If I Were You - 232: Bad Kiss (w/Arielle Vandenberg!)

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

Friend and Comedian Arielle Vandenberg joins us to discuss sexting, cheating, and her new podcast (hopefully.)This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, BlueApron, and Harry's!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do, if only I were you, show dot com. Jazzy is shit, dude. We are riding top down up the PCH, not a care in the world. Arielle, what'd you think? That was the cutest theme song I've ever heard in my life. That was written by somebody named Amir, but he spells it differently. He spells it A-M-E-R. What a dick. Which is what most people think I spell my name as, but I'm honored to be named as a fellow Amir with such a talented guy who makes me feel like I'm a little bit a musician too, because if one Amir did it-

Because of that? Yeah, because that, and then it's like- Introduce our guest. We have a guest on the show. You spent the first team. Do you think I'm a good musician? You just lunged into how you're a musician. I think I am. No one even knows who Arielle is right now. Yeah, I could be anyone for all they know.

Well, if you don't know- Now you know. Hell yeah. They still don't. Oh, they still don't. They still don't. Arielle. It induced me.

Comedian? Is that a good all-encompassing term? Comedian? I guess. Would you say writer? Would you say actor? Would you say- I'm a human being. That's beautiful. I'm a multi-hyphenate. I'm a multi-hyphenate human being.

Human hyphen. That's hyphen. Comedy being. No, I like comedy, but I'm an actress and I will do other things besides comedy. That's true. But I mostly- You're a performer. I'm a performer.

Yeah. Yeah. We met just last week or perhaps a week ago, two weeks ago, when we were on your Snapchat. Yeah. Your Snap Hangs. Snap Chat Hangs and Jake and Amir were my favorite guests. Yes. Yeah.

Amazing. She said it. Yeah. And not just because she's on her show. Yeah. You were- Well, what? Well, huh, your Snap-

Let's peek behind that tour. Your Snap Hang was so popular, we have like thousands of more people following us on Snapchat now. That's so exciting. You're an influencer. You influence people. I am an influencer, Amir. Does it feel that way? Do you feel powerful? Sometimes.

When you Snapchat something, does it feel like two rose bowls filled with humans are watching it? I never thought of it like that. That's really amazing. I'm freaking, I'm like Snapchat's Beyonce. Shit. That is your Instagram bio, which has 14 followers, so very much not a Beyonce in that regard. Damn it, shit. Does Beyonce have Snapchat?

She doesn't have Snapchat, but I just went to her Instagram for the first time. She has 83 million followers. Dear God. It's actually not bad. How many rose bowls is that? Did you say not bad? That's not bad. That's 830 rose bowls.

How many do I have? You have less than half of one rose bowl. Less than half of one rose bowl? No, no, no, no. You have less than 1%. I haven't looked at my followers in a long time. You have roughly one half of 1% of Beyonce's bowl. I haven't checked in on my followers in a long time.

I've seen it. Wait, how many does the rose bowl hold? I would say roughly 100,000. Really? Yeah. That's pretty good. I just saw Coldplay at the rose bowl. How was that?

Are you all right? We should say it's our music reviewer. Two word reviewer. It's always so good or so bad. Does it feel like a concert when you're there with 100,000 other people? The people are so small. Are you listening? Is it music?

Is it a concert? What does it feel like? It's exactly what a concert feels like. It's a concert. But you're so far away. What? Have you ever been to a concert? No, not a concert specifically, but I've done a live podcast.

It's different. But does it feel less intimate or does it feel like you're there with just 1,000 people? You've never been to a concert. Shut up. Not of that great magnitude. Are you lying? No. The biggest concert you've ever been to?

The Hollywood Bowl. The Hollywood Bowl is one thing. The rose bowl is 100 times the Hollywood Bowl. Oh, for real? I don't know. So maybe it does feel like not 100,000. You think Hollywood Bowl is only 1,000 people? How much is it?

It's like 30,000 people. It feels like it's way more than that. I think it's 30,000. 30,000 people? You have a computer on your lap. Oh, this is a dummy computer. I'm going to guess too, a Hollywood Bowl, 16,000. Ooh, so right in between the two.

That's a very, that's an estimated guess. Yeah. 17,500. You win. And rose bowl, let's go 88,000. Whoa. I'm going 150,000. This is a really fun podcast game show.

Especially because my computer's off, I'm just guessing. Capacity for the rose bowl, 106,000. Oh, wow. Hot damn. Yeah. I feel like we could sell it out. If you just heard that, I just slapped my face. You just slapped on my capone.

It was not a high five. I didn't know five. So beyond just guessing, stadium capacities, this is a advice podcast, Arielle. You see, Jake and I get emails from all around the world. For people who are seeking our guidance, our wisdom, we do our best to dispense it. Sometimes it's just us two. Sometimes we have a new friend in the house. And today.

He called me a friend. We have a co-worker. No, we have Arielle Vandenberg. Arielle Vandenberg. Vandenberg. Yeah. That's a very official regal name. AV.

AV's great initials. I'm like a straight up princess. Nice. Royalty up in here. You should call me. You want to know my middle name? Oh. It's Saint Seer.

That's not true. Arielle Saint Seer Vandenberg. Arielle Saint. Oh, you know what? According to Wikipedia, that's correct. Yeah. Arielle Saint Seer. How do you spell Seer?

S-E-A-R. It's S-T period C-Y-R. What is that? Is that your mom's maiden name? It's my grandma's maiden name. My great-grandma's maiden name. Arielle Saint Seer Vandenberg. You sound like a duchess or something.

I'm crushing it in the castles. Oh, really? Yeah. That's awesome. I've heard that. I, too, am crushing it in castles. I just have no way to back that up. So do you think you can help us out?

I'll read some questions. Yes. We'll talk wise. We'll crack wise. We'll discuss answers. I'm literally dying to do this right now. Really? All I want to do is answer questions.

Okay. So this is perfect. Get started, baby. Yes. So these are real emails from real people. We do want to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity. So if you can give us a fake female name that I can call this person. Pat.

Jessica. Pat. Jessica. Yeah. What does Pat Jessica want to know? I'll tell you what she wants to know. Pat Jessica. Patricia?

Or is it? It's Pat. It's just. It's Pat. Enough questions. It's Pat. Let's hear it. My problem is this.

My roommate and good friend cheated on her boyfriend but refuses to tell him. I am having a really hard time with this because it has happened to me on the receiving end and it's also the reason my parents split up. This shit goes deep. I've known this girl for almost 10 years and I think she's otherwise a pretty decent human. I really don't know how to be friends with her while fundamentally disagreeing with her morals. What should I do? Do I continue being her lifelong pal and just shove this seething anger I have at her down?

Or do I end this friendship on the same basis I would end a relationship? Todah and Shalom. Love. Pat Jessica. This is how nice this lady is. She's not even talking about someone who cheated on her. She's talking about a friend of hers that cheated on somebody else. And she feels so morally torn that she can perhaps not even be friends with her friend anymore.

Well, I wish, to be honest, I wish I knew the other side of it. Like the guy's side? No, the friend's side. Meaning? Because is it like an illicit affair or is it a drunken hookup that's like, Hey, this only happened one time and it's never going to happen again and you know me. I'm not a cheater. This seems like a one-time thing.

A friend cheated on her boyfriend and refuses to tell him. What do you think? Well, if that's the case. Let's call it a one-time thing. Have you ever been so broken up about a cheating that you were ready to like get rid of a friend over it? Has that ever happened? No. What?

No. No, it's never. Has that ever happened to anybody you know about? Like, oh, my friend won't hang out with me because I cheated on somebody else? Well, I don't, it's not like I go around like seeking cheaters as friends, but like if a friend cheated, I wouldn't be like, you're not my friend anymore. I would just be like, dude, that sucks. Like, don't do that.

Right. Yeah. How bad would something have, would I have to do something for you to not be friends with me anymore? Yeah, if you had a girlfriend and you cheated. I'm asking you. Okay. Yeah. Physically abusing a child?

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shaking a baby at an anger or rage, not necessarily on purpose? I would say any, yeah, any child abuse. A kid on the playground. Of course. Any child abuse, of course. A kid on the playground shook you recently?

A baby shook you as vindication for what adults have been doing? A baby shook me. And a man he told on you. You started shaking the baby the police called. He started it. He fucking shook me. This is so stupid. This baby should be under arrest.

It's the dancing baby from Ally McBeal. Remember him? You don't want to hear my side, huh? His body was weird. You want to feel old? That baby is 17. Ooga chocka. Ooga chocka.

Ooga, ooga, ooga chocka. What was the dance move? And was it from that show or was that like a meme that existed? No, it was from that show. The CGI was so bad. The CGI was awful. He was pretty advanced. That baby was real.

For the time. For like 1996. For the time, that baby was legit. It looked like a computer background. So Ally McBeal started that? I think it was. I think because it wasn't about like her, she didn't know if... That was like her...

What is it? Fertility. Teasing her. Oh, was that what it was? I mean, I was like 13 when that show was on. Haunting her. That's what I think. That's what I think is a 31-year-old now looking back.

I don't know if the writers did that. I think Ally McBeal started off as a show that she would see her visions, but that they sort of abandoned that concede after season one. This is also an Ally McBeal podcast, so feel free to wax about the... We should really watch Ally McBeal if we're going to have that. Yes. An Ally McMeal. So we'll eat food and watch Ally McBeal, and then the podcast is...

Oh my God. This is a great idea. We get McMeals. That's good, yeah. A fish fillet. A McCrick too. Ally McMeals. Do you like fish fillets?

Ew. Yeah, right? Never. It's totally bipolar. People are like, I can't possibly ever eat one, or like I grew up on that shit. Well, I had them when I was little, but... Oh, you did eat them when you were little. Never have it as an adult.

Interesting. Yeah. We had one recently on the podcast. Or right after the podcast. Right after the podcast, we went and got fish fillets. And then did you die? Yeah, we're both dead. The girl who emailed this question is just sitting, like, listening to this podcast.

They're like, okay. She's like, what do I fucking do? Get me out. I'm going to McDonald's now, but that's some sort of subliminal advertising that I hope you guys are getting paid for. I don't think you can cut off friends that have ever cheated on anybody. Like, that would eliminate a lot of people. I would lose a lot of friends that way.

Me included. For example. But then again, it's like this thing that she's like, I don't know, maybe she is being a little too overdramatic about it. Well, I think as a girl... No, Jake, what do you think? All right. Cool.

So as a girl... I think she's being a bitch! Wow! Wow! Let me explain something. All right. Ding the gong. This is the show you're on now.

This is the match! The bitch gong. The toilet flushed. First of all, bitch-dog. Thank you. She needs to cook me a sandwich! She needs to cut it! Oh my god!

Cook your own damn sandwiches. Lock the door! I cook my sandwiches. I don't understand how sandwiches are made. A sandwich coming out of the oven. It's called baloney. It's better be a baloney. Such a man.

Cook my sandwiches, woman. Come on. Cook them. All right. For real. Okay, but for real. As a woman. Do you guys have any sandwiches?

Thank you. As a woman. As a being a girl. Yeah. And knowing of... Like having a... I've been friends with someone who's cheated on someone before. Sure.

And we talked about it. And I was actually... I mean... Probably one of the only people she ever told me that I'm telling everyone. You can name names, by the way. Oh, yeah. Her name's Pat. No.

Peepy. No. So it wasn't like... She was just like, this happened. And I feel really bad about it. And it'll never happen again. And blah, blah, blah. And she's still with her boyfriend.

And he doesn't know. Actually, he might know. She knows. Because he knows. He knows. It's totally fine. And they're like the best freaking couple on earth. Oh, they're over it.

Oh, they're so over it. I think you just... I don't know. Oh, that's... I like that advice. Because it's... It's one thing if this girl is like... I think you did...

It's like... It's a case-by-case basis. And your friend comes first, right? So if your friend cheats on somebody, the thing to do is talk to her and get at the root of why it happened. Yeah. And it's like, are you happy in your relationship? Or was that a mistake? Exactly.

What's the best for your friend? If she's hooking up with a bunch of random dudes, then that's obviously just like, why are you friends with a person that can be that messed up? Right. Then it sort of grounds for not being friends with somebody. Because she has very destructive behavior. Yeah. And she might cheat on you as a friend.

Is that possible? Like she'll go to dinner with somebody else? Yeah. You wouldn't do that to me, would you? I never. But you hooked up with somebody last week. That's fine though. That was cheating on me.

We got brunch in the morning. What? Brunch is something we do. We had an aside bowl. Ah! Poor. Poor. I feel like we're not helping Pat.

Well, I think you got to talk to your friend. I feel like these past cheats, like your parents splitting up and somebody cheating on you, is coloring this experience totally. But it's also case to case. Yes. Very case to case. Because if it's a good person and she just messed up, you leave her alone. That's why they call me gray area herwits.

Yeah. Because there's always a gray area. A gray area. Is that your mom's maiden name? They call me middle ground herwits. Yeah. My mom's. Jake St. Cyr gray area herwits Pen Cooper.

Gray area. Your middle name's gray area? Yeah. A gray area. Now you can understand why my mom was so eager to marry out of that name. She was even down to take a guy named herwits. Yeah. Which we all know is the worst last name.

Aw. Easy does it. I'm choking. It got really quiet. Just settled down. I'm totally settled. I was just doing a bit. We'll try to settle a little further.

I'm pretty settled. I don't know. What? Your middle name's fucking Schmuel. That's quite enough. A little asshole. Schmuel? Schmuel, yeah.

Schmuel. That's right. Schmuel. Schmuel gray area. Oh my God. What a name. That's true. I think we answered that question.

Talk to your friends. It's not necessarily. Be there for your friend. Maybe she needs help. That's fucking right. What happened is a bad thing that happened to your friend as well, not just you. Yeah. She doesn't know what to do right now.

Just work it out. Talk. Yeah, straight up just talk to her. You know what Drake says? Strengthen guidance. All that I need, or all that I'm wishing for my friends. Yeah. Strengthen guidance.

All that I'm wishing for my friends. I use the buzzer that I am in. I'm in. I hear you say to him, hi me. Hi. Hi. As soon as you see my text reply me, that's a little demanding. I know.

Do you see it or needy? That song is fuck for free. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's fucking dope. I'm so good. Well, I mean, I guess so, yeah. This shit's so good that I shouldn't have to fuck with it. That makes me want to fuck Drake.

I heard Drake puts, makes all of his ladies' sidepieces, put read receipts on their iPhones so that he knows when they're checking it. That does sound like something Drake would do. Yeah, that way you have to read it. I do that. The reply as soon as you read the text. Do you have read receipts on?

No. Oh, Jesus Christ. But do you ask people to turn their song? Hell yeah. If you want to be my lover. You better turn your own receipts. I can't. I can't.

I want to read. I want to read. I want to. I want to see. I want to see. I'm not working out. Ready, ready? Ah.

You should. Ready, ready? Ah. You should have it. You should call it joining the AV club. Anybody who's your friend. That's smart. Yeah.

I'm so down. I'm so down. I want to like reposition myself. I'm sweating. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get taught in here. A little hot. These questions are not for the cool minded.

I'll tell you that much. But let's get to one more. Do you have another female's female name? Of course I do. It's that easy. Yeah, it's Sean Lemons. All of your female names could be like our practically guy names and then also the name of a fruit.

They come up next. Sean Lemons. John Lennon's brother. Sean Lemons. John Lennon's dumb brother. You can't even pronounce his name. You know my brother. You can't even pronounce his own name.

He's on Lemons. You're like, what? Lennon? Lennon? Yeah, Lennon. Lemons. That's what I said. He calls himself Lemons, man.

What? That's so weird. Sean Lemons. He always has three Lemons in his cargo pants. Sean Lemons writes. She's a female named Sean Lemons. I shouldn't have said brother. Last month, my boyfriend of a year and a half moved to

Michigan for med school related reasons. Now here I am stuck in California, missing him every day. A couple days ago, I told him that I'd gotten a Brazilian wax and he asked me to send him a sexy picture of myself showing off the wax. And so I did. Then the conversation became extremely steamy and he started describing what he would do to me if he was there because he

and I were always together. We had sex often and never sexted. So to my surprise, his messages were amazing. I never knew how talented he was in the sexting field and it turned me on like crazy. You could probably write an erotic novel or something using the messages he sent me. Screenshot us.

I need to know what's great sex like. Unfortunately for me, I had nothing else to follow up with. All I could say was, oh baby, that would feel good and I wish I could fuck you right now. Nice. Things like that. The best I could do is send him some extremely erotic snap videos of myself.

I mean, it worked out in the end because he did come after all. So because I won't be seeing him for another couple of months, I'm sure the situation will come up again. But my question is, how do I become a better sexter? What do guys like to hear and read when they sext a girl? I don't know if this makes any difference, but he's 31. So how would you do like a girl to sext you? Or am I better off just sticking to sexy videos and pics?

Thanks in advance for any help you can offer. Sincerely, Sean Lemons. That's an easy one. That's a question for you. He's like videos. Does she need to write anything? Or do you think a picture is worth a thousand? She did all the heavy lifting by sending a lot of videos of herself.

Like that's she. Like dude can't do that. Yeah, what's an erotic photo? Is that a dick pic is not that erotic, right? No. Even if the guy's hot is a dick pic hot. Nope, literally. No dick.

No DP. No DP in this DM. I've read that out. Yeah, sliding out of my DMs immediately. I would like to see so smooth. Giggity, giggity. I love it out of him. My man.

Peace out. As soon as you see a text, don't reply. Uh, yeah, it seems like his job is to write so well that it turns her on. Yeah, by the way, I want to know what he said because I feel like I feel like this girl in any sexting situation I've ever been in. It's just me saying like, oh, yeah. Yeah, you're saying that. I feel like you guys are doing very well on both ends. How do you think so?

She's doing her job. He's doing his fine. It worked out really well. Yeah, this is this is a pretty good problem to have. And the fact that they're in a relationship doing all the sexy stuff. This isn't a problem. This is just like a shining example. This is just her bragging.

Yeah. She just was like, yo, I have lots of sex with my boyfriend when he's in town and when he's not in town, we still have sex over the phone. Yeah. And by the way, he's in med school. So he's going to be a doctor. He's going to save my life someday. Oh, great. And I sent him erotic snap videos and it got me off.

Who is this sexy like writer dude that's also learning how to be a doctor? He's a fucking poet. Jesus Christ, a finger smith. You know what we can do is try to advise her in a bad way, break them up. And then, oh my God, Ariel can find the dude. One of us can find the babe and then we'll go off from there. That way it's turning one relationship to two. So Ariel finds a dude.

One of us finds it a bit. One of us is just it would be my idea because I came up with the idea. Right. So then it so it sounds like I don't know why I would participate in this. Well, then at least you have a podcast. I would have a podcast. You would take over the podcast and Jake and Amir. I mean, Jake and Amir.

No, no, no. The girl's name is Jake. Yeah. Sorry. So now he runs off with the other Jake. Yeah. So it'd be Jake and Jake. Yeah.

Me and the doctor. What's the podcast called? What about me? The Ariel Show. And there we go. And then I just go get a Brazilian. That's right. Hi, I'd like a Brazilian.

So if you could email us really doesn't have to be specifics, but ideally the entire conversation just so there's no reason for this guy to hoard up his magical sexting abilities and not help anybody else. There could be a guide or something. I'm sure we'd link to it. And then he his words can help out thousands of people. You could probably write an erotic novel. Yeah, bugs dead out there.

All right. Yeah, this was this was an easy one. I guess because you guys are doing great. Congrats. Yeah. Keep it up. Thanks. Thanks, man.

Congrats on med school. Let's uh, yeah, man. What a fucking what a legend. Go get up, dude. Let's take a break. Absolutely epic. Me. Well, uh, Jake and I will thank a few sponsors and we'll be right back with more Ariel after

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace and we're back. Arielle, what are you busy with nowadays? What takes up the most time? Make a pie chart of your life. What's the biggest slice dance making pie charts? I guess. I don't really know where to start.

Wait, is that a serious question? Yeah. Free time. Do you really dance a lot? I love dancing. Really? Do you ever go out and dance? I do.

Would love an evite. Seriously? Yeah. We like to dance too. What are you guys doing tonight? Holy shit, a Monday night dance session? Let's go. Where would people go on a Monday to dance?

Wherever. That's awesome. I know. That's why I suggested it. Seriously, I have nothing to do. We do actually like going out and dancing. That's all I want to do. I don't ever want to go out and talk to people.

All I want to do is go out and like not... Talking to people is the fucking worst. It's the hardest part too. All I want to do is go and like put like horse blinders on and dance. Dance to the music. Dance to the music. When we discovered dancing bars maybe let's say three years ago, it sort of ruined other bars for us because when you go to another bar it sounds like there's just like something

missing. We're also friends with a lot of like comedy writers who don't like dancing as much as us. That's true. And Ben hates coming to bars with us. He won't do it. Yeah, because it's just loud and if you don't really love dancing or getting kind of drunk. He likes dancing.

He does, but not as much as us. He is good at it. Oh, he... You guys don't get more? He's good at dancing. I think we... Yeah, that's like we try to do it and we go out dancing like two nights every weekend. Oh my god, where's my invite?

Have you ever been to like dance parties? Like have you ever been to booty LA? No. What is booty LA? I feel like you're part of... You can show us all the west side dance spots we can expose you to the east side world. What kind of stuff do you dance to? Do you dance to the hip hop?

Anything. Like if it's 80s music, hip hop, like I like to like what's not like just like freaking whine it. Oh yeah, popping and locking. I like to pop and lock. I like to dutty whine. I'm more Jamaican dance halls these days. That's another slap in the face.

Straight up Jamaican dance hall is like the shit. Have you ever been to break room 86? That's 80s dancing. Yes. Oh really? I wonder if we've ever been there at the same time? Probably not. I've only been there once.

So it would have been one in a million. No, because we're there literally all the time. So we would have seen you there. Oh, okay. Gotcha. What else do you do other than dance? I did like pulling at that thread. Yeah.

I write. Oh. Yeah. I was watching writing a pilot. Hello. Hello. So I'm finished. A television show.

Yes. A television show. A telenovela. Mm-hmm. A 60 minute docu drama, would you say? No. A 30 for 30. Not at all.

Okay. Yeah. Interesting. And what sport is it about? God, you just have these questions pre-prepared. You didn't care what it was. Sorry, I thought I was interviewing Phil Simmons. I have not edited the question at all.

You don't want to say what the pilot's about. You don't have to say. It's... You don't have to say. You don't have to say. You don't have to say. I'm writing a TV show and it's very on, like, it's just like me, like if I was a TV show it basically...

It's all about dancing. It's all about dancing. It's dancing with the stars. Jamaican. That's perfect. Music. Dancing with the stars. So writing, dancing.

These are all the hyphenates, human, writer, dancer, actor. Yep. Acting. Acting. I saw a MasterCard commercial you were in. Hell yeah. On your Instagram. How good is that shit?

I don't give a fuck. I don't give two fucks. That's awesome. I give three though. Whoa, three bucks to one shit. I give a three fuck. Nice. Yeah.

Would love to be in your next spot. Okay. How do you...what? This is crazy. I just want it. That was such an audacious question. I can't believe you rewarded it. I'd love to be in your next commercial.

Yeah. Just next time you're advertising. Next time you get a cool opportunity. Think of old blooms. I'd like to be involved in some monetary way. Shape or form. So selfish. Specifically shape.

I am not kidding. We could do a commercial. Really? Like an EP. We should do a commercial for your podcast. For your podcast. Well technically this is a commercial for our podcast. Actually technically this is a podcast.

Yeah. What? What? Huh? Huh? What am I talking about? Who am I? Future Podcaster, can we give you a show?

Yes. Okay. That's good. What would the show be? The Vandenberg show. The AV club. The Vandenberg show? No, that's already taken.

The AV something is pretty cool though. But you might as well say Ariel's whole name. Well AV is what like everyone calls me. Oh really? People call me Vandenberg. Vandenberg is good. And like all my agents call me AV because I don't think they know my full name. What about the Vandenberg disaster?

I'm in. That's pretty, that's a cool, that's a poetic name. Yeah. And like when it starts it's just like oh and then you go oh the hilarity, hi I'm Ariel Vandenberg and we're here to talk about famous tragedies throughout history. Oh my god. Wait you guys. I'm so down.

Also there was a tragedy today. What? Oh the Gene Wilder passing. Yeah. That's true. Thank you for bringing that up. I'm sorry but he's one of my favorites. Yeah.

For real. Yeah. He was one of the few that could be like funny but also in a very dark, serious way. In such a mysterious way. Totally. And I feel like that wasn't an act. Like he was actually that kind of person. Yeah.

Brooding and hilarious. Like he, oh he's a genius. What's your favorite Gene Wilder movie? Oh my god, Young Frankenstein. I've never seen it. No way. That's true. Mel Brooks is kind of a hole in my comedy knowledge.

Get on that shit. Marty Feldman is the jam. Oh you're a real comedy nerd, huh? Yeah. All right. But for real you need to see that movie. It's the like most genius movie ever. Every piece of it.

I still watch it today and I feel like I find something new about it and I'm like oh my god it's amazing. Wow. I'm more into it every time I watch it. Although is it black and white? It's yeah. Hard, hard, hard, hard best. Jesus.

What? That's a nice way to honor somebody that dies. You watch some of their best work. That's true. Okay, why don't we stop recording and then we can watch. Well let's do it after the show. Okay, after the show. That's right.

That's even better. Let's watch it while we're recording. Oh so it's on in the background. Yeah. And then we'll occasionally chime in. If necessary. That's a great idea. You guys just had a show.

The Vandenberg Disaster? Yeah, you're the co-host. Male bloom. We exhale so much we die. What's the opposite of breathing in? Black. So that's great. Writer, dancer, future podcaster, actor, creator, you're just.

Home record. Home record. JK. Home owner. I am a home owner. That's even better. Namaste girl. Yeah, that way you own a slice of the America.

Sorry about that. Jake. Jake sometimes gets like kind of down to earth like that. I really don't like to do it. Down to earth. Jake's like, yeah, he sometimes gets all, he gets all yoga out. Aw. Yeah.

No, that's true. What's your number one source of exercise? Last question. Soul cycle and dance. Dancing is good. I'm not even kidding you. Okay. The last, I don't even know the last time I wore a dress or a skirt because I dress

because I know I'm going to like end up dancing during the day. So I have to always wear pants or else. You can't dance in a dress? No. You have to dance in pants. No, because I dance like a psychopath. Dancing pants? I dance like a psychopath.

Oh, that's good. So like, I like kick my legs up. I like dance around. And so I'm, I always feel like I have to be very comfortable so I can dance. It's kind of like Mary, Catherine Gallagher. Oh no, the Elaine Benes meets sort of olive oil. A lot of, like the, the, the car wash guy. Very olive oil.

Yeah. Car wash inflatable man. Yeah. Car wash inflatable man. Yeah. Just so you can't tell. We're just waving our arms around. I'm doing a one person wave.

Check out this trick that I just perfected. What's that? Bounce the phone on the couch right onto this, right onto my thigh. What a, what a, yeah. Now that you've sent it. Oh. That was so cool. I'm not kidding.

This is awful radio. Yeah. We all, everybody wishes they could do it. Of course. It's barely good video. Which makes it terrible for audio. The funny thing is that, oh that's it. There you go.

Try and bounce it so it lands as really hot. I like to imagine somebody at the gym on a treadmill. Right into your teeth. Oh, I think I got it. Fucking nailed it, dude. I'm really surprised it worked that time. Anyway. Did you have anything you wanted to like plug?

Something that like people can, like what's the number one way for people to reach your shit? Is it your Snapchat? I think like that's where I like, I'm always on it. So there's always something to like watch on Snapchat. Or like now that Instagram has stories, I'm like trying to make more Instagram stories. But I love Instagram. I love Snapchat.

So what's your name on Instagram? Arielle. And what's your name on Snapchat? The Arielle. And what's your, you just added that every time. And on Twitter? The Arielle. It's the Arielle the.

So yeah, Twitter and Instagram is Arielle. Nailed it. My first name. And then the Arielle is Snapchat. Perfect. Yeah. Hell yeah. Don't you know, don't you know anybody at Snapchat that can hook you up with that full

at Arielle brand? Oh, right? Tell me about it. I know. I come on Snapchat. How popular do you have to be to get some love around here? I mean, Christ, you should just stop. What am I?

Shopped Liv? Yeah, thank you. Seriously. Next question comes from liver. Liver lemons. Liver lemons. We do have another question. Do you want to answer?

Yeah. All right. We need another, as it turns out, girl's name. Chelsea Handler. Do you know Chelsea Handler? What? Do you know Chelsea's Handler? It's Handler?

Do you know Chelsea Handler's Handler? No. Okay. Cool. Just wondering. I wanted in with her Handler's all. Oh. Oh, I see what you're asking me now.

Yeah. I'm confused. I do know her. The answer is yes. Yeah. And this is her question, right? Yeah, yeah, totally. Chelsea Handler's Handler.

If anybody asks, this is not a 22-year-old from London. This is actually Chelsea Handler. Writing. Here's my situation. There's this guy, of course. Let's call him Crumpet. Oh. And we've been dating for about five years.

Crumpet? Did you just name him or did she name him? She named him Crumpet. That is hilarious. Thank you. Crumpet. In those years, I was dating someone else. I'm 22 now.

Wait, Biscuit. They've been friends for five years. Yeah. She's friends with Crumpet for five years. Okay. And for four of those years, she was dating somebody else. Biscuit. Biscuit, let's call him.

Bicky. And although this, although through this time, Crumpet made it abundantly clear that he liked me. And although he was one of the best people, I wasn't ready to be in a proper relationship with somebody I liked because I was scared of being rejected, LOL. Here's where shit hits the fan. Wow. Let's go.

I've got out of my four-year relationship with Biscuit. When I was done kidding myself, I was honest with Crumpet and I said I liked him back, but it hadn't been good timing. He asked me out and we went on three dates. I had a great time. He said he did too. Date number four, I go back to his place. We fool around.

And then one week later, I get the let's just be friends text. Oh man, I could have hit the roof. He said that he never wanted to date me. He fancied me, but he didn't like me. And he just wanted to go there because I'm hot. Like I'm fine with being told that by a random person. I don't care about seeing again, but a good friend of five years. Am I being crazy here?

Did I read this so wrong? Was he within his rights to say that? I'm cool with just being friends, but there's no spark if there's no spark, but there's been five years of spark and tension and all that. He should have just told me he wasn't interested before dating me four times and bringing me back to his place, right? Is this some kind of revenge for making him wait? Did he seriously invest five years to fucking chuck?

I feel like I have no idea what the hell prompted this meanness. It flies in the face of everything I knew about him. He wants to just be friends and I think I do too, but I don't even know how to A, get over-crump it and B, understand what the fuck just happened. Are you crying? What would you do if you were me? Send a snotty message and say, see ya, ask to talk and try to figure out what happened or just cut one of my best friends out of my life forever.

Cheers pals. That's a multiple choice. Any insight you can provide into the male psyche would be very appreciated. Love, Chelsea Handlers. So the question is, should she have long distance sex? No. Is that what you read? Is that what you read in tube?

No, I'm kidding. So wait. You were also shocked when I said the let's just be friends text. Well, I have a question. Okay. The very first sentence, was it that he said he loved her before or something? He basically had a crush on this girl that's been in a relationship for four years. He's been pining after her.

And then once she was free, they went on four dates. They went on four dates and he was like, never mind. Just kidding. I just wanted to hook up. I want to be friends with you and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I got the hook up out of the way, out of my system as it were. Well.

That is insane. Is it a dick move? No, it's just bad timing, like she said. That's legit just bad timing. But the fact that he said, let's just be friends after five years of obsessing over her and finally going out with her. And then he did. And then he's like, actually, let's just be friends.

Is that a dick move? Like any of those like teen movies where like the, they wait and they're like, oh, this was the right person all along. Yeah. You were right into my nose. Then they fuck. They're like, actually. Never mind.

I got that out of my system. I feel like that is way more common than the actual like. Storybook ending. Storybook ending. Yeah. Because like the second you kiss someone, you know, if you're like going to hang out with them again. Right.

That's the magic. Oh, so you like, usually I make snap judgments right away. I know, but you're saying you don't know until the kiss happens. No, no, no. I'm saying like, if I'm beyond the point of liking someone. Yeah. Like if I'm like, oh, I like this person. Here we go.

The next thing is to kiss them. And then you're like, if the kiss is bad, then you're like, well, I got to go. Wow. Bad kiss. I never thought about a bad kiss. I'm always so concerned about other stuff during that moment. It's not like, I just think that it's really important because you know. That's the chemistry, the electricity.

Yeah. There's like, you already like each other. And actually here's the thing. Okay. No. Okay. I'm wrong. Okay.

Here's where it goes. That was not the thing. That's not the thing at all. No, but I, if you, okay. Oh, God. It's like that song. If you want to know if he loves you. So it's in his kiss.

It's in his kiss. That's where it is. Shalalala. Don't be shy. That is a different song. You idiot. You just spilled water on myself. I feel pretty dumb right now.

I feel pretty dumb right now. I can't handle being called an idiot right now. You're pretty stupid. You feel like you're under the sea? Stop it. Oh my God. No. But there is a lot in a kiss.

There is, but that's not what I meant. I meant like, so, okay. For this situation, I think like a girl, the way, so, fuck. Okay. This is good. Take your time. I need to go back. Rewind.

I need to go back in time. Here we go. Okay. Hi. I'm Arielle Vandenberg. Welcome to the podcast. Sorry. I was just thinking about how to plug myself.

Anyway, it's the Arielle. The Arielle. Snapchat. That's what I wanted to say. It's not in his kiss. Follow me. It's also chemistry. You know, in a second.

No. Okay. No. Okay. So like, if I like, like a guy and there's like an initial like thing where I'm like, oh, this guy's like really cool and like fun to talk to. Yeah. I'm like, I hope he's a good kisser because that's when like, it's going to be perfect

because if he's not, then you're like, well, shit. So. No kiss more than sex. Yeah. So, okay. So like, I hope he's a good kisser is what you think. Because if he's, if you already like him, that means that he's going to be a good kisser because you like him and then if, if he's a good kisser, then he's automatically going

to be good at doing other stuff. Wow. Okay. That's good to know. So it's like, you should practice your kissing as much as you could your other stuff. Well, I think it like liking someone in the very beginning is the reason why anything's good after liking someone. Right.

It's all subjective. Anybody can be a good or a bad kisser depending on who you're kissing. Exactly. Have you ever had a great date and a bad kiss? Yup. And that's just like, oh no. Yeah. But I mean, I still hung out with him because he was like so nice and great, but just like,

but it like wasn't there. Right. Like the whole package wasn't there. I feel bad because you're talking about Jake, but like what about the kids? I thought it was there. When he was there. The package was whole. For sure.

And he was swole. It just like, I don't know. It made me think differently for, you know. Too sloppy, too dry, too open, too closed. It was like too aggressive. Yeah. I was like, yo bro, you don't know me yet. Me?

Who? Me? Too aggressive? Yeah. You don't know me that bit? Yeah. They don't love you like I love you. Nope.

Okay. Can I say something? Y'all were talking for about three minutes. I got theories on kissing and chemistry too. I feel like we're not answering this poor girl's question. No. I want to know the chemistry kissing theories. Oh no.

I don't actually have that. I think anybody I kiss. I want to know. Oh, I think that I don't need to feel chemistry to have sex with somebody. I could, I could get over that hump pretty easily. Well, that's because you're a dude. Yeah. But like, so sometimes sex is good and sometimes it's less good.

But there's never anything was like, oh, I kissed somebody and I didn't feel anything. I always feel something. Well, yeah. It's always great. Yes. But, but when you really, really like, it can make you really like someone or it could be like, eh. Oh yeah.

Like I said, I completely agree with you. If you kiss somebody that you are like, have a huge crush on falling in love with, there's no better feeling in the world. You're literally done for. But I also think that I've kissed ugly strangers who I didn't respect and been like, that's dope too. Yeah. I've kissed ugly strangers.

Yeah. And that's dope. I feel like I don't. Put that on my fucking tombstone. Yeah. I've kissed ugly strangers, the two worst things you can be. Ugly. Oh, God.

And a stranger. So, but here's, I'll say this about this girl and this guy's situation. He's within his rights to, you know, to hook up and say that he's not feeling it. Cause like maybe, maybe he had a real, maybe like that for five full years, he'd been like looking forward to this thing and maybe he built it up too much and it wasn't all he was hoping for. And now he's not into it anymore. Yeah.

Maybe he did it in a non. It's, he did it in a too cold way. Yeah. I mean, he sounds like a dick, but I don't think he, anything he did was illegal. I don't think that's a dick move though. You do or do not? I don't. You don't think it's a dick move?

No. Because like, like whatever happened in five years, you changed so much. So like the second you, this person's like out of a relationship, like, I mean, it's, I don't think that she, cause she asked, she was like, should I say see ya? Or should I still be friends with him? I say you still be friends with him because you never know what the future holds for you too anyways. Like you, it could be sparks could happen again.

Sparks could fly. And hopefully it's not when you're back in a four year relationship, but if it is, then you know. But what about the fact that he's like, he just wanted to go there cause I'm hot. That's a mean thing to say. Right? Wait. Yeah.

That is mean. I didn't even remember that part. He was very like cold. He fancied me, but didn't like me. He just wanted to go there cause I'm hot. For four years, guy, I mean, actually, yeah, that's probably, if he's like crushing on somebody for four years, she's finally single, gives him a chance. He hooks up with her and he's like, damn, I only wanted that cause you were hot.

I mean, that's such a crazy amount of time and effort to put into. Yeah. He honestly probably maybe felt rejected for so long that he wanted to reject. Right. Yes. Yeah. I wonder if he like got, he was like, well, I got what I needed, but he actually is really in love with her.

Shit. You're such a romantic. I really am. Here's what I, this is, here's, I think this is the real, the real takeaway. She's been in a relationship for four years or five years or whatever it was. Now she's single. She should go out and be single and not like try to jump right into, like this guy doesn't deserve this amount of scrutiny and trying to figure out what's going on.

So don't send him a snotty message. Don't get back together with him. Middle of the road is a, you don't have to be with him, but you can still be friends with him. Yeah. Fuck it. He was like a little bit of a dick. So you don't have to date him.

But maybe, and there are other people out there. Yeah. All right. That's that. Namaste. Nice dude. Anyways. Jesus.

My favorite subplot of this episode is that Arielle hates when you say Namaste. Put your hands to a heart center and open up your soul to the universe. Mother of God. Let's go through your, your Shavasana. Oh, you know more of those words? Yeah. I'm done with you. The chemistry is palpable, baby.

Sunsolution. Jake is doing a downward dog right now. Oh. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Perfect. Thank you for coming on our show. Didn't it just fly by?

That's it? Yeah. We only talked to three girls. That's why you have to come back. That's why you have to come back. Or you can listen to Arielle on her upcoming fandom. I'm not coming back. It's too fucking short.

This was too short. I'm mad about it. You always have to leave them wanting more. You can't give them too much. Remember that when you start your own show. That's my problem. Oh, you always. I always go above and beyond.

I always leave them wanting less. They're like, you know what? I could do with a little bit less. Let's say 10% off. Like an Arielle sale. So make sure you guys listen to my four hour podcast. It's starting now and never ends. It'll never come out because I'm always going to be recording.

Podcast and a live stream. I bugged my room. I bugged my car. You're Truman showing. It's just a live feed straight to my bathroom. That's actually where we're trending as a society. Not a bad idea. True.

Once again, Arielle's on Instagram, Arielle, Snapchat, the Arielle, Twitter, Arielle. Yeah. You can find her online wherever DVDs are sold. You are at Blockbuster. Yeah. Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you so much. That was so fun.

I agree. For real. This opening theme song was written by Amir as I said before. The closing one is at Narls Barkley parody by Sheldon. Oh my God. Thanks to anybody that's written in. If you have your own theme songs or questions, the email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com and we'll be back next Monday with an all new episode.

See you guys there. See you guys there. You're stepping on my tagline. See you guys there. That's what I say. God damn it. You do not say see you guys there. I remember when, I remember, I remember when I seized that cheese.

There was something so pleasant about Amir. Even your advice had an echo in Raven's nest. And when you're out there without a care, yeah, I was in a Starbucks. But it wasn't because I tried to kill myself. I wanted to listen to these two juice. If I were your podcast, shake an Amir right into the show. And if I were your show at gmail.com, yeah.