If I Were You - 234: Bar Mitzvah Kiss

Starting point is 00:00:00 If I were you Would you run if I asked a question Would you try to give me advice Would you laugh if I had a problem Or would you seize the cheese tonight Would you be my hero, Jakey With your best friend Amir Would the Game Boy choose my question

Starting point is 00:00:54 If I were you Starts here Would you be my hero, Jakey Would you be my hero, Jakey Would you be my hero, Jakey Would you be my hero, Jakey Would you be my hero, Jakey Because Tuesday just gets me wet

Starting point is 00:02:25 For the ultimate night Absolutely soppy That's when we kill ourselves Yeah What about Thursday? That's the worst day Suicide Thursday? You can go to hell

Starting point is 00:02:42 Thursday is the new Sunday And we all know Sunday is the fifth worst day Not including Saturday Oh yeah Saturday is the best though You know why Saturday is so good Because it's close to Tuesday Wrong This is If I Were You

Starting point is 00:02:57 The only advice podcast on the internet That also tackles the issue The hard hitting issue of ranking days I'm Amir I'm Jakey What's that? Jake, I was going to say Joshua And then I sort of got scared

Starting point is 00:03:09 It sounded like you had a French name That you don't know how to pronounce Jakeyua I am Jackwickwe Like your name is Jacques But you're an American who can't pronounce it correctly Jacques I'm enjoying a

Starting point is 00:03:23 A pompomous Lacroix Are you side sponsored by them? Is that why you bring them up so specifically? No, but I do I would love more pompomous Lacroix You're hoping someone from

Starting point is 00:03:39 Lacroix is listening and sends you some Amazing I really just wanted to say pompomous I see Is pompomous mean grapefruit? Yes Oh it does That's why they say that

Starting point is 00:03:51 So every other flavor The English word for it, grapefruit They have the French name for it And then in parentheses underneath it It says grapefruit I also believe I've seen Grapefruit Lacroix So they make two versions of it

Starting point is 00:04:07 One called grapefruit, one called pompomous It's like the subtle difference between Jacques and Jake Jacques So how does this show work? Do you have any idea? Yeah, we We get emails from people

Starting point is 00:04:23 Who are in sticky situations Or faxes Or faxes, we do have Fax Machine, the number for that is 955 5555 5555 5555

Starting point is 00:04:39 And we do our best to Advise them out of it as Expert Jew Boys We are Expert Jew Boys That fax number again is 917 5555 5555 5555

Starting point is 00:04:55 5555 Oh we're getting one It is a swastika Of course Absolutely that makes sense They mean well They don't, that's why they sent that They mean poor

Starting point is 00:05:11 They mean bad It's not welcome What did you say? So this email is from a real human With a guy's name But we don't want to say the guy's name We don't want to out him NoSiriBob

Starting point is 00:05:27 That's his name? Very cool NoSiriBob writes, I like this email It really tells a story Close your eyes, whether you're driving or not Pay attention, ready? NoSiriBob writes, I'm an 18 year old from England Here I went on my first lads holiday

Starting point is 00:05:43 With six other friends to Ibiza Ibiza I took a pill in Ibiza As I'm sure you can imagine it was a week of absolute Carnage to say the least Combining dancing, drinking And girls Girls

Starting point is 00:05:59 This is where slight moral dilemma comes into play Now don't get me wrong, I'm an okay looking dude However on one of my final days I got with a girl who was honestly a perfect woman Talking a 10 out of 10 smoke show Now as I mentioned I'm 18 And this chick was a 28 year old nurse So obviously spending my whole night

Starting point is 00:06:15 Making out with this girl I was proud to say The least But then as we were talking Things began to take a turn Suddenly she started talking about herself And I found out she not only has a 6 year old child She also has a

Starting point is 00:06:31 Fiancé of 7 years Oh shit As I'm a disgraced human Stop me and if anything it turned me on A little bit more In the end we never went back to her hotel Or anything and then as it was my last night That was the end of it all

Starting point is 00:06:47 She added herself on my facebook during the night But I know obviously I definitely Should not message her however Would you still say I've done something wrong Am I a bad person Because in all honesty I'm sort of proud of my achievement I know that makes me sound like a douche male

Starting point is 00:07:03 But I may as well be honest With you guys I know we didn't have sex so it's probably not quite as edgy As it would have been if we had gone the whole way However I do sort of feel There's a moral implication here Love the show and really hope a season 2 Of Lonely and Horny is just around the corner

Starting point is 00:07:19 Much love, No Surrey Bob No Surrey Bob Wants to know if he should be proud or ashamed Permission to feel honored sir I don't want to be Proud of me I think I hooked up with a 8 year old diamond

Starting point is 00:07:35 I'm sort of ashamed but I want to feel happy I feel a swell rising in my heart And I don't know if I'm allowed to feel it I need the green light To let these emotions come over me Is it a douche to be proud of me Proud means happy for someone else I don't think it means for someone else

Starting point is 00:07:51 Like I have pride in something Otherwise isn't it just happiness You couldn't be proud of yourself Proud of yourself for what When you ran your marathon were you proud of yourself In general You can I don't think pride means

Starting point is 00:08:07 It's not allowed to be for you To me when you I think we were talking about pride in a couple episodes ago And like what makes pride so interesting And a Sort of Genuinely nice emotion Is the fact that you're feeling this joy

Starting point is 00:08:23 For something that you didn't necessarily do You feel it for somebody else He wants to feel pride in him Yeah but you can feel pride For yourself That's not illegal Would you feel proud for doing this Yeah

Starting point is 00:08:39 I would feel proud I think that you could have two emotions You could feel proud that you hooked up with somebody That was really really hot And you could also feel a little A little skeezed out by yourself That it was under You know some shady circumstances

Starting point is 00:08:55 This guy is half bragging to us Saying ooh I feel like a douchebag Yeah but he also liked the fact that she had a fiance Oh yeah that got him off I think you could be proud about Something like a hook up in a Visa with Somebody that like

Starting point is 00:09:11 Had a fiance I think that's cool I think it's not cool if he was like Proud of continuing This and destroying the marriage and So you're saying because they Didn't sleep with he didn't sleep with her It's not that big of a deal And he can be fully proud

Starting point is 00:09:27 I'm gonna give you the green light On feeling fully proud of what you did Okay I'm gonna say Let's stop short of pride Let's reserve pride for Something a little bit less Sticky like Hooking up with someone that isn't

Starting point is 00:09:43 Engaged to be married to somebody Yeah so you're allowed to feel happy but not proud Yeah proud let's save Proud for like it's like charitable You can't feel like it's not 100% genuine pride because At the end of the day there's an angry Fiance involved

Starting point is 00:09:59 I can't walk my I'm not gonna walk my answer back But I do think you are right You're going on record As saying what you said you said But you're wrong about it Yeah I think you probably nailed it A little bit better

Starting point is 00:10:15 So you can feel proud of yourself for that I'm proud of you For admitting it I'm proud of you and I'm proud of myself For being somebody that someone else Is proud of What kind of sociopath is like Can I feel this pride

Starting point is 00:10:31 Have you ever heard like people describe like that He was a proud man What did he do Why was he proud in general I'm proud I'm just loud and proud about it I don't know I'm just proud Hi are you very proud

Starting point is 00:10:47 I would describe myself as having pride Yeah I can't stress how proud I am Zellistness of pride for myself Inside I've got pride inside Would you abide by my pride His email is titled 98% proud

Starting point is 00:11:03 2% shame That sounds you could go a little A little heavier on the shave Where would you put that knob 80 I don't like to dip below 80 on the pride 20% shame I think that's me all the time by the way

Starting point is 00:11:19 80% proud Shamed Good balance for your life And if they had sex 50-50 Same way Folks I would say

Starting point is 00:11:35 Making out with someone who's engaged is 25% proud 75% shame But she was so hot I didn't think about it that way Yeah and there are sort of no rules in Ibiza I think there really aren't I've never been but I would love to go

Starting point is 00:11:51 It seems like Ibiza is Vegas Times 6 without the casinos or something Yeah Vegas meets Miami meets Shangri-La meets Raven's nest Meets take a pill in Ibiza I'd like to take a chill pill in Ibiza

Starting point is 00:12:07 Ooh that's a cool A Nyquil If we were still working at College Humor It would have not been green lit but we would have made it I took Nyquil in Ibiza Oh yeah To show Avicii I had a cold It's about a guy who goes to Ibiza to party

Starting point is 00:12:23 But gets sick That would be really sad to have a cold in Ibiza Yeah It doesn't prevent you from going out At the same time like you're sneezing Yeah you can't exactly jump Imagine having a cold at a club That's how I felt when we were on tour

Starting point is 00:12:39 Remember the last night Remember the last night we were In Vancouver This past one in London I was like on the cusp of getting sick I was obsessed with just staving it off Just till the next day Just like a sweaty dance room

Starting point is 00:12:55 Everyone's fucking grinding up against each other And you have to sneeze Yeah your nose is running Sorry I shouldn't have this shot I have a sore throat I really need to get rest Avicii I want you to think I'm cool Avicii

Starting point is 00:13:11 So you can feel some level of pride Some level of shame Jake says 80-20 I say 25-75 Let us know Fax us at 917 5 5

Starting point is 00:13:27 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5

Starting point is 00:45:13 5 5 5

If I Were You - 234: Bar Mitzvah Kiss

In this episode we discuss pride, fax machines, and ghosting's ugly cousin: Benching.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies, BlueApron, and NatureBox!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information....

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.