think they're kind of awful. I think I wouldn't want to touch one that would gross me out. Oh, that's a fun idea. Does anybody here have a... Does anyone here have a septum ring? Great. Wait a second. Nobody?

I mean, nobody wants to say so now. Well, you don't get to come on stage and the mirror gets to touch it. I'm in the minority, I feel like, but everyone has their thing where... Can someone go out and get their septum pierced really quick? Do you have a thing that grosses you out that's sort of out of the ordinary? Popping zits on backs, I don't know. No, but having somebody open up to me about something that they're... Oh, you mean like an honest discourse.

Yeah, yeah, that's a conversation. If somebody was like, oh, I always wanted to be a singer, can I show you my voice? I would be like, that would be like, oh, that's so fucking... Yeah, you start dry-havening. You said you would never eat in front of a lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an example of something that I think is,

puts you in the minority of what grosses you out. Sure, yeah. I'm imagining a girl eating or shitting. Oh, yeah, that is... It's not shitting, yeah, no, it's it is shitting. I don't like to think of people as human. Oh, does that make me a bad guy? Sure, yeah, it does.

But am I an unforgivable asshole? Yeah. Maybe I am. Do I still deserve... Do I deserve love? Maybe not. Oh, okay, no, I don't. But am I gonna die...

Am I gonna die alone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But does that break my heart? And do I live my life pathetic and scared? I do, yeah. Of course I do, yeah. So this girl's version of that is belly button lit. Some people don't want to see it,

some people don't want to touch it, some people have fun. I know girls that'll pop a zit on a boyfriend's back. No big deal with their teeth, it's fun and games. Oh, yeah. Pop a zit straight up into it, like, pop by with the spinach. Yeah, like a fucking...

He punches blutus. It's all fun and games. But then there are some people who've considered her lint to be disgusting. Nobody's right or wrong, I don't know what causes one person to have that phobia versus another. I think they're both not incorrect. She's not incorrect to be disgusted.

Sorry, I'd like to change what I said. He isn't correct for being disappointed in her for having that disgust. Yes. So everybody's able, capable, allowed, I would say to have won. Let's give everyone one... Let's also say that he has belly button lint

to the extent that it's actually a part of his body. And that's a little bit of a problem. Yeah, for sure. Can we say that? You know, I had lint in my... Do you guys ever charge your iPhone and it doesn't work? And it's because there's clumps of lint in there?

So there's no... Who said, oh, yeah? You're so funny. You're jazzed up on it. Well... How much lint do you... You don't even have an iPhone. You have a ball of lint.

He's a cat. That's a cat man. Not unlike Batman. But getting the lint out of the jack is one of the greatest feelings ever. Just fucking digging it out. It's better than coming. Because it's...

Yeah, because you can do it in public. Sorry, just to be clear, you're one problem with coming is that you can't do it in public? Often, yeah. Oftentimes, it's frowned upon, I should say. Well, not often, always. I'm just saying...

When is it good to come in public? If I add, like... When is it encouraged? You know my idea for business arms, right? No. I never told you my idea. Pray tell. Pray tell.

It's arms that sort of look like this. Like arms? Yeah, made out of wood that you can plop on a table during a business meeting. And then, that's right. You slide your real arm down. And you just...

So you have two little synthetic arms. And what looks like a fucking gerbil try to get out of your urethra. And that's hopefully unnoticed. Okay, it's pounding out of your chest now. And then you can just crank it in public. It's also... If you're gonna steal the idea for business arms,

don't worry about it because I've also trademarked subway arms, Uber arms, funeral arms. It's all... It's all fair. Yeah, just so you know, Uber arms are when you jerk off your Uber driver. Yeah, it's not what it sounds like.

So would you say, what should this lady do? What's your advice for this lady? To be perfectly honest, I forget the question. Oh, that's awesome. But I just want to say... Sorry.

Sorry, go ahead. Let me just... Yeah, no, do your thing. She has... Sorry, my opinion doesn't matter, right? Do you want to talk over me? That's fine. Is it right to be honest?

My opinion doesn't matter, really? Just go on record and say that? I thought you were gonna... Nobody fucking cares about what I'm saying. Is your neck broken or something? I don't look at you, man. I have a right to be absolutely disgusted is her question. Even if it's wrong,

does she have the right to be disgusted? Don't you have the right to be anything? That's beautiful, dude. Because if we leave you with one closing thought, you have the right to be anything. And you guys all have the right to remain silent, because you're all under arrest. Lock the door again.

No, just kidding. But thank you guys so much for coming out on a Monday night. We really appreciate it. What up, resident? Thank you. If you have your own questions, your own anything, send it all to

IfIReviewShow at gmail.com. We're traveling all over the place with the show. You can find out all the information at IfIReviewShow.com. Thanks again for coming, and we'll be back next week at night. Thanks.

Too hot. Hey, it's us again. Quick reminder, if you like the live episodes, be a part of the live episodes. We are recording two live shows in Dublin, one in London, and then another one in Toronto.

Yeah. Tickets for all those shows available at IfIReviewShow.com or jaconamere.com. It's going to be a fucking party, y'all. We do like the party. We do like to meet the fans. We like to drink with the fans.

Those are going to be big shows. Toronto and London might be our biggest shows ever. It would be great, great, great if you can make it out. We'll hang out after the show. Why not? We're only in London and Toronto

for so often. All right, cool. See you later. Peace.