If I Were You - 225: Good Guy

Episode Date: July 18, 2016

In this episode we discuss being serious, being drunk, and being a supportive podcast listener.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Dear Jake and Amir, what to say to you, I need advice, you have to up my game, my barista's pretty cute, I died on the Starbucks floor You dedicated one hour a week to help us out, just you two crazy Jews when you hear You knocked me out, I fall apart, I thought I was the master You make up names for all the questions, you'll goof and gap at eyes, you'll even laugh at eyes Even though most of it is just digression, we listen just for you We go down low for you and you give us bad advice, if I were you Christ, that was incredible That was really good, that was Giordi, G-E-O-R-D-I-E

Giordi, with a dear Theodosia from Hamilton parody I feel like we can't do a show now Oh because it's too sweet We can't top what the theme song was Yeah, when you get someone with a good voice to do a parody of a really sweet, great song, it's just as powerful as the song itself Yeah, good lord, we didn't deserve that Giordi for listening Can you do another Hamilton one next? What are we thinking?

Wait for it? Oh, what's the one with... I want to do the... Shit, it's the one that the women sing Oh yeah, not never be satisfied No, not that one, but that one's also dope Actually, if you could just do an entire hip hopper parody, what would you rather have? A voice as good as the guy that was singing, or to be able to dunk a basketball Voice, 100% voice

Really? Yeah, because I can already dunk No, voice, that's like... You'd rather have a great voice than like a 42 inch vertical Yeah, because the 42 inch vertical impresses you Yeah And like a bunch of guys that we hang out with The voice is sort of like universally

Yeah, I would definitely rather dunk What a great feeling that would be to throw down a two hand jam I guess I... yeah You never see bad basketball players dunk Like someone that doesn't know how to play basketball, but is six feet tall and just happens to have a 45 inch vertical So like, I can't dribble, I can't shoot, but if I like have a running start, I can dunk a ball Oh, that's... I guess that's true Like a gymnast or somebody else that like needs to jump really high

Or a high jumper Right Yeah, if we can find like a Cuban high jumper that can jump really high, dunk the ball, but can't play basketball We're getting so far off message right now Sorry Where did this come from? Theodosian This is your other podcast that you want to host

Find a dunker Would you rather this or dunk? Oh yeah, Jordy already said his name So, what is this? This is an advice podcast It's called If I Were You This is the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Josh

We've had a lot of episodes, not a lot, but we had a few episodes in a row Guests, a live show, but this is the first one in a bit that's just straight up You and I Back to basics You and I in a little toy shop with a bag of balloons with the money we bought Yeah, I'd rather dunk than do that For sure 99 red balloons

So, what happens on the show? People will email us They're in need of our advice We do our best to dispense our wisdom It goes over really well for all parties involved Oh, you know we should mention Yeah That is our subscription thing That's true

So, we found out recently We sort of knew it, but we didn't know it was this specific That if you get, let's say 5,000 5,000 people Let's say that because we think that's actually the number Okay, if you get 5,000 people to subscribe to your podcast in a day You'll have the number one podcast on iTunes Which is above Radio Lab, Joe Rogan, This American Life, Invisibilia

Really important, big, cool, great shows Anybody opening their podcast app for the first time that day will Basically automatically subscribe to our podcast Borderline accidentally And I want to say it's like we're taking advantage of the system But it's not like we're making bots that subscribe We're actually asking our fans who do listen to the show But might not necessarily subscribe on iTunes

So let's say we get in this first day 35,000 people will listen to the show Great number If we get one in every seven of them, you listening To subscribe on iTunes If you're listening to the show on SoundCloud Or if you listen to it on Spreaker Or I don't know how people fucking do this

Another app, whatever However you're listening to it If you go to iTunes.com on your browser If you go to iTunes.com slash head gum Or go to the Used iTunes podcast That's the native app on most of your phones Yeah, you can find a link to our show And then you hit the subscribe button

And then when you subscribe, it'll let iTunes know Oh, somebody new is subscribing We'll give them a little micro rank And if 5,000 people do that We'll have the number one podcast on iTunes We'll get up to the top We'll have a fast pass We're asking you guys to help us cut

But I think that as our loyal, loving fans Who we adore and cherish This is a huge boon to us True It's like we're asking for money But not money, but a little bit of your time We're asking for growth Legitimately, this is a way

That you can help us out and help us show out It's a vote of gratitude It's a vote of confidence That'll give us more exposure So people will be able to find the show I like the idea of everybody listening to our show For the first time doing this Exactly how we gave the system of iTunes

So I'm going to delete this actually Cut this part out because it doesn't Be who of us to have it Should we call this a moral gray area Or do you think it's fine completely? I think it's completely fine I challenge anybody to think that it's not Yeah, we're asking already our fans

People are listening to the show Yeah, we're just saying if you like the show Let other people know about it Which is what people do passively You'll hear at the end of the show Oh yes, rate and subscribe But those two words just gloss over people So we're like stop right there

We know you didn't hear that Actually subscribe For right now it doesn't even matter if you rate Just subscribe, it's fine We'll talk about rating another time guys Which isn't to say ratings aren't good Let's start the show So these are real emails from real people

We're going to keep them anonymous Give them fake names to preserve their anonymity I wanted to game boy it up this episode Oh the game boy You wanted the game I wanted the game But I had one question that I think we should answer Without the game boy

Back I go Back into my little cave Back from whence I came Why do you say my name? Why even summon me This was a waste of my time and yours The game boy charges $450 an hour The game boy is actually a very high priced attorney

I bid you adieu Gunshot to the head It doesn't do anything because he's a robot So I found a good question That I think we should answer Before we even get to the game boy Which is Let's call this guy

Andy Murray Andy Murray writes Long time fan first time writing in And I got a pretty simple but surprisingly tricky question For you My question is this How do I get girls to like me If I'm simply not funny

I'm a social guy and I have plenty of friends But truth be told I've never been a funny person And I find this has become quite a problem When trying to get the ladies to like me Especially on Tinder I'm not sure if y'all will be able to answer Since it's literally your job to be funny So it might be hard to put yourself in my shoes

But I'd love to hear your collective thoughts on my predicament P.S. I moved to New Haven for the summer What up And if Jakey has any suggestions of places I should check out I'd love to hear that too So New Haven What's the closest you've gotten to being not funny

Um I guess there have been a couple of times where I went out On dates where People just like weren't amused by my sense of humor Yeah But that didn't make me feel bad It made me feel like well fuck This person

Yeah they're wrong I'm right My jokes rule your jokes drool Um I sort of had this experience Watching Batman vs Superman A few weeks ago I was like watching Lois Lane She's in a relationship with Clark Kent

I was like does he ever make her laugh Or do I deserve her He is Superman But it doesn't seem like He has very much fun He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders He can save the day but when they're eating dinner Is Lois cracking up

Or smiling at her They're very very quiet What a dramatic relationship they have I do But I mean there are people like that who are just like I'm a pretty serious guy Or a pretty serious girl I don't like to laugh

That's interesting right Imagine a serious girl Marrying a serious guy What's happened a lot Are most people do you think funny or serious I think most people Shit it's probably pretty even Most people like us we crack jokes

Make bits too much And then there's friends of ours that aren't comedians But they're funny they can hang I think it's like Even people who aren't funny Sometimes have a good sense of humor They know what they like I think about friends of mine who aren't

Comedians or don't even crack Really great jokes but they have High comedic taste Because they think I'm funny Ben Schwartz is one of them Like he's kind of funny but like Right but he's not a writer Actor type

Yeah he's nebish and quiet Takes himself very seriously He's a poet People don't know but Ben only wears black turtle necks When he's out and about in Los Angeles You'll make a joke and Ben will nod That's funny I get Like he has a good sense of humor

But yeah it's weird to think about Yeah some people legit They must go through days without joking Or laughing What is that? I haven't smiled yet today Which is fine For them they look at me and they're like

You haven't cried today People don't cry every day right? I don't know But I've cracked jokes to a bank teller Before and they laugh and they're like Thanks I needed that Like oh god you did Like I really needed that

I needed that like well good Almost too much Can you keep up? Go away sir I can do the honey duddy Your card was declined actually Oh right You've overdrawn No I can't turn it off

Even if it's just me Did you get your yuck yuck today? I hate myself So this guy Can't make anybody laugh It makes approaching people hard I hope he's handsome I hope he's like a hot nice guy

Because I know some hot nice guys That aren't funny He must be because like don't you develop humor As like a Only ugly people can be funny It's some kind of like evolutionary Thing for like ugly people To make sure they can procreate

Otherwise ugly people wouldn't Be around today The ugly, unfunny people Died out in the middle ages Yeah because they couldn't find anybody With Napoleon Yeah but then there's some magic people that are like Oh I'm a handsome talented actor

Athlete but I'm also really funny Right that's like the Rick Fox Yeah and you're like wait why do you You can't be funnier than me And then also be a good everything else He can sing too He's also been on so you think he can dance Or dance with a star

He's a good dancer too He can move, he can sing, he can be funny And he can fuck He can dunk and funk Yeah Did we answer your question Rick Fox is better than all of us So what can you do

What do girls, or I should say what do people like If not a sense of humor It is actually hard for me to relate because that's When I had nothing I still had that Like when I was a greasy ugly Tween with braces I still had jokes I think you just have to think about What you are passionate about and what you do like

Yeah people like sincerity And genuineness Everybody has triggers that make them Animated and earnest And so maybe it's not like you Cracking jokes at anything but maybe you just want to talk To somebody about what are your triggers And you find out what their triggers are

Talk to somebody about politics or movies Or music You know it's good as to be a good guy Like you know how there's some people that you're like That's a good guy, he's just a good guy I know a lot of good guys You know a good way to be a good guy Is just work on a good laugh

Oh people like a good laugh You can't fake being funny But you can definitely fake laugh At other people's jokes And if you are a good lapper And if you've got like a big old smile And you encourage people who are funny And you encourage people having fun around you

Then you're a good guy Yeah it's like you're a good team player You don't necessarily shoot but you can dish it out If you don't have a good laugh I think Since we make jokes we can at least give suggestions About what a good laugh would be Like

If you laugh like a little Pillsbury doboy Yeah I like to laugh Sort of like a Japanese style porn Like when Oh Like you're a little ashamed to laugh Oh very coquettish Yeah a little cute

Like the laugh right before wipe out Like a Wipe out Right then people can say wipe out That'll be your natural laugh That's also kind of like Mario I also like Like a Paul Bunyan

Oh no Tim the Toolman Taylor that's better Oh like what Oh that's good That's a good like gruffy laugh Santa Oh Is ho ho ho Santa laughing Or is that him saying hello

I don't know Santa's a good example of a good guy Like you never see Santa make a joke Right but he's just like a good guy And when he does they're very off color They're pretty Racially not like racist but racially insensitive Charged

Ho ho ho that's really funny Thanks Santa So be a good guy Be genuine Basically all the things an asshole isn't Yeah Like not mean That's fair

Billy Billy is also funny I had a friend in high school named Simon He wasn't necessarily funny But everyone loved him because he was a good guy He's dead now He is dead yeah No he's still alive

Yeah Now that we're done with this question Uh Let's bring out the Game Boy again Oh Me I was just settling in for my long winter nap You don't have to be offended

We accidentally brought you out Now you want me Yeah I think it's fine We still want you around Game Boy Because you didn't before We did You summoned me and then you exiled me I didn't exile you

I was lonely I was cold and I was scared For you to take a couple minutes off while we Addressed it I thought the question was pretty Yeah you thought it was pretty I thought it was interesting how you summoned me And then told me to fuck off You're not talking like yourself anymore Oh me the Game Boy

So the Game Boy is a game that we created A character really that guesses We have a gmail If I were to show a gmail.com account I can search the gmail For a word And the game is let's try to find a word that's only been Used in one question

I really want to use two words I know it breaks the rules I can do a quote search Open quote I'm trying to decide If I want to do run train or ran train Mmm Mmm

Let's do ran train And then see if it doesn't come up Damn it run train Okay Really? Jesus Christ Everybody out there is a fucking hurt Because they didn't They didn't ever

Group fuck someone Yeah Because y'all couldn't run train I guess if you're doing it Then there ain't no problems to be had About it Uh Yes

Fine My new word is charcuterie Charcuterie It's a cheese and meat plate Yeah with some fruit and some crackers I don't even know how to spell that How do you spell it C-H-A-R-C-U-T-E-R-I-E

Charcuterie Uh Dab Nothing I didn't even look I did a Google did you mean search What do you mean? It auto filled the correct spelling

How did I spell it wrong? I don't know I didn't know While you were talking I did that Alright This is a real poor showing of the game boy Okay I'll think of another one Kleenex That's not a word

But I'll search it One spam And one question I am the game boy I have won the game Yes dude I'm 17 and I master Kleenex writes

I'm 17 and I masturbate a lot Just like you would expect But what is unexpected about my stroke Is that sometimes I get red pimple like sores Upon the areas of my teenage trunk These sores or whatever Are sensitive to the touch And make it difficult to masturbate when they appear on my penis

Not impossible though I showed them to my doctor I showed them to my doctor And he said that since I haven't had sex yet It isn't possible for me to have any STDs or anything But this still continues to be an issue for me Insert whatever name Uh you two give me

Junior Oh I see it's an issue for me and Kleenex Junior That's the name it was Dick This is like a mad lib of sorts Uh I don't know if I somehow have Herpes or something in a miraculous medical feet Or if this is a product Of doing it dry

I use a lot of tissues when I perform for myself To the point of creating a makeshift Kleenex condom Or possibly This is a product of me being too rough and rowdy With my root omega Should I stop stirring my shake for a while Start using lotion or something Or get myself checked out or what

What would you guys do if you were me I grew up watching you guys And all the other college humor And still go back to the old Jane episodes And uh highly frequently You guys are great and inspired me to be more creative You really didn't need to share that PS with everybody

This is the first time reading the The question I didn't know that it would get So complimentary But thanks for writing in Kleenex We appreciate it Um Subscribe to the show He's not subscribed

This guy He makes a little parachute of Kleenex Around his dick It sounds Frankly it sounds like you're masturbating Incorrectly He's making a makeshift fleshlight it seems like Yeah with dry fucking tissue

But Kleenex can be Soft at the very least it's not like The lotion fused tissues I bet he's not like that That could be really soft actually I mean nobody teaches you Tissue paper rubbing against your dick Right but nobody teaches you how to masturbate

So it's tough to say what's right and what's wrong I was taught how to masturbate By whom? Third grade teacher Keep talking I'm gonna call the fucking police What did he say to you? Oh yeah he stayed after school one day Okay Jake just keep talking please

We're rolling on this I'm getting his number Oh yeah I'd love to talk to him Mr. Melanie taught all the boys How to jerk it He would sit Indian style while we watched Oh it was the best Regalus with some tails Mr. Melanie

Oh my doing it wrong Show me the right way Mr. Melanie Will we practice on him Oh my Christ that's hot Yes dude All the new subscribers we got Instantly unsubscribing Yeah we're out of the top 200

How do you like that Your podcast is deleted What's beyond explicit Uh Yeah I mean you're masturbating Badly So what would you do Would you say give it a few weeks off

To like recharge, regenerate Yeah and at first it sounded like he had Some kind of ingrown hair or something And you know I've gotten I've heard of chafing Yeah when I was younger I would chave Yeah and it would just burn Yeah I mean there was

Sensitive to the touch Of course You want to let the injury fully heal Whether it's chafing on your dick or like I don't know a sprained wrist The worst thing you could do is rush back from Injury You're compensating maybe

You're only going to exacerbate if you masturbate Yeah exacerbate the masturbate Or you start overcompensating And then you'll injure your balls Cause you're just squeezing the wrong part Yeah the bottom of your chaff Get the nail on the head I think you gotta go lotion

You gotta go Vaseline or baby oil Something real nice I like to do a little Vaseline Cause that basically heals any Let me put some Vaseline on Oh dear Oh the Game Boy is being born Oh I'm coming

What? I did ejaculate And I feel like Yeah I see that It'd be so cool if you'd just ejaculate with one Pump like that What's that? A single pump chump

But like masturbating So one thrust You get so hard So ready that you just go Top of the dick Oh not even a back pump Just a down pump Like

And then you get like so tighter on top Like you're going to slide down like Like a real greasy fire And then just Boom Yeah dude It's like imagine a full ketchup bottle This 17 year old is already masturbating

Cause we started thinking about it Yeah it's hard to not masturbate When you're a teenager Try to take a couple weeks off See what happens Your skin heals very quickly down there You need like two days off tops And then just maybe four days

And then you know Don't coat your dick with tissue paper That's not that hard All you really need is to Put it at the part That ejaculates The rest of your dick can be You know not covered in paper

That'll be fine You need to cut it Don't cut it Your dick is way too long You need to cut it Cut it Your dick is way too long You need to cut it

Where'd you get this cool rabbi? He's really dope He gave my son an infection But he My god is entrance music He came out to cut it Alright let's take a break And we'll be right back

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Check him out, thanks BetterHelp Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode Of our show, wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace For dummies like me And potentially you That don't necessarily know how to code

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If I were you to save 10% off that First purchase Thank you, Squarespace Damn Daniel, we're back already Oh, good lord You only get onto memes months after You just stop saying Opa

Damn Daniel style Oh, good lord, no We are going to be very soon In Dublin for the first time ever We're coming to Ireland for the first time ever No Hurwitz or Blumenfeld has ever set foot on Irish soil That's, I think I am part

Irish And I for one am going to enjoy a pint of Killian's Irish Red with everyone that fancies Who comes to the show Killian's Irish Dear Buy me a Killian's at the pub And make it a frosted lucky charm

Oh Boo Get off stage You don't sound like that That's fair For those impressions and more Please check out ifoweryoushow.com Or jaconamere.com for ticket information

Dublin, London T-dot, Fuse What's that? Fuse That's my Drake and ET impression If I were you No, it's Drake is Yoda Oh yeah Please, may the force be with you

He's about to come up for a great one Please Why are you always saying Yeah, what's a Yoda What's a Yoda phrase And then we can put it into a Drake song Use the force you will I don't think that is one, but use the force you will

Oh yeah, so like Please Do or do not There is no try, is that a Yoda? I don't know So please come out, those are going to be fun, fun, fun shows And there's not many tickets left The Dublin venues are kind of small

And while the British venue is large We're close to a thousand tickets sold So get them while they're not Get them while they're not What else What else I don't know, how are you doing I haven't been hanging out

As much since we don't live together anymore Oh yeah, we moved out of our house Have we talked about that on the show? I don't think that we talked about living on our own now For the first time in two years, Jake and I We're not roommates with each other More than two years, isn't it? That we've lived together?

It's like two and a half because we moved in together in February Of like 2014 Oh yeah, two and a half years Wow, it's crazy I miss you, man You're turning into a dog What are you laughing Yeah, man, I fucking love you, dude

I did see you openly weep While you went home last night Well, what we did was move into Two separate one bedroom apartments In the same complex So it's the baby a step you can take To not living with it We're on the same building

Yeah, that's true, it's a two building complex Actually three It's a three building complex Is it three? So one building is I think it's technically one One big Long unit

Yeah, but they're like They have different names I guess it's two different ways We live in two separate one bedroom apartments So we live together but separate To get to Amir's apartment I have to go in an elevator Go down across a courtyard

So it's not okay I really only see you at work I haven't been to your apartment yet I don't think I have Just when we walked in for the tour I had a dinner party last night My invite must have been lost in the mail Yeah, it didn't come up

I didn't even think to invite you, it's funny Who'd you invite? It was just like a bunch of my friends I have the same friends I was just like Heller and Marty Those are two of my friends Jesse's my friend George Basil's there

Billy and Adam We did this game Where we were just like saying What we fucking hated about you Everyone did this Fucking impression One guy did I know I say this a lot

He was blowing himself and we're like That's her wins We fucking Like dumped mustard and relish That's the guy who we said That's her wins Now I'm glad I wasn't there We turned him into a fucking coleslaw

We're spraying mustard and relish In the apartment It was a fucking A running train on Heller It devolved into a food orgy of sorts We're all so fucking overcome With emotion making fun of you I watched sports center

And I cooked a rice bowl by myself A rice bowl Just the bowl You put a bowl in a microwave You put like the plastic bowl Me so soup out of at sushi restaurants Into a microwave and you're like I'm gonna cook a rice bowl

And I ate it with a knife But it's kind of We're living in like sad bachelor pads It's like where divorced dads live Yeah definitely It feels a little bit like extended stay motels Just like stark white walls Yeah cheap refrigerators

With really light doors Thin walls more than anything else A carpet that always seems sort of Maybe a little moist Moist but also dry And peeling at the same time Have you noticed the tiles in the bath The shower are fake tiles

It's just plastic in the shape of tiles So it's not real tiles We're talking about the floor No I'm talking If you take a shower The tiles around the shower are all like One piece of plastic Yeah but the walls are shaped like tiles

Even though it's just plastic And then the floor is just a giant Flat piece of laminate that's supposed to look like bamboo Right it's like sort of It's colored like bamboo but it's like You can lift it up like a sticker Have you noticed how bad their system For packages is

No I haven't gotten a package yet I basically furnished my entire apartment Using online shopping For myself tables You ordered an end table on Amazon Yep on Amazon On Overstock You got your couch on Etsy

It's a shape like Mario Artisan couch So their system for packages Is they just write it down on a big long clipboard So you come in And I ask if I have packages And they just look through the clipboard And it's like 500 units

It's 500 units and sometimes So my name is on there like four different times And they have to go through It's like a word search too I've missed like two or three packages Because there's nothing And then I'll like ask someone else later And they find my name

It's just a huge list of names You think it would be like electronic or digital Yeah I asked yesterday Are you guys going to ever upgrade this And they said yeah Good enough for me Alright back into my sad little cave Yeah I'm sure that's fine

But living downtown is really nice Yeah living downtown is fun and then I guess not living together is healthy too Now when we tell people we don't live together People are like oh that's normal People usually assume you guys live together Yeah before people assumed that we didn't live together Or they make a joke like yeah they live together

We actually do live together Oh my god is that alright I thought you guys were in your 30s No yeah we are We are Are you going to move out of this apartment Are you trying to leave this apartment To move into like a real place

I don't know I'm kind of lazy So I enjoy the convenience of living In a close but shitty apartment Yeah and I don't want to Spend any more money on rent So I'm not going to get a better place Yeah and moving costs money Moving is the fucking worst

If you just don't have to move again You should do that I feel like I've gotten mature For the last few years because I used to just Not care about moving Yeah I'll move whatever I don't like this apartment anymore I'm going to fucking move

And now just I'm tired I mustn't move And now I finally have like money to do it Yeah you just pay other people to move But it's still hard Alright Rant over

Hashtag and rant What? Nothing I was trying to think of the HTML It's like a bracket Close rant Slash rant Alright let me think of a question Let me think of a word that I can search

I got a good one Goggles I do like goggles I bet you're going to see a lot of beer goggles Oh yeah there's a question We answered Oh I might have

There's two questions But one we already answered I'll call that a win You've won the game The game is now tied Alright great Let's call this His

Email subject is will alcohol Always fix everything The answer is yes We'll call this guy will alcohol Ooh I like that It's kind of a cool name Hi Jake and Amir So I've recently realized that every time I hook up with a girl

I'm always drunk I don't know why I'm starting to feel guilty about it Maybe I'm jealous of the inner Casanova That the alcohol opens inside me I know what must be happening It gets the inner confidence And not give a fuck swagger I also think

I may have a face that is extra affected Girls beer goggles Is that a thing? How do I channel my drunk game into my Normal sober game Love will alcohol Okay He's got a little self esteem issue

He thinks he has a special face that Not as ugly or hot But improves a great amount When other people drink and see him Yeah I know everybody looks better When people are drunk But I think I look extra good It's an insult and a compliment

The angles are all right for Blurred vision Yeah he has like very Small blemishes That's sort of when you take your glasses off And put on beer goggles Disappear quickly Yeah it seems like

If you get used to doing anything You're just out of your comfort zone when you change it up Like if you go out and you drink And you meet people and that's like the way it's Always been done And all of a sudden you're trying to change it up And do something sober It's a little giant, it's a little scary

Social lubricant is a great name It's very visceral And true like just Talking to someone sober And having people meet feels like sandpaper Is like grubbing up against sandpaper And then you add alcohol and suddenly Things are moving a little fluid

It's a little easier, things are slick Not unlike the fake tiles in our bathroom Just very shiny, slick and slippery But how do you Transition I think what helps is Being Growingly sober with someone

So first time drunk Second time a little less drunk Third time sober Suddenly you got good sober game Then you go to the next person drunk Then sober on the second one Then maybe you can start dealing with people At sober level

As with everything, you want to transition Crossfade, dissolve Into the ability to Speak, interact and socialize What you call a normal sober game Yeah, I think it all comes down to I guess I don't know if I Completely agree with the

You know The The rungs you've laid out Yeah, I think it's a rungs I think it's more of Right That is your slogan, you're wearing that shirt My ladder company

Not my former company, but the ladder company Two rungs make it right Yes You make very short ladders Stepping stools mostly Anyway, can I party Can I trouble you for a toilet It's just that it's very hot out

I'm selling incredibly short ladders And I haven't been able to take a shit I am prairie dogging to say the most And here we go Out it goes Prairie dog is on the loose Can I shake it out on your stoop I assure you

It's already trickling down my calf And here it goes, very good As you were Trio Amazing A thousand dollars Never mind I think

It's It's all about You want to be responsible with alcohol anyway But it's really about Staying inside your comfort zone And you feel more confident When you've had a little As you've said

Social lubrication But the other thing that makes you feel comfortable And confident is being around people that you know And enjoy So going out with your friends And being affable You know When you're with a big group of people

And you just feel like you own the bar And you feel like oh this is cool When you're on fire When you're having one of those nights Those are the situations that you want to find yourself in I feel like that transcends alcohol It's just like comradery and people having fun It can also be like different drugs

You don't have to do alcohol You can go out and shroom You don't have to The rungs always involve two drugs I shroom In a pill I took a pill in a bead Oh that's really good

And I can dunk To show a VG I can dunk Alright You got one last word Subscribe to the show Like just subscribe to our podcast It's a button that makes it

So we're famous again Subscribe to the show Please Why you always hate Please Yes I've got one Trout

That's right Trout Like the fat You loser Is there one? Oh interesting What? There's three questions

One of them is in our two answer Interesting One of them, his name has trout in it Mmm So do you want to answer the one that's in our two answer The one that has never been read Or the one where trout is in the name of the man I don't know

Good lord They're also ticklish They're also different I want to do the unanswered one But we read all of them just to me later What? I just want you to read all of them to me later So I can satisfy my curiosity

Like later tonight or Yeah tonight you can come over to my house and tuck me in Mr. Maloney my Third grade teacher Was actually going to come by and sort of check On my masturbation progress Well I live with him now Oh

He's my bed see I sleep on his body I murdered him when I was 19 I taxidermied his body And he's my bed see He started me for good you see I made it so his dick's always hard And I sleep on that you see

I sleep with his dick in me I taxidermied dick Dear Jake and Amir I was dating What the fuck Subscribe to the show I was dating a woman for 10 years 10 years

And we recently broke up because She made me miserable You know how it is when you've been together that long The thing is when we had sex she would moan And groan about how big my unit was She would beg that I only Put it in just the tip Because she couldn't take it

And the sex was amazing because of this I felt like a stud with a giant hammer She was the only woman I've ever had sex with until we broke up And I met a new woman who makes me happy In so many ways The problem is When we had sex for the first time

The new woman was taking my Shaft with ease and kind of a nonchalant Attitude I was shocked because I was so used to thinking I was like a horse I asked her if she enjoyed the intercourse And she said yes I asked her if I was the biggest

She had ever been with And she kind of laughed and said I was Average I have been walking around the gym naked all these years Just Do silly dick puppetry Thinking I was hung My confidence is shattered

My question is should I get back with my ex Who makes me feel like I have a giant Trouser trout Boom But in every other way it makes me feel miserable Or should I date this new woman Who makes me feel like I'm humping her With a breakfast sausage

But makes me happy in so many other ways Thanks Dan For not having found that Should fire them all How many emails are we down to now by the way Fourteen four Not fast enough kids Hum

So this girl Makes him miserable in every other way Except for thinking that his dick is big Or this new girl who called His dick average but is great in every other way We happen to have a lot Of questions like this Where the choice is between two

Bad situations And I don't think that the girl that he likes I think that's pretty clear The one that he likes and doesn't Make his dick feel big To me it's like 400 pros And then like one fine thing Or like all cons

And then The opposite of the size of his dick Calling his dick average size is a huge con I mean that's like But you can only be with people That want your dick to be big Mmm I don't think that

Well everybody thinks my dick is fucking huge So I often have this problem I know dude I love that I can't even answer this question Because it's about a guy who's fucking hog Isn't huge I can't even read the question because my cock

Is blocking the screen I'm cock blocking myself 40 inch cock I feel like every guy Has a smaller than average penis Where they could have sex with everybody And it would be fine or a dick that was so big That they could only like

Get half of it inside anyone Basically cause pain I think the vast majority of dudes Would choose ginormous dick Doesn't it seem like if you can only get Just the tip in that's not good Why does he prefer that I'd rather be able to

Slide into the DMs Or in this case the VMs Not a lot Yeah I don't know What the rationality is You need to cut it The male psyche We just want to have massive

Painful cocks I don't want a massive painful cock I think slightly above average is the best size Pen You'd rather be in the 99th percentile I am in the 99th percentile I can't even say anything lower than that Cause my dick is so big

I don't even know a number less than 99 You'd rather have a 12 inch Dick than a 6 What's the question dude Would you rather have a 12 inch Dick than I have Or what Or be able to sing really well

And dunk Shit Probably came about because Maybe your girlfriend had a smaller vagina Or maybe this girl that you're with I mean everybody's different shapes and sizes So your dick might be big Relative to somebody that

Like Your ex Had seen before Maybe she hadn't seen a penis Maybe this girl that you're with now Has had sex with a guy with a big penis So you seem average or less than average But

How it feels And the problem I guess Is that because he feels like his dick is small He's Your dick is small My dick's fucking Sorry I don't want to get into this right now But I have a vagina

I have a big penis and you have a string Benus I think the first thing you could do is Maybe say something like hey That's so fucking lame I think just whatever I think it's bad to have an average size dick I think that's fine

It's literally a fine because it's average And I know it sounds like I have an average size dick Which I don't I feel like people are smart enough now to be like If someone is insecure enough to ask like hey Is my dick big and they say it's fine They mean it's less than I mean I don't even know what the motivation behind it is

Just lie and say that it's big You're giving advice to the girl now Don't ever tell me that my dick is average I think that this guy Should look up other dicks Measure himself See if in his eyes How does he measure up?

Yeah like is your dick big enough for you That's all that really matters Because if you got the confidence to use it real well Yeah dude The confidence And then also just know that if somebody The dignity Yeah the dignity

If somebody makes you feel less than Equal to You don't have to go back to the X Who thought your dick was big but you hated And you don't have to be with somebody that you mostly like But makes you feel inadequate sexually There are other people And that's what growing up in being in relationships

Is there's somebody out there that Will make you feel like a Casanova And Also is Emotionally and intellectually engaging They do yeah Okay that's good You have to choose a vegetable

That your dick is shaped after Sure Worst one is probably The snap pea It is thin It is tri-bumped It is salty and it is furry That is true

It's hard to get all the juices out of it Carrot Yum That's what's good Like something long and thick What's more Carrots are thin Your penis that you would rather

Baby carrot You're thinking about I said a fucking potato Potato Bitch Cucumber A big thick watery cucumber My dick is actually

My dick is actually a fucking parsnip Yeah well my three watermelons In a fucking row That's actually really Pumpkin nuts Pumpkin nuts That's right Jack-o-lanternuts

I have got two fucking pumpkin nuts Like little Decorative little gourds Not little The kind that win the state fair The blue ripping pumpkin balls That come in on a wheelbarrow That grow all lopsided

Strangely Because they can't stand their own weight Yeah Elephant tightest of the shaft And balls Gross Luckyest man in the universe Right here

Me with a deformed cock Bigger than a cat I hate that Yeah it's a Volkswagen Beetle Alright cool Thank you so much for listening everybody If you have your own theme songs Your own questions that you want to get to

The email address for everything is Ifirishowatgmail.com The opening one was the Dear Theodosia Parity Written by Geordie And then let me look up this guy's name While he's doing that y'all remember If you haven't done it already We've reminded you a few times

Describing And you know what that does That just tells iTunes that you want to Download the episodes as soon as they come out And hey it's good for you You don't have to download iStream when it comes out I don't download shit to my phone But I still get the podcast

Showing up on my feed that I subscribe to And honestly not every one of you has to do it But it really has to be one in seven So if you can make that happen We would appreciate it And then keep an eye on the top podcast And see if this experiment works Let's see if we climb up the charts

It would be sad if we Don't? Yeah, don't If we're a shoot rather than a ladder Paul Balser is the rap at the end Of this Paul Balser Thank you Geordie

Thanks to you guys for listening Thanks to Jake for co-hosting Thank you to me most of all For being the host with the most Oh, I don't know Whatever You said thanks to me most of all I sort of lost myself in what I consider to be the truth

Coolio We'll see you next Monday Peace To TV consultant Jake and Jocelyn on the mac-de-bose Cricket fuckers in the face with them chuckles It's getting laced with the real advice On how to seize a fucking cheesier bitch

To seize it twice So if you do not know what to do I'd straight up shut up And listen if that's what's up Cause this is Shmell And Jake too