If I Were You - 231: Prostitution

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

In this episode we discuss parties, balloons, and sleeping with coworkers.This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I just sucked your dick for over a year and y'all I'm trying to look at you guys, you guys are double B Which is just a good side to me, I'm sure And now go join the baseball team, or get out of my glove And what do you like to do? I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick

I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick

I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I sucked your dick I just sucked your dick I just sucked your dick Ok guys, check this out

Here lying on the floor Just staring at the ceiling No, really quick Wow Were those all quotes from the show? It was quotes from it I were you yeah There was no like, Jake and the Mere video quotes in there? Nah, I think it was like Thomas and Ben and Yes dudes and Us Are Talking

I think so That's cool Yeah Good shit Thats was written and directed by Toby Bishop if you do use it, please shout out my Twitter Should we charge him or should we go for it? Let's go for it because we use the song so I know I think God You I think we have him on the hook though rat you absolute rat. Let me see if I can get him to Venmo me even

500 bucks to move on with the show and so you want to like what put this whole entire Let's do it. Yeah, let's take a break for like a day at most because he's in London. We might be asleep No, it's at Toby y Sam T-O-B-Y-Y-S-A-M And Sam because on his Twitter He's gonna be posting the SoundCloud link to the track there and similar comedy rap beats in the future So that's very very he's a good businessman. So he's like saying You can follow me on Twitter and then he's incentivizing it by saying their actual song that you just heard will be there plus in addition to that

Similar comedy rap beats smart smart man. So thanks Toby Bishop for creating that Techno version of the Jurassic Park. He said it was based on Ben Schwartz's Impression of a Jurassic Park guy at our London live show. I remember that London live show still on headcum's YouTube page You can watch it set to photos of Tom Corbish Lee. You're a good businessman. Thank you. And then like I said Please please please give me money and cash for I want because I'm trying to figure out ways to not take advantage of people We're recording this now, but I know like just five minutes ago in this podcast

We've already shilled our company out for money Yeah, you know some ad sponsor and then and now you're saying we're five minutes into the show and I want you're making another request I'm stopping you also yet during the beginning of the show You were you were saying that you wanted cash from somebody before you promoted his Twitter? Yeah, and then in the next sentence you promoted our headcum YouTube channel I'm saying follow us. Give us cash back and forth ten minutes into the show roughly and it's all been Promotions asking for cash talking about the two-minute ad read in the beginning. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so it's all cash I'll cash promotion self-promotion you asking people for cash and then this recap

This recash Which recaps wreaks havoc on the cash flow that I don't have thank you so much for listening to if I review This is the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir and I am Jacob Penkooper her with social security number one five five three one Does it matter? I guess does it? Like what can you do with your name and social security my so sh. Yeah, I don't know well that I'm not Let's say you what does thieves do with Amir Schmuel Blumenfeld six four nine eight nine. How do you know mine?

How do you have it committed to such memory? I actually I memorized it to to get your goat What's that? I do know your social security number and it's just to get my goat to get your goat just to like Needle me. Mm-hmm, and it's like I don't really know what you can do with it Oh, yeah, but I'll always know it. Yeah, you can't force somebody to forget. Mm-hmm because once they have it They have it forever. Oh, yeah, baby. Do you know my phone number? Do you actually know my phone number? I don't know it off the top of my head. No if you were to just guess it What would you guess? I would guess it was eight one eight five three zero One one

Okay, the numbers are definitely within that but not in the right order and then also some of the numbers are wrong. Okay. Yeah Okay, yeah, I think I know your number you do. Yeah, is it I'll I'll know we're live-streamed the beginning of this I was gonna say it's really dangerous. What if I get it fucking right? Wow, she's not it's not close. It's okay. I Am getting No, you're okay, you're okay. I had to um, oh, you know what I had to change my number anyway Just harassed by a gaggle of tweenagers My niece and her little shit friends have been fucking trolling her uncle and her shit boyfriend He's 38, so he's sort of putting him up to it. That's enough. All right, sorry. I

apologize All right, the we have some questions here that we need to answer these as always are real questions from real people Gonna give them fake names just to preserve some level of anonymity, baby I've got a great great idea for fake names this episode Okay, today is the one-year anniversary party that we're having at head gum, right? It's been the one-year anniversary. We've had head gum for a little over exactly a year So let's name this after podcast. Okay, then with us the original cruise Over a year. Okay, so let's get a lady podcasters name. This is why you were single

Mm-hmm use Laura or Angela. How about we call her Laura Angela? Yeah, Laura Angela. Yeah, like Maya Angelou, but Laura cool Hey, you coy diva roaches. Here's my dilemma. I've never really dated anyone before at uni I somehow always just end up going straight to fucking guys, especially my friends Hey, I fucked one of them on and off for the whole four years. I was a student. I also fucked one of my Co-workers, I think mainly because there wasn't anyone else around and now I've met a guy who I've gone on a handful of dates with We've seized the cheese and I and what I sometimes catch myself thinking is I've had better He didn't even go down on me for Christ's sake

Also, I think I might be becoming attracted to another co-worker. Am I now scum? Shall I just keep fucking dudes? I do think it's time. I actually gave dating ago. Tota love you two Jews Laura Angelou Laura Angela am I scum now am I a scum for that am I scum? It's hard because did I become a scum then there is a weird stigma for Having sex a lot, but if you just replace sex with like tennis Is it you nobody would say you're scum for playing tennis with a lot of that metaphor because tennis is just as fun As sex and everyone comes yeah, and there's love involved and balls

Yeah, and and Andy Murray's good at it. So why is there a negative stigma around sleeping with a lot of people? Why is it considered scummy? I Think cuz a lot of haters can't make it happen. So they got a hate on it Oh, so like it's it's rooted in jealousy. Do you think I don't know? I wonder I mean now it feels like it's like rooted in religion or Well, yeah, whatever. I think it all I think everything sort of stems from jealousy. Doesn't it? I don't know Do you negatively? If somebody's like I slept with 500 people would you be like that's not good?

I don't think I would say that's not good, but I think I judge people in other ways like If I found out that someone slept with someone who I thought was like a piece of shit Then I would be like oh, that's gross, but it actually doesn't matter that much, right? So I why does she feel like scum? I guess because society projects an unfair Judgment on women who are more promiscuous though. I wouldn't even call sleeping with a Friend and a co-worker very promiscuous. Yeah, what if this is everybody? What if this is the full recap? Yeah, I mean I think it I don't think it really matters. I don't think that she should feel like she's scum She's not scum, but she'll she keep fucking dudes. Is there anything to waiting? Is there anything to dating?

You could date and fuck there's no rules You don't have to like do one thing and not do another you can like fuck your friends But also go out on dates and then maybe if you really start to like somebody then you'll stop fucking your friends But if you still want to fuck your friends then maybe you shouldn't date anybody very seriously just do whatever you want Nothing nothing. I mean as long as you're not hurting anybody pure heart rule, baby Yeah, nobody's getting negatively affected, right? If anything you're making people excited because they like sleeping with people Yeah, but isn't there some sort of drawback to sleeping with a bunch of people sounds awesome to me. I Guess if you're doing it in a healthy safe way, and if you're not using it to like replace. I don't know like real

a Deeper level of happiness like if you're just trying to have sex with people to get temporary joy And then it goes away and then it ends up digging you into a deeper hole of sadness But I need to project that narrative on her Yeah, I feel like that's a narrative that's projected on women when they're sleeping with a lot of people It's like, oh, what void are you trying to fill? Don't don't use sex to like gain a better connection to somebody like you should be waiting for sex Right, no one ever says that to a guy that's fucking a lot. Yeah, they're not like what are you trying to like?

Are you can't find a you can't lock someone down? Why are you using sex as a crutch to make happiness? I don't think that I don't think that's No, I completely Disagree with that premise. So shall I just keep fucking dudes or should I give dating a go? You can do both Keep fucking dudes and give dating a go Dating involves fucking dudes. So I've read that good luck I think it's nice. It's always nice to like not fuck too many of your friends because then it might make your friendships Weird and I think friends are something that's like yeah a

Fulfilling aspect of your life that you can't easily you can't easily replace Friends as easily as you can replace Dudes that you're fucking. Yeah, why don't if you want to fuck less dudes Why don't you the first rule should be don't fuck? Co-workers and then maybe don't fuck friends and then things will the very least get less complicated at working co-workers is kind of fun So let's but let's cap it it to You can fuck two co-workers It's like the World Cup soccer team under 23 of you can have three exceptions

So don't fuck any co-workers, but you can choose three that you do. I like that. I like that a lot Yeah, but fucking I don't know I'm pretty anti fucking co-workers I'm totally pro Which is weird cuz here's just three dudes hanging out and you fuck both of them. Yeah, I don't know just when I'm at work I try I can't I don't want the stickiness of sexy stuff to follow me into the office place I think it probably matters the size of your office and the size of your peen. Yeah, or the the depth of your V Yeah It feel like yeah if it's a bigger company then it's then it's a little easier if we did it here

It'd be really uncomfortable because there's only four of us in the office. Yeah You're just blowing Marty when we get here. What are they right? Marty's blowing me. That's awesome, dude. Trust that Trust that's really cool. All right. Yeah And maybe you should give dating ago Maybe you'll like it even more than sleeping around with a bunch of people who knows only you but you're not scum So don't worry about that Laura Angelo All right, here's another question, but it's from a guy. Oh This one can be from

Twin Ovesh Jeff Dave and Mike and Mike and Nick Jeff Dave Mike Nick writes I'm a junior in high school from Chicago and my best friend and I have been creating a t-shirt brand and it's going Swimmingly however, we needed funding in order to print the shirts and we were struggling in finding donations This is good because it's a hustle just like the Twin Ovation guys. It's perfect while I was out of town my friend was talking to some of our wealthy acquaintances and ends up talking to a girl we met at a party to see if she wanted to pitch in very weird girl

Never stopped staring at me the entire time I found out that she likes me and that she began auctioning me off so to speak saying a dinner date with me would cost $270 a hookup would cost $470 and she agreed to fund the entire thing $1,300 if I would go down on her and she could blow me when he confronted me about it I was blown away by the fact that he didn't consult me at all since I'm very unattracted to this girl I agreed reluctantly But my question is should I really go through with it for the sake of our business and would it be considered selling myself?

I'm not attracted and I'm not a stranger to fooling around. I'm sorry I'm not attached and I'm not a stranger to fooling around any advice would be great your fan Dave Mike Jeff Nick so wait just to be clear the friend is the one that started the on the auction Yeah, he's like hey you can fuck my friend for $1,300 or it wasn't the girl that was like Let me blow your friend for $1,300 well the girl agreed to it both parties seem to agree with but the friend is the one That put it put his friend Is the friend that is the one that's pimping his friend out. Yeah, exactly I guess says would it be considered selling myself? That's the definition of yes, you're you put prices on things on your body

You said she could blow you for $1,300 But you know everything has a price selling yourself. Is it like so bad? It's just selling yourself for $1,300 might be oh, so you're saying if she gave you more cash, it would be fine if it was a million dollars then yeah, you know You're right. I guess it's I'm saying right that I understand not that I agree It's early enough high school your high school t-shirt business. I guess like It sounds like you have a more viable business just fucking people that you don't want to yeah Selling shirts and start just blowing yeah getting blown just become a prostitute. Yeah that way you don't have to worry about like Brand awareness and you get you got to be blown blown a lot

It is prostitution or is it is it that the word for it prostitution paying someone for sexual favors? Yeah, so it seems illegal The fact that you're under 18 for whatever reason makes it feel extra illegal What you can do here's the gray area here a dinner date would cost $270 that's just That's you're not even doing anything sexual. You're just going to dinner with someone and she's paying 270 I'd go to dinner four times rather than getting blown once I feel it just feels like you shouldn't accept that money You should just go out to dinner with her and this is how business works you you you you you favors and

This is not like Ponzi schemes where you like pray it you pray on weak vulnerable people to give you money That's not like business works like oh you make you make a great t-shirt Then they give you money and they've they've gotten something and you've gotten something yeah But like this praying on people's loneliness and sadness doesn't really I'm trying to figure out why that feels less Morally Epicuous, it's like what's the equivalent a TV ad? for example a commercial that shows a dad giving his

Daughter McDonald's and then you're like oh, that's a very sweet commercial. Maybe I'll go to McDonald's I feel like it's that level is that worse not is that is that praying on people's insecurities? It's like oh, don't you want to be a better daddy get your kid McDonald's I mean indirectly I guess it is it's it's like It's causing you to associate McDonald's with familial love. Yeah, exactly connecting with your daughter But this is just literally saying to to an unattractive lonely person. I'll hang out with you for cash and I think you could argue by saying you know like business is an exchange of goods or products that somebody desires For if we're money, you know money for experience in this case

But I think we all know that this is on its face a little Depraved a little depressing and a little manipulative all right. You can't get around it forget the TV commercial thing fundraising dinners you pay $2,000 a plate and the money goes to The event and then also to the charity. Yeah, I mean this is a real one-on-one There's options. We've participated in auctions where we auctioned off an experience with us and it was a blowjob Yeah, how are you? What are you? What's this 180 all of a sudden? I'm saying No matter how you spin it you can't come back and tell me that this guy going down on this girl for

$1,300 I didn't say that I didn't say that he's fine going down him taking her out to dinner Yeah juniors in high school. She's gonna pay him $250 to 70. Don't short-change. Who's paying for the dinner? Don't think that it comes out of the 270 sweetheart. Yeah, that's on top. That's cream on the top I'm gonna make my case by just not saying anything again. That's the sauce So go ahead you you make you make a case for this guy robbing Robbing robbing not robbing not robbing. Here's a question 270 we've already decided is morally sound good to go go for it. I think we could both agree on that A hookup is 470 suddenly. That's a little gray. What do we do? Am I kissing? That's a little weird. What's in between?

Let's figure out. What's 370 a Hug good night. It's like watching a movie after dinner. That's nice actually So dinner movie sit next to Netflix is 370 Netflix and chill 1380 that chill is gonna cost you. Yeah, the chill costs you $930 extra. Okay, don't do this my suggestions do it a little bit just a little bit just a little bit Go for the dinner mung But make sure that you get the 270 on top of the dinner Don't go Dutch. Don't do this. That's not a time to be chill risk, bro

All right, let's now is the time to be chill for us and take her out to dinner Don't accept the money another pre-approved question We need a guy's name Black men can't jump Jara James and John the Jays Hey pals, so recently I was invited to my friend's 21st birthday party, which I immediately promised to attend The only problem is I just found out my other much closer friend is having a 20th birthday party at the same time I would just show up to one leave a little early and then head over to the other

Except one of the parties is pretty far out of town. So I don't think that can happen Both parties seemed like smaller get-togethers just for good friends So I feel like I would be making some sort of statement by skipping one for the other How do I navigate the situation? Should I do what I said? I would and go to the first party which admittedly sounds like it would be more fun or do I go to the second party for someone who is one of my best friends and dearest closest friends and How do I tell the person whose party I don't go to I love all my buddies and I don't want to make them feel like I Don't care about them. Huh the two-party rule

Yeah, also, what's the title of the or what the subject of this email because I thought it was really funny my gay ass in a party pickle I think this person has a specific answer that he wants us to give he wants to go to the much closer friend The problem is when the better once he wants to go to the better party. Yeah, not the closer friend Oh, he said my closer friend is having the 20th right. He wants to go to the one that he already Committed to he wants to go to the cool party and then his his best friend is having a lame party And he's like I don't want I already committed to this other one, right? I Think the answer is that you go to your best friends and you don't have to let the other person down because you were

They don't care as much right so the question is yeah instead of saying which one will you have a better time at the question? Is which one would you feel worse for skipping? Yeah, which no is harder to give. Yeah, well, that's that's the nice sympathetic way Because it's saying I don't care about my wants and needs I'm saying which one will make my friends little least happy So if it will make your friends sad to go to somebody else's party Then you want to go to your friends party But if you want to just maximize your joy you go to the one that you want to go to But if making your friends sad makes you sad suddenly you're not maximizing your joy at all because his sadness is affecting your sadness

So what you really should do is give less of a shit about your friends that way you can be more selfish Go to the party you want to go to it doesn't negatively affect you at all your friend is sad Whatever he'll get over it. You're kind of a sociopath You're having a fucking great a time at the better party and then say sorry, bro I already committed to the better party. Is it just me? Are you doubling down on being a real jerk this podcast I'm going for I don't know If it's the coffee soilet that I had or what but I'm the coffee is that you butchered on the way up here I'm feeling myself

Yeah, it's ultimately which one will make you like if you really don't care about your friend Then don't go to that party, but if you care about your friend, then you probably have to go to his party Yeah, it seems like you care about the friend What do you do when you're stuck in between two parties? I Usually find a way to do both right or you do the thing we're like hey, I'm gonna go to this party I'll try to make it out to your party Then you text at 1139 and be like hey, yeah still going on he responds at 1211 you respond at one shit

I totally forgot let me make it up to you. I got to take you out to dinner this week Yeah, but like I gotta take you out to dinner this week. This is the cool kid at the party I don't like who's who hey who is this? No, don't worry about it. Dude me you in a fucking lasagna for three You were not supposed to be invited to my party by the way was I not shit me All right Should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a break and we'll be back with more questions after these This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult

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HELP comm slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show Wow for years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and Potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude

Com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace

Welcome back Minneapolis, Chicago and Detroit. We should get that out of the way right quick. We're going to these fine cities in October That's correct. We purchased our plane tickets. So we're definitely at the very least Attending those dates. Is this our first ever Midwest podcast run? I want to say yes. It is we haven't gone there since we did CH live with Streeter back with Streeter We should we should find a way to get Streeter to come to these cities I would fucking love to he has a job and a son. So I know if we get rid of one of those two things even for the week even

God, I feel like even lumping in his son to something we could get rid of is no, I'm just yeah, I'm thinking out loud don't Not like obviously not nothing permanent, but like a a quick four-day Oh, if you just babysat his kid then me and Streeter could do it Well, that's I actually awesome. Let me text him that would give me yeah, he's down How did you text that fast your babysitting? How did he respond? You have the babysit little Streeter now? Oh, what if it's me you and Streeter babysitting the baby three men and a baby on the road? That's now that's a fucking pitch so Streeter is in a steering wearing a baby Bjorn on stage

That actually is a pretty fun comedy show Cable pitch, okay, so we're rebooting maybe digital three men and a baby, but they're traveling comedians Okay, so it's not a gritty reboot. It's just a read. It's a silly read It's a silly reboot of three men and a baby where we're comedians slash podcasters on the road So it's me you one of us has a kid. Yeah, I'll take care of the little kid right baby Streeter We're having where we can't change the diaper for the life of us tickets are on sale show.com Let's just choose one at random and say it's almost sold out Chicago is almost sold out

Yeah, so move fast so get get them all they get them all you can those good. Those are gonna be fun shows We don't have any more questions, but if we Know anybody who can search through our email. Oh It is me. I Am the game boy. Wow. I have come to play my game. Oh my gosh So what do you do game boy? I choose a word at random You search for the word and we read the question. Oh Game boy always sounds like he's about to nut game boy always is nut. He's on the game boy edges himself

All right, do you have a word to start us off? Oh I didn't think that for a head You've stumped the game boy. I said it's the only thing you're good for it's like telling a blender All right start. He's like whoa, you've stumped me Cashew what cashew? Like the nut That's pretty good actually. Oh Yeah, I want a good one

It's called should I ask out my chiropractor, which would have been a nice word to search as well great Guys name John Gabriel's John Gabriel's of the high and mighty show. I Wanted to shout out Gabriel's recently did an episode where he's talked about general so's chicken for an hour It's you haven't quite listened to a high and mighty until you heard Gabriel's and another foodie Zach Brooks who's actually has another podcast on our network talk about general so's so's chicken for close to an hour straight And they both love it

They love it and then they hated certain things about it and then they talked about the history of it and what they like about it and What it should taste like and what color it should be and stuff like that. Wow Very minute very podcast II listen to that episode. That's my recommendation John John John Gabriel's rights a few weeks ago my girlfriend and I broke up after a year and a half We were running on fumes for the last few months and I had seen it coming for a little while It was tough to have actually have it actually end but deep down I knew it was for the best to add injury to insult that same day. I threw out my back I've done it before and I knew a chiropractor could fix it

I found one in my office and I made an appointment right away in my physical pain would soon be gone and things were looking up Things started looking sky-freaking high when I arrived and saw my chiropractor was both cute and around my age I'm 24 a pleasant surprise for sure. You know, it's even more pleasant her. We hit it off immediately She is sharp funny my favorite kind of lady. She's easy to talk to we have similar tastes in movies and similar interests in playing sports And hiking we've bonded over past Halloween costumes I was quail man and as a redhead she was a ginger ninja How long was this session? I feel it's a genuine connection and I would ask her out in any other circumstance and because I won't be your patient anymore

I don't think there's any ethical dilemma by simply asking however I'm hesitant because I'm stumbling into what appears to be a ridiculously perfect setup right after I got out of a relationship I can't help but thinking the other shoe is about to drop or am I reading too much into this as I try to move on What do you think should I ask out my chiropractor? I'm a tid timid mouse myself, and I can't think of two better guys to help me out I'd say three, but you know what Kobe? You can't stay on the court. You won't make a peep on the podcast It's time to start earning your keep. You're embarrassing yourself. Sorry Kobe. He didn't mean that man. Doof. Doof. Doof Thanks for the assist guys. Oh

Says best of luck on your pilot. This was written. Oh before Thanks, man Well, you know So that was written in June of 2015. Oh Dear I hope you already asked her out because obviously respond and say did you ever ask a your car nice follow-up up? So what do you think would you ask out some would you be too afraid to get into something great right after your relationship? No, well cuz he's he's think he's overthinking it. He's thinking that like this is so good It's gonna be a new relationship, but like that's not where your head should be at your head should be at

I'm single. I like this person. Let's ask her out. Let's see how it goes, right? You're not gonna like I Think maybe when you're in a bad relationship for a long time and somebody seems cool You like invent in your head that it's going to be perfect because it's not your last relationship, right? but the truth is like all relationships have their flaws and You're not necessarily gonna just jump right into this dream girl because she had a silly Halloween costume and likes hiking You know, there's other there's other things to consider It seems like a win-win because the two options are you go after it and she is your dream girl and this is perfect You're not gonna regret that and two you go after her. She's not your dream girl, but now you're single again

Which is what you wanted in the first place. Yeah, so she's a dream girl. That's great. She's not a dream girl That's fine. You have she has no leverage you'll you'll be happy either way Yeah I think the the thing the takeaway for me is your single be single you ask people out the end That's how it goes. Man a hot chiropractor. That sounds great. Totally and you could throw your back out as much as you want How does Kyra is chiropractor like how do you become that? Is it like a? Non-medical med school like a one-year thing. Yeah, I think you have to like take Courses, but I don't think you have to go you don't have to be a doctor, right?

And is it like how medical does it get or is it just like let me stretch you out or do this? It feels kind of like it could get as medical as they as it can get or you know, it could just be a Hack that didn't feel like taking a real estate again. It's like I'll just do chiropractor right crack crack There's definitely quack cracks out there. Nice. Thanks, dude But then there's also like real back. What's it called when you're a real back doctor if you're performing like spinal surgery? Is that still a chiropractor? No, I don't if you're performing surgery your surgeon So you're not there's no chiropractors that are also doctors Maybe there are

But I don't think but like we both don't know I mean There oh chiropractic is alternative medicine So Maybe that's the big difference there Alternative medicine versus real medicine What else is an alternative medicine now? Acupuncture different podcast which is for the rabbit hole. Do we ever do the rabbit hole? No, we should do that We should we got to get Mike to this would be a perfect start of it chiropractor and then alternative medicine

And then there's all this stuff. Remember. I did this the Frade Ayurvedic medicine mean anything to you, of course not Osteopathy, I mean, it's all good because it's all new when you're all high and you're all learning Yeah, I think it should not be hard to convince Mike to get stoned and host this show Congrats to Mike on getting engaged though. Yeah, big ups big ups to mama bear and Sarah who now becomes Papa bear I think that's how it works. Yeah. All right. Let me search something the game boy as I as I too can play the game When you said cashew, I wanted to say milk. Hmm. There's probably a lot of milk I

What about helium? Oh, very nice you Actually, thank you very much Thank you actually, thank you very very much. I do appreciate that Coming from the game boy. That means a lot. Thanks, man. That's actually enough of Saying like wow, I I take back the compliment. Let me take you out to lunch or something I was looking at my email and I don't even remember what I said Oh, so what I do you said good work. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Go ahead

I want to take you to lunch though. Just give me the cash for it. Awesome So I can still tell people. All right guys name my mother. What's that my mother? All right. Oh, this is a girl anyway, Laura Hurwitz. Perfect Lozie chair check it out Jake's mom reading Her stories short stories. Sometimes I'm on it Laura Hurwitz writes First of all, I went into a gypsy themed store and asked the guy working there jokingly, of course

If he was a gypsy, he said no and I quickly responded in the same deadpan voice So no crystal ball or nothing. He said no again and I finished the joke with well, geez That's the only reason I came in it was funny to me But I think my tone of voice may have seemed a little too unbelievable to him because he was legit sad after that After that I went outside and I'm at a festival So there's loads of helium balloons tied to posts all over the place. I thought it'd be fun to suck the helium out I know I'm a college kid, but I ain't no grown-up. Well, some lady noticed one of the balloons all deflated and got upset at me I guess I didn't register in my mind that random decorations at a festival might actually belong to somebody

I said I'm sorry, but in a high-pitched helium voice So it just made the situation funnier to me, which made the lady more upset It's not like I went out and punched someone or purposefully stole something I shamed some guy for not being a gypsy and ruined some ladies balloon. What is that? Uh, I mean who does that who does that? Well, I don't know I'm still having trouble feeling totally sorry because it's still a pretty funny thing in my mind So I need your points of view am I being a total kick in the dick for ask acting this way I'm not one to be mean or cause trouble, but I will do things for the sake of humor

Usually it's harmless, but is this too far make fun of me all you want because you guys are hysterical Thank you guys or men or mateys or whatever love Laura Hurwitz Toda mother That's pretty funny. Yeah. Oh, I think that's all in fun funny. I think that like You probably should have stopped with the gypsy joke Because I guess that's a little racist. Oh, right because gypsies are like technically Transient peoples from Romania, I think Another thing for the the rabbit hole podcast. Yeah, what's a gypsy?

Secondly the helium pitch. Have you ever done the helium thing balloon thing? Yeah. Yeah, you have mm-hmm for some reason I never I never did that. I don't know. It kind of scares me. Oh, we're having a party today. I want to give it a shot. I Just feel like I could get stuck that way. Oh, yeah, I have a cousin. Yeah still talks like that You huffed one balloon and he never looked back. Yeah, the super high-pitched voice before So is there a chance is there a chance you just you're thinking of a five-year-old female cousin? Very good chance. Yeah My little cousin Sophia. I'm having trouble feeling totally. Sorry. I Think you're fine. I think this is a fine situation It sounds a little bit of a dickling. Yeah back-to-back as tough like if it was one instance

Then I'd be like oh, whatever. Yeah, but it's funny that she offended a A shopkeeper and then went out and offended a I guess someone who owned a balloon. Yeah, this is like The beginning of a curb episode like he's sort of walking around being himself Unknowing people but it didn't really escalate to a hilarious point So we we don't have to keep keep on going with this one. Don't beat yourself up over it Yeah, it doesn't sound like you are anyway We just pay attention to how other people are reacting to your jokes because you don't want to go too far down down the hole of

You know just making yourself laugh. Yeah, but I've done that before I've like tried to dick myself out of a joke by Doubling down and tripling down and then quadrupling down and just gets worse and worse and worse. Yeah, you walk away Totally, it's a bad situation to be in. Yeah We have time for one more question. Yes, let's do it. All right We needed a we need a word Uh The Game Boy oh You're searching your own name. Yeah, you're searching the Game Boy the Game Boy

Chooses the word Rhinoceros, it's pretty good. Thank you two questions and one we've already answered the Game Boy is one again Rhinoceros is a guy a mailman We'll call him Jake Hurwitz Thank you writes. I'm a single guy in Toronto and I've had a couple of questions I think you can help me out with but first let me give you some context I've been out of relationship for almost a year now and I finally met a girl that I've been getting along with she's funny and Quirky and we have a lot of the same interest, but here's the problem. She drinks a lot

Pretty much every time she's in a situation where it's appropriate to have a drink She's decides to have four to five and tells me that she's drunk almost every other day. She was 20 years old student I'd think it makes sense, but we're 26 and she's taking shots and getting hammered at home or the brother at 11 a.m. On a Sunday, I'm not a reserved person either. I love getting hammered with my friends who doesn't but I'm noticing she drinks very often Do you think this girl has a legitimate drinking problem? Or am I just being a rude prude dude? Have you ever dated someone or hung out with a girl that you think or slash know how to drinking or drug problem? Should I lose the boozer am I being a loser? I'm seeing her again in a few days and I think everything else about her is awesome

I like her a lot, but I can't get it out of my head that she's nearing alcoholism Thanks in advance for helping me out of this pinch He guys can't wait to see you guys come to Toronto. Where was rhinoceros? Can't wait to see you guys come to Toronto then he said Gameboy phrases boner chief floral rhinoceros Wow So he cheated but not that much. It's almost more impressive. Yeah, I'll take it He guessed a word in a dictionary that you did too Dealing with someone that drinks too much. Hmm. Yeah, I've been there. I've been that person as well Yeah, we should ask the people you've dated

Because that actually might hurt my feelings when you laughed it just reeked of whiskey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's 109 I love whiskey. Yeah, love the way it tastes and I love the way it makes me feel Okay, so What'd you do about this lady? Oh? Fucking party with her It's funny because like half that have to half of me is like Listen, you don't have to be with someone who's like this and then half of me is like well If you really like this person, why don't you help her get out of this situation? Well, I mean every I mean at what point?

Do you say this person's not for me? And at what point do you say let me try to help and it seems like it's also on the cusp like I don't think it's actually alcoholism I think she just likes to I mean a lot of people Like to drink that much. Yeah, but I love every other day 11 a.m. On a Sunday That's he said taking shots and getting hammered at home with her brother 11 a.m. On a Sunday, you know 26 I've done that shit when I was 26. Oh, I'm not an alcoholic. I just I guess maybe no I guess maybe no, we just found out there's I don't think that's alcoholism Yeah, I mean there's like probably like it's a gray area, right?

Like some people drink all the time some people say they drink all the time and it's actually four times a week Some people drink alone. So people drink during the day. There's like different signs And there's no like yes, it is or no it isn't right. I think it's up to I guess I have no idea I know I don't know enough about alcoholism to say who is and who isn't it's all relative Like if she drinks too much for you, even if she's not technically an alcoholic it might be too much Then I don't want to say that and it's like relax. It's not that big of a deal and she what if she has it is actually an alcoholic It's a very dangerous question What we should do is say look up what it means to be an actual alcoholic

See if she displays a lot of the symptoms and then adjust accordingly If you want to help her out of the situation go for it If you want to just cut and run and say listen, we've only been out going been going out for so long This isn't not this is a bad situation, but technically not my problem. You can do that, too Yeah, I think you have it I think you got to hang out with her more to to really see how much she drinks and how big of a problem it is It sounds to me It sounds more like she drinks too much for you

but not necessarily that she drinks so much that she needs to have an intervention, right and Here's a bit of bad advice Try to match her shot-for-shot suddenly you're getting blastered obliterated and then she has to take care of you She can't be that drunk She's got to be the sober one in the relationship and then if you fucking drown yourself even more She'll start to feel bad and she'd like maybe this guy's an alcoholic. Oh my god. Am I an alcoholic intervention? Yeah, maybe we can go to we can get better and healthier together We'll do it at the same time suddenly she feels like she's motivating herself and you at the same time

Everything seems to be trending up and then hopefully you don't develop an actual addiction to the poison that you're drowning your body in So remember that bad advice. Yeah, so don't do that. Don't do that. Okay. Don't do that. All right That's it that's it we're out of time. Thanks so much for listening to this episode everybody we got through six question I think that might be a record. Wow good for us We're gonna be in Toronto At the end of September Tickets are at fire you show comm as well as Minnesota, Chicago, Minneapolis The opening theme song

Was written by gosh. Do you remember his name Toby something? I remember his His Toby Bishop and his his Twitter name was Y Sam Toby Y Sam. Yeah, nice. Thanks. Good work And this closing one was written by Paul Balzer if you have your own theme Paul Balzer is great name Do you want you to say anything about it? Uh, let me look After 300 episodes you're like wait a minute Paul Balzer we got to really talk about this guy. I love Paul Balzer Yeah, my girlfriend is a photographer So maybe give her a shout out her name is Colleen Kubiak and her website is Colleen Kubiak com I want to see your photos. Oh my god. Just good. It's a photo of Paul Balzer. Yeah

I mean, I guess there could Colleen Kubiak who's that kubi a k Colleen like you'd expect and Kubiak kubi a k. That's right. Oh, these are nice photos actually very very handsome family friends just a real snapshot of Small-town life in Americana, and she's got a she's got a blog and a portfolio Let's give it up for Paul Balzer for his job Paul Balzer. Oh, I just loaded calling kubiak.com. It is scat porn Okay, so you were saying this is good. You know, I didn't I honestly couldn't like to me There might be a little wedding. Is that a wedding? So thanks to Paul and thanks to Toby and thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back

Yeah, Brandon and Rebecca the Monday Sammy. This is so nice. Take a July still looking at photos of Colleen Kubiak I will this are she's great. We should have her photograph us. We have to we have to leave. Okay. I have now Yo, yo, yo DJ shmoomoo on the house in the line Straight up shut up That was a hate gun podcast