If I Were You - 230: Pride

Episode Date: August 22, 2016

In this here episode we discuss ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, and foliage.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, FrameBridge, and NatureBox!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

When you try your best to seize the cheese And your girlfriend gives you an STD What can you do? You're like these guys, they're dope They give advice and jokes And they will try to fix you It's Coldplay, dude You know Coldplay is playing tonight at the Rose Bowl

What are we doing here? We're recording a podcast Oh, alright That was by Tony Patti Tony Patti says that's a parody of a Coldplay song Very well Obviously Don't have any other music to promote

But if you can shout out r slash jacadamere, that's our subreddit What? And fuckmefinally.com Which is his attempt at a If I Were You transcription website That he built So this guy made this song which is great This guy has it all And then

He's completely selfless All of his self promotion is just us He's helpful And then he's also good at singing and I guess songwriting And dancing, I assume I assume Tony Patti can make a song and a dance out of it I don't want to make any money off the transcription site It's just something I started to try to help fans find your bits

That's really cool So, toadah to Tony Would you say Tony can stop like all that bullshit now? Like he got what he wanted His little fucking shout out Well the transcription site sounds like an ongoing project So you probably wouldn't want to alienate him in any way Alright

But I feel like it's on autopilot at this point Tony got his little Tony got his heroes talking about him for a couple seconds Oh jeez Here we go Tony Here we go Are you happy? They don't meet your heroes

Also don't listen to them Also don't meet me specifically You can meet your heroes Just don't meet me Just a Mirza monster Sunday Night Sesh Recording this Gonna turn around

Upload it right away Cause you've been All over the place I've been jet setting a little bit I haven't seen you in a week Yeah Did you miss me? I missed you

I missed you Now I gotta kiss you Get away from me man Ay He's Frenching me You just need the top of my lip You need my lip into my teeth You ass

It was hot Um God Oh yeah Nantucket and then New York for a wedding Yeah Jesus Which part was better?

Obviously you have to rank them Oh interesting Um You know I guess Nantucket is like It's Oh it's seven days worth of like Festivities and relaxation And family time

Yeah Wedding is just like All of like the enjoyment Of a week long vacation Condensed into one night Oh because you were like I'm having reserved Relaxed quiet family time

And now it's time with my friends Right I'm gonna fucking go all out The wedding is like Or the Being in Nantucket is like smoking a joint Oh that's really cool That's really cool

Being at the wedding is like Taking Molly Molly Off the fucking walls I love everybody Loves in the air What's another example of a drug that I do? Um

Weddings cocaine Yeah And And I tried heroin yesterday Right that's wedding What? That's very wedding

Yeah Actually that's more Nantucket I was arrested Okay That's totally wedding And then you were hung over Threw up on an airplane again Yeah

I gotta get out of the habit of vomiting On This time I threw up in the family bathroom At JFK Vomiting on an airplane seems nearly impossible The lavatories are so small Oh it sucks You have to like

You have to like straddle the minutes Yeah you can't like get on You can't even You would want to get down on your knees In there anyway But you really have to just sort of like Crouch And just

Aim Oh man Yeah Crouch and aim Crouch and pray Cause your eyes are shut Involuntarily And then you

Flush Angle your mouth towards the toilet But who knows You flush the toilet Then you open the door And there's a little line there And do you give You're like your eyes are watering

And do you give like the whole like Hey Crying Yeah I usually just like head down Walk back to my seat But sometimes I walk out And I'm like

Yeah Who's next That's really awesome You know like Whatever Yeah We've all been there Jacking Coke to my seat sweet hat

I need a little hair of the dog Yeah And it's 7am And they don't have that stuff Yeah And then I Then I slap a flight attendant's ass What do you say

And he punches me in the gut Why He's like don't Talk to me like Yeah Cause it's illegal for you to say that shit And to talk to him like that And to slap him like that

Yeah To slap him on the ass It's illegal I don't even know if it's like It's illegal or if it's just like Right It's not like a salt Well it is a salt

You don't You didn't hurt him You just made him feel Sexually uncomfortable Oh so it's sexual assault Yeah sexual assault That's definitely legal Alright cool

Glad we got to the bottom of that I'm not allowed to fly anymore This is If I were you The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Jake

I actually had a pretty chill week too Thank you for asking I was going to I was going to save it for the After the break Well Don't forget about it Because I actually haven't done shit

So Maybe we should just gloss over it Did you have a nice week? Did you do anything interesting? Did I do anything interesting? You tell me I Well

I can't I wouldn't need to throw that No Of course Obviously You said You tell me like You were just showing me

A tattoo on your stomach What in fact I just I sort of hurt my back Did you hurt your back? I like I have What appears to be like some sort of

Bruised back for note For seemingly no reason Other than old age It's the long nights dude How did you stay out last night? Oh Forget about it dude 2 am?

3 am? 4 am? Up Up 1 Yeah Sorry Yeah less than 4

I should have said down 4 was too late Did you get late night food Or did you get late night sex? Nice dude You gotta choose one I got these I got these

Cracked pepper baked Lentil chips Got town Cause I always said I don't want to overdo it Even though I was drunk You did fuck the shit out of the bag Yeah

I'll fuck a bag I fucked the bag Alright These are real emails from real people We're gonna give them fake names Spent all week searching For the best 4 questions we can find Appreciate that

Cause I was Mary in the shape to hunt for questions You were You were Gone Although don't Weddings end early The weddings end earlier than nights out

Well this The wedding ended at midnight But they had shuttle buses That took everybody from the botanical garden Where it was to tortilla flats In the west village Where there was just like You know

They had rented the entire bar Oh I see So it was like a night out in New York In addition to the wedding I would say that till 5 And I was And also like Dave and Jeff And Mikey were there

And the boys And Sarah Schneider was there The girls You know It was just a It was a great time And it ended like 18 hours ago 5 a.m. you say 5 a.m. this morning basically

Yeah And then back to Mike and Sarah's apartment And we were like Gonna have like a nightcap or something At like 6 a.m. This is like I think we walked in at like 4 30 or 5 And as soon as I got there

It was like What is No And then when was your flight Not till 3 Oh okay That's pretty solid So you got to sleep a little bit

I slept till noon That's good Woke up, wanted to die Alright And here I am still do I actually feel better But I still hate myself Alright

Let's see if you can At the very least answer Some questions with me Uh So Oh No This is a guy's name

I'm a boy He's a high school boy What about one of your high school boys That were at the wedding Yeah yeah We'll only do High school boys from the wedding I'm gonna omit the

To innovation boys Cause They already get enough dap Yeah Um I'll do Eddie Gaga Alright

Eddie Gaga writes Hey guys I'm a boy in high school And I have a little dilemma I broke up with my girlfriend The other day And she really hasn't Been taking it well

She has been texting me daily Refusing to let our relationship go We made a plan When we were still together That I would go visit her cottage With her family Now Four days after we broke up

She's bringing it up again To make matters worse And to make me feel much more Guilty His mom is willing to Pay for my bus down there They're not an ideal Financial situation

So this is a decently big offer Anyway What should I do If I went with her I'm sure she would end up Making moves on me Or making me feel bad For breaking up with her

Is it impolite to just say no To her parents offer Or to something That she was really looking Forward to Fucking help me guys Cheers Eddie Gaga

I can't believe this This character is even Entertaining the idea Of taking them up I'm sure that she'll make me Feel guilty Or make moves Yes

Of course What's the other option Is just pretending You guys are together For another weekend But then she would make moves She's either angry Or you guys pretend

You're together again She doesn't have some Alterior motive That he doesn't know He's like I think there's something A little more than meets the eye About his invite

I hate to read between The lines here But it seems like She's still into it She clearly, clearly is trying To get, I mean Don't do that That's crazy

Right And what's making here Kim consider it Is that It was a super nice offer Not that it was a lot of money But that they're not In a great financials place

So that the offer Relatively speaking Was a very nice one Yes And now he's like You want them to go broke A little bit Yeah

Is it to be polite I feel bad They don't have a lot of money So this offer is a great one Yeah I feel guilty enough To actually make them Spend the little money

That they have Yeah Actually the sentimental value Is through the roof I feel bad Not cashing it in I have been in this situation I've gone on vacations

With exes before Gone on vacations with exes Where did you go with your ex? I think there was like There was definitely like more There was like one relationship I was in where we were like Constantly kind of like

Together and breaking up Yeah In and out Yeah They call it the hamburger relationship You know what Full disclosure I think I've done this

In at least three of my relationships So you're not outing anyone So yeah And it's never ever been Like a good thing And that's why I'm not Judging you completely God, God, but

He's also young He's in high school Oh yeah I mean I did this When I was in high school for sure So I'm telling you As a 31 year old Who's probably done it as recently

As five years ago Five minutes ago Don't do that Nantucket was that, right? Oh yeah I was on vacation with With three of my exes actually It was with your parents

After you emancipated yourself They still wanted you to go Yeah Because they love me or some shit Anyway, what should I do? Don't go Don't hang out with your exes There's only one reason

People still hang out And that's because They're probably still interested in you I think there's like a misconception It's easy to Misconstru this That like Hanging out with your ex

And giving them time And all that stuff is Something nice Because they're so sad And kind of the one thing That can make them happy Is spending more time with you Right

But the truth is The hard truth is that Once you've decided to break up with someone The nicest thing you can do is Disappear Stay broken up Yeah, just be broken up And make, yeah

So you tell her I really want to do the nice thing And then she's like Great, so we leave in two days And the bus ticket is X, Y, and Z To the cottage Of course We'll tell your parents

I'm not going to just take a bus I'd like to fly private And if they don't want to foot that bill Then it's not really a nice offer It is a cottage after all What is a cottage? Is it a house? Yeah, it's probably

Maybe like a quaint house Like a country house So a cottage is just a type of house I guess so, yeah There's a cottage style So there can be a cottage style house In LA Yeah, for sure

So that's just the type of architecture I guess so, yeah And cottage cheese is also Yeah, it's just I was going to say not Yeah, it's not a house that looks like Or it's not cheese made out of I feel like you shouldn't have to

Have gone on this journey Got it No, yeah You shouldn't even be talking about it You can't make a house out of cottage cheese Like it's just the word cottage Now I see where your brain has been This entire time

And it is a stinky, stinky room Walls are curdling Oh, there's dripping dairy And curds from the ceiling I didn't realize it was a cheese house You should check it out Alright, here's another question About X's and breaking up

That's kind of the other side of things So I thought we should pair it up I love it This is a girl writing Oh, great Let's do a chick Okay A dame

Come on A bird Let's do the bride herself, Christine What else we called her in high school? X-team Very nice And was she a beautiful bride? She was a beautiful

Drop dead gorgeous I've seen some really nasty little brides And I've mentioned it Yeah, during the wedding I've said your If anybody has a reason these two should not be wed Yeah Because she's a butt ugly bride

She makes an ugly bride And it's not that I don't like the dress And the makeup Because I actually think that helps a lot of people It's one day that everyone deserves to feel beautiful And you are there So for the wedding hashtag I think we should change it to ugly bride

It already is ugly bride Well then Then we're all on the same page Alright, this lady, Christine, writes My ex and I broke up about six months ago As breakups go, it was pretty mutual And we were both on the same page We decided to stay friends

Which I had no real hope for Assuming it's just something you say to make yourself feel better during the breakup However, in the past six months He's been chatting to me pretty frequently The conversations are usually initiated by him Especially in the beginning We stay away from personal stuff But the conversations are definitely longer and more frequent

Than would be expected among exes Now I've been out of town for the better part of the six months For work and travel and whatever And I know he's casually seeing this other girl Which I'm more or less okay with Because I've kept pretty busy myself If you know what I mean However

That's right However, I know that this girl has to leave town About the same time that I'll be coming back permanently I would be lying if I said I didn't still have at least mixed feelings for him We dated for a long time And there was a lot of good in our relationship Does the fact that he keeps talking to me

Mean that he might have feelings for me too? Or does he just actually want to be friends And likes me as a friend But has no romantic or sexual interest in me at all? Was the girl he was with just a casual rebound? I can't imagine she would be okay Knowing how frequently we've been talking But that's just an assumption

I don't know I don't know Am I reading too much into this? Am I or am I just Is he just being friendly? Is he being normal and I'm being insane? Is he sending me signals in any way? Or am I just taking this way too far?

Help! Love, Christine She did go a little insane towards the end of the email She's got, yeah I don't know I don't know Help! Furious

Oh, I should say that this was typewritten in faxed to us Oh, right I totally forgot we had a fax Yeah, you guys So the email for the show is If I were you show at gmail.com And you want to fax us It's just

212-555-8788 Yeah So we probably check our faxes more Infrequently for sure Just be sure you send a cover page We're out of toner is all So we're out of toner and then fax paper But this is the last one that came in

Do you remember your first experience with the fax? Yeah It was like before the internet It was amazing It still is kind of fucking crazy to me Right But now with email Like email is also crazy

But like the fact that you send images And it prints out of my fax I think that's pretty fucking crazy I guess everything is crazy Oh, yeah Life So Have you ever experienced this

Fuzzy post six months Still talking mixed feelings About the other person? I'm really like A cut and run type of dude You know Yeah, when it's over it's over Yeah

Yeah, I've never hooked up with an ex-girlfriend Right I mean I've like gotten Broken up and gotten back together with One of my like some of my earliest girlfriends But in my In my mature life I've

I've never ever Gone back Right But if this guy is texting Is there a chance he just wants to be friends? I don't think so Right I don't I don't see someone texting

If this is the girl listening I don't see someone texting you And it being completely innocuous Him not wanting to hook up in any way Yeah, for sure It's charged It's loaded It's

There are underlying feelings There is tension there Yeah And also I can sense that you're not entirely okay With his new relationship Because you said Which I'm more or less okay with

And then you also said Is she just a casual rebound? Like how would we know that? You just want her to be a casual rebound So that you feel better So that you can hook up with this guy A little bit more guilt free Right

I think what's happening More or less okay with it I suppose What's happening in my humble opine Is that this guy This guy is sort of doing what I would do Which is I'm not going to make any moves

I'm just going to constantly make myself aware Oh, I'm texting you Hey, how's it going? Oh, I'm doing this I'm making myself available to you Making her aware So that she She can fire the bullet

She can make the move But he's not going to do it He doesn't want to feel guilty about Cheating on this casual maybe thing Right But when in fact Whether you cheated on her because you did it Or because you put yourself in a situation

Like the ends don't justify the means If you cheated on your lady It doesn't matter if you went out actively and pursued it Or if you put yourself in a situation Where you got drunk next to an ex-girlfriend And one thing led to another I guess that's a little bit easier to explain to her Maybe that's what he wants to do

Maybe, yeah Like she's like So how did it happen? Well, we just met up and we got drunk And mistakes happened rather than like So how did it happen? Well, I've actively been pursuing her And I asked her out several times

And she eventually came But I mean like all that other stuff It does come to light in like a really bad way Because she's like Why would you get together with your ex? Like, oh, well, we've kept in touch Let me see your messages Oh my god, you talk to her all the time

You know, like I said before Break up, break up, you know Breaking up is hard to do But it's necessary to Do So Don't Do

What She Did Don't Say What she Said Oh, I

Meant Said Sorry about Your friend Oh, puking again, hold on Related? Any relation to the rap? Specific questions she asked

Does the fact that he keeps talking to me Mean that he might have feelings for me too? Yes Yes Does he actually just want to be friends? Probably not Was the girl that he was with Just a casual rebound?

No She meant a lot to him It still does I can't imagine she would be happy knowing This sounds like a threat Now that I'm reading it again I can't imagine she would be happy Knowing how frequently we've been talking

Brian Yeah, this girl's still like Learning something over his His new girlfriend's head right now You think there's like some You just need to stop thinking about your ex Like if you stop thinking about him Then like all of his reaching out

And like who he's dating And what he's thinking Then you can actually move on She hasn't moved on She's still thinking about him all the time She's obsessing over this dude That she broke up with six months ago Yeah

So live your life Or just get back together with him No Okay Am I reading this too much? Probably not Well, she's not She's not like saying mate

Reading into it She's reading into an appropriate amount Well, yeah, sure I guess to interpret that way You're correct So I'll just say make a decision Either go for it or not Don't live in this gray area

That's what The gray area is what keeps you up at night The gray area is when you're like tossing and turning You don't know what you want You don't know what he wants You don't know if he wants what you want Be honest with yourself first and foremost And then you can be honest with him

But first you have to figure out what you want Right Alright, those are my The two ex-boyfriend-girlfriend questions Let's take a break And we'll be back with more questions After this Especially one in your area

But better help makes that all easy Because it's online therapy Designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable To your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire And get matched with a licensed therapist And you can switch therapists at any time For no additional charge

It's incredibly helpful Therapy has helped millions of people Over thousands of years So give therapy a try It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life I've tried therapy It's been very helpful So you can find that balance

Better with better help All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com If I were you You do that today You can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable Because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere That you have to drive to

And wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online But you're still getting professional licensed help And it's extra affordable That's betterhelphelp.com If I were you Check him out Thanks, Better Help

Thank you to Squarespace For sponsoring this episode of our show Wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace Because it's the best way For dummies like me And potentially you

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To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace And we're back What's up, what's up I posted, or I should say we posted Well, the Head Gum YouTube Posted our London live show Which was set to pictures

Of our London live show Taken by Tom Corbishly Tom, the man A kind of a fun slideshow Retrospective way to listen to A bonus episode that you might Not have listened to yet Relive the night

So that's at YouTube.com Slash Head Gum While you're there, subscribe to our channel Because we're gonna be posting videos From now on, you know Just everyone's in a while We bought lights for the studio We recorded the Bo Burnham episode

We're starting to record other episodes So all those videos for everything Are at Head Gum's YouTube channel We're also traveling very soon Are you okay with that? Actually, not very soon So I think there's a chance You might stay in Los Angeles

For the next couple weeks Unless you have trips I don't even know about I'm going to Utah on September 5th That's close That's at least, yeah It's only one time zone away But our next big trip Is to Toronto at the end of September

Yeah So get your tickets At ifirishow.com And then on October We're going to Minneapolis, Chicago and Detroit Toronto, Minneapolis, Chicago and Detroit Those are some fun cities Those are cold cities

But fortunately, we're going in warm weather times Yeah Well, the leaves have started to change by then I'm gonna email the mayor of Detroit And ask him You just Google it What's that? Never mind

Google the mayor's email address Detroit mayor email Didn't we, like, tweeted a comptroller one time? No, we tried to get the mayor of Austin On Josh Rubin's live podcast Oh I was like, when we were trying to name our LLC Trustfall

And my dad said that we needed, like, this Somebody's, like, office to sign off on it But it was going to take us, like, six weeks Oh, we had to email the comptroller Comptroller Comptroller Oh, man, that's good Should we make a parody about it?

Oh, my God, I think we should What is a comptroller? That's so weird The definition of comptroller is a controller Really? So I'll go out on a limb and say Comptroller, not a necessary word You just added the letter P

And it means what it meant without the P Comptroller That's like saying a tree What does it mean? It's a tree A comptroller Comptroller I love it I love it

We should do it, dude We don't do parodies anymore We haven't written a parody song in a while So we got the YouTube channel for, man Oh, we could do a full music video Full comptroller parody That would be a little off-brand, but not terribly so Anything else we should mention? What happened?

You already talked about your vacation You already talked about your week Well, you didn't really Yeah, but it was fine Yeah, I guess nothing really happened I went, I did get new shoes I guess that was a highlight Worked a lot in this office

Shoes are good Yeah, shoes are right, shoes are tight I'm gonna hold off saying what they are Hopefully they'll send me 50 pairs If we decide that we can mention it on the show That's a good idea And then... You work out this week? You're exercising?

Yeah, yeah Did you get your body right? I've been trying to climb and eat better since Since returning from our European adventure That's great Yeah That's good stuff What about you?

Nantucket is always pretty healthy Because it's all family cooked meals Working out with my bro You do look a little hog fat, I was gonna say What did you get? 40, 45 pounds 48 pounds So you were, where were you before Nantucket?

I was around 160 Now I'm just above 200 And that was in six days A lot of it does honestly look like hog fat Yeah Like, wow I am a swine man It's insane to see somebody put on so much hog fat

In less than a week It's true Because it's been six days Yeah, I'm a pig And your skin is starting to turn a little pink and rubbery I actually have a curly little tail on my ass Yeah, let me see that Here, do you want me to wiggle?

Yeah, you can flick it Okay, so you are just turning into a swine Okay Alright Shit, he's full pig Do you want to try to answer a few more questions? Yeah Do you want to answer one about

Grammas or one about blowjobs? Ooh Why don't we do grammar first and end with a blowjob? Actually, it's the same question Grammas get me in the mood Sorry, it's the same question Awesome Alright, this is a guy

This is a guy Took big tongue tie I go on to talk to Tang The groom himself, John Put your hands together For John You know, John was such a classic groom He, I told him

That he looked exactly Like the groom from the top of the wedding cake Oh, that's funny And he said You know, you're the third person that said that to me And I was like, then I think it's definitely true Well, he just had a nice, classic, all-American look Yeah, he's just an all-American

Dude with a great head of jet black hair Yeah And then John, no H or H? Oh, H Oh, yeah He is a classic man He's got some new age fuckface, John

Like Gabriel or something He's a Harvard man Alright Hey guys, John writes Hey guys, love the podcast Let's start this email with the description of my situation My grandma lives with my mom, my dad and I And she's super nice and laid back

She always knows how to get what she wants My grandma would convince my parents to bring her places Super far when we could have spent time and gas Doing more important things She has a laptop that she uses Just to go on news sites And listens to classical music very loudly This laptop is way faster than mine

And runs the computer games on hers way faster My cousin dropped by And brought this amazing PC That can run my games amazingly But she claimed the computer first Now she has two computers And brags about it to me While I play games that load as slow

As two dead snails fucking on top of Shit that smells like air conditioner That's shit that the air conditioner is emitting She also took the printer that she never uses So my question is How do I at least get one of these things If possible I would like the PC

But anything would be great at this point Thanks again For your advice show and sorry For the longest email ever written Good news buddy when grandma dies You're gonna get all of it You're gonna get the laptop You're gonna get the PC

She has a laptop in a freakin' PC And a printer that she doesn't use She has a compact presario In a 5-in-1 workstation She doesn't know how to scan She doesn't know how to fax It is quite charming that she listens to classical music And browses the news

And I also like the idea of a grandma That sort of trolls her little Her little shit on grandson I claim this computer I can have it right I'm old and frail And then she looks at the sun and winks at him You fucking little piss ant

How are the games going Grandma's gonna fart on your head I don't know what it's like to have a child Let alone the child Your child has a child Like imagine being I've never even been I've never even been proud

I really haven't ever been proud When would I have ever been proud When would I have felt pride of myself When do I feel pride to me What makes me proud Cause I hear parents all the time Being like my child is proud Or I'm proud of my child

I have a proud son He is prideful And I am proud of his pride I am proud of his pride We're the prouds So what the fuck do I... When would I feel pride Like when we

When we finished The Jake and Amir web series Did you feel pride? I'm proud of me I'm proud of me You mean like you never feel proud of somebody else You never when your brother

Like got married You didn't feel proud of him Does it work if somebody's older than you Can you feel proud of your dad Yes Have you felt proud of your dad My dad never But you can't

I feel proud of my mom all the time Now that I'm thinking about it It makes even less sense Are you just happy for them Proud isn't like a condescending feeling Pride is like Joy I don't know what the actual

Dictionary definition of pride is Oh it's just ride Yeah it's pride And you can only have it up to younger people Holy shit You have to be smaller than them If you want to feel pride to them Joy and somebody else's success

A feeling of deep pleasure Derived from one's own achievements Wait Own achievements I guess that's pride The achievements or the achievements of those With whom one is closely associated So you feel pleasure

Based on somebody else's It has to be deep A deep deep pride Anyway How did you even get on to pride Because this question had Nothing to do with pride My grandma has two computers

It made me think about how I don't I can't understand What it's like to have a grandchild I don't even understand what it's like to have a son Let alone my son make a son Anyway this girl's son Made a son and now she's fucking trolling him Which I assume is how I react

But I don't know Maybe this grandma isn't proud enough Of her boy I think grandma doesn't even know how bad You want the computer The question is how does he get At least one of these things He wants the laptop, he wants the PC

I mean she doesn't have like a fucking workstation Does she? If she's on her laptop you can say Hey grandma can I play computer games? No! I'm on the PC Are you playing your laptop? No! Because I'm emailing too

I need my PC, I'm setting up a freaking Land party But I don't want to slow shit down when I'm on the news So I need the laptop, I need the PC I'm sorry I think you could probably just ask her Yeah, what about Asking your parents

That way it's like Mommy and daddy said that I get to use the PC Actually They live with them so they make the rules Grandma I feel like we're both their kids In some fucking weird way I'm sorry, it's like you're my older sister

And uh, yeah What they say goes Their house, their rules As long as we're under their roof Give me your fucking laptop You old hag! I don't think of age differences Like a positive or not, minus

We're both equidistant from my parents And we both have to listen to them Based on that age difference Can I use your printer? First and foremost I'd like to print a banner Let me print a fucking banner Grandma, you're, get off me

You're hurting me, grandma Alright, I'm afraid you'll have to talk to her Yeah Ugh, the worst God, talk to your grandmother Alright, last question About blowjobs Below J's

This one's interesting, ready? Oh, one last guy's name Frankie! Frankie, right? I got an issue that I would like the solution to As opposed to the other kind Where you don't care about the solution Definitely not a deal breaker

But my fiance doesn't like to swallow So, as you can imagine Blowjobs aren't a regular occurrence Or really doesn't happen at all Outside of foreplay She wasn't very experienced in that area When we started dating She's gotten better

But I'd still love a surprise BJ to completion every now and then We've openly talked about the subject And my fantasy of road head She just has an aversion to swallowing How do I change her mind So that I can seize the cheese? Uh, Frankie

Why do you care if she's swallow? Isn't that an interesting thing The did she swallow thing? I remember that used to be a real Big question We would ask in high school As far as your job The blowjob is complete

And then it's like, yeah, but where does she Put the semen? Did she spit it out or did she swallow the semen? Like, as far as your dick is concerned The blowjob is over Yeah, I mean It seems like this is two different issues One is blowjob to completion

And the other is swallowing I mean, it's a fetish, I guess Some people think swallowing is hot Oh, like, yeah I mean, you can't really That's a huge ask That's the most sexual thing I'm not even sure I think swallowing is hot anymore

Because then it's like I wouldn't do that Hey, I didn't ask you to do that That's probably the case You didn't have to do that And then it's empty calories Why don't we just have rice cakes And then there's the

Like, I don't know Yeah, it is a little, I don't know Maybe it's like an age thing as we grow older It becomes less and less sexy But it is like the stigma or stereotype Around swallowing is that it's hot Like you ask and then The bragging thing is saying

Yeah, she swallowed Right, which is so weird I don't get it, really But Can you ask somebody to swallow? No, don't do that I mean, you could Maybe say that like, I think

It's really hot when people do And then see if that like Influences them to give it a shot But I think It doesn't matter Like if you really want to blowjob to completion There's no rule that she has to swallow Your cum

That is the ultimate completion So like if she runs to the bathroom And then I get to watch as you shit it out Later Incomplete! She did not make a full Football motion I am not counting that Let's go to the replay

She drooled it It is an incomplete stash Um She's gotten better But I'd love a surprise BJ to completion Every now and then You do Like people, I think

Who stay in long relationships Have less oral sex, you know Going both ways Right, because once you have sex It feels like blowjob is a step back In a way In the bases, blowjob isn't A home run

Yeah, I guess it's like You know, when you're in a relationship Who has the time, let's just get to the point Let's get to the part where both of us are happy I think you Could Aside from the discussion Which it sounds like you guys have already had

You should just start Surprise going down on her every once in a while You reintroduce Oral sex into your relationship The way that you know how And then she will Likely step up And you know, match your efforts

This guy said there's no way in hell I'd ever go down on my fiance It's gross down there That's classic And I want her to swallow the cloudy juice Fuck She has to taste it Imagine that

Yeah, I mean it's not appealing But you like the way a vagina tastes That's true Just try to picture I wonder what the percentage There's probably no census or statistics Or average on this Of swallow versus spit

But it's gotta be like, what would you guess 20% over under 20% swallow 20 to 25% That's awesome, let me again Email the mayor of Detroit Do you remember the first question we had Or should I just go straight into the good stuff

Yeah, just this one Just the how many loads Oh yeah, as a PS afterwards So I'll be like When do the leaves Turn autumnal Orange or yellow When does the sky catch fire

In your fair city PS Of all the loads that hit a throat How many slide all the way down What does your wife do Oh PPS If you have an Airbnb in the Detroit area

I'd love to get some recommendations about that Of course Perfect Alright, cool, the end Those are the four questions Much like Passover, the four questions are over Oh, I love that Jake is the youngest child

So it is at the end of every episode Jake sings the four questions from the Passover story If you have your own questions Your own theme song Your own anything The email address for all of that is if I were to show At gmail.com The opening one was written by

Tony Patty And this closing one is really sweet It's written and performed by Abbey and Steph Thanks Abbey and Steph And thanks to you guys for listening We'll be back Soon enough Soon enough

I've been boned a couple times But I'm the tinctur addict Can't get it off my mind So should I just keep swiping Make this dumb hole mine Oh and did I mention A boner since the first one time Dear if I were you

Show I'm in a sticky situation I've written you this email That's in need of some attention I'm off to college in the fall I can't make up my mind I should keep my boyfriend Please help me to decide I guess he's got some good points

Big dick for a star But will he stay faithful Or go and break my heart Then there's the college guys I think they'd see me right Maybe his dick's not that big Could try freshers one night Then there's option C

He'd never have to know What I do when I'm away So who the hell I bone Dear if I were you Show I'm in a sticky situation I've written you this email That's in need of some attention