If I Were You - 237: Motorcycle (Live in Toronto!)

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

In this episode we discuss sexy cars and skinny dipping live at JFL42 in Toronto!This episode is brought to you by DSTLD jeans, BlueApron.com, and TrunkClub.com.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Jake and Amir! Oh! Oh, shit! Wow, yeah! Yeah, tomato, okay! Wow, okay! Wow, wow! Yeah!

Yes! Yes, dude! Yes, dude! That's... Honestly... And I don't say this a lot. I deserve more than that. Are you s- That was like a 30 seconds.

No way, that was like borderline to standing ovation. Borderline a standing ovation. We couldn't even get a word out for like a full minute at the scene. Which was nice. And I do kind of appreciate the alteration. You don't at all, because the first thing you said wasn't thank you. It was, I deserve more than that. And now you're making a very unaffective looking fist.

Oh! Bring the weakest guy on here. I want a friggin' clock his chest. You are the weakest guy. Give me the second weakest one then. I want to see a really boring fight. That's probably me actually. How the hell are you guys? Oh my gosh, yeah!

This is what it's like, yeah. Yeah, this is good. This is cool. Yeah, this is appropriate. You guys, you guys are beautiful people in the front row. I saw you today. Is that possible? Does anybody here, has anybody never heard our podcast before?

They're just dragged here by a very nice, you guys are still excited to yell, but you've never seen the show, which is like a great place to be. They're pumped to try it out. I love that. Which is fun, it's exciting. We'll try to be funny for everybody. No inside jokes.

You like ten people, least of all. Yeah, definitely. We care about you the least, just because... We're more like about the day ones. Who's a day one? Probably true. We love being here. I love being in a city where it feels like there's more Jews in it than just us two.

Yeah. Where are my Jews at? Yeah, where are you doing Russia Shawna next week? Very good. Very good. I want you all to make sure you get to the temple for high holidays. That's really good. Where are the Jews at again?

Where are the single lady Jews at? Amir's mom made sure I asked that, so there was how many just one? Who's parents don't want their child? You're a single Jewish lady? Yeah. Actually, whoa, she's a goddamn dime, dude. I can tell your parents I'm a doctor so easily.

He kind of looks like one. I kind of resemble what a doctor... An orthodontist, but still. Yeah. That counts. Sure does. I'm straightening teeth according to them. They don't need to know what I really do,

which is sit in a room with Jake and talk to a microphone. All right, should we get this party started? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's sit down. Or should I say potty started, P-O-D-U. Get off the stage, man. What? Get out of here.

What the fuck, dude? Are you for real? I want to move up a little bit. Is that going to fuck with everybody's thing? Can we do that? Is that fine? Especially if only you do it, it would fuck it up. Yeah.

Like if I was still back there. This feels dangerous. Every good comedy show has three minutes of moving a table. Everything on this table is imperative to me. Nothing on the table matters to me. Hey, here we go. This is nice. Now I can see.

Hey, how are you? Are you taking a photo? You can do it. Take it. I'll pretend that I'm doing something. Yeah, like, all right, go ahead. Oh, this is good. This is so candid.

So you want the view of the show to be you laughing at them? In a perfect world, a comedy show is the performer cracking up at the crowd. You're right. All right, so this is... Oh, that's really good. It's actually really good. I'm making a point here. I'm making a point here.

That's your Robert De Niro on a podcast. I'm making a point here. This is so exciting. It doesn't feel like a Wednesday night. It feels like a Friday. Are you guys ready to party? Yeah. Are we going to get turned up tonight?

Toronto. So this is an advice podcast. The way it works is that Jake and I get emails from a ton of people all around Canada, and they're all seeking our advice. Some look in Calgary, some Edmonton, some Toronto, Vancouver, Nova Scotia, Ottawa. Keep on going. Halifax. Halifax.

Yeah, where else? Bamf. Uh-huh. Bamf. Right by the Beaufort Sea. Way up there. Oh, yeah. Where?

Uh, I regret this, actually. This is a boring game. Everyone screamed little towns in Canada. Oh, no. I was kidding. We didn't say Montreal. That was the last one, Montreal. And these people are confused.

They're seeking our guidance. We do our best to advise them. Sometimes we're alone in our room, semi-clothed, hard at best, soft at worst. Advising these people. Sometimes we're in a room of a thousand of our closest friends. And that's tonight. How fortunate we are. How lucky we are to be here tonight.

You whispered that in my ear backstage, too. It wasn't cool then. It's not cool now. Okay. As always, these are going to be real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names in order to... Crandus, got you. What's that?

Crandus. Crandus has followed us. Crandus, Crandus, Crandus, Crandus, Crandus. You are the bane of my existence, sir or ma'am. I don't even know. And? Why are you guys yelling? I already said Crandus.

But I love your enthusiasm. Crandus is a male. Crandus is a male who writes. I just forgot how to read. This is insane. Really? This is the worst possible time. I got it.

Okay, go for it. Subdudes, I've recently found myself in the stickiest of situations. My current GF who I live with is working with her ex, who drives a pretty fast motorcycle. He drops her home from work maybe two to three times a week. The thing is, every time he drops her off, she becomes a goddamn horny cock monster and wants to ravish me the second she walks in the door.

She says it's... I honestly, we're going to get there. I don't know if this is hand worthy. This is more of a sad hand. Hand. Hand. She says it's the vibration of the motorbike on her clitoris. She even asked...

We all knew what it was. I don't know. Maybe it's hugging this dude from behind. She even asked if I could buy a hog of my own. I'd be down, but I'm freaking terrified of them. So you wouldn't be down. He's completely in, if not for this one bad fact. So what do I do?

Buy the bike and overcome my fear? Forbid her to get lifts from this dude. Or change the subject. He's in the middle of the conversation right now. Please help. I don't even want a helmet. Love Crandis. Let's go down for Crandis.

Okay. Thoughts, initial frustrations, fears, comments, questions. Ultimately, I think it's a good thing that the girl still wants to have sex with her boyfriend when she comes home from her ex getting her riled up. Yeah, isn't it weird to be emasculated while a girlfriend is asking you to ravish her? Yeah. It is kind of something you wouldn't really be that excited to do. Like, hey, my ex got me horny.

Every time he drives riled up. He's like, hey, bro, finish the job for me. I brought the ball to the one if you want to carry her home. You're the go-line back. Sometimes she wakes up at 2 a.m. and texts her boyfriend just for a ride around the park. Yeah. Actually, will you just call me back? I'll put my phone on vibrate.

Oh, yeah. He could find other things that vibrate in his house like a massage chair. Oh, that's good. Hey, baby, I don't want to ride a motorcycle. Those are dangerous. What if I get you a shower head that sort of rumbles? Here's something that's a little less death-defying. Oh, he drives.

Yeah, obviously, you would imagine that he drives a Hyundai Sonata. Yeah, a Sonata hybrid. Yeah, I was thinking it was a Hyundai Sonata. Excellent pronunciation of Hyundai. Sorry, what was that? I was saying you pronounce Hyundai very correctly. Hyundai? Yeah, a lot of people just say Hyundai.

Hyundai. Hyundai. Yeah, you pronounce it very well. I also pronounce it very well. Hyundai. Hyundai. Sonata. Oh, so is it Japanese or is it Spanish?

A little bit of both, and that's the beauty of the Hyundai Sonata. Either way, what I'm trying to say is you put a vibrator in the seat of the passenger seat on your Hyundai Sonata. This is a weird car commercial pitch. I don't think you got the job. This guy's just a car salesman. What's it called? What's the machine that's also a dildo? A Saibian.

A what? A Saibian? You want it to a stall as Saibian? I did not say that. You could do a little rabbit, like a little, just a little clit tickler. You don't have to do full Saibian. It's not be disgusting. Oh, I'm sorry.

How rude of me to say that. It's actually really foul. We're in front of a bunch of strangers right now, and we're talking about a Saibian. I apologize for my friend. I don't think he can forbid her from riding the motorcycle. I think that that's the worst wienerish thing he can do. Right, right. That match is clear.

It's like, yeah, baby, I can get a hog or actually never ride on his. Oh, by the way, I'm looking into Kawasaki, Ninja, whatever. In case I don't get it, don't ever ride with him again. What does the CC mean after the numbers? Anyway, changing the subject, what was final Jeopardy last night? It was, it was hard. Yeah, Nick got it. Oh, Nick's the X.

Yeah, Nick got the answer. That's really cool. Yeah, he's smart. Andy has a hog. Oh, man. Can you imagine him taking off his helmet? Oh, yeah, you're better believe he has one. Oh, he shakes it out too.

Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. The X giving the X of motorcycle ride that gets her wet. Right, so how do we actually help this guy out? Because in the end of the day, his girlfriend is coming home and fucking him because her X is still getting her off a little bit. Yeah. Put a branch in front of his motorcycle.

Interesting. Oh, yeah. Instantly. Knowing that we would all know that she's done it before. Like it's happened to you before. Sorry. Takes off the helmet, horribly disfigured face. Ah!

You've committed murder. Who said that? The branch, you're a murderer. Police. At the very least, a vehicular manslotist. Yeah, you sort of have to get a motorcycle. That's the worst thing ever. Yeah.

If he's as scared as I am, you should never do that. Because there's one thing worse than not riding one. It's like riding one and not knowing how. So like the thing is like constantly getting away from him. Think of the vibrations that that would provide. Like, not just like a smooth ride. Like a poof, poof, poof. Oh, yeah.

Poof, poof. Suddenly you're coming. Everybody is coming. Half the joy of the hog is to get your rocks off. Ah, actually, frankly, I don't hate killing the guy. What? It could definitely look like an accident. You're suggesting not doing it while his girlfriend is on it, right?

Yeah, yeah, I got you. But that was on rollerblades, the big daddy scene. And this would be a motorcycle. So this would like, no, let's hear her out. I'm sorry, it wouldn't result in bodily harm. It would result in instant death. That being said, pretty funny. I like that as a set piece to a dangerous movie,

but I don't know if I can advise this guy to kill somebody else. Yeah, that's irresponsible. What can he do? Can't buy a motorcycle because he's too scared. Can't forbid the lady because that's too lame. The only thing he can do is the third option, which he says, change the subject. So like, you're the girl and I'm the guy and you ask me.

Hey, will you buy a motorcycle so I can get wet with you instead of my ex? Let's list our favorite apples. Macintosh. Oh, this is working. Delicious red. This is perfect. Granny Smith. Honey red?

Oh, Honey Crisp is a good apple actually. Yeah. Good on you. See, it's already happening. We're already talking about something else. She's definitely going to fuck her ex. All right, let's move on. All right.

One more time for Crandis. This is another guy. We need another guy's name. What do we think? Oh, wait, wait, I heard one. I finally heard one. Did you really? Yeah, I heard Wayne Gretzky.

Really? Yeah. He's a famous hockeyist. Oh. Hey guys, I was hoping you could give me some advice. I'm a 22-year-old guy from Australia still living at home. And a little while ago, I snuck out in the middle of the night to go skinny-dipping. With a lady.

Oh, now really? In our next-door neighbor's pool. I feel like we've wasted it on the earlier one. Yeah, sure. You blew your hat. Turns out though, the next morning, my brother heard the neighbors talking about how their puppy had run away during the night. It seems that not closing the gate properly when I left their yard.

It seems that not closing the gate properly when I left their yard because I didn't want to make too much noise, gave their brand new puppy the opportunity to escape. See, now aren't you guys glad that we called this guy Wayne Gretzky? He's a goddamn puppy murderer. So what should I do here? At the moment, no one even suspects that I had anything to do with it. So it's not even like I'd have to lie. I could just not say anything.

On the other hand, am I a puppy murderer for this? I did mention that. As I said, it was a brand new puppy. So it's unlikely to find its way back and may even die in the streets. Also, I should probably feel guilty for giving the neighbors another reason to argue they seem to do that a lot. And this certainly wouldn't help the situation. Dog's fault?

Their fault? My fault? Thoughts? Thanks guys. Love the show. Love Wayne Gretzky. Let's get up for Wayne. All right.

The great one. Yeah. Well, right off the bat, let's take Dog's Fault off the table. It was a brand new puppy. Yeah. I mean, this baby had just left the yard. I mean, this was a brand new puppy. What are you going to do with that ice?

Huh? What? Why is this happening? Oh, my fingertips are so warm. I'll stroke a bowl of ice. I have to use this at some point. I'm going to put it in my glass. Oh, I thought you were just using it to chill the whiskey.

The whiskey's right here. Great. Now the dirty bottle's in the ice. You don't know how this ice was made to begin with. I'm cleaning the ice by rubbing it on your fingers. Absolutely. All right. Okay.

Not Dog's Fault. It is your fault. It is his fault. He is a puppy murderer by proxy. Would you say anything? Yeah. I'm a big fan of Live Forever. One thing that he's not doing is he's writing this email like already trying to get away

with the murder rather than going out and looking for the puppy. So at the very least, I feel like this is a Billy Madison quote. Yeah. You get out there and you find that fucking dog. That thing's still alive. We got this email yesterday. All right. That's a brand new puppy.

Sure. It's in Australia where everything kills you. Yeah. Now we're just yelling Billy Madison quotes. You can do it. That's from Waterboy. Huh? I know every single Adam Sandler quote there is.

Come at me with your punch drunk loves, with your reign over me. I've seen them all. Little Nikki, it doesn't matter. As long as it's from Happy Gilmore or earlier, I'll know it. Here's a subplot of this question is the fact that he broke into the neighbor's yard to go skinny dipping with a girl. I would be too afraid to do that. But there are certain moments where everything's getting hot and heavy.

I've had someone drag me into an unused conference room of a hotel. That sounds hot, but also could be really, really fucked up. They dragged you against him. No, no, no. I was etherized and dragged by my feet. No, no, no. It was hung upside down from the ceiling and beaten within an inch of my life. It was like a lady that I was seeing.

She's like, let's, would you ever like have sex in this room? And it was so like sexy for her. And I felt bad to be like, no, I'm afraid I'll get caught and arrested. Ooh, I'm really turned on to get a cab and spend 45 minutes getting back to my apartment where we can lock the door and turn out the light. Right. And that's what I feel weird and bad being like the bear of bad news. When someone is feeling so frisky and adventurous.

Right. But certainly there's like, you have to draw a line somewhere. I might draw it much higher than most people. Your fetish is being really, really, really safe. Absolutely. I would jump inside of a condom if I could. I would be a, you're a condom. She's wearing a condom.

That's right. They're a dental dam. And then you're both taking plan B for some reason afterwards. I'm using a grind guard just in case. I'd hate to get you pregnant and wear down my molars. Have you ever been to the point where like this cute sexy frisky moment and then you're like, no, I feel weird. This is bad.

No, I've had sex in public, like in front of people before. But what if you got legal? What if you got arrested? Would you be okay with that? Would you be like, that's a hot cool thing to be arrested for? Yeah, that would be fine. I'd be like, would you get arrested for? I went to Seattle and then I accidentally had sex in a conference room and then an Asian

janitor caught me. Why does he have to be Asian? I'm just painting a picture. That is actually cool. Yeah. Asian janitor caught me. We started Eiffel Towering, babe. One thing didn't lead to another.

We end up in the drunk tank and then we Eiffel Tower the police chief, believe it or not. Unrelated to this incident completely. Sure, yeah. Have you ever gone skinny dipping before? You know what? I think I told this story once. Sorry, Scott. I've been skinny dipping with you, actually.

Yeah, we did it once in the ocean, but yeah, we did go for it. We were with other people, though. It wasn't just us. Yeah, there was one other dude. You know Rosie, right? Rosie was the ocean. Yeah. And another example of how like prude I am, I once went skinny dipping still wearing my

underwear. That's not skinny dipping. That's a bathing suit. But they were like, it was pretty sheer. Your honor. This is you convincing the girl who's naked in the water. My little... This is really revealing, actually.

You can see the pubes through the white. If that's not hot, I don't know what is. Where are you going? Oh, this guy killed the dog. Yeah, lie forever. Yeah, you murdered a dog. You can't tell anyone. Would you say it's incredibly honest for him to go to the neighbors and be like, I went

skinny dipping in your yard? Or would you say that's stupid? I feel like I could delude myself into thinking the dog didn't get out because the gate was open. He got out because the husband got into a fight with his wife, went out to the pub and left the door open behind him. Why does he think the dog was running around the backyard? It's a newborn puppy.

They're probably watching over at every second of the day. Honestly, they probably got the dog as a bandaid for their relationship. They wanted to break up. They said, we can't do it. We have to raise this dog. Who has to take care of the dog? They fucking drowned the puppy in the pool. That puppy is dead and it's not your fault.

That's what I'm going to say to this Australian gentleman. Ta-da. I want this ice and it's like, it's so. Maybe there's like ice at the bottom that I didn't touch. Yeah. Read the next question. Really? Is it that time already?

What time is it? It's 10 o'clock. I guess we are half an hour. Why don't we do take a little break? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's

not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try.

It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow.

For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld

is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code.

If I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code. If I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. Thank you. Thank you for hearing Jake cry for an hour and a half, you guys.

That was really probably the most emotional 90 minutes of my life and I'm sure I think Jake appreciates it too. I just can't believe the entire thing rhymed. I like blacked out for a second. It was really cool. All right. We have... I love Toronto, yes I do, yes I love Toronto and it's true.

What a weird Canadian pirate shanty we made. Do you guys love Stan Rogers? He's the greatest Canadian folk singer of all time actually and I'm a huge fan of his. All right, go ahead. We need another guy's name. Wait, wait, wait. Let's get someone. We always hear these guys.

Let's get someone from the back. From the back. I heard Jobin. I kind of like Jobin. I would say Jobin. Jobin? Yeah, yeah. I was waiting until somebody'd be quiet and then we heard it.

Jobin. Jobin writes, Dear Jake and Amir, I'm an 18 year old and I will be starting my freshman year of college in just a couple days. Hell yeah. I have not really talked much with my new roommate. The only thing we have discussed is what we will be bringing to the room. He told me he has a TV and I told him that I recently bought a futon. I'm not sure but it sounded like he won't...

Who said hands are recently bought a futon? $99 at Walmart. Yeah. I got a hell of a deal. An iconye? It's an Ikea iconye. I'm not quite sure but it sounded like he wanted to set up the room so that we would both use the futon across the TV.

I do not plan on, I know not plan on ever watching an actual television and would very much prefer to keep our sides of the room separate. I tried to hint at it but I don't think my point got through. My question is, is there a way to politely let my new roommate know that I don't want to share my futon? Or will this make me make it too bad of a first impression? Any advice would be much appreciated. Love.

Jobin. Jobin. Jobin. Doesn't want to make a bad first impression. He's made a terrible first impression on me. This guy doesn't want to share an entire couch. That's the definition of a couch. It's a chair that you share.

This is actually a good couch pitch though. I don't know why we brought you back in after the hard day thing. Imagine a bench with cushions. Hear me out. So it's on my side of the room, it's facing the wall, nobody uses it but me. Am I fair to say that this is how to use this futon? If you want a solo couch then you have to buy a chair. That's how it fucking works.

I'm not going to watch your shitty TV, you don't watch my couch, it's the worst impression you can make. I only want to watch the Daily Show, okay? Once in a while. That means you can sit on my couch for 22 minutes with commercials. How big does he think a dorm room is that he feels like he gets a futon to himself? Yeah, the room is already 80% bed. And then 20% futon.

And you better not touch it. So is there a way? Do you remember your freshman year roommate? What should I bring situation? Yeah, I called him, I said I was going to get a microwave, he was going to get a TV. Oh you told him that? What if he's like I already got a microwave? That would have been fine.

Two microwaves, no TV, we're starting off the wrong foot, Hurwitz. Or should I say her bitch? I can't wait to meet you on Thursday. Hoorah! I moved in with a 48 year old RA in the ROTC. He was a ROTC RA. So would you say it's okay to bring a futon and not let your roommate share it? I think in college everything gets shared.

So you better believe like if you think that your roommate's not like jerking off on your futon, that's going to happen. So the faster he accepts that is going to be better for him. Yeah I would hate it if my roommate, you're like alright, hey good news, I got a pretty awesome TV, what do you think you should bring dude? And then you go a couch, okay, we're already good on furniture, maybe you bring a microwave or a toaster oven, maybe speaker, I'm going to be bringing a futon. Where would it go?

In the fucking middle of the room. That's where the only non-bed part is. You want to put a bed where the only non-bed part is. You bunk the beds, you have the futon, you get the TV, there's two desks, two tiny little closets, you both have the shower caddy, and you masturbate when each other is in class, that's college. Jake would know, he went to five. More or less.

What was that? More or less. I'm bilingual. What is it? It's funny about that. What does that word mean? More or less in Spanish. You little puta.

Alright, real quick, don't tell them not to sit on your couch, true or false? Share the couch, you little asshole. Share the couch. You can't always lie down on it. It's not, futons aren't that comfortable. If I, I swear, if I come back from class and you're sitting on the couch, my couch, that's a futon by the way, it folds. Bad.

This becomes this and you can't have any of that. Not the back, not the couch, not the bed. Sit on the floor and watch your TV. Bad roommate, hashtag bad roommate. That you, that's correct. Alright, here's another good one, shit, I'm really sorry, it's another guy, volleyball dude. I think I maybe heard somebody yell Dan.

That's good. Did I know? Did somebody yell Dan? You did? You yell Dan? Alright, I don't know, Dan's so boring. Let's just pick one person. Oh, that's good.

We choose the person and then that person has to yell. How about that guy who's coming back to his seat? We should do that all the time. This guy was coming back to his seat. Did you just go to the bathroom? Where'd you go? For what? He wanted to vape.

Alright, sir, if you can keep standing up and then yell a name at us. Wobbly Bob? Wobbly Bob. Wobbly Bob. That's actually a really great name, Wobbly Bob. You want to read this question? Alright, hey guys, a few weeks ago I was introduced to a girl, hi, through some mutual friends. We hit it off right away and everything was going well, great.

We made out at a party, again, she invited me to, oh, we made out, sorry, I'm a bad reader. We made out at a party she invited me to and the texting slash flirting was going very smooth. Perfect. You're right. Now comes the part that I wasn't expecting. That is where we're all hoping this goes. Now comes the part I wasn't expecting.

As it turns out, a friend of mine has also hooked up with her. This was a while before I met her so I didn't really have a problem with it. That was until I found out he fisted her. A lot of question marks and exclamation points too. My friend who did this wanted to be up front and told me about it. He didn't completely fist her but he did get all of his fingers most of the way up in there so it's basically fisting, isn't it, hey, they're all the way up. Would you sleep with a girl who you know got fisted by a good friend?

I like girls to be adventurous but the fisting idea doesn't sit well with me. I apologize for the vulgar theme but this is sadly the situation I'm in. I'm really unsure what to do so any feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance. Wobbly Bob. Wobbly wobbly wobbly wobbly what? That's a good question because I'm not being like, hey, pound me. You know, like...

Yeah. Hey, rock, paper, scissors, shoot, I got rock. This is not a fist. That's paper. Honestly, that's paper. That's honestly paper. Your group got paper, dude. We're some sort of cartoon dog.

Yeah, so this isn't quite a fist. That's a hand. That's a hand. So talk to the hand. Your girlfriend got a hand. And by a round of applause, let's all give me a hand. I don't know what that is. You guys didn't have to do that.

You didn't have to do that. I do appreciate it. When I read this, tell me of this. This is my theory. Half the people here thought anal fisting. Half the people thought vaginal. Who thought anal? Okay, so it's a little worse than that.

Who knows that that's the dumbest thing you could think? I heard fisting, and I was like, oh, you have a fist in the butt. Fisting is vaginal. Fisting is vaginal, and then anal fisting is anal, and sometimes even anal fisting is just not. It's just this. It's what he was talking about. It's just awesome.

Who said anal fisting is awesome? And are you somebody that was anal fisted? Because it feels like the person that gets fisted doesn't think it's as awesome. They're like, that was an accomplishment. Are you famous DP Wally Fister? Is that what you are? It is weird because it's like I can get over a friend hooking up with an ex or a current girlfriend even though every time I'm going to marry someone and then whenever I see my

friend he can give me the fucking smug look of I fucked your wife. Like seeing your newborn son? I fisted your mom. I can get over the I slept with, I hooked up with. I don't know if I can get past the. By the way, this was in your lady. But this, all five? It seems like it was only four digits because it's like the last four digits of your social

security. Don't give that to anybody. Would you be able to get over a friend fist? Yeah, because this is thinner than my penis. That's what's up. You want me to prove it? Oh, that's your hamstring. It's still though.

It was very thin. I knew where to grab. If I was, and I would love to be the friend that had fisted it beforehand, what an honor that would be. I'd be like, whenever I'd see the guy, I'd be like, yo, pound it. Come on, man. Pound it. Oh, made you smell.

Anyway, how is the old lady? I'm a bad guy. Like in a movie, there's a bad guy. That's my character. I think it's fine. I think it's fine. You can get over a fisting. Yeah, I think it's all right.

Also, this wasn't a fisting. So it was a four fingering. Yeah, but you never want to get into that debate either. Like, by the way, but it didn't fester. All you did was take four fingers in my girlfriend's coochie. Oh, well, here's what you do. You just, like he says, hey, full disclosure. I fisted her.

He's like, oh, you know what? I actually, I heard that. That was a really disgusting experience for my girlfriend. And then that guy sort of crawls back into his own head. She's like, hey, should I stop fisting people? Maybe when I finger people, it's more about getting them off instead of some weird sadistic experiment of how much I can fit. Yeah.

Can I get my fucking watch to touch her clit? Yeah. What a bad idea he has. I want your vulva to turn on the indigo, the indiglo on the Casio. In my apple eye watch. Yeah. You just say, oh, yeah, I haven't done that. Mostly I just get her off using two fingers and I guess you took four and you couldn't

do it, brother. Oh. How do you do that? That's really cool, man. Thanks, dude. Which two fingers do you use mostly, index and down? Yeah, index and oh, two side pinkies. I really like that.

I hate it. I feel disgusting for doing this. No one take a photo, but also do take a photo. And your thumbs are in a Chinese finger trap. Uh-huh. Can't pull them apart. Yeah. So actually this is on the taint.

This is on the. Oh my God. This is quite enough. And then I feel bad. The ring fingers wake up. You're doing shadow puppetry. And these are for the hips. Oh, a Spider-Man.

Yeah. Have you ever seen a dog? Oh. Oh, wait, the JFL thing. Not even close, right? How tall do you think you are if you stand up? I assumed I was 12'1 in heels. Do you guys have time for one more question?

We're going long, but honestly, we love Toronto so much. You guys are the fucking best. I mean, Jesus Christ. What a thrill this is for you guys. Andy Bloom. Nice dude. Oh, wait, I like the thing where we point to someone. The Game Boy?

I don't know if the Game Boy's here. Oh, is he not here? He might not be here. Because maybe he doesn't have his passport and he couldn't get into Canada. He had a DUI. He couldn't get through Canadian custody. Oh. Oh.

That's it. Whoa. Oh. Oh, that's like 10 people that have never seen the show before. I am the Game Boy. What a pleasure. What a pleasure it is to be here in Toronto. Oh, that's all I got.

Now do your Danny Zuko being happy to be here in Toronto. Oh, Sandy. Very close to the Game Boy. That's actually not good. Now Zuko as the Game Boy, happy to be in Ottawa. Go grease lightning, you're tearing out of her job. Grease lightning, go grease lightning. You are supreme.

The chisel fist. Well, well, well, well, what about getting someone in the way at the last row? Who's here at the last? The dead last row? Can we bring the house lights up? Is that possible? Is that so quick and easy?

Or is that a hard thing to do? And then it'll take forever. And we can't do it because there's too many people. Yeah. Nobody's actually on the lights. Just while we're working on it. Can you guys play a stinger? Just play the Fetty Wax Stinger.

No, no, no. I just want to, like, I want all the media going on here at the same time. Oh, the lights are going on. Wow, there's people back there. Here we go. Look at those two. Here we go. And what about the guy going like that in the black shirt over there?

Yeah. You raising your hand. Oh, what a dog. Do you want to stand up and yell a name? Okay. Wait. What's your name? Okay.

And what's the name that you want to yell? Sadiq. Sadiq. What's his last name? Fucking Rodgerson. Rodgerson? Yeah. All right.

Good Lord. Sadiq is fucking Rodgerson, writes, Hey, Jake and Amir, huge fan of all your work. I cheat on my girlfriend and I think it makes me a better boyfriend. I guess I'm much more affectionate and much less irritable because of it. However, I do sometimes experience a pain of guilt. So here's my question. If cheating on your girl makes you a better boyfriend, does it make it okay? Please say yes.

So I don't feel guilty anymore. Love the worst person on earth. Sadiq Dube's fucking Rodgerson. Okay. Yeah. Do you understand his logic though? I understand. You know what?

I do understand his logic because that does happen. I have somebody that cheats on girlfriends, you actually, you know, you can boo, but I'm going to tell you a goddamn truth as somebody who cheats on their girlfriends all the time. When you do that, you wake up and you feel guilty and you want to be closer to the person that you just hurt. Boo is correct, but you understand what the logic is. What I don't understand is that he's so deep into being backwards, that he wants us to justify his bad behavior so that he doesn't feel guilty because there's this weird voice

in his head where his parents succeeded even a little bit that makes him say, maybe this isn't a good thing. Should I stop? No. Let me email Jake and Amir for now. And get to the whole fixing myself later thing. I mean, the premise is obviously flawed. Cheating on your girlfriend doesn't make you a better boyfriend.

It actually makes you a very bad boyfriend. And just in a way that if she doesn't know about it, if a tree falls in the woods, does it still make a sound? If she just feels like this boyfriend is being nice to her every six days. Let's put that to rest. It makes a sound, obviously. Correct. The tree falls down, it makes a sound.

I mean, on a philosophical level, if nobody's there to experience pain of being cheated on, then here's it. Good luck finding an empty fucking forest, dude. I like how logically you're thinking about this. He should replace cheating with bowling. So every six weeks, he fucking gets wasted, goes out, and bowls. Then he comes back and he's like, I'm so nice to my girlfriend. He still gets to be nice to his girlfriend every six to eight weeks.

And then instead of feeling guilty, he's just getting better at bowling, which is, well, actually, he's pretty tight. What if he's bowling wasted? He's probably not that good at bowling. Well, that's why you're supposed to bowl. You're supposed to be wasted. That's why people do it. Cheers.

Namaste. That's actually fine. So most of the time, when he's not cheating on his girlfriend, that's when he's a bad boyfriend, right? So when he's forgetting to fuck other people, that's him. That's he gets irritable. Sorry, I just I'm dealing with a lot of work right now, and I haven't fucked one of your friends.

Well, like, I am just my boss is counting me and your friend Melissa didn't blow me. Wait, who didn't blow you? I'm just like, I'm just really overworked. Oh, that sounds bad. And undercombed. A what? Undercombed. What's that made?

Hell, I am indeed. So in conclusion, what do you think of the bowling instead of cheating idea? Bowling versus cheating? What's that? Were you asking me or were you asking the person that just yelled that bowling's not that cool? Actually, the bowling, you could still, you could still get off. Wow.

The ball has three very tiny holes. And if you put your two pinkies in the little room, oh, and then you're like thumbs in the hole. The Gameboy's back. Okay. Oh, it's getting hot in here. And that's the Gameboy fucking a bowling ball. And that's what we've been building up towards all night.

Is it not? Guys, thank you so much for coming to our show. I'm so happy to have been here. Thank you. It warms our heart to see us so many smiling faces. It makes us want to come back all the time. So thank you so much for coming and applauding and laughing and partying with us. I don't know what else to say other than Todah.

Let's just end with a little song. Okay. Oh, Canada. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Yeah, if you are debating it, think about this. We've had a podcast for over three years, and we're just coming to the Midwest for the first time. Think about the next time we might do this. I'll be well, well dead. Oh, yeah. I'll be gone for years.

This may very well be your one chance to see us if you live in these areas. So please, come on down, party with us. Maybe we'll hang out after, take a picture or two. Oh, I'm definitely hanging out after. I'll hug some people or shake some hands, give some high fives. I don't care. I'm trying to meet some cool bros or some cool gals to take me out in mini, shy town. Detroit, the Motor City.

You've never been to Detroit? Never been to Detroit. Ever. Have you ever been to Michigan? Yeah, I've been to Michigan, Ann Arbor. Oh, yeah, Ann Arbor's fun. Yeah. Shit, let's go to Ann Arbor, actually.

That's a great idea. Yeah, so the Detroit Show has been cancelled. No, it's still on. It's still on. We'll see you guys soon. Thanks for listening. Back next week. That was a hate gun podcast.