If I Were You - 235: Tobacco (w/George Basil!)

Episode Date: September 26, 2016

The friend, the myth, the legend George Basil joins us to dispense wisdom on mentors, soulmates, and cigarettes.This episode is brought to you by Harrys, FrameBridge, and SquarespaceSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

It's time for you It's time for you It's time for you It's time for you Welcome to the chillest advice hour on the internet I'm George Basil, who are you? I'm Mary Tyler Moore Holy shit awesome

I'm also Mary Tyler Moore Holy shit, two Mary Tyler Moors and one George Basil in the house That's an orgy That song, I think it was a song Would you say it was a song? Yeah, I love that It was written by a Luxembourger named Luca, whose song we've used before Not this specific song, who's made another song for us

And his email said, by the way, you were pronouncing my name and my buddy's name, Manu, completely wrong How are you pronouncing it? I think Luca and Manu, so I'm probably doing it again He didn't clarify how to do it Manu? Maybe it's Manu and Manu Manu is a good guess Interesting facts about Luxembourg

That's fine, we're good You're saying Luxembourg wrong Luxembourg I'm pronouncing B-O-U-R-G Luxembourg? Luxembourg We have a duke and our own language Luxembourgese?

That's not that interesting I wouldn't think they have that Interesting, I mean that they have a duke Yeah, but fuck dukes Fuck dukes, dude I like that song a lot Really, that's why I sort of chose it because it had your vibe, your aura I was playing out of your car when you rolled up

This is your first episode since, gosh, who knows, who knows when you were with us before Man, that was my 2005 It was during when we lived at that house we recorded at The cabin Yeah, the cabin house That was the cabin house, your sister was inside watching this And I was just like, I was just watching her wash dishes the whole time You will never forget that

I will never in my life forget that Last thing you see when you die I know, how comfortable does it make you Jake when I talk about it? When you think of my sister washing dishes? Not uncomfortable at all I would kill for you to be my brother-in-law Oh my god, if we were bros Yeah, are you kidding me?

Yeah, that was Even in law That still counts Just by law I would love to come to family functions Oh man, that'd be great Yeah We would have so much fun

Yeah, maybe I'll just start Just start what? Just start Just start what? I'll go, maybe I'll go I'll start Yeah Soon

What's your next family thing? Russian shana on Amy's house Russian shana? Russian shana You're in, dude Russian shana, hot baths, just me and my aunt Just what you wish my family functions were Russian shana

You mean the girl I saw washing dishes? We're all going to a Russian shana? Alright, never mind You're not invited, George But we will see you at the Yom Kippur Breakfast Yeah, I will come That's gonna take place also at a Russian shana I found it, March 8th, 2015

Wow, what's today? March 8th, 2000? No, time doesn't work that way Okay You don't just get to guess Wow Today while recording is September 21st I want to say it comes out Monday, September 26th, 2016

So about a year and a half Geez, a year and a half is not a long time I don't feel any more dead But you're much more successful, I would say In the last 18 months Oh, yeah You're on TVs and stuff Yeah, 18 months ago we were embarrassed

To even be seen with you And now it's like an honor that you're here Yeah, it's like Well, that'll change back Oh, when you lose the jobs Yeah Or even just like the jobs stay intact Did you have any of these TV gigs in March 8th?

Like, yeah I think all I'd done is shot the pilot for Wrecked at that point But it hadn't been picked up So Wrecked got picked up, now it's a TV show There's gonna be two seasons It's going into the second season Okay, Flaked, which is a show on Netflix that you're on with Will Arnett That starts October 3rd, second season

Crashing, a pilot you shot for HBO Got picked up to a full season with Pete Holmes Shot that first season That second season is like That's already 3 for 3 on Pilots to Series It's kind of a long shot Yeah, it's like the Basil Bump It's the Basil Bump

And then didn't she just... You were just also in Vancouver shooting something else Vancouver for a CW show that my buddies wrote Called No Tomorrow, which is awesome Yeah Cast and everybody in Vancouver was cool as shit When you walk into an audition room now You're just like, come on, let's get over there

Oh, yes! Basil's offer only You think he auditioned? Oh, dude They don't offer me shit either Oh, hell yeah I think it's actually kind of... I'm so busy, I guess, that TV's kind of out

I can't do anything else You're locked up Luckily, the way that all those shows that you mentioned Lined up Yeah Just by sheer chance They all worked in a calendar year Seasonally

This is done And then, for whatever reason, now Rekt is shooting Wherever You're in some travels Because Pete Holmes' show, you shot in New York Right? So you're getting to shoot a show in New York One in Puerto Rico, one in Vancouver

And then one in here One in Venice Beach It's ridiculous It's incredible It is, it really is I don't know what to do And to think it should be me Oh

What? It's not... It's mean and it's not true It's small-minded and incorrect And it could be It would be better if it were me as you As your characters For it to be I instead of George

Do you think that makes the shows better? Or do you think that makes your life better? Me better All right Shows worse, me better Who cares? George better George better

George dead George Brent If George was just dead, I would get all of his roles I'm the number two Look at this, man This office is amazing Yeah, we have an office It's super profesh and

Luxesh Yeah, we couldn't book any fucking parts So we decided to just make an office Now we're fucking nine to five losers We build our own shit We're not artists anymore, dude We're fucking business owners We have computers everywhere

Look at this There's like three computers in here alone You guys can hold auditions here Thanks, man And we should And we should for parts that don't exist So we can reject everyone Just like everyone rejected us

Some sort of weird, very low stakes revenge movie We could tell everyone in the room Hard facts No, sweetheart I don't think so, sir Try again Better You're all wrong for this

Why'd you call me in? I don't know But this is not a web series This is an advice podcast It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir And that's Jake

And we're with George today Hello I thought it was Mary Tyler Moore But no Right now You've done the program before You get the rules People will email us

They're in sticky situations They're seeking our advice They think me and Jake are wise Wait till they get some of the basal wisdom Holy shit These people are lucky Because we're dispensing I would say another hundred percent

Free wisdom From the wisest person Oh, that's very nice Hopefully This is This first email comes from a lady A lady named George, you want to name her?

Because we can't use her real name Yeah, Martilda What's that? Martilda Oh, that actually is her real name Shit, Martilda I guess again I just spilled

Does Martilda have a last name? Yeah, Swind That's amazing Martilla Swint I already pronounced it incorrectly Hey, guys I'm having some troubles Relationship-wise

And thought you guys could help Whenever I'm able to find a boyfriend Everything goes really well For about a month or so But then I get bored I get bored of current relationships Way too easily As my focus quickly shifts to other things

And other people This usually hurts my current boyfriend's feelings And puts an end to the relationship They think I don't like them anymore Which usually isn't true I just have a hard time keeping up a relationship Once the new and exciting factor wears off And I find something else that's new and exciting

I want to believe that I can find someone That I can have a long-term relationship with But it's gotten to the point Where I'm not wanting to date anyone anymore Because I feel like our chemistry Will inevitably fizzle out Any advice for keeping a relationship going Once you hit that point of getting bored

Thanks, love the show Love Martilda Swind Martilda Grazie Marti Tilda Swinton's Hispanic cousin Hispanic nephew Okay George, how long does it take you to get bored usually?

Yeah, right away Oh, instantly, first day Yeah, pretty much It's like, what's your name? Yeah, mine too Adios You're not even intrigued that you met a girl named George Never

It takes like, I think I have about a year threshold I can do it a long time I fall pretty deep and then it goes pretty long and hard Oh, you're in it Yeah And you get more into it I get really into it Second date, third date, more into it, more into it

Yeah, yeah, yeah Two months See, that's, I've had that same problem too Cause like girls, in my experience Have like understood the real quick Phasing out like, oh yeah, we went on three dates And he wasn't interested People are conditioned

Like that's normal What's not normal is like two years of head over heels Like, I want to share the world with you Be with me, be with me, we are one And then after two years you're just like Fuck it Wait a second Why didn't you get bored earlier?

You would have saved us time Yeah You dove headlong into this Swam out into the middle of the ocean And immediately hopped on a speedboat And went away Yeah, you should have just broken up to me When I was close enough to shore to swim back

Yeah Do you get bored after a long time Or quicker than that? I guess both Whenever I've been bored in every long term relationship I've ever been on I've gotten bored And then

There were stretches when I was single And I would start to anticipate the boredom Before it would even actually happen So that's like what you were saying before I would like go out with somebody And like, even if I was attracted to them In that same like dinner I would, or never dinner, drinks

Those same drinks I would like Not even a lunch I'd go through everything in my head Be like, our falling in love Our courtship Our wedding Our marriage

Our children And then our inevitable divorce So by the end I'm like Alright, this was fun I never have to see you again I'm divorced from you Let me nip it in the bud right now I think Louis C.K. has a joke where it's like

Why get married where the best possible outcome Is seeing your best friend die Like either you die Or you see your best friend die Like why not just not do that at all Then you get to Then you live a whole entire life without a best friend Well that's what, yeah

That's what she's starting to feel like With your threshold I'm, as I get older I get quicker to cut off That girl's great We should probably break up I'm not gonna marry her You've only been out with her twice

I'm like, yeah, but I'm not What, am I gonna have kids with this person? No, that's not gonna happen I'm not even enjoying the moment Because I'm like If it's not gonna happen I would have decided to marry her by now What do you think that is?

Is it like, it's a psychological partnership Well, in my mind It's like the ladies that I find myself Instantly attracted to Are also not the ones that I like Romanticize building a life together with So those are two different ladies entirely So do you spend any time

Trying to pursue ladies you want to build a life with? Or do you think that's like Just not in the cards for you? I think I'm so picky in particular That it's hard for me to find that Magical one in a million person That in the meantime I'm like, oh, I'm attracted to this person

I might as well go on a date with her Alright, I'm attracted to her You let the distractions come in Yeah, let the distractions come in And then see if maybe it leads to something I don't know, there's A lot of people are like, you know right away When I knew, when I found her I knew

And it was instant and I got it And then some people are like Yeah, you know, it's fine for a little bit And then we like built up to The partnership of like The idea of living together And moving in and starting a family Like you don't have to be sexually charged

And new and exciting and chemistry For the rest of your life At a certain point that person has to turn into like Okay, now we're partners in life Make a family and like We both rule over this mini kingdom together Right, but there has to be like leading up You can't just like meet somebody

And say like, okay, you're my life partner I respect you and I want to build a mini Kingdom with you You have to like let the Let the excitement wear off Yeah, I think in the ideal relationship The adrenaline, the excitement That like I want to share things with you

Fades just as your like loyalty kicks in Yeah, it's a crossfade Instead of a cut off and then a restart Right, but sometimes this goes down This goes up Sometimes they don't mix Sometimes they don't overlap And you can't like

You can't run that like the distance in between To get to the The next phase And you have to keep your finger on that dial For the rest of your life Which dial? That like excitement versus Loyalty versus

Commitment versus all of it Like you have to I am in a trance Yeah, well then that's really true Because like how many clubs do you go to Where like the DJ sort of sucks at doing that And you leave All the clubs I go to

But there's like some, that's why like It's so rare There's some really great DJs That will keep you dancing the entire night And then some people get married During the intense excitement phase And then that wears off and they're married I do that

Oh no, you did that I do that all the time I do that every time I've been married 70 times You have been married I have Yeah, yeah, yeah You joke but not too much of a joke

No, yeah, you've been married To get back, oh fuck yeah To get back to To get back to her question though She said that Martilda said That she feels like she should be single for a while And I'd probably agree

If you're losing that sensation Of excitement and like that falling in love Thing Within a month With everyone Or with anyone Then there's a good chance that whatever Is going on should be like introspective

And you should probably just be figuring your own shit out I completely agree But is being single also dating people Or are you talking about not even dating anybody Yeah, I'd say probably date I don't know, I'm kind of I'm in that position now where I've been single now for a while

For like the first and longest period in my life How long? 21 years 21 years 21 years 21 years 21 years When you were 7

Ever since I started working in television I've been single It's been a while Yeah Yeah, it's been a bit And it's great And there have been dates And there have been close encounters

And it's like Of the third base Third base Third base Just so you know First date, third base First date, third base But there's still so much to unpack

Like there's still so much shit that You know, I'm not ready to do Like you're saying like Like it's, I'm that person That you run through that list of Like criteria Yeah How they're going to fit into your family

That's heavy shit Right, that's like Okay, so I have to be sexually attracted to this person And also they have to get along well With my mother at Seder And also they want to raise a family in Los Angeles And also they want to yada yada yada Yeah, absolutely

What if instead of a marathon The same girl shifting in and out of this Excitement and loyalty So I'll date someone for three years She'll pass the baton to somebody who's Now more well equipped To satisfy that next phase of my life My life

I do believe that relationship Or marriages should be three-year contracts You should be able to go to the table Every single, like every three years Be like, hey are we still good We still doing what you're option in or not Yeah Like you should be able to have a marriage check-in

Every three years And the default should be break up Right And unless you like really discuss it You're like, hey let's do three years Let's do three more years Yeah, that's a good idea Let's extend just one more years

I mean the NBA limits it at four or five years And marriage is so much more important than that Who would want to sign a 39-year-old To a lifetime contract? That's insane For no millions? Okay About Martilda, I agree that she

She's not ready for a relationship That's why it's not clicking But I think the attitude of being like People bore me is defeatist She should have the attitude of like I haven't found the right person And I'm not going to settle Yeah, I know a lot of people are like

I don't actually feel that with anybody And then they met somebody that was like She or he changed all that I was always bored But then that person made it better So that's what dating is You date them and then maybe one day You'll find the person that does give you the same

And even the people that you were talking about That you like build towards something with That you're like, oh, you know, there wasn't like A whirlwind romance It was like a logical build-up There's still a time, even in those relationships Where something clicks And you feel like they're the person

I don't envy those at all, man The Grinder relationships Like the ones that are just like We met and worked together And then it started to happen after It's like, fuck, you just like Let yourself grow around this weed So it's like water

It was by accident We were around so often It had to have happened But I mean, one of those people In that couple, typically, too Is the one that was like I kept going after it, man I kept getting after it

And then she finally said it But that's like, you hear that at weddings And it's like romantic and cute It's like, I just wore her down Cheers to Sally and John Sally's dead inside Yeah, I mean, but that's how A lot of people live

Concessions Yeah, I mean, we live in a business Where we're traveling and like Burst of work, burst of nothing Can you imagine living in the same place Working in the same city Nine to five every night You come home at five

You don't have to do any work From five to midnight You like have that stability and security I feel like that's a completely different Like way to start, a starting point Than like what you do specifically You're gonna be in New York for three months Okay, so like what is your girlfriend in LA

Say about that And what if she's also an actress And she's gonna be in Hawaii For the two months after that Or shooting a movie in London for like You know, real quick, I have a theory I think Netflix is gonna be the reason A lot of couples stay together

I think millennial couples Are gonna have a better marriage success rate Than our parents And I think it's because of Netflix Netflix and marriage Because I chill so hard Because now you like Everybody has like these great shows to watch

It's like the best thing you can do With your significant other You come home from work You cook dinner and you're like I'll watch three hours of Narcos right now And like I want to stay with you forever I did watch a good media I did watch a lot of more TV

When I was in a relationship than when I was out Like because when I'm alone at home Like I don't feel like the need to just like Binge watch on a Netflix show Yeah But like if I'm with somebody else in the room And I've seen that person day in day out Whatever long

You don't want to talk to them Yeah how much can we catch up How much can we get to know each other We've already been texting all day Now let's sit down and watch Making a murder or whatever the show is called Making a murder Do you want to answer another question?

Yeah Oh this one's from another lady A 21 year old female named Hwetney Hwetney? Hwetney W-H-E-T-N-E-H-Y I hate that name

That's my, that's the worst name I think anyone's ever said on the show Hwetney Hwetney Oh it's so It makes you shudder Yeah There's like Santa

You know there's like some words like moist and panties That people like fucking can't hear Mine is whetney Oh I've never ever experienced that So it's sort of sound making your skin crawl Oh good lord What's the worst last name you could give her? Ugh Cummins

Hwetney Cummins I hate it I love the show writes Hwetney I'm a 21 year old female in need of some guidance My boyfriend of four years has been chewing tobacco Off and on for the past couple years My man The other day I found a glass of tobacco spit under the bed

Gag I was not snooping I was just looking for my underwear It was in the glass Oh moist panties in the glass Hwetney And when I confronted him about it He admitted to be doing it for the past month He claims he is sorry but he can't promise to stop

Because quote that is what addiction is He wants me to help him by asking him every day if he's done it And by going through his stuff I really don't want to be his mom and become a naggy girlfriend Is this normal? Is he just making excuses? What do I do? P.S. with this truth bomb He also confessed to have a crush on a girl in one of his classes

That is cute What the fuck should I be concerned? Always be concerned Hwetney You should always be concerned as a rule Let's tackle the first issue first Chewing tobacco That seems like something you would do I do

I do You do or you did or you don't? Did, don't and done Really? Yeah I mean now I chew this nicorette gum Which is less disgusting because You don't have to spit it out

What's your history with tobacco? Smoked cigarettes An addict since I was 15 15 smoked cigarettes You still smoke? Over 20 years I still smoke if she's pretty I'll walk up and bum a cigarette if she's pretty

Yeah My dad is a lifelong smoker And now for the last 20 years he's been a tobacco chur So he dips It's like a little pot of shit What's the difference between nicorette and the dip? Nicorette is like a chewing gum It's just nicotine

Yeah and for some reason It's in a form where you just chew the gum You park it in your You guys want to try some? I have some in my pocket No Instantly no The chewing tobacco is that

Is it real that there's like glass in it And it cuts your lips a little Yes I think some of them like skull Or one of them has like a fiberglass in it Because the point is to To have small abrasions on your gums Insane So that the tobacco can leech through

Insane Yeah My dad will have cups of coffee Dunkin Donuts cups He drinks it And then he spits in it So he's querying around a cup of coffee All day long

And last summer they visited from Greece And I'm driving the family in a big van that we rented And there's a cup of coffee in the coffee holder And I pick that Oh no And I take a swill And I almost killed six people All of us almost died

You drank his tobacco spit I took a big old swill of his tobacco spit Oh And what was it That's how you become close to your mother Yeah Disgusting The most disgusting

I watched my mom do it once And there's nothing you can do but laugh at the person That's the terrifying thing It's like the whole van lit up with laughter That's when you almost killed them Yeah I was just like I didn't think this was funny

I'm driving the car on a fucking bridge It was horrible It's disgusting It's a disgusting habit But as a tobacco And you have to spit it You don't swallow anything, right? The gum

Yeah, the gum you can swallow The dip you spit The tobacco chaw You spit The snoozes You can actually swallow The snoozes you looses The chaw you bob

The looses you looses And the skull you bowl The snoozes are elusive That stuff you can kind of like It doesn't create a lot of saliva It doesn't like hit those Okay So you understand

I'm kind of skeptical and cynical when it comes to addiction Like a lot of my friends are like Listen, I wish I could quit but I'm addicted And I'm like, yeah, people are, it's hard Like if I also wanted to quit something I loved It would be hard But if it didn't kill me, I would quit And people do quit so I know it's possible

But it's not something that you just love No heroin addict is like Sorry I'm addicted Yeah Like okay Hey I didn't realize

That's the problem Keep on I'm being addicted to coffee is sort of like one thing Because nobody's like Nobody's gonna like force you to quit that But smoking You've never had a chemical I've never like been addicted to a chemical

So I don't understand like An addiction on like a chemical level I understand like Yeah, it would be hard for me to give up Sandwiches Because I really like sandwiches I wouldn't have a sandwich Yeah

That's as far as I can empathize Bad news Sandwiches giving you cancers No No Not my baloney on rye You've had a cigarette I think I've had cigarettes with you

Yeah, yeah I definitely have like I've never been addicted to cigarettes But I smoke them pretty regularly Yeah, like two packs a day But I'm not addicted But if I'm drunk and hanging out with people that do smoke I'll probably have a couple cigarettes

On like a Friday or something Have you ever quit for a lady? Yes You have That was the, yeah Like in a relationship you can't be Successfully respectable Respectful

What does that mean? Well, you can't, you know Like if your lady doesn't smoke She doesn't want to kiss an ashtray Right I'm opening a nigger at her Yeah Because you're feeling it

I've been in relationships with people who Like used to be smokers Then like a year in the relationship Just started smoking again And you feel so helpless You're like, wait a second Yeah I didn't sign up for this

And it's like so You can't really just break up with someone Because they're a smoker It sort of feels like a Like a Just a nuisance Something they can't help But then it's like at the same time

You're like, this is disgusting And I don't want to watch you do it Yeah, it's kind of weird Because like you don't want to be like I forbid you to do it But at the same time you want to be like I will break up with you if you don't do it So it is kind of like you putting your foot down

It is gross But it's also for their own benefit So you can't be that bad A jar under the bed That's a little too close to where you're fucking You just hear the jar hitting the bottom of the bed Clink, clink, clink And all he's thinking about is his saliva juice

He starts fucking the jar And this dude also wants her to Like her to be the He wants her to quit He wants to like be grilled by her every single day He wants her snooping through his stuff So he doesn't lie Yeah

It's sort of on you at a certain point, buddy Yeah, but then it's tough because she's been with him For four years What is it? Maybe that's her threshold Maybe now's the time Oh, pull the plug Cut him loose, whetney

Cut him loose, whetney Spitting tobacco And then the PS is like a huge bomb, man That PS is huge The PS is kind of weird You don't confess to your girlfriend That you have a crush on someone You're allowed to have crushes on people

But don't tell your girlfriend or boyfriend about the crushes You can't stop your thinkings But you can't stop your talkings And your spittics and your smokings I'm so sorry about that I really don't want to become his mom and naggy girlfriend Is that normal? I think it's normal not to want to become his naggy girlfriend mom

Yeah Is he just making excuses? No, I think you're probably He's probably prolonging the situation You're giving yourself time by victimizing yourself You just have to stay on me You have to tell me when I talk about it You have to tell me when I do it

I don't even think about when I'm doing it It's like, yeah, okay, dude There's some responsibility, man I got my shit to do I'll quit next week if you remind me not to have it anymore What do I do? What should she do? What would you do? I think I could put my foot down for smoking

And I don't feel like a bad guy Because it's actually killing them I would tell all my friends to stop smoking Yeah, but what if they're addicted and they don't And you have to be like, what, vigilant and make sure that they stop? I don't understand, like, I'm addicted so I'm addicted I understand I'm addicted so it's hard It doesn't even matter if you understand it or not

Say you're in a relationship with someone, she's smoking And you say, you have to stop smoking She's like, okay, I will But then she just goes out and keeps on smoking What do you do? Break up with her? Yeah, I think you'd be like, you're not doing what I'm asking you to do It would change a lot Well, is she still smoking two packs a day?

Or is she like, oh, I had a cigarette this week She's trying You have no idea, you're finding cigarette butts in the water Under the bed, in a jar In tweezers There's lipstick on this one It's this job that you didn't want where you have to be like sort of a detective But it's not like you're catching anyone cheat on you or something

It's like this very tiny little micro problem That's recurring For me, smoking is one of the biggest things Well, you wouldn't get into a relationship with a smoker But what if somebody you were already in love with just was smoking And then never gave up? I guess it depends on how deep I was in the relationship If this was like ten years in, we have kids

It's like, all right, now I have to fucking deal with this issue I'm not gonna divorce her Four years in, this is the exact scenario Four years is very long You gotta make a decision either way Whether it's smoking or not Four years is like, you know who this guy is You're gonna marry him, marry the smoker, go for it, deal with it

Or get out now You spent four years growing, having a good time and a life with this guy But if you're not gonna marry him, get out Also, he's confessing about a cute girl in his class What's her email address? I'd love to figure that out Yeah, it sounds like he's loading on the back door exits Yeah

He's just like, I can't stop Also, I love this girl Maybe his dude doesn't want to be in a relationship He's being a little destructive All right, let's take a break We'll be back with more questions and answers and Basil after this Especially one in your area But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy

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What up, what up And we are back Jake and I are taking the show on the road To Detroit, Chicago, Minneapolis, and Toronto In the next, let's say, month Let me come to Toronto Dude, are you in any of these cities? You can come by

Do the show with us I'm in Fiji next Okay, so that's, I don't know 11,000 miles away Do a show in Fiji You guys did Australia, right? Yeah, that was close Fiji, yeah

If only we were in Australia when you were in Fiji That would be much more doable Duble When do you go to Fiji? I think like January Oh, that's great For my birthday And your birthday

For our birthdays Hell yeah, dude How close is your birthday to mine? Yours is the 7th? No 8th? 9th Oh, 4th?

Yeah January 4th? Yeah, July, January 4th Exactly two weeks after Oh, July 1985 That's right That is correct Hmm, I'm a January 18th, baby

January 18th, when's yours? August 5th Well, hey Nobody's birthday You tried August 5th is a great birthday, guys Oh, yeah, that's big time A lot of historical relevance to that one

Neil Armstrong Neil Armstrong died Your parents might have fucked on George's birthday Oh, yeah Interesting And that was the only time You were a very premature baby Jake was born

Right after they fucked, yeah Jake was born 9 months too early He came out the size of a poppy seed I just wanted to see my mommy I couldn't wait He just like a poppy seed hanging out on her breast A tiny little poppy And I could talk right away too

And I had a very small voice Mommy So this is our adult swim pilot pitch to you You'd play the role of the seed The poppy seed baby The poppy seed baby boy played by George Basil Beige has the seed Shooting in Fiji

And the doctor who births the seed A bagel man of sorts who birthed the seed George plays the seed and the bagel man doctor Mommy The cartoon takes place in Fiji on location For no reason it's animated in the United Arab Emirates We're already writing the check What are you?

This is an offer Why are you going to Fiji? For wrecked That TBS show wrecked Got it Let's get season 2s of everything And run it back basically You got your shows

Just loop it out Fucking jack in the box That's fun Yeah that would be great Come where you guys where where those shows again Minneapolis Minneapolis Detroit, Chicago in Toronto Yeah, but I'm on Chicago Toronto Toronto Toronto's coming up Toronto's next week Yeah, if you're listening to this actually your listeners on Monday our show in Toronto is this week. Oh, it's like tomorrow Yeah, go to our show god damn it. Whoa. This is happening. So you're already at your show. Yeah

Our show is tomorrow in Toronto. Yeah, or if you're listening to on Tuesday or Wednesday our show is happening now Wait is what's show is on Tuesday is the stand-up show or the Podcast I think our podcast is second, but why don't you guys talk while I look that up? I'll give you a topic. Let's say George hasn't cut his hair in a while. Yeah, when is the last time you cut your hair? Well, I was married and You're Samson All your divorce power is in your hair man. Canada is Mine

Amazing. Yeah, do you got a trim on that hair on that main or do you just like not even cut it? No, no I don't touch it. I mean I touch it, but I don't work it zero nothing Yeah, I should probably comb it more than I do, but I definitely keep it clean with like washing it and conditioning it But it just stays under a hat. Do you like it? I love it. You do. Yeah, you too can have one really I wish What do you mean? I can't grow that hair. What would you would you're currently growing at your hair? Yeah, you're working on it right now You are Medusa our comedy Jake and Amir and friend stand-up show is

Tuesday and our Live podcast is Wednesday at the Queen Elizabeth Theater. It's like a 1200 person venue. So holy shit Our website looks good, huh? This is not our website This is the just for laughs JFL 42.com website. Oh, and it does look at you. That is correct. Thank you Do you want to answer some more questions? Yeah Okay, great Finally a question about from a dude like let's let's help out the fellas a question about that's why we started this podcast Yeah, I don't know we could talk to guys

Hey, if you're a girl and you're listening turn it off or turn it up because we're about to get real So I don't want you listening or I want you listening extra hard or just change You cannot please have it you're playing you're trying you are trying to please the alt-right and feminist You're a Trump supporter or a Gary Johnson fan I want you to fucking turn this shit down, but not all the way Because this one this one is just for you, but remember ladies. I'm with her. All right here stand up and vice-a-versa

Yeah, you gotta just pick a side You're not gonna get them all this is you talking to Jimmy Fallon. Oh come on. Let's talk about it. It's topical guys Do you have a guy's name a guy's name? Yeah, Taird. That's a TRD yeah, T E I R D a T. E I R D. Yeah, last name feature Taird Vigin writes Hey guys, I'm just gonna jump into it I moved away to college this year and in doing so broke up with my old lady

But since we since I've been here we've been having Skype sex and when she says she loves me after I feel obligated to stay to say the same But I moved away so I can have a fresh start and I feel like if I do that I could really hurt her badly So I don't want to what should I do? Cut your throat Cool guy I love that voice. Yeah. Hey, dude got broke up with my old lady because I needed a fresh start still hook up with her on Skype I feel bad not saying I love you. I don't want to hurt her. What should I do?

Remember to hang loose buddies I said cut the cord get me the fuck out, but now I feel bad that I'm hurting her feelings So I will say I love you giggity giggity locals only All right, it seems like he Sort of soft broke up with her. Hmm. Maybe this is his first breakup and he's like I don't want to just drop her off cliff. I'll slowly gently let her down Right, I'll say we'll break up and then we'll have Skype thing that he needs to remember is that he's not Being nice to her. He's deluded himself into thinking that having Skype sex with her and lying to her about loving her

Is the nice thing to do right because love is nice and sorry friend You're doing the mean thing Because you're taking advantage of her love for you So you can still jerk off on Skype and come and then you say I love you because you don't want to feel guilty for Exploiting her and then you want to go out and seize your cheese But you you can't have it all just like you can't have the trump supporters the gary johnson supporters The jill science supporters and the hillary supporters You have to choose one actually I I skipped a parenthetical that question specifically even more messed up is

Uh, I kind of want a fresh start and I feel like if I do that for example start talking to other girls I could really hurt her badly and I don't want to oh He wants to break up. He wants a fresh start But he thinks that'll hurt his ex-girlfriend's feelings. So he doesn't want to do that It'll probably hurt wet knees feelings. Oh, you think this guy's Teared and wet He's chewing chalk He's scolding bowling and coaling. Yeah, I mean you can't like jake said you can't can't have it you got I mean

You know break up to have to do you got to got to take the pain you have to say and you can't be the one that Uh consoles Yeah, breaking up breaking up hurts. But the thing that hurts worse is the half breakup. Yeah is the is like the You know Straddling both sides and like being hurt being free being hurt being free like what the fuck do I do? I'm hurting somebody He you need to cut her off You need no cutter. You need to end this completely. No more skype sex

Understandably difficult when you're talking about like the half breakup, but you're still fully fucking Right like the comfort of a of a partner ex-partner or whatever That you no longer see regularly so you're not tired of them or like in the routine that you funked up But instead you're like you miss them you love them still and then you get to have sex with them I get that. Yeah, that way you can have it all then you eat it all you're single and still fucking her Fuck pain What about gain but The skype thing is that's for me at least that's one degree to removed. I would just like it's over

I don't I don't need to see your vagina. I have one. All right skype is like you don't Oh, I'm so nice. All right. Oh, yeah, I don't I don't have it. No. No, I don't That's how George breaks up with everyone. Have one. I don't need your vagina anymore. I have one of my own So you do not have it. No, I do not have one. Okay, because you're nodding. Yes. No, no, no Not a vagina But now you're just making your head in circles pussy. I see it. I see your vagina. You have a vagina. Wow. Awesome. It's a can. It's a can of Leroy The pussy can it's um, yeah, I I get the half the half stepping on the way out the door is like

classic, but a lot of people confuse being nice with uh, being Doing what's easy the easy thing for this guy is to like Not have this tough conversation with this girlfriend and he's able to say Oh, I'm being nice. I'm not hurting her But you're not you're not hurting her like directly You're not watching her cry because you're lying to her But that's more painful like this breakup the one that he has to have is going to be more painful than if he had Just broken up before he went to school. Totally 100 percent. Oh, I don't want to be nice. It's hard to be nice

It's easy to be me easy and meansy so I'm gonna suggest keep fucking her on skype. Keep saying. I love you. Yeah, that's fine Okay, say I've been thinking about you more and more while you're still dating other girls that way. She's happy You're happy and then you kill yourself in december that way Issues go away. Anyway, your brain's on the fucking wall. Merry christmas skype Please follow my advice. Hey, listen, there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's that what you said is the worst

You advised this guy to kill himself. I'm just throwing a skype. It's subjective. There's no wrong way to eat a racist There is no wrong way to eat a racist a race group Can we answer one more question really quickly? Oh, god, that was my bond. We'll do a quick sesh. Yeah, dude One last girl I can't believe it who three ladies three girls Can you imagine Taylor Taylor tinky tinky taylor tinky taylor and stein Taylor tinky and stein is like a it's a law firm where one of the lawyers sucks. Can you imagine which one it is? I'm tinky

Hey, john taylor truly stein and i'm crack tinky Crack tinky crack tinky Crack tinky writes one of my closest friends is three years younger than me and I've always always seen her as a Younger sister her family has told me that I've been like a mentor to her I've given her advice on pretty much every life topic for five years now Her brother and I are on this at the same college We started out as fuck buddies three years ago

But at some point we became form a formal couple and we're now thinking about moving in together Not only are we great together, but it'll be cost effective and I would really like to give it a try That being said my baby sister from another mister has no idea I'm dating her brother It killed me to hide it from her, but I didn't want to be a bad example to her Mentors don't just have sex with the siblings of their mentees I feel like if I move in with him, I would have to tell her that I've been low-key fucking her brother for multiple years now I don't want to do this for many reasons. So what should I tell her?

love tinky Taylor tinky I'm tinky You know the rule of mentors don't have sex with the siblings of their mentees. Yeah, the mentees go back to fuck buddies Have you ever had a secret or like a relationship where you had to hide it from someone? Yeah, what's the deal with that all of them? They're all secrets. It's called shame blooming felt some people feel it constantly and I'm embarrassed ghosts No, it seems like the mentee would understand that you know as long as you're still a good mentor She's like, oh and my brother

What are you teaching him and then you could have like a weird family three way the real brother? This is like a potentially beautiful thing. Remember in friends when uh ross finds out that Oh, yeah, my sister my best friend. It's like my best friend and my sister and then he just softens He's like my best friend my sister and he hugs them. That's like that's what will happen That's what maybe it might take a little time. It might be tough. It might take a little time, but nobody I don't think she's gonna stay mad forever, especially if your relationship is like Real it's one thing if you're like, oh, I've been fucking your brother and you know I heard his feelings and now we're not together anymore. Now it's gonna be weird. I can't come over the house

Yeah, but it's another thing to be like. Hey, I fell in love with your brother. I'm gonna move in with him I'm gonna be a bigger part of your family. I Still love you. Is it all that shit? That's it. Is it public and safe to say that you've been in this place of this mentee? um Where oh where somebody was fucking my sister I don't know about fucking but dating game with her wanted to be with her and was afraid to tell you Yeah, yeah, yeah, that did happen and how did you react? I was pissed I was pissed for um

For a while, but then I got over it and it was it was beautiful. It was really nice. Is it me? It was you and the dish earlier Uh, I think the only claim she'll have it being quote unquote mad is the Lying about it for three years. I guess you shouldn't have lied about it for three years. That's a little weird But I think she'll get over it and she'll be nice if she actually looks up to you and you're dating her brother She she might be pissed at first But you should still as long as she loves her brother. That's what I was gonna say I hope she has a good relationship with the brother. What if like the brother was the source of a lot of the problems?

I need a mentor because my brother is an abusive asshole You're the reason I'm a mentee. Yeah. Oh, I'm gonna help you. Oh my god. That abusive asshole is hot I wish I had I wish I was a mentee. Will you be my mentor? Are you be my mentee? You retract. All right, never mind. I'll just do it. Sorry Tinky. Uh, you're not a good mentor I'm the mentee. Great. Fuck buddy though. Great. Fuck buddy. How'd that happen to you? Uh, me? Yeah. No, I've never I don't know. I don't I don't like the I don't even like like dating friends of friends I feel a little weird about that. Yeah, my perfect girl's like, oh, nobody knows her Let me introduce you to this nurse from torrents that I discovered

Not like, oh, yeah, I know that girl my buddy dated her and like she fucked this other guy and like three years ago And I tried to hook up with her once Who's that asshole friend that as soon as he finds out your girlfriend he tells you the lot like the list of people She's fucked. Oh, it's like it's so if I'm like, oh, I'm dating this girl when you be like, oh shit Fucking Dave Rosenberg did something to her. I wouldn't say that no Rosie. Well, who's a girl that Dave Rosenberg has been with? Which Brit like Shakira Shouldn't out them he ruined Shakira. Oh, I'm dating this new girl. It's this girl. You would be like, uh, cool You wouldn't be like wait a second. I think yeah, I would just be like that plowder at the bagel smith at 5 a.m

Yeah, I would I wouldn't say anything but I would know that it would get back to you But I would just you know, it doesn't it doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't matter I just I seek to avoid that kind of stuff, but it's sometimes unavoidable. It's unavoidable. We live in a small community Yeah, we're all funny peoples Even a nurse from torrents. She's the funniest of all George married her My 13th new wife Uh All right, cool George. Yeah, this is always hey man. How'd I do I would do this every single wednesday

It's not great to me. Yeah, we could do it from fiji. Actually, we could come visit in fiji Okay, and then we could we just we just need three microphones. I want to come to a show You should come to a show. Yeah, let's figure it out. Maybe the toronto. Do you have anything to plug? I'm not a damn thing, but thanks for having me. Hell yeah, dude That's the cool shit, dude That's the fucking guy I love that shit Uh, it's it's a shame because he did promise his sister. He'd plug her charity. Oh, yeah, that's right. She's not doing so well

But hey, anyway, thanks for having me guys Uh, the opening theme song was written by luka. This closing one is a is a full song by daniel So thanks to daniel and luka for writing Uh, if you have your own theme songs your own questions your own anything Submit it to if i were you show at gmail.com George will not always be here, but jake and i will do our best and it's sometimes that's enough See you next week You gotta come up with a plan right now, but you're dumb and you don't know how

You want to follow your heart and your heart is pure, but you're so damn insecure If i were you show If i were you show Do you know what you already know Advice with sarcastic tone If i were you show With jake and the mirror You

That was a headgum podcast