If I Were You - 23: Scientific Study

Episode Date: September 23, 2013

In this episode we talk about imaginary girlfriends, real boyfriends, and the results of Jake's STD test.This episode is brought to you by Harrys.com -- check out their awesome shaving kits, and use coupon code "ifiwereyou22" for a chance to win free blades for a year!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you I wouldn't ask them questions about chlamydia or herpes If I were you I'd just probably call Love Line and talk to Dr. Drew If I were you I'd ask my gynecologist what to do If I were you I'd never risk my health based on misinformation from some guy with a butterfly tattoo

But a nerdy Jew Very nice, been chill We appreciate the sentiment and the fact that you're a fan, but cool it Yeah Lovely song Watch it And Jake's not a nerdy Jew And I do not have a butterfly tattoo

So you got your information wrong there Unfortunately for you, your jokes landed a little flat Who's misguided To say the least Not misinterpreted 35 minutes of this We never ever break the bit Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us, I'm Amir

I'm Jake And I like that theme song because he referenced like specific storylines that we've had on this podcast Which is namely the misinformation you've given out about your sexual... When am I ever gonna live that down? Education When am I gonna live that down? I guess at least give me like three to five more episodes of bringing it up All right, but that's really it

You actually did get the results of your STD test We're gonna save that for the break Oh man A little teaser Keep on listening folks And get out your pen and paper now and just try to jot some guesses as to what you think Jake has How about just the over under for how many STDs I got? We're setting it at seven and a half

So make your decision now Hey, no cheating, no lying, you're only fooling yourself Yeah, no cheating and lying, that's just what I do in relationships Oh, I'm alone and I'm empty and so Oh, Jesus, I'm so sorry That's how I would cry if I could Yeah, yeah, I saw a human crying on television once And that's sort of how I mimic it when something bad is happening

Me, I'm a robot Oh god, you're short circuiting That's what syphilis is All right, so how does this work? Basically people are in such tough places in their lives They're like, god, I'm in this weird, weird place And I don't know what to do Should I ask a loved one?

Should I confide in someone that I don't know? Or should I email in a podcast And maybe they'll choose my question out of the thousands And they'll ridicule me and try to offer up their advice I think if we make fun of certain people enough They're on the straight and narrow though I do think sometimes we shame people into the right answer Oh, so we give them tough love

Every once in a while Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's embarrassing But like, this is what you needed to hear Right, exactly Anyway, these people email us in with their questions And we answer them on the show And that email, if you wanted to email us Is if I were you show at gmail.com

I thought it would be cool to have a catch I know it is, my ear does hurt It's completely unrelated, I think Promise? Yeah, it was a confecute or something All right, then here we go No, no, no, no, no, that's not what I meant You should always stop that

All right I do feel bad sometimes when we make fun of people Like, I'll email people and be like Hey, we use your question on the show Things got a little crazy, but I hope you like it No response You, I'm mortified by you You asshole

I'm mortified of myself, I feel bad, I don't know But is it worth it? Let me work it I'll put my thing down, flip it And reverse it Yes, it's your fifth and if and when yet It is your fifth and if and when yet Come on

You got a big fat dick, let me search it Whoa, whoa, whoa What, dude, it's the rest of the song Big fat dick, let me search it Find out how hard I gotta work it She says a big fat dick It might be a big black dick Really?

I don't know, I think they bleep it Yeah, if I had a big fat dick I wouldn't need anyone to search it Well, she has to find out how hard she's gotta work it Oh, I see, so if you're a fifth and if and It's fine, yeah I got you, I got you It's your fifth and if and when yet

Yeah Missy Elliott, we're coming at you Because we didn't have a podcast When you came out with that song So we're gonna make fun of you now She's totally listening Oh, yeah, she was a big... She actually wore a hashtag dope t-shirt

To the VMA in 2012 Her speech, her acceptance speech Was seize the cheese Why, what did she even accept? She grabbed the moon man She held it up above her head And she said, Toda God, that was an amazing dream you had

So yeah, should we get this party started? Why not? I'll tell you why not Because people like the intro They like it, they like just to see us Joking around God forbid we get to the questions That's just a conceit

Okay, it doesn't mean anything It's a structure We don't need to care about the bare bones Of the structure They want to see us color They want to see us color They don't want to see the outline They want to see the painting

Everyone just turned the podcast off Including your mom She'd rather watch the dish in silence Does she still listen to this? I think so Hi, Laura Hey, your mama We should have her on the show

I would love that This will be a test Don't tell her that we're talking about her And if you want to be on the show, Laura You should email us and we'll get you on the show But if you never hear this Then you'll never know Right, and you don't deserve to be on the show

How's that, mom? That being said, most of the guests we want on the show Probably have never heard the show That's true So it's not fair to hold your mom to a higher standard Right, we only want people on the show Who already know and love it Specifically this person right here

Who emailed us in Let's get started, ready? This email This email comes from a dude We're going to give him a fake name To preserve his anonymity But I assure you this email is 100% real So this real email from this fake person Adam

Reads So recently I've been trying to be a better person I've started reading books, drinking red Pursuing excitement and a girlfriend Here lays my dilemma I met this absolute gorge girl down the road I told her that her face is awesome And she responded with smiles and a telephone number

Here's the thing On our first date, we connected so much That we ended up banging in the bathroom of the restaurant Sober as a bone Then banging at mine Shwaisted on Merlot I really want to date this girl But I feel like she sees me as more of a fuck-bud

A friend with benefits and a sex on tap What should I do? Love, Sam I don't know why he thinks Drinking red wine makes him a better person Maybe he's lost sideways I think his problem is His imaginary girlfriend

Right, or the fact that he The imaginary sex he had in the bathroom Yeah, this guy probably went to Masterbated in a pizza hut bathroom And then came home Who connects so well on the first date That they fuck sober Bone sober in the restaurant

Sober as a bone I threw her a bone And then banging on mine Shwaisted on Merlot I really think having sex in a bathroom Is not a sober decision that anyone makes Nobody wants to do that No one's like, alright dude

I need to have you right now Let's both excuse ourselves From the restaurant Where the waiter's gonna be coming to check on us Go to the bathroom and bang Then we'll get shwaisted on Merlot No one says shwaisted And then says on Merlot

You don't get shwaisted on Merlot What do you get shwaisted on? You get shwaisted on like tequila shots You get drunk on Merlot You classless fuck You're classless assless Deaf and dumb So what now?

Let's say he is telling the truth Which odds are he's probably not Right, his problem is that somebody sees him as a fuck buddy Isn't the problem with fuck buddies always That it gets too real and gets emotional Just wait, just keep doing that At one point she'll either want to date you Or stop boning you

I think if you have enough sex with anybody You start to feel connected with them It doesn't matter if it's like... I wonder what the Guinness Book of World record is For longest fuck buddy without any emotional attachment It's held by Guinness himself Sir Alec Guinness Guinness and Webster actually

genuine class And Roger as the third person in this homosexual love triangle Though maybe it is two dudes Because that's how dudes think So it's like this gay fuck buddy situation Where two dudes just wanted to bone And never got emotionally attached Maybe

Was that an offensive guesstimate? Saying that gay guys Just view everybody as fuck buddies And they don't settle down Or that females are incapable of having Being as emotionally detached as men I guess... Yeah, it's offensive

I wonder if it's... Isn't it rooted in truth? I feel like they've done studies where it's like This is like me saying STDs aren't contagious They've actually done studies where it says Girls are like clingy little shits And dudes are actually chill This is you after you got broken up with

You're shwasted on Merlot You're shwasted on Merlot There's actual scientific studies That says girls are sluts I swear to god There's like one I think it was in the fucking New England Journal Of whatever the fuck that said

I swear to god it said Meredith was a slut Like I don't know what the fricking hypothesis was Or if they fucking used the scientific notation I think they used her as some kind of lab rat And she ended up sucking off every single scientist In the room And it concluded that she was like some kind of mean bitch I forget

I fucking... I think I read the abstract on micro-fiche at the library I never ended up getting the entire fricking catalog in Or downloading it But that's how you know I'm chill I really think she was a bitch at the end The scientific conclusion was that dudes are chill And girls are cray

It was the fricking cover... It was like that was the cover story Or fucking stem cells some shit I don't freaking remember anymore Yeah I don't know I don't know what the truth is I feel like I've heard that Men are better at separating sex

And it's like actually There's like some kind of... Evolutionary... Yeah there's like some Yeah there's some Something that's released during a female orgasm That makes them feel more connected Or something

And men don't have it Oh interesting It's the opposite It's the opposite of jizz Jizz is emotions that we're giving to women Right jizz is like Oh it's out of me Now I feel nothing

And you feel it because you have the jizz I give you the curse Sex is transferring the curse I get to go be a monster again Stop stop stop stop Tinder tinder tinder Now that I'm lighter From the ball sack up

I can do whatever I want And you're weighted down by my liquid curse That'd be the funniest name for semen ever Oh the curse Yo shit man I fucking cursed all over my bed I had a wet dream And I ended up with like

The curse in my sheets Jake it's okay When you do curse in a sock Just let me know before I do the laundry I'm cursed I really am I'm cursed at myself Help

I think we helped this guy By calling him a liar And saying that if he wants to not be a fuck buddy Just keep on being a fuck buddy And then somebody's going to get emotional about it Yeah Though it sounds like it might be you So if the

Clearly this person's lying But if someone's in this relation In this type of place Where the guy wants to get more serious And the girl just wants to be fuck buddies Keep it going Try to increase the rate Or the frequency of it

And by proxy By default You guys will Somehow become closer emotionally too That's science That's science That's science Bitch

Magnets Alright cool Good question Good question That was a good answer actually Oh my god In terms of How would you score that?

Jump out your window What? Do it You really want me to Yeah I bet if I did it You'd be like pissed Nope

I bet you'd be sad No And I think you'd regret it Yeah right Maybe not today You know what would happen If you jumped out the window You went into a coma

You woke up nine months later You said who came to visit me I would not be on the list of people I promise Oh shit Oh shit You would You'd feel bad

Oh you're laughing You're smiling but there's tears rolling Other people would guilt you Into it Oh That is the saddest truth You wouldn't want to That is the sad thing

You would make you feel bad enough That you'd like Just squeeze in a visit Like on a Thursday afternoon Or some shit You would Alright Here's something I remember

Remember when we Before we started the podcast You said Maybe don't say what question number it is Because we can just record a bunch of questions And pick and choose Oh choose the funniest ones Yeah

Did you ever do that No we never did it Because we We ended up not wanting to edit at all Right we decided not to edit the questions Yeah so if something turns out not funny It's still in the podcast Yeah that's true

I remember because it's a good decision That we should actually ultimately go back to For example this question Which comes from Question number Blank Two Three

Four Four Comes from Let's call her Hannah Hey guys So I work at a hospital And last week I took care of a really hot patient All the other nurses were saying how attractive he was

And joking that we would make a cute couple It was inappropriate at the time So I didn't do anything about it But now that he's out of the hospital I'm trying to decide if I should reach out to him On a scale of one to ten How creepy would it be If I were to friend him on Facebook

Thanks for your help Love Hannah This is so like It's so funny that the memos we get from guys versus girls The ones we get from guys are like Hey I've asked this girl out three times I really want to fucking do it again But I don't know

Like she's like busted And like should I still go for it Yeah this shit goes out with my friend But like I'm sort of into her Should I ask her out Like what are you talking about And then this From a girl

The most romantic thing happened to her Where she took care of a really hot patient They had this emotional connection And she's still unsure as to whether or not It would be too creepy to Facebook him This is like something out of the movies Or porn It's so awesomely hot

This is like the dream Have you seen the English patient Or the porno version Or Christine Oh shit what is her name Christina Rose and POV Fantasy number eight maybe POV Ray Fiennes

Yeah shit dude just Just ask Yes Just ask him out while he was in the hospital That's like such a If I ever went to the hospital My one hope Like cause whatever circumstances

You're there under They obviously suck Yeah Like you have an attractive nurse And then she asks you on a date When you're better That's awesome Yeah if anything you should have done

While he was pumped out on that med That sweet sweet medicine That medicine You're his medicine Yeah You need three cc's of you He needs an IV drip And those are your initials I think

I wonder if you can stop that The voice Alright cool we're having fun I wonder if you can never do the voice again What could I do To ensure that that never has to happen You're doing it I think You're shaming me away from it

Alright You're dangling the carrot of courage Away from me ever wanting me to do that again Great great great great This guy all of his limbs amputated by the way This girl's such a good person That she just fell in love with his personality And she did it

Would it be creepy Is it ever creepy to friend someone on Facebook Isn't friending someone so passive That like how creepy can it be Like you just You can refuse that I guess it's not creepy But it is blatantly flirty

Especially in this situation It's always flirty to add someone on Facebook Right Yeah that's what I'm saying But I think that's I guess like the creepy isn't the right word That she used I mean she should be like

Should I be embarrassed to flirt with him this hard And she shouldn't be embarrassed to flirt with him this hard Do you ever friend people on Facebook Or are you one of those people that are like If they friend me Like if you got along If you met a lady and you got along with her very well Would you friend her

Or would you wait to see if she friended you I actually I never friend anybody Anybody No Well maybe I think I friended The last person I friended was a dude Nick Rad You my man

I have like guy crushes And I'll like add them on Facebook Right cause it's like a chill move Really girl like girls are so Girl That's it The weirdest thing is like trying to like Become new friends with guys

She's like alright man yeah let's chill I like have your numbers I wanna like text you and hang out I did it to Kevin Barnett And I did it to Nick Rad It's like Aw man I really hope I like it to hang out With these dudes again

How do I get your number man How do I uh If I want it to hang out with your complex The least cool I ever I ever am is I wanna try to hang out with a guy Cause you don't know like Like

I don't know how to be flirting Yeah it is like it's weird Some weird version of flirting Not gay Not gay You're my boy You're my boy dude Not in a gay way

I'd hook up with you only if it helped us get chicks Or if you wanted to And I thought like I look up to you so I'll pretty much do whatever you want But I think that like Facebook friending people is so passive That I always let a girl do it Cause then it's like

That's like what girl That's what they have you know That's like so Some guys flirt with girls And if he succeeds Then they get the friendship The Facebook friend request I may be so

That might be it Is that like the process I guess Well I'm sure some guys like Added girls as friends on Facebook Yeah I don't know what the real process is But I do think that like

I'm a shameless Facebook flirter But I like to I like that one initial um You need the You need the confidence of someone Fronting you Yeah it's a total confidence boost You get that friend request

And then you initiate The like the messaging You know Right yeah I'm gonna rush My honestly This is why I'm a God damn monster

Cause just describing Facebook flirting to you right now I just like My hands started tingling And I was like yeah I got excited I got happy Do you like that more than sex

In some ways Yes You do In every way You'd rather Get a friend request From a girl you have a crush on Then sleep with a girl

That you sort of like Yeah well I don't know I like doing both I would rather I would rather get a text from a girl That I'm really into Than Come inside her

That same woman That same girl So the first I get more of a rush out of the text The highlight of your relationship with someone Is before you sleep with them Oh yeah Oh yeah

So if they knew If they really knew How to get you They would just never Now they would text you But never You wouldn't even Never necessarily want to sleep with them

I don't know I mean there No there's no They have no hope Sorry I will lose you You try to like Figure out some way

To like best me And uh no It's uh The thing is there is no me So you can't best this I guess I'm invisible Believe me I've tried I'm not only invincible

I am invisible I look in the mirror And see absolutely nothing Invisible Invisible And just small And resistible I am a

Gone So I'm no longer here Emotionally absolutely Abject vacancy Just zero of me Is still here So uh Todaraba

Friend the Gimp on Facebook I really think you should do it Alright we're talking about that Yeah friend him I really hope you have already Although Is there a Is there a time

Like if you Meet a girl and flirt with her Is there like The longer you The longer she makes you wait The more excited you'll be Or like after like A certain amount of time

You'll stop giving a shit I'll always be excited At any point So whether it's The next morning Or three weeks from then Yeah I guess I'd probably be more

Excited a little later But I wouldn't say that's like A two-breaker You'd have written it off And then when it comes in You're like alright Awesome But like then there's also that

That level of like anticipation Maybe he went home He's like I wonder if I'll Get a Facebook friend request And then he does And it's like yes I was right That's kind of cool too Alright

Alright there you go There you have it This show is sponsored By BetterHelp If you're finding yourself In a difficult, anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional Licensed therapist

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Check him out Thanks, BetterHelp Thank you to Squarespace For sponsoring this episode of our show Wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving About Squarespace

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Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Alright, let's switch gears To another guy question Finally It's pretty great because it's a... As we suspected The complete opposite of what we just read

This one comes from a guy Who will call Ray Ray writes Hey, so me and this girl Have had a thing going on For about a month and a half now But the problem is that she is dating My best friend

They've been dating for two years And I just realized Her and I are great together I know she likes me And I like her a lot So if you were me Would you back off And not mess with this relationship

Or would you go for her And suffer the consequences I know the obvious choice Would be the first one But I really like this girl Plus she's a dime Thanks I just love that he called her a dime

Is she a dime? She's a goddamn ten-cent piece I really had my mind made up Until I heard that last That last piece of information Right there She's two nicks She's ten pennies, my friend

She's a dime A goddamn dime She's an FDR FDR You... I'm just like trying to dissect This question a little bit One of them is

One of the things he said Is he's had a thing going on With this girl for a month and a half Yeah Which is, you know, six weeks Sure And then he said I just realized I liked her

Yeah So you started fucking her Six weeks ago Without really caring that your best friend Or maybe just friend Yeah Wait, did he fuck her? I mean, he's like

Has a thing I don't know He has a thing for her Oh, a thing for her? I thought he said with her So me and this girl Have had a thing going on For around a month and a half now

Yeah, that's it That's fucking And she's dating my best friend So, oh So they're like hooking up I think they're hooking up A thing going on They've been dating for two years now

And I just realized her and I are great together So his best friend was dating a girl For two years He's still dating her And then he knows And also don't call it dating When it's two years They're in a full-fledged relationship

Look, oh, that sounds so casual Oh, they're dating No, they go out with each other They're a boyfriend and girlfriend Would you not know your Best friend's girlfriend For two years And he started hooking up

With his random girl He's like, oh, you're the girl That he's been dating for years I'm saying he knew So you're saying he knew Yeah I'm saying this jack-off Knew his best friend

And his best friend's girlfriend They'd been together for two years Yeah And then they started hooking up Did it for six weeks And then he realized, oh, I like her I like their relationship to end So I can date her

Right That's what I'm saying This is one of those things where If you guys end up married Then it's like the most romantic, funny story Like, how did your parents meet? Oh, my mom was dating My dad's best friend

And he broke him up Well, I guess true romance wins But if you don't Then you're just an asshole Who broke up his best friend And his girlfriend's relationship Yeah, it's like 40 years in the future When you've got like kids

And they're having kids Then it's like sort of cute That you guys had some kind of elicit affair But it's not that cute And it's definitely not cute right now So it does not sound like You like her that much Well, she's a dime

She's a dime? That's it She likes her enough to compare her To the thinnest coin I really think you suck, man I'm only saying it because I've been you Yeah, I suck is what you mean Yeah, we suck, me and you

This is coming off of a nurse Who helped the hot guys Like, should I friend him on Facebook? I really feel like creepy or whatever Oh, yeah, totally, I get that I actually feel creepy myself My best friend and his girlfriend I've been like trying to break up the relationship

For a month and a half She's a 10 cent piece Just throwing that out there You gotta understand, she's a dime She's a buck and a quarter If not a penny So I would say Leave him alone or go for it

Seize the cheese or you do you He's already messed this up There's nothing you can do now Like you, I guess, Jesus Jesus Jesus, you've ruined it You took your curse and you've ruined everything You've cursed their entire relationship

I would say How do you Meaning Meaning you gotta seize that cheese Okay You're just spouting out some sort of catchphrases I'm only talking to people who've been listening Since the beginning

Here's the thing Regardless of what you say When you really like someone You'll do whatever Right, it doesn't matter what we say You're already breaking up the relationship I've never met someone who had such a crush on someone And they had such a crush on him

But they were like, this is a bad situation Let's stop Love and feelings and emotion Will always cause you to do bad things Yeah, it's true Nobody's mature enough to put the kibosh on something Because it's a bad idea in the future Which you're definitely not going to do

But let's at least see if you've got the courage To tell your friend what's going on So go for it, but at least be open Or let the girl decide, you know Maybe it's her decision too Well, make a mutual decision But I think you guys should keep in mind That your friend has a right to know

The end The end That's it That's our last question That's our last episode Thank you so much to everyone Who's listened to this entire show Harry

That is Really appreciate you sponsoring It's an honor It's an honor It really is To have you promote and sponsor Not only this last episode But the last thing I'll ever say

Good night, everyone Good night Oh, my God, he did it He did it He didn't get anything He didn't get the Cajones But he did it All right, folks

This is just Jake coming at you And I Oh, I got to call 911 I got to clean this up Oh, this is bad This is bad for you, Hurwitz They're not going to believe you, man Oh, God

They're blood everywhere I pray there's a bullet left in this gun here All right, then Oh, there's one in the chamber There's one in the chamber Oh, thank you, Harry Oh, click Oh, God, damn it

What sort of poetic irony is that? For the prince around the gun So, who's in there? Who's in there? Oh, dear Lord, dear Lord This turns into some sort of 1930s radio program Who's in there? Who done in there, man?

Oh, you don't understand I've been framed here Oh, you got to believe me It's the case of the century, boys Yes, this one's a real deal, you little pickle Hurwitz v. Blumenfeld Two Jews from Lower Manhattan Two Jews

I say we kill them both You're already dead Yeah Let's take an intermission Finally Not only that weird little theater that we did But from the show itself We're at, you know, the half an hour mark

Yeah, we clearly need that break We don't have to be funny Nope We just have to be us Just us You can turn your brain off That's nice You got your STD results back

Yeah, you guys can't say this But Amir is... He's massaging me right now What happened? First of all, how did it work? You call? Yeah, so I went in Oh, I don't even think I talked about the process of going in

Oh, right Which was insanely easy It was like a vending machine, right? Where you stick your dick into the coin slot I stuck one arm into it Into a little slot and my dick into another And a Mountain Dew came out I think it was like STD test NY or something

I googled free STD testing in New York That's what I did Okay And I went with a place that had the highest reviews Went... I waited literally like three minutes Filled out some paperwork Went right in

I got a shot They drew some blood They... I pissed into a little container And then I went away And it was incredibly easy Everybody should do it I can't believe I waited this long

And then three days later I called back I said my name and I asked for my results And they gave them to me Shoot me straight, man I said, you gotta just tell me like it is Trust me, I'm a good man I'm a big boy

I can handle this I'm trying to tell you what they are You're yelling at me Yeah, and I can handle whatever you got to say I need to tell you Okay Positive for syphilis Positive for chlamydia

Positive for herpes Positive... No, no, no All right, so no Actually, it was negative for everything Totally I'm somehow by some miraculous miraculous turn of events

Stroke of luck I don't have any STDs So you could say you told me so You were right all along And you've been doing everything the right way I knew I was clean I freaking knew it No, it's kind of surprised

Because when you're waiting You just build it up in your head Like, oh, I definitely have everything I was sure that I had AIDS But that's the first one they tell you They're like negative for HIV Negative for gonorrhea Negative for syphilis

Negative for herpes Negative for chlamydia And I think that was all of them You do have high cholesterol, though How do you know, man? The weird thing is The weirdest thing was that Or not weird

I guess this is completely normal for me But the girl at the STD clinic was, like, super cute Oh And I wanted to, like And we, like, flirted a little bit When I was, like, getting my... Filling out my form And then I, like, had a nice little goodbye

With her when I left But I knew, like, you can't ask them out Like, not until after the results Yeah, what if you're like Oh, yeah, like, let's go out sometimes Like, totally, yeah And then you call and it's like Um, actually, about that date

You could be like I don't want to see you Since I'm so negative, negative Why don't you tell me how positive you are That you'd go out with me You're actually, you do have syphilis Okay, I seem to have cut you off A little bit too early in the game

So, yeah, as long as I guess as long as I had something that was curable I could have been like, all right Hey, tell you what I'm gonna go on some penicillin for a few weeks I'm curable and you are sick curable So please, let me take care of you, baby You don't have to work in that STD clinic

Daddy got you right I'm gonna take you away from y'all I'm gonna turn you into a real honest woman You only need to handle No Man's P anymore What is this weird Southern thing that we started doing I don't know how this happened Oh I just hope it's not racist

Yeah, I think it's not It's not unless you thought it was It's weird because like And then it's your racist for thinking that There's so many movies with like racist people with Southern accent Like any Southern accent just sounds vaguely racist Yeah, that's not our fault

No, it's the South's fault Y'all shouldn't have fought on the wrong side of the Civil War, should ya? Not even you guys Like you shouldn't have even grown up in a place that fought on the wrong side of the Civil War It's not on us Your grandparents should have had the wherewithal to move At the very least

Maybe they did from New York to Georgia at some point north of the Mason Dixon All right, should we get to one last question? Let's try This one comes from another lady Duda Duda Three ladies

Duda day Oh wait, no, this is the second lady Yeah All right, we'll call her Marnie Marnie Marnie Come on, take the Marnie and run Good morning, Vietnam

Good morning, good morning, good morning What is that one? It's a Beatles song Oh, nice All right, ready? My boyfriend and I just broke up and I've been pretty miserable and sad He cheated on me and broke my heart

Meanwhile, my best friend slash woman has just fallen in love with a rich good-looking young, great guy I know I should be happy for her but I can't help but just want to punch her in the face whenever she tells me how great everything is going How do I tell her I don't want to hear about it until my heart has been mended?

Thanks, Marnie Hmm Yeah, your best friend has to understand the world's about you, right? Oh my God The world revolves around you Marnie No

Yeah That's what you got I really think that's what she thinks Yeah, you think Yeah I'm going to tell her like it is Yeah, this is the world's smallest violin and I'm going to break it off your goddamn skull

Okay? Is there an amount this girl could be rubbing it in for you to feel bad for her? Yeah, I don't know That's kind of tough, actually Because, you know, usually you got your heart broken That sucks You don't want to hear about somebody else's great life

Maybe she's talking about it too much because sometimes when things are really great you do want to talk about it a lot Yeah It's tough It's tough I'm going to pass I don't give a shit enough about this question

to justify it with an answer We're going to pass on this question, huh? Yeah, so, yes, order Order in this courtroom I won't have it I won't hit you I'm judging I don't know

I think that you could probably tell her I don't think you could be like hey, I want to punch you in the face just like shut up don't tell me anything Maybe you should just do it Yeah, you should just punch her Just punch her

Just ask her to be sensitive She should be like I know I'm like super happy for you but I'm like I can't help feel sorry for myself every time to hear this stuff Can you please just like, you know Dial it down

Like you're out of nine and I need you out of five Right, I think there's a balance that you guys can find because you also she's your friend you have to be happy for her Yeah, and or, or, or

you can say hey at least someone in my life is happy and that's considered a good thing for me Like, yeah, I feel terrible about myself but that doesn't mean I'm going to make myself feel bad when I hear about other people's love just because I'm poor

doesn't mean I get jealous, angry and enraged when someone else wins the lottery You do, yeah, you get really mad Like when any of our friends find success and like makes money doing something you get really pissed

I feel nothing but greed and jealousy Yeah, you ask for a cut I've seen you hit up every single one of our friends who like came into any money Well, I say, what's your salary? Can you imagine if it was 99% of that would you really be that pissed

if you gave me 1% of that? You would never miss like a penny from a big jar of change Yeah, it's a drop in the bucket If everyone gave me 1% of their salary I wouldn't have to work a goddamn day in my life and nobody's given me money so far A couple of people have beaten you up about it

Right? Actually, everyone had That's why I'm so poor They all beat me up and take my money You've got the highest the highest beat-up rate of anybody I've ever seen What's the beat-up rate?

How do you quantify that? I don't know People you approach over a hundred Yeah, it's just like so I guess 8 out of 10 of your conversations end with somebody at least accosting you So the ratio is people you approach that beat you up over how many people you approach total

Oh my god, I'm going to beat you up right now No I just want to know if we're talking about You're trying to make it math We're talking about ratios and shit You're trying to make it math or whatever You're trying to make it science Yeah, science, bitch

So I'm going to take it one step in a different direction and say you should evaluate what it says about yourself that hearing about someone that your best friend gaining happiness makes you sad I don't think that's fair That is very fair

I actually don't think that's fair That should make you as happy as you try trying to find true love If you find true love and if someone else does that should be the same thing for you if they're best friends It's too the same, you know I just got my heart broken and my best friend

just found love It's like that's a gut punch If it's like I just got my heart broken and my best friend just won the lottery That's totally different It's like, oh, I can be happy for you You got some kind of promotion at work That's something that you can almost distract

your broken heart from So if you lost your job today and you were depressed and I got cast on a TV show would that make you extra depressed? Yes, of course Or would you be happy for me? There'd be part of me that would be happy for you

but if I got... I guess that's like even... I got cast on a TV show What the fuck? Am I fired? If I got fired and you got a big promotion I would be pretty sad That would hurt my feelings I'd be upset

It would be very hard for me to be totally happy for you To be disconnected from those two things You could do that? Not only could I but I would I would feel nothing It wouldn't even make me sad to be fired knowing that you got a promotion

I would step down today if they would just agree to it Okay, I don't know if I would do... I don't know if I would agree to that the stepping down thing I quit if American have all my salary That's what I would do So yeah, try to...

If you want to let her know Do it so... Try to let her know that you're sensitive about this kind of stuff Or you can try to find happiness in it That's what I say I say let her happiness be your happiness and don't make it so it makes you less upset

Right, and I would say that... Of course you're gonna be upset I would never tell you how to feel I would never tell you to be happy You're beautiful I think that's irresponsible of someone to do I think it's irresponsible for somebody to say Try to be happy

You know what? Feel your broken heart That's fine That's beautiful But you know what? If your friend's making you feel like garbage you just have to tell her in an honest, perfect, beautiful way

that she's just... She's gotta dial it down If I could just get in there I would never say there's an honest, perfect, beautiful way I would also never say You gotta be happy I don't sound like that I would say what you're doing

is your advice is bad and mine is good So I would follow my advice over yours If I could just jump in here I think your advice is... It's unattainable You're trying to ask somebody not to feel emotions

that they're gonna feel naturally So I'm saying here's a way you can deal with these emotions and you're saying don't feel the emotions Do you see how this is like sort of an impossible thing to achieve? I think for you it is impossible

because you're not even willing to work on it You're saying, okay, don't change don't try to become a better person and I'm saying maybe deep down inside there is somebody who can attain the impossible I hate to cut you off but I'm gonna jump in here

I feel like you do like cutting me off I feel like you do like cutting me off You're getting combative You're very combative I don't think I don't feel that I am If I am, please let me know I'll totally back off

I appreciate that I really do It's not a problem We're stabbing each other You are just pressing down on my foot so hard bones are breaking and I get that I really do

and look, I appreciate that I'm not gonna tell you to be any different than how you are but not being different than how you are sort of leads people to never grow emotionally if that makes sense I wouldn't ask you to do that either I'm not saying you're a bad person

because I don't think you know any better and that's okay I feel like I'm blaming your ignorance not your lack of smarts Am I even I don't know if I'm using too big of words because your vocabulary is so limited but if I keep talking in this cadence

you'll eventually understand me So patronizing Patronizing Patronizing How dare you How dare you do you Alright I'm tired of shit

Yeah me too Let's call it a day Let's go to bed Good night everyone It's 2.15 in the afternoon Yeah Thanks for listening I don't know what to say

The first theme song that we mentioned was by a band called Dude On Dude I don't know Okay, the first theme song was from a band called Dude On Dude Dude On Dude We're accepting theme song submissions If you think you can do better than that

or at least as good as that please email us in If you're in a sticky situation a difficult place in your life please email us in If you just have advice for us or a compliment

or a feedback constructive criticism We don't need to hear the constructive criticism obviously we've attained greatness but the compliments would feel nice Please email us in And that email address is

If I Were You Show at gmail.com Thank you guys very much That first theme song was from a band called Dude On Dude and this next one was from a dude named

Derek Connolly Derek Connolly and Derase Derase it is quite a good theme song submission I do declare You suck man Sorry

I thought we were I thought we were riffing about like Southern Derase Just play the song Alright Thanks for listening everyone What?

If you're in a sticky situation and you need a friendly recommendation email If I Were You Show at gmail.com Get out

from Jake and Amir Things will all become so very clear Yeah