If I Were You - 227: Pokemon Go (with Travis McElroy!)

Episode Date: August 1, 2016

We are joined by fellow advice podcaster Travis McElroy to discuss pain, pleasure, and the difference between a canoe and a kayak.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, BlueApron, and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Yo, if I were you, I'd tell you what I do Yeah, I do me, but yo do you, I seize the cheese Can I have some advice, please? Jake and Amir gonna give it to you These two juice, hope you threw your blues But if you're nasty, these dudes gonna put you on blast on a Monday A Thursday, don't matter the time All that matters is you gonna get advisory With a picture of Amir, the message is clear and nothing to fear Just look in the mirror, they got your back twice If you act nice, help with your life, give you advice

If I were you, the podcast shows If I were you, if I were you If I were you, if I were you Okay That was really good It's important to me to know right now Hi, how's it going? Hey Is seize the cheese something you guys have said on the show before?

Or did they make that up for this song? Wow What do you think? Oh, I wanted to believe that this guy just went, seize the cheese It's great, I love that It's that song there Yeah, we said it in one of our first episodes ever Really?

And it stuck Was it, were you talking about literal cheese? Or was that like, you gotta risk it for the biscuit? That's really good Thank you, that's Griffin So I'm stealing that from him You can secondarily steal it from my little brother That's fine

I think it was an auto auction or a police seizure auction Yeah It was quite literally, it was about nacho cheese So it was literal cheese, this is real life But then like since then we've gotten like Pizza Hut and like Domino's like using that phrase to sell their product But also when people write in, they say like This girl I want to ask her out, should I seize the cheese and go for it?

That's beautiful I love that Travis McElroy Oh hello Just gotta introduce you for anybody listening that happens to not know who you are Which is growingly hard because as you told me less than 20 minutes ago You host eight podcasts That's correct

Seven on the regular, one once a year And what's the biggest, most well-known podcast? It's probably my brother and my brother and me Or Adventures Zone at this point I mean both have hit pretty big My brother and my brother and me is the one I do My older brother Justin and my little brother Griffin Where we give advice

Which I don't know if you guys know about our advice podcast Have you heard of this concept? And we have no idea, we're really bad at it And we have no idea what we're talking about That sounds a lot, yeah You can actually try it, it's really fun We might give dumb advice It's really great, it's so easy because you don't need to know shit

And you just start every episode saying Hey don't do any of this, you can say whatever the hell you want I listen to your podcast, you guys have like a disclaimer Yeah, we should do that because otherwise we're not experts And we're serious about our disclaimer Like people have written him like, so I do what you guys said And I'm like, no, no, why did you, no, no We said terrible things, awful things

Things that'll send you to prison, don't do the things we said And people think we're joking when we say don't do the things So maybe that's one of the main differences between me and Jake I think we try to actually give advice Oh no, do I have to actually give advice on this show? Oh, yeah It might be that Oh no

We thought it'd be fun because whenever we ask who we should have on our show Everybody's always like, oh you should get the McElroy brothers from my brother and my brother and me They have an advice show, me and Jake have an advice show So we had the brilliant idea Jake and I would go on your guys' show You would come on our show Both episodes, if we play our cards right Yeah

Are out today But you know, we let the face decide You know, we just roll them bones and say what happened I wish we were in control of it But who knows If you haven't listened to my brother and my brother and me Great chance, if we did everything correct That an episode with Jake and I is on right now

And where could people listen to that? You can go to, let's see The easiest place is probably mbmbam.com Which will redirect you to maximumfun.org Which is the network that hosts our show Or you can go on iTunes, search my brother and my brother and me And you'll find it Or you can just like Google my brother and my brother and me

Awesome Pull it up So we believe in you If you ever need some more advice podcasts in your life everybody Please check that out If your problem with Jake and me have been that there's not a third one of them Yeah Might I suggest my brother and my brother and me

There's three of us Yeah, the problem is everyone says that we're two Jews And I don't think, I'm not getting that vibe from you Yeah, and I also don't think you can rhyme three Let's see, three? I can't think of a Jewish word Three Ani

Ani, which means me in Hebrew Three of me? It's kind of like three brothers I'll give it to you This is the new my brother and my brother and me You guys, your studio is far nicer than ours Oh really? I get to get in the same room with you

Which almost never happens with me and my brothers We've only, we've recorded 300 and Well, when this comes out probably like 314, 315 episodes Oh, I hope we're on Pi, we're episode Pi Oh, that'd be so cool As of recording this, we've only ever recorded in the same room Not coming live shows like three times Holy shit

Yeah, in all those episodes One in a hundred? Yeah, they're about So Griffin is in Austin, Texas And Justin is in Huntington, West Virginia Which is where we grew up Damn And I'm trying, even when Griffin and I lived in Cincinnati together

Like in an apartment, we'd go into separate rooms to record Because we had no idea that normal people recorded in the same room And we're just like, okay, we're ready to record, bye And we shut our bedroom doors and recorded our own computers Interesting Yeah, we didn't know any better It wasn't until like 100 episodes later that people were like How do you record in different cities?

And we're like, what do you mean? And they're like, I don't do that And it's like, there's nobody, nobody else? I don't think we've ever recorded an episode of our show apart Yeah, so much of what we do is like talking over each other And if there was even a slight delay, Skype or otherwise We've tried to do I'm afraid the whole thing would fall apart

We've tried to do video before And it was like the stupidest thing we've ever done Because it was like, we spent the whole time just making faces at each other And we're like, we can't do that I can't see, I can't look at you Gross So weird See, if they look at me, they can see me zone out

And try to think of jokes to come up with while they're talking Yeah I'm not listening to the shit they're saying I'm trying to think of what I'm gonna say now Yeah Or doodling While not listening I'm usually napping a little bit

Or eating some cereal with it muted You know what I mean? Yeah, gotta What's your go-to cereal? You know, when I was young It was Cinnamon Toast Crunch But now, as an older man I like a nice, like a crispix

Like something where it's just like I feel like an adult cereal Like some kind of plain cornflake I wonder if they should do a single flake A single flake A large flake that I break up into pieces You know, something really nice I wonder if you could get a

Or if Cinnamon Toast Crunch is ever gonna be like Why don't we do the Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal Without the cinnamon sugar That'd probably make it healthy for adults I think they have like a one-third It's still kind of like Do they have that where it's like It's Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but like for adults

Is it like, it's like General Mills or whatever Like they have a large line of Cinnamon Toast Crunch isn't the cereal That's like trying to reinvent itself Yeah, but like, I feel like They add the cinnamon sugar after They can do like Oh, you just want the Toast Crunch

That's right, I'd like Toasted Crunch cereal I will say, I miss the days of my childhood Where before everybody was like Let's make it healthier, everyone And you know what? French Toast Crunch Fuck it, and like everything was like It's just a bowl full of chocolate chips The fucking Cookie Kris is just straight up cookies in a bowl

There was a cereal where they went You know Lucky Charms, what if we removed the cereal part And just had all marshmallows No, was that real? Yeah That cereal hurt my teeth even as a kid Yeah, I ate it and I was like, this isn't right I'm 8 and I hate this Yeah, I'm 8 and even I'm like, this is too much

No, this is diabetes Mom But like, then everyone was like, now everything's whole wheat And it's like, okay, I'm an adult now I've got a kid on the way, I'm glad that exists But I miss the kind of like Thunderdome, No Holds Bar Like what kind of sugar shit can we put in our cereal

We don't even like kids Once the kid pops out Then you'll be right back in the cereal aisle With the sugary cereal To the point where there was like, kicks And everyone was like, this is all you got If you want healthy cereal, enjoy your kicks Looking for that was kid-tested mother approved

Yeah, it was like They might have said this is the best we could do Nobody really likes it You're not gonna buy sugar, do this one then Fuck, enjoy your kicks, idiot They always came in a giant box Yeah, to really punish you for buying it You gotta work your way through this

I didn't say there was so much right now Pops was my shit You remember Waffle Crisp? Waffle Crisp, like if you ate Waffle Crisp You could I was like 12 when I felt like I was having a stroke Cause if you ate Waffle Crisp You would smell the Waffle Crisp for days

Afterwards I felt like Smelling your hands and like your face and like where Why do I still, it's like up your nose Everywhere, it was so pervasive You could smell it Did Golden Grams ever have marshmallows? No, there was Chocolate Golden Grams, was that it?

I feel like it was like It was Golden Grams and Chocolate Grams Mixed together in a thing There was like S'more Cereal, Rice Krispy Treat Cereal Cereal is gonna be illegal soon In the same way that like large sodas Pretty soon, you think it's gonna be like

Why do we even make this stuff anymore I can't market to kids, I have a feeling like You can't have an animated tiger Yelling at kids during Disney shows To eat your sugar Cereal for breakfast It's not okay It's gonna be illegal I bet Within the next, I don't know, 7000 years I bet

Somewhere around there So we have emails We have real emails from real people Sorry to interrupt, you didn't mention who Wrote the sign I don't think Oh yeah, his name was Nick and he's from Australia Nick was sitting at the edge of his seat You were never ever gonna

You sons of bitches, I wrote you a song Mate Screaming mate over and over Mate Oh this is shit I don't have no idea how to do accents He said, I hope you enjoyed listening to me failing To hide my Australian accent in a shitty rap

I never would have guessed I also never would have guessed, I thought you did great It's interesting how when you sing you don't have an accent Yeah, it's really hard to like I've had no idea what genre of music that was By the way, it was like It was like R&B rap, it was like Genuine but Australian

Australian Genuine That's a very Specific theme that he hit And I guarantee that there is somebody That if you say nationality An American pop star That person exists in that country And calls themselves that

There is someone in Australia who's like I'm the Australian Genuine I wanna meet like the Kenyan Kesha What about Kenyan Lamar So it's a Kenyan Oh that's cool too What about an Estonian M&M So it's all about

Alliteration Like we said This is an advice podcast It's called If I Were You This is actually the only advice podcast On the internet that Jake and I host Fair enough, this is a good twist to the end there We had to give it a disclaimer

We used to be the only advice guest hosted by brothers And then the vlogbrothers started a podcast And we were like hold on No they're great, I love them very much And they talk about our show on there all the time We say the word, we'll take them out I'll let you know if they ever receive their advice Right now they do send see your advice

If they ever step into bad advice Watch out, there'll be a turf war And it's gonna be in Cincinnati, Austin, Texas And Huntington West Virginia We've got a lot of different fronts going You guys have three states So these are real emails from real people They sent me a fake man's name

That will give this guy Just to preserve his anonymity Uh, Cletus Jenkins Thank you Do you actually know any Cletai going on? I do, my dad actually does a radio show With a guy named Cletus I don't know that it's his given name

But he is a country music performer Who is, he does like a comedy Kind of weird owl thing for country music Took on the name Cletus T. Judd You hear Cletus a lot in like comedy Unless, I don't know, I'm not from West Virginia Or people actually named that I don't know, I've never known anyone

That were like, I was born, a Cletus My given name is Cletus My parents looked upon me and said, ah, a Cletus A wild Cletus appears A Cletus Fetus That was good Should we keep going or is that? No, that's fine, we can end it

We're not gonna do any better than that Cletus Fetus Jenkins writes Hey guys, day one listener I've never been in a really bad situation That was interesting to write To write in about until now I matched with a smoke piece Dime show on Tinder

Everything was going normally A hot lady I thought it was like a gun or maybe Some kind of drug pair or maybe Which would be way more exciting Tinder match It matched with a hot girl on Tinder We talked about our jobs and hobbies And we were getting along really well

After a couple of days, the conversation finally heated up And we started talking about sex And asking each other what we liked Then it started getting weird She started asking me strange things like Are you strong? Have you ever been in a fight? Then she sent me the message If I gave you a blow job

Would you beat me up? No, no, no, let me say that again If I gave you a blow job Would you let me beat you up? That makes more sense I kind of dodged the question And I asked her why she wanted that And she basically said

Being able to beat up a big strong guy Would turn her on For reference, I'm 6 feet and pretty muscular And she's 5'3 and tiny and doesn't even seem very athletic To be honest, when I think about her beating me up It kind of turns me on But I think that's just because she's hot We've been having role playing conversation

Where she is telling me how she'd beat me up And she's super into it I really do like her And of course a blow job sounds great But I'm honestly scared that if I do this Then she's going to get carried away And seriously hurt me or something I can't tell if this is just a kink

Or if she's legit insane Should I do it? Love Cletus Jenkins Okay, one, Cletus, she is not legit insane This is like Legit insane is like a real thing And this is not that This is completely normal

This is a fetish, not a Disorder You know, the thing is We jump way, way back to the very beginning of this question Oh, back to the serial Yeah, back to the serial Can I talk about that again? I met my wife

And have been with her Since long before like Tinder or anything was a thing Pre-Tinder Pre-Apps So like I met my wife in like 2008 I don't want to say 2009 We've been together for like Going on seven, eight years now

Congrats, hey thanks Pretty great But even like I remember when like AOL instant messenger started being a thing Oh yeah And like I was instantly wary And didn't believe anybody who was like I am a girl and I think you're nice

And I'd be like I followed for that before In the conversation You still think your wife is catfishing I don't trust her, I don't trust her one bit What she after But here's the thing, I'm confused by What the issue is here And the idea of her beating you up

Kind of turns you on God seems to win Unless She has like Secret like Krav Maga training Where she's gonna like She's hustling you She seems like

Not that brutal But when you really get down to it She's going to just destroy you Like when you lose that pool for a game You're like alright you want to start playing for money Unless she's hustling you He's going to be like alright hit me as hard as you can And like stick his face out

And then she's going to knee him in the groin Like pumped She's going to briefly the shit out of him Like you know water in a bowl He goes flying backwards through a brick wall Roundhouse kick to the temple and he's instantly dead You said it was okay You promised me it was fine

It does seem like that's his big fear Like he's down to wrestle a little bit But he's like I don't want this to get out of hand But the thing is This isn't the first time anyone's dealt with this problem That's why safe wards exist Oh yeah yeah yeah Is that you say like you know the safe word is

Nilla wafer or whatever And then like she works it out Nilla wafer, Nilla wafer She's walking towards him Nilla wafer, Nilla wafer She starts putting on just like gloves coated In like broken glass and you're like Nilla wafer, Nilla wafer, wafer

Nilla wafer, wafer And then you're dead But I think the problem is is like This is not a sustainable fetish That this is like you're not going to form a Relationship based on her giving you a blow job And then beating you up every time Like cause like that happens once

But the next time she's like hey do you want a blow job And you're like ahhh And then you start like having a Pavlovian response Where you start fearing blow jobs Because you know what happens after the blows From blows to blows that's what they call it But like you're not going to end up in like A blow job with someone who in order to be

Sexually engaged with you has to Beat you up Yeah and also for her to like It sounds like they've never done anything sexual Before so don't want to start there Sounds like we haven't even met yet Right so like it should be like we met We had sex and we've been like seeing each other

For a couple weeks and then she proposed this deal I feel like the question he has to ask is like Does she really need to Like when I play with my little cousins And I'm high five way up high Way down low and they like And I do your too slow and they like catch me or whatever And I'm like oh you got me

Like I could actually I'm pretty fast I don't know what you guys have heard But he couldn't get away from her That was that one time where it looked like he legit clipped No fucking chance No no no go to the replay And then when you had his nose that one time And he didn't buy it it seems like

He knew that you didn't really have his nose Then there was that time when he had my nose And I acted Yeah but I was enacting entirely I legit looked in the mirror just really quick Just to make sure that he didn't have It's still Alright it's your fucking thumb bro

I never fell for it for a second It's not like if this is a one off deal I'd do it you know Because like I thought you were going to say That she wanted you to like beat up her husband Or something like how big and strong are you Could you come beat up my husband But just like this sounds like

She's looking for kind of a one off experience And if you're like considering it Maybe you're down for the same thing Would you be down would you be down to get beat up You know no 5 foot 3 is like not like a tiny 5 year old That's like a fully grown adult human I just feel like there are a lot more questions to ask

Like I would be Interested in like wrestling Or something and I think somebody pinned me But if the fetish is Legit she wants to like kick and punch Until I'm in a lot of pain Then I think no I can get a blowjob Another place

Blowjobs are like you know they're rare But they're not yeah but this girl is really hot Yeah I think it's Still I feel confident that I Could get a blowjob from an attractive person You know I'm going to go with I would not do it But to be fair Cleetus does say like the idea of it

Kind of like he's into it too So like hey Like don't judge her if you're like No I'm also kind of into the idea Oh man I feared that I like I'd snap it to like a self defense mode And it's like that's when it becomes like a bad situation Like I'd be like Jason Bourne

Oh I was Like they'd slap me and then I would slap her back And she's like whoa I'm like whoa sorry I don't know what happened The blood just came in my eyes I saw red I couldn't help it Holy shit I have Navy SEAL training Like I've been tickled before and when like When I'm wriggling to get away I've like hit someone

And then I was like oh my god I'm so sorry It was like such a fun silly moment I took a stage combat class in college And like we were practicing like you know the naps And my teacher came by And like that word of like Warning grab my like wrist And held my fist up and said

Completely seriously I went Ever went to look at this Travis has fists of iron If he were to ever accidentally punch someone He would kill them I was like what Like one I don't Like when I was 21 and this happened

But now at like you know 32 I'm like I wouldn't I've never been in a series fight in my life I don't even know how to really punch that good I guarantee I would not one shot Kill someone with my punch But at 21 I was like I have to be careful I bet you can fuck it

Maybe not kill but I bet you can like concuss a cat with those Like you have very thick hands I could concuss a cat I killed cats You boxed a cat Yeah I killed a cat once too by accident I didn't feed it for a week By accident though

I was cat sitting That is true like here's the thing man Like human body is not nearly as like Resilient as we think it is Especially depending on how old Cletus is If this girl like punches him Wrong in the nose he could Die

Like that's a very real possibility Like if she punches you in the temple Too hard you could die I don't know that This is worth it I like what you said about a safe word I feel like having a safe word is a good start The problem is if she pays up front

With a blow job and then like you get hit Once and you're like Mila Waver and she's like What the fuck Like you got off and I really did I punched you one Like you would have to say you got at least six punches And then if I were to institute the safe word You got a lot to work out before you engage in this

You guys have to sign a contract She also said that they did role playing Over text right So maybe that's a good indicator of like How serious she was And then I stab you No no no If it's like hits to my back or shoulder

I can handle a lot If it's like she wants me to expose my face While she punches and slaps and kicks my balls I can't take that Balls and face are off limits I think that's a fair rule Same as like growing up fighting with brothers Balls no face

I never punched in the face of a boss Like that was always like whoops I'm sorry We're done fight's done By the time we got the griffin we would just like pick him up Cause Joss and I fought like crazy What's the age difference between you guys Joss and I are exactly three years apart We were the same birthday three years apart

Same birthday? Same birthday November 8th Yes and then griffin is About three and a half years younger than me Oh so it's three three three That's like you and your brothers isn't it Yeah we're four four four How's that it's nice right Yeah I feel like

I only knew for three years I wasn't able to fully appreciate it An interesting thing about your birthday 11-8 Is that it's kind of my birthday which is 118 Okay we'll kill it So we got another email here Another guy's name Let's go with Orion Jones

That's great thank you That's a really that's a strong name He's a superhero detective Did you just make that up? Yeah I did That's really good thank you Orion Jones Attorney at Law writes He's Indian like from India

Not the kind that knows how to canoe Obviously Cool cool cool Orion come on Racist at the end that was on your side Orion he was just saying If it helps color the story I can color the story

He also he applied that all Native Americans Know it should know how to canoe I also did not need to know the ethnicity Of the person who tipped a canoe over to be like Oh he's Indian of course If there's one thing I know about India It's their tipping canoe ability Yeah tip a canoe

I'm Tyler too Nice dude Isn't he from West Virginia? No Has any president ever been from West Virginia? What's from West Virginia what is it? Me Cole Who's the biggest name from West Virginia Oh man Kevin Pitznoggle Is it Kevin Pitznoggle

I don't know who that is West Virginia Mountaineer The Mountaineer is at Marshall University Yeah Randy Moss Is from Huntington Chad Pittington He went to Marshall I don't know if he's from Huntington Soupi Sales is from Huntington

Soupi Sales Brad Doriff Is from Huntington You're more famous than that No no no You seen Dune? Oh he's in that You're more famous than that guy

We don't have a ton You guys could be in the Wikipedia page I think we are maybe one of the We're in the top 100 Most famous people ever The Huntington 100 they call it Yeah that's amazing It's you Randy Moss your two brothers They're still filling out the rest

They're wives We all do podcasts with them Ever been on a trip where you didn't want to invite somebody? You know I am I am at times overly inclusive Too much so Yeah if I'm going to throw a thing

When we had our wedding We can fit 100 At most 120 And I was like I want to invite 150 people And I did and thank God I invited most people knowing they couldn't come So we ended up getting down to the 100 Number after RSVPs were in

But it was driving me crazy To like But this one guy that I was friends with When we were nine he'd be so hurt if I didn't invite him I was like he doesn't care you don't know What are you arguing about? I was like no this is important And Here's the thing

Bachelor party that's an even bit small Bachelor party is a good bet But the thing is it's been a year They said it was in winter It's been at least six seven months I don't think you need to tell them You just don't say anything You just go and they're like oh I didn't even fit

With social media he'll find out Especially if he's part of the crew But here's the thing the question is Is it better to find out afterwards And let him assume Things or just straight up tell him To his face we don't want you to be there One thing is definitely harder

There's a bit of a I'm not saying it's better But there's a bit of like a social Understanding of like You going like oh like we didn't even think Because we know you're not super interested in canoeing Because remember I didn't You just tip the canoe

And think about it and obviously you're lying And they know you're lying and you know they know you're lying I think that would work if they did Like just a millennial Language that we all speak Which is what? Just like sort of a passive apology Like excuse after the fact

Or I'm going to try to come by Or yeah try to make it It feels like everybody My parents and my grandparents' generation Was like very blunt and told you how it was Aziz Ansari has a great bit about that Kind of special modern love What kind of Indian is he?

I think he's the kind that doesn't know how to paddle a canoe He's the typical canoe kind But where he talks about Like back in the day like if you made plans with someone And you went like You were away from your phone So either they showed up or you assumed they were dead And nowadays it's like right up until

30 seconds before they're supposed to be there They could text you and be like can't make it And you're like I'm standing here And you're constantly scrolling through your phone I'm guilty of this too of going through Anybody doing anything as I've made Plans with someone that I want to cancel Even like the way like when I say

I can't do some things like my friend's like Hey do you want to come over for dinner? I'll go maybe not which means no but like Ask me tomorrow on the day Maybe technically means I could come But I'm saying maybe not instead of no It just feels rude when he's like You want to get dinner and I say no

I think that if you're planning You have to have a reason that you can't I'm looking forward to having a kid Kids can be the best excuse to get me out of shit now I'm already using it with my wife pregnant Where like we get to a party where they're there for an hour And it's time to leave them like she's really pregnant I will point you to start texting the kid

Like hey I'm not gonna make the baseball game I'm gonna be honest with you I'm gonna try to come through I'll keep you posted There's a marathon of Star Wars movies that can't make it I think that How far out in advance do they say they were planning this? Planning to attempt the trip again this summer

If you're far enough Out I think you say hey we're doing this thing Last time you ruined it You tipped the canoe dude But we want you to go because we like you But we need you to go take some canoe lessons And not fuck it up again By the way it's summer now

Like there was a real risk when they fell in the ice cold water If you fall into the summery water that's kind of fine Go kayaking instead It's way harder to tip a kayak Oh yeah I don't even know the difference So canoe as I understand Sits lower in the water And is straighter sides

And the kayak kind of like you get in And it's kind of curved up And it's a lot easier like it sits higher in the water It's easier to maneuver I've gone kayaking before I've only canoed once in my life And a kayak like you roll up And they're just like here's your kayak Here's your paddle, here's your vest, don't die

And it's like it's really easy Not to fuck up, it's exhausting It's really hard Of course the triceps Like if you're not prepared you will die So our advice is Invite your friend but switch it from a canoe To a kayak

And maybe tell them to practice some Go to the gym, do some rowing exercises It's crew canoe or kayaking I think it's canoeing That's why they call it the crew I forgot they called it that But here's the thing, your friend fucked up this canoe trip last time I think you're well within your eyes like

Hey we're going on this thing I want you to know ahead of time Yeah last time we could have died because of you So this time we're going to do the thing Where we don't invite you And then when we come back If you want to go to an arcade or whatever you're good at We'll go do that

If this guy really really is adamant Like no I want to come on the canoe trip Then I think if you get him a boat they can't tip over You get a little Give him a really ambiguous thing Like a swan and he's got to run his feet To paddle it A donut float

You tie him to the back You tie it to the back of the kayak He's wearing a donut floaty Like that cartoon duck You could chill, you could drink a beer, you do your thing Float down the lazy river I will say a similar thing happened to me My older brother and some of his friends

One of whom His family had like a white water rafting business About an hour north of Huntington They were like hey we're going white water rafting So I went with him, I think I was like 19 at the time And there were lots of instructions One of which was like if we hit rapids Don't stop paddling

Unless we tell you to And we hit a big rapid And it like bounces up almost like At a 90 degree angle to the water And so I immediately like ducked down in the boat I was like fuck this And so when I came back up like There were eight of us in the boat originally

When we landed there were three of us left in the boat And the other five were just like floating around And the three cowards were the ones that survived You're holding on instead of paddling And just after that my brother would be like Hey you're not going white water rafting With us anymore, you are terrible at it I would be like I totally get that

I hate it every second It's possible your friend hated it It's like a prisoner's dilemma You can either hold the boat and survive Or paddle and try to fall out But try saving it I'm always going to duck down in the boat I'm the most important everywhere I go

If you land and you're in the boat You should immediately just jump out If the video tipped over I'd let you guys go I wouldn't even try to help you You hold on and you survive And then you fall out and you're like you bastard You didn't paddle I was the whole time

I battled extra hard That's why I stayed on Oh shame shame Let's take a break We'll thank a few sponsors and we'll be back With more advice giving after this Anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist

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Everything looks good, let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Hey, we're back We did it. How do these questions compare To the ones that are in your show? So, they're longer

I am the one Who goes through the questions from my brother Is it email too? Yeah, and we get a lot at this point And the tricky thing is we don't want to give Real advice And so many people ask for real advice And it's like, that's not funny

You're just sad Yeah, sometimes we get sad We pride ourselves on we've built a very strong Community and a relationship with our listeners And so sometimes people Really need help and really want us to help And it's like, yeah, we can't Not only are we not prepared to

Like, that's not what the show And it always feels a little bit like got wrenching That's like, I really want to help you And then what percentage of questions Do you get out of relationship questions? 92 That's really what people have the most problems It's the most confusing thing

Because everything else is about you How do I deal with somebody else That's the confusing part The thing that we get relationship Best friends that roommate questions And office Worker or my boss is terrible Those three types of questions make up

About 95% And then there's some silly fun ones We did one week just like I think it was like all roommate questions Because we were like, after that week Please don't ask us any more Remake questions for a year That didn't go well

That's the thing is we get I would say at this point about 400 questions a week Holy shit And we do maybe four In the list and we get to four It takes about three hours To go through all of them once a week And then to pick the ones that I'm like

I think this will be okay And short, that's the thing We're usually looking for two or three sentences Two or three sentences People always try to fill in all these details And it's like, that's too specific And that's not funny Do you edit?

I used to When we first started out This is a really good question But it's like five paragraphs long We get so many questions now that I don't have to And we've also said on the show Keep them short, if you want them on the show We're looking for two to three sentences

And then someone will send an eight paragraph thing I told you I warned you about this So now I just buzz past those So these are good To answer your question, these questions are good I was just looking for validation You guys are great, I'm having a great time

I feel like the influx of Pokemon Go questions Will start soon We're already getting those on all my other shows Are all three of you playing? I think so, I definitely am I'm not obsessively yet But it's a really good time killer when you're like Especially in LA, sometimes you gotta park

A half a mile away from the place You're actually trying to get to You might as well kill some people No, you catch them, you gotta catch them all It's not like you gotta murder them all You raise them, like your babies Oh really? Once you have them, you do things to them? Yeah, you don't do things to them

It's not weird Kill them or have sex with them I don't want to fuck a little Charizard Well, you can do that too, but you gotta pay extra for that Expansion So you're walking around, you're collecting the things Yeah, you're collecting them and then there's like gyms Oh yeah, what's a gym?

So basically a gym is like a really Usually it's someplace that's like super popular In the real world Yeah, exactly, and then you would go Somebody is like Basically, they have established That they own the gym and you have to Feed their Pokemon to take control of the gym

Oh, and you can only do that if you have All of the best Pokemon Yeah, so you gotta raise your Pokemon to make them stronger So you can compete in the gyms How do you make Pokemon stronger? Oh god, it's so dorky If you spent some money on the food packs Basically, every time you catch a Pokemon

You gain Stardust and Pokemon Candy Of that specific type And then you can feed them some Candy And I guess Sprinkle Stardust on them Candy makes you go stronger Listen, I know it's dumb This is like the fifth time in two days That I've had to explain it

And you get halfway through the first sense For like, listen, I know It sounds like it's how I felt Every time I've ever explained Like a fantasy novel I love a lot Or I'm like, so there are these elves Is it any dumber than like somebody When I hear people talking about Game of Thrones

Basketball Oh yeah, we're running We tried to shoot the hoop I love sports very much But if you've ever tried to explain sports to someone Who's not at all like football, is it great? I love football, but like when you try to explain Like why they did the play and what the action was

And you watch someone just go And just like shut off, you're like Okay, he threw it, he caught it, it was good And it's like, okay, great, thank you so much I got that That's how I feel explaining Pokemon Go to people It's like my wife has never been A video game player

She used to play WoW, and she's played like D&D and everything, but she just doesn't Play video games, but she loves Watching me play them Until I try to explain what I'm doing to her And she's like, I don't care, she watches Skyrim And she's like, oh yeah, those are I also prefer watching people

That don't play Especially those ones where it's really immersive She knows Skyrim as The game where I'm the lizard person with the wife In a house, and she's like How's your wife doing? She doesn't exist when I'm not There, and she's like, she probably misses you And I'm like, okay honey

So I'll make a trip to go visit my wife In my house, in Whitehaven So that's fun And you don't really get that in Pokemon Go There's nothing in Pokemon Go that makes It cool, like I get That, you can like the graphics The coolest thing is like pointing your camera

At a thing and seeing like a PG Sitting on your desk, like it's A good evolution of video games No questions One, can you win? You can be the very best, like no one Ever was But to catch them is your real task

And to train them is your cause This is a Steve Jobs It is, it is a fact to the cartoon To train them is your cause Yeah There are no better causes to fight for In the world right now, it's a thing, you're wrong No, it's dumb

That's the thing, it's dumb, just like Pokemon was dumb All of them have been dumb And anybody sitting there listening going, hold on No, it's dumb, and that's okay It's okay for things to be dumb And fun, and they are Like mobile gaming is supposed to be, it's just dumb So it's a thing you do to like

Kill time between and to like get out of the house And go do a thing, and anyone who sits there And is like, let me tell you how cool it is It's like, no, no, no, you are wrong It's not stupid I love it very much, and it's very dumb And so there's like all these like reporters Reporters are killing me right now because

Like legit media Like wants to talk about how stupid Pokemon is I'm just going, yeah Yeah, like, you're absolutely right I don't know, like, you ever play Pong, man? Pong is dumb, are you kidding me? Like that shit was dumb, but like it's fun Most games are kind of dumb, just enjoyable

It's dumb, it's fun It's not like breaking news like, oh this game is an intelligent Yeah, that's fine, man It's not a math test The second question is, this game out of left field for me If you're a gamer, did you know that this was coming for a while? Well, I highly anticipated it They've been talking about it for a long time

So long in fact that I think people kind of Like lost interest in it Because this is like years As far as I know that this has been in development And talked about, and then it was just like It's done now, here, and it was like Oh, cool, great They weren't like, it's coming Tuesday

Well, I think they're doing like a slow release of things Like it's still not available in Asia As far as I know, oh wow It might be by the time that this comes out But like a time recording, I don't believe it is I wonder if it'll help tourism Like if there was a Pokemon that's only in Spain Wouldn't a bunch of doofs want to go there?

I mean, they do do that specifically Where it's like, if you get, so for example Like water type, you only find Around water sources in real life And so, and it's like, if you want Specific type of Pokemon, you gotta go In fact, there have been people jokingly asking about Like on Twitter like, hey, they should put rare

Pokemon at polling places in November Oh wow Yeah, dog, they should, that's an excellent point I can already see the South Park episode About this, where they're like, it's a factory Of people working, but they're actually just playing Pokemon Go, so they don't have to pay them anything Yeah, it's, Lizzy, it's dorky, I get it

And you know what? It's trending towards like A dystopian thing, very much, and you know It's so easy to make fun of, like Because it's like Basically the parody's right itself Of somebody like walking to a pit while they're looking I get that, but it's just That's great, let me write that down

We live in a world, we live in a culture In a society right now, I can't speak for other Like countries, but like Where it's so easy to make fun of things that are fun But dumb, where it's like, yeah man Like, I know, like It's fun, it's like people who hate on like My little pony or that kind of thing like

Yeah, this doesn't affect your life whatsoever You're just being snarky and making fun of Something someone enjoys That's it, it's okay for people To like things without them Being like Rembrandts and like The Beatles, like it's okay Did they say that about like trains in the 50s?

Like, look at this miniature train What a waste of time It's all been that shit where it's like Monopoly, it'll never catch on It's like, it's fine man, that's cool Computer, this is dumb, who's ever heard of role playing games? And it's like, I did Yeah, there's just all this shit where it's just like

Yeah, and you know what? It's fine, me playing Pokemon Go Doesn't affect your life at all Unless you bump into someone because it's straight Well, on that they should punch me in the nose I bet data rates are gonna go up too Just like walking around It kills your battery, like it destroys your battery

That's why you have Nine Mophies I've got my Mophie plugged in right now so I can get it charged back So I can on my walk back to my car I'm pretty excited You have an external battery pack Two Mophies, a computer And you brought an iMac just to charge your other Mophies

And I also have my gas generator Sitting outside of the building So I'm all set Alright, do you want to be able to answer One last question before you get the heck out of here? Sure Oh, I'm not going anywhere Oh, I'm not leaving at all

I live here now, it's very nice Yeah, I mean you're in LA, so you might as well Use our studio whenever the heck you want Well, I have you on record saying that You all heard it, that's legally binding I always say that because I know you're moving out of Los Angeles That's fair I'm moving back to Cincinnati

With the baby on the way, like my family Is about two hours from Cincinnati And Teresa's family is about an hour Away from Cincinnati, and we were only ever planning To stay in LA for like two years To feel it out and be like, hey And I podcast full time So I can do it from anywhere

It's fucking, what a future You can't live anywhere you want Does your wife, is her job mobile too? She doesn't, like we both just do podcasts And you know, our job Is being on the internet It's super fun, I highly recommend it Everyone should do it

We could live anywhere we want You choose to live in this fucking hell hole That hasn't seen water in ten years Jesus It's becoming the planet Arrakis From the movie and book, dude See, not a drop of rain ever falls on Arrakis Let me tell you guys a little bit about dude

As long as you're talking about dorky shit So there's this guy, Paula Tray We really have to You told him you could live in the studio I didn't mean it I'll come back every episode and tell you a little bit about dude This door is locked, you can't get out Two sentences of dude in every episode

Alright, there's a question It's actually from a middle aged man Okay The other two could have been too I need to give you a name I named that specifically middle aged I have a racist middle aged man Going on a canoe trip

Yes, friend I secretly hate my Indian friend Let's go with Charizard Charizard I need a good last name No, Eli Charizard Charizard was the ultimate last name

He's Jewish, I like that Moved in with my girlfriend And our once glorious sex life Has dwindled into a luxury so rare That every blue moon it happens I feel like a 14th century Noble woman enjoying chocolate Which for all she knows

You know, a very relatable analogy We all got the not having sex one Yeah, like you didn't need this And then like let me explain to you What not having sex is like It's almost more so if he was like not giving himself chocolate Then we would need the reference

14th century noble woman enjoying chocolate Which for all she knows may or may not Be the last chocolate ever shipped in From the new world for another decade How could I stop from being a Classic sitcom middle aged man Condemned to a sexless marriage Because I'm so, so tired

Of sneaking out of bed when she falls asleep To masturbate to porn on my iPhone In the cold bathroom It's getting sad And there are big scary Spiders in there P.S. when sex happens it's great She comes or at least pretends to every time

I agree There's a very real answer to that Oh really? Yeah The fact of the matter is chances are If you step back and you take a look From the situation from the outside You are taking your girlfriend Or significant other for granted

Because you live together now and you see each other When you didn't used to live together It was probably like when you were going to go on a date You cleaned yourself up and you made plans To do things and you went out and you met Somewhere nice and you really like earned it And you were very romantic Now you live together

And you're sitting on the couch watching Netflix And you're like we'll probably have sex tonight Well you used to work for it And you both did I'm not saying you have to work to earn sex from anybody But you used to make an occasion out of it And it was a thing where you go on a date And you established an air of romance

Whereas now you're just assuming sex happens Because you're in a relationship And that's not sexy, there's nothing romantic about that at all Would you say he has to lower or raise his sex limitations? I think what you should focus on is Especially, I'm sorry to call you out But like if you're sneaking off to the bathroom to masturbate

It sounds like you're pretty focused on your own needs And your own wants And I would say that if you're significant other Their interest in sex is decreased It's probably because you're not making them feel sexy You're not making them feel wanted So that's much better Are you sure you don't want to host a legit advice giving podcast?

Yeah that was really good I couldn't even add anything to that I've done 314 episodes Every so often I learn a little bit About relationships I was going to say he should not even go to the bathroom anymore He should just fucking do it in bed Check it out

But I think at the end of the day You should focus on Making her happy And giving her whatever it is that you're not doing And you know what I'm not saying it's all your fault I think it might be both of you But the only person who has actions you can control are your own

And also tell her Like if you're sneaking off to the bathroom You would be amazed how much Your life will benefit just by saying Like hey I want you to know What I'm thinking and feeling right now And in this moment I feel like we've kind of lost a little bit of the spark And I don't want it to be like that

I want to find it again And we should do whatever we need to do that And it's important to me because sitting on it And knowing you feel that way And not telling your partner Is a really great way to ruin your relationship Because you know it and you know how you feel You're writing into an advice podcast

You shouldn't be talking to us about it You should be talking to her about it You have to drop the mic I'll just take it and walk around the room I feel like I should be Maybe you can lower it onto the couch Because that's a mic drop That's the right answer

Really when it comes down Because I will say that even though we do bad Joking advice on podcasts The number one answer to any Interpersonal question is always like Have you told them? Because if not That's step one all the time

You know you asked about millennials And it's like is this the thing The indirect communication where you just kind of want people to read your mind And know how you feel so you don't have to ask That's dangerous especially in relationships I think in relationships everybody is kind of invested In each other It's one thing to be like I'm going to tell my friend what I think

Because there's a bit of a risk to be like Well fuck off What somebody you live with is Way less likely to be like fuck off Especially if you use i-statements And you say like I feel this way I feel like I'm not doing enough I feel like you are making me

You have to be very careful Because if you say like I feel like you're not interested in sex anymore That's an i-statement You statement But if you say I feel like I'm not doing enough Romantically what can I do for you Do you want to go out on date this week Do you want to go away for a romantic weekend

Also at the same time There is a difference between Like when you first start dating And you're very excited just to see each other And then you live together I'm not saying you have to lose the passion But like it does happen Is it inevitable?

You can't keep up the same rate of sex But I also think His sounds like it's slowed to a rate That he's really not okay with I think that's what it comes down to It can slow to a rate where everyone's comfortable This like we do it once or twice a week And that's fine with everybody

But if it slows to a point where one person In their relationship is unhappy Like say it Have you said it Have you said it Or have you emailed it And sent it Otherwise you're just sitting there quietly like stewing about

And like I want her to spontaneously Want to have sex with me without me having to say something No no no I mean going on your point With somebody The sex in a relationship is Maybe that's not necessarily exciting anymore But there are a lot of exciting things that happen

When you move in with somebody So explore that And I think that is going to inject romance Into your life And then that might turn into sex Have we so often just focus on her Don't expect her to do anything to you And also try draping a towel

Over the corner of the tub And placing your phone on the toilet seat To each other And some like sticky traps to kill the spiders And you know what Maybe try beating each other off That works Have you tried fucking in a canoe

You gotta be careful you gotta go front to back Not side to side I recommend a kayak and won't tip over It's a lot harder to tip over Don't make promises That's what we get sued on this episode What happened to you guys We fucked a kayak over

Congrats I guess Good for you The water was called Travis Thank you for having me Let's remind our fans where they can find more of you And your online persona You can find me on Twitter at Travis McRoy

Or at M-B-M-B-A-M My brother, my brother and me You can just google my brother, my brother and me Or search for us on iTunes or go to maximumfun.org I also do a show that's not on maximumfun.org Called Enterobang Where me and my friend Tybee talk about

Like the things that are frustrating us in the world And you know we try to And I do a show with my wife called Schmaners Where we talk about etiquette in the modern world And how it still applies Between the three Macroys we do something like 13 or 14 Podcasts

Suddenly I feel lazy maybe Jake and I should start more podcast You should man it's great And so you can find all of those At macroyshows.com P-E-L-R-O-Y We also have some weird YouTube stuff on there and everything Do you have the record for most podcasts hosted right now?

I don't know, I can't imagine that it is I don't think so because for a long time My wife's rule was I could only have as many podcasts As Paul F. Tompkins has At his highest point I think I've surpassed that But I'm not sure, it's possible that I know Scott Ockerman's on a bunch

On a bunch but hosting this is true I don't know We'll have somebody look into that for you Anyway, if you have your own questions Your own theme song submissions Everything is to be sent to If I were you show at gmail.com The opening theme song

Was written by Nick This closing one is written by I couldn't find it, all I have written is Kana Lakny I think that's how he said he pronounces it Kana Lakny So thanks to Nick and thanks to Colin Ockley And thanks to you guys for listening

Coming on our show Once again, if all goes well Listen to Jake and me on My brother and me right now So check it out and listen to Other episodes too Peace It's funny that I can't say that

That I'll be nice But hopefully you'll be like The pension you won't give a fuck Because otherwise You might kill yourself Inside of a star box If I were you If I were you

At our show If I were you If I were you At our show Hey, yes again If you are still listening We should mention that there are still tickets Available to our show tomorrow

August 2nd Tuesday August 2nd At the O2 Shepherds Bush Theatre In London, England That's right, we do not come to London very often And I believe the last time we were here Was two years ago Well shit, if you haven't seen our show

Then you should come see it And if you have seen it, then you should come see it again It's going to be a wild party You guys ought to come, hope to see you there TOTA!