If I Were You - 24: Braces

Episode Date: September 26, 2013

In this episode we discuss whether or not it's ever okay to hide your flaws, steal money, or hit a woman.This Bonus Thursday episode is made possible by HuluPlus! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for a free trial of thousands of TV shows and movies. Every click helps!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Take in a mirror, I'm gonna tell you what to do It's the best in the price you can get from two dirty juice, dirty juice Take in a mirror, I'm gonna tell you what to do If I were you, if I were you We have to stop singing on this podcast, huh? Why? I don't know, because legally we can't pay for the rights to the songs No, we're not allowed, yeah, that's definitely illegal

We have to just change the words Also, that's another theme song where she called us dirty juice That's like a weird thing that it's okay I feel like we never said that to each other So it's sort of, is that an inside joke, or is it just people taking the liberty? They seem so close to us, they can like raz us about that Yeah, you little dirty Jew Excuse me

Excuse me, Lucy Cooper, I don't think you're of my religion Yeah, I don't think that's allowed, Lucy Yeah, nobody, sorry Lucy, you actually can't call us a dirty Jew You dumb woman Especially because I'm only half Jewish, okay? No, that's not why Oh, it's offensive I'm just saying like, you're a dirty Jew and I'm half Christian, I'm half normal

No, no, that's not, I never, yeah, there are no Jews named Lucy I know for a fact that Lucy Cooper who wrote that theme song is not Jewish I never went to a bot mitzvah, I've been to probably a hundred bot mitzvahs Not once for someone named Lucy That's right Although I do like the name Lucy Yeah, Lucy's nice Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Wow Really? You're good at that You mean it? Yeah Cool I really mean it I really mean it sarcastically

I was nervous you were mean it sarcastically I mean it really, yeah My fears have come true My fears have come true Yeah You really harassed me on that shit Yeah Yeah

You insulted me, then you relieved me, then you insulted me worse Yeah, I didn't relieve you You said, you said, you said, you said, wow I said, I really mean it You were like, oh please, please And you were like, oh wow And I was like, oh that hurt my feelings You're really good at that

And I was like, oh thank god And then you were like, I'm saying it sarcastically And it's sort of just like It was more than a gut punch It was a goddamn wake up call Anyway, this is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet That's also hosted by these two Jews

I'm Amir Dirty Jews and I'm Jake You're dirtier than me The only right now And always Yeah Sorry You don't value showers as much as I do

Yeah, you're right, fine, I'm sorry I don't even know why I'm defending myself You're a very clean person organizationally Yeah So why can you go three days without showering And be okay with it I could go, I mean I could go a week without showering And be okay with it

And I'm sort of the other way I'm sort of messy But I need to shower at least once a day Yeah, you also like, I mean I don't wash my hands I'll eat off the floor Yeah I know germs don't bother me It's more like, it's my organization

As long as they're organized, the germs My organization comes from like having a sort of a bad memory So I like to like know exactly where stuff is all the time Oh and I have such a good memory That I can keep my place and my brain scattered It's kind of true But as long as I'm clean Yeah, I mean I'm like so

I know where everything is in my pockets right now I could tell you the order of the cards in my wallet Really I believe I could The order of the cards What do you mean the order? Like the business cards? Yeah, I could

Here's my wallet Let's see if I can do it Okay, so the first one facing me is My ID Correct Second one facing me right behind that Triple A card Correct

Third one Gym membership Yeah, that is true Fourth one Oh, there's a fourth one? Well, there's another layer Oh, the next, yeah, yeah, of course The second tier

The next layer I believe is my IAC access card Correct, four for four Followed by my credit card Yes, that is true Followed by my debit card That is correct Yeah Nailed it

I could do the other side, I think Oh yeah, there is another side Alright, flipping the wallet over Who is Metrocard Correct What the fuck Now I'm second guessing myself I believe behind my Metrocard would be my

My health insurance Yes, etna And then my dental insurance No Oh, no, it's a car insurance Then your car insurance Then it's dental Then it's

Do I not have my dental card? No, you didn't I lost it then See, that's how I know Okay, so what's after your car insurance Then it's Starbucks You got two more cards Yep, Starbucks

And then one more card REI Nailed it I thought a 10 for 10 No, I missed the dental Nah, it's okay, I wasn't in here Anyway, that's our show Thanks so much, everybody

Join us next time where Jake guesses the bills in his wallet You want to see something really impressive I actually memorized my credit card, expiration date And pin code on the back Here we go, 8-5-8-5-1-5-3-3-8-5-8-6 You think if you gave away your credit card number right now Your number and your expiration date A lot of people would start charging shit to it

Probably At least just to see if it's real or you think that You know what this is? Sorry, it was bothering me The new health insurance This covers my dental and medical So you used to be two cards So you added both

I fucked it up And now you're going to spend the next three minutes reorganizing your wallet Because as I was taking the cards out I was putting them on the table Which really kills you So I know exactly which way they have to go But you know what, those cards are really dirty And you're going to eat a sandwich later without washing your hands

And that's fine That's true As long as it makes you actually sick, physically ill That's fine As long as they're in the same order Well like it's No, I'm sort of like a teacher You know like teachers have really great immune systems

Because they're around sick kids all the time Yeah I just don't care about germs But I very rarely get sick Because they're around Jeff and Dave Rosenberg all the time Yeah, Jeff Rosenberg is a giant germ He is the disease of 35 kindergarteners Jeff I believe has chicken pox right now

Which is insane Chicken pox and smallpox He's tested two for two on the pox exam Did we say what the name of the show is? I think so Yes we did This is if I were you This is the longest intro ever

Anyway, the way this podcast works is that we accept emails From people who are on dire straits And they need our advice They don't necessarily need our advice They just need any advice And we do our best to offer them what we would do in their situation And hopefully it helps them out Yeah

That email, if you want to email us in If I were you show at gmail.com That email is just open to you It's open to the public First ever public email And anyone can use it White people, other, miscellaneous No more Christians though

Christians and etc can use it And yeah, you can even submit your own theme song Lucy Cooper did that She called us, hers was borderline Not even want to say borderline Was anti-Semitic She's part of the Hitler Youth or something We still played it

So you can imagine how open we are So please send those over too And alright, let's get to it Let's get right to it As always, these are real emails from real people But we're going to give them fake names to preserve their Anonymity Anonymity

Anonymity Alright Anonymity Here we go, one time Hi Oh, this one's from LeBron J Interesting Hey guys, just started using Tinder

After I heard you guys talk about it But I need help with my profile I'm 21 and I have braces Should I let the braces show or hide them? I don't know, I don't want to fool people The first thing I do But I still want those swipes Help me, Jake and Amir

So this is a Tinder owes me money Can we all agree? Tinder owes me cash I really feel like they either owe me Cash or snatch Cashes equals snatches Cashes equals gashes

Oh, I hate that word for vagina That's what Streeter says What? Gash Mad gash I mean, he doesn't say it normal He makes fun of people who do say it I like cash as equal gashes

That's really fucking gross But even to zoom this out even further It's like, if you have a physical thing about you Everyone has a physical thing that they don't like The question is how much can you hide it in a picture And is it worth hiding it Because they're going to find out about it eventually I think you just got to own it, bro

I mean, I wouldn't do it like main picture Also, when do you get your braces off? Maybe don't join Tinder till they're gone Oh, how dare you Sorry, I'm just kidding I was a late braces user, actually Wait, didn't you have braces in college? I had braces

10th, 11th, and then 12th grade And I was going to have them throughout college And I had to sign a waiver I was like, I don't want braces in college And he's like, you're still about three to four months away From having a perfect bite I'm like, that's fine, take them off I don't want them at the beginning of college

I mean, I remember I wore braces for 8th, 9th, and 10th grade And when they got up My braces got taken off My dog ate my retainer And then I just have crooked teeth again It's crazy My dad spent so much money

Now your teeth are good I mean, they're fine But then I got perfect This is what they looked at before braces I mean, I guess maybe it was a little more crooked But Jesus It's weird that braces seem like a medieval thing We shouldn't still have braces

Yeah, braces They should be able to surgically reorganize my teeth And then in two weeks I think that's way more expensive You get veneers No, I don't have veneers I want you to like mold I want you to physically move my teeth

Into a straight fashion And then for like two weeks They're sore and then they're set And they're fine again It's torture, it's crazy It is torture Do you have a spacer? Do you have a spacer on the top?

Oh yeah, with the retainer With the key God, that was dangerous What have you got? I got that I also don't know how long I had it now Because time moves so slowly I think I had it for forever

I might have had it for six months And it might have been two weeks I have no idea I just know it was miserable An expander, that's what it was Yeah, an expander I remember I ate a chocolate muffin the day I got it And when I came off

There was still chocolate muffin in it Oh, God Just like six months Or maybe three weeks of just... What about space? You called it spacer But for me, spacers were little rubber bands They put in between your teeth

Well, there was a jaw spacer And then regular spacers, I think Mine was called an expander Oh, jaw expander That meant like two You put it... It's like a car roof on your route It's like a metal 10 disc

All of our fans in England are like What are... Sorry, I don't understand I don't get what orthodontistry is in general I remember when... My mom got braces when I was in high school Whoa She like...

She needed them Mama, hey mama Did you ever get back to you about being on a show? No, but didn't that episode just come out on Monday? Yeah She was in Tennessee I think she hasn't listened to it yet Okay

But what the fuck, mom? She... I remember like she picked me up from school And she had the braces And I was so unsupportive Like that must have been not easy As a 40 year old... Mama will lose her

And I saw her, I was like Oh no, they're so bad I like to feel guilty about that to this day But yeah Orthodontistry is like such a medieval torturous thing Like you crank your teeth slow Once a month you crank them into a tighter More different position

And then like for the next day You just can't... Can't hurt Yeah It's like, oh I have a toothache on all my teeth Right My whole entire face hurts For a day and a half

I can't bite Because it's filled with metal Also like if anything ever happened to your lips They would just bleed Because your lips are just Oh, they pressed against the sharp metal in my mouth A lot of our fans are like Pushed my face and it was like

Gushing blood And I just had scabs for a fucking week A lot of our fans are like Listening to this with braces And I hope this is making them feel better Or maybe it's just making them feel a ton worse I mean yeah It's one of those things that really doesn't get better

It's just gonna suck every single day until they're gone But then when it gets When it comes off Your teeth are gonna look great for six months And that's it No, they shift back No, they do not shift back Your teeth aren't perfect anymore

No, they're not perfect But like how they were were really bad They were like really crooked Fine I think they are perfect actually No, my teeth are perfect They really are perfect Except for the fact that when I smile

The gap in between my two front teeth Don't align with the gap in between my two bottom teeth Other than that, it's a pretty much Look, look at me Oh yeah Also, look how ohered That's so weird You are not moving your jaw at all?

That's just Yeah, I have like an overbite Where if I eat a sandwich And like a piece of lettuce is in between my two Like my front teeth and my bottom teeth It'll just slide right out Because I can't I don't have a full closure

Interesting But you know what? I'm still like a well rounded nice guy I just have No, I mean it has nothing wrong with you I mean your teeth are okay And you generally suck as a guy I'm not saying they're connected

I'm just saying Don't call yourself well rounded That makes sense Yeah Hey, you're lowering my mic You're here What are you doing? What are you doing with my levels?

Get off of me You're hurting me Either way, which of this guy do Put his braces in his profile picture I would just bury him I would do no braces on your main picture And then three pictures in Show him the truth

It's tough Do you want to show the truth now Or do you want to delay the truth later I would almost want to show the truth now Because you don't want to see someone swipe you to the left AKA disregard you in person You want them to do it in the privacy of their own home If they're cool with braces

Maybe they have braces too Then they can swipe you to the right And when you show up to a date You can be extra excited Yeah, it's very true It's kind of like when you use Tinder Should I swipe to the right always Because then when I get a match

I won't be as excited But I'll get more matches Right Or should I be super selective Rarely get a match But when I do It means a lot You just know it's dope

Yeah, I would I mean, you want to be meeting up with people That are going to be cool with the braces You don't want that to be a thing That you have to talk about So just put the braces Not in the profile picture But have them there

Because they're not like who you are Your profile picture doesn't have braces They're not permanent But, I mean, yeah A lot of people sort of hide Like a lot of I don't use Tinder But I've seen you do it

And a lot of times It's like two girls On the front page What are those girls trying to do? I mean, I think they're insecure I guess But usually you have to just Go through their pictures

And then you find out which one Which one she is I had a friend, my buddy Swiped this girl to the right And he's like I don't know which girl she is There's a different permutation Of three to four girls and everyone

And he has to like play mastermind To try to narrow it down And then he's like I went on a date with her And she was cute I still don't She could have been an even sixth girl Like

I had no idea He just had no idea Who they were I've been dating her for six months I am not sure which one she is Yeah And usually a good rule of thumb is If there's two girls

In the profile picture It's the uglier one Because the hotter one Would never put an uglier one In their profile picture Because they don't want to be Mistaken for the uglier one I've also seen hot girls

That are like Do it to almost seem down to earth I think Or maybe they are down to earth Or maybe Who knows why anybody does anything But they Anymore

I've seen hot girls Not be the only person In their profile picture So a hot girl And then a less attractive friend And she's the hot girl In the main profile picture Oh yeah

It's rare It's rare You see it Have you ever met with a Tinder Not like totally rare though I mean I feel like almost half the time When I'm like

Oh I hope it's this girl Half the time it's very rare then It's really rare If it's half then it's rare What was the question we were going to ask What? Have you ever been blown away With how different someone's

Real life appearances Versus how they represent themselves online Yes Like holy shit You're much worse Yeah usually Once was worse And once was better

And I met people on Tinder Where they were like You look better than your pictures And I was like What? Really? Well in general you're more attractive Than you are in your photos

You're not photogenic Me? You're not photogenic You're mean Even so fine If I'm not photogenic You're just a bad person Yeah

But you can't capture that In the pic Picture anything You actually sometimes can There's a picture of you Kicking a dog There's a picture of you Flipping off a toddler

There's a picture of you Sort of giving your dad a paper cut So that Yeah that comes off In this photo You can tell you're a bad guy There's a picture of you Sort of stepping on a cat's tail

And you can sort of tell It's on purpose There's a picture of you Sort of like You're scowling Yeah There's one of you holding a can Of a kerosene

Outside of a What's it called? A burning orphanage No not the What's the The habitat The place where you rescue dead birds Oh the humane society

Yeah Right outside of a humane society There's you petitioning For the closure of one Yup This is all my Tinder profile When the cops came through Me and Dreyce did

Next to a burnt down house With a canful of gas And a handful of matches A handful of matches Oh Tinder Still one found out Still one found out

Oh is Tinder and matches a thing? Is that like a A part? Yeah yeah Because it's like I mean again their logo Is like a little flame It's like let's create the spark

Whatever you know Keep the flame alive There's a lot of Fiery stuff Yeah it's really cute Alright Anyway one last thing I'll say Is that some people are attracted to braces

I hooked up with a girl with braces once And it was I mean she was 14 But you have to understand I was 8 Yeah I mean sometimes it's kind of sexy When? I don't know it was sexy for me

Sexy to hook up with a girl with braces Yeah Because like she's innocent and young Yeah she's seen Unless she wasn't But she seemed it because the braces Oh wow Huh

Yeah Maybe I'll get braces Shut up dude That'll turn you on Ew What? Ew You said it would

No I didn't I absolutely didn't say you Getting braces would turn me on It would but I would never admit that I wanted to get into how weird it would be To Become an orthodontist To be able to choose any profession

In the world and you want to choose The one that tortures teens Yeah but you also I remember when I got my braces off I was so happy Yeah so you're giving So you're torturing, torturing, torturing Releasing into the wild

A beautiful young 16 year old Beautiful Alright Next question Question number two This one comes from someone I'll call Chris Bosch

6 foot 11 inches 260 pounds out of the university It's actually from Dwayne Wade We're disguising his name To preserve Dwayne's anonymity Dwayne I know you're listening out there Hey best of luck this season man Do you pay in LeBron

Pay in Dwayne Wade This is a very Sorry hello Jake and Amir There is a very tough rotunda girl That lives in our uni halls And always comes to clubs with my group When she gets drunk She gets violent

A few times she punches and kicks me Especially if she sees me eating meat As she is a vegetarian A few times she has even knocked me to the ground On nights out I've told her many times to stop doing this As it is odd but she won't Should I just give her a beating

And teach her a lesson? Regards Chris Bosch What is this What is this Weird school you go to Oh it's an English school Oh I see

No braces I would never advocate hitting a woman But this is as close as it gets It's so weird Like a rotunda girl who's really Physically fit and can hurt you And it's also And you can't defend yourself

Yeah why do you think you can just give her a beating Oh me and all my girlfriends are going to break into a room With socks filled with nickels And just sort of Give her a beat down to end all beat down Oh the old nickel sock We're going to send her to the goddamn ER It's also funny that this girl is like

She's a vegetarian So she cares about the well-being of animals But we'll just beat the shit out of someone That's eating me I'll beat the shit out of a human Before I ever kill a chicken I really think people that are into like fair trade And all that stuff

And should just be violent That's how shit gets done right Yeah actions speak louder than words As long as you're not hurting an animal Come on If we get you eating meat Vegetarians are just going to punch you in the face You're like a scab

During a strike or something She's like a physical activist Like the kind that like cause like break-ins At like animal hospitals and stuff Yeah yeah and like Oh they like free animals And they like toss red paint on people Yeah like environmental terrorism

Oh shit That's cool That's actually really sexy All those people deserve beatings Yeah what do you do Somebody's already You've talked to them several times Would you try maybe holding her hands

So tightly that it does hurt her Yeah But like you're actually not physically harming her Right But like you're squeezing it so tight That she gets the point And she's only really really in pain Cause she's struggling to let go

Yeah exactly that's her Or like you can shove her Like get away from me If you shove her to the ground It's not technically hitting Uh huh If you push her you winch Yeah and then you push her

You shove her into the ground And she gets the message But you technically didn't strike her Spraying a fire extinguisher All over her room or something Yeah Like destroying her personal property Physically scaring her

Intimidating her Yeah You just get a knife And brandish it every once in a while Brandishing weapons Yeah basically threaten her Or like slice a little bit of her leg fat off Oh wow

Yeah like you're sort of trimming a turkey I guess I would also Just talk to your RA I don't know what the equivalent of that is In England but Talk to some authority figure at school maybe He doesn't want to be a pussy about it Oh tell on her

I mean yeah This girl hits me Oh you can't hit her This girl's probably named Becky Is that safe to say Stop hanging out with her Can you just stop hanging out with her Well she tags along and goes to the clubs

Alright next You're done? Yeah give up There's nothing you can do except beat her But I'm not gonna fucking say that on the podcast Okay maybe give like opposite advice But like in a way that's actually advice So for example what shouldn't you do Wink

Oh I mean whatever you do Don't Don't I don't throw a swift left hook to her To her neck okay You do not want to You do not want to rabbit punch her in the neck And you don't want to

Push your thumb into her eye That's something you wouldn't want to do Also don't take your heel and give like a swift kick to her Like thigh meat Yeah that's not good That might bruise her pretty bad Ripping out her earrings would be something Oh god

Don't do that Okay And just like Grabbing her nipples and squeezing Oh Jesus I'm just saying Don't do that Now I'm getting turned on

You ass Yeah don't like Grab her nipples and squeeze them And pull her towards you Yeah don't let one thing just lead to another And whisper like Oh god You like it rough do you

Holy shit you keep hitting me What if I hit on you Yeah You want me to slap you with something else Yeah like bend her over your knee and spanking or something Yeah I'd be like Oh I'm gonna hit you back Oh you're gonna hit you back

Oh I'm gonna hit you back Oh We're both jerking each other off I really don't know what to do Aside from Spank her I think She's earned a spanking She's earned a grade B spanking

I'd like to spank a rotund girl I really would like to spank a very Tough rotund girl That is the sexiest thing I've ever heard you say It's funny cause it's true Alright let's uh Let's take our little Intermission now

Oh not bad Oh you know what we have to do Yes Finally give our shout outs to our Harry's buyers We really fucked that up We uh we said if you forward us your receipts from Harry's Razors that will give you a shout out We forgot to do it

Sure did So this isn't technically a break right now This is work Yeah Please don't charge us for this Next 30 seconds So we really do apologize for not mentioning you earlier Kevin B

James H Fariba H Noah K Keith S Herbert C Mike D Jack D Tanner W

Raymond S Christian N John K Mason A Eric J and Jake R Ooh I thought it was going to be me Oh no we don't have to give you a shout out

You're already the star of the show aren't you Wow I appreciate that Oh come on man That's what you wanted to hear right You're the star You're the funny one I am the star of the show Oh during the web series

I get the gate all alas And everyone loves Amir But now this is my fucking time to shine Amir's my goddamn co-pilot What the fuck man Say that Say if you mean it say it Yeah it's finally your chance to ride on my co-pilot

Yeah you really think so You really think so You think you fucking carry the heavy weight I think I carry the heavy weight I think podcast wise I do the heavy lifting No I bled for this podcast You know man How so

I got blood drawn for my STD test After I mistakenly told a bunch of impressionable tweens That they couldn't get herpes unless there was an open wound Yeah so that's what's up Um Holy shit Sorry our first fight A lot came out there

That wasn't us That was um No it was you it wasn't me I'm not like that he's like that I hate to point fingers but here we go Right at you buddy Uh should we Is the break over?

Shit Oh let's mention our shows now So we don't have to even do it at the end We have a show coming up at Comic Con Who's gonna be at New York City Comic Con Me me me me me Shut up Shut up we'll see you there

Shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up If you're gonna be at the New York City Comic Con Uh we are doing A Live If I Were You with Pete Holmes Which is probably gonna be the highlight of our podcasting lives Yeah that's true Uh Pete's just this very funny comedian I'm sure you guys know him already

He has a show coming out on TBS called The Pete Holmes Show And he's gonna do be part of our live show A Live If I Were You at NYC Comic Con He's very very outstanding Pete's probably my favorite One of my favorite stand up acts It's weird cause we knew Pete before he was a stand up comedian So to us he was just like a funny dude

Right And then we saw him do stand up Well actually I used to I mean I didn't hate Pete cause I didn't know him But I used to really hate when he would come to the office Cause his laugh would be pretty loud And I was like not part of the Cool crew

I was too scared to like turn around So I was at my little intern desk listening to Pete crack up Cackle Like I think Pete's laugh is so enjoyable When you're in on the joke with him When you're like making him laugh Or he's making himself laugh

Like just around You know like when you're When you're in the circle Right but I was just like trying to pretend Like I wasn't paying attention to you guys And just like hearing him cackle I was like oh my god it's in my ear Well hopefully we're gonna be on the inner circle

Of it come NYC Comic Con time All of us will be And it's gonna be amazing That beautiful laugh If you're there do that And if you're not a comic con You can come to a live podcast taping At Brooklyn at Littlefield on November 6th

Part of New York City Comedy Week Something Please come it'll be awesome Something like that Yeah yeah And that'll be our first official If I were you podcast taping And we're gonna tape it and put it online too

And we're trying to take like audience questions and stuff So come and like It'll be interactive Participate Be part of the show And you said you'd kiss one person on the mouth Yeah I did promise it was gonna be you Yeah

But it is somebody who's getting kissed on the mouth That'd be nice I'd love a little kissing booth or something Oh that'd be funny Sell your little kisses Yeah So free I'll smooch anybody that asks

I really will And that doesn't have anything to do with the podcast It's just sort of how you live your life right Like you have no standards So you'll pretty much smooth anybody or anything I'd kiss girls, kiss guys The only person I would never kiss is myself Why is that?

Cause I'm not real What even you're not real I wish I didn't exist I'm invisible I'm small I am Yeah I think I'm

What I think I'm a little bit of a A little bit of a despicable Despicable little shit Why do you think that? I don't know No too much self-loathing I'm gonna celebrate myself

You really are a You're just two extremes of the same human You're like At one end You hate how you are sometimes And how you act And then Within the next hour

You're a god You think you're one of the most impressive people on earth But you're never in between That's not fair I never say I'm a god I'm the most impressive But you think you're so I mean I guess I like

You have the confidence of someone who's like Exuding copies Right I have confidence Yeah I get confident There's times where I'm like I'm on top of the world I'm on top of the world Everything happens for me

And then there's times where I'm like I'm a piece of shit I deserve to die Yeah But I think that's normal Everybody all day thinks they're a god And an asshole But I never get very high

Or very low I guess it's just like People have it to varying degrees And I'm extreme I'm a Zen Buddhist in that regard I think No you're sort of just like An emotionless robot

I'm sort of like You're like Emotionally involved In that regard No you're sort of like Emotionless No I'm like You're stunted

I'm a mature adult in that regard You are You're nothing I'm sort of everything in that regard In that regard I am Yeah I'm better than you in that regard You're saying this in a mirror I'm just better than you

In that regard I'm better than you Because I'm the real thing And you're just a goddamn reflection Yeah this is you Having too much confidence This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you BetterHelp

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I suppose so Hold your nose and fall backwards Into the goddamn swimming pool Of questions we're about to enter Come with me There's time for maybe one more Under the sea Darling, it's better

Downward it's better Take it from me Out in the sun They play, I'll tape Alright, here we go Ummm Oh, he's a good one This one is from Chris Birdman Anderson

Woo Another email from Dwayne Wade He's pathetic Hey guys Every day some dude from work Goes on a Starbucks run And having the closest office to the boss I would always carry him his coffee

Recently he started tipping me for the coffee Let's just say he makes a lot more money than me So his tips were very substantial I don't think he knows that I'm just keeping the money For myself Am I just an asshole? Or am I doing the right thing? It's definitely not the second one, right?

Yeah, those are the two extremes Am I an asshole? Or am I a Robin Hood, I think? Am I sort of a social vigilante A secret humanitarian in that regard? You're not What are you talking about? Am I doing it right?

He's stealing tips Because he's the one actually Is this right? There's no other gray area To be clear, I think the boss is giving him a tip To give to the guy who's either going on a coffee run Or making the coffee at Starbucks There's two middlemen

And he's just taking the tips He's definitely not tipping you For walking the coffee into your office I mean, you should just think about it Like this, if everyone in the office Found out what you'd been doing Would you feel like a huge asshole? Would you basically feel like you needed to quit?

Or would you feel like you're doing the right thing? That was just the right thing I think you can This is sort of a Seinfeldian problem I can see Costanza in this problem And I think the trick is to convince yourself That he is tipping you That way you're doing the fight

Start doing nice little things for service Bring him a napkin Maybe ask if he needs anything else And then you're like, okay, I've earned this tip And tell them that I mean, you're stealing is what's happening, right? But not really, because he is As far as the guy's concerned

He's giving him a tip, okay? That he's not stealing his money Because he's giving his money away He just assumes that the money's going somewhere else Where it's not I guess maybe if one day you get found out You can be like But you know the money's not going to you

I don't know, I would If this is like If you suddenly start getting too much money In your paycheck Yeah, would you say anything? But you have to Because eventually someone's gonna catch it And you clearly have known all along

And you didn't say anything But you can plead ignorance You can act dumb I don't think you can When it comes to that kind of thing Oh, you weren't tipping me? Oh No, you

Oops You stole money I don't know what money is Everyone's so high Is that what this feels like? I've been eating the money you give me You're fired You're a simpleton

I made a coin the other day What is this? Yeah Is this wallet or is this a meal? I ate money You're a NASA engineer for crying out loud I still don't know You're building space shuttles

Can I eat it? Yeah, if you're playing that dumb You're not gonna keep your job Just break open a piggy bank Like a wonton And pour the insides into your mouth If you ever get caught I eat money

That's a new character we've never done before Impossibly dumb idiot I ate, I don't know, a box What's the cereal and what's the box? It sounds like Rosie's voice I just, I don't even know Sorry, sorry, sorry I know, I'm sorry

I'm sorry, I'm sorry I ate a nickel I don't know, I'm crazy Oh, that's also, it's sort of like a Tom Hanks I'm sorry Oh yeah, Wilson Wilson, I'm sorry I ate a bag

I ate a bag, Wilson Oh, I ate a hat I'm sorry I don't know what food is versus things Wilson What's happened to us? Oh my god, we've been recording for nine days straight We haven't recorded any of this

This is not even plugged in It's so funny to think of just We don't record this and have this conversation This is how we speak to each other This was the part, before we ever recorded this This was what me and Amir did Yeah, we'd speak into microphones Plugged into nothing

And they were like, you know what We should just click on the on switch Yeah, just answering questions That we hopefully got to an email address That may or may not have existed back then So, I say, keep the money Are you serious? Yeah

Keep the money No Seize that cheese, yo Seize the cheddar, seize the cheddar But you're a hashtag You are a hashtag dope You understand? We're just getting all the t-shirts in right now

Cool Those are two pieces of advice Take them and leave them What would you guys do? That's always what you're allowed to do with our advice Yeah Jake says, don't do it, I say You know what, you might as well go for it

You're not making a lot of money This isn't your career You know who else is making a lot of money? The poor guy that has to go to Starbucks Who the tip is actually for Well then he should have walked the drink into the bar Why don't you at least start going to Starbucks? No

Why don't you be the guy to go to Starbucks? No, absolutely not I'm too busy I want to punch you for this And what? What do I do when I get there? I want coffee! How did it work?

The amount that you're defending him makes me blame you for the crime How is that fair? How is that legal? Alright, last question Let's squeeze it in Let's do it As

This one comes from a lady We'll call her Patricia Riley Okay Are you okay? That's fine You're falling asleep Holy shit, you're resting your forehead on the pop guard of the microphone

Yeah, this thing works It would be a pretty comfortable pillow, actually Alright, let's finish this episode before you fall asleep completely There's got to be some way to make a pillow out of this Alright, hey Focus, come on

I know, I know No, I'm dead serious Remember to listen to the question when I read it Excuse me I have a phone call to make No, please do it after we're done Hey

Hey, dad Fuck you You never believed in me and I just thought of a crazy ass pillow design So who's wrong now? Alright, Patricia Riley writes Hey guys, I just moved into an apartment Hey guys, I just moved into an apartment

Do I still owe you $1,500 now? I do, because they were for car payments and my pillow design is worthless Fair enough, dad Anxity teen, but he's also really logical Fuck you, dad Actually, I went too far, dad I realized you're just sort of trying to help out

as best as you can, dad Yeah, and I realized I resent you because I'm dealing with mostly my own shit, dad Yeah, just that puberty is very difficult, dad Yeah, I'm not okay with myself and thus I projected on to you, dad and that's not fair, is it? Mom, dad

I know you're just making me go to school because you know, on one hand it is legal but on the other hand, it's going to make me a more well-rounded individual in the long run but at the same time, I really don't appreciate it now, guys All right Sorry All right

I think I love Katie now I know she's my little sister, she's frickin' annoying but I'm lucky to have her, dad Hey, Jake and Amir I just moved into an apartment with my best friend of 15 years and her fiancée Living with them has been great with the exception of him constantly hitting on me

Anytime we are alone together, he finds a way to grope me or talk provocatively Up until recently, he didn't bother me that much but that is until recently, he came up behind me one night and, uh-oh, rubbed his boner against my back I told him to stop fucking with me but he just laughed it off as a joke I don't know what to do now

because he is still super inappropriate I want to tell my friend but I don't want to damage our relationship and I don't want to be that girl who ruined theirs Help me, please, Patricia Riley I'm appalled, I know about what, though, that she didn't turn around and suck his teeth

Jesus Christ, he's doing it He's talking about, be flatter, you slaughter Shut up, you can't know No, absolutely be flatter I bet nobody else has this stuff This is bits and no You know what, he should be putting his deer against the inside of the back of your throat

This is criminal What he is doing is illegal Bullshit Bullshit He could be arrested for this I'd love to see her try Oh, no To see what she does to me

Him What? What? You sick fuck Ugh, the judge knew he was full of shit So he came in 25 years and I was by myself The courtroom he screams, she lies, that little slut

What a scary courtroom that is in Sublime's date rape Yeah, I mean, that's pretty fucked up Yeah Flirting is bad enough, but the sexual harassment is a whole other level By the way, you definitely do want to be the person that comes between them

and ruins that relationship Your friendship is going to be fine as long as you're honest Yeah, she doesn't want to marry a guy that rubbed his boner against your back Right, they should not be together That guy should be dead Even if he did, like, stick it up against their back and be like, this is a hold up

Give me all your love or something funny like that It wouldn't be good Is that what you would say? That's what you did? I'm saying, even if he, like, stuck his dick into her back and was like, uh-oh, this is a stick up I can't even get my sword Now help me get my stick up

That wouldn't be worth it, that's not okay You're doing it alone, you're doing it alone That's not all right I'm not participating Even if he stuck his dick against her back and said All right, you know what, put the money in a bag and nobody gets squirt Even if he did that, that would be so fucked up

That would be so messed up I... You're... I think you're a molester for this What? Yeah, excuse me You're some kind of sexual deviant You're a sex offender

We're joking about it Amir is a sex offender No, absolutely not Ladies and gentlemen And he does have to tell you this Are you in there? Holy shit, they're here already The courtroom

I just pressed 911 I held and I let the call connect for that whole entire bit and they just sent someone I even asked, they just took it upon themselves This is fucking insane You should report this guy Definitely to your friend

Maybe, um... To the police? Yeah, I mean, if he's, like, inappropriately groping you and touching you he's not allowed to live there He's, uh... At the very least, you shouldn't be marrying your best friend I'm serious

I don't know, I'll follow up with this but if you live in the Tri-State area I'll come and personally kick the shit out of him Even if he's bigger than me I'm scrappy I'll find a way to fucking kick the shit out of him I'll hit him with something Yeah, I'll do that too

I'll fight dirty I'll even go fuck Me and Jake will take him down I'll scratch, bite, claws, eyes out, pinch, kick I don't give a fuck He doesn't want to mess with me I'm gonna kick his ass I'll find a way

I don't care how big he is Alright, yeah, he's in Jersey Yeah? He's, uh, he's in Jersey He's, like, this auto mechanic 6'3", 220 Alright And he's actually waiting for you

Give me that shower curtain rod Take down the towel Give me the rod I think if I can blindside him I can hit him in the back of the head That's gonna get him down Then I'm gonna kick him in the neck You get arrested

I'm gonna stomp on his hands I don't care I'll go to jail Jesus I ain't afraid of jail I ain't afraid of no ghost What does he say? Oh, no

What's that? What's that? I ain't I ain't going to jail Watch Oh Don't believe me Just watch

Oh, don't, oh, I thought I thought the lyric was Oh, fucking nevermind So, Jake says Definitely do something about it He'll beat the shit out of him And I'll just say Definitely tell someone

Unfortunately, I don't believe In physical violence But I will totally use my words And try to talk him off of it You're sort of a wordsmith Yeah Hey, hey, bucko Ow

He's slapping me with his dick It is a turn off More than I think you're so invested in the situation That you feel bad about ruining their relationship But you shouldn't Because this guy is a monster He's a deviant monster

Yeah So tell your friend about it That's what we would do If we were you Ooh, sorry If we were you Didn't get better One more try

If we were you That was not bad But it wasn't great If we were you Anyway, that's our show Thanks so much for listening, everyone Thanks for the emails Keep them coming

That email again is if I were you Show at gmail.com We need your questions We need your theme song submissions The one at the beginning Was from someone named Lucy Cooper And we need your just We just need your positivity

Please just Oh, we feed off the energy It's like we talk into this void And we put it online And we hope to God that people listen to it But we don't know Sure the numbers go up We need your money, actually

I'm gonna set up a PayPal Excuse me Give me actually If everyone could Venmo me five bucks No, no Yeah No I don't know how many people listen to this fucking thing

But if every single one of them Like Venmoed me five bucks Yeah If no skin off their back It's five dollars a lot to some people No, no, no You really can find it You can find five dollars

I'll give you a week Look under your couch cushions We have sponsors If your parents leave money out for emergencies Venmo me We have sponsors that pay us And then people can support our sponsors I know we have sponsors

I'm saying I want this money in addition to the sponsors Oh wow You don't get that I want more money No I do You don't get that I'm asking for money So I don't have to do shit And I get shit It's not how it works

People watch TV They watch the commercials The commercials pay for the content And the people watch the content And I love that And I know we have our commercials We have our sponsors That's how we keep the podcast going

And that's a necessary thing Anybody who listens to the podcast gets that What I'm saying is In addition to that In addition to that I want five bucks from everybody who listens Or not it's not gonna happen Why not

It's just not That's not how it works People expect free content A lot of people That would prohibit a lot of people I'm not What are you trying to That's it

I'm not saying I won't make the podcast I'm not saying I'm not charging for content That's another reason why they won't do it Because they know they can get it for free Right You thought you really could just grab Several hundred thousand dollars right now from people

I thought I really thought You could crowdsource your fucking retirement fund Yeah I really did I thought that if everyone Venmo'd the five dollars Okay Truth is you can't Okay Alright

No that's a hard thing to hear It is but it's the truth and I'm glad you're hearing it So anyway Cool Thanks so much for listening Ta-da-ra-ba Ta-da-ra-ba for listening And if y'all want to do a mitzvah

Oh my god I'm not letting you guys You're insane Yes What was that little box that we had in school Tudoka Tudoka box Tudaka

Tudaka Tudaka Yeah it's like charity Right Tudaka That's That's a Tudaka

Tudaka Everyone listens to this podcast Tudaka And we really appreciate it So thank you so much Tudaka Tudaka Tudaka

Tudaka No this last theme song The outro theme song is by someone I believe named Alex McRitchie And if it's not then I'll re-record that person's name After we're done Thanks so much for listening everyone Bye

You know what to do Oh yeah They can feel it They got the scoop When we find the situation They might just break it down They can't help If I were young

When you don't know what to do If I were young Tudaka I love these two