If I Were You - 228: Potato (live from Dublin w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: August 8, 2016

Comedian/Friend Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss childhood hobbies, Irish memories, and American references at the Vodafone Comedy Festival in Dublin, Ireland!This episode is brought to you by Casper and TrunkClub!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise and stand. Take it, Amir! Nothing can stop me, I'm up! Yeah, I'm in! What a jump in! Oh, bad dance. So white, so white. Oh, yeah.

All right. How's it going, everybody? Hi, my boy. Oh, my boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much, that's our time. No, I'm okay. Hey, everybody, how's it going?

For those of you who don't... Who doesn't know who we are? Who's here and they're like, why are we here? Why are we in a tent? Everybody knows? Okay, great. Thank God.

A lot of inside jokes here. Okay, so we're good to start. God, you know what people say to me a lot? I don't know if you agree. That you're a limp dick loser. A timid little Jew coward boy. Oh, a frail-wristed miser. I was going to...

I was going to be like, they compliment my glasses. No, they are really... That's one of my favorite things about you. All the other stuff. Have you heard the limp dick juke-cock thing before? Yeah, yeah, well, I started it, but I feel like everybody was kind of on board. They say when we come on stage

or when I talk to them in a foreign country, they say, you sound a lot more American in real life. Do you guys get that vibe right now? Do we sound American? Which is so odd because we're British on the podcast. For it to come out. How many paters in the crowd right now? Raise your hand, please.

Raise your hand to Peter or Thomas? Anybody? Just one pater? Peter? Peter? Peter? Who thinks that we're nailing an Irish accent? Who thinks?

One pater, one pater. Oh, yes, you are. Two paters. I taught your father, Peter. And your mother, Peter. Sorry, who is this? She went Peter, Peter. Peter, Peter.

So this is Peter's tater. Peter's tater. Peter's father was a tater. Peter's father was a potato. Peter's grandfather was a... A faded potato. A faded potato. Yeah, from Decatur.

He was from Decatur, Georgia. Decatur, yeah. They moved to... Later. They later moved. They later moved. From Decatur. From Decatur.

From Decatur. To North Decatur. To North Decatur. On a potato. They drove... They drove a potato. On a potato. That's amazing.

Peter, what a story you have. You should be up here. God. Wow. From start to finish. I love that story. Jake and I have been walking around Dublin just reading signs in our Irish accents. Yeah, and we haven't made any friends.

Yeah. Yeah. It made me think, are there any Irish people walking around America like trying to talk like cowboys or dead Indians or... Because we actually take offense to that. Yeah, that's actually... It's like, we can make fun of our moms, but you can't. So like, we can make fun of you.

And actually, you shouldn't make them fun of my mom. You made fun of my mother? No. What did you say about her? I didn't say anything about her. What the fuck? What could you possibly say about her? Your mother's a whore.

Okay. I'm sorry. But as long as we're attacking everybody... My mom's a saint. She's a gutter woman. I'm sorry. What else? Who hears from out of town?

Us, I guess. Your mother is a serpent tongue slut. She's a snake that hoarsers herself out. A falating snake. Oh, not everybody hears. He wasn't getting a blowjob from a snake. You could really get a deep throat. Yeah, of course.

Even a little garter. Oh, yeah. You could... Because it can unhinge its jaw. Uh-huh. And swallow you whole. That's the uncensored version of the Bible, actually. Yeah.

Adam skull fucked the serpent. And God was like, was this Eve's idea? Yes, God. I'm going to punish Eve. All right, dude. I thought it was fucked up, too. Because the snake is blowing you. But it was Eve's idea.

100% Eve. Honestly, kick us both out. Are you sure? All right. You're so noble, Adam. Adam's like... God is naive. And that's what this show's about.

Because, no. Lock the door. The door's naivety. Smoke. Oh, shit. There's another exit. All right. You guys could use that one.

Do you guys know that this is our first time ever in Dublin? Not just doing comedies. Our first time ever in Ireland. That's right. Is there anything that we should... Is there anything that we should know? Get out. Get out?

Oh, that guy was just a heckler. He wasn't listening to our questions. But he just hates our podcast. Yeah, he just hates us. He didn't like the skull fucking snake that... That's honestly fair. Yeah, somebody was like, what have you done in Ireland so far? Because we've been in here for like two, three days.

And we haven't really done much. We walked around. Our goal was to sort of blend in like we were locals. So we've been just depressed in our apartment for the last two days. Yeah, I've grown pale and I have a pretty bad diet. Yeah. I've been eating mainly carrots and potatoes, a pint of Killian's Irish Red,

and most of all... You guys even have Killian's Irish Red? Do you have Killian's... We stole your voice and sold a beer. Killian's Irish Red is a very popular Irish beer in America. Do you guys know Killian? He's doing very well in the States. Killian's making a Killian overseas.

Y'all should join him. You're the only Irish person who never said y'all. Oh no, I'm from Texas. What? Yes. Oh yes, Peter, I hate Mexicans down there. Yes, Peter. Can't get enough of hating Mexicans.

This is Trump country. Yeah, you guys like Donald Trump here? Good. A tent full of crew supporters. Finally. I can get behind y'all. It's so hard to find a Kasich fan in Dublin, but here we are.

So should we tell everybody about the podcast? Yeah, hold on one second. What's the matter? Oh, you want to have a little... a little mustering up the courage? Yeah, because it's stronger here. I don't know if you guys know, but whiskey is an American creation. Whoa.

Good man. Oh, he's going to throw up. Here it comes. And a potato. Thank you so much. A full potato. How many of you guys are familiar? This is an advice podcast.

It's a show. You download, you put it on your phone. The way it works is people from all around the globe, not just Ireland. It's mostly New York and Massachusetts. Yeah. We'll write us in. They're confused.

They're scared. They're seeking our wisdom, our guidance. Why do they find it in us? I don't know. I'm just a 33-year-old. What'd you call me? Timid, Limpdick, Zhukov? Yeah, yeah.

Frail miser. Yeah. And this is my friend over here, Jake. And... I'm strong. The show. We call him Strong Jake. It's a bad nickname.

But also Timid. It's a show we record in our... It used to be in our house. Now we have a little office studio situation, which is pretty fly. Yeah, it's actually really, really chill. But sometimes, sometimes we record intense. Sometimes we record intensely.

Sometimes we record with 200 of our closest friends, all crowded around the stage. So thank you guys so much for coming to the show. Thank you for being here. And... Shall we start answering questions? Yeah. We might as well.

I mean, we're only here for so long. This is it. Wow. Oh, yeah. Now I can see these people. That's a sturdy chair. Yeah. You guys do good.

Oh, yeah, look at this front row right here. Hey, all these handsome people. You're the dude that gave me the head. The... You blew me outside, right? Sir, you blew me away with your... Yeah, dude, stand up with your throne. Come on, everybody wants to know you...

Which dude blew me outside? And of course it's the guy that looks like me. You, uh... Because you have some fucking fetish. You gave me meat. Do you guys know what meat is? It's what you guys give to Americans to prank them, right? It's a bottle full of your own pee-pee.

But the silly Americans drink it up. Like a pipe of the killian's Irish red. Da, da, da. Is there an Irish fight song that you guys all know? We don't fight. We fight. Like a soccer song. Is there a Gaelic song that everybody knows?

A chant of sorts. A shanty-chanty. What did he say? Wait, what did he say? That's a fucking leprechaun, dude. What? What are you telling you about? He's got fucking gold, bro.

Where's your rainbow bitch? Where's your rainbow bitch, indeed? Do you guys know what he said, or is it... What is it? Oh, yeah. The leprechaun? Yeah. I don't know if he's calling us the hunter.

I'm a leprechaun? You are wearing giant green shoes. Wait, does everyone know what he actually said? Yes. Okay, so what is it? Run us through the Gaelic... Oh, okay. You got that?

God, you guys are passionate. Did you know what he said? Will you say it into this microphone? Wow, that guy's really strong. Jesus Christ! Get on the beach! Holy shit! Christ!

Oh, dude, it's buff! Oh! Dude, you're fucking... You're buffed out, man. I love it. It's the milk. Yeah, it's all the milk. Dude, you're on milk diet?

Dude, oh my God, I can see through him. He is translucent. All right, so will you say what that dude said? Onward catacombe, doggity, on leharus. And onward catacombe, doggity, on leharus. And what does it mean? Can I go to the bathroom, please? Really?

At least it's polite. All right, that's cool. Get out of here, you strong motherfucker. Good Lord Jesus Christ. Oh, you broke through the fucking superhero pose. God damn. Just three strong dudes on stage together. I know, it's rare to meet a fan that has a body like ours.

Yeah. Really cool. One that's buff and cool as I. Yeah. Is your dick all so thick, man? I do know it, you're right. I saw that guy doing dick curls. That's right, yeah, yeah, he was 20 kilograms.

Yo, very good. Thank you. 44 pounds American. All right, these are real emails from real people. Gonna give them fake, ideally Gaelic names to preserve their anonymity. The first one was written by a dude. Does anyone have a dude's name?

What are you here? I heard Crandis this. Watch. My penis is going to be talking later. Okay, I'm just going to find a little balance right here. I do your thing. Read the email. All right.

It was Crandis. Crandis. Right. Crandis, I've been dating this chick from Tinder for about five months now. Huh? Nice dude. Yes, dude.

Yes, dude. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. Huh, dude. After about three months, one day, she gave me the keys to her apartment for helping her out with a little chore. And in this process, I found a desk in her apartment

where she keeps her ex-boyfriend's pics. I'm talking about framed photographs, albums, photo booth strips, et cetera, et cetera. I also found two flash drives in that desk. Me being a 25-year-old insecure dweeb, I popped them in my laptop to see what's inside. Inside, I found her ex's dick pics, vacation pics, videos of her with other dudes kissing,

hugging, making memories. The worst thing you can make. This turns into a Kodak ad. Do you remember him? I know. If you're making memories, why take the photo? That's his anger. All right.

I know it was my fault to dig into her personal stuff. I had no right to at all. But after seeing all those, I don't feel special with her anymore. Don't, ah, this motherfucker. But the connection with her still feels deep and special. She gave me a chance. She loves me and cares for me. She showed me what it's like to be loved,

which never happened before. And every time I think of those good things about her, I can't help but rethink, well, she had all that with 10 other dudes before me, and it gets me depressed and feels like I could do much better. I talked about it several times with her, and she says she understands my pain. I said we should break up, but she cried and begged for me to stay

because she's never found anyone. Did someone just hand her crying? She never found anyone like me before. On one hand, I feel like I finally found someone who's really cool, fun-loving, and someone who has a deep connection with me. But on the other hand, her past is a blizzard of dicks. And she has a serious problem. What do you suggest I do?

Love Crandis. Let's go out for Crandis, everybody. Pour it out for Crandis. Crandis wants to feel special, and he's not special anymore because his lady has been with other boys in the past. I think Crandis is special. How so is he special?

I think he's one of the more insecure loser assholes that we've ever heard from on the show. Do you think that his lady friend gave him a key as a reward for a chore that he did? As a reward? I think it was to accomplish the chore. And then after he did the chore. Yeah, it was like, hey, will you go bring this milk, what up, strong dude, back to my apartment?

And he was like, oh yeah, I don't want it to curdle. And then he went in and he was like, I found a desk. A desk with memories, everywhere. Your memory desk. What is this? My main problem with this girl is that she's wasting frames. She's putting the framed photos in the desk. They should be removed from the frames,

and then you don't have to buy new frames. There's no reason for a framed photo to be in a desk. Does that not feel like a little bit? I think you're focusing on the wrong part. Well, so is Crandis. He's not thinking about the frames. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird that she has the dick pics in the flash drive.

Is that weird? Those are secret. Oh, you don't think it's weird? You keep X pics on flash dicks? I don't specifically have a flash disk, dick, disk, dick. Yeah, a dick and disk. But I have like, well, it's all in the cloud now these days. But there are like, you know, CDs or something.

Yeah, CD CDs. Potato! They started to applaud before you said potato. Still can't. Like, she just has a flash drive with lots of stuff. It's not like she specifically kept the dick pics. Yeah. By the way, if she did, that is also fine.

Are you a fan of throwing away? Like, when do you throw away all these? You date someone, let's say, like I've dated someone for three years. Congrats, man. That's actually really special. Cheers. Who's the lucky guy?

Oh! It's actually Peter. Is it really? I didn't mean to deride homosexuality. I'm super happy for you guys. Oh, sorry, I said who's the lucky guy in a sarcastic way. Yeah, no, I actually really support it. Who is the lucky guy, actually?

Who is the lucky, for me or for you? No, for me. Oh, for you? Yeah. Who is the lucky guy? You're the lucky guy. Really? I'll fuck him just to prove I'm not homophobic.

Oh, actually, yeah, yeah, I will. I'll blow the dude if it meant I didn't hate gay people. Shit. I do this for the rights. Treat me like a snake. I'm a fucking serpent, dude. A slimy little bottom feeder. Yeah, and then after dating somebody for so long,

I have pictures of them and us together, and it feels so weird just being like, well, time to dump this photo album. It feels almost like it takes more effort for me to take a flight to New York and a train to Connecticut to go through an old box so I can dump out my ex-girlfriend's pictures. That's like thinking about her way more than I should. This is you explaining to your girlfriend who found the box.

Well, I also saw the flashbacks with lotion and Kleenex. It takes more effort not to jerk off to old videos of us fucking. No, there are a couple of things in there that made me feel like he is... Can I actually see this email? You can sexually see it. I mean, who talks like that? Pater. He wants to be special, which is sort of a funny thing.

All right, so here we go. One second. Okay. We have all the time in the world. First of all, he's mad at her for making memories, which is kind of like a default human thing. Did you fucking remember, dude? Wait a second.

You remember your ex? I can't remember him. The picture is fucking face? You little hoe. You know his name, don't you? Here's my other problem. He says that he could... He's thinking now that he could do much better.

And he also explicitly stated up top that this is the first girl that ever made him feel love. He's a little virgin boy and he refuses to find anyone who's been with somebody else before. Just to refute a couple of things. You couldn't find anybody else because you are a special kind of asshole. If she is having a problem breaking up with you, like if you tried and she started crying, then let's just show her this email. Because then she'll definitely break up with you.

And I think the world would be a better place. The end. Cheers, everybody. We have a question from a lady. Oh my God. I love imagining that guy's wearing a suicide vest that just didn't go off. That was the last thing you wanted everyone to hear. I fucking go out like that, man.

Guy at home later just eating cereal. I was four hours off. Eating a croissant? A suicide vest. That's funny. It's actually not. Sorry. Croissant?

He was actually just ordering food. Does anybody have females? No, we'll use croissant. Croissant. That was a really good accent, too. Are you from French? Could have fooled me, brah. It's roughly 38 degrees Celsius in here, right?

We can agree on that. Is anyone else hot as fuck? Great. It is the heat of 200 people breathing a lot for an hour. We're inside of a mouth right now. But hey, I'll be in a sauna with all y'all. All my best friends from Ireland. What up?

If y'all want to get naked, just say the word. Because J-with be dying to appear. I'll start with my pants so it's not illegals or nothing. Or it's extra illegal. Suicide vest, that was funny. Thanks, man. Croissant! Croissant!

Croissant! Croissant! Croissant! Croissant! Croissant! Croissant! Croissant! Croissant!

It's just really hot on his body. Croissant! He's a pterodactyl. Croissant! Croissant! Croissant writes, there's this little girl in my class that I sit beside. It's from a female.

It's way less creepy than a female. On the surface she seems like a nice gal. Everyone likes her, she's very polite and kind. However, I sit beside her every day and I know she's an awful person. She scowls at any jokes about Christianity. When people play rap music with swearing in it, or a movie with drugs, nudity, or violence, she starts saying that the music or film is bad,

even though it's widely regarded as a masterpiece. She supports Donald Trump and has no problems with Ted Cruz. America first! And has no problems with Ted Cruz. She refused to watch a film because there was a transsexual in it, and told me that she didn't want Disney to make a film that deals with homosexuality. The problem is, I'm the only one that knows any of this, because I sit beside her.

How can I out her true colors to the rest of the class? Love croissant. It's good enough for croissant. I did not see it going there. Yeah, she wants to know how to expose, how to write an expose that deals with this lady that, once again, she sits besides. Well, is it morally correct to expose a bigot for being a bigot?

Oh, whoever the fuck opened that door, leave it that way. Oh my God, that breeze is beautiful. Actually, we can take these mics off. Can you guys feel that? Close the door! Comedy should be in a sweaty hot box. We should want to laugh our way out. Ugh!

Is he eating a baked potato? Why the... She wants to smoke. It was right to ask why. Liar. Why does she want to expose this lady that she sits behind? Side. Because she wants everyone to know that this lady is a bigot.

Oh, it's her job to whistle-blow. Yeah. To sit, silence is no longer an acceptable course of action. It's kind of like the hashtag Black Lives Matter movement. In what way? Every day that... Sorry, it's just... Every day that I don't tweet that is another day that I support the opposition.

That you're complicit. Well, to be fair, you haven't tweeted blue lives or all lives matter. I have a lot. Yeah, that's true. My account was hacked. By this girl. That croissant sits besides... Well, do you think that this girl...

Do you think she deserves to be exposed as a Trump supporter? That's a good question. I guess if you're a bad person, it's not... Let's be clear, you guys. Politics aside, anyone who supports Trump is a bad person. Yeah. Inherently. Or just dumb.

Yeah. Sometimes you're nice and dumb. But you could be dumb and bad. Yeah, sometimes you could be bad and dumb. Sometimes you could be dad and bum. My dad is a bum. What? My dad is a bum.

My father is a hobo. He's a what? He's a hobo. A hobo sexual. He's a bindle. Yeah, he has a bindle and rosy cheeks. Yeah. He has rosacea.

Echinacea. He lives in the street. Anyway. So how do you out someone as being bad? First of all, what class has so many movies about transsexuals, songs that are... What songs are going on? That's the world in the modern day. And the LGBTQ society that we live in.

So let's say I'm the girl that croissant you sits beside. So secretly we're watching, let's say, a film about a transgender woman. What's your name? If I'm croissant. Oh, I'm scone. Okay. Or as you guys call it, scone. Wow.

Never ever been angrier. Oh, shit. You guys didn't react when we said black lives matter. But everyone is like, for scone lives matter. For 20 minutes I yelled potato and tater and it was fine. So you guys say scone. Yes. And Britain says scone?

Yes. Those? And that's the only difference. Do you think no one says scone? No one says scone. No one says scone? No. A lot more people cheer when I say Britain says scone.

Only London. I am the queen. A letter from the queen. London sends its regards. Fuck me. Someone has to make better one of these. Fuck. Alright, so I'm scone.

You're croissant. Dude. We're watching a movie about a transsexual woman. What movie is about a transsexual woman? Let's say, a head wig in the angry inch. I assume I haven't seen it. Sounds about right. I love this movie.

Disgusting. I could watch this all day. I hope Disney never makes a film regarding or about the topic of what I consider evil, aka, homosexuality. I'm going to say something. Don't. Very well. Please don't.

I won't. I'm trying to enjoy it. I could fight it in you. I know. Just let's enjoy the movie. Absolutely. We have a difference of opinion. Make America great again, brother.

I don't. I think it's pretty good as it were. Not a mistake. I also support Cruz. How could you support both of them? Whatever. Good arrivals. Who cares?

You should. If you support one candidate, you should support the other. I'm going to miss the part where head wig is dick chopped off, which I think happens. I'm not secretly gay. Sorry? I'm not gay. Oh, does your hate come from a place of... No!

Fear and insecurity? Cresson! Is that what she's afraid of? I don't know if we gave her any advice, but let's give it up for Cresson. It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy.

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That was fun. Yeah, thank you guys. We shot NatureBox out of a cannon into everyone's mouth. It was amazing. They all choked on the peanut butter nom nom. There are so many funny comedians at this festival. We thought why not bring a friend of ours out? Yes.

And I'm hearing I heard I heard you guys say Ben a couple of times and that's yes. I love that you want him and he's a great friend of ours, but unfortunately he's very, very busy. And you guys, when you chant for Ben's name, you make the other comedians who might come on the stage feel a little insecure. And this guy, I think you really are going to like him. Don't boo because he's one of your own countrymen. Do you understand? It's your countrymen. Do you guys get that?

He was born in the small town of Kilkenny. He cut his teeth doing stand-up comedy right here in Dublin. You guys, this dude flew all the way in from the cliff of fucking Moor. Please welcome your native son, Ben Torch. Yeah. Yes, dude. How is everybody tonight? Yay!

Really good cover, Jake. Thanks, man. Kilkenny reference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You told me the name of the town. This is very exciting. Look how many people are here. By round of applause, how many people are from Dublin?

Yes! All right. That's not bad. And how bad is that copper place they went to yesterday? On a scale? Absolutely unfair. I went there on Thursday. And you said it was the best bar you've ever been to.

Honestly, it was. Oh, I could do my mic stand work. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you got? Oh, it's just I changed the mic stand on the whole show for it. So it's like a little treat for us, but nobody else gets to do it. I love it.

It's like the podcast audience doesn't get to understand how much. Right. Well, so what Ben's doing right now is fucking with him back home. He's sort of churning the mic stand a little bit. Okay. It's going up and down. And now he's sort of fumbling around with a clip. See, it kills.

It crushes. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is how it really works. Okay. All right. So this is, yeah. Amir, give him a little bit of space.

You got to intro me. Oh, you need space? And I'm going to be a comic that doesn't know that his microphone is way too big for the stand. Oh, that's good. Okay. Intro me one more time. All right.

Do we do the song again or just? No, no, no. Just intro me out. Okay. All right. Ladies. Guys, just fucking intro me. I was Christ.

Okay. He was just getting started. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Ben Schwartz. How is everybody? Everybody good? Good. Um, the microphone fit into the clip.

Oh, wait a minute. Oh. Do you want to do it again? Dude, no joke. No joke. That sketch was directed by M. Night Shyamalan. What? That was the twist.

That was the motherfucking twist. The twist was at the bit fit. Yeah. And I've been dead the whole time. I've been bred. I've been bred the whole time. I'm actually not offended. He got a bigger applause than us.

I really don't care. I did not. You guys got a great applause. It was fine. It was nice. We've been brought it up. Everyone knows that you're thinking about it. Yeah.

Honestly, when you guys got the applause, I was like, oh, that's cute. Can't we tag it out there? That's cute. That's cute. I saw you whisper over to the stage manager seven out of ten. Yeah. And then you saw him whisper about it. I went, yeah.

The second before your announcement, I go, watch this. You tried to kiss her, but you backed off a little bit. I did try to kiss her. And she said, we don't do that here. I go, we don't do it in America either. I just went for it. I just, a big fucking swing. Yeah.

A big swing, a big, a hurly swing. Yeah. Guys, listen, I'm good. This is real. This is in a bit. I lived in Kilkenny for three months when I was in a university and I studied sport there. So I like study Gaelic football and hurly. This is a real thing.

And all that stuff. So I love this country very, very much. And me and Amir think it's all right. Yeah. It's decent. And man, if I could tell you the shit that Jake and Amir were saying backstage and I said, I'm going to defend this country. It was mostly about Northern Ireland.

Yeah. Really? Fuck Belfast. Fuck Scotland. I know it's not part of Northern Ireland, but it's a different country. This is insane. Fuck Iceland. Anyone that's different from us, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Different sucks. Different sucks. No, no, no. Different sucks. Different sucks. No. Different sucks.

Guys, we are the one. You are welcome to say Donald Trump, ladies and gentlemen. Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Trump. No, no, no, no. If different didn't suck, then why would you be you? What?

You're the best because that's who you are. You're literally saying lines from Lonely and Horny. Thanks for watching, man. Who was the first person to buy Lonely and Horny? Ben Schwartz is awful. No joke. I was the very first person. Number one purchase.

All right, Ben, do you want it? Who was the first person to give it a bad Yelp review? Also you, brother. Yeah, baby. And who was the first person to submit it as a restaurant? You're best at believing in ghost stories. You're in one. Guys, I say, I say, we fuck you.

Wow. It was the Pirates of the Caribbean reference. What, do you hate Pirates of the Caribbean? Sure, the second and third ones were a little not great, but the first one. Wow, shit. Orlando Bloom's a hero, brother. Yes, indeed he is. Do you want to get to a question?

Yeah. You get that's not how shows work, right? The host is usually not also the bartender. Is this somebody? Do you know this person? I don't. We gave him a little drink earlier and you know what they say, give a mouse an inch and he'll take a barred.

I'm almost certain that's not how it goes. All right, so in this podcast you guys ask questions. That's right. Yeah. Before you ask questions, can I ask you a question? Absolutely. What is your favorite part about Ireland so far since you've been here? Oh, you know what?

So far it's really been the people, specifically Lee, who had to pee. You're actually one of the worst people I've ever met. Honestly. You're learning. You're learning. I hate myself and I hate you. It should feel, puts you in a company of two, brother. Your Irish accent is so strong right now.

Oh really? The drunker I get, the better. Oh, the better it gets, my friend. The better it gets better. Could you imagine going to someone here who has a very thick, let's say cork accent, really thick accent and then comes to America and pretends to do an American accent and how much you would hate that? Oh, I would hate it a ton.

Oh man. Oh man. Oh, Peter, I would hate her and wager a potato. He's back, baby. Yes, dude. Back to the Pirates of the Caribbean shit. Man, how good is Pirates of the Caribbean? Where has the rum gone?

Where has the rum gone? All right, let's hit a question. Let's hit a question. Thank you guys for having me. Happy to be here. Is your phone ringing? Do you want me to grab it? Don't be sorry.

Throw your phone away. I don't want to hear right now, but who by hands up thinks they have the weirdest ringtone? All right. Who's always mostly on vibrate? Jake likes to say things to include everybody. I say the thing that makes no sense of Jake is like, yeah, but like who here breathes air and blows out carbon dioxide? A tree sad tree walks away.

You take advantage of me. Groot goes, I am Groot. I believe it's a weird reference, guys. Let's hit a commercial break. Me, Undy, is the most comfortable underwear. They're made of Modal. This person needs a name, and I know usually people, they usually shout names Mickey, but we do have somebody on stage who's very good at coming up with names.

Actually, if I can guide you in any way, this person has a very normal name. Oh, a really normal name? Super normal. You want to know that guy's name? I mean, that guy probably has a very normal name. Well, I guess let's hear the name. Is the guy I've never met before? This guy's name is...

Anything quickly, though. Yeah, no, no, I'm very good at making a name. I know you're good, especially if it's normal. I have his name in my head right now. It's a very normal name. You have it in your head, but you haven't said it. First name goes a little something like... Like it rhymes with this, or it actually is this?

No, here it comes. You should just be able to say the name if it's a normal name. Sure, okay, so this guy's name is... Sturlp... S-T-U-R-L-P, Sturlp. Sturlp, yeah. Last name, Unapkin. Oh!

Sorry. Still got it, baby! They may take away your web series, but they'll never take away my skills to think of terrible names. Did you say his last name was A. Unapkin? Unapkin. Alright. Like Steven A. Smith.

Yes, dude. American reference. Quite frankly, dude. American reference! Stay away from me! American reference! Friends, praise your tears! I can't be drinking this out of the bottle, that's bad.

No, you really should keep on doing it, I love it so much, buddy. I'm already feeling warm. I know, that's a good feeling, man. Do you guys drink Jameson or it's like because it's here? We know you drink Jameson. You actually steal Jameson. You are Jameson! This is Jameson.

He was a bottle of a man. By the way... You're putting more light on him, which encourages him to talk more. Me? The audience is turning on you. I just want to say friends, praise your tears, was so fast. I was so impressed by that. People glossed over it.

Wait, what happened? I made three American references very quickly. In the sales, stay away from me, he said friends, praise your tears. Oh wow. And it was really quick. Good on you, man. Thanks, dude. I had to borrow Jake's flannel, everybody.

Alright, let's get to the question. If you guys read the show a couple days ago... I was wearing that shirt. I'm a high school senior guy with an outrageous bush in my butt hole. Sorry, let me read the question. Let me read the question now. I should start the question. Read the question.

Oh wow, the question starts in the same way that I described myself. Oh, you have the same problem. I'm a high school senior guy with an outrageous bush in my butt hole. Sometimes the hair pokes out when I'm standing normally. I hate doing this show. Because what are you doing? Wait, what are you talking about? It's about to get worse.

We're helping people. Anyway, I want to get rid of it, but I don't know which method to use. If I shave it, it'll be prickly as a bat and annoy the shite out of me. If I use that near shite, it might burn my balls and hurt my ass. What's funny? That's objectively... I don't care who you are. A burning ass?

We all have butt holes. I was thinking of layering it, but it sounds sketchy and expensive. What does layering mean? I don't know, I think it's a typo. Have you seen Friends? Rachel! My famous hair has the Rachel. Hi, can I have the Rachel?

Rachel, oh, oh, not my head hair. Oh, no, no, no. Down here, watch this. Not my bald hair. As you can see, I'm in quite the quandary. What should I do to get rid of my butt hole hair? Thank you. Love.

Sturdle. Sturdle bun napkin. Sturdle bun napkin. Let's give it up for Sturdle Bun Napkin. What do you think, Jackie? How would you get rid of a hairy butt hole? Do you have a hairy butt hole? Would you even know if you had a hairy butt hole?

Do not put me on blast, okay? I do not have a hairy butt hole. I have a normally... Prove it. Prove it. These guys don't want to see my anus. Yeah, we do. Let's see that brown eye.

I see my anus. Started off with a kiss. I didn't end up like ass. It was only your ass. Completely hairless. Wow. Are you really leaving? I'm losing it.

From that... Highlight of the show. You lost two women. I don't know why you were just dancing. Oh, they're high-fiving at the end. They're so happy to leave. That was who our tents were. They will see my ass hole later.

What is your answer for that? How would you get rid of asshole? I have some hair around the ass. I don't know. How would you know if that's normal? I never look at other people's ass. When you wipe your ass, sometimes do you pull hair out?

I'm going to let Jake take this one. Do you feel hair when you're wiping your ass? Is it that close? How deep do you wipe your asshole? I go all the way up to my throat. You just use your hands. I use a twig. And you feel hair through it?

I hear hair through the twig. That is a very quick question. I wet my hair back and forth. I wet my hair back and forth. I wet my... That's what's up. You've got to own it so you just get assless chaps.

I would fucking braid it. Who's that fucking avatar from Avatar, dude? Dude, four sequels. Four sequels for Avatar they're making. Excuse me? They're making three more right now. Whoa, no more insider secrets. I know you're buddies with James,

but you can't leak that shit before it gets on deadline. So I'll braid it down like a little ponytail. I would dread it. I would dread that answer. I would dread to answer. I mean, because you wear a dreadlock, you know, oh, you don't really wash it very often.

Of course. So that's kind of... Oh, did you really? Oh. What's gross about an unwashed butt? You guys are so square here in Ireland. By round of applause, how many of you guys use the bidets here?

There's bidets here? Exactly. All right. I'm in London right now. When I'm in London, I like look at the bidet and have no fucking idea what to do. That was your sink.

That was a sink. Oh. Oh, I took a shit in my sink. By the way, that was a water fountain. That was a water... And it was right out there. You were in a public mall. Yeah, there was a series of geese

that were looking at me like... A series of geese. How many is in a series? Probably seven. Seven geese in a series? Yeah. What is a lot of geese called? A flock of geese?

Gaggle. Gaggle of geese. This is good. Okay, good. What are a lot of lions called? Pride. Pride. Okay, this is...

I can answer. What are a lot... Gaggle. What are a lot of ducks called? Oh, of course. A duck. Oh, yeah. A duck.

A duck-a-ducks, maybe. A duck-a-ducks, maybe. So, you know what? You think that Irish people speak like pirates. Is there a difference? Yes. A huge difference. Prove me wrong, mate.

Imagine if you will a rainforest. You're walking by. You're a machete. You're a machete. Everybody close their eyes. Yeah. Okay. Oh, I'm thirsty.

It's humid in here. Okay. Suddenly you pull apart a thicket. You peer in and see, oh, my gosh, a lagoon, a clear water lagoon, a desert oasis in the middle of the forest. Okay. That's what my ass feels like. Pan out so much, you reveal that thicket was my ass hair, but the butt itself is very

clean. Clear water as clear as night. That's what it feels like. I feel like I have hair around the anus, but once you get to the different skin, the little brown wrinkly eye, that's as clean as can be. Oh, my God. We are learning so much about Amir's asshole. Do you think this guy has a hairy eye?

I feel compelled to say keep recording. I know your hand is hovering over whatever button there is to shut him off, but just keep it going. He's about to strike gold. Do you think this guy with a hairy butt hole means he has hair on his sphincter or just the same hair that I have around the butt hole? You mean he think he has hair inside his anus? I think that's what he means.

I think there's a very decent chance that he just has a hairy ass. Yeah, I can't imagine he's somehow looked inside his own asshole. Okay, so for the second question, I thought about butt holes instead of the actual things. Do you know what happens when you look inside your own asshole? No. You see your goddamn future. Oh, really? Yeah.

Is it always bleak and black? It's always bleached. It's always bleached. Oh, I wish that was the end of the show. All right, real quick, how would you get rid of ass hair if you happen to have a lot of ass hair? Fire it? Fire?

So that's the worst idea. We'll work backwards from... We'll go from worst to best. Lighting your anus on fire, we'll say, is a zero out of ten. I would do just a buzzer. Just around the... Don't get too close to Paul. No, that's correct.

That's correct. He has the right answer. That's right. Yeah. Fuck you for saying no. Would you give it a two? A two faded up to a four? So it looks like an Irish football fan?

You get something like etched into the side? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. That is amazing. An artificial part. Yeah. Oh, like the two lines. I think that's the correct answer.

Or if you want to get real crazy with it, you can get like a Mach three and just cross your fingers, right? Oh, that's a... Not while you're doing it though. I always said that when you shave your asshole and you fart, it's like firing a gun without a silence. I just made that up. Did that work?

Because I'll tweet it. I like to say things for the first time after I've said I always say. I would call a place that does Brazilian bikini waxes and sort of... I'll giggle and be like, do you guys do guys' asses? Do it. Do it. All right. Beautiful woman that works at a Brazilian place.

Awesome. Okay. So first come in and remember, I'm fucking... I'm not... I'm so... Am I on the phone or I walk in? How you would ever walk into a Brazilian place? All right.

Go. I'm just hanging out. I'm texting someone. Okay. So am I calling in or am I... You're walking in. Of course. Can I do a sound of the door?

Yeah, of course. Okay, cool. Let's do like bells that are on top of the door. I know. Re-beat-ting. Okay. So that was... I was thinking of a little jingly bell.

I know. So we're just doing a little bit of a creaky door. All right. So ready? Creaky door, jingly bell. Do you want to do a creaky or no creaky? Creaky door. And the store is closed.

Oh! You want to wait till the next day? Yeah, let's wait till the next day. Nine a.m. the next day. I've unlocked the door. Night time? But now a fucking ugly dude is there. No!

No, same beautiful woman. Oh, yes. Thank you. Same beautiful woman. I'm doing a creak-beat-ting. No, it's still a jingly. Jingly, jingly. Oh, that's good.

Hey. Oh, sorry. What's your name? How can I help you? You have an awesome American voice. Oh, thank you. So you waxed pussies? We don't like to call it that.

Oh, thank you. We manicure people. We manicure people's bodies so they feel more confident in themselves. That's awesome. Yeah. So what I have is a thicket of hair, a pubic hair, coarse curly pubes inside and around my anus. That's my butthole, my brown eye, where I shit out of.

Now I was wondering, what would the policy slash monetary compensation be if you were to wax that thicket, mow it down like a Brazilian, no offense, rainforest, and make me shiny and pure as Michelangelo's David in the back? I am so sorry. I had my eye bonus. I was listening to music. What did you say? I was saying, is this a...

Hey, how are you? Is this a pizza restaurant? No, this isn't a pizza restaurant. This is a Brazilian restaurant. I'm here for a half pepperoni, half cheese, garlic, bread, and a Greek salad. Never mind. All right, let's get out of here. Let's get out of here.

My God. Too bad that guy didn't ask me to shave his ass, so I would have fucked him. Oh, no. Let's answer another question. American reference. Don't let you be. Can you do it again? I can do many, of course.

Wow. I'm from the country. American reference. Guys, come on. Let's ask a question. One more question? No, two more? Whatever.

Let's do another question. When are they going to kick us out of this tent? You guys having fun? Yeah. Who's not having fun? Me. I'm Sherry Fitzgerald. You raised both of your hands.

All right. All right. Giggity, giggity. That's Quagmire. He's from Ireland. American reference. All right. Another guy's name?

Another guy's name. Is it a totally normal name? Totally normal. Here we come, baby. Here we come, baby. Here we come, baby. GERFREE, J-E-R-R-F-P-H-R-I-E? GERFREE.

Everything is different. GERFREE. Everything is the worst one about that. GERFREE pinball, P-I-N-B-U-L-L. Pinball. Fair enough. Writes. Hi, guys, longtime fan.

I feel like I could use some help trying to convince my GF my GF of five years to do something a little on the weird side. His gluten-free American reference. No, that's here. We went to a restaurant with a lot of GFs. This is so weird. This question is also about a butt. Is it really?

Yeah. What are you doing? You know, if it, there might, whatever. I'm at a Game Boy like some type of butt thing. What does Game Boy mean? Well, the Game Boy is, he was at the apartment and he was searching for silly words, I suppose. Wait, what?

What is Game Boy? He's a character that sometimes stops by. Oh, here. I would be embarrassed to do it in front of Ben. Oh, who wants to see Game Boy? Oh, and Jake is, Jake is no joke blushing. He's really nervous. Ben's a very successful funny friend of mine.

But wait, I've never, I've never even heard of Game Boy. Yeah, I know. Not a lot of people I have. All right, let me hear him. Let me hear him. Can I be in a scene with him or no? Oh, I don't know. Oh, you're really nervous.

I'm quite timid. I'm quite timid about it. Sure. Yeah, let's do a little Game Boy, I suppose. There's not really anything that he does. You're like a shy kid who practices all day long on their parents like play. I'm like, no, whatever.

Oh, come on, Jake, tell your jokes. No, it's fucking gay, dude. Like, whatever. So dumb, dude. Like, you won't even like it. I hate it. Do Game Boy. I'll tell my favorite joke of all time if you do Game Boy.

Really? Okay. Oh, so in comparison, he'll be really funny. Hey, if you do your shitty, weird character, I'll be great. Hey, Jake, do your dumb fucking worst stupid thing. And I'll do, after years of listening to comedy, I'll do the best joke I've ever heard. I drew Friends Fraser Cheers again.

I do want to hear it. Okay, well, I'll do Game Boy and I'll ask you to hear the joke. Is that fine? No, no, I want to hear Game Boy. Okay. All right, fine. Yeah. Oh, the Game Boy.

The Game Boy wears his hat and the weirdo. Wait, wait, wait. Let the girls get back to their seats. They're going to want to see this. Hey, ladies. My Mercedes. All right, here we go. Game Boy, here we go.

Oh, he's here. Yeah. All right, Jake, you know what I mean? Have you ever felt this shame? There is no cut. Hey, everybody take out your phones and Snapchat this. I want everybody in this room to take out your phones and Snapchat

the next 10 seconds of the show. Everybody, whether you have Snapchat, yes, I want to see every phone. You can Instagram it too if you want. Oh, absolutely. Whether you have a video, a feature, a Snapchat. Hashtag Game Boy and hashtag best time of my life. I'm only seeing half the phones.

We'll take the time. Yes, more phones. All the phones. More phones. That's good. Absolutely. All right, let's see. Let's see.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you. All right, all right, don't start yet. We'll do a three, two, one and then we'll press play. Okay. Okay, ready? Can you shut off your flash real quick? No, no, leave it on. All right, ready?

Three, two, one, record. Oh. Oh, hello. I am the Game Boy. I've come here on stage and I'm ready to play my games. Yeah, let's go for the Game Boy. That was not easy. I'm really proud of you for doing that.

I blacked out. Beth loves it. What is he doing? I don't know anything more about him than I knew two seconds ago. Oh, you don't know that he's always coming? Yeah, that's his voice. He's always on the precipice of an orgasm.

I am a Game Boy. The world's exciting to the Game Boy. What's your best joke of all time? I didn't write it. It's not my joke. I can't take credit for it. I think it's a joke that's been around for a very long time.

But I think this audience is perfect for it. All right, ready? Two whales go into a bar. The first whale says, The other whale says, Charlie, you're fucking hammered. I don't know. I can't give credit. I think it's a joke that's been around a long time.

I actually know the long version of that. I want to do it. I won't do it. American Netflix. That's good. All right. I already forgot the guy sitting in the toast crunch face. So how the fuck you come up with this shitty ass names?

It's the one about assholes. What? Isn't it about assholes? Yeah, I was just saying the name. Oh, oh, I don't remember. Does anybody remember the name of us? Jerfrey? Oh, yes.

Thank you so much. Wait, we haven't read the question yet. Jerfrey. Pinball. Good memory. Jerfrey Pinball. Oh, I'm so... You're loving how he came up with it.

I mean, it's funnier to have someone else say it back to you. Is that how funny I am? That's pretty good. I know why I have fans. Imagine anybody saying Pimball to you. That's nothing to do with me making a... All right, Jerfrey. When I upload the podcast, I'm going to cut from you saying the name to you cracking up saying...

Imagine somebody saying that to you. It could happen to you. All right, Jerfrey writes, Hi guys, long time fans. And I feel like I could use some help trying to convince my GF of five years to do something a little on the weird side. Oh, God. I've developed a weird obsession with her butt.

Huh? This episode is called Butt. What is that? What's that? You don't know about the pinch? Sorry. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry.

I have a snapchat for this reason. But I guess I don't know what I mean. I'll save it for a bit. All I could think about is her sweet, perfect plump ass all day long. I literally have dreams where I'm rubbing things like oil and honey on it. The other day, I actually had a dream where I rubbed her famous cupcakes all over her ass and licked them off. Anyways, I want her to sit on my face and I just smother me with her ass until I tap out. I want a front row seat of that chocolate starfish.

The one time I- What is this show? It's just porno now. It's like fan fiction for your real show. And real fiction for my fan show. Look at this fucking whiskey. I love this, dude. Yes, dude.

I have a sponsorship with Jamison. I have to take like a little bit every time. Finish half the bottle, mate. The entire bottle then would die. That's literally asking me to kill myself. Will you fill this up though? Will you fill this up for Jakey? Oh, we're out.

I'm so sorry we don't have anymore. Really? You downed it. The one time I suggested it, she kind of laughed it off as if I was joking. So how do I approach the situation? I don't want her to think I'm weird and I know she's squeaky clean back there because I've snuck a few whiffs while we've been doing the deed. Please advise.

Thank you. Love. Jerfrey Pimble. Jerfrey Pimble. You want some ice, buddy? My hands are very cold. You guys get ice? I couldn't fit a Cuban bottle.

I missed the middle of it because I was laughing. He wants to eat and smear shit on her ass. And it's his girlfriend of five years. No, sorry. Cupcakes. Cupcakes, oil and honey. Not shit. Cupcakes, oil and honey.

Not her asshole, her ass. Well, he does want to put, he wants her asshole on his face. You want her to sit on his, her butt on his face. I put your ass on my face. I put your ass on my face. I put your ass. What a sweet thing because they've been dating for five years. This isn't some pervy guy who wants to do it to a barista.

Oh, it's gorgeous. It's a beautiful thing. I don't think, I mean, what, I got it. Celebrate yourself. I don't understand the fetish of putting cupcakes on it. And also, why are her cupcakes famous? Who is this? This is Mrs. Fields.

This is Mrs. Fields. American reference. What is the, is there a famous cookie that has a woman's name on it here or no? Mrs. Fields is as good as we're going to get. What is it? All right. And also, what's your favorite type of biscuit? Because I've heard a lot of weird ones.

What's your favorite biscuit if I'm going to get like biscuits here? Rich tea. Rich tea is my biscuits. Have a biscuit. It was a big biscuit who yelled that at me. She was dunking herself in tea. Okay, I'll try it. I'll try it.

I'll try it. All right, okay, okay. So this guy wants to smear oil, honey, and cupcakes, make some sort of weird concoction on his girlfriend's big, beautiful chocolate ass. He wants her to sit on his face. They've been dating for five years. Is it embarrassing to ask her of that? I don't think you could probably do it after five years.

I'm sure you've, you've done everything that you like. You have a close enough relationship where you could probably say things like that. Cupcakes is weird. I've had a close enough relationship after 20 or 30 minutes where I've said stuff like that. What's the weirdest thing you've said to someone the first time hooking up with them? Truly, I'm messing with you as a friend. I don't say it. Pretend 300 people.

I'm very, I'm very silent. I am a shy little boy. You're a little serpent assassin. I just do things that are really, really foul. Well, I think they're hot and I, and I'll stand by that opinion actually. I think that this person can ask, but I wouldn't go as crazy as cupcakes right off the bat. Yeah, start with something. Start off with oil or something.

I don't think cupcakes is the be all end all. I think cupcakes is what he thinks about, but he's really just thinking about her ass. What he wants is just great. That's beautiful. His tongue inside of her ass. Oh, I didn't know we're going there that quick. No, he wants her to sit on his face till he can, till he almost asphyxiates and taps out. Is that like a wrestler?

Even then, like, just like, give me two more seconds after the tap out. Pretend you don't feel it for a second. Till I think I'm going to Valhalla, which is in the tippy top of your anus. I want to be Wiley Coyote under an anvil. I want to be gone completely desperate and dead. Do you like, you like asses, but would you want somebody to sit on your face? You literally ask that question like someone who really wants it. You're like, that's crazy, but like, do you find it crazy?

This is another thing I, this is also me at coppers. I'm afraid of coppers. I'm afraid of coppers. Fenton go to coppers. I think we should go to coppers. To be fair, I wasn't here yet. I didn't come to. Are you, you're booing coppers?

Just to be clear, you're booing, which means you have been to coppers, right? And you formed an opinion. I, it's, it's shit. Does that mean you went to coppers and you're the one person that couldn't get laid when you left? Oh, shit. Oh, yes, dude. Yes, dude.

Sit on my face, bro. I want to taste your ass, man. Whoa, whoa, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, the last part, what you were saying? What was over thunderous applause? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, you literally. Because everyone was cheering and I was like, fuck you, man. Whatever, like, be quiet, sit down.

No, no, no, no. You literally said, I got you, dude. Sit on my face, lick my beautiful asshole. Everyone was applauding so loud they didn't hear anything. Oh, okay. Well, it'll be on the podcast because we have mics, so. No, oh, but yeah, they're okay. Yeah, is that music playing because we have to leave?

What time does the show end? We started at 4.30, but fuck it. I'll drag these microphones outside and we'll continue for another two and a half. To be fair, the speakers don't work that far. How much time did we have? Anybody? Did he say shut up? Yeah, you see, he didn't want anybody to.

That's the mayor of Dublin. No, I assume that was a positive shut up, right? Yeah, like, nobody telling them how much time he has. Sure enough? Sure enough. Sure enough. Good on you. You're fine.

I got it wrong. What is it? It said, just keep going. Everything here is more relaxed. We're fine. Okay, we have 10 minutes. 10 more minutes. Calm down.

Don't worry about it. 10 minutes. 10 minutes. Okay. We're all having fun as long as it ends at 600 seconds. Dare we answer a question that's not about asses? We'll see if we can have one. We have 10 minutes.

Did we answer that question? No, but you're good. It's fine. Yeah, I tell that guy to go for it and take it in steps and see how it goes. Yeah, ask your part as you start at the cheek. You bite a cheek and then you work your way in. Oh, you know what? I was going to say, start ingredient by ingredient.

You're up flour on her ass. Oh, things are getting a little hot. You preheat the ass to 175. Suddenly, Robin, oh, I cracked an egg. Who thinks they're getting cheeky? Pun intended. Pun intended. A little sugar, some icing.

You have the fucking pump. What's the icing? You're focused more on actually making the cupcakes than you are getting anyone on. Oh, we're talking about asses again? Yeah. Guys, for just one second, imagine that this mic's in as a bird. And watch how funny this is.

Ready? This mic's a bird. Ready? Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, so for a second, Jake, say that you have a cracker. Oh, by the way, I don't know if you guys care. I have a cracker. Oh, not good for the podcast listeners.

That's the theme of this episode. Doesn't it look like it's silently judging all of you? Man, my fucking prop work is on fire today. One last guy's name. One last guy's name, obviously. Jan McCool? Sure. Yeah?

Fjorn McCool? Fun Michael? Fjorn McCool. I said it. Yes, dude. How crazy is it that Ben's in Dublin? It is very weird. Yeah, it's exciting for me, man.

Yeah. It is kind of, it's kind of insane. That was a quick, that was a very quick decision. Yeah, insane coincidence. I did it because of you guys. You booked your ticket like four days ago. Yeah, I bought my ticket three days ago. Jesus Christ.

By the way, I'm going to have to borrow 200 bucks. We're passing out the hat. Ryanair gets real expensive if you book it. Ryanair is all about, oh, we're so cheap up until a week before that we'll rip you the fuck up. And I dare you to bring a fucking bag. I fucking, I dare you to bring any bag that's not your backpack. I dare you.

What's in your wallet? American reference. No, Erlingus 24-7, 365. I'm almost 20 years old, writes Fun Michael. And my parents are still signing me up to do shit without running it by me first. In fact, I think it's gotten worse over the past few months. They'll sign me up to do something within a week

and then within hours of it, tell me and leave me no choice but to do it. For example, my dad signed me up to play tennis with his tennis group because they didn't have numbers. He told me like 20 minutes in advance that I was playing. I told him I couldn't and to stop signing me up for shit. But he explained that he had already told the other two players that I would fill in, which meant that if I pulled out, I'd look like a dickhead. So I agreed, only to find out when we arrived,

they did indeed already have, quote, the numbers. And now there was one person too many, seeing as they were all middle-aged men that played tennis every week together. I ended up sitting in the car for two and a half hours waiting for them to finish the game. As I write this email right now, I've just been informed that my cousin will be coming over in a couple of minutes. And then I'm giving her an art lesson, which they just told me I were planning on making a weekly thing.

Don't get me wrong. Some of the things they signed me up for are pretty cool. But whatever I remind them, they say that I should quote, take one for the team. I have these commitments that they have made on my behalf. Meanwhile, my dad's sleeping in every morning and watching Netflix all day. What should I do? Should I just refuse to do something next time they have given me a heads up?

Or should I make it a rule that they have to give me at least a day in advance notice? P.S., how do I eat an asshole? Just kidding about that previous. The end. Love, I don't know. Fun, Michael. It's late. Oh wait, never mind.

It's 6.03 p.m. Shit, I'm wasted and the sun is out for another four and a half hours. Let's give it up for Fun, Michael. You ever experienced this? You ever parents ever sign you up for stuff you didn't want to do? And then you ended up either regretting it or loving it later? When I was a kid, they signed me up for Little League all the time. Yeah, you're talking.

You're fine, dude. You're fine, you're fine. You're fine, you did it. You're great. Give this guy a microphone. Oh, I'm serious. He's actually really funny, too. Are you having a great time?

I love listening. I guess I ended up for baseball. I didn't want to at all. Ever. Ever. And you always did it. No, I did it for a little bit. Anyway, DMX is here.

I gotta go. Stop. Leave me outside. Stop. Leave me outside. Yeah, that's better. That song came out here last year, by the way. DMX is dead.

Oh, come on. Oh, we went to a coffee shop and they played the full album of Alanis Morissette. They played? They played like you're in dated. Um, no, but then I was home. I like cartoons a lot. And I was watching cartoons. I was like, I don't want to go anymore.

And he let me stop. And it was a great one for me. Wow. What about you? You ever got signed up for a shit you didn't want to do? Yeah, I was, uh, for, uh, soccer, or as you guys call it, soccer. It's amazing that you call it the American real way to say shit. Thank you for.

Yeah. It's, it's hard because when you're a parent, you're like a 38 year old person. And you're like, yeah, my nine year old has to play sports. Yeah, I was six when I signed up for soccer. But then when you're like nine, you're like, wait, no, I'm, I'm my own person. I get to choose and pick and choose what I want to do. But when you were nine, you decided you were your own. Yeah.

I'm 30 and I barely decided recently. Your parents still sign you up for tasks. Guys, we're doing a fucking show. Oh. You're just talking to each other. This is therapy for me. Oh, nice. Uh, so what age do you say, fuck no, what, what age do your parents start listening to you?

This kid's, how old did he say 20? 20. 20 years old. 20. Parents are still signing up. Have a quick conversation with him, right? He did. Oh, all right.

Didn't work. I kind of zonked out in the middle of it. It was a really long email. It's hard to be like, I don't want to give my cousin art lessons. Yeah. Like, is he good at art? That's a question I might have. Hold on.

Let me text him. Do you guys have time? Is he qualified to do that? Comma good at art. And by the way, he's not terrible things. He's not being asked to do terrible things. That was just a quote. Yeah.

He's asked to wait in the car for two and a half hours while he's potter, Peter plays tennis for a few. He's not to wait in the car. You could have taken an Uber. He's a 20 year old. If he's his own person, then he can get home. How about, how do you guys like this rule? If you still live with your parents, you have to abide by their rules.

If you live by yourself, if you make enough money or you're a student. Sound like my fucking father. Do you like your father? Love your father. He's my father. My dad, don't you say shit about him. My dad is a... He's a god damn saint.

No, my dad, no, he's a, my dad's a peanut. He's a walnut. My dad is a cashew. My dad is... What does that mean? He's a legume. He's so fucking, my dad is... He's a legume?

He's a legume. He's a nothing, he is no one. He is, my dad is not, he's a, he, my dad is charcuterie. What does that mean? He's not the cheese, he's not the meat, he's... My dad is the board. Do you guys get that? He's the little carnation pickle that they put in a ramekin

that nobody eats on the charcuterie plate. My dad is the ramekin. And you better not say another fucking word about my father. See you... Because that's not your place at all. That's my flesh and that's my blood. I come from that man. I am that man's com.

That's our show everybody. What do you think about my father? He's a fucking goblin. See you, I think you hate every daddy. I do not. Ben's father is a hero. He is a hero. He's the best.

Captain America. He's Captain America. Do you agree with my rule? If you live with your parents, you got to do their shit? I kind of do a little bit. You don't, you should have some leeway as you get older, but you, they're still paying for your boarding and your food and everything, huh?

Yeah, if they're paying for your shit, you got to do their shit. Well, you got to do some of this shit. You got to give your cousin art lessons because your cousin's a little fucking doofus that doesn't want to do art. Dude, are you okay? I don't fucking like any of my cousins.

What are you, Andrew Dice Gray? With good reason. Wow. Wow. I'm sorry, my first girlfriend cheated on me with my family. Fucked all my cousins except for me. I want to do one Snapchat for my Snapchat. That's a good idea.

We're ending in two minutes. Why don't we end with a Snapchat? So what can we do that'd be fun for the whole audience to jump in on? Then now we all sing Oasis. Someday you will find me company the left side. Wait, I'll just do that. And a champion to Brnova, a champion to Brnova in the sky.

Thanks so much for coming to the show, everybody. And thanks to Ben for coming to Ireland. Thank you, guys. Holy shit. We love you. And thanks to Jake. And thanks to James for doing the audio. Good night, everybody.

Thank you, guys. Wow.